Crash Dummies Podcast: "Teabagged Matcha" w/ Noel Miller (Ep. 233)

Date: November 19, 2025
Hosts: Patrick Johnson ("Pat"), Michael Esiobu ("Mike")
Guest: Noel Miller
Episode Theme:
This episode, shot in Los Angeles, features comedian and podcaster Noel Miller. Pat, Mike, and Noel tackle viral internet culture, questionable scenarios, and their signature blend of absurd humor. They riff on current events, AI oddities, relationship debates, sports drama, and open up the phone lines for wild listener confessions—all with irreverence and candor.

Main Segments & Discussion Highlights

1. Catching Up & Callbacks (03:04–05:14)

• Pat and Mike respond to YouTube comments:
  • 225 lbs as a bench press milestone: Pat notes it's not as exclusive as people think; many non-athletes hit it now.
  • Roasting each other's looks; jokes about "AI music" and fashion questions.
  • [Memorable Quote] Pat: "225 is more universal than it's ever been. I'm seeing people who look like they can't lift 125 putting up 225 five or six times." (03:21)

2. Family Politics & Sucker Presidents? (05:16–09:40)

• Pat tries to get his uncle into politics, leading to an outlandish story about what motivates him to vote: “He won't have his president sucking dick.” (06:02)
• Banter about political scandals, simulated conspiracies, and over-the-top internet theories (‘triangle of who blew who’ between Trump, Clinton, Monica Lewinsky, Hillary).
  • [Memorable Comedic Highlight] Mike: "There’s literally a triangle on the Internet of, like, who he blew and who he didn’t blow." (07:12)
  • Noel: “It’s a suckling.” (07:02)

3. Relationship Boundaries: Gifts for Friends & Class Divides (10:07–13:48)

• The ethics and optics of giving expensive gifts to friends of the opposite sex, especially if they have a partner.
  • The Ben The Don and Ari Fletcher “$3,000 purse” discussion—cool or crossing the line?
  • Pat: "If your girl has a guy friend and she only sees him when she visits her hometown... and he buys her a Birkin bag, that's kinda different." (10:48)
  • [Key Insight] To each their own, but don’t “show up” the boyfriend or partner, and context/tax bracket matters.

4. Current Events Absurdities (14:03–17:21)

• First human case of bird flu H5N5 in Washington: Pat and Mike joke (darkly) about extreme measures (“...if I was the first person to contract the virus...I’d be okay if the government blew my head off.” 14:34)
• Riffing on Black Friday: TVs are no longer a flex—“Black Friday, we all have big TVs now, put them groceries on sale.” (16:07)
  • Mike: “Those off-brand TVs...you can fold it in eight pieces, bro.”

5. Twitter/Tweet of the Week & Social Media Shenanigans (17:21–18:00)

• “I hate washing dishes & get hard randomly for no reason”—quote tweeted as "this nigga pansexual."
• Group roasts former tweets, Twitter’s wild past, and scandals (Rory from Rory & Mal podcast).
  • [Reflective] Pat: “Twitter was a wild place back then. But it still doesn’t excuse some things people said...” (19:22)

6. Judging by Profile Picture (19:46–24:21)

• Satirical breakdown of what profile pics “mean”:
  • Car selfie? “99 out of 100, she's a single mom.”
  • Hotel room mirror? “50% OnlyFans.”
  • Club photo? "For the streets."
  • Pat: “If you got a professional picture at the gym, that’s the same as the (picture) at the club—you don’t work here!” (23:23)
• Hilarious, tongue-in-cheek debate about photo choices, double standards, and transparent self-deprecation.

7. AI in Everyday Life & Annoyances (24:48–26:48)

• Is it wrong to use AI (ChatGPT) to reply to friends' emotional texts?
• Pat despises AI’s boundaries: “The one time I use you for a thing, and you can’t even do it.” (26:16)

8. Special Guest: Noel Miller Joins (29:42–59:33)

• Recap of past pod episode tech mishaps (“If I’m out of focus again, it’ll be unforgivable.” —Noel, 29:42).

• Banter about hygiene, group adventures, and a haunted escape room experience (Noel’s YouTube collab).

