Where’s It At? - Episode 266

Summary

Crash Dummies Podcast – Episode 266: “Where’s It At?” (July 8, 2026)

Overview

In Episode 266, “Where’s It At?”, hosts Patrick Johnson (Pat) and Michael Esiobu (Mike) bring their signature irreverent humor and candid conversational style to a new set of wild hypotheticals, everyday dilemmas, and hilarious listener call-ins. Alongside frequent guest Gene, the duo covers everything from the existential seriousness of shitting in public, to America’s overconsumption, to deeply unserious (and super explicit) relationship predicaments. Listeners are treated to a blend of current event banter, relationship confessions, hypothetical “would you rather” millions, and calls that range from heartbreak to chaos—all with the signature Crash Dummies comedic twist.

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Key Discussion Points and Memorable Segments

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1. “The Public Poop Principle”

[00:00–05:15]

• Pat opens with his firmly held belief that if you have to poop in the club, your night should be over:
  • “If I gotta take a shit, my night’s over with. Your night should be done.” (Pat, 01:12)
• The crew debates situational appropriateness for pooping—at clubs, on planes, and the social anxiety factor.
• Mike shares his (rare) plane pooping experience on an international flight, and the comfort of anonymity among strangers.

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2. Touring, Bragging, and Joey Chestnut

[06:23–12:50]

• Quick tour update: Miami and New York dates are live; other cities pending.
• Mike and Pat riff on American competitive eating, led by Joey Chestnut and the lack of “worthy rivals.”
  • “Do you think it counts as being, like, the greatest in something if your sport is very niche?” (Mike, 10:14)
• Pat laments the lack of challenge, comparing competitive eating’s decline in drama to Michael Jordan’s “plumber era.”

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3. America vs. “Foreigners” and Opportunity

[11:27–14:49]

• The hosts riff on American pessimism vs. immigrant optimism.
• Funny story: Pat recounts “foreigners” taking initiative at his apartment barbecue, compared to hesitant Americans.
• Pat reflects on his Filipino girlfriend’s boldness (“She’ll walk right in there and walk out with the item.” 13:56)

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4. Gender, Brunch, and Social Codes

[16:43–18:52]

• Is “brunch” a feminine term? Pat and Mike break down male discomfort with calling a guy’s meetup “brunch.”
  • “Men don’t say that...It’s just not in our lingo.” (Pat, 18:22)
• Pat says for women, “brunch” = drinks, mimosas, and “getting dick after.”

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5. Absurd Internet “What Ifs” (LeBron Saves France?)

[19:44–21:32]

• Mike introduces viral alternate-history videos (“Can 2018 LeBron prevent France from falling to Nazi Germany?”)
• Pat theorizes LeBron would change history just through his athletic distraction.

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6. Country vs. Team: Sports Loyalty

[21:32–23:16]

• The hosts confess they’d rather see their favorite team win than Team USA, exploring personal vs. national loyalties.
  • “I’m American though. The Lions, a medal—nah, I’m picking the Lions.” (Pat, 21:49)

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7. Fireworks, Brawls, and Kid Culture

[23:38–26:33]

• Fourth of July talk: Pat says fireworks are about sound, not visuals, and reminisces about all-day hood fireworks.
• Gene and Mike debate how boredom affects today’s youth (vs. their own after-school activities), and how “kids have too much on their phones.”

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8. Relationship Repair Packages (Listener Shoutouts)

[26:35–28:18]

• A listener asks the hosts to shout-out her husband for his birthday; Pat and Mike use this as a premise to “therapeutically” address couples who listen together, scripting an apology on their behalf.

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9. Caller Chaos – Explicit Relationship Advice

[30:00–42:14]

— Micro-penis Conundrums

• A caller details her loving, long-distance relationship with a man she met in 2020, but with a twist: his “member” is smaller than expected.
  • “If you stack two AAA batteries on top...that’s it, fully erect.” (Caller, 33:47)
• She asks for advice: should she broach toys or extensions for their sex life?
  • “Ain’t much manhood to a…” (Pat, 39:42)
• Pat, Mike, and Gene assure her: open conversation is key, and she’s already proven her realness by sticking around.
  • “He got somebody that love him. He winning.” (Pat, 36:12)

— Pet Mishap Mourning

[43:13–47:59]

• A listener grieves his pet turtle, decapitated by the gardener. (“My turtle ran away...the head was on the basketball court.” Caller, 44:31). Crew jokes about pet-owner competence.

— Dating & Physical Attractiveness

[49:36–55:05]

• A woman recounts a date with a “big man” who lifted his chest to wipe sweat. She confesses it triggered her ick, but the hosts check her on body shaming: “You chose him.”

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10. “Embarrassed to Admit...” Story Callers

[56:24–81:49]

Multiple callers share therapy-level secrets—ranging from a meta-glasses sex tape going viral (and to his dad), a guy trying to heal from his ex joining the military and leaving him, to an absolutely wild confession about an ex eating his own semen during sex (“I was like, that was kind of pretty gay...He finished in me, then went down. It was all over my ... and he just went full throttle.” Caller, 74:34–76:04).

Memorable quotes:

• “If you want a job done good, do it yourself. Way too literally.” (Mike, 76:33)
• “You freaky, bro. You’re an enabler.” (Pat to a caller, 81:08)

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11. Hypothetical Millionaire Dilemmas

[84:16–93:33]

Pat lists increasingly wild millionaire sacrifices for hypothetical money:

• $500M: No TV forever?
• $600M: Can only eat vegetables for life?
• $700M: No texting, only calls?
• $800M: Never leave your house?
• $1B: Can’t marry anyone—gotta divorce if married?
• $1.5B: Spend rest of life in jail? No one’s taking the last options. Hilarious debate over what’s really “worth it”—and the mental loopholes you’d try.

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12. Guy’s Night Logistics & Relationship Management

[94:28–99:21]

• Mike’s formula: always do something with your girl before guys’ night.
• Pat: “If you said this to a nigga on the street...” There’s a double standard in how much guilt men accept.
• Gene shares how his girlfriend expects landmark selfies on road trips (“drive past the Statue of Liberty and not send a picture?” 98:28)

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13. Men Smoking Hookah & Social Judgement

[100:28–102:15]

• Pat gripes about men who “walk and talk” with hookah in hand.
• “Do your little hookah and then come back to the conversation.” (Pat, 101:31)

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14. Community, Support, and Glazing Accusations

[102:15–103:46]

• Segment on how supporting the podcast online gets called “glazing” (overpraising/riding). The guys see it as healthy community banter: “Checks and balances.”

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15. Mysterious Hustles & Adult Advice

[103:46–107:19]

• Social media flexers with “mysterious income” vs. just saying you’ve got a normal job.
• Mike’s advice to kids: “Stay in school.” But the realities of chasing content creator dreams vs. working in waste management.

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Notable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• “If I gotta take a shit, my night’s over with. Your night should be done.” (Pat, 01:12)
• “You chose him. You can’t body shame him now.” (Mike, 51:29)
• “If you stack two AAA batteries on top…that’s it, fully erect.” (Caller, 33:47)
• “You freaky, bro. You’re an enabler.” (Pat, 81:08)
• “Why you think I got the mask on?” (Pat, 100:50, about thrift store mustiness)
• “They were scared of the dick. That’s why they ain’t dick ride, bro.” (Pat, 103:42)
• “Stay in school, kids.” (Mike, 106:05)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Segment | Time | |--------------------------------------------------|-------------| | Club bathroom “poop rules” | 00:00–05:15 | | Joey Chestnut & American culture | 06:25–12:50 | | “Brunch” and male language | 16:43–18:52 | | Alternate history: LeBron vs. Nazi Germany | 19:44–21:32 | | Relationship dilemmas (micro-penis) | 30:00–42:14 | | Pet chaos (turtle story) | 43:13–47:59 | | Physical attraction & body shaming | 49:36–55:05 | | “Embarrassed to Admit” relationship stories | 56:24–81:49 | | Hypothetical millions: what would you give up? | 84:16–93:33 | | Guy’s night strategies | 94:28–99:21 | | Community: “glazing” accusations and support | 102:15–103:46 |

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Tone & Style

The episode is loose, frantic, and highly explicit, especially during listener calls. Humor is raw and unfiltered, with a lot of jokes at each other’s (and callers’) expense, but also a surprising undertone of empathy and realness, especially when addressing personal or vulnerable topics.

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Conclusion

“Where’s It At?” is a Crash Dummies episode in peak form: wild confessions, streetwise wisdom, zero filter. Whether breaking down the existential misery of club pooping, nuking taboos around sexual frustration, or unpacking why fireworks always seem to spark a brawl, Pat, Mike, and crew hold court on the humorous chaos of everyday life.

Transcript

[Pat]

I guess, like, you know, people been getting on me because usually at the beginning of days, like, oh, are you starting it off so freaky and just like this shit, like, it just sound freaky, you know I'm saying.

[Mike]

And what you say? I'm trying to think about what you said that was freaky.

[Pat]

Anywho, so. But the other day I was in the men's bathroom, right? And it was at a club, okay. And you know the club rocking. You know, you got guest DJs in there, is a very popular night at the club, and I go and use the bathroom, and it's a bathroom that has four stalls and two urinals.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Pat]

And the stalls are working kind of fast because people are in and out, they peeing, going to wash their hands, blah, blah. The dude in front of me goes into an open stall, and then I end up after it opens up, going into the stall next to him and I hear this nigga taking a shit. So now I've already identified who he is. And like, we end up washing our hands at the similar time and. And I'm just watching him go around the club, bro. He's shaking niggas up, he back to dancing, bottle popping. And my rule is if I got to take a shit, my night's over with, right?

[Mike]

Yeah, I feel it.

[Pat]

Your night should be done like you took a shit. That's what happened when little kids take a shit out, like, the day's over. Yeah, usually.

[Mike]

Because my. My thing is like, I usually take shits when I have to take a shower, right? And that's like my.

[Pat]

At the end of the day, you're done.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pat]

There's no reason, like, if you go and take a.

[Gene]

Right.

[Pat]

If you. First of all, you should be only at the club. I don't care like, how often you club, what time you go to the club. You got a max of like 2 hours and 30 minutes in there. Like at the club, you shouldn't be in there longer than that.

[Mike]

It depends what type of club it is.

[Pat]

Two and a half hours we've been at places.

[Mike]

There's four hours, bro. And that was fun.

[Pat]

When the I ever been in place

[Mike]

for four hours in New York. We were out there for a minute, man.

[Pat]

That's New York and we're not from there. I'm saying if you in your hometown.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

[Pat]

I have you visiting.

[Mike]

Go ahead. You can take a shit. To different. Some of you saying that you move the goalpost a lot in conversations.

[Pat]

To what? To my. For myself.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

So what this is my podcast. The thing about me is, like, if you actually ask me to acknowledge what I'm doing, I'll admit to it, and then I'll continue doing this because it's just like, we on this floating rock.

[Gene]

Why would I?

[Caller 1]

You know what I'm saying?

[Pat]

I got to act correct for some niggas wrong with these. Stop taking shits in the bathroom unless it's me. How about that? Don't be taking those shits and then come back and thinking everything good because. Because you knew you should have took a before that. There's time to take a. That's usually if I know I'm going out, I'm taking a. Yeah. And usually when I come back from the club, late night, I don't have to. So it's just like, you after the club.

[Mike]

It depends.

[Pat]

I think it was excited.

[Mike]

No.

[Caller 2]

Yes.

[Mike]

It depends because I usually take a shower. It says, I'm gonna shower. I feel like that's like,

[Pat]

you ain't have a good night.

[Mike]

It depends what I ate too.

[Pat]

I'm not even making.

[Mike]

So 1. This is my first time ever on a plane.

[Pat]

You it on a plane?

[Mike]

Yes, bro.

[Pat]

Oh, that was an international flight.

[Mike]

Yes. But I, I, I didn't. I hardly even pee on planes. Like, I don't like getting standing up and yeah, on the way there, perfectly fine. On the way back, my stomach was just, like, turned because you never noticed, like, something with me, I don't know, this happens to other people. But anytime I travel and I'm not in, like, my environment, sometimes I go a day without shitting. Like a couple, and it'll be like two days and I ain't take a. And I'd be like, oh, I didn't. And then you start to realize it. And I think that happened towards the end of the trip when I was in Amsterdam. So I was only there for four days. And I think that happened. Yeah, I had to get up. I get up. I was like, I moved. I went there the first time. I was like, nah, I'm not gonna do it. I went to the bathroom like three times. Like, nah, I'm not gonna do it. And I actually did it. And it was just like. I think it's more about finding the, the appropriate time. Once I saw everybody, I was like, kind of lean back. And I was in business class on the way back. So it's like I felt a little

[Pat]

bit more little business, a little more reason.

[Mike]

Cuz, like, it's only the bathroom that well, it's like 18, 20 people that can use that bathroom. Really?

[Pat]

Yeah, yeah. Elite.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was like, okay, this might be the appropriate time. And I did. And then, I don't know, it was nice because somebody else went right after me, and it was a guy. So it's like, whatever happens now, if it smelled bad or whatever, it's on him.

[Pat]

That's what I'm saying. If I'm in business class and I know that, I like the point you made because that's where it gets you for the whole shit, like, how comfortable you are taking that shit. And it's based off the people that you look at after you come out the bathroom. And, like, the older. Older people are. That makes me not give a fuck. If it's, like, an old black man and a black woman, I'm like, I know you would take a shit, too. Y' all probably got diapers on right now. You know what I'm saying? If it's an old white man, old white woman, I don't give a fuck. But it's like, when it's people my age and I know, like, those are the people that's, like, hyper vigilant, like, okay, bro, you took a shit, man. My nigga. And you like, that's a nigga that can find me on ig. Like, nah, I'm about to find this nigga ig.

[Mike]

This nigga.

[Pat]

Shit.

[Mike]

I would notice that about somebody going to the bathroom, they're gone for a minute.

[Pat]

I was like, damn, yeah, gone. Long as hell they ain't going wrong.

[Gene]

I walk out the bathroom rubbing my stomach.

[Mike]

That's not what we're doing.

[Pat]

Hello.

[Mike]

The radio is for people who are driving.

[Caller 1]

I'll drive.

[Mike]

Welcome to Crash Zombies podcast. Anyway. Welcome to Crash Dummies, episode 266. This is your first time listening. Make sure you subscribe. We started the podcast with a conversation, so that's how we kind of rock over here. Make sure you guys subscribe to patreon. It is 50 off this month. Merch is out, and we have some live shows. There are live already. I think Miami and New York are

[Pat]

live, so I just stopped teasing them, bro.

[Mike]

Yeah, but it's live. It's on.

