Transcript

Mike (0:03)

Kids, they grow up so fast. One day they're taking their first steps and the next they don't fit into the tiny sneakers they took them in.

Pat (0:11)

You blink your eyes and their princess dress is two sizes too small.

Mike (0:15)

And their dinosaur backpack isn't cool anymore.

Pat (0:18)

But don't cry because they're growing up. Smile because you can profit off of it for real.

Mike (0:25)

There are a bunch of parents on.

Pat (0:26)

Depop looking for the stuff your kid just grew out of.

Mike (0:29)

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Crash (1:02)

What was the last good Christmas gift y' all got? Everybody got silent.

Pat (1:13)

Hey, this, this be the up part. Like if. If you're involved with the woman, you know, and she didn't get you that gift. You know what Lucky? Change changed my. My life because I. I like my. My house being warm type shit. You know, some people like they like 68. Sometimes I keep. I keep my at like 74. God damn. God damn.

Crash (1:37)

74 degrees.

Pat (1:38)

I used to keep it there. Yeah.

Crash (1:40)

Sheesh.

Pat (1:40)

That boy work living hell. I would never, I would never come over your house, bro. I got a heated blanket on top of the 74. No, no, just like, I mean, sometimes.

Crash (1:53)

Oh my God.

Pat (1:56)

That's not the point though.

Crash (1:57)

The funny thing about Gene Don to the gym all the time and he stayed the same weight for like je.

Summary

Crash Dummies Podcast with Pat and Mike

Episode 238: "Over 30 Under 40" – December 22, 2025

Overview

In this humor-heavy, freewheeling episode, hosts Patrick Johnson and Michael Esiobu dive into personal stories, wild hypotheticals, and real listener calls. They riff on everything from awkward holiday gifts and relationships to celebrity encounters and the latest cultural controversies, all while keeping their signature absurd, quick-witted banter. The show also features a rotating cast of live callers who share confessions, problems, and offbeat stories—adding to the podcast's unpredictable energy.

Key Discussion Points & Memorable Segments

1. Holiday Gifts, Sweaty Parties, and the Adult Christmas Experience

Christmas Gift Talk:
- The hosts comically lament the transition from childhood Christmas excitement to adult practicality.
  - Pat: “You blink your eyes and their princess dress is two sizes too small.” (00:11)
  - Mike: “Smile because you can profit off of it for real.” (00:18)
Heated Blanket Bit:
- Pat tells how a heated blanket changed his winter life, but leads to jokes about uncomfortably hot parties and embarrassing sweat stains.
- Pat: “I would never come over your house, bro. I got a heated blanket on top of the 74 [degrees].” (01:40)
- Crash: “That’s the worst house to have a party at.” (02:37)
- Sweaty suit situations at weddings and dances trigger more laughter about hiding underarm stains as grown men.
- Crash: “Nobody want to see you taking off your jacket.” (03:58)

2. The Absurdity of Adult Gift Exchanges

Gift Exchanges as Money Exchange:
- The hosts agree that as adults, exchanging gifts just feels like swapping cash, removing the magic (04:17–04:47).
- Pat: “I saw two couples, and they bought each other a... they both were shot. Both BMWs... Y’all could’ve went to the same dealership!” (04:47)

3. Clubbing Personalities & Wild Nights Out

The Spectrum of Going Out:
- Discussion on taking friends out who never go, leading either to amazement or chaos.
- Pat: “You either have the best time... or... every time they get out... they just gotta get up and do some crazy shit like the night just don't end.” (07:17)
- The dangers of "demon" partiers, marathon after-parties, and the infamous “bathroom rally” (throwing up to keep partying) (08:06–09:17).
- Pat (sarcastically): “What are you, a toddler?” (09:17)

4. Embarrassing Exits & Security Stories

Getting Kicked Out:
- The indignity of being ejected from clubs, whether in a “computer chair” or by overzealous security.
- Pat: “There's no cool way of getting kicked out... I look goofy as hell being in the air with two dudes lifting me out of a club.” (10:27)

5. Family Trolling, Allergies & Childhood Stories

Pat’s Grandpa Trolling Him:
- Surreal story about being “framed” for a bad smell on a plane as a prank, revealing family dynamics.
- Pat: “Parents are wicked.” (12:59)
Embarrassing Others and Sincerity on the Show:
- Pat draws a line between on-air teasing and real life embarrassment (13:09–14:21).
Skepticism about Allergies:
- Pat jokes about people faking peanut allergies for attention.
- Pat: “People with peanut allergies just want attention, bro. Just eat the Snickers.” (15:47)
- Mike: “Some people are allergic to almost everything... your face gonna swell up, possibly die. Like, what?” (15:54)

6. The Epstein Files & Island Conspiracies

Reaction to Released Photos:
- Pat and Mike riff on political elites photographed with Jeffrey Epstein, fixating on Bill Clinton and Trump’s frequent appearances.
- Pat: “Bill Clinton is a horny ... and he need to go to prison. I've seen enough evidence.” (18:15)
- Crash: “Trump name in there enough, too, if you want to keep it real... our president is in a scandal.” (18:50)
- The panel questions the lack of context and timeline for the infamous photos (19:09).
Island Owner Paranoia:
- “If anybody invites you to an island, just know... we watch y’all.” (23:03)

Listener Call-in Confessions & Debates

A. Awkward Celebrity Encounters

Kevin Gates Story (24:02–27:11)
- A caller (Mike) shares the heartbreak of flashing a Michael Kors watch at a Gates concert—only for the rapper to visibly scoff.
- Caller: “I sent him a long ass message, like, until I get an apology... I’ll never download none of your albums.”
- The hosts riff on “Really Really” lyrics and commiserate about celebrity letdowns.
Jack Harlow “Big Dick Energy” Mix-up (56:25–59:07)
- Another caller awkwardly describes meeting the rapper at a baby shower, expecting charisma but getting “chill energy” instead.

