Don’t Judge Me But… - Episode 250

Summary

Crash Dummies Podcast: "Don’t Judge Me But…" – Episode 250 (March 18, 2026)

Hosts: Patrick Johnson & Michael Esiobu
Theme: Humorously diving into current events, wild scenarios, and audience confessions of taboo behaviors or opinions.

---

Episode Overview

In their milestone 250th episode, Pat and Mike bounce through an energetic, candid, and hilariously insightful discussion centered on the prompt "Don't judge me, but…". Featuring audience call-ins, personal stories, and spontaneous riffs, the episode highlights their signature blend of relatable comedy and real talk about friendship, awkward situations, relationship pet peeves, personal flaws, and much more. As always, they engage with their "Crash Nation" community in completely unfiltered fashion.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Announcements & Live Tour Schedule

• Housekeeping banter: Mike jokes about wanting to use a "cooler word" than "housekeeping."
• Live Shows:
  • Upcoming: Chicago (March 26), Toronto (first international!), Detroit, Raleigh ("y’all inside us," Mike jokes), and more.
  • Canceled: Birmingham due to low ticket sales.
  • Merch restock (Women's shirts).
  • [03:32-05:14]
  • Quote:
    • Pat: "Some people who listen to our podcast literally can't leave the country... some can't even leave their cell right now, so we should be grateful." [03:53]

---

2. Friendship Dilemmas: "How long before you can ask a friend to help you move?"

• Main take: No set time—more about reciprocity vs. time known.
• "Emergency situations" (e.g., breakup move) might fast-track the ask.
• Pat: "You just canceled our friendship, bro. You just lost a friend. Good job, you idiot. I had your back." [06:32]
• [05:37-08:21]

---

3. Viral Video Skepticism & AI

• Discuss misleading viral content (plane emergency video, Facebook posts) that turned out to be AI-generated.
• Growing difficulty distinguishing reality online.
• Pat: "Usually you can tell... the AI people don’t know how to act. They always end weird..." [10:47]
• [08:22-11:35]

---

4. Performing in Front of Exes and Petty Performances

• How do you act if your ex (or former friend) comes to your event?
  • Most say it would fuel them to "show out" or shift their entire performance to address the ex.
• Hilarious anecdote from guest Gene about circling the crowd and singing to the "wrong girl" in front of his ex.
• [11:35-13:51]

---

5. Pet Peeves: The "Self-Declared Personality" Problem

• Disdain for people giving themselves flattering traits ("I'm just humble") before proving it.
• Discussion about honesty versus self-awareness, "setting the tone" for others' expectations.
• Pat: "People don't even know what 'humble' means..." [15:41]
• [15:10-16:32]

---

6. Selective Attention and Podcast Callers

• Hosts admit to zoning out when callers are monotone or overly detailed.
• Jokes about "blinking hard" to stay engaged while listening.
• [16:32-17:59]

---

7. "Sneaky Rule-Breaking" & Parking Garage Antics

• Mike confesses to parking his (non-electric) BMW in an EV-only spot, then complains when someone less discreet joins him.
• Highlights: resentment for others breaking the rules in a more obvious way and thus "making it hot."
• [20:26-21:34]

---

8. "What's Stopping Humanity from Living Peacefully?"

• Surprisingly sincere exchange.
• Main takeaway: Lack of understanding for others’ backgrounds, social/economic divides.
• Pat: "It was way easier for me to get a gun and some drugs than to find a book..." [22:35]
• Spirals into a lighthearted bit on who would make a good/bad drug dealer and trust/flashiness as risks.
• [21:34-24:52]

---

Audience "Don’t Judge Me But..." Call-Ins (Selected Highlights)

A. "If your dick is little, you need a strap-on"

• [25:04-30:36]
• A caller shares a story about expectations regarding men's bodies and, humorously but pointedly, advocates for "tools in the tuck" if you're not "well equipped."
• Several jokes and light roasting about real-life proportions, embarrassment, and double standards.
• Caller: "You just big as hell in all the wrong places…" [25:30],
  Pat: "He might not have felt like he had a micro penis though." [28:49]

B. Peeing in the Kitchen Sink

• [34:18-42:23]
• A man admits he sometimes pees in his kitchen sink to avoid pausing his video games—his girlfriend doesn’t know.
• Intense debate and roasting ensue ("grown ass man," "pissy man"), but Pat concedes to the desperation of in-game moments.
• Pat: "Even my 4-year-old son knows how to get up and go pee in the bathroom." [36:55]

C. Sneaking Through an Ex’s Phone—And Finding Her Mom's Nudes

• [46:21-50:44]
• Texas caller admits to finding his ex’s mom’s nudes while snooping, which raises more questions than answers.
• The story reveals she cheated on him; the dogpile is gentle but playful.
• Mike: "Why does your ex-girlfriend have her mom's nudes in her phone?" [46:55]

D. Stole Friend’s Dog and Entire Wardrobe in Revenge Prank

• [57:53-61:52]
• New York listener recounts an escalating prank war—after his car was posted for sale online, he struck back by "kidnapping" his friend’s dog and stealing clothes.
• All ends well (they're still best friends and the friend was his best man).
• Caller: "He had to go to work with one outfit the whole week." [59:18]

E. Foot Fetish Triggered by Being Dominated

• [52:25-54:07, 54:31-56:08]
• Montreal caller reveals a foot kink started by a dominant ex—a struggle to get current girlfriend to participate.
• Hilariously awkward discussion about how to ask partners for "dumb" (dominant) behavior.
• Caller: "She tied me up and forced me to lick her feet. And since that day, I’m a little addicted to that." [53:15]

F. Bringing Home a New Date While Living with Ex

• [62:25-67:50]
• Woman explains inviting someone over after a breakup while still cohabiting with her ex ("post-breakup, but still roommates").
• Mike: "Why would he just pop in your room like that?" [65:53]
• Relationship boundaries post-breakup are debated.

G. Exposed Cousin’s Bad Hair During a Dance Battle

• [68:31-72:16]
• Listener took off his cousin’s hat mid-dance battle in front of a crowd, exposing a bad hair day.
• Breakdown of dancing skill hierarchies and the fine line of family betrayal.

---

Social & Internet Culture: Reflections and Hot Takes

Time's Fluidity and Digital Footprints

• "2016 was 16 years ago!" Pat jokes about time distortion [72:22-73:11].
• Importance of searching and deleting problematic old tweets to prevent "doxxing" later.
• [73:11-75:19]

Cancel Culture & Audience Responsibility

• Shift away from cancel culture as people get tired of inconsistent enforcement.
• Audience is warned: If they ever get canceled, Pat's "going all the way back the other way. I can't go back to a nine and five."
• [76:42-77:53]

Never Playing Matchmaker

• Both hosts refuse to introduce their good friends to one another romantically—don’t want the guilt if it fails.
• Mike: "I wouldn’t care if they dated, but I wouldn’t want to facilitate it..." [78:30]

Vulnerable Real Talk: Personal Growth and Self-Check

• Emphasis on processing emotions, especially anger, before reacting.
• Take 24 hours, reflect—is it really that big a deal, or an old wound?
• [80:28-82:43]

---

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On helping friends move:

  • Mike: "That can't be one of the first good deeds. Oh bro, yeah, we've been friends for six months. Can you help me move? ... You just canceled our friendship, bro." [06:22-06:32]

• On old viral content and AI:

  • Pat: "Call me Uncle Fester on Facebook. ... I think everything is skeptical on Facebook." [09:36-10:03]

• On being honest about ADHD:

  • Pat: "If I go on my phone, it ain’t because you boring, bro. It’s because LeBron got a conversation with Tim Hardaway Jr. and I don’t want to scroll past this right now..." [16:13]

• On race, privilege, and empathy:

  • Pat: "It was way easier for me to get a gun and some drugs than to find [a] book..." [22:35]
  • Mike: "Especially when you’re doing deals ... you’re psychoanalyzing this person’s every move..." [23:54]

• On embracing your own flaws:

  • Mike: "If my girl is too organized, I gotta humble myself and realize she is just trying to keep me on track." [83:55]

• On high school dating "skills":

  • Pat: "When was my soul most disturbed? ... Juggling multiple women at 16, my soul was disturbed." [90:11-91:35]

• On COVID and unexpected side effects:

  • Pat: "I lost my sense of smell ... and I could not get erect for a whole month. ... I had a mini mental breakdown because it hit like day 21..." [94:14-95:33]

---

Closing Reflection

This 250th episode is classic Crash Dummies: a lively mix of personal stories, hilarious confessions, real social commentary, and audience interaction. Whether they're debating the ethics of peeing in a sink or passionately discussing racial empathy, Pat & Mike's chemistry and honesty keep it both engaging and relatable for new and longtime listeners alike.

---

Timestamps of Key Segments

• 03:32 – Tour & Merch Announcements
• 05:37 – Asking Friends for Moving Help
• 08:22 – AI Viral Videos & Skepticism
• 11:35 – Performing in Front of Exes
• 15:10 – Self-Declared Personality Pet Peeves
• 16:32 – Selective Attention During Callers
• 21:34 – "Sneaky" Rule-Breaking
• 22:35 – Racial Empathy & Opportunity
• 25:04 – "Don’t Judge Me But…" Call-Ins Begin
  • 25:04 – Micro Penis Dilemma
  • 34:18 – Peeing in the Sink
  • 46:21 – Ex’s Mom's Nudes
  • 57:53 – Revenge by Dog/Kidnapping Clothes
  • 62:25 – "Roommate Ex" Awkward Date
  • 68:31 – Dance Battle Hat Reveal
• 72:22 – Time Distortion/Old Tweets
• 76:42 – Cancel Culture
• 78:30 – Playing Matchmaker
• 80:28 – Owning Your Emotions
• 90:11 – High School "Copy-Paste" Dating
• 94:14 – COVID, Loss of "Power"
• 95:33 – Outro

---

For more audience confessions or to catch a live show, visit crashdummieslive.com

Transcript

[A]

Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. I don't know if you knew this, but anyone can get the same Premium

[B]

Wireless for $15 a month plan that I've been enjoying.

[C]

It's not just for celebrities.

[A]

So do like I did and have one of your assistant's assistants switch you to Mint Mobile today. I'm told it's super easy to [e-mail]

[B]

Switch upfront payment of $45 for three month plan equivalent to $15 per month. Required intro rate first three months only, then full price plan options available, taxes

[D]

and fees, extra fee, full [e-mail] you

[B]

want to know my new pet peeve? What is when someone hypes something up and asks you like, hey bro, can you believe this? And you actually can believe it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Yeah. It's something very rational.

[B]

Yeah. Just like, man, that's my granddad, he's 93. Can you believe it? It's like, yes, this moves like a lava lamp. This smells like Bengay. Hey, he keeps calling me boy. What's up with that? Tell him we free now, man. He can't talk to me like that. Do you ever get that, like that eerie feeling sometimes of like it's like an older man? Because when we recently did our intro shoot, the guy who, whose car we rented, what was he, 97 years old?

[A]

97. 97. And he didn't, he looked old, right?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

He didn't look 97 just because of the way he was walking around. He's kind of like peppy in a step and like that mobile. Yeah. I thought I would have been like, this is a 75 year old man, like almost 80.

[B]

Yes, exactly. You really couldn't tell that he was old until you were two feet away from him asking him a question. And he wasn't paying.

[A]

Yeah, no, he definitely. His ear, his earring was gone.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. He literally only react to shadows.

[A]

I forgot what his name was, but.

[B]

Now you gotta be there.

[A]

His name was. This is. Call him Jim. Right. We pull up to. Well, it's an old school car. We pull up to the side and he's sitting in a lawn chair like in some shade. And Pat's like, hey Jim, should we like park the car over here? Right here. And he's just, he has shades on, so we can't really tell. We can't really tell if he's, if he's looking at us or not. And he's like, hey Jim, like right here. And then he says nothing. He says he does It Juice. He points. Yeah, he points at himself with the juice. Like, the juice.