[Pat]

No, I know it's live, but stop. Stop teasing them, bro. Just. Just let them know how many more

[Mike]

days coming, because a lot more we're going to. I can even see if I can see some of them. Yeah, Nothing is official yet from people.

[Pat]

Yeah. After this. Yeah.

[Gene]

Sacramento.

[Pat]

That's not. That's probably the one that's.

[Mike]

Yeah, we don't know. Not.

[Pat]

We don't know about.

[Mike]

Yeah, we don't know about San Francisco. So this is what happened. This. We can actually ask the. The listeners for help. So our management is looking for locations in San Francisco and Sacramento, and right now it's not looking good, but we do have a San Jose date we can do. So all my Sacramento and San Francisco. Are y' all willing to drive to San Jose?

[Pat]

All my. All my sand niggas.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Mike]

But, yeah, I think we're going to be in la. This. Some of the days might not be live yet on the website on crashdummieslive.com but make sure you guys keep checking in. We're going to be in. In LA on the 23rd of August. September 11th. We're going to be in New York, September 12th. DC, September 13th. September 13th.

[Pat]

No, but skipping over that is like. It's worse than laughing to me. Acknowledge it.

[Mike]

No, no, I'm not acknowledging it.

[Pat]

It's a crazy time to be in New York.

[Mike]

No, that's not. It's actually. I feel like I've been in New York on those dates a lot.

[Pat]

Which date, though? Not September one, right?

[Mike]

September, yes, the other time, because it

[Gene]

was like twice together.

[Mike]

Twice. Yes.

[Pat]

Weird as hell. I watch these.

[Mike]

San Antonio, September 22nd, Dallas, September 24th, Houston, 26th of September. And then we're gonna be in Florida, October 1st, Orlando, October 2nd, Tampa, October 3rd, Miami. And then for our UK, our London men. So October 16th through 8th, women, a man's everybody. But we'll be London, October 16th, Manchester, October 17th, and Birmingham, October 18th. Again, all these dates are not locked in. This is just some days we have in. The only days they're probably locked in as we speak right now is Miami and New York.

[Pat]

That's all we know. Miami, New York, that's all you need to know right now.

[Mike]

Get your merch. This tour, we're probably gonna have some tour exclusive merch as well. So make sure you get your merch half off patreon. Subscribe to YouTube. Follow us on all platforms and all our socials.

[Caller 3]

Boom.

[Mike]

Now let's get to the podcast.

[Pat]

That was a lot. That's probably the information we needed, though, to get it started.

[Mike]

Shout out to Joey Chestnut, fourth of July.

[Gene]

Okay.

[Mike]

I'm just saying. I saw a graph of it said like Joey, Michael Jordan, Babe Ruth and like some other like, like wayne Gretzky. Some 17 titles combined together. And I think Joy Chestnut hit like,

[Pat]

oh, he won again.

[Mike]

Yeah, he won. Of course, bro.

[Pat]

What happened to the Asian dude that used to like rival him, he ain't got no good rivalries no more.

[Mike]

So it's just like said Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky and Babe Ruth combined 17 titles. Joey Chestnut, hot dog eating contest titles, 18.

[Pat]

Yeah. I just don't. I just don't fuck with it no more because to me, there's not a big enough challenger, which, like, they don't got a rival. But it leads me to believe that people aren't working on it anymore. People are just finding out, like, damn, I can eat a lot. Let me go try to be in the hot dog eating contest. And it's like for that human, they can't eat a lot. But I know they're not training year round because back when Joey Chestnut first started doing it and he had all those rivals like that, I think he lost one year. That big black dude. I think he lost to the Asian one year and shit like that shit. Almost had his. We almost went to war over that shit.

[Mike]

But they had a 30 for 30 with Joey Chestnut doing like exercises like he had like weights on his. Like, like he was like fake swallowing and doing like throw exercises basically.

[Pat]

No, I get it, but just like, I just feel like the, the sport

[Mike]

is not enough competition.

[Pat]

Lost his soul. That's for real. This is not eating no more. Especially not eating. No.

[Mike]

Do you think it counts as being like the greatest in something if your sport is very niche?

[Pat]

Not if it's televised. Like, I still give him credit for that. Like, not if it's televised because there's always haters.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

And you got to think how many haters saw Joey Chestnut and we're just like, yo, he ain't got no competition. I'm about to start training for this.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

You know what I'm saying?

[Mike]

But I think that people discount people when they're like, you don't have enough competition. Like, do you know that the old thing is like Michael Jordan was wearing, playing plumbers and. And people that had nine to five jobs or something like that. So.

[Pat]

Yeah. But it's just more about like being pushed. Like, I would love to see.

[Mike]

I do think there's more competition now than there was back then. And like, in terms of basketball, I don't think it's just like different circumstances. Yeah, yeah. It's a lot more resources are out there for people that want to actually play basketball.

[Pat]

That nigga training, making his throat bigger. Like,

[Mike]

they got the lemonade drinking contest too.

[Pat]

Then they get too far gone.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Crazy.

[Mike]

The big black dude that keep winning. There's Another person that kept throwing up. America. We just like, over. It's just like over consumption. It's just so prevalent in our country, bro. Let it celebrate it.

[Pat]

It's literally country. That's why I say people, people from other countries, I. I've. I'm starting to with them more and more. Like, as like seeing them in America, I pay attention to them a lot more Like, Americans disgust me. You know what I'm saying?

[Gene]

The culture is crazy because that is the culture. Yeah, Hot dog eating.

[Pat]

Yeah, but.

[Mike]

But America, but not in those Slavic. It'd be like MMA fights versus, like one man versus 20 women.

[Caller 4]

Like that.

[Pat]

That's real entertainment. But just like, bro, like I'm saying, like, I'm saying like, America's disgust me because we all have like these passive aggressive ways. We all like, I feel like we got a more of Americans. We kind of got that. It's pessimistic vibes. Yeah, like, no, we can't do that. We can't do that. Like, yesterday I had like, we're the

[Mike]

most, like, this is like the most optimistic country.

[Pat]

No, I'm saying, like, as far as like, belief. Exact. It is. It's a country that you should be optimistic because we got crazy opportunities. But look how many people just be like, nah, I can't do that. I can't do that. Where as soon as somebody from another country come over here, they like, I can do all this. But you see them, because they just take opportunity and they not afraid to embarrass themselves. Like, there'll be a time like, okay, if, like yesterday I had a bunch of food out for the 4th of July on this table in. In our studio building on the rooftop.

[Mike]

And so much random detail.

[Pat]

I mean, what the. So, like, and. And it was sunny, and I had snow legger playing in the background. Like, money everywhere and on. You know what I'm saying? And it's like. But people walk by. Like Americans walk by, and it kind of looked like it was set up for the apartment building. And. And people walk by and we're just like, yo, whose food is this? And we're just like, oh, that's ours. It's like our own personal thing. It was like, ah, man, some foreigners walked up and started making a burger. And by the time I told him, like, hey, yo, that's our food. Already had his hands on a bun and I had to let this finish making his burger, you know what I'm saying? Like, grab the. Like, they don't play that. It's like the opportunity there is like and you know my like my girlfriend's Filipino and she be making me do. I don't want to do like it'd be like, like on the Internet it say like they close at 9 o'. Clock.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Pat]

And it's like 8:59. She's like they open. And I'm like no no no. They probably close this shit.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

She'll walk right in there and walk out with the item. I'm like how the not it. But they don't with you. But they still gotta make it though. Listen, it's easy to put off doctor's appointments, jumping through hoops with the nurses office assistance to get appointments scheduled and finding a place that works best for you. It's an endless phone tag game only to finally call and find out the next opening is months away. And recently I've wanted to switch dentists and find a good dentist close to where I live, but I've had so much trouble.

[Mike]

We don't want our listeners to have to go through the headache either. And this is why we partner with ZocDoc as they solve this frustrating part of that experience. ZocDoc lets you search and compare local in network doctors. They have more than 150,000 providers within 200/ specialties across all 50 states. Plus Zocdoc's website has tons of reviews from real patients and detailed doctor profiles. To help you choose the right one, see actual appointment openings and click to instantly book a visit.

[Pat]

Also, zocdoc is free to use your health matters and taking care of yourself shouldn't be complicated. Find and book the right doctor with Zocdoc. Head to Zocdoc.com crash to get started and check that appointment off your to do list. That's zocdoc. That's Z O c D o c dot com Crash yo let's take a quick break from today's podcast to thank the sponsor of the episode Baskin Lather. When I was younger, I used to have the same shampoo for my hair and my beard. Just for the convenience, one bottle to make it simpler for me in the mornings. I didn't even know there were beer specific shampoos or hair care products. Then I discovered a full range of Baskin Lather beer products that are tailored to your facial hair needs.

[Mike]

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[Pat]

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[Mike]

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[Pat]

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[Mike]

I saw a thing on Internet, I guess a thread by a1d just though it said is there another word for brunch that sounds less feminine? And I think I came up with one.

[Pat]

Brunch sounds feminine I guess to.

[Mike]

To them.

[Pat]

But okay.

[Mike]

Calories with the boys for brunch.

[Pat]

Yeah, but how does that relate to like what describes brunch as. Because brunch is a combination of calories

[Mike]

with the boys, bro.

[Pat]

Breakfast and lunch.

[Mike]

Calor boys.

[Gene]

I don't know. Like lefus Lex.

[Pat]

Where the L coming from?

[Mike]

From the lunch pre lunch.

[Pat]

Oh le. Wait, lunch pre lunch, pre lunch, pre lunch, bro.

[Mike]

About to get some pre lunch pre lunch.

[Pat]

Sound like y' all trying to behind y' all girls, bro. You want to get pre lunch with me? Like two that's about to gobble each other up. I'm out. Just not my preference, man.

[Mike]

It's just funny how like people think things sound like more masculine and less feminine. It's like I feel like some people are just very uncomfortable with their women.

[Pat]

I will say I can say that

[Mike]

you want brunch, but I wouldn't say brunch. I don't exactly. I just would have said the name of the place.

[Pat]

Men don't say that. Like if I was going to somebody and somebody like yo, what you doing today? And like us three, we was going to go get breakfast at a spot that serves breakfast all day. And it was 11:30.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

I'd be, like, going to get something to eat with Mike and Gene. And I probably even stated I might add something in there. Like, oh, it's going to be a business meeting, too. You know, I'm saying just to make it seem more intricate. I would never say I'm going to brunch with a bunch of niggas, but that don't make it feminine. It's just like. It's just not in our lingo. Like, oh, we about to get brunch together. Unless I'm describing it, I would, like, legit.

[Mike]

Just describe the place. I'd be like, hey, y' all trying to get something from, like, with a place called Sweet Dining. Y' all want to get sweet diner? Like 11:30? I said that.

[Pat]

But brunch. But brunch for a group of women, to me, from my perspective, means something totally different. Like, y' all want to get brunch. Brunch, that means like, drinks, mimosa.

[Mike]

And I feel like it has to be more than four people.

[Pat]

And all the memes. And all the me and all the memes, too.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Pat]

They're just like, oh, seeing my man. Like, you ever see the dude, he playing a video game and it's like seeing my man after brunch, and then it's a girl drunk and she wants some dick, and then she snatched a nigga off the table or some shit like that. It's just like, that's what I feel like brunch is. That's for, like, you getting dick out there. Tell me you want to get brunch. Amen. I know what you do it after this. About to go get some dick, man. No shout out to Tommy, but he sent me this. It was. It's just funny the. That you find on YouTube, right? And there's a YouTube video that says, Can LeBron save France? So what do you think the subtitle is?

[Caller 3]

I don't know.

[Mike]

I feel like I've seen the titles like that, though. It's like, if LeBron was born in, like, the 1800s or something like that, could he save, like, Rome? The Rome or some like that? Okay, what's the subtitle say?

[Pat]

Can 2018 LeBron prevent France from falling to Nazi Germany during World War II?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

See those videos, bro. What the is going on last I'll be saying, bro.

[Mike]

Those are the fun rabbit holes to get into, though.

[Pat]

No, but they'd be making some, like, some linear thoughts yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

Like some very funny, like, stuff that don't make sense, but then they still find a way to connect it and make it make sense.

[Pat]

Yes.

[Mike]

Like they're gonna use this athleticism to like to, you know, make a point at some. Somewhere, some way.

[Pat]

But if you take 2018 LeBron, right? No, like, this is not even trying to be. Okay, that's some real. You 18 LeBron. And for some reason, basketball. Basketball is going to get popular with 2018 LeBron, no matter where it's at. Let's say LeBron has the knowledge to also teach everybody how to play basketball if it's not already invented yet.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

It would stop a lot of bro. Like, would be like, what the is going on, bro? Like imagine. Imagine LeBron around Bill Russell's time.

[Mike]

He's been going crazy.

[Pat]

Been going crazy.

[Mike]

It's also like, It's. Is it LeBron with Bill Russell?

[Pat]

But I'm just. But no, but no. 2018.

[Mike]

Okay, guys, just say I'm dropping him.

[Pat]

And I'm just saying, like, people think it's like sports related. I'm just saying the distraction because usually like that gets like, you know, sports to be distracting people from going to war and you know what I'm saying?

[Mike]

I got a question. It's World cup related. Would you rather your country win a World cup or your favorite team win a championship?

[Pat]

My favorite team winning championship. I'm American though.

[Mike]

So would you rather Team USA win a gold medal? No. Oh, yeah.

[Pat]

Over my favorite team or the Lions winning the championship? The Lions. A medal. Like, honestly, a medal, bro. Like, I like.

[Mike]

I. I get it. Then would you say three cell too?

[Gene]

I would say my favorite team.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Gene]

It would impact me more. You know what I'm saying?

[Pat]

Yes. Like, who's your favorite team?

[Gene]

I actually don't have a favorite.

[Mike]

Just anything but his country.

[Gene]

Yeah. The Bucks.

[Pat]

Okay, so you rather another Bucks.

[Mike]

What country are you repping, though?

[Gene]

I'm. I'm repping usa. Yeah.

[Mike]

But come on now you something else, though. It's Puerto Rico. Yes, I guess.

[Pat]

But you're already saying that. Would you. Would you rather. You rather Nigeria win a Gold cup and what in like the FIFA world.

[Mike]

FIFA World Cup?

[Pat]

Whether they. I get that you don't really have a sports team. He wanted Mike one of them. I like the Patriots and the Spurs. That should let you know everything you need to know about. No, everything. All sports fans know these type of. They like those boring ass winning ass teams. And it's just sometimes no part of the reason why you love that fan base is because the. The. That you can automatically talk to any other fan base.

[Mike]

I was. I was a Spurs fan, like, growing up, mainly because it was like one of those teams that had a whole bunch of international players and they had like. And that was as an international kid. Like, I was like, okay, I can relate to.

