Double Life - Episode 214

Summary

Crash Dummies Podcast – Episode 214: "Double Life"

Release Date: July 9, 2025
Hosts: Patrick Johnson & Michael Esiobu
Guests/Others Featured: Gene, D Hutch, Paige, various callers

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Episode Overview

In episode 214, "Double Life," Pat and Mike—joined by recurring guests and live callers—deliver their trademark blend of wild hypotheticals and real-life confessions. The episode moves through hilarious banter on bedroom kinks, generational differences, and nostalgic stories, before shifting to raw, jaw-dropping call-ins (including a dramatic relationship confession involving infidelity, double lives, and organ donation). The crew wraps up with listener questions, hot takes, and tongue-in-cheek discussions on everything from social etiquette to the challenges of telling uncomfortable truths.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Warmup Banter: Kinks, Kidnapping & Trust Exercises

[00:00–02:00]

• Patrick and Mike open with a conversation about ball gags, bondage, and trust in intimate relationships.
• Lighthearted admissions: Mike jokes about being gagged “for testing purposes” to build trust with a partner, leading to laughter all around.
• Memorable Quote:
  Mike: "You've been gagged in the bedroom for, like, testing purposes. Like, it was like a trust exercise." [01:02]

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2. Generational Basketball & Getting Old

[02:41–04:30]

• Nostalgia hits as the hosts discuss recognizing the sons of athletes they grew up watching (“If Chris Paul Jr walks in, I’m leaving.”)
• Aversion to becoming “the old head” around the next generation.

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3. On Overdraft Fees and Escaping Debt

[05:01–06:30]

• Gene reminisces about disputing bank fees and leaving a bank with a $500 overdraft he never paid off.
• Patrick jokes that “Credit union gotta get it in blood, bro.”

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4. Fireworks Mishaps & Lessons from Dangerous Childhoods

[06:50–10:00]

• Patrick recounts a family firework accident—dad gets hit in calf, everyone freaks out.
• The crew recalls dumb childhood stunts: playing with fire, touching irons, sparklers as "superpowers," and learning lessons the hard way.
• Takeaway: As kids, you felt invincible, but as adults, consequences get real fast.

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5. School Fights: Then vs. Now

[10:48–12:00]

• The group contrasts their experience of schoolyard fights (usually ending in suspension) with the increase in violence and repercussions today.

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6. Fireworks to Drone Shows: Changing Traditions

[12:01–13:23]

• Milwaukee's shift from fireworks to drone shows stirs debate:
  • Some lament the loss of "true American" tradition; others welcome the peace for pets and veterans.
  • Gene jokes: "Your dads and grandpas can actually have a good night of sleep… your dog’s not crying, car alarms not going off." [12:41]
  • Historical aside: Fireworks are Chinese, not American—cue tongue-in-cheek nationalism.

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7. “Trust the Process” & People’s Journeys

[13:57–15:46]

• The crew pokes at people publicly posting about their “processes” (jobs, weight loss, etc.) without visible progress.
• Patrick: "The people that you know, have no ambition think they got all the answers. They just waiting on the right time." [15:13]

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8. Viral Tweets: Archaeological Interpretations

[15:57–18:28]

• Pompeii “maidens” are re-examined; the hosts riff on how awkward it would be for archaeologists to label two friends as lovers based on their final pose.
• "Remember to sit apart from your friends in case you die in a volcanic eruption, or the archaeologists will call you gay centuries later.” [16:18]

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9. Pranks & Petty Crimes

[18:04–19:43]

• Discussion of the "most evil idea": unplugging someone’s fridge at a party.
• Patrick: “That’s the one you catch two days later when it starts stinking.” [18:29]

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10. COVID-Era Generations & Social Skills

[19:19–22:32]

• Conversation with younger guests and callers about how COVID changed school, graduation, and social development.
• Interesting comparison to homeschool kids and the loss of traditional formative experiences.

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11. Callers’ Confessions and Scenarios

a. “Double Life” – The Affair Confession

[26:02–37:42]

• Highlight Segment:
  • A female caller reveals she’s having multiple affairs while still married and juggling a complicated household—partially for financial/medical reasons, partially for emotional/physical needs.
  • She’s been pulling this off for seven months, inspired by her spouse’s decade-long infidelity.
  • “He dogged me out for, like, a decade… I know I should feel bad, but I don’t.” [28:11]
  • The other man is “perfect,” but she ultimately wants to be alone.
  • Layers of secrecy: juggling jobs, covering with fake work trips, and even a possible organ transplant.
  • “I'm not trying to make nothing right. I'm thinking about finances for the future... My life, how that's gonna look. But emotionally, no, I'm checked the f*** out.” [36:45]
• Pat’s pragmatic advice:
  “If you get a divorce without getting caught, then you can get more stuff for you and your kids.” [32:27]

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b. Listener Questions – Unfiltered Opinions

[39:00–55:03]

• Why do white people make the "no lips" face when uncomfortable?
• Who was the “first person to nut”?—spiraling into comedic speculation about early humanity and animal behavior.
• Debates on homeless women: a (very problematic) opinion about morals and survival.
• Worst backhanded compliment ever received: A caller details being stereotyped and maligned by her ex’s family, only to win them over in person.

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12. Vulnerable Talks: Body Image, Health, & Identity

[56:12–62:17]

• A young caller, “short and fat” by his own admission (5’2”, 324 lbs at 21), calls in with jocular self-awareness about his appearance and why he doesn’t plan to change.
• Pat and Gene urge him to start getting healthy, both for himself and for his supportive girlfriend (“Y’all walk around, look like a number 10”).
• Light but real conversation about motivation, self-image, and relationship health.

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13. Hypotheticals & Hot Takes

a. If No One Could Lie, What Industry Would Collapse?

[63:10–64:49]

• Suggestions: medical research, court/legal system, media.
• Gene: “I feel like they have the cure to a lot of sh*t and just don’t say it…it’s billions in those blank research programs.”
• General agreement that the truth would destabilize many pillars of society.

b. Social Dynamics & Relationships

• Etiquette on liking “spicy” social media pics, what compliments for a partner mean, and how to recognize promising (or doomed) relationships ([65:15–69:31]).
• When is it okay to cross the line from friendship to romance—and why it so rarely works in real life ([84:18–87:49])?
  • Patrick: “God wanted that couple to get together. God doesn’t want you two together or he would have by now.”

c. Odd News

• Florida man robs Waffle House with finger guns (“show me the gun” jokes).
• Sydney Sweeney’s “bath water” soap collab raises eyebrows; men buying and “modifying” the soap get roasted for their weirdness.

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14. Childhood Embarrassments & Growing Up Weird

• Experimenting with kissing a mirror, screaming into pillows, hiding behavior from parents, and learning to navigate the world while being awkward.
• Open or closed-eye kissing? (“You an open-eye kisser?!”)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Generational Aging:
  "If Chris Paul Jr walks in, I’m leaving. What am I doing in the same spot as Chris Paul Jr? Your dad was the greatest point guard." – Patrick [03:14]
• On “Trust the Process” Posts:
  “They start to get new jobs and new bars…They’re not talking to us, because we know the process. We’ve been the same way since college.” – Patrick [14:22]
• On Fighting as Kids:
  “If you got in a fight in high school, you just got a five-day suspension and were back. Not thirty days in jail with a dude named Earl.” – Patrick [11:13]
• Pompeii Lovers:
  "Remember to sit apart from your friends in case you die in a volcano or the archaeologists will call you gay centuries later.” – Patrick [16:18]
• Affair Caller:
  "He dogged me out for, like, a decade… I just don’t feel bad.” – G [28:11]
• On Overly Nice Service Workers:
  “Sometimes I catch some [Chik-fil-A workers] with attitude though. I like those. You show me you’re a real person.” – Gene [74:02]
• On Approaching Relationships:
  “You have to love yourself to know that you’re not attracted to anyone that doesn’t want you.” – Patrick [83:27]
• On Transitioning Friendships:
  “Once somebody expresses they were attracted to you, it’s over. You can never go back.” – Patrick [85:48]

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Timestamps for Notable Segments

• Opening Banter on Ball Gags & Bondage: 00:00–02:00
• Affair/Double Life Caller: 26:02–37:42
• Listener on Backhanded Compliments/Familial Stereotypes: 52:01–56:05
• “Short and Fat” Health Call-In: 56:12–62:17
• What Industry Collapses Without Lying: 63:10–64:49
• Childhood Silliness & Growing Up: 92:52–95:19

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Tone & Style

The Crash Dummies remain unfiltered, blending crass humor, genuine empathy, and candid storytelling. The hosts poke fun at themselves and their listeners but never lose sight of the real-life impact of the stories their callers share. The episode flows with a natural blend of roasting, deep reflection, and hilarious asides, true to the spirit of barbershop debate among old friends and strangers alike.

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Summary

Episode 214 delivers everything fans love: bold hypotheticals, hilarious memories, honest vulnerability, and the kind of raw, confessional moments only a call-in podcast can provide. If you’ve ever wondered how to juggle a double life, why drone shows are better for your grandpa, or what never to do at the urinal after third grade—this episode’s for you.

Transcript

[Patrick]

So what is it called when. Not the gimp mask, but somebody has, like, the black ball in their mouth. Like a strap to their mouth. So it.

[Mike]

Like. It's called a gag again.

[Gene]

Okay.

[Patrick]

Oh, yeah, that makes sense.

[D Hutch]

Okay.

[Gene]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[Mike]

Kidnapped. It's still called.

[Gene]

Again, What? You said what?

[Mike]

No, no. Same thing as, like, when you're getting kidnapped.

[Gene]

They do gag people when they.

[Patrick]

Okay, okay, you. You can stick a bandana in my mouth. You put a gag in my mouth, you might as well kill.

[Gene]

That is gagging. That's the act. That's the act of gagging, though.

[Mike]

You get kidnapped.

[D Hutch]

The gag.

[Patrick]

No, it's about the black ball gag.

[Gene]

The white. The red ball.

[Patrick]

No, bro, it's not going down like that. But any. You ever use that before?

[Gene]

Have I used it before? Come on. What kind of question is that? No, how would I know that? How would you know?

[Patrick]

Why would I know that?

[Gene]

Is that something that people commonly use?

[E]

I'm.

[Patrick]

That's what I'm trying to figure out right now.

[Mike]

I feel like it's like a simple. Like, you know, it's not crazy bedroom spicy. That get it spicy?

[Gene]

You know, you weren't a gag in the bedroom.

[Mike]

What?

[Gene]

You've worn a gag.

[Mike]

You've been gagged in the bedroom for, like, testing purposes. Like, it was like a trust exercise. Like, you know, I wouldn't. Like, if I'm gonna use it on her. Like, I gotta, you know, have to build her trust. The trust.

[Patrick]

So what if she. Talk about penetrating a little different? Oh, that's too far. Okay, okay, My fault. But no. Oh, it was like a trusting. So how does that work? Like. Oh, you think anything in bondage. You're saying that's kind of like being.

[Gene]

Wait, did you do this, like, the.

[Mike]

It's like a foreplay kind of thing. You know what I'm saying? You gotta warm it up with, like, you know.

[Gene]

Did you test this in her presence or.

[Mike]

Of course. Yeah.

[D Hutch]

I don't.

[Gene]

You said testing. I didn't know if you're like. Like, when you bought it or something and you had to, like, test it or something.

[Patrick]

No, he in the mirror at home talking about who can't talk. I could talk. Ross still can talk with this about B. This ain't nothing.

[Gene]

Oh, man. Welcome to Crash Dummies, episode 214. Make sure you guys subscribe to the Patreon. We just dropped a dope episode with our friend A.J. yeah, comedian. That's. I think that was like one of our. I think one of our funnier episodes.

[Patrick]

Yeah, it was super funny. The flow is good. Obviously, we know AJ from opening Noel up.

[Gene]

Opening up for Noel.

[Patrick]

Oh, okay.

[Gene]

The receiver, not the giver.

[Patrick]

It's not my business to explain. I feel like you should go ask them who opened up.

[Gene]

Yeah, but make sure you guys subscribe to Patreon for that. We got Gene here. We got Paige here.

