The Pans Turned Him On

Summary

Crash Dummies Podcast with Pat and Mike

Episode: The Pans Turned Him On (Ep. 234)
Date: November 26, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this raucous and lively episode, hosts Patrick Johnson (Pat) and Michael Esiobu (Mike), joined by regulars like Key and Dirty Dan, dive into a blend of absurd hypothetical scenarios, reflections on everyday mishaps, hilarious listener calls, and debates on culture and relationships. The tone is wild, unfiltered, and loaded with fast, self-aware banter as the hosts riff on everything from disrespect during arguments to getting caught watching adult content. This week’s recurring theme: the fine line between messy real-life mistakes and embracing the humor (and sometimes unexpected benefits) found in “bad” situations.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Being Disrespectful at the Wrong Times

• Reflections on moments of unintentional disrespect—like tuning out serious conversations for sports highlights.
• Key shares a story about watching a Steph Curry buzzer beater while his ex spoke about her recently passed grandma, feigning interest while sneakily watching the clip.
  • Quote: “The most disrespectful thing I ever did: I started playing the video and acted like I was scratching my nose and looking at it. I said, 'oh, word.'” — Key (01:55)
• Resonance with the crew: arguments interrupted by TV events, muting game mics mid-dispute, the nerve of women to "trip" regardless of audience.
• The crew agrees: if someone disses your grandma during an argument, it's a break-up offense.

2. Awkward Handshake Etiquette

• The group analyzes the awkwardness of multiple handshakes within a group, how social rules seem to demand you greet everyone, even escalating into repetitive, unnecessary gestures.
• Mike: “Once you shake up with somebody in the group, now you gotta shake up with everybody at the table.” (06:13)
• Handshakes as vectors for germs are debated, with joking accusations about each other's questionable hygiene—like eating Cheetos off the floor.
• Pat: “So that same dude could have just went to the bathroom, did some coke the second time, and did something else the third time, and now you got all this nasty shit on your hands.” (07:26)
• Gentle roast session about each other's quirks—cleanliness hypocrisy, toe-sucking allegations, and accusations about eating habits.

3. Social Media & Driving Dangers

• Reflecting on near-disasters due to phone distractions while driving.
• Mike: “I was making a left turn one time, and legit almost hit an old lady. And I’m locked in; I probably didn’t even touch my phone for a month after.” (11:09)

4. Tweet of the Week & Absurd Inventions

• The team riffs on “tweet of the week,” poking fun at people who listen to music while riding bikes and send texts mid-drive.
• Fascination with a new "telescopic contact lens" that can zoom your vision—Key jokes this means “you will now be able to see your penis.” (12:30)

5. Viral News: Sympathy Windfalls and Morality

• The story of a Chicago mom & kid attacked by local youth. Hosts discuss the public GoFundMe—$200k, a new apartment, and if enduring that sort of trauma would be “worth it” for a windfall.
• The morality of suffering for a financial "reward" is debated, leading to laughs about hypotheticals like: would you take a bullet for $500k? But what about long-term effects?
  • Pat: “What about the long-term effects though? Your shoulder might never move again.” (19:28)

6. Changing Your Mind and Owning Up

• Discussion on how people get clowned for changing their minds—when is it legitimate, when are you just being stubborn?
  • Key: “People get chastised for changing their mind. But if you’re so far on saying you’re correct, it matters when you change your mind.” (20:31)

7. Listener Calls: The Worst Texts and Happy-Ends from Bad Situations

• Dirty Dan: Shares about a woman texting him a year after their entanglement, claiming he may have a kid—but he blocks her after being told “it’s not yours.”
  • Quote: “She said she thinks it’s not mine. That’s all I needed. I blocked her on everything.” (26:21)
• Another listener: On being held hostage by an ex’s baby daddy.
  • Dirty Dan: “If it would have never happened, I’d have still been in that situation, and I would have never elevated my life for myself and my kids.” (29:51)
• Other callers discuss being caught in embarrassing or revealing scenarios, like watching inappropriate content through accidentally connected Bluetooth while doing dishes.
  • Key: "That boy pansexual." (33:55)
• One shares about his girlfriend cheating—he helped her move for school, only to get sent a “backshot” video from her new hookup.
  • Dirty Dan: “I got her name tattooed on me two weeks before that, too.” (38:30)
  • Mike: “She ain’t lie. She was busy.” (38:26)

8. Relationship “Red Flags” and Preferences

• A woman discusses “holding down” former boyfriends while they served time, and her intent to change her “type”.
  • Key: “So you literally dating a dude you don’t want. Why are you wasting that nigga’s time?” (46:54)
  • Medication between “bad boys” and the newfound “blue collar” type, plus the struggle of never wanting to pay for dates.

9. On Show Ads, Monetization & Going “Hollywood”

• The crew clowns about how more ads and Patreon content spark some listener backlash.
• Dirty Dan: “Y’all got all these ads popping up. Go back to the old days!” (49:05)
• Hosts clarify the need to pay bills, with Mike pleading for understanding: “We got bills to pay, bro.” (49:13)

10. Social Perceptions & Outfits

• Observation that sometimes people assume you have money if you dress well, even when “in the same situation as the homeless man."
  • Key: “There’s been times, like, I got off on a bus and legit only got four good outfits to my name… and somebody asks me for money, and I just be like, 'What? I am struggling.'” (55:35)

11. Sleeping Positions and Hilarious Anatomy Debates

• The controversial, comic highlight: how the guys sleep, the presence/absence of pillows, and whether sleeping stomach-down means your “ass is in the air.”
  • Pat: “Honestly, if it was up to me, I’d rather sleep on the floor than sleep on a bed.” (83:01)
  • Group debates whose “cheeks” are up or down in various sleeping postures—leads to a full-on roast.
  • Key: “If you sleep on your stomach, does your head touch the ground?” (84:09)
  • Mike: “Your ass still the highest thing.” (84:45)
  • Pat: “Ya’ll making it seem like I got a BBL.” (88:18)

12. Encounters with Homeless Scammers

• Detailing run-ins with a persistent Milwaukee “hotel scammer.”
  • Key: “So I drove down there and looked at every car, not a person in the car. This lil' scamming, I should have beat his ass.” (71:50)

13. Culture & Pop References

• Spirited discussion about men’s hairlines—Jaylen Brown’s notorious Beijing applications—and being bullied by “people with bad hairlines.”
  • Key: “Jalen Brown letting people with bad hairlines tell him he got a bad hairline. It’s like, bro, you don’t even need no Beijing, bro.” (68:26)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “The most disrespectful thing I ever did is I started playing the video, acted like I was scratching my nose, looking at it. I said, 'oh, word.'” — Key (01:59)
• “Women actually trip. Like they got a second tier of tripping.” — Key (03:36)
• “Once you shake up with somebody in the group, now you gotta shake up with everybody at the table.” — Mike (06:13)
• “You was just talking about a predicament where you shook the same hand three times…[so] now you got all this nasty shit on your hands.” — Pat (07:26)
• “You’re putting people’s feet in your mouth. People step on the floor.” — Mike (08:44)
• “The amount of Beijing he’s putting on – I don’t know if he sweats more than the average person, but…there’s a better way to do it than he’s doing it.” — Key (67:31)
• “If you sleep on your stomach, does your head actually touch the ground?” — Mike (84:09)
• “Y’all making it seem like I got a BBL!” — Pat (88:18)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:55 — Key’s story: Disrespect and buzzer beaters
• 06:13 — Awkward handshake rituals
• 11:09 — Driving distractions & close calls
• 12:30 — Telescopic contacts, imposter syndrome
• 15:36 — Would you trade trauma for a windfall?
• 19:28 — “Would you take a bullet for $500k?” debate
• 26:21 — Worst text: “I have a kid now…”
• 29:51 — Hostage story with an inspiring twist
• 33:55 — Listener gets caught by Bluetooth while “busy” at the sink
• 38:30 — Listener: Cheated on by nurse girlfriend, gets tattoo
• 46:54 — Changing romantic “types”
• 49:05 — The “going Hollywood”/ads grief segment
• 55:35 — Broke but still “looking rich”; perceptions vs reality
• 68:26 — Jalen Brown, hairlines, and social media
• 71:50 — Milwaukee scammer, street smarts
• 83:01–88:18 — Legendary: The “cheeks in the air” sleeping position debate
• 89:20 — Show wrap-up, live event promos, closing jokes

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Summary Tone & Style

The episode’s energy is raw and affectionately chaotic, loaded with roast culture, spontaneous jokes, and plenty of self-deprecation. The hosts bounce seamlessly between serious reflections (on trauma, relationships, forgiveness) and wild, boundary-pushing humor. Listener calls provide frank, surprising stories that inspire both laughs and genuine compassion. If you’ve ever laughed your way through life’s weirdest problems—or just want to eavesdrop on a room of friends who turn everything into a punchline—you’ll feel right at home.

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Perfect for listeners who enjoy:

• Unscripted, unpredictable banter
• Stories of real-life mishaps with a humorous bent
• Raw, friendly “barbershop” vibes
• Relationship “real talk” with spicy tangents

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Don’t miss the epic, minutes-long roast session on sleeping positions and “cheeks physics” (83:01-88:18) for a quintessential Crash Dummies signature segment.

Transcript

[Mike]

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[Pat]

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[Key]

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[Mike]

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[Dirty Dan]

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[Pat]

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[Dirty Dan]

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[Pat]

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[Key]

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[Pat]

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[Mike]

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[Pat]

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[Mike]

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[Pat]

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[Paige]

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[Mike]

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[Paige]

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[Key]

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[Paige]

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[Mike]

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[Key]

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[Key]

I started to have some reflection time, right? And I started thinking back to all the times that I might have been super disrespectful. And I just glanced over it and I can vaguely remember my ex girlfriend talking to me about something very important, something to do with her grandma who had just passed and Steph Curry had hit a buzzer beater at the site.

[Dirty Dan]

Oh.

[Key]

And it was like, that's.

[Pat]

That's crazy.

[Key]

And no. And I saw it and I literally. Because right when she started the conversation, I saw that it was only a couple seconds left, but I can see out of the corner of my eye on Twitter that he hit the shot. So the most disrespectful thing I ever did is I started playing the video and I started act like I was scratching my nose and looking at it. I said, oh, word.

[Mike]

Or if you're getting in an argument too, and then something like, like crazy happening. Especially like for me it would be like a boxing fight that's going on and like that. And you're in an argument, why this thing's on tv but you kind of still want to like peek over and yeah. You're not having conversations. Like n. That's not how it went. What the. No.

[Key]

Or you just like subconsciously do something that you would naturally do.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Key]

You know what I'm saying? Like there's been times I've been like in an argument with a woman and I just start like eating in front of her like, nobody ever said that. I never said that. You, like, cut this up.

[Pat]

Oh, that's what I'm saying.

[Key]

You just doing some. There was one time I did, like. I legit was having, like, a disagreement with someone I was dating while playing a game, and I was, like, getting snapped on by two people. They, like. I got my teammates lock in N Lock in. She was like, it's me or the game. And I just like, man, pass me the ball. I did it.

[Mike]

Or especially when you have to mute and shit like that. Cause you know when you talking to your girl, you got to mute and shit. And everybody's like, on me, on me, on me. Mike, where you at?

[Key]

Is that calling you Mike?

[Mike]

And I'm like, on my way and shit. And I got to, like, hold on. On my way. And then muted again.

[Key]

I used to. I used to. So I used to unplug my headphones instead of muting.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Key]

But then the start talking on the tv, you know what I'm saying? Oh, no. And then they get. Oh, he probably talking to. Probably talking to his girl.

