Her Mom Stole Her Name - Episode 267

Summary

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Crash Dummies Podcast: "Her Mom Stole Her Name"

Episode 267 | July 15, 2026
Hosts: Patrick “Pat” Johnson & Michael “Mike” Esiobu

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Episode Overview

In this lively episode, Pat and Mike are joined by recurring guests Carrie and Gene as well as several callers for a classic blend of irreverent humor, relatable confessions, and unpredictable stories. They riff on everything from social media burner accounts to high school relationships, but the episode’s emotional anchor is a caller’s story about discovering her mom used her real name as a stripper stage name. Along the way, the crew takes spontaneous calls, weighs in on relationship struggles, and offers their signature banter on current events and viral topics.

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Main Discussion Points & Highlights

Social Media Burners, Internet Influence, and Public Persona

Timestamps: 00:30 – 06:49

• Burner Accounts:
  • Pat jokes about having a burner TikTok and wanting more anonymous freedom online:

    "I miss living that life where I can say anything...Now we actually have an account or in a personality..." (Pat, 00:54)

  • Mike teases Pat about being too responsible:

    "Go write your piece of paper, bro." (Mike, 02:12)

• Listener Interactions:
  • Pat read DMs from fans, highlighting bizarre or funny messages they get, such as one fan learning English from the podcast and sending wild follow-up messages (05:53).
• On Being Vulnerable Online:
  • The group laughs about personal moments getting picked apart in comments, especially from people they know IRL:

    "If I know you personally, like, say it in person. Then again, like, the fuck." (Pat, 05:37)

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Group Chats, Inside Jokes, and Celebrity Gossip

Timestamps: 06:49 – 18:25

• Rejected by Friends?
  • The hosts talk about avoiding direct rejection by reading “the room” and sparing themselves, especially in group chats.
• Chick-Fil-A Rants:
  • Pat rants about drive-thru congestion and why some locations’ parking lots are always packed when no one can go in (09:02).
  • Carrie and others share their mixed experiences with Chick-Fil-A’s infamous slow lines.
• Dave Chappelle’s “Everywhere Cigarette” Bit:
  • Observations on how Chappelle can seemingly smoke anywhere, crowd reactions, and the increasing normalization of smoking at venues (11:14 – 12:54).

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Viral News & Thrill-Seeker Debates

Timestamps: 13:44 – 18:25

• Pilot’s Instructor Suicide:
  • Discussion of the headline where a flight instructor jumps out of a plane mid-flight, leaving a 22-year-old student to land alone:

    "I would literally go to his funeral and drive a plane through that...No, that, though. That's some whole ass." (Pat, 14:24)

  • The group debates the ethics and aftermath, with Carrie and Mike questioning why people risk thrill rides abroad or in unfamiliar places.
• Social Media Grieving & Mockery:
  • Pat and Mike reflect on internet reactions after public figures die, acknowledging how easily reputations are mocked and how that affects families:

    "Pick and choose how you want to live on this earth because people will clown you." (Mike, 17:49)

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Call-In Confessions: Dating & Real-Life Drama

Timestamps: 20:48 – 79:55

Dating, Self-Esteem, and Catfishing

• Listener “Chopped Homie” Call:
  • A caller laments being the "chopped" (unattractive) friend on double dates, considering catfishing as an option.
  • The hosts roast him but also offer genuine advice:

    "Confidence can be built, bro... How you smell, how you dress, lot of different things...Confidence, Confidence, my brother." (Pat, 41:47, 43:15)

    • Key tip: "You not chopped if the 11th girl like you." (Pat, 42:03)

Struggles in Modern Relationships (Multiple Callers)

• "What’s Something You Did for Love You’d Never Do Again?”

  • Caller 1 shared:

    “Share a man.” (Piper, 52:01)

    • Story: Willingly let her boyfriend see other women, believing he was just “cuddling” with his female best friend, only to find he was sleeping with them.
  • Hosts express mock disbelief and commiseration:

    "You play so much. You think life a game, don't you?" (Pat, 55:44)

• Military Love Gone Wrong:

  • Caller recounted being ghosted by a high school sweetheart who joined the Navy, only to attempt contact after basic training:

    "He literally ghosted me...[then] his snap score kept going up after he was not responding to my texts or calls." (Piper, 62:32)

Shocking Personal Revelations

• Murder Case Caller:
  • Young listener calls in to reveal a friend landed him in jail for murder as a teen, with harrowing details of jail time and betrayal.

    “The day before I got arrested for murder, my dad died in my arms. And he knew this and still let me sit in jail." (Guest, 31:01)

    • The hosts caution him not to talk about it on air while still on probation.
• AI & Meme Callbacks:
  • Guest sends wild AI-generated memes/pictures of the hosts, triggering more group roasts about “misinformation” (66:03).

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TITLE STORY:

Her Mom Stole Her Name

Timestamps: 66:27 – 80:03

• The Reveal:
  • A listener (Piper) describes discovering, via her little brother, that her mother worked as a stripper—and used “Piper” as her stage name.

    "I actually found out that the stage name she went by was actually my name.” (Piper, 67:31) “I thought she was like, oh, my stripper name is Piper. Then I had a kid. I'mma just name my kid Piper...No. No. She already had you and your name was Piper. And then she took your name to the stage." (Pat & Piper, 71:01)

  • Awkwardness about sitting at the table knowing “all these men in the club” called her mother by her own name.
  • The crew jokes about her mother’s rationalization—she already had a “Piper” tattoo—leading to speculation about generational legacies and the boundaries of parental choices.

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Names, Identity, and Family Beef

Timestamps: 74:05 – 80:03

• Name Spelling Drama:
  • Another caller shares her frustration that her mom added a silent "i" to her name, “Shalondia,” confusing everyone for decades and caving to peer pressure:

    "For 31 years, she told me that I was silent and my name was Shalonda...at 31, I'm like, okay, mom, explain to me your logic.” (Piper/Shalondia, 74:48)

  • She's given herself a nickname, “Shawnee,” for professional purposes, and now code-switches her name depending on where she is.

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Classic Crash Dummies Clowning—High School Love, Social Media, and Culture

Timestamps: 80:04 – END

• High School Relationships:
  • The hosts reflect on high school dating’s fleeting significance and how exes become “like cousins," making for hilarious and borderline out-of-pocket revelations (89:29).
• Woman Crush Wednesday Etiquette:
  • Pat: “Woman Crush Wednesday was supposed to be high risk shit... I want to see the niggas that single say woman Crush Wednesday to a girl and her put thank you and that's it on that nigga post and just see that nigga heart get crushed.” (Pat, 85:27)
• Subway and Fast Food Pet Peeves:
  • The group debates the etiquette of ordering at Subway and Chipotle, roasting people who freeze in line or try experimental combos last minute.
• Rapid-Fire Tweets of the Week:
  • Hilarious segment mocking the logic of viral tweets, such as confusion over chickens only having four legs in a 10-piece meal (92:30), and struggling rappers flexing about money after begging for free beats.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Influence and Responsibility:

  "If I have a bad day and I don't like the way Kevin Durant shot a basketball, I can't get on here and say anything about KD, because my responsibility is to know that I'm influencing others." – Pat (00:54)

• On Learning English from the Podcast:

  “Yo, I just wanted to tell y’all that I learned English listening to you and Mike. Thank you, man. Tell Mike his dick small.” – Fan DM, read by Pat (06:35)

• On High School Breakups:

  "All my high school girlfriends are my cousins now that's how I look at them." – Pat (89:29)

• On Mom Stealing Her Name for a Stripper Persona:

  “I actually found out that the stage name she went by was actually my name.” – Piper (67:31)
  “She couldn't think... They must have called her at a bad time. Like, come on, give me your name. Give me your name.” – Pat (71:21)

• On Giving Yourself a Nickname for Professional Life:

  "At 19, I gave myself a nickname so that I could not have to deal with the whole, well, why is there an eye?" – Shawnee/Shalondia (77:45)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Burner Accounts & Internet Persona: 00:30–06:49
• DM Reads & Listener Engagement: 05:53, 21:13, 39:01
• Chick-Fil-A & Group Chat Rants: 09:02–10:44, 81:00–83:49
• Dave Chappelle Observations: 11:14–12:54
• Viral News/Bizarre Stories: 14:04–16:32
• Call-ins Begin: 20:48
• Murder Case Confession: 30:11–37:56
• Catfishing & Dating Struggles: 39:01–47:40
• Relationship “Mistakes for Love”: 52:01–64:53
• Her Mom Stole Her Name (Piper’s Story): 66:27–71:21
• Name Spelling Beef: 74:05–80:03
• Social Media & High School Love Discourse: 85:05–90:00
• Tweets of the Week: 90:30–95:20

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Tone & Style

• Candid, Roasting Humor: The Crash Dummies' signature is raw, unfiltered comedy—expect bleeped expletives, friendly bullying, and group roast sessions.
• Empathetic Moments: Despite their jokes, Pat and Mike frequently check in with callers, offering advice and genuine affirmation amid the hilarity.
• Relatable Vulnerability: Callers confess to everything from dating woes to family revelations, making the podcast an unfiltered mirror of millennial/Gen Z life.
• Light Social Commentary: The group doesn’t shy away from mocking internet and pop culture absurdities, always in a conversational, never preachy tone.

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Summary Takeaways

This episode is a microcosm of what makes Crash Dummies a fan favorite: unpredictable stories, authentic interactions, laugh-out-loud commentary, and moments of real-life connection. Whether it’s uncovering family secrets, surviving jail time, lamenting single life, or just navigating the chaos of group chats and Chick-Fil-A lines, Pat, Mike, and the Crash squad turn everyday struggles into comedic gold.

Essential Listening: The "Her Mom Stole Her Name" story (66:27–71:21) is especially memorable, but every call-in segment offers unfiltered slices of modern life you won’t hear anywhere else.

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Transcript

[Piper]

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[Pat]

The tweet says, wait, Saucy Santana is a question mark, question mark. And then the comment says is. He commented again under his own post and said, it's getting spooky out here, fellas. Play all day, though.

[Mike]

You said what?

[Pat]

Huh?

[Mike]

You said what?

[Pat]

I said play all day. That's all they do is play around on the Internet.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pat]

It's just like. It's like. It must be fun. I miss living that life where I can say anything. Like, now we actually have an account or in a personality that if we say anything, it actually can get to the other person. Like, if I have a bad day and I don't like the way Kevin Durant shot a basketball, I can't get on here and say anything about kd, because my responsibility is to know that I'm influencing others. And KD gonna take that way more harsher than he takes somebody on the Internet. And he might actually say some shit back to me, you know what I'm saying? So it's just like, I hate that. I can't be that no more. I got to get a burner account.

[Mike]

I feel like you do have a burner account.

[Pat]

I do. See, that's the shit I'd be talking about. What the fuck?

[Carrie]

You have a burner.

[Pat]

I feel like, yeah, yeah, I got a burner TikTok. I'm talking about a real burner account. You're not supposed to talk about, you know, never supposed to accuse nobody of having a burner account. That's what's wrong, bro. Like, y' all supposed to is on his own island. You ain't got no burner account?

[Mike]

Nah, bro.

[Pat]

Weak as. You ain't got no burner account.

[Carrie]

I don't.

[Pat]

You ain't got no burner account?

[Carrie]

Nah.

[Pat]

That's why y' all so suppressed. Y' all don't be saying what y' all want to say.

[Mike]

I don't have a burner account. That I'm talking on either journal.

[Pat]

Br.

[Mike]

Exactly.

[Pat]

No, that go right.

[Mike]

Go write your piece of paper, bro.

[Carrie]

With no consequences.

[Mike]

Man, I be.

[Pat]

I be harassing the out of Adele on her time.

[Mike]

No, no, don't say that.

[Pat]

I hate you. She thinks she could just disappear. Leave a lonely.

[Mike]

My gosh.

[Pat]

I just saying they tired of playing the same songs.

[Mike]

Oh, man.

[Pat]

Drop something care about this Rich Paul Drop something did on my real account, man. I with Rich Paul shout out. Respect. Respect. Respect.

[Mike]

Yo, yo, that's not what we doing.

[Pat]

Hello.

[Mike]

Hey, the radio is for people who are. Welcome to Crash Dummies podcast. Anyway, welcome to crash dummies episode 268. 787 2.

[Pat]

68. 267.

[Mike]

Damn. We are at 67.

[Guest]

267.

[Pat]

It's 267. Yeah, okay, we'll give a.

[Mike]

Anyway, we are back on tour. Go to crashdummieslive.com. all the dates probably aren't there right now. Florida, Texas, Cali. I think everything's in there. Oh, no.

[Pat]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

We got San Fran Live. Oh yeah, all that. We're gonna be in the UK as well. Manchester, London, Birmingham. All in. The bio merch is live. We got Carrie here today.

[Carrie]

Hi, y'. All.

[Mike]

We got Gene.

[Carrie]

Peace.

[Mike]

We got. We got pj.

[Pat]

Don't. Don't call me nobody. Nobody's ever called me. No, don't call me pj.

[Mike]

Everybody that don't really know you and

[Pat]

that's wrong for you attacking me on what I said before the camera. What you say, how I said I'm not going to talk about something and then you bro you.

[Mike]

I don't care about that.

[Pat]

Yes, you do care about that. No, no, I don't say you sort of got. You don't care about that. Or we can have a long conversation.

