Crash Dummies Podcast with Pat and Mike

Episode 220: Vibrating Toilet Seats

Release Date: August 20, 2025
Hosts: Patrick Johnson (“Pat”) & Michael Esiobu (“Mike”)
Theme: Irreverent takes on current events, wild scenarios, unfiltered listener calls, and the quirks of everyday life

Episode Overview

Episode 220 is textbook Crash Dummies: Patrick and Mike riff on random ideas, viral debates, strange purchases, and curious human habits. The hosts bring on listeners to expose hilarious scenarios—like the infamous vibrating toilet seat. The episode bounces between comedic hypotheticals, relationship debates, bodily function confessions, and social “icks.” With their signature chemistry, Pat and Mike keep things raw, witty, and relatable—no subject is too weird or trivial.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Blind Ranking Challenge

(01:15–02:50)

• Mike opens with a “blind ranking” game: Pat must rank random numbers (e.g., 9/11, 973, 956, 925) plus “slavery”—with no context.
• The bit quickly veers darkly comedic:

  “If you blind rank one more day, I’m gonna be blind to you.” — Mike (01:25)

• They reveal the categories were area codes and historical tragedies, poking fun at awkwardness when ranking sensitive topics.

2. Optimism vs. Pessimism Analogy

(04:12–05:32)

• Mike discusses two personality types after a car crash: the optimist ("thank God I'm alive") and the pessimist ("why did this happen to me?").
• Mike’s unfiltered analogy:

  “Sometimes life is going to nut in your face. I need you to get—” — Mike (04:39)
  “That’s such a crazy analogy.” — Pat (04:46)

• The point: Wipe it off, move on, don’t wallow in misery.

3. Relationship Jealousy: Wedding Walk Debate

(05:42–07:18)

• Sparked by a post on Threads: Is it disrespectful for a spouse to walk down the aisle with a single person at a wedding?
• Hosts and guests mostly mock the insecurity of the question.
• Relatable moment:

  “I walked...I don’t even remember the person I walked with.” — Pat (07:05)

4. Awkward Wedding Stories

(07:43–08:53)

• Pat recounts almost passing out as a groomsman due to dieting and nerves—relates to viral videos of groomsmen fainting at weddings.

5. The “Four Major U.S. Cities” Debate

(09:07–13:35)

• Group debates what constitutes a “major city” in the U.S.—New York, LA are undisputed; Chicago and Miami are hotly contested.
• Discussion over city “history,” reputation, and celebrity impact (Michael Jordan, Oprah, Kanye).
• Notable:

  “Once your city got like a...make you a ‘Ford.’”—Mike (11:23)

• They note Atlanta and Houston as strong contenders, with mention of Detroit’s resurgence and Vegas’s tourist decline.
• LA is called "overrated" if you lack connections:

  “If you have no connections, LA can be very overrated.” — Pat (13:17)

6. Color-Changing STD Condoms

(14:14–15:57)

• Discussion about hypothetical condoms that detect STDs by changing color.
• Universal skepticism that detection would even stop sex.
• Wild riffing on what the colors might mean:

  “Neon green, just like I thought. Gonorrhea is there.” — Mike (15:19)

• Joke directions: “Error. No penis detected.”—(16:13)

7. How Do You Leave A Party?

(16:27–19:04)

• Pat prefers a subtle exit, “dap up” and leave quietly.
• Mike is the “long goodbye” guy, lingering for extended small talk.
• Both admit to awkwardness with strangers and party “follow-thru” etiquette.

8. “Ish” Time Management

(19:43–20:35)

• Debates the validity of showing up late when told an event starts or ends “10:30-ish.”

  “If you say 10:30-ish, I’m showing up at 11:30 now. Now you just pushed my…” — Mike (20:25)

Listener Call-In Highlights

A. Strangest Purchase: Vibrating Toilet Seat

(23:33–27:15)

• Caller describes buying a vibrating toilet seat for $350.

  “Just shaking, bro. Cheeks jiggling, bro.” — Caller (23:54)
  “You literally got a toilet seat to shake the shit out you." — Mike (25:16)

• Describes how it helps “when you’re struggling to get a turd out.”
• He and his wife are exclusive users; friends are refused access.
• Still paying $30/month on it!

B. Adult Underwear Debates

(28:14–30:32)

• Caller rants about grown men still wearing loose boxers in 2025:

  “Just gon’ upgrade, bro. Get outta that kitty ass. It’s not the early 2000s, late 90s no more.” — Caller (30:01)

• Extended riff on boxers vs. briefs, “wedgies,” and “tight dick” jokes.

