Listeners Beg For Forgiveness - Episode 249

Summary

Crash Dummies Podcast with Pat and Mike

Episode 249 – Listeners Beg For Forgiveness
Release Date: March 11, 2026

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Episode Overview

Pat and Mike celebrate International Women's Day with comedic banter and dive into a wide range of current events, social scenarios, and wild listener confessions. They kick things off with show announcements and trending news before launching into the real heart of the episode: listener call-ins seeking forgiveness for everything from infidelity and petty crimes to workplace lies. Guest appearances from recurring and new characters, including Freaky Jean and Noni Juice, add flavor. The episode maintains the show's signature laid-back, hilarious, and sometimes chaotic energy throughout.

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Key Segments & Timestamps

1. International Women’s Day & Announcements [00:00–02:00]

• Celebratory jokes about Women’s Day.
  • Pat: “Happy International Women's Day to some of you, too.” [00:14]
• Merch sold out, tour dates rescheduled—Chicago show emphasized.
• Banter about fans’ repetitive DMs regarding shows and tickets.
  • Pat: "Y’all gotta stop asking questions in the DM before ... click three or four times before y’all ask us a question." [01:31]

2. Hot Takes on Celebrity Drama [02:01–03:43]

• Discussion about Dwight Howard’s controversy and the optics of having huge amounts of drugs for “personal use.”
  • Pat: "Dwight Howard and his girl ... pulled out damn near what it looked like a half a brick." [02:14]
  • “My first zip had me moving like El Chapo. I gotta take the back streets.” [03:11]
• Comparison to personal experiences with weed; overkill on everything is ridiculed.
• Mike: "You too much of anything's bad, bro." [03:37]

3. Dealing With Online Hate [03:43–06:16]

• Kai Cenat’s “wall of hate” provokes debate on acknowledging trolls.
  • Mike: "If it helps him cope ... then I think it's right." [04:19]
  • Pat: "There are people up there celebrating that they made the board." [05:04]
• Discuss when and how to respond to hate, and how some haters are dedicated “fans.”
  • Mike: "This person has only been hating this whole time." [05:44]
• Exploration of the limits of clapping back at haters.
  • Pat: "I'm going to try to destroy your fucking life." [06:25]

4. Social Etiquette & Absurd Scenarios [07:15–10:13]

• Hilarious debate on when guests are allowed to use your bathroom (#BathroomEtiquette).
  • Pat: “If you're … more than 24 hours, you can take a damn.” [07:38]
  • Mike: “If you’re at my place more than four hours, that’s like, that shit worthy.” [08:13]
• Reactions to people causing disturbances on planes and how politics change in emergencies.
  • Pat: "It's always Fuck Trump for me...but if a [guy] stand up on the plane ... I'm liable to knock that n—" [09:56]

5. Celebrity “PR Relationships” & Vacation Arguments [11:14–15:00]

• Accusations Lori Harvey & Damson Idris are “PR farming” with public PDA.
  • Pat: "They got to have a regular moment for me. Until then, they are PR relationships." [12:23]
• Airing out how vacation disputes can ruin a trip, with shout-outs to Drake’s “Bahama Promises”.
• Mike: "Going on vacation, going through a breakup... You see everybody's coupled up..." [14:23]

6. Fast Food CEOs on Social Media [15:00–19:49]

• The latest trend: CEOs eating their own burgers in videos following the viral McDonald’s incident.
  • Mike: "The McDonald's CEO ... took a bite ... and he didn't look like he was enjoying it..." [15:15]
  • Pat and Mike wish CEOs of Uber Eats or Indeed would live their user experience, too.
• Tangent into personal burger preferences: pickles vs. tomatoes.

7. Listener Callers: Begging for Forgiveness

a. Red-Hot Relationship Confessions [27:09–34:01]

• Detroit caller: Pre-forgiveness for trying to get with his crush's friend (backstory, group bowling plans, social media maneuvering).
  • Caller: "For what I’m about to do to this girl..." [27:26]
• 38-year-old from Atlanta: Seeking forgiveness for mistreating women in the past, now has a daughter, recently divorced.
  • Caller: "I want to be forgiven for how I treat [women] because now I got a daughter." [32:24]
  • Discovery his ex-wife was cheating. Pat and Mike spiral into jokes about recognizing "the same dick" in her phone. [35:03]
• Notable moment:
  • Pat: "You rarely meet [men] that at least don't want closure." [34:15]

b. Tales of Cheating, Lying, and Scamming at Work

• Phoenix caller: Using fake family emergencies (Grandpa's health) to get out of work; Grandpa eventually passes, caller jokes he "jinxed" him. [46:09]
  • Caller: "Every job I go to, bro, whenever I need a break, I just use the next excuse." [46:09]

c. More Relationship & Career Regrets

• Dayton, OH: 6'6" caller wants forgiveness for not maximizing basketball potential, now a Starbucks barista.
  • Caller: "I want to be forgiven for not using my height to [its] full potential, bro.” [40:44]
• Detroit "cash register" confession: Teenage caller admits to repeatedly stealing from his drive-thru job, jokes about Tim Hortons. [57:06–59:53]
  • Caller: "I used to steal out the cash drawer... every day." [57:09]

d. Epic Cheating Confession with Voice Distortion [49:02–56:28]

• Caller: Begs for voice distortion as he explains active cheating on his “too good” girlfriend. Details staying strong for two years before relapsing, differences between girlfriend and side piece, and getting close to being caught.
  • Caller: "I've been cheating, but I haven't been caught yet." [49:17]
  • Caller: "I love you very much... I apologize for all the lies." [55:54]
  • Reveals her name is tattooed on his face. [56:15]
• Pat: “You being honest with us and not honest with her?” [51:55]

e. Weed Mishap = Comic Relief

• Freaky Jean: Pulled over with weed (actually CBD), nearly arrested, calls out plug for selling weak product.
  • Freaky Jean: "You selling me CBD now? ... you better be glad, but you owe me some money." [64:31]
  • Pat: "Yo weed so weak that I didn’t even go to jail on this shit." [64:33]

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Other Notable Moments & Quotes

• Passive Aggression in Texts:
  • Mike: "What emoji do you use to make sure the person knows you aren’t being passive aggressive?" [72:25]
  • Pat: "Sometimes I just don’t text back. That way, you don’t take anything out of context." [73:39]
• Social Media Pet Peeves:
  • Debate on 'thank you' responses, 'thumbs up', and 'K' in texts.
  • Noni Juice: "If you heart a message, that’s quick... But a thumbs up? That’s passive aggressive." [74:14]
• On Public Apologies & airing out relationships on Facebook:
  • Pat: "Why do I know that Johnny is uncircumcised? Who knew this [guy] had a burrito dick the whole time?" [100:35]
  • Mike: "I love seeing people in relationship turmoil on Facebook..." [99:17]
• On Apology Tactics:
  • Biggie Smalls non-verbal apology reference; arguing that physically showing up/hugging sometimes ends the fight faster. [98:15–98:30]
• On casino tipping & addiction:
  • Stories about gamblers never leaving the table and wearing diapers. [93:21]
  • Pat: "I’m liable to slap the [dealer] if I win $1000 and only tip $20." [91:14]

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Guest Appearances

• Freaky Jean [60:27–67:24]: Shares wild traffic stop story, crowd favorite in chat for her storytelling.
• Noni Juice [67:41–103:55]: Brain Squeeze podcast host, adds perspective on relationships, texting etiquette, and growing up.

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Thematic Threads & Running Jokes

• Celebrating women—often in comedically exaggerated or "pandering" ways.
• Relentless riffing on listeners' failings and confessions.
• Satirical political takes: Trump flags, gas prices, airplane crises, and more.
• Recurring bits about "PR relationships," weak weed, and oversharing on social media.
• Urban survival: dealing with haters, scams, bad customer service, and relationships.

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Notable Quotes & Attribution

• Pat: "I'm gonna DM [a hater's] girlfriend, invite her to everything I have access to until she shows up ... I'm trying to find your mom." [06:25]
• Mike: "If somebody stand up on the plane and say, 'Fuck Trump,' I'm liable to knock that n—." [09:56]
• Caller (Cheater): “I love you very much. I apologize for all the lies. That’s finally gonna catch up with me.” [55:54]
• Caller (Detroit weed story): “You selling me CBD now? ... you better be glad, but you owe me some money.” [64:31]
• Noni Juice: “If you let someone borrow your car and a month later need to borrow theirs and they say no, then you got sugar in your tank now.” [69:44]

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Final Thoughts & Closing

The episode wraps up with more audience interaction, pop culture references, and a healthy dose of self-deprecating humor and banter. Pat and Mike keep the energy high, blending comedy with real insights into relationships, work, and forgiveness—reminding listeners that no matter how wild your confession is, you’re not alone, and you might even get roasted on air.

Outro Reminder:
"Remember, live show. Subscribe to the Patreon. Merch Merch Merch. Happy International Woman’s Eternity!" [104:20]

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For First-Time Listeners

This episode is a prime example of Crash Dummies Podcast’s irreverent, laugh-out-loud, and sometimes unfiltered take on everyday life, internet culture, and personal fails. Whether you’re in it for the wild listener stories, the quick-witted banter, or real talk on relationships and society, there’s something in every segment to make you laugh and think.

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Join in:

If you got roasted here, hit the chat with “Freaky Jean.” If you’re looking for forgiveness, call in next week—you might not get it, but you’ll definitely get a punchline.

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Listen on all podcast platforms. For show and merch info: Crash Dummies Live and Crash Dummies Merch

Transcript

[Pat]

First of all, first of all, Happy International Woman's Day.

[Mike]

It's finally the day. Come on now.

[Freaky Jean]

Come on.

[Mike]

We have to snap for the ladies. I feel like that's like cat calling

[Pat]

a Happy International woman. Happy International Women's Day to some of you, too. But no, they were like this.

[Mike]

I. There was somebody in the comments again saying the same thing. I'm like, bro, give it up.

[Pat]

Come on now. You know he ain't touched a woman in two years. And shout out to all the ladies, I see some of y', all. Y' all been in a relationship for two years. The relationship dry as hell. And you post those selfies. We see you. That's all we got to say. You know what I'm saying?

[Mike]

Oh, we. That the Happy Women's International or the Women's Century T shirt. Those sold out like crazy.

[Pat]

So sold out.

[Mike]

Those are in ship. We might do a restock, we might not. But that's just let you guys know, you got to kind of be on top of things. Also, Seattle and Portland, the days got moved. We got Little bro out of Portland Day. So the day, the date is May 5th and 6th for Seattle and Portland. Yeah. Chicago, we're coming back March 26th. March 26th. Link in the description already. Just go to Crash Dummies live dot com. We still got merch for sale as well at Crash Dummies Merch dot com. What else we got?

[Pat]

Chicago, we're back.

[Mike]

Chicago. Y' all know how fast the last show sold out, so please, please, please don't wait to get your tickets. We're using this to replace the show, and it's close show for us to do, and it's. We love the vibes there, so please come out.

[Pat]

No, no, don't come out. No dms, though. No, no DMS after the show sold out or beforehand asking, like, when and where to get the tickets. The links will be up just like any other dates. Y' all gotta stop asking questions in the DM before y' all click on. Like, at least click three or four times before y' all ask us a question. Wait.

[Mike]

March 26th at the Life Laugh Factory. So bigger venue, so we won't be. I think the last menu was like 1150 to 200.

[Pat]

So it's like 310.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

So, yeah, we good. We good. We good. Real quick. I saw Dwight Howard recently in the news, and I'm not gonna speak on what's going on because it's kind of like some baby mama drama.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Like, there's Kids involved and like that. I think, like, a kid got taken away by cps. All I'm gonna say is when I used to. Well, I still do. When I used to smoke weed, right. I had as much weed on me as I was going to smoke. Probably the next couple days. Yeah, right. Dwight Howard and his girl, they pulled out damn near what it looked like a half a brick. And his girl, yeah, it was like, half a brick of coke. And it was for personal use. Like, what the fuck is going on?

[Mike]

I heard she put it on live. I never saw it, though.

[Pat]

Yeah, she was, like, claiming it was something else and she got her kid took. But they've been getting investigated. I don't even want to talk about that. But, like, having that much cocaine for personal use, like, the. Had duct tape and, like, you got this from Pablo.

[Mike]

I bought. I bought like, a. Like, an ounce of weed one time, and it felt like a lot of weed. I'm not gonna lie.

[Pat]

I'm not gonna lie. My first zip had me moving like El Chapo. I gotta take the back streaks.

[Mike]

That's, like, a little too much to have on you.

[Pat]

Yes.

[Mike]

There's, like, always a too much amount of drugs to have on you. And it's like, all right. I don't even like having a lot of fucking candy on me.

[Pat]

What?

[Mike]

I'm just saying.

[Caller 1]

I don't.

[Mike]

I never go to the store and be like, I'll buy, like, three bags of candy. I just feel like. It just feels weird. Not just feel weird. You got. You too much of anything's bad, bro.

[Pat]

Mike talking about niggas going to think I'm too sweet now. That's crazy. Um, so I saw recently in the news, Kaiser Nat was doing, like, a video. And in the background of that video were a bunch of cutouts and printouts of all the times that people have hated on him. Like, it was just memes making fun of him or random Facebook statuses. And the question I was going to ask y' all is, is it better to acknowledge the hate as. As in a. This don't affect me and I'm acknowledging it, or is it better to ignore it?

[Mike]

I'll give you the mature answer. If it helps him cope with dealing with the comments, then I think it's right for him to do that.

[Pat]

Okay.

[Mike]

Me, personally, I might not do that because. And show that I do that because there's a different. There's a different. Different things to it. It's like, you do that and you just don't show anybody that you're doing it right. Right. Kind of like your thing to do, but then you do that and then you actually put those comments. I feel like invites more negative comments because like I'm trying to make Kaisernad's wall now of hate comments.

[Pat]

Yeah. I think there's a time and place to like acknowledge hate, you know. Yeah. You got to ignore it until you like got, you know, to be pissed off or something. You don't want to let your energy out or you know, project it into somebody else. There are people up there celebrating that they made the board.

[Freaky Jean]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Just like it was somebody like, no way. My tweets up there like a Mount Rush. I just don't think it was the right route to go. I think he's been doing a good job ignoring and kind of staying out the way. Cuz it's just like it's a lot of. It's a lot of hate out there.

[Mike]

Cuz there is a time to respond. Cuz there is times that I respond to hate comments as well. Yeah.

[Pat]

And you be.

[Mike]

I respond to it because I have like the time to. And it's like I'm not ever angry when I'm like typing. I'm never like, oh, this person pissed me off and this, this and that. I just wanted like somebody to elaborate on their points sometimes. And sometimes when they do elaborate on their points is like, oh, okay, they kind of got a point. And if they don't, it's just like, oh, this person is really just dumb as fuck.