[Mike]

Wait, about the dm.

[Pat]

No, no. You want me to read the dm?

[Mike]

No, that's crazy.

[Pat]

I won't read the deal.

[Mike]

No, you can do the dm. Cuz it's still in the context of.

[Pat]

I'm talking about the other thing though. But I'll read the dm.

[Mike]

Me walking across the camera and everybody say I talk about my ass in the comments.

[Carrie]

What a fatty. I'm on.

[Guest]

Come on now.

[Pat]

Oh, that's crazy.

[Mike]

Crazy.

[Pat]

That's crazy.

[Mike]

It's okay. Like, it's my fault. It's my fault.

[Pat]

I knew.

[Mike]

I knew better and I couldn't. I saw the. The clip already and I could have cut it out.

[Pat]

You know why I couldn't help you?

[Mike]

Why?

[Pat]

Cuz I couldn't see it all.

[Carrie]

You should have blurred it out.

[Pat]

I couldn't see.

[Mike]

Blurred my eyes Blurred it out.

[Guest]

He walked across.

[Pat]

I was like, damn, bro, I can't help you out.

[Mike]

No, I was too lazy to. To. To. To edit that part out.

[Pat]

Yeah, he kicked me up, too. Y' all stand up. No, it was. I'm not gonna lie.

[Mike]

Like, it was a starving and woman in there.

[Pat]

Instagram. Oh. First of all, side note, side note, side note. It is so fun to joke, but it's only fun to me to joke with people that watch the pot that. I don't know. Like, if I met you through the pie and you joke about something like, oh, Pat, shut the fuck up. That's cool. If I know you in person and I see you once a month, you are not allowed to make a joke on the Internet. You know what I mean?

[Mike]

Like, don't.

[Pat]

Don't pile in on comments. If I know you personally, like, say it in person. Then again, like, the fuck.

[Mike]

Why? Yeah. Oh, my God.

[Guest]

That's.

[Pat]

I'm trying to help you out.

[Mike]

Yeah, that was. There was one person made a joke in there.

[Pat]

I was like, bro, okay, I'mma re.

[Mike]

So weird.

[Pat]

Yeah, that's so weird.

[Mike]

That's so weird.

[Pat]

I'mma read next time. That's your warning, though. And. And if you don't hear this warning, I mean, you don't listen to the pot, so then I can really say some. That's a warning, though, because this is like, one and a half time doing that. Okay. I posted a picture of me and my girl and some dude DM me and said, I know she pegged you before. Then he responded to his. So, I'm sorry. I'm drunk. Then he responded to himself and says, love the pod, man. Keep it up. And I typed back. I was like, where is God in all this? And then he responded, God is in our heart. And he's like, yo, I just wanted to tell y' all that I learned English listening to you and Mike. Thank you, man. Tell Mike his dick small.

[Carrie]

That's the language y' all be saying

[Pat]

here on the podcast, I would definitely see, like, he probably got that from me. I guess I take credit for that lesson right here.

[Mike]

But it was just because last episode, this girl called.

[Carrie]

I wouldn't know.

[Mike]

Oh, my God.

[Pat]

Oh, my God. We needed you last week, too.

[Mike]

No, we did. That's the up part.

[Carrie]

I almost said something. Never mind.

[Pat]

Wait, what happened? Wait, what happened?

[Mike]

No, we. You were. You really weren't on the pod last week because we are considerate of your time. We were planning, like, guys, do, like, five minutes. I was like, I'm not gonna tell Carrie. Like, can you be here in five minutes? That's like very misogynistic.

[Pat]

Yes.

[Mike]

You know, to think that you had

[Pat]

that much free time as a reporter.

[Guest]

You got.

[Pat]

Come on now. You important around the city host.

[Carrie]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

In the mlb.

[Pat]

Come on.

[Carrie]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what's so crazy about that though, is I could have just said, hey, y', all, I'm actually not free. And then what would have happened?

[Mike]

No, but we just.

[Pat]

We also. We also. We also. I would say me and Mike, we bond on this because we talked about this before. We don't get rejected for that exact reason.

[Carrie]

Y' all be scared.

[Pat]

I'm telling you. When people. When people hear like, oh, Pat always talking about he never been rejected by a woman. Not fully like that. Because I get hints and I read people well. Or I'm like, Damn, it's a 50, 50 chance this can happen. And I don't like my chances. So I'm not going to push it there. I didn't want you to text us back and be like, nah, that shit

[Mike]

was going to hurt.

[Pat]

Like, I was probably going to say some shit. Back to being healed. I was probably gonna send back, no you there. That's my defense mechanism.

[Carrie]

Crazy, bro.

[Pat]

Oh, yeah, that's what I want to talk to you about, cuz I saw you. Where were we at at the same time? Cuz we ended up at Chick Fil a together too, in the same drive thru line.

[Mike]

You know, we were.

[Guest]

We're here.

[Pat]

Oh, we was here. Okay, my bad. My memory up.

[Mike]

I was gonna say where we really at, but then it would have sounded weird.

[Pat]

Oh, no, you're safe. So anyways, we ended up in the Chick Fil a line. Not like that. I don't know, it was just.

[Mike]

It was us too.

[Pat]

Y' all got what we doing? Oh, anywho. No, that's just me. Come on now. I'd rather take

[Piper]

it.

[Pat]

God damn. Any. Whoa.

[Carrie]

Line.

[Mike]

Wemby just signed a five year deal. Extension.

[Pat]

Extension.

[Mike]

Extension. Go ahead.

[Pat]

Okay, so you know in like Chick Fil a, you can't go inside the one at Bayshore. Yeah, well, any of them. I've never been inside.

[Piper]

Well,

[Mike]

but yeah, you can go inside this.

[Pat]

Yeah, you can't go inside the one at. There's some certain Chick Fil a's you can't go inside. Right, the one that we live by, you can't go inside. So obviously there's a parking lot at every place. Every time I go to a place, the parking lot is Packed. And that's how it always is for, like, Chick Fil A. It's just like, why is there parking lot packed and you can't fucking go inside? Like, who the fuck is in these cars?

[Mike]

But they'd be moving the lines. The lines be moving fast at Chick Fil A.

[Carrie]

Not the base one, bro. Shout out. And I love me a good Chick Fil A line, but that one goes by very slow.

[Pat]

Really? You think so? Yes, I think that's a patient. Yeah.

[Carrie]

Okay, thanks.

[Pat]

I think she low. You got a little demonic if you don't like filet lines.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Mike]

And she hasn't opened her water yet, so you already know what's happening right now. She ain't Disney. You know what?

[Carrie]

Y' all be acting like y' all ain't never been a little bit dehydrated before.

[Mike]

Yeah, but never. I've never affected anybody else's day or night.

[Pat]

I've never ruined anybody's night.

[Carrie]

I clearly didn't ruin their night. They stayed and had a good time.

[Pat]

No, no, no. It definitely weighed on her mind. You definitely blew them for, like, five seconds. That killed them.

[Carrie]

Anyway. Chick Fil A.

[Pat]

What about him?

[Carrie]

Didn't you have a story?

[Pat]

Oh, nah. But you. You. You got to be careful at Chick Fil A, because I saw, like, you know, somebody. I hate to, like, judge him, but, yeah, like, rainbow hair. And I was like. It was during Pride Month, so I'm like, oh, he did it for Pride Month. And I was like, yo, happy Pride Month. And then they all start throwing rocks at my car.

[Carrie]

I was like, you can't judge a book by its cover.

[Pat]

I was like, oh, shit. I forgot y'.

[Mike]

All.

[Pat]

My bad.

[Mike]

I was saying. I made a tweet of saying that Dave Chappelle is the only one that can smoke cigarettes anywhere he goes. I feel like everywhere I see Dave Chappelle, he has a cigarette. Especially places where you wouldn't think you could smoke and shit.

[Pat]

See, I used to think that. And then we did a show in Detroit, and they were smoking weed in the crowd, and the people, they. They said it was okay.

[Mike]

Yeah, some venues allow that, and I.

[Pat]

I think more and more venues are allowing people to smoke in the venue.

[Mike]

I've seen this Dave Chappelle smoke on a plane, bro.

[Pat]

I've never seen. You've never seen that?

[Guest]

No.

[Mike]

They should probably be smoking, bro.

[Pat]

Bro, you never see him smoke on

[Mike]

a plane and he be chain smoking?

[Pat]

No, he be smoking.

[Mike]

He gets a comedy show he went to. Yeah, I thought he went through a Whole box, bro.

[Pat]

He literally stopped the story in the middle of it and go change his cigarettes. He got the perfect, like, he got the perfect mixture of crowd.

[Mike]

He makes smoking cigarettes look so cool.

[Pat]

He does. But he got the perfect mixture because if it middle aged white people will cheer you through the weirdest shit. And I tell you, that's the best crowd to have. When you got like a pause now, like, whoa, come on, tell him smoke that cigarette.

[Mike]

It was. I got that really. Because I saw him at the Usher concert. Obviously can smoke at concerts and some concerts. But it's just funny how funny of a person Dave is because even him just like smiling like that and laughing. His facial expression. He's like mastered facial expressions where it's like, he doesn't have to say shit. He makes a face and then, you know, people start laughing.

[Carrie]

It definitely felt like a skit for sure. Purposefully.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Carrie]

I feel like his cigarette smoke now is like part of the bit.

[Mike]

You think he doing it just. You don't think he really like.

[Carrie]

I think he really does, but I think he's also cognitive of like, oh, this is what I do during my shows. Like, people are familiar with me doing it that way.

[Mike]

He got a 247 head high. Do you do hookahs? Huh? Do you do hookahs?

[Carrie]

Oh, I have, yes. I like hookah sometimes, but it's really bad for you. So I tried to cut back, see

[Mike]

dehydration and hookah

[Pat]

ruining.

[Piper]

You know what it is for me

[Mike]

with hookah, you should be smoking hookah.

[Carrie]

I feel I don't listen. I do what I want to do, but I feel like with hookahs there's no real point. Like, yeah, you get a little buzz for a second, but then you get a headache.

[Mike]

I think it's aesthetic.

[Pat]

Yeah. I don't with hookahs. Especially no hookah lounge. Like, why the is we looking at each other with magic wands in our hands?

[Carrie]

Used to go crazy back in the day, y'.

[Pat]

All. Y' all heard that story of a 22 year old pilot safely landed a plane Saturday after her instructor jumped out of the aircraft and died mid flight over Argentina.

[Mike]

I did see that at first. The, the, the headline confused me because I kind of saw it very quickly and I was like, wait, that didn't make any sense. I was like, who landed the plane?

[Pat]

Oh, got it, got it, got it.

[Mike]

But yeah, that's kind of a. A strange master splinter type. Like, I'm gonna jump to my death. Young one. Now you can land the plane.

[Pat]

Like committed Suicide while having your student plane, who's never landed a plane before, land the plane by themselves. And they did it because they know how. And I think. I think he even left them her a message or him a message. Whoever it was was like, like, you. You know, I trained you enough for this. Or you got it.

[Mike]

He said his last words was, you know what to do, right?

[Guest]

You know what to do.

[Pat]

I would literally. Bro. I would literally go to his funeral and drive a plane through that. Like, crash a plane. This through death. No, that, though. That's some whole ass. It's just like, bro, you could have did. You could have did this yourself, bro.

[Mike]

Yeah, true.

[Pat]

You know what I'm saying? Like, you did not have to bring me up here, bro.

[Carrie]

Because then what if she really forgot how.

[Mike]

Exactly.

[Pat]

That's. And then you could have killed another person.

[Carrie]

Exactly.

[Pat]

You really ain't care about my life. As soon as he would have jumped out how to drove a plane down and cut that. You thought you was gonna hit the ground, huh?

[Mike]

Not dying after that has got to be, like, the craziest thing.

[Pat]

No, that'd be crazy. If he was, like, down on the ground after she landed, he's like, hell.

[Carrie]

Did y' all see the girl died in. Where were they at? They were in some foreign country.

[Mike]

Brazil.

[Carrie]

It might have been. I don't want to say it was, but it could have been. But they, like, threw her off the ledge.

[Mike]

That was Brazil.

[Pat]

She was like bungee jumping, but she didn't have it attacked.

[Carrie]

Yeah, it was like rope jumping.

[Mike]

We said. I think we talked about that.

[Pat]

Yeah. We would never know. We talked about over the phone. We would never. Like. I think me and Mike agree, like, all that, like, skydiving and doing that shit in another country, I'm good on. It's not nothing to do with the countries that's out there, because you can die any country. It's just a language barrier. I just want to make everything is good.

[Mike]

I'm not a thrill seeker like that. So even, like, skydiving here, I'm kind of good on.

[Carrie]

I'm not either. I don't even like, roller coaster.

[Mike]

I don't even like hot air balloons. I'm good. Like, I've just seen too many. It's just like, I get a good view.

[Pat]

Yeah. I don't get. I don't get a higher ball. It's just ways that I wouldn't want to die. That's what. That's what I think about. Like, if I'm going to die in, like, you Know, knock on wood. Like. Like a plane crash or some like that. It's just like, oh, it's like a so be it moment. Like I had to die. I had to make this flight is what it is. But to like put myself in that

[Mike]

position and then die, something that was very avoidable.

[Pat]

Yes. It's like, this is so stupid, bro.

[Carrie]

It's a different type of high that I feel like you could just take some drugs for.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah.

