← Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Face Fear and Go All In on Taking Back Your Power with Heather
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Things don't always go seamlessly, right? Things don't just go super easy the way people think they might on social media. There's a lot of challenges along the way, a lot of bummer moments where you're just kind of like, what? Why? Maybe I'm not supposed to do this. Maybe this is the universe telling me to give up. But I've decided to see it as maybe all of this adversity is showing up and challenging me because I'm ready to break through and I just have to believe that. That it's going to happen no matter what. And maybe this is a test, and when I choose to see it that way, I hit the gas pedal, I go faster, and I keep that momentum going, and I want that same for you. Come on this journey with me each week. When you join me, you're going to chase down our goals, overcome adversity, and set you up for a better tomorrow. I'm ready for my close up. Tell me, have you been enjoying these new bonus Confidence classics episodes we've been dropping on you every week? We've literally hundreds of episodes for you to listen to. So these bonuses are. Are a great way to help you find the ones you may have already missed. I hope you love this one as much as I do. Hi, and welcome back. I am so grateful you're back with me today. Okay, so I just left church and you're gonna have to appease me on this one. I wanna share a little bit about the service that I went to today at Vue Church, which is an incredible church. You can totally catch it online. Rich Wilkerson Jr. Is an amazing pastor. So funny, so fun, such a great message, and today was incredible about crisis with Christ and just such an incredible message of how to navigate really challenging times. So I'm actually going through my own challenging time again, you know, everything with some perspective. That was one of the things that Pastor Rich shared today, was he was sharing one person lost three of their children in an accident. And you know, you can't. I'm not minimizing what you're going through right now. What I'm going through, heartbreak, upset, fear, loss, illness. You know, there's so many challenges in the world, but when you hear about horrific events like that, it really gives you such perspective and makes you feel so grateful for what you do have and pray for these people that are going through so much. And the incredible thing about that story with a man that lost his three children is they were hit by a drunk driver, by the way. And he offered forgiveness immediately. The next day. That's what he offered the person that hit and killed his children. Just such an incredible human and just a story about the good in people in horrific times. It was really so sad and so beautiful. Okay, so I don't know if you guys have this devotion book. It's called Jesus Calling. I read this book every day. It's incredible. Super helpful for me, me. To keep me on the right path and to start my day off with a great message. So if you don't have it, I highly suggest you order it. I got mine on Amazon and here was the message. Today, I am calling you to a life of thankfulness. I want all your moments to be punctuated with thanksgiving. The basis for your gratitude is my sovereignty. I just botched that word. I am the creator and controller of the universe. Heaven and Earth are filled with my glorious presence. When you criticize or complain, you are acting as if you think you could run the world better than I do. From your limited human perspective, it may look as if I'm mismanaging things, but you don't know what I know or what I see. If I pulled back the curtain to allow you to view heavenly realms, you would understand so much more. However, I have designed you to live by faith, not by sight. I lovingly shield you from knowing the future or seeing into the spirit world. Acknowledge my sovereignty. That was better by giving thanks in all circumstances. So I so needed that message today. You know, we need to live in faith, not by sight. And when you have challenging times, when you're dealing with upset, loss, heartbreak, illness, whatever challenge you're faced with today, you question everything. Why is this happening to me? Why did not go the way I thought it would? Why doesn't God have his hand on this? And the message is, turn it over to God. Let go and let God. God's plan is greater than yours. And it is not for us to challenge our fight. It is for us to let go and walk with faith, even though we don't understand yet. And I have some experience with this. You know, for most of my life, I did not live. I wanted to control everything. And I wanted the outcome to be what I dictated. And it never worked out ideally. So it's taken me a long time to realize this. And it is not easy, especially when your heart's involved and you have so much concern, hope, fear, whatever it is for you. You know, you're all in on something and it's not working out. It's one of those moments you just gotta Turn it over to God and say, God's plan is greater than mine. I move forward with faith and a knowing that God has my back. And with God's grace, things will work out better than I could ever imagine. I don't know what that looks like, but I have faith, and I'm gonna move forward. And it's not always easy. And I'm just so grateful for these reminders. And then getting that reminder this morning from Jesus Calling, I decided to go to my workout. I decided to go out for a run outside to do things that would spark joy in me, to do things that would remind me of all that I have to be grateful for and to, you know, go over my mind, everything that I am grateful for. And I do have so much. And it's so easy to lose sight of those things when you're in the struggle. So give yourself some grace today and know that everyone's in the struggle, right? Even though you might not see it on the outside, even though things might look so great. Everybody's struggling with something. Some seem much more massive than others. But don't take away that it