[Pat]

They've justified their hating.

[Mike]

Yeah. No, but there's some people I've seen comment and you click on their profile and you see like, no, this person has only been hating this whole time. Never said anything.

[Pat]

Oh yeah, on YouTube you can kind of track people leave. Yeah, nigga been hating for two years straight.

[Freaky Jean]

Yeah.

[Mike]

And I'm not, I'm not above any like criticism. Right. It's like I always like because when you do a podcast, you do things like this. You like, you put yourself out there too for people to analyze you and stuff like that. And I just feel like I'm never gonna be offended, but sometimes I just be having time and it's fun.

[Pat]

The thing about me is like I don't have like a middle gauge. Like I can't just like answer like reply to one piece of hate.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Right. I'm going to try to destroy your fucking life. I'm going to find your girlfriend. I'm going to DM her.

[Mike]

That's crazy.

[Pat]

Even though I'm in a relationship My girlfriend right behind me. She watching me. I'm going to DM your girlfriend, and I'm going to invite her to everything that I have access to until she shows up. I'm going to make you break up with her and I'm going. I'm trying to find your mom.

[Mike]

N. No, that's crazy.

[Pat]

No, all that. You know what I'm saying?

[Mike]

It depends what they say for that.

[Pat]

No, they talking about, oh, Pat, you stuttering. Okay, let's look up your girl.

[Mike]

No, I hate the stuttering thing, too. I was like. Or. Or there was an episode that I was, like, saying stuff like that and stuff like that. I was spamming the. Out of that. That's just like my filler word. Right? But I feel like if anybody talk for a prolonged period of time, you're gonna, like, have those little stammers and stuff like that.

[Caller 1]

All right.

[Pat]

Yeah, but I don't get why y' all come on now. Y' all be in the comments talking perfectly and like that. I know you put that. I know you said, hey, make this comment.

[Mike]

Harsh question for you. When is it appropriate for a guest to take a. At your house? How long do they have to stay there for you. Them to take the.

[Pat]

Interesting. Interesting. If you're at my place for more than 24 hours, you can take a damn.

[Mike]

What is. I'm at your place for six hours.

[Pat]

Six hours. You can't take a what? Yeah, my place.

[Mike]

That's enough for like a. That's enough for bowel movement.

[Pat]

If you're. If you're going to stay for 24 hours, then yes. But if you're like. If you're saying like, hey, I'm leaving in six hours and I took the shit in the fourth hour, like, fudge. What if the homie. If you invited the homie over to help move a couch, is he entitled to take a shit? No, nigga. You

[Mike]

know, if you. Therefore, I feel like if you're at my place more than four hours, that's like, that shit worthy.

[Pat]

No, no, no, no.

[Noni Juice]

Fudge.

[Mike]

That.

[Pat]

What, nigga, if I invite you over and it's going to take four hours, know why it's taking four hours to

[Mike]

not even say move? Just like this. Say you're hosting a party. Say you hosting a late night party. Say you say you're hosting like the super bowl party or some, right?

[Pat]

Okay, let me know that you have the. Before you come over so I can call a less shitty. Let me call my less friends. All that stay home.

[Mike]

No way. Coming over my House. You got a within you.

[Pat]

You have to do that before you. Nah, that no ticket your shitty ass on. That, bro.

[Mike]

What do you do if they do take the shit, though?

[Pat]

If they do take a shit, bro, I'm not going to lie, bro. It's like, kind of like.

[Mike]

But you have two bathrooms at your place.

[Pat]

But that's fine, though. If you take a shit in my

[Mike]

bathroom, but you have two bathrooms, I

[Pat]

hope you enjoyed yourself. That's the last time you'll see my shit. So you like.

[Mike]

I understand if you have one bathroom, but you have two bathrooms.

[Pat]

Yeah, that's my son bathroom still.

[Mike]

He can take a bro.

[Pat]

Oh, no. He. I'd be looking at him crazy. Do that at your mama crib.

[Mike]

Coming over here taking those shits.

[Pat]

Just up the vibe. Nah, I saw. I saw a video of a dude on a plane. He got. He got tackled on a plane. He was screaming, death to America. Death to Trump. I'm going to bomb the plane.

[Mike]

Oh, was that the Southwest flight that got.

[Pat]

Yeah, yeah, I think so. So I'm not gonna lie. It's always Fuck Trump for me. Like, I'm not gonna speak for y', all, but it's Fuck Trump. I. I don't like Trump, but if a stand up on the plane and he say, funk, fuck Trump, I'm liable to knock that nigga.

[Caller 2]

You know what I mean?

[Pat]

Like, it's like certain times, like, it's always Trump until we on the airplane together.

[Mike]

It's like, why are you

[Caller 1]

us.

[Mike]

Hey, God. Turn to a true American.

[Pat]

I'm about to go to this airport bathroom, put on my American boxers and beat the out. Put on these evil draws real quick

[Mike]

so I can beat this ass n. I feel like airports is just a place not to even, like, play around like that. Especially the way the world is right now is like, everybody's, like, on high alert right now.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

So it's like, anybody doing any funny, bro? It's like, come on now.

[Pat]

Yeah, but one thing I'm not gonna do, shout out to those people in the other country. I'm not filming a missile. These are filming missiles. Like, they crazy as hell duck. That's crazy. I'm praying for everybody that's in those situations. You know who I got a problem with? Who I got a problem with? Lori Harvey and. And Damson.

[Mike]

They were ora farming.

[Pat]

Am I tripping or what?

[Mike]

No, no, no. You're. Or if they were.

[Pat]

Or I feel like explain a video.

[Mike]

So I think it was in Paris during Fashion Week, maybe.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Okay. Whatever. They're in Paris, they're on a balcony, and you can see them talking to each other, and they start to, like, make out and stuff like that. And there's somebody recording it from below. And they're basically just making that, like, real makeout session for. For a long time, too. And I just know that they know that they're famous enough not to be on a balcony that's facing the street and doing that. They didn't really care. So I think it's definitely.

[Pat]

Or like, did you see the kiss? Like, she did the thing behind his neck where she wrapped her hand.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah. It's like a movie.

[Pat]

Yeah, it was like a movie. And then they got out the car later that day, and it was like, paparazzi. And Damson was telling the paparazzi, like, get the fuck out of here.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Pat]

The paparazzi responding. He was like, the fuck? Like, who you talking to? He was not Denzel. No, I'm playing. But they got to prove they got to have a regular moment for me. Until then, they are PR relationships.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Or until I meet them. And I would. The thing is, I would ask him. I'm like, bro, your relationship seem fake to me, Bro, it's just too good to be true.

[Mike]

Yeah, I feel it.

[Pat]

Because if I'm on a balcony with my girl, that mean we arguing.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Pat]

You know what I mean? We got to be.

[Mike]

That's true, though.

[Pat]

I mean, I'm outside. Look at all this. You got a headache. Look at all we embarrassed.

[Mike]

I don't think I've ever had an argument on a balcony, though.

[Caller 1]

You didn't?

[Mike]

No. No. You got the worst. The worst thing, though, is especially my past relationships is arguing on vacation is the worst thing, especially somewhere hot and you're enjoying yourself. It's like, bruh, we are in another. Especially, like, if it's the same the first day you get there and you're in an argument. So it also is a good thing because it kind of forces you to move past that and just save it for when you get back home. Because it's like you hold that grudge of that relationship. The argument is going to ruin the whole thing. So somebody has to kind of, like, give in at that point.

[Pat]

No, for real. Shout out to Drake. Shout out to Bahama Promises, man that he made that song specifically for this.

[Mike]

How'd that one go?

[Pat]

I just taking it in this list. Places I want to go.

[Mike]

Yeah, okay.

[Pat]

Yeah, yeah. And it's just like, that shit makes sense. Like, when you argue with your significant other on a Trip. And it's a nice sunset in the background. That shit make you want to buy her a flight home. First class. Come on, now. I get you out of here comfortably, trust me.

[Mike]

Especially if you're going through, like I've been to. On vacation, going to a. Through a breakup, like, but the vacation was already planned with somebody else, right? And going through a breakup and then you, like, you walk into the room. I'm talking about the nicest resort. I was on the nicest resort ever, right? It was paid. Everything was paid for because I was just doing content for somebody, right? And nice. You walk into his nice thing and you start thinking like, damn, this would have been a nice trip for two.

[Pat]

What you say is a two for one special. Yeah, Come on now.

[Mike]

No, especially when you're at the resort and you see everybody's coupled up and. And I'm like, I go down to the little pool and sit down and I don't tan. So just like now I'm just sitting soaking in the sun and. And then the dude come over like, I want another margarita and like that. So I'm vibing and I'm like.

[Pat]

That's when you started texting. Like.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Mike]

You get in your phone like, I'm in Mexico.

[Pat]

Yeah, I'm in Mexico right now. I'm not even afraid of a cartel, but I'm afraid of losing you. Yeah. Signed El Chapo. All right. You've been seeing all those, like, CEOs of burger restaurants.

[Mike]

Yeah, I had that on my list.

[Pat]

Like, eating in their cars and like, doing different things basically to show people. Yeah, hey, I'm eating my own burger and stuff like that. And I think it's because the. The fast food industry must be taking a hit right now. And the CEOs is back.

[Mike]

It started with the. So it started with the McDonald's CEO, right? When he took a bite of the burger and he didn't look like he was enjoying it, right? So Wendy CEO and like, Burger King CEO, they found that, you know, Wendy's is like, king of content. So this is a video in here

[Pat]

at Wendy's to try Baconator today, of

[Caller 1]

course, we're starting with our Wendy's square

[Pat]

patty fresh, never frozen beef. Absolutely nothing better.

[Mike]

Of course.

[Pat]

You gotta have a Frosty with a burger.

[Mike]

Is this set up today?

[Pat]

Oh, wait.

[Caller 1]

Our machines are always.

[Mike]

So he's doing.

[Pat]

So I've been getting the Burger King

[Mike]

one does it too.

[Noni Juice]

I don't know.

[Caller 1]

I remember like, Whoppers.

[Mike]

So, like, I feel like a lot of those social media Teams, they're. They're smart enough to be like, oh, social media is reacting negatively to and making fun of this dude not liking, looking like he's liking his burger. So let's use this as a PR thing to kind of like, you know, make it seem like we like our burgers. I don't believe either one of them, though.

[Pat]

It's funny that those accounts actually need each other to live. Like you say, like, Wendy's is like one of the top accounts for restaurants on social media, which they are, but they need the other restaurants to, like, kind of flourish. They need a restaurant to make a mistake so they can make fun of it and be like, this is why Wendy's better. But I like that the CEOs are doing that because I wish more CEOs would do it. Because, you know, another two other people that I want to see try that Arby's. No, I want to see one. I want to see the DoorDash CEO wait on food. Like, I. Yeah, your app say 18 minutes. I've been waiting 18 hours. I want to see. I want to see you wait on the food. I'm be right next to that. I said, look, it say delivery 1253. Yeah, it's 106.

[Mike]

No, that ain't crazy to you.

[Pat]

And then the other one, I want to see the CEO of indeed try to get a job on you. Let's see if you get a job. Like, let's see if you can get an interview off this.

[Mike]

That's true, though. Like, the Uber Eats is kind of the same thing. It's like, I'll order something on there and then I'll be like, you know, be like 45 minutes. I'll, you know, talk to customer service. They're like, oh, this person has to like, say, I order. It said like, estimated delivery at like 117. It's like, oh, this person has till 215 to bring your food. I'm like, yeah, what? Yeah, be like, latest, latest arrival.

[Pat]

Yeah, so they can save their ass. I want to let y' all know with them apps, they pass a law. Go complain if you don't get. I'm talking about if you order 10 fries and it's nine and a half in that, the whole meal free. These boys need to start getting held accountable. It's tired of that.

[Mike]

I don't know if I said this on the pod, but I was always like, especially like in the McDonald's drive thru, I was always like to take a big bite of the thing first and then say, Those are my wrong order.

[Pat]

You did say that. I don't know if you said it on a potty. It might have been a regular conversation. No, but no, I like that though. I did do the dumbest shit with a burger the other day and it kind of made me freeze. And just like you ever do something very, very simple and then it kind of like brings you back like, what the is life? Like where am I? How do I exist? I had a burger and I told them no tomatoes. So I took the tomato off and then I took some ketchup and put it on the burger. I just took a step back like, damn. Like, like what the is life right now? Like, like what the did I just do? It's not like I opened up a portal or some like a about to come back from the past. Like you shouldn't have did that dog about to get wicked for you. Next you know, I'll be filming a missile.

[Mike]

Yeah, I feel like, like with toppings, tomatoes and pickles. I like kind of go back and forth, especially with pickles. Like is I get a chicken sandwich. I go back and forth depending how I'm feeling. If I wanna, if I want a pickle on pickles.

[Pat]

Always a go, bro.

[Mike]

Really?

[Pat]

Yeah, bro.

[Mike]

I don't know.

[Pat]

That's why that's my favorite.

[Mike]

You never have that thing like pickles. Would you say pickles are a little sour, right?

[Pat]

Like salty? Yeah, salty, sour. Yeah.

[Mike]

I would say this. Some days you just aren't there. Some days you just don't feel like having something sour.

[Pat]

Pickles make everything. Make the burger pop though. Like it's not a burger to me.

[Mike]

Pickles over tomatoes.

[Pat]

Hell, tomatoes like hit her.

[Mike]

I don't like tomatoes like that.

[Pat]

Tomatoes, they have to have a very well structured bun and then. But because of like the tomatoes can up a bun. Sloppy. Yeah, it's all sloppy.

[Mike]

You gotta be like a very crisp tomato.

[Pat]

Like when I go to cops, sometimes I'm like, I can't put no tomato on their burgers because they bread already. You know what I mean? Like, come on now. Don't need no extra sogginess. But no, I, I with some it's sometimes I'll even keep on doing.

[Mike]

We should do a skit with cops.

[Pat]

With cops?

[Freaky Jean]

Yeah.

[Pat]

You think so?

[Mike]

Yeah, that'd be fun.

[Pat]

I don't like it for like the.

[Mike]

Because they dressed up.

[Pat]

I'm not dressing like. No, we have to no them like they on a slave.

[Freaky Jean]

No.

[Mike]

Come on, dog.

[Pat]

He trying to save face.

[Mike]

Let's go pop. Let's Go, cops.

[Pat]

Let's do it. Yeah. They want to be a cop so bad. Do you want to save place with cops but don't want to?

[Mike]

I have a lot of friends that are cops, man.

[Pat]

You don't have a lot of friends with cops. You just got a couple, though. I got a lot. You don't have a lot, though.

[Mike]

I legit. I made friends with all the cops that were in the house versus firefighters. I'm friend with a lot of firefighters.