[Carrie]

You take like, come on now.

[Pat]

I don't know. I've been on top of buildings and that's for me.

[Mike]

I've been on top of the buildings too. Like what time we were in la.

[Pat]

Yeah, but I ain't jumping though, like that.

[Mike]

We walked right up to the edge.

[Carrie]

No, thank you.

[Pat]

Helicopter pad. Yeah. High school scare me. I'm not gonna lie.

[Mike]

I'm not a heist person either.

[Pat]

I don't like being over the edge. Like we have. I don't.

[Mike]

I don't like planes.

[Pat]

At the top of. At the top of our building, we got the glass thing that you can kind of see over into the city. And it's like I don't even get that close to that. You were standing over it, trying to take pictures of the fireworks because the glass kind of blocks the fireworks a little bit. And like even something like that is like, that's not worth it. You got a picture of some shitty ass fireworks and that glass could have broke, bro.

[Mike]

That was nothing. That was impossible to like fall forward.

[Pat]

It's just like we in a comedic space too. Is such a crazy way to die. Like are going to joke about that.

[Mike]

Well, you can't, you can't control any like, stuff like that though.

[Pat]

Yes you can.

[Mike]

It's just like like Lindsey Graham passed away. The senator.

[Carrie]

Oh yeah.

[Mike]

And obviously some of a lot of his policies are not great, but you see how Twitter is like, everybody's like mocking his death and I'm like, that's the thing. You got to really like, pick and choose how you want to live on this earth because people will clown you. And I feel like that's going to hurt the family more than. Than you. Because you can say, I don't care how people are going to perceive me, but it's like you still got. You still got family out there.

[Carrie]

They will clown you whether you good or bad.

[Mike]

That's true too. That's true.

[Pat]

Oh yeah.

[Mike]

Especially if people are not serious on the Internet.

[Pat]

Yes.

[Mike]

Y.

[Carrie]

Especially they could get paid from the post.

[Mike]

Yeah, that's true.

[Pat]

Like all you gotta do is do one bad thing and people forever like you can't be forgiven for that thing and you being judged by people that did a bad thing too. Let's take a quick break from today's podcast to thank the sponsor, SeatGeek. I've been trying to get MLB tickets lately so I can get to some of these Brewer games. Tailgate, get out here with The FAM and SeatGeek has been my go to. And just so you know, with over 35 million downloads, SeatGeek is a number one rated ticketing app.

[Mike]

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[Pat]

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[Mike]

That's 10% off with any tickets with promo code Dummies. Make sure you click the link in the description to download the app and have the code automatically added to your account so you can use it later. Thank you to Siki for sponsoring the podcast.

[Pat]

Let's also thank today's sponsor of the pod.

[Mike]

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[Pat]

I just think it's crazy how we have instant access to everything around us, but when it comes to our own money, we don't. 5 million people have already made the switch and at this point it's starting to look like the weird option.

[Mike]

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[Pat]

All right, somebody said, yo, I hope y' all good. Just asking if y' all can shout me out for my birthday. It's a day after you guys drop the next episode. If it's cool, can you mention my name? Davies or Dave. One of one for or farming purposes. Anywho, love the pot. Always have y' all on stay blessed or whatever the he said. And then he also sent another message like, yo, please, I got a date coming up. I'm trying to make this look good.

[Mike]

Oh, no.

[Pat]

So leave them. Yeah. Get a background check on that. I'm just saying, like, bro, if you need us to close the deal, bro, then something up, bro. That's that for us. My chart date ruined.

[Mike]

Was that actually ruined his date.

[Pat]

That's good, though. This shouldn't be the sealer for his date. This should be like, she should be laughing at this if she really with him.

[Carrie]

But what if she's a real big fan of y' all and it just makes him look bigger?

[Pat]

Hey, yo,

[Mike]

I just paused you. You have like, a pause shield that delays like it in my head.

[Carrie]

Yeah.

[Pat]

You want to know what's crazy? Okay. Since we're already like, this is a perfect, like, way to go down, you know? All right. It says, why is. Why is cuck porn a thing when you're already the cuck at any point you watch. And that made. That made me think that if you watch cuck porn, it's like. You ever seen the movie Inception?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Where they be in a dream inside a dream or you ever seen yourself inside of a screen inside of a screen inside of a screen? That's what it's like watching cuck porn because you cucking the cuckoo.

[Mike]

But wouldn't be. Isn't like, the. The definition of cuck being like, you're the one. You're the one watching your significant other get.

[Pat]

Yes. And then you're watching the cuck watching his.

[Mike]

But what would that be, though? Is there a word for that, though?

[Pat]

What?

[Mike]

Somebody that's watching the cuck Cuck square.

[Pat]

It gotta be cuck square. Now, that's crazy.

[Mike]

Once somebody's watching it with the intentions of being the person that the cuck invited.

[Pat]

Hold on. That might open a portal right there. Because what if it's a cuck, right? And he watching his wife get popped, and then they watching a tape of another cuck couple doing something, and then you watching it, and then you just see the portal open up in a straight of Muse, and. And then all the oil come leaking through. Okay, two things that's pissing me off, right? And people want to know my beef with Adele from the beginning of the pod. I just want to explain that real quick.

[Mike]

Okay?

[Pat]

Okay. So Adele is my favorite artist, right? And she hasn't dropped, so I'm deprived a little bit. It's like being a fan of Rihanna, and it just, like, she ain't dropping no music. So you start to like. You know what I'm saying? You get a little angry. You know, you still love them. That's still your favorite artist. But it's like, damn, you just left me out here. Now I'm listening to, like, all these other people when I really want you type shit. The other one is, she know where LeBron going, and I don't. I don't fuck with that.

[Mike]

You think she knows?

[Pat]

Yeah, I think she know.

[Mike]

Beyonce knows.

[Guest]

Huh?

[Mike]

You think Beyonce knows?

[Pat]

Why would Beyonce know?

[Carrie]

Cause she's friends with Adele.

[Pat]

Oh, shit.

[Mike]

Oh, you said Adele.

[Pat]

Oh, she friends with Adele.

[Mike]

I don't know why.

[Pat]

I think I'm just Jay Z, this nigga tripping.

[Mike]

I was already thinking about the next topic about talking. Talking about the Jay Z performance. For some reason, I zoned out, and I thought you said Beyonce this whole time. I was like, wait, why would Beyonce want to know?

[Pat]

Yeah, so she knows.

[Mike]

She definitely knows.

[Pat]

And then the other thing I'm at. So I'm at LeBron. LeBron got me listening to the corniest niggas ever because I'm like, I'm excited. I want to know where he going. So every time there's a video Talking about where LeBron is going, I click on it. And then halfway through, I realized, like, why am I listening to this corny ass? So I, like, had to mute LeBron on the. On my personal Twitter.

[Mike]

Where do you think he's going, though?

[Pat]

I don't know. And I don't think he even know right now.

[Carrie]

I heard that the deal is already finalized.

[Pat]

See, that's what I'm saying. You listen. It's some corny ass.

[Carrie]

No I'm so serious. And people are saying they really think he's gonna go to Miami. Go back to Miami.

[Pat]

I think in that sense, like I've always said, like, billionaire. Like, if you're a billionaire, why the fuck would you be cold? Like, why the fuck do I have to put on gloves, a hat, if I'm a billionaire for more than. For more than a couple days? Like, if I'm visiting a city, okay, so I gotta grab a coat and a jacket for a couple days. But to say I'm gonna do that for five or six months and I gotta live here. A. Billionaires don't live in Cleveland. I'm sorry, Cleveland?

[Mike]

Dave Chappelle lives in Ohio.

[Pat]

Huh. I'm saying after he lived in LA and like, after he lived in Miami.

[Mike]

But if it's like a one year thing, if it's like, this is my last year type, I think, I think, I think he can. He can stomach it for a season.

[Carrie]

Exactly.

[Mike]

And he's from.

[Carrie]

Depends on the reason why and the goal behind it.

[Pat]

No, he need his wife. So he got to go to a hot state. What he need his wife.

[Mike]

They all from. They all from Cleveland, though.

[Pat]

Savannah not going back to no motherfucking Cleveland. You be seeing with Savannah. Savannah got all this, all these jewelry, these bags and shit. Is she not going back to fucking Cleveland? Shout out to Cleveland, though.

[Mike]

What are you trying to say?

[Pat]

I'm just being real. We just heard LeBron complain. What did LeBron complain about the last time?

[Mike]

Memphis.

[Pat]

Memphis. It was really about the hotel, right? I'm not saying Cleveland hotels is bad. What I'm saying is LeBron know what Cleveland hotels look like. You know what I'm saying? I'm just saying what billionaire you know is going. There's a lot of.

[Mike]

There's probably obsession.

[Pat]

Unless it's his last year. If this is last year. If this is last year, then yes, I'll agree. But I don't. I believe this is his last two competitive years. And then he'll take his last year with Cleveland. That's what I think will happen. I think Cleveland will be on the back burner. He's going to try to win a championship.

[Carrie]

Well, regardless, if he go to Miami, I'm going to lose it. And I said that.

[Pat]

Why, why you don't want him go to Miami?

[Carrie]

Because him and Giannis together, I just. Okay, I might get some heat for this. No pun intended. But I love LeBron as a basketball player. I can respect his game and everything he got going on there. Can never Take that away. He's top player, right? However, sometimes LeBron's antics can just really grind my gears. It reminds. I ain't gonna say that. It could just grind my gears going to Miami with Giannis and with Bam and, you know, they trying to get this, like, Monstars team together for whatever reason to go to Miami, get this championship. I just feel like he always gets what he wants.

[Pat]

What's up?

[Carrie]

What's the antic like how when he be playing and he'd be flopping sometimes and be overly dramatic.

[Pat]

He's 40 years old.

[Carrie]

Dramatic with it.

[Pat]

He's 40 years old.

[Mike]

That hurt.

[Pat]

I just got filed at the whack yesterday. I left that. I literally left. Don't be in there. Then them little had to stop the game. I said, nah, we'll play like that.

[Carrie]

Even like when he had approached Stephen A. Right at the game that one time, it's like. Like just little antics.

[Pat]

That's the first time he saw him. How's that an anticipation? What Stephen A. Say? You just said what Stephen A said. The last time we talked about Stephen A. Stephen A literally said his most famous line. He said, if any player has any problem with what I say, I open up the door for him to come say something to me. That's what he said. And LeBron, they don't see each other like that. LeBron is a billionaire. When you're a billionaire, you don't run into niggas on accident. It just don't happen. The broker you are, the more you see people you don't want to see. You got to go to local Walmart to keep seeing the same. God damn, why? But if you got a billion dollars, you don't run into like, that. He saw Stephen A. Smith. Stephen A. Smith said something about it. I'm just saying. But he said something about his son.

[Carrie]

It don't matter. He's a basketball player. His son is a basketball player. He talked about his game.

[Pat]

No, he talked about him being a father, though.

[Carrie]

Mostly his game, though, is what.

[Mike]

Yeah, you might seem like it's stepping over and whatever.

[Pat]

If somebody mention. If somebody mentioned something about me being a father, I just think they saying that, like, oh, you. That's so personal. Like, that's the only thing that. That's probably the only thing that can get me to pull up on a. Somebody could call me A in my dms, but somebody talk about me being a father. Just like, okay, if I see you, what's up? It's just like, he can't get away with that he lucky Brian didn't knock his ass out.

[Carrie]

See, I am not.

[Pat]

I'm just being real, though. That's. That's a big ass weight difference. Shout out to Stephen A. But I'm just saying, he lucky he didn't get the squad. But Stephen A. Was in the suit. That suit was gonna be tore up like a.

[Carrie]

He wasn't gonna touch him. Him.

[Pat]

No, he wasn't though. But. But, but he knew that, though.

[Carrie]

Regardless, if he goes to Miami, I'mma lose it.

[Pat]

Nah, point blank, period. No, that sound like hate. I ain't gonna lie.

[Carrie]

It can. Listen, it can. I could be a hater. It don't even matter. I respect his game though, for sure.

[Pat]

Respect. Now about to go wallow on a pedal. LeBron Dick. So what?

[Guest]

Hello. Yo, what's up?

[Mike]

What up, bro?

[Pat]

Oh, man, somebody.

[Guest]

This is the podcast.

[Pat]

No.

[Mike]

Hey, welcome to Cash Dummies podcast, bro. What up?

[Guest]

What's up, man?

[Mike]

How's it going, man? I guess I'll ask you the question. Who do you got beef with?

[Guest]

Yeah, I guess so.

[Mike]

Who do you got beef with and why, man?

[Guest]

So the question. The answer. I answer that question was still my friend. We were cool probably about like a year. I met him through a friend. Long story short, he got us arrested for murder. Me and my two other friends, he got. And then.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Guest]

And then after that, he let us sit in jail knowing that he could have got us out if he just said he did it. The day before I got arrested for murder, my dad died in my arms. And he knew this and still let me sit in jail right after that.

[Piper]

That.

[Guest]

Not him forever.

[Mike]

But sorry about your. Your father, by the way.

[Guest]

It's all good, man. I appreciate it.

[Mike]

But why? How. How. The arrest part, the murder part. Who were you there when he got murdered or when he committed the murder?

[Guest]

Well, I've already been. Like, it's already been. I got sentenced for it already. I ended up, like. Because they didn't. The judge didn't have an actual shooter. So we all got probation for it. I was 17 at the time, but we got charged as an adult.