still is a struggle. And the struggle is real, my friends. But you will make it out of this struggle, that is for sure. And so will I. So today, Pastor Rich was talking about. He cited some research which I have not. I've never seen before. I actually want to Google it and find it. But he was talking about some researchers that sat with, let's say, five or 10 people, and they had a makeup artist come in and put a scar, a really ugly scar on their face, and then showed the people the mirror. The people freaked out, obviously, because they looked horrible. Then they had the makeup artist say, oh, let me just fix it a little bit. But what the makeup person really did was remove it entirely. However, the people had no idea. Cause they couldn't see mirror. So then the people were asked to go out into their day, into the world, and conduct themselves as they normally would. Whatever. Go to the grocery store, go run errands. I don't know. You know, do whatever menial tasks you need to do out in the world. And then when they came back, they interviewed them and said, what was it like today? What was your day like? And every single one of the people complained how negative everything was and how everyone was staring at their scar and how mean people were to them. Do you remember? The scar was actually removed, but they didn't know it. So they created within their mind turmoil inside that actually did not exist on the outside. I Thought that was such an incredible way to look at it. You know, when you're in crisis, listen, everyone goes through crisis. Everyone goes through challenging times. The key is not to take it inside of you, to move through it as an external element, to focus on your gratitude, to focus on all that we have to be grateful for, to do the things that you love to do, whether that be work or your family or, like me today, working out and going for a run outside. Whatever small things it can be, those small things can shift. Surround yourself with people that encourage you and cheer you on. We all need those people, especially in those difficult moments. And last night, I had dinner with a really good friend and her boyfriend. And I'll tell you, the perspective that man gave me was so interesting coming from a person I had never met before who has a very different life than I did. Sometimes just gaining perspective from people is really helpful for you to process things, right? We don't have all the answers. We don't understand all the situations. And sometimes there's a piece in knowing, oh, you know what? I didn't understand that that kind of could make sense to me. Okay, I need to stop beating myself up about this or stop feeling so disappointed. Maybe I can accept some things just don't work out for whatever reason. And gaining this perspective was really helpful. So there's so many things we can do in crisis to help ourselves to handle it with the grace and ease that we want to. But ultimately, turning it over to God will always be the answer. Having faith that this is happening for us, not to us, is a massive gift. And I am working on it today. I am promising you. I've been working on it now for a couple of days. It's not easy, but it's possible. And like any muscle, the more you practice this, the better you're gonna get at it and the faster you're gonna get through it. That I know for sure. And that's kind of one of the funny things, is the more you deal with struggle and you've gotten through it, you can pause for a moment and remind yourself of those other really difficult times in your life, and you made it through. And that can give you strength, right? That can give you confidence you're gonna make it through this. And of course, God is ultimately gonna give you that complete confidence because, you know, he's working for you in your life. You just can't see it yet. You can't connect those dots looking forward. You can only connect them looking back. And I do promise you this, the best is yet to come. Even if you don't know what that is yet. And I don't either. But I have total faith in that. So quick story this week. This is so funny or interesting to me. Years ago I met a woman named Iman. She's a lot younger than me. She's Miss New York, like complete knockout, literally model. You know, she was on Miss Universe. She's super successful, incredible and very intimidating. Right? When you see someone that beautiful, it can be intimidating. Well, I actually was reminded about how intimidated I used to be by her. And here's why it's funny. We've become great friends and she actually lives in Miami now and I'm so grateful for that. Cause she's such an awesome person and you just, it goes to show you never know what's gonna happen next. I never thought she would have moved from New York and a couple months ago she said I'm moving to Miami and she did. So you never know what's gonna happen next. Stay excited, stay anticipating for blessings and exciting things to happen because they're coming tomorrow, I know it. And you never know what's actually gonna happen. So anyhow, she reached out to me about a week ago and said, hey, I want you to come to an event with me. And I had promised her, you know, cause she's new to Miami, that anytime I'm not traveling for work, I will find a way to make it to anything she needs me to be at because I wanna support her. And I know she hasn't developed her own team here, Miami the way she had in New York. So the minute she sent me a text, I didn't ask any questions and I just said, yeah, I'll be there. Cut to. This is so funny. Cut to. A couple of days later I get an email from a company giving me all of these details and basically telling me that they're sending me bathing suits. I had no idea Aman had not told me any of this, sending me bathing suits and need to know my sizes because I have to wear bathing suits to this event and there's going to be a lot of influencers and models and blah blah, blah. Oh my gosh. Listen, when you're a 48 year old mom, I don't care who you are, you're going to be a little intimidated when you're going to be with supermodels and you know, this