Vibrating Toilet Seats - Episode 220

Summary

Crash Dummies Podcast with Pat and Mike

Episode 220: Vibrating Toilet Seats

Release Date: August 20, 2025
Hosts: Patrick Johnson (“Pat”) & Michael Esiobu (“Mike”)
Theme: Irreverent takes on current events, wild scenarios, unfiltered listener calls, and the quirks of everyday life

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Episode Overview

Episode 220 is textbook Crash Dummies: Patrick and Mike riff on random ideas, viral debates, strange purchases, and curious human habits. The hosts bring on listeners to expose hilarious scenarios—like the infamous vibrating toilet seat. The episode bounces between comedic hypotheticals, relationship debates, bodily function confessions, and social “icks.” With their signature chemistry, Pat and Mike keep things raw, witty, and relatable—no subject is too weird or trivial.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Blind Ranking Challenge

(01:15–02:50)

• Mike opens with a “blind ranking” game: Pat must rank random numbers (e.g., 9/11, 973, 956, 925) plus “slavery”—with no context.
• The bit quickly veers darkly comedic:

  “If you blind rank one more day, I’m gonna be blind to you.” — Mike (01:25)

• They reveal the categories were area codes and historical tragedies, poking fun at awkwardness when ranking sensitive topics.

2. Optimism vs. Pessimism Analogy

(04:12–05:32)

• Mike discusses two personality types after a car crash: the optimist ("thank God I'm alive") and the pessimist ("why did this happen to me?").
• Mike’s unfiltered analogy:

  “Sometimes life is going to nut in your face. I need you to get—” — Mike (04:39)
  “That’s such a crazy analogy.” — Pat (04:46)

• The point: Wipe it off, move on, don’t wallow in misery.

3. Relationship Jealousy: Wedding Walk Debate

(05:42–07:18)

• Sparked by a post on Threads: Is it disrespectful for a spouse to walk down the aisle with a single person at a wedding?
• Hosts and guests mostly mock the insecurity of the question.
• Relatable moment:

  “I walked...I don’t even remember the person I walked with.” — Pat (07:05)

4. Awkward Wedding Stories

(07:43–08:53)

• Pat recounts almost passing out as a groomsman due to dieting and nerves—relates to viral videos of groomsmen fainting at weddings.

5. The “Four Major U.S. Cities” Debate

(09:07–13:35)

• Group debates what constitutes a “major city” in the U.S.—New York, LA are undisputed; Chicago and Miami are hotly contested.
• Discussion over city “history,” reputation, and celebrity impact (Michael Jordan, Oprah, Kanye).
• Notable:

  “Once your city got like a...make you a ‘Ford.’”—Mike (11:23)

• They note Atlanta and Houston as strong contenders, with mention of Detroit’s resurgence and Vegas’s tourist decline.
• LA is called "overrated" if you lack connections:

  “If you have no connections, LA can be very overrated.” — Pat (13:17)

6. Color-Changing STD Condoms

(14:14–15:57)

• Discussion about hypothetical condoms that detect STDs by changing color.
• Universal skepticism that detection would even stop sex.
• Wild riffing on what the colors might mean:

  “Neon green, just like I thought. Gonorrhea is there.” — Mike (15:19)

• Joke directions: “Error. No penis detected.”—(16:13)

7. How Do You Leave A Party?

(16:27–19:04)

• Pat prefers a subtle exit, “dap up” and leave quietly.
• Mike is the “long goodbye” guy, lingering for extended small talk.
• Both admit to awkwardness with strangers and party “follow-thru” etiquette.

8. “Ish” Time Management

(19:43–20:35)

• Debates the validity of showing up late when told an event starts or ends “10:30-ish.”

  “If you say 10:30-ish, I’m showing up at 11:30 now. Now you just pushed my…” — Mike (20:25)

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Listener Call-In Highlights

A. Strangest Purchase: Vibrating Toilet Seat

(23:33–27:15)

• Caller describes buying a vibrating toilet seat for $350.

  “Just shaking, bro. Cheeks jiggling, bro.” — Caller (23:54)
  “You literally got a toilet seat to shake the shit out you." — Mike (25:16)

• Describes how it helps “when you’re struggling to get a turd out.”
• He and his wife are exclusive users; friends are refused access.
• Still paying $30/month on it!

B. Adult Underwear Debates

(28:14–30:32)

• Caller rants about grown men still wearing loose boxers in 2025:

  “Just gon’ upgrade, bro. Get outta that kitty ass. It’s not the early 2000s, late 90s no more.” — Caller (30:01)

• Extended riff on boxers vs. briefs, “wedgies,” and “tight dick” jokes.

C. Weird Habits: Standing Up to Wipe

(30:39–36:29)

• Caller admits he stands fully upright to wipe after using the toilet.
• Hosts and guests are baffled by “standing straight up,” “spreading cheeks,” and toilet wiping directions (“front to back” vs. “back to front”).

  “Grabbing your own cheeks. Micro ass is crazy, bro.” — Pat (32:03)

D. Ordering the Same Meal

(36:49–39:36)

• Caller gets annoyed when friends copy his order at restaurants.
• Pat and Mike debate whether it’s weird to get the same entrée as someone else.
• Turns into a mock accusation of parasocial relationships.

E. Strangest Gift: Dad’s Dildo

(40:16–43:38)

• Hilarious confession: a listener bought his dad a dildo at age 15 as a gag gift. The family kept it as a “house pet” named Griffin.

  “Its name is Griffin, actually, if you were curious at all.” — Caller (41:30)

F. Mother-in-Law Attraction

(45:41–49:26)

• Caller complains that his fiancée’s mom has a “cake for days” while his partner is “flatter than paper.”
• Pat and Mike push back:

  “You know what that means? Technically your girlfriend has her dad’s ass, and that’s what you touch every day.” — Mike (47:58)

G. Baby Mama Drama

(49:32–56:47)

• Caller: No respect for baby mamas who think they can reclaim their ex when she’s dating him now—only to discover her boyfriend had four baby mamas and five kids.
• Pat and Mike do “kid math” and roast her forgiving nature.

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Tweet of the Week & Internet Oddities

(56:51–63:33)

• Video skit about how “Hawaiian Punch” never quenches thirst—hosts universally agree.
• Listener shares a “racist but funny” message referencing carrying water buckets in Nigeria.
• Social media takes: on “slave movie bravado”—the “I would have never…” mentality.
• Pat: “It depends because it’s easy to say now because you have the experience of freedom.” — (64:18)

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Bodily Function Segment: Sneezes, Farts, and Childhood Beliefs

(73:40–80:59)

• “How many bless-yous for sneezes?” etiquette.
• Childhood myths: eating watermelon seeds would make you grow trees, swallowing gum sticks to your insides, throwing a dog off stairs (“My uncle told me it could fly!”).
• Grossest sneeze/fart combos and more discourse around bodily “climaxes.”

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Other Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

— On STD condoms:

“Finding out in the moment is so up.” — Pat (15:40)
“Neon green is gonorrhea.” — Mike (15:19)

— On vibratory toilets:

“You literally got a toilet seat to shake the shit out you. It’s crazy.” — Mike (25:16)

— On relationships:

“Some people want to get nutted on.” — Pat (04:54)
“That’s not miserable? Getting nutted on?” — Pat (05:02)

— On life advice:

“You just got nutted on, bro. Get up, bro. Wipe it off.” — Mike (05:11)

— On mother-in-law “cake”:

“Technically your girlfriend has her dad's ass and that's what you touch every day.” — Mike (47:58)

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Segment Timestamps

| Segment | Timestamp | |----------------------------|---------------------| | Blind Rankings | 01:15–02:50 | | Optimism/Pessimism | 04:11–05:32 | | Wedding Walk Debate | 05:42–07:18 | | Major City Debate | 09:07–13:35 | | Vibrating Toilet Seat Call | 23:33–27:15 | | Standing to Wipe Debate | 30:39–36:29 | | Family Dildo Story | 40:16–43:38 | | Baby Mama Drama | 49:32–56:47 | | Sneeze/Fart Etiquette | 73:40–80:59 |

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Closing

The Crash Dummies Podcast delivers another absurd, honest, and laugh-packed episode—blending bathroom humor, culture wars, real talk about relationships, and running gags about bodily functions. Between wild listener stories (like exclusive vibrating toilets), introspection on “what city is greatest”, and open mics for society’s weirdest habits, Episode 220 reaffirms why Pat and Mike’s chemistry and willingness to “go there” makes for one of podcasting’s most unpredictably hilarious rides.

Final Word:

“Sometimes you’ve just gotta get that nut off your face and keep it moving.” — Mike (83:30)

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For merch, bonus episodes, and joining the community:

• Crash Dummies Patreon
• [Discord/Twitch links in show notes]
• Merch restock announced; “I Ain’t Talking ‘Bout Shirt” teased for September.

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Transcript

[Pat]

Mint is still $15 a month for premium wireless.

[Mike]

And if you haven't made the switch.

[Gene]

Yet, here are 15 reasons why you should. One, it's $15 a month. Two, seriously, it's $15 a month. Three, no big contracts.

[Pat]

Four, I use it.

[Mike]

Five, my mom uses it. Are you. Are you playing me off?

[Gene]

That's what's happening, right? Okay, give it a try.

[Caller/Guest]

@Mintmobile.Com Switch, upfront payment of $45 per three month plan.

[Mike]

$15 per month equivalent required.

[Pat]

New customer offer first three months only.

[Caller/Guest]

Then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra.

[Mike]

See mintmobile.com hey, guys, it's Christian pro running back. I'm partnering with Abercrombie this season to tell you about their viral denim. All you need to know is denim should fit like this. Abercrombie's athletic fit is a game changer. They're designed for guys with an athlete's build like mine. Just enough room and the perfect stretch. When a jean fits that well, I'm wearing it on repeat. Shop Abercrombie denim in the app, online and in store. All right, all right, all right. So we've been trying blind ranking for, you know, the last couple pies, and it's getting better and better. I wanted to start off the pie with a blind ranking. What?

[Gene]

I'm good on this one, man.

[Mike]

You good?

[Pat]

Yeah. All right.

[Mike]

Hey, he's sick of that.

[Pat]

Sound like you got in trouble, that last one.

[Mike]

If you blind rank one more day, I'm gonna be blind to you. All right. Okay. Blind rank these things. I'm not going to tell you the category also. That makes sense. So blind rank these random things.

[Pat]

Okay.

[Mike]

9, 11.

[Pat]

What? 9, 11, 5, 5. Yeah.

[Mike]

That's at the bottom.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Least important.

[Pat]

You didn't say the category.

[Mike]

Okay, I'm sorry. All right. 973.

[Pat]

973.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Is that a significance to that?

[Mike]

I mean, the first one was 9 11. This is 973, like September. I'm not saying. Is that area code questions. You're supposed to just be right.

[Pat]

I'm gonna go three.

[Mike]

Three. Okay. 956.

[Pat]

956. Two.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Pat]

Okay.

[Mike]

Nine, 25.

[Pat]

9:25. Let's go one.

[Mike]

Okay. Number one. Last one. Slavery.

[Pat]

What I got left for.

[Mike]

That's not a good ranking. Mike, you're looking too good, man. Start the pie.

[Pat]

People know who you are, though. What was the other day?

[Mike]

Those are just random 900 numbers and two tragedies that's overlooked.

[Pat]

Oh, my gosh. Anyway, welcome to crash dummies episode 220. Make sure you guys subscribe to the Patreon. We just dropped an episode on there. Oh, we just started streaming as well. So we're going to put our streaming tags and stuff in. In the description as well. Whatever.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah. Follow us on Twitch, Crash Homies Pack. I don't know what your username is.