[Mike]

How many years did you spend any time in jail? Like, how many years? Months.

[Guest]

Like the time served from being in jail. It was like. Like two months all in total, until I got out of bail.

[Pat]

So if y'. All. So, okay, my question to you is if y' all all pleaded guilty to it, like, for the same charge.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Why the. Would you give him a podcast until everybody. He did it?

[Guest]

I didn't say who did it. Did I say a name?

[Pat]

No, you didn't say a name, but I got you. It's kind of a. Okay, go off. You got it, man.

[Guest]

It's already over with too. They can't go back and do something again?

[Mike]

The usual. So why was he picked up then? Like, why was it.

[Guest]

Because we were all. You guys were all arrested together.

[Mike]

Got it. But were you guys around the murder is what I'm saying? Like, the person actually dying?

[Guest]

Sure, yeah, I was there.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Guest]

I got arrested immediately after it happened.

[Mike]

Okay, Immediately.

[Pat]

Like, did you. On the scene?

[Guest]

Like, leaving the scene?

[Pat]

Wait, what's this? What's the. What was the question?

[Mike]

He has beef with the person that got him in jail.

[Pat]

Oh, okay. Okay. So it was like, have you seen him lately? Because obviously. Okay, so your beef is that he. Not that he killed somebody, is that he made you miss your dad's funeral?

[Guest]

I'm guessing not that. And I mean, I guess, sure, but mainly the fact that he had me fight the most serious case you can go to jail for,

[Pat]

because he wouldn't say.

[Guest]

He could have got everyone out of the situation.

[Mike]

So did he end up saying that he did it, or did you guys also.

[Guest]

No, no, Nobody ended up saying who anything. Who did anything.

[Mike]

Got it.

[Pat]

And then y' all all got two months.

[Guest]

No, we all didn't get two months. It was a. It was a prolonged process of bail, pretty much. We were fighting the case for three years. Everybody had got out on bail, though, and was on high level house arrest.

[Pat]

So what was the result?

[Guest]

We all got sentenced to up to five years of probation and no more than four to 10 years suspended sentence, pretty much. Meaning if we mess up probation, we got to go to prison for 4 to 10 years.

[Mike]

Sheesh.

[Pat]

For a murder?

[Guest]

Yeah. Well, no, the. It got dropped down to a lesser charge. It was. It was dropped down to voluntary manslaughter.

[Pat]

What? Like, how did the dude. How did the dude die?

[Guest]

A gunshot wound.

[Pat]

Got it.

[Mike]

Voluntary manslaughter.

[Pat]

I'm guessing they never found the quote, unquote, murder weapon.

[Guest]

No.

[Pat]

That's okay. There you go. So the dude being quiet about it probably kind of helped y' all situation that nobody said anything. Yeah, it would have helped. It would help. Yeah, it would have helped his. I mean, he was there. He's a kid. Have got accessory to murder, which kind of carried like, some of those sentences too. Nice.

[Guest]

Nah, but the thing is, though, it's all there.

[Pat]

It didn't.

[Guest]

It was just completely doing too much. It was just like just being.

[Mike]

But our work's crazy. But. But looking back at it though, if he had said that he did it, he would have spent. Spent probably life in prison. And now he only did.

[Guest]

Well, maybe shouldn't he sit there and like, own up to his actions?

[Mike]

No, I get it. I get it from your standpoint, but.

[Pat]

So what were you doing now?

[Guest]

We were just there.

[Pat]

You're just there and then whatever happened, happened, and then the police picked you up?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

For what reason?

[Guest]

We were hanging out, just trying to have a normal day, and then something occurred at the area we were hanging out at, which led to the crime happening.

[Mike]

But why did you snitch then?

[Guest]

The. I mean, snitched.

[Mike]

I'm saying why didn't you at the time, then? Why didn't you just. Oh, why didn't I? Yeah, yeah.

[Guest]

Because when I was being arrested, I'm in there. They first they arrest me. They had me in the back of the cop car at the, like, arrest scene where they caught me at for like three, four hours, just waiting until they finally take me back to the, like, the, the station to question me. And then after that they question me. They. They tell me I'm being charged for second degree murder. And they asked me if I want to tell my side of the story. I tell them no. They're like, do you have a lawyer? Do you have a family attorney? Do you want to call your parents? I was like, I want a lawyer. I don't want to talk. I don't have a parent I can call. My dad just passed away last night. I don't have my mom. And then he was like, oh, really? So he thought that was like a motive for me to, like, do something and like, blame it on myself. But then, I mean, at this point I'm like, there's no way I'm getting out of this. They know it's something that I had something to do with it.

[Mike]

I feel like it. So I guess the last thing. What's your message to the homie that got you in jail?

[Guest]

Him. That's why he's stuck in Mexico.

[Pat]

Oh, why he's stuck there, bro?

[Guest]

Because he wasn't born here.

[Pat]

Like you. I hope you living a positive life now. Sorry for like, the loss of your father. How old are you now?

[Guest]

22. That happened when I was 17.

[Pat]

Yeah, not that long ago, bro. You still, like.

[Guest]

I'm still on probation for it. I'm not even done with the situation.

[Pat]

So I, my, my advice would like not to call into any more podcasts talking about this until you off probation. You never Want to say something? You never know what the. The linking evidence could be. It could be something so simple, and the detail you gave us could be like the final straw of like, oh, damn. That's what we needed about to open the cold case.

[Mike]

But I guess he's still innocent.

[Guest]

I already know that they wouldn't be able to do that due to the fact that that would technically be double jeopardy. We've already been sentenced. Yeah, okay, so they can't reopen a case that has already been sentenced to.

[Pat]

I'm saying. But I was saying with the suspended sentence stuff, so this. This would be like.

[Guest]

That would just be a case on. That's just my like, stipulation for probation.

[Mike]

All right, bro.

[Guest]

No, I get it, I get it. I get the concern, but.

[Mike]

No, I get it. We get it.

[Piper]

All right.

[Pat]

Just make sure them listening to us in prison, bro.

[Mike]

All right, bro. You have a good one.

[Pat]

Did you know Sam's Club isn't a store? It's actually a club with cool finds and like a whole community. It's a club.

[Piper]

Of course, Jason.

[Pat]

It's in the name.

[Piper]

Sam's Club.

[Guest]

Oh, yeah. Come join us. Sam's Club. Hello, man.

[Pat]

Yo, what it do?

[Guest]

How's it going, fellas?

[Pat]

Welcome to Crash podcast, bro.

[Guest]

I appreciate you having me on, man.

[Mike]

All right, man. I guess I got a prompt for you. Finish the sentence. Am I the if?

[Guest]

Am I the if? Hold on, Let me go back to catfishing my future wife.

[Mike]

Okay. How are you doing?

[Guest]

Let me tell you guys a story. Okay, well, let me preface. I am. I'm a single man right now, but I'm not the. I'm not the best looking fella. I'm gonna be honest with you guys, okay? But I posted on Instagram recently and I have posted in the past, and sometimes we have double dates, me and my friends. Two men's, if you will. So we in person, we link up, of course, and typically the woman gets a call and it goes, oh, my dad's calling me. We gotta go. So I'm like, okay. And then this happens. This has happened twice actually now. So we get back home, I'm just

[Mike]

gonna let you know right now they're gonna. The listeners are gonna times to the out you right now, brother.

[Pat]

I know you taking too long. I'm about to hang up on you, bro. Come on, let's go.

[Guest]

Relax.

[Mike]

Go ahead.

[Guest]

Okay, so my friend will get a text from the girl, and the girl will say, yeah, let's run that back, but with a different friend. Your homie was Chopped.

[Pat]

Got it. You the chopped homie. Cool.

[Guest]

I'm. I'm the chopped homie.

[Pat]

Yeah, I got it. Move on to like the statement you made. Like connect it, please.

[Guest]

Yeah, you're rushing me, man.

[Pat]

Yes, it's the point. Nobody want to listen to this, man. It times too.

[Mike]

Me too. Y' all

[Pat]

go ahead.

[Guest]

Okay, so, yeah, I feel as if that I. If I'm able to get a girlfriend in the future, I would have to catfish because I feel like I am so chopped so that I can't get a girlfriend without catfishing a girl.

[Pat]

Okay, let me see what dude look like. You know, not. Not that I'm the judge and those

[Guest]

I'm be catfishing you too.

[Pat]

Oh

[Guest]

yeah. Just to keep it real with you, that does not look like me in real life.

[Pat]

What? Okay, got it. I mean that ain't for us to judge, but it's just like, bro, I've seen people who like other people deem as ugly and like they have, have like what they would call a beautiful girlfriend. You know what I'm saying? So I think it's more about timing, personality, aura, career, confidence, not calling yourself chopped.

[Mike]

You know, the confidence part is a big thing.

[Pat]

You know, I mean it's a lot of things that go into it besides looking chop. But like if you saying you, you losing. If you, if you actually ugly and you don't have confidence, it's like you can't do else then the main two, you gotta, you gotta pick one, pick a struggle.

[Guest]

What else can I do at this point? Because there's been so many. There's been so many opportunities. Just call me chopped. Failed two man missions I don't know what to do with.

[Pat]

Confidence can be built, bro. Yeah, confidence can be built. How you smell, how you dress. Like there's a lot of different things and just like, and just even the

[Mike]

dressing part, it doesn't have to be like super expensive items. There's people that have taste that go to thrift stores and like that too.

[Piper]

So.

[Pat]

Yeah, and always remember, bro, you. You not chopped if like 10 girls in a row call you chopped, you not chop if the 11th girl like it you. You know what I'm saying? Especially if you. Unless you want to have all the girls like you. But if you trying to look for one woman, that's the only woman that gotta like you. And then you're forever not chopped because you only, you know, it's only for your girl.

[Guest]

I'm like over. I'm like over 10 right now, man.

[Pat]

But that's good. You gotta keep shooting one more, bro. Especially if after that 11th. But just be real. Like, bro, you, you. You know, you're ugly ass. So like 10 is not a good test size for you. Like, you need to be in the thousands. You need to be putting up shots, bro. A bigger pond shots. And you need to improve, like, everything. Because I'm, like, looking. I'm not, not even trying to judge. It's like, like, you don't. You don't. You don't do nothing for your aesthetic. You know what I'm saying?

[Guest]

I'm 20 years old.

[Mike]

You gotta get young too, bro.

[Pat]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You never know. You just grow a beard.

[Mike]

That's true.

[Pat]

And get a hat.

[Guest]

But listen, the thing is though, I've been going out of my way to make look good. Like, I've been trying to get my fits right. My, my. I've been shaving. I've been.

[Pat]

Bro, it's not that. It's not that. It's not that. It's a confidence.

[Mike]

What are your hobbies, though?

[Guest]

I'm an outdoorsy type of guy. I work with animals, wildlife. It is hard to find a woman

[Pat]

look like one too. My fault, my fault.

[Mike]

No, but, no, I feel like that's something. I'm just looking at your page and it seems like you do very niche type of things. And I feel like there's women in those niche type of things as well. And honestly, I think the thing is just like, keep better and try to better yourself. If you go kind of go looking for that every time, you're gonna get shot down a lot. You kind of have to let it come to you or be in situations where it naturally happens or shoot more or.

[Pat]

And actually, like, pay attention to who you should be shooting with. Like, actually make a connection first, like friendship wise. Then shoot like, yeah, you're going on blind dates. And man, stop going on too many times. I'm at the point of my life where I'm woman. You don't get one of them girls.

[Guest]

I'm shooting shots at anybody, bro. Like, I'm. Yeah, that is true. I'm shooting shots with everybody, man.

[Pat]

No. Matter of fact, all the advice we gave you, find a blind woman. I think that's better for you.

[Mike]

But, but no, obviously we're joking.

[Pat]

Just confidence, bro. It's the first thing. Don't call. Don't call three dudes saying that you're chopped. You know what I'm saying? Okay, so you. Let.

[Mike]

Let us. Let us say you chop.

[Pat]

Yeah, let us say you chop. I literally Wouldn't never look.

[Guest]

Am I chopped?

[Pat]

I mean, yeah, but it's just like. But like, what does our opinion matter, though?

[Mike]

That's. That's the other thing too there.

[Pat]

Like, what, like we don't matter?

[Mike]

I'm probably chopped to a lot of people as well.

[Pat]

Yeah, same, bro.

[Mike]

Like, I'm a lot of people. I'm not a lot of people's type.

[Guest]

Yeah, I can see that.

[Pat]

Hold on. No disrespect though, Mike, but it's just like. Bro, bro. It's girl. It's girls out here that would choose you over anybody that's sitting in this room just because of maybe something you do, you know? I mean, like, we aren't outdoorsy, and maybe a girl be like, I need an outdoorsy man, and then she pick you, and then it's up. She got a ugly ass boyfriend. But Lisi. Outdoorsy.

[Guest]

I appreciate it, man.

[Mike]

No, just barring all the jokes, obviously we're joking with you. But, like, take our advice seriously. Like, the other part, hopefully you know which one we're joking about and which one we're, like, being serious about.

[Pat]

Confidence, Confidence. Confidence, my brother.

[Guest]

All right, I got y', all, man. I appreciate it.

[Pat]

Yeah, yeah. You shouldn't let nobody bring you down. What's up?

[Mike]

Shoot your shot right now, bro.

[Pat]

Who?