[Mike]

You know, she be on his ass. He was just saying that. She be tripping, too.

[Pat]

That's the worst, bro. Women.

[Key]

Women actually trip. Like, they got a second tier of tripping where they don't give a whole.

[Mike]

Who is around. Yeah.

[Key]

Like, you could be like, whoa, I'm on the phone with my grandma.

[Pat]

I don't give a.

[Key]

About your grandma.

[Mike]

That's too far. That's too far. The friends probably about the grandma.

[Key]

She might not say grandma, but she. But no, but she talking to. She going to be like, I don't care who you talking to.

[Mike]

Like, now, if your girl says your grandma, you should. You.

[Pat]

You should break up with that. Fellas, fellas, fellas.

[Mike]

Hey, if your girl says your grandma, hey, the bar is hell.

[Pat]

That got to be the most up thing to do.

[Mike]

You stay in a relations. Hey, you know, it's good.

[Key]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Dirty Dan]

Grandpa. I don't know.

[Key]

You know, Grandpa, that's the best I ever had. I can't even come off of it like that.

[Dirty Dan]

Wow.

[Key]

Oh, you.

[Mike]

No, you didn't see.

[Key]

Oh, wait. Why you giving me a handshake?

[Mike]

Because you had a good joke.

[Key]

What type of is that? You know what's crazy, though?

[Mike]

I was like.

[Key]

When you. I wanted to give, man. I was like, nah, don't do that.

[Mike]

G. Reese, too.

[Key]

Why y' all giving me handshake?

[Mike]

Because you did that last time. To be honest, I said something funny last time, and you try to shake my hand, and somebody Said Pat really was trying Mike as a hoe because he was trying to.

[Key]

No, you left me hanging, though.

[Mike]

I did leave you hanging on accident, though, so I was trying to, like, return the favor.

[Key]

I never leave you hanging, bro. I'm just saying, like, on purpose, though. You've been seeing that dude on tick tock with his name Rich. His name Richie be with DDG and them. He got like, Baby Rich. Baby Rich. Shout out to Baby Rich. He got like, a whole. I don't know if he's doing that on purpose, but he got a whole tick tock of him, like, basically forcing people to shake his hand. Like, he's getting people's attention, like, aaa. And, like, I don't do that, but I feel like I shake way too many people's hands.

[Mike]

You do.

[Key]

And, like, that made me want to stop because it's like, why the am I shaking these? Like, somebody left your boxing event the other day, and I shook up with him three separate times, like, all right, I'll see you later, and stuff like that. Like, I don't got to talk to this person. I don't know why I be feeling bad. Like, damn, they looking at me right in my eyes. What's the hot work, man? Like, you ever give up? Like, you pulling up to maybe, like, a group of three dudes who you, like, vaguely know. You about to leave, you walking past him. You know what I'm saying?

[Pat]

And you.

[Key]

You know, you sound. You know, all right, then. And one of them reached for the handshake, but another two, like, and you leave the rest of the thing.

[Mike]

You just like.

[Key]

That's all I got.

[Mike]

That happened. I literally walked into a restaurant, and I saw, like, three, like, four dudes I knew or three dudes I knew, and it was like, the. Another one was at the table. So I was shaking up with everybody, like, what up? What up? But then once you shake up with somebody in the group, you know, now you got to shake up with everybody at the table.

[Pat]

That's just so weak, bro.

[Mike]

You have to with it.

[Pat]

I don't.

[Mike]

You just shake up with the person, you know, if.

[Pat]

If all three of y' all was at a table and it was seven other people I didn't know, I shake all your hand and be like, all right, y'.

[Mike]

All. But I'm alleged, though, because it was three people I knew, and so it was seven people at the table. It was three people I knew. So if it was just one person, I would have just gave everybody the boom. And, like, how y' all doing? This and that. But it was three of them, so I was already going in a circle. So it would have been some whole. If I stop.

[Key]

Oh, you have to. You have to skip over. Yeah. That's disrespectful. I don't know you.

[Pat]

That's not disrespectful.

[Dirty Dan]

Sk.

[Key]

No, that's not coming.

[Pat]

You don't have to what up to no more.

[Key]

You're a young y'. All don't be saying what up to it.

[Pat]

Older I got, bro. Older is more OC than young, bro when it comes to the respect. And you should and should not do. If it's three of y'.

[Key]

All.

[Pat]

And I know, bro, it's germs out here, bro. Kovia is still out here. I don't gotta shake these hands.

[Key]

But it's not.

[Pat]

You was just talking about a predicament where you shook the same hand three times. So that same could have just went to the bathroom the first time, did some coke the second time and did something else the third time, and now you got all this nasty. All this nasty shit on your hands. What are we doing?

[Mike]

Listen, ke Keke, I've seen you eat.

[Dirty Dan]

Ke.

[Mike]

I've seen you eat Cheetos off the floor.

[Pat]

What?

[Mike]

I've seen you eat Cheetos off the floor.

[Key]

On, God.

[Mike]

I've seen you eat. Don't talk to me.

[Pat]

I'm not going to lie. Not going to lie.

[Key]

I've literally seen you eat before.

[Mike]

Don't tell me.

[Key]

I've literally seen you eat with. With no napkins. Touch the mic. Put. Put the net. Put.

[Mike]

Go eat. Go back.

[Pat]

Hold on. But that's not the floor, though. We talking about the floor.

[Key]

You talking about where somebody talk at, bro?

[Pat]

No, no.

[Key]

I literally seen you on that mic.

[Pat]

I've never ate a Cheeto.

[Mike]

Do you know?

[Pat]

In front of y'.

[Key]

All.

[Pat]

In front of y'. All, in front of y'.

[Mike]

All.

[Pat]

I'm gonna be. I gotta be real in front of y'.

[Dirty Dan]

All.

[Pat]

I've never ate a Cheeto off in private. I've done it, but I'm not gonna lie and say I never did it.

[Mike]

So why you talking about germs then, bro?

[Pat]

If I don't know you, I don't know you.

[Key]

But that don't make.

[Pat]

That don't make no sense, bro. So y' all shaking random people. So if you going, whoa.

[Mike]

You're putting people's feet in your mouth. People step on the floor.

[Pat]

Whoa.

[Mike]

Sucking toes, bro.

[Pat]

You just reached, bro. That's the biggest reach in the world, bro. Like I said, you putting other people feet in your.

[Key]

That was a hell of a. I was confused, crazy. I looked up. I was like, bro, when do this nigga know that?

[Dirty Dan]

I don't.

[Pat]

That's what I'm trying. Like, what?

[Key]

I was like, huh?

[Mike]

We didn't even intro the pod.

[Key]

Oh, yeah.

[Mike]

Anyway, welcome to Crash W's episode 234. I made a mistake last time, so I put, like, a little voiceover over it. It was like, 2:34.

[Key]

That boy's so scared to make a mistake. Every time he make a mistake, I'm like, oh, he about to have a cameo at the big podcast. Yo, I'm sorry for the blurry podcast. It's on me.

[Mike]

Hey, man, I feel responsible for things sometimes. Sometimes I be tripping.

[Key]

Nah, I don't be tripp tripping. They'd be trying to blame me. I just cussed out at this dude because we. We posted a little late on Patreon one time, and I was like, I don't give a dog.

[Mike]

Oh. Anyway, welcome to crash dummies podcast 234. We got key in the building. We got Paige in the building as well. In the background. We got Gene in the building. Make sure you guys. Tickets are running low for the live show in Chicago, so make sure you guys purchase those. Link in the description.

[Key]

All y' all 18 year olds. We apologize, bro. Y' all just gonna. We. We got something for y', all, bro.

[Mike]

No, we don't.

[Key]

We starting 18U football team.

[Mike]

But key gonna be there. Page gonna be there. The whole crew's gonna be there. So we're gonna have exclusive merch there as well. Jenny probably should start working on that. So we're gonna. We're gonna have. We're gonna have exclusive tour merch there. Make sure you guys subscribe to Patreon. We just dropped an episode there as well, and even though we haven't shot it yet, we might do a listener only. It should be. Maybe it might be a listener only episode.

[Key]

Yeah, we don't know yet. It depends on. It depends on y'. All.

[Pat]

Right.

[Key]

Let'S get to tweet of the week.

[Mike]

All right.

[Key]

Tweet of the week. Y' all be riding them bikes in the street. Like, I don't gotta look up my next song. I'm not gonna lie. Like, sometimes I be telling myself, lock in.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Key]

Like, I be halfway out of a lane because I'm sending a text to my mom and just like, bro, this can wait.

[Mike]

Bro.

[Pat]

Bro.

[Mike]

I only take one, like, scary moment while I'M driving to, like, really lock in. I was making a left turn one time, and legit. Almost hit an old lady. And I'm locked in. I was so locked. I didn't. I didn't probably even touch my phone.

[Key]

The first time I got my car, I put it in sport mode. Legit. The first time I tried it, I'm like, I'm gonna get on sport mode. Literally revved the engine. Lady and her baby walk across.

[Mike]

And.

[Key]

She looked the same. Disgusted with me. She said in front of my newborn.

[Pat]

See, this is the wrong time to say it, but some people deserve to get hit, okay? Some people deserve to get hit by a car.

[Mike]

Hell, yeah.

[Pat]

Because you got some people who don't even look both ways. They just walk across the street.

[Key]

Do you think that should be the consequences? I'm getting hit by a car still?

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

At least close to it. If you.

[Pat]

If you don't care, that should be close. If you don't care. What's going. Bros, a ton of aluminum is coming your way, and you don't care about your life at that point. I'm telling you, bro, you. You all gotta think about it, bro.

[Key]

Oh. Oh. Fun fact. Fun fact, y'.

[Mike]

All.

[Key]

Okay, listen to this. Okay. Scientists have developed the first telescopic. Is it telescopic or telescopic? Telescopic. Okay. Scientists have developed the first telescopic contact lens. This lens is capable of zooming your vision up to three times, which means that you will now be able to see your penis.

[Mike]

Would you actually. If you had something like that, would you do it?

[Key]

What?

[Mike]

Like, if they had glasses that let you, like, magnify? Like. Like, say, like 100x.

[Key]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But. But, like, I guess you can do a lot with that information. Like, you'll be an elite spy, I.

[Mike]

Think I feel like you have it.

[Pat]

Everybody deeper than a spy. Like, you'll be spying on germs.

[Key]

No.

[Pat]

Okay, no, wait. Look, look. Y' all not thinking, bro.

[Key]

Yeah, not that way. Okay, so some girl put on her Facebook, she said, my throat hurt, but my baby got uniform clothes. She said, basically saying, my throat might hurt, but my baby got uniform clothes. What you do if you. But I'm having. What they call it, like, when you don't believe in yourself. Withdrawal imposter syndrome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Having imposter syndrome. Because I. I recently came up with an assumption that Mike might be a CIA agent. Because, like, sometimes, like, when I'm talking about, like, a. A lyric or a black movie, Mike don't know what I'm talking about. But the next time I talked to him about it, he know more about the information. Just one time, I literally was like, yo, Mike, remember that part of the movie? He was like, I never seen that movie. And then next time we talked about that movie, he knew the whole movie, bro.

[Pat]

Bro.

[Key]

So he going home and studying, which means that the podcast is not really that successful. This is a CIA agent. That's the only obvious thing. And I'm just a pawn.

[Mike]

I'm just bad with titles, bro.

[Dirty Dan]

Bro.

[Mike]

It just takes me a little bit to kind of know it. Like, I know that I know the movie, but I just don't know the title.

[Key]

That is an Asian look at that as.

