Vibrating Toilet Seats - Episode 220

Summary

Crash Dummies Podcast with Pat and Mike

Episode 220: Vibrating Toilet Seats

Date: August 20, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Patrick Johnson and Michael Esiobu steer their signature mix of irreverent humor and outrageous scenarios through current events, listener calls, and hilarious personal anecdotes. From blind ranking of numbers and world tragedies to the strange world of vibrating toilet seats, wild relationship stories, and cringe-inducing tales of bodily functions, the Crash Dummies crew and their guests deliver almost 80 minutes of freewheeling, joke-heavy conversation that touches on everything from etiquette and urban legends to relationships, consumer oddities, and family drama.

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Key Discussion Points & Notable Segments

1. Blind Ranking Game: Numbers and Tragedies

Timestamps: 00:00 - 01:50

• Mike kicks things off with a “blind ranking” where he asks the group to rank numbers (911, 973, 956, 925) and ends with “Slavery,” without telling the category.
• Confusion and dark humor ensue:
  • “If you blind rank one more day, I’m gonna be blind to you.” – Mike (00:25)
  • “That’s not a good ranking, Mike. But start the pod.” – Pat (01:46)

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2. Optimism vs. Pessimism & Outrageous Analogies

Timestamps: 03:12 - 04:36

• Mike makes an over-the-top analogy to handling life’s setbacks:
  • “Sometimes life is going to nut in your face. I need you to get up… Wipe it off.” – Mike (03:46)
  • “Tell them, ‘No more.’” – Mike, pushing the analogy even further (04:30)
  • The group riffs on the analogy, leading to laughs about how some people might actually enjoy hardship for attention.

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3. Modern Jealousies: Walking Down the Wedding Aisle

Timestamps: 04:42 – 07:10

• The team debates whether it's inappropriate for your spouse to be paired with a single person in a wedding party.
  • Host: “If there’s that type of insecurity… you got bigger problems.” (05:25)
  • Mike and Pat joke about personal wedding stories, including almost passing out from dieting at a friend’s wedding, and viral videos of fainting groomsmen.

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4. Major American Cities Debate

Timestamps: 07:56 – 12:58

• The crew weighs in on which cities should be considered America’s “big four”: New York, LA, Chicago, Miami, Houston, Atlanta.
  • Gene: “New York, Chicago, L.A. and Portland.” – sparking dissent (08:11)
  • “You gotta have something that represents the cold, and what else than the Windy City?” – Mike on Chicago (10:40)
  • Discussion about what makes a city “major” spans fame, history, connections, and trivia.

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5. Overrated U.S. Cities, Vegas' Downturn, & City Perspectives

Timestamps: 12:10 – 13:14

• The hosts muse on LA’s overrated rep, Vegas’s decline in tourism, and the subjectivity of city rankings.
  • “If you got no connections, LA can be very overrated.” – Mike (12:23)
  • “Somebody’s saying like, a carnival cruise right now. Wherever the carnival cruise takes me, that’s a major city.” – Mike (13:08)

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6. Color-Changing Condoms?

Timestamps: 13:23 – 14:56

• Discussion about a viral story on condoms that change color if they detect an STD, spinning out into jokes:
  • “Most dudes are gonna take that as a W…Then keep going. I wouldn’t catch you.” – Mike (13:43)
  • “Neon green is gonorrhea.” – Mike (14:26)
  • “What’s teal? Oh, it say musty. Your dick stink.” – Host (14:45)

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7. Party Etiquette: Sneaking Out vs. The Long Goodbye

Timestamps: 15:26 – 17:51

• Pat and Mike compare how they leave parties (quick disappearance vs. making sure to greet/talk to everyone).
  • “I’ll say bye to the host but keep it low key.” – Host (15:36)
  • “I’m shaking everybody in that mf twice.” – Mike (16:11)
• The struggles of ending small talk and the social anxiety of awkward party conversations.

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8. Time Honesty: The ‘Ish’ Suffix

Timestamps: 18:31 – 19:35

• What does “10:30ish” really mean? The crew debates grace periods and lateness:
  • “If you say 10:30ish, I’m showing up at 11:30.” – Mike (19:23)

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9. Listener Calls: The Wildest Purchases

Timestamps: 19:49 – 23:40

Vibrating Toilet Seat Story (EPISODE TITLE)

• Pat calls in to reveal his strangest purchase: a $350 vibrating toilet seat found at a mall kiosk.
  • “Let’s say you struggling to get a… out, bro: It actually helps you.” – Pat (20:55)
  • Mike and others grill Pat about the utility, pleasure factor, and why nobody else is allowed to use it.
  • “Good investment.” – Pat (21:31)
  • “That literally makes me want to break in your house and use that.” – Mike (22:33)
  • Ends with Pat revealing he's a top fan, having listened to every episode twice (he's a welder and listens during work).
  • “Don’t weld your dick off, bro.” – Mike’s closing advice (23:53)

Honorable Mentions:

• Another caller reveals purchasing a dildo as a joke for his dad at 15, which then became a bizarre household “pet” (36:30 – 39:39).

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10. Listeners Sound Off: Fashion, Hygiene, and Weird Habits

Timestamps: 24:12 – 32:14

• Boxers in 2025: Cat complains about grown men still wearing loose boxers instead of boxer briefs.
• Bathroom Habits:
  • Little admits he’s a stand-up wiper, sparking a prolonged, hilarious debate about the right way to wipe (27:08 – 32:14).
  • “I grab my cheek with one hand, and the other hand I got toilet tissue.” – Little (28:08)
  • Conversation devolves into the intricacies of front-to-back versus back-to-front technique.
• The group continues to overshare on hygiene, keeping the banter gross, graphic, and honest.

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11. Annoyances: Mundane but Infuriating

Timestamps: 33:12 – 43:39

• Listeners vent about:
  • Friends copying their exact restaurant order: “Be original.” – Listener (33:12)
  • “When my mother-in-law comes around, bro, she got cake for days, and my girl is flatter than paper.” – Pat, sparking jokes about family body comparisons and the “annoyance” of not marrying into better genetics (40:02 – 43:39).

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12. Relationship Drama: Baby Mama Olympics

Timestamps: 43:41 – 50:58

• A female caller shares her experience dating a man with four baby mamas (and multiple kids), the drama between baby mamas, and discovering hidden children via social media.
  • “That was the final straw. I left with no kids.” – Caller (46:12)
  • Mike: “At this point, he don’t even respect you enough to be in his starting lineup. You literally like the assistant coach.” (49:46)
  • Illustrates modern relationship chaos, jealousy, and red flags.

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13. Jokes of the Internet: Tweet of the Week & Hawaiian Punch

Timestamps: 51:02 – 54:04

• Audio skit dissecting why Hawaiian Punch never actually quenches thirst—“We’re making a drink that makes you thirstier…and we plan on selling it by the gallon.” (52:30)
• Twitter exchanges and favorite tweets, including a witty “if you want to stop being treated like a little brother…” quip.

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14. Would You Jump In?

Timestamps: 54:11 – 55:54

• Viral video discussion: A man beats up five women attacking his wife.
  • The crew debates whether, and how, you should intervene if outnumbered attackers jump your partner.
  • Mike: “If two women touch my girl, yeah, I’m touching two women.” (55:36)
  • Leads to further banter about double standards, chivalry, and viral justice.

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15. Crash Dummies Innovations & Listener Messages

Timestamps: 55:57 – 56:40

• Suggestion for Crash Dummies–branded “Tidy Whities Pre-Stain”—the crew runs with the gross-out idea.
  • “That person needs Jesus, bro.” – Host (56:29)

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16. More Twitter/Internet Moments & Stereotype Baiting

Timestamps: 56:59 – 57:44

• Joke about carrying buckets of water in Nigeria, sent by a white woman to Mike, which they find more funny than offensive.

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17. Childhood Myths & Urban Legends

Timestamps: 66:31 – 69:11

• The group reminisces about false things they believed as kids:
  • Swallowing watermelon seeds would make a tree grow inside you.
  • Swallowing gum would clog your insides.
  • Throwing a dog off stairs because you were told it could fly.
  • Looking for spider bites to become Spider-Man.

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18. Bless-You Etiquette & Sneeze Superstitions

Timestamps: 69:53 – 73:31

• How many “bless yous” is enough? Examining cultural and scientific roots of the phrase.
• “I used to have sneeze attacks and hold my heart like, ‘no, no, no, no…’” – Mike (72:07)
• Gets into detailed discussions of sneezing, farting, and "climaxes".

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19. Nut on Your Face: The Motivational Analogy Comes Full Circle

Timestamps: 76:05 – 77:45

• Group revisits Mike’s wild motivational metaphor, riffing about “getting the nut off your face” as a way to recover from adversity.
  • “I just want to tell 'em, like, life gonna hit you hard. Get that nut off your face. Get back to it.” – Mike (77:31)
  • This wild analogy becomes a recurring, running gag throughout the episode.

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20. Infidelity on Your Birthday?

Timestamps: 78:11 – End

• Final anecdote: Woman finds out her boyfriend of five years has been cheating with her best friend after looking through his phone—ON HER BIRTHDAY.
  • Mike: “Why would you go through his phone on your birthday? Do it the next day.” (78:49)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Mike: “Sometimes life gonna nut in your face. Get up…Wipe it off.” (03:46, recurring theme)
• Pat (listener): “Vibrating toilet seat…let’s say you struggling to get a little turd out, put it on low, that ain’t coming out. Crank it up, guarantee it’s coming out.” (20:55)
• Guest: “I stand up to wipe my ass.” – setting off one of the episode's messiest debates (27:08)
• Caller: “When my mother-in-law comes around, she got that cake for days. My girl flatter than paper.” (40:02)
• Mike: “If two women touch my girl, I’m touching two women.” (55:36)
• Gene: “My uncle told me the dog could fly, so I threw it down some steps.” (67:09)

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Episode Flow & Tone

Irreverent, fast-paced, flippant, and relentlessly honest—in true Crash Dummies fashion, every topic is met with uninhibited jokes, surprises, and personal stories. The episode is peppered with vivid language, frequent detours into NSFW humor, and a disregard for political correctness—tempered by the quick-witted banter and real relatability of Pat, Mike, and their regulars/callers.

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Standout Segments (With Timestamps)

• Blind Ranking Cold Open: 00:00 – 01:50
• “Nut in your face” Motivation: 03:12 – 04:36, 76:05 – 77:45
• Vibrating Toilet Seat Story: 19:49 – 23:40
• Boxer vs. Briefs Fashion Judgment: 24:12 – 25:39
• Stand-up Wiping Debate: 27:08 – 32:14
• Mother-in-Law “Cake” Confession: 40:02 – 43:39
• Relationship Chaos—Baby Mamas: 43:41 – 50:58
• Audio Skit (Hawaiian Punch): 51:02 – 52:59

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Summary

This episode showcases everything fans love about Crash Dummies: unfiltered takes, laugh-out-loud analogies, unpredictable listener calls, and the ability to find (and push) the humor in real—and really weird—life. If you’ve never listened, start here for fully unhinged and unapologetic talk about the daily stuff nobody else will admit they care about (including toilet seats and wedding walk etiquette). Just be ready for a wild ride, and maybe, by the end, you’ll have a strong opinion on boxers, vibrating toilets, and how to wipe.