  • Pat: “I am a person that remembers every time someone smelled out of the ordinary.” (31:01)
  • [Escape Room Highlight] Pat: “But as soon as I download all of it, I’m just looking at it all in a folder and like, you know what? Some days a good day to resign.” (33:50)

• Zombie apocalypse bits:

  • “You just see a dude whipping, you’re like, yo, what you got away? Like, no, they got me.” (35:00)
  • “Just dip your dick in matcha, bro.” (36:22)

9. NBA Scandals & Are You Trash? (36:56–41:52)

• Scandal: Chauncey Billups, Terry Rozier, & sports betting conspiracies.
  • “As long as he doesn’t have any money funneled directly back...he might have a case because he might just be ass.” (38:23)
  • Noel: “We looked at the numbers, you’re actually ass.” (39:07)
• Noel’s Rec League Basketball Confession: Scored two points across 12 games. Crowd reaction made him wonder if he had a terminal illness (“Make-a-wish to brother— I thought I had four types of cancer!” 43:17)

10. Listener Call-Ins & Wild Confessions (73:49–103:40)

• Selected Highlights:
  • Height & “Meat” Myth: (74:00–77:40)
    Caller wonders if all NBA players over 6’4 have “big meat”, sparking immense laughter and incredulity.
    • Noel: “It’s so crazy you watch someone have a great highlight reel and you as a guy, you’re like, if his meat is small, these buckets mean less.” (75:35)
  • Selling Coke to the In-Laws: (79:24–82:46)
    Caller admits to bonding with and then supplying his partner’s family (with their knowledge) but not hers.
    • Pat: “You usually hope to bond with your father-in-law...y’all both throw a baseball. You like, man, let me get close...Let me hit the bag, bro.” (83:28)
  • Dirty Beats:
    Aspiring producer roasts his own friend for dropping “ass” bars, sharing music (“He chasing the beat like Usain Bolt!” 100:31)
  • Am I the Ahole? Cheating Preemptively:**
    Caller admits he’d “cheat before you cheat” if he senses his partner might—hosts quickly armchair-diagnose him (“Anytime you run into a problem, you go do something to destroy it.” —Pat 90:44)

11. Ridiculous Hypotheticals (63:15–67:10)

• Teleportation, but you arrive naked: Would you use the power?
  • Group settles: Useful (especially for prompt exits), but eventually ruins your reputation.
  • “You’re going to have that try-hard detective that’s going to be in your closet...” (65:42)

12. Miscellaneous Observations & Cultural Talk

• Parents’ questionable discussions about sex, kids “learning things too soon”, and generational differences in trauma.
  • Noel (on parenting): “I get afraid that me and Alina are gonna love our son too much, and he’s just not gonna get a realistic worldview.” (54:41)
• The "manifestation" hustle: Pat/Mike mock people with inspirational posts but no tangible plan (“...posting a mansion, a couple cars and a stack of money, but this dude got a forklift job and is 28 years old.” —Guest Caller, 92:05)
• Apple Watches with Suits = Spy Kids (104:06)
• Family name oddities in Pat’s clan (“My family has two people with the same exact name, and the dads are brothers...” —Pat, 71:59)

Notable Quotes & Moments

• Politics & Conspiracy:
  “That’s why he’s so mad—no, seriously, he like a bitter ex. Because they used to be really close.” (08:03)

• AI Realness:
  “Don’t tell me...Is using AI in a text message...that’s still effort though.” —Pat (25:12)

• Escape Room:
  “That episode showed me our audience really cares...they were like, I gotta punish you for the mistakes—get a better camera.” —Pat (29:54)

• Call-in Insanity:
  “I want to get my ass ate. I work with majority women. They keep talking about it like it’s the bee’s knees and I’m getting FOMO...” —Guest Caller (85:21)

• Relationship Philosophy:
  "Anytime you run into a problem, you go do something to destroy it. So if you feel like, oh, she's not having the same feelings as me, I'm gonna go make sure my heart is safe and kind of ruin it before she knows it's ruined. So that's on you." —Pat (90:44)

• Solidarity:
  "If you got a professional picture at the gym, that’s the same as the one at the club—because you don’t work here." —Pat (23:23)

Timestamps for Major Segments

• YouTube Comments/Bench Press Talk: 03:04–05:14
• Family Politics/Scandal Satire: 05:16–09:40
• Opposite Sex Gift Debate: 10:07–13:48
• Bird Flu & Black Friday: 14:03–17:21
• Tweet Shoutouts & Old Twitter: 17:21–18:00
• Profile Picture Satire: 19:46–24:21
• AI Annoyances: 24:48–26:48
• Noel Miller Joins/Escape Room: 29:42–59:33
• NBA Scandals, "Being Ass": 36:56–41:52
• Listener Hotline – Rapid Fire: 73:49–103:40
• Teleportation Hypothetical: 63:15–67:10

Episode Tone & Vibe

Raucous, offbeat, sometimes raunchy, but delivered with sharp timing and improvisational flow. Pat and Mike riff fearlessly while Noel Miller adds his quick wit and dry asides. Unfiltered honesty meets creative hypotheticals and relentless ribbing—perfect for listeners who crave laughs, hot takes, and a live-wire group dynamic.

End Message:
Pat, Mike, and Noel close by plugging forthcoming content (Noel’s Escape Room video), upcoming live shows, and reaffirming their signature: if you’re not ready for radical honesty, mockery, and a little chaos, you’re in the wrong place.