[B]

No, we was legit yelling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So. So that's the intro, y' all see.

[A]

Yeah, like the truth. That's not what we're doing.

[B]

Hello.

[A]

Hey. The radio is for people who are driving. Welcome to Crash Dummies podcast. Yo. Welcome to crash dummies, episode 250. I'm Mike. We got Pat here. We got Gene here. Oh, couple. What's. What's the term for this when you want to do, like, the laundry list of things.

[B]

Announcements.

[A]

Announcement. Not announcements. With something else.

[C]

It's like you thinking, like, housekeeping.

[A]

Yeah, housekeeping. I want to say something way cooler. You know when you try to, like, expand your vocabulary. Ye. But then he's like, I want to use his word this whole time.

[B]

But going back to being more simple. You.

[A]

Yeah, I feel it

[B]

for this week.

[A]

Chicago, March 26th. We are in town again. Get your tickets. A couple more announcements. Sorry, Birmingham, we had to cancel. Just wasn't enough ticket sales. But we are coming to Cleveland, Toronto, and Detroit. Toronto, first international show, I guess, is that. That's considered international?

[B]

I mean, we leaving the country.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

You need a passport.

[B]

Some of the people that listen to our podcast literally can't leave the country. And then some of the people that listen to our podcast literally can't leave. They sell right now, so we should be grateful.

[A]

Oh, let me not forget Raleigh. We're coming to you as well, Riley.

[B]

We inside you.

[A]

North Carolina. You guys are going crazy with. I said Charlotte. I mean, Charlotte. You guys are going crazy with the ticket sales, so. Man, I know some people are. What's. How far is Raleigh from Charlotte?

[B]

About two hours.

[A]

Two hours. Okay.

[B]

Yeah, it's hard. I'm sorry. If y' all bought tickets to the Charlotte show and just coming to both shows. Y' all live in Raleigh. Just come to both shows, bro. And if you bought a ticket to Charlotte, we won't refund you.

[A]

Nah, I think they might. I don't know. I actually don't know. We don't know.

[B]

We don't control it.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

We don't run our account.

[A]

But Chicago. Coming up, Nashville. Merch is out. Christ dummies. Merch. Are we releasing. Re releasing the. The woman? We're gonna make it. We never talked about this, but we can make this a decision right now.

[C]

Right now.

[B]

Let's do it.

[A]

We're doing restock.

[B]

Let's do live on three. Everybody say the answer. One, two, three.

[A]

No, we can release.

[B]

We just wanna. We Just want to make sure. Actually it don't matter when they come out. I think that was our biggest debate of, like, putting their shirts out outside of March.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But the shirts do say century, so you can post them anytime.

[A]

So they're out again at Crash Dummies merch tickets, crashdummieslive.com Yep.

[B]

And, oh, another thing. First of all, first of all, oh, my God. Happy International Woman's Month. Inside of the year, inside of the decade, inside of the century, inside of I off myself to get another man to make more room for the ladies. How many of you men willing to do.

[A]

Oh, my. Since we were talking about friendship stuff last week about taking shits out of people's houses. Right. Okay, so I got another, like, friendship s question. How long do you have to know someone before you ask them to help you move?

[B]

Know someone to me, to me. There's. There's nothing you could do. Like, there's no time frame. I should say it's more of, have I helped you with something that took my time and didn't get compensated for it? You know what I'm saying? Like, did I help you move something before? Did I help you come over and clean something before? Did I?

[A]

But someone has to go first.

[B]

Exactly. That's.

[A]

But you never want to be the first. Be the front one doing the good deed first.

[B]

That can't be one of the first good deeds. Like, oh, bro, yeah, we've been friends for six months. Can you help me move? Like, you just.

[A]

That's like a one month person type of relationship.

[B]

You just canceled our friendship, bro. You just lost a friend. Good job, you idiot. I had your back.

[A]

What would you say?

[C]

I think it depends on how much time you spend with the homie. So if you're over at a crib, like, if you're the homie that's always chilling over there, like, smoking and, you know, I think it depends on, like, that length of time. Like, if you met the, you know,

[A]

I feel like dudes, especially adult men,

[C]

it takes a while.

[A]

It takes a while for you to invite another guy that you weren't friends with growing up to your house.

[C]

Why are you moving so much?

[B]

Yeah,

[A]

I'm moving again.

[B]

Move every year.

[A]

Almost every year.

[B]

Must be pissing on the carpets.

[A]

No, the address on my id, I think it's like five addresses, bro.

[B]

I don't change that. Cops, when they be pulling me over, they be like, well, you say you live at this address, but your ID says this address. You need to get that change. I'm like, yeah, you need to get your breath changed. No, but the other thing, that point I gotta make, it also depends on the situation of why that person is moving.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

In your case, right. The situation is you just want to live in a different neighborhood. You know what I mean? So if you ask me to help you move, it will probably be a no.

[A]

You know, I mean, but this would be the first time that won't ask you to move. Yes.

[B]

Come on now. I'm looking at our bank account. Hire some workers. I shouldn't be touching shit. But the other thing is, it's like sometimes in an emergency, like, oh damn, your boy just broke up with his girl.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And let's say you only knew him like four months. Then I feel like, okay, I got your back. Like, this is an emergency. Like, let's go get your 52 inch flat screen out of there because that's all you fucking own. You ever help a dude move after a breakup?

[A]

He has no furniture.

[B]

You help that nigga move and the house still look fully furnished. What did you put in? They don't own shit around here. Oh, that's another thing that happened yesterday. It's just funny when a fire truck pulls up to the place that you're at.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Me and Mike were walking to the studio and as we walk in, a fire truck pulls up and five buff ass white dudes jump out with axes. Like, and we look at and our studio is in like a 25 story building. So we like, oh shit, if something on fire in there, that means it's like the whole building could catch on fire. And that brings me to a point of I was kind of ready to sprint up to the studio and kind of salvage what we can, you know what I'm saying? Like, I'm coming up here to grab a couple cameras and somebody had posted a tweet of there was a flight that had an emergency landing and a bunch of people were jumping off the the plane and you could see the plane was on fire.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And everybody that jumped off the plane had luggage in their hand. And a person like tweeted like, man, everybody on this plane should be on a no fly zone for grabbing a luggage. And basically like, because if you probably.

[A]

I think that video is AI, but go ahead.

[B]

Do you think it's AI?

[A]

It was, I think, I'm pretty sure it was.

[B]

Well, call me your Uncle Fester on Facebook they said.

[A]

Because the reason I want stop you there before you went further was cuz, last time the. I guess the person dancing at the birthday party was a. AI as well.

[B]

That was AI oh no.

[A]

That's what they were saying.

[C]

That makes sense.

[A]

That was saying that's what people were saying in the comments.

[C]

Watch that a few times. And I was like, why everybody so calm?

[A]

I think with those videos, with those type of videos that it's easy to get caught with those type of videos.

[B]

Cuz they don't mean it don't mean.

[A]

So it's like you kind of just grow and keep going.

[C]

Literally like I was looking for the video and I was like what the am I doing searching this jumping off an emergency.

[B]

That's one thing I never ran from the unk allegations either. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I got got. But at least it wasn't on Facebook. I. I think everything is skeptical on Facebook.

[A]

No, I think I always. When things are like more unbelievable, I look at the video longer. But when it's stuff that's pretty believable, like the uncle dancing in the party type type of thing. It was like. It's very believable, but just cuz so random.

[B]

The airplane one was believable.

[A]

The airplane was believable. But it's just I. I feel like I would have saw the airplane one that kind of knew was AI Because I feel like I would have saw that more places.

[B]

I thought it was older footage also. I didn't think it was like a current event. I think the, the people that are getting smart at the AI videos make it look like a. A video that's already happened in the past. But usually you can kind of tell because the, the AI people, they don't know how to answer. They always end like. It'll be like. It'll be some. That I actually believe. You know what I'm saying? It'll be a. A leopard jumping into like some swamp and then attacking the alligator and dragging the alligator.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Out of the, out of the swamp. And I'd be like, damn, I can't believe I just saw this. How they capture this. And then at the end the leopard to swing the alligator 20ft across the room and it's like what the. This is. Almost got me. Okay, I got a question for you.

[G]

Because

[B]

you know, Gene, you perform music, you do live shows, you know, you, You've obviously been boxing lately. How would you perform if you knew you had a ex friend that you didn't like or an ex girlfriend that you didn't like and they showed up to your thing because we. Because every. Because you box, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you probably get. I Say like we being like 202, 250 person venues. And you probably bring was up because you'd be fighting like first on the car. You probably bring like 90 of the people to the venue. And the same thing with you. You probably perform in front of like 150 people.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

That one person means a lot. You know what I'm saying? So, like, what if a X that you didn't like showed up? Would that make you perform better or worse?

[A]

I think for me, better because I don't want to lose in front of that person.

[B]

Her.

[A]

If I was a music artist, I'm definitely showing out.

[C]

Oh, man. I did,

[B]

man.

[C]

I had the whole room make a circle. Like the whole, like audience. I made it make a circle and I got in the circle and I picked the girl in the crowd that wasn't her. And then I sang to her and everybody was recording and posted on social media.

[B]

Oh, that's probably the best position. I probably.

[C]

It was a good time if I

[A]

was a musician because fighting's like, you still got to be on your p's and Q's.

[B]

Like, you can't really.

[A]

A knockout is a knockout, you know?

[B]

Can't really worry about your ex. Yeah. Yeah. But music is like all the aura. Yeah.

[C]

You on stage and that. It's already about you, you know, and

[A]

everybody singing word for word your song. I'm definitely doing the Usher cherry thing out of nowhere. I just. I don't. I don't know where I got cherries from, but that day that would have a cherry in my pocket.

[B]

I do the Usher cherry thing to everybody. When I get to her, I'll pull out some fart sprig. Right in your mouth. Shitty. No, but like, I feel like I hope that never happened to me because I would switch my whole monologue if I was doing stand up and I saw my ex like, well, well, well. Gotta change all the jokes today. Who got a up ex in here? Make some noise. Make some noise. If your ex breath stink.

[A]

The thing too about like, especially like famous R B female singers.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is that you can get songs made about you.

[B]

That is true.

[A]

And that's like something I feel like I'm not. Feel like I'll never have to go through, like somebody making a song about me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like I. That has to be a different feeling.

[B]

Especially if even.

[A]

Both ways. Both ways. Even like rappers rapping about their exes and stuff like that.

[B]

Or rappers rapping about their teacher. That was Right.

[C]

Especially if it go crazy. If it go viral.

[B]

No. If it go too viral.

[C]

Everybody's singing it.

[B]

That dirty Diana. But the thing about it is, like, the more famous you get, the easier it is to talk about your exes. Because I would never even ask an ex scenario. Questioning when we first started the pot.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Because it just seems, like, too local. But now, like, none of my exes can say because they know it could possibly get worse, and they don't know

[A]

which one they talk about.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, you gotta keep it very vague.

[H]

So many.

[B]

He's a hoe. All right. Okay. My. Okay. Another pet peeve I got. When people give themselves a personality trait before proving it to you, like, during, like, one of the first initial conversations.

[I]

Okay.

[B]

They'd be like, yeah, bro. And you know what I'm saying? They telling you a scenario they. They've been in and just like, yeah. And I'm just a humble dude. Come on now, man. Now I gotta hold you to that stand there. I bet not hear that's out of pocket. You better stay humble this whole time. But I also going back to that, that was part of that pet peeve, is that people don't know the actual definition of some of those base words. Yeah, people don't know what humble means. People don't know it. Like, outgoing means and stuff like that.

[A]

What if they say something negative about themselves? Like, I guess this is very neutral thing. Like, for me, it's like the nonchalant thing. Right. I was like Abraham raised just so you kind of get an understanding. It's like, it's not that I don't care, just, like, how I am.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I care, like, a lot, but my face might not show it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So what are they telling you that in the base of, like. I'm just trying to, like, set this forward before. That's kind of like, deep conversation for your guys.