[Pat]

Yeah, it'll be in. It'll be in the description.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah. Keeping us up on tw. Discord.

[Pat]

Oh, yeah, Discord. Yeah, we talking to everybody now.

[Mike]

Yeah, so we have. I don't know if you know how Discord works. For those that don't have Discord, we can actually go in there, either chat with everybody at the same time, like some type of zoom meeting, or we could, like, chat, like, where it's just me and Mike reacting to videos, and we can also call someone into the chat that's in the chat. There's no cost. You just follow the Discord. That'd be in the link below. So, you know, hit us up, man.

[Pat]

This Patreon, too.

[Mike]

We.

[Pat]

We go in there, we talk to them at least once a day. We do, like a video. I mean, once a. Once a day.

[Mike]

Yeah. I just want people to know, bro. So you want all people to know.

[Pat]

Okay, go ahead.

[Mike]

You gotta stop making yourself miserable, or I'm gonna start thinking that you're making yourself miserable on purpose. I feel like there's people that are, like, very optimistic. Okay. You got two different people, right? Both of them get in a car crash. One of them get out of the car crash. Like, man, thank God I'm alive, man. This car. I'm just glad I'm here, you know? And they just appreciate life. Then you got the other person. Why the this happened to me? You know what I'm saying? Like, it's all pessimistics and stuff. So I need. What I need you to do is, like, sometimes life is going to nut in your face. I need you to get.

[Pat]

That's such a crazy analogy.

[Mike]

I feel like that's the only analogy to, like, get them to stop being miserable. Like, you. You just got nutted on, bro.

[Pat]

Some people want to get nutted on.

[Mike]

Huh?

[Pat]

Some people want to get nutted on.

[Mike]

Exactly. They want to be miserable.

[Pat]

No, that.

[Caller/Guest]

Is, that.

[Pat]

Is that miserable? Huh? Is that miserable? Getting nutted on?

[Mike]

Is it?

[Pat]

I'm just saying there's some people that want that.

[Mike]

That I. I understand that.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

But I'm talking to the people that that hit home with, because I just. I'm just Hitting you. The thing about cults is you're not going to touch everybody's soul. What I just said. Yeah, that's gonna hurt somebody. You just got nutted on, bro. Get up, bro. Wipe it off.

[Pat]

That is so crazy.

[Mike]

Tell him no more.

[Pat]

He said suck it up and keep going.

[Mike]

Suck it up and keep going is crazy. Come on, man.

[Pat]

I saw a thing on threads actually it said question of the day. If your spouse is in a wedding, do you think it's disrespectful for them to be parrot to be paired and walk down an aisle with someone who's single? Do you think it's inappropriate for your spouse to be asked to be in a wedding if you. If you yourself are not asked to escort them? Curious to see how people feel about this subject?

[Mike]

No. Who wrote that?

[Pat]

I was.

[Mike]

I bet you it is a Britney. Some like that.

[Pat]

But I was. When I saw I was like, no way. People are. This is gonna be an actual debate. People are. The replies to this are actually are funny too for me is like what's one? He said, I'm gay and I walk down the aisle at a wedding with a married lesbian. We're both straight now and expecting our second pair of twins. It's such a slippery slope. I feel like if there's that type of insecurities of seeing your partner walk down the aisle, you got bigger problems.

[Mike]

Some people live on the edge like that. Some people live in that realm of jealousy. I've been around women that you can't even touch another woman when you're around them. Yeah, mom, auntie. They don't trust nobody.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Because they. They X probably didn't somebody close to them. You know how like you my dog.

[Pat]

I feel like some of those stuff like that is like very forgettable. Like I walked. Ice was in the wedding. Right. I don't even remember the person I walked with.

[Mike]

No. That's some. I don't remember what they look like.

[Pat]

I don't remember their name.

[Mike]

I hope they listen to this.

[Pat]

I don't though. I don't. It's not that it's a bad thing. It's a bad thing not remembering the purse. That's your remembering.

[Mike]

Do you remember the wedding?

[Pat]

I remember the wedding. But bro, listen, that's your boy's girl's friend.

[Mike]

That don't matter.

[Pat]

How am I supposed to remember who that person is?

[Mike]

You don't know the per you. You have to get announced with the person, right?

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

What the. How many weddings have you been a part of? You act like, you've been a part.

[Pat]

Of, like, 50 weddings in my adult life.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

One.

[Mike]

The. That don't like weddings.

[Pat]

You know the funny part, I think I told this story, but during that wedding, I was before a fight, so I didn't drink or nothing. And I was kind of on a diet as well. So I was feeling a little lightheaded when it was time to go, because everybody's eating. The only food they had was, like, really snacky foods. I'm like, I don't really want to eat. I'm just gonna wait till after the wedding. Walked up, we did the little walk, and you're, you know, in the line next to. As they're presenting. I started feeling so lightheaded, bro. I was legit fighting, passing out, because I'm like, bro, imagine life ain't at the altar while my friend is giving his vows.

[Mike]

You said it was just a viral video that just happened.

[Pat]

He passed out.

[Mike]

Somebody passed out. And one of the groomsmen behind him had to lift him back up. He actually got it together for the wedding.

[Gene]

There's no way Mike would be that dramatic at a wedding.

[Mike]

I don't care what happens and who like what you. You better fake a seizure, because the. The bride is gonna be mad as.

[Pat]

Yeah, that's her day.

[Mike]

And you just pass out. And I feel like everybody that pass out, they got to be musty because you dehydrated, right? You gotta stay like, bro, if you dehydrated, you stink.

[Pat]

No, that's not it.

[Mike]

That time he was dehydrated. Boy.

[Pat]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I saw this debate going on on the Internet, was saying, what would you consider the four major cities in America?

[Mike]

Okay.

[Pat]

So I would like to just hear everybody's opinion in America.

[Gene]

New York, Chicago, L.A. and Portland.

[Mike]

Right.

[Caller/Guest]

Miami.

[Pat]

Okay.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

I would say the same thing.

[Mike]

I would say Atlanta. My bad. No, I would say right now.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Oh, shit.

[Pat]

It's just a. Major cities. Don't just think of just.

[Mike]

I know, but when you say major cities, I feel like the. The point that makes them. Their major city is like, they're. They're around other really good cities also. You know what I'm saying? Like, New York is humongous. You know that the LA area is humongous. You can go other places, so that's what makes them great. So I feel like you got to pick one of the Texas cities to make that there, because I feel like I don't. I feel like I don't know Texas over Miami.

[Pat]

The whole state, though. Huh. Texas.

[Mike]

But you got to pick one in there. So I'll pick Houston. Yeah. I would say hous.

[Caller/Guest]

Saying.

[Pat]

So I. My list was kind of the same.

[Mike]

As yours said Texas. A whole state. Whoop.

[Pat]

Do you said Texas or Miami?

[Mike]

So I was talking state. I get what you're saying.

[Pat]

You. My list is the same as yours. I think the heavily debated one was Chicago being a major city. And I think for me, for major cities, it really has to do with like, the history. Like, to me, Chicago and I mean, New York and LA is very. You can't really can't debate that.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

New York is New York, LA is LA. That's just it. It is what it is. This is. And then I guess the next two is kind of like where it kind of Chicago. I just think the history. I think mostly if you ask anybody in. In the middle of nowhere, in another country, if you say name four cities in. In America, I think that's the same. They would name. They'll name Miami. They'll name Chicago.

[Mike]

This is an American question, though.

[Pat]

Yeah, but I'm just. But I'm just saying I think for something to be considered a mage. A major city, it has to be consensus. Like, those are the places I. Anybody can know off the top there.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like that's how you. That's how you think about fame.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

The same way it's like if it's a celebrity or something.

[Pat]

Yeah. The bigger celebrity and what the city is known for. I feel like once your city got like a.

[Mike]

Make you afford it.

[Pat]

That's. I got the same as him.

[Mike]

Same as him.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

But the Miami was a debate.

[Pat]

I didn't think Chicago was a debate. A little bit too.

[Mike]

I never thought Chicago was a debate. Miami would be the debate for me.

[Pat]

Yeah. Miami to me, Miami would be the debate as well. Yes. Yeah.

[Gene]

I feel like a lot of people would skip over the Midwest and just say Miami and like Houston or something like that.

[Mike]

I get why there's some people that don't like the cold, but I feel like for the major cities, you got to have something that represents the cold and what else than the Windy City, you know what I'm saying?

[Pat]

Just the history. I think Michael Jordan. It has a big part. I'm making Chicago a major city as well. You know, I mean, and like, just known in the world and all the.

[Mike]

Stars that came from there. Like, what is Oprah from there.

[Pat]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

You know what I'm saying?

[Pat]

Kanye.

[Mike]

Yeah, Kanye. Like all the stars. That. That's What I think that's what makes. I think that's what makes I feel like Atlanta. That's what makes Atlanta so popular. Not what's actually around Atlanta, but the talent that Atlanta is.

[Pat]

Yeah, I consider. I consider Atlanta a popular city. I wouldn't consider a major city right now. Yeah, it's hard to say I was.

[Mike]

Considered a major city. You've gotta fly through it. That's where all that.

[Pat]

Okay, it's a major city. But I would. Because in the top four, I wouldn't consider it comparable to.

[Mike]

It's in the next four, though, for sure.

[Pat]

Yes. Easily. As long as people make a list. When people make a list, they just have their cut off. Like, nah, nothing else could be considered.

[Mike]

But, you know, some people look at these debates differently. Some people look at it as like, what they would like to do. So if, like, if somebody was ranking in cities, like major cities, they might have Miami two or three just because they like the beach.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

You know what I'm saying? Just like. And like people that don't like the cold, they're not going to put Chicago in that motherfucker. But I tell you one thing, Detroit on the rise, bro. It's some cities that's on the rise and there's some cities that are very, like, overrated.

[Pat]

What do you think?

[Mike]

I will say that. I won't say what city is like. I'm not going to do that because I don't want to diss a whole group of people.

[Pat]

Yeah. But I think LA can be overrated at times. But I think it depends about your LA experience as well.

[Mike]

If you have no connections, LA can be very overrated.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

If you think you're going there because New York, obviously you can. Somebody could drop you in the middle of a nice part of New York and you can go have fun.

[Pat]

Yeah. You can get anywhere.

[Mike]

La. Have y'.

[Pat]

All.

[Gene]

Y' all been to Vegas?

[Pat]

Yes.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

But for. Completely.

[Gene]

Yeah, I feel like that one's like a. I don't know, like it's kind of overrated. But, you know, it's all.

[Pat]

It is getting overrated now because. Because I think there's. They're already saying tourism is down in. In Vegas, like, like crazy percentage. Yeah.

[Mike]

Because it's expensive as.

[Pat]

Everything's just expensive to do.

[Mike]

But, but that's the thing, like, if it depends on how much money you got with the major cities, it's all perspective and like what you can get to. You know, somebody's saying like a Carnival cruise right now. Wherever the Carnival cruise take Me, that's a major city. Tampa. A major city. Y' all sleeping on Tampa.

[Pat]

I saw a video on Instagram, and it was talking about these condoms that change color when an STD is detected. And the thing about those is that I still believe that if a dude, which whoever has it, if he puts it on, right, and he's having sex with a girl and stuff like that, I think if it changes color, that dude is still gonna keep going.

[Mike]

A thousand person.

[Gene]

You got the condom on.