whole lineup and you have to be in a bathing suit. Now here's the thing, I live in Miami, so it's not completely out of Left field people have pool events all the time. I typically don't do things like that. It doesn't really align with my brand. My brand is a lot about business, right? So I'm not looking for opportunities like this. However, it's a really good friend of mine, I know she needs me. I'm gonna post. I'm intimidated. I'm feeling a little bit of self doubt. I'm wondering, wait a minute, how is this gonna look for me? How am I gonna look next to people in their 20s, right? All the self doubt creeps in. And it's funny because I've had this experience with Aman before but I'd forgotten about it cause it was so many years ago and we're such good friends now. I don of her as someone intimidating to me anymore. I think of her as someone I love and adore and someone who has my back and is my wingman, right? So things in situations can change. So as I started getting really nervous and started, you know, dealing with all this self doubt and questioning if I was going to be able to pull this off and you know, who do I think I am and you know, imposter syndrome and why do they want me there and this is ridiculous. I was reminded about my first book, Confidence Creator and this is so interesting. Aman invited me to an event, a photo shoot with a bunch of model friends. And I was beyond intimidated because I wasn't nearly as good of friends with Aman back then. And I ended up attending that event and at that event, even though I was so flipping intimidated, that photographer took a picture of me that ended up being the COVID of my first book Confidence Creator. And I worship that cover. It is so incredible. It is so beautiful. It is so strong and bad and oh, I love it, I just love it. And that would have never happened, that incredible gift would have never been given to me if I hadn't had the courage and the confidence to walk into that event knowing I was going to be like 20 years older than everybody else, knowing I'm not a model, knowing that I didn't know if I should really be there and doing it, scared. Anyway, so that last story gave me the courage to go in and basically say, okay, I feel intimidated. I feel full of self doubt. I don't know what's gonna happen, I don't know if I'm gonna look ridiculous next to these other people. But I know one thing, not going and shrinking back because of fear is not an option. And I know another thing, the last time I stepped into that fear and showed up in a situation specifically with Iman. I was given the biggest gift, the COVID of my book, and I didn't know that was gonna occur. So I kept saying to myself, no matter how scared you are, step in with your best foot forward. Go in with a great attitude. Think about all the people you can meet, Heather. Think about the beautiful gifts that could be given to you. Maybe you get your next book cover photo from this photo shoot event, right? Who knows? We don't know. And so I just kept prepping myself and prepping myself, and the weather was horrible in Miami, so then I decided, oh, it's probably going to be canceled. So I went out to dinner with one of my clients the night before and ate like, I literally had never eaten because I was trying to eat very little for a week leading up to it because I wanted to get skinny. Blew it completely. Carb overload the night before. Wake up in the morning, it's a gorgeous Miami day, not a cloud in sight. And they said, the event's on. I just had to laugh at myself. That's such a typical Monahan moment, right? Where I decide I know how everything's gonna play out, and I'm completely wrong. And so I put my best foot forward. I put on a bathing suit I would never wear in real life. It actually was super cute. I was so excited, and I went in with an incredible attitude, knowing I'm gonna be 20 years older than everybody else there. And I met the most incredible people. So many new friends. I mean, truly. One woman was on the COVID of Vogue a month ago, and she was the coolest woman. And I just. I made so many new friends, so many cool people that wanted to support me, to help me, to encourage me, and to cheer me on. And I was doing the same for them. And it ended up being this really beautiful experience that reminded me, stepping into the unknown is always the answer. Stepping into fear is the right thing to do. There is no alternative. And when you do just show up and show up as that best version of yourself, putting your right foot forward, smiling, and going for it, incredible things can happen. And that really, that day ended up being unbelievable. I actually left the event with the supermodel. We went to find her mother at her hotel. We went out to dinner that night. I mean, I had so much fun and met so many new people that now I have a much larger network in Miami in an arena I would have never known before. People who want me to come on their podcast, people who, you know, want to feature me in different things and people who I can support and help as well. And it was just one of those beautiful experiences. So I want to encourage you whatever you're feeling fear about, or maybe you're looking at other people. Like maybe you look at my social and you're like oh, of course Heather went to that supermodel event and had a bathing suit on and she was fine. I was not fine. I was doubting myself. I was second guessing myself. The whole week leading up to it, I was doing two workouts a day. I was panicking, right? I was full of self doubt. But in the end, none of that mattered. People liked me for my personality when I was there and that was clear, right? No, I'm not a supermodel. No, I'm not in my late twenties like everybody else was. But you know what? No one seemed to care at all. And what makes you unique and different is what makes you special and rock that whatever that is. You don't have to fit in just like everybody else. You just need to be you. Everybody else has already taken. I think that's Oscar Wilde quote, but don't quote me on that. I'm pretty sure meet a different guest each week.