[Mike]

So I'll go back and maybe I'll Google it and I'll be like, ah, okay, now I remember all. It starts coming back to you.

[Key]

You try to get the heat off you blaming the cte, man. D. We not even that good, bro. Mike just got connect. Say it. Give us 100,000 this week. All right. The lady that. You seen that story in Chicago?

[Mike]

Which one?

[Key]

The lady and her daughter or son got jumped by a bunch of kids in Chicago. You seen that? It was like, it was like a big story. And she's been. I feel like she got over like two or three hundred thousand dollars now. New apartment. New apartment, people reaching out to her and stuff like that. Got the kids in a good school. Yeah, yeah. So, like, not to say, obviously, that's traumatizing. That shouldn't happen to nobody. Yeah, but I feel like if you told somebody that, hey, you got to go through something traumatic and all of this stuff is on the other side of it. I feel like people would be more willing to go do that.

[Pat]

Everybody.

[Key]

You know what I'm saying?

[Mike]

Like, let's.

[Key]

Let's say I get jumped and beat, like half to death, like right outside by the dumpster, and then I recover six months later, and then I just gotta like hop right back on a podcast and continue my life. But let's say, like I get jumped, it turns to a national story, and now I'm a millionaire because everybody reaching out to me, giving me money. Like, here, now I'm a millionaire. Right.

[Pat]

You wouldn't be embarrassed though? Like, you wouldn't feel like.

[Key]

Hell no.

[Pat]

You wouldn't feel like. That's all you known for is the dude who got beat up by seven kids.

[Key]

I would literally turn into like an anti bullying speech person. Yeah, they'll pay you to go. You standing up to bullies. I stood up to bully well, what was hers?

[Mike]

What was her silver.

[Key]

Oh, okay. I mean she got all that money.

[Mike]

Well, I didn't, I didn't know.

[Key]

200, 200, 3,000. Her and her kids were walking home from school and her kids were getting bullied at school. All the kids from the school were like following them on their walk home.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Key]

And they also started bullying the mom, like commenting on like their appearance, you know, stuff like that. And then they started to physically assault the mom and the kids.

[Mike]

So who the mom sue?

[Key]

She didn't sue nobody. Yeah, the parents of the community. Like she can't go fund me money like stuff like that because like, bro, if you saw that, like that it was bad.

[Mike]

That is not it sound. It sounds better.

[Key]

Oh, that's like though I'm talking about like you see people. I saw people talking about at first and I clicked on a video and I'm like, bro, what the. Like, who has the heart to do some like that? Even as like some little kids, multiple little kids. It's like if I watch a video of a 12 year old punching an old lady, I'd be like, that kid is bad. And not to say I wouldn't feel as bad, but to watch a group of kids do this and it's just like all y' all did. No adults around.

[Mike]

I feel like that's the one thing I'm going to try to like ingrained into my kids like brain is like kindness, like just at the, at the forefront of things. Just kindness and respect. Yeah, that's the main thing like out of anything, like just be a good person. Because I'm not saying obviously they're kids and stuff like that. I don't know how old they were in that thing, but like in no time of my growing up I ever feel like the need to, especially somebody's parent. Like that's like, that's, you know, you've probably been involved in some jumpings or Ben jumping, stuff like that. That's like the. You just like that's just growing up but like parents involved and just taking advantage of people. That shit. It's eerie even just listening to it.

[Pat]

But do you think that if she like, if they would have got their ass beat back, she would have still got reached out to like if she.

[Mike]

Defended, they would have won.

[Key]

If they would have won. No, it would just be another like street fight on Twitter.

[Pat]

That's just weak.

[Mike]

They would have got just weak.

[Key]

But you. It don't look like she was trying to, to me trying to cover up her baby.

[Mike]

Yeah, she Was okay.

[Pat]

But that's what I'm saying is like, if she would have beat they ass, it wouldn't have got the same attention. And she wouldn't have, like, definitely some.

[Mike]

Attention, but she wouldn't have got the, like, the remorse. Yeah.

[Pat]

The remorse for it.

[Key]

Yeah. You know, I, you know now like, usually when Key be saying like his examples like that, I used to be like, that's. That's too wild, Key. But after seeing what is said today on the Joe Budden podcast. You seen that?

[Pat]

No.

[Key]

He was basically saying that the, the sex offender list, the people with the red dots.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Key]

Like telling where those people at. That's being a Karen. And he was comparing it.

[Mike]

What the.

[Pat]

I've never said nothing like that.

[Key]

No. Ish. From Joe Button podcast. And he, he was like comparing it to like, he was like, y' all don't do that to the drug dealers.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Key]

And that Mark Lamont was like, yeah. Cause I don't care if my neighbor's selling weed, but I care if my neighbor want to.

[Pat]

My kids like that crazy.

[Key]

It's so stupid, bro. So you're not that wild. But the tweet was the lady that got jumped by them kids raised over $200,000 in a new house. Somebody send y' all kids to tear my ass up. I'm in McDonald's on Washington Road right now. That's what I'm saying. Like, if you knew the outcome was traumatic.

[Mike]

Yeah, I'm. I'm definitely.

[Key]

Like, if somebody told you Genu getting shot in the shoulder tomorrow. You like, like, no.

[Mike]

What money would make that worth it?

[Key]

Shot in the shoulder?

[Mike]

How much money would you get? Let somebody shoot you in the shoulder for 500k.

[Key]

500 kids. It's only take 100k to get that going.

[Pat]

But what about the long term effects, though?

[Key]

Long term effect?

[Pat]

Like if you get shot in your shoulder, your shoulder might never move again.

[Key]

What about his long term effect of being in the dirt? How about that?

[Pat]

I'm just saying.

[Mike]

Is there people still die from gunshot shoulders too?

[Key]

But I'm just saying, like recover. Let's say, like I do recovery. Let's say it's like a year. You talking about if I die, like whoever died from getting shot in the shoulder?

[Mike]

People have, I've done that. Just excessive bleeding. But I'm just saying, bro. So I'm saying in general.

[Pat]

In general.

[Mike]

Would you let somebody shoot you in the shoulder? But like there's. You're just relying on your own, whatever your own will to make sure that you survive. And like, hospital, whatever, Would you still do it for 500,000? It's not like a for sure I'm going to survive thing.

[Key]

No, no, no.

[Mike]

I'm just saying, taking the time.

[Key]

I get what you're saying. You said 500k for my life.

[Pat]

That's what you just said.

[Key]

I'm backing out the question. You ever heard somebody change their mind? You can't agree with me. I know I'm right, but you can't agree with me.

[Mike]

No, no, no, you're right too, because people do get chastised for change of mind. I think what people go wrong is when you're so far on saying that you're correct.

[Pat]

Right?

[Mike]

It matters when you change your mind.

[Key]

Oh, you want to be like, ah, you want to get them celebration? No, I'm saying you got to celebrate, nigga.

[Mike]

No, say if you had an opinion on something, right? Like they say that macho over there that King got. And I was like, oh, that's green, right? And you were like, adamant, like, y' all stupid as that shit.

[Dirty Dan]

Yellow.

[Mike]

Y' all dumb as. Y' all don't know y' all colors. And then somebody else said, oh, that's green, Pat. And then you like, oh, okay, key. Then we then deserve to. To harp on you a lot more than if it was just like, oh, no. I just think it's cuz you just.

[Pat]

Made us look stupid.

[Key]

But I'm thinking. But, you know, I'm thinking movie shot in the shoulder. You going like, technicalities, like, how many.

[Pat]

Died in the shoulder?

[Mike]

I'm not talking technicality. I'm just saying with just no guarantee.

[Pat]

Hold on, Mike. Tyrese Gibson. I gotta cook him. Tyrese Gibson died from a shoulder shot.

[Key]

And what movie?

[Pat]

Transformers.

[Key]

I'm not gonna lie. I've never seen. Seen a Transformer movie.

[Pat]

You never seen.

[Key]

He was a army man, right?

[Pat]

Yeah, he was an army man.

[Mike]

He got.

[Key]

He died. I don't. I don't know why that's so funny.

[Pat]

This is random, bro.

[Key]

Why did Tyrese die a transform?

[Pat]

They said he was. They was trying to bring him back for this new one, so. So I don't know how they going to bring a dead back.

[Mike]

Did he really die?

[Pat]

Did he die in Transformers? Yeah. Or was it the white dude that I'm pretty sure Tyres.

[Mike]

They got that like, Coney, did he die?

[Key]

The Bray on die? He's a Coney Trans.

[Mike]

Did Tyrese Gibson die?

[Key]

No, Tyrese Gibson did not die in Transformers.

[Pat]

That's not canon, bro.

[Key]

What? What are you talking about?

[Pat]

That's not true.

[Key]

It literally, it's right here. It's the first scene that pop up.

[Pat]

Or it must have been the white dude. Then somebody died, bro.

[Key]

All right, so for all y' all NFL fans out there, you know that the season is getting thick. You know every game is starting to count. And I've been looking to find the best deals on Lions and Packers and Viking tickets anybody in NFC North. I'm trying to get to those games because that's what it's coming down to. Which is why I want to give the sponsor of today's video, SeatGeek, a huge shout out. With over 35 million downloads, SeatGeek is the number one rated ticketing app. There are more than 70, 000 events listed on SeatGeek including concerts, sports festivals and more. The NFL and college football are in full swing and obviously, you know, the NBA is back. So that's how we rocking. See, I told y'.

[Mike]

All.

[Key]

Look at this. Green dots only. I'm not touching nothing. Red green dots only.

[Mike]

Make sure you click the link in the description to download the app and have the code automatically added to your account so you can use it later. Thank you, Sea Geek. Now back to the pod.

[Key]

I'm not going to lie. My mornings are very chaotic. I wake up late sometime. I'm looking for my keys and then I take a long look at the clock and I realize 20 minutes have passed and I'm already running late. He helps me stay on the go and make sure I get everything I need.

[Mike]

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[Key]

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[Mike]

That's somebody that trains boxing a lot. Is really important for me to hit my protein goals and you'll definitely helps with that.

[Key]

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[Mike]

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[Key]

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[Dirty Dan]

Yo, yo. What's going on?

[Key]

What's up?

[Dirty Dan]

Not much.

[Key]

Okay.

[Pat]

All right.

[Mike]

I got a question for you, brother. What's up? What's the worst text message you ever got?

[Dirty Dan]

This girl I was messing with, she hit me up, like, a year later. Talking my son. I have a kid now, and I was scared because, you know, it's a year later, Shoddy already had the kid, and now she's trying to find her baby daddy. I'm like, bro, what happened to the nine months while you were pregnant and you didn't tell nobody? Why are you trying to find your baby daddy once you had the kid? I was ready to leave the country, bro. Like, I was, like, ready to move to Thailand.

[Key]

How old are you?

[Dirty Dan]

Well, at the time, I was 24.

[Key]

Oh, so you and it was a little one. What was the result? What was the results?

[Dirty Dan]

Oh, she said she thinks it's not mine. That's all I needed. I blocked her on everything.

[Mike]

Oh, you're so weird, bro.

[Key]

So why would you let the possibility of your son being out there, like, not register with you to, like, go actually find out?

[Dirty Dan]

Because you know why? Because she waited until she had the kid to find out who her baby daddy is. Not while she was pregnant. I don't have time to prepare now. She got a five. Are you insane, bro? No. What do you mean? Imagine a girl from your past just comes up out of nowhere talking about something. Oh, this is your kid.

[Key]

I mean, imagine. Imagine a whole ass calling into a podcast. Anything's possible, brother, but you wouldn't want to know, though.

[Dirty Dan]

Oh, yeah, bruh. She. She told me it's not mine. That's all the conversation I needed.