[Mike]

Yeah, but to most, not me. I'm stopping. I'm taking the condom off, and I'm tossing it in her face. They said, what the. But most dudes are going to take that as a w. Yeah, I knew it. And then keep going. I wouldn't catch you.

[Pat]

Because I feel like that that only benefits the. The guy for knowing, in a sense, because I feel like the guys, they would already know. I feel like if, you know, if you're buying that type of condom, it.

[Mike]

Should change color for the guys, too.

[Pat]

It's already changing colors, wouldn't it?

[Mike]

Yeah. Yeah, I would think. Yeah. That's funny as hell. The girl like, no, put it on. No, let's just have sex with it. No, put it on. Yup. Neon green, just like I thought. Gonorrhea is there, going in the darkness. Neon green is gonorrhea.

[Pat]

Nah, it's changing a different color for the different ones.

[Gene]

Or they just sell, like, test strips.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

[Pat]

Finding out in the moment is so up.

[Mike]

Oh, wait, wait. You trying to figure out, like, what color is? It's like, bro, I never seen that color before. The girl, like, I never seen that color before. What's teal? Oh, it's all at the bottom. Oh, it say, it's musty. Your dick stick.

[Pat]

It said fungus.

[Mike]

Actually, you're not even on the STD list.

[Pat]

It just.

[Mike]

It just say little on.

[Pat]

Says enter again. Error.

[Caller/Guest]

Error.

[Pat]

Is it in yet?

[Mike]

No.

[Pat]

No. No penis detected. No penis. Crazy.

[Mike]

Npd.

[Caller/Guest]

Npd.

[Pat]

The why does it get say npd.

[Mike]

That's crazy.

[Pat]

All right.

[Mike]

Okay, so I got a question for you. How do you leave a party?

[Pat]

How do I leave a party personally?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

I kind of. I'll say by the. Like, the person that's. Maybe if it's somebody hosting the party, I'll make sure to either get connected with him and be like, I always got to get the dap up first. Right? And not. I'm not really saying, like, I'm leaving from right here. I said, hey, bro, I'm about to Bounce. I'm about to. About to leave.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

And they blah, bro. All right. Boom, boom. But I don't let him come in for a hug. Right. You just kind of keep it. Because you got to keep it very cordial and like low key. Because he give you the dap and then the hug, the embrace, that means like, everybody else know you leaving. Yeah. So just a quick diet. Hey, bro. Or I'm gonna say something like, I'll see you tomorrow or some like that.

[Mike]

Oh, we the opposite, bro. I'm shaking everybody in that twice. My.

[Pat]

My.

[Mike]

You still got that business. Tell me more about it. Like, bro, you said you was leaving the hour.

[Pat]

I was leaving for real this time. Pat is the worst person to try to get to leave a party, bro. Never want to go home.

[Mike]

But it's like to me, cuz, I love conversation, but it's also. I'm now in control of the conversation.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

You know, cut it off. You know, I gotta leave.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

So. But I still want to talk about you and know what's going on with you. So I'm gonna hit you up like, yo, like, let's have a conversation right now. Hey, man, how the boxing going?

[Pat]

Pretty good.

[Mike]

Like, you got a match coming up? No, no, you got no match coming up. What happened with your last opponent?

[Pat]

He dropped out.

[Mike]

All right, bro, I see you, lady. I already told y', all.

[Caller/Guest]

It'S a power.

[Pat]

The thing is that I suck. Just see how dry that conversation was.

[Mike]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Pat]

I suck.

[Mike]

Why you start. I hate when you. Every time you say suck, you got like, it's like in your brain.

[Pat]

I'm terrible about keeping conversations going sometimes that I'm not really in, especially when it's small talk and you know you're never going to talk to this person again. It gets awkward because I don't ask any, like, follow up questions. So it'd be like. Just like that, you know, like you asked me, when's your next boxing match? Now, like, like that. And they would be quiet like that because I'm not giving anything back. Yeah. So it just becomes awkward and be like, all right, then I gotta go type of.

[Mike]

Yeah. If I know I'm never gonna talk to a person again, that's probably gonna be my longest conversation of the night.

[Pat]

No, I love that.

[Mike]

I'd be like, damn, this dude telling me about his family. I'm about to ghost the out this. I'm gonna follow you back, bro, because I think. Yeah, I already got your Instagram. How you get my Instagram? Mutuals bro, I've been finding your bro. Don't worry.

[Pat]

I hate when somebody follows you. Like when you give them the ig and they follow you. Like when you're still in the party without actually talking to you.

[Mike]

Yeah. And they look.

[Pat]

You just see the following and you look up. It's like that look like that person I just walked by.

[Mike]

I with those people, though. Those people real. They let you know, hey, I'm talking about you right now.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

To my crew. Hey, I just met a over there. He box, he boring as and he got a podcast.

[Pat]

If someone tells you like they're gonna be. If somebody tells you they're gonna be somewhere 10:30ish, right. What time does the ish actually end? If it's 1030 ish, if it says.

[Mike]

Gonna end 1030 ish, or start 1030.

[Pat]

Either one.

[Mike]

That's a difference.

[Pat]

Is it?

[Mike]

Yeah. You say something gonna start 10:30ish. I know you, you might need a little bit time. Basically you saying, don't come at 10:30.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Right. If you say it's gonna end 10:30ish, that's like a hand. Like, come on, bro, like, make sure you out by 10:30. Like, I'm giving you 10:30 ish. I'm saying 10:30 because I want you to leave type. That's when it's really gonna feel that, you know what I'm saying?

[Gene]

Personally, though, I would give it like A. Yeah, 15 minutes before or after.

[Pat]

Is that ish? 15 minutes?

[Gene]

15 to like 30, I guess.

[Pat]

Because if you say with grace. If you say I'm gonna be there 10:30ish, and you get there at 11, that's.

[Gene]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Is that still 10:30ish?

[Mike]

Yeah. I mean, it depends on who you with. Because if you with me, my. You say 10:30 ish, I'm showing up at 11:30 now. Now you just push my. I can't trust you.

[Pat]

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[Mike]

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[Pat]

We are taking another break from the podcast to thank today's sponsor, Mando. We all know how frustrating packing for travel can be, especially when you forget essentials. That's why I started packing smarter with Mando.

[Mike]

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[Pat]

Musty and it's 72 hours.

[Mike]

72 hours. Come on now.

[Pat]

Again, we love Mando but don't push that 72 hours. The 72 hours is how long?

[Mike]

Just three days.

[Pat]

Three days.

[Mike]

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[Pat]

Sent you us us Crash Dummies.

[Mike]

Come on.

[Pat]

Don't get a podcast.

[Mike]

Come on man. Mando's got you covered. Protect your pits. Smell great doing it.

[Caller/Guest]

What's the deal going on?

[Mike]

I got a question for you. You bullishing already? Let's get this over with. All right.

[Caller/Guest]

Don'T start back.

[Mike]

What's the strangest thing you've ever spent your money on?

[Caller/Guest]

I'm have to say that that vibrating total seat, my boy.

[Mike]

The what?

[Caller/Guest]

The vibrating toilet seat, bro.

[Pat]

Like, it wasn't heated.

[Caller/Guest]

Nothing, bro.

[Pat]

It wasn't heated nothing. Just vibrating is all it does.

[Caller/Guest]

Ah, bro. Just shaking, bro. Cheeks jiggling, bro.

[Mike]

What? But, like, okay, how did you get sold this? Where did you buy it at? And then why did you buy it, I guess is the question.

[Caller/Guest]

All right. I'm from South Carolina, man. Me and my old lady, we moved to Georgia, up towards Buckhead. So I'm walking around the mall. There's a little Asian lady. She got, like, the little. Little sample seats you can sit in. They shake. And then she ended up telling me that they got some stuff that you can take home. Hand me this pamphlet. And it's a little vibrating toilet seat. So I ordered me one, told old lady about it, gave it a try, and lit. Ever since, bro.

[Mike]

Wait, you still have this toilet seat?

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, yeah. I just used it about 15 minutes ago.

[Mike]

Okay, okay, okay. This is my next question. Just out of curiosity, what does it do for you exactly like that? You love it so much.

[Caller/Guest]

I mean, besides the comfort, it kind of. Let's say. Let's say you struggling to get a, you know, get a little turd out, bro. It actually helps you, bro. Let's say. Let's say you got a turtle head, bro. It's getting about halfway. You know, you had a lot of protein that day. You've been struggling to get it out. It's got different levels, bro. You put it on low, that ain't coming out. Crank that up a notch. Guarantee it's coming out.

[Mike]

No way.

[Caller/Guest]

You don't need no laxative. No, none of that, bro. You gotta vibrate. And toilet seat.

[Mike]

You literally got a toilet seat to shake the shit out you. It's crazy.

[Pat]

Have you ever used it when it wasn't any of those scenarios that you mentioned?

[Caller/Guest]

I mean, I ain't trying to get freaky on y', all, but.

[Pat]

Yeah, that's what I'm trying to say. Like, is it a pleasure thing then? If it's like, not.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Mike]

Oh, you say, oh, he'd be sitting on the edge of the seat. Okay. Did you say when he bought it? Your wife be catching you not sitting all the way on the T. Babe, why you keep sitting on the edge of the seat? To poop?

[Caller/Guest]

Hey, she be doing it too, bro. Don't knock it till you try it.

[Mike]

Nah, I'm good on it. Wait, so wait, so how many bathrooms you got at your place?

[Caller/Guest]

We got two, but I mean, I ain't gonna put one in my kids room. That's crazy.

[Mike]

Okay, so. So nobody allowed to use y' all bathroom?

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, no. Even when the homeboys come over, bro. I'll take that off. I keep a tool set by the toilet, bro.

[Mike]

Nobody use. So you and your wife the only ones that ever use the vibrate toilet in your house?

[Caller/Guest]

The only one, bro.

[Pat]

Man, I feel like that is an instant vip, though.

[Mike]

That literally make me want to break in this house to use that.

[Pat]

I think that's a strange guest though, huh? That'd be a strange thing to put in your guest bathroom.

[Mike]

They're just threatening to shoot me over toilet seat.

[Caller/Guest]

I already know how you get down, Pat. I ain't going.

What?

That wasn't cheap neither, bro.

[Mike]

No, no, I'm good.

[Caller/Guest]

I'm not, bro.

[Pat]

N. We're good though.

[Mike]

No, we good, but appreciate the, like, the sales pitch that you gave us.

[Pat]

He probably work for. He probably work for the time to.

[Mike]

Get for real pyramid scheme, man.

[Caller/Guest]

I'm still making payments, bro. 30amonth.

[Mike]

But how much was it?

[Caller/Guest]

About 350.

[Mike]

God damn. I see why you ain't let nobody use that.

[Caller/Guest]

Hell no. That made out of gold, bro.

[Pat]

All right, man. You have a good one.

[Mike]

I appreciate you.

[Caller/Guest]

All right, man. I just want to say, man, yesterday, I swear to God, I listen to our podcast every single day yesterday. I've actually went through every single episode twice, bro. I just finished every single episode twice yesterday. That boy's hilarious.

[Pat]

Nah, that's crazy. Holy.

[Gene]

Like, that's impossible.

[Pat]

Possible.

[Mike]

No. Touch some grass.

[Caller/Guest]

I'm a welder, bro. So. I'm a welder, so 10 hours a day, that's all I do is listen to y'. All.

[Mike]

As long as you paying attention. Don't weld your dick off, bro.

[Pat]

Why is it always the dick?

[Caller/Guest]

All right, go get y' all that toilet, man.

[Pat]

Appreciate you.

[Mike]

Hey, send the link, bro.

[Caller/Guest]

What's up?