[Patrick]

You're. You're. What is that? Was that Blake Griffin? Did you watch Blake Griffin play?

[F]

No.

[Patrick]

Oh, typical of your generation.

[Gene]

I saw you post something. There's like, damn, my UNC. Now Jamir Nelson.

[Patrick]

Nelson Jr. Bro, that is crazy, bro.

[Gene]

I think this is the first time it's, like, seeing actual, like, people play. Like, aau, like eighth grade. Yeah, because I was just looking at Lamello. I was like, damn, I seen Lamello hooping. That's like the first basketball player I think I've seen hooping since they were a kid.

[Patrick]

I'm not gonna lie. If I ever see one of these kids that are named a junior and I watch their dad growing up. Yeah, I'm walking out of the room. Yeah, I'm chilling, and I'm having a good time at the Soho. And in four years, Chris Paul Jr walks in. I'm leaving. What the am I doing in the same spot as Chris Paul Jr. Your dad was the greatest play guard. I don't want to be that old head. Yeah, just be around, like, 18 year old.

[Gene]

Like, man, I used to see your

[Patrick]

dad, your pops, man, tell you he could pass that rock. Like, what the. Your pops had to listen, listen, before you leave, your pops had to pick and roll. See, you can ask your daddy this now. Your pops, like, he would always look off the pick and roll and hit him with that bounce pad. I know he taught you that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me get autograph for.

[Gene]

I always picture the same thing, funny enough, with your son. And he's gonna get to the age where we actually have to talk about, like, our college days. I'm gonna be telling him, I used to box and shit.

[Patrick]

Like.

[Gene]

Like, why you find all these fat dudes?

[Patrick]

That's what I'm saying. Like, I don't. I don't actually feed into the memories. Like, when people. Like, we have a lot of teammates that like to talk about our college football days, you know, rightfully so. That was your memory. But I kind of keep that, like, at bay. And I'm not gonna do that with, like, my nieces, nephews, or my son, because, like, at the end of the day, that shit don't matter.

[Gene]

I don't care are actually interested.

[Patrick]

Yeah. They actually own that road. Like path. Like want to know what you did. But I'm like living for the memories. Like, your kid gonna care. Like they don't care what car you had in 2000s. Pontiac Grandam for 20 years straight. Think of switching it up.

[Gene]

But I don't see those Pontiacs no more. I don't see the Pontiacs, man.

[Mike]

They expire.

[Patrick]

I saw a red one. It's a red one around here somewhere.

[Mike]

There's always a red one.

[Patrick]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

It's like a little herd.

[Patrick]

Yeah, dude. Like the back look rusty as hell.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

He one accident away from his car, just evapor rear ended. And the cops get there. He's got the steering wheel in his hand.

[Mike]

Like.

[Gene]

Yeah. Oh, I was. I saw a meme on the Internet and then.

[Patrick]

Don't, don't say meme unless you're ready to enter the tweet a week face.

[Gene]

No, no. But I saw a meme. But that reminded me it was about like overdraft fees. And I was like, I was thinking about like, gone are the days of like having to call your bank to dispute overdraft fee or to help to like get them to remove it. Because those 35. I remember one time I think I had like, it had to be like 6. So it was above 200.

[Patrick]

Yeah.

[Gene]

And I had to actually tell like a sob story, like say that I was broke and I need this money for this and that.

[Patrick]

Take it all, man.

[Gene]

That's what you tell them.

[Patrick]

That's between you and collections, my brother. Hey, y' all get hash it out, man. Nah, to the next bank, man. We'll let 28 year old Pat deal with it. Yeah, I love what I put so many bills on my like 27 year old self that got that. Let's finish up school here. He'll be all right, man, all these dreams.

[Gene]

I think I left the bank before because of. I think I had like $500 in like overdraft or negative balance. So I left the bank and I was just like, I never have gone back to that bank again.

[Patrick]

Credit union got to get in blood, bro. But it's in the whole union at me, you know, getting back. I was the fourth of July.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

I haven't really celebrated the fourth of July. My family, if you've been to Pontiac, Michigan, my family used to have like one of the biggest celebrations like on the east side. My uncle Joe used to have all these fireworks. Whole neighborhood will watch it. I would see all my uncles and my cousins Go light the firework. We wasn't allowed to light the fireworks, but I remember one year my dad lit a big firework and it tipped over and hit him in his calf muscle. And I remember like thinking like, you kind of like if someone was shooting a Roman candle at you or like if people having a Roman candle fight, when you watch it on the Internet, it seems like harmless. But like when you actually around that

[Gene]

shit in the trenches.

[Patrick]

Yeah, you like, bro, this shit kind of hurt. So I recently saw for extra. He. He blew off his hand.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

And a lot of people don't know is like these things are handmade, so you don't know, like when you light it, it could literally look like it's not lit, but it's still going to the thing. So you're sitting there trying to relight it and it can explode in your hand because it already started. And this I see so many people blowing their hands off and blowing they now I'd rather blow my hand off than my meat off though.

[Gene]

I saw. I saw a tweet that. That day. It was like, happ y' all this some of y' all last days with 10 fingers. And it's so true.

[Patrick]

Like, that's like, I don't even know. Like once I see. I'm very good at seeing people do some dumb and absorbing it. Like I did it and taking it as my life lesson. Like, I've already seen Jason Pierre Paul blow his off. Yeah, I'm good, bro. I like bowling. You'll turn a bowl, bro.

[D Hutch]

Okay.

[Gene]

I think I'm just like risk adverse in for some things, right. Like, obviously I box. That's a dangerous thing. But I feel like that's like you can still control how many times you kind of get hit and stuff like that.

[Patrick]

But like seeing people die from boxing daily on the Internet.

[Gene]

Yeah. And I think with fireworks and other stuff like that, I just. I rather not lie to myself. I just don't have any interest of like lighting. I don't even want to light a firecracker or a Roman. The little. What's the other one? The sparklers. I would not even doing that.

[Patrick]

One time I held a sparkler backwards upside down. That burnt the out of me. I never. I would never forget like some little dumb like that or holding a firecracker too long and just be like, why would I ever do this at the max level? Like, what am I getting out of it? Dudes be trying to aura farm from it too. Yeah. Dudes be trying to light it and then walk Away slowly like you not the joker. Watch out, bro.

[Gene]

I used to think I had superpowers because of those sparklers. Because there's a point when you sparkle and you kind of let it touch your skin. So I thought the, the thing that was sparkling off was like actual fire. It would burn your skin. So I was like, oh, I'm immune to like fire. Like I thought I was invincible. So then I went and touched the. I was like, let me test this out. I touched a little fire, burnt my hand.

[Patrick]

That's crazy. I mean I feel like as kids we just do dumb. There was literally a time like remember the, the burner stoves that we kind of grew up with. I literally took a napkin, set it on fire and just, just toss it on the trash. Just it just watch that and golf. It's like, damn, I really did that. And I walk slowly to my mom, like I think the kitchen on fire. She said, you think? I know.

[Gene]

I think as kids we always wanted to like we needed to see it happen for us to believe it. Except for me, like I. My parents tried to lie to me about Santa Claus. I already never believed in Santa Claus. The too fair. So I just always believed society was lying to me. So I always have to see it for myself. Like when they say you can burn your hand off of iron, I didn't believe that shit. I touched the iron, burnt myself. Right. I think we just always tried things. I think also not having the biggest consequences, we didn't. That didn't really compute. You know as adults now you think about like actual consequences. Like I could go to jail.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

Especially as kids. Kids you're like invincible.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

If you're a 13 year old, you mad right now. I would say go beat they ass. Now when you get 18 jail time come behind. I don't think people know how lucky we were to be like if you got in a fight in high school to be able just to take a five day suspension and be right back in school instead of have to spend 30 days in jail with a named Earl who always here.

[Gene]

And I know your name also. I think fights ended as fights when we were younger.

[Patrick]

Nuts.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Gene]

I'm not saying like I grew up a lot, like a lot of my friends died to gun violence. Right?

[G]

Yeah.

[Gene]

But it I. In terms of like just like fights at school, it ended that way. I've never seen somebody that two people that fought and then the other person then died later. I'm just saying, I'm not saying it happened, but I think it was a Lot more you can live to fight another day type of fight. Nobody was spinning the block as much

[Patrick]

back in my day. Back in my day, they called it abuse.

[G]

Yeah,

[Patrick]

abuse is abuse. Nobody should be hitting nobody.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

But if I tell you, I just like.

[Gene]

But I saw people were. So they did a drone show in Milwaukee, right?

[Patrick]

Okay.

[Gene]

And I. They posted about it first. Drone. So I actually saw people mad about this shit.

[F]

Like, dumb.

[Gene]

You thought it was dumb?

[Patrick]

Well, I mean, you went to a drone show.

[H]

I.

[Gene]

Well, like, those are fireworks. Except for a drone.

[F]

Yeah. I work, like, events in Tosa, and they did a drone show as well, instead of the fireworks, and they said it cost about half the amount of money.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[F]

Milwaukee's broke.

[Gene]

And then you're.

[Patrick]

You're freaking business out there.

[Gene]

And your grandpa. I was like. And your grandpa not. But I saw, like, these angry, like, people in the comments saying, like, this isn't America. This and that. I'm like, bro, y'.

[Mike]

All.

[Gene]

Y' all dads and grandpas can actually have a good night of sleep. Yeah, your dogs. You know, I'm gonna be crying. Cars, alarm going off.

[Patrick]

You got to take your dog Hank, up north.

[Gene]

Yeah. It's just not America. I'm like, firework. I don't think fireworks are made in America. There's, like, a Chinese thing. I think fireworks are made in China. No, fireworks definitely started in China. I swear. Where did.

[Patrick]

I mean, they know how to celebrate,

[Gene]

originate, but also, like, see, fireworks originated in ancient China.

[Patrick]

I believe you. I'm just not going.

[Gene]

It's the Chinese. Not American made.

[Patrick]

I tell you what, son. Brother, that is not an American man on that podcast. I tell you what, I want you to step. Listen to that crash right now. Those are not American boys. Those are secret agents. Those are Michelle Obama's brothers. They be saying anything. That's probably Michelle Obama's nephew. That's Gary Coleman.

[Gene]

I. I have a. I'm not gonna call my friend, but somebody keeps seeing. They keep saying, posting, trust the process. Right? But I understand, because I'm not, you know, I do a trust the process type of post, but when people post that and I see, like, diff0 processing happening, I question it. It's like, why. Why are we trusting the process? Why should I trust your process?

[Patrick]

See, I ignore. I just started ignoring shit like that. Like when people be on, like, weight loss journeys and, like, the journey kind of long as hell. I had a kid through this journey, my son, three now. But I learned that, like, you know, everybody's battles start, like, a different Day, obviously you know that too. And the other thing is, you know when you know somebody so long, they start to get new jobs and new friends, new bars they go to. So they talking to those people. Yeah, they're not talking to us because we know the process. We've been the same way since college.

[Gene]

There's just some people I know, it's like bruh, just.

[Patrick]

But you never know though.

[Gene]

Yeah, you never know.

[Patrick]

I get surprised by people but like I would say I'm right more than wrong, you know what I'm saying?

[Gene]

So you know when somebody has no, like no ambition then.

[Patrick]

Oh yeah, for sure. The people that you know, have no ambition think they got all the answers. They just waiting on the right time.

[Gene]

No, that is true. That is true.

[Patrick]

Somebody just like playing like just ignorant

[Gene]

and they don't know anything or they're

[Patrick]

willing to learn there's more hope for them. You might got a long way to go, cuz you're a little stupid, you know. But you got a long way to go and I think you can get there cuz we all been stupid at some point. But like the people that just be like, I got all the answers, I'm just waiting on this certain amount of time. It's like, okay, how about you put.

[Gene]

Especially when you try to like give them advice on maybe how to speed up the process and they start saying, no, that's not, I'm not trying to do it that way. They're trying to like go like this way. That sounds faster in their head.