Transcript

[Mike]

All right, all right, all right. So we've been trying blind ranking for, you know, the last couple pies, and it's getting better and better. I wanted to start off the pile with a blind ranking. What?

[Gene]

I'm good on this one, man.

[Mike]

You good?

[Cat]

Yeah.

[Pat]

All right.

[Mike]

Hey, I think.

[Host]

It's not like you got in trouble. He's sick of that sound like you got in trouble, that last one.

[Mike]

If you blind rank one more day, I'm gonna be blind to you. All right. Okay. Blind rank these things. I'm not going to tell you the category. Also. That makes sense. So blind rank these random things.

[Host]

Okay.

[Mike]

Nine, 11.

[Host]

What? What? Nine, 11. Five.

[Mike]

Five.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Mike]

That's at the bottom.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Least important.

[Host]

You didn't say the category.

[Mike]

Okay. Oh, I'm sorry. All right. 973.

[Host]

973.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Host]

Is that a significance to that?

[Mike]

I mean, the first one was 911. This is 973.

[Host]

Like September.

[Mike]

I'm not saying. Is that area code questions? You're supposed to just be right.

[Host]

I'm gonna go three.

[Mike]

Three. Okay. 956.

[Host]

956. Two.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Pat]

Okay.

[Mike]

Nine, 25.

[Host]

Nine, 25. Let's go one.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Cat]

Number one.

[Little]

Okay.

[Mike]

Last one. Slavery.

[Host]

Well, I got left.

[Pat]

Four.

[Mike]

That's not a good ranking, Mike. You're looking too good. But start the pie.

[Host]

People know who you are, though. What was the other day?

[Mike]

Those are just random 900 numbers and two tragedies that's overlooked.

[Host]

Oh, my gosh. Anyway, welcome to crash dummies, episode 220. Make sure you guys subscribe to the Patreon. We just drop an episode on there. Oh, we just started streaming as well, so we're going to put our streaming tags and stuff in. In the description as well. Whatever.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah. Follow us on Twitch. Crash Homies. Pat, I don't know what your username is.

[Host]

Yeah, it'll be in. It'll be in the description.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah. Keeping us up on tw. Discord.

[Host]

Oh, yeah, Discord.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Host]

We talking to everybody now.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Mike]

So we have. I don't know if you know how Discord works. For those that don't have Discord, we can actually go in there, either chat with everybody at the same time, like some type of zoom meeting, or we could, like, chat, like, where it's just me and Mike reacting to videos, and we can also call someone into the chat that's in the chat. It's no cost. You just follow the Discord. That'd be in the link below. So you Know, hit us up, man.

[Host]

This Patreon too. We. We go in there, we talk to them at least once a day. We do like a video. I mean, once a.

[Keita]

Once a day.

[Mike]

Yeah. I just want people to know, bro. So you want to know people to know.

[Host]

Okay, go ahead.

[Mike]

You gotta stop making yourself miserable or I'm gonna start thinking that you're making yourself miserable on purpose. I feel like there's people that are like, very optimistic. Okay, you got two different people, right? Both of them get in a car crash. One of them get out of the car crash. Like, man, thank God I'm alive, man. This car. I'm just glad I'm here, you know? And they just appreciate life. Then you got the other person. Why the this happened to me, you know what I'm saying? Like, it's all pessimistics and stuff. So I need. Which I need you to do is like, sometimes life is going to nut in your face. I need you to get.

[Host]

That's such a crazy analogy.

[Mike]

I feel like that's the only analogy to like, get them to stop being miserable like you. You just got nutted on, bro.

[Host]

Some people want to get nutted on.

[DJ]

Huh?

[Host]

Some people want to get nutted on.

[Pat]

Exactly.

[Mike]

They want to be miserable.

[Host]

No, that.

[Pat]

Is, that.

[Host]

Is that miserable? Huh? Is that miserable? Getting nutted on? Is it? I'm just saying there's some people that want that.

[Mike]

That I. I understand that.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Mike]

But I'm talking to the people that. That hit home with because I just. I'm just hitting you. The thing about cults is you're not going to touch everybody's soul. What I just said. Yeah, that's gonna hurt somebody. You just got nutted on, bro. Get up, bro. Wipe it off.

[Host]

That is so crazy.

[Mike]

Tell them no more.

[Host]

Suck it up and keep going.

[Mike]

Suck it up and keep going is crazy. Come on, man.

[Host]

I saw a thing on Threads, actually. It said question of the day. If your spouse is in a wedding, do you think it's disrespectful for them to be parrot to be paired and walk down an aisle with someone who's single? Do you think it's inappropriate for your spouse to be asked to be in a wedding if you. If you yourself are not asked to escort them? Curious to see how people feel about this subject?

[Cat]

No.

[Mike]

Who wrote that?

[Host]

But I was.

[Mike]

I bet you it is a Britney like that.

[Host]

But I was. When I saw, I was like, no way. People are. This is going to be an actual debate. People are. The replies to this are actually. Are Funny, too, for me is like, what's one? He said, I'm gay, and I walk down the aisle at a wedding with a married lesbian. We're both straight now and expecting our second pair of twins. It's such a slippery slope. I feel like if there's that type of insecurities of seeing your partner walk down the aisle, you got bigger problems.

[Mike]

Some people. Some people live on the edge like that. Some people live in that realm of jealousy like that. I've been around women that you can't even touch another woman when you're around them. Mom, auntie. They don't trust nobody.

[Cat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Because they.

[Cat]

They ex.

[Mike]

Probably didn't somebody close to them. You know how, like, my dog.

[Host]

I feel like some of those stuff like that is, like, very forgettable. Like, I walked. Ice was in a wedding.

[Cat]

Right.

[Host]

I don't even remember the person I walked with.

[Mike]

No, that's some. I don't remember what they look like.

[Host]

I don't remember their name.

[Mike]

I hope they listen to this.

[Keita]

I don't, though.

[Host]

I don't. It's not that it's a bad thing, not remembering the person. That's your remembering.

[Mike]

Do you remember the wedding?

[Host]

I remember the wedding. But that's your boy. But, bro, listen, that's your boy's girl's friend.

[Mike]

That don't matter.

[Host]

How am I supposed to remember who that person is?

[Mike]

You don't know the per. You. You have to get announced with the person, Right?

[Host]

Yeah.

[Mike]

What the. How many weddings have you been a part of? You act like you've been a part

[Host]

of, like, 50 weddings in my adult life.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Host]

One

[DJ]

the.

[Mike]

That don't like weddings.

[Host]

You know the funny part? I think I told this story, but during that wedding, I was before a fight, so I didn't drink or nothing. And I was kind of on a. A diet as well. So I was feeling a little lightheaded when it was time to go, because everybody's eating. The only food they had was, like, really snacky foods. I'm like, I don't really want to eat. I'm just gonna wait till after the wedding. Walked up, we did the little walk, and you're, you know, in the line next to. As they're presenting. I started feeling so lightheaded, bro. I was legit fighting, passing out, because I'm like, bro, imagine his life ain't at the altar while my friend is giving his vows.

[Mike]

You said there's just a viral video that just happened.

[Host]

He passed out.

[Mike]

Somebody passed out. And one of the groomsmen behind him had to lift him back up. He actually got it together for the wedding.

[Gene]

There's no way Mike would be that dramatic at a wedding.

[Mike]

I don't care what happens and who like what you. You better fake a seizure because the. The bride is gonna be mad as. Yeah, that's her day. And you just pass out. And I feel like everybody that pass out, they got to be musty because you dehydrated, right? You gotta stay like, bro, if you dehydrated, you stink.

[Host]

No, that's not a privilege.

[Mike]

That time he was dehydrated.

[DJ]

Boy.

[Host]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I saw this debate going on on the Internet was saying, what would you consider the four major cities in America? Okay, so I would like to just hear everybody's opinion in America.

[Gene]

New York, Chicago, L.A. and Portland. Right.

[Cat]

Miami.

[Host]

Okay. Yeah. I would say the same thing.

[Mike]

I would say Atlanta.

[Gene]

My bad.

[Mike]

No, I would say right now.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Oh, shit.

[Host]

It's just a. Major cities. Don't just think of just.

[Mike]

I know, but when you say major cities, I feel like the. The point that makes them. Their major city is like they're. They're around other really good cities also. You know what I'm saying? Like, New York is humongous. You know that the LA area is humongous. You can go other places. So that's what makes them great. So I feel like you got to pick one of the Texas cities to make that there, because I feel like I don't. I feel like I don't know Texas over Miami.

[Host]

Whole state, though, huh?

[Mike]

But you got to pick one in there. So I'll pick Houston. Yeah, I would say hous.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Host]

So I. My list was kind of the same as yours said.

[Gene]

Texas.

[Mike]

A whole state. What they doing?

[Host]

He said Texas or Miami.

[Mike]

So I was talking state. I get what you're saying.

[DJ]

You.

[Host]

My list is the same as yours. I think the heavily debated one was Chicago being a major city. And I think for me, for major cities, it really has to do with like, the history. Like, to me, Chicago and I mean, New York and L. A is very. You really can't debate that. Yeah, New York is. New York, LA is LA. That's just it. It is what it is. This is. And then I guess the next two is kind of like where it kind of Chicago. I just think the history. I think most people, if you ask anybody in. In the middle of nowhere, in another country, if you say, name four cities in. In America, I think that's the same. They would name. They'll name Miami they'll name Chicago.

[Mike]

This is an American question, though.

[Host]

Yeah, but I'm. I'm just saying I think for something to be considered a mag. A. A. A major city, it has to be consensus. Like, those are the places I. Anybody can know off the top of their head.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like that's how you. That's how you think about fame. The same way it's like if it's a celebrity or something, it's like the

[Host]

bigger celebrity and what the city is known for. I feel like city got like a.

[Mike]

They make you a for.

[Host]

I got the same as him.

[Mike]

Same as him. M. But the Miami was a debate.

[Host]

I didn't think Chicago was a debate. A little bit too.

[Mike]

I never thought Chicago was a debate. Miami would be the debate for me.

[Host]

Yeah, Miami. To me, Miami would be the debate as well.

[Little]

Yes.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Gene]

I feel like a lot of people would skip over the Midwest and just say Miami and like Houston or something like that.

[Mike]

I get why there's some people that don't like the cold, but I feel like for the major cities, you got to have something that represents the cold and what else than the Windy City, you know what I'm saying?

[Host]

Just the history. I think Michael Jordan. It has a big part making Chicago a major city as well. You know what I mean? I mean, and like just known in the world and the.

[Mike]

All the stars that came from that. Like, what is Oprah from there.

[Host]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

You know what I'm saying?

[Host]

Kanye.

[Mike]

Yeah, Kanye. Like all the stars. That. That's what I think that's what makes. I think that's what makes I feel like Atlanta. That's what makes Atlanta so popular. Not what's actually around Atlanta, but the talent that Atlanta is.

[Host]

Yeah, I consider. I consider Atlanta a popular city. I want to consider a major city right now.

[Gene]

Yeah, I get.

[Mike]

It's hard to say I was considered a major city. You've gotta fly through it. That's where all that.

[Host]

Okay, it's a major city. But I would. Because in the top four, I wouldn't consider it comparable to.