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When I started this podcast, it seemed.
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Like I had to figure it all.
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Out on my own. I don't know if you ever felt like that. Script setup, filming schedules, logos, super overwhelming and every day seemed to introduce a new decision that needed an answer immediately. When you're starting off with something new, it doesn't seems like your to do list keeps on growing every day with new tasks and that list can easily.
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Begin to overrun your life.
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I asked you to try to find your passion. Okay, I received a lot of questions this week through DMS on LinkedIn, through DMS on Instagram and to my website heather monahan.com if you haven't checked it out yet at heather monahan.com there are a number of free resources. There's an eBook, a 30 day email accountability program where I email you daily. There is My Confidence Tips Downloads. There's the Overcome youe Villains workbook. There's a lot, a lot of great resources for you for free@heathermonahan.com check it out. And you can always send me a note or a question there as well. Okay, so let's start with a couple of these questions that were sent to me. So I was talking out loud to myself and brainstorming this morning. One question came across my mind that I'm not sure how to solve. I have a habit of being a people pleaser and giving others the power of situations. I am currently trying to break that habit, but have created a reputation for allowing others to know they possess the power. How do I put down my foot and make known to those people that they will no longer have the power? Okay, so interesting question. You know, you can change the dynamics of power in a second whenever you choose to do it. I'm going to give you an example. The day that I got fired, that nasty woman called me over to her office in Naples. I drove three hours over there. I walk in, she's all smiles, she's standing, not sitting, which is a total power play, right? Our body language is involved in regards to power, not just our words. And so, you know, you could tell she was elated, excited. She was on top of the world and holding all of her power. I sat down and had no idea what was about to happen. Anyways, she says to me, you need to sign one of these memos. I don't have a need for a chief revenue officer anymore, so I don't have a need for you. And one memo said Heather's been fired. And the other one was this beautiful letter. Heather is an amazing employee and she's starting a new adventure and we're cheering her on, blah, blah, blah. If I wanted the beautiful memo, I'd have to sign a really binding agreement, basically a gag clause. But I would get a big check if I didn't sign that nasty note that just said Heather's been fired, was going to go out to the company. And I remember I had a moment, right? And in any instant, you can change the power. This is a great news. You don't need to train on this for seven years, right? You can flip the script in any moment on who holds the power. And that's exactly what came into my mind when I looked at this woman. On top of the world, you know, standing with a power stance. She had her arms out on her hips, smiling. I mean, she was just elated. And as I looked at those memos and I looked back at her, I remember thinking, I'm gonna take all the air out of this room right about now. And I kind of put a smile on my face, sat back very confidently, looked her in the eyes, and said, I didn't write either one of these memos. I won't be signing either one of them. And if there's nothing else to say, I'm leaving. And I stood up in all of my power, and I was very calm, very poised. I'm so proud of me, by the way, because this was after 14 years of working there, right? And it's crazy that it happened, but I'm so proud that I had all of that power. I sucked all the power out of that room. That woman's face went from elated and smiling to red. She looked so angry. She started shaking. Her arms, dropped off of her hips. She lost her power. Like, I pulled all the power out of that situation. And as I exited, the power came with me and literally left her. So I guess a couple of things. Number one, being calm and thoughtful is the most powerful thing you can ever do. Reacting to what other people do allows them to control you. So never react. Always stay calm. Be thoughtful. Even if you have to walk away from a situation for a moment or two or a day or two, you know, if you're really upset, then walk away. Give yourself that power. That's powerful. Reacting to somebody else is allowing them to control you. That is not power. Right? Being direct, being yourself. Right? So when I go into difficult situations, like this question is saying that she's allowed other people to have power over her. Well, that's Buck stops now, Right? So, number one, this is what I would do. I would write down my intention. I get really clear on. I am owning the power in my life from now on. You know, starting today, I own the power in every conversation, in every interaction, in every situation. Whatever it is that you want to own what your intention is, write it down, right? We're 90% more likely to remember or do something if we write it down. Make this a priority. If you're serious about taking the power back in your life, right? So put it out to the universe. Read it daily, write it down, Leave yourself notes. I would put reminders in my phone, right? Because you're breaking an old habit. Whatever. You just got to get up and do it. So you have to remind yourself, oh, yeah, that's what I. That's how I used to act. I don't act like that anymore. I own my power in every exchange. And say it with frequency to yourself. Say it seven times a day. Leave it as a reminder in your phone every day. So at noon you get a pop up on your phone. It says, I own the power in every exchange in my life. And as you