[B]

No, no, I love that because I've been doing more of, like, letting people know I have adhd.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So, like, in the middle of this conversation, if I go on my phone, it ain't because you boring, bro. It's because LeBron got a conversation with Tim Hardaway Jr. And I. I don't want to scroll past this right now, so I'm gonna ask you to hold up R.P. your grandma, though.

[A]

But hold on.

[B]

You know.

[A]

You know when your brain is really firing, when you start blinking? Oh, yeah, Yeah.

[B]

I blink a lot too. And I never realized that until Harar started zooming in on my shirt. Back your ass.

[A]

Super zoom. I think it's also because, especially during callers, I I blink a lot, I feel like. And I think it's because we're not staring at anything. It's like you're trying to lock your eyes on one thing. Like when we're doing calls, I'm literally staring at the trash can right now. Like I'm focusing on a trash can, not trying to, like, move my eyes around too much. It's just a lot to focus on when you're not looking at anyone.

[B]

I'm not gonna lie. It depends on what type of voice people have. Yeah, for me, I have very selective hearing. If somebody has, like a very monotone voice or I feel like they're putting too many details in their story, I zone out because I know some of y' all call me. They'd be like, not even paying attention. He keep asking questions that already been answered. But y' all never talk about how stupid the person voices. Like, the stupider the voice, the more I zone out. I'm just saying, man, like, sometimes I just can't take that shit. Yo, let's take a quick break from today's podcast to thank the sponsor. DraftKings. DraftKings sportsbooks, the number one sports book for live betting, is built for March. The tournament is unexpected. Rewards are guaranteed. DraftKings Sportsbooks is delivering the most generous rewards in the market with DraftKings, the

[A]

number one sportsbook for live betting. You're not betting what might happen. You're betting what's happening. New to DraftKings. Bet just $5 and get 200 in bonus best instantly. Download the DraftKings sportsbook app and use code CRASH. That's cold crash to turn five bucks into 200 in bonus best instantly in partnership with DraftKings.

[B]

The crown is yours. Gambling problem. Call 1-800-GAMBLER or 1-800-MY RESET NEW YORK. Call 877-8-HOPE NY or text HOPE and why Connecticut? Call 888-78-9-7777 or visit ccpg.org on behalf

[A]

of Boo Hill Casino in Kansas. Wager tax pass through May apply in Illinois, 21 in most states void in Ontario, restrictions apply. Bonus bets expire seven days after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see sportsbook.draftkings.com promos Limited time offer.

[B]

Yo, let's take a quick break from today's POD to thank our sponsor. Earn it. Think about how wild it is that we work, then wait, then get paid. That's the deal we just accepted. Meanwhile, you can literally get anything else instantly. Earn in has been changing that for over a decade up to $150 a day of money. You've already earned up to $1,000 between paychecks.

[A]

Tips are optional. Standard transfers take one to two business days with no mandatory fees. Expedite transfers start at $3.99 and cap at 5 dol dollars 99 cents. 5 million people have already made the switch. At this point, the old way is starting to look like the weird option. It is pretty absurd that we treat money as a waiting game, but I've made everything else instant in the instant Access era.

[B]

Yeah, as y' all know, I've had a lot of jobs over the years and it's strange how I just accepted waiting every few weeks for my paycheck. Back then I didn't feel in control of my finances. It could be stressful earnings, the type of platform that could have helped me get there. This is access to your money. That's why there's no interest, no credit checks and no mandatory fees.

[A]

Your paycheck date could soon become the most irrelevant number in your life. Earn is a non Bank Finance app. 5 million people and growing down Earn on the App Store or the Google Play spell. Like earning money without the G type in Crash Dummies under Podcast when you sign up. It'll really help the show. Earning is a financial technology company, not a bank. Access limits are based on your earnings and risk factors. Standard cash outs take one to two business days with no mandatory fees.

[B]

Expedited transfers available for a fee. Tips are voluntary and don't affect the service available in select states. Terms and restrictions apply. Visit earning.com for full details. Download Earning now and take control of your pay Back to the podcast.

[A]

I hate when I'm doing something wrong, but I'm doing it in a sneaky way. And then another person comes and do another thing wrong. The same thing wrong but making it very obvious. And I say this for so where I live now there's like two garages, right? And there's the garage is close. There's a spot closest to the elevator to get to my apartment. It's electric parking. So I have a BMW X6. Like I feel like anybody sees it, they might not really think is this an electric car? It looks just big and shiny. So I'm like that's gonna take away from it. There's somebody with a beat up ass car that parks right next to me in the another electric parking spot. And I'm like, you're making the like now you're making it hot here and I hate that. It's like don't I know I'm doing something wrong, but don't do the same thing. And you're not even being sneaky about it. And it's like your car like, like, come on now.

[B]

Yeah, this, this old ass honesty.

[A]

Yeah, that's what. Exactly what it is.

[B]

Yeah. Like 98 and beat up.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Like cassette.

[B]

I'm like, bro, that gotta do his like the Flintstones.

[C]

He's trying to hide his car behind you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm like, bro, they got that material car. The daddy was trying to say rolling the miles back on that bitch. Okay, serious question. What is truly stopping humanity from living peacefully together?

[A]

That's like a very deep question.

[B]

I don't think it's that deep.

[A]

I think what is stopping humanity for

[B]

from living peacefully together?

[A]

I would say people seeing where people are coming from, like, understanding why this person might feel this way. And I feel like there was more understanding about that. Especially like not to make this super racial. Like people that grow up, you know, more central. What's the more urban cities and you kind of go to like the white dude that kind of is like super rich and like they grew up very privileged.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They don't understand why this person is hustling the way they are the way. Like they might say, oh, it's not handed to me. Or like, oh, you just got to work harder like that word. Just, just work harder.

[B]

It's like, I don't think people understand that. Like, I, like, before I could like go get a book. Like, it'll be harder for me to go find a book that somebody recommended when I was 14, then me. For me to go get a gun and some drugs.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I could get drugs so fucking easily. It was so easy for me to be a drug dealer. Like, I could have easily did that shit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I feel like I'll be. I don't know why I have this like, feeling, but. Do you ever get the feeling like you just be a way better drug dealer than some people?

[A]

No, I. I honestly think I would be bad.

[B]

Like, you think that. You think what will make you bad?

[A]

I feel like I'll look out too much. Like I would like give people deals and.

[B]

No, you wouldn't, bro. You don't even do that now with like the podcast and stuff like that.

[A]

I feel like I would look out for like my, my friends. No, okay, not. Let me not say weed. Let's say this, let's say.

[B]

Let's say one thing I'm not doing. I'm not selling no weed. Okay.

[A]

That's What I'm saying, we talk about just illegal drugs.

[C]

Right?

[B]

Right. If I'm gonna go to jail, let's do it.

[H]

I.

[A]

I think then it would come down to like just like trusting people. I would just would psych myself out too much. Trying to be too sneaky.

[C]

That's what I was gonna say. I feel like you would, you wouldn't want to like trust other people, so you'd be doing it all yourself. Yeah, everybody else is in like gangs

[B]

and I'll be too flashy type and just the people. Too flashy.

[A]

Yeah, and just the people I would like come in contact with like on a day to day basis. Like especially when you're doing deals and like that. And it might not be somebody you're like super familiar with. So you obviously, you go in there with your pistol and now it's like, now you psychoanalyzing this person's like every move. Like if he's reaching and anything like that. So I'll psych myself out too much.

[B]

Yeah, that I guess, I guess that would be the hard part of it. I never think about it is like the people that's in the drug game, everybody not smart. Yeah, like probably majority of people not smart. It's like people out there out here moving dumb as hell. That's how most people get caught.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like, yeah, you smart, you running a good operation, but the person that you just fronted is like you literally just gave him drugs and the took off in his brand new BMW. It smell like weed. And this doing 60 in the 30. And then he talking about, bro, they got us.

[A]

That'll be the worst call to get.

[B]

Yo, yo, yo, what's the deal?

[D]

Hi you guys, how are you?

[A]

Pretty good, pretty good. I got a question for you. What's your unpopular opinion?

[D]

If your dick is little, you need to have a strap on in the tuck or like a dildo or something.

[B]

Yeah, like. Are you talking about like, like a micro penis that somebody and they need like a regular penis. Are you saying like. Yeah, like give us exactly like, like

[D]

if your dick is, is two inches, you feel me? If your dick is four inches, how

[B]

many dudes you know with a two inch dick?

[D]

I've met a, with a two inch dick. Swear to God, a big stupid tall ass. You just big as hell in all the wrong places.

[A]

Are you sure it wasn't the ratio?

[D]

Mike? What I'm telling you.

[C]

No, like six.

[D]

What I'm telling you is if the was, was, was five foot, this would still look crazy. That was six Five, six, five, two inches.

[B]

That guy was trolling God, I swear to God.

[D]

Like, like, why would you ever do that to somebody? And then it was like a. He was like. It was so embarrassing because the was like a street and he had the nerve to have that little ass dick.

[A]

Did you. Did you tell him about this street?

[B]

What the. He playing around.

[D]

Why would I tell you? No, no, that was funny. No, I didn't tell him that. His. What. How the was I supposed to say that?

[A]

I didn't know if it was like somebody you were messing with, like, for long term.

[D]

It was somebody I was. It wasn't long term.

[A]

So if he pulled out. If he pulled out. So if he pulled out a strap on in that moment, that would have been what you wanted.

[D]

It wasn't. It's not supposed to be like that. It's supposed to be like, okay, I'm gonna set up the scenario. Boom. We get in there. We, you know, we talking a little light. You feel me? Foreplay or whatever. He pulled down his pants. I see that. He like, okay, I. I understand that.

[B]

I know what it look like. Un. Squint your eyes.

[C]

Now

[A]

hold on. I'm gonna carry you up real quick. Stand on top of the bed real quick. Listen, you gotta see for. You gotta look down.

[B]

I'm literally only one inch. Inch below the.

[A]

If you look at the u. S. Average.

[B]

If you look at people in South Korea, I'm actually above average. I'm not a grower or shower.

[A]

But

[B]

look, I understand it ain't gonna be no back shots, but.

[A]

All right, what happens?

[D]

No back shots, no missionary, nothing. Anyway, so I'm saying so after that happens. Because, look, I'm in an awkward situation. If you had a micro penis, you should have told me that from the gate. So I didn't, like, feel comfortable enough to come in here, right? So I'm. I. I feel awkward and embarrassed. I need you to feel awkward and embarrassed too. So make me comfortable. Bring out something so that I can you feel me.

[B]

Oh, you got it. He should have had a toy or he should have had a rose or something going.

[A]

That little ass.

[H]

Dude.

[B]

Did you say rose? He should have had the rose toy

[A]

to go with that little ass me. This should be a combo.

[D]

If I put your rose, he can't even put the dick in.

[A]

He brought his own rose.

[B]

You know. You know how you. When you go to panera and you get like the. The deal pan and then they give you like half a sandwich in a smaller soup instead of the whole, you

[H]

know, you Got half a.

[A]

He. He might not. He might not. Felt like he had a micro penis, though.

[J]

You.

[D]

You know. You know your dick, little bro. Please.

[B]

So did y'.

[H]

All.

[B]

Did y' all have sex?

[D]

No.

[B]

So you told him? No. Did you tell him why?

[D]

No, he ate, so I. He. He ate, you know.

[B]

Okay, wait, wait. But did he attempt to have sex after. After he ate?

[D]

So I pivoted a little bit. I told him that I was. That I wasn't ready for that just yet. And then I kind of just like, left like I was.

[A]

Girl, pull out the chastity belt.

[B]

Is like. I'm not. I'm trying to. I'm not trying to vouch for him or some. Yeah, yeah, but she should have gave a. A chance.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

You don't know. He's been working with that his whole life.

[D]

For what?

[B]

Cause he probably had that, like, 11 through now. Yo, he like that stop growing?

[A]

Yes, he might have been.

[H]

Stopped growing.

[B]

That n. He know it.

[A]

He might have been a show. He might have been a shower.

[D]

No, if you doing your job right, though, you would get aroused.