[Patrick]

No, the worst part is when you think like at you're in a big bro or mentor position that you're about to give them the key to like what they're talking about and you're just like waiting and then you say that point like oh, all you gotta do is such and such. And they say, I know. You just yapping, bro. I saw this. So you know like during volcanoes when they discover the bodies that were in the volcano, they have to like try to figure out like what it was. Like is it, was it a man or woman? If two people died close together, what was their relation and stuff like that. So this thing said the two maidens of Pompeii may have been gay lovers. Scientists say after re analyzing the iconic preserved figures found wrapped and embrace. So it's like two like dusty skeletons, like one like laying in the other one's lap. And like at first I was just like, oh damn, that's, that's dope, right? They found two people that's in A relationship. But somebody, like, opened my mind to this and is like, in case you die in a volcano eruption, remember to sit apart from your friends, or the archaeologists will call you centuries later. I never thought of it.

[Gene]

Like.

[Patrick]

Like, imagine being with your boy and, like, something, like, tragic happened. Camping trip, and y' all both burned to death. And y' all was in some event where y' all trying to pull each other out.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

And y', all, like, died in the hug. Yeah, the died hugging.

[Gene]

No, he didn't.

[Patrick]

Like, I was fighting for my life.

[Gene]

Dude's all over me. You can't be, like, holding it down like this. And now the

[Patrick]

you at the funeral, Tom. I didn't even know he was gay.

[Gene]

News to me.

[Patrick]

I thought there was co workers,

[E]

man.

[Gene]

Didn't even get to come out,

[Patrick]

man. Hey, Pride month. Hey, bro. I'm thinking about you, bro. My boy would have loved his. Oh, man. I saw the most evilest idea on the Internet. It's a tweet that says, unplugging refrigerators at house parties.

[Gene]

Is that crazy?

[Patrick]

Yeah, only because this is why I think it's crazy, because it's something that you might find out later on as an owner. Like, that's not something you catch right away. Yeah, you might flash it open a couple times, like, damn, why the light not on? And stuff like that. But that's some you catch two days later when you start stinking a little bit.

[Gene]

Water as much as the whole day. I think that's, like, the. That's probably the one of the worst things I would be afraid to do that. Because obviously, as a person has cameras. You don't want to be caught doing that, you know? I mean, I'd rather be caught stealing something than. Than unplugging your fridge. Like, you're trying to cause me, like, harm throughout. Like, my morning.

[Patrick]

Like, I could have ate an old piece of steak because you. I'm in a hospital. Open them up, man.

[Gene]

It's been a while since I've been at a house party.

[Patrick]

No, I haven't. I don't know what a house party is. Yeah, I feel like house parties are way too intimate now. I don't know if it's.

[Gene]

Or a college. It's definitely a college thing, but I

[Patrick]

think it's also cold.

[F]

I won't go to house parties.

[Gene]

But you've been to a house party.

[Patrick]

You're a covet, kid.

[F]

Yeah.

[Gene]

Yeah, yeah.

[F]

That's your freshman year of college. Yeah.

[Patrick]

Yeah. You're a Kobe kid. It was your freshman year in college.

[F]

I that. What.

[Patrick]

When was Covet?

[F]

Oh, were you my junior year of high school.

[Patrick]

God damn. Doing classes and. Oh, yeah, y'.

[G]

All.

[Patrick]

Y' all basically homeschool kids. Like, kind of weird when the sun get too bright, y' all go inside

[H]

and

[Patrick]

man, it's 88 degrees. I'm out.

[Gene]

Nah, I was kind of. That was the only thing I was kind of jealous about. The people during that were in school during COVID Why they lost social skills but no school.

[F]

Do I seem like I've lost social skills?

[Gene]

You.

[Patrick]

You might. You. Who knows, right? Who knows what your, like, what's your.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

Potential. Could have been. So you're probably like.

[G]

Ye.

[Patrick]

You're probably half of what you get.

[Gene]

But you.

[Patrick]

Your app is, like, really, really good. You know what I mean?

[Gene]

But you don't know what could have happened if you had, like, your full.

[Patrick]

Like, you probably be Milwaukee or something.

[Gene]

Harvard maybe.

[Mike]

But I'm here podcast.

[Patrick]

Yeah, you act exactly.

[Gene]

No, y' all probably didn't learn that last year. Being a junior or senior in high school school and having to work from the do school from home.

[F]

Well, it was also a pass fail. So, like.

[Gene]

Oh, so y' all didn't even have grades?

[F]

No. You just had to get above a D minus to be able to pass.

[Gene]

Oh, my gosh. I don't even having a ball.

[Patrick]

I think that's why, because I actually worked out of college during COVID and we were like, getting the COVID kids, like the co. Some of the COVID seniors. And when I tell you, like, they. They couldn't even hold a conversation because they haven't talked to anybody.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

Especially the ones that already didn't have a social life to begin with in the school. Like, you ever sitting at a lunch table, like, I don't really with you. I don't with you, I don't with you. But these my two guys. Now imagine that being, like, dwindled down to just those two, and you fall out with one of them. You stink, bro.

[Gene]

How would you. So did you go to a neighborhood school then? Like a neighborhood high school? So where your. So did you have friends outside of high school that you still hung out

[F]

with, like, that went to different schools or just.

[Gene]

Just in general?

[F]

Oh, yeah. I was also on the school's dance team, and we still had practice during co.

[Patrick]

Anybody that has sports kind of had, like, the cheat code.

[F]

Yeah, well, I also, like, had friends,

[Gene]

so let's make it sure. I'm just saying, you didn't play no sports in high school, right?

[Mike]

No sport. I Didn't have much friends out of that.

[Gene]

You were. You were really coasting through high school, huh?

[Mike]

Not have. Not playing in middle school. I was. I was on teams and. But I never had friends outside of school. And so when I got to high school, it was like a lot of search for identity. I was a skater kid.

[Gene]

Sports was never your thing.

[Patrick]

I literally was about to say Gene. Look, like he was in the back of the school during sixth period, and you see him, like, how come he ain't got no classes? You just hear the rapping kick, push, Break it to his daily crime habit

[Gene]

Was a rebel for no reason Everybody line up for. All right, class is over. Oh, you can't. Oh, no, Jean. The bell does. The bell's the one that dismisses you, or the bell doesn't dismiss you. He has his book bag and be like, I don't give a.

[Patrick]

That so cool.

[Gene]

You can't tell. You can't tell me what to do.

[Patrick]

Can you please take that cigarette out of your ear, Cold boy?

[Gene]

The only kid in school selling weed.

[Mike]

I was like a bad character for no reason at all.

[Gene]

No reason.

[Mike]

I was like the teacher's favorite class. Like, a teacher's favorite student one time. And then, like, I got a. I got the class. I had my books and everything. And she was just about to start lessons, and my girlfriend called me. Like, she was, like, stuck at, like, Walmart down the street or something. And the teacher seen me on my phone, and I looked her in her eyes and I threw the book down.

[Patrick]

She was like, don't go.

[Gene]

Don't Do.

[Patrick]

N was the one that the teacher tried to save.

[Gene]

Nah, they put cry at graduation.

[Patrick]

We did this. They said she was gonna be.

[Gene]

You come such a long way. You're the kid that you use. For example, cg. This is where G started.

[Patrick]

You think you're tough. We have tough kids in this class. Stand up, Gene.

[Gene]

Jen, you had gauge earrings. Didn't too?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Gene]

Oh, my God.

[Patrick]

No. That's crazy.

[Gene]

Now you had the big earlobes.

[Patrick]

That's the thing, bro. It just.

[H]

Just.

[Patrick]

It's just funny that I'm glad that. I wish I would have went to a school where more people could express themselves.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

Because I went more to a school, like, if you didn't have the same thing everybody else had on. Use a loser. Like, everybody had on the same. You had to have some white Air Force ones, some black dickies, you know, like a nice clean white shirt.

[F]

I feel like that's just how all public school is.

[Patrick]

That's True, too. But I swear, if you was different, boy, it was some different people. Like, bro, this dude, dude, this dude, he was an rotc. He was head of bsu. Talked real proper. He was on the football team. Played, like, defense and, like, really good dude. And they used to beat the out. He used to walk through the hallway like this. They'll, like, look at him going early to class. And then he would never say something to. Sometimes he'd just stick up for himself. It's like, maybe you guys should try to apply yourself. And they just. Jerome. Just talking, bro.

[Gene]

So I wore a uniform in high school because when I was in Nigerian boarding school, so we have to wear a uniform. And, like, the things you had to do to be different were, like, they were so strict. It's like the smallest things you did made you kind of, like, have a little, like, seem a little cooler. Like, you had to wear white socks. Right. And the day. Today, you don't wear white socks. You heard the black socks or some, like, design socks. Yeah. You just lift up yourself like, hey, bro, look at this.

[Patrick]

Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

[D Hutch]

Yeah.

[Gene]

Or you don't, like, you don't flip this. Maybe you don't do your tie all the way and, like, kind of let the. The taco meat show a little bit. A little pizzazz.

[Patrick]

Yeah. You had chest hair at that age.

[Gene]

A little bit. I feel like.

[Patrick]

God damn.

[D Hutch]

Damn.

[Patrick]

David Ruffin.

[Mike]

All right.

[Patrick]

All right.

[G]

Oh, what's up?

[Patrick]

Welcome to Crash Dummy's podcast. What's good?

[G]

All right.

[E]

Nice.

[Mike]

All right.

[Patrick]

I got a qu. Well, is. Okay. What's the secret that you want to reveal? Okay, let me ask that without you laughing.

[Gene]

I'm about.

[Patrick]

My bad. Just for clip purposes.

[G]

Okay. So wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

[Patrick]

No, I gotta ask the question again.

[G]

All right. Oh, go ahead.

[Patrick]

Okay. What's a secret? What's a secret you want to reveal?

[G]

I'm having enough. An affair.

[Gene]

Currently.

[G]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

Are you currently? Do you have the spouse, or does that person have the spouse?

[G]

I have the spouse. Oh, what's up? Yeah.

[Patrick]

How long?

[G]

A long time.

[Patrick]

Okay. A little. Little breather room

[G]

is multiple.

[Patrick]

Multiple.

[G]

Okay. We got a few.

[E]

Okay.

[Patrick]

All right, go.

[Gene]

I mean, go on.

[G]

I guess. I mean. Yeah. Like, we have. We have offspring.

[Patrick]

Okay. Okay. Who you having a. Okay, no. Who you having A fair win. You can describe.

[G]

I have to expose myself.

[Patrick]

You don't have to say who, but you can explain the situation of how you got there and when it started and, like, what's going on now.

[Gene]

Why don't you just divorce the person you're with.

[G]

So I. I. So boom. This. This where we live, right, Is really expensive, so let's start there. If. If that and if other factors, like, I actually really need this person.

[Patrick]

You need to. You need your. You need your spouse or you need the person.

[G]

I need myself. I need myself.

[Patrick]

Got you. Because of the. The family dynamic and the. And the financials.

[G]

Yeah, that.

[E]

That.

[G]

And it's some. It's some, like, medical stuff.

[Patrick]

Okay.

[G]

That you're gonna be helping me with.

[Patrick]

No. Oh, none of that. None of that love, though, right? That love. This is the medical.

[G]

Okay, man. All right. It's that, too. But, like, okay. He dogged me out for, like, a decade.

[Patrick]

Okay.

[G]

So, yeah, no, like, I'm just. I know I should feel bad, but, like, I just. I don't feel bad.

[Patrick]

Okay. We pulling back a layer. Okay. Okay. That's one layer.

[Gene]

So what does this do that you're having an affair with? What does he provide that you don't. That you feel like your spouse isn't

[G]

providing almost everything except the roof. He's understanding, patient. He's a lot older than me too, so there's that. So, like, he brings that. Like, he's. He's older and he's way more mature.

[Gene]

Who makes more money.

[Patrick]

I get it. I get it.

[E]

That.

[G]

Yeah, yeah. Hold on, let me think.

[Patrick]

No, I get it. I know. I know what it is. No, I know what it is now. He. You through that mattress. That's what's going on.

[G]

Well, yeah, that's. Yeah.

[D Hutch]

Yes.

[Patrick]

There we go. That's what it is.

[G]

Yeah, it's the.

[Patrick]

The physical part.

[F]

These.