[Pat]

Right.

[Mike]

Just people being different, bro.

[Pat]

Every team had them. They just had the ones that won a CH championship. Yeah.

[Mike]

I'm just saying. But it's real.

[Pat]

And nobody knew Tim Duncan was international until later on.

[Mike]

I'm not even saying Tim Duncan.

[Pat]

You're talking about.

[Mike]

You talking about Tony Parker, Boris Diaboris, DL Splitter.

[Pat]

Splitter not foreign, bro.

[Mike]

I think he is.

[Pat]

Come on now. Coach in the NBA, Brian. Beat that. Hey, that's the biggest. No, real them is not foreign like that, bro.

[Mike]

Oh, since it was. It was 4th of July this past weekend. When is the appropriate time that fireworks start?

[Pat]

The. As soon 11am Come on now.

[Mike]

You can't do fireworks at 11am yes,

[Gene]

you can do it like they do it the night before, but isn't the

[Mike]

point of fireworks to see, like, the backdrop being a little more dark?

[Pat]

It's not about doing it for the sound is. Yes, sometimes it's about the sound, bro.

[Gene]

Test them. Sometimes.

[Pat]

You ain't growing. You ain't grow up in the hood.

[Mike]

Because I did grow up in the hood.

[Pat]

No, no, I'm saying you ain't grow up in the hood to where, like, all the streets would meet up and then. Yeah, yeah, I did, though. But the goal was then. What was the goal? The goal was to do the fireworks all day. Like, can we all light this up all day? That's the goal of the thing.

[Mike]

I guess I have a different perspective now that I'm an adult. That you get said when we were younger, that's like, kids.

[Pat]

It's for the kid. The kids out all day. You know what I'm saying? We gotta distract these kids. We gotta make them sit down.

[Mike]

There was a whole brawl in Milwaukee. Like, why is. The fireworks are going down, bro.

[Pat]

It's a brawl. It's a brawl in every inner city, bro. It's in unison. It's like, bro, kids ain't gonna keep.

[Mike]

The thing about, bro, we choose the. The most, like, sentiment, like just the most aesthetic moments to fight.

[Pat]

Sometimes, bro, them are bored, bro.

[Gene]

It's crazy.

[Pat]

Them are bored. Like, the. The. The reason why these inner city kids, bro, are doing all this. Them are so boring.

[Mike]

I feel it.

[Pat]

It's. No, it's nowhere. Because we used to be distracted by the littlest ye. Like 14, 15. If I walk past a park and was hooping, that was amazing to me. I'm about to go. Who. Like these dudes. They walk around, they.

[Gene]

The.

[Pat]

The basketball park's empty. These. They got access to too much on their phone. They know what real fun is. Yeah, we know what real fun is. They.

[Mike]

They watching, I think, especially for like

[Pat]

stick drifting srts and they want to play.

[Mike]

No, especially for like the non athletes, like the people that don't play sport. I think there was a lot. I don't know, they might be more recreational things to different things to do, but there was like random people were in choir. There was a lot more after school programs that I would go to. Art programs, bro.

[Pat]

These kids are going to. These kids are going to streets where there's nothing but bars at. And sitting outside the bars. Yeah, like that. I think. I think we just had like a bigger fear of like going to jail or some like, damn, if I go by a bar, a cop might pick me up and. And take me to jail. But these kids be knowing their rights

[Mike]

too much, I feel like.

[Pat]

And jail.

[Mike]

Jail was a little bit more unknown. You always heard about jail in prison from people's perspective that like went there or you went. You know, these kids see on the Internet, that's what I'm saying. In jail with iPads and

[Pat]

they got too much knowledge, bro.

[Gene]

And of course there is, like, good stuff going on, but it's just like, you see so much bad all the time.

[Mike]

No, that's what goes viral, too.

[Pat]

I know, but that's what they want to go viral, bro. That's what they want. That's what the social medias want, man.

[Mike]

Oh, they're trying to. Trying to poison us, bro.

[Pat]

No, real.

[Mike]

Open your third eye.

[Pat]

This is from. This is from somebody who listens to the podcast. It says, can you shout out my husband for his birthday, please? We saw y' all in Nashville the day before I started labor. Crazy. Why y' all name y' all baby after us?

[Mike]

No, I don't. Name him Mike.

[Pat]

No, Matt. Yes. Name him Matt.

[Mike]

What was the baby's name?

[Pat]

Matt.

[Caller 2]

Huh?

[Pat]

They didn't tell us.

[Mike]

Good.

[Pat]

Thank God that we listen to y' all all the time. His name is Saul. Is that Saul? I knew it was something. I knew it. Look, but that's stupid, though. No, no, not your name. Not stupid. But if it don't rhyme with Paul. Come on now. Notice Saul. Saul Loboto. He's turning 23, July 11. He has one of y' all shirts. Okay? Now he got it all. He came to the show, he got the shirt. She said, why the is this so scary looking? So he must got the fiend.

[Mike]

Okay?

[Pat]

Anyways, we love listening to y', all, especially when we fight, because then we just laugh. Peace and love.

[Mike]

Are we saving relationships?

[Pat]

That's crazy. No, if you're an argument. If you're an argument right now. If you're in an argument right now.

[Gene]

Let's.

[Pat]

Let's put this together, stop and listen. Let's. Let's. Let's make a small care package right now for anybody that's going through something with a significant other other, right? Listen, this person that's sending you this message, they want to apologize, but they pride in their ego getting in the way, so they sent you this in replacement. They love you and they want to be back in good graces with you, and they don't want to fight with you at all. They want everything to be good. So please take this message and no. That they should have came to you.

[Caller 2]

They.

[Pat]

So that's one of the people that

[Mike]

listen all the way through. Keep it going.

[Pat]

Keep it going. You don't need them. You don't need them.

[Caller 5]

Yo, what's going down, Brad? Dummy.

[Pat]

What's the word I don't like? You know, I always feel weird when people call us Crash.

[Gene]

They're actually the Crash dummies.

[Pat]

We Pat and Mike. You're the Crash, dummy. The callers are the Crash.

[Mike]

Don't worry about it. You can call me whatever you want.

[Pat]

Okay. Damn little Dom going on. All right, tie that up, bro.

[Mike]

N crazy.

[Caller 1]

Can I say something real quick, bro?

[Mike]

You are so horny, bro. Jack that, bro. That's the most horniest ever. Go ahead.

[Pat]

That mouth.

[Caller 4]

Go ahead.

[Caller 5]

I'm scared about how this episode FA sound when it come out. That's funny as.

[Pat]

Oh, this one, cuz.

[Caller 5]

Y' all being freaky right now.

[Pat]

Oh, we not being freaky. You was being freaky. You say, oh, Michael's being freaky.

[Mike]

Anyway, I got a. I got a question for you real quick.

[Caller 5]

Before you ask your question.

[Mike]

Go ahead.

[Caller 5]

I feel very disrespected because every that come on this goddamn podcast, you tell them, happy International Women's Month. I done been on this three times. You ain't never told me how.

[Mike]

I literally said, you can call me whatever you want with that energy right there.

[Pat]

I feel it now. I know why I didn't say it. No, first of all, happy.

[Caller 5]

You said I shot like a. Is that what you Saying.

[Caller 2]

I'm not.

[Pat]

I'm not saying that. That's what he said.

[Mike]

Anyway. I got you. I got you.

[Caller 5]

That's what it gave.

[Mike]

It's what it is giving. And.

[Pat]

And, hey, respect, huh?

[Caller 5]

Crazy.

[Caller 1]

No,

[Pat]

no. Happy international woman century to you from me and all of the guys. You know what I'm saying?

[Caller 5]

Period.

[Caller 4]

I know.

[Caller 5]

That's real. Thank you.

[Pat]

Yeah, we got you.

[Mike]

Come on now. You got to follow it up with a decent story to actually make the

[Pat]

$5 or you just wasted our time.

[Caller 5]

Damn, I hope it do make the. Make the it. What's your dilemma if it didn't?

[Mike]

What's your dilemma?

[Caller 5]

All right, well, that's not what I. Okay. Boom. All right, so. No, no, no, it is. I lied. No, I. It is my bad. All right, so basically, I done been in a relationship with this man since like 2021. And off. It's been. It was off for like a year and a half, two years maybe. But then we started back again in 2024, right? And I do love this man, but we found, like, we found each other on the Internet, right, in 2020. So I had never. I had never seen him until last year.

[Caller 2]

Whoa.

[Caller 5]

Right?

[Mike]

Y' all in a four year long. Y' all in a six year long term relationship.

[Caller 5]

Did you hear what I said?

[Mike]

2020.

[Caller 5]

Yeah, 2020, on and off.

[Mike]

And y' all didn't meet in person until 2024. Okay. It's a long time, but go ahead.

[Caller 5]

I didn't need you to add that, Mike. Anyway, so. Boom. So I go down there. So. So I go down there to see him, right? And really, it was nice. Like, he was. He was a very nice man. We enjoyed each other. We get to the. We get to the bedroom, though, and like, we having a time or whatever, right?

[Caller 4]

It was.

[Caller 5]

It was a good time. He was. You feel me eating. But it got to the part where I had to also do the eat, right? And. And I was very underwhelmed. Right. The other part of this is that he has, like, a leg issue. I don't. I don't exactly know what happened. He. But he has like, a leg issue anyway with that, it makes it hard.

[Mike]

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Can you go into the legacy a little bit more?

[Caller 5]

Yeah. So, like, he, like, he doesn't walk with a cane, but, like, he walks with like a hobble, right? So it's hard for him to, like, it's that right leg that has an issue, and he's like. That's his dominant side.

[Pat]

Got it.

[Caller 2]

Okay.

[Pat]

He been hit with A few shells.

[Caller 5]

No, I think he was hit with a car. I think that that's what happened. I think he like, he got into like a car accident when he was younger. He hasn't really explained it though, and it's hard for me to like bring it up.

[Pat]

That's crazy. So.

[Caller 5]

Damn. It is crazy.

[Pat]

So this is. Okay, so let's go back to you about to eat him. But you mean eat like you about to give head because like a lot of people be like, oh, she eating.

[Caller 5]

I'm about to suck dick.

[Pat]

Oh, got you.

[Caller 4]

Okay.

[Caller 5]

No, I don't. I don't eat man ass. I don't die.

[Mike]

I just.

[Pat]

No, you don't. No. We got to go into like why you don't eat men's ass anymore. Go ahead.

[Caller 1]

I.

[Caller 5]

Anymore is crazy. Please don't play with me, Patrick.

[Mike]

Come on.

[Caller 5]

I. I don't even. I don't even play like that.

[Pat]

Okay, She got

[Gene]

me.

[Mike]

So you're disappointed is going on?

[Caller 5]

Yeah, so I was disappointed. Cuz it's. It's not like a regularly small penis. Right. It's. It's a very. It's. So if you stack two batteries on top of each other, what are we talking about?

[Mike]

Like double edged, vertical?

[Caller 5]

A. Vertically.

[Pat]

Vertically, two, triple.

[Caller 5]

If you stack two AAA batteries on top of one another.

[Pat]

God damn.

[Mike]

Flaccid.

[Caller 5]

No.

[Mike]

Oh, damn. Fully erect.

[Caller 3]

Okay.

[Caller 5]

Fully erect.

[Mike]

Okay. I mean, I'm not judging, but it's

[Caller 5]

like a golf tee type type.

[Pat]

Golfing off his.

[Caller 5]

But it's like, it's like thicker though. Like it's not just like. It's not like super skinny or nothing.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Pat]

It's like a cigar.

[Mike]

I guess we can get off the description of this thing. Okay, let's go.

[Pat]

Let's keep going. She like a Vienna sausage. Okay.

[Caller 5]

No, exactly. No, precisely. Literally.

[Caller 1]

Yes.

[Caller 5]

See, you get it? You. You get it.

[Pat]

Okay. What you do with that little.

[Caller 1]

No, I'm not gonna lie.

[Caller 5]

That's why. You feel me? That's my man. Right? So I. I got him off. So that was the thing.

[Pat]

I was like, you was down there bullshitting like a motherfucker,

[Gene]

Bro.

[Caller 5]

I'm a real.

[Pat]

She trying to hype him up.

[Caller 3]

All right.

[Mike]

That's crazy.

[Pat]

Oh my God. Okay, go ahead.

[Caller 5]

No, so like we tried to start like we tried to begin it so was trying to do like, like doggy basically. So because he. So he like stood up. He's also like around my same height, so that made it a little, you know.

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Caller 5]

But anyway, so as he's trying to do it like, he's. He's in there, but he's not really doing nothing. So then I felt bad because I wasn't able to. Like, I can't even manufacture the most. Like, I don't know what's going on back there. You know what I'm saying? Like, I can't.

[Pat]

Yeah, y' all was. Y'.

[Caller 2]

All.

[Pat]

Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

[Caller 5]

I can't see myself, like, being in that life, like, for the rest of my life. But, like, I love him, though. Like, we gonna have to figure out, like, how do I tell him? Like, he needs to get, like, a toy or something like that. Like, you need to get, like, a.

[Mike]

I feel like that's.

[Pat]

I feel like that's an easy conversation. You just pull down his pants and thump.

[Caller 5]

You ain't never been

[Pat]

like, get a toy. Eat it out.

[Mike]

He winning, though.

[Pat]

He went. He got somebody that love him.

[Caller 5]

Yeah, Yeah, I really do love him. So that's the part, like, that's why I'm in this conundrum. You feel me, bro? So, like, boom. So, Mike, how would you feel if your wife told you, hey, man, you, like, I need you to get that extended. Like, let's go.

[Caller 1]

Extended?

[Pat]

Yeah, you know, like a little.

[Mike]

I don't have a micro penis. I. I feel like I would be like.

[Caller 5]

Like, I'm saying, like, I would already be. Put yourself in a scenario. Just pretend you have a micro penis.

[Pat]

Micro. Micro. Mic in the chat.

[Gene]

But.

[Mike]

But if I had a micro penis, I feel like I would have known I had a micro penis.

[Pat]

Wait, wait, hold on, hold on. What would be your real realization?

[Mike]

That somebody told me.

[Pat]

No, no, no. Like, let's say, like, when would you think you found out? And, like, how would you think, like, going through your life, like, as it went through, and you was just like, when would you know you was different?

[Mike]

I definitely would have been like, in those moments where those old men be getting naked in the locker room.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Caller 5]

Don't y' all be getting butt ass

[Mike]

naked with each other every having conversations with you? So, yeah, that might have been the moment, but I feel like a micro penis is like, you know, you have one.

[Caller 2]

One.

[Mike]

Like, there's, like.

[Caller 5]

You actually gets a little kinky in the locker room, don't it?