[Pat]

It is a lot of cops.

[Mike]

That's a lot of cops.

[Pat]

I with them, too, though. I'm not gonna lie. I didn't even know they was cops.

[Mike]

Yeah, some of them are FBI.

[Pat]

One them of them was an FBI agent, bro. One of them was an FBI agent, bro. I saw him answer his phone with his wife, and he said three words. He said, yep.

[Caller 1]

Huh?

[Pat]

On the way, I said, yeah, that boy. They kicked that boy out quick. A Got it.

[Caller 2]

Now.

[Mike]

FBI agents probably got the easiest way to cheat on their wives, though.

[Pat]

N. Yes. Submission, baby. I had the her. I was undercover. I was undercover. Undercover.

[Mike]

Under cover.

[Pat]

Okay. Still pack my back. Okay.

[Mike]

I was just doing what I had to do.

[Pat]

Do what I had to do. You right. I didn't have to start a family, but I feel like,

[Caller 2]

man.

[Pat]

So I. I saw a dude take off his Trump decal off his truck, and he was fed up because he was at a gas station, and he was looking at the price of diesel gas, and it's obviously skyrocketed within the last month. And he was like, I'm done with Trump. And I wanted to tell that dude, I need you to stay right where the fuck you are. Like, you stay with Trump. Because anybody that's that fucking stupid that would drop a political candidate because gas went up, I need you to stay on Trump's side so he goes down a little bit faster. He needs soldiers like, you, nigga, you stay there because.

[Mike]

Oh, go ahead.

[Pat]

People basing their political views off groceries and, like, what the is?

[Mike]

Some people have different priorities, though. Yeah.

[Pat]

Like, man, who got the lower gas? All right. I'm a roll invited.

[Mike]

I. I don't like decal stickers. Like, if you do that in your car, like, that's y'.

[Freaky Jean]

All.

[Mike]

That's y'.

[Freaky Jean]

All.

[Mike]

You know what's that one girl said that, Morgan, that we did the Pilates video. If that's your testimony.

[Pat]

Yeah, that's your test.

[Mike]

If that's your testimony. So with it. Yeah, but, like, the honor roll student. The baby on board.

[Pat]

The baby on board makes sense. Oh, you don't. Classic. You don't know that. You don't know the true definition of it because you wouldn't say that.

[Mike]

Is it just to let you know, drive safe around me that I know the baby.

[Pat]

That's not why. It's for first responders to know. Like if I get in a car accident to look for a baby. No, it's not a right handed guy.

[Mike]

Oh really?

[Pat]

Yeah, I believe that.

[Mike]

But if you get into accident and your car is like smashed up, like how would you know? I feel like they will see the baby. No, it's not the car seat.

[Pat]

The baby can get ejected.

[Mike]

Yeah, but it's still a car seat.

[Pat]

But it's just like baby on board. Like look for my baby first. Go get the baby first. Don't worry about actually grab my leg too.

[Mike]

Driver.

[Pat]

Student driver. That makes sense because that stopped me from beating y'. All.

[Freaky Jean]

Yes.

[Mike]

It's a guilt trip. One bro.

[Pat]

I was behind a student driver at like a four way stop and this little folded. It just froze. I said go.

[Mike]

Well you gotta teach him a little accountability.

[Pat]

And I should have got out and beat the out.

[Mike]

I be honking at them still.

[Pat]

It's a pop quiz little.

[Mike]

I be hogging up at them. So you got to give them like real world experiences. Like this is how it's really going to be out here.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

What else do like I don't obviously I don't like the political stuff. Like I don't care which side of the fence you kind of like on. I do, I just don't.

[Pat]

I care about what side of the fence you want. If you vote, if you vote for Trump at this point, it's like getting to like certain parts of presidency and like what that represents. If you are a Trump supporter. This is like it didn't matter who's a. The Republican candidate before. I'm trying to think of one.

[Mike]

Like maybe if you like Ronnie.

[Pat]

Yeah. Or if you like George W. Bush back then like Trump is where I draw the line. If you tell me a Trump support, there's nothing else that we can talk about. Like I don't give what your sports takes are.

[Mike]

But even like the signs in front of your house, it's like.

[Pat]

But I feel like the signs only come out to oppose the other side.

[Noni Juice]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Just like to me I, I guess it just means like confrontation. I don't really like confrontation like that. I don't want nobody to be like I'm on this side, I'm on this side. Mean I could never like you Know, meet in the middle and stuff like that.

[Pat]

Everybody wants to wave a flag though.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah, I feel it.

[Pat]

You know, I don't.

[Mike]

I'm not hating on anybody that does it. It's just like something.

[Pat]

If you waving a Trump flag, I'm hating on you. I'm not going to lie, bro. I don't with the. I don't with nothing represent, bro. You can't tell me you can literally be a Republican and bow out for the next three years and just be like, I don't know what the doing on. I'm a Republican. It's a lot of. I'm not even a. I wouldn't even consider myself a Democrat. I just don't with that. You know what I'm saying?

[Mike]

Hotel lotion. I don't know why I have that on my notes.

[Pat]

Okay.

[Mike]

I really, you know when you make a note and you don't know why

[Pat]

do you use hose hell lotion? I don't use no hotel products.

[Mike]

I feel like hotel lotion isn't made for black people.

[Pat]

Unless I'm at the Andes. Then I use hotel products because they got that.

[Mike]

They got the really good. So I'm just saying lotion in general because I feel like that hotel lotion is like you rub it on your hand and like your hands are just ashy.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Immediately. Yeah.

[Pat]

The one thing I have to use

[Mike]

body butter every time.

[Pat]

Yeah. That I use at the hotels would be like the hand soap.

[Mike]

You know what I'm saying?

[Pat]

Because I never, I never remind myself to bring hand soap. Yeah. Okay.

[Mike]

I just bar hand soap too.

[Pat]

I'm like, I know my hands get ashy and then it's like, damn, I got it. No, they make that lotion like that on purpose. They don't want you beating your meat in that room. We gonna make this. Tear his dick off. Put a little glue in this. Oh, okay. Have you seen that video of that dude? He's like off drugs and he has. He's at a six, six year old nephew's birthday party.

[Mike]

Those are one of those things where I see the, the title of the tweet.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

And I see like two seconds of it. But I don't really. Cuz I don't know if it's a meme or not.

[Pat]

I'm like, I thought he was break dancing. I thought he was doing like a set, you know, or. Yeah. You know, just breaking it down. The reason I bring up that video because I realize how rare this situation is. How often do you get to beat the. Out of a With no repercussions. Because like, okay, let's say he was a random dude off the street pissing you off. It's still that like, outlying factor. Like, he might be strapped. I don't know this dude. Yeah, he might be a part of a gang. Like after I beat his ass, then I'm gonna find out.

[Mike]

He had to. He had to know the family.

[Caller 1]

Right?

[Pat]

Exactly. He was. I think he was part of the family. That's what make it better.

[Mike]

Ye.

[Pat]

Yeah, he probably. That's probably your. Imagine if that's your cousin. You've been waiting to beat his ass for like the last 10 years. And he. And he did a backflip on the table in front of your nephew to the point your nephew had to scurry away. Oh my God, man, I'm going into the bathroom putting Vaseline on my hands, trying to get busy.

[Mike]

Anyway, let's get some listener callers.

[Pat]

No, hold that down, dog. Bro, you seem like a good dude, bro.

[Caller 1]

Yeah, I'm from. From Detroit.

[Pat]

Detroit. Okay. Type, type. I got a question for you.

[Caller 1]

Yes, sir.

[Pat]

What's something you want to be forgiven for, man?

[Caller 1]

What I'm about to do to this girl who think I want to talk to her, but I'm really trying to get to her friend and. And it's gonna happen.

[Pat]

We starting off hot for Women's international. Woman crazy.

[Mike]

They won't know why we're saying this too, because we had another call that's not on the pod.

[Freaky Jean]

Yes, that's.

[Mike]

That didn't make it.

[Pat]

Okay, that's up.

[Mike]

What's the situation?

[Freaky Jean]

This is.

[Pat]

Girl, go ahead, blue face.

[Freaky Jean]

This is great.

[Caller 1]

It's a girl to go to school with, right? And I'm a nice person. So whenever. So whatever people birthday. Although whatever. People birthday come around, you know, I said I slide up on a story, tell them happy birthday. And she used that as like, you know. You know, some. Some way to start a conversation. So I'm like, bet. So I'm talking to her. She. She blowing up my phone and everything. I'm like, you still cool? You know, what's his face? She like, yeah, that's my best friend. Like, bet. Game time. So. So I'm about to. I'm trying to link up with all of them. Like, we have a little group thing going on. I'm about to push her to the side. Like, she going to the side. I'm going to the friend. No, not yet. I said. I said for what I'm about to do to this girl, that's what I

[Pat]

Said like pre forgiveness.

[Caller 1]

Yeah, pre forgiveness. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pat]

You're a bad person, bro.

[Caller 1]

So. No, no, no, no, no. I'm not, though. I'm not.

[Mike]

I just told you I'm a nice person. Where are you guys about to meet up at? Like, what's the group setting? You don't have to say the exact location, but, like, it could be like,

[Caller 1]

we're gonna go out drinking, you know, it's a. Probably go bowl and do something a little calm, you know, a little community setting, you know?

[Mike]

Why do you think. Why do you think she'll go for that, though, if that's really her friend?

[Caller 1]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. She will, though, because we was already. I know them from school. That's the thing. I know from school. Like, we all knew each other a couple years ago.

[Mike]

I'm just saying, if they're friends, though, they're really friends. Do you think if she thinks that you guys are talking on a different level, you think she would talk to. Let her let you talk to her friend?

[Caller 1]

She gonna have to, because I'm be put. I'm gonna be a prime pressure.

[Mike]

Oh, my gosh.

[Caller 1]

I'm not. The thing is. Hold on. I'm not, like, I'm not showing her.

[Pat]

I'm not. I'm just tired.

[Caller 1]

Look, look, look. She think like, I'm. But I'm not. Like, I'm not reciprocating the energy she's given to me. Basically. She's trying to, you know, I'm saying, talk to me. I'm like, no, I'm kind of like, you know, saying. Pushing her off.

[Pat]

Spell or reciprocate kind of a hard word.

[Caller 1]

I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this today. You can't even spell it off the top anyway,

[Pat]

you know what I'm saying?

[Caller 1]

Okay, okay, okay,

[Pat]

I caught you.

[Caller 1]

Is that, like, crazy, though? Like I'm trying to get to the friend. Is that crazy?

[Pat]

I know what you want. Through the birthday post, though. Through the birthday post.

[Mike]

Yeah. It's like, I get what you're saying.

[Pat]

No, no, no, no.

[Caller 1]

I slid up and told her happy birthday.

[Mike]

But why don't you rely. Why don't you rely on your own skills to just go directly to the source?

[Pat]

Just be a real man.

[Mike]

Like, are you afraid? Are you afraid of rejection?

[Caller 1]

No, I'm not afraid.

[Mike]

Then why don't you just, like, DM her, like, right away? Like, right.

[Caller 1]

I know. I talk. I talk. I said I talked to them.

[Mike]

Why would you actually talk pressure to the girl that you actually want.

[Caller 1]

Nobody don't want it for real. It's like, you know, you know,

[Mike]

I'm a good person.

[Pat]

Okay.

[Caller 1]

I am though. Like I told her happy birthday.

[Mike]

I told her birthday. You know what I'm saying?

[Caller 1]

She told me. She said thank you. You know what I'm saying? Butter, butter up real quick. Finna go in for the kill, you know what I'm saying?

[Pat]

Go in for the kill. This is brother's heart.

[Caller 1]

Hello. Yo, yo, yo. What it do?

[Pat]

Phone like a 40 year old. They say yo, yo.

[Mike]

I think he might be 40, but.

[Caller 1]

But I'm about clo. I'm about close to it.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Pat]

I knew it. How old is you?

[Mike]

I'm 38.

[Pat]

38. 38 special.

[Mike]

You from the South?

[Caller 1]

Yeah, I'm from Atlanta.

[Mike]

Oh, you come to Atlanta show?

[Caller 1]

No.

[Pat]

How about say come on now. We're gonna have to. We got an old people section. I might take it wheelchair accessible.

[Mike]

30 is not that far

[Pat]

Obama age. I got a question for you, bro.

[Mike]

What's up?

[Pat]

I'mma say it slow, man. What's up?

[Mike]

You right behind me.

[Caller 1]

You not. You're not that far.

[Pat]

You're not that far behind me. Let me have respect for my elders. You're right.

[Mike]

I got a question for you.

[Pat]

What's something you want to be forgiven for?

[Caller 1]

Yeah. Just the women that I treated bad that wanted me. Yeah. And I didn't want no back.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Caller 1]

It's crazy.

[Mike]

Now you want them?

[Caller 1]

Oh, no, not at all. I just, you know, I want to be forgiven for how I treat them because now I got a daughter.

[Mike]

So it's like

[Caller 1]

I don't want no

[Pat]

little out here have daughters looking at.

[Caller 1]

I got a daughter now, so I don't want no parts of this.

[Mike]

What do you think the worst?

[Caller 1]

Oh, it's just most. Most time just being mean to her. Bit like Mrs. Be genuinely nice or women will be genuinely nice.

[Mike]

And I've never seen so much toxic. That's three in a row.

[Pat]

Couldn't even keep it together for 10 seconds. I want to show respect for women now these.

[Mike]

Bro.

[Pat]

Are you in a relationship though?

[Caller 1]

No.

[Pat]

38 years.

[Caller 1]

I just went through a divorce. I just went through a divorce.

[Mike]

I married for 10 years.

[Pat]

This damaged goods.

[Mike]

You were married for 10? Yeah, I was married for 10 years. Damn.

[Pat]

I know it's your fault too. I could just tell by the way you talk. It's not who fault was.

[Mike]

Not nobody ever, ever think it's their fault though.

[Caller 1]

I got. I got left. If I get left, that's my fault.

[Pat]

Yes, hey, why she leave you? What was her reasons?

[Caller 1]

I never found out how much she was just. Who, me?

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Caller 1]

80.

[Pat]

80K. How tall are you?

[Caller 1]

Yeah, five nine.

[Pat]

Five nine. How much you weigh?

[Caller 1]

200.

[Mike]

Why is that funny?

[Pat]

That's kind of. I don't know.

[Caller 1]

Nah, it's a lean. It's a lean. It's a lean 200.

[Pat]

Hey, man, check my podcast out, man.

[Caller 1]

You'll see it. It's a lean 200.

[Pat]

She got a new man.

[Caller 1]

She did, but that left. So I guess lesson learned. Lesson learned. That gone. He dipped. He's out of here.

[Pat]

You want her back, though?

[Caller 1]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

[Pat]

You rarely meet out here, man. At least don't want closure.