[Patrick]

Because. Because if it was anything else, then you would. You would have left all the way by now, and y' all would have made it work. So it's really physical. So what do you. What do you. Where do you see this going, though? Like, what. How do you see this ending here?

[G]

All right, so, like, I'm. I'm living, like, a crazy double life right now because the. The person that I'm seeing, he's. He's. He's under the impression I've led him to believe that, like, I'm not involved with myself at all, and I am so, like, I'm really scared.

[Patrick]

Wait, how does that work time wise? Because you have. You have a kid, right?

[Gene]

Huh? Yeah. Yeah, we're good.

[G]

Oh. Oh. Yeah.

[D Hutch]

I don't.

[G]

I don't know what happened right there.

[Gene]

No, you're good.

[Patrick]

That was probably us. Okay, so back to the question. So how are you splitting this time? Because you say like you're living a double life and you have multiple kids with your spouse, but you're also. He also thinks that you're in a full time relationship with him. How are you convincing both that you're there?

[G]

You know what? I actually had like a lot of practice because I watched myself do it for so long. So I really.

[E]

He.

[G]

While he was. I was really picking up on like, oh, okay, that's how you. Okay. You was maneuvering like this. You okay. So boom. I just make it seem like a certain way. I just divide my time is. It's very calculated down to the. To the minute.

[Patrick]

Okay. I guess.

[Gene]

Do you think you can keep this up for. How long do you think you can keep this up for?

[G]

Well, I'm at seven months right now.

[Patrick]

Seven. God damn. That's actually this usually when it starts to like down on Spiral. Because I feel like this is why you're trying to get it off your chest. We like your confessional. And you can breathe a little bit because how many people notice?

[G]

One and a half.

[Patrick]

One half the.

[D Hutch]

Not.

[Patrick]

Not three and a half.

[G]

Actually.

[Patrick]

Actually, we got more people at this studio. Soon it'll be millions. It's okay. So what's like, what's your real life end goal like? Let's say you can have it your way and everything goes exactly how you planned it.

[Gene]

What?

[Patrick]

What, like, how does this end?

[G]

Honestly, I think I just want to be by myself. I've been with somebody for a really, really long time and it. It's not what I thought it was going to be. I didn't like the sold me a dream low key. And you know, I'm saying I bought it, so I want to end it all of them, like all of these situations on my terms. That's ideal for me. In a perfect world. I want to end them on my terms at my time and just be alone for a while.

[Patrick]

It's up. I'm on your side. I kind of rock with. The only thing I don't like is like, I feel like I don't want you to be in harm's way. And I feel like if you. Are you guys married, right?

[G]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

I feel like if you get a divorce without getting caught, then you can get more stuff for you and your kids.

[G]

It's.

[Patrick]

That's my only thing.

[H]

But

[G]

see now, like a woman, now

[Gene]

you're thinking like, oh, you're on her side.

[Patrick]

What? She. He dogged her out for a decade. She only doing it seven months.

[G]

That's what I'm saying. Like you got.

[Patrick]

You got nine years and five months left. A dog girl. Don't get it,

[G]

man.

[H]

That's crazy.

[G]

You sound like my mom.

[Gene]

Oh, she's other the one who is the half that knows.

[G]

Oh, well, then I guess it's two. No, it's three, actually. It's three. It's three. It's 3 because I looked up and I said something, but it's okay.

[Gene]

All right.

[F]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

So. So. Oh, so you don't want to. So. Oh, let's go back to the other question. You don't want to deal with the person that you're cheating with after this either, because that's what you said. You want to be alone. What's wrong with them? What's.

[G]

It's nothing wrong with him. Like, this is like, to me, this is. This is almost like a. Like if I could write a man perfectly on paper, he is him. He is the perfect specimen.

[Gene]

But.

[G]

But. I just can't see that. I don't want to say too much because so many people listen, hold your

[Patrick]

information, just safety wise and stuff like that, but I can tell you one thing. He not the person. Perfect man. He a ham for not knowing what's going on with this woman. There's no way you got kids. So where are you spending the night at?

[G]

Like, okay, so like, I live at home, right? We have a home. But I go see him and be at his house and sleep at his office and stuff all the time. My kids are not small. They're not little bitty kids. They're older.

[Patrick]

Okay, got you, got you. So where. So like, like you don't sleep in the same bed as your husband anymore?

[G]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

You don't or you do?

[G]

I do, I do.

[Gene]

So where does he think you are when you're not sleeping there?

[G]

Work.

[Patrick]

Oh, so you got a fake job? What the.

[Gene]

Are you still on the side?

[G]

I have. No, no, I have multiple jobs.

[Patrick]

Yeah. I see. Hey, you got multiple everything. Multiple jobs, multiple luck lives.

[G]

No, look, look, look, man, this is just. I'm not. I know, I. I know what I sound like. I know I. I know what I sound like, but I do have multiple jobs and one of them requires me to travel sometimes. So.

[Patrick]

Yeah, do.

[Gene]

Do both of your. The people you're involved with, do they both know that you have those same jobs?

[G]

Yes.

[Gene]

Okay, so you didn't like, switch it up on them? Like you, you're like a nurse. One person. And like,

[Patrick]

I just want to send a message to somebody in particular. Particular. You're welcome. Tyler Perry. You ain't got a writing on. Just listen to the podcast.

[G]

And I met the other dude at work.

[Gene]

So that's where you guys see each other a lot.

[G]

But.

[Gene]

What. Let me just skip the question. Wouldn't it just be easier to get a divorce and just have the person that you're having an affair with?

[G]

No.

[Gene]

Kind of support your lifestyle.

[Patrick]

So he must be giving you more money than you would get it.

[G]

It's not. It's not just about the divorce. Like I. When I like, I need myself, like I'm gonna need. Coming up soon, I'm gonna really need myself. Like for real.

[E]

For real.

[Patrick]

Don't tell me.

[G]

Gonna look a lot different.

[Patrick]

Oh, don't tell me he giving you like an organ or some.

[G]

I can neither confirm nor deny.

[Patrick]

No way.

[E]

Hang up.

[Patrick]

No, no, no, no. I will be a part of this. No. Bless your heart. I hope he don't find out.

[G]

That's what I'm saying. Like. Like I just have this on every single day. I'm like, it's like you're breaking like

[Patrick]

every 16 year old boy's heart. That's what he think that's gonna happen to him if he get married right here. But I get it. Always remember y', all. 10 years, a decade of dogging. She only been doing it seven months. But two wrongs don't make a right though.

[G]

And the crazy part, I'm not trying to make nothing right. I don't give a. Like, I don't. I'm seeing, I'm thinking more logically. I'm thinking about finances for the future. Like my. The life. The lives of my children. My. My life. How that's gonna look. But like emotionally no. I'm checked the out.

[Patrick]

How much is a kidney donor pay? God damn. 10 racks is 25 000. Yeah, you better keep that.

[Mike]

All right.

[Patrick]

Why the other dude don' organ.

[G]

Oh man, he don't even love you like that.

[Patrick]

That's what I'm saying, dude giving you an organ. The other dude won't.

[G]

Organs have to be matched. They have to be matched.

[Patrick]

Oh my God.

[G]

You can't just go get them from like a random. Like, they have to be matched. Blood type, all types of.

[Patrick]

You a dog. You are a dirty dog. You hear me?

[G]

A dirty dog is crazy. A was a dog forever.

[Gene]

Way worse. Do you have proof of his dog?

[G]

You said what?

[Gene]

Do you have proof that he was doggy for 10 years. You caught him 10 times.

[Patrick]

What type of dog? What type of dogging was it? Explain what he did. Did he have a Whole relationship?

[G]

Yes.

[Gene]

And you stayed.

[G]

It's complicated. You're not gonna.

[Gene]

Okay, okay.

[Patrick]

How long you needed that organ? No way.

[G]

It is complicated. Like, it's not. I'm not one that's like, oh, it's complicated. I. But I'm just a dumb. And I say no. Like, it's actually.

[Gene]

Oh, you are. You're different from everybody else,

[G]

man.

[Gene]

All right, we're not trying to make the spot hot for you, so you have a good one.

[Patrick]

Get that organ, girl. All right, It.

[Gene]

Yo, welcome to Crash Enemies Podcast.

[E]

Good, Pat. Mike. My.

[Gene]

What up? What up? We got. We got Paige here, so.

[E]

Oh, what's good, Paige?

[H]

Hi, my fellow cracker.

[E]

I said fellow, but I'm actually black, I swear to God.

[Gene]

What the fuck is going on?

[Patrick]

I mean, that's a slur. Then,

[E]

hey, straight up.

[Gene]

All right, I got a question for you. This thing might be racist. All right, I got a question for you. I got a question for you. If you could get an answer to any question right now, what would it be?

[E]

All right, my question is, and maybe Paige can answer this for me, why would white people get uncomfortable? They do that little lit thing with, like, the whole bottom and upper lips disappear, and they got, like, no lips. And you could just tell, like, huh. Why they do that?

[F]

Because we got small lips.

[E]

What.

[Gene]

What situations have you seen it in?

[E]

All right, so say you. I was walking down the street, right? I live in la, so I'm walking down the street on Melrose. I see this old white lady, and she's got this little ugly ass Chihuahua. It, like, run up towards me, like. You know when somebody else dog run up to you like. Like, and that you could tell that person don't want their dog to interact with you. So, like, they pull their dog back and kind of look away. This old white gonna have a nerve to yank her dog away. And then look at me, because the dog was like, you look at me. I looked at her, and in my mind, I'm like, ugly ass face with no lips. Then the second thing in my mind went off. She's lucky I'm a nice. My mama raised me right because she tugging on that dog like it wouldn't be nothing I could do to stop her from taking that dog.

[Patrick]

Telling you, every CIA agent is on vacation, and they have been for the last year. No need for them to work anymore.

[Gene]

All right, man, you have a good one.

[E]

All right, y' all have a great. Yo, yo, what's going on?

[Patrick]

Welcome to Crash Dummies podcast. Dude, how are you?

[E]

What's going on. Good, bro. How y' all doing?

[Gene]

Good, good, good. I got a question for you. If you could get. If you could get an answer to any question right now, what would it be?

[E]

If I could get an answer to any question I, you know, I asked. Who. Who was the first.

[Patrick]

Wait, say it again.

[E]

The first who netted, ejaculated came.

[Gene]

That's the question. You want to know?

[E]

Nah. Yeah, because, you know, it's a lot of questions from that question, you know, like, where. Where was he? How he did it? How you felt? Did he think he was gonna die? Do you think he was having a seizure or something? Because, you know, I know my first time, I didn't know what the Was going on.

[Patrick]

That's true, though.

[E]

My body felt tingly.

[Patrick]

That's crazy.

[E]

You want attack.

[Patrick]

Wanted to know the history of the first dick is insane. He want the first dick. What?

[E]

Try to go that way, bro.

[Patrick]

You literally want to know what the first. What to do with the first. What? Why. Why do you want to know this answer?

[E]

Nah, because I just want to know, like, okay, like, not even that. Like, it's more. So, like, how did he know that this was gonna make another person? Like, it's so. It's so much.

[Gene]

I think it's all, like, instincts.

[E]

Yeah.

[Gene]

Just like, how animals do it now. I don't think. I don't think animals would be having sex, be like, oh, I'm about to have a baby.

[Patrick]

Like, it frightens me so much when people learn from our podcast.

[E]

How do you know he was. When he first met him, just started coming out his body. He's like, oh, that ain't peace.

[Gene]

I think. I think more times that it's. It probably was from a woman.

[E]

So how so then that's the next question. Who's the first to jail? How did he know?

[Gene]

Man, your Google search history gotta be crazy.

[Patrick]

I mean, animals. Animals do exactly what you're talking about, and they don't have the same brain as us, so if they can figure

[E]

it out, you can watch the animal. I mean, you watch animal fun.

[G]

What the.

[Patrick]

This dude trying to. You trying to get somebody else in the weird boat? You asking about the first nut and what it looked like. I wonder if he bushed everywhere. Look at that. I wonder if he lost control. Weird as hell. I wonder if he just knew just to start touching it himself or. Somebody help that boy thinking a caveman porn. This dude weird as hell.

[E]

A lot of that come from that question, man.