[B]

Oh, yeah. What about that?

[A]

We don't know if he was the erect.

[B]

Oh, you didn't make. You didn't. It ain't your job to make him hard. But I'm just saying.

[A]

What do you mean it's not her job?

[B]

No, that's too crazy.

[A]

Is that crazy?

[D]

No, it was hard. That's what I'm saying. You can tell, like,

[B]

Rocket had a tarantula penis. That's crazy. No, but. No, that's crazy.

[A]

All right, we got another question for you.

[B]

That ain't that funny.

[D]

So Mike Furman Pat you.

[A]

So we got episodes.

[B]

You shrimp taster.

[A]

Vegetarian. Girls eating some prawns.

[B]

She said, how am I gonna give him head?

[A]

What you got to say? So what you got to say to the. I guess Gene, you got to ask this question.

[C]

So what do you have to say to Crash Dummies?

[D]

Hey, Jean, the thing that I have to say to Grass Dummies. First of all, you guys are amazing, but you already knew that, though.

[A]

Thank you. Thank you.

[B]

Appreciate it. In the mirror three times.

[A]

I feel like something negative is coming.

[B]

I know.

[D]

That's real. Affirm yourself.

[A]

All right.

[D]

My only thing to say last time I was on here, I said it, and you guys hung up on me. Well, Micah hung up on me. I feel like Mike, to be real, you just, like. You don't seem very genuine. You know what I'm saying? Like, and it might just be the fact that you super Nonchalant.

[A]

Yeah, that might be his.

[B]

Get that idea.

[D]

Like, you really give a about a

[B]

lot of relationships over there. That's why our friend grew so small. Now just keep leaving that friend. Like, Mike don't with me.

[A]

That is up. I'm have to explain that to people. I think I sound condescending. Like, my voice is a little condescending sometimes, but I'm not being condescending.

[B]

Yeah, you got that slave master.

[A]

No, don't say that.

[D]

The slave master voice is crazy. No, but I was saying that to say, because Pat seems just like a all the time. You know what I'm saying? But, like, through the dickheadness, you could tell, like, he's like a genuine person. Like, he just seems like he gives a about people. And. And Mike, you just don't see him like that, you know?

[A]

I feel it.

[B]

No, Mike be doing hella favors. I be hitting Mike up.

[D]

You be giving people, man.

[B]

M. Mike would do like.

[D]

You be giving rise and.

[B]

No, no, no, not like that, but no, like, Michael do, like, a favor for somebody and then just be like, I'll be hitting them up. Like, why the would you do that?

[D]

Like, why?

[B]

Yeah, I feel like I go out

[A]

the way for the people in my life.

[B]

No, he generous as hell, bro.

[D]

I know that's right.

[B]

You know what I'm saying?

[D]

I know your mama love you.

[A]

No, I would think so.

[B]

Now, that Jean.

[H]

No.

[C]

Hey, him dog.

[B]

I. I didn't see this slice a throw it over.

[A]

What he doing

[B]

was in my Uber last night.

[H]

I would have.

[A]

That's why Jamie changing outfits like, like three times a day. I've seen this Jean popping three outfits a day. I'm like, oh, yeah, he definitely a serial killer.

[B]

You feel me?

[D]

He just committed three murders.

[A]

N. It's fits me too bright to be stealthy.

[C]

This one's reflective.

[A]

Imagine getting try to blend in, but not try not to blend in on purpose.

[B]

Imagine a being a serial killer, but the always, like, got that on.

[A]

And, yeah, No one did look like he baked bread and the other china look like a mine. All right, you have a good one, though. Appreciate you.

[D]

Y' all have a good night.

[B]

You're a little laughing, yo.

[H]

What's it going on, my boys?

[B]

Welcome to Crashing Me's podcast. What's good, buddy?

[H]

How y' all feeling? How y' all feeling?

[B]

What's up? You having a party or something?

[H]

Yeah, bumping to go to a quiet area. We good, we good.

[B]

What kind of party you got going on?

[H]

Diddy party, daddy party.

[A]

Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy.

[B]

No, we know you.

[H]

No, it's for my mother. My OG mother.

[A]

But you just joked about your mom's birthday.

[B]

Come on now, we gotta. We got a question for you. Finish. Finish this sentence. Don't judge me.

[H]

But I still. I like to pee in the seat.

[B]

Pee in the where?

[H]

In the sink. In my kitchen sink.

[B]

And you live by yourself?

[H]

Yeah, yeah, me and my old lady, we live together. She don't know though.

[A]

Why, why do you like that?

[H]

All right, y' all play the game, don't y'?

[G]

All?

[A]

What game?

[H]

Like Xbox.

[A]

I'm just trying to make sure you said diddy party at the beginning.

[H]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. So my crib, I put my, you know, I got my, my system in my living room because I don't want that in my room and like that. Yeah, and sometimes I'm in a wreck, right? Game. I can't believe I'm saying this, bro. So why I'll be in like the red game.

[B]

How far is the bathroom from the living room?

[H]

I mean, I got a pretty decent sized condo. It's a little, you know, it's a little ways away.

[B]

You need to.

[H]

Also, it ain' the sink though, bro.

[B]

Yeah, fix that lingo though. Like, quit saying I got a decent sized combo. You live in a decent sized combo. That's your mama house.

[H]

Nah, I'm not. I'm at my mama house, but I live on my own, bro. But you just said audio listening.

[B]

No, you just said that. My old lady.

[A]

I think he met his girl.

[H]

That's my. Want my. My girl.

[B]

Oh, your girl don't know you. Oh, you got a girlfriend and you peeing in the scene?

[H]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Where she at? Just give her the phone. Let's break the news. Does she know you're not doing.

[H]

You know what? All right, so she called me one time. She called me one time and that was kind of weird. Not gonna lie. That had put a little weird.

[A]

Yeah, why don't you like how old are you?

[H]

I'll turn 27 this year.

[A]

Grown ass man. You can't hold your. Hold your feet till you get to the bathroom.

[B]

A grown damn man, bro.

[H]

That's if. If you think about it, bro, it's in the. In between games and like that. You know how quick it is to go to break game, bro.

[B]

It do, it do happen quick. I ain't gonna lie. I'm saying though, even without even my four year old son know how to get up and go pee in the bathroom though.

[H]

Well, that's good for that that's good

[B]

for him and it's bad for you. The hey, quick break from today's podcast to thank the sponsor. Factor just let you know Factor makes it easy even with a busy schedule. They have fully prepared meals designed by dietitians and crafted by chefs. Ready in two minutes. No planning and no cooking. Just the other week I tried their Southern chicken. It was delicious. Shout out to y'. All. They had the the blackened salmon with the smoky gouda, cauliflower, grits and broccoli.

[A]

Factor has quality functional ingredients including lean proteins, colorful veggies, whole food ingredients and healthy fats. No refined sugars, no artificial sweeteners, no refined seed oils. Meals that fit your goals and schedule Healthier eating, calorie management, more protein. They have 100 rotating weekly meals to keep things fresh and delicious through the winter.

[B]

Options include High Protein Calorie, smart Mediterranean diet, GOP1 support, ready to Eat Solids and their new Muscle Pro Collection, which supports strength and recovery.

[A]

Always fresh, never frozen. Ready in about two minutes. No prep, no stress. So you can actually stick to your goals. When I need fresh never frozen Meals Factor is my go to head to factor meals.com crash50off and use code crash50OFF to get 50 off and free breakfast for a year.

[B]

Remember, this offer is only valid for New Factor customers with code and qualifying auto renewing subscription purchase. Make Healthier Eating Easy with fact this episode is brought to you by Nordstrom.

[A]

Spring calls for a wardrobe refresh, and

[B]

Nordstrom has the best styles of the season. From dresses and denim to standout tops and accessories.

[A]

Find the trends and essentials that feel right for you. Discover new arrivals from brands you love

[B]

like Waif, Princess, Polly, Mango, Adidas and free people. Plus free shipping and returns and freestyling appointments. Make everything so easy. Shop in [e-mail] or download the Nordstrom app Death.

[H]

I'm gonna say this though. I'm gonna say this though. I'm gonna say this though. Respect. But sometimes you feel me, I probably get how I'm drinking and like that. I'm not gonna go all the way to the bathroom, bro. I'm finna go take a leak in the sink.

[A]

How do you like, do you.

[H]

And then on top of that, yeah, for sure with bleaching. Everything my mama taught me right now.

[A]

Your mama taught you right. But you're peeing in the sink,

[H]

bro.

[B]

But you just asked backwards though, because. Because the one thing I know for sure that you're not doing because you're not cleaning it right after you do it Because. Because if you took that time to clean it, then you could have took that time to go to the bathroom.

[F]

How many times?

[C]

How many times?

[H]

But I'm say this, though. I'm gonna say this. I'm gonna say this.

[B]

What you saying?

[H]

I don't. I. I do. I don't do it, like, in between, but I have a dishwasher, so I don't really put dishes in the sink. Like, that store ain't like. You feel me? This cross contaminated.

[A]

Has there been a time where you. You. You peed in the sink, right? And then you forgot to clean it right away because obviously you went back to play video games.

[H]

No, because I'm. I had, like, the water running, so my girl don't be hearing me peeing in the sink.

[B]

But that was my whole life question earlier. He's lying. Yeah, he's literally lying.

[H]

No, I'm not.

[B]

You're telling me right now at your

[A]

mama's house, nigga, have you ever peed at your mom?

[H]

No, no, no.

[E]

She.

[H]

She got three bathrooms.

[A]

So you only. So you've never peed at anybody else's house in. In the scene?

[H]

No, no, no. That's kind of. That's disrespectful, bro.

[A]

I mean, it's not like even your

[B]

own house somewhere, Man. This is funny. When he moved. When he moved.

[H]

Go ahead.

[B]

Thank you.

[H]

I forgot this. Y' all podcast.

[B]

Yeah, let's see. When he moves somewhere, he gonna be looking at the proximity of the bathroom to the living room. Like, nah, can't move here. It's gonna have me pissing in the sink again.

[A]

When did it start?

[H]

No, for sure, when I had started living on my own. When I just got, like. Yeah, when I just got my own.

[A]

What was like, your. Your mindset when Yanis.

[H]

When Giannis had won the championship that year, when y first. Y. When y' all first started.

[B]

Not. Oh, don't put us in.

[C]

That's crazy.

[A]

All right, man.

[B]

Hey, so real. Put that. Put that on everything that. There's never been. Been anything in the sink while you peed in the sink.

[H]

No, that'll be a lot. I mean, yeah, it might be.

[B]

So you. You pissing around dishes? You like. Oh, as long as you're the type of. That think that if the pee don't touch directly to the dish, you ain't piss on the dish.

[H]

I'm not saying that the sink got too. It got too, like, sinks in there, bro. So once, then the other. I'm pinning the part with the garbage disposal. Hey, wait, wait, Before y' all hiccup. And like this, though, I do want to say sh. I've been locked in with y' all boys. This is my second time being on the part.

[A]

Okay?

[H]

But the. I've been locked in with y' all boys since episode one. For real. Shout out to the nation, man.

[B]

Shout out to.

[A]

Are you coming to the live show in Chicago? Hell, yeah.

[H]

March 26th. Yes, sir. N. See, I can't even say that now. Y' all gonna be calling me pissy in the crime.

[C]

You gotta identify yourself.

[A]

No, we're gonna call you right out. We know this a pissy man.

[C]

Please stand up, go to the kitchen instead of the bathroom and.

[H]

Sorry.

[A]

You come by yourself or you with your girl?

[H]

All right, how to come with my ho.

[A]

You know what you're going do?

[B]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We gotta watch you, bro. We gotta watch.

[C]

Second hands at the.

[B]

No.

[H]

Elbows only in the background. In the background.

[B]

No, we gotta watch. We gotta watch this. We gotta watch this cup because it's gonna be filled with water. And then all of a sudden, they got apple juice. Juices.

[A]

Yeah. Can't even make it to the bathroom at the venues.