[Mike]

Send the link.

[Caller/Guest]

I got you, bro.

[Pat]

Yo, what up? What up? What up? How's your day going, man?

[Caller/Guest]

Hey, I'm good, man. I'm good.

[Pat]

How about y'? All? That's all right. That's. It was a one way question. I got a question for you, though. What's up? What's something that annoys you that shouldn't.

[Caller/Guest]

Man, still wearing boxes in 2025 is crazy, bro.

[Pat]

Like, are you saying like boxers in general or just like not wearing like boxer briefs or something like that?

[Caller/Guest]

No, like, like, like, like I feel like as grown man, everybody should been converted to breeze by. Gonna still be wearing boxes, bro.

[Pat]

The loose fitting boxes.

[Mike]

Yeah. Worried about another man's draws is crazy.

[Pat]

What's. What's your beef with loose fittings? Boxers, man.

[Caller/Guest]

I don't know, man. It's just like that. Just too loose, man. Like you all sweaty, I ain't catching. And that's what got my Craig fired. That ain't still in the boxes. And I mean.

[Mike]

Wait, what?

[Caller/Guest]

Whatever bro name was.

[Mike]

Yeah, boxers or boxes? What is he talking about?

[Pat]

Boxers, Boxers.

[Mike]

Like the draws? Yeah, yeah, but he got no, he got fired for stealing boxes.

[Pat]

I thought it was box. I thought he's talking about the draws.

[Mike]

Anywho you talking about? So why do it. Why does it matter if another man's dick is loose unless that concerns you.

[Caller/Guest]

I mean, that's they business.

[Mike]

I'm just saying, like, I just feel.

[Caller/Guest]

As a grown man, you shouldn't be running boxes no more.

[Pat]

Wearing loose boxes is kind of crazy.

[Mike]

It is crazy.

[Pat]

I just think it's just like. What? It's just a lot. That's a lot of wedgies.

[Gene]

I mean, when I was younger, I used to like want to upgrade to boxers.

[Pat]

I thought briefs were like exactly in reverse.

[Gene]

Tidy whitey's briefs boxes.

[Mike]

No.

[Pat]

If you were. I don't know. I'll judge you if you're wearing tidy whiteies.

[Gene]

I'm talking about.

[Pat]

No, no, I know. I'm just saying now though.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. Not even as a kid, you shouldn't.

[Pat]

Be wearing tidy wadies, bro. What's your message? What's your message to everybody wearing loose boxers right now, man?

[Caller/Guest]

Just gonna upgrade, bro. Get out of that kitty ass. It's not the early 2000s, late 90s no more, bro.

[Mike]

Okay, do you want them to put the bot. The new draws on in front of you or.

[Caller/Guest]

No, they ain't got to do that. I ain't ask for all that.

[Mike]

I just told them they're just out of style.

[Caller/Guest]

They're just out of style.

[Mike]

I ain't say I want to poop.

[Pat]

I just said boxes is out of style.

[Mike]

Now you said loose dudes out of style.

[Pat]

We asked the questions, bro. You got it, bro. All right. You have a good one.

[Mike]

Give me that tight dick.

[Pat]

What the.

[Caller/Guest]

What's going on?

[Mike]

You said all that.

[Caller/Guest]

Hello.

[Mike]

What's up?

[Caller/Guest]

What's good?

[Pat]

What up? What up?

[Mike]

What's the deal? I had a Question for you. All right, go ahead. Get right to a question. You sound kind of boring. All right. Name something that you do that people might think is weird.

[Caller/Guest]

I stand up to wipe my ass.

[Pat]

People don't do that. Wait, y' all, sit down and watch your.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay, so I'm not the only one.

[Pat]

No, no, no. I do that, too. I.

[Mike]

Man, I feel like I do. I feel like I do, like, a halfway stand.

[Gene]

It's a crouch.

[Mike]

Yeah. It's like, I'm also talking about. I'm definitely not sitting down all the way.

[Pat]

What you talking about?

[Caller/Guest]

I'm talking about standing, like, straight up.

[Mike]

But your cheeks punching together if you're standing up. So how are you wiping?

[Caller/Guest]

Listen, I don't know. I don't know where it started at or, like. But as long as I can remember, I've been standing up and I've tried to, like, crouch over a little bit, but I ain't gonna lie. I just kind of. I grabbed my cheek with one hand, and the other hand. I got toilet tissue.

That's up.

[Pat]

Spreading your own cheeks. Micro ass is crazy, bro.

[Caller/Guest]

Wow. Standing.

[Mike]

No, not the. I heard of the money spread. Not the ass spread, though. Oh, my God. He opened the cheeks up. It's crazy.

[Pat]

Oh, man. Wow.

[Caller/Guest]

Really?

[Pat]

When did you discover that? When did you discover that? It was, like, not a common thing then? Because obviously you. You. When. I. I kind of agree with you at the beginning, but I do a little crouch thing, too, though. But I heard that. High school. Go ahead.

[Caller/Guest]

When I was in high school, we started talking, like, randomly about it one day, and everybody looked at me like.

[Mike]

Are you talking about everybody else? Say they do.

[Caller/Guest]

They said. They just kind of. You said just kind of lean over, crouch over. But what really did it for me was my ex. A couple years ago, we had finally got to the stage where we was, like, you know, chilling up to, like, walk into the bathroom and stuff. And it was the first time she seen me taking a. And she walked in, and I was standing up watching my ass, and she said, what the are you doing?

[Mike]

Okay.

[Pat]

That's such a word.

[Mike]

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's just. I'm trying to, like, get the picture. Not a crazy picture. Yeah, but are you standing straight? Like, your back is straight, or do you have, like, a slight bend to your back? Like. I'm trying to understand it.

[Caller/Guest]

I mean, I'm standing. I'm standing straight up. I do kind of. I kind of bend a little big, so it does spread a little bit.

[Mike]

Nobody asked you for that last part. Nobody asked you for a spread part, bro.

[Pat]

Back.

[Caller/Guest]

You asked me about standing straight up. Or do I.

[Mike]

He has to go. He has to go. He has to go front to back in that position.

[Caller/Guest]

No, you can't go front to back.

[Pat]

No, you got to go front to back.

[Mike]

But no, he has to go front to back.

[Pat]

You.

[Caller/Guest]

So you be getting on your forearm.

[Pat]

You have to go. I don't know what's front. What's front? The front.

[Mike]

Front is the gooch to the back.

[Pat]

So what's the back?

[Caller/Guest]

The back is from the crack.

[Mike]

I don't know who. Who wiped the crack to the balls? No, the crack to balls is crazy.

[Gene]

That's. The balls is crazy.

[Pat]

No. Yeah. I don't know.

[Caller/Guest]

Shitty balls.

[Pat]

No, he's trying to think of how I.

[Mike]

No, you definitely go front to back. I hope so. Yeah, I go from the back.

[Caller/Guest]

No, I do.

So it's front.

[Pat]

It's back, like from the down, right?

[Mike]

Back.

[Pat]

Back.

[Mike]

Back is going back.

[Pat]

Where's the back starting position?

[Caller/Guest]

The back starting position is down, right? Yeah, it's down.

[Pat]

But back to front. Yeah, that's the way people should. Right?

[Mike]

Wait, no, front to back.

[Caller/Guest]

Wait.

Front to back is from the glutes.

[Pat]

You have to do your hand like this.

[Mike]

The back is the exit.

[Gene]

That way up your back.

[Mike]

Back is that way. The back is the crap is this way.

[Gene]

I can't.

[Mike]

I don't know. So, like, people. People lift their ass up and go this way. No, you got to go back the other way.

[Pat]

I think I go back to front.

[Caller/Guest]

So you start from the crack.

[Mike]

That's front to back.

[Caller/Guest]

That's front to back. Yeah, because you start from the gooch and then go.

[Mike]

Wait, wait. So let me see.

[Caller/Guest]

Go ahead.

[Mike]

Which way you go? Oh, you about to up. Listen, I'm gonna let you know. Don't answer this question on the thing. Why? Because I'm so afraid. Because, bro, if you go back to gooch, bro, they gonna cook you. Really? Yeah.

[Caller/Guest]

Well, you got shitty balls.

[Mike]

I mean, you guys, you getting on your gooch.

[Pat]

I always. But the thing about with showers, I mean, with taking a shit, I always take a before I shower.

[Caller/Guest]

So you.

[Mike]

But. But still, man wipes, too.

[Pat]

Yeah. And I got man wipes.

[Mike]

Yeah, you got man wipes. You want to try to avoid the mess. Honestly, just because you got a mop don't mean you just be waiting your floor.

[Gene]

This might be too much information, but once I started using man wipes, I started doing both directions, right?

[Mike]

Because you're just like. You got the power, but Still.

[Pat]

Okay, back to you.

[Mike]

That thing doesn't kill you.

[Pat]

Back to you. So how do you. How are you. How you. How you wiping?

[Caller/Guest]

I'm going. I'm going front to back.

[Mike]

He's fine with that. That's not the problem.

[Pat]

Okay.

[Mike]

The problem is that this is grabbing a cheek and spreading.

[Pat]

Yeah, that's one hand. That's the wild part.

[Mike]

That's wild also.

[Caller/Guest]

All so.

[Pat]

Also, I don't think I've ever been that comfortable enough to take a. And not lock the door.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

If my girl.

[Caller/Guest]

So all. All seasons of, like, even if you have diarrhea, you standing up too.

[Pat]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

All seasons of all.

[Pat]

Right, bro.

[Mike]

A very interesting.

[Pat]

All right, bro, have a good one.

[Mike]

All seasons of I with that, the hard, the soft, the diarrhea. That like, it was Avatar States.

[Pat]

Yo, yo, what up?

[Mike]

What up? What's down? What's down? We got a question for you.

[Pat]

What's up? Oh, my God. You always gonna get the last one. Go ahead.

[Mike]

It's your show, bro.

[Pat]

No, go ahead, host, bro. We're tired. Anyway. Anyway, what's something that annoys you that shouldn't. Something that annoys me that shouldn't is when you be out with, you know.

[Caller/Guest]

Somebody, and y' all out for dinner.

[Pat]

And this gonna grab the same exact.

[Caller/Guest]

Thing that I grabbed.

[Pat]

So, like, I got this one homie that I usually be popping out with, and I put him onto this one little Italian spot.

[Caller/Guest]

Cool, right?

[Pat]

This thing is like, oh, what's good?

[Caller/Guest]

What's good? He be.

[Pat]

He'd be asking like, ah, you know, this looks good, this Italian stuff.

[Mike]

I'm like, okay, let me order.

[Pat]

I'm a simple.

[Caller/Guest]

I grab a chicken parm.

[Pat]

I grab it with a little extra mozzarella.

[Caller/Guest]

Little secret.

[Pat]

Secret that I have too.

[Caller/Guest]

I ain't even gonna put it out there. But this. It's his turn, and he gonna be.

[Pat]

Like, oh, you know what? Just do the same exact thing as him.

[Caller/Guest]

Like, damn.

Be original.

[Pat]

I feel it to a certain extent because if. If I bring it to a restaurant, you gotta at least change something on your plate. We're not. Don't say the same thing. Like, get, get. We sometimes we get the same thing, but you get, like, a spice level, like, different than mine.

[Mike]

Nah.

[Pat]

Or you ask for a different. Right. Or you'll modify it.

[Mike]

Hey, pipe down.

[Pat]

Little.

[Mike]

The host was just talking.

[Gene]

Hold on.

[Mike]

But no, I. If that's not your date, like, if I'm on a date with my girl, she gets the same thing as me. Now I'm mad because we can try each other food.