[Mike]

It's in the next four, though, for sure.

[Host]

Yes.

[Cat]

Easily.

[Host]

As long as people make a list. When people make a list, they just have their cut off. Like, nah, nothing else can be considered.

[Mike]

But, you know, some people look at these debates differently. Some people look at it as like what they would like to do. So if, like, if somebody was ranking in cities, like major cities, they might have Miami two or three just because they like the beach.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Pat]

You know what?

[Mike]

I'm saying just like. And like, people that don't like the cold, they not going to put Chicago in that motherfucker. But I tell you one thing, Detroit on the rise, bro. It's some cities that's on the rise and there's some cities that are very, like, overrated.

[Host]

What do you think?

[Mike]

I will say that. I won't say what city is like. I'm not going to do that because I don't want to diss a whole group of people.

[Host]

Yeah. But I think LA can be overrated at times. But I think it depends about your LA experience as well.

[Mike]

If you have no connections, LA can be very overrated.

[Cat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

If you think you're going there because New York, obviously you can. Somebody could drop you in the middle of a nice part of New York and you can go have fun.

[Host]

Yeah. You can get anywhere la.

[Gene]

Have y'.

[DJ]

All.

[Gene]

Y' all been to Vegas?

[Host]

Yes. Yeah. But for. Completely.

[Gene]

Yeah, I feel like that one's like a. I don't know, like, it's kind of overrated. But, you know, it's all.

[Host]

It is getting overrated now because. Because I think there's. They're. They're already saying tourism is down in. In Vegas. Like, like, crazy percentage. Yeah.

[Mike]

Because it's expensive as.

[Host]

Everything's just expensive to do.

[Mike]

But that. But that's the thing, like, if it depends on how much money you got with the major cities, it's all perspective and, like, what you can get to. You know, somebody's saying like, a carnival cruise right now. Wherever the carnival cruise take me, that's a major city. Tampa. A major city. Y' all sleeping on Tampa.

[Host]

I saw a video on Instagram and it was talking about these condoms that change color when an STD is detected.

[Keita]

And

[Host]

the thing about those is that I still believe that if a dude, which whoever has it, if he puts it on, right, and he's having sex with a girl and stuff like that, I think if it changes color, that dude is still gonna keep going a thousand percent.

[Gene]

You got the condom on.

[Mike]

Yeah, but to most things. Not me. I'm stopping, I'm taking the condom off and I'm tossing it in her face. I said, what the. But most dudes are going to take that as a W. Yeah, I knew it. And then keep going. I wouldn't catch you.

[Host]

Because I feel like that that only benefits the. The guy for knowing, in a sense. Because I feel like the guys, they would already know. I feel like if, you know, if you're buying that type of condom, it

[Mike]

should change color for the guys, too.

[Host]

It's already changing colors, wouldn't it?

[Mike]

Yeah. Yeah, I would think. Yeah. That's funny as hell. The girl like, no, put it on. No, let's just have sex with it. No, put it on.

[Pat]

Yep.

[Mike]

Neon green, just like I thought. Gonorrhea is there, going in the darkness. Neon green is gonorrhea.

[Host]

Nah, it's changing a different color for the different ones.

[Gene]

Or they just sell, like, test strips.

[DJ]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

[Host]

Finding out in the moment is so up.

[Mike]

Oh, wait, wait. You trying to figure out, like, what color it is?

[Guest Female]

Is.

[Mike]

It's like, bro, I never seen that color before. The girl like, I never seen that color before. What's teal? Oh, it's all the way at the bottom. Oh, it say, it's musty. Your dick stick.

[Host]

It said fungus.

[Mike]

Actually, you're not even on the STD list.

[Host]

It just.

[Mike]

It just say little on

[Host]

says enter again. Error.

[Pat]

Error.

[Host]

Is it in yet?

[Caller]

No.

[Cat]

No.

[Host]

No penis detected. No penis. Crazy.

[Mike]

Npd. Npd.

[Host]

The why does it get say npd.

[Mike]

That's crazy.

[Host]

All right.

[Mike]

Okay, so I got a question for you. How do you leave a party?

[Host]

How do I leave a party personally?

[Mike]

Yeah,

[Host]

I kind of. I'll say by the. Like, the person that's. Maybe if it's somebody hosting the party, I'll make sure to either get connected with him and be like, I always got to get the dap up first. Right? And not. I'm not really saying, like, I'm leaving from right here. I was like, hey, bro, I'm about to bounce. I'm about to. About to leave.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Host]

And they blah, bro. All right.

[DJ]

Boom, boom.

[Host]

But I don't let him come in for a hug, right? You just kind of keep it. Because you got to keep it very cordial and, like, low key. Because he give you the dap and then the hug, the embrace. That means, like, everybody else know you leaving. Yeah. So just a quick diet. Hey, bro. Or I would say something like, I'll see you tomorrow or some like that.

[Mike]

Oh, we the opposite, bro. I'm shaking everybody in that twice. My, my,

[Cat]

my.

[Mike]

You still got that business. Tell me more about it. Like, bro, you said you was leaving the hour.

[Host]

I was leaving for real this time. Cat is the worst person to try to get to leave a party, bro. Never want to go home.

[Mike]

But it's like, to me, because I love conversation, but it's also. I'm now in control of the conversation.

[Host]

Yeah, you cut it off.

[Mike]

You know, I gotta leave.

[DJ]

Yeah.

[Mike]

But I still want to talk about you and know what's going on with you. You. So I'm gonna hit you up like, yo, like let's have a conversation right now. Hey, man, how the boxing going?

[Host]

Pretty good.

[Mike]

Like, you got a match coming up? No, no, you got no match coming up. What happened with your last opponent?

[Host]

He dropped out.

[Mike]

All right, bro, I see you later.

[Host]

But the thing is that I suck. Just see how dry that conversation was.

[Mike]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Host]

I suck.

[Mike]

Why do you start. I hate when you, every time you say suck, you got like, it's like in your brain.

[Host]

I'm terrible about keeping conversations going sometimes that I'm not really in. Especially when it's small talk and you know you're never going to talk to this person again. It gets awkward because I don't ask any like follow up questions. So it'd be like, just like that, you know, like you asked me, when's your next boxing match? Now like, like that. And they would be quiet like that because I'm not giving anything back.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Host]

So it just becomes awkward and be like, all right, then I gotta go type of.

[Mike]

Yeah. If I know I'm never gonna talk to a person again, that's probably gonna be my longest conversation of the night.

[Host]

No, I love it.

[Mike]

I'd be like, damn, this dude telling me about his family. I'm about to ghost the out this thing. I'm follow you back, bro. Because I think, yeah, you already got your Instagram. How you get my Instagram? Mutuals, bro. I've been finding your bro.

[Keita]

Don't worry.

[Host]

I hate when somebody follows you. Like when you give them the ig and they follow you. Like when you're still in the party without actually talking to you.

[DJ]

Yeah.

[Host]

You just see them falling and you look up. It's like that looked like that person. I just walked by.

[Mike]

I with those people, though. Those people real. They let you know, hey, I'm talking about you right now.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Mike]

To my crew. Hey, I just met a over there. He box. He boring as but. And he got a podcast.

[Host]

If someone tells you like they're gonna be if somebody tells you they're gonna be somewhere 10:30ish, right. What time does the ish actually end? If it's 10:30 ish.

[Mike]

If it says gonna end 10:30 ish, or start 10:30,

[Host]

either one.

[Mike]

That's a difference.

[Host]

Is it?

[Mike]

Yeah. You say something gonna start 10:30ish. I know you, you might need a little bit time. Basically you saying, don't come at 10:30.

[Host]

Yeah, right.

[Mike]

If you say it's gonna end 10:30ish, that's like a hint. Like, come on, bro. Like, make sure you out by 10:30. Like, I'm giving you 10:30ish, but I'm saying 10:30 because I want you to leave type. That's when it's really gonna feel that. You know what I'm saying?

[Gene]

Personally, though, I would give it like a. Yeah, 15 minutes before or after.

[Host]

Is that ish? 15 minutes?

[Gene]

15 to, like, 30, I guess.

[Host]

Because if you say with grace. If you say I'm gonna be there 10:30ish, and you get there at 11, that's.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Host]

Is that still 10:30ish?

[Mike]

Yeah. I mean, it depends on who you with. Because if you with me, my. You say 10:30 ish, I'm showing up at 11:30. Now. Now you just push my right now. I can't trust you.

[Pat]

What's the deal going on?

[Mike]

I got a question for you. You bullishing already? Let's get this over with. All right. What's the strangest thing you've ever spent your money on?

[Pat]

Ah, I'm gonna have to say that. That vibrating toilet seat, my boy.

[Mike]

The what?

[Pat]

The vibrating toilet seat, bro.

[Host]

Like, it wasn't heated Nothing, bro. It wasn't heated nothing. Just vibrating is all it does.

[Pat]

Ah, bro. Just shaking, bro.

[Caller]

Cheeks jiggling, bro.

[Pat]

That's it. What?

[Mike]

But, like, okay, how did you get sold this? Where did you buy it at? And then why did you buy it, I guess is the question.

[Pat]

All right. I'm from South Carolina, man. Me and my old lady, we moved to Georgia, up towards Buckhead. So I'm walking around the mall. There's a little Asian lady. She got like, the little. Little sample seats. You can sit in they shape. And then she ended up telling me that they got some stuff that you can take home. Hand me this pamphlet. And it's a little vibrating toilet seat. So I ordered me one, told lady about it, gave it a try, been lit ever since, bro.

[Mike]

Wait, you still have this toilet seat?

[Pat]

Oh, yeah. I just used it about 15 minutes ago.

[Mike]

Okay, okay, okay. This is my next question. Just out of curiosity, what does it do for you? Exactly like that. You love it so much.

[Pat]

I mean, besides the comfort, it kind of. Let's say. Let's say you struggling to get a, you know, get a little turd out, bro. It actually helps you, bro. Say you got a turtle head, bro. It's getting about halfway. You know, you had a lot of protein that day. You've been struggling to get it out. It's got different levels, bro. You put it on low, that ain't coming out. Crank that up a notch. Guarantee it's coming out.

[Mike]

No way.

[Pat]

You don't need no laxative. No, none of that, bro. You got a vibrating toast.

[Mike]

You literally got a toilet seat to shake the out you. It's crazy.

[Pat]

Good investment.

[Host]

Have you ever used it when it wasn't any of those scenarios that you mentioned?

[Pat]

I mean, I ain't trying to get freaky on y', all, but.

[Host]

Yeah, that's what I'm trying to say. Like, is it a pleasure thing then? If it's, like, not.

[Pat]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Mike]

Oh, you say, oh, he'd be sitting on the edge of the seat. Okay, I get it. When he bought it, your wife be catching you not sitting all the way on the toilet. Babe, why you keep sitting on the edge of the seat? Seat to poo.

[Pat]

Hey, she be doing it too, bro. Don't knock it till you try it.

[Mike]

Nah, I'm good. Wait, so wait. So how many bathrooms you got at your place?

[Pat]

We got two, but, I mean, I ain't gonna put one in my kids room. That's crazy.

[Mike]

Well, okay, so. So nobody allowed to use your bathroom?