[B]

Yeah, the venue bathroom. Especially if you sit in front row. The venue bathroom far away. We watching you.

[A]

You better go all the way. Yo.

[B]

Damn. Where you at, bro?

[I]

No, we're at a movie theater.

[B]

All right, what movie are you saying?

[I]

So it's anime movie. You guys wouldn't know know.

[A]

Okay, what anime movie?

[I]

It's a Kiki's delivery service.

[E]

Eating.

[A]

Oh, man.

[C]

Be a thing, man.

[A]

Oh, what's something we shouldn't judge you for?

[I]

Wait, is this last time? Last time it was the live show. Is this the podcast or the live show?

[B]

Oh, this is the live podcast, yeah.

[G]

Ah, okay. Okay.

[I]

That don't make sense, but okay. I want to come to the live show, but I'm not sure if I should bring my girl.

[A]

Why not?

[B]

Wait, wait, what show you coming to first?

[I]

Toronto.

[B]

Toronto. Okay. Okay. Should know about accent. My fault. Okay, why. Why don't you know that?

[I]

See, so the thing is, I feel like, you know, you sit front row at a comedy show. Look, I'm a. I'm buying VIP front row.

[G]

You.

[A]

You buy that?

[I]

It's not a safe zone, you know, I don't think she'll understand. She might take offense to some of the jokes. You know what I mean?

[A]

What's some of the jokes? What joke would we make?

[H]

I don't know.

[I]

I don't. I don't know.

[G]

What.

[I]

How Your guys live show. But anytime I see a comedy life thing that front row is getting, getting the worst.

[A]

Yeah, it's definitely being interacted with more.

[B]

Okay, if you were. If you had a list of things that your girl would get offended by, what are they?

[I]

I don't. I don't know. I can't predict you guys. That's why I like your podcast.

[B]

Like what? That's what I'm saying. Like what would she be offended by it?

[A]

What is she sensitive or what was some, what was some things you saw on the Internet what you think she would be offended by?

[H]

I don't even know.

[G]

Just, just, just.

[I]

It's comedy. Anything goes.

[G]

She's.

[I]

She's some people, they're trying to. Depending on their career, trying to keep a certain image, you know.

[B]

What does she do for a living?

[I]

She's trying to get into like kind of the public eye event planning and like, like big event planning.

[G]

Like.

[B]

Yeah, okay, you don't know nothing about your girl. Like what's like. Like you don't even know what she would be offended by and you. But why are you worried about it? So what makes her laugh?

[I]

I'm trying not to give up too much of what she does because you know if I come, you guys are going to be looking. You're gonna find me there.

[B]

No, no. Are you that like, we literally leave you alone, bro, I promise you, we. We don't need that much. We got pretty good material without you, bro. We just for the sake of this call, we trying to figure out what your girl will be annoyed at that

[I]

not annoy. I think like she wouldn't get a lot of the jokes. Like I'm black, she's Asian. I think she wouldn't. Maybe Pat, you can agree she wouldn't get. Get a lot of the jokes, you know.

[C]

Hold on.

[B]

He's.

[C]

He's at a.

[B]

Why can I agree?

[I]

We seen your girl.

[B]

Where's your girl from?

[I]

She's born here, but. But she's Chinese.

[B]

But she's. But she's American though. My bad. Canadian. My fault. My bad tuxedo. What? So what wouldn't she get if she

[A]

was born, bro, this dude just don't know.

[B]

They don't know nothing about his girl.

[A]

It's all right, bro.

[C]

Just bring her to the show.

[B]

Another black man with an Asian fetish, man. You don't know nothing about this girl, man. All right, bro?

[C]

More than anime.

[I]

What are you talking about?

[B]

Oh, that's what you there. That's why you watch anime. Caught that whole life of Facade, bro. You said you wouldn't know.

[C]

You don't know what you watching either.

[A]

All right, man. You have a good one, bro.

[B]

No hesitation. What's the word?

[A]

Hello. Welcome to crashing me podcast, man.

[E]

I appreciate it, man. Hey, I really with y'.

[G]

All.

[A]

I appreciate it, man. Where you from?

[B]

Space your words out a little bit.

[E]

I'm from Texas.

[A]

Texas. All right, bro. Start the prompt with don't judge me, but.

[E]

Hey, don't judge me, but I snuck through my girls my ex phone and saw her mom's nudes.

[B]

Okay, bigger question here. Why does your girlfriend.

[E]

My ex.

[F]

Right.

[B]

Why does your ex girlfriend have her mom's news in her phone?

[E]

I don't know. I feel like it was like a little Valentine's, like, trying to show somebody and like that.

[B]

Oh, like maybe she is her mom still married to her dad.

[E]

Stepdad. I think so, though. I'm not sure.

[B]

Okay, wait, why was it.

[A]

Why was it in their phone?

[B]

Because it was like, I don't know, Valentine's Day themed. So maybe she was trying to get her daughter's opinion on it.

[A]

On a nude?

[B]

I'm trying to figure out what kind of new. Was it like, was it like. Was it like she was covering up her boobs and it was like, supposed to be some Valentine's Day gift to her stepdad and she was trying to help her mom figure it out, so it wasn't really a new anu.

[A]

Dude, why were you. Why were you going through your ex phone?

[C]

That's the question. What were you looking for?

[H]

What the.

[E]

I don't trust that.

[B]

Why y' all break up?

[E]

She cheated on me.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

So how you find out she cheated?

[E]

That's tough, right?

[B]

It's tough to tell us what else you find. Yo, well, just tell us, bro. Come on, man.

[E]

I just caught. I called her. Somebody answered.

[I]

Bro,

[B]

I broke my heart. What?

[A]

What'd you say to him?

[E]

I was just throwing that low key.

[B]

He said, what the you talking to

[A]

her for the dude? Like, when you're that dude, when you're the guy that picks when you got that picks up the phone your.

[H]

The.

[A]

The girl that's cheating on your phone, it's like you have so much power. The guy that he. That he called is so much power, he can say anything.

[E]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

What was he telling you?

[E]

Nah, pretty much. I mean, good thing it wasn't like, nothing like sexual wise because hell, man, I would crash out like a.

[A]

But what was he telling you?

[B]

Oh, you think they wasn't having sex?

[E]

No, no, no, no, no, no. I say thank God that it wasn't, though.

[A]

During the call, he just didn't.

[C]

Yeah, he didn't say nothing about sex.

[B]

Oh, they probably just finished.

[C]

He forgot.

[A]

So what, like, when he picked up the phone, what he. What did he say to you?

[E]

You're like, he said my name. I'm like, bro, what the hell? I ain't know his name. And I asked him like, how long they've been talking, and he told me they've been talking for a minute. And I'm like, the.

[A]

Oh, so he was on some player then, like, was kind of.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Let you know his now.

[E]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

So you already knew how you, how you been recovering from that? How long ago was this?

[E]

It was like about October.

[B]

Damn. How you feel right now?

[E]

See, I'm just chilling, but I'm living life right now.

[B]

Oh, damn. He upro.

[A]

It's okay, bro. It's okay to feel the pain.

[C]

His voice used to be different, man.

[B]

Yeah, you can tell I took the

[A]

life off this for real. That's all right, bro. We're here for you, bro.

[B]

Yeah, I just got one question.

[E]

Appreciate it.

[B]

One question.

[E]

Yeah, what's up?

[B]

I got one question for you to, like, like, help with your mental health, you know what I mean? And just make sure you're in the right place. What position do you think they was in when you called they

[E]

a homer?

[B]

No, bro, I'm praying for you, though. I'm not gonna lie.

[A]

How's dating been going?

[E]

I'm just, I'm telling you, I'm just chilling, bro. I'm gonna go to the rodeo soon.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[E]

In Houston.

[B]

Come on now. Trying to, Trying to bag some nice, Nice. A nice woman up. And now you know. Now you know what to look for. What's. Some things that you saw her at the beginning that you end up noticing that kind of like, led to the cheating. Like, damn, I should have picked up on this earlier.

[E]

She started going out with her friends. She started preferring to start hanging out with her friends than me.

[B]

Yeah, probably. She was probably hanging out with him a little bit too, huh?

[E]

Yeah, that's what I was saying, bro. I was like, that's all kind of everything added up.

[B]

So, like, when I'm just trying to get like, where your headspace at? So when she would go out, right?

[E]

I kind of, I, I, I, I, I started trusting her and stuff like that. I wasn't thinking like that.

[B]

So, like, when, when, when she would go out, what time would she get home?

[E]

She was going out of town. So lesson as loud as Hell, the lesson here, fellas.

[C]

Out of towns.

[A]

All right, man. Man, Prayers for you. Thoughts and prayers. You have a good one, bro.

[E]

All right, bro. You too.

[B]

Bless that heart right there.

[G]

Yo, yo, what's up, Putt? Mike Putt.

[B]

Somebody put it. Put a O in my name.

[A]

Where you. Where you from?

[G]

Wow. I'm from Canada. Montreal, Canada.

[A]

Mont.

[C]

Montreal.

[A]

That's kind of far from Toronto, but we're going to be in Toronto.

[B]

How far is that?

[G]

For my knowledge, six hours. Six hours Driving.

[B]

You can make driving?

[G]

Yeah.

[B]

You can make the show, bro.

[C]

That's quick.

[G]

Oh, you're coming to Toronto?

[J]

Really?

[A]

Yeah, yeah. May something. May 30th.

[G]

Say no more. I'm there.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

There you go.

[E]

See?

[B]

Never give up, Mike.

[G]

Oh, by the way, what's up, Gene?

[C]

What it do? It's pronounced Jean.

[A]

Now you, you gonna up the whole algorithm of your day. This one some start to get it right.

[B]

It's like, wait, what?

[A]

J, H O, N. Anyway, start the prom.

[G]

Don't judge me, but I do like to smell and lick my partner's feet. Like, I don't know, man. It started with my ex girlfriend. She was a little dumb. Dumb. You know? You know the word dumb? Dumb.

[A]

Oh, D said dumb. Okay.

[B]

No, no, no, no. Twice.

[A]

No, you got that French. He got that French accent, that's why.

[G]

Yeah, yeah. Damn. Sorry, man.

[A]

Oh, no, no, I'm just saying. Just acknowledging it.

[B]

We're just Americans and we point everything out. That's what we do.

[G]

Well, go ahead, haters.

[B]

Yeah, she was a dominion. And.

[G]

And, yeah, sometimes.

[A]

So your ex was a dom, right? So what are some things that she. Like, you guys did?

[G]

Well, she tied me up and forced me to lick her feet. And since that day, well, I'm a little bit addicted to that. So right now, my partner and I, I like to. To do it, but she doesn't like to like, you know, to clean her feet, to do some pedicure and everything. So I'm kind of mad right now.

[A]

Do you make her tire you? I'm not cheating.

[I]

I'm not cheating.

[G]

I'm not cheating.

[A]

Do you make her tie you up as well?

[G]

Hey, yo, Pause.

[A]

Hey, you said that.

[B]

What the.

[G]

Well, but I know some people may or may not recognize my voice right now, so I'm just gonna say with no proof, man, they already know you

[A]

used to get tied up.

[B]

Like, trust me, like, you literally sound like Count Dracula.

[A]

Nope. 1, 2.

[B]

The explanation that I want is like, I don't understand you being tight. Like, how are you tied and licking feet? Like, it don't. You would think it would be like, her. She's tied up and then you licking her feet so she can't move or something. Why, are you tired?

[I]

No, no, no.

[A]

They just made your kink, like, kinkier.

[G]

She tied me up to the bed. Like my hands were, like, up my head, right? And she put her feet. She was standing up in the bed and she makes me lick her feet.

[B]

Oh, she, like. She doing. She like doing your. Like when you trying to figure out if the pool cold and you dip your toe in?

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Oh, that's crazy. Crazy, bro. That's some kinky ass.

[G]

It was nice. You should.

[A]

You should try. How do you bring that up to your next girl then? Or to your current girl?