[Pat]

Yeah, I. I get mad.

[Mike]

Your food does not. My friend's food does not concern me. Unless y' all feeding each other or something some. Is that what you're telling me?

[Pat]

This trying to n my.

[Mike]

I'm just at least like, have like, some type of direct solo dates to Italian.

[Pat]

Why you. This.

[Caller/Guest]

This. No, that's what you just said.

This.

[Mike]

Hey, Pat.

[Pat]

Pat be definitely ordering the same as.

[Caller/Guest]

Mike from time to time, bro.

[Pat]

I know.

[Caller/Guest]

I know.

[Pat]

He be doing.

[Mike]

Matter of fact.

[Pat]

Matter of fact, I know.

[Caller/Guest]

I know. I know.

[Pat]

You. You be going out shopping with this.

[Caller/Guest]

Grabbing the same exact T shirt.

[Mike]

I think. I think you got a little.

[Pat]

We definitely ordered the same thing before.

[Mike]

Not that you got some little parasocial like you think you and our friend group. All right, so y'.

[Caller/Guest]

All.

[Pat]

Y' all could go on dates together and order the same, but out here.

[Caller/Guest]

What?

[Mike]

But it's killing me, cuz you're talking to me like you know me or something. I don't like how you do.

[Caller/Guest]

Hey, damn near my.

[Pat]

I be listening to y' all every day.

[Mike]

And I be lying every day. Hey.

[Caller/Guest]

You a fake ass.

[Mike]

Fake ass? Yeah. I'mma tell you one time. You a ho.

[Pat]

All right, bro. You have a good one.

[Caller/Guest]

All right, take care, little.

[Mike]

Yo, what's the deal? Welcome to Crash on Me's podcast.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, hey, man. Thank y' all for having me, man. Hey, I'm glad y' all called back, man.

[Pat]

Okay.

[Mike]

Was this me?

[Pat]

Yeah, and we're not sure if we're glad yet, so we'll hold our comment to after the call.

[Mike]

Yeah, true. All right, I got a question for you.

[Caller/Guest]

Go ahead.

[Mike]

What's the strangest thing you spent your money on?

[Caller/Guest]

So the strangest thing I actually spent my money on. I was probably about 15, and I bought my dad a dildo as a birthday.

[Pat]

You said what?

[Caller/Guest]

I bought my dad. My father. I bought him a dildo as a birthday present. So, look, let me tell you. Best 20 I ever spent, right? I bought it for him as like a. Like a shits and giggles joke. You feel me?

[Pat]

That's how you and your dad.

[Caller/Guest]

White people. Yeah. Yeah, it was pretty funny.

[Pat]

Okay, makes sense. Go ahead.

[Caller/Guest]

So. So yeah, he didn't know what it was until hanging around, hitting the ceiling and sticking on the right. So first, like, I bought my mom in her room. She peeped it. She started dying laughing, right? But. But I have a little sister. Like, bring it out to the living room. You feel me? I don't want her seeing all that I'm a decently good person. So then, yeah, he saw it. You know, I flinged up on the roof, stuck it up on, pretty impressed. Good skills. And then it kind of became like a house pet. It's. Its name is Griffin, actually, if you were curious at all.

[Mike]

Wait, how. How old are you now?

[Caller/Guest]

Me? I'm 21.

[Pat]

The.

[Mike]

The dildo's still at your parents house.

[Caller/Guest]

And the silicone still work. That still stick to every surface.

[Mike]

Wait, you guys.

[Pat]

That thing has stuck up good. You guys kept the dildo.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, if I'm being honest, I'm pretty sure it's in my little brother's mini fridge.

[Mike]

Oh, man.

[Pat]

Like, where did the joke idea come from? I'm just trying to see, like, the root of this.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, see, you know, I was coming up through puberty around that time. I had to be no more than 15, 16. So, of course, anything that had to do with genitals, well, you know, it was ideally funny. So, you know, why not just get a nice, white, veiny dildo around my white household?

[Mike]

I'm trying to figure, okay, the problem is not you. You were young. What's. Like, why are your parents keeping a dildo around their house?

[Caller/Guest]

Like I said, it's like a house pet. You feel me? It's Griffin. His name is Griffin. We've all named him. It's almost like a house pet.

[Pat]

Like, what happens, like, when guests come over? Like, how does that. How's that explained?

[Caller/Guest]

It stays in the mini fridge.

[Pat]

And nobody ever gets thirsty.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. No, no. They'll be left with a pleasant surprise.

[Mike]

So I'm just glad it's unused, that's all that matter.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, yeah. Squeaky clean still from the first day.

[Pat]

Virgin or some shit. You never know. Where'd you get it from, first of all? And who let you buy that at 15?

[Caller/Guest]

Got off a teemu.

[Mike]

A cheap dildo.

[Pat]

All right, man.

[Caller/Guest]

Hey, it was a great birthday present.

[Pat]

All right. All right, bro. You have a good one.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, y' all, too. The auto listeners.

[Mike]

Nice. He that up. Say it again.

[Pat]

We're taking a quick break from the podcast, so thank today's sponsor, Sea Geek.

[Mike]

So, I've been meaning to get to a Brewers game, but I'm very afraid that when I go, their winning streak is going to end and people are going to know, because I'm going to take pictures while I'm there.

[Pat]

Yeah, I think you always should wait till after the results of the game to post that you're there, first of all.

[Mike]

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[Pat]

Each ticket is rated on a scale from 1 to 10. So you know when you're getting a good deal. So you're always going to look for green dots. Green dots means good, red means bad. I think that should be. I feel like that's common knowledge with anything when you identifiers green, you see green, you see red. It's like a.

[Mike]

Some people. You know what I'm talking about.

[Pat]

It's good, bro. Plus, every ticket is backed by their buyer guarantee.

[Mike]

Yeah. And y' all know y' all boys came through for y'.

[Caller/Guest]

All.

[Mike]

Okay, so you can use the code dummies10 for 10 off your next set of tickets. That's the SeatGeek. That's 10% off any tickets with promo code dummies10. Make sure you click the link in the description to download the app and have the code automatically added to your account so you can use it later. Appreciate you se Back to the podcast. Are you ready to dairy free your mind this summer?

[Caller/Guest]

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[Mike]

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[Caller/Guest]

How you doing?

[Mike]

I'm good in it.

[Pat]

Good, good. I got a question for you. What's. What's up sir? What's something that annoys you but shouldn't?

[Caller/Guest]

All right, so one thing that annoys me, I shouldn't is when my mother in law comes around, bro, she got that cake for days and my girl is flatter than paper. That's it. Y' all quiet.

[Pat]

So when you. You call her your mother in law. So you. This is your. Your wife you're talking about, right?

[Caller/Guest]

Fiance?

[Pat]

Beyonce. Okay.

[Caller/Guest]

My fault, my fault.

[Pat]

Now you're good, you're good. Why are you looking at Your mother in law's ass like that, bro.

[Mike]

I'm not looking.

[Caller/Guest]

That is just in my face. Well, so it's looking at me.

[Mike]

But how does it get to a point where it annoys you is a question.

[Caller/Guest]

I'm not trying to get caught looking. You know what I mean?

[Mike]

Oh, so you saying. I get what you're saying. It's annoying because you got to stay on your p's and Q's.

[Pat]

No, no, no. He said. Yeah, he said his girl's ass is flat.

[Mike]

Yes, he's. He's annoyed that his mom's. His mom in law's asses. No, no, no.

[Caller/Guest]

Her mom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Her mom.

[Mike]

Yeah. You annoyed.

[Caller/Guest]

No, no, no, no, no, no. It's hurt. She got the cake for days.

[Mike]

Her mom does.

[Caller/Guest]

Her mom does. My girl is flatter than paper. So she didn't inherit those genes.

[Mike]

That's what I'm saying. But it's annoying that your mom is walking around with that thickness.

[Caller/Guest]

Her mom. Her mom.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah.

[Caller/Guest]

Like Mike was trying to say, you know, I was trying to be on my p's and q's so I gotta look up, look at the wall, look at, you know, paper, random. You know what I mean?

[Mike]

I mean, or you could just get it over with and just tell everybody.

[Pat]

So does it annoy you? Does it annoy you because she didn't inherit her mom's genes for an ass?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, low key. Low key. But, you know, sometimes when the mom comes around, I gotta get up, walk out the room.

[Pat]

Is that bad?

[Mike]

Oh, you know what that means?

[Pat]

What?

[Mike]

That means that technically your girlfriend has her dad's ass and that's what you touch every day. A replica of her dad's ass.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, that might be true. That might be true.

[Pat]

Nah, you should love your girl, bro. Flat.

[Caller/Guest]

You know, that's why I'm not trying to, like, you know, make her feel bad.

[Pat]

It's not. There's one thing. Yeah, you said flat as paper. I'm pretty sure that. I'm pretty sure that's gonna make her feel bad.

[Mike]

He like, dad, booty, bro.

[Pat]

But that's what you attracted to. That's what she got you with that paper ass.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, she knows she's a little personality, you know, she's a little white girl and she knows my history. My history was, you know, those Spanish girls, you know, I mean.

[Mike]

Oh, so you got it.

[Pat]

All right, okay.

[Caller/Guest]

She knows all my history. Yeah. Yeah.

[Mike]

So it don't sound like. It don't sound like she should be your fiance. It sounds like you just took whoever would take you at the time.

[Caller/Guest]

She's a good girl.

[Mike]

No, you talking about. You're talking about her like she attempt job or some.

[Caller/Guest]

Nah, man, she's good. She's good. But like I said, I wasn't expecting her mom to have the cake like that. You know what I mean?

[Mike]

What's your message to her mom?

[Caller/Guest]

If you can give her one, Please stay around. Please stay away from me.

[Mike]

Both, huh?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Pat]

It right?

[Caller/Guest]

A little bit. Yeah, a little bit.

[Pat]

All right.

[Caller/Guest]

Y' all have a good one.

[Pat]

All right.

[Caller/Guest]

Hello.

[Pat]

How's it going?

[Caller/Guest]

I'm good. And you?

[Pat]

Pretty good. Pretty good. I got a question for you. Yes. What's something that you have zero respect for?

[Caller/Guest]

I would say baby mamas who think that they could still. Like, if I'm dating your baby daddy and you think you could still him, it's kind of crazy.

[Mike]

Okay, how many, like, are you, like, the baby daddy slayer or something? How many, like, how many times you've been in this situation?

[Caller/Guest]

This was my first time being in the situation, but it was a baby mama. I didn't know about. Like, I knew about two of the baby mamas. Come to find out, it was like, four baby mamas.

[Mike]

God damn.

[Pat]

Damn.

[Mike]

I wanna know.

[Pat]

You're a strong soul. You are a very, like, understanding person. Cause two baby daddies, I mean, two baby moms with one person is, like, that's kind of a lot to deal with. That's a lot. That's a lot to enter with.

[Mike]

No, that's.

[Pat]

That.

[Mike]

That's not good. How long did it take you to figure that out?

[Caller/Guest]

He told me off Rip, So, like, I don't have any kids, so I know that sounds even more crazy, but it was worth it. I can tell you that. It was worth it.

[Mike]

Got it. But I'm just saying, how long did you find. Did it take you to find out? The next two.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, so you know when this T app came out, he got posted and come to find out it was the third baby mama.

[Pat]

So he was cheating and he had two other baby mamas.

[Caller/Guest]

No. So the third baby mama, the baby was already born. The baby was born at the same time. The last first, like, from the second baby mama.