keep seeing this messaging, it's going to remind you, oh, yeah, I am powerful. And maybe those are some of the affirmations you use. I am powerful. I am talented. I am enough. I am strong. I am right. It doesn't have to be this, this or that. And maybe for a period in your life, you decided that if you did show up as powerful, people wouldn't like you. Well, being powerful doesn't mean you can't be likable, right? I'm incredibly powerful. And I think I'm also very relatable and likable, at least for the people that like me. Right. The others can just keep it moving. I'm not your people. See you later. So then that's fine too, right? So vanilla is boring. We want to be our unique, special selves. And we're going to attract those right people towards us. Now. We will come across difficult, like I did with that woman who fired me. Well, she thought she fired me. I actually fired my number one villain that day. Flip the script. Right, but. So you're gonna come across difficult people like that. And you can be intentional, you can remain calm and you can show up as your most powerful self. Had I started yelling at that lady, losing my cool, getting angry, bawling, crying in that meeting, she would have owned the power. Right? And that's why I'm so proud of myself. I don't do everything perfectly, but. But you know, we were at go time in that meeting and I took that deep breath and I thought, I'm gonna speak my truth and I'm gonna do it in a very calm, very powerful fashion. And that's my last moment there. That needs to be a freaking movie, by the way, because it's. I wish you guys could see it. It's playing in my memory and it's just so freaking cool. I wish we had had a mini camera taping that whole thing. It was just amazing. Okay, so some of the ways that I also own my power is I go in with the intention as we talked about. Right? So you need to do the work, write the intention down, have it pop up as a Reminder everywhere, the bottom of your shoes. I am powerful, right? Like, own this. Make it your mantra. Make it your commitment to yourself. This is who you are now. It changed now. Everything changed now. You are no longer a people pleaser. You're no longer controlled by other people. That's yesterday. Here's today. I am powerful. Okay? So that's number one. Number two, when I go into difficult situations, I wear my power colors. I want to feel my best. That's important to me. So I'm going to invest in myself. I'm going to get my hair and makeup done. If I have some big, difficult meeting, right? If I'm scared about my TEDx talk, which I was. I had my hair and makeup done. I wore my powerful blue. Blue and red are really power colors for me. You need to wear what your power color is. You're sending a message out to the universe, to the world, and to this evil person or whatever person. I am powerful. I am here in all of my abundance, power, and energy, and I am bringing the heat. You want to play it out in your mind ahead of time, right? This stuff is work. You got to put the work in. You want to visualize you owning your power, you staying cool, you not reacting, you owning your words and your truth, right? So put the work in. See yourself doing it the day ahead of time, the night before, the morning of. Then I hit up my playlist. I have this playlist that I only use when I'm going to go do really big things. It primes my mind to know, hey, Heather, you're about to go do something exceptional. Let's go. Giddy up. Brain going. And we're going bigger, right? So find that playlist for you. Start teeing it up right when you're about to, you know, pump yourself up. I always have lavender with me. It helps me stay calm and centered when I need to. When a villain could be attacking, I want to get really calm, really centered, remind myself of how powerful I am. I always think of three other times in my life that I've stepped into uncertainty, scary situations with jerks or. Or people trying to control me and how I flip the script on them. How I sucked all the power right out of the room like I did that day. That woman thought she fired me. So remind yourself of those three instances. Speak it into existence, write it down, repeat it. Leave yourself reminders. You know, invest in yourself. Show up as your most powerful version based upon how you look and how you feel on the inside. For me, you know, working out is really important. So if I have something big, I want to be in my best physical shape as I can because it reminds me how strong I am and what I'm capable of. If I go crush a spin class, I'm walking out on top of the world. And I'm saying, no one is controlling this girl. Right. I will be in control of myself. And I think about how I'm leading. Who am I impacting in a positive way by showing up as this powerful person? Your family, the people coming after you, people you mentor. Right. So not only are you doing it for you, and it's the right thing for you to do for your life, but you're also inspiring and leading others. Right? Like make it bigger than just you. Remind yourself of the other times you face adversity. You came out on top and recognize this time's gonna be no different. Yes. Yesterday was a day where you allowed people to control you. Today is a new day. Giddy up. Okay, so thank you for that question. Next one. I wanted to introduce myself. I'm not gonna say this person's name. Discovered you through the Gary Vee show. Oh, yay. Thanks, Gary, for having me on back in November 2019, right before the pandemic hit. I recently purchased both of your books. Figured they should be able to help me a bit, at least to see it from someone who's been there. This is true. I always say, would you take direction from someone who's fallen in a ditch and found a way to get out? Or would you take direction from someone who's never been in a ditch and is trying to tell you how to get out of it? I'm gonna go with option one. Okay, but may I ask, and this may be answered in your books, but I just started reading them. How do you get around negative self talk? I have a villain. I have an entire