[Gene]

No. Play football.

[Mike]

Change the subject.

[Pat]

That's. That's.

[Mike]

That's how react.

[Pat]

No, she plan to tell him she frustrated. You frustrated. Don't get frustrated ass, cuz you got a scissor with your every night.

[Caller 5]

Shut the up.

[Mike]

That.

[Caller 1]

First of all, I know y' all Be sciss.

[Pat]

I know it. I know it, I know it.

[Mike]

I think I have a little bit more. More realistic with myself. Like, I would have been like, okay, whatever, to keep you, because I feel like if you have a micro penis, it might be tough in the relationship aspect. He had the advantage of not you guys not meeting for four years. So it was like. It was like, what do you call it? Love is blind type shit that was going on.

[Caller 5]

That was probably part of the reason, too. Like, that was definitely part of the reason.

[Pat]

Or dick is blind. No.

[Mike]

So I would have had the advantage of. I would have the advantage of, like, you know, without that advantage. You think you have that realization? I think you should tell him. I think he would understand. And it's just a way for him to keep you. Cuz obviously, it seemed like he doesn't. He's doing everything else, right. He.

[Caller 5]

He.

[Mike]

He.

[Caller 5]

He is, yeah. Everything else smooth.

[Mike]

When he was munching, did you, like. Did you appreciate that?

[Caller 5]

Yes, it was amazing.

[Mike]

All right. I bet you he do get good.

[Pat]

They got a lot of time to work on it.

[Caller 5]

Strong as a. I said, hold on now. I think I could do this part, though.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Yeah. So maybe more of that. Obviously. Tell him to introduce some toys. I think he would be. Do you think he'll take that offensive?

[Caller 5]

Yes, I do. I feel like, as men, y'.

[Caller 3]

All.

[Caller 5]

Would y' all take

[Mike]

micropenis.

[Caller 3]

Lie.

[Pat]

You talk. I love. I love vibr. I love toys. I love, like. Come on now.

[Mike]

You love toys.

[Pat]

For my girl.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Caller 1]

I mean, I brought one.

[Caller 5]

I brought a vibrator, though, and it was fine. Like, he was cool with that, so maybe. Maybe you're right, but I just feel like that would, like, insult his, like, manhood. You feel me?

[Pat]

A much ain't much manhood to a.

[Mike]

I think if you bring. I think bringing it to the bedroom yourself, you know, introducing it yourself in the act. Especially if it's just something that he might find, like, attractive.

[Caller 2]

Right.

[Pat]

And let's be real. This your household. That little ass you run around.

[Mike]

So y. Y' all currently don't see.

[Caller 5]

I do.

[Mike]

How often do y' all see each other?

[Caller 5]

Every couple of months now.

[Mike]

Oh, okay.

[Caller 5]

Or every, like, two months. So, like, every other month type. Unless there's something that's, like, going on.

[Pat]

The surgeries out there, too. I would strap ons and.

[Mike]

Nah, we're in the strapons a little bit.

[Caller 5]

What if I just brought a dildo?

[Mike]

Yeah, I would just.

[Pat]

Just do that. Yeah. Dildo.

[Mike]

This problem.

[Caller 5]

Y' all saying y' all don't think that nigga's man. So if a brought a dildo cheat, you feel me in your counter? Y' all would be cool with that?

[Pat]

Listen, he know, like, trust me, me, the. I'm. I'm telling you, he knows what he got in you. He got a great woman that loves him from him. You know how many women that's listening to this podcast right now that would have left that immediately as soon as they saw it? You stuck around. You got to know him. You appreciated him for the good things he brings. Damn, he not leaving you.

[Caller 5]

They're probably like this dummy.

[Pat]

No, no, they not. They wish. They wish.

[Gene]

They.

[Caller 3]

They.

[Pat]

A lot of women wish they could bypass that. They wish they could. They wish they didn't need that. Like, you don't. You obviously don't need, like, anybody with a regular sized penis, and that's okay like that you find your soulmate. No, that's not. That's no joke. Because my joke about him would be way better than that. Trust me. I'm leaving him alone because it's like, on some real shit, I wouldn't even worry about what other women want. You got what you want. And he would appreciate. He appreciates you. So if you bring this to him, he gonna want to build with you. You gotta be his for everything. Trust.

[Gene]

That's love.

[Caller 5]

All right, man. His ass get offended, I'm gonna get offended.

[Pat]

And le what I'm saying, who he gonna find? Come on now. You'll never find that winning right now. Hey, hey. And say like, you're not. You're not about to go back and forth with a. That can't even do back shots. Like, we not even about to play that game.

[Caller 5]

All right, man, that's enough.

[Mike]

All right, you have a good one.

[Caller 5]

Y' all too. Have a good day.

[Caller 4]

You too.

[Caller 3]

Hello.

[Pat]

Yo, what's the wordy, birdie? Welcome to Crash Homies Podcast. Ass.

[Caller 3]

What's good? I couldn't hear y' all connection.

[Pat]

Stop all that aggressive, bro.

[Mike]

Don't let bully you, bro.

[Pat]

I'm bullying. I'm trying to de escalate, bro.

[Caller 4]

Bro.

[Pat]

I'm not, bro. I'm literally not bullying. I'm trying to de escalate. You actually said it, right?

[Caller 3]

What?

[Pat]

You said some trying to act tough, and you said something correct. Good job. Oh, you thought.

[Caller 3]

Oh, you thought that was the one?

[Pat]

It is the one. It's always the one. It's my show. I can edit it to be the one. I. I just edit anything you say and make it look like I'm winning. Watch this ass up. Don't. Don't say after. Don't say quiet down. Perfect.

[Caller 2]

A.

[Caller 3]

Threatening me with edits is crazy.

[Caller 4]

I digress.

[Pat]

Said digress. I know who I'm dealing with. All right, I got a question for you.

[Caller 3]

What's good?

[Pat]

What's something. You're embarrassed to admit it, but you're still healing from

[Caller 3]

the. My gardener killed my turtle. But he. He ain't never admit to it, though.

[Pat]

Gardener killed you? So was your turtle outside.

[Caller 3]

So look right. The was in a tank.

[Pat]

Oh, the turtle's a got it. Yeah, yeah.

[Caller 3]

Turtle was in a crib. You feel me? He was in the crib. Or at least we thought so.

[Caller 1]

Boom.

[Caller 3]

Me and my brother, we go upstairs, play the game. We hear the gardener out back, you know, cutting. Cutting the yard and go back downstairs. We say, damn, where the Puffy at? Because the turtle name was Puffy because he looked like Puff. So we like, man, where the this at? We had a basketball hoop in front of the garage outside. Guess who was in the damn driveway, bro? Puffy. I said damn. But look, this the up part.

[Mike]

How did Puffy get out the tank?

[Caller 3]

My that ran away, bro.

[Mike]

We still don't know how, Bro, your turtle ran away. Okay.

[Pat]

My God, bro. What?

[Caller 3]

Like God strike me. God strike me now for blind, bro. The Puffy ran away, bro. Bro, the head was on the basketball court, bro. We went out there to go hoop, bro. We like, nah, no way.

[Pat]

So you think the gardener accidentally cut his head?

[Caller 3]

Yeah, like, you feel me? Like with the push lawnmower. You feel me? It's a turtle. So the blend in with the grass

[Pat]

and you ain't find the shelf.

[Caller 3]

I'm be honest with you, bro. I think the gardener knew what he did. He just tossed that over the gate.

[Mike]

That's how long you have your turtle for.

[Caller 3]

My turtle got his head chopped off. Is crazy.

[Mike]

How. How long is your. How long you have your turtle?

[Caller 3]

That was long, bro. Bro was at the crib for a smooth like three days.

[Mike]

You might just be a bad. Anyway, we got. This is your time to do your eulogy for your. Your turtle.

[Caller 3]

Here you go. Ready? My puff was a good turtle, man. Man, the ran away turtles can't even run. But my ran bro, he tried to go back to his habitat that we stole him from. And God said, not today. Chop this up.

[Pat]

God's never said that. No, just stop. The don't guys never said not today. And also, like, where did you get the turtle from?

[Caller 3]

So my granddad, he lived by like, this little swampy area. You feel me? So it was a lot of, like, turtles, frogs, and over there.

[Caller 2]

Right, right.

[Caller 3]

So a just went over there and just picked one up.

[Caller 4]

Was like.

[Pat]

So you captured a turtle?

[Caller 3]

Yeah.

[Pat]

You didn't get a turtle as a pet. You took a turtle out of his habitat.

[Caller 3]

I mean, do that with other animals.

[Pat]

And then gave it a tank and didn't do no research on it. And then it end up.

[Caller 3]

See, look, see, look. Get monetized. And now all of a sudden, get a turtle. Now got tax tanks. Don't pull that car with me, bro.

[Mike]

Because your turtle ran away, bro. I've never heard that sentence before, bro. How's your turtle get out the tank?

[Gene]

They do be running away, I ain't gonna lie.

[Mike]

But then if we knew to get outside, though, how to get outside, they opened the door.

[Pat]

Them must be standing in the garage or something.

[Caller 3]

I ain't even gonna lie, bro. The probably missed his home so bad, bro. The probably created like, a little escape plan and got the up out of there, bro. He got far, but he ain't get back to where he was.

[Gene]

That.

[Caller 4]

Yeah.

[Mike]

R.P. puffy, bro. R.P.

[Gene]

puff.

[Pat]

Wait, wait.

[Mike]

I wish. I wish you had a better owner, bro.

[Pat]

I'm. But I'm mad we skipped over that name. Like, where. Like, why are you. How did it look like Puff, bro.

[Caller 3]

Look at Pete. Idiot. And look at a turtle.

[Mike]

I thought it was just like. I thought it was just like a puffy thing.

[Pat]

Not.

[Mike]

Not P. Diddy Combs.

[Caller 3]

Yeah, bro. Fish in there. We had fishes in there named Biggie, Tupac and Nas, bro.

[Pat]

Got it.

[Mike]

You had the fish and your turtle in the same tank.

[Caller 3]

No, we can't do that. The would have killed each other.

[Mike]

I'm just wondering, bro. You're the one that let your turtle. Yeah, you might just. He might be good on pets, bro.

[Caller 4]

Yeah, I mean that.

[Caller 3]

I'm about to get me a dog.

[Mike]

No, please.

[Pat]

No, please, please, please, no.

[Gene]

Dmx?

[Mike]

No. Stick with fishes. If you're gonna get a pet, bro,

[Caller 3]

the fish died, too.

[Mike]

That's what I'm saying. Stick with fishes, man.

[Pat]

You need to stay away from everybody. How about that?

[Caller 3]

Yeah, don't let me find out where y' all located.

[Pat]

No, we not worried about you. You can't even. You can't even keep a turtle in the tank.

[Mike]

You let a gardener kill your. You do nothing about it.

[Pat]

Yeah. You ain't press the. That kills somebody, what you gonna do to us?

[Caller 3]

Yeah, imagine me pressing a. Who just literally committed murder. What?

[Mike]

All right, man. You have a good one, brother.

[Caller 1]

Hi.

[Mike]

Hey. Welcome to Cry's podcast.

[Caller 5]

Oh, thank you. I love y' all podcast.

[Mike]

I appreciate it. Happy International.

[Gene]

My fault.

[Caller 1]

You said what?

[Caller 4]

What?

[Pat]

She didn't hear you. I got you. Happy, happy International. Women's decade, century, whatever to you. You know, all the.

[Gene]

You know.

[Caller 1]

Oh, well, shout out to me.

[Caller 5]

I didn't even know that that was today.

[Pat]

Yeah, if you have called tomorrow, it would have been tomorrow. That's how we feeling.

[Caller 1]

Okay, then.

[Caller 5]

Well, shout out to us.

[Pat]

Yeah, me and all my.

[Caller 5]

Yeah, you and all your.

[Pat]

Okay, that was a test. All right, I got a question for you. Okay, now, what is that? Can I hear myself in the background?

[Mike]

Yeah, a little bit.

[Pat]

She a cop?

[Mike]

You got us on speaker.

[Caller 1]

No, I'm not.

[Pat]

Take us all.

[Caller 3]

No, I don't.

[Caller 1]

You were in my headphone.

[Pat]

Well, take. Take them.

[Mike]

Oh, it's better now. It's better now.

[Gene]

Take them.

[Mike]

Go ahead. Go ahead.

[Pat]

Take them Boses off.

[Gene]

All right.

[Caller 5]

I got a question for you that's crazy as hell.

[Caller 1]

Shut the hell up.

[Mike]

All right.

[Pat]

What. What's something you're pretending doesn't bother you?

[Caller 5]

Okay, so, boom. I thought I could date bigger men, but I can't.

[Caller 1]

I cannot do that.

[Caller 5]

I went on a date a couple

[Caller 1]

days ago with a big man, and

[Caller 5]

it was hot, I'm not gonna lie. But then this.

[Caller 1]

Took his titty and lifted that up and wiped under it. I don't have to do that. Why the do you have to do that? Absolutely not. I can't do it. That just turned me off. I said absolutely not. This need to get in the gym or something.

[Pat]

How tall was he, though?

[Caller 5]

But I can't do that. He, like, 5, 10?

[Pat]

Like, how did he wipe it? Like, y' all was at dinner when he wiped his titties. Like, where do you see him wipe his titties?

[Caller 1]

No, we was in the car. And imagine a. Taking her titty, lifting it up and wiping under it. That's what the. He did.

[Gene]

He went like.

[Pat]

You asking us to imagine a woman doing that, or are you saying, like.

[Caller 5]

Yes, like, just imagine, like, a woman just lifted her titty up. That's what he did.

[Pat]

I'mma eat it.

[Mike]

No, I get maybe the. Because you obviously, you. You went out with him because you found him maybe attractive, no matter his size.

[Caller 1]

Yes, he's cute.

[Mike]

I do think the. The wiping on the titties, no matter how big you are. Even. Even if, like, I did it, I feel like that's weird how. I mean, but I wouldn't do that. On a date, though. There's been.

[Caller 2]

Bro.

[Mike]

There's been plenty of times even like, he's being.

[Gene]

He must have been comfortable though, for.

[Mike]

Yeah, he might have been.

[Pat]

I guess so. But I mean, did y' all kiss at that point?

[Gene]

Was it a sweat rag? Like he had this sweat rag.

[Pat]

You already kissed? Yeah, and it went well.

[Mike]

Come on now.

[Gene]

Was it sweaty?

[Caller 1]

Yeah, but I didn't realize. I didn't realize his titties was tittying like that until.

[Mike]

You can't body shame him, though. You chose him.

[Caller 1]

I'm not body shaming. I just think he need to get in the gym.