[Gene]

All right, bro. You have a going, man.

[E]

All right.

[Mike]

All right, bro, Imagine Adam and Eve complain, arguing about getting pregnant.

[Patrick]

Yeah, I told you. I told you that. That's coming out of your body.

[Gene]

You went ahead, ate the apple.

[E]

Yo.

[Patrick]

Yo, what's the deal?

[E]

I never. I never. Y' all ain't never called this ass po.

[G]

Man,

[Gene]

what up, bro? We haven't speaking to you, spoken to you in a while.

[E]

Yeah, man, been. Been working, man. You know how that go.

[Gene]

Yeah, yeah, not really.

[Patrick]

But, yeah, we working right now, type.

[E]

Yeah, yeah, I forgot. Yeah, yeah, I forgot. I forgot. Y' all different Claire to me.

[H]

No, no, I'm not.

[Gene]

Different class.

[Patrick]

Hell, no, we're the same.

[Mike]

I'm still.

[Patrick]

Bro, bro, this like this, like $2 a caller, bro. So you see three calls, $6 episode, split it.

[E]

Hey, don't forget. Don't for. Hey, don't forget. I'm following y' all on Instagram. I see. I see. I'm not counting. Nobody fighting. I see what y' all doing.

[Gene]

What do you see?

[Patrick]

Them kots.

[Gene]

What do you see on our Instagram?

[E]

You mean what? I. I see two. Two black man in America enjoying life. I know a lot of. A lot of stuff y' all doing. Hey, man, they'll be looking at me crazy, some of these settlement that y' all be going in, bro, y' all be having no issues. Like, I never see y' all have any issues. Like, people know y' all supposed to be there.

[D Hutch]

So.

[E]

Yeah, y' all most definitely in a different class.

[Patrick]

Nah, bro, what do you do for a living, man?

[E]

I'm curious, man. I just. I just, man. Bro, I just got into it with the damn police at the club. Y' all know Ralph, who Ralo found going for Atlanta Hill Rapper? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He came to Merced, man. We was at. He was at the club where the police just grabbed me lag. Like, I don't supposed to be there. I like that. Crazy.

[Patrick]

No, ain't nothing worse than getting removed by security.

[E]

Yeah. You feel me?

[Patrick]

I mean, we still get removed out of play. We was. We was front stage at that Wale concert, and they said, after Wale get off stage, we gotta leave. We gotta leave with Wale.

[E]

Yeah, yeah. Y' all gotta go with it.

[Patrick]

Yeah. Ain't nothing like getting put out by somebody, you know. You'll beat the.

[E]

That would make it even worse. Yeah, that would make it even worse. Like, man, I got a question for you. We're good, bro.

[Patrick]

What's the thought that you have that you can't say out loud?

[E]

I. I said in my mind on A daily. When I ride past like the. When I wide past a homely woman holding up a sign, it did. It hit my mind every time. I'd be like, she'll scammer. Because ain't no way you out here homeless and you gotta. And you got that catching whatever. You don't want to feel none of that. Like, yeah, you. Like you would. You would not want to give a man none and make money off of it. You'd rather be home and living on the street. I just can't buy that. I mean, I know some people do go through hard times. I understand that. But when it gets to a point, I mean, come on, you get paid to have a good time. I got the homeboy that I know for a fact will get them top dollar.

[D Hutch]

So ain't.

[E]

Yeah, I don't think no woman really homeless. Can't be. Is impossible.

[Patrick]

Hey, CIA agency, another vacation. All the CIA agents put in another.

[Gene]

They gonna get mad at us like, oh, they're laughing at him again.

[Patrick]

Hey, for reference, we don't agree. And this actually somebody. This actually somebody I'm cool with, and I don't agree with this at all.

[E]

Okay, okay, look, okay, hey, hey, look, look, look. Put yourself in that shoe. You homeless, living on the street and a woman, A woman pull up on you while you holding the sign I wear work for food. She's like, what else you'll do for food?

[Patrick]

So you're not.

[E]

So you're not, you're not gonna take up on that opportunity?

[Patrick]

No.

[E]

Huh.

[Gene]

But there also has to be. There also has to be a market for, for people like soliciting, like sex with homeless people. And I don't think there's a market for that.

[E]

You said it's not.

[Gene]

No, I don't think that's a market for that.

[E]

Yeah, because I feel like they'll understand or like you feel like they ain't. They ain't doing too much wrong.

[Patrick]

So you said if you saw a good looking woman and she had had something on her thing like her cardboard that said, like will work for food, what would you say to her?

[E]

What I'm gonna say, I'm like, that we're gonna be like, you know, I'm starting conversation out. Like I actually.

[D Hutch]

Well, I do care.

[E]

Don't take my word wrong way saying like, I don't care. But I'm gonna start the conversation like I actually kill. So I'll be like, how you get in this situation? Get. Get to know her life story. And I'll be like,

[Gene]

then that's like me at the strip club one time.

[E]

Yeah, I get. I get to know her. I get to know her first. So I see like, okay, okay. Try to find some cracks in the store. So then I'd be like, hey, so what else you willing to do? And if she ain't willing to do it, I'm gonna be like, I might go around the corner, call the police and tell them about that. Like, yeah, they out there champions. Ain't no way she's not home.

[G]

Evil.

[Patrick]

She paying.

[E]

Helen, go get her now.

[Gene]

What, she just have morals, huh? Well, she just have morals.

[E]

You. Your moral went out the wonder when you held that sign up. Your morals are

[Patrick]

no more more 20, 25. No more morals.

[Gene]

All right, man. What? Go ahead. My bad.

[E]

No, I said once you hold. Once you hold a sign up on the. What you'll do for food and money, it's no more more A. It shouldn't be. Ain't nothing off limits.

[G]

You should be.

[Gene]

Wild cases is going on right now. There's limited limits.

[Mike]

Respect, boundaries.

[E]

No, even if I try. Even if I try to have her to kill somebody, she should be dying for that. Basically. It shouldn't be nothing. You say no to to get money. That's what I'm saying.

[Patrick]

I'm going have to disagree.

[E]

If you in that. If you in that situation. If you in that situation now. No, of course you're not going to do it right now. But if you in that situation where you gotta hold a sign up and ask somebody you don't know for money publicly.

[Patrick]

Okay? So if you. So if you was in that position, you had to hold a sign up, and then somebody pulled up on you like, yo, you trying to do more than that.

[E]

Look, and this the thing about it. Am I scamming or am I. Am I actually in that situation?

[Patrick]

You actually in that situation.

[E]

Anything goes. Ain't nothing I can't say no to. I'm holding up sign on the corner, but you can do what I gotta do.

[Gene]

You can go to jail for of those things.

[E]

Good. That better than standing out there holding the sign? I get three meals. I get three meals a day. Somewhere to lay my head at. I let. Take care of me.

[Patrick]

Thinking of it as a state taking care of you. It's crazy.

[Gene]

All right, man. You have a good one.

[E]

All y'.

[G]

All.

[E]

Just saying.

[G]

All right.

[Gene]

Welcome to Crab's Podcast.

[H]

Hi.

[Gene]

How's it going?

[H]

It's going good. How you doing?

[Gene]

Pretty good. Pretty good. I got a question for you.

[H]

Yeah.

[Gene]

What's the worst backhand compliment you ever received.

[H]

So I didn't meet my son, dad side of his family until his first birthday party. And I feel like the whole party I was receiving so many backhanded compliments because this man just kind of told them the most obnoxious things about me. So the first thing was I had family members coming up to me like, oh, my God, you're actually beautiful. Like, I don't know what we were expecting. And then we wrapped it up with. At the end of the party, his favorite aunt came up to me, like, never mind what they said. You are an amazing mom. And I'm just like, what did this man tell you about me?

[Patrick]

No, that's crazy.

[Gene]

Do you know what he was saying about you?

[H]

So, like, that first year our son was born, we would have, like, little fights, but what he would do is he would take the information to his family and just like throw dubs on it. Like, I was just crazy obnoxious. Like, he even had like, like a grandma or older family were like, oh, my God, you are so well mannered and well spoken. Like, I don't know who was I. Who I was expecting to meet? Like, it. I was just blown out. Like, he would just say the worst things about me imaginable. And like, I could not believe it. And he really showed me a different side of him that first birthday party.

[Patrick]

So sorry, y' all not together, right?

[H]

No, no.

[Patrick]

Okay. And were y' all ever together?

[H]

Yeah, that first year.

[Patrick]

How the relationship end.

[H]

So I feel like he was portraying two different people. Who he was around me and who he was around his friends and family. He will tell them, like, one thing and then I'll come around. It's a different thing. And I think his friends and family started to notice because they would get around me and get to know, like, my actual character. And like, they'll acting like, well, I thought you said this about her. He's like, oh, y', all, y', all, y' all mix my words around. That didn't happen. Like, he just kind of portrayed me.

[Patrick]

What's the worst thing he said about you?

[H]

So honestly, the list is long. I think the worst thing he said about me was I, I lied about being pregnant the first six months just to keep him around when he was at all the doctor's appointments. So his. He kept telling his family, oh, she's not pregnant, she's lying. But he was at every single doctor appointment.

[E]

Four week appointment.

[Gene]

That's up.

[Patrick]

Believe that. He's probably looking at the Sonic. Do that A B.

[Gene]

What will you Tell your family members about him.

[H]

I was, like, praising him. I was like, oh, I think he's going to be an amazing dad. He applied for paternity leave so he can be home with us. Like, the first couple of days. Like, I was, like, praising him up

[Gene]

to my family life, even in, like, the. The bad moments.

[H]

Yeah. Like, I'm the kind of person where in a relationship, I don't take the bad things to my family because, you know, we might be mad at each other one day and, you know, the next day we might be cool. I don't take every argument or disagreement to my friends or family because we might be cool the next day, but the next time I bring them around, they still got, you know, some. You know, some. Some beef towards him, like, oh, you did this to my sister, daughter, cousin, whatever. Like, no, like, you shouldn't take every single problem to your friends and family because it's going to make your partner look bad.

[Patrick]

Right, right, right, right. Preach, preach, preach.

[H]

But, yeah, the whole relationship, even, like, through the good and bad, I was praising him, but I was not getting the same. No.

[Patrick]

That's crazy.

[Gene]

It's the first time I feel like we have, like, a call that I'm like, I fully agree with

[Patrick]

Midwest relationship type going on right here.

[Gene]

You from the Midwest?

[H]

Yes, I live in the Midwest, but I'm from the West Coast.

[Patrick]

Okay.

[Gene]

Okay. See?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Gene]

How do you. How do you be peeping all that?

[Patrick]

I can hear? She probably. It sound like she. She in Omaha or some.

[Gene]

All right, you have a good one.

[H]

You, too. Thank you.

[D Hutch]

Yo, how are you, bro?

[Patrick]

Good.

[Gene]

How good, bro?

[D Hutch]

I'm doing good.

[E]

What?

[D Hutch]

Why. Why you guys laughing? I just asked how you guys doing?

[Patrick]

Just chilling. What, you the laugh police?

[D Hutch]

My bad. I was at work, so it took me a minute to answer.

[Patrick]

All right, I got a question for you.

[D Hutch]

What up?

[Patrick]

What's a. What's a toxic trait that you don't plan on fixing?

[D Hutch]

Being short and fat. I think that's a combo right now that life's too good to stop eating, and I can't change my height, so you gotta deal with it.

[Patrick]

You know how short and fat we talking here?

[D Hutch]

I'm talking about, like, 5, 2. I like a cool, like, 324 and some change, but don't chuggle. You're not.

[E]

But you're not tall.

[Patrick]

I. I mean, I'm taller than five, too.

[G]

Do.

[D Hutch]

Yeah, you got me there.

[Patrick]

Way taller. You're literally. Yeah, you're built like a can of Vienna sausage, brother. What's.

[Gene]

Why don't you want to change that?

[Patrick]

Yeah,

[D Hutch]

because I. I just got a new job. It's pretty good. Like my first, like, real. Real job.

[Patrick]

What? I floaty

[D Hutch]

you? No, actually, we got a law firm. It's a lot more better than broke ass audio Listen. Audio listeners. You guys.