wall of them. So I'm actively seeking other employment. However, I see all these people celebrating. New positions, new companies on LinkedIn and whatnot, and, hey, good for them. But I can't help but say, when is it going to be my turn? How did you handle that? I don't have the ability to walk away from my villains right now, as I am the sole earner to support my family. I get it. Okay. Do you have any advice? Even if it's just read my book. Oh, that's so sweet. Okay, so here's the thing. Let's start with negative self talk, right? When we're running a tape in our head, right? Which everybody does. Some tapes are bad, some are Good. Some are indifferent, but there's always some tape in your mind running. And again, like I. That other question that we just answered, you know, maybe that worked yesterday, negative self talk in your life. But today is a new day. We're changing that, right? So today is the day that we're going to say we no longer, longer run negative self talk. We run positive self talk. I want to be my biggest champion. And I am. P.S. i'm my biggest champion, my biggest cheerleader. Here's why. Every day I'm going to go out into the world and be doing big things and going for more and pushing myself. Some days my team of advocates aren't going to be around or they're going to be busy or someone's got something else going on and I'm going to be left there by myself and I'm going to have to say, oh gosh, the people that cheer me aren't around. I guess I should go home. No, I want to say my number one supporter's here. She's always going to be here. It's me, right? And that's such an exciting realization to know you can be your number one cheerleader, you can be your biggest advocate and you should be. Here's why we're always teaching people how to treat us right. And if we are our number one hype girl, hype guy, however you want to say it, people are gonna be like, wow, that person really knows. Like she's got some magic inside of her. She's really valuable. Wow, she's really impressive. Conversely, if you're kind of walking around like, oh gosh, I don't think I can make it happen. Things don't work out for me. You're telling people you're not that good, you're not powerful, you're not special, right? So you're teaching people how to show up for you. You're teaching them not to. So think about it that way. Your negative self talk, how you're talking to yourself in your mind, how you're showing up is teaching everybody else how to see you. So put on those rose colored glasses and start finding the things that you do love about yourself. I remember during the pandemic, I was washing my hands incessantly, as I'm sure most of us were. I was not in a great mental space. You know, my business basically disappeared overnight. The speaking business completely stopped for a while and it was a scary time, right? And so when I would wash my hands, I would own my affirmations. I am powerful. I am enough. I Am confident. I am finding solutions. I am creative. Right? And I would get so excited to do it. So. So start a discipline and a practice for yourself to start owning those positive affirmations, owning the words that you want to use when you talk to yourself and when you're talking about yourself. Then I'm going to challenge you to pick your child or a little kid or someone that you care about that you're helping and talk to that person in your mind. How would you speak to them? So here's an example. If my son was running negative self talk, I would sit with him and say, I want to talk to you about something. I want to talk to you about how special you are. Want you to know that that smile is magic. And when you smile, you light up a room and you bring so much joy to people. And I love you so much. You are so loved. You are so special, and I'm so lucky to be your mom. You know, your personality is incredible, and you bring so much joy to so many people. I never want you to forget that you're unique, you're special, and you are loved. Right? So write that down and now start saying that to you, right? So. So when you go through these moments where it's hard to be your best hype person, it's hard to speak nicely to yourself. Envision that you're speaking to your child. Envision that you're speaking to someone you love and have that conversation with them. Now read that tape back to you, right? So if you're not at that place yet where you feel great about yourself, pretend that you're coaching someone that you love along, because you are someone that you love. You need to be someone that you love, Right? You should love yourself more than anything. Oh, my gosh. And when you start showing up like that and getting excited for it, that's when the magic starts happening, right? So. All right, so that's one way. Another thing that I did, I. I went to a hypnotist when I. I really was struggling with how I was speaking to myself and beating myself up, right? And I remember I had a therapist who said to me, how's that working out for you? And I'm like, what do you mean? She said, you. You beat yourself up all the time. How's that working out? I'm like, well, obviously not that good because I'm here in therapy. Hello. Right. Like, are you kidding? Mic drop moment. So remember that if what you've been doing hasn't been working, we need to try a different strategy, right? We've got to test and try different things. So for me, I rewrote the script. I envisioned speaking to my son, but I was really speaking to myself. And I leveraged that tactic for a while until it became natural to speak to myself kindly and supported and to say, I am enough and I do love myself and I am proud of me. I can't help but smile when I say that because I get so excited for me and I want that for you too. So put the work in, leave yourself the reminders. You know, start speaking to yourself just like someone you love so. So much so that eventually you do love yourself that much, right? And that's exciting. See, realize you are leading, right? You're leading your family and the people you mentor in life and the people