[Mike]

I feel like the. The moment you have unprotected sex, you should expect she should be prepared for anything.

[Dirty Dan]

Look, man, I. I was prepared, but I wasn't prepared a year later. Like, you know, it usually takes, like.

[Mike]

Nine months for a kid to be born, too.

[Key]

Where are you from?

[Dirty Dan]

Are from New York, but it does take nine months. That's what I'm saying. She waited until she had the kid to find out who her baby daddy is.

[Key]

Sound like he from New Door, New York. Newark, New York.

[Dirty Dan]

Hey, you know, pal, we got a word for you, Pat. You. You a top glazer, man. You call my phone and you glazing me, bro.

[Key]

You. Why don't you go. Why. Why don't you go find out where your son is? Why are you running from the results?

[Dirty Dan]

He's probably with his stepdaddy. Who knows?

[Key]

That's how you rolling, bro.

[Mike]

That don't. That don't bother you?

[Dirty Dan]

I sleep peacefully every night, I promise.

[Key]

No, you not, bro.

[Mike]

All right, man. Have a good one.

[Dirty Dan]

Yo. Hello?

[Mike]

Hello?

[Key]

God damn.

[Dirty Dan]

Hello?

[Mike]

Hello?

[Dirty Dan]

What you saying?

[Key]

Goddamn for loud as hell. I'm just being real.

[Dirty Dan]

I'm not even being wild. I said hello.

[Key]

No, I said, wow, I think Pat.

[Mike]

Is sexist a little bit, because every time a girl get on the phone.

[Dirty Dan]

You just came on a little aggressive. Hold on. Let's hold it down on this Sunday.

[Pat]

Dog.

[Key]

I love the ladies, but y' all be getting on this motherfucker screaming.

[Dirty Dan]

All I said was, hello. I'm not even screaming.

[Key]

Not just trying to. You know what I'm saying? I'm just trying to make sure, you know, ease attention a little bit, make sure you're not nervous, but obviously not. You're screaming and all, right?

[Dirty Dan]

Oh, I'm not nervous. What's it to be nervous about?

[Key]

I got a question for you. You know, I with her, though. She could tell. Okay, I got a question for you. Name something bad that happened, but you're actually happy about it.

[Dirty Dan]

Okay. I got held at gunpoint and hostage. Oh, I got held hostage at gunpoint like, a couple years ago. Well, more than a couple years ago. But I feel like if it would have never happened, I'd have still been in that, like, messed up situation, and I would have never, like, really elevated my life for myself and my kids.

[Mike]

Oh, fire.

[Key]

Why they hold you up at gunpoint?

[Dirty Dan]

Because I didn't want to be in a relationship with them no more. Mind you, they had a girlfriend, and she was pregnant.

[Mike]

What?

[Dirty Dan]

Her second baby.

[Key]

Selfish as hell, you say, man?

[Dirty Dan]

Tell me you wanted your cake and eated it, too. Like, let me live, bro.

[Mike]

You said day a guy.

[Dirty Dan]

Yeah, it was a guy. Yeah. Why would he be a girl?

[Key]

I mean, it could be.

[Mike]

So I was like, I don't know.

[Dirty Dan]

Yeah, no. Oh, I forgot. The world we live in. Everybody, you know, they're podcast.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Dirty Dan]

No, no, like, there was no. Like. No, it was. It was a male. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Key]

Okay. That's all. I mean, yeah, you're trying to.

[Mike]

So it was just like a really, like, toxic. It was just a really toxic relationship.

[Dirty Dan]

Like, it wasn't at first, right? Like, of course this person was older than me, whatever. So it wasn't. And then he cheated, and I was like, yeah, no, I'm good. I'm good. I'm good to go. And it was like, no, you're not leaving. And I'm like, I'm gonna leave like, you're about to have a baby.

[Key]

He up pipe is crazy. That's so crazy.

[Mike]

Did you report him to a police?

[Dirty Dan]

He did go to jail because he didn't just hold me hostage. He held someone in my family hostage as well.

[Mike]

Oh, good.

[Key]

Get him out of there. Yeah, so if you. If you need us to write a letter to the judge, we'll get him some more years for you. Got you.

[Dirty Dan]

Oh, he just. Actually just got out of jail.

[Key]

Oh.

[Dirty Dan]

But I'm not tripping, you know, like, my. So what I say is, like, your question was, you know, why am I happy about it? Because I was able to raise my child stress free.

[Key]

That's good, though. So it's a blessing I didn't have to worry about.

[Dirty Dan]

Yeah, for sure.

[Key]

So sad you went through that. Did he ever pull a gun on anybody else?

[Dirty Dan]

No, just me.

[Key]

Oh, ass. That's how I be saying crazy.

[Dirty Dan]

You're a bro. You can't pull a gun to a guy. You got to pull it to a girl.

[Key]

That's what I'm saying. Try that on Mike or something, man.

[Dirty Dan]

Why you didn't try it, like, on.

[Key]

Like, you know, on Mike from Crash of his podcast or something? Like, dude, do something tough, man. Like, did it even have.

[Dirty Dan]

You know, did it have bullets in it?

[Pat]

Like.

[Key]

Don'T want to prove they tough and just do something to Mike or something.

[Mike]

Like, bro, why me? Why me?

[Dirty Dan]

Because, you know, you a little bit huff over there, so, you know, you don't look like you don't want no problems.

[Key]

Yeah, exactly.

[Mike]

I don't want no problems. I appreciate. Think I'm glad that you got out that situation, though.

[Dirty Dan]

Yeah, for sure. For sure. And I love your guys's pod, too. Like, that keeps me going through work. Like, we love you.

[Key]

We love you.

[Dirty Dan]

Yeah, thanks. I appreciate it.

[Key]

Gene said he love you too. Love you too.

[Dirty Dan]

The love is real. Thank you.

[Key]

Yo, welcome to Crash on his podcast. What's good?

[Dirty Dan]

Thanks for having me.

[Key]

Thanks for having me. I'm Dirty Dan. All right. I got a question for you, bro. All right, Name Something bad that happened. But you're actually happy about it?

[Dirty Dan]

Well, I. I got caught beating my meat, but only because my phone was connected to the Bluetooth. Now it really. It really wasn't even my fault. It really wasn't even my fault. Like, I was just in the mood and I didn't know it was still connected. I was. I was doing the dishes. I didn't know it was still connected. I was doing the dishes, listening to music.

[Mike]

I didn't know you got horny doing dishes.

[Key]

That boy pansexual.

[Dirty Dan]

It's not like that.

[Key]

It's not like that. Said, man, these pants getting clean as. And like what, letting the suds hit his chest and.

[Mike]

All right. Oh, my gosh.

[Key]

Horny ass.

[Mike]

Okay, why are you happy that you. Why are you happy that this happened?

[Dirty Dan]

All right. But yeah, that. That's the thing. I. I was on here may couple months ago, maybe a year now. Okay. All right. I got caught looking down the mansion's.

[Key]

Fast, but caught looking like at a.

[Mike]

What?

[Key]

Oh, I remember him.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Key]

Oh, this is freaked out ass.

[Mike]

It makes sense.

[Dirty Dan]

Yeah.

[Mike]

So why are you happy about it, though?

[Dirty Dan]

I mean, it was my dad who caught me, so I'm just like, glad he just don't think I'm gay now.

[Key]

Oh, what was it? He caught you. So what? So what audio did he hear?

[Dirty Dan]

Oh, it was. Oh, they was going. It was some hardcore. And it just wasn't. He wasn't even inside to hear it. It was my little sister who heard it on the mic.

[Key]

Is so weird. You're so weird, bro.

[Mike]

You're so weird.

[Dirty Dan]

It wasn't. It wasn't.

[Mike]

So what. When did it dawn on you? Like, hey, there's no audio on what I'm playing right now. Before, like, how long were you playing the actual video?

[Dirty Dan]

I mean, I was watching it. I was like, damn. I guess they just doing this in the south. But yeah, I kept trying to turn it up. I was like, okay. All right. And then I heard the door slam and my name called and I heard.

[Key]

He was playing in the car. He was watching the car.

[Mike]

This was real horny. Yeah.

[Key]

That was watching some bdsm.

[Mike]

Yeah. Doing that with your parents at home too.

[Dirty Dan]

He. That's the thing. He was outside. He was outside doing whatever he does.

[Key]

What time was it?

[Dirty Dan]

Like lunchtime.

[Key]

That boy, God damn. Beating this meat midday. Got a problem?

[Mike]

Oh, man. All right, bro.

[Dirty Dan]

All right. But I'm not gay. I'm not gay, though.

[Key]

It's okay, bro. You don't even have to announce your sexuality on the show, bro. Nobody asked you for that.

[Dirty Dan]

I just feel like I just want to just clear the air.

[Mike]

I don't think anybody was won if.

[Key]

You said one more time. Yeah, if you say it one more time, we're gonna think otherwise, though.

[Dirty Dan]

I'm just making sure that there's just no confusion.

[Key]

No confusion about what?

[Dirty Dan]

That. Okay, there it is.

[Mike]

Hope you live your truth, man. Yeah.

[Key]

That's three of them, brother. That's the wish. Come on out.

[Dirty Dan]

All right.

[Mike]

Come.

[Dirty Dan]

Come.

[Mike]

Get out there, little buddy.

[Key]

What are you doing in there?

[Mike]

Yo.

[Dirty Dan]

Hello.

[Key]

Yo, what's the deal?

[Dirty Dan]

How y' all doing today?

[Key]

Good.

[Mike]

Good. Yourself?

[Dirty Dan]

Good. God bless. You know, Mike, good fight last night.

[Mike]

Thank you. Thank you. I got a question. I got a question for you.

[Dirty Dan]

What's the question?

[Mike]

What's the worst text message you ever got?

[Dirty Dan]

So this was about six months ago. I know. I got this girl for two years. We met when I got hit by a car. She was my nurse, so we met there. We have been dating for two years now. But she's going back to school because she wants to change her profession, and she. So I help her move into her dorm. It's about four hours away. I'm like, she'll be fine. She'll be loyal. Not even two days later, I get sent a video her back. Shots in the mirror traumatized me.

[Mike]

Why they send it to you? And who sent.

[Dirty Dan]

Was the dude on her phone sent it to me. I said she's. Because I called her and she said she's busy and sent me that.

[Key]

Well, she ain't lie.

[Dirty Dan]

What happened? I couldn't hear you.

[Key]

I said, she ain't lying. I guess she was.

[Mike]

She.

[Key]

You know, she was busy.

[Dirty Dan]

She definitely was busy. It was. I got her name tattooed on me. Had two weeks before that, too. I just got it removed yesterday. That's got the scar.

[Pat]

Damn.

[Key]

How you feeling, bro?

[Dirty Dan]

I mean, it sucks, like, but it's all God's plan, you know? God will find a better option for me.

[Key]

Absolutely. I don't think God is this one, bro.

[Dirty Dan]

Nah, God definitely me over this time, but.

[Key]

No, no, no, no.

[Dirty Dan]

Didn't you say you want to punch God, though? Do you say would punch God?

[Key]

Whoa, whoa. Get him out the phone.

[Paige]

What's up?

[Key]

What's up? What's up? Quiet. See, it's not all the women. Some people just be calling this screaming Mike trying to call me sexist because.

[Mike]

He'S saying I'm Tate.

[Key]

Well, stop saying that, bro. Before that stick spam some pills in the chat. Y.

[Dirty Dan]

All right.

[Key]

I got a question for you.

[Dirty Dan]

All right.

[Key]

Name something bad that happened, but you're happy it happened Happen.