[Mike]

Oh, any of the that might be interested.

[Pat]

Oh, okay, good clarification. Okay, great clarification. I was like, wait, what?

[Guest]

Okay, I'm. I'm five' six. Just to keep it real with you guys.

[Pat]

No, you good, bro. Confidence Short kings. Yeah, yeah.

[Guest]

Okay, okay. I'm five' six, Mexican mixed with black. If anyone wants to DM me.

[Pat]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Guest]

Slow.

[Pat]

That's slow. The down gave two facts about himself.

[Guest]

He trying to

[Pat]

slow down. Keep going. You got two facts about you, five, six, You Mexican and black. Like, damn, can we get a job, occupation or some like, God damn. Pull down his pants. Said, I'm five six. Hey, What? He said five six.

[Mike]

Now suck this dick.

[Pat]

God damn. Okay, pull it back a little bit, bro.

[Guest]

I'm not good at this, man.

[Pat]

We gotta bully you a little bit so, you know, like, don't do that again. So five, six.

[Guest]

I appreciate it.

[Pat]

Mexican and black.

[Guest]

Go ahead. Yeah, Yeah. I don't know. Like, that's pretty much it. When it comes to me.

[Pat]

I like outdoors. There you go. What you like about the outdoors? Like, what you do? What can you do out there?

[Mike]

There.

[Guest]

Okay. Of course, like, I like hiking. I like to stay fit to the gym from time to time.

[Mike]

Next Question. What do you look for in a woman?

[Guest]

I'm at the point of my life where I'm like, I can take anything today.

[Mike]

No, no, come on, Come on, bro.

[Guest]

It's treacherous times, I'm not going to lie.

[Pat]

Wait, so what are you saying? What do you mean by anything though? Just a bit little like we gotta get clarification. We got a lot of people, a lot of different type of people that listen to this pod and they want to know exactly what you mean by that.

[Mike]

True.

[Guest]

Okay, well, I'm saying all type of people because recently I just been missing so damn much. I'm like, you know what? I. I'll take what I can get at this point.

[Pat]

Okay, he doubled down on that.

[Mike]

I'm ask you one more time.

[Pat]

This is our last time.

[Guest]

Ask you.

[Pat]

So we, we, we have a lot of like, I know you've heard like past episodes, man.

[Mike]

We have men and women that we listen to this podcast. So we're trying to like get to like niche. Niche. You down?

[Guest]

Okay. Oh, I'm. I'm a straight man.

[Pat]

Okay, that's what you want? Just making sure, bro.

[Mike]

Cuz we assumed at the beginning I said a woman, so.

[Pat]

Cuz we got some that listen to this part that'll take you down. So it's like you say what it is they call it all the time. You got somebody for us? We like, hey, but okay, so straight man.

[Guest]

But like I'm straight man. Okay. Ideally, like, ideally has my same interest. Like going out. They like, they gotta love animals. They gotta have a couple dogs, okay, maybe a couple cats, but that's pretty much it. Like outdoors animals, like, okay, so I

[Pat]

want to put this out here. Like the people that are like good at meeting people and like have vibrant lives. The dating app isn't meant for those people because those people get on the apps and they get like 20 likes and they going on 20 dates and they fuck the game up. Dating apps are meant for niggas like this, you know what I mean? That need help putting their out there. That way people can read before they go to his picture. You know what I'm saying? They can be like, oh yeah, Then the picture don't hit as hard and be like, damn. Okay, I could work with that. Yeah, all right, bro.

[Mike]

All right, man. That we could help, man.

[Guest]

All right, Can I, can I, can I give a shout out to my brother?

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah, go ahead. Hey bro, you know what you can do too? If you ever like on a date and you want to use. I'm not saying we're, like, the biggest flex on Earth. Earth. But you want to say, like, we your boys. You can just DM us, bro. DM the crafts.

[Guest]

And you guys would like.

[Mike]

And I would DM you back. Yes.

[Guest]

Okay, that's perfect.

[Mike]

Come on, now.

[Guest]

Okay. I didn't know you guys had clout like that.

[Pat]

Wait, I don't.

[Mike]

I don't know how much clout we got.

[Pat]

Wait, what just happened? He said you gonna vouch for him on the date.

[Mike]

I said. I said on the date. He can, like, text us.

[Pat]

New Text Mike.

[Mike]

Yeah, you can text me, bro.

[Pat]

You text me. I'm gonna run.

[Guest]

All right. Hey, shout out to Isaiah. That's my brother. I've been listening to you guys for a while, okay? Me and him are, like, your probably not number one fans. I'm not gonna lie. But, yeah, I appreciate it, but, like, this your brother?

[Pat]

Like, like, friend?

[Guest]

No, it's my brother. Like, my. My blood brother. Oh, yeah.

[Pat]

Is he ugly, too?

[Guest]

Yeah, it's in the genetics, bro.

[Pat]

Yes, sir.

[Guest]

Genetic.

[Pat]

So, popsuit.

[Mike]

Who you blaming for it?

[Guest]

Pops too. My.

[Piper]

I'm not.

[Guest]

Like, who do I blame, My mom or my dad? Yeah, but that's crazy. I can't just call my. One of my parents. Chopped.

[Pat]

I mean, it got to come from

[Mike]

somewhere if you calling yourself chopped or

[Pat]

just, like, a bad combination, you know? I mean, like, they both look good. You know what I'm saying?

[Mike]

Some ingredients don't mix.

[Pat]

Some positives make a negative.

[Mike]

All right, bro, you have a good one.

[Guest]

Whipped cream, good.

[Pat]

Lasagna, good. When you put them together, it's ugly as it's. Our kids. Make a lasagna. Whipped cream.

[Piper]

Hello?

[Pat]

Yo.

[Piper]

Wait, can y' all hear me? Hold on.

[Pat]

Yeah, yeah. Don't do nothing.

[Mike]

What up? What up?

[Piper]

Nothing.

[Pat]

Damn, you good. That was all her energy.

[Piper]

I don't know. I don't know.

[Pat]

Did you see. Did you see that Dallas date got locked in?

[Piper]

Yeah, I saw that, and I looked on the website. I didn't see, like.

[Mike]

No, it's not there yet.

[Piper]

Where the purchase.

[Pat]

No, but it's locked in.

[Piper]

Yeah, I know, but I'm gonna be pregnant, like, six months pregnant, so I need special tickets.

[Pat]

So you pregnant right now?

[Piper]

I'm pregnant right now. Yeah.

[Pat]

Summer over with. Back it up. No mojitas for you. All right, I got a question for you. What's something you did for love that you'll never do again?

[Piper]

Share a

[Pat]

damn.

[Mike]

What do you mean?

[Guest]

Like.

[Mike]

What do you mean by share?

[Pat]

Like. Like fantasy football. Y' all both better.

[Piper]

Like, why he was with other women. Why? He was with me.

[Mike]

With your knowledge, though, like, you. That was something you agree with?

[Piper]

Yeah, with my knowledge. Yeah. He was transparent about it, but he was lying. He was telling me that there were other women, but he wasn't telling me that he was them too.

[Pat]

He was saying, like, there's other women and I'm not him.

[Piper]

Correct.

[Pat]

Okay, let me be transparent with you.

[Piper]

Yeah, I know. I was dumb, y'.

[Mike]

All.

[Piper]

I was so stupid. No, let me tell you. It was his. He called her his best friend. He was like, yeah, I'm gonna go over there, we're gonna cuddle, but we don't have sex. And I was like, okay.

[Pat]

God damn.

[Mike]

He got like, how do you introduce this to you?

[Piper]

Oh, my God, it's been so long. Like, I really don't remember. He was. He was just like, I have a best friend. What'd you say? Yeah, he was just like, I have a best friend. You know, like, we've been friends for seven years, and we used to have sex. We don't have sex no more. We just hang out now. That done everybody. He done everybody.

[Pat]

Not bad. Not. I mean, what the.

[Mike]

Him. How old was he? How old are you when this happened?

[Piper]

This happened at 29.

[Mike]

At 29 years old.

[Pat]

She 30 now. It's good.

[Mike]

This happened last year.

[Pat]

Don't worry. She 30 now.

[Piper]

Yes. Literally happened last year, y'.

[Carrie]

All.

[Piper]

And, like, the crazy thing is, like, I was with a woman for seven years, right? So I never had, like, a real boyfriend. So he was, like, the first man.

[Guest]

Oh.

[Piper]

And he's my baby daddy, by the way.

[Pat]

Good God Almighty. Oh, my God.

[Piper]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Oh, my God.

[Piper]

I'm gonna. I'm gonna try to, like, bring him to the show when y' all come.

[Pat]

Oh, my God.

[Piper]

Pregnant girl and a six. Four black nigga. That's me and him, I'm telling you.

[Pat]

You know.

[Mike]

Wait, y' all good now?

[Piper]

I mean, like, we're okay, but we're not together.

[Pat]

What is this decision making going on here?

[Piper]

I know, y'.

[Guest]

All.

[Piper]

I'm so, so stupid. I'm so stupid. And, like, you made.

[Mike]

I'm not gonna lie. You made this one thing seem like. That's why I have to ask how old you were, because he made it seem like it was like a. When you're, like, early 20s, like, 18.

[Piper]

No, I was sharing my. Still sharing them now?

[Pat]

Yeah. You're still. Like you said was. That's how you call it. It's like, oh, I used to share my niggas, like, no, Ma'. Am.

[Piper]

Nope. Still sharing them. He's still. He's still out here in these streets.

[Pat]

What are the new boundaries?

[Piper]

I don't fuck him.

[Carrie]

Him.

[Pat]

Oh, okay. Yeah.

[Piper]

He gets no more from me.

[Mike]

Who?

[Pat]

You know what they said on the last part, too, so he must be missing out.

[Piper]

What they say?

[Mike]

The clip.

[Pat]

It's a clip they just put out.

[Mike]

Oh.

[Guest]

Oh.

[Pat]

Go check it out. It was, like, two days ago.

[Piper]

But he mad, though. He real mad, though.

[Guest]

He like, you don't want to give me no.

[Piper]

Like, we had an appointment today. He was like, you don't want to come over? No, I don't.

[Pat]

He saw that shit through the sonogram and said, I need that.

[Piper]

No, no. He saw my titties. He saw my titties because my areolas are real big, and so he was sucking them in the doctor's office.

[Mike]

That's a hardy ass

[Piper]

titties, y'.

[Guest]

All.

[Pat]

You let him.

[Piper]

Hell yeah, I let him suck my titties.

[Pat]

What the fuck is this decision making going on? Like, you just. You play so much. You think life a game, don't you? No, this is.

[Mike]

Congrats on your. Your pregnancy, though. I mean, bringing life into this world. Hopefully.

[Pat]

He's not.

[Mike]

Yeah. Does he. Is he, like. He. Is he, like, present?

[Pat]

Why you saying he?

[Mike]

What?

[Pat]

Oh, I thought he's talking about the baby.

[Mike]

Oh, no, we know the gender.

[Piper]

No, no, he is present. Yeah. No, I don't know the gender. I'll find out next week.

[Mike]

Oh, fire.

[Pat]

Okay, you want to. We can announce it on here. We can do y' all gender reveal for real.

[Piper]

Okay, I'm going send y' all the results.

[Pat]

Okay, bet. And then we just do, like, would you rather. And then whoever answers it, like, Mike gonna wear pink and I'm gonna wear blue.

[Piper]

Oh, my God, that's so cute.

[Pat]

I love that. And Jean gonna wear yellow.

[Guest]

Cool.

[Piper]

Non binary.

[Pat]

Yes.

[Mike]

Okay, but you say he's in. Like, he's in your. The kids, like, well, the kid's life currently appointment. Okay.

[Piper]

Every appointment.

[Carrie]

Yeah, he.

[Piper]

He's there.

[Carrie]

Yeah, he's there.

[Pat]

He had every appointment trying to suck on them titties.

[Mike]

Yeah, that's the one. That's the tittle appointments show up next.

[Pat]

He like, man got time to go to no damn appointment. Then he go to your ig. But them titties.

[Piper]

No. Guys, you know what's so funny? Anytime he's mad at me, and I want him to not be mad at me, I just sent him a picture of my titties, and he, like, Damn,

[Mike]

that both childish.

[Pat]

He be talking about. Doc, doc, Doc. Hey, before you leave, can you check your titties?

[Mike]

This is your first. This is your first, like, hetero, was it? Is it heterosexual relationship? Yeah, heterosexual.

[Piper]

Well, so, like, like a real relationship? Like, yeah, I've dated men in the past, but, like, this is my real. My first real boyfriend that, like, I actually like, you know.

[Mike]

First real boyfriend. And then you got pregnant.

[Pat]

Yeah. I'm gonna tell you. I'm gonna tell you. Yeah, you ain't had a real boyfriend yet.

[Piper]

Probably not.

[Pat]

Honestly. You still ain't had it yet, though, but you might as well. I mean, I'm glad y' all cool enough for this, like. Cause it sound like y' all about to co parent right away. So I'm glad y' all cool school enough, because that's what the kid need at this point.

[Mike]

Or maybe. Or maybe figure it out.

[Pat]

It's about the baby.

[Piper]

No, no, I'm trying to figure it out, but he crazy, y'. All. Like, I'm trying to tell you, like,

[Mike]

how old is he?

[Piper]

The. The man. He's 30 as well.

[Pat]

Okay.