[Mike]

Yeah. Because if she left you, that means you didn't leave. So you're still there.

[Caller 1]

I mean, I. I feel like I did everything that I could do, and, yeah, there's nothing. There was nothing left for me.

[Pat]

Why don't you know the reason she left you?

[Mike]

Like, there was no arguments, nothing. She just left out of nowhere.

[Caller 1]

Yeah, it was just. She started dealing with other dudes, and I'm just like, bro, you can't do that.

[Pat]

Like, what's up?

[Caller 1]

I'm here paying all the bills. Yeah, she was cheating.

[Mike]

Oh, okay.

[Pat]

You should have told us that before. Oh, man. Hey, wait, so how did you find out she was cheating? I'm sorry, bro. I would approach this totally different. Yeah, I knew you just got.

[Caller 1]

Oh, man, I wasn't getting that. So, you know, I wasn't getting that. So I'm like, well, let me check her phone. Check the phone. There dicks in there. It's dicks in the phone. Dogs. Was it different dicks?

[Pat]

Could you tell or was it the same dick?

[Caller 1]

No, it's the same dick over and over.

[Mike]

You zoomed into a couple of though, too. On, say, got birth mark too.

[Pat]

He gonna be at his local gym staring at a.

[Mike]

Like, I know that's.

[Pat]

Bro, you can't lie to me, bro. You dick like the back of my head.

[Freaky Jean]

My wife.

[Mike]

That's up. We shouldn't be laughing at your. Your pain, bro. That's up.

[Caller 1]

Oh, no, no, no, man. I'm good. Get the out of here.

[Mike]

That dick. What the.

[Caller 1]

That.

[Mike]

They're good at wine tastings.

[Pat]

Yeah, it's kind of sore.

[Mike]

Yeah, no, what they called, though.

[Pat]

I don't know.

[Mike]

There's like a dude that connoisseurs. No, no, no, no, no. Go ahead, keep talking.

[Pat]

He did it. They got you clip that. So he's a dick Somalia.

[Caller 1]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pat]

Okay, okay.

[Mike]

That killed it.

[Caller 1]

That killed it.

[Pat]

Okay. No, we. We did not know you was going through that.

[Mike]

Yeah, we're not fine.

[Caller 1]

Oh, now this is done.

[Pat]

You know what I'm saying? You sound like you make 80k. You five, nine. You're a little chubby 200, but you. You know what I'm saying? Like, that You're a valuable man, man. Like, put yourself out there. There's some ladies that listen to this podcast.

[Mike]

You say you got a podcast too?

[Pat]

Oh, yeah. Shout out your podcast.

[Caller 1]

I got a podcast, too. 404 pound. 404 proof. That's P, R, O, O, F if you can't spell. Okay, yeah, four, four proof on podcast. Pat, I told you to check it out a long time ago,

[Pat]

right?

[Mike]

What'd he say? Bet I got you, bro.

[Caller 1]

He's like, bet I can't do it right now.

[Pat]

I checked that out. I was saying I can't do the podcast right now.

[Caller 1]

Oh, okay, okay. 404 proof podcast.

[Pat]

Shout out to 404 proof podcast. Also shout out to this old man. How was segregation?

[Caller 2]

Oh, my God.

[Noni Juice]

All right, bro.

[Mike]

You have a good one, bro.

[Caller 1]

Right behind me. All right, man. Yeah. Yo, yo, what's the deal?

[Pat]

What's the deal? The Barbie, you good?

[Caller 1]

I had to go downstairs. My kids upstairs.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Pat]

No, no, that's good, though. You taking care of the kids and make sure somebody watching them. You ain't leave them up there by themselves, though, right?

[Caller 1]

Yeah, maybe. All right, it's 29 year olds upstairs.

[Mike]

I got a question for you. What do you want to be forgiven for?

[Caller 1]

Man, I want to be forgiven for all the cheating I did in my adult life. I'm getting right with God, man.

[Pat]

Tripping.

[Caller 1]

Nah, that's real, bro. You find God, bro, you start feeling

[Caller 2]

a little bit better.

[Mike]

A little bit. Not all the way healed.

[Caller 1]

Nah, man, you know, we working on it.

[Mike]

Are you in a relationship now, Bro,

[Caller 2]

me and my baby mama just broke

[Caller 1]

up again last night.

[Mike]

Oh, y' all broke up last night?

[Pat]

What you do again? What'd you do again?

[Caller 1]

Oh, I didn't do nothing. She was tweaking. I was like, yeah, bro, you gotta go.

[Pat]

Those are the kids. Those are the mother. The two kids that's upstairs.

[Caller 1]

No, that kid ain't here.

[Pat]

How many kids you got?

[Caller 1]

4.

[Pat]

How many baby mamas you got?

[Caller 1]

Don't worry about that.

[Pat]

God damn.

[Mike]

How old are you? Oh, we talked to you before, huh?

[Pat]

21. Is this the one? That's 21.

[Caller 1]

I thought. No, no, no, I'm 29.

[Pat]

29. No, it was. It Was a dude younger than you. His life was. I know. Yo life up, but his life was super up.

[Mike]

Your up, but his was up.

[Caller 1]

You know what I'm saying?

[Pat]

Like, I would not.

[Caller 1]

That ain't got no shot.

[Pat]

Exactly. You ain't got no shot, but he

[Mike]

ain't got no shot. I'm making money.

[Pat]

Your ass. But his ass.

[Mike]

You know,

[Pat]

I would want to switch spots with you, but I definitely don't.

[Mike]

Oh, man.

[Pat]

Like, his situation up.

[Mike]

No, you got a lot to go. You got a lot going on, bro. We talk to you, though. Yeah, you got.

[Caller 1]

Oh, yeah. Yo.

[Mike]

Yo.

[Caller 1]

How's it going?

[Mike]

Pretty good, man. How's it going?

[Caller 1]

Not too bad. Not too bad.

[Mike]

Where are you from?

[Caller 1]

I'm from. I'm from Dayton, Ohio.

[Mike]

Okay. Okay.

[Pat]

Might come out there for a show, bro.

[Mike]

Not.

[Caller 1]

Hey, y' all have to, bro.

[Pat]

No, we come in specifically.

[Mike]

No, we're not coming today.

[Caller 1]

Y' all come to Cincy? Nah, you'll come to Cincy.

[Mike]

People were saying Cleveland.

[Caller 1]

Cleveland. Cleveland's a little farther from Dayton, though, not gonna lie.

[Pat]

Are you saying this for your preference? But, like, where's.

[Caller 1]

Yeah, for my preference. For me.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Where should we really go? You. Where should we really go?

[Caller 1]

All right. For real. I mean, Cleveland's a good spot to go. Columbus isn't bad either, but it kind of stinks up there, I'm not gonna lie.

[Mike]

I got a question for you. What do you want to be forgiven for?

[Caller 1]

I want to be forgiven for not using my height to his full potential, bro. I'd be having people up my ass for being 6. 6 and not being in the league.

[Pat]

Up what?

[Caller 1]

People up my ass.

[Mike]

You're six. Six?

[Caller 1]

Yes.

[Mike]

Did you play basketball in, like, high school? College?

[Caller 1]

Oh, yeah. I mean, I had offers in college, but it was like a community college, and they told me I wasn't gonna start, so I said, hell, no.

[Pat]

Being six six and told you're not gonna start at a community college tells me a lot about your physical abilities.

[Mike]

How was your high school career?

[Caller 1]

No, I was. I was. I was good. I'm not gonna lie.

[Pat]

Okay. Anyways, what'd you ask for, Mike?

[Mike]

I was.

[Pat]

Wait, wait.

[Mike]

How was your high school career? Like, all American. I mean, all conference.

[Caller 1]

Yeah, I was all conference. I led the league in blocks.

[Pat]

How many points did you score again? Just to be real, because neither one

[Caller 1]

of us average 15.

[Noni Juice]

You.

[Pat]

You probably hooped at a higher level than I'll ever hoop at, or. You Know what I'm saying? Like, you all conference high school basketball player. Like, I Wasn't that you averaged 15 points a game. Let's not shame you. It was three blocks a game.

[Caller 1]

I'm guessing three and a half.

[Pat]

Three. So you play center? Probably. It sounds like, yeah. Oh, that's the problem. You're a 6. 6 center.

[Caller 1]

So like my development was stunted.

[Pat]

That makes sense.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

So nobody taught you how to be a guard? You don't know how to handle the rock.

[Caller 1]

I mean, anything I learned was like self taught. It was just like me at the Y. Oh, damn.

[Mike]

That's.

[Pat]

Yo, your pops didn't teach you how to hoop?

[Caller 1]

Damn. My dad is not in the picture.

[Pat]

Famous, but that's usually the formula to make it though. So he still ain't got no excuse. What about your mom?

[Mike]

No. Uncles.

[Caller 1]

I mean, my mom has no athletic ability. What's up, dad?

[Pat]

Stepdad, Uncles, Stepdad?

[Caller 1]

My stepdad, he wasn't really. Wasn't really around a lot. He did construction, so he'd be like. He'd be in like Kansas building some speedway or some.

[Pat]

I feel like this all like the backstory of an NBA player. This still.

[Mike]

Right? But wait, where'd you.

[Pat]

Never miss the game though?

[Mike]

No, they might not.

[Caller 2]

Never missed a game.

[Pat]

My dad worked hard, 40 hours.

[Mike]

There might not be like financial struggle in this household either. That. That could be the.

[Pat]

I mean, not really.

[Caller 1]

We were middle class.

[Pat]

Yeah, see, middle class, 66, spoiled, mediocre. What kind of school you go to?

[Caller 1]

I mean, it wasn't anything crazy.

[Mike]

Don't put on. Just say how many people the population

[Caller 1]

I graduated with like 1500.

[Pat]

Oh, wow. To a big school. It just not adding up, bro. We don't get it. What'd you do for.

[Caller 1]

I mean, we didn't get a lot of looks, honestly.

[Mike]

But he never wanted to get his parents. Never. You know, everybody wants to get their mom out the hood and like that. Like that's like that story.

[Pat]

Had that drive.

[Mike]

He didn't. That might have been the last.

[Pat]

He's still in the same city. He's still in the same city.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Pat]

What, what, what you do for a living?

[Caller 1]

I'm a Starbucks barista, Bro. I watched the pod. Y' all not about to do this to me.

[Mike]

Now shout out to all my Starbucks barista because it's not a problem that you're upstart.

[Caller 1]

Hey, bro. Tyler, the creator was a Starbucks.

[Mike]

Yes, yes. It's just that you're six. Six.

[Pat]

I'm not gonna lie. No, no person at six is making my coffee. It's just not happening, bro. I need my baristas. With lip rings, nose rings, dark hair. I need them looking very like. I don't even know what

[Mike]

you say. Your name.

[Pat]

Charlie.

[Caller 1]

I mean, just. Just for you, Pat. Just for you, Pat, I'm gonna go back to college. I still got eligibility. I'm gonna go back. I'm gonna make it to the league, get drafted.

[Mike]

Pat, let's just play your Netflix documentary right here.

[Caller 1]

On, God. I'm putting in there, like, whoa, chill.

[Pat]

Some weird.

[Caller 1]

I put it in my Netflix doc.

[Pat]

Hold up.

[Mike]

Don't worry. Pat is immature, bro. Don't mind doing, bro.

[Pat]

No, dude, he called in saying, like, people was up his ass. He, like, he was on some off the rip.

[Caller 1]

Nah, like. Nah, like. No, you get it.

[Mike]

You get it, bro. Don't worry.

[Pat]

I don't get it. But, hey, let me know about your journey, bro. I. You know, I still got connections to some college coaches. I can get you in, like, a D2. We can have you coming off the bench, you know what I'm saying? Get a couple blocks a game. Get your school paid for because you ain't finished college, right?

[Caller 1]

No, I never went low key.

[Pat]

How old are you?

[Caller 1]

You 22?

[Pat]

Oh, yeah. We got time to change his life around.

[Mike]

He's so young, bro.

[Pat]

Man. Starbucks, man. About to get you a free education, bro.

[Caller 1]

Hell, yeah.

[Mike]

All right, bro. You have a good one. Appreciate it. That's how you make it. That's why.

[Caller 1]

Exactly.

[Mike]

That's, like, normal for him.

[Pat]

He ain't got no drive, nothing.

[Mike]

He's like, oh, just like how my life have been going. They got handed to me.

[Pat]

I knew this was gonna happen.

[Caller 1]

Yes, sir. What's going on? How are y' all doing?

[Mike]

Podcasting and, bro.

[Caller 1]

Oh, you know the vibes.

[Mike]

Where are you from?

[Caller 1]

Phoenix, Arizona. I was gonna ask when you guys are gonna come to Phoenix.

[Mike]

Don't worry, bro. Soon. Soon. All right, we got you.

[Pat]

Probably not this summer, but. But maybe after the summer. Maybe some fall. Y' all know how y' all summers get.

[Caller 1]

I get you. Yeah, it's getting hot right now, bro.

[Mike]

All right, I got a question for you. What do you want to be forgiven for?

[Caller 1]

So whenever I start a new job, bro, and I always want to go home, I'd be using my grandpa's excuse, so I'd be like, yo, he just had a heart. I just used that the other day, actually. I wanted to go home, so I just said, yo, he had a heart attack. I gotta go. And, yeah, they just let me go. But every job I go to, bro, whenever I need a break, I just use the next excuse. He just died. Not that long ago either, so I think I jinxed him from a heart attack, but, no, he. He died on the port, but I don't know what he died from.

[Mike]

Come on.

[Caller 1]

Come on, bro.

[Mike]

Yo, bro. What up, man?

[Caller 1]

Hello. Yeah, I wasn't that interesting. I'm sorry, guys.

[Mike]

No, no, no, it wasn't. It wasn't.

[Pat]

That's. That's up, though. I don't like when people call into our podcast and say like that. And, you know, it's a comedy podcast, so, you know, I just got done laughing at some. And then you say something about your

[Caller 1]

granddad that, oh, I didn't know him. He was a deadbeat. But, you know, he was a dick. I don't know what to tell you guys.

[Mike]

Was he a deadbeat dad or a deadbeat grandparent?

[Caller 1]

Both. Both. He was a deadbeat dad, too.

[Pat]

No, he doubled down on that.

[Caller 1]

He doubled down on us. Yeah, the dude was just a dick, apparently. Literally. Yeah. So I don't. I don't feel bad about it.

[Pat]

Yeah, it's crazy. He wanted the bloodline to be done. I want this to be over with, dog.

[Caller 1]

Oh, for sure. Then he, like, he left and got with a lady who already had kids. I'm like you, bro.

[Mike]

Oh, he just bright. McKnight.

[Caller 2]

Did y'.