[Mike]

I'm. I'm so confused on which baby mama we talk, but that don't even matter. Yeah. So when did you find out about the fourth one? So you found out the third through the T app. Then the fourth one came from where.

[Caller/Guest]

The bit. The third baby mama, she told me, because she was like, oh, my God. I can't believe you're messing with him. He got a newborn and I was like, well, I've been messing with him for four years, so.

[Pat]

Oh, he got crazy.

[Mike]

He got a newborn and you've been messing with him four years? I'm not that good at math, but.

[Pat]

Yes, he wasn't cheating.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay, look, the last year, the last of the fourth year was kind of like on and off. And that's when the, the newborn was created.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Only thing on and off is him on and off his baby mama.

[Caller/Guest]

So you gotta honestly. So when you found out, you know.

[Pat]

When you found out I left with no kids. Yeah, that's true.

[Mike]

Well, in your stomach. You put him in the right spot.

[Pat]

So when you found out, did you continue messing with him or was that like the final straw for you?

[Caller/Guest]

That was the final straw. But like I started. He told me not to say anything to her, but she started talking to me crazy. It was like, oh, I just messed with him last week. So me, I would be petty with you. So I was like, oh, me too. And she was like, oh, how could if he have been there with you if he was here with me? And I was like, I don't think so. I just. Him last week, like.

[Mike]

So this, this, this baby mama number three you arguing with right now?

[Caller/Guest]

Yes.

[Mike]

And you didn't even go through baby number. Baby mama number one. She not doing it in the correct order. You can't skip late to level three, so.

[Caller/Guest]

Well, baby mama number three was the most drama.

[Pat]

I feel it. So back to your first and come.

[Caller/Guest]

To find out we were in this. We're in the same city. Like we're in the same city and never came across each other.

[Pat]

Okay, so back to. Back to your first statement. It was. The thing that you have zero respect for is that baby mamas that think they could their baby daddies, even though you're with them.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, because like, why would you think that if he wanted to you he would go back and you.

But he don't want you.

Like he literally sitting here telling me he don't want you and you're over here in my ear like, oh, I could do it. I could do it. Okay, then come get him.

[Mike]

So you believe anything he said? No, I don't believe the math is.

[Pat]

Because.

[Mike]

She said there was. So he's basically saying every time he had a kid on you because how old are his kids?

[Caller/Guest]

He only had one kid on me. So that was the newborn.

[Mike]

But he also lied about having the newborn and the two baby Mamas, So that's strike two.

[Caller/Guest]

No, he lied about the third baby mama. I knew about one and two. I didn't know about three and four. Three and four? Three was actually around before me and him, but he just didn't claim the kid.

[Mike]

I'm just saying. But you. Are you grouping three and four together as one mistake. You a very forgiving person. She said baby mama, same name.

[Pat]

But the other thing is that you're saying that she said that. That he could. She could him anytime, or he didn't want her. Stuff like that. But he did want her because he went and had sex with her.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

When they had the kid. But he ain't her sis, and the kid was like, for it.

[Mike]

So why is he. Why is he on a T app then? Why she put him on a T?

[Caller/Guest]

Because she. Because she wants him, and she don't want nobody else. She's like the. The overseer of the baby mamas. Like, she want to know what he's doing down the street, so she's trying.

[Mike]

To figure out how much money you got in your bank account.

[Pat]

Account. What the.

[Mike]

Regardless of the number, would you be willing to bet that amount of money that he wasn't the third baby mama when he was with you? Bet at all? If you wrong, you got nothing.

[Caller/Guest]

No, I bet he was because I ended up finding out that he was cheating on me. Like, I want to say within, like, the first two years.

[Mike]

Oh, you don't say. You know what I'm saying?

[Caller/Guest]

But it wasn't with a baby mom. It was a whole different one.

[Pat]

Yes, that's a difference.

[Mike]

No, it wasn't with a different girl. That's going. That's number five right there. You just don't know.

[Pat]

Oh, man.

[Caller/Guest]

N. In the picture, she showed me a text message, and she took the plan B pill, so.

[Mike]

Oh, at this point. At this point, like, he don't even respect you enough to be in his starting lineup. You literally like the assistant coach.

[Caller/Guest]

Like, I don't want to be in a certain lineup.

[Mike]

Come on now.

[Caller/Guest]

Five kids.

[Mike]

Five kids. I think. I just think he don't want to get you pregnant. I don't know.

[Pat]

He.

[Caller/Guest]

Like, I don't want to get pregnant. No. By the grace of God, he been sparing me.

[Mike]

Wait, wait, wait. He been spared. Wait, you still talk to this dude?

[Caller/Guest]

No, I'm saying by other people as well.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Caller/Guest]

Well, I mean, I talk to him when I want to talk shit to him and be like, wow, you got. Got four baby mamas and five kids. You must Be a idiot.

[Mike]

Oh, you still hit him up. Oh, you still want you.

[Pat]

Not like that. No, I get it. But that, that line of communication is still open. So he's just like one drunk night away or. Or one sad day away from like.

[Mike]

Hey, she probably got number 5 jersey on right now. I know what you want to do.

[Caller/Guest]

Never, never, never.

[Mike]

That two guard spot. Oh, she want that.

[Caller/Guest]

I can't go outside like that. I ain't got no kids.

[Pat]

I feel it. All right, you have a good one. All right.

[Mike]

Okay, so there to start my tweet of the week is actually audio tweet that I found. I'm not sure where they got the audio. They might have got it from Tick tock. But there was this guy that made a skit about Hawaiian Punch. And you grew up with Hawaiian Punch too, right, Gene? Yes, sir. You had it before. And obviously I'm not gonna ruin a video, but we know what our complaint about Hawaiian Punch has always been. So just play the video though.

[Pat]

I wonder what your complaint was.

[Mike]

It's in the video.

[Pat]

I didn't want to ruin this. I feel. I feel like it. Gentlemen, I present to you the drink that's going to revolutionize the beverage industry research and developments and over samples this morning. Please have a taste. This is syrup. It's weird. I can see the ice cubes in it, but when I drink it, it still feels room temperature. I've almost drank the entire glass, but I'm still thirsty. Precisely what has been the goal of every drink that you can think of for as long as you can remember. Something that's fun, easy to drink, quenches your thirst.

[Mike]

Satisfying.

[Pat]

We're going in the opposite direction. Doing a complete 180. Making a drink that makes you thirstier. Making a drink that never satiates your thirst. And we plan on selling this by the leader. By the gallon. By the gallon. Only by the gallon. It'll look like the perfect drink when it's stocked on the shelves because there's so much of it. But it won't be the perfect drink because it never satisfies your thirst. Yes. Think birthday parties, reunions, barbecues, large work meetings. Everybody will want a gallon of Hawaiian Punch, thinking it'll be the perfect drink to satisfy everybody's thirst. But it's only going to make everybody thirsty. Genius.

[Mike]

Genius. But I just realized that Hawaiian Punch never came in a smaller. Like they came with those cans and stuff. Yeah, but it never came in like a smaller thing that you could drink.

[Pat]

The fruit punch did make you feel thirsty. As hell, bro. You had to drink water after drinking that.

[Mike]

No, it never quenches your thirst. You're going to keep drinking that over and over again.

[Gene]

If you bring up fruit punch for, like, Latinos over there, and I don't know if you guys. Tampico.

[Pat]

Oh, that dude, Tapico tasted very. What's the word I'm looking for? Thick.

[Mike]

Yeah, like, it was something else. Yeah, yeah.

[Pat]

It tasted thick.

[Mike]

No, it's like.

[Gene]

It's like. Yeah, it's like a creamy kind of.

[Mike]

Yeah, it's like creamy juice. All right. Another tweet of the week. It was this random dude tweeting, and he said he was responding to something and basically said, if you want to stop being treated like a little brother, stop acting like one. That was in, like, response to somebody else, like, complaining. There's another dude that responded to him, said, Jeff, which is the guy's name, then tweeted. What is your ethnic background? I'm deeply interested in calling you a slur.

[Pat]

This is being honest.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah. I like to find the angle. What are you.

[Pat]

Bro.

[Mike]

Okay. A video is currently going around of a man beating up five women who tried to jump his wife. Most of the women are sharing it and saying he should go to prison because men should never step into a girl's fight.

[Caller/Guest]

Men.

[Mike]

If five women jumped your wife, would you jump in?

[Pat]

Hey, I'm jumping in.

[Gene]

You have to.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Jumping in and doing what?

[Pat]

Breaking up the fight.

[Mike]

Breaking up the fight. Breaking up the fight.

[Pat]

Would you say, Keith whooping their ass?

[Caller/Guest]

I'm not breaking up nothing.

[Pat]

There's five of y' all versus one.

[Caller/Guest]

Y' all don't deserve to get broken up after.

[Gene]

I've seen. I've seen. It looks really weird, but I've seen men's like, you know, dudes with his girls. She's getting jumped on and, like, they jump on her and, like, cover her up. You know what I'm saying? Like, from getting, like, stomped out and.

[Pat]

Shit like that, they could stump me up.

[Gene]

Maybe he. He doesn't want to hit. Hit the girls. You know what I'm saying? Like, he's not trying to, like, jump in and, like, beat the ass. He just wants to make sure his girl's safe. Maybe he got too many morals.

[Mike]

My thing is, it's just like, okay, I'm only going to try to be the mediator one time. You got one time with me. Like, yo, chill. Because sometimes you see in those situations, you see in the videos that the girls won't touch the boyfriend. Yeah, the girls Are only trying to get the girl. And, like, basically it's a dude standing in front. So if it's like that, like, I'm never going to swing. Swing first. But, like, if I feel.

[Pat]

If.

[Mike]

If two women touch my girl. Yeah, I'm touching two women.

[Pat]

That's crazy.

[Caller/Guest]

So what you gonna do them?

[Mike]

Huh? That's. Whoa. That's so crazy.

[Caller/Guest]

That's not. Cause you said if two girls touch my girl, I'm touching them.

[Mike]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Caller/Guest]

So what the does that equivalent to.

[Mike]

I'm gonna beat their ass? I don't know. Don't touch my girl. All right, so I. Message of the week. All right. That I got from a listener. All right, so we'll try to do this once a week. I'm trying not to encourage a lot of messages, but I see. It doesn't matter what I do, so.

[Pat]

Okay.

[Mike]

Okay. Somebody messaged me and said basically they had an idea. They say Crash Dummies podcast Tidy whities. Pre stain. Call them Pat smear there.

[Pat]

Yeah, that person needs. That person needs. Jesus, bro.

[Mike]

They need. Bro. They need help, bro.

[Caller/Guest]

Who.

Who would the stain come from, though?

[Mike]

That's what I'm. They said pre stain, so it has to crash on me.

[Caller/Guest]

So everybody got a. Had a stain. The tidy whitey.

[Mike]

Yeah, Just pass him on like n. Everybody. Hey. Hey, Mike. I ain't get the underwear this week. Where they at? No, they just doing. They just pushing out my scent this Monday. Gonna do yours next month. Didn't you get a crazy message?

[Pat]

Yes, I had another tweet too, but I'll say that one too. Basically, it was a video of me carrying, like, weights down a driveway. And then someone said to me, did it remind you of carrying buckets of water in Nigeria? Right. I was like, okay, that was kind.

[Mike]

Of funny at first. At first. But wait it for me.

[Pat]

It wasn't. I was like, okay, that's random. And I clicked on the person. I thought it was like, a dude that said it. It was a. A white lady. I don't think she's white. She might be served in black and white.

[Mike]

Yeah, she white.

[Pat]

Be mixed.