[Pat]

Nah, it's time to motor. Time to. Time to motorboat.

[Caller 1]

Oh, no. Oh, my gosh. What is wrong with y'? All?

[Pat]

No, that's crazy.

[Mike]

We gotta keep it. We gotta keep it very equal. Yeah, in a sense. Because if it's a guy that came on here and started body shaming a girl.

[Caller 2]

Girl.

[Pat]

We wouldn't be having it.

[Mike]

We wouldn't be having it.

[Gene]

No.

[Pat]

So either. I guess so either way. So either stay away from the big or embrace that titty sweat. Either way,

[Caller 5]

not embracing.

[Mike]

So, all right, how's your dating life been since then?

[Pat]

Well, you see how it's going. Sorry, my bad.

[Caller 1]

Damn,

[Pat]

Anytime.

[Caller 1]

But I just say, like, it's been okay.

[Caller 3]

Okay.

[Caller 5]

I mean, yeah, it's been all right.

[Mike]

Are you in a relationship?

[Caller 5]

No.

[Pat]

Like, what's like okay? Have you had any good dates after that?

[Caller 5]

That was actually like a couple days ago.

[Pat]

Because I was gonna say, it sounds like a good date to me. Like, if you kissing this dude and like that end up being your moment where you like, oh, hell no. That means the kiss kind of went well.

[Caller 3]

Or the dating.

[Caller 1]

The date went well.

[Caller 5]

I'm not gonna lie.

[Caller 1]

But I think, like, I think I

[Pat]

knew exactly where to eat.

[Gene]

Huh.

[Pat]

Took you to a good ass restaurant. He said, how the

[Caller 5]

damn.

[Caller 1]

He not that big. But it's just like, damn.

[Mike]

I mean, if that's the only thing. Is that like the. The thing that gave you the ick or some. That he can't come back?

[Caller 1]

Oh, no, no.

[Caller 5]

He could come back from it because it's gyms. You can always lose weight.

[Mike]

Well, I'm just saying in general, he might not lose the tendency of wiping under his titties or his. His chest.

[Gene]

He might.

[Pat]

Wait, so. So it's the problem that he wiped under him or the problem, like, you saw what his titty look like.

[Caller 5]

It's the fact that I saw him pick this up.

[Pat]

Got it.

[Mike]

So does he have Big. Bigger titties than you.

[Pat]

Oh, that's a crazy question.

[Mike]

Is that a question?

[Pat]

Is crazy. That's crazy.

[Mike]

She talk about another dude's titties?

[Pat]

No, that's crazy. That's crazy. It's crazy ass question.

[Mike]

How is that a crazy question?

[Pat]

You're basically telling her to tell her her titty size.

[Mike]

Yes. And she say his titties are big.

[Pat]

Then be a man and just ask her. What? What? Her titty size?

[Mike]

I wanted to know if they're bigger than his.

[Pat]

No, just ask her straight up what's. Like, what's your titty size? And do the comparison in your head.

[Caller 3]

Be a man.

[Mike]

Take your cape off, bro. No, don't sneak. How am I sneaking.

[Pat]

Don't sneak about another. How big. How big are your titties?

[Caller 5]

Holy.

[Pat]

No, we really don't want to know. No, we just.

[Caller 1]

Okay. That's not big.

[Mike]

32D. I said G. Oh, G. G. But it's not.

[Caller 1]

No D. D.

[Pat]

So you saying his was bigger than yours?

[Caller 5]

Slightly.

[Pat]

God damn.

[Mike]

Nah, we're not body shaming, bro.

[Pat]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Mike]

He might be a good dude.

[Pat]

Might be a good dude with big titties, though.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Caller 1]

Oh, my God.

[Mike]

You could just stay with him and motivate him to get into the gym. You chose him.

[Caller 5]

I am.

[Caller 1]

I might.

[Gene]

Do you gym, though?

[Mike]

Yeah. Do you go to your gym?

[Caller 5]

Yeah.

[Gene]

Oh, yeah. So just like, come on now.

[Pat]

All you gotta do, get. Get him on that elliptical. That's where the big like to go

[Caller 1]

if I'm not in the gym.

[Pat]

No, we. We've had a lot of that on here where just like, people complaining about another person not working out in a relationship, and then they don't work out either. So it's. We get that a lot. So for you to be in a gym is actually rare. So I think. But we think you need to go get him because it sounded like everything else worked, and it sounds like you got the power to get him in the gym because that's what you're making it seem like. I feel like that's a really good start, man.

[Mike]

You like.

[Pat]

Like the vibes. He know where to eat at. He know at least to wipe his titties. What if you cuddle with him and then you put your ear on his chest and then you just felt that moisture.

[Mike]

Exactly.

[Pat]

You know what I mean?

[Mike]

You know the titties, that's like a little bit. That's a little armpit sweat too. So it's that rolling on this.

[Caller 1]

Please stop. Please stop, please.

[Pat]

It's going to smell like. It's going to smell like euros under his.

[Mike]

All right, you have a good one then. Hope hopefully it works out for you.

[Pat]

You ain't got to be afraid. Don't be afraid to suck a little titties. Yeah, Dick.

[Caller 1]

Bless some dick.

[Pat]

You're giving away a little bit too much, though.

[Mike]

You have a good one.

[Caller 1]

My bad, my bad.

[Caller 3]

Thank you.

[Mike]

All right, peace. What up?

[Pat]

What up, garbage ass calls today. I ain't gonna lie.

[Caller 4]

Okay. All right, bro.

[Pat]

No, I'm just saying, just today ain't like, so far. All right. All right. Change my mind then. All right. I got a question for you.

[Caller 4]

Yep.

[Pat]

What's something you're embarrassed to admit but you're still trying to heal from?

[Caller 4]

So this is about, like two years ago, during winter break, I came home from college, I was at a club, met a girl. You know, she's like, chill. Talking to her for like, half an hour, an hour. And then took her back, her and her friends and my friends, and then got to the house. We kind of split off, ran three, like, three guys, three girls, all one on one. And then, you know, did our thing. I have meta glasses, so I, like, recorded it. And then I sent it to her phone. And then like a week later, apparently. Apparently she gotten some, like, debunkle with her teammates. So the video got sent to her group chat.

[Caller 1]

That.

[Caller 4]

And then a girl, she was t. Like, her friend was apparently, like, hated her a lot of beef. And then she sent it to her dad, and then somehow I got caught in it because she knew my high school friend, so she sent it to my high school friend and then his. And then he sent it to my parents and our coach. It's not that funny.

[Pat]

No, no, no, no. Okay. Like, so the video, I'm trying to understand because you. You mentioned you had meta glasses.

[Caller 4]

Yeah.

[Pat]

And so was it, like. Was it that video from your pov?

[Caller 4]

Yeah. Yeah, because.

[Pat]

So how's that obviously. So how's that embarrassing if it's from. Because it would be.

[Mike]

It's like revenge porn.

[Pat]

But I'm just saying. But it would be all her, though, though.

[Caller 4]

No, but it was like, I had them on and she put them on so you can, like, see my face, and then I had it on so I can see her face.

[Mike]

And I had meta glasses on.

[Pat]

They were switching the meta glasses back and forth. Wait, so were you do.

[Mike]

Caught doing anything? Were you doing anything compromising?

[Caller 4]

I mean, it's a little interesting. It's kind of bad because, like, later on, my dad, like half a year ago. He's like, oh, son, so. So are you still a virgin? I'm like that. You saw the video. So I mean, he kind of brings it up like here and there. It's kind of. It's pretty weird. It's pretty uncomfortable. So anything sexual I don't bring about him anymore, but he brings it up like as a joke.

[Pat]

What were you, like, what were you doing? Like, what's the worst thing that you think your dad saw in a video? Yeah,

[Caller 4]

so at one point, I mean, it wasn't that raw, was just insane. Eating. Eating ass. And one point I looked up.

[Mike]

Wait, from your pov?

[Caller 4]

No, her. Her pov.

[Pat]

Oh no, wait, how does that work? She looking back at you?

[Caller 4]

Well, no, cuz she was like, legs up, so like the. She's looking at me with the. My glasses on. So she's looking at me.

[Pat]

So what is your dad, you?

[Caller 4]

Well, he got us into him that winter break and then he brought it up when I came back from the summer. So like six months later. And he put up like in a, like in a small little like a, like mid convo or something about traveling or something like that. And then he was like, oh, something small like, oh, yeah, so hire glasses treating you. I'm like, oh, you know, I got an email like in the, you know, for. I got it for my birthday. October. October. So right prior to it, you know, this is all I use for like, you know, camera, like video stuff, like pictures. He's like, oh, yeah. So you got any kind of video stuff? Video pictures? Like. No, I don't get any pictures for your videos. And he kind of like smirked at me in the car driving to, like we're driving to I think Tahoe. And he kind of smirked at me like in the corner of my eyes, I think. I don't think he knows that. I know, but he's not really brought it up, like straightforward like, oh, so son.

[Pat]

Oh, so like y' all never talked about him actually receiving the video? You know, he received a video through

[Caller 4]

your friend because the screenshot was the video. It was his number and a text and a video. So the screenshot will be my dad's number. So I know he obviously got it. But he doesn't be bringing up like, he brings up kind of small talk. But I know he knows you and

[Mike]

the girl, you and the girl that you had sex with, right? You said you met her at the club. So you both just so happen to have metal glasses.

[Caller 1]

No, no.

[Caller 4]

So my glasses switching back and Forth. Yeah, like pv. Like PV back and forth.

[Mike]

Yeah, got it.

[Caller 4]

Oh my God, you got glasses. Could have kind of, you know, so. Oh my God. Can I borrow them? Yeah, yeah. So we kind of just swapped back and forth.

[Pat]

But like I would feel like that would be like the one time if I was ever in that position because like I'm not, like I'm not about to let her wear the meta glasses while I eat ass. Like that would be the perfect time for you to wear this. You know what I mean?

[Gene]

Like.

[Caller 4]

Well, I didn't think it would go to my, my parent, my dad, but

[Pat]

let's talk about that though, because it's like I get the, like how the other people received the video because she was in some beef or whatever. But like, why did your friend send it to your dad?

[Caller 4]

Because. So, so I guess the girl she had beef with knew my team and we weren't that cool. So he then sent it to my coach and my dad. So I don't know why I got brought video. Honestly.

[Pat]

Did you ever. Did you ever confront him or sue them?

[Caller 4]

Sue them? I mean, no. I mean, I don't know. You can do that.

[Mike]

That's revenge porn. If you. Without your consent.

[Pat]

Yeah, you can sue all of them, to be honest.

[Caller 4]

Oh, hold up, Dan, bro, hold up. Well, this is, this is like two years ago. I probably could, but. Come on, bro, it's kind of like whatever.

[Pat]

You can sue the out all of them, especially her. She could definitely sue. But as soon as it just crazy. As soon as a judge see you eating ass, bro, he don't give you whatever you need, bro, you might get a million dollars from the judge. Gonna be like, oh hell no. Eating a goose. You didn't even make her turn around. Ate a go from missionary position. This is a savage. Oh my God. Jesus Christ,

[Caller 3]

bro.

[Caller 4]

I mean it's. It's just the main part of that was yeah, she had it on and I'm looking at her and look up and I kind of like my mother kind of wiped a little bit like, like kind of weird cuz my first time getting ass and I was just trying it out.

[Mike]

That was your first time on camera, bro? What the.

[Caller 4]

Well, yeah, because the whole week prior for two is prior friends are like, bro, you don't get asked. Oh, you're soft. You're a. I'm like, bro, try it out.

[Mike]

Like peer pressured.

[Pat]

Well, you got peer pressure.

[Caller 4]

I didn't get. I was like, I'm gonna try it out.

[Pat]

So I man, you did you. You see where it Got you, but go ahead.

[Caller 2]

Whoa.

[Caller 4]

It's not good. Yeah, it's not it, bro.

[Pat]

It's good.

[Caller 4]

Anybody in this world does that, bro.

[Pat]

You definitely. You definitely should sue. You definitely should suit.

[Caller 4]

Yeah, no thought I can do that.

[Pat]

How are you? How are you in a girl?

[Caller 4]

I mean, we've not talked for like a year now, so we're not really like, friends or anything. Kind of the bar or the club. So I haven't talked to her since like a year.

[Gene]

But you still got the bad. I mean, the medical.

[Pat]

That's Jean.

[Caller 4]

Oh, yeah. He was quiet, son. There was new. He's talking.

[Pat]

Yeah, man.

[Caller 4]

Man, what up, Gene?

[Gene]

What up, man?

[Caller 4]

What up? Yeah, so, yeah, I mean, that, that. Yeah.

[Mike]

Do you still have the metal glasses?

[Caller 4]

Oh, yeah, bro, for everything. Like, last night I recorded the fireworks night glasses. Hell yeah.

[Pat]

Make sure you clean them off.

[Mike]

All right, man. You have a good one, bro.

[Gene]

Pink Ey.

[Caller 4]

All right. Thank you. Y' all too.

[Caller 2]

Just popping, yo.

[Mike]

What it do?

[Caller 4]

Damn.

[Caller 2]

What's going on, y'? All?

[Pat]

How y' all doing?

[Gene]

Good, bro.

[Pat]

How you doing, brother?

[Caller 2]

Sure, I'm doing good. Can't complain.

[Pat]

Okay, we got a question for you.

[Caller 2]

It's popping.

[Pat]

What's something you're embarrassed to admit, but you're still healing from

[Caller 2]

my last relationship, bro. No.

[Pat]

Okay, what happened?

[Caller 2]

I mean, we broke up for real by like, sometime in December. And then basically she was going to the military and she wanted to. We was about to get married, all that, but she wanted to live a single life, so that's what caused her to leave. And that was my dog, you know, like damn near four years. So that really my up, my man.

[Pat]

So, so just question. She. She was going to the military and she broke up with you right before she left?

[Caller 2]

Right after boot camp. Oh,

[Pat]

you know who was there, right? Two people. Yeah. Lieutenant. Lieutenant Dick down and Sergeant Back Door. You know what I'm saying? Reporter for duty.

[Caller 2]

I'm already know. I, I, I can already assume she had her friends there talking about, oh, break up with that. Go live that single life, girl.

[Mike]

So why don't you just move on though?

[Pat]

She need a soldier.

[Caller 2]

I mean, I'm trying. It's just like little Just make me think of her think of times like that. It's not like I'm trying to hold on to her like four.

[Mike]

They say like the 4th of July

[Pat]

that be crying like a on Veterans Day. Like, That's crazy.

[Mike]

What, like what, what are the things that like, bring you back to y' all relationship?

[Pat]

Yeah, you tell that they could Pass an American flag. Can you stand for the national anthem?