[Caller 1]

All. Yeah, when I took a few jobs,

[Pat]

I heard you give somebody a random ass straight. Like, that was crazy.

[Mike]

Oh, you didn't hear The Bro. Brian McKnight, like, disowning his kids and stuff like that.

[Pat]

I'm out of it. Brian McKnight, one of my favorite singers.

[Mike]

No, he's a legend.

[Pat]

So if you ask me to pick between Brian McKnight and his kids, I'm a lane more tourist. All right, bro.

[Mike]

You have a good one, man.

[Caller 1]

Hey, can I say something before I go ahead, before you guys hang up? Hey, I just want to, you know, say I appreciate you guys. Keep it up. Come to Phoenix eventually. I know it's hot over here to try to catch us in December and appreciate you, y'.

[Noni Juice]

All.

[Mike]

No, I appreciate it.

[Pat]

That was very heartfelt, very dick. Riotous. We love.

[Caller 1]

Ah, y'.

[Caller 2]

All.

[Caller 1]

Whatever. Bye. All right.

[Mike]

Have a good one, bro. Appreciate you.

[Caller 1]

All right. Later.

[Mike]

Yo, yo.

[Caller 2]

Hey, listen, I need y' all to distort my voice before we even start, all right?

[Mike]

Harar, please distort this guy's voice. God damn.

[Pat]

Please make it. Make it zesty.

[Mike]

Go ahead, bro. Oh, I guess I'll ask you a question. What do you want to be forgiven for?

[Caller 2]

So I've been cheating, but I haven't been caught yet.

[Pat]

Perfect podcast. Perfect.

[Mike]

This is the perfect podcast to call for this, bro.

[Caller 1]

Huh?

[Caller 2]

But y' all gotta listen. Y' all gotta distort my voice because she does listen.

[Mike]

All right, we try. We have to do a little distorting voice thing.

[Pat]

Make sure you. You speak clearly or the distortion gonna take away from your voice. So make sure you say everything perfectly.

[Caller 2]

All right? Cool. Now listen, I've been cheating on my girl, but I ain't been caught yet.

[Pat]

Okay?

[Caller 2]

Right. Now, the reason this on my mind because I really been kind of comfortable with cheating. Two days ago, Dr. Snitched on me.

[Mike]

Why would they do such a thing?

[Caller 2]

So we work at the same place. We both mechanics, right? Diesel mechanics.

[Caller 1]

And, like.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Caller 2]

Are you a real.

[Pat]

But are you a real mechanic? Are you one of them, like, Valvoline Oil Exchange?

[Caller 2]

No, I'm a real diesel mechanic. Like. Like a real diesel mechanic.

[Pat]

Diesel mechanic.

[Caller 2]

Yeah, I work on the big truck. Yeah, I work on big truck.

[Pat]

Okay. Okay.

[Mike]

You coming to a live show. So we need truckers at the show.

[Caller 2]

Yes, actually, I'm coming to the show in Charlotte.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Caller 2]

So basically, I left work, turned my location off before I left work. Basically, she called up here, tried to figure out, like, damn, where this at. They told her what time I left. I left at 11. 15. Right. I told her that I got done with the truck at 12, but I was at my side.

[Pat]

That's tough.

[Mike]

Same city, too.

[Caller 2]

I live probably, like an hour from my job. My side, bitch probably stay like 20 minutes from the job. So, no, not originally.

[Pat]

Okay.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Pat]

A little different. Okay, let's explain. Let's talk about your relationship. Like, how long you been dating your woman? I guess you can call her for now.

[Caller 2]

Two years.

[Pat]

Two years? Two years.

[Mike]

Why don't you just break up?

[Caller 2]

Yeah, I can't. I just can't.

[Pat]

Why not?

[Caller 2]

She too good. She too good, and I just started cheating.

[Pat]

Oh, you just. Okay, nice. Anywho.

[Freaky Jean]

Oh.

[Pat]

So you just.

[Caller 2]

It took me a little minute. Because I'm a serial cheater. I'm not even gonna keep it so honest. I'm a serial cheater, and for two years, I've been. I've been. I've been being strong.

[Pat]

You don't think it's weird that you being honest with her, Honest with us and not honest with her?

[Noni Juice]

Her?

[Caller 2]

I can't.

[Pat]

You can't lose her.

[Caller 2]

Because when I came. No, bro, listen. When I came close to getting caught, I seen the way she looked in my eyes. She was like, let me ask you a question. I said, it's over.

[Pat]

Yeah, it's probably. It probably went over then

[Caller 2]

it ain't gonna be over in the future. Listen.

[Pat]

No, yeah, let's see about that.

[Caller 2]

I don't think I could tell her. I don't think I could tell her, but good thing is I did tell my side piece. We gonna have to. You know, I might have to cut y'. All.

[Pat]

I might have to cut you off.

[Caller 2]

Yeah, bro, I can't. I don't think I could fully do it.

[Mike]

You already did, though.

[Caller 2]

But I don't think I could fully, fully cut her off. Like, oh, I still be texting her on Instagram and. Okay, you know what is the side

[Mike]

girl providing that you feel like your. Your girl doesn't provide.

[Caller 2]

How can I put this? She's my. They two different women. She's my type before I started liking women. That's like my girl, if that makes sense.

[Pat]

What is your. What is your girl like? So what do you like now?

[Caller 2]

I can't even say her because she don't know. She's foreign.

[Pat]

She foreign. Okay.

[Caller 2]

Yeah, she's foreign. Am I type before? Huh?

[Pat]

I hate when people.

[Mike]

Go ahead, go ahead, though.

[Pat]

What country? Go ahead, ahead, go ahead. What is foreign? Canadian. And like.

[Caller 2]

Okay, okay, like, she's. She's Dominican and Hawaiian.

[Mike]

Good looking.

[Pat]

So she Dominican, Hawaiian. And then what's your side chick?

[Caller 2]

She's just black in Jamaican.

[Pat]

Just black.

[Caller 2]

The type of. The type of. The type of black I like. She's caramel skin, curly hair, Pearson.

[Pat]

This racist too.

[Mike]

Oh, my God.

[Pat]

But okay, so why don't you. Okay, explain. You.

[Caller 1]

You.

[Pat]

You caught.

[Caller 2]

No, I don't die. No, I'll die.

[Pat]

Okay, let's say you're like.

[Mike]

You're sloppy, bro.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

You're already talking to us and you're explaining, even if your voice is distorted. It doesn't matter. You don't care. You want this to be over. You're looking at us as a vessel to get out this relationship. And don't worry, you might have to go.

[Caller 2]

You might have to go on the Patreon. I will.

[Pat]

No, it can be on the Patreon. It could be wherever you want. Just know we.

[Mike]

We are doing your service and probably her service as well, brother. But no, no, come to the live show, though.

[Caller 2]

Oh, no, I am not with you.

[Mike]

Yeah, you can bring your size.

[Pat]

Which one are you bringing?

[Mike]

Bringing?

[Caller 2]

Neither, actually.

[Pat]

You gonna bring another person or just come by yourself?

[Caller 2]

No, no, it's me and my homeboy coming we getting vlp.

[Pat]

Give me your homeboy. Okay, okay. We'll check y' all out. I know you know?

[Caller 2]

Yeah, we've been watching since he put me on to the show. I've been watching since probably, like, episode 78. He's been on it since, like, 40 something.

[Pat]

Okay, okay. Let's see.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Pat]

All right, bro,

[Mike]

you worked. How long you been working on trucks, though?

[Caller 2]

Two years now.

[Mike]

Two years?

[Pat]

Yes.

[Caller 1]

Okay.

[Pat]

All right, brother.

[Mike]

What were you doing before that?

[Caller 2]

What was I doing before this? I was looking at Target, bro. Warehouse. I got fired because of Studs.

[Mike]

That's a different story in North Carolina still.

[Caller 2]

No, I'm in South Carolina. I'm just coming to the show in Charlotte.

[Mike]

Got it, Got it.

[Pat]

That's probably what we needed. We could close this up. No, Appreciate you.

[Mike]

All right, bro. You have a good one, man.

[Pat]

Wait, wait.

[Caller 2]

You.

[Mike]

You about to say something?

[Caller 2]

Word.

[Mike]

No.

[Caller 1]

No.

[Pat]

So what's. So after you get caught, what's your message to.

[Mike]

You know, you can apologize at the same time.

[Pat]

Yeah, you should probably get an apology out there, too, because just in case,

[Caller 2]

if she do somehow, some way hear this. I love you very much. I apologize for all the lies. That's finally gonna catch up with me.

[Mike]

Deservedly so.

[Caller 2]

That's it.

[Mike]

All right. Yeah, let's do this.

[Caller 2]

I got her name tatted on my face.

[Pat]

That's crazy. Oh, my God.

[Mike]

Name tat on your face. Okay, bro, what's up?

[Pat]

What's, like. Is she got a long name?

[Caller 2]

Nah, it's, like, right by my ear.

[Pat]

It's like she got a short name, like, bro.

[Caller 2]

I'm not. I'm not saying names.

[Pat]

All right, man?

[Caller 2]

Because I'm down there about to say the name.

[Caller 1]

Hell, though, say the name, bro. Nah, it's cool. All right, bro.

[Pat]

Yo, yo. What's the word, bird?

[Caller 1]

I hope you heard what's going on.

[Pat]

What the is going on?

[Caller 1]

I don't know. Tell me what the it is, man.

[Pat]

What the it is, dummy.

[Caller 1]

All right, man.

[Pat]

No, that's. That's. That's a. That's good lingo. Where you from?

[Caller 1]

From Detroit.

[Pat]

Detroit. Oh, what up, though?

[Caller 1]

What's going on?

[Pat]

Nah, you're not from Detroit. Where you from, bro?

[Caller 1]

I'm from Detroit.

[Pat]

From Romulus. All right, I got a question for you, bro.

[Caller 1]

What's going on?

[Pat]

Name something you got away with.

[Caller 1]

I used to steal out the cash drawer. Hedges. Oh, I used to let the cash register heavy.

[Pat]

Hold on. We'll be right, right back.

[Caller 2]

Back.

[Caller 1]

No, you ain't going nowhere.

[Mike]

Follow up. Hold on. Hold on, hold on.

[Pat]

No, no, no, no. Literally, we about to. We'll be right back.

[Mike]

We about to call you right back. Yo, yo, yo.

[Pat]

What's the deal?

[Caller 1]

What's going on?

[Mike]

My bad. We have having technical difficulties, so. You said used to what?

[Caller 1]

I used to steal out the cash register.

[Pat]

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

[Mike]

How long ago was this?

[Caller 1]

All right, I'm 21 now. This one, I was like 16. 17.

[Pat]

16. Close to being an adult, though.

[Caller 1]

Yeah. You said what about 16? 17.

[Pat]

Okay. Close to being an adult. Like, that's real close to 18. We can work with that.

[Mike]

Well, how much you. How much you think you stole, like,

[Caller 1]

over time or like in a day?

[Pat]

Oh, multiple times, huh?

[Caller 1]

Yeah. Yeah. Damn.

[Mike]

It's up. So let's start with how much do you think you. You. What's the most you've stolen in one day?

[Caller 1]

In a day? Probably like $50. $50? Yeah.

[Mike]

Okay, what about overtime?

[Caller 1]

All right, so I used to do this a lot. Like, probably. Probably damn near every day. I used to work three days.

[Mike]

I was in high school.

[Caller 1]

Out the cash register every day, you know.

[Pat]

Oh, there's gotta be. You gotta be. There's gotta be like a target or some shit.

[Caller 1]

No, no, no, not even. It was a drive through. I was a coffee dealer.

[Mike]

A coffee dealer?

[Pat]

Like a Starbucks coffee dealer?

[Caller 1]

Something like that? Something like that. Okay.

[Mike]

No, was it like a Starbucks, like a big chain or like a local?

[Caller 1]

Yeah, it was a big chain. It was a big chain. I ain't gonna say which one it was.

[Mike]

Oh, but just.

[Pat]

But you from Michigan, though?

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Oh, it was Tim Hortons.

[Mike]

Yeah, Tim Hortons.

[Caller 1]

No,

[Pat]

That's crazy.

[Caller 1]

I don't even know Tim Hortons.

[Mike]

You don't know anybody named? Too hard.

[Caller 1]

Nobody named.

[Pat]

But this a dude from Southfield, Michigan, on the phone, ain't it?

[Mike]

Yeah, I think he is, bro.

[Caller 1]

I'm from Detroit. We already talked about this.

[Pat]

Oh, Detroit. Detroit.

[Mike]

Like you live in Detroit? Because, you know, people be saying, no,

[Caller 1]

I'm in the heart of Detroit as we speak.

[Pat]

But you weren't still in. In Detroit, though. You're not cut like that.

[Caller 1]

I mean, the coffee dealership in question, it wasn't in a Detroit. It was in Gearborn. You feel me? Not far from Detroit. Pat, you. You probably know.

[Pat]

Yeah, I know. How much time you get?

[Caller 1]

That was a long time ago, before I even knew it was wrong.

[Pat]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. We still got time to correct that.

[Caller 1]

All right.

[Mike]

All right, bro. All right, bro.

[Caller 1]

All right, bro.

[Mike]

I.

[Caller 1]

With your pop, man.

[Mike]

No, I appreciate you.

[Pat]

Hey, man, make sure you share it with the people in jail, too?

[Caller 1]

No.

[Caller 2]

No.

[Caller 1]

Dick sucking. I I with y', all, man.

[Mike]

No, Appreciate it.

[Pat]

Appreciate you, bro. Free you.

[Caller 1]

No, I ain't going nowhere.

[Freaky Jean]

Hello?

[Mike]

Hello?

[Freaky Jean]

Oh, no.

[Pat]

Yeah, we can hear you.

[Freaky Jean]

You. You trolling already.

[Pat]

First of all, first of all, first of all, happy International Woman's Century to you.

[Mike]

T shirts on the website.

[Freaky Jean]

Oh, thanks.

[Pat]

You go get your T shirt at the International Woman.

[Freaky Jean]

I ordered a T shirt.

[Mike]

Oh, you did?

[Pat]

Oh, no. No way.

[Freaky Jean]

Yeah, I ordered a crop top.

[Pat]

No matter what, this call making it to the podcast represent all the. Okay.

[Freaky Jean]

Don't forget, of course. Gotta shout for the ladies. I'll try.

[Mike]

Name something that you got away with.

[Freaky Jean]

Okay, so, like, quick. It's not a backstory, but you gotta know this part. So I'm going to work one night, per usual, and I see this cop kid behind me. I'm like, whatever.

[Caller 1]

Cool.