[E]

Nah.

[Gene]

If you came in as my lawyer, But that still doesn't make like.

[E]

What.

[Gene]

I don't get why that doesn't make you want to change, though. Are you just happy being your height?

[Patrick]

I mean, I guess you can't do nothing about your height, but not yet.

[D Hutch]

Cool.

[Patrick]

What's your.

[E]

My bad.

[Patrick]

What's like the. What's like the biggest thing you've done or the fattest thing you've done? I hate using the word fat here, but what's the fattest thing you've done, bro?

[D Hutch]

Your body fitting.

[Gene]

I'm not.

[Patrick]

I'm trying not to.

[D Hutch]

Fattest thing. I don't. I can't even think. I think everything I do is fat as

[Patrick]

well. When the last time you went on, like, a walk or run?

[D Hutch]

I'm actually on a walk right now. I was in the office. You guys called, so I had to walk out.

[Gene]

Yeah, I saw you actively trying to. Are you trying to, like, lose some weight, though, or you just.

[E]

I'm not.

[D Hutch]

Not really. I mean, I'm not going to the gym or anything. I'm not lifting no weights.

[E]

I'm just.

[D Hutch]

I'm just eating and making money and that's all it is.

[Patrick]

Okay. Real. How old are you, though?

[D Hutch]

I'm 21, bro. I just. I just turned 21. And not even just. I turned in 21 in January.

[Gene]

Five two. But that's crazy.

[Patrick]

But listen, I'm telling you, you need to get. Get ahead of this, though. You don't want to be like 27, because you actually got fast metabolism now, which is insane to say, but you have fast metabolism now. It's going to slow down.

[Gene]

Like, has this affected your dating life?

[D Hutch]

Nah. No, I have a. I have a beautiful girlfriend. Shout out Valerie. I've been with her for three years.

[Patrick]

So that's good. You got somebody.

[D Hutch]

The real one.

[Gene]

How tall is she?

[D Hutch]

Shorter than me.

[Mike]

Really?

[D Hutch]

Nah. No, she's not shorter than me. She's taller than me, bro.

[Gene]

By how much? Like, what's.

[E]

How tall?

[D Hutch]

Not like two inches. Not bad. She's five' four. Almost by five.

[Patrick]

She is. She.

[D Hutch]

I'd be looking up at her.

[Patrick]

I'm not trying to be funny, but is she like, thinner or.

[D Hutch]

No, no, it's actually pretty funny because she has she has a really good figure. I'm kind of fat as I thought.

[Patrick]

So it's like Timon and Puma, right?

[E]

Right.

[Patrick]

Y' all walk around, look like a number 10. No, but for real. Hey, you need to. You need to get ahead of that, though.

[Gene]

You're getting the gym, brother.

[Patrick]

Just get some walks in. I would say get in the gym. Just like start walking like anything or rolling in your case.

[D Hutch]

Hey, I'mma. I'mma need some advice though, Pat, because I know that you're on a. On a. Or you've been on a weight loss journey and I could tell for sure, bro. Homo, bro. But you look good, bro.

[Patrick]

I appreciate that. I wish I could say this, non, but listen. No, no, no. Real, real. You should just start. Just start walking though. That's it. Just start walking.

[E]

All right.

[Patrick]

You feel me?

[D Hutch]

Oh, I got. I take hour breaks at my job, so. A whole hour. I'll dedicate it and just walk.

[Gene]

What have you been doing before?

[E]

I just show my car for the

[D Hutch]

hour with my

[Patrick]

I suspensions on that car. But no, no, last question.

[D Hutch]

It's a brand new car. The suspension is actually perfect. So.

[Gene]

Are you standing on your car in your profile picture?

[D Hutch]

I am, I am, Yeah, I am.

[Patrick]

I told you, the suspension. Okay, last question. What? Like the reason I want you to walk because you got a girlfriend that seems that she loves you and she. I bet you she helps you find your dick. And so. So my thing is you should lose weight for her because there's no way that you doing all the sexual positions you need to. To please your woman.

[D Hutch]

I mean, can I be very honest? I mean, what. It's. It's kind of weird because I can't lie. Like when I was younger, I mean, I've been. I've moved my girls since. Since my senior, so. I mean, I was kind of skinny back then. I can't lie like I was in. In pat terms, I was able to see my dad. I mean, apparently now I can, I guess. But back then I was able to see it now, you know, I mean, nothing has changed. I mean, my girl's been with me through, you know, hard ass times,

[G]

bro.

[E]

Come on,

[D Hutch]

you guys.

[E]

No way.

[Patrick]

No, no, no, Seriously though, you. You need to lose weight for her

[Gene]

though, because you can't start off, you can't get. Gain the. That much weight while you guys. When you guys started already, you can't

[Patrick]

gain relationship weight for her. And you said, I'll take all the relationship weight myself. You feel me? We want this relationship.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah.

[D Hutch]

And we want you to be healthy

[Patrick]

and we want you to listen to our show for years to come. You know what I'm saying? So we want you to get.

[D Hutch]

I've been listening to you guys for years. No, no, I'm. Yeah, exactly.

[E]

But like, like I've been keeping over

[D Hutch]

you guys podcast like ever since you guys said that. You guys are going to name your podcast in the know that weak ass

[E]

name, like, oh, Fire.

[Mike]

Fire.

[Patrick]

Yeah. I just don't want to be on episode 500 and you calling in and you telling us like two of your legs got amputated. You know what I'm saying? You already five two, you know what I'm saying?

[D Hutch]

No, bro, I might call in a wheelchair. I can't lie.

[Patrick]

No, bro, we getting. We. We walking every day, one hour, bro.

[D Hutch]

It's hot though, bro. It's summer where you guys.

[Gene]

I just start with 30 minutes. Minutes. You can sit in your car half the time actually.

[Patrick]

Keep the AC off.

[Gene]

All right, bro. You have a good one.

[D Hutch]

Thank you.

[Patrick]

All right, this is for a question for everybody. If all humans suddenly lost the ability to lie, what industry would collapse first?

[Gene]

Ooh, medical.

[Patrick]

Oh, my God. Trying to get killed.

[F]

The court system.

[Patrick]

The court system.

[E]

Them.

[Patrick]

In what way?

[F]

Like, lawyers wouldn't be able to.

[Patrick]

Oh, yeah, I guess you wouldn't need. No need for lawyer. You just call people up.

[Mike]

I feel like media would crash first because that's what everybody's seeing. Like if you're not in the hospital or like everybody's. You're just hearing the truth everywhere.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

But I think it'll be. But everybody.

[Gene]

I feel like everybody's definition of truth is different because happens though, I guess

[Mike]

it won't crash just because you just.

[Patrick]

Cuz lions out of there don't mean dude got. Didn't get cheated on.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

You know what I'm saying, man? He just found out a little bit faster.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

You know what I'm saying? So now he actually posting it instead of just being like, I'm a loner, he actually type it out like, yeah, my girl cheated on me, so I'm gonna be alone for.

[Gene]

Yeah, I think the medical one would be because I feel like they have the cure to a lot of. And I just feel like, you know, there's money. I think they have the cure to a lot of things. And there's billions of dollars going into these blank, blank research programs, right? Yeah, and there's billions. So it's like, if I find the cure to this one disease, do I start losing funding to finding that it means a bill. You get billions. There's billions of dollars that go into this.

[Patrick]

I can't wait until they make this into the edit of why they assassinate.

[Gene]

You're gonna have everybody with the conspiracy theory was onto something right here.

[Patrick]

This is where he said it. If you don't want the government on you like they did Michael, I feel

[Gene]

like I'm saying the most surface level thing that I think people are. I've dove deeper into this.

[Patrick]

Yeah, but they gonna make an example. They got don't care. All right, Tweet of the week, Facebook post a week, whatever you want to call it. Be like, you got a good one, bro keeper. My is you in love with my.

[Mike]

I hate those.

[Gene]

No, you can say that.

[G]

It depend.

[Gene]

It's that depending on who's saying it. If it's my yes. If it's some. Anybody.

[Patrick]

Why you pointing at my.

[Gene]

If it's anybody in this room, I'm okay with it. Because I know that you guys didn't know her from anywhere else most likely. Right? Or in. In terms. Because I would already knew if there was anything. You know, you're my friend. Yeah, but anybody else outside, like that regular, like, friend group, then it's like, okay, bro, like what?

[Patrick]

Nah, nobody knows what the. You talking to her?

[Mike]

What if a dude says it right? Like, oh, your girl's a keeper. You know what I'm saying?

[Gene]

Like, tell me my girl's a kid.

[Mike]

You asked your girl?

[D Hutch]

Who's that?

[Patrick]

I don't know.

[Mike]

I don't know him.

[Gene]

Yeah, brace like going a million miles per hour.

[Patrick]

Hey, what you want them to be honest? What if a dude came up to you? Be like, damn glad you got to her first. I'd have had my hands on her. I couldn't even explain the things I would do to you. I'm telling you now, her hair wouldn't be looking like that. We wouldn't even be here if this was my girl. We'd be at my place. Hey, don't disrespect, brother.

[Gene]

No, no offense. I would. Your girl. It's like, what?

[Patrick]

No, don't take this the wrong way, but your girl's looking right right now.

[Gene]

I told my friend. I've told my friends that before. Like, though to their boyfriends, though.

[E]

What?

[Gene]

Yeah, I'm like, no, she. She talks all about you type of thing. Oh, yeah.

[Patrick]

I thought you was talking about something else.

[Gene]

Yeah, yeah, that's.

[Patrick]

That's way different. You trying to gas up? Do you gas up people that you don't think are Good. Like, would you ever tell a couple. Like, I've told people that I think, oh, y' all got a real nice relationship and not really mental to it. It's just like, y just been together for a long time. I don't know. Every time I see you, you're arguing.

[Gene]

But I think, too, when you see other people's relationship, sometimes it kind of puts your back into, like, a. You kind of have a little more perspective. Like, okay, I actually have things pretty good. You see some just like, it be like, damn, that's what you like. Everybody, especially once your boy is vented to you or some like that.

[Patrick]

Like, what?

[Gene]

And then you kind of have to. And then you kind of have to pretend you feel them, but in your head, you're like, yeah, both of y' all kind of crazy.

[Patrick]

You ever somebody be telling a story and you be on a side and it's actually because you know they're saying the right thing? Like, yeah, bro. And she caught an attitude and stormed out the store. You'd be like, yeah, bro, I wouldn't put up with that either. Exactly. So I ran her ass over. How many wheels, bro?

[Gene]

Like, oh, my girl's pissed off at me. And like that. Because she was mad about me liking all these girls pictures and like that. And I'm like, what pictures? You like? Yeah, so. And then I looked at the picture. It was like, girls like, spread eagle. Like, ass out everything. He's like, bro, I don't like. We've been like, we freak is cool and like that. And I'm like, yeah, you can't even

[Patrick]

say nothing if you're a man in a relationship, bro. You got to be careful, bro.

[Gene]

You just got to pick the right pictures to, like, you. There's certain pictures you can't. If it's like a. I think there's a difference between somebody being at the beach and then, like, somebody trying to, like, in lingerie, trying to be sexy. Yeah. And what pose, right?

[Patrick]

If you at the beach and, like, you posing like you would just playing, like, spike ball or some, like, all right, cool. You might get a double tap. But if you, like, got your leg up and like that in the bikini, like.

[Gene]

And the caption.

[Patrick]

You only cover the areola. A starfish for the areola just doesn't match up.

[Gene]

It definitely depends on the. The caption as well. Yeah, yeah. Or something like, you wish you had this or some. And if you like that, it's like, all right, bro.

[Patrick]

I guess caption matter for anything.

[Gene]

And the caption kind of Matters Sometimes

[Patrick]

you be like them at a cubicle. Like, ah, got your. Girls. They're obviously men and women. I'm not just gonna say these girls. But we're all starting to do more photo dumps.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

So I like literally like something off like a photo D. I think the person like took a picture with her nephew or something. I was like, oh, that's dope. And then went back and I'm scrolling later. I'm like, when did I like a bikini?

[Gene]

Yeah. Yeah, that happens. Yeah, that happens to me a lot. It happened to me recently.