[Mike]

They're gonna be going through it before the basketball games. Oh, man. All right, go ahead, bro. Sorry. We're not. We don't mean to, like, laugh at your pain, but again, this is a comedy podcast.

[Pat]

Comedy podcast. Comedy podcast. People calling here because they want to laugh about that they be feeling bad about, and they just. This is how they cope. They laugh about it, but it's all good.

[Caller 2]

I watch y' all already expected, you

[Pat]

know, we talking to the listeners. We already know. We. We.

[Mike]

We know, you know, but, like, what are the actual things besides, like, the national anthem and all the. We're just joking about.

[Caller 2]

All right, first of all, all that national anthem flag. And I'm phasing, so get that out there.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Pat]

He said, been there, done that.

[Mike]

Go ahead, bro. Go ahead, bro.

[Caller 2]

But, like, for example, the other day. Day, I'm at, like, the back of my car. So that just made me think about the time when she was sitting on the back of my car and I was cleaning my. And what's that? The windshield. The fluid. Turn that on with the windshield, and I should just spray all the way, like, all over her shirt.

[Caller 5]

And

[Caller 2]

that's one thing that should just deep cut ass.

[Pat]

This hasn't cut.

[Mike]

Having a poor intro of those memories.

[Gene]

What the.

[Mike]

The washer. I'm the first person in my family to hear that sentence every time I rain.

[Pat]

What? What else? What else, bro?

[Caller 2]

People bring her up. Oh, what's her name? I don't really mean much. You said what?

[Pat]

Oh, no, no. I want to know, actually. Yeah, what's. Who ass be bringing?

[Gene]

Yeah, bringing her up.

[Pat]

Yeah. Who bring her up?

[Caller 2]

My mom.

[Mike]

Your mom?

[Pat]

Miss her?

[Caller 2]

And then my. And then, bro, my brother's girl the other day brought her up. Talk about something. Oh, weren't y' all engaged?

[Caller 3]

Blas.

[Caller 1]

Blas.

[Mike]

Oh, y.

[Pat]

Was engaged?

[Gene]

Yeah. That's what he said.

[Caller 2]

Yeah, like, we. Our plan. We supposed to go to the military together.

[Pat]

Wait, what? Oh, you didn't go?

[Caller 2]

No.

[Pat]

Is that why she broke up with you? Cuz you didn't go?

[Caller 2]

Not necessarily.

[Pat]

I think it is.

[Mike]

We had so much misinformation. You probably said the engagement part. We definitely missed that part.

[Caller 3]

But you.

[Pat]

This is the biggest part of the story that he didn't go to the army.

[Caller 2]

Explain it though.

[Gene]

Okay, go ahead.

[Caller 2]

I can further explain it because, yeah, it was originally our plan to go together, but after a whole bunch of time and the Air Force, the process was long. Then that started making me think all extra about it. I'm not trying to lose my hair. I don't want to cut my hair for nobody. It's just my own personal beliefs. The army is not for black people. So I therefore I don't want to go. And I like my freedom. I don't want to be told what to do, when to do it, where to do it. Try to explain that to her, but, you know, she end up crying and all that. She's not getting my point. So at the end of the day, God say what she think I think about me. So I'm not going to do that.

[Pat]

Oh, man, you. You stood up for yourself. Imagine, imagine fighting for your country over something that you. Over a relationship. You know what I'm saying? It's just like. And bro, listen, that's your life.

[Caller 2]

Talk to people in the military. So they tell me they be depressing. I'm already knowing if I'm go there away from fam, away from friends, I'm gonna be depressed doing some. That's not even for me.

[Caller 4]

Okay?

[Mike]

And then, I mean, that sounds like a very like, legit reason.

[Pat]

And sergeant Back door is gonna get her regardless of where you was at anyway. That don't play.

[Mike]

Anyway, if you had a man message for her, what's your message to her?

[Pat]

They should have played some army music.

[Mike]

Go ahead.

[Caller 2]

I don't even got nothing to say to her, bro.

[Mike]

But do you still think about. Oh, so you don't want her back? You just keep thinking about her?

[Caller 2]

Yeah, like I can't take her back. The way the that she put me through, the how she had me feeling. Bro, I ain't trying to.

[Mike]

Oh, so you missed the relationship, but you don't want her back?

[Caller 2]

Yeah, it's like. It's like I'm in love with a ghost, bro. It's like she dead ass.

[Mike]

So what's your okay, what's your mess? What's your message to her?

[Caller 2]

I don't got nothing to say to her.

[Mike]

Good or bad.

[Caller 2]

You said what?

[Mike]

Good or bad?

[Pat]

Good or bad?

[Caller 2]

I mean, like, if I was talking to her, it's a lot of I would like to say, but at the end of the day, it's nothing good. Probably this let me. I don't know. But yeah, I don't got to say.

[Mike]

What song was that?

[Pat]

The army.

[Mike]

As the army anthem.

[Pat]

I've never heard the United States army thing. But hey, man, we. We glad you didn't throw away your life for her. That's good, man. Maybe the breakup was good. Especially if she based y' all whole relationship off. You going into the army. That don't sound like some real love right there.

[Gene]

Anyways,

[Caller 2]

that's how I try to look at it, but not try.

[Pat]

That's how you got to look at it, man. She wanted to control your life.

[Caller 3]

Life.

[Pat]

And as soon as she wasn't able to control your life, she left your ass.

[Gene]

Remind your mom that, too.

[Pat]

Come on. Man's boyfriend should not be talking because he'd be cheating on her. So, like, what the is he talking about?

[Caller 2]

No, no, no. You got the wrong. I said my brother's girl.

[Pat]

Oh, well, your brother's. That's what I'm saying. The girlfriend shouldn't be talking because your brother be cheating on her. So what the is she talking about?

[Caller 2]

First of all, black men don't cheat.

[Pat]

Yeah, they just get left for the army.

[Caller 2]

But can I say something real quick? Go ahead, bro, but y' all say something about my mom. Another thing that I feel like, well, I'm fully not over it is because I still ain't tell my folks, like, the real deal. You feel me?

[Pat]

Why do they think y' all broke up?

[Caller 2]

Just mutual, basically.

[Pat]

They don't know she broke up with you?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Caller 3]

Damn.

[Caller 2]

And they don't know how I felt about that afterwards.

[Pat]

Oh, you got to tell them, man. Don't be afraid, man. Don't let that. Don't let that ego get in the way of, like, you letting your ego get in the way of, like, a lot of stuff, and it's coming back to hurt you. I feel like you just gotta.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Put it out there.

[Caller 2]

I'm trying, but it's not more of an ego thing. It's like just comfortability of just talking about that emotional. I ain't gonna hold. I felt a little weird talking to y' all about this.

[Pat]

I know, but this is like. But, bro, this. This is the new. This is the hardest thing. Like, a lot of people think, like, the tough thing to do is to hold it in and not talk about it. That's not tough no more. That's the old days. The new thing is to actually talk it out with people and confront people and tell people the truth. That's the toughest thing to do. That's because the shit you're doing this kind of soft. You know what I mean? This is what I would deem soft. Like, oh, you weak. This is weak to me. Holding it in, not confronting people, holding secrets. All right, man, why she on the front line, guys?

[Mike]

You have a good one, bro.

[Pat]

Then a walk behind her. Help her aim like this.

[Mike]

Baby girl, you have a good one, bro. Appreciate you.

[Pat]

They hit a target from 800ft out. And then he kissed her on the neck.

[Caller 1]

Ah, hello.

[Mike]

How's it going?

[Pat]

Yo.

[Caller 1]

Hey, how you doing? How y' all doing?

[Mike]

Pretty good. Pretty good.

[Pat]

Wait, why you. I gotta. I gotta. What they say Pat always got a clock of voice.

[Caller 2]

Voice.

[Pat]

I gotta clock your voice.

[Gene]

She's gotta turn up and how y' all doing?

[Pat]

I gotta clock your voice. I'm.

[Caller 1]

Wow.

[Pat]

Okay. I just gotta hear it a little more. Usually sometimes when I think somebody voice fake and then they say a couple more sentences, I feel stupid because I'm like, why would I ever question that? But right now, your voice sounds fake. And I gotta, like, hear you say a couple more things before I ask you a question.

[Caller 1]

Okay, that's fine.

[Mike]

Where are you from?

[Caller 1]

That's fine. I'm from Houston.

[Pat]

Okay, There we go. I hear now. I hear now. Okay.

[Mike]

Be there soon.

[Caller 1]

Yeah, you should.

[Mike]

No, we coming there.

[Caller 5]

Cool out here.

[Mike]

October.

[Pat]

We literally gonna be there. We got a show in October.

[Caller 1]

Oh, really? Okay. That's what's up. Where y' all coming in?

[Mike]

It'll be on our profile.

[Caller 5]

Oh, okay.

[Caller 3]

Okay.

[Caller 5]

Okay.

[Pat]

Go ahead.

[Mike]

Ask the question anywhere you want.

[Caller 1]

Yeah. Cause I forgot. I looked on it, and it seemed like it was erased. So I'm trying to see down. What did I come into?

[Mike]

No, no.

[Pat]

What's something you're embarrassed to admit and you're still healing from?

[Caller 1]

My ex eating his own nut. Like, when it happened, I was like, yeah, you know, this shit cool. But then when I really kind of, like, sat down and thought about it, I was like, that was kind of pretty gay. Like, that was gay as shit of him.

[Pat]

All right, like. And what? Like, describe the scenario for us.

[Caller 1]

How can I say it without getting too explicit?

[Pat]

You might as well keep going.

[Caller 1]

Okay. So, like, we was doing it or whatever, and, like, you know, we. You know, like, we get real kinky. Like, we just do like, real kinky stuff. And. And I didn't. Pretty much did a lot, so I ain't never just kind of, like, experienced this. And I think it was kind of, like, out of this moment. And so, like, we was doing it, and then he finished in me, and I guess he wasn't done. So he went down, like, literally right after seconds of him finishing, he finished. Then he kissed me, and then he went down, and it was all over my. You know, and he just went full throttle. He was down there for, like, 10 minutes, sucking and swallowing. And when he came Up. It was, like, all on his lip. And I haven't finished yet, so I know it wasn't me, and I just didn't know, like, you know, he just got up with a smile and just wiped himself off, and I just didn't know what.

[Pat]

And said, plan B. How about plan C?

[Caller 1]

It was so crazy.

[Caller 4]

It was.

[Pat]

I'm not plan. I'm going to get it myself.

[Caller 1]

Like, he literally m himself.

[Pat]

That almost sucked the embryo out of y. That said the whole operation. That sucks.

[Caller 2]

Sucks.

[Pat]

Every dollar you.

[Caller 1]

It took.

[Mike]

If you want. If you want a job done good, do it yourself. Way too literally.

[Pat]

That.

[Caller 1]

Yeah, that was.

[Mike]

That's crazy.

[Pat]

Say this $47.

[Caller 1]

He said, yeah, that was diabolical. I didn't. I didn't.

[Caller 5]

Huh?

[Mike]

No, I was saying, did that contribute to him becoming your ex?

[Caller 1]

Kind of, sort of. Cause I just couldn't get over there. Like, I was like, you know, if you do that, then, you know, like, what do you do by yourself? So I just. I couldn't really just fuck with that, but.

[Pat]

Okay, but you let it happen.

[Mike]

Yeah, but you guys said you. You guys do kinky stuff, so.

[Caller 1]

Yeah, but, like, to each other, we don't just, you know, go on our own and just, you know, like, that's kind of. You don't think that's kind of crazy?

[Mike]

No, no, I think it's diabolical.

[Pat]

I think this is. I think this is one of the nastiest niggas I ever heard of, but. But you let it happen to you. So I might be talking to one of the nastiest women I've ever heard of, too.

[Caller 1]

I mean. I mean, I did. So I. It's not like I let it happen. It just was like, in my mind, I was like, bro, you know. You know, you just finished. So I'm thinking he was gonna, like, you know, come to. Yeah, he did. He just went hard, and I was like, oh, this some freaky shit. But then, like, later on the next day, I thought about it, and I was like, yeah, bro. Like, you just ate your own shit.

[Mike]

Did you ever bring it up to him?

[Caller 1]

I did. Like, as soon as he did, I was like, yo. Like, you know, but he just was comfortable with it, so I was like, okay, maybe, you know, maybe you tripping.

[Pat]

Okay, so this is my next question. Has he ever finished inside you before?

[Caller 1]

Yes. We was together for, like, four years. He never did that. Like, you know, he'll finish.

[Caller 5]

Finish?

[Caller 1]

Yeah, he'll finish, and he'll clean up and go to sleep or do whatever we do start, you know, continue with

[Pat]

our day that was going to sleep mad as hell, just sitting in there, going to waste.

[Caller 1]

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know if he was just. I don't know if it was just a spot, a moment, but, like, he did, like, he did it dry.

[Mike]

Yeah, that was a bad shot by him that night.

[Pat]

That was crazy. He probably felt comfortable. What's, like, is there something that he might. That you might have done that turned him off?

[Caller 1]

Like, they turn him off?

[Pat]

Yeah, because y'. All. Y' all both going, like, kink for kink.

[Gene]

Like, usually labeled him, though.

[Pat]

Yeah, it's like, kinky. Like, sometimes, like, even when you're doing kinky stuff to each other, it's always one person that take it too far. And, like, you might have took it. He might have took it too far, and you like, oh, but is there something that he might be relating to right now, like, oh, she took it too far when she did that.

[Gene]

This.

[Caller 1]

No, I don't. I don't think so. Because, I mean, I'm not gonna say. I'm not gonna say I pegged him, but it was like, on some. Oh, my God. But, you know, I kind of, like, played with him a little bit, and he kind of tensed up, so he ain't let me just go, like, all the way, but I went half in. So I think that's the only thing that made him feel uncomfortable. And he was like, nah, we just gonna keep it doing regular shit. That's. That's it. And I think, like, I said, it was the nut thing in his mouth. And then we wanted to do, like, the little spitting, like, you know, when they spit him out, but I think it was just the wrong time. We end up doing it, he just, like, cough up a bunch of, like, you know, cough, spit, and spit it on me. Like, he ain't let it drag out his mouth. He just like. And just. And then, like, that was it. That was over. Like, we need have sex because, like, what the.

[Caller 5]

Yeah, I'm sorry.

[Pat]

Mike left, but.

[Caller 1]

Oh, my God.

[Pat]

Yeah, you just. I mean, you let a spit a loogie on you.

[Caller 1]

Yeah, that was cr. Yeah, that was crazy. I think he just thought maybe it was regular spit.

[Caller 4]

Yeah.

[Caller 1]

But the way it came out, it wasn't sexy at all. Like, he really pissed me off.