[Pat]

Oh, no. Even when the homeboys come over, bro, I'll take that off. I keep a tool set by the toilet, bro.

[Mike]

You say, okay, nobody use. You and your wife. The only ones that ever use a vibrate toilet it in your house.

[Pat]

The only one, bro.

[Mike]

Man, that's.

[Host]

I feel like that is an instant, though.

[Mike]

That literally make me want to break in this house and use that, bro.

[Host]

I think that's a strange thing put on a guest, though, huh? That'd be a strange thing to put in your guest bathroom.

[Mike]

Just threaten to shoot me over toilet seat.

[Pat]

I already know how you get down pat. I ain't going.

[DJ]

What?

[Pat]

That wasn't cheap neither, bro.

[Mike]

No, no, I'm good.

[Pat]

I'm not.

[Host]

Nah, we're good, though.

[Mike]

No, we good. But appreciate the, like, the sales pitch

[Host]

that you gave us. He probably worked for them trying to get.

[Mike]

That's for real pyramid scheme, man.

[Pat]

I'm still making payments, bro. 30amonth.

[Mike]

Wait, how much was it?

[Pat]

About 350.

[Host]

God damn.

[Mike]

I see why you ain't let nobody use that.

[Pat]

Hell, no. That made out of gold, bro.

[Host]

All right, man. You have a good one.

[Mike]

I appreciate you.

[Pat]

All right, man. I just want to say, man, yesterday, I swear to God, I listen to our podcast every single day. Yesterday, I've actually went through Every single episode twice, bro. I just finished every single episode twice yesterday. That boy's hilarious.

[Host]

Nah, that's crazy. Holy.

[Gene]

Like that's impossible.

[Mike]

No. Touch some grass, please.

[Pat]

I'm a welder, bro. So. I'm a welder. So 10 hours a day, that's all I do is listen to y'. All.

[Mike]

As long as you paying attention, don't weld your dick off, bro.

[Host]

Why is it open the dick.

[Pat]

All right. Go get y' all that toilet, man.

[DJ]

All right, bro.

[Host]

Appreciate you.

[Mike]

Hey, send the link, bro.

[Pat]

What's up?

[Mike]

Send the link.

[Pat]

I got you, bro.

[Host]

Yo, what up, what up, what up? How's your day going, man?

[Cat]

Hey, I'm good, man, I'm good. How about y'?

[Pat]

All?

[Host]

That's all right. That's just a one way question. I got a question for you though. What's up? What's something that annoys you that shouldn't?

[Cat]

Man, still wearing boxes in 2025 is crazy, bro.

[Host]

Like, are you saying like boxers in general or just like not wearing like boxer briefs or something like that?

[Cat]

No, like, like, like, like I feel like as grown man, everybody should been converted to breeze by now, bro. You shouldn't still be wearing Brock, bro.

[Host]

The loose fitting boxes.

[Mike]

Yeah. Worried about another man is crazy.

[Host]

What's your beef with loose fitting boxers, man?

[Cat]

I don't know, man. It's just like that. Just too loose, man. Like you all sweaty, it ain't catching. And then that's what it got my Craig fired. That ain't still in the boxes. And I mean.

[Mike]

Wait, what?

[Cat]

Whatever bro.

[Mike]

Name was your boxers or boxes? What is he talking about?

[Host]

Boxers, Boxers. Like the draws?

[Mike]

No, he got fired for stealing boxes.

[Host]

I thought it was box. I thought he's talking about the draws.

[Mike]

Anywho you talking about? So why do it? Why does it matter if another man's dick is loose? Unless that concerns you.

[Cat]

I mean, that's they business. I'm just saying like, I just feel as a grown man, you should be wearing boxes almost.

[Host]

Wearing loose boxes is kind of crazy.

[Mike]

It is crazy.

[Host]

I just think it's just like. What? It's just a lot. That's a lot of wedgies.

[Gene]

I mean, when I was younger, I used to like want to upgrade to boxers. I thought briefs were like exactly in reverse.

[Mike]

It was the opposite.

[Gene]

Tidy whitey's briefs boxes.

[Host]

No, if you were. I don't know. I'll judge you if you're wearing tidy whiteies though.

[Gene]

I'm talking about.

[Host]

No, no, I know. I'm just saying now though.

[Cat]

Yeah. No, you know the key. You shouldn't be wearing tidy wadies, bro.

[Host]

What's your message? What's your message to everybody wearing loose boxers right now, man?

[Cat]

Just gonna upgrade, bro. Get out of that kitty ass. It's not the early 2000s, late 90s no more, bro.

[Mike]

Okay, do you want them to put the bot, the new draws on in front of you or.

[Cat]

No, they ain't got to do that. I ain't asked for all that. I just told them they're just out of style. They're just out of style.

[Mike]

I ain't say I want to poop.

[Host]

I just said boxes is out of style.

[DJ]

Now,

[Host]

Dick, we ask the questions, bro. You got it, bro.

[Caller]

All right.

[Host]

You have a good one.

[Mike]

Give me that tight.

[Keita]

Dick.

[DJ]

What the. What's going on?

[Mike]

You said all that.

[Little]

Hello.

[Mike]

What's up?

[Little]

What's good?

[Host]

What up? What up?

[Mike]

What's the deal? I had a question for you. All right, go ahead. Get right to a question. You sound kind of boring. All right, Name something that you do that people might think is weird here.

[Little]

I stand up to wipe my ass.

[Host]

People don't do that. Wait, y' all, sit down and watch your.

[Little]

Okay, so I'm not the only one.

[Host]

No, no, no. I do that, too. I.

[Mike]

Man, I feel like I do. I feel like I do, like, a halfway stand.

[Gene]

It's a crouch.

[Mike]

Yeah. It's like. I'm also definitely not sitting down.

[Host]

What you talking about?

[Little]

I'm talking about standing, like, straight up,

[Mike]

but your cheeks clenching together if you standing up. So how are you wiping?

[Little]

Listen, I don't know. I don't know where it started at or, like. But as long as I can remember, I've been standing up and I've tried to, like, crouch over a little bit, but I ain't gonna lie. I just kind of. I grabbed my cheek with one hand, and the other hand. I got toilet tissue

[DJ]

that's up.

[Host]

Spreading your own cheeks. Micro ass is crazy, bro.

[DJ]

Wow. Standing up.

[Mike]

No, not the. I heard of the money spread. Not the ass spread, though. Oh, my God. He opened the cheeks up. It's crazy.

[Host]

Oh, man. When did you discover that? When did you discover that it was, like, not a common thing then? Because obviously you.

[Caller]

You.

[Host]

When I. I kind of agree with you at the beginning, but I do a little crouch thing, too, though, but I heard that when I was in high school. Go ahead.

[Little]

When I was in high school, we started talking, like, randomly about it one day, and everybody looked at me like,

[Mike]

are you talking about what everybody else say they do?

[Little]

They said they just kind of. You said just kind of lean over, crouch over. But what really did it for me was my ex. A couple years ago, we had finally got to the stage where we was like, you know, chilling up to like walk into the bathroom and stuff. And it was the first time she seen me taking a. And she walked in and I was standing up watching my ass. And she said, what the fuck are you doing?

[Pat]

Okay.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Host]

That's such a word.

[Mike]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's just. I'm trying to like get the picture. Not a crazy picture. Yeah, but are you standing straight? Like your back is straight or do you have like a slight bend to your back?

[Gene]

Like.

[Mike]

I'm trying to understand it.

[Little]

I mean, I'm still. I'm standing straight up. I do kind of. I kind of been a little big. So it does spread a little bit.

[Mike]

Nobody asked you for that last part. Nobody asked you for a spread part, bro.

[Little]

You asked me about standing straight up.

[Pat]

Or do I.

[Mike]

He has to go. He has to go. He has to go front to back in that position.

[DJ]

No, you can't go front.

[Host]

No, you gotta go.

[Mike]

But no, he has to go front to back.

[Host]

You.

[DJ]

So you be getting on your forearm.

[Host]

You have to go. I don't know what's front? What's front?

[Mike]

The front is the gooch to the back.

[Host]

So what's the back?

[DJ]

The back is from the.

[Mike]

I don't know. Who wiped the crack to the balls? No, the crack to balls is crazy.

[Gene]

That's the balls.

[DJ]

No.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Cat]

I don't know.

[DJ]

Shitty balls.

[Host]

No, he's not trying to think of how I.

[Mike]

No, you definitely go front to back. I hope so.

[Little]

Yeah, I go from the back. No, I do.

[Host]

So it's front. It's back. Like from the down, right?

[Mike]

Back.

[Host]

Back is down.

[Mike]

Back is going back to what?

[DJ]

Camera.

[Host]

Where's the back starting position?

[DJ]

The back starting position is the down right. Yes, down.

[Host]

But back to front. Yeah, that's the way people should. Right?

[Mike]

Wait, no, front to back.

[Little]

Wait.

[DJ]

Front to back is from the glutes.

[Host]

You have to do your hand like this.

[Mike]

The back is the exit.

[Gene]

That way Up. Your back.

[Mike]

Back is that way.

[DJ]

The back is the.

[Mike]

Is this way.

[Gene]

I can't. I don't know.

[Mike]

So like people. People lift their ass up and go this way. No, you got to go back the other way.

[Host]

I think I go back to front.

[DJ]

So you start from the crack.

[Mike]

No, that's front to back.

[DJ]

That's front to back.

[Mike]

That's front to back.

[DJ]

Cuz you start from the gooch and then go.

[Mike]

Wait, wait. So let me see.

[Pat]

Go ahead.

[Mike]

Which way you go? Oh, you about to up. Listen, I'mma let you know. Don't answer this question on the thing. Why? Because I'm so afraid, cuz, bro, if you go. Go back to Gooch, bro, they gonna cook you. Really?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[DJ]

You got shitty balls.

[Mike]

I mean, you guys, you getting on your gooch.

[Caller]

I always.

[Host]

But the thing about with showers, I mean, with taking a. I always do take a before I shower.

[DJ]

So you.

[Gene]

But still, man wipes, too.

[Host]

Yeah, and I got man wipes.

[Mike]

Yeah, you got man wipes. You want to try to avoid the mess. Honestly, just because you got a mop don't mean you just be wetting your floor.

[Gene]

This might be too much information, but once I started using man wipes, I started doing both directions, right?

[Mike]

Because you're just like. You got the power to get it all clean, but still.

[Host]

Okay, back to you.

[Little]

That thing.

[Mike]

That thing doesn't kill you.

[Caller]

Back to you.

[Host]

So how you. How are you?

[Caller]

How you.

[Host]

How you wiping?

[Little]

I'm going. I'm going front to back.

[Mike]

He's fine with that. That's not the problem. The problem is that this is grabbing a cheek and spreading it one hand.

[Host]

That's the wild part.

[Mike]

That's wild. Also all.

[DJ]

Also.

[Host]

I don't think I've ever been that comfor. Comfortable enough to take a. And not lock the door. Yeah. My girl home.

[DJ]

All seasons of, like, even if you have diarrhea, you standing up too.

[Little]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

All seasons of all.

[Pat]

Right, bro.

[Mike]

A very interesting.

[Host]

All right, bro, have a good one.

[Mike]

All seasons. I With that.

[Caller]

The hard.

[Mike]

The software, the diarrhea that like, it was Avatar States.