[Piper]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Shout out to him, man. Sound like he got his in order.

[Piper]

I mean, he does. Yeah. He's in the Air Force. Like, he has a nice car, nice place. Like, he's very responsible.

[Pat]

No, to me, it sound like. Like, no. Like, no offense to either y'.

[Guest]

All.

[Pat]

It, like, sounds like he okay with this. Like, he. He love you and he want to keep you around. Obviously, if he keep bothering you and like, he love you and he got enough respect for you to still, like, you know, talk to you and stuff like that. But he just also love his freedom, too.

[Piper]

You are like, you're dead. You're dead on, like, spot on. Like, literally. That's what it is.

[Pat]

His life good. Yours not it.

[Piper]

Oh, damn, that's up.

[Pat]

That's what I'm saying. You got to fight back a little bit.

[Piper]

I'm outside of therapy right now, so. You're right about that.

[Pat]

There we go.

[Guest]

Pregame right here.

[Mike]

Not free.

[Piper]

No, I With y', all, though. Like, y'. All. No, honestly, I listen to y' all in the shower on Wednesdays every morning. Like, y' all get me through my days, like, if I need to laugh or, like, get, like, my mood picked up.

[Pat]

I listen to y' all keep us involved, you know, with the kid and stuff.

[Piper]

Like, okay, y' all can be the. The. The. The step uncles step is a little

[Pat]

step is a uncles step. Uncles trying to, like, you trying to keep us away. From the kid. And I'll be cousin.

[Piper]

All right. Okay. Cousin and uncles.

[Pat]

Yeah, for sure, for sure. Let us know. Shout out to her. Even though we wish.

[Mike]

Let us know when your registry dropped.

[Pat]

Though we already know it's a girl. A girl gonna settle him down, too. So we hoping. Praying for a girl. So get him out the streets.

[Guest]

I hope so.

[Piper]

But then, you know, girls get their daddy karma, so.

[Pat]

Oh, damn. Yeah, yeah, we don't want that either. See what I'm saying? Just. Yeah, we're just praying for a healthy baby. That's all we need.

[Piper]

Healthy baby. Healthy baby.

[Mike]

Amen.

[Pat]

Amen. Send the gender.

[Piper]

Amen. Okay. And Mike, I know Pat already got a baby. I'm sprinkling you some baby dust for

[Pat]

you and your wife, so thank you.

[Mike]

Thank you.

[Piper]

You're welcome.

[Mike]

Yeah. Have a good one.

[Piper]

All right, y', all, I gotta go.

[Mike]

All right.

[Piper]

All right. Bye.

[Guest]

Bye.

[Piper]

Hello. Hello.

[Mike]

Yo.

[Pat]

Hello.

[Piper]

Yo.

[Pat]

Oh. First of all, happy International Woman Century. Nobody said that to a woman yet today except me.

[Mike]

Didn't even say. They didn't even say what they were.

[Pat]

Well, say it again.

[Piper]

Thank you.

[Mike]

They didn't even say what they were. 20, 26, bro. Wow.

[Pat]

Mike. You heard Mike?

[Piper]

Yes, I did. We don't know what you appreciate that.

[Pat]

That's. That's fine.

[Mike]

Thank you. She says she appreciate that.

[Pat]

You really. You appreciate that or that? Sarcasm?

[Piper]

No, I highly appreciate it. I. I do use they. Them pronouns.

[Mike]

Come on, now. Come on.

[Pat]

Wait. Did you cheat?

[Mike]

I swear to God I did it.

[Pat]

You looked at her.

[Mike]

I can hear that. You can hear the. Is it bad to say they can hear a day? That's them.

[Pat]

No, that's terrible.

[Mike]

Oh, my God. That's crazy.

[Pat]

I swear to God.

[Guest]

You can't say that.

[Pat]

Edit that out. Har just started from here. The whole. No, no, no.

[Mike]

Hell no.

[Pat]

That's terrible to say you can hear.

[Mike]

Are they them? Come on, bro. They get it too far.

[Pat]

That's not. He not tripping. It was. It's an assumption for sure. That tripping.

[Mike]

But my assumption was right.

[Pat]

Yeah, but you can't say. That's a general. As a general.

[Mike]

No, it's not a general statement. But it's a joke, though, though. That's the difference.

[Pat]

Not a good deal.

[Mike]

Go ahead.

[Guest]

Go ahead.

[Mike]

Ask the question.

[Pat]

Okay, let me see if I can hear it. What's something. You are weird, bro.

[Mike]

Go ahead, bro.

[Pat]

The world stop when I say this. That.

[Mike]

Say this the.

[Carrie]

God.

[Pat]

All right. What's something you did for love that you'll never do again?

[Piper]

Try to Stick with the military, man.

[Mike]

What happened?

[Piper]

I was young and dumb. High school sweetheart type beat, basically. We kind of had disconnected for a little bit, and he came back, and he was like, hey, in three months, I'm enlisting into the Navy. I want to be with you. And I was like, well, I've always wanted to be with you. I might as well, you know, take the bait. The day that it came, where he got shipped out, he literally ghosted me.

[Pat]

Damn.

[Piper]

Yeah, and then his snap score kept going up after he was not responding to my texts or calls.

[Mike]

Snap score. That's just, like, the amount of snaps they're sending. There's like, a score thing.

[Piper]

Yeah, just un the.

[Pat]

Out of that.

[Mike]

I've used Snapchat, but I didn't know if this. That's what the. I've seen the little snap score thing.

[Pat]

That's how they be spying on people.

[Mike]

Got it. Got it. She's seeing three new best friends.

[Piper]

Exactly. Exact.

[Mike]

Back in the day, I used to get in trouble.

[Pat]

That. That still give me

[Mike]

sh. That sh.

[Pat]

Me jeans, boy, you start.

[Mike]

I have to start. You start setting p.

[Pat]

Hey, what's your story? What's your story?

[Mike]

Your random meals are your Chipotle meal col. Why this? Sending a photo in his to.

[Carrie]

Why that?

[Pat]

Send me 50 snaps in a day. Why snow that? Text me. Check your snap.

[Mike]

No, sorry. Go ahead, Go ahead.

[Piper]

You're so fine. But I literally was like that. I. I'm. I blocked him on everything, and I. That was it. That was done deal for me. But I ended up forgetting to block him on one specific account. Yada, yada, he reached out. He was like, hey, I don't know why I'm blocked, but I'm out of basic training now, and I don't know what happened. And I was like, bitch, do you know what the fuck happened? And he was like, wait, true. I did do that. And I literally. I almost flew to wherever he was and smacked the shit out of him. But I digress.

[Mike]

What's your message to him right now?

[Piper]

You. I don't really care anymore.

[Pat]

Good for you. Good for you.

[Piper]

I'm like, type over it, but it took a lot.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Pat]

All right, man. We. We praying for you, y'.

[Piper]

All. I'm trying to get. See y' all in Tampa, so we gonna pull up.

[Pat]

Yo, what's good? Welcome to Crash on Me's podcast. Happy to be here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, let's. Let's address something before you answer a question, because you sent, like, some AI videos of, like, me, Gene, Mike, and

[Mike]

It's like you have me with ecstasy pills in my, in my mouth, and

[Pat]

then you got me snorting a line of coke, and then you got Gene hugged up with some big black dude, which is like. Like, which is the craziest one. Like, I don't even get the context of that.

[Guest]

Well, for one, Mike Ecstasy powder pet. Like I said, Gina himself, girl. Error, for one. The. The original picture already.

[Pat]

He was already kind of saucy.

[Guest]

That picture.

[Pat]

Got it. But you may might stick his tongue out. He have his tongue out, did. No, that's what I said. It's misinformation already.

[Guest]

That's Mike Ecstasy, bro. I, I, he may or may not have his tongue out. That's. That's on him.

[Pat]

But you made an image with another man's tongue out. You made another man pull his tongue out.

[Mike]

You literally typed that in the command.

[Guest]

You're trying to denounce. You trying to denounce the picture. He.

[Pat]

He may or may not have spell, spell denounce.

[Guest]

D, N, O, U.

[Mike]

The phone, bro.

[Pat]

He know who he dealing. Stupid asshole, bro. Yo, welcome to Crash on these podcast. What's good?

[Guest]

I'm great.

[Piper]

What's up with y'? All?

[Pat]

We got a question for you.

[Piper]

All right.

[Pat]

We ain't in all that small talk, all right?

[Guest]

What?

[Pat]

What's the secret? You've been holding on for too long.

[Piper]

All right, so I found out recently from, of all people, my little brother, that when we were younger, my mom used to be a dancer. You know, nothing too crazy.

[Pat]

What kind of dance.

[Piper]

But I found out that don't even play. You already know what I'm talking about. The one with dollar bills.

[Mike]

Because a stripper.

[Guest]

Yeah, okay, A stripper.

[Pat]

Okay, okay.

[Piper]

Whatever you want to call it.

[Pat]

Did you know that you know the lyrics that go along with that, right?

[Piper]

No. Inform me.

[Pat]

It ain't a strip club if they ain't showing. But

[Piper]

I don't know what my mama was doing. That ain't my business.

[Mike]

Go ahead.

[Piper]

Well, I found. Well, I actually found out that the stage name she went by was actually my name.

[Pat]

Oh, damn.

[Piper]

Yeah, my little brother just turned 18 telling me that.

[Mike]

Wait, can I ask you your name?

[Piper]

You know, why not? It's Piper. It's a really nice name. Can't complain. I'll give it out.

[Pat]

A little double entendre, too.

[Mike]

Like, honestly, without hearing the context of it, it's like, Piper. Like, it's like it's a pretty normal name name, but Piper, it is a pretty normal name.

[Pat]

But when you say, like, Piper, who You going to see tonight, man? I'm going to see Piper downtown.

[Mike]

Did they say why that was her nickname?

[Piper]

Always paid, so. Say that again.

[Mike]

Did they say why that was her nickname?

[Piper]

No, he didn't. He said that my aunt walked in one night to go see my mom and heard them say, coming to the stage is Piper. And there goes my mama.

[Pat]

Damn. So was she like. Was she like a long time stripper or this something? She just tried like one or two years in her life.

[Piper]

I'd say pretty. Maybe at least seven, seven, eight years.

[Pat]

Oh. Oh, she a vet?

[Piper]

Yeah, vet. Not a rookie.

[Pat]

She getting. She getting a pension and everything.

[Mike]

Did you. Did you bring this up to her?

[Piper]

No, I have it, okay? Because I found out while I was on vacation visiting her. Her.

[Pat]

Okay, my next question is. So are your mom and dad together?

[Piper]

All right, are you ready for this? My dad is dead, so, no, they're not together.

[Pat]

What? What the was that? What. What was that about?

[Piper]

Listen, listen, listen. The lore. Go long, okay? My dad was murdered when I was one.

[Pat]

Okay?

[Mike]

Okay.

[Pat]

It was just more of a question to see, like, how your parents met, but obviously, obviously, if you were one, right, then it had to be in a strip club.

[Piper]

Huh? You funny. Well, my mom had me when she was 18. They actually met in a restaurant. So what led. I don't think she started stripping until my brother was born.

[Mike]

So.

[Pat]

Got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it. Rpo. Dad. So what do you do for a living?

[Piper]

I work at a coffee shop.

[Pat]

A coffee shop. Okay. Like, have you ever thought about stripping? Been okay.

[Piper]

Have I. No. No. Never thought about it? No. No interest in it?

[Pat]

What kind of question was that?

[Mike]

You just found out, right?

[Piper]

You want to follow in your mother's footsteps?

[Pat]

No, but I'm just saying, like, if you ever, like, what if she had, like, you know, I'm saying she was in dancing class, she's like, man, I really love to dance. And the whole time her mom was a stripper and she didn't let you know.

[Piper]

You know, and she let me know.

[Pat]

Going through your blood.

[Piper]

Honestly. Ironic. I was in dance classes when I was younger, so, you know, maybe that was a path I could have taken.

[Pat]

No, I don't think that's how it works.

[Mike]

But, like, now that you know that, like, do you feel different about your name? I don't think you should.

[Piper]

No, I don't. No. Because I had the name first, so I don't know. No, it's just awkward because now I think about all these Men that she met in the club.

[Pat]

Oh, right. I finally get that. Makes sense now. That's weird, right?

[Piper]

They calling her Piper, and I'm like.

[Pat]

I thought she was like, oh, my stripper name is Piper. Then I had a kid. I'mma just name my kid Piper. No, no, no. She already had you and your name was Piper.

[Piper]

Right?

[Pat]

And then she took your name to the stage.

[Mike]

That's.

[Pat]

She was better off. That's worse. That's worse than taking a credit card out.

[Mike]

I didn't get it, though.

[Pat]

That's worse than taking a credit card out in your name. That's up.

[Piper]

I'm saying, man.

[Mike]

Oh, I didn't get it.

[Pat]

Yeah, that's. I just got it, too.

[Mike]

Oh, yeah.

[Piper]

No, no, no, no. Yeah, I came first. I'm the oldest.

[Pat]

Wow, that's. Wow. She couldn't think. They must have called her at a bad time. Like, come on, give me your name. Give me your name.

[Carrie]

Now.

[Piper]

Here's my theory behind it. I think it's because she has a tattoo on her ankle that says my name, so I'm assuming she just went with. With it.

[Pat]

Got it, got it, got it. That's crazy, though.