[G]

I did try, but she said no. Like, I said, hey, but you said her. We should try some new things.

[B]

You said her feet dirty, though.

[G]

Yeah, yeah, I started some. I start some new things. Like, I do her pedicure. I like, not me, but I pay, you know?

[B]

Well, how's that going for you? Is she, like, leaning more towards what you want now?

[G]

Absolutely not. So that's why I'm currently looking to. How do I make her change her mind?

[B]

Is this something like. Okay, you're not engaged, right?

[G]

Not yet. Yet. Not yet.

[B]

You want to be engaged? Is this something that can, like, if she, like, never comes around, is this something that can affect you getting engaged or married?

[G]

Absolutely. Absolutely.

[A]

Oh, so this is like a make or break for your relationship?

[G]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like my girl to be dumb, like, just a little bit.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

Yeah, but can't you find that out before y' all start dating?

[G]

I didn't ask for those questions, you

[B]

know, how did she get you?

[G]

I do listen to your podcast, and I was like, hi, Do I have ask her, like, do you like to be dumb? You know, it's a weird question, right?

[B]

No, I get it.

[A]

I get it. But still.

[B]

No, I get it. You don't. You don't know how to approach it. But if. If that's. If that's going to be an ultimatum for you, don't you think you could just have a conversation about it and kind of, like, rip the band aid off and figure out if she going to do it or not?

[G]

You're smarter than you look, by the way. Pat.

[B]

No, hey, and you dumber than you sound. No, but for real, you should do that, bro, before you put a ring on it, because all that's going to do is, like, lead you to end up cheating on her. You know what I'm saying because somebody gonna come by.

[G]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not cheating. Black men don't cheat, you know.

[B]

Oh, he black.

[A]

You black.

[B]

Yeah. Can you say in that voice, please?

[A]

Let me confirm. I'll confirm for the listener.

[C]

How you supposed to say it, bro?

[B]

I like the way he said that. Really? Yeah. We got. Wait, no way. This is.

[A]

This bro.

[C]

He sound like. He never said bro.

[A]

He don't look like what he sound like.

[B]

What the.

[A]

No, like.

[B]

No, the look like, literally look like Calvin Ridley.

[A]

What the. Okay. All right, man. You have a go. Toronto show.

[B]

Toronto show. See you there. Brody.

[G]

May 30th.

[A]

May 30th, May 30th.

[B]

Lincoln bio.

[G]

Yes. Thanks.

[A]

All right, bro. Yo.

[G]

Hello.

[F]

Yo, what the. Is good.

[B]

Okay. All right. What up, bro? You come with the energy, huh? Hell, yeah.

[F]

I've been listening to y' all for a minute.

[H]

I.

[F]

With y' all podcast heavy.

[B]

Nah, we appreciate you, bro. We. We'll see if we with you.

[F]

All right.

[A]

All right.

[B]

The question is, what's something you've done that you would be mad if someone did to you?

[F]

So I stole my friend's dog and his clothes, but is a backstory behind it? Because the. He decided that he wanted to start, like, a prank wars, and he put my car on Craigslist, and it was like a story like, oh, I'm trying to go to Canada because gay marriage isn't legal in the US And I need money. But he put my phone number on the post, and at the time, I had the same number as my parents, and. But he left the last number off, and everybody was trying to call and just guessing numbers. So people call my mom and dad, like, yo, I'm trying to buy the car and shit. Fucking piss up. My mom is like, what the fuck you going to. Like, there's a whole thing. So I was like, you know what?

[H]

Fuck it.

[F]

I stole all this nigga's clothes and his dog. I left him one outfit for the whole.

[A]

How long did you keep his dog for a week.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

So did he think his dog got stolen then?

[J]

Well, he.

[F]

At the. Eventually, after he saw his clothes and was all games on this. He did that. He had to go to work with one outfit the whole week.

[A]

So what do you do about his

[F]

dog the whole week? I ended up giving him a dog back.

[I]

No, I'm saying like this.

[A]

He knew you had his dog for a week, so, like, he didn't say, like, give my dog.

[F]

He couldn't find it. I Had it on my grandmother's crib.

[B]

So we was in school.

[F]

My grandmother lived out there. So I put the dog there is my dog.

[B]

So your grandma took care of the dog for a week?

[F]

Yeah, she true was so like, what the. You bringing this random ass dog here? I'm like, yeah, you got cold. You gotta hold it down.

[A]

So he was. He was pressing you about the dog at all?

[B]

Yeah, hell, yeah.

[F]

He had his mom called my mom. It was a whole thing for a whole week.

[H]

I'm like, nah, that.

[F]

You put me on a site talking about I'm trying to go to Canada for gay marriage.

[B]

What kind of dog was.

[F]

Was like a mix. Like one of, you know, like a hood dog type.

[A]

I know what you mean.

[B]

I don't know how, but I know

[A]

exactly what dog that is.

[F]

Fact.

[G]

Fact.

[B]

I feel it. I feel it.

[F]

And then I. At the end of it, I made a gay profile on. What's that? One of those gay sites for M2. I a really make it. It just looked like I made it. And I posted that on IG too, just to get. Just to end it all. And he was like, yo, going too far.

[B]

Oh, y' all still friends?

[F]

Yeah, he was my best man in my. My wedding.

[B]

Oh, that's tough, man. You. Oh, you ain't marry him.

[A]

Get the out of here.

[F]

You always love that I'm on.

[B]

You and your friend keep making each other gay. It's just like, you don't think that it's. Bro is young.

[F]

When you young, you do dumb. At the time, making profiles was.

[A]

I guess. That's a crazy.

[B]

Where are you from?

[F]

I'm from New York.

[H]

New York.

[B]

Okay. You come to the live show when this fork.

[A]

Is that April 21st in New York? Oh, hell, yeah.

[F]

The tickets already. But the tickets already go out.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, been out the Lincoln bio, bro.

[F]

Oh, I bet that. Yo, outside of that, I want him to come, but every time somebody say some weird on this podcast, the next word that they have, yo, is key there. That shit is fucking hilarious. Every time I hear that shit.

[B]

Hey, real. How long you been listening?

[F]

Episode 40, and then I fell off, and then I watched all of the episodes back. So it's like, at the time, he wasn't always on there, and then he wasn't there, and then now you got. You know, the other guy you got on there now. I thought he was white. Yeah, I thought he was white, son.

[B]

I thought he was white, but. All right, bro.

[A]

All right, man.

[D]

All right.

[F]

Appreciate y'.

[G]

All.

[A]

One, one.

[D]

Hi.

[A]

Hi.

[B]

Welcome to Crashing's podcast.

[J]

Happy to be here.

[B]

Go. Happy to have you. First of all, first of all, happy.

[J]

Oh, thank you. Yeah.

[B]

International woman century to you.

[J]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[B]

You can ask her.

[A]

She was a woman before you even said that.

[B]

I could just tell. It's just that.

[J]

Yeah, that's crazy.

[A]

I'm not saying that you sound like a man. I'm just saying, like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[B]

Why are you doing that?

[A]

Oh, my gosh.

[B]

That's so. Wow.

[J]

During international.

[A]

That's not what I meant. That's not.

[B]

Ladies, I told you. That's what he. Do not come to me.

[A]

Look up to me. It's crazy.

[J]

I believe it now. I believe it now.

[B]

There we go. All right, I got a question for you.

[J]

Okay.

[B]

What's something you've done that you would be mad if somebody did to you?

[G]

You.

[J]

I lived with my ex of almost eight years, and I brought somebody over after we broke up, and we still lived in the same house.

[A]

How long were y' all broken up before you invited another man to the house?

[J]

It had to be, like, at least eight months, like maybe six.

[A]

Why are y' all still living together?

[J]

It was like, I. Right before we broke up, I lost my job. It was like a random layoff thing. So I was planning on moving out anyways, but then my money got tied up staying there, so I had to sign, like, another year lease because they couldn't do smaller leases.

[B]

Was it a two bedroom or something?

[J]

No, we had another roommate. It was a three.

[B]

So it was a three bedroom you lived with. So when y' all moved in together, y' all had separate bedrooms already?

[J]

We had three bedrooms. One was like a multi use space that we use for other stuff.

[B]

And then that's the room that you moved to or he moved to when y' all broke up. I moved him, too.

[J]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. And then you invited another dude over while you were still living with the ex.

[J]

Yeah.

[B]

Did you confess to that? Do he know that?

[D]

He.

[J]

He caught us kind of.

[B]

Oh, yeah. He left that detail out.

[A]

How do you catch you guys? Like, he just walked in on y'.

[G]

All.

[J]

You look at the. At the time, like, you know when you break up with somebody and you've been in a very, like, deep relationship that sometimes, like when. Especially if you still live in the same space, the boundaries aren't there. You know what I mean? Unless you define them. And we were both young, so there were no boundaries. And I think he assumed that nobody was there. And he, like, opened my door and

[A]

caught y' all in the act.

[J]

We weren't in the act, but post, I guess.

[B]

Oh, you still. He, he. He was going to grab the towel and. Oh, man. So the next.

[A]

That's so up, right? How can you go to his place?

[B]

He didn't get the wipe up.

[J]

It was just like a time. It was a timing thing.

[B]

Like we had to get it in. No, no, no, for real. So this question I'm gonna ask you, I need you to be very truthful about. Were you still sexually active with the ex?

[J]

No.

[B]

Nothing?

[J]

No.

[B]

So why would he just pop in your room like that? Is that something he always did? Y just popped into each other room sometime?

[J]

We were together for like a really long time.

[B]

So I'm asking, I'm asking you about the breakup though. I don't want no backstory.

[J]

I'm asking you mean like post breakup, would he do that? I guess, but only if he knew that nobody was over there. And for like the first six, six or eight months or whatever, I was like, I'm not gonna bring anybody over here because I was trying to make a point Queen. And he brought a date over there like a month after we stopped dating. So I felt like I was in the right kind of a little bit because I was like, I'm not bringing anybody over here. And then I did and it was worse.

[B]

Oh, it was worse.

[A]

You don't know what he was doing though, but.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[H]

True.

[J]

Very, very true.

[B]

You know, you look. You sound like a heavy sleeper, so. I know he was.

[A]

What the does that mean?

[B]

I'm just saying she sounded like she sleep peacefully, you know what I'm saying? It don't sound like she'd just be there.

[J]

Actually, I am a heavy sleeper.

[B]

I told you he was. He was right next door, his ass off. You good? You are okay? I don't even know why you feel bad about that.

[A]

Yeah, you shouldn't.

[J]

I think it's just I felt now in hindsight, I feel like less bad, but initially I was like, damn right. Especially because like my ex was not like not to on him, but he was like a very large man and like not the most attractive person. I really liked his personality, you know?

[A]

You can't say he's not attractive after you're not with him anymore.

[J]

Yeah, I can.

[F]

It's tough.

[A]

You saw something in him today. Him and y' all dated for eight years, right?

[B]

Personalities for eight years?

[J]

Almost, yeah.

[F]

Almost eight.

[J]

Yeah.

[B]

All personality of eight years. So he was never physically young?

[J]

I mean, I was, but I'm just

[B]

saying that's all we want to hear.

[J]

You caught me.

[B]

Caught you? You were sleeping right on them titties. I know you sucked a couple titties.

[J]

That's crazy.

[B]

I know you be sucking on the titties.

[A]

All right, you have a good one.

[G]

You too.

[B]

Yo, what's the deal?

[A]

What it do? What it do?

[B]

What's happening? How y' all doing? Good, good, good. Where you from? Indiana. Indiana. Oh, did you. You ain't come to the live show, huh? No, I didn't, sadly. Okay, my bad. Chicago. My bad. Go to Chicago.

[A]

Fake ass. Bro,

[B]

this probably not even gonna make the pot. We're gonna do you just like you did us. That's crazy. I got a question for you. We literally about to waste your time. All right, what's something you've done that you would be mad if somebody did to you?

[J]

You.

[B]

I took my cousin's hat off during a dance battle while he had a bad hair day.

[A]

Where are you guys dance battling at?