B. Relationship Drama & Wild Stories

Sneaky Link Pregnancy Panic (28:21–33:01)
- A young man admits he could be the father of his “sneaky link’s” baby (who is five months pregnant, with a different boyfriend).
- Caller: “I could be a possibility... if that baby look just like me, I’ma move to Africa.”
- Hosts dissect timelines, drama, and give “first Pampers on us.”
Body Count Honesty & Reset Theories (34:13–38:27)
- A female caller discusses lying about her partner count, her “career high,” and the premise that body counts reset yearly (“Every year your body count resets!”).
- Surprise twist: two of the flings were brothers, another a cousin.
- Pat: “You do what you want, Queen.” (38:31)
- Confirms all experiences are in the past and she’s “clean, STD-free.”
Relationship Transparency Discussion
- Dialogue with a couple sharing pizza leads to playful prodding about pride, poverty, and grandmas supplying better meals than girlfriends (43:05–47:15).

C. Existential & Philosophical Tangents

Evolution as Sin? (53:34–56:15)
- A caller expresses anxiety about human evolution, proclaiming, “We weren’t supposed to evolve. That’s the devil!”
- The hosts attempt to ground her in history and evolution, shifting from humor to sincere engagement.

D. More Celebrity Letdowns

NFL Player Disappointment (49:23–52:53)
- A fan describes meeting his Eagles hero—who ignored him and hit on his date instead.
- Caller: “He just ignores me, and he starts talking to the girl I’m with... it really hurt my soul.”

Culture, Sports, and Hot Takes

Robot Fears & Future-Proofing (59:16–63:59)
- Kyrie Irving vs. robots, “the government is probably a decade ahead,” and whether humans should side with robots in the coming war.
- Pat vows he'd upload his consciousness: “Hell, yeah, I definitely do it... Leader of the robot revolution.” (63:21)
“F*ck the streets” and Slang Trends (64:21–65:55)
- The group debates who gets to say “the streets,” cultural slang, and how non-street people co-opt phrases for comic effect.
Sports & Puka Nacua Car Story (66:19–68:47)
- Pat and Mike break down the odd story of a football rookie’s brother allegedly stealing a car and the pitfalls of TikTok celebrations.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

On Clubbing Personalities:
- “You either have the best time... or it's that person that every time they get out... gotta do some crazy shit.” — Pat (07:17)
On Heat & Sweat:
- “That’s the worst house to have a party at.” — Crash (02:37)
On Relationship Drama:
- “So, like, what’s gonna be—what you gonna do after the baby gets here? Like, what if she just tries to start a family with a new dude and you sneak a picture of the new baby and it looked just like you?” — Pat (29:56)
On Celebrity Encounters:
- “Bill Clinton is a horny... and he need to go to prison. I've seen enough evidence. I don't give a fuck what he gotta say.” — Pat (18:15)
- “I thought he was going to be more involved... but he was a little more relaxed and chill with it.” — (Caller, on Jack Harlow; 57:29)
On Technology & the Future:
- “If we see technology on the Internet... the government has is probably a decade, maybe even more ahead of us.” — Pat (61:23)
- “Hell, yeah. I definitely do it. And I would be the leader of the robot revolution.” — Pat (63:21)

Listener Call Timestamps (Highlights)

[24:02] — Kevin Gates concert disappointment
[28:21] — Sneaky link pregnancy dilemma
[34:18] — “My body count was less than 20” confession
[49:23] — Eagles player ignores fan, hits on his date
[53:34] — “We weren’t supposed to evolve” existential theory
[56:25] — Jack Harlow baby shower encounter

Podcast Tone and Language

The tone throughout is deeply conversational, raw, and irreverent, filled with inside jokes, sarcastic asides, and frequent playful crosstalk.
Speakers rely heavily on personal anecdote, absurdist humor, and real-time roasting—both of themselves and their listeners.
Calls and interviews often veer into unfiltered territory, revealing unusual honesty and offbeat opinions.

Conclusion

This Crash Dummies episode is classic for the duo: candid, chaotic, and consistently funny. Pat and Mike manage to keep the energy high while letting listeners drive the conversation to unpredictable places—from family trolling and sweaty parties to sex confessions and pondering the robot apocalypse. Beneath all the jokes and wild digressions, their banter and chemistry hold the show together, making for an episode that’s as engaging for first-timers as it is for longtime fans.

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Over 30 Under 40 - Episode 238