[Mike]

Yeah, that is. No, it's kind of wild how you

[Piper]

sit at the table again with your mama knowing that she went. She took your name and was hitting the stage.

[Pat]

So. Yeah. So are you. Are you planning on confronting her about this?

[Piper]

I'm thinking about it. I've been sitting on it for a little bit. I'm. I kind of. You know, I'm gonna save it for a rainy day when I want to stir some stuff up.

[Mike]

How do you know, if you don't mind me asking, Skin?

[Piper]

I'm 25.

[Mike]

Okay. Yeah, I feel like you guys can.

[Pat]

Well, how old is your mom? Oh, your mom. You said your mom. 18 years older than you. So was she, like, 43 or something?

[Piper]

She's about 45. Yeah.

[Mike]

43.

[Pat]

45. I thought you said she was 18 when she had you or something.

[Piper]

No, I said she got pregnant. 18. She had me at 19.

[Pat]

Okay, 44, 45 type. Same. I'm just saying, like, I'm not about. I'm not about to argue with no barista. I'll get her off the phone.

[Mike]

Coming to the stage.

[Pat]

Coming to serve you coffee.

[Mike]

Going to episode 267 of Crash Dummies podcast. I want y' all to make some noise right now for Piper.

[Pat]

Not the barista. Matter of fact, y' all ain't even gotta clap. She gonna make it clap herself.

[Piper]

Hey, don't bring no coins. Make it rain dollars.

[Pat]

We bringing coins, man. We trying to see. We trying to see a real shaking esp.

[Mike]

I appreciate you. You have a good one.

[Piper]

Thank you so much. Y' all have a good one.

[Mike]

Peace.

[Piper]

Hello?

[Mike]

Hello?

[Pat]

Hello?

[Piper]

Hola. Can you guys hear me?

[Pat]

Yeah, I'll let Mike take over this call. Since the last girl didn't like him, let you get some redemption. Okay, that is not true. She, like, she said she was calling him misogynistic and everything. I was just.

[Mike]

You know, that's not true.

[Pat]

I'm gonna just be quiet. Quiet this call because I don't want nobody call me misogynistic this Mic episode.

[Piper]

I don't believe either of you guys are. That. There's no way.

[Pat]

Thank you. I appreciate it. Maybe Pat, but no.

[Mike]

Anyway, I have a question for. First of all, how's your day going?

[Piper]

It's going well.

[Carrie]

It's going well.

[Piper]

Can't complain. What about yours?

[Pat]

I didn't ask because I knew it was going well. I don't know why he insinuating like he had a bad day or something.

[Mike]

Oh, okay. All right. I do have a question for you. You.

[Pat]

You owe me a thousand dollars.

[Mike]

That is true.

[Guest]

Okay.

[Mike]

Oh, well, what beef do you have and why?

[Piper]

So hopefully she doesn't hear this because I need her to babysit my kids next month.

[Guest]

My mom.

[Piper]

My name is Shalonda, but it's spelled S, H, A L, O, N D I, A.

[Pat]

Wait, say it one more time. Spell it one more time. For the slow. For the slow people in the back for us.

[Piper]

S H, A L, O, N,

[Pat]

D, I, A. Shalondia.

[Mike]

Shalonda. No, it's Shalonda.

[Piper]

But that's the problem.

[Mike]

It shouldn't have the I.

[Piper]

Exactly. So for 31 years, she told me that I was silent and my name was Shalonda.

[Mike]

She just made her own rule.

[Piper]

That's what I. Listen. She was 16 when she had me. So I'm like, you know, she went to the pregnant people school maybe, whatever, right? And so for 31 years, people have made fun of me, called me Shalondia to piss me off. I go through this whole spill about, if the K and knife is silent, why can't the I and Shalanda be right?

[Pat]

Right, Right.

[Piper]

Same logic. So at 31, I'm like, okay, mom.

[Pat]

Like, not the same logic.

[Piper]

Explain to me your logic. Yeah, I know. So I'm like, just, mom, like, I don't get it why you have seven kids. I'm the only one with an extra letter that Made me.

[Pat]

Wait, wait, wait. What's. Not to, like, put you. What's your. Not to put you on blast, but give me, like, at least two names of your siblings just to see, like,

[Piper]

Daniel what a normal name.

[Carrie]

Right?

[Pat]

Okay, okay. What about another girl, though?

[Piper]

Chanel and Chen.

[Pat]

Okay, Chanel is not spelled.

[Piper]

No, that was now Chanel. Now, I'm not gonna lie. She did my sister wrong. She's the youngest. I'm the oldest. She spelled Chanel. She nail S H E with, like, N A, I, L, S H E, N E, L, L, E. What the.

[Pat]

How was. How was Daniel spelled?

[Piper]

Normal. Daniel spelled normal like the Bible. Everyone knows his name.

[Pat]

Oh, she love her son.

[Piper]

But at least you can. At least you can read. Read and sound out spelling Chanel, right?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Piper]

You might give it a little side eye, but you can clearly see what it says.

[Mike]

No, that makes sense.

[Piper]

So I asked her, like, why'd you do that? Why'd you name me that? She told me that she really named me Shalondia. The. I wasn't silent, but everyone kept calling me Shalonda, so she just went with it.

[Mike]

Oh, my gosh.

[Pat]

Peer pressured into giving you the wrong name. That's crazy.

[Piper]

So I'm, like, looking at myself, like. Like, am I even me? Like, what the. Like.

[Pat]

But I think I feel like Shalandia is a fire name. I just.

[Piper]

So this is what I started doing. I feel like Shalandia gives Chanel vibes. Right. Chanel bag vibes. Whereas Shalonda is like, yeah, sh.

[Pat]

Unique. Shalanda freakily.

[Piper]

Exactly.

[Pat]

Yeah. That's in there. So you got the freak.

[Piper]

Listen. And I was of age when. Yeah. So if I knew my name was Shalondia, I probably would be on a jit right now.

[Pat]

You'll probably be on Love Island. I believe a Shalondia.

[Mike]

Facts.

[Pat]

Oh, here comes a new bombshell. Shalondia.

[Piper]

Exactly. But I'm not.

[Mike]

What do you do now?

[Piper]

So, yeah, we have a beef. I'm a respiratory therapist.

[Pat]

Oh, you doing your thing. I know that name tag be fucking niggas up, but you doing your.

[Mike]

It does.

[Piper]

I tell them my name is Shawnee. At 19, I gave myself a nickname so that I could not have to deal with the whole, well, why is there an eye?

[Pat]

What's your nickname?

[Piper]

Shawnee.

[Pat]

Oh, Shawnee. Shout out to you. Shawnee. Yeah, I would like.

[Piper]

Thank you.

[Pat]

I pride myself and like that. I would literally call you by your full name just to prove that I don't it up. I'd be simping like that.

[Piper]

But so, like, it up my name.

[Pat]

I would never. I would never it up after the first time you. I would never go off somebody spelling of their name.

[Piper]

They do it to piss me off. I'm a tourist and I'm super stubborn. And they get this kick out of calling me Shalondia because it makes me mad.

[Pat]

Well, that's how it's spelled, though. We can't get too mad.

[Piper]

I know, but here's the kicker. Father's Day just passed and I talked to my mom because I have two dads. A whole different story. So my first dad, I asked him, is it true? My mom said the eye really wasn't silent. He told me it was. He was the one who named me me. So on Father's Day, I bring this up to my mom. I'm like, so mom, like, let me know. Like, I'm going through a midlife crisis. This is confusing. She looks at me, she's like. I don't know, whatever you want your name to be.

[Mike]

It could just be she's tired of your.

[Piper]

Yeah, I'm tired of her.

[Pat]

Like, what the she like, shalandia, please get the out my face.

[Piper]

I've never heard her call me Shaland in my life. That's the thing. I have never heard her call me that in my life.

[Pat]

No, that's crazy. I kind of like it.

[Mike]

So what do you feel like you go by now, then?

[Piper]

So here's the thing. Where I'm from, the Bay Area, right? So when I tell people the city in the Bay that I'm from, I say Shalanda. But I also grew up in a city called Woodland, which is by UC Davis, so it's a little more proper. Like three black people. So when I say I'm from Woodland, I say my name is Shalondia, so.

[Mike]

So you call you cold switching?

[Piper]

Yeah, pretty much. I mean, I. I need to profit off of it some way, right?

[Mike]

I feel it.

[Pat]

Okay. Are you coming to our show in San Francisco?

[Piper]

Yes. When is it?

[Pat]

August 20th. Thursday.

[Piper]

I'll be there.

[Pat]

Okay.

[Piper]

Well, we need to see if my mama babysit.

[Pat]

I mean, you can bring the kids, too.

[Guest]

You sure?

[Pat]

Yeah, if you ain't got no babysitter.

[Piper]

Their names are normal. I gave them normal names. Names so that they didn't have to.

[Pat]

Don't dox the babies, though. Who you believe?

[Piper]

You.

[Pat]

You already gotta. You already.

[Piper]

I'll see you guys then. Thank you.

[Pat]

See you. See you soon.

[Mike]

Dia just gave her another N.

[Carrie]

I

[Mike]

was gonna ask you, Carrie, though, do you have a friend group that y'.

[Piper]

All.

[Carrie]

No, I'm kidding.

[Mike]

Do you have a friend group that y'.

[Pat]

All.

[Mike]

Y' all trips leave the group chat?

[Carrie]

No.

[Piper]

Wow.

[Mike]

So don't. Do you.

[Carrie]

Not mine.

[Mike]

Are we the group chat?

[Pat]

Sometimes I had another group chat where we did some.

[Mike]

You have another group chat besides the one with us?

[Pat]

I used to make music in the collective and Eugene add me to that group chat right now.

[Mike]

I feel like people do get offended sometimes when they're not in a group chat.

[Piper]

Chat.

[Pat]

No, I get offended if you. I'm probably. You're the only person that can offend me with that.

[Mike]

If I'm enough like you.

[Pat]

If you.

[Mike]

But you're in other group chats though.

[Pat]

No, but I'm just saying, like, sometimes you'll come back with information. I'm like, why don't I notice information already?

[Mike]

Yeah, that's why it's different.

[Pat]

You talking to on the side and you getting jealous. No, Mike, Mike. Mike will come to me be like, yeah, bro, just talk to such and such. We got to go to Canada.

[Guest]

What?

[Pat]

Who the you talking about too? I jump straight in the chat. I be disagreeing on purpose. Like, nah, I can't make it.

[Mike]

They make the situation more difficult than

[Pat]

should have been involved.

[Mike]

No, I honestly think sometimes people are afraid to talk to you.

[Pat]

You think so?

[Mike]

Yeah, I don't know. Like this happened like twice where it's like. It's supposed to be a three way call, but then it's like, let's add pat. It's just like they was like. It's like.

[Pat]

It's like. It's like they get your opinion first, like Mike. And just let them know that it's gonn.

[Mike]

It's like almost like I have to tell him certain things they want me to say to them in my way. It's like if it. Because if they feel like they say it, I could be like, hell no.

[Pat]

As soon as I don't see no benefit of it. No. They'd be like, no, such and such. Such and such. And I just look at Mike. Mike be like, well, we do need such and such. I'd be like, all right, whatever. Close the deal on this ass. I would sign a paper to. I don't trust this right here. Might talk about. That's a janitor popping right by my feet. A lot of these in here.

[Mike]

Oh, man. I feel like with the. With the planning the trip thing, I. It depends. I feel like me. There's not like there's not six people right now that will say like, let's all go on in Group trip. And I know it's going to be smooth transition.

[Carrie]

Yeah, I think the hard part about it is everybody's at a different stage in life right now and they might not even be able to afford to all go and do all these extravagance.

[Mike]

But it's always the brokest person in the group chat that want to go, that want to go and push for the plans. And then when it's time to drop money, no one, it's like, hey, I got. All right, let's put. We have to buy the tickets now. Everybody send their money. Nah, bro, I'mma wait till next week though. It'd be like some. Something random and like I don't do

[Pat]

that pool of money.

[Mike]

We all get our own tickets.

[Pat]

Everybody get their own tickets. Everybody send the money to the person before they swipe their credit. Let them get their money on their account before they do all that. Cuz I don't want to hear nothing. I hate that, bro. I hate when people be in a club and be like, all right, let's okay, let's get in on a bottle. It's just like, no, bro, you should have collected that money before we got here, bro. That's actually what happened when we. When I flew to New York with

[Guest]

the, you know, with a group of

[Pat]

people, it was like 12 of us. So the group, you know, the group chat was going crazy. And I got to a point where I was like made another group chat, which is like three or four people from the group chat. Man, y' all look, you know, more mature.

[Mike]

Oh, I was in the group chat. It was like a, it was a. Some type of outing. It was some type of like outing, right? And it was like this like legit, like 50 people in this group chat. I think it's for like a birthday thing, right? And it was just like make sure just like everybody telling them where to go and this and that. So that was trying to like leave the group. And then there's a button on Instagram I did not know it said follow all. I followed 60, 68 people roll like people that probably shouldn't be following, you know, me. So then I have to go individually and keep unfollowing. Have to keep going in the group chat. Unfollow, unfollow. Imagine following that many people people. And I felt bad cuz some people followed me back and I still was unfollowing because I was just committed to clearing out the. The list to get it back to that same number.

[Pat]

That's crazy.

[Mike]

Why does Instagram Even have a. A button say follow everybody in the group chat.

