Crash Dummies Podcast with Pat and Mike

Episode 249: Listeners Beg For Forgiveness

Release Date: March 11, 2026
Guests: Listener Callers, Noni Juice

Episode Overview

In this episode—fittingly titled "Listeners Beg For Forgiveness"—Patrick Johnson and Michael Esiobu ("Pat and Mike") dive into a fun, unfiltered conversation about wild current events, weird personal stories, and listener confessions. With topical asides touching on everything from celebrity scandals and social media hate to the etiquette of using someone else's bathroom, the episode’s highlight is definitely the candid, sometimes outlandish listener calls. The second half features special guest Noni Juice, adding extra energy to the banter on gender politics, relationships, and social pettiness. As always, the Crash Dummies mix real talk with wild tangents, honest insights, and a healthy dose of jokes.

Key Discussion Points & Notable Moments

1. International Women's Day & Merch Hype

• The show opens acknowledging International Women's Day, using their signature playful tone to hype up their "Women’s Century" T-shirts and remind listeners of upcoming tour dates (01:00–02:19).
• Quote:
  • “Happy International Women's Day to some of you too. But no, they were like this...” – Pat (01:16)
  • “We have to snap for the ladies. I feel like that's cat-calling Happy International.” – Mike (01:12)

2. Dwight Howard Scandal & Drug Quantities

• The hosts riff on Dwight Howard’s recent drama involving CPS and a live-streamed drug incident, comparing normal personal use versus suspiciously large amounts (03:02–04:43).
• Pat's take:
  • "Dwight Howard and his girl, they pulled out damn near what it looked like a half a brick... It was for personal use. Like, what the fuck is going on?" (03:33)

3. Acknowledge or Ignore the Haters? Social Media Mentality

• Discussing how public figures respond to online hate, using Kai Cenat as an example for whether to “make a wall of hate” or just ignore it. Both hosts weigh in on the best approach to trolls, criticism, and negativity in social media.
• Mike (mature take):
  • "If it helps him cope with dealing with the comments, then I think it's right for him to do that." (05:19)
• Pat (petty take):
  • "The thing about me is, like, I don’t have a middle gauge. ... I’m going to find your girlfriend. I’m going to DM her." (07:16)

4. Bathroom Etiquette: When Can a Guest Poop at Your Place?

• Hot debate erupts around when, if ever, it’s okay for a guest to use your bathroom for "serious business."
• Pat:
  • "If you’re at my place for more than 24 hours, you can take a shit." (08:38)
  • "If you do take a shit... that’s the last time you'll see my place." (10:14)
• Mike:
  • "If you’re at my place more than four hours, that's shit worthy." (09:13)

5. Reacting to Viral Videos: Plane Rants, PDA, and Fake Relationships

• The Southwest flight "Death to America" rant sparks a bit about social unity in crisis ("It’s always fuck Trump, until we’re on the airplane together," Pat, 11:14).
• Pat and Mike debate if Lori Harvey and Damson Idris’s relationship is a "PR relationship" after their performative balcony makeout (12:25–13:23).

6. Fast Food CEOs Eating On Camera & Customer Service Rants

• The hosts talk about the trend of fast food CEOs eating their own food for damage control and joke about what CEOs (DoorDash, Indeed) should have to endure.
• Pat:
  • "I want to see the DoorDash CEO wait on food... Your app say 18 minutes, I've been waiting 18 hours." (17:36)

7. Pickles vs. Tomatoes: The Real Food Debate

• A passionate food argument: pickles on burgers are a must, tomatoes only if the bun is structurally sound (19:49–20:49).

8. Police, Political Flags, & Social Identity Stickers

• Banter on cop friends and the meaning behind car stickers (student driver, baby on board, political flags), segueing into partisan polarization and why Pat draws the line at Trump (22:14–25:05).
• Pat:
  • “If you vote for Trump at this point... there's nothing else that we can talk about. ... You can't tell me you can literally be a Republican and bow out for the next three years and just be like, I don't know what the fuck going on. I'm a Republican." (25:05)

9. Call-In Segment: Forgiveness Confessions

The bulk of the episode's meat—hilarious, raw, sometimes tragic listener admissions (30:00 onwards).

