Crash Dummies Podcast: "Don’t Judge Me But…" – Episode 250 (March 18, 2026)

Hosts: Patrick Johnson & Michael Esiobu
Theme: Humorously diving into current events, wild scenarios, and audience confessions of taboo behaviors or opinions.

Episode Overview

In their milestone 250th episode, Pat and Mike bounce through an energetic, candid, and hilariously insightful discussion centered on the prompt "Don't judge me, but…". Featuring audience call-ins, personal stories, and spontaneous riffs, the episode highlights their signature blend of relatable comedy and real talk about friendship, awkward situations, relationship pet peeves, personal flaws, and much more. As always, they engage with their "Crash Nation" community in completely unfiltered fashion.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Announcements & Live Tour Schedule

• Housekeeping banter: Mike jokes about wanting to use a "cooler word" than "housekeeping."
• Live Shows:
  • Upcoming: Chicago (March 26), Toronto (first international!), Detroit, Raleigh ("y’all inside us," Mike jokes), and more.
  • Canceled: Birmingham due to low ticket sales.
  • Merch restock (Women's shirts).
  • [03:32-05:14]
  • Quote:
    • Pat: "Some people who listen to our podcast literally can't leave the country... some can't even leave their cell right now, so we should be grateful." [03:53]

2. Friendship Dilemmas: "How long before you can ask a friend to help you move?"

• Main take: No set time—more about reciprocity vs. time known.
• "Emergency situations" (e.g., breakup move) might fast-track the ask.
• Pat: "You just canceled our friendship, bro. You just lost a friend. Good job, you idiot. I had your back." [06:32]
• [05:37-08:21]

3. Viral Video Skepticism & AI

• Discuss misleading viral content (plane emergency video, Facebook posts) that turned out to be AI-generated.
• Growing difficulty distinguishing reality online.
• Pat: "Usually you can tell... the AI people don’t know how to act. They always end weird..." [10:47]
• [08:22-11:35]

4. Performing in Front of Exes and Petty Performances

• How do you act if your ex (or former friend) comes to your event?
  • Most say it would fuel them to "show out" or shift their entire performance to address the ex.
• Hilarious anecdote from guest Gene about circling the crowd and singing to the "wrong girl" in front of his ex.
• [11:35-13:51]

5. Pet Peeves: The "Self-Declared Personality" Problem

• Disdain for people giving themselves flattering traits ("I'm just humble") before proving it.
• Discussion about honesty versus self-awareness, "setting the tone" for others' expectations.
• Pat: "People don't even know what 'humble' means..." [15:41]
• [15:10-16:32]

6. Selective Attention and Podcast Callers

• Hosts admit to zoning out when callers are monotone or overly detailed.
• Jokes about "blinking hard" to stay engaged while listening.
• [16:32-17:59]

7. "Sneaky Rule-Breaking" & Parking Garage Antics

• Mike confesses to parking his (non-electric) BMW in an EV-only spot, then complains when someone less discreet joins him.
• Highlights: resentment for others breaking the rules in a more obvious way and thus "making it hot."
• [20:26-21:34]

8. "What's Stopping Humanity from Living Peacefully?"

• Surprisingly sincere exchange.
• Main takeaway: Lack of understanding for others’ backgrounds, social/economic divides.
• Pat: "It was way easier for me to get a gun and some drugs than to find a book..." [22:35]
• Spirals into a lighthearted bit on who would make a good/bad drug dealer and trust/flashiness as risks.
• [21:34-24:52]

Audience "Don’t Judge Me But..." Call-Ins (Selected Highlights)

A. "If your dick is little, you need a strap-on"

• [25:04-30:36]
• A caller shares a story about expectations regarding men's bodies and, humorously but pointedly, advocates for "tools in the tuck" if you're not "well equipped."
• Several jokes and light roasting about real-life proportions, embarrassment, and double standards.
• Caller: "You just big as hell in all the wrong places…" [25:30],
  Pat: "He might not have felt like he had a micro penis though." [28:49]

B. Peeing in the Kitchen Sink

• [34:18-42:23]
• A man admits he sometimes pees in his kitchen sink to avoid pausing his video games—his girlfriend doesn’t know.
• Intense debate and roasting ensue ("grown ass man," "pissy man"), but Pat concedes to the desperation of in-game moments.
• Pat: "Even my 4-year-old son knows how to get up and go pee in the bathroom." [36:55]

C. Sneaking Through an Ex’s Phone—And Finding Her Mom's Nudes

• [46:21-50:44]
• Texas caller admits to finding his ex’s mom’s nudes while snooping, which raises more questions than answers.
• The story reveals she cheated on him; the dogpile is gentle but playful.
• Mike: "Why does your ex-girlfriend have her mom's nudes in her phone?" [46:55]

D. Stole Friend’s Dog and Entire Wardrobe in Revenge Prank

• [57:53-61:52]
• New York listener recounts an escalating prank war—after his car was posted for sale online, he struck back by "kidnapping" his friend’s dog and stealing clothes.
• All ends well (they're still best friends and the friend was his best man).
• Caller: "He had to go to work with one outfit the whole week." [59:18]