[Pat]

Now this. He hates you. He spitting on you. He making sure you're not having his kids. He's sucking that out. He might have got rid of you, you know?

[Caller 1]

Nah, I got. I definitely got Rid of. He just left my house yesterday.

[Mike]

Oh, he left your house?

[Pat]

That's what I'm saying, man. You freaky, bro. You. You're a freaky.

[Gene]

It's an enabler.

[Pat]

Yeah, you're an enabler. You and you and you kissing that nigga, huh?

[Caller 1]

I mean, I have.

[Pat]

That's what I'm saying. But you. But you just accused him of, like, oh, if he suck his nut, what else he doing? He might be. And you ain't seen this.

[Caller 1]

I mean, yeah, but we not together, though. But he's still like. Like, nasty. Like, you know, you don't really come about a nasty guy like that. But that shit just was. It was kind of embarrassing, and it kind of had me skeptical. Like, I don't know what else you doing on your own time.

[Caller 4]

So.

[Pat]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Caller 1]

That'll mean I gotta stop. Fuck me.

[Pat]

I'm like, you have a good day.

[Caller 1]

He nasty. Nasty.

[Gene]

You'll see him tomorrow.

[Pat]

You have a good day.

[Gene]

Okay.

[Mike]

We.

[Pat]

We're done with you.

[Gene]

Brush your teeth.

[Pat]

We. We. We honestly appreciate you being a fan of the pod. We can't believe it's ending like this, but we appreciate it.

[Caller 1]

Thank you. Bye, y'. All.

[Mike]

Respect.

[Caller 4]

Huh?

[Mike]

I. I have another question for y'.

[Caller 4]

All.

[Mike]

Do y' all think, especially as people that have kids, who got kids. Kid. Kid. Yeah. Do you think people that have kids. Kids get the best baby shower gifts?

[Pat]

Yes.

[Mike]

By.

[Pat]

By far.

[Mike]

Like, from y' all experience.

[Pat]

Actually, no, they don't because they. They're giving you stuff that you probably should have already bought yourself. Because that's what I'm giving. Like, I'm giving some pull ups and I'm giving you the pull ups from age. You know, the six months pull ups. Like you. You not. Because I want you to recognize me. You can be like, damn, I got six months pull ups I ain't have to go to the store for. Oh, pat me. Got me. He got me prepared Pair. The reason I say the other person gives better because they so dumb. They don't get. For the baby. They like, oh, what the parents need. Here's a new air fryer.

[Mike]

Thanks, bro.

[Pat]

Damn. Thanks, bro.

[Mike]

It's a duel until I've gotten people stuff less. Not on their registry before.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Gene]

I had to tell Mike to send this back.

[Pat]

I was like, yeah, I know.

[Mike]

I got him some that. He already had, like, five of them already.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Of what?

[Mike]

It was like, glass bottles.

[Gene]

Yeah. That were like, the same size as I already had.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Gene]

But I think if, like, you're already in the trenches Then you. You kind of already know what to get, like, first maybe. I don't know. First year life.

[Pat]

Yeah. Don't buy no, like, the bottles. And, like, people got their own preference, and they already did their own research. Especially when you got them momzillas, bro. You gotta stay out their way.

[Mike]

I've seen some people's baby shower list. I'm like, this should be. That's on there for like, a thousand dollars. Like, damn.

[Caller 2]

Damn.

[Pat]

That should be getting bought, bro. Yeah, I'm not gonna lie.

[Mike]

I think there's ways that you can do, like, pools. Like, you can, like, add a little fun to this. Like, the goal. Like, I. I'm putting in for this stroller. That's a thousand dollars.

[Pat]

It just funny. It's just funny that we, like, so accustomed of not giving people money straight up.

[Mike]

That's what I. That's what I be on. I rather give cash or.

[Gene]

Yeah,

[Mike]

I'd rather get cash, dude.

[Pat]

No, real. Okay, so I got a question for y'. All. Okay, so this says it's titled Money has Consequences. Pick one, let me know if you would do it, and then maybe we'll come back around and see, like, which one that you feel the most comfortable for the highest amount of money.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Pat]

Okay, so it's $500 million, but no TV forever, ever. Could you do it? No TV?

[Mike]

What counts as TV? Because I don't currently watch TV. Are you saying, like, no YouTube?

[Pat]

I would say. I would say you can't watch a program, so I would say, like, social media is still intact. Okay, so, like, let's say you seeing clips of Love Island. You can never go watch Love Island. You would just have to live off the clips.

[Mike]

I could do that.

[Pat]

Okay. No movies either.

[Mike]

I could do that.

[Pat]

Yeah. 500 million.

[Mike]

That's it.

[Caller 4]

Okay.

[Pat]

Okay.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Gene]

You'd be. I occupied.

[Pat]

Yes. Yeah, that's pretty easy. It's gonna be up for me, like, as a sports fan, just, like, not knowing if somebody really good I'm watching.

[Mike]

No, I'm just gonna start creating my own movies. Yeah, can't you go though, like, hey,

[Pat]

I'm watching highlight tapes and I think Brad Pitt.

[Mike]

I just want to see a movie with Brad Pitt right now and just tell Brad Pitt to come over. Bring Angelina Jolie.

[Pat]

Oh, that.

[Gene]

Trying to.

[Mike]

Is that. What did he do?

[Pat]

Basically what Diddy did. That got crazy for it all.

[Mike]

No, not. Not to have sex.

[Caller 3]

No.

[Pat]

Puffy SEO Boo.

[Mike]

That's crazy. Don't do that.

[Caller 3]

Don't do that.

[Mike]

I beg of you. That's the One time. I beg y', all, let's not start it, bro, please, please, please. Anybody but him. You guys can skip spamming the. The pills.

[Pat]

Okay?

[Gene]

It.

[Pat]

Mike Kelly in the chat.

[Mike]

No, no, no.

[Pat]

That's even worse. Say anybody.

[Mike]

No, not anybody. No, no, no, no, no. I don't want to be associated with any of them.

[Caller 2]

Okay.

[Pat]

No, nobody else.

[Mike]

Nobody else.

[Pat]

I think it tapped out. I think I know I got somebody else.

[Gene]

No.

[Mike]

This about to say Epstein or some.

[Pat]

No, I would never say.

[Mike]

Come on, now.

[Pat]

Never. That's crazy. I would never do that. Mike Hitler in the. Oh, my God, bro.

[Gene]

I.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Pat]

All right. 600 mil. You can only eat vegetables for the rest of your life, easy. That's pretty good. No, because you can make vegetable salads and.

[Mike]

Nah. What?

[Gene]

Go vegan.

[Mike]

I'm good.

[Pat]

That's easy for 600 mil, bro. There's.

[Gene]

I hate.

[Pat]

That's why I hate hypothetical questions for

[Mike]

like this, But I'm just saying, like, the new considering. What are you considering? I'm considering that already. The 500 mil already. I might consider these as like.

[Pat]

Oh, you got your 500 options, though.

[Gene]

You don't got options.

[Mike]

I thought. I thought there was, like.

[Pat]

No, no, no.

[Mike]

I thought it was, like, options.

[Pat]

We can go back and do that later. But you gotta say, like, if this was your only offer.

[Mike]

Yes, bro.

[Pat]

You're terrible, bro.

[Gene]

How?

[Pat]

I'm taking a 600 meal.

[Mike]

I just said that.

[Pat]

Eat vegetables. Yeah, but just like the way you said it. Over 600 million.

[Mike]

Because I thought I had the 500 mil in the baggy, nigga.

[Caller 1]

Now What?

[Mike]

I'd rather him stop watching movies and only eat. So you wouldn't.

[Gene]

You wouldn't stop eating vegetables for 100

[Mike]

mil, then, yes, I probably would.

[Pat]

No, you can only eat vegetables.

[Gene]

Yeah, that's what I meant.

[Mike]

Yeah, I probably would, but. 100 mil.

[Pat]

But that's it. You see how he's saying it? That's the same thing, though. No, I don't like how he's saying it. So if I had the 600 mil and I was a supposed to give it to him. I like ass.

[Caller 2]

You ain't getting.

[Pat]

They talking about. Yes, I guess 600 mil back to brick strucks ass.

[Mike]

Get the 100 mil. Sounds more like. I know. This is lofty thinking and dreaming. It sounds way more attainable than 600 mil, so that I would probably scoff at the 100 mil part a little bit more.

[Pat]

100 mil to 600 mil.

[Mike]

I know. You just said. He said 100.

[Gene]

Yeah, we got two.

[Mike]

Oh, okay.

[Pat]

Okay, next. Okay. 700 million for $700 million. No texting for life. Just call.

[Caller 3]

Calls.

[Mike]

Oh, that's easy.

[Pat]

Just calls.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah. Oh, man, that's easy. That's easy. That's probably the easiest one.

[Pat]

That is the easiest one. Yeah, I like that one.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Pat]

I'm trying to think of, like, what situation I would be in.

[Mike]

The annoying part would be receiving text and then having to call and, like, call, like your girl. Be like, no, I just say no in person.

[Pat]

No calling a girl. I was like, no, I don't know who Ashley is.

[Mike]

Why is it always Ashley?

[Pat]

I feel like that's the most standard name. And it's like, it's up because it's. It's a couple watching this, and it's a. On a short lease. And the girl. He cheated on his girl with his

[Mike]

name ab

[Pat]

he keep bringing her up.

[Gene]

My fault.

[Mike]

Og hope y now she gonna use us as an excuse that her intuition told her something even the crash don't even know.

[Caller 1]

266 told.

[Pat]

All right. 800 million. Oh, okay. $800 million. And you can never leave your house, so. No, I'mma pass on that one.

[Mike]

Yeah, I'll pass.800 million.

[Pat]

I can't travel.

[Mike]

Yeah, like, that's amaz how you end up in jail. That's how you end up. It's like jail, get bored force, bro.

[Gene]

That's real. I mean, I. I understand the thought process.

[Pat]

No, no, some real.

[Mike]

Also real. I'm just saying, like, me, like, losing my mind type, you guys.

[Gene]

You gotta spend this money.

[Mike]

Come on, bro.

[Pat]

You know, on some real, what would end up happening is I would try to build a house so big where it feels like I'm outside somehow. And I. And like, something would happen where there's an explosion that went off. Like, I can't have that much money and be trapped in the house. Was like, something's going to happen. Like that Pat tried to put a turbo engine in the scat pack. And then I'm.

[Mike]

I'm gna live in a glass house or some.

[Pat]

Oh, no, for real. All right. $900 million. But you can't spend it on friends or family. Ooh, damn.

[Mike]

I guess there's always, like, I hate to do it. I hate. I hate. I'm like, the loophole. The loophole thing I don't like doing in.

[Caller 3]

In.

[Mike]

In hypotheticals. Well, I guess my. My question would be like, yes, she is.

[Gene]

Can you give it to them if you can't?

[Mike]

If I. If, like, if I have a house and I say, hey, mom, do you want to come live with me?

[Pat]

But it's yours. Yeah, you. I mean, you can do that. You just can't spend it on 100 million. You can't spend on them. You can't. Like. Like, there's gonna be somebody if we

[Mike]

take all the little loopholes out. I would say no.

[Pat]

Yes. There's so many loopholes to that point. Yeah. You could be like, I got 10 cars, and my mama just used one of my cars.

[Mike]

I'll take out loopholes. I'll take. Take out loopholes. No, I wouldn't do it.

[Pat]

No, I wouldn't do that either. Like, I got to spend it on friends, family.

[Mike]

I think a G is pondering this.

[Pat]

I'll just be good.

[Gene]

Like, are you good?

[Pat]

You

[Mike]

haven't been giving you nothing for years now.

[Pat]

I got me.

[Mike]

You take the stress of yourself off, honestly. But I guess if I was like. I don't know, if I was, like, 10 years old, this. This answer definitely would have been different.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Pat]

I would have literally left my family.

[Mike]

I no longer a burden to y'.

[Caller 2]

All.

[Pat]

Yes.

[Gene]

Come on.

[Pat]

Come on, man. Honestly, it's been good. I'm going to lie. Come on, now. We live in the hood, bro.

[Mike]

And your parents only did for you for, like, 10 years at that point. And, like, five of those years, you probably don't really remember.

[Gene]

Yeah, man.

[Mike]

So, like, you're. You really only know your parents for real for five years?

[Pat]

Nobody going to say to you know what I'm saying?

[Gene]

I have to just pretend I'm feeling. You know, I just feel bad. Like, damn, I got to buy myself another.

[Mike]

It'll be tough, bro.

[Pat]

I would literally buy myself another family in another village. Let's start anything over. You're, man. Hiring you, man. 10 year contract. You are now my father. Welcome, man. This. Hey, this is the type of buying I want us to have right here.

[Caller 3]

Right here.

[Pat]

All right. $1 billion. But you can't marry anyone. Or you have to. If you're currently married, you have to get a divorce.

[Mike]

Oh, one billion. I can still be with the person.

[Pat]

Yes, but you. But you have to divorce them.

[Mike]

Yeah, that's fine. A billion. Well, now.

[Gene]

Damn.

[Caller 3]

Damn.

[Pat]

Sold a soul for hypotheticals.

[Mike]

No, she would tell me to do it.

[Pat]

Yeah, she probably would.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

All women would tell you to do it. Well, let's see what happened after you do it. Babe, why wouldn't you take a million dollars? You come with the divorce papers.

[Mike]

Seriously, I can't believe you actually did it.

[Pat]

She don't Give a. It's like that. You can't hear it because the helicopter going off. You actually got a divorce. Let's talk about it on the helicopter. Can't hear you. All right. 1.5 billion. But you spend the rest of your life in jail. So that's basically saying like, yeah, you going like. Can you imagine? I ain't gonna lie. I love my dad. But if I had 1.5 million and I was in prison for the rest of my life, that would mean, like, my parents would be the one that's spending the money, because that's the only way I would feel satisfied. And I can't imagine that just living life and telling me about it over the phone. You won't believe what happened last night. So, you know, so I understand. So we bought the Mavs, right? And we went to the basketball game. Nigga Cooper flag just ducked on everybody.

[Mike]

I just had dinner with Obama. You know Obama, right? He was president, like, a couple years. You were out then, right?

[Pat]

And I feel like you would be a big target in prison.

[Caller 2]

Like.

[Pat]

Like, people.

[Mike]

Prison is stupid.

[Pat]

Yeah, that's stupid. Three billion. I ain't going to do that. When it says no sleeping, but that's, like, impossible.

[Mike]

Yeah. Like, you physically not.

[Pat]

Yeah, that's some like, little kids.

[Mike]

That's what you died to.

[Pat]

Yes. Before you get to spend. You don't need. You don't even need 3 billion, bro. Nobody needs to be a billionaire. That shit is terrible.