C. Weird Habits: Standing Up to Wipe

(30:39–36:29)

• Caller admits he stands fully upright to wipe after using the toilet.
• Hosts and guests are baffled by “standing straight up,” “spreading cheeks,” and toilet wiping directions (“front to back” vs. “back to front”).

  “Grabbing your own cheeks. Micro ass is crazy, bro.” — Pat (32:03)

D. Ordering the Same Meal

(36:49–39:36)

• Caller gets annoyed when friends copy his order at restaurants.
• Pat and Mike debate whether it’s weird to get the same entrée as someone else.
• Turns into a mock accusation of parasocial relationships.

E. Strangest Gift: Dad’s Dildo

(40:16–43:38)

• Hilarious confession: a listener bought his dad a dildo at age 15 as a gag gift. The family kept it as a “house pet” named Griffin.

  “Its name is Griffin, actually, if you were curious at all.” — Caller (41:30)

F. Mother-in-Law Attraction

(45:41–49:26)

• Caller complains that his fiancée’s mom has a “cake for days” while his partner is “flatter than paper.”
• Pat and Mike push back:

  “You know what that means? Technically your girlfriend has her dad’s ass, and that’s what you touch every day.” — Mike (47:58)

G. Baby Mama Drama

(49:32–56:47)

• Caller: No respect for baby mamas who think they can reclaim their ex when she’s dating him now—only to discover her boyfriend had four baby mamas and five kids.
• Pat and Mike do “kid math” and roast her forgiving nature.

Tweet of the Week & Internet Oddities

(56:51–63:33)

• Video skit about how “Hawaiian Punch” never quenches thirst—hosts universally agree.
• Listener shares a “racist but funny” message referencing carrying water buckets in Nigeria.
• Social media takes: on “slave movie bravado”—the “I would have never…” mentality.
• Pat: “It depends because it’s easy to say now because you have the experience of freedom.” — (64:18)

Bodily Function Segment: Sneezes, Farts, and Childhood Beliefs

(73:40–80:59)

• “How many bless-yous for sneezes?” etiquette.
• Childhood myths: eating watermelon seeds would make you grow trees, swallowing gum sticks to your insides, throwing a dog off stairs (“My uncle told me it could fly!”).
• Grossest sneeze/fart combos and more discourse around bodily “climaxes.”

Other Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

— On STD condoms:

“Finding out in the moment is so up.” — Pat (15:40)
“Neon green is gonorrhea.” — Mike (15:19)

— On vibratory toilets:

“You literally got a toilet seat to shake the shit out you. It’s crazy.” — Mike (25:16)

— On relationships:

“Some people want to get nutted on.” — Pat (04:54)
“That’s not miserable? Getting nutted on?” — Pat (05:02)

— On life advice:

“You just got nutted on, bro. Get up, bro. Wipe it off.” — Mike (05:11)

— On mother-in-law “cake”:

“Technically your girlfriend has her dad's ass and that's what you touch every day.” — Mike (47:58)

Segment Timestamps

| Segment | Timestamp | |----------------------------|---------------------| | Blind Rankings | 01:15–02:50 | | Optimism/Pessimism | 04:11–05:32 | | Wedding Walk Debate | 05:42–07:18 | | Major City Debate | 09:07–13:35 | | Vibrating Toilet Seat Call | 23:33–27:15 | | Standing to Wipe Debate | 30:39–36:29 | | Family Dildo Story | 40:16–43:38 | | Baby Mama Drama | 49:32–56:47 | | Sneeze/Fart Etiquette | 73:40–80:59 |

Closing

The Crash Dummies Podcast delivers another absurd, honest, and laugh-packed episode—blending bathroom humor, culture wars, real talk about relationships, and running gags about bodily functions. Between wild listener stories (like exclusive vibrating toilets), introspection on “what city is greatest”, and open mics for society’s weirdest habits, Episode 220 reaffirms why Pat and Mike’s chemistry and willingness to “go there” makes for one of podcasting’s most unpredictably hilarious rides.

Final Word:

“Sometimes you’ve just gotta get that nut off your face and keep it moving.” — Mike (83:30)

For merch, bonus episodes, and joining the community:

• Crash Dummies Patreon
• [Discord/Twitch links in show notes]
• Merch restock announced; “I Ain’t Talking ‘Bout Shirt” teased for September.