[Mike]

She mixed racism.

[Pat]

There's another tweet I saw that was funny. That was actually a Facebook post. It said, black people watching some black people watching slave movies. Quotation. They would have had to kill me. I feel like people always. People always swear that things wouldn't happen to them if. If that. If they're in that position.

[Mike]

I think they right, though.

[Pat]

You think so?

[Mike]

Yeah, if they think like that, I think what Happened. But I think a lot of people don't look up the history. Yeah, there were people like that.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

There were people that when it was on a ship, they jumped off the ship and then. Or people when they got over to America, it was like. Like, I'm not doing. I don't give a. What y' all talking about. Like, and those people either did what they did or did what they didn't. You know what I'm saying? So, like, definitely people like that.

[Caller/Guest]

Which one do y' all think y' all were?

[Pat]

I don't know. I think it depends because it's easy to say now because you have the. You have the experience of freedom.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

And equal rights and stuff like that.

[Mike]

It's almost disrespectful to answer that question. Yeah, I would have. Like, no, you don't know. You hate when people do that in anything. That's like you telling me about a car accident you was in. Like you saw. You said he was behind the car.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

I would have swore right where you crashed at. I would swerve right there.

[Caller/Guest]

No, I would have jumped off for sure.

[Mike]

You jumped off.

[Pat]

Yeah, I would have jumped off.

[Mike]

Damn. You probably would have sent the back. The other one.

[Pat]

Oh, my gosh.

[Caller/Guest]

That was ass. I can't even.

[Mike]

That was.

[Pat]

We didn't even introduce Keita.

[Mike]

He just popped in this.

[Pat]

I saw the thing that said. It says small talk with barbers and hairstylists can either be therapy or torture. And it's true.

[Mike]

You never know.

[Pat]

You never know. This. It. It also depends the mood you're in, I guess, because there's moments where especially early cuts, sometimes I really don't feel like talking. Like, there's nothing. There's. There's nothing to really talk about. We didn't even experience the day yet. Are you talking about yesterday's problems? Is like, you should have got over that already. It's like a new day type. Right.

[Mike]

I'm in. I'm in a different mode, though. I'm kind of like in my mode a little bit.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

I like when the barber got they problems going on. Like, tell me about yourself.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Because answering questions, boy, while you're getting, like, lined up and you just be like, ah. When your barber got some drama going on.

[Pat]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

That's what. That's what I'm. I like.

[Pat]

I like. I like what the barber's venting to me or whoever's in the circle. The service industry is very Benton to me. It's a little bit easier because I could just. I Can survive that whole conversation with, like, three words and not. And one of them might not be your words.

[Mike]

Just like, ah.

[Caller/Guest]

And it's super hard to talk while you're getting your haircut.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Caller/Guest]

I'd be scared to move my eyebrows.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Oh, my bad.

[Mike]

You good?

[Pat]

Yeah, it just. Just dropped my gun.

[Mike]

Well.

[Pat]

As they slide in my hand.

[Mike]

Yeah. Yeah, I'm taking that. But yeah, I'm super pessimistic when people do that. Like, regardless of barber or not, if you're coming to me with relationship problems, I only got one line for you, brother.

[Pat]

What?

[Mike]

You better leave her. Doesn't sound like it's getting better to me, man. I don't give a which, bro. Sometimes I feel like she don't believe in me. Yep. Get rid of her, bro.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

There's some points you hear people about people's relationship and stuff like that is, you know, they.

[Caller/Guest]

There's.

[Pat]

There's no point of return.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

So it's like, what, you're just gonna keep. I. And it gets to a point where you get tired of hearing the same story over and over when you already gave them advice and what to do or maybe, like, some different ways to approach it, and they don't listen to anything, and they'll be like, oh, I already tried that. Or like, no. Or the worst is saying your idea won't work after they at them asking you for advice. I'm like, no, that's not gonna work. I already, like, she not like that. Like that. She won't listen to, like, that, bro. They want.

[Mike]

Then what the. You want me to say, I get what you said, or they try to give you a counter argument. I hate that argument you give. Like, I would have never been in this debate without you. Why are you giving me a counter argument? But I will say, though, some couples are weird like that. You've been around couples. The same couples I've been around, like, in college. People like, bro, they not gonna make it.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

You're just looking at each person's, like, set of brain cells. It's like, there's no way that this makes a good couple. Maybe, like, married with three kids. Like, what the. Like, they made it, bro. They was arguing about pizza rolls, bro.

[Caller/Guest]

I never thought they had a chance.

[Mike]

They got a whole kid. Kid together.

[Pat]

Now my friend has a food truck, and he just opened a food truck and stuff like that. And where at?

[Caller/Guest]

Why I can't worry about the food marketing business. Always market business.

[Pat]

Because what I'm about to say next, my friend.

[Mike]

No, no, KE KE the type of to pull up on a, on the, on the side of a food truck and say where you about to the park at? On.

[Pat]

On the way there.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah. Where you going from here?

[Pat]

Got the. Now he got the little donut thing on his light. It lights up like. Like.

[Mike]

I see. You see a lot of people hungry over here. You going to keep driving? Uhuh. Food truck pull over. They ticket is a free meal.

[Pat]

But he has a food truck and just open it and he was like like. So I went there just supporting like that. But what I don't like is that when I was getting the first plate right, it was a burger. And then he puts the camera on me like I can't even. That's funny. So like I don't want it to experience my first bite of something I've never tried on camera because it's like now I have to like. Cuz now I don't know if I'm like. I don't know if I'm overacting or like underacting.

[Gene]

You gotta perform.

[Pat]

You never know because like how do you like. Because people know me, they know I'm not gonna get on camera. Be like damn bro, I had never tasted anything like this before. I just say.

[Caller/Guest]

It was a burger, right?

[Pat]

It's a burger. Okay.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Caller/Guest]

I thought this had hot dogs.

[Pat]

Wait, what school?

[Mike]

No, that's crazy.

[Pat]

But then if I, you know, do the same that you normally do is like really expressionless and even it's like, oh, he don't even like that burger. Especially me when people see me give a review. A review of anything. You know, we do a lot of paid ads and stuff like that. So it's just like oh no, you don't really like that. Because people will always message me when I post something. Do you actually like this? Or so before I order there's some things I'd be like, yeah, and there's some things I. There's. There's shoots I've done before in the past. There's like with products was like I personally might have not got it myself. But it's. I'll tell you about the quality of it and it's a good quality.

[Mike]

You should have pranked his ass. That would be the first time I used yuck in a long time.

[Caller/Guest]

Yuck.

[Mike]

That is record that.

[Pat]

That is my Safegate though. My sarcasm. My sarcasm. It's really good bro. That type of.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah. Like damn, it's so good. Almost said it was nasty.

[Pat]

But I, I don't like when I Think I saw Instagram real about that. When you go to, like, these farmers markets and stuff like that, and they legit would start recording you when you get your plate. Like, one time I had a lady said, I already opened the box, already took a bite. She's like, oh, can we do it again? I gotta.

[Gene]

Oh, that's crazy.

[Pat]

I gotta hand you the. The plate. So then it was awkward. So I'm chewing. So imagine this. I'm chewing, and then she has, like, the POV of her handing me the box again. So I'm like, like, looking stupid. And you never know what to do. It's like you grab the box, like. Yeah.

[Mike]

I would have turned around, bit the burger and firelight.

[Caller/Guest]

I would have threw that on the ground.

[Mike]

You threw it on the ground? That's crazy. You would never throw no food.

[Caller/Guest]

So you would have farted in front of their face. That ain't crazy.

[Mike]

Yeah. Don't record me. And I'm tooting my leg.

[Caller/Guest]

You just want to shake ass, man. That's crazy.

[Mike]

No, that's craz. I put my leg up, and the first thing you thought about was me was shaking my head.

[Caller/Guest]

You said, you gonna turn around, put your leg up and fart, bro. Exactly.

[Mike]

I can't fart like this.

[Caller/Guest]

You said she was gonna try to.

[Pat]

If you lift a leg up to fart.

[Mike]

Really? That's what I want.

[Pat]

Yeah, I guess. That is disrespectful. If you do this. That's actually like, when you did as a kid.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

When you try to, like, zoom past, like. What's it called? Crossfading.

[Mike]

Crossfading.

[Caller/Guest]

What the y' all be doing?

[Pat]

What is it called?

[Mike]

Oh, crop dusting. A new type of fart. CrossFit you have, bro, you got in your draw so you don't need to fart no more. And then you run past cross face. That sound dangerous.

[Pat]

I think I told this story too, before, and, like, the things that. Remember you said when you're a kid, you used to believe that you could get pregnant.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Pat]

And I think mine was, like. As I thought of ate a watermelon. See, I thought it was like, episode two.

[Mike]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[Pat]

I. If I ate a watermelon seed, I thought I was gonna turn into a tree. Or any type of seed.

[Mike]

Yeah. Like growing.

[Pat]

I'll turn it to tree. Yeah. What was the thing y' all kind of believed as a kid?

[Caller/Guest]

If I swallow gum, it was gonna get stuck to my intestines.

[Mike]

All right, that's, like, super believable.

[Pat]

That was super believable.

[Mike]

Because I had that same fear. Yeah, I had that same fear because.

[Pat]

They always say, don't digest the best if you swallow gum. Yeah, I should think it was gonna be like, I used to get so paranoid when I swallow gum, bro.

[Caller/Guest]

I used to cry, bro.

[Gene]

I think I answered this on a podcast pod before, but my uncle told me that this dog could fly, so I threw it down some steps.

[Mike]

What I want to say. I want to go out on a limb and say, if you've never, like, ever.

[Gene]

I might have cut it out.

[Mike]

I don't know. But, no, it never comes.

[Pat]

The way this one's gonna be. This one is the same way it would have been in the past. 1.

[Mike]

Babysit my son. No more.

[Gene]

I was a kid.

[Mike]

Your son said he. Spider Man?

[Caller/Guest]

No, I missed the wall.

[Pat]

I remember almost.

[Caller/Guest]

So you know how Spider man got.

[Pat]

Bit by a black widow?

[Caller/Guest]

So I was actively looking for black widows to bite me as a kid.

[Mike]

I could see that, like, depending on what age, but I could definitely.

[Pat]

What's the dog story?

[Gene]

So, yeah, we was just chilling, you know, at my grandma's house upstairs on the second floor, and we was watching cartoons and shit. And, you know, I like Superman when I was younger, so I'm probably locked in. I probably wasn't watching Superman. It's probably like some ninja turtle or something. But my. I remember my uncle telling me specifically, like, oh, yeah, the dog. You like. You like. You know, the things that fly. Like, the dog can fly. And I was like, really? He was like, yeah, yeah. So I, like, pick the dog up, and I go to the front steps. You know, everybody's like, all the OGs outside. My uncles and aunties and my grandma. And I was already locked in on, like, this dog's about to fly. Like, I've seen my. My grandma used to save birds and. And like. Like, when they get healed, she throw them out the front door, like, through the steps. You know, fly.

[Mike]

That's a bird.

[Gene]

My uncle actually ended up running down the back steps. When I went to the front steps, I threw the dog. It smacked, hit the ground, broke a couple legs. It survived.

[Mike]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I thought you was.

[Pat]

What?

[Mike]

I mean, like, I've seen people, like, drop like dogs, and it's like, the dog, okay, but it looked crazy, but to break legs.

[Gene]

It was a Chihuahua. It was like, a.

[Mike]

How many stairs?

[Gene]

It was probably, like, 18 steps.

[Caller/Guest]

Use a badass kid.

[Mike]

That's like, legit attempted murder.