[Freaky Jean]

I'm driving. There go his lights. I'm like, why is he pulling me over? So I pull over, and he's got his flashlight all up in my car. Mind you, this is right after it has snowed. So I'm like, okay, skeptical. It's cold out here. I'm tired. I'm on the way to work, and you holding me up. But anyways, so he's, like, shining his light all in my car, and I'm like, what are you trying to find? So then I realized my jar with all my weed in it is sitting right in the front seat. So I'm like, dang. Dang it. So he goes back to the car to run my information. I'm trying to, like, pour my weed into a Chase mix bag that I had in my car. But he. Yeah, he came back too soon. He was like, ma', am, I need you to put your hands on the wheel. And I'm like, I should have skirted off because I ain't done nothing. You didn't even tell me why you pulled me over. But whatever. So gets to talking. He has me outside the car. I'm not in handcuffs, so, you know, good job, but. Oh, shoot, y' all gotta bleep that out. But he freaking has me outside the car. They're checking the car or whatever.

[Pat]

It's gonna get bleeped out.

[Freaky Jean]

Okay? He has me outside of the car, and they're checking it. And then he was like, did you know weed is illegal in this state? And I was like, you know what, my guy? You sure, right? I bought that at the tobacco store right here. So he was like, do you have your Receipt. I was like. In my head, I was like, I know I got a receipt from this store. I'll be in here spending money, so I know I got a receipt. So I. I'm looking for the receipt or whatever. He's still checking the car. And then, like, his supervisor gets there. And I'm like, why don't you just check it? Y' all should be able to check to see if it's weed or not. At this point, I'm trolling, but I'm like, come on, God. Like, work in my favor. So freaking. The supervisor tested with his little CBD test kit, and it came back as cbd. So I was like, oh, bet I did my little happy trip out there.

[Pat]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Who you get the weed from?

[Freaky Jean]

That's. I'm getting there. I'm getting there. Oh, that part pissed me off. So I do a little trip out this whatever. And the cop, like, I found out why he had pulled me over in the first place. He was stalking me. He was like, I recognized your car because your car has this distinctive little thing on the side. And I was like, first of all, why you watching me? But he didn't answer that question. So I was like, okay, it's whatever. But the Kaweed came back and cbd. So I was like, bet. I'm driving to work at this point. Now I'm an hour late because it took them an hour to do everything. Whatever. I got away. No charge, no citation, no. So I was like, okay, good. But freaking. I caught my plug, and I'm like, nigga, you selling me CBD now? Like, what you mean, like? He was like, it's not cbd. I was like, nah, for show gang it is, and you better be glad, but you owe me some money.

[Pat]

No, that's crazy. Yo, weed.

[Freaky Jean]

That's what I said.

[Pat]

Yo, Weeds. Yo weed so weak that I didn't even go to jail on this shit. Imagine. Nah, for real.

[Freaky Jean]

That's how I was like, bro, okay.

[Pat]

Was so weak, they sent me home with no tick.

[Mike]

He must. He got. He gave you a deal, didn't he?

[Freaky Jean]

No, I mean, I thought that was just the prices up here. Like, I know I'm not buying no, like, rapper weed or nothing like that, but I'm also not. I'm not uncle auntie status where the mid and the Reggie still, you know, hit. So, you know, I like a little. A little something. But I was like, nah, bro, we not even cool.

[Pat]

That nigga gave you some shit that niggas take when they niggas next.

[Noni Juice]

Or

[Freaky Jean]

that's what I said. I was like, at this point, I might as well just keep buying it from the tobacco store. If you go sell it to me. At least now I got a receipt.

[Mike]

You got that at a gas station.

[Pat]

You could have put that on some.

[Freaky Jean]

So little parley. I was just like, yeah, but honestly, I feel like the way the. Because the little tester kit or whatever, I feel like the way he scratched it on there, if it really would have worked, it would have came back as thc. But from the little corner that he did, it was cbd. Sir, I'm not gonna say anything. Go ahead. It's black history. At the time, it was Black History month. So I was like, you pulling over a black woman and saying that I'm doing all this when I'm not in, Julie, because you stalking me.

[Mike]

Did you finish it?

[Freaky Jean]

No, I didn't quit smoking? Yeah. No, I kept all. He let me keep all my stuff because it was like.

[Pat]

What was the officer name?

[Freaky Jean]

Yeah, I smoked it. I smoked it on a

[Caller 1]

way to work.

[Freaky Jean]

I don't remember. I didn't even get his name. Like I said, homie didn't introduce himself. He didn't tell me why he pulled me over. He. All he told me was like, once I got out the car.

[Mike]

Yeah, we're gonna check it.

[Freaky Jean]

No, I'll tell you. The county is Alamance County. Alaman and Elon. Yeah, the Elon cops. Everybody who's in North Carolina knows Elon. It has the worst cops.

[Pat]

Elon.

[Freaky Jean]

Shoot, that wouldn't happen.

[Pat]

I'm not gonna lie to you.

[Freaky Jean]

Nah, Facts. I appreciate you. Yeah.

[Pat]

Yeah, we'll see you soon.

[Freaky Jean]

No, facts, you. Well, no, you probably won't be driving through that part unless y' all driving, but. Nah. Yeah, for sure, for sure.

[Pat]

Oh, yeah. See you.

[Freaky Jean]

Hold on. Wait. I don't.

[Pat]

You from. Where you from again? You from Charlotte, right?

[Freaky Jean]

Yeah, I'm close by. But I do have tickets to the Charlotte show, so. Yeah, you'll see me.

[Pat]

We might. We might do one in Raleigh, too. But keep your Charlotte tickets, though.

[Freaky Jean]

I'm in between Charlotte and Raleigh, so. Yeah, if you do one in Raleigh, too, let me know. I'll go to both of them. It don't matter.

[Pat]

Two of them.

[Freaky Jean]

Well, I'm gonna make each one a different date, so it's okay. Yeah.

[Pat]

Oh, you gonna read two different dudes? I'm gonna call your ass out at the second show. I'm not gonna lie.

[Freaky Jean]

Don't do that. No, I don't even have A date to the first one right now. We still working on that.

[Mike]

All right, you have a good one.

[Freaky Jean]

All right. You too.

[Pat]

We cooked. Let us know if we cooked or not. Put. Hey, if you. If we cooked on a listener callers. Put Freaky Jean in the chat. My man.

[Mike]

Oh, we got a guest for the second half. You can just introduce yourself.

[Freaky Jean]

Yes.

[Noni Juice]

What up, y'?

[Freaky Jean]

All?

[Noni Juice]

What's popping? It's your girl, Noni Juice. Okay, Okay.

[Mike]

I like to. Happy International Woman's Day.

[Noni Juice]

A thank you. Y' all appreciate women. I love that.

[Pat]

Happy International Woman's Century to you, actually.

[Noni Juice]

Yes. You got the one up.

[Mike]

I love it.

[Pat]

You want to try Happy International Woman's Eternity for the rest of my life. I'm a dedicate myself to international woman's life for myself.

[Mike]

I'm actually going to dedicate my entire lineage as they live to international woman.

[Pat]

Matter of fact, I'mma kill myself. That works. There's less men on earth, so there's more room for women.

[Mike]

N. That be sus pandering. I'm.

[Pat]

I'm up there waiting in heaven, waiting on Mike to one up me. He can kill himself anytime, though. Wait, what you mean you not doing it?

[Noni Juice]

Absolutely.

[Mike]

I'm like, hey, bro, they don't love you like that, bro. It did not.

[Pat]

Did what?

[Caller 1]

You.

[Pat]

Wait a minute. It's not heaven.

[Mike]

Were you ever. Were you ever a take me a take back person? I was a take backs or whatever. What's the word for it? Take backs.

[Pat]

Explain it right.

[Mike]

When I give somebody a.

[Pat]

You're taking people back.

[Mike]

Oh, my God. As a kid, if I let somebody borrow something and in the midst of them having the thing that I let them borrow, they make me angry. I'm taking what I let them borrow back. And that was the type of kid I was like, you can't. I can't do you a favor or give you something and you make me angry and you start like, you know, arguing with me. Because I feel like you shouldn't argue with me if I did you a favor as a kid. I'm different now.

[Noni Juice]

I was about to say you don't feel that way now.

[Mike]

No, no, no, no. I still look at you kind of weird. If I did something, if they do some, like, saucy shit.

[Pat]

Yeah, no, I'm not gonna lie.

[Mike]

I won't bring it up, but this is the last time that is ever gonna happen.

[Pat]

I wouldn't say take back, but I'm very like, tit for tat, like you not about to disrespect Me. And I'm not about to disrespect. You know what I mean? I gotta get my get back. So if I let you bor car and then a month later I asked to borrow your car and you say no, then you got sugar in your tank now.

[Noni Juice]

But, but, but what if they really have a reason why? Like, do you rationalize with that? Nah, no, it's just like, listen, if you don't got me, I don't got you no more.

[Pat]

Nah, I can't. I can't rationalize with terrorists. You gotta be.

[Mike]

You gotta give me my back. No, having to borrow a car. Car back is kind of crazy. I feel like that's such a different example.

[Pat]

That's how, you know, you like, evolve from your, like your friend group when your friends are asking you. That's just like, not grown.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Like, I had a friend ask me after I had already had a kid if he could borrow my car for the night. And I just looked at the like,

[Noni Juice]

like, what are you doing with your life? Or you don't have your own car right now, why you need mine?

[Mike]

Especially when it's Uber now. Like, I don't think I'm borrowing anybody my car unless they need it. Need it, you know? Like, I would rather get you an Uber. Like, bro, I got you on the Uber, bro.

[Pat]

It got to be like some favor involved. Like, you dropped me off at the airport, you got my car for the week. Go ahead, bro.

[Mike]

For the week. But it's like, why do you need my car for?

[Pat]

We. I borrowed your car before I took your car, bro. I took this dude car to the Upper peninsula.

[Mike]

Oh, you did take my car there. That's that college, though.

[Pat]

Hit me up. Mind you, the up is like 6 hours from my destination nation where I like where I actually wanted to go. And he got illegal tense. And then I call him and let him know because he was in Cali. I think he was at 49ers camp. And I call him. I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm gonna pick you up from the airport when you get back. He was like, all right, be careful because. Because the plates are illegal.

[Mike]

Yeah, I think my. I think my place was expired.

[Pat]

I said, well, I'm in the up with dark ass tenant windows, bro.

[Mike]

That expired license expired by like a year too.

[Pat]

Yeah, I did 90 all the way up off that.

[Mike]

That was irresponsible sometimes.

[Pat]

That was crazy.

[Noni Juice]

That's on you then. If you get in trouble with that, that is you.

[Mike]

You got to drive safe regardless.

[Noni Juice]

Like, he Told you ahead of time.

[Pat]

Yeah, it's on Mike.

[Mike]

No, I told him. I told him after he took the car, when he asked to borrow the

[Pat]

car, I would have literally pretended I was Michael Eobu to the end. I'm Michael Eobu and I'm a terrorist. He's going to tell you. Somebody getting locked for this, bro.

[Mike]

They still gonna take you to jail, huh? They're gonna find out who you are,

[Pat]

but you're going down.

[Mike]

What's your name, boy?

[Caller 1]

No.

[Pat]

Going to jail in the up As a black man, gotta suck. Want us to put some bet on for you, boy?

[Mike]

Oh, I got a question. What emoji do you use to make sure the person knows you aren't being passive aggressive? Like, for me, I'll put the. If I say thank you, you. I have to add the. The flexing emoji. The reason, especially if, like, it's a thing that they did kind of late or I know that, you know, it's like, it's a service. I wanted to happen quicker, and they finally did, and I say thank you, but just to let them know I'm not being that. That angry, I put the flex emojis. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pat]

No, that's crazy.

[Mike]

You guys don't, like, I'm.

[Noni Juice]

I'm not a big emo. I'm not a big. Like, I'm a lol girl.

[Mike]

Got it.

[Noni Juice]

So if I want to kind of lighten the mood a little bit, I'll just be like, lol. It might not even. I'm not laughing, but lol.

[Mike]

What about in a situation where if you were passive aggressive, it was, like, acceptable, right? Like, say that they did something late or. And then you're saying thank you. How would you say that? Thank you. Are you saying thank you, you. For me with no emoji?

[Pat]

Yeah. Nah, sometimes there's no emoji, but for me, it's always the forehead sweat with a little smile, you know? That's a good one. Yeah, that's a good one. I like, I just don't text back after.

[Mike]

Like, if they meet that deadline or something like that.

[Pat]

Yeah, I just, like, I'm like, in the business now. Like, I'm not texting back because that way you don't take anything out of context. I saw your.

[Noni Juice]

But that. They'll still take it out of context.

[Pat]

Re receipt.

[Noni Juice]

The thumbs up, not responding at all. They're like, oh, they. They hate me.

[Pat]

Yes. That's what I want.

[Mike]

But let's keep it open. When did thumbs up become such a Bad thing.

[Noni Juice]

Because it's. That is passive aggressive. If you're just like.

[Mike]

Well, I'm saying you need energy for that though. Because the heart is the first one. If you heart a message.

[Pat]

Yeah, that's quick. That's like, okay, they. They seen it, like, got it.

[Mike]

Okay. So they say, you want to tap over. Got it.

[Freaky Jean]

Okay.

[Noni Juice]

Who's upping a message? It's like, I. You don't even deserve an actual response. I'm just gonna thumbs up it.

[Mike]

Do people even thumbs up anymore in real life?

[Pat]

It's just like we go, when's the

[Mike]

last time you've seen a thumb? Somebody thumbs up you like this.

[Pat]

I thumbs up old white ladies that drive slow. Good job going. 25 and 25. You did. Congratulations. You stay right on that number.

[Caller 2]

Good job.

[Mike]

But I think it's passive aggressive too, in real life, I guess.

[Pat]

No, it is, but I just.

[Noni Juice]

You put a smirk with it, like.

[Mike]

Yeah, I guess. Yeah, that's true.

[Pat]

But it's also. I feel like it's just going to fade just like everything else. Because K is back in. Like when someone types me K, like after, I don't take it offensive.

[Caller 2]

Really.

[Mike]

Like just the K. But back then

[Pat]

you had a K. Come on now. It better be two more to follow. You better be about that business. No white person texting me K. Go ahead, send the other two.

[Noni Juice]

I don't like the K. That. That to me is like, you got a problem with me?

[Pat]

You think so?

[Mike]

Yes.

[Pat]

Give that from like a, like a woman's perspective of like how text messages should end. Do y' all have like a code or like, oh, she being kind of snappy with me.

[Noni Juice]

Is she being kind of snappy? Well, definitely. If you're in a K, it's like, you're not worth my time. Okay. K. Yeah, for sure. But one thing I think that we just hate is when we send a long paragraph message and y' all respond to like one thing out of that message. What's up with that?

[Mike]

Yeah, that means we understood.

[Pat]

Yes.

[Mike]

Because we don't have. I think, guys, we don't need to ask the follow up questions because when there's a thing that happens, you're already saying what should happen. And I'm saying bet or. Okay, yes. Got you.