[Paige]

Oh, yeah. So this actually happened to me twice. But when my man got sentenced.

[Key]

Trying to do the bad that happened. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, how long he get sentenced for?

[Paige]

Okay, so the first time, it h. So it's two different dudes, but my first boyfriend, he got sentenced for five years. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I could say I did used to have a type, but we on to betterment. We onto betterment now.

[Key]

She talking about now. Now we only doing probation. Wait, so the first dude. So what happened to the first dude?

[Paige]

Okay, first dude got sentenced five years for strong arm robbery.

[Key]

Strong arm robbery?

[Paige]

Yeah, we were, like, fresh out of high school, doing dumb.

[Key]

It's a strong robbery. Is like, there's no weapons involved. He was just stronger than the person he took it from. He got five years?

[Paige]

Yeah, because they had hit, like, quite.

[Key]

A few houses and then. So, like, how did you run into the second dude?

[Paige]

Okay, the second dude was, like, years later, and, you know, he, like, live on me. I thought he was cool and all. Then, like, a year into, I found out he was dealing, and then he's dumb. He'd be like. Well, he was, like, trying to rob. Literally, by Mart was Buy Mart. Do y' all know what that is? Buy Mart's like, grocery store. Yeah, yeah, it's like a grocery store. They have, like, a little bit everything.

[Key]

You want to be knowledgeable about.

[Dirty Dan]

What?

[Mike]

In the South? It has to be. It would have to be in the South.

[Key]

Please tell me he wrong. Please, please.

[Paige]

He is wrong.

[Dirty Dan]

I'm in the Pacific Northwest.

[Mike]

Where?

[Key]

Pacific Northwest.

[Mike]

There's a bite mark somewhere.

[Paige]

I'm in Portland.

[Key]

Portland. She's just chill Again, closer and closer to your address. You good?

[Paige]

I mean, I don't care. They can't hear this.

[Dirty Dan]

I don't really care.

[Key]

Okay, okay, so what he.

[Mike]

He went to. How many years did he get?

[Paige]

Okay, so he had. Went to jail for the night they let him out, and then they, like, dropped the charges. And that was a couple years ago. And then I. They had dropped the charges because it was, like, technical issues on their end. And then two years later, they reinstated the charges and put a warrant out for his arrest. And then he got a year, and that was just in, like, last month.

[Key]

So you break. So you break up with them when they go to jail? The relationship's over?

[Dirty Dan]

No.

[Paige]

Okay, so the first. The first dude, I held him down for five years. And like five years. No, because he was dying so he got extra time. So I was, I held him down for five years of his time that he had DID and then I think I broke up with him probably like nine months before he came home.

[Mike]

Oh damn. What was the reason?

[Paige]

Yeah, but he was a dog.

[Dirty Dan]

He was a dog.

[Paige]

He was cheating on me. Talking to other.

[Key]

Yeah, like I thought he's about injured.

[Paige]

Yeah. Because he was out in California. So like you got signing, like you gotta send them like the validation for them to be approved to be a visitor. So you did that with all them.

[Dirty Dan]

To go see you, right?

[Paige]

Come on now.

[Key]

He putting in overtime in there and then so you know. So was he telling you not to come on certain visits?

[Paige]

Yeah, he used to tell me that his mom was going to see him.

[Key]

He probably calling her mommy.

[Mike]

So five years. Like you have any other relationship with any other guy?

[Paige]

No, I was solid. And then I found all that out and then like towards the end I cheated on him because I didn't feel bad no more. But then after I had cheated on him, I was like, yeah, this is stupid. So I'm going to just break up with him.

[Mike]

Interesting.

[Paige]

Okay, like why am I holding you down? And I feel like I gotta go cheat.

[Key]

What about the river? I don't believe me.

[Mike]

No, no, I'm not saying that.

[Key]

Hey, I'm. I know you're lying but I really don't care. But going on to the dude with the, the at the year, how long did you hold him down?

[Paige]

Oh no, I broke up with him. He was a bum anyways. So it was just like his time was coming to an end anyways and then that just solidified it.

[Mike]

So what do you, what do you think is the reason you like into guys like that? Like what was their type of guys you're into?

[Paige]

Like like okay, so I used to be into like you know, the little bad boys, light skinned stupid. But now I'm into a hard working blue collar man.

[Key]

I'm gonna tell you by the way you just said that you still, you still. She said, she said a bad, bad boy that know how to talk to me. But now I'm into a hard working man. I swear to try to convince her.

[Paige]

No, like you got to have requirements now to date me.

[Mike]

Okay, what are the requirements? Finally.

[Paige]

Okay, you gotta, it's so sad. It really is. But you gotta have a job that.

[Key]

You do help for a while. Not a seasonable babe.

[Paige]

You gotta pay your bills.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Key]

2.9 million.

[Paige]

You can't be living with mom and dad.

[Key]

Okay. 2.5 million.

[Paige]

I used to be like, you can't have kids because I don't want to deal with the, you know, baby mama. But I'm. I'm kind of, like, trying to be open to people having kids now or to men having kids. And then I'm not paying for no date, if you ask me, because I've had that happen a couple of times.

[Mike]

That's actually.

[Paige]

I've been asked out on a date, and we. And we get there, and then they're all of a sudden looking for their wallet. They can't find it, and then I end up paying.

[Key]

I've never heard of that before. Is that a real thing?

[Paige]

Yes. The men out here.

[Key]

You ever been, Paige? You ever been on a date and the guy made you pay? That's what I'm saying. I've never heard of that. Like, who?

[Mike]

Especially if you ask to go try to take us out.

[Paige]

Yeah.

[Key]

Yeah.

[Paige]

Oh, you want to go to the bar, and then I'll go to the bar, and then I end up buying all the drinks.

[Key]

That's so crazy. It's some dude, and then y' all still be sticking around, you know what I'm saying? And then he go to jail.

[Mike]

So what's your dating life. What's your life been now, then? Stuck around.

[Paige]

I am talking to a blue collar man right now, and he got kids, and it's.

[Mike]

And it's going good.

[Key]

She. Those are. No, wait. These are literally the two things that she said that she really wasn't attracted to. If you think about it. Because she brought up the kids for no reason. Because if. Because she said that the kids thing don't matter. But why you bring it up then? So it really do matter. And then the way she said blue collar. So you literally dating a dude you don't want. Why are you wasting a nigga time?

[Paige]

No, I'm not saying I don't want him. I. I'm. I'm trying to, you know, change my type. I think I'm trying to find a good man. I can't go back to the men in the streets.

[Key]

But you every. But every time you supposed to be talking about the dude that you like, you keep talking about what you can't go back to. I feel like you. I feel like you don't like this dude.

[Pat]

For real.

[Paige]

Okay, so it's long distance, and I haven't met him in person.

[Mike]

Okay, so it's just the beginning stages. Okay.

[Paige]

Yeah. Like, we've been talking, like, two months.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Key]

How Many kids he got?

[Paige]

He got two.

[Key]

How many? How old are you?

[Paige]

I'm 27.

[Key]

Man, stop playing on my phone like that. You don't go find.

[Paige]

I got a kid, too.

[Key]

I got a kid, too. Okay, this makes sense. Okay, we back in the game.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Good.

[Key]

Okay.

[Paige]

Yeah.

[Key]

So we love a baby.

[Paige]

I was anti kids because. Yeah, I was anti kids because I know the how baby daddies can be.

[Key]

Yeah.

[Paige]

But then my aunt, she was like, I think you should give men with kids a try because they really got their shit together, unlike the guys you've been choosing. So I'm trying.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Key]

It could go either way. You know what I'm saying? Mike got his shit together. He ain't got no kids.

[Paige]

Yeah, I mean, I do believe that there's good men out there without kids. Kids, they're just not here.

[Key]

And my cousin got, like, five kids. He ain't got his together, so you might be baby girl. I don't know.

[Mike]

All right, you have a good one.

[Paige]

All right, bye.

[Mike]

All right, bye.

[Key]

This baby mama do everything. Yo, chill, bro. We giving Paige her birthday present.

[Dirty Dan]

Hey, man, Come on, man.

[Key]

Come on, man. We're wasting your time or something. What the.

[Mike]

Yo, welcome to Grass.

[Key]

No, no, Mike, don't be nice to this. He got an attitude. He was mad. He was mad because you got up. He said that?

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Key]

He got ma ask this the question so we could be done with this stupid ass.

[Dirty Dan]

I know that ain't Mike talking, but I already got a.

[Key]

Start with Mike.

[Mike]

What's your problem with me, though? Real talk, man.

[Dirty Dan]

Y' all just went Hollywood, bro. I've been watching y' all for a minute, man. Y' all didn't wear Hollywood on everybody. Every time I listen to the pod now, y' all got all these ads and popping up.

[Key]

Go back to the old days.

[Paige]

The podcast.

[Dirty Dan]

Just get to playing, bro. We got.

[Mike]

We got the bills to pay, bro. You want us to get paid?

[Key]

No, I feel y' all got it already.

[Dirty Dan]

I'm watching y', all, bro. Y' all got Marco Summers on the podcast. Now y' all got the. Y' all don't need all our ads. Patreon going. I want to know what's going on in the Patreon. Why can't everybody listen to the patreon? Y' all charging an extra. Y' all charging extra $6 to whisper in their ear, what the hell?

[Mike]

Going.

[Key]

No, we crabs in a barrel.

[Dirty Dan]

Oh, no, man. It's freak going on. Y' all gotta. Only fans whispering and people.

[Mike]

This thing is heated.

[Key]

Nah, he Fits, bro.

[Mike]

We just trying to get paid so you can just full time, bro. You got support.

[Dirty Dan]

I'm supporting. I'll be supporting y' all for a minute right here, y'.

[Key]

All.

[Mike]

Here you go.

[Pat]

Bam.

[Key]

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[Mike]

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[Key]

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[Mike]

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[Key]

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[Mike]

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[Mike]

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[Key]

What's good? You got that. That loud ass blinker you got on?

[Mike]

Man, my was loud as hell. What's the worst text message you ever got?

[Dirty Dan]

Oh, man, this chick text me and said I need to take a DNA test.

[Mike]

Did you take it?

[Dirty Dan]

No, the baby's not even here yet. But it was like a one time thing. I just, you know. But she texted me like she needed. She needed me to take a DNA test and send her $50 because I was trying to hit her again. So I sent her the 50 bucks and she sent me the address and she sent me a fake address. So I was like, damn, why you do that? She never texted me back. Then a couple days later she was like, hey, yeah, you need to take a DNA test. And I was like, get my $50 back. And she was like, that was my boyfriend. She was like, he went through my phone and he saw that I was messing with you. I was like, I didn't even know you had a boyfriend. She was like, yeah, he wants you to take a DNA test, But, but check it out though. I was like, okay, I know he's probably over your shoulder right now. So I, I mean, I made her feel bad. I said, I know it ain't my kid because I mean, I nut in your mouth, so it's not my kid. And so, I mean, I guess she got in trouble.

[Pat]

Whatever.

[Dirty Dan]

She left me long for about two weeks and then she kept hitting me up again. Until just recently, I told her I was going to find harassment. So she probably.

[Key]

But like, you think they just trying to scam you or you think that you should take a DNA test?

[Dirty Dan]

I'm not taking a DNA test because I don't think it's mine because I really didn't hunt in her and I don't want to baby with her. She got. She got two baby daddies, man. She like 23.

[Key]

He said, because I don't want a baby with her, I'm not taking a DNA test. Man. These New is crazy.

[Dirty Dan]

But the timeline don't match up either.

[Key]

So why not just take a DNA test?