that look up to you and think about, you know, how can we be the best leaders, the best versions of ourselves today? Investing in ourselves is important, right? And saying, are you taking time for yourself to do the things that you love? What would make you feel pro proud of yourself? Write those things down, make those things a priority, right? And, and get specific with these goals and with the conversation you're going to have with yourself. So anyhow, when I struggled with my self talk, I went to a hypnotist. Literally within, I think it was two appointments. Massive shift inside. I understand that's not for everybody. That's cool. It worked for me, right? I believe in trying different things to find what does work for you. The other thing is tapping. And I actually, I had a guest on, I think it was last month, who was a specialist in tapping. If you haven't heard that, go back and listen to that episode. It's so good. But tapping helps you to release negative emotion and negative words from your life and frees you from it, right? So it's a really powerful exercise. It helped me a lot. I definitely loved it. And then think about the things you're surrounding yourself with, right? Listening to this podcast, right? What books are you reading or listening to on audible, you know, what TED talks are you watching, what conversations are you engaging in during the day? We are constantly either supporting ourselves or chipping away at our confidence, right? Like with every decision we make, if you decide to go to the gym right now and work towards a goal, you're creating more confidence within yourself. You're creating a more positive belief system. If you decide to come off the rails and eat all your kids french fries and, and then feel sick after you're chipping away your confidence, you're not feeling as Good, right? It's like these very simple. Every act we take or don't take is either building us up or chipping away at who we want to become. Start looking at things through that simple lens. Right? It's not that hard. It's much more simplistic than we make. It doesn't mean it's easy. Still a lot of work making good choices. I'm not saying it's easy. And yes, I do eat all of my kids french fries from time to time. However, nobody's perfect. Right? Let's take the veil off. Perfectionism, it's just fear. And, And I would just say that, you know, be kind to yourself. Cut yourself some slack. We all deserve it. We've all lived through a global pandemic, and now there's war. I mean, everyone's living through really challenging times. Go easy on yourself, you know, remind yourself that we've made it this far. That's reason to celebrate. We're alive today. This is reason to celebrate. I'm so grateful to be here and to do that and practice gratitude. Always practice gratitude in your life. Every day I think to myself, myself, what I'm grateful for, what I'm thankful for. And the more we focus on those things, the more positive things start popping up in our life. Now for me, negative self talk. I definitely beat myself up more when I worked side by side with a lady who hated me. I'm just gonna tell you the truth. And it goes back to my book, overcome your villains. Until I overcame the villains outside of me. She thought she fired me. I actually had fired my number one villain from my life. Then I was able to really address the villain villain living within my own two ears. Right? Because when we're surrounded by negative people that mean us harm, that don't want us to do well, that aren't supporting us, even if they're in your circle, doesn't mean they're in your corner necessarily. The minute you fire those villains, you stop all of your energy going to defend yourself, protect yourself, and, and. And get ready for what next attack is coming. That's what I found for me when I worked side by side with a woman that hated me. All of my energy, all of my thoughts were always when I come out of a meeting, oh, gosh, is she going to be at that next meeting with me? Okay, what will I say? Is she going to ask me what size my pants are? Literally, this woman would ask me crazy things like that. She was just such a nasty person. And anyhow, so the more you're around negative people that don't want you to do well, the more your energy and your thoughts are going to go towards protecting yourself from that person. Versus when I fired my villain, suddenly I had all this free time to start thinking on my own about where do I want to go, what do I want to do, how can I better myself? And that's when I started realizing, wait a minute, I've been holding myself back. Wait a minute. The real villain is the one within me. But I couldn't get to that point until I cleaned out the villains around me. So I know for that question that came in, she said that she can't quit her job right now. But I'm gonna challenge you to say this. This. Maybe you feel like you can't quit your job right now, but maybe if you did, everything would change. Maybe that amazing opportunity would show up for you. That's going to provide you a lot more money than you're currently making. Start thinking about the possibility. Start putting out there what you want to have happen. You're surrounded by love. You're surrounded by people who are encouraging you, who are cheering you on, who are so excited for you. Start putting that vibe out there. Start spending time whenever you can with people who are your cheerleaders. Start becoming your biggest cheerleader and watch how everything changes. Overcome the villains around you so you can tackle the one within. And yes, that is my book. Overcome youe Villains. That's what it's all about. The reviews have been unbelievable by the way. So I just want to say thank you. If you've had the time to read the book, listen to it on Audible and leave a review. It means the world to me. I'm so grateful for you. It's the three step process to overcome any adversity in business or life. And I'm grateful to say it's changing lives. I've gotten so many messages and I've read all the reviews and I'm so