[Host]

Yo, yo, what up?

[DJ]

What up?

[Caller]

What's.

[Mike]

What's.

[Host]

We got a question for you. What's up?

[Caller]

Hey, little.

[Host]

Oh, my God. You always going to get the last word. Go ahead.

[Mike]

It's your show, bro.

[Host]

No, go ahead, host, bro. We're tired.

[Caller]

Anyway.

[Host]

Anyway. What's something that annoys you that shouldn't.

[Caller]

Something that annoys me that shouldn't is when you be out with, you know, somebody, and y' all out for dinner, and this gonna grab the same exact thing that I grabbed. So, like, I got this one homie that I usually be popping out with, and I put him onto this one little Italian spot. Cool, right? This thing is like, oh, what's good? What's good?

[Guest Female]

He be.

[Caller]

He be asking, like, you know, this looks good, this Italian stuff. I'm like, okay, let me order. I'm a simple Guy grab a chicken parm. I grab it with a little extra mozzarella. Little secret. Secret that I have too. I ain't even gonna put it out. It's his turn, and he gonna be like, oh, you know what? Just do the same exact thing as him. Like, damn, be original.

[Host]

I feel it to a certain extent. Because if. If I bring you to a restaurant, you gotta at least change something on your plate. We're not. Don't say the same thing. Like, get. We. Sometimes we get the same thing, but you get like a spice level, like, different than mine.

[Mike]

Nah.

[Host]

Or you ask for different, right. Or you'll modify it.

[Mike]

Hey, pipe down, Little. The host was just talking.

[Gene]

Hold on.

[Mike]

But no, I. If that's not your date, like, if I'm on a date with my girl, she gets the same thing. Yeah, as me. Now I'm mad because we can try each other food.

[Host]

Yeah, I. I get mad.

[Mike]

Your food does not. My friend's food does not concern me. Unless y' all feeding each other or some.

[Caller]

Is that what you're telling me this trying to say? Nah, my. I'm just at least like, have.

[Pat]

Like.

[Gene]

This.

[Cat]

This.

[Mike]

No, that's what you just said.

[DJ]

This.

[Caller]

Hey, Pat be definitely ordering the same as Mike from time to time, bro. I know. I know he'd be doing it. Matter of fact, I know.

[Little]

I know.

[Caller]

I know you'd be going out shopping with this, grabbing the same exact T shirt.

[Host]

I think.

[Mike]

I think you got a lot of the boys.

[Host]

We definitely ordered the same thing before.

[Mike]

Not that you got some little parasocial like you think. You and our friend group.

[Caller]

All right, so y'. All. Y' all could go on dates together and order the same, but. What?

[Mike]

But it's killing me, cuz. You talking to me like you know me or something. I don't like how you doing.

[Cat]

Hey.

[Caller]

Damn. My. I be listening to y' all every

[Mike]

day, and I be lying every day.

[Little]

You a fake ass

[Pat]

snake.

[Mike]

Than you d.

[Caller]

Fake ass.

[Mike]

Yeah. I'mma tell you one time, you a ho.

[Host]

All right, bro.

[Pat]

You have a good one. All right.

[Caller]

Take care, Little.

[Mike]

Yo, what's the deal? Welcome to Crash on Me podcast.

[Keita]

Oh, hey, man. Thank y' all for having me, man. Hey, I'm glad y' all called back, man.

[Host]

Okay.

[Mike]

Was this me?

[Host]

Yeah. We're not sure if we're glad yet, so we'll hold our comment till after the call.

[Mike]

Yeah, true. All right, I got a question for you.

[Pat]

Go ahead.

[Mike]

What's the strangest thing you spent your money on?

[Keita]

So the strangest Thing I actually spent my money on. I was probably about 15 and I bought my dad a dildo as a birthday.

[Host]

You said what?

[Keita]

I bought my dad, My father, I bought him a dildo as a birthday present. So look, let me tell you. Best $20 I ever spent, right? I bought it for him as like a, like a shits and giggles joke. You feel me?

[Host]

That's how you and your dad.

[Keita]

White people. Yeah, yeah, it was pretty funny.

[Host]

Okay, makes sense. Go ahead.

[Keita]

So. So yeah, he didn't know what it was until around hitting the ceiling and sticking on the right. So first, like I brought my mom in her room. She peeped it, she started dying laughing, right? But, but I have a little sister, like bring it out to the living room, you feel me? I don't want her seeing all that. I'm a decently good person. So then, yeah, he saw it. You know, I flinged up on the roof, stuck it up, pretty impressed, Good skills. And then it kind of became like a house pet. It's a. Its name is Griffin, actually, if you were curious at all.

[Mike]

Wait, how, how old are you now?

[Keita]

Me? I'm 21.

[Mike]

The, the dildo's still at your parents

[Keita]

house and the silicone still work that still stick to every surface.

[Host]

Wait, you guys, that thing has you guys stuck up good. You guys kept the dildo.

[Keita]

Yeah, if I'm being honest, I'm pretty sure it's in my little brother's mini fridge.

[Host]

Oh man, like, where did the joke idea come from? I'm just trying to see like the root of this.

[Keita]

Oh, see, you know, I was coming up through puberty. Around that time I had to be no more than 15, 16. So of course, anything that had to do with genitals, well, you know, was ideally funny. So, you know, why not just get a nice white veiny dildo around my white household.

[Mike]

I'm trying to figure. Okay, the problem is not you. You were young. What's like. Like why are your parents keeping a dildo around their house?

[Keita]

Like I said, it's like a house pet. You feel me? It's Griffin. His name is Griffin. We've all named him. It's almost like a house pet.

[Host]

Like what happens like when guests come over? Like, how does that. How's that explained?

[Keita]

It stays in the mini fridge

[Pat]

and

[Host]

nobody ever gets thirsty.

[Keita]

Yeah, no, no, no. They'll be left with a pleasant surprise.

[Mike]

So I'm just glad it's unused, that's all that matter.

[Keita]

Oh yeah. Squeaky clean still from the first day.

[Host]

Virgin or some. You Never know. Where'd you get it from, first of all? And who let you buy that at 15?

[Keita]

Got off a te.

[Mike]

A cheap dildo.

[Host]

All right, man.

[Keita]

Hey, it was a great birthday present.

[Cat]

All right.

[Host]

All right, bro. You have a good one.

[Keita]

Yeah, y' all, too. The auto listeners.

[Mike]

He that up. Say it again. Wagon.

[Pat]

How you doing?

[Host]

Good, good, good. I got a question for you. What's. What's something that annoys you but shouldn't?

[Pat]

All right, so one thing that annoys me. I shouldn't. Is when my mother in law comes around, bro, she got that cake for days, and my girl is flatter. Thank you. That's it. Y' all quiet.

[Host]

So when you. You call her your mother in law. So you. This is your. Your wife you're talking about, right?

[Cat]

Beyonce.

[Host]

Fiance.

[Pat]

Okay,

[Host]

my fault, my fault. No, you're good. You're good. Why are you looking at your mother in law's ass like that, bro?

[Pat]

I'm not looking. That is just in my face. It's looking at me.

[Mike]

But how does it get to a point where it annoys you is a question.

[Pat]

I'm not trying to get caught looking. You know what I mean?

[Mike]

Oh, so you saying. I get what you're saying. It's annoying because you got to stay on your p's and Q's.

[Host]

No, no, no. He said. Yeah, he said his girl's ass is flat.

[Mike]

Yes, he's. He's annoyed that his mom's. His mom in law's asses.

[Little]

No, no, no.

[Pat]

Her mom. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Cat]

Her mom.

[Guest Female]

Her mom.

[Mike]

Yeah, you annoy.

[Pat]

No, no, no, no, no, no. It's her. She got the cake for days.

[Mike]

Her mom does.

[Pat]

Her mom does. But my girl is flatter than paper. So she didn't inherit those genes.

[Mike]

That's what I'm saying. But it's annoying that your mom is walking around with that thickness.

[Little]

Her mom?

[Pat]

Her mom.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Mike was trying to say, you know, I was trying to be on my P's and Q's, so I gotta look up, look at the wall, look at, you know, paper, random. You know what I mean?

[Mike]

I mean, or you could just get it over with and just tell everybody.

[Host]

So does it annoy you? Does it annoy you because she didn't inherit her mom's genes for an ass?

[Pat]

Yeah, low key, Low key. But, you know, sometimes when the mom comes around, I gotta get up, walk out the room.

[Host]

Is that bad?

[Mike]

Oh, you know what that means?

[Pat]

What?

[Mike]

That means that technically your girlfriend has her dad's ass. And that's what you touch every day a replica of her dad's ass.

[Pat]

Oh, that might be true. That might be true.

[Host]

Nah, you should love your girl, bro.

[Pat]

Flat as do I do, you know? That's why I'm not trying to, like, you know, make her feel bad.

[Host]

It's not. It's one thing. Yeah, you said flat as paper. I'm pretty sure that. I'm pretty sure that's gonna make her feel bad.

[Mike]

He like, dad booty, bro.

[Host]

But that's what you attracted to. That's what she got you with that paper ass.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

She knows she's a double personality. You know, she's a little white girl. And she knows my history. My history was, you know, those Spanish girls. You know what I mean?

[Mike]

Oh, so you got it.

[Little]

All right.

[Host]

Okay.

[Pat]

She knows of my history. Yeah. Yeah.

[Mike]

So it don't sound like. It don't sound like she should be your fiance. It sound like you just took whoever would take you at the time.

[Pat]

She's a good girl.

[Mike]

No, you talking about. You're talking about her like she attempt job or some.

[Pat]

Nah, man, she's good. She's good, but she's. Like I said, I wasn't expecting her mom to have the cake like that. You know what I mean?

[Mike]

What's your message to her mom?

[Pat]

If you can give her one, Please stay around. Please stay away from me.

[Mike]

Both, huh?

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Host]

It right?

[Pat]

A little bit. Yeah, a little bit.

[Cat]

All right.

[Pat]

Y' all have a good one.

[DJ]

All right.

[Guest Female]

Hello.

[Host]

How's it going?

[Guest Female]

I'm good. And you?

[Host]

Pretty good.

[Caller]

Pretty good.

[Host]

I got a question for you.

[Guest Female]

Yes.

[Host]

What's something that you have zero respect for?

[Guest Female]

I would say baby mamas who think that they could still, like, if I'm dating your baby daddy and you think you could still him, it's kind of crazy.

[Mike]

Okay, how many, like, are you, like, the baby daddy slayer or something? How many, like, how many times you've been in this situation?

[Guest Female]

This was my first time being in the situation, but it was a baby mama I didn't know about. Like, I knew about two of the baby mamas. Come to find out, it was like, four baby mamas.

[Mike]

God damn.

[DJ]

Damn.

[Mike]

I want to.

[Host]

You're a strong soul. You are a very, like, understanding person. Because two baby daddies. I mean, two baby moms with one person, it's like, that's kind of a lot to deal with. That's a lot. That's a lot to enter with.

[Mike]

No, that's.

[Gene]

That.

[Mike]

That's not good. How long did it take you to figure that out?

[Guest Female]

He told me off rip so, like, I don't have any kids, so I know that sounds even more crazy, but it was worth it, I can tell you that. It was worth it.