[Pat]

And like, like during your paragraph, you said that I. I went on a date with her on Monday. It was a Tuesday. I need to correct that first. It was actually a Tuesday.

[Mike]

But go off especially. Especially if you didn't ask a question. And if it's like a statement you're making. Then it's like, okay, it's like, I. I don't want. I feel like if I respond with something different, it feels like I'm being. What's the word I'm looking for? Like trying to. Problematic.

[Pat]

Get it? Okay.

[Noni Juice]

No, if we're asking you about four or five questions in one long paragraph, you need to answer all those.

[Mike]

But then it's like, why you asked me four or five questions because clearly

[Noni Juice]

you done did something that we have to ask you four or five questions.

[Mike]

Let's think about it in a non, like they say non relationship cheat or non cheating way. Just like normal text messages. Like, maybe you tell me to like go pick this up and this up and this up from the store or something like that on your way home. And I just replied not okay. Or you tell me about some drama or something that happened at work, My response still might be okay through text because I know we're still going to talk about this in person.

[Noni Juice]

Yes, I would want the acknowledgment. Like if I'm. If I'm venting to you about something that made me so mad my co worker done ate my lunch or something like that. If you only hit me with a okay, I'm gonna be like, no, I would.

[Mike]

I definitely would have.

[Noni Juice]

You don't care either.

[Mike]

I would have gave you. That's crazy.

[Noni Juice]

Yes, crazy.

[Mike]

Because it is crazy. And I'll give my opinion when we see each other in person.

[Pat]

I don't want no paragraph of why your coworker ate your lunch. I want, I want a video of you beating ass. What the is we talking about? Do I need to come up there? We jumping this. This. Knew that burrito was yours. Ate half a burrito like this. Need his ass beat. No, the thing is like, okay, with my significant other, I'm like, yeah, I gotta respond to all these questions. And if it's a story about what happened to her during the day, that's fine. But when it's my mom and sisters, I go straight to that Apple pay and I saying, if I see a long story, I just saying 150. You're like, I don't know what you're going through. That helps with the paragraph.

[Noni Juice]

That's actually really interesting. Why wouldn't you send the. Your girl that one? The one.

[Pat]

I mean, she get. She getting both. You know what I mean?

[Noni Juice]

Okay, okay. She getting both. Okay.

[Pat]

Because you know, me and my sister is not doing the same thing. Me and my girlfriend.

[Noni Juice]

I would hope not.

[Pat]

We got some Listeners. You know, some of our other listeners, they actually do. You know, some of our audio listeners. Some people that listen to our podcast, they call audio listeners. They be hitting their sisters and stuff. So, yeah, you got to watch them. That's to be careful. But.

[Mike]

But yeah, I'm still trying to wonder why I have hotel. Oh, we talked about that.

[Pat]

Yeah, we talked about. Oh, oh, I'm about to send you a video. This is this funny video. There's these new, like, body cam videos of, like, people getting caught stealing. And, like, the audio on these are hilarious. He send that to Freaky Mike.

[Caller 1]

Hello, Mom, My car is in the back. Okay, but.

[Freaky Jean]

So.

[Caller 2]

So what.

[Freaky Jean]

What happened?

[Noni Juice]

The lady say, I cashed out myself,

[Pat]

but me, my boss, and we. We had a store full of customers.

[Caller 1]

We were standing.

[Freaky Jean]

She was standing right there the entire time.

[Noni Juice]

So.

[Pat]

Okay, but if ain't no proof you. You cashed out yourself. Her money.

[Caller 1]

That's.

[Mike]

That's what she said when all I

[Pat]

was doing was setting up her device.

[Caller 1]

Devices. Okay, but wait a minute. So if.

[Caller 2]

Do you.

[Pat]

Did it show that you cashed out yourself?

[Caller 1]

Yeah, it was on my cash app.

[Freaky Jean]

Okay, well, then you did that.

[Pat]

No, I did not.

[Caller 1]

That was.

[Pat]

So that was a phone call. They had her in cuffs, and she asked to call her mom, and that was a conversation between her and her mom on speakerphone in front of the cops. And even the cops, like, looking at her as her mom say that, and they shaking their head like, bro, we got all me like, you cash tap yourself off of. It's just funny how like. Like looking around America, how many dumb crimes there are like this hopped off the couch and thought of this crime in 30 minutes.

[Mike]

That's crazy. That's a bold move, too, to cash. Like, if you're like. Because I'm guessing she's. She works for a cell phone company, and she was setting somebody's phone up, and then she decided to cash app herself. Yeah. Which is such a crazy thing to do.

[Pat]

So crazy.

[Mike]

No matter what, even if she. She saw it there or didn't see it there, she still would have saw it at some point.

[Noni Juice]

But then try to lie.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Noni Juice]

Like, you wanted people to be confused

[Mike]

with you and not lie.

[Caller 1]

Good.

[Pat]

She said, right, mama. Mama's like, hell, you're not looping me in. You could tell she stole before her mama. Like, again, you know, she stole from her mama personally.

[Mike]

Her mama.

[Caller 1]

Her mama.

[Pat]

Fed up. But that's crazy, though. I don't get people that commit crimes like that. It's like, bro, get a little Bit more creative as a parent.

[Noni Juice]

Do you, like, protect your kid in that sense, or what do you do? Like, do you.

[Pat]

I've seen. I've seen different videos. Like, I just recently saw a video on Tick Tock of this mom. She answered the door for the cops, and the cops came there looking for her daughter because her daughter's boyfriend went missing. And they found, like, traffic traces, like, big ass traces of blood. So they know it was like he was murdered. And they basically, like, arrested her for murder. And the mom turned and was like, what did you do? What did you do? And I'm just like, as a parent, that can't be me. And I'm just like, no. I think when it's ride or die with my son to the end, I

[Mike]

think it's different

[Pat]

if he hit seven bodies. And I'm like, all right, a little bit bush. Now you're a little serial killer dog.

[Mike]

Yeah, I think it depends on the crime. I feel like, like, murder.

[Pat]

It's like it depends on, like, what happened.

[Mike]

I would like to. If I know they did it too. It's like, it gets tough if it's like, oh, he robbed us a store or some. It's just like, I'm gonna try to, like, protect them to a certain point.

[Pat]

Why not murder, though?

[Mike]

Because it's like, you're a danger. Because you're a danger to society.

[Pat]

Like, if you find out the reason, like, all, oh, son. Oh, he. He kept pausing the game and he was already up 20.

[Mike]

I see why you popped that. We gonna get you. I feel like, obviously I would never, like, try to offer any information, but if. If it protects somebody, more people from not getting murdered, then it's just like,

[Pat]

you feel like you taking somebody off the street.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pat]

What's that dude that he. He testified against his son. You know what I'm talking about? That it was like a New York rapper or something like that.

[Mike]

It might have been Jacksonville. I think it was like the case of.

[Freaky Jean]

So.

[Pat]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He like, would you testify against your kid?

[Mike]

It depends on the crime, but his was. His is different, though. I think he was like, his dad was involved in the crime too.

[Pat]

Nah, man, he gotta do that time for his son, man.

[Noni Juice]

If I was there, saved his life.

[Mike]

If I was there and I was committing the crime with my kid, then yes.

[Pat]

Right. You gotta take that charge.

[Mike]

Yeah, if I was. That was there committing the crime, yes. Then I'll take. I'll take the time.

[Pat]

But if you know your son.

[Mike]

But if it was murder and I didn't pull the trigger.

[Pat]

Wait, wait. It says that he snitched on his son because of his health issues because he had diabetes.

[Mike]

That's his fault.

[Pat]

So he wanted to stop the violence. Desire to stop the violence. Imagine said your dad, for your desire to stop the violence. Oh my God, bro. I'd be so sick in that courtroom. I would have farted so loud on that goddamn.

[Mike]

Hate this dog.

[Pat]

Why was I born from him again? Shout out to Dwight Howard for that big ass bag of cocaine his girl had on that live. It's just like insane to me.

[Mike]

It's just still in my brain.

[Pat]

Like how do you have a personal brick? Like what the are you going.

[Mike]

Cocaine's a tough drug too. Is it?

[Pat]

You think it's cuz he's 7 foot tall, he has that much cocaine? Like is it.

[Mike]

Was Dwight doing coke too?

[Pat]

I. Dwight has like a lot of allegations out. So I won't just sit on here and just. Just slander his name. But it's a lot of people out here. That's because it was another girl that said like he ruined her career and stuff like that.

[Mike]

So I know last time we talked about passwords of like changing your password and stuff like that.

[Pat]

Password on what? Oh just period.

[Mike]

Yeah, period.

[Pat]

Okay.

[Mike]

I said when do you stop using your childhood email?

[Noni Juice]

When it say like fat ma2 9

[Pat]

get a job. I'm hiring fat m29. She sound loyal as hell.

[Mike]

When do you have to graduate from that?

[Pat]

I say like depends on what you did. Like I wish. Like obviously I went corporate at some point. I was a college football coach too, so I had to change mine. But I used to have like get out the way Johnson. Yeah, get out the get out the way Johnson. [e-mail] hit me up.

[Mike]

I used to my was like sacrilege.

[Pat]

Sacrilegious.

[Mike]

I remember that. That was my. That was my email for no. No reason at all.

[Noni Juice]

Say what does that mean?

[Pat]

No you religious to a sack.

[Mike]

Sack means like sac is like something that's like sacred. I don't think that's what it is.

[Pat]

No, no, no.

[Mike]

You or like the me no like the.

[Pat]

The beat. Huh?

[Mike]

It's like the me like the misuse of something like sacrilege. Like if you like go into something like a church. Sacrilegious.

[Pat]

Sacrilege.

[Mike]

Yeah, sacrilege. That was tough. That was. That was so different. I used to love telling girls that was my email too.

[Pat]

Hey, it. It hit. Did you.

[Mike]

Having sex based on your email is crazy.

[Pat]

Come on. That's all it took back in like high school.

[Mike]

Now Facebook names or MySpace names was different usernames.

[Pat]

I got it.

[Mike]

Mine is two fly mike.

[Pat]

I got a. I got a girlfriend off a game winning touchdown. I like you. Let's do it.

[Mike]

Thumbs up.

[Pat]

Let's do it.

[Mike]

No, life was simple then. You had a good leatherman jacket. That was the end.

[Pat]

Letterman jacket. Three sport athlete, easy. You actually get in the game and stuff.

[Mike]

Now you not. You have to know how to do a tik tok dance. I gotta know how to dry. I gotta know how to gyrate my hips. I'm a big cook.

[Pat]

G. Do that again.

[Mike]

Niggas gotta know how to spreading they legs open.

[Noni Juice]

Why?

[Freaky Jean]

Come on.

[Noni Juice]

It's tough out here now. I was just talking to some college girls the other day. They're like, these dudes out here are not. They're not it, bro.

[Mike]

What's this move called? Lil Duh duh duh nuh nuh.

[Pat]

What's that?

[Mike]

What is the move? The drowny.

[Pat]

You see a doing this, you know it ain't no.

[Mike]

I'm not going to lie. I'm starting to understand why people do cocaine in certain parts. It's like I was listening to this like, EDM song, right? No, this song by Gordo, but this song called Gordo by. Called Loco, right? And it's just. It's just like one of those hit those, the drums drop. Yeah. I was like, if I did coke, this would be the setting I would do coke in.

[Noni Juice]

Like.

[Mike]

I get it.

[Pat]

You just can't convince me, though.

[Mike]

No, you can't convince me though. But I'm just saying that was my thing though.

[Pat]

Yeah, I. I'll just settle for a green tea shot if we doing coke.

[Noni Juice]

What about the 80s, though?

[Pat]

The 80s, I.

[Mike]

They definitely would have got me with a quo.

[Pat]

Listen, I'm all about. I'm all about. Because I feel like we're moving in like, the. The direction of like, you know, minorities being more empowered, women being more empowered. And like, I'm all about the trend. Like, I like to get ahead of the trend. Like, what we doing. I want to help take it further. So if I was in the 80s, I would have took that even further. I would have been on crack. I would have had three families. I wouldn't have given a. About nothing. And I would have been a failed musician like this still playing guitar in Birmingham, Alabama. Get your tickets, get your tickets for y' all don't see no no again oh, also to repeat again, if you around me you can Say Trump if we on an airplane. If you say Trump, I'm swinging on you. None of that.

[Noni Juice]

Oh, yeah, no, not on the air. I was about to say that airplane stuff is crazy.

[Pat]

This getting crime time will beat the. Out of somebody on the Internet airplane.

[Noni Juice]

But when you do that, then do you get put on a no fly list? If you're trying to protect, you know.

[Pat]

No.

[Noni Juice]

Yourself.

[Mike]

In that case, you might not. You might be good if somebody was causing. If somebody's causing a disturbance on the plane, I think they look to people to help subdue the guy.

[Pat]

Imagine trying to be a hero. Imagine somebody sneezing an hour. You snap they ass like, got up. Y' all want to try something?

[Mike]

Not baby crying. You come and slap the. Out the bro.

[Caller 1]

You sleep

[Noni Juice]

now.

[Mike]

Slapping somebody's crying baby is crazy. No, I took care of the noise, y'. All.

[Pat]

You should never slap a crying baby.

[Mike]

No, no, I'm joking.

[Pat]

But the thought does go to slap their parent when the baby is crying. But obviously, if you had a baby before, you know, it's just like some uncontrollable ass crying that you just. Just can't stop.

[Noni Juice]

But I'm not there yet.

[Pat]

But when it's a toddler.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Crying, and I see the toddler, like, three or four years old. That get me hot. I'm like, bro, get this iPad or something. Bro, just get this little. A cigarette, something. Like, try anything.

[Mike]

No, I think when you can. When you can communicate with your kid, that's the point where it's like, all right, you got. There has to be some type of, like, shut the up involved.

[Pat]

That's why we want to ask a wife, Are they afraid of black people? I come rough. That little. Make sure he. I saw a video of a guy. He won a hundred thousand dollars off a slot machine, and they came out. I guess it's like the casino doing, like, their. Their marketing, whatever. They came out and counted his cash and put it in his hand. Oh, and he ended up tipping the person, like, $10,000. And I like, I never knew that was a thing to tip the person that's counting your money. Like, it's like a good luck thing.

[Mike]

I've tipped the people at, like, the. The blackjack tape table especially, obviously, if you win off of what winning. And, like, I've won, like, a thousand dollars before. And I threw him like, 20.

[Pat]

No, because that's a percent. What percent is that?

[Mike]

Like, what's that? Like, 2%?

[Pat]

That's kind of crazy. That's bad.

[Mike]

I throw you a 20.

[Noni Juice]

When he.

[Mike]

When he put it, he wouldn't give me a ticket. He won.