grateful. So if you haven't read Overcome youe Villains yet, definitely get it today and definitely get the Audible. Because I copied David Goggins idea from his book, you can't hurt me. At the end of every chapter he just kind of riffs and so it's cool because I actually was listening to my own Audible book the other day cause I wanted to hear what I was riffing about. I couldn't remember and it's so funny, you know. As you know, I'm big into spending time with people who are my champions. So when I recorded my audible Book. I recorded it with the same producer that recorded Confidence Creator with me, which is a good friend of mine from the radio industry that I've known for decades, who I trust and who supports me. He's such a champion of mine. And when I recorded Overcome youe Villains Audible with him, I told him my idea. I'm like, I just want a riff. And he's like, well, what does that even look like? What does that mean? Because we didn't do that with Confidence creat. I hadn't had that idea. I hadn't heard the David Goggins version yet. And so he's like, what does that even mean? I'm like, just after I'm done with the chapter, give me a moment to take a drink of water, take a breath, and then just hit record again. And he's like, well, what are you gonna say? I said, I don't know. I'm just gonna do it. And listen, if it comes out bad, we delete it. Right? Like, who cares? But let's try it. Let's see if we spark some magic up in here. And I trusted myself and I just ran Riff. And it's so cool because what's weird is when you write a book with a traditional publisher. I wrote Overcome your villains back in 2019. 2020, yeah. Like, this is now two years ago, right. So when I was recording the Audible, it was a year and a half later, so much had happened. So you get that kind of. I give you that insight of what's happened since I wrote the book, what's changed, what's different, what's better, what's worse, whatever. And kind of giving you whatever last minute tips and tricks I learned from the whole journey. So it's super cool. I'm so proud of it. I definitely think the Audible is the best version. And you get. You just get more insights in that version of the book than you do in the Kindle paperback or hardcover. Meet a different guest each week.
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I asked you to try to find your passion. So it's Funny, back in 2019, my son and I went to Thanksgiving back home, which for me is back in Massachusetts with some of my best friends and their kids. And it's just, it's something that, that we like to do every year that we can. We weren't able to do it last year because of COVID but when I started reminiscing about 2019 Thanksgiving, here's what happened. My son and I were at the airport. I had just given my first TEDx talk and we were having dinner, getting ready to board our flight. I looked down at an alert from my phone and found out that my TEDxTalk had just been posted to TEDx YouTube everywhere around the world. Now you might think, oh, how exciting. No, not exciting. It was Wednesday night, the night before Thanksgiving. Basically the worst time you could post your TEDx talk. You want your TEDx talk to come out when nothing's going on so that people are actually gonna click on it and listen to it. It not the night before Thanksgiving when everyone's out partying and celebrating and with friends and family and not looking for TEDx talks to listen to. So that was a real bummer. I had worked so hard at that talk. For months I worked on this thing. It was the most important speech I'd ever given, the shortest speech I'd ever given, 10 minutes long, and the toughest speech I'd ever given. So it was a bummer. And I'll tell you, I liken that kind of to now with Overcome youe Villains coming out the same week, Will Smith's Book came out the same week that Adele dropped her new album, the same week Taylor Swift dropped her new album, and the same week that there were all these shipping delays and supply chain issues. So things just didn't come together the way we had hoped. And it's funny in hindsight. In 2018, I wrote and self published my first book, Confidence Creator. I didn't have any challenges. Everything worked out perfectly. It came out the day it was supposed to. Everything shipped right on mark. There were no competing books or shows or. It just went really easy. And it's just so funny to see the further along I've come, right, the more I've built a community, the more I've invested in myself and shown up every day, the more challenges have come. Like, you'd think it would be the opposite when you first start out, that it would be super challenging, but it wasn't. I wrote and self published my first book in five months. It was super seamless. Not a lot of problems. I mean, there were challenges, but nothing as big as what I faced, you know, recently. So I don't know, it's just. It's interesting to look back. You can never see the dots connecting when you're in it, but you have to be outside of it to look back and say, okay, now I see how it all worked out. To that end, what's interesting is my second book, Overcome youe Villains. Ever since I started promoting it, my first book has started selling like crazy. Again, Confidence Creator. And what's interesting to me is I just kind of walked away from my first book, you know, after about a year after I was promoting it, I just kind of stopped because then I launched a podcast. Then I launched a TedX talk. Then I taught a class with my friend John Westman, who invited me to teach at a Harvard extension night program and started teaching there. Then I got appointed to the Board of Directors. Like, everything just kept changing and moving. So I sort of forgot about the first book. And, you know, Forbes wrote an article about top five books every woman in business should buy in 2021. And it was my first book from 2018. So don't ever get frustrated about something you worked really hard on, because I've done that. And then I have to remind myself, wait a minute, just now in 2021, confidence