[Dirty Dan]

The baby ain't even here. Don't you gotta wait for the baby to be here?

[Mike]

No, I don't think so.

[Key]

Yeah.

[Dirty Dan]

Oh, damn. I'm about to move, actually.

[Key]

Hey, just. Hey, what type of milk you getting, bro?

[Dirty Dan]

I gotta get out of here.

[Key]

All right, bro, your phone sound like. Bro, we gotta go.

[Mike]

All right, bro.

[Dirty Dan]

All right, yo.

[Key]

Okay, this next tweet will be it says, when the homeless man asks for money, but we literally in the same situation. But my fit just harder now. There's been times, like, I got off on a bus and I like, legit only got like four good outfits to my name, and I'm living check to check, and I can't afford even something that's a hundred, two hundred, or it's just gonna throw off my whole month.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Key]

And somebody asked me for some money and I just be like, what? I am struggling. I legit can't even get you $10 right now.

[Pat]

It's crazy how people perception is, bro. Like, you can have on the fakest stuff, but people would think you the richest person.

[Key]

Honestly, I don't get why people put themselves in that situation. Like, if I know I'm doing something that's very, like, low budget, like, I'm not going to dress, like, as expensive. You know what I'm saying? It's just like. Like, if I know I'm going to a club and I'm not getting a section, I'm not about to wear the biggest chain in the world. One time, me and Mike, we're in Milwaukee, public market, and this skinny dude with dreads literally in line grabbing tacos with like 20 big ass chainsaws. And it's just like, okay, you got on quote unquote, like $2 million worth of jewelry and we don't know who you are. Stop it. It's like, read the room, bro. Why you got all them goddamn chains on?

[Mike]

What's the next one?

[Key]

Next one somebody said crazy because 14 years ago we ain't have drill music. I remember shooting the house up to did it on Them by Nicki Min. Bur bur. Did it on the. That.

[Mike]

That was plenty of music to do back then.

[Key]

Just a Barb n that a barb.

[Pat]

What's one song you could have did it to, Mike?

[Mike]

What's the. Any Tupac song?

[Key]

I feel like Mary.

[Pat]

Oh, I hit him up.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Key]

Listen to this.

[Mike]

I got some.

[Key]

What happened?

[Mike]

A 50 Cent song.

[Key]

Hold on. What were you just singing, huh?

[Mike]

Or are you just saying, I got something for your ass? Keep thinking. I'm. This is my.

[Key]

He'd be knowing the most random song. Like you ain't never heard that Ja Rule verse. Ah, baby.

[Mike]

You know why I know that? Like, that is because when people be rap battling and like, rapping to beats, and in school, I will always pick like, a random ass verse off a song. And then I started rapping. Oh, Mike can rap. Very subtle with it. I wouldn't even finish the whole thing. I would, like, mess up on purpose. I'd be like, these are my ideas. This is my sweat and tears.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

I don't even want to do it.

[Dirty Dan]

No.

[Key]

That's funny as hell. All right, listen to this next thing. My favorite part of the day is when my woman, like, do something wrong or bogus. Bro, I get to be fig. Mad now.

[Dirty Dan]

Yes.

[Mike]

I'm overly dragging it.

[Key]

Oh, God, I'll never get.

[Mike]

Get this chance. No, I definitely done that before.

[Key]

No, that is fun as hell, bro.

[Mike]

So you know you want to be left alone today. It's like, I'm trying to play 2K all day.

[Key]

No, it be something as simple as, like, you know, as a dude you won't get mad over. Like if you just made a sandwich and your girl accidentally knock it on the floor.

[Mike]

Right?

[Key]

You know, you really not going because you didn't did the to yourself before. It's like, it is what it is is. But you gonna drag that. Like my silent. You hungry no more. You hear sizzling in there and she's starting to cook. I guess I eat this pasta. I ain't even want it like that.

[Mike]

Walking in the hallway, acting like he about to faint. It's like, oh, I got hungry, lightheaded eat today.

[Key]

I could go for a seafood boil now. No, that's.

[Dirty Dan]

That's.

[Key]

That's a red flag to me, though.

[Mike]

No, but sometimes you gotta bait your girl into doing nice things for her, for you.

[Key]

You think so?

[Mike]

In a sense.

[Key]

What's. Other ways you can bait your girl into.

[Mike]

I'm just saying in a more playful way, I would say.

[Key]

No, I like. I like when they forget important dates.

[Mike]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Key]

You ain't know.

[Mike]

You act like you care.

[Key]

This anniversary, the day I called you. This is the first time I called you I ever called you. We talked for six days. I call you on the six days. It's November 6th.

[Pat]

Dangerous.

[Key]

That's our number. You should know that.

[Mike]

The dangerous thing about doing that, especially if it's a girl that really likes you. That's then going to become, like, the standard of things now. Yeah. She's going to start like, oh, now. Now I remember everything. Anniversary.

[Key]

That's why, like, I feel like mature relationships, they actually attack each problem singularly instead of, like, letting shit, like, build up. Like, I feel like, as dudes and this is like, I should say me. My problem is I'll let something slide.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Key]

And it's fine because it don't bother me as much. I'm like, very, like, you know, whatever. Okay. You did this. I'm not supposed to like it, but who gives a. You know what I'm saying? But then when that person does the same thing or you do the same thing and they trip out, you like, oh, let's go back to them five times when you did this, I could have tweaked out. And in reality, now you turned in something that she had the balls to bring up. Yeah, the balls she had the balls to bring up. And you brought up, like, all this old. When you didn't have the balls to bring up, like, something that actually bothered you. Like, yes, it bothers you. When she wished her ex a happy birthday, but you tried to keep it pee. Like, nah, go ahead. Like, I don't. That don't bother me. You know what I'm saying? And then you do something. Like what? You like the recent X picture and she start tweaking. I'll be like, no, I'm. At least I'm not wishing them happy.

[Pat]

Birthday like you did.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Key]

Yeah.

[Mike]

This makes it seem like your girl can't bring nothing up to you. Yeah.

[Pat]

Then it's just tit for tat. That's true.

[Key]

Exactly. And then once your relationship becomes tit for tat, now it's just like you about to spend an eternity playing a game with the same person.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Key]

Like, you do something, then I do it, then we argue about how I feel, damn near break up. Let's do it again. Like, let's keep doing this little time.

[Mike]

Doing the same thing. If you did this something, now I'm gonna do the same thing. I think there's. There's things in relationships where something I do might not bother you, but something you do. Like, different things can bother people.

[Key]

Exactly.

[Mike]

People know that everybody has their thing that, like, annoys them. What's yours in relationships.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

I don't know. You go first. Trying to see where, like, where I'm trying to take it. Yeah.

[Pat]

Smack him.

[Key]

That's like. That's disrespectful to you.

[Pat]

No, it bothers Me.

[Key]

Got it.

[Mike]

But the thing is, is, like, that's like anybody, though.

[Pat]

Oh, wait. Oh, well, relationships, I don't know. I ain't been in that many, so I couldn't tell. I was just saying, like, just smacking is just the most annoying thing I.

[Mike]

Feel like if any spice.

[Key]

But that's it. But that's a good point, though. That's the hardest part about relationships.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Key]

It's like not laughing at what your partner finds disrespectful because sometimes it's funny as.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Key]

You know what I'm saying? Like, you might do some. Like, you always hug girls to the side, right. And. And your arm might touch a girl's shoulder, and then your girl might be like, can you please open your hand up when you hug girl? So I know. And you might legit laugh in her face, be like, what the.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Key]

I mean, but that's disrespectful to her because of her past and her trauma. So it's like, you almost got to respect that.

[Dirty Dan]

That.

[Key]

But then it's just like the only way the relationship don't grow if you call her out for the same exact thing when you know that's not disrespectful to you. So it's like you got to find out which disrespect is and then not disrespect them in a way and then not hold them accountable for being disrespecting the other way.

[Mike]

No, I feel it. I think, like, I think one of the things that are annoying in my relationship is. But the funny annoying thing is that my girl is, like, super organized. Like, super organized. And I kind of like to, like, in my desk area sometimes it's just random everywhere, but I know where it's at. You know, it's there for real. I put this memory card under this hard drive that's in a bin, and then she'll move it to the right place where it should be. And I'm like, where is this? And then she's like that. So that kind of be. That can be annoying when starts moving to the right spot.

[Key]

But that's that. But that's good. Yeah, that's good. Because you got some of these out here that's complaining that they girl moved the toothpaste from the armchair. I knew it's all. I always put my toothpaste on my couch. I'm not changing for nobody. You don't pay no bills here. She just wants a toothpaste off the couch, bro. That's it, bro.

[Pat]

But no I definitely feel that though, when you trying to find something that you always put it in that one spot and then it's just all organized. Sometimes you don't need no organization. But I feel like, like organization does not help with adhd.

[Mike]

No. I just think we as guys sometimes we have like organized chaos. Yes, yes. Like, we know how to like operate in like very high stimulus. You know when you say your girlfriend gets over stimulated. When girls begin overstimulating, I think we just get less overstimulated in a way where it's like, now this is. This chaos is like, it's good.

[Pat]

No, it depends on what it is though, because I feel like we get overstimulated with like sports, with debates and stuff like that.

[Key]

Not. But one thing I gotta say, I gotta get on them women too, though, what happened? Because y' all be putting away and forgetting where y' all put it at. Like, just because you put it away don't mean like it's useful. It's just like, oh, like, hey, where the drill at? I put it away because you keep setting it on top of the garage counter, which is like a decent spot where it probably should be. Yeah. It's like, oh, where you put it? I don't remember. So why you putting away? But when you find the drill, it's in the place that make the most sense. You're like, okay, I see why you put it next to the screwdrivers. And like, I get it. It's a bunch of tools. I get it.

[Mike]

I remember when I used to try to leave like the spare key somewhere like. And like hide it to get to the house and I'll forget where I live. I hit it so well. There's those times where it's like. Because I'll be thinking, that's like a thief. I was like, oh, under the car. I'm like, nah, it's too easy under this. Oh, no, that's too easy. Then it's like if you put it to like the garden hose or some. And that's like, you never find that.

[Key]

You wanna know what's funny? Like, fun fact. That's how a lot of drug dealers lose money.

[Mike]

Well, for try to stash their money, they.

[Key]

They literally hide it so good away from everybody so nobody can find it. Yeah. And then they lose like $50,000 and they never remember where they put.

[Pat]

That's the best way to save money though. Yeah, that's the number one best way to save it.

[Mike]

It's good money.

[Pat]

Put money away and act like. And just forget about it. Like, when you put it in your savings and you forget that you have it, you just act like you broke it.

[Mike]

So I was just putting your savings.

[Pat]

You forgot about it then what you're.

[Mike]

Saying, like, hiding cash?

[Pat]

No, if I put it in my savings, I'm hiding it, I forgot about it.

[Key]

No, but the point is to not see it again. It's gotta be cash.

[Pat]

Y' all be seeing y' all savings.

[Key]

Yeah, I see everything.

[Mike]

You don't see your savings.

[Pat]

I don't try. I try not to look at it. Y' all taking it too literal. We gotta.

[Key]

I feel.

[Mike]

I get you. I get you. The point was.

[Key]

If I see that, I know exactly. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, man. I want to give a shout out to NBA player Celtic champion Jalen Brown. You know, I have to say that before I say the other thing. I'm gonna say that, like, it's so fucked up, because I feel like a lot of people, like, a lot of men, we go through, like, our hairline receding. Like, your hairline eventually is gonna recede. Little young. So you can stop all that. You putting on your hairline. But it's like Jaylen Brown going through it in front of a lot of people. And obviously he's a super popular player on and off the court, but, like, the amount of Beijing he's putting on, like, I don't know if he sweats more than, like, the average person, but I feel like there's a better way to do it than he's doing it because he's had, like, two or three incidents where it's rubbed off on, like, the opponent's jersey. And then I think last week there was a mascot walking towards him, and the mascot jumped back and then dusted off his shirt.