[Noni Juice]

I wasn't expecting you to say 20, not $20.

[Pat]

You got the 100, I think.

[Mike]

No. A hundred?

[Caller 1]

No.

[Noni Juice]

Hell no.

[Caller 1]

I'm not going to lie.

[Pat]

How much money you spend at the table?

[Mike]

I came in there with 40, bro.

[Pat]

I'm. And you want a band. I'm like legit. If I was the blackjack dealer, I'm liable to slap the out that so disrespectful. You watch a win a rap. He talking about some.

[Mike]

No. If I came in there with most. If I came in there with more money. But I feel like this is a true comeback story. Like you didn't want me to win.

[Pat]

No, no, they do want you to win. They get paid more when you win.

[Mike]

No, they don't.

[Pat]

Yes, they do. No, they don't.

[Mike]

If they. If they legit change the dealers going off too much.

[Pat]

Yes, that's the casino. The dealers want you to win.

[Mike]

The dealers don't give a because you keep playing.

[Pat]

Yes, the. The dealers want you trust.

[Mike]

No, the dealers don't because they still losing game the casino. The dealers want you to lose. They want you to have a good time. No, bro, but they want you to lose.

[Pat]

That's like saying the McDonald's workers don't want you to have extra if they want to, but the company don't want and they might lose a job.

[Mike]

In their mind, they like. They want to but if for their job sake, if somebody. If you're there and it's like, oh, 90% of the people are winning off of you.

[Pat]

No, come on now.

[Mike]

You're not. You don't got a job no more. You're doing something that means you must

[Pat]

be doing something wrong. But I'm just saying they. They want you to win. They like when it's like big hits anybody.

[Mike]

That's a dealer comment. If you want us to. If you actually want the. The customer to win.

[Pat]

Oh, them sleep right now.

[Mike]

Be honest with you.

[Noni Juice]

I really don't think they care. The dealers.

[Mike]

Yeah, I don't think they care.

[Noni Juice]

I used to work at Potto and I was secured, but you know, security.

[Mike]

Yeah, you should have hit me up

[Pat]

when you was there. I robbed that blood. It was a rough time.

[Noni Juice]

Third shift too. It was crazy. I don't think the dealers care that much. We used to kick it with the dealers. They don't care.

[Pat]

I don't give a man the dealers. But no. What I will say about the casino, that is sad as like if you actually like pay attention. You'll see a sitting up against the wall just texting like you know, you know he just put his rent on that blackjack table. Like it's some people in there that stuck like they can't go home. I seen somebody wife blowing them up and they just kept.

[Noni Juice]

It's a lot of stories that could be told at about a casino from even the fact that they use the bathroom on themselves.

[Mike]

Oh really?

[Pat]

Stay at the table sometimes.

[Noni Juice]

Yeah. People at the casino, they don't move from.

[Mike]

They wear diapers.

[Freaky Jean]

Yeah.

[Noni Juice]

Oh, they will wear a diaper.

[Mike]

Crazy.

[Pat]

Now I've seen a dude, he was gambling and he had like the. The breathing machine. Old white dude.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Pat]

And then he took that off and started smoking.

[Mike]

I definitely see to live or die. I'm here to gamble.

[Pat]

Gamble with his money and his life. This do and everybody else's. And this is combustible. Got the lighter right by the tank and oh. Shout out to Gail King. I see you, girl. My God, I just said I see her. Shout out to Gail King. Let me know you want to see. We got the video.

[Mike]

Why you say like a toddler?

[Pat]

The video.

[Caller 1]

Whoa.

[Noni Juice]

What's going on there? Too little thick.

[Pat]

I ain't going to lie.

[Noni Juice]

When I.

[Pat]

When cuz you know, I've like, I've like, I've given up. I've given up porn. You know what I mean? So like when I seen that video, it took me back.

[Mike]

I saw real laughing off Gail as.

[Pat]

Wait. I'm telling you, when you at the end, that's how you know you need to get out of porn. Is like when you start looking up and it's not for your pleasure. You're just like, why is this on the Internet? I think it's time for me to exit this part of my life right now and turn my life over to God.

[Mike]

Don't rush, man. You got tweeted weeks.

[Pat]

Actually, no, I. I said them all. The casino one was tweeted a week. Kaiser Nat was tweeted a week and Death to America was tweet a week. Ah, okay, okay, okay. But again, shout out to Dwight Howard. That's a big ass bag of coke, bro. I don't get it.

[Mike]

The daylight saving anybody else?

[Pat]

Oh, man, come on now.

[Mike]

I know I pause in between my curse words, but I'm just trying to talk slower.

[Pat]

Who did daylight save as?

[Caller 2]

Not me.

[Mike]

Did that mess with anybody today?

[Pat]

Nah, man, I ain't got no job.

[Mike]

That's true though.

[Pat]

You know what I mean? Like entrepreneurs, they don't with us like that them 9 to 5 and they should be breaking their back.

[Mike]

Does it throw your kid's schedule off?

[Pat]

Nah, hell nah.

[Mike]

Because then your kids don't really know what time it is. Just go based off feeling.

[Pat]

That's the thing that my son know about me. There's no like get up time.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

If he got up early, I wouldn't know. I'm still asleep. What's wrong with this little man?

[Noni Juice]

Real independent. Then you just be staying sleep.

[Pat]

No, he be mad as hell. He be like, it's morning, dad. D n. No, it ain't.

[Mike]

Do people even have clocks in their houses anymore? Like wall clocks?

[Pat]

I got one on the one I look at the most is on the stove.

[Noni Juice]

Yeah.

[Mike]

So do you have like a physical clock though in your house?

[Noni Juice]

I do, but it's not telling the

[Mike]

right time decoration now.

[Noni Juice]

Three years ago I just never faced. I was like, I don't use it anyway.

[Pat]

That tick.

[Noni Juice]

Stop

[Mike]

leaving on your favorite number and all. Six, seven.

[Pat]

Yo, I'm about to text somebody. Yo, I just talked to somebody, ain't used a clock in three years. And that's what it felt like when I left you time stop. That's crazy.

[Mike]

The guys, you think guys actually do like the, the, the long apology text? Yes, in a sense. In the sense of like after a while we broke up for a while and it's like a check in, like hey big guy type of thing. And they use. And they actually use a real situation to happen to say this reminded me of you.

[Pat]

N I, I apologize. Like Biggie did. You ever seen what Biggie did to Faith Evans? He's like, come on.

[Freaky Jean]

F

[Mike]

you never see what happen.

[Pat]

I think I know what you're talking about.

[Mike]

I got to.

[Pat]

We got to look up that video that about to have you crying. That's exactly how I apologize.

[Noni Juice]

And say what? What did he say? He beatbox back into her heart.

[Pat]

Just put pull up Biggie. I sent it to you too.

[Noni Juice]

That's crazy.

[Mike]

Oh, in the movie.

[Pat]

So basically what Biggie is doing, he basically trying to like refer to like some deep memory that they have. And I feel like that's the funniest way to do it. It's like, like, like you arguing with your girl and then you bring up something from a year and a half ago. Like remember that beat? Like making a Winnie the Po voice.

[Mike]

The. Not the non verbal apology.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Is. I wonder what that would be though. Would that be like the playing the music outside their house type of thing?

[Pat]

Yeah, like the boom box.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Yeah, I feel like. I feel like non verbal apologies are like, way better. Like, I've like, like, gotten to the point of just like opening up for a hug.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

You know what I mean? Like, let's just hug it out because, like, half the time y' all don't need. It's a stupid argument. When you hug, it's really gonna make it stupid. But sometimes, like, you realize, like, after you hug, you be like, no, I'm right.

[Mike]

Actually, you gotta add your last point. Yeah, I don't. I feel like that's creepy though now.

[Freaky Jean]

Right?

[Mike]

Somebody's outside your window.

[Pat]

Window, yeah.

[Mike]

That's stalkerish. Right? But they made it seem like it was a room.

[Noni Juice]

If you know them and you like them. If you're just a strange person. Just who found my address and now you outside my window after the breakup equivalent.

[Pat]

Because, like, that was like a. They're putting themselves out there to get, like, embarrassed in front of their neighbors, you know, Like, I don't care who knows. Like, I love you, you know?

[Noni Juice]

Now they do it on Facebook.

[Mike]

Oh, I love seeing people in relationship turmoil on the Facebook.

[Pat]

Like, explain. Explain the Facebook thing.

[Mike]

I'm confused because you'll. Especially when you have both people as friends on Facebook. It's. Oh, my gosh. It's amazing. Yes, you just. Because you'll see. You'll see the tweet and stuff like that. It's like, back outside and by the girl. Or the Facebook post, back outside by the girl and stuff like that. And then you see the dude in the comments stop playing. You know, I love. I'm just like, oh, he's like, putting it out there. Yeah. It's just interesting though.

[Noni Juice]

Or the ones I hate. I'm. When the guy is apologizing publicly on Facebook, like, man, I know I done did some real bad stuff to you. I apologize.

[Mike]

Why do you hate it, though? He's apologizing.

[Pat]

I know what you're talking about. Jonathan is feeling sorry because you letting

[Noni Juice]

everybody know you done cheated on me.

[Pat]

You know, me, Me having a threesome in Mexico. Got nothing with the way I feel about you. Even though they was the thickest girl I ever seen in my life. You thick too. Lifetime at home. I did not need all that thickness. Just throwing it back in my face. And for me to go in for a round two, just. I'm so mad at myself.

[Mike]

Just let you know how sick I am. I'm seeking help right now too.

[Pat]

My favorite thing is when I find out an unnecessary secret because couple is beefing on Facebook. Like, why do I know that Johnny is uncircumcised? Who knew this had a burrito dick the whole time?

[Mike]

Or the one I see a lot is exposing the guy for being like, DL. That's the ones I see a lot.

[Noni Juice]

Seeing the boo boo in the drawers.

[Pat]

A lot of people be saying that girls.

[Mike]

I think girls take that picture as collateral too. They'll take it during the relationship when everything is like going, well, well, let's

[Noni Juice]

take that picture and save it about her, though.

[Mike]

That is true.

[Noni Juice]

Or even him if he's taking pictures of people panties. Like, what are we doing?

[Pat]

That's how I knew, like, I was in relationships that I didn't want to be in because the girl would have a picture of me. And I'm just like, I want you to delete that. And I had to think to myself,

[Mike]

like, why do I want her to

[Pat]

delete that so bad? Oh, yeah, because we not gonna be together and I don't want you to have. Not my wife's. Please, please delete this picture of me sleeping. Cuz I don't. I don't want to see it when I'm famous. Like, I should have told her to delete that.

[Noni Juice]

They'll definitely post it when you weren't even there recently.

[Pat]

No, I know.

[Mike]

They be like, look, that's the worst part.

[Pat]

Your favorite podcast would have laid up five years ago. Look what I did to him. Like, girl, that. That's five shots of tequila.

[Noni Juice]

You would.

[Pat]

You would know. Miss.

[Mike]

Ms. Plank Princess

[Pat]

did not put me to sleep.

[Mike]

That was. That was Bluetooth tequila and weed and ecstasy tacos.

[Noni Juice]

I was on Howard's cocaine.

[Pat]

Yeah, I was on season five of All American. No wonder I fell asleep. It wasn't you. They killed T digs.

[Mike]

I still didn't see the episode, but they killed I.

[Pat]

If you ain't see it yet, fuck you. They killed Baker. Whatever. The head coach.

[Mike]

What series you been watching now? I've been watching Paradise. You. You started.

[Pat]

Oh, wait, it's back.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Don't say. Is it good?

[Mike]

Yes.

[Pat]

Oh, I can't wait.

[Mike]

It's going to be annoying though. You might cry.

[Pat]

Wel. Hey, that was episode 249. I'm about to go watch Paradise. I might cry.

[Mike]

Yeah, you might cry a little bit.

[Pat]

Don't really make me cry, bro.

[Mike]

I didn't. It didn't make me cry, but it

[Pat]

depends what you saying. No, you would definitely cry before me.

[Mike]

No, I wouldn't.

[Pat]

Yeah, you would.

[Mike]

I wouldn't cry, bro. Come on now. I've seen you cry in different situations

[Pat]

when you see me cry.

[Mike]

I saw you cry at a wedding.

[Freaky Jean]

No.

[Mike]

Yes, I did see you cry at a wedding.

[Pat]

Why did I cry at.

[Mike]

You cried at Casey's wedding.

[Pat]

Oh, why?

[Mike]

You're giving the speech.

[Pat]

It that one.

[Caller 1]

That.

[Pat]

It was a different type of cry, But no, that was more like seeing somebody. You grew like, okay, you got.

[Noni Juice]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Which is not a bad thing.

[Pat]

You cried at the same. The last time I cried. You cried too.

[Mike]

I didn't.

[Pat]

Yes, you did. I saw you.

[Mike]

No, I didn't.

[Pat]

Okay. You going to hell.

[Mike]

I did it

[Pat]

anyway.

[Mike]

That's been. You have anything to shout out? Thank you for coming through.

[Noni Juice]

Oh, my gosh. Yeah, I'm just. Honestly, I'm not gonna lie to you. It's so interesting seeing y' all do this in person.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Noni Juice]

Like, I feel like I got a front row seat to just like.

[Pat]

I think. I think a lot of people, like, like, assume that we just take, like, a cut here, then start here. But we always, like, sit down all the way through it. And like, sometimes, like, when we have guests on, they like, they're like, oh, that was it. They like, we out of here. It's like, yeah, that's it.

[Noni Juice]

Yeah. No, that was really fun. I appreciate y' all for having me.

[Mike]

No, we definitely have you back, so.

[Noni Juice]

Oh, yes. Let's do it. And then y' all have to come on my podcast. Make sure you guys follow it and take a listen every single day. It is your go to drop a juicer. What's happening right now. It is called Brain Squeeze podcast. You can find it anywhere that you get your podcast. And you can follow me. Your girl Noni juice on Instagram at Carrie Noni underscore. C A R R I E N O N I underscore.

[Mike]

Hey, already here. First, remember, live show. Subscribe to the Patreon merch Merch Merch.

[Pat]

We will. We'll let y' all know about the the women's International century T shirts if we gonna restock. Welcome, ladies. Again. Happy International woman's eternity. Remember spam Freaky gene in the chat. Let's get that going.

[Mike]

So I'm just gonna bleep everything. I'm gonna tell Harar. Harari bleep everything he said.

[Pat]

And I'm gonna tell Harare not to. He's gonna be back

[Mike]

just bleeping us the whole time.

[Pat]

Harar gonna bleep himself.

[Mike]

I was like, holy, he's scared. Like, editing live.

[Pat]

Shout out to our. Shout out to our new editor, Harar. Oh, damn. We ain't gonna let him know his name. Harar. All right.

[Mike]

All right, y'. All. Peace.