[Mike]

Got it. But I'm just saying. How long did you. Did it take you to find out the next two.

[Guest Female]

Oh, so you know when this T app came out, he got posted and come to find out it was the third baby mama.

[Host]

So he was cheating and he had two other baby mamas.

[Guest Female]

No. So the third baby mama, the baby was already born. The baby was born at the same time. The last first, like, from the second baby mama.

[Caller]

I'm.

[Mike]

I'm so confused on which baby mama, but that don't even matter.

[Cat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

So when did you find out about the fourth one? So you found out the third through the T app. Then the fourth one came from where?

[Guest Female]

The. The third baby mama, she told me because she was like, oh, my God, I can't believe you're messing with him. He got a newborn and I was like, well, I've been messing with him for four years, so.

[Host]

Oh, he got crazy.

[Mike]

He got a newborn and you've been messing with him four years? I'm not that good at math, but

[Host]

yes, he wasn't cheating.

[Mike]

Okay, look, look.

[Guest Female]

The last year, the last of the fourth year was kind of like on and off. And that's when the. The newborn was created.

[Cat]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

Only thing on and off is him on and off his baby mama. So you gotta.

[Host]

Honestly. So when you found. Thankfully, you know, when you found out

[Guest Female]

I left with no kids.

[Host]

Yeah, that's true.

[Mike]

Well, in your st.

[Guest Female]

But you did right.

[Mike]

No, you put him in the right spot.

[Host]

So when you found out, did you continue messing with him or was that like the final straw for you?

[Guest Female]

That was the final straw. But, like, I started. He told me not to say anything to her, but she started talking to me crazy. It was like, oh, I just messed with him last week, so me. I would be petty with you. So I was like, oh, me too. And she was like, oh, how could he have been there with you if he was here with me? And I was like, I don't think so. I just. Them last week, like.

[Mike]

So this is baby mama number three you arguing with right now?

[Guest Female]

Yes.

[Mike]

And you didn't even go through baby number. Baby mama number one. She's not doing it in the correct order. You can't skip right to level three.

[Host]

So.

[Guest Female]

Well, baby mama number three was the most drama.

[Host]

I feel it. So back to your first and come

[Guest Female]

to find out, we Were in this. We're in the same city. Like, we're in the same city and never came across each other.

[Host]

Okay, so back to. Back to. Your first statement was the thing that you have zero respect for is that baby mamas that think they could. Their baby daddies, even though you're with them.

[Guest Female]

Yeah, because, like, why would you think that if he wanted to you he would go back and you.

[Pat]

But he don't want you?

[Guest Female]

Like, he literally sitting here telling me he don't want you, and you're over here in my ear like, oh, I could do it. I could do it. Okay, then come get him.

[Mike]

So you believe he's saying.

[Host]

No, I don't believe the magazine because

[Mike]

she said there was. So he's basically saying every time he had a kid on you because how old are his kids?

[Guest Female]

He only had one kid on me, so that was the newborn.

[Mike]

But he also lied about having the newborn and the two baby mamas. So that's strike two.

[Guest Female]

No, he lied about the third baby mama. I knew about one and two. I didn't know about three and four. Three and four. Three was actually around before me and him. But he just didn't claim the kid.

[Mike]

I'm just saying.

[Pat]

But you.

[Mike]

Are you grouping three and four together as one mistake. You a very forgiving person. She said baby mama, same name.

[Host]

But the other thing is that you're saying that she said that. That he could. She could him anytime or he didn't want her. Stuff like that. But he did want her because he went and had sex with her.

[Guest Female]

Yeah. When they had the kid. But he ain't her sis. And the kid was like, for it.

[Mike]

So why is he. Why is he on a T app then? Why she put him on a T?

[Guest Female]

Because she. Because she wants him and she don't want nobody else. She's like the. The overseer of the baby mamas. Like, she want to know what he's doing down the street.

[Mike]

So she's trying to figure out how much money you got in your bank account.

[Caller]

Amount.

[Host]

What the.

[Mike]

Regardless of the number, would you be willing to bet that amount of money that he wasn't the third baby mama when he was with.

[Host]

You

[Mike]

bet at all? If you wrong, no. You got nothing.

[Guest Female]

No, I bet he was because I ended up finding out that he was cheating on me. Like, I want to say within, like, the first two years.

[Mike]

Oh, you don't say.

[Guest Female]

You know, but it wasn't with a baby mama. It was a whole different way.

[Host]

Yes, that's a difference.

[Mike]

I wasn't With a different. That's going. That's number five right there. You just don't know.

[Host]

Oh, man.

[Guest Female]

N. In the picture, she showed me a text message, and she took the plan B pill, so.

[Mike]

Oh, at this point. At this point, like, he don't even respect you enough to be in his starting lineup. You literally like the assistant coach.

[Guest Female]

Like, I don't want to be in a certain lineup.

[Mike]

Come on now.

[Guest Female]

Five kids, right?

[Mike]

Five kids. I think.

[Guest Female]

I just think four baby mamas.

[Mike]

You don't want to get you pregnant. I don't know.

[Pat]

He like, I don't want to get pregnant.

[Guest Female]

No. By the grace of God, he been sparing me.

[Mike]

Wait, wait, wait. He been spared. Wait, you still talk to this dude?

[Guest Female]

No, I'm saying by other people as well. Okay, Well, I mean, I talk to him when I want to talk to him and be like, wow, you got four baby mamas and five kids. You must be a idiot.

[Mike]

Oh, you still hit him up.

[Host]

Oh, you still want.

[Mike]

You want?

[Host]

Not like that. No, I get it. But that. That line of communication is still open. So he's just like one drunk night away or. Or one sad day away from like,

[Mike]

hey, she probably got number 5 jersey on right now. I know what you want to do.

[Guest Female]

Never, never, never.

[Mike]

That two guard spot. Oh, she want that.

[Guest Female]

I can't go outside like that. I ain't got no kids.

[Host]

I feel it. All right, you have a good one.

[Guest Female]

You too.

[Caller]

All right.

[Mike]

Okay. So there to start my tweet of the week is actually audio tweet that I found. I'm not sure where they got the audio. They might have got it from Tick tock. But there was this guy that made a skit about Hawaiian Punch. And you grew up with Hawaiian Punch, too, right, Gene?

[Gene]

Yes, sir.

[Mike]

You had it before. And obviously I'm not gonna ruin a video, but we know what our complaint about Hawaiian Punch has always been. So just play the video, though.

[Host]

I wonder what your complaint was.

[Mike]

It's in the video.

[Host]

I didn't want to ruin this. I feel. I feel like it. Gentlemen, I present to you the drink that's going to revolutionize the beverage industry research and developments and over samples this morning. Please have a taste. This is syrup. It's weird. I can see the ice cubes in it, but when I drink it, it still feels room temperature. I've almost drank the entire glass, but I'm still thirsty. Precisely what has been the goal of every drink that you can think of for as long as you can remember. Something that's fun Easy to drink, quenches your thirst. Satisfying. We're going in the opposite direction, doing a complete 180. Making a drink that makes you thirstier. Making a drink that never satiates your thirst. And we plan on selling this by the leader. By the gallon. By the gallon. Only by the gallon. It'll look like the perfect drink when it's stocked on the shelves because there's so much of it. But it won't be the perfect drink because it never satisfies your thirst.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Host]

Think birthday parties, reunions, barbecues, large work meetings. Everybody will want a gallon of Hawaiian Punch. Thinking it'll be the perfect drink to satisfy everybody's thirst. But it's only going to make everybody thirsty. Genius.

[Guest Female]

Genius.

[Mike]

But I just realized that Hawaiian Punch never came in a smaller. Like, they came with those cans and stuff.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Mike]

But it never came in, like, a smaller thing that you could drink.

[Host]

The fruit punch did make you feel thirsty as hell. You have to drink water after drinking that shit.

[Mike]

No, it never quenches your thirst. You're going to keep. Keep drinking that over and over again.

[Gene]

If you bring up fruit punch for, like, Latinos over there, and I don't know if you guys. Tampico.

[Host]

Oh, that dude, Tapico tasted very. What's the word I'm looking for? Thick.

[Mike]

Yeah, like it was something else. Yeah, yeah. No, it's like.

[Gene]

It's like. Yeah, it's like a creamy kind of.

[Mike]

Yeah, it's like creamy juice.

[Gene]

All right.

[Mike]

Della tweeted a week. It was this random dude tweeting, and he said he was responding to something and basically say, if you want to stop being treated like a little brother, stop acting like one. That was in, like, response to somebody else, like, complaining. There's another dude that responded to him, said, Jeff, which is the guy's name that tweeted. What is your ethnic background? I'm deeply interested in calling you a slur.

[Host]

This is being honest.

[Mike]

Yeah, Yeah. I like to find the angle.

[Keita]

Yeah.

[Pat]

This.

[Mike]

What are you.

[Host]

Bro.

[Mike]

Okay. A video is currently going around of a man beating up five women who tried to jump his wife. Most of the women are sharing it and saying he should go to prison because men should never step into a girl's fight.

[DJ]

Men.

[Mike]

If five women jumped your wife, would you jump in?

[Host]

Hey, I'm jumping in.

[Gene]

You have to.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Jumping in and doing what?

[Host]

Breaking up a fight.

[Mike]

Breaking up the fight. Breaking up the fight.

[Host]

Would you say Keith whooping they ass?

[DJ]

I'm not breaking up nothing.

[Host]

It's five of y' all Versus one.

[DJ]

Y' all don't deserve to get broken up after.

[Gene]

I've seen. I've seen. It looks really weird, but I've seen men's like, you know, dudes with his girls, she's getting jumped on and like, they jump on her and, like, cover her up, you know what I'm saying? Like, from getting like, stomped out and like that. Because like, maybe, you know, maybe he. He doesn't want to hit the girls. You know I'm saying, like, he's not trying to like, jump in and like, beat the ass. He just wants to make sure his girl's safe. Maybe he got too many morals.

[Mike]

My thing is, it's just like, okay, I'm only going to try to be the mediator one time. You got one time with me. Like, yo, chill. Because sometimes you see in those situation. You see in the videos that the girls won't touch the boyfriend.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Mike]

The girls are only trying to get the girl. And like, basically it's a dude standing in front. So if it's like that, like, I'm never going to swing first. But, like, if I feel.

[Host]

If.

[Mike]

If two women touch my girl. Yeah, I'm touching two women.

[Host]

That's crazy.

[DJ]

So what you gonna do them, huh?

[Mike]

That's. Whoa. That's so crazy.

[DJ]

It's not, cuz you said if two girls touch my girl, I'm touching them.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[DJ]

So what the does that equivalent to?

[Mike]

I'mma beat their ass? Like, I don't know. Don't touch my girl. All right, so message of the week. All right. That I got from a listener. All right, so we'll try to do this once a week. I'm trying not to encourage a lot of messages, but I see it doesn't matter what I do, so. Okay, okay. Somebody messaged me and said basically they had an idea. They say Crash Dummies podcast, Tidy Whities. Pre Stain. Call him Pat Smear.

[Host]

Yeah, that person needs. Any person needs. Jesus, bro.

[Mike]

They need help, bro.

[Pat]

Who.

[DJ]

Who would the stain come from, though?