E. Foot Fetish Triggered by Being Dominated

• [52:25-54:07, 54:31-56:08]
• Montreal caller reveals a foot kink started by a dominant ex—a struggle to get current girlfriend to participate.
• Hilariously awkward discussion about how to ask partners for "dumb" (dominant) behavior.
• Caller: "She tied me up and forced me to lick her feet. And since that day, I’m a little addicted to that." [53:15]

F. Bringing Home a New Date While Living with Ex

• [62:25-67:50]
• Woman explains inviting someone over after a breakup while still cohabiting with her ex ("post-breakup, but still roommates").
• Mike: "Why would he just pop in your room like that?" [65:53]
• Relationship boundaries post-breakup are debated.

G. Exposed Cousin’s Bad Hair During a Dance Battle

• [68:31-72:16]
• Listener took off his cousin’s hat mid-dance battle in front of a crowd, exposing a bad hair day.
• Breakdown of dancing skill hierarchies and the fine line of family betrayal.

Social & Internet Culture: Reflections and Hot Takes

Time's Fluidity and Digital Footprints

• "2016 was 16 years ago!" Pat jokes about time distortion [72:22-73:11].
• Importance of searching and deleting problematic old tweets to prevent "doxxing" later.
• [73:11-75:19]

Cancel Culture & Audience Responsibility

• Shift away from cancel culture as people get tired of inconsistent enforcement.
• Audience is warned: If they ever get canceled, Pat's "going all the way back the other way. I can't go back to a nine and five."
• [76:42-77:53]

Never Playing Matchmaker

• Both hosts refuse to introduce their good friends to one another romantically—don’t want the guilt if it fails.
• Mike: "I wouldn’t care if they dated, but I wouldn’t want to facilitate it..." [78:30]

Vulnerable Real Talk: Personal Growth and Self-Check

• Emphasis on processing emotions, especially anger, before reacting.
• Take 24 hours, reflect—is it really that big a deal, or an old wound?
• [80:28-82:43]

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On helping friends move:

  • Mike: "That can't be one of the first good deeds. Oh bro, yeah, we've been friends for six months. Can you help me move? ... You just canceled our friendship, bro." [06:22-06:32]

• On old viral content and AI:

  • Pat: "Call me Uncle Fester on Facebook. ... I think everything is skeptical on Facebook." [09:36-10:03]

• On being honest about ADHD:

  • Pat: "If I go on my phone, it ain’t because you boring, bro. It’s because LeBron got a conversation with Tim Hardaway Jr. and I don’t want to scroll past this right now..." [16:13]

• On race, privilege, and empathy:

  • Pat: "It was way easier for me to get a gun and some drugs than to find [a] book..." [22:35]
  • Mike: "Especially when you’re doing deals ... you’re psychoanalyzing this person’s every move..." [23:54]

• On embracing your own flaws:

  • Mike: "If my girl is too organized, I gotta humble myself and realize she is just trying to keep me on track." [83:55]

• On high school dating "skills":

  • Pat: "When was my soul most disturbed? ... Juggling multiple women at 16, my soul was disturbed." [90:11-91:35]

• On COVID and unexpected side effects:

  • Pat: "I lost my sense of smell ... and I could not get erect for a whole month. ... I had a mini mental breakdown because it hit like day 21..." [94:14-95:33]

Closing Reflection

This 250th episode is classic Crash Dummies: a lively mix of personal stories, hilarious confessions, real social commentary, and audience interaction. Whether they're debating the ethics of peeing in a sink or passionately discussing racial empathy, Pat & Mike's chemistry and honesty keep it both engaging and relatable for new and longtime listeners alike.

Timestamps of Key Segments

• 03:32 – Tour & Merch Announcements
• 05:37 – Asking Friends for Moving Help
• 08:22 – AI Viral Videos & Skepticism
• 11:35 – Performing in Front of Exes
• 15:10 – Self-Declared Personality Pet Peeves
• 16:32 – Selective Attention During Callers
• 21:34 – "Sneaky" Rule-Breaking
• 22:35 – Racial Empathy & Opportunity
• 25:04 – "Don’t Judge Me But…" Call-Ins Begin
  • 25:04 – Micro Penis Dilemma
  • 34:18 – Peeing in the Sink
  • 46:21 – Ex’s Mom's Nudes
  • 57:53 – Revenge by Dog/Kidnapping Clothes
  • 62:25 – "Roommate Ex" Awkward Date
  • 68:31 – Dance Battle Hat Reveal
• 72:22 – Time Distortion/Old Tweets
• 76:42 – Cancel Culture
• 78:30 – Playing Matchmaker
• 80:28 – Owning Your Emotions
• 90:11 – High School "Copy-Paste" Dating
• 94:14 – COVID, Loss of "Power"
• 95:33 – Outro

For more audience confessions or to catch a live show, visit crashdummieslive.com