[Pat]

I see. I see why you went to alternative school.

[Gene]

Hey, man, you said it was Superman.

[Pat]

They got the worst behavior. No, Gene do look like their name cornbread from the sinners movie. Nah, it's funny that Gene. I feel like Gene dresses up to the pod. I think he comes like.

[Gene]

It's a good Sunday fit, though. It's a good vibe.

[Pat]

Like, there's some fits. You come here, you don't wear out, though. I feel like you wear it just for the pot. I've wore this before, this whole fit.

[Gene]

I believe it's a new hat, but.

[Mike]

I wore this before that. Gene just need a chrome heart. Banjo.

[Pat]

I got a question for y'.

[Caller/Guest]

All.

[Pat]

Play it. How many bless you. How many bless yous does somebody get if they're sneezing?

[Mike]

Depends on if I know them or not.

[Pat]

Or how many bless yous in a row. This can somebody get you can't do?

[Caller/Guest]

No, Depends. Answer the question.

[Mike]

Depends on if I know him or not.

[Caller/Guest]

No. Hell no.

[Pat]

Say you know him.

[Mike]

I know him.

[Pat]

Yeah. 1. If you don't know him, 0. You don't say bless you to strangers. No, I've said bless you to strangers.

[Mike]

To me, that like, like, if, if you praying, bro, you got to keep your locked in. I don't like the people that be like, blessing everybody. Like, how can you.

[Gene]

Yeah, you can't really do that. I don't think that's fair.

[Mike]

Yeah, bless you. Bless you.

[Gene]

I didn't like when people used to, like, tell me that, like, when I was younger and I was still figuring out, like, what I believe in. And.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Gene]

And I was just, like, it was kind of offensive.

[Pat]

I feel like it's not even about a belief anymore. It's just, like, blessed, like manners, bro. Yeah, just blessed. You blessed.

[Mike]

But I think the it was for. Because they said your heart stops when you sneeze, which I think is untrue, but.

[Pat]

No, it is.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Caller/Guest]

It's not true.

[Mike]

I don't think.

[Pat]

Yes.

[Mike]

No, I don't think that's true. But they so, but they used to. But they used to say it was for that reason when I was growing up, these like. Oh, the person heart stop when they sneeze.

[Pat]

Oh. I think they said, like, your spirit for me was like, your spirit goes out your body and you say bless you, comes back.

[Mike]

Like, he frowned upon my. Like, I never heard that comes from. No, no, no.

[Caller/Guest]

That's up.

[Pat]

You, you made it sound. The first time you said it made it sound like that's what it actually was right now, but not what you actually believed before when. As a kid. No, I, I, I compare intelligence. It could Be true. The start stop thing could be, but it doesn't. It doesn't sound true.

[Mike]

No. But it definitely was believed by multiple people. I guarantee that.

[Gene]

You know what it just means like, like good health. You know what I'm saying? Like, be blessed. You know what I'm saying? Bless you. Sneezing.

[Mike]

Usually, like, if you sneeze, sound like you're getting sick. Yeah, real, bro. Like, there's random. You should be able to remember why you sneeze or know the reason why you sneeze every single time.

[Pat]

Yeah. So it says the pressure can momentarily slow down your heart rate, but it does not stop your heart.

[Mike]

Yes. So, yeah, that's what they.

[Pat]

But it was like the first. First thing when I was like, does your heart stop? And then.

[Mike]

It was like, it was like, widely believed. And like that. That's when I used to have, like, sneeze attacks when I was younger. I used to hold my heart like, no, no, no, no, no.

[Gene]

Now we say we. Nah, never mind. I was going to say we should get some callers with, like, a crazy sneezes. What's the craziest sneeze you've ever heard? Because I've heard some, like my brother's ex or his baby mama used to. She used to like, beatbox when she sneezed. He sound like.

[Pat]

No, that's crazy. That have been. That would have been.

[Gene]

I used to be like, what the number one.

[Mike]

So. So me and this girl, we both got sick at the same time, and we got sick from each other, so we decided to stick out the sickness together. You know what I mean?

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Mike]

And it was my first time, like, being super, super sick around a woman. And I didn't, like, really know, like, you got snot in front of somebody that you're trying to impress and like, that. So I was keeping it together. Like, I'm keeping my snot good. Like, she not seeing me blow my nose. I'm doing it in the bathroom or whatever from her. And it was one time I was, like, talking to her right before I was getting ready to leave. And, like, I let out a sneeze. But I didn't want to, like, sneeze all over. So I tried to be, like, real.

[Pat]

Like, macho about it.

[Mike]

Macho. I was like. And like, did that. And literally all you heard is, I like, no way. I just snorted in front of this girl.

[Caller/Guest]

I was just about to ask if y' all ever farted and sneezed at time. The same. Same time before.

[Mike]

Yeah. Only when I held it in but never like full exposure to like both.

[Caller/Guest]

That's like the most painful thing in the world.

[Mike]

It's like getting a train ran on you. I feel like I'm a fully sneeze and farted. Oh, you open, boy.

[Pat]

You open. Then close mouth sneezer.

[Mike]

Huh?

[Pat]

I'm a closed mouth sneezer.

[Caller/Guest]

Your eyes don't be falling out.

[Pat]

I do. But when. If I sneeze and it's like. That's like. I just feel like I lost all control, you know, you just. That weird feeling just so you feel violated a little bit. When some just like your body do that you didn't meant for mean for it to do. It's just a violation type of feeling.

[Mike]

No, that should have had you taking medicine. You sneeze out loud and you do that cuz you know, it's that little shiver at the you and you're like.

[Pat]

Let me go get some elderberries.

[Gene]

Sometimes you got to embrace the sneeze, bro.

[Pat]

You definitely got to embrace the sneeze.

[Mike]

You let it out out.

[Pat]

No, I just feel. You just feel like a climax. You just feel dirty when you like it. Do. Some do have that feeling especially like when you pee.

[Caller/Guest]

So you be nutting and sneezing then. You just said a climax, bro.

That's not.

[Mike]

That's not what always. You can climb on different things.

[Caller/Guest]

A climax only. So Usher was talking about. What was he talking about sneezing or was he talking about Nothing.

[Mike]

Usher was probably about talking. Talking about nothing.

[Pat]

I'm just saying the word.

[Caller/Guest]

I don't think it means actually an abrupt like explosion. It means an explosion.

[Mike]

No, that's not what climax.

[Caller/Guest]

That's what it means.

[Mike]

You can have a climax of the movie. Like the climax of the movie.

[Pat]

Yeah, the climax of the movie gets you there.

[Mike]

Yeah, but not an explosion though.

[Pat]

Yeah, the most intense, exciting or important point of something.

[Caller/Guest]

Exactly.

[Mike]

But it's not sex. So not just.

[Gene]

It's a sneeze.

[Caller/Guest]

So you. But you still busting a nut.

[Mike]

But I'm just saying. Okay, here, here, I got you. Because you keep.

[Caller/Guest]

Keep.

[Mike]

You see, let's stay on sex. And you say climax and climax is what?

[Pat]

Oh, what I just said the most intense, exciting or important point of something.

[Mike]

Right, right. Right. So, okay, you could be having sex with a girl, right? And your climax could be when you come. Right. Her climax is when you get the off her. You know what I mean?

[Pat]

But the most intense. It's the most intense though that might be.

[Mike]

Yeah, the most.

[Pat]

When she's a part, she can breathe now.

[Mike]

That we. No, but for real people, climaxes can be different.

[Pat]

It'll be different, though.

[Gene]

It'd be crazy when I sneeze, though. That would be crazy.

[Mike]

I would never sneeze again.

[Pat]

There's a lot of nut talk. This. This thing. Talk about nut on your face.

[Mike]

What? What I say that?

[Caller/Guest]

You said that.

[Mike]

Listen, it's just crazy. Listen, I'm trying to motivate people because, you know, people like. Okay, keep motivating with none on Facebook. Okay, I'll give you an example. Like when Key own the game with his friends, he always giving his friend, like, his friends. He got friends as delusional. Like, we be playing 2k with some of his friends. Some of his friends be like 3 for 19 to just be like, niggas ball hogging. Like, bro, you three for 19. And Kibi trying to tell him. So, like, sometimes things that you say to your friends don't hit their brain, right? So sometimes you gotta cut through, man.

[Caller/Guest]

You doing both right now. You gotta get to the nothing on the face part.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah.

[Caller/Guest]

Get to the nothing on the face. You gonna be real or you gonna be chill?

[Pat]

That sentence sounds so crazy. All the sex, the foreplay, nothing it. I'm coming here for nut on my face.

[Mike]

That cut me off. Where's the nut?

[Caller/Guest]

Bringing everybody else into it that want.

[Pat]

The nut so bad.

[Caller/Guest]

Move on.

[Mike]

Okay, I just want to tell him, Nicole, but I was just saying, like, life going to get you. You hit you hard. Get that nut off your face. Get up and get back to it.

[Caller/Guest]

Well, who nutted on the face?

[Pat]

We got to leave it there, bro. Oh, we got to end it there.

[Mike]

That boy saying all that talking.

[Pat]

No, I'm saying no.

[Caller/Guest]

Don't put it on me. Y' all was talking about nothing on Facebook anyway.

[Pat]

This has been crash dummies episode 220. Make sure you guys subscribe to the Patreon on Climax. We just.

[Mike]

Oh, last thing, last thing.

[Caller/Guest]

Go ahead.

[Mike]

Last thing. Okay, so I saw this girl. I want to give her a shout out. I'm sorry this happened to you. I was watching a girl story on her birthday. She went through her boyfriend's phone of five years and found out that he'd been cheating with her best friend. And I saw it like, this is my first time. Like, we hear these stories on the pod. We see it on the shade room, but it's my first time knowing a woman that happened to and knowing the guy and just been like, damn, that's. That's up. That's your best friend. And like that. That's some real drama. And then I thought, I was just like. That was kind of stupid. I heard him. Why would you go through his phone on your birthday? Like, do it the next day. Like that's the anniversary of your birthday. That was so dumb.

[Caller/Guest]

That's how you know that ain't episode. You got to go through his phone on your birthday. Nut on the face, man.

[Pat]

Oh, my God.

[Mike]

On that face.

[Pat]

Make sure you guys subscribe to the Patreon. We just dropped the episode there yesterday. By the time you guys listen to this on Tuesday. What else? What else? Merch is going to be restocked. Merch should be shipping to you guys as you guys hear, as you speak. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

Twitch. Keep hitting us up on Twitch. Remember the Discord. We're gonna have the stages in there. Dating show coming soon.

[Pat]

Do you have anything set up?

[Caller/Guest]

Yep. Keep. Keep streaming. Keep following. Key man. Keep showing love of the merch, man. Oh, and I'm gonna drop. I ain't talking about shirt. Soon. Probably like in September. I don't know. Next time. Next time I come. I'll probably have one on.

[Pat]

All right, bet, bet. All right, y'. All. Peace.

[Caller/Guest]

Mom, dad, you should shop Amazon for back to school and save some money. See, I'm currently obsessed with superheroes and.

[Pat]

Need all the superhero stuff.

[Caller/Guest]

Superhero launch box, superhero backpack.

But next year it'll be something else.

[Mike]

Maybe dinosaurs.

[Pat]

I don't know.

[Mike]

I'm not a fortune teller, but I.

[Caller/Guest]

Can tell you not to spend a fortune and shop.

[Mike]

Low prices for school on Amazon.

[Caller/Guest]

Kay, good chat, Amazon. Spend less, Smile more Packages By Expedia.

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