[B]

We was at this, like, last year during Dreamcon. We was at this rave, and last year.

[A]

How old are you?

[B]

Yeah, 25.

[A]

So it was like a, like, break dancing, crumping type of like.

[C]

Well, what?

[B]

Yep. You know. Yep, yep, yep. Out here getting it.

[A]

You trying to.

[B]

Out here getting.

[A]

Are you good?

[B]

I mean, I'm.

[H]

I'm decent, you know?

[B]

You know, like to, like, the non dancing eye with somebody. Like. Like, if you were to start dancing on the street and you put a hat for tips, would people actually throw dollars in there or would you get arrested?

[H]

I think so.

[B]

I think so.

[A]

So what, is he good, too?

[B]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, he's better. Oh, so there's like a. Oh, that's

[A]

how he took his hat off.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, there you go.

[F]

Yeah, he.

[A]

He's.

[B]

He taught me how to dance, so I.

[G]

We just be going.

[A]

Oh, you got videos on your page of you dancing?

[B]

Yep, Yep. That boy let us boy give him private lessons.

[A]

Wait, I'm looking at a video. Which one are you? The one in the yellow.

[B]

That's the tall one.

[A]

Huh?

[B]

I'm the tall one. The tall one.

[A]

Y' all both look the same height.

[F]

Oh, shoot.

[B]

I'm the. The skinnier one, I guess you could say.

[A]

In a yellow shirt.

[B]

The skinnier one. Yeah, y' all some big ass.

[A]

Is this your cousin?

[B]

Yeah, bro. What the. So wait, so the big. So the bigger dude is better than you? The one in the vest? Yes. Oh, yeah. You should go to his page.

[H]

I'm telling you, he.

[B]

He's cold. Go to his page. Do he mind if we Give him a shout out or. He wouldn't want a shout out. Oh, he.

[H]

He would want one, trust me.

[B]

Shout that out. What's this? Damn confusing ass Instagram.

[G]

Obi Flow.

[B]

Kenobi Ob. Y' all go follow this. This big getting down on Rod Wave. A breakdown.

[A]

He could dance. But what made you, like, dance battle him, though?

[B]

Nobody else was dancing besides us, so we had to, you know, we had to show out for a little bit,

[A]

start going, and so you must have been cooking. He must have been cooking you, huh?

[B]

He was cooking everybody. So when you took his hat off, what was his reaction? He was just like, come on. Like. Like, ah. Why you, like, you know, looking, like, why? Disappointed. Like, why you did that to me Were that.

[A]

Were there women around?

[B]

I mean, there's a few, probably. No, I would.

[A]

Probably.

[B]

I was, you know, two break dancing against each other at a raid. There's not that many women around. I'm just guessing. It was all dudes.

[F]

It was.

[B]

It was about equal. Okay, he said about equal. Now, that's crazy. No, you a hater, bro.

[A]

No, that's some hating that.

[B]

It is. That's what I'm saying. I agree. Wait, wait.

[A]

Did you take.

[B]

Okay, last question. Did you. For me, did you take it off while you were dancing or while he was doing dancing? Well, I was dancing. Oh, okay. Okay. That's not.

[A]

What was the crumping? What was the crowd reaction to that?

[B]

Oh, you know. Oh, so you knew. You knew. You had to go for, like, a big factor and you knew. Did you know. Other question. He was cooking me. Did you know his haircut was up that day?

[I]

No.

[B]

He has, like, longer hair. He just wasn't like, it was enjoyed it or nothing. So it was just. You just had, like, an Afro and it just flopped down his face, and I was like, oh, that's crazy.

[A]

Oh, all right, man. Yeah, you have a good one, bro.

[B]

You want to know what's crazy, though? This crazy. Just think about this. 2016 was 16 years ago. Ain't that crazy?

[A]

2016 was 16. That 10 years ago.

[B]

16 years ago. Exactly. Right. But I'm just saying, like, you see how, like, that had to simmer a little bit?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's time. Don't mean now, bro. It don't bro. Do it?

[A]

No, like, we.

[B]

We, like, it's 2026.

[A]

Yeah. And I remember 2016 vividly. I remember, like. Like 20 years ago. I remember vividly.

[B]

But. But if I asked you what you did in 2024, you'd be like, wait, what? Yeah, 20, 24. You get it confused with 2023, man

[C]

started popping up from my past. I don't even remember type.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[C]

Like, my brother in law sent me a screenshot. It was a reminder that I sent him, like, and it was a reminder to die. And that was yesterday. And like 2026. I probably just sent him some. I was like, I don't know what's going to happen in 2026. I probably won't even be lie.

[B]

No.

[A]

We used to text each other some. Some crazy when we were kids, bro.

[B]

No, no, real. The language was definitely different.

[A]

It was so different.

[B]

If you think I talk crazy now, I'm not gonna lie. Like, some of the I say I went back. The best thing that ever happened to me was the cleanse that I had before the podcast got popping. And that cleanse was only because I was a college football coach and college football coaches. Oh, that's. This is my. I'm Nigeria.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Coach me in the building, baby.

[A]

I haven't even mentioned it yet.

[B]

It made me like you, you know, because we both did the same thing. If you can right now, you can actually type in your name and then type in keywords that you might have said allegedly. And you can go and delete those tweets and stuff like that. And like, I was so happy that I was able to do that. And nobody's able to dox me like in the future because I feel like, like some people don't get that chance. Like, they roll right into fame and stuff like that. Some people don't really deserve a second chance. But it's like kind of like the neon situation, right? And just like not knowing how famous you're gonna get. And then like a video that's gonna live forever. Mr. Beast got a video.

[A]

I feel like I was always aware of the Internet because even when I was trying to go and check things I've said, I was like, I've really never really said. I didn't really like cursing online that much.

[B]

I wasn't too crazy, but I feel like I used to use the word too much because it was like, it was kind of like a thing. Like when I was growing up, where I grew up, you could. Calling a girl a wasn't crazy. You know what I'm saying? Like, especially not as crazy as it is now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And like what it means now.

[A]

So it's like the same thing. But it meant the same thing back then too.

[B]

Not. But not calling the girl a. But like these, like these and like, that. I think we just wasn't crazy.

[A]

I think with the Internet that we. We start to, like, give rules to things. What's acceptable and what's not.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

And I think back then, it was just like you kind of said what you said. Yeah.

[C]

They started to govern it.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Instagram is the only place that's still, like, super old school. Like, Instagram comments.

[A]

Yeah. That Twitter is a little bit too. I think, since, like, this whole, like, red wave thing, like Twitter X and all that, whatever those things, I feel like people are getting more bold with their statements. Like, I think there's more open races now than there was before.

[B]

I'm thirsty.

[A]

In the. In the. In the Internet age.

[B]

I'm thirsty. What about to make you laugh so hard.

[A]

What happened?

[B]

I'm thirsty. You know what I need?

[G]

What?

[B]

I need a Gatorade. I like the way it tastes.

[A]

When I say, like, openly racist, I mean, like. Like, I'm talking about just Internet age, like, from the MeToo movement that was kind of going on to, like, now I feel like more people are like, I can say what I want because obviously Trump is president and stuff like that.

[B]

So we're also. It's weird because some people. People aren't losing their jobs as much anymore.

[A]

Yes, that too.

[B]

Because I think people.

[A]

People are. Are tired of cancel culture.

[B]

Yes, people are tired of cancel culture because it's. It's controlling too many people's lives, which I. I think people are tired of cancel culture because they realize that some people are immune to it.

[A]

It. Yeah.

[B]

And it's unfair. Like, the dude, you know, the dude who races that work at the factory in this town, he lose his job. But, like, Kanye get to make a comeback. You know what I'm saying? So it just, like, I think people are trying to get rid of that. Like, oh, damn, this don't apply to everybody the same way. And I don't like that because I know, like, if I say some don't. It's funny because, like, we talk about getting canceled on a podcast. We really can't get canceled unless we say something that we haven't said did in the past.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, like, I think the casual things that we could possibly say is, like, anything that is derogatory towards women because we built up an audience that, like, you know, puts women first and, like, respects women. So if we go back on that, it's kind of like we lose all those listeners. But the up part about we wouldn't lose everybody. Some of these is rogue.

[A]

But there's an audience for everybody.

[B]

Yes, there's the audience for everybody. But I'm letting y' all know, if I get canceled, I'm going all the way back the other way.

[A]

Oh my God.

[B]

And I gotta keep putting this on record. I gotta keep making. I can't go back to a nine and five. But right now I'm stay myself.

[A]

Oh, we're talking about this the other day how we would never let like one of our guy friends date one of our female friends or we would never put them on to that relationship.

[B]

Got it, Got it.

[A]

Like, we'll never introduce them. Like if he. Like if your friend comes up to you be like, hey. And you have your. Your female friend, he's like, hey, put me on and stuff like that. And it's like, you can't.

[B]

Especially if you know the dude.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Not they're like two like God fearing human beings and they go to church every.

[A]

But even that I probably wouldn't want to because I don't want to be responsible for if this crashes and burns.

[B]

I do.

[A]

No, because I. I wouldn't care if they dated, but I wouldn't want to facilitate it. Like, I don't want to be the one that says, hey, hey. I think y' all should, you know, connect. But I can say to one to them individually and then they can meet up on their own.

[C]

That's real.

[A]

But I don't want to like, forcefully like say like match. All match for real and ship it right away.

[B]

Yeah. I'm not, I'm not into. I would never try to match two good people. You know what I mean? Because I feel like those good people gonna find their way. If it's two people I know that cheat, I'm gonna try to put them together. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's a way better situation. Situation. Like y' all both gonna break each other hard. I ain't gotta worry about no heart getting broke. Like she cheat. He cheat. Put them together.

[A]

It might.

[I]

That.

[A]

That's past former entertainment. He's gonna get. He's gonna get gossip from both sides.

[C]

There's some people that also just like just pretend to be like playing matchmaker all the time.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

It'd be some friends like that. I just want to see all their friends together.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

One thing I don't.

[A]

That ruins friend groups, by the way.

[B]

I ain't got no respect for. I ain't got no respect for a woman that. That put her friends on to dudes without doing like major background checks. Because I've been like.

[A]

Or dude's friends. Like the dude they're talking to his friend.

[B]

Yeah, man, you gotta watch those. If it's a girl that's not really a girl's girl. You gotta watch them, man. They dangerous, man. They don't. Don't be giving a. They'll be pimping out their friends.

[A]

Yeah. Because the only reason they want to put you on with their. The guy they're talking to his friend is so y' all can spend more time together. And it's like a. I'm doing this guy a favor. Yeah.

[B]

I got something in Miami with. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Like girls trip.

[B]

You ain't do the dick facts on this. Everybody. Somebody. Somebody was spitting on Twitter. Somebody said, don't let you already know. Make you mad. Play the game.

[A]

That's true. Well, for me, I feel like.

[B]

Like, I feel like a lot of people like use like that to run from the emotions. I feel like it's good to embrace the emotions of everything nowadays. Like, embrace that. Ask that, like, how did this make me feel? Like, why am I truly angry? And more likely is not because of what's happening right now is because of some type of thing that's happened in the past or something that's been consistent. Instant. Right. So you could be, you know, out with your girl, right. And she go up and hug a dude and it's a two hand hug and it make you mad and you could just try to keep it player. Just like, man, I already know that dude always go in for two hand hugs. Ain't no point in being mad. I' ma move on. It's like, no, embrace that. Go beat that. No, but. No, embrace it. Let the anger, like, let it be within you. Like be angry and then figure out like, why you angry. You know what I'm saying? Oh, it's because when I hug girls with two hands, I want to. No, but. But it's something that. That's a. That's a funny example, but not a really good example. But I feel like just embracing it and finding out where it's from. And sometimes it's not from the exact situation that's going on. And I feel like people run from name options.

[A]

I really want to answer that question. I. I thought about it as showing the emotion outwardly before, because if I already know something, I feel like I want to know more about that thing. So I might not show that emotion right away. I'll feel it, but I won't show it. Just to kind of find out more about that situation. That is making me angry, but in a more controlled way where it doesn't seem emotional.