[Patrick]

Every time I just.

[Gene]

Man, my finger just slips.

[Patrick]

No but sometimes when I scroll, my thumb does this weird. I don't know how the. I don't even with her. She doesn't even look good. Like you think she looks good.

[E]

Ladies.

[Patrick]

He started saying that if you say he don't with her.

[D Hutch]

Oh yeah.

[Gene]

They

[Mike]

all right.

[Gene]

Oh yeah.

[Patrick]

It was on Twitter weeks. Okay. This. My boy D. Hutch sent me this. The art pieces that I'm saying that usually are right here. This D. Hutch your hold your still. Hold his shirt up under his chin when he pee pee. No, there's like. There's like two things that have to be dropped. The first one I say hits right around third, fourth grade. You can't like your ass should not be showing.

[D Hutch]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

When you're at the urinal. Yeah.

[Gene]

You can't have your pants on the. At your ankles.

[Patrick]

Yeah.

[Gene]

I think if you look like second

[Patrick]

grade an is crazy too. Like

[Gene]

no, I hate the. The. The combo is disgusting too. Cuz it be like jeans to the ankles and then underwear or boxers halfway off. Like the pull down. It's like, bro, you could have did that the whole time.

[Patrick]

No, jeans to angle is crazy. No, I'm. I'm straight punchy in a. I'm not

[Gene]

definitely kicking you your ass.

[Patrick]

Hey, I know you can't be my now. That's crazy. But the chin on her shirt. That kind of weird too, bro. That's your control, bro. You know your little.

[Gene]

When you got lift your shirt.

[Patrick]

Where the is that?

[Gene]

I don't think I would want to do that basically cuz I don't want to get my shirt wrinkled.

[Patrick]

That too.

[Gene]

Like if I went like this.

[E]

This.

[Patrick]

Yeah, you look stupid. Yeah yeah.

[Gene]

Look good look like.

[Patrick]

But I think some I do.

[Gene]

But I think that stops conversations at urinals though if we all start doing. Doing that.

[Patrick]

Oh get everybody cuz you all Cuz

[Gene]

you start talking like, yeah, hey bro, crazy ass party.

[Patrick]

Maybe that was invented to make people look at their own wee wee. Now everybody breaking the rules. Like, no. Sure as.

[Gene]

Dude,

[Patrick]

put your shirt up. What the. All right, all right. This is. This is my favorite one, man. Some dude said, chick fil a Chick fil A employees are some dorks. Came up, Came up to my seat and asked me if I want a refill. Sure. Go fill my up. I'm getting through this.

[E]

Okay.

[Patrick]

Bad, bad. Chick fil a employees are some dorks. Came up to my seat and asked if I want a refill. Sure, go fill my up, you ass. Oh, my God, bro. Now that's crazy, bro. That's crazy. Hating on. They are nice as though for no reason. But sometimes I catch some of them, like, with the attitude, though.

[Gene]

I. I like. I think those. The ones I like to see. Like, the ones I like to interact with.

[Patrick]

Yeah.

[Gene]

Because it's like, it shows me you have a little. You got tears. Yeah, it shows me you have a little. Like. Like you're a real person. Like, you. You're not, like, holding your stress and stuff. Stuff like that.

[Patrick]

No, I get that.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

No, I get that.

[Gene]

Because I feel like when you're, like, you're too joyous, it seems more fake to me. It's like, you're not being your real self. Like, you're not. If you're a good person, just be a good person.

[Patrick]

I do catch myself mocking a chick fil a employee sometimes. Like, yeah, yeah, have a good day. Shut up. But when you go to McDonald's, you get a little attitude. You're like, yeah, that's what I want right there.

[Gene]

Yeah, you drive off, you. You have to reverse back. Like, hey, I didn't hear. Where's the. My pleasure?

[Patrick]

Well, actually, let me get one from all y'.

[G]

All.

[Gene]

No, I think Crumble Cookie is the worst.

[Patrick]

I haven't been across.

[Gene]

I haven't been in a while. But usually when you go to Crumble, they'll do the welcome to Crumble at. In unison.

[Patrick]

Oh, for real?

[Gene]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Patrick]

Oh, I'll be sick of that.

[Gene]

And they do it for every person that walks in. So, like, if somebody walks in, like, three seconds after you, they'd be like, welcome to Crumble. And it's a little thing.

[Patrick]

I wonder if anybody ever did the. A prank. Yeah, they'll just keep walking in five, every five seconds and just fill that up. And then everybody just walk out.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

And then do it again. I bet the employees just crumble. We about to crumble you up.

[Gene]

But you can tell, like, as, like, I've been There at different times before, you can tell when. This morning shift, you can tell when people have been there for a while. Yeah, the energy is a little different. It's like first like welcome to crumble. And then at some point everybody just

[Patrick]

like mumbling the words actually be fire, bro. If you, if you could go to a store or anywhere, like a restaurant and you can see how long the person has, has been working.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

Like if you go to like a Denny's and then the waitress has 14 hours above her head, you kind of know like, oh, let me whisper to her. Cuz she on one, she don't spit in my food.

[Mike]

What if it shows you how many, how many tips they got too for their hours?

[Gene]

I would, I would like to see that as well.

[Patrick]

Yeah.

[Gene]

Because then it's like, you know, sometimes you trying to. You think you're blessing somebody. Let me live like 150 tip, you know, something, something crazy. And then, and you see she's already gotten like, like a thousand dollars in tips today. I was like, bro, I'm not about to like you good for today.

[Patrick]

I'm not trying to be different. Yeah, you got a little average. We gonna keep that going? No, but I am an over tipper. And that's like, I hate that about myself. But I ran into the worst thing and I never even thought of this as a possibility. And I tipped the most money I've ever tipped. I think I just like percentage wise. Yeah, like I think I tipped like 200%.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

At a restaurant. And my waitress was pregnant. She was pregnant, bro. And she was like, she wasn't like the happy. Like this is easy to be pregnant is like I gotta do this shit for me and my son. For me and my unborn son. So I was just like this for little man. Little man gave me a fist bump to her belly.

[Gene]

We're tired of Orophon. Hey, this is Patrick Johnson who has given you a, a 300 tip. If you end up making it to the NBA, remember this moment.

[Patrick]

Why do you have a mobile sonogram? Don't worry about it. Listen here little.

[Gene]

Now you buy a sonogram, you definitely go to jail. Patrick Johnson, you're going to jail and

[Patrick]

they're gonna do a sonogram on your ass. So you like sonograms, huh? Let's see what's inside you little.

[Gene]

Oh my God, that's so crazy. I actually saw a tweet as well and it said a tweet as well.

[Patrick]

It's crazy.

[Gene]

What do you mean?

[Patrick]

You just talk like you on cnn. Mike. Mike. What's his. Ain't his name Mark from Joe Button podcast. Yeah, y' all kind of have, like, the same. The same chill. Relax. I can tell when you're right about something because you, like, start leaning back to some. Like when me and Mike argue about something, and if he hype, I know he don't know. Just, like, I don't know. So it's like. It's like don't know for don't know. Yeah. We just throwing out facts. But when he get, like, real calm. Are you sure about that? He looked it up,

[Gene]

but I think Mark way more articulate. He definitely read more books.

[Patrick]

He is dangerous. He'll, like, play dumb to, like, lead you into saying the exact thing he wants you to say, and he'll, like, go around it and he be killing them.

[Gene]

It's one of those people where you have to, like. You ever argue with somebody where you have to know everything you're arguing about and you have to actually give exact examples? I. It's. It's almost impossible to argue with those

[Patrick]

person, those people, because technically, everything can be argued.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

And if, like. And if it was, like, a known fact, then that person would know that and not have an argument for it in the first place. So it's like. It's so as soon as you. But that got to be kind of disheartening to somebody, like, on the cast, because, like, if I was talking about something and, like, Flip was responding or ish was responding, I'd be like, okay, we about to have a conversation. But for some reason, if Mark jumped in my conversation, I'd be like, oh, what I say wrong? You said 2005, right? I think so. I think so.

[Gene]

It's hard to argue with people that read books. Nah, man.

[Patrick]

You gotta pick up a book to really know that little.

[Gene]

One minute.

[Patrick]

Tick tock. Ain't gonna do it. But I know everything about Scientology, bro.

[Gene]

It was a thing. It was a tweet and said. She said if they. She said if they wanted to, they would. And it's one of those things where. But I think it comes. She's saying it from her perspective. Right. Don't you think that kind of, like, go both ways? I feel like sometimes it's always one person in a relationship waiting on somebody sometimes. Or like. Like pre relationships. So if I'm saying if he wanted to or she wanted to, she would. I feel like no one took that leap yet, you know? If you understand what I'm saying. I don't feel like Nobody took the leap yet. So, like, I feel like that sentence does. Shouldn't exist either. Because you would know your answer.

[Patrick]

Oh, yeah. If you try.

[Gene]

Yeah, yeah.

[Patrick]

Right. There has to be. That's why I don't get about people that, like, wait around for a long time. I've never waited to see if a woman is going to, like, accept me for who I am.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

Like, we're going to start a relationship. Like, you should know, if I put in this amount of effort, I know I'm very confident in myself. Like, this amount of effort deserves this type of response. And if I don't get that response, I mean, you're, like, undecided. It should be easy, move on. But people, I think, like, even then, like, that's what. That's what sucks. Like, some. Some people, guys and girls be, like, dating, and they knew from the first date that they didn't want you.

[Gene]

Yeah, yeah.

[Patrick]

But they keep dating that person to see if something changes.

[Mike]

If expectations mean reality type.

[Patrick]

Because somebody.

[Mike]

That's what they say.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Mike]

You know, if they wanted to, then they would.

[Gene]

Yeah, yeah.

[Patrick]

But it's the same thing on the other end.

[D Hutch]

Then.

[Patrick]

Yeah, somebody's probably doing that to you.

[F]

I feel like that's more of, like, an advice thing to give than, like, something to think yourself. Like, if I were talking to a friend, they're like, like, oh, like you didn't do this. Like, well, if you wanted to, he would, so. He clearly doesn't want to, so move on.

[Gene]

Yeah, I guess it is.

[Patrick]

But sometimes, like, I feel like a lot of people grow up with, like, different expectations of what somebody are. Like, I know when a woman. I literally know a woman that, like, will literally be head over heels for a dude, but if that dude does not approach them in a public setting and in public, ask that woman out on the date, she would never date that person because she feels like, if you didn't want me that bad, I never would. And that same dude that wants that girl would just be like, hey, I'm not walking up to that girl. No girl that doesn't give me any hint that she wants me.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

And you got, like, two people that want each other, but they won't do, like, the initial thing. It's so many people that fail, like, in relationships because neither one of the person wants to be vulnerable and shit. Like, go get your shit broke.

[Gene]

And I think. I think I. I've said this to people before. Like, friends, we talk about, oh, how do you handle rejection? Or something. And sometimes, like, they think I'M lying sometimes. I really have never been, like, rejected rejected. You know what I mean? Yeah, in a sense, because I'm never. I'm not the. I'm not approaching you until I'm a hundred percent sure that you like me. You know what I mean? So it's like you always just play cool until there's that, like, that clear sign. I'm not even talking about. No, like. Like, oh, she got me coffee. This though we got dinner this one time and this and that. Like, that's not. Like, it has to be something clear for me to try.

[Mike]

So who hurt you?

[Patrick]

For real? But no, I feel like.

[Gene]

No, I mean, I've gotten rejected for sure. Like middle school and stuff like that.

[Patrick]

Yeah, yeah, I seen you get rejected.

[Gene]

Like, not. You have. I didn't know you middle school.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

But I knew you when you was younger, when Barney rejected you. Got off of Barney. What you did, little fella. No, but I feel like that's. That's good self confidence that you have, because the part of it. You have to love yourself to know that you're not attracted to anyone that

[Gene]

doesn't want, like, you. Yeah.