[Pat]

That's crazy. Let just say if you a lame ass. Everybody in the group chat did a follow for follow. Chain

[Mike]

reneged on it. Too crazy.

[Pat]

Hashtag follow for follow, hashtag will follow, follow back. Hashtag Cuck square.

[Mike]

That was, that was. That was the golden era Instagram.

[Pat]

To me, people used to admit that, like, I don't unfollow. I don't.

[Mike]

Or people like, remember when people actually used to post, like, Woman Crush Wednesdays?

[Carrie]

Yes.

[Mike]

What was the throwback Thursdays?

[Pat]

Woman Crush Wednesdays was only good. I hated when people participated in that if they was in a relationship. Like, don't.

[Mike]

About like celebrities and shit.

[Pat]

No relationships or even celebrities. Because it's like, to me, Women Crush Wednesday was supposed to be high risk shit. Yes. Like, don't. I don't want to see your girlfriend of three years on Woman Crush Wednesdays crushing on her. Take this crusty ass girl on Monday. I want to see. I want to see the niggas that single say woman Crush Wednesday to a girl and her put thank you and that's it on that nigga post and just see that nigga heart get crushed. Thank you. No emojis, no exclamation.

[Mike]

But I hated the ex.

[Pat]

I hated the.

[Mike]

To try to, like, get out of the little orbit of doing it when they'd be like, oh, you're my crush on Thursday too. Like, my Thursday crush. Whatever.

[Pat]

Who did? What do you mean?

[Mike]

People used to try to be different by not posting on Wednesday for the woman. For the woman Crush Wednesday.

[Pat]

That's game.

[Mike]

And they would try to post on Friday, Woman's Crush Friday. It's like, bro, you can't do that.

[Pat]

Wcf. That was me, boy. I was a sucker when I was in high school. I'd be like, happy two months, baby. Happy three months. Happy four and a half months.

[Mike]

Nah. Being in a relationship for a year in high school, that felt like you were together for a long time.

[Pat]

Because there's so many things that could break y' all up, bro.

[Mike]

The littlest things.

[Pat]

The littlest could break you up.

[Carrie]

Locked in.

[Pat]

You got to be locked. You got to be more mature. Like, you got to be like. Which is rare. It got to be two mature people that actually like each other for the right reason.

[Carrie]

I don't even think that. I think some people can be extremely toxic and then last all the way through college and then get married. Because when you're that young, it's probably one of those on again, off again. Type of situations. And I feel like that's how a lot.

[Mike]

I'm talking about, like, high school, though. High school crushes.

[Carrie]

Yeah. And you said like, a year. Being in a relationship for a full

[Pat]

year, that's a long ass.

[Mike]

That's a long time.

[Pat]

That's a really long time. If somebody get through the summer.

[Mike]

Yes, yes.

[Pat]

That's crazy, bro. If a couple make it through the summer because everybody start dating second semester, you start seeing that don't even go together. You'd be like, what the. How the. Is he. Her.

[Carrie]

What the.

[Pat]

Going on? And then. But that's crazy because she. Because she's bored. That's why.

[Mike]

Little.

[Pat]

Then when that summer come and it's time to turn to college, you hit that up. Like, yo, how you and Stacy doing? I ain't heard from her in a minute. Because she went to Arizona State. That's why. Game over.

[Mike]

But a lot can change in the summer, too, Especially over guys like, you go through puberty, you legit could be like, five, six. One summer come back to school, you're like five, nine. You're like a whole different person. And then now your pool of women starts to open up a little bit.

[Pat]

It's a family vacation. Vacations, too, like stations. It's the vacation some people, like, take off. Like, I used to, like, live like my mom and dad live, you know, 13, 14 hours apart. So I would leave any relationship that I had in whatever state I just left. This is over with.

[Carrie]

You didn't even try?

[Mike]

No.

[Pat]

It's literally Charlotte, North Carolina, in Pontiac. Michigan is cooked. I got a new girl. I try to. I'd be like, I give him. I give it like, two weeks and shit like that. Then I start a little argument. And you always want to sleep too early.

[Mike]

Even when I was in Nigerian boarding school, I had a girlfriend, too, at that point. And we already knew, like, this was gonna last because I was going. I was going back to Chicago in a year or like, in a year

[Carrie]

at that point, then high school relationships are just pointless.

[Pat]

They are.

[Mike]

They are kind of like, I practice all. All our little homies, they're in high school. And I tell. They always come to me for, like, relationship advice when I was coaching, too. It's just like, bro, it's not. It don't seem that way now, but this not gonna matter, bro. Every time, just real. Because they'd be, like, going through, like, heartbreak, and it's just like, you just have to deal with it right now. I promise you this, in a year, two years, this Is not gonna matter, bro.

[Guest]

My.

[Pat]

All my high school. My high school girlfriends are my cousins. Now that's how I look at them.

[Carrie]

Oh,

[Mike]

that's a crazy.

[Pat]

Might as well be.

[Carrie]

That is your sisters, not your homegirl.

[Mike]

That's a crazy line to say. The crazy line.

[Pat]

Y' all reaching a little bit.

[Mike]

But.

[Pat]

They are my cousins. I didn't know if I had to confirm that they not my cousin. See what I mean?

[Mike]

Because you didn't say I like, are like my cousin. You didn't say that.

[Pat]

You said, I made my cousins. What if they was my cousin? So take that ass out. Like, so what?

[Guest]

What?

[Pat]

We a had no kids together.

[Guest]

We good.

[Mike]

That's crazy.

[Pat]

I ain't creating no three arm bandits marriage crazy. You see, I ain't see nobody around here with no extra thumbs. I ain't do nothing. Oh, man.

[Mike]

My gosh.

[Pat]

Okay. Tweet a week. Tweet a week. Tweet of the week. Tweet a week.

[Carrie]

Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet.

[Pat]

Somebody said these forgot the bacon on my sound sandwich. A girl responded from where? The dude said, subway. And the girl responded, you forgot your bacon? How they forget your bacon?

[Mike]

I was think.

[Pat]

I didn't even think about that. She said, you forgot the bacon. How they forget your bacon and you standing there watching to bake the sandwich?

[Mike]

No, but there is sometimes, back in the day when I used to go to Subway is that they kind of take your.

[Pat]

Your.

[Mike]

They ask you what you want and they kind of take it ahead of the line. So you lose sight of your sandwich.

[Pat]

They take your meat away.

[Carrie]

It be a lot of pressure when you have to put all your toppings on your sandwich sometimes. Because then if you go there all the time. I used to go to Subway a lot, and sometimes they would move their, like, condiments and it's like, I don't know where.

[Mike]

Since you don't know the name of it.

[Carrie]

Oh, I thought you was about to laugh at something.

[Pat]

What? But yeah, you so immature. I wasn't even thinking that.

[Carrie]

But yeah, it's like a lot of pressure. And then you got a line behind you. Like, no, no, you should probably forgot.

[Mike]

You should know what you want before you get up there. Like, don't do that.

[Pat]

Listen, don't do.

[Mike]

If you go to Chipotle anything, you start trying to, like, do something new. Like. No, don't do that. Get the regular that you get. Why you trying something new in front of me?

[Pat]

No, you basic.

[Carrie]

That's why.

[Mike]

Get your regular.

[Pat]

Order Subway Subway. Speaking of subway. But subway business model. The whole game up to me, it's just the fact that you can go into a subway and like all of them could be different. Like you never know what you getting into. Dunkin Donuts are getting like that now too. It just like, bro, I'm walking in this.

[Mike]

You know what? Something they all have in common though.

[Pat]

What?

[Mike]

All right, go ahead, Say anything. You don't even know what I'm trying to say, bro. There's so many ways to go with that.

[Pat]

All right, tweet a week. This is the dumbest tweet of the week. Somebody said when you realize a chicken only has four legs, eating a ten piece combo seems wild as

[Piper]

what.

[Mike]

I was just thinking about as multiple chickens. Stupid as hell.

[Guest]

It was.

[Pat]

It was like a compilation of the dumbest deleted tweets that up. Okay, Somebody said on Facebook, be begging for free beats. Then drop a song rapping about money. Crazy.

[Carrie]

They gotta get. They start somewhere, man.

[Pat]

I always had like a big like, it's. It's tough for me because if. If you want to be that style of rapper, like I got this, I got that at. And that's what you good at. You gotta start there. So your imagination gotta kind of be bigger than your bank account at that point. Because it's like you can't. You gotta like live through other. You gotta be like, just bought a bottle back to back, back to back. Ain't even look at the tab like, you know what I'm saying? But it's just like my. You pay for two shots and dips. You saw some other buy some bottles back.

[Mike]

Now if I had that free pre

[Guest]

written,

[Mike]

that was definitely pre written each

[Pat]

other at the same time.

[Mike]

You know, when you try. You try to show your homie you got some bars real quick.

[Pat]

Wait, is that right? Wait, what? What? Now say it again. Say it again. I don't even know what I said.

[Mike]

No, he got that. You know when your homie like. It's like that me.

[Pat]

Wait, what?

[Mike]

It's like that one video when you said when your friend trying to act kind of casually show that you can sing a little bit.

[Pat]

Wait, wait, what was.

[Mike]

And it said back to back to back to back.

[Pat]

Wait, I got it. I'm just making up a ly. That was hard though. When hit the back to back. Don't even look at the tag. You bought two shots last night. You ain't got no dad. Fatherless ass Will Smith ass dog.

[Carrie]

He casually.

[Pat]

I never had a Uncle Phil, but

[Mike]

I had a pool Stick.

[Pat]

Oh, man. Man. For real. These bullets travel everywhere. These bullets, like a B Cure, Bic, Bisexual. Cool.

[Mike]

Go ways.

[Pat]

I put two wheels on it, not go both ways.

[Carrie]

You sound about 45.

[Piper]

Sit down.

[Mike]

Sit down.

[Piper]

Get up.

[Pat]

Oh, yeah, let me. No, we both. We can't be two caked up best friends. I got to stay seated. Oh, man.

[Carrie]

That's an OG Bar.

[Mike]

Oh, man.

[Pat]

No, that's how them be rapping. Grab a shirt. I just thought them be grabbing shirts too much in battle rap.

[Mike]

Oh, man. Anyway, that's been the podcast. Appreciate y'. All make sure you guys get the live show tickets. More days to come. Make sure you guys follow us on all social media platforms as well. Carrie, you dropped any. You drop every day, right?

[Carrie]

Yeah.

[Mike]

You still dropping every day?

[Pat]

Am Every day.

[Carrie]

I'm kidding.

[Mike]

Somebody was. Somebody was.

[Carrie]

Ask through Friday.

[Mike]

Somebody was asking if you. You don't want it bad enough, but somebody was asking if you.

[Pat]

If you had a YouTube video misogynist

[Carrie]

don't want it bad enough.

[Pat]

I'm dropping every.

[Mike]

They were asking if you had a. A YouTube channel.

[Carrie]

I have a YouTube channel. Yes. You can follow it at. Carrie Noni C A R R I E N O N. She gonna comment

[Pat]

under the next YouTube drop. Y' all go show her some love.

[Carrie]

Yeah, so I'll be on this episode, so I'll be able to comment.

[Mike]

No, we gonna edit. We editing all your parts out. So it's gonna be.

[Pat]

It's just gonna be me doing the robot. Carrie was talking right here. No, but did that. No. Real quick question before we end. So the dude. What's his name?

[Mike]

Lindsay Lindsey. Lindsay Graham.

[Pat]

Did he die from explosive diarrhea or is that just a rumor?

[Mike]

I don'. Who said that? Oh, my gosh.

[Carrie]

That out. Big crazy. Be careful.

[Pat]

Wait, what? Oh, it's. It is crazy, though. That's a real thing, though. The explosive diarrhea parasite coming around the

[Carrie]

kylo, the silo, sporadic.

[Mike]

Oh, that's a real thing?

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Carrie]

You better not. You better not eat no produce, brother.

[Mike]

What? Produce? What do you mean?

[Carrie]

So, like, leafy greens, spinach, any type of, like, salad bag mixes fruits, like berries, strawberries right now. Because there's, like, watermelon parasite. That's cool. Of course you want to say the watermelon parasite.

[Mike]

Have to cut up watermelons right now.

[Carrie]

Parasites are in the food, and you have to cook it in order for it to die. You can't just wash it right now. So just be mindful of that.

[Mike]

So people are getting it but not dying from it.

[Pat]

Yes.

[Carrie]

They're not dying.

[Mike]

Oh, okay. You can die from explosive.

[Pat]

Yes, you can. You can die from parasite. You can literally die from. From too much, bro. Oh, man, it's that. It's that die. I think Elvis died on the toilet, like, shitting.

[Mike]

All right, y', all, it's been crash on me's episode.

[Pat]

Hey, man, that nigga died. Stitch Fix. Stop shopping. Get styled.

[Mike]

Not today, sweatpants.

[Piper]

Somebody's wearing jeans that fit.

[Mike]

No photos, please.

[Pat]

I'm just a regular dad who happens

[Mike]

to have a stylist.

[Pat]

I really look my best when someone else makes the decisions. Hey, we can all see you two way mirrors. Just share your size, style, and budget, and your stylist sends personalized looks right to your door. Stitch Fix. Get started today at Stitch Fix.

[Guest]

Com.

[Pat]

I want to hug you.

[Guest]

I'm going to hug you. I'm coming in for a hug.