[B]

Yes. My big thing now, like at my big age, I'm willing to take 24 hours to think about it.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Even some that makes me mad. Like there's. There's been times that like I just want to leave a situation and get up and I'm just like, I'm gonna stay here. And I say about like 70 to 80% of the time. I just like, damn. That wasn't as big of a deal as I made it in my head.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I'm saying? And then the other 20 of the time it's better that you left because you can. Can. You can get the person back in a better way than what you were gonna do.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Instead of getting up and just walking out and ditching a person, you like, damn, I could go out and slash this tires, man. Like this. I could have thought about this.

[A]

You know what I'm saying?

[B]

But again, it's a joking example. The dude got me overthinking it was a dude that caught it. It's not gonna make the podcast because he a ass. But he called in and said I can't be serious and I make everything funny. Like that's my job. This message is just specifically to him. You're a hoe, bro. You are a. And you. And you stutter when you talk. But it was a Joe Biden school of talking.

[A]

But I also think it has to do with how you be more honest with yourself as a guy. Like your own things that you don't excel in. So for example, it's sometimes my girl is very organized. Right. And sometimes she can be like too organized what I see. But I think she's. That if I feel that way or sometimes it might seem annoying in the moment because how nonchalant and carefree I do things. But she's just trying to keep me on track. So it's like I appreciate that. So but you have to kind of like to peel it back because at first it's like bro, why is she like rushing me? But then you like have to sit with yourself and like humble yourself.

[B]

Like.

[A]

Like you know who you are. You know how you act like this is why. So I feel like more dudes like look within why somebody. Cuz it's not every time. It's not true. Cuz sometimes the girl just tripping. Right? Tripping.

[B]

We love women but I know. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. But some is a lot for both people. Like looking be in within yourself that's

[B]

why I like when it's me, you, and your girl and we hang out and we, like. It's usually when we traveling that all three of us together because. Because it's her who gives a. About everything. It's you that gives a about half the. And then it's me. I don't give a at all. We be in the airport, your girl be like, we got to go this way, this way, this way. And then you like, we got to go this way, but we could chill. And then I'm like, yeah, I forgot my passport, dog. That's. That's so true. We not leaving. Trip cancel. Hit up a coffee shop, bro.

[A]

Look at Pat talking with the. The cart, the airport employees, and.

[B]

Oh, man, man. Shout out to the airport, dudes. Y' all ain't stop me from flying yet. Y' all be talking the baggage claim dudes. Y' all ain't got that much pool. Like, y' all think y' all do.

[A]

They gonna toss your.

[B]

Bro. They tossing over here.

[A]

They gonna toss your. And then your luggage.

[B]

Freaky Jean in the chat.

[C]

Hey, free me, man.

[A]

No, G. Not even there, bro. Huh? G. Not there.

[B]

Not where?

[A]

Not right there. It's just his voice

[C]

type.

[A]

How you don't get it?

[B]

Camouflage. No, I didn't get it. No, that's. That was me, bro. You know, I didn't get the John Cena reference for, like, the first six years of it. So, like, every time I saw a tweet, you just be like. So it'd be like, John Cena taking a picture.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

With Tiana Trump. And then they just be like, why is it just Tiana Trump in the picture? I don't get why this picture is going viral. And I'm like, john Cena right there. Stupid. It was this tweeted a week, I guess it was a luxury cognac. Martel Allure Cognac. Yeah. And it's valued at. At $4,950. Right? Somebody said, I bet that's fantastic with a splash of Pepsi Max. And it just goes back because. To me, because I just recently saw, like, a content creator eating a hot dog with caviar and gold flake crust on it. And it's like, expensive. Expensive ass hot dog. And

[A]

they about to say, esp. It sound like you about to say something very, like. Like, unique.

[B]

But it goes back to, like, some of that overpriced stuff. Like, when you think about it, it's just like, why? Yeah, you know, because it's like, okay, obviously that alcohol, you Know, different type of alcohols. They don't give you a hangover, right? You know, you went to Mexico and had some, like, some of the purest tequila. You know what I'm saying? And, like, yes, I get that. But, like, at the end of the day, smearing off. Do the same

[A]

offer. So goaded in college, bro.

[B]

I'm not gonna lie. Somebody just offered me a shot of Smirnoff, and I looked them up and down like, I was like, huh?

[A]

Especially because I have a sweet tooth, so that the. The smear off. Especially. I don't like beer, so it's like drinking a Smirnoff. Oh, my gosh.

[B]

That was Smirnoff Peach.

[H]

Yeah.

[B]

Come on. Tastes like candy at the end of the night.

[A]

No, we used to drink you UV blue in college. Oh, my God. Makes my.

[C]

We said all the flavors.

[B]

Everybody know what we was drinking in the trenches, man. That Hulk. That Incredible Hulk, baby. The Hennessy

[A]

We. I got a bone to pick with Gene and his drink choice. Gin.

[C]

What? I. Oh, nothing wrong with the gin, man.

[B]

Crazy. Every. It's funny.

[A]

Everywhere we go, you get a look for drinking gin.

[B]

Literally, a little look. They be like, what the.

[C]

Yeah, Conversation starter.

[B]

It's a conversation ender.

[C]

You know, there was this. No, never mind.

[A]

I think know that we got the platform getting a lot.

[B]

But that's the thing, though. But if we was, like, major, major, he would have said that we, like, say we, like, in this middle ground where, like, the. Is still there. But I'm telling you, like, once our salaries get in the millions, can be like. Yeah. And my ex, Topanga was a big. She was good. She was a good woman. Damn, I just exposed that. We ain't got shoes on. Cut the tape.

[A]

Doesn't say we got caught.

[B]

You just did it. No, he got on one side.

[A]

They caught us, bro. He said we.

[B]

But going back, I'm thinking about. I wasn't, like, the best person in high school. Like, you don't say. Come on, now.

[A]

Wow. I'm so surprised. You weren't a bad. You weren't a good person.

[B]

This for the ladies. This for the ladies.

[A]

You already say he called y' all in high school, so don't even mean. Don't. Don't let him trick you.

[B]

That's what I'm saying.

[A]

Okay, go ahead.

[B]

But that's just, like, influence, you know what I'm saying? Some of these dudes can make this progression into willing to. I'm willing to off myself for the ladies. None of these willing to do that. Ladies Remember that before I tell you this story, I wasn't the best dude, but in high school, so I used to juggle women a lot. Like I used to like have multiple girls. I was texting and I'm talking about like, like, I don't mean like three or four. I mean like nine, 10, 11. Yeah. At the same time. That's why it works so well, bro. I used to be like in conversations. Like, damn, this a good ass conversation. Copy paste. Let's bring this over to this.

[A]

Not reusing talking points.

[B]

Sometimes it was, and it was, it was, was a girl who like I was friends with, but I knew she liked me, but I didn't like her. We used to have the best conversations.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

And I would take our conversations and move it to a girl that I actually like.

[C]

Because you just practicing in there.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

That is just getting your shots up.

[B]

Like a girl, like the girl would ask me like if, if we was on the airplane together and airplane was going down, who would you call? And then we have like this funny ass conversation and I'd be like, copy paste. I'd be like, hey girl. If we was on hey girl, you know what I mean? And I realized like that's because I always go back to like when was my soul most disturbed and there's. And, and that's when my soul was like trying to juggle multiple women. So like when people call into our show and be like, oh, I got this girl. Like some people have like situations where you know, they in a relationship, they got a side piece. Like, I'm not saying that's normal, but that's more normal lies.

[A]

It's not like, like crazy to think about.

[B]

But some people call in and be like, yeah, I got, I got six girls you talking to. And they'd be like, grown ass man. I'm like, how? And it just be like if you're at that time, like I was like 16 when I was doing that. That was probably also like when I was underperforming in sports and underperforming in school.

[A]

So like I say underperforming in the bedroom.

[B]

In the bedroom. No, I wouldn't. You know what I'm saying? That I was, I barely knew how to put that condom on. For real. I was a king of putting that on the wrong way. God damn. You know, you listen to the instruction. It's supposed to be a little slack in this. Like, God damn. No, I was, I remember when I was younger when I first got the. I had a condom and it was A fire and ice condom. But I forgot to tell the girl. She said she was like, you burning me. What the. I was like, what? Wait, what? She was like, what is that? I was like, my bad. I got the fired ice pack.

[A]

That feel like menthol.

[B]

I used to try last I knew. I always wanted to be, like, a pleaser as a man and like, the relationship, like, I. I take pride in that. Like, just not to be like, too into my life. But, like, when it comes to, like, being sexual towards the woman I'm dating, I try to, like, be the best. And it started at like, a young age. Like, when I was in college, I used to try to get like, those ridge condoms. The have like, the little. Yeah, she gonna feel die,

[H]

like.

[B]

Yeah, I had to try like, all that. I tried the. The KY jelly before and like, that.

[A]

I've never used the jelly. No, I've definitely bought the rib one before.

[B]

Y' all got to stop using that, man. That. That man. Oh, that's how I wanted to say I had this. This is my other vulnerable moment, the scariest moment I ever had in my life. Cuz you never had Covid, right?

[A]

Not officially.

[B]

Not officially. You definitely had it, but probably not officially.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You weren't testing every day.

[A]

No, you weren't. You were testing weight, you were testing. I was testing every day, though, yo. Yeah, because he was a college football coach, everybody.

[B]

I'm Nigerian.

[C]

Unofficially, I was down bad.

[B]

What were some of your symptoms you had?

[C]

I had a fever and so I was like, hot and cold all the time and no appetite.

[A]

And you were being a rogue about getting your freaking Covid card.

[B]

Card?

[C]

Yeah. No, this was before that, though.

[A]

This was before the vaccine card.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

What did he need it for when

[A]

we were in la?

[C]

Oh, he had to get into some spots and.

[B]

Oh, I was using. No, I had it on my phone. I don't think you should admit that.

[A]

I can't prove that it was what it was, hypothetically. Allegedly.

[B]

I want to say my covet symptoms were I lost my sense of smell, which wasn't like, crazy bad. Like, yes, I did miss, like, obviously if you lose your sense of smell, you lose your taste. Also. I think. I don't think some people realize that I didn't go through it, but I'm finally at a place where I can admit this. I had Covid and I lost my. The ability to taste and smell for a month. I also could not get erect for a whole month. And it was the scariest shit ever went through. And I was dying laughing in the shower last night because it's back. I was dying laughing in the shower last night because I realized that, like, it was something I did because I was having, like, a mini mental breakdown because it hit, like, day 21, and I still, like, I'm a guy. Like, I wake up hard. You know what I'm saying? Like, I know it's there, but I had hit day 21, and I still haven't been hard yet. So I remember sitting on, like, the toilet seat and I like, I. At that point, I hadn't watched porn in, like, a year, bro. I think I was, like, whacking off for like, an hour straight. All right,

[A]

all right, y'.

[D]

All.

[A]

That's been the podcast. Please come to the live Show, Crash Dummies Live.com Crash D Merch.com But I

[B]

say that to say I understand what you little.

[A]

I appreciate y'.

[B]

All.

[A]

Peace.

[B]

I had no confidence. Nothing.

[A]

Monster Energy. Everybody knows White Monster Zero Ultra, that's

[B]

the OG it kicked off this whole

[A]

zero sugar energy drink thing. But Ultra is a whole lineup now. You've got Strawberry Dreams, Blue Hawaiian Sunrise, and Vice Guava. And they all bring the Monster Energy punch. So if you've been living in the White can branch out.

[B]

Ultra's got a flavor for every vibe,

[A]

and every single one is Zero Sugar. Tap the banner to learn more.

[B]

There's a world where legends race across city skylines. Romance blossoms in glittering ballrooms. And there's magic around every corner. It's a world known to many as Great Britain. You've seen the action on screen. Now visit the real star of the show. Visit Great Britain. To discover more, go to tripadvisor.com Great Britain.