Highlights:

• Caller 1: Confesses using one woman as an “access point” to get her friend.
  • "I'm trying to get to the friend. Is that crazy?" (32:43)
• Caller 2 (38-year-old): Regrets treating women badly in the past after divorce and having a daughter.
  • “I want to be forgiven for how I treated them because now I got a daughter.” (35:03)
• Caller 3: Regrets past cheating after recent breakup, admits he's working on himself and “getting right with God.” (41:02)
• Caller 4 (6'6" barista): Wants to be forgiven for not making more of his height and not going pro ("I want to be forgiven for not using my height to his full potential, bro. ... People up my ass for being 6'6" and not being in the league." (43:32))
• Caller 5: Jokes about using his grandpa’s heart attacks as work excuses ("Every job I go to, whenever I need a break, I just... tell them my grandpa had a heart attack." 48:56)
• Caller 6 (cheater, voice distorted): Admits serial cheating, can’t leave his main girl, and asks for preemptive forgiveness ("I've been cheating on my girl, but I ain't been caught yet.” 52:05)
• Caller 7: Reveals he used to regularly steal from the cash register as a teen. (59:53)
• Caller 8 (female): Tells cops weed is “CBD,” gets off without charges, then finds out her plug actually sold her CBD (63:50–67:18).
• More callers continue the trend of wild, often morally gray admissions.

10. Special Guest: Noni Juice Joins The Pod (70:25 onwards)

• Gender, social dynamics, and “take-backs” in relationships and friendships — what are the ethics of giving, borrowing, and getting petty?
• Emoji etiquette: Is the thumbs-up passive-aggressive? What does “K” mean in a text?
  • “Not responding at all... they're like, oh, they hate me.” – Noni Juice (76:37)
• Long apology texts—do guys ever really send them, or just give a Biggie-style “non-verbal apology” (100:00–101:18).

11. Casinos, Tipping, and Desperation

• Pat is shocked at the idea of tipping $10,000 on a win; Mike sheepishly admits he once tipped $20 after a $1,000 blackjack win.
  • Pat: "If I was a blackjack dealer, I'm liable to slap the shit out of you." (94:03)
• Casino stories about relentless gamblers and bathroom habits (“They wear diapers.” 96:16).

12. Random Rapid-Fire Bits

• Childhood and cringey email addresses ("fatma29" loyalty, “getoutthewayJohnson77@hotmail.com”)
• The art of online apologies and Facebook oversharing in relationships (“Why do I know that Johnny is uncircumcised on a Tuesday night?” 103:23)
• Bizarre party tricks, 80s/EDM/cocaine jokes, TikTok dances, and how romance and masculinity have evolved for Gen Z.

Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• “If it helps him cope with dealing with the comments, then I think it's right for him to do that.” — Mike on handling online hate (05:19)
• “I don't have a middle gauge. ... I’m going to find your girlfriend. I’m going to DM her.” — Pat (07:16)
• "If you do take a shit... that’s the last time you'll see my place." — Pat, on houseguest bathroom limits (10:14)
• “It’s always fuck Trump until we’re on the airplane together.” — Pat (11:14)
• "I'm trying to get to the friend. Is that crazy?" — Caller (32:43)
• “I want to be forgiven for how I treated them because now I got a daughter.” — 38-year-old caller (35:03)
• "I'm a serial cheater. ... For two years I've been being strong." — Distorted-voice caller (54:25)
• “I want to be forgiven for not using my height to its full potential, bro.” — 6’6” caller (43:32)
• “I used to steal out the cash register every day, you know?” — Cash register confessor (61:10)
• “Why do I know that Johnny is uncircumcised on a Tuesday night?” — Pat on Facebook drama (103:23)

Listener Takeaways

• Honesty, shame, and forgiveness: The confessions ranged from hilarious to heavy—revealing much about modern relationships—and the hosts’ candid reactions keep things real.
• Petty social etiquette: Whether it’s emojis, bathroom rules, or T-shirt drops, pettiness and boundary-setting are always in style.
• The world’s a wild place: From Beyoncé-level PR stunts to CEOs eating burgers on TikTok, Crash Dummies never let you forget how strange and meme-able the news cycle has become.

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Note: Ad reads and intros/outros are omitted for brevity and focus. For full banter and all the wild in-between moments, check out the full episode.