[Mike]

Like. And I. I saw his hair without the. Without anything when he's getting cut on. It looked normal. I was like, what is he?

[Key]

People let. I think people let other people bully them into stuff. I tell you. Perfect example. Mike and I were on Tick Tock Live when we used to do Tick Tock lives at night. It was like, I don't know, a couple years ago. And this dude in the comments kept calling me fat. He's like, yo, fat ass. Look at Pat. Fat ass. He fat. He fat, he fat. And we. I finally added him to the live, and he was. Dude was bigger than me. Like, he. Jalen Brown letting people with, like, bad hairline tell him he got a bad hairline line. It's like, bro, you don't even need no Beijing, bro.

[Mike]

Maybe that's what I was telling Gene about people saying, like, their outfits are pissing them off.

[Key]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Mike]

I was like, you got a whole bunch of people that can't dress telling you no.

[Key]

There's literally a girl that put. Gene wore that outfit to piss me off. Huh?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Key]

I found her profile on Instagram, and she had a collar shirt on.

[Mike]

Oh.

[Key]

What is you a manager at Kohl's or something? Are you dressed like that? She had a collar shirt with jeans and some Air Maxes on.

[Pat]

I was like, no, that's filthy. She like, yeah, that's definitely Journey manager.

[Key]

No, Journey. Journey be selling anything. Nothing. They got uggs in there legs.

[Mike]

They do be selling everything.

[Pat]

That's the only thing I know about this.

[Mike]

They always get me, like, looking back, like, oh, okay. I've never gotten anything from Journeys, but, like, it definitely always, like, especially when walking. The mall is definitely, like, a showstopper, like the Docs.

[Key]

And it's a great kid space.

[Mike]

Yes, for sure.

[Key]

Oh, it's an amazing. Kids are so famous in there. Famous. And yums. The Soulja Boy brand. Oh, got you famous with the f. With the F and the star. No, I know exactly what you're talking about. It used to be fire.

[Mike]

I saw a tweet.

[Dirty Dan]

Tweet.

[Mike]

Or a comment that said, why do Americans have to do everything in the driver's seat of a car? And it's true. We do do a lot in our car. Like, just, like, eat. We eat in our car, listen to music. I saw Pat the other day. I was driving Pie Pat, and this man was just sitting in his car vibing to music. I was like, what the. In front of his house.

[Pat]

That's the most peaceful thing anybody that.

[Key]

Got a kid understand. Boy, like, if you got a kid, like, sometimes you just need to sit in the car, like, man. Cause you just think about grabbing milk. It is like, bro, if I move two states away, ain't no way they can find me. Right?

[Pat]

I think sitting in the car is one of the most peaceful things you can do outside of, like, sitting outside. Because when you inside the car, it's literally just you and nothing else. You don't got no worries. You ain't got nothing else.

[Dirty Dan]

House.

[Key]

It's, like, the only place that somebody technically can't walk in.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Key]

Because, like, a house, even if you live by yourself, you could get a visitor. You can hear the neighbors.

[Pat]

You can get a visitor. The homeless people ain't never knocked on your door before.

[Key]

No, the new homeless thing Is it's this dude that live in downtown Milwaukee. He got a good scam going on. Because the only reason I noticed he was scamming is because he was with me when he scammed me the first.

[Mike]

Time I was with you.

[Key]

Yeah. So we now didn't sniff out the scam. I think we just, like. I think we just had some cash on us, like. So we had walked out of Walgreens, and this dude came up to it, like, yo, I'm not trying to bother y'. All really, like the outfits, bro. Not. Not on some homeless stuff. No begging stuff. My wife and kid right there in that car, man. All I need is about 20 more dollars and I can get this hotel up here. Man, we've been cold, been freezing. About to get back on my feet. I'm out of here in the morning. Like, the sign, I'm like, damn, 20.

[Dirty Dan]

I can't.

[Key]

It like, I got $20 on me. Get him from A to B real quick. Two nights ago, I seen the same. And he pointed down there, and it wasn't no. And so I was like, I don't know, man. So I drove down there and looked at every car, Not a person in the car. This little scamming, I should. I should have beat his ass.

[Mike]

I. In those situations, I give. And I was just. You know when people say just. I'm going to let God handle it. Whether these. Whether you tell the truth or lie.

[Pat]

You definitely got to.

[Key]

No, say, I'mma let guy handle it. 20 minutes later, you see him laid out in the street, like, coming. You go get your 20 back and.

[Mike]

And I'm. I'mma take the other 50 you took from everybody else, too. Commission.

[Key]

Give me this. But.

[Mike]

Bus ticket.

[Key]

You ain't going nowhere.

[Pat]

When you think about it, homeless people make a lot of money. When you. When you. When you really bust it down. Like, even if you bust it down, average homeless person probably make about like a hundred dollars a day, give or take.

[Key]

I doubt that.

[Mike]

I doubt it.

[Pat]

You. Bro, you just said somebody just gave you $20. You gave somebody $20.

[Mike]

But you know where it is. If I leave you $20, if I.

[Pat]

Ask eight people for $20, I'm straight.

[Key]

No, it don't work like that.

[Pat]

But it worked on you.

[Key]

One out of eight, probably. Maybe one out of.

[Mike]

It depends a lot.

[Key]

He just called me at the right.

[Mike]

Time, I think two.

[Pat]

How many other people getting caught at the right time?

[Key]

Not many.

[Mike]

I'm better at. I'm better at this than before is the problem. I used to have Especially when I was, like, dating, was out talking on the phone outside the gym. I get into the gym and then. Then just sit in your car. Either watching YouTube and then it's like. Or legit. 40 minutes would pass and I'm still in the car before the gym.

[Key]

Oh, yeah, That's a gym.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Key]

I hate that I'll be in that car chilling. All it take is some white old lady to come staring at you like, let me get in this.

[Mike]

It's funny how she called the cops on me.

[Key]

Sitting in your car too long, young man. I know you're on that weed.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

It's funny how situations like that make you know that I've been standing in this spot not too long. Like, sometimes I'll be, like, sitting in my car, like, at. In front of, like, wherever the venue I'm going to or something like that, and just take a car, like, making two little laps and like that. Or driving super slow behind. It's like, all right, man, let me get home.

[Key]

No. One time I was in a. I was sitting in my car so long that at least four people had came by thinking I was pulling out of that spot. And they put their caution lights on, like, yeah, I gotta park this spot. I kept having to wave. I said, no, no, man. All right, so you know, this. This thing I hate because I recently had a family member. I ain't gonna say who it is, because this family member listen to the podcast, so you know it's you, nigga. I had someone reach out to me with the problem. They had the solution to that problem, and then only 10 seconds later, had that problem right back in their face. So I had someone reach out to me, like, man, I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of this. I. I need to get rid of him. He holding me back. I'm like, finally you realize this. The dude holding you back. He hold me back. I'm done with him. I'm like, I'm glad. I'm happy for you. What you want for dinner? Jason. Jason, he there? Yeah, he in the living room. Here in the living room. Look, he looking at me right now like, I'm not playing with you, boy.

[Mike]

Stop playing.

[Key]

I like, no way. You just started laughing on the phone, bro. The making you laugh already. Now, that'd be the worst. We talked about this before, but I had a friend in college, he got caught cheating with, like, four different girls. And they all found out. All found out. And he came back to me, and he was still talking to all four girls. And just, like, sometimes when somebody come out of something, you'd be like. Like, how you be wanting to write them out. Like, they let you get away with this. They believe you. So she still believe that's your cousin?

[Mike]

No.

[Key]

That got to be a lot of work. I ain't going to lie.

[Pat]

That comfortability is insane.

[Key]

Just leave, bro. You got to keep lying. Like, just get a new one. Playing in a Tyler Perry movie, but in real life.

[Mike]

I saw a comment somebody made on the YouTube video, and it was actually funny. It said, I don't think I've ever watched an episode where my mike put something up on the screen.

[Key]

That's very true.

[Mike]

And I do be capping, especially when I show something.

[Key]

You do be saying it a couple times.

[Mike]

I do be saying it. The up part is that I just forget that I say it. And then it gets to a point, it's like, oh, they'll get it, Y'.

[Pat]

All.

[Mike]

Y' all know exactly what the videos we'd be looking at anyway.

[Key]

Look at that now. I feel it, though.

[Mike]

I get it. No, we'll get better at that.

[Key]

No, we definitely got to get better. I'll make notes that we. We definitely being transparent with y', all, and hopefully one day, y' all look back at these episodes and be like, these are ass.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Key]

Honestly, I thought it was, like, an inside joke where, like, we would never do it.

[Dirty Dan]

You know?

[Mike]

I got y'. All.

[Key]

I'm gonna put.

[Mike]

I'm gonna put the comment up on the screen for y'.

[Key]

All.

[Mike]

See? I got y'.

[Dirty Dan]

All.

[Mike]

I got y'. All.

[Key]

No, he lying. He lying.

[Mike]

Y' all will see the comment, and the person that put the comment. There you go, bro.

[Key]

He lying to y'. All.

[Mike]

I got y', all, bro.

[Pat]

Don't.

[Mike]

Don't believe.

[Pat]

Dude, Speaking of birthdays, when y' all ever heard the term nobody likes you when you're 23?

[Key]

No, never heard that.

[Pat]

Never heard that. Are you seeing a lot of the movies? Yeah, but the point is, they say, like, when you turn 23, your frontal lobe develops like, you. You get more aware and stop going for bs. But now that I'm around a lot of older people, I think that's bullshit. Like, I don't know.

[Mike]

You think you had your frontal lobe developed before? Long before.

[Pat]

Yeah, I had mine developed since I was in the fetus.

[Key]

Okay. Oh, my God. Why you looking at me, bro?

[Pat]

I'm looking at you. I'm waiting for you. Whoa. Don't take it there.

[Key]

No, you hardy, bro.

[Mike]

Don't take it there.

[Key]

That's like your second one. I was tugging on key jacket earlier, bro, and he let it slide.

[Pat]

Why was you tugging it from the jacket? Whoa. No, I'm asking.

[Key]

I was just tugging your jacket, bro.

[Pat]

Where the. The.

[Key]

Where you weird.

[Pat]

No, bro.

[Key]

You forgot you were involved in it. Oh, you. Okay. You know what I hate?

[Mike]

My.

[Pat]

Want to change it up, bro. That's sweet.

[Key]

Yeah. You talking about I'm tugging your jacket from the back.

[Pat]

That's what you did, bro.

[Mike]

That was crazy, though, bro.

[Pat]

Dude was freaky, bro.

[Mike]

You didn't tug his jacket.

[Key]

Don't say that. Don't say that.

[Mike]

You. You tugged his jacket.

[Pat]

You tugged it, bro. You tugged, and I had to run away from you.

[Mike]

The part I didn't see any of this happen. I just heard it happen.

[Pat]

No, bro, that's what you did was.

[Mike]

Like, All I hear was. And I heard Mike.

[Key]

Mike, you so stupid.

[Pat]

You bogus, bro.

[Key]

You in this too, bro.

[Pat]

I'm a yelling my name.

[Mike]

Why am I your safety person?

[Pat]

Just war away, bro. I couldn't yell. Gene. Gene was far gone.