[Mike]

That's what I'm. They said Pre staying, so.

[DJ]

So everybody gotta. Gotta stain the tidy whitey.

[Mike]

Yeah, just pass them on. Like, nah, everybody. Hey, Mike, I ain't get the underwear this week. No, they just doing. They just pushing out my scent this month. They gonna do yours next month. Didn't you get a crazy message?

[Host]

Yes, I had another tweet too, but I'll say that one too. Basically it was a video of me carrying, like, weights down a driveway. And then someone said to me, did it remind you of carrying buckets of water in Nigeria, Right.

[Mike]

I was like, okay, that's kind of funny.

[Pat]

At first.

[Mike]

At first. But wait it.

[Host]

For me. It wasn't. I was like, okay, that's random. And I clicked on the person. I thought it was, like, a dude that said it. It was a. A white lady. I don't think she's white. She might be served in black and white.

[Mike]

Yeah, she white.

[Host]

There's another tweet I saw that was funny. It was actually a Facebook post. It said black people watching. Black people watching slave movies. Quotation. They would have to kill me. I feel like people always. People always swear that things wouldn't happen to them if. If that. If they're in that position.

[Mike]

I think they. Right, though.

[Host]

You think so?

[Mike]

Yeah, if they think like that, I think what happened. But I think a lot of people don't look up the history. Yeah, there were people like that.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Mike]

There were people that when it was on a ship, they jumped off the ship and then. Or people. When they got over to America, it was like, I'm not doing. I don't give a. What y' all talking about. Like, and those people either did what they did or did what they didn't. You know what I'm saying? So, like, definitely people like that.

[DJ]

Which one do y' all think y' all were?

[Host]

I don't know. I think it depends because it's easy to say now because you have the. You have the experience of freedom.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Host]

And equal rights and stuff like that.

[Mike]

It's almost disrespectful to answer that question. Yeah, I would have. Like, no, you don't know. You hate when people do that in anything. That's like, you telling me about a car accident you was in, like you saw. You say he was behind the car.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Mike]

I would have swore right where you crashed at. I would swerve right there.

[DJ]

No, I would have jumped off for sure.

[Mike]

You jumped off.

[DJ]

Yeah, I would have jumped off. Damn.

[Mike]

You probably would have sent the back. The other one.

[Host]

Oh, my gosh.

[DJ]

That was ass. I can't even.

[Gene]

That was.

[Host]

We didn't introduce Keita.

[Mike]

He just popped in his.

[Host]

I saw the thing that said. It says small talk with barbers and hair stylists can either be therapy or torture. And it's true.

[Mike]

You never know.

[Host]

You never know. This. It. It also depends the mood you're in, I guess, because there's moments where. Especially early cuts, sometimes I really don't feel like talking. Like, there's nothing. There's. There's nothing to really talk about. We didn't even experience the day yet. And you talking about yesterday's problem is, like, you should have got over that already. It's like a new day type.

[Cat]

Right?

[Mike]

I mean, I'm in a different mode, though. I'm kind of like in my mode a little bit.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Mike]

I like when the barber got they problems going on. Like, tell me about yourself.

[DJ]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Because answering questions, boy, while you're getting, like, lined up and you just be like, ah. When your barber got some drama going on.

[Gene]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

That's what. That's what I'm.

[Host]

I like, I like. I like what the barber's venting to me or whoever's in the service. Service industry. They're bent into me. It's a little bit easier because I could just. I can survive that whole conversation with like three words. And one of them might not be a word. It's just like, ah.

[DJ]

And it's super hard to talk while you're getting your haircut.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[DJ]

I'd be scared to move my eyebrows.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Host]

Oh, my bad.

[Mike]

You good?

[Host]

Yeah, it just. Just dropped my gun.

[Mike]

Well,

[Host]

as they slide in my hand.

[Cat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Yeah, I'm faking that. But yeah, I'm super pessimistic when people do that. Like, regardless of barber or not, if you're coming to me with relationship problems, I only got one line for you, brother. You better leave her. Doesn't sound like it's getting better to me, man. I don't give a bro. Sometimes I feel like she don't believe in me. Yup. Get rid of her, bro.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Host]

There's some points you hear people about people's relationship and stuff like that is, you know, they're. If there's no point of return.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Host]

So it's like, what, you're just gonna keep I. And it gets to a point where you get tired of hearing the same story over and over when you already gave them advice and what to do. Or maybe like some different ways to approach it. And they don't listen to anything. And they're like, oh, I already tried that. Or like, no. Or the worst is saying your idea won't work after they at them asking you for advice. I'm like, no, that's not gonna work. I already like, she not like that. Like that. She won't listen to like that.

[Mike]

Then what the you want me to say, I get what you said. Or they try to give you a counter argument.

[Guest Female]

I hate that.

[Mike]

To the argument you give. Like, I would have never been in this debate without you. Why are you giving me a counter argument? But I will say though, some couples are weird like that. You've been around couples, the same couples I've been around like in college. People like, bro, they not gonna make it.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Mike]

You just looking at each person's like set of brain cells. It's like there's no way that this makes a good couple. They'd be like married with three kids. Like what the. Like they made it, bro. They was arguing about pizza rolls, bro. I never thought they had a chance. They got a whole kid together.

[Host]

Now my friend has a food truck and he just opened the food truck and stuff like that and we're at. Why I can't worry about the food

[DJ]

always market business.

[Host]

Because what I'm about to say next, my friend.

[Mike]

No, no key. The type of to pull up on a, on the, on the side of a food truck and say where you about to park at?

[Host]

On. On the way there?

[DJ]

Yeah, yeah.

[Host]

Where you going?

[Mike]

Across from here.

[Host]

Got the. Now he got the little donut thing on his light thing. It lights up like a. Like what's that little donut thing, right?

[Mike]

No, I see. You see a lot of people hungry over here. You going to keep driving? Uhuh. Food truck pull over. They ticket is a free meal.

[Host]

But he has a food truck and just open it. And he was like like. So I went there just supporting like that. But what I don't like is that when I was getting the first plate right, it was a burger. And then he puts the camera on me like I can't even. I don't want it to experience my first bite of something I've never tried on camera. Because it's like now I have to like. Because now I don't know if I'm like. I don't know if I'm overacting or like under acting.

[Gene]

We gotta perform.

[Host]

You never know because like how do you like. Because people know me, they know I'm not gonna get on camera, be like, damn bro, I had never tasted anything like this. I just say.

[DJ]

It was a burger, right?

[Host]

It's a burger. Okay, Okay.

[DJ]

I thought this had a hot dog.

[Mike]

Wait, what's crazy?

[Host]

But then if I, you know, do the same thing that you normally do is like really expressionless and even. It's like, oh, he don't really like that burger. Especially me when people see me give a review, a review of anything. You know, we do a lot of paid ads and stuff like that. So it's just like, oh no, you don't really like that. Because people will always message me when I post something. Do you actually like this? Or so before I order, there's some things I'd be like, yeah, and there's some things I. That there's. There's shoots I've done before in the past. There's like. With products where it's like, I personally might have not got it myself, but it's. I'll tell you about the quality of it, and it's a good quality.

[Mike]

You should have pranked his ass. That would be the first time I used yuck in a long time. That is record that.

[Host]

That is my safegate, though. My sarcasm. My sarcasm. It's really good, bro. That type of.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah. Like, damn, it's so good. Almost said it was n. But I.

[Host]

I don't like when I think I saw Instagram real about that. When you go to, like, these farmers markets and stuff like that, and they legit would start recording you when you get your plate. Like, one time I had a lady said, I already opened the box, already took a bite. She said, oh, can we do it again? I gotta.

[Gene]

Oh, that's crazy.

[Host]

I gotta hand you the. The plate. So then it was awkward. So I'm chewing. So imagine this. I'm chewing, and then she has, like, the POV of her handing me the box again. So I'm like, like, looking stupid. And you never know what to do. It's like you grab the box, like. Yeah,

[Mike]

I would have turned around, bit the burger, and fire, like,

[DJ]

threw that on the ground.

[Mike]

Threw it on the ground. That's crazy. You would never throw no food.

[DJ]

So you would have farted in front of their face. That ain't crazy.

[Mike]

Yeah. Don't record me. And I'm tooting my leg.

[DJ]

You just want to shake ass, man. That's crazy.

[Mike]

No, that's craz. I put my leg up, and the first thing you thought about was me was shaking my ass.

[DJ]

You said you gonna turn around, put your leg up and fart, bro. Exactly.

[Mike]

I can't fart like this.

[Host]

You said you was gonna try if you lift the leg up to fart.

[Mike]

Really? That's what I want.

[Host]

Yeah, I guess. That is disrespectful if you do this. That's actually like, when you did as a kid.

[Little]

Yeah.

[Host]

When you try to, like, zoom past, like. What's it called? Crossfading.

[Mike]

Crossfading.

[DJ]

What the do y' all be doing?

[Host]

Crossing. What is it called?

[Mike]

Oh, crop dusting.

[Host]

Crop dusting.

[Mike]

I thought y a new type of fart.

[Host]

Crossfit.

[Mike]

You have, bro. You got in your draw so you don't need to fart no more. And then you run past a cross face. That sound dangerous.

[Host]

I think I told this story too before and like the things that. Remember you said when you're a kid, you used to believe that you could get pregnant.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Host]

And I think mine was like. As I thought of ate a watermelon. See, I thought it was like episode two.

[Mike]

Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah.

[Host]

If I. If I ate a watermelon seed, I thought I was going to turn into a. A tree or any type of seed.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Gene]

Like growing.

[Host]

I'll turn it to tree. Yeah. What was the thing y' all kind of believed as a kid?

[DJ]

If I swallow gum, it was going to get stuck to my intestines.

[Mike]

That's like super believable. That was super believable because I had that same fear. Yeah, I had that same fear.

[Host]

Cuz they always say don't digest the best if you swallow gum.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Host]

I used to think it was going to be like. I used to get so paranoid when I swallow gum, bro.

[DJ]

I used to cry, bro.

[Gene]

I think I answered this on a pod before. But my uncle told me that this dog could fly. So I threw it down some steps.

[Mike]

What I want to say, I want to go out on a limb and say if you've never like ever.

[Gene]

I might have cut it out. I don't know.

[Mike]

No, it never comes

[DJ]

the way.

[Host]

This one's gonna be. This one, it was the same way it would have been in the past.

[DJ]

One

[Mike]

babysit my son. No more.

[Gene]

I was a kid.

[Mike]

Your son said he s Spider Man?

[Host]

No, I missed the wall. I remember almost.

[DJ]

So you know how Spider man got

[Host]

bit by a black widow?

[DJ]

So I was actively looking for black widows to bite me as a kid.

[Mike]

I can see that, like depending on what age. But I could definitely.

[Host]

What's the dog story?

[Gene]

So, yeah, we was just chilling, you know, at my grandma's house upstairs on. On the second floor. And we was watching cartoons and. And you know, I like Superman when I was younger, so I'm probably locked in. I probably wasn't watching Superman. It's probably like some Ninja Turtle or something. But my. I remember my uncle telling me specifically, like, oh, yeah, the dog. You like, you like, you know the things that fly. Like the dog can fly. And I was like, really? He's like, yeah, yeah. So I like pick the dog up and I go to the front steps. You know, everybody's like, all the OGs outside, my uncles and aunties and My grandma and I was already locked in on, like, this dog's about to fly. Like, I've seen my. My grandma used to save birds and. And like. Like, when they get healed, she throw them out the front door, like, through the steps and fly. My uncle actually ended up running down the back steps. When I went to the front steps, I threw the dog. It smacked, hit the ground, broke a couple legs. It survived.