[Patrick]

I don't get how people are attract. Like, I'm literally. I can say, Rihanna is an attractive woman.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

Respectfully to asap. And Beyonce is an attractive woman. Super respectful to black truck Jay Z. Ye. But saying that is like, I'm not currently attracted to them because I know they're not attracted to me. You gotta, like, love yourself. Like, you can't just be like, oh, I like this. You can say you like this woman. But, like, once she's known that and then she, like, turns around, she doesn't like you. If you don't love yourself enough, you'd be like, all right, I'm gonna start shifting myself and doing all these different things. And now you're on a camping trip.

[F]

Some people like the chase.

[E]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

Yes.

[F]

You get adrenaline from it.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

Correct.

[Gene]

Some people like to chase.

[Patrick]

Yeah. That's like some devil for real, that chase. Like, bro, come on now.

[Gene]

No, I think it does. It will get exhausting after a while, but I also think the older you get, the more exhausting it probably gets.

[H]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Especially when it's like, that's how it starts.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Type.

[Patrick]

But you also start meeting. You also start meeting different type of people. You ever, like, met a woman and she reminds you of another woman, man. And you're like, nah, no, I've been there before, man.

[Gene]

There's some, like, not dating. No bar.

[Patrick]

Nobody stand up to 4am I'm sorry. Y' all working, baby. No, I'm sorry. I'm in the back with all the guys. We're having a twer contest. Just you and all the guys? Yes.

[G]

Yes.

[Patrick]

I'm the only one that wants to compete.

[G]

What the.

[Gene]

But I think it's also not saying that you shouldn't. Like, because some woman might not give you. Or some guys might not give you a clear sign that they like you and stuff like that. But I feel like once you express that and like, you. If whoever expressed that person, is it not reciprocated by saying being and stuff like that? But. But just know, like, you can still be friends after that. Because I think the one thing you have to be careful too, especially in guy girl relationships, if you're just keeping it platonic is like, if you're gonna take that leap of faith, you gotta know that it may never. Your friendship might change forever if you take that leap. Yeah.

[Patrick]

I got some friends that are. That are women.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

We've never crossed that.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Ever.

[Patrick]

And they just like. I feel like that's very good. Because I feel like we did. We could never go back.

[Gene]

Exactly.

[Patrick]

It just. To me, you can never go back. It's like once somebody expresses like. Like, oh, I was attracted to you at some point. Like, it's over. Way too. Looking for your Resist. What if I do this? What if I pose like this? Does it come back to you?

[Gene]

I. I think I. I can eliminate that.

[F]

Huh.

[Gene]

I feel like I can.

[Patrick]

Yes.

[Gene]

Detach myself like that, but I don't.

[Patrick]

I feel like that's not fair.

[E]

Fair.

[Patrick]

I feel like saying I can eliminate it when there's two people involved.

[Gene]

Exactly.

[Patrick]

It's unfair. It's like, can you eliminate it with the other person? Because technically, if you eliminate it and the other person doesn't, then it's not eliminated.

[Gene]

Exactly.

[Patrick]

They still want to you. I don't want to.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Patrick]

Nothing's changed over here.

[Gene]

Okay. I guess.

[Patrick]

It has been a while,

[Gene]

but we're still friends. Hey, remember, before we do this, friends forever.

[Patrick]

Let me see your bracelet.

[G]

Real.

[Patrick]

Remember this?

[Gene]

No.

[Patrick]

Take everything but the bracelet off. Kidding. I'm kidding.

[Gene]

I'm kidding.

[Patrick]

Keep your shirt on. No.

[E]

No.

[Patrick]

Dead.

[D Hutch]

It's.

[Patrick]

It's literally over. Don't do it. Keep your friendships.

[Gene]

Yeah. Keep your friendships.

[Patrick]

I'm telling you.

[Gene]

Unless you're. Unless you. You know, some people start off as friends, and then it becomes more than friends and it actually works out.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

I literally just saw a tick tock like that. Like this girl she went through, like, all these different life things, and this guy was there the whole time. And then they moved apart for the first time, and then they end up moving back to the same state, reconnected and started dating. And they got married. They got, like, two kids. So it's like I. I see stuff like that, but I also view that stuff is porn.

[Gene]

What?

[Patrick]

Like, that's porn, bro.

[F]

Like, it's unrealistic.

[Patrick]

It's so unrealistic. Like, you got people that will see that and then turn around to their best friend of a decade. Like, look, they did it. It's like, no, that is rare. Like, people don't realize, like, that is like, that's a destined couple. Like, God wanted that couple to get together. God doesn't want you two together or he would have been dead.

[F]

A Florida man tried to rob a Waffle House with finger guns. And he was stealing nothing but napkins while pointing his finger guns at the workers.

[Patrick]

Just his finger. Did he have it behind? He probably had it behind something, right? That's what. When we talking about.

[Gene]

We just talked about that too.

[Patrick]

They gotta show me the gun,

[Mike]

bro.

[Patrick]

Yeah, you got to shoot me once.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

Shoot me in my foot.

[Gene]

You're gonna go back to. You can be like, yeah, I robbed this one dude, Pat, and I. I didn't even have a gun. I punked him out of it.

[D Hutch]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

All I did was finger him. You know what I talk about?

[Gene]

What else we got for news of the week?

[Mike]

I think people are sensitive. I would have just gave them napkins.

[Patrick]

No, real.

[Gene]

What?

[Patrick]

There's some that I would like. If somebody robbed me for something specifically.

[G]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

Then it's. I would definitely give that up easier. Like, oh, you want my phone? Go ahead. You want. But there's certain things that, like, I got pride about. Like, if somebody's tried to steal my son's bike, I gotta die about that. You know what I'm saying? It's like the principle. That's worse than a chain snatching your son bike.

[Gene]

What the.

[Patrick]

You got your son crying. My bike.

[Gene]

Dad.

[Patrick]

Dad, I'm. Go get it.

[Mike]

Go ahead, G. They got some crazy merch out. Sydney Sweeney selling soap made of her bath water.

[Patrick]

Interesting.

[Gene]

Oh, it was. It was a. It was a collab with a.

[F]

With Sasquatch.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[G]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

Who is Sasquatch?

[Gene]

It's a soap company.

[F]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

Interesting. With her. You think that's her real bath water?

[Gene]

I think they actually made it with her bath water.

[Patrick]

So what are they doing?

[Gene]

I think it was limited. Like, she probably took a Bath with the soap.

[Patrick]

What is she on, like, a crane and she just getting dipped? Just dipping her body in it?

[F]

I just wonder how that's legal, because, like, she's.

[D Hutch]

She's.

[Gene]

She's with it.

[F]

I know, but you, like, can't sell, like, things like that on ebay or anything like that. Like, if you got, like, a strand of Beyonce's hair and tried to sell it on ebay, you. They would take it down.

[H]

You can't.

[Mike]

It's not licensed.

[Gene]

It's not licensed because. Because Beyonce is not allowing it. Yeah, Beyonce wouldn't allow it.

[Patrick]

I never thought she could make a lot of money like that.

[Gene]

So what do we think about the people that are buying?

[Mike]

That's what I was gonna say. So are women buying it or men? What do you think?

[Gene]

It's a man's soap.

[D Hutch]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

Wow.

[F]

Well, I saw something on Tick Tock that men were actually cutting holes in the soap.

[Gene]

Oh, my God, we are coolers.

[Patrick]

Is so stupid. So stupid. It's, like, counterproductive.

[Gene]

Yeah. Eyes burning. And I used to think I was gonna go blind when soap got in my eye when I was a kid.

[Patrick]

The first time it ever happened. The first time I was. I promise you, I. I l. I legit told my mom that I had a stroke while I was taking a shower. I got soap in my eyes and I couldn't see, and I hit my funny bone for, like, the first time. At the same time, I was literally in, like, the bathtub, sizzling, twisting around,

[Gene]

and a bull worm.

[Patrick]

You know that you think you're about to die when you don't actually scream loud enough for help?

[Gene]

You kind of just like.

[Patrick]

Because you're like, there's no point in me call. I'm already dead, so I might as well freak out as much as I can. Because you feel like that'll, like. Because if you think you're. I'm just saying, like, okay, if somebody was like, yo, this building might explode in 15 seconds, right? You're not going to make, like, any. You're not going to do anything out of body. Like, you might rush a little bit more to get up out of here and stuff like that. It just be like, yo, this building is motion sensor, and anybody that moves the building's going to explode. We might see, like, all three of us might start hyperventilating, and Paige might just offer.

[Gene]

I was thinking, too.

[Patrick]

It's not on your.

[Gene]

I was thinking, too, what's so comparable to, like, think about when I was a kid, too, but, like, this is comparable to whippets to me is that when you're angry at your parents and they tell you to shut up and you, you're angry and you're like that angry, you want to cry, bro, you get so lightheaded holding that them tears in and that anger in.

[Patrick]

So let me tell you what I used to do.

[Gene]

My mom's room, she's got lightheaded doing that now.

[Patrick]

My mom's room was right next to my room. So when I got in trouble and she like, whatever she did to punish me ain't gonna put her out there. She just beat the out of me. So her, our, our walls were touching. So I used to go to that wall and when I could hear on this side the of room, like shut up, shut up.

[E]

Like

[Patrick]

shut up, but shut up. Yeah, sure. I used to like tap the wall. Like yeah, bro, one time she called me like cuz I had to stand on my bed to do it. She caught me up there and I just started leading up against the walls. What's up man? You say clean. Clean downstairs.

[Gene]

Okay, bro. That was like real, real life stress reliever as a kid. Like just punching something like the wall or the, the bed something. Or screaming into a pillow break. Screaming into a pillow. I used to scream into the pillow all the time or as I wanted to curse. You don't even want to say like really loud like fre. Oh my gosh, bro.

[Patrick]

They made a scream into a pillow. He said I need to get to that pillow.

[Gene]

Nah, this man. Oh man, I did one time. I did practice kissing a mirror when I was a kid.

[Patrick]

I feel like everybody. Yeah, you gotta practice.

[Gene]

You gotta like, you like practice on my hand and then what do you call it? I think with the thing is that once I, I had to like when I was practicing on the mirror you got. I kind of peeked because I was trying to see how I look with my eye. So I was speaking like, you know, you barely see like this.

[Patrick]

How my lips look. That's crazy.

[Mike]

Is it weird if I. I didn't learn to. To kiss with my eyes closed?

[Gene]

You didn't you an open eye kisser? What the open.

[Mike]

One of my first serious girlfriend friends was like, I had to close my eyes. I didn't really like.

[Patrick]

Oh, she told you to close your eyes.

[Gene]

Yeah. At least. Let's see. The thing is that it's better when those things happen when you're young because it's like everybody's ignorant.

[Patrick]

Yeah.

[Gene]

Like if you're doing that like in your 20s, it's like all right, bro.

[Mike]

I mean it's still like you still do that sometimes.

[Gene]

I mean, I peeked before to kind of see what they like. I like kind of look when they're closing eyes.

[Patrick]

But I always look to see if she looking. Are you looking at.

[Gene]

They caught her Weird. Exactly.

[Patrick]

The up.

[Gene]

That's some gaslighting that I'm only looking cuz. You can't be wrong in those situations.

[Patrick]

You looking at as soon as she open her eyes. Yeah, that's the. The out unfaithful.

[Gene]

So you don't trust me.

[Patrick]

Trust issues. I see.

[D Hutch]

Hu.

[Gene]

Glad I caught really. Oh, man. Anyway, that's been crash dummies episode 214. 214. Make sure you guys subscribe to the Patreon. What else we got announced? Anybody have anything coming up?

[Patrick]

Merch design is. Is dope.

[Gene]

Yeah, Patreon people in the chat, they saw it.

[Patrick]

Oh, yeah. So y' all get to see it soon. Make sure y' all get your merch. Don't be afraid to get your merch.

[Gene]

I need to put like a time cap on when I should get it. Definitely before the end of this month. If everything blame Gene.

[Mike]

You can always blame Gene.

[Gene]

Yeah, you can always. That's the easiest person to blame.

[Patrick]

Wait, wait. Somebody did DM us and. And they cussed out Gene?

[Mike]

Yeah, we'll see if we can get him on a call.

[Patrick]

Yeah, they call Gene a ass, so

[Gene]

I'm actually gonna call him and see.

[Patrick]

Yeah, we gotta see if he has the same energy.

[Gene]

All right.