[Key]

Gene ran. He said, that nigga pulling jackets again. Get your ass out of here. You know what I hate? When people brag about being right so much. Like, I'm always right. You ever met a person and just say, I'm always right in the end.

[Pat]

100.

[Key]

But if you was all. If you say you was always right in the end, that mean you was wrong in the beginning all the way through. You ever hear somebody, like, there's a lot of people, they think they write, but they just say a lot of. And then they write. They just throw a bunch of in the air. You see me do that all the time, but I do it, like, poke. I poke. Phone at. Like I told you.

[Mike]

No, you just have. You got. You got a little. You humor your way out of things.

[Key]

Yes, I humor.

[Paige]

Yeah.

[Key]

Yeah. I'll be like, shay Gildrich Alexander is gonna be ass.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Key]

I come back like, hey, he. Mike, he might be good. And I come. I told you he was gonna be good.

[Pat]

But that's not the same thing.

[Key]

That is the same thing.

[Pat]

You said he was ass and then said he was good. You didn't say he was good. And then Mike denied it. You said he was ass, and Mike denied it. So you got proven wrong, and Mike was right in the end.

[Key]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I'm saying people that brag about always being right, they get it wrong a lot of times on the way to being right, so.

[Pat]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Key]

Yeah, you actually the most wrongest person ever in history.

[Mike]

Or like the person that like, is wrong, but they have the wrong path to get the right answer. It's like they're right, but it's like the way. The way you got to be right is completely wrong. Like, I wouldn't. I wouldn't take any of those steps to get there.

[Key]

No, it's like. It's like a dude, wake up. She's like, I can't believe you cheated with five women. You went to my phone.

[Mike]

Get the out. It wasn't. And it wasn't even five. It was ain't three.

[Key]

I've never met those other girls just sexy. Don't, don't, don't.

[Mike]

Don't do me like that. Don't put three other girls on me.

[Key]

You think I'm a hoe or something. Think I'm just giving it up. I'm so offended.

[Mike]

Yeah. And I Even the sec. The third one, I even. I only had sex with one of them. I just kissed the other two.

[Key]

That girl lying. I never. I never asked her to be my girlfriend. I asked if she would spend the rest of her life with me. We could be anything, like homies, you know?

[Pat]

What's so up is people be believing that dumbass. That's what I'd be so comfortable with. The person, like, they don't even care. They just like. Well, it. I tell myself this. Yeah, man, that's insane.

[Key]

That's the worst thing to like, if you listening to. In my case, it's always been like women and women will be explaining the story and you just be like. And then they started sticking up for him mid time. Like, yeah, he. He turned off his location and he hit me back up until 5pm the next day. And just. I just like, yeah, he probably doing something, but no, he work hard. Like, sometimes his phone just be dying.

[Pat]

Like, no.

[Key]

I'll see you in three months.

[Mike]

Oh, man.

[Key]

He always sleeps with the phone between his legs. What else we got is waking up with they phones in their pillowcases. Just leave.

[Pat]

Do y' all still use pillows?

[Key]

I got like five pillows on the bed. Yeah, I still use pillows. Why? What do you use?

[Pat]

No, I asked the question first.

[Mike]

For comfortability. I kind of like, I have a pillow that kind of lines aligns my spine perfectly. And I put one between my legs too.

[Key]

You got a pregnancy pillow? Oh, I put one between my legs. That's a good way to sleep.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Key]

You shouldn't sleep with your knees.

[Pat]

I can't sleep with my knees touching.

[Key]

I know they won't touch.

[Pat]

Bro, you. That wasn't freaky.

[Key]

I'm just saying, bro, you looked down.

[Pat]

And said, they won't touch.

[Mike]

What was your point, though?

[Pat]

Oh, yeah, my whole. I don't know. I just can't get jiggy with the pillows.

[Mike]

You sleep with zero pillows?

[Pat]

I have pillows, but I don't like using them.

[Mike]

So you don't sleep with Pillow?

[Key]

He's sleeping in the pool of himself. All I need is be.

[Pat]

Honestly, if it was up to me, I would rather sleep on the floor than sleep on the bed.

[Mike]

Some people are like that, too.

[Pat]

Just because it just feels more better. Like, you wake up way better.

[Mike]

You ever sleep on, like, a Japanese mattress?

[Pat]

Yeah, it's super flat.

[Key]

It's like a mat.

[Mike]

Yeah, it's like a mat. Yeah.

[Pat]

Yeah, Them cots, remember them little. You had that question, though, because, I don't know. I think Pillow.

[Mike]

Are you a back sleeper then?

[Dirty Dan]

Whoa.

[Key]

Come on. Come on. You can't pause that.

[Pat]

Whoa. Are you a back sleeper?

[Key]

Let's get through this subject.

[Pat]

Hold on. What's the question? Damn, you rushing me. No, I sleep on my right side of my stomach.

[Key]

Hey, Keith, they still. No matter what.

[Pat]

Oh.

[Key]

Oh, nigga, like, acting like one way to sleep is more vulnerable than the other.

[Pat]

Yeah, I sleep on my stomach.

[Mike]

That is. So you really sleep on your.

[Pat]

I sleep on my stomach and my legs be. My legs be like this.

[Mike]

How does your head touch the ground?

[Pat]

Does your head. No, my legs be like. My legs be like this. My legs be like this. And then I'll be my. I lay like that.

[Key]

That boy sleep like. That boy sleep like an uneven turkey. But, like, that's crazy.

[Mike]

If you sleep on your stomach, does, like, your head actually touch the ground? I mean, the bed.

[Pat]

Come on.

[Mike]

No, I'm saying come on.

[Pat]

Oh, my. Come on.

[Key]

Mike trying to cook you, kid. Every time I say something, it pat this. And then when Mike say some, it's bro.

[Pat]

That's cuz. Mike. Mike only. Mike only do it, like, one episode. But, you know, hey, the cage limit.

[Mike]

That your ass is in the air while you're sleeping.

[Pat]

Whoa, wait.

[Mike]

Why?

[Pat]

Who sleep with their ass in the air? No, it's not. I'm not arched while I'm sleeping.

[Mike]

Man, your ass still the highest thing.

[Pat]

No, it's not, bro. You got scoliosis.

[Key]

No, you bro.

[Pat]

Your ass is in the air. You have scoliosis.

[Mike]

Wait, if you put, like, a long PVC pipe on your back, right? And you went like.

[Pat]

Crazy and you.

[Mike]

Dragged it across your body, it would definitely touch your butt.

[Key]

Oh, yeah, you. You wouldn't.

[Pat]

You would do that.

[Key]

Do the bench roll test. You know, when they, like, roll the bench to see if it go over the booty?

[Pat]

That don't make no. Oh, y' all are freaking. Bro. Bro, that's not how that works, bro. Bro, listen, bro, if I laid on my back, it'll be the same thing.

[Key]

Bro, listen, I.

[Mike]

No, it be a belly. Then your belly would be.

[Pat]

It wouldn't be the belly. I got a first line of defense before the belly.

[Key]

No, no, no, no.

[Pat]

You just talking about my ass being in the ceiling and I'm weird.

[Key]

No, I'm just saying you're going off your shape, though. He's saying, like, if you lay you.

[Pat]

On a flat surface, bro, your stomach. First of all, I'm not pregnant.

[Mike]

You.

[Pat]

You idiots.

[Mike]

I'm not saying you're pregnant.

[Pat]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Mike]

But you have some weight on you, though, bro.

[Pat]

If you just have some weight on.

[Mike]

You're a bigger dude.

[Pat]

Nigga, my stomach will still go into the bed. What kind of bed you think I got?

[Mike]

Oh, memory fold.

[Pat]

Yeah, I got memories.

[Key]

Oh, he. Oh, he the bed now. That's the only way.

[Pat]

How is that the only way, bro? What kind of bed Y. Y' all got? Japanese mattress?

[Mike]

No.

[Pat]

So how is this not common sense, bro?

[Mike]

I don't sleep on my stomach.

[Key]

No, but listen, this is what I'm telling you. When you do your legs like that, this one part of your ass up.

[Pat]

That's.

[Mike]

Yeah, bro.

[Pat]

No, it's that my ass is that way.

[Key]

It ain't up.

[Pat]

It's that way. And it's still flat.

[Mike]

What the.

[Pat]

What the, bro, y' all talking about?

[Key]

Ass about to hit the. The baby crying. He gonna be mad as. He gonna be mad as hell, somebody breaking his house and jump right on top of him, like, nope, stay right there.

[Pat]

But you end up getting there.

[Mike]

So y' all don't wake up, I'll share the roster.

[Pat]

Julie.

[Key]

Don'T move.

[Mike]

By God. Enterprise, bro.

[Pat]

So y' all ass don't. Bro, if I'm laying, if I'm sleeping. No, look, but look, if I'm laying to my side, right? Cuz, y' all making it seem like y' all ass is just detachable. And y' all put it in the drawer when you go to sleep. That's how you niggas is making it seem, bro. Wait, you don't put it in the door.

[Key]

Wait, they going to wake you up by, like, moving his butt with the gun.

[Pat]

Bro.

[Key]

Your cheeks is in the same place.

[Mike]

Imagine. Imagine somebody is robbing you, right?

[Pat]

For.

[Mike]

For you to. For you to actually turn around to see who it is. You know what you're going to do?

[Key]

Your.

[Mike]

Your neck is going to turn around.

[Pat]

First, and you're going be.

[Dirty Dan]

All right.

[Mike]

Even if you hear a noise in.

[Pat]

Your room, the first.

[Mike]

Your first position is to beat on your back in the crazy. The baby crying position. And turning your neck like this. Let's see if there was a noise.

[Pat]

No, don't get up like that. No, I push up to get up.

[Mike]

Your ass is laid in the middle of the room.

[Pat]

Y' all making it seem like I got a bbl. No, listen, that's how you making this change.

[Key]

No, wait, wait, wait. No, I want you to be. I want you to be safe. I want you to be safe because you're not being safe right now. Because God forbid somebody break into your home, they going to have to pop you, bro. Cuz the other robbers going to be like, bro, why would you shoot him? We was only here to rob him. He was like, bro. He tried to throw it back on me, bro. Hopped up like, who in my house? Hey, bro.

[Pat]

Bro, Y' all cheeks is facing the same. Same way my cheeks face when I'm sleeping.

[Mike]

My stomach.

[Key]

But look.

[Pat]

But look, right? So if my leg. But look, bro, we already crazy. We already crazy, bro. We already crazy.

[Key]

Why you keep saying we?

[Pat]

Because y' all bringing up my cheeks. What are y' all talking about?

[Key]

N. Everybody got to get when they get. That's the key.

[Dirty Dan]

Key.

[Key]

Like, my boys sleep the same way. Make sure y' all go get them, too.

[Pat]

Oh, my God.

[Key]

No. That's so crazy, man.

[Mike]

Anyway, thank y' all for coming. Thank y' all for listening to Crash Dummies podcast live show.

[Key]

I'm also.

[Mike]

Yeah, almost sold out.

[Pat]

Get them tickets, man. Bring some food, please.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Because during listener callers, I'm gonna be in the crowd with y' all interacting, and I'm gonna need something to eat.

[Key]

Pause.

[Mike]

How is that a pa? I'm still bring food on y' all stomach, preferably for K.

[Key]

No, we got hella people listening to this on their stomach right now. Say, these is tripping.

[Mike]

We definitely made a couple people, like, turn off. Change their sleeping position.

[Key]

No, no, that's weird.

[Mike]

Change the position, bro.

[Pat]

Come on.

[Key]

Mike said flip over.

[Mike]

But they did already, so it's already over.

[Key]

No, that's crazy. All right, y' all don't listen to Mike, man.