[Mike]

Are you anti billionaire?

[Pat]

Hell, yeah, I'm anti billionaire until you become one. And I'm super anti. I would never become a billionaire. I feel like you got to do some slimy shit.

[Mike]

Yeah, I feel like it.

[Pat]

At some point you got to slime.

[Mike]

Somebody else said, we're not trying to get political now, but this said Trump made a hundred. 1.2. $1.5 billion in crypto

[Pat]

since he's been in office, bro. He's. He's.

[Gene]

He's.

[Mike]

That's crazy. He made more than coinbase and distribute crypto.

[Pat]

And then you can get away with it by. By telling them that, hey, my son run my business.

[Mike]

You can't tell me somebody's that good at crypto and then that higher.

[Pat]

Nobody is, bro. Then they're getting all insider information. Are hitting him up right before. Okay, I got a question for y'.

[Caller 2]

All. What?

[Pat]

How do y' all set up guys night? Like, how do you set up going out without your girl, even though she's free?

[Mike]

Okay. This is how I usually set it up. I'm kind of Giving up game. I have to make sure I do something with my girl before guys night. Now.

[Pat]

How. How far.

[Mike]

How far it has to be if, say, if we're going out on Friday, I have to do something within. Just before Friday. I think it doesn't really matter, but usually maybe something a little bit closer so she don't forget it.

[Pat]

Okay.

[Mike]

Like one. Say like on Wednesday. Right. I have to do something with her first. And then I can present guys guys night as well.

[Pat]

What about you?

[Gene]

I lowkey might need a week in advance.

[Pat]

Okay.

[Gene]

That's not bad. But that's like. For me, that's ideal, you know, that's normal. Last Friday we hung out and shit. We did our thing, you know? So this Friday, I'm gonna kick it with the guys and we're gonna talk about.

[Mike]

But you. Do you agree that you have to do something with your girl?

[Gene]

Yeah, it's. It's kind of like. Yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

That's why I try to set up. I already try to set up like a weekly date night regardless. And I would have she. Me and her have had that conversation about, like, guys night as well, being incorporated as well. So I gotta have that system kind of laid out already.

[Pat]

Mine is. Mine is like, different. Okay, I like that strategy, but that. I don't feel like that's a good strategy because. Because sometimes, especially when you're in a relationship, your girl gets away with a lot more than she does with a regular human being. Like, she says sometimes she's very irrational. They're just like, if you said this to a nigga on the street, but it's just like they sometimes forget those things. Like, you could have took them out. You could have took her out to a date on Wednesday. And you going out on Friday, she's like, well, we ain't hung out in a long time. And it's just like. Just for that even being a thought, matter of fact, I'm gonna get rid of that thought thought. When you have something that's a girl's night, oh, I'm involved. You know, here's. Here's a hundred dollars. Go crazy. Get the girls some shots. Oh, y' all need a ride? Pick up, drop off everything. So now when I have a guy's night, I don't. Don't say shit to me. You know what I'm saying?

[Caller 1]

You.

[Pat]

There's no way you can say anything to me. I was too involved in influencing your girls night and making sure y' all

[Gene]

had a good time.

[Mike]

I feel like also, like, I would say most of our girls probably don't trip about this. It's just the locality location because it's like, where are you, where are you going? Because like if it's a normal, like we go into a random little lounge place, you know, it's like, it's like, hey, go ahead. But we, we in Toronto and we're going out. Best believe looking at your location like a video game.

[Pat]

I ain't got so many questions like why. Why would the Uber turn that way? Don't know how the would I know Got me questioning the Uber driver. My girl said, why you turn to the left?

[Mike]

Do you know some funny cuz my girl knew I was at a spot where I was the, the day before. Cuz we remember when we went to a, we went to a restaurant the first day. Yeah, yeah, we went to, we went to a restaurant the first day and then we went to like another bar that was next door the next day.

[Pat]

You talking to me?

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah, but what happened was that she was like, you guys went to the same place as yesterday. And I was like, no. I was like, there's not the same place at all. It looked kind of familiar. But then we got the rooftop and I looked across the street and I saw the place where I yesterday. I was like, bro, I don't even know where I'm at.

[Pat]

Oh yeah, I do remember that. We were like, we were kind of turned around.

[Mike]

Yeah, we went out by new places,

[Pat]

I think because we went out by ourselves.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

And then someone took us out who knows the city. So it's even funny that we were over in the same vicinity that they were telling us to do dough. And yeah, that was weird as hell. We end up being on the same bar. I think we went to the same bar twice. That was crazy.

[Gene]

My girl got this thing about landmarks, right. Because she barely travels. She doesn't travel as much as I do, you know. So we were on our way to Boston, driving from Philly, you know, we passed New York and, and I got a text message. She was like, so you're just gonna drive past the Statue of Liberty and not send me a picture?

[Pat]

Oh, that's funny. That's funny as fuck. No, I don't, I don't like checking locations though. Like I like, obviously I have, I have my, I have my girl's location, but I don't really like checking it because like when that I was in a relationship, like it was like one of my first relationships where I even exchanged locations with a girl. And it was in college and I Checked her location one time and she wasn't picking up this after she already missed two calls. And, like, her icon was jumping up and down. I'm like, oh, my gosh, she getting fucked. I like the iPhone telling it. She's like, I hit her up. Like, what the going on? Your icon moving like that.

[Mike]

Me and my girl, we both work from home, technically, I guess, so.

[Pat]

You don't work from home, brother.

[Mike]

We don't really share our location. I do share if I'm going out, though.

[Pat]

Got it.

[Mike]

Like, if I'm going out, like, I would want her to know where I'm at in case, like, something happens to me. No, no, no.

[Pat]

Not like that. Oh, my God.

[Mike]

I don't know why I can't say that with a straight face.

[Pat]

I know, man. Hey, she lives in luxury apartments, baby.

[Mike]

At least I did the hood with the. With the heat wave that's going on, right?

[Pat]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

I saw a tweet and said, it said, please wear deodorant with the chemicals in it. And that's facts. Like, this heat wave is not the time to try to save the environment. Wear everything with all the heavy metals in it. That's going to keep you from being musty. Like, you can't do the vegan deodorant in this type of heat wave. It's hot as fuck right now, bro.

[Gene]

I was at the thrift store the other day.

[Caller 3]

Day.

[Gene]

And there's this guy in there with a mask on. And I was like, okay, like, shout out to him. And then the walked past me. Got the nerve to be mustach.

[Pat]

The couldn't take it himself. Said, God damn. Said, I ain't put on, but I a about to smell this. What if you went up to a nigga and just be like, bro, you stinking like, nigga, I know. Why you think I got the mask on? Oh, man, no. Oh, one thing. I gotta stop this. This for this for my boy Jaden. All right? Because, like, he's probably the first friend that I've had that smokes hookah like that. Asks for it regularly whenever he's out. And my problem with hookah and men is, like, it's okay if you smoke hookah. You like smoking hookah? I don't really like it. Cause I don't get that the. You know what I'm saying? That little ass.

[Gene]

Hey.

[Pat]

Hi. Y' all be getting. I like, I don't understand it. And it's like talking and walking with the hookah in your hand is crazy to me.

[Mike]

Oh, what? Okay. I'VE seen you with the portable hookahs, though.

[Pat]

Yeah, but the portable hookahs. But I'm just saying, like just getting up. Like, I feel like if you do hookah, like, no, I don't recommend doing hookah. I think, like, I don't really get it. But if you do hookah, I feel like you should sit there, there. You should be the one that's chill and everybody else should be talking. Like, there's no way you should be talking to me. And you got the hookah thing in your hand. Like, do your little hookah and then come back to the conversation. Or like be a bystander. But the that be doing a hookah standing up. Like, ah, let's go. Turn up. And he still got that in his hand. Like it's some type of wand or something. Like out of here.

[Mike]

Get head highs tricks with it and.

[Pat]

Be taking. Man, that should be killing me, bro. Getting blueberry mess.

[Mike]

So we said we should do start doing like comments of the week or something like that. First of all, people are complaining about ads, bro. We can't control how many ads are not podcast. Let us make money too, bro.

[Pat]

Go, go get it. Ad free.

[Mike]

Yeah, Patreon ad free. Let me said not gonna lie. Seeing y' all post be making my day. And then some be under the cops comments. Said, two men making you happy is crazy. Another person said meat riding. Another person said professional eater. There's another person said glazing like Krispy Kreme. And it's kind of like, it's tough because sometimes we ask for support. And I feel like when people support, they get made fun of for supporting.

[Pat]

I mean, that's a good community right there. Checks and balances. People know. People know what's good support. And people, people like, obviously, like, if you support us, you're going to get a glazing accusation. But we know, we know supporting us through a glazing accusation means a lot more, especially when you know there's repercussions coming from that dick riding you're doing.

[Gene]

I think that's support too, though, when call people out for like glazing and like that.

[Pat]

Yeah. Because it's like, damn, I want to say this, but I wouldn't say it because it's glazing. So that kind of let us know, like, hey, they wanted to dick ride, but they was too scared. They're too scared of the dick, man.

[Mike]

So crazy.

[Pat]

They were scared of the dick. That's why they ain't dick ride, bro. It's cool, bro.

[Mike]

So I saw this video on Instagram and it was said when, when someone catches me at work, but I'm supp. I'm supposed to be a fashion with mysterious source of income. And there's a video of him like working at a factory, working like at Amazon and like that. And it's funny because there are dudes like that on Instagram, on social media who acts so mysterious and like, you know, they'd be like flashing money and like that. And they work a regular job. It's just like are afraid to think it's not cool to have a job.

[Pat]

I think it's dope because like then they'll flaunt in your face and be like, oh, I sell these hats or these clothes. And you'll both look at each other, be like, bro, I know you don't make enough money to live off these sales. So what the do you really do do? What's our guy named?

[Caller 1]

Ray.

[Pat]

Ray always late.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

I don't know what the that do for a living.

[Mike]

Fresh as Ray.

[Pat]

Be fresh as and that always on a cruise ship or the Bahamas.

[Gene]

I'm pretty sure he's some kind of engineer.

[Mike]

Yeah, I think so.

[Pat]

That's what I'm saying. That like mysterious like, you know what I'm saying? And just like he always got some cash on him like that. I think that is dope. And, and Jean just exposed that like he Batman.

[Caller 1]

He posted.

[Mike]

He always in front of like, yeah.

[Pat]

Oh, okay. But that's it. I like that mysterious. Like if people didn't know about the pot and like it still made the same amount of money, I wouldn't be going out telling more about the pot. I'd be on some mysterious because you get more respect from that. Like when people see me driving around in a nice car or nice clothes, I hate that. People just be like, he got that. Because of that. It's just like do, huh?

[Mike]

Even though you do.

[Pat]

Even though I do. I wish it was just like he got that. I don't know how.

[Caller 3]

You know what I'm saying?

[Caller 4]

Saying.

[Pat]

And then that's when you get like the racist people just. They call the cops on you. Yeah. The neighbors think I'm selling dope. Selling dope.

[Mike]

I had like my like my first like stay in school kids kind of moment or I was driving, these kids were on a bike and they, they drove past my car and they drove pack. They drove up to my car and rolled my window down. They're like, you in the NBA? I said, nah. So what you do for bit a Little living. So I got a podcast. Like, he's like, like, on you. You had a tick tock and stuff like that. Like, yeah, I was like, he's like, what's your advice? Like, I have a tick tock. I want this. I was like, stay in school, kids. And I rolled my window up and drove off.

[Pat]

Nah, bro, that's the real advice. I think our new advice is we gotta start lying to these kids because everybody can't be content creators. Like everybody.

[Mike]

Bro, did you see how many people lined up for the streamer university? No, you're right though, you're.

[Pat]

But if, like, if you would have drove past some kids and just be like, yeah, I'm the local guard garbage man. And they'd be like, damn, you can get, you can attain this life. Well, being the garbage man. Something that's more attainable.

[Mike]

But that's like stolen valor.

[Pat]

Oh, to be. You right. You right. Because they work hard. Yeah, yeah, but one thing like that's what. But a shout out to them. Garbage. But the garbage man, no, the waste guys, they'd be making hella money.

[Mike]

Yeah, they do.

[Pat]

And they don't even be as stinky as you would think.

[Mike]

Nah. And like, I like when people like, like don't dumb their position down either. Because like you where you said like garbage man. Most people like, I work in like waste management. Yeah, something like that.

[Pat]

You know, it's like they do, they do like an important job. Very like very important job. But I want to say I think it's dumb as fuck that we got to wear seatbelts and these niggas just be hanging off the back of the

[Mike]

truck like, like it's mad Max.

[Pat]

Like, bro, what the fuck going on, bro?

[Gene]

They just got some good insurance or some shit.

[Pat]

Like, bro, be hanging and be doing the trash can so dirty. Like, bro, I know your best bag hurt, bro.

[Mike]

Some of them try to add like too much finesse in this. Yeah, bro, they be like skating on the ground. You see like the, the, the flares kind of flaring off their boots and, and they stop by like I found

[Pat]

out a little secret about them that I never even thought of being possible. Like usually on their route, like, especially if they're probably going through a neighborhood at like 5:30am, 6:30am they're not seeing people, so they really don't give up a. But some of their later routes where they're going through it like, you know they're ending their day is like 7:30, 8:30, 9:00'. Clock. They're seeing people go to work and they're actually seeing the people that live in those places. And I watched these garbage dudes like it was a bunch of girls that live together. They like room together. And these garbage. They take their time with the garbage over there. Yeah, they all get out. I saw the driver get out and start checking the truck. Nothing. I you never seen a garbage truck on the side of the road? My them is indestructible. Like, why are you stopping over here?

[Caller 3]

Oh, man.

[Pat]

Taking the bag out and he was holding the bin with one arm and the bag with one arm and tossed it and then did some little spin trick to spin the bag. Then a turned his body to the side.

[Mike]

That's. Hey. Oh, man. Anyway, that's been the podcast again. Make sure sure you guys subscribe to Patreon. It is half off in July. Merch Live show. We're doing a big this year. This is the last. Is this the last quarter yet? August is the last quarter. No quarters once fourth quarter start. Regardless, we, we, we all. Steve's ahead for the last for the end of the year. Make sure you guys keep supporting us. Share our podcast with people and again, get the live show tickets as early as possible. As soon as they release, we're going to like post them on about it. Make sure you get it. Don't wait till last minute. Patreon, what else we got?

[Pat]

Merch.

[Caller 2]

Merch.

[Mike]

Follow us on our platforms. My YouTube channel.

[Pat]

Yeah, let's go.

[Mike]

All right, y'.

[Caller 3]

All.

[Caller 2]

Peace.