[Mike]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I thought you was gonna mean, like, I've seen people, like, drop like dogs, and it's like, the dog okay, but it looked crazy. But to break legs.

[Gene]

It was a Chihuahua. It was like a.

[Mike]

How many stairs?

[Gene]

It was probably like, 18 steps.

[DJ]

Use a badass kid.

[Mike]

That's like, legit attempted murder.

[Host]

I see. I see why you went to alternative school.

[Gene]

Hey, man, he said it was Superman.

[Host]

They got the worst behavior. No, Gene, do look like your name cornbread from the sinners movie. Nah, it's funny that Gene. I feel like Gene dresses up to the pod. I think he comes like.

[Gene]

It's a good Sunday fit, though. It's a good vibe.

[Host]

Like, there's some fits. You come here. You don't wear out, though. I feel like you wear it just for the pot. I wore this before this whole fit.

[Gene]

I believe it's a new hat, but

[Mike]

I wore this before that. Gene just need a chrome heart banjo.

[Host]

I got a question for you all.

[Little]

Play it.

[Host]

How many bless you? How many bless yous does somebody get if they're sneezing?

[Mike]

Depends on if I know him or not.

[Host]

Or how many bless yous in a row.

[Little]

This.

[Host]

Can somebody get.

[Caller]

You can't do?

[DJ]

No, Depends. Answer the question.

[Mike]

Depends on if I know him or not.

[Host]

Say you know him.

[Mike]

I know him.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Cat]

1.

[Host]

If you don't know him.

[Mike]

0.

[Host]

You don't say blessed to strangers. No, I've said bless you to strangers.

[Mike]

To me, that like. Like, if. If you praying, bro, you got to keep your locked in. I don't like the people that be like, blessing everybody. Like, how can you.

[Gene]

Yeah, you can't really do that. I don't think that's fair.

[Little]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Bless you. Bless you.

[Gene]

I didn't like when people used to, like, tell me that, like, when I was younger and I was still figuring out, like, what I believe in and.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Gene]

And I was just, like. It was kind of offensive.

[Host]

I feel like it's not even about a belief anymore. It's just, like, blessed, like manners, bro. Yeah, just blessed. You blessed.

[Mike]

But I think the. It was for. Because they said your heart stops when you Sneeze, which I think is untrue, but.

[Host]

No, it is.

[Mike]

Yeah, it's untrue.

[Host]

I don't think.

[DJ]

Yes.

[Mike]

No, I don't think that's true. But they.

[Host]

So.

[Mike]

But they used to. But they used to say it was for that reason when I was growing up, these like. Oh, the person heart stop when they sneeze.

[Host]

I think they said like, your spirit for me was like, your spirit goes out your body and you say bless you.

[Mike]

Comes back like,

[Gene]

catch it.

[Mike]

The dude, he frowned upon my like, I never heard that.

[DJ]

That's up.

[Pat]

Yes,

[Host]

you made it sound. The first time you said it made it sound like that's what it actually was right now. But not what you actually believed before when as a kid. No, I. I compare intelligence. It could be true. The start stop thing could be. But it doesn't. It doesn't sound true.

[Mike]

No, but it definitely was believed by multiple people. I guarantee that.

[Gene]

You know what it just means like good health. You know what I'm saying? Like, yes. You know what I'm saying? Bless you.

[Mike]

Sneezing usually, like, if you sound like you're getting sick. Yeah, real bro. Like there's random. You should be able to remember why you sneeze or know the reason why you sneeze every single time.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Host]

So it says the pressure can momentarily slow down your heart rate, but it does not stop your heart.

[Mike]

Yes. So yeah, that's what they do.

[Host]

But it was like the first. First thing when I was like, does your heart stop? And then

[Mike]

it was like widely believed and like that. That's when I used to have like sneeze attacks when I was younger. I used to hold my heart like. No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Gene]

Now we say we n. Never mind. I was gonna say we should get some callers with like aqu. Crazy sneezes. What's the craziest sneeze you've ever heard? Cuz I've heard some like my brother's ex or his baby mama used to. She used to like beatbox when she sneezed. He sound like

[Host]

crazy.

[DJ]

That have been. That would have been.

[Gene]

I used to be like, what the number one.

[Mike]

So. So me and this girl, we both got sick at the same time and we got sick from each other. So we decided to stick out the sickness together. You know what I mean?

[Cat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

And it was my first time, like being super, super sick around a woman and I didn't like, really know, like you got snot in front of somebody that you're trying to impress and like that So I was keeping it together. Like, I'm keeping my snot good. Like, she not seeing me blow my nose. I'm doing it in the bathroom away from her. And it was one time I was like, talking to her right before I was getting ready to leave. And, like, I let out a sneeze, but I didn't want to, like, sneeze all over. So I tried to be, like, real,

[Host]

like, macho about it.

[Mike]

Macho. I was like. And I did that. And literally all you heard is, I like, no way. I just snorted in front of this girl.

[DJ]

I was just about to ask if y' all ever farted and sneezed at the same time before.

[Mike]

Yeah, one time only when I held it in. But never, like, full exposure to, like, both.

[DJ]

That's like the most painful thing in the world.

[Mike]

It's like getting a train ran on you. I feel like I'm fully sneeze and farted. Oh, you open, boy.

[Host]

You open. Then close mouth sneezer, huh? I'm a closed mouth sneezer.

[DJ]

Your eyes don't be falling out.

[Host]

I do, but if I sneeze and it's like, oh, that's like. I just feel like I lost all control, you know?

[Pat]

You just.

[Host]

That weird feeling just so you feel violated a little bit. When some just like your body do that you didn't meant for mean for it to do. It's just a violation type of feeling.

[Mike]

No, that should have had you taking medicine. Yeah, you sneeze out loud and you do that cuz, you know, it's that little shiver at you and you're like,

[Host]

let me go get some elderberry.

[Gene]

Sometimes you got to embrace the sneeze, bro.

[Host]

You definitely got to embrace the sneeze.

[DJ]

You let it out.

[Host]

No, it just feels. You just feel like a climax. You just feel dirty. When you like, some do have that feeling, especially like when you pee.

[DJ]

So you be nutting and sneezing. You just said a climax, bro.

[Host]

That's not what.

[Mike]

That's always. You can climb on different things.

[DJ]

A climax only. So Usher was talking about. What was he talking about sneezing or was he talking about Nothing?

[Mike]

Usher was probably talking about nothing.

[Host]

I'm just saying the word climax.

[DJ]

I don't think it means actually an abrupt, like, explosion. It means an explosion.

[Mike]

No, that's not what climax.

[DJ]

That's what it means.

[Mike]

You can have a climax of the movie. Like the climax of the movie.

[Host]

Yeah, the climax of the movie gets you there.

[Mike]

Yeah. But not an explosion, though.

[Host]

Yeah, the most intense, exciting, or important Point of something.

[DJ]

Exactly.

[Mike]

But it's not sex. So not just.

[Gene]

It's a sneeze.

[DJ]

So you. But you still busting a nut.

[Mike]

But I'm just saying. Okay, here, here, here. I got you. Cuz you keep. You see? So let's stay on sex. And you say climax. And climax is what?

[Host]

Oh, what I just said. The most intense, exciting or important point of something.

[Mike]

Right, right, right. So, okay, you could be having sex with a girl, right? And your climax could be when you come. Right. Her climax is when you get the

[Host]

off her, you know, But the most intense. It's the most intense though that might be.

[Mike]

Yeah, the most.

[Host]

When she's a part.

[DJ]

She can breathe now.

[Mike]

But for real people, climaxes can be different.

[Host]

It'll be different though.

[Gene]

It'd be crazy when I sneeze, though. That would be crazy.

[Mike]

I would never sneeze again.

[Host]

There's a lot of nut talk. This. This thing talking about nut on your face.

[Mike]

What?

[Caller]

What?

[Mike]

I say that?

[Host]

I said that?

[Mike]

Listen, it's just crazy. Listen, I'm trying to motivate people because, you know, people like. Okay, keep motivating with nothing on Facebook. Okay, I'll give you an example. Like when Key own a game with his friends, he always giving his friend, like, his friends. Key got friends is delusional. Like, we be playing 2k with some of his friends. Some of his friends be like three for 19. To just be like ball hogging. Like, bro, you three for 19. And Kibi trying to tell him. So like sometimes things that you say to your friends don't hit their brain, right? So sometimes you gotta cut through, man,

[DJ]

you doing both right now. You gotta get to the nut on the face part. Yeah, get to the nothing on the face. You gonna be real, you gonna be chill.

[Host]

That sentence sounds so crazy. All the sex before play, nothing. I'm coming here for a nut on my face

[Mike]

that cut me off and said, where's the nut?

[DJ]

Bringing everybody else into it that want

[Host]

the nut so bad.

[Mike]

Okay, I just want to tell him, Nicole, but I was just saying, like, life going to get you. Hit you hard. Get that nut off your face. Get up, up and get back to it.

[DJ]

Well, who nutted on the face?

[Host]

We gotta leave it there, bro. Oh, we gotta end it there.

[Mike]

That boy said all that talking.

[DJ]

No, I'm. No, don't put it on me. Y' all was talking about nothing on Facebook anyway.

[Host]

This has been christ dummies episode 220. Make sure you guys subscribe to the Patreon climax.

[Mike]

Oh, last, last Thing. Last thing. No lesson.

[Little]

Okay.

[Mike]

So I saw this girl. I want to give her a shout out. I'm sorry this happened to you. I was watching a girl story on her birthday. She went through her boyfriend's phone of five years and found out that he'd been cheating with her best friend. And I saw it, like, this is my first time. Like, we hear these stories on the pod. We see it on the shade room, but it's my first time time knowing a woman that happened to and knowing the guy and just been like, damn, that's. That's up. That's your best friend. And like that. That's some real drama. And then I thought I was just like. That was kind of stupid. I heard him. Why would you go through his phone on your birthday? Like, do it the next day. Like, that's the anniversary of your birthday. That was so dumb.

[DJ]

That's how you know that. Ain't. You gotta go through his phone on your birthday? Nut on the face, man.

[Host]

Oh, my God. Make sure you guys subscribe to the Patreon. We just dropped the episode there yesterday. By the time you guys listen to this on Tuesday. What else? What else? Merch is gonna be restocked. Merch should be shipping to you guys as you guys hear, as you speak. Yeah, yeah. So. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

Twitch. Keep hitting us up on Twitch. Remember the Discord. We're gonna have the stages in there. Dating show coming soon.

[Host]

Do you have anything set up?

[DJ]

Yep. Keep. Keep streaming. Keep following Key man. Keep showing love of the merch, man. Oh, and I'm gonna drop. I ain't talking about shirt soon. Probably like in September. I don't know. Next time. Next time I come, I'll probably have one on.

[Host]

All right, Bet, Bet. All right, y'.

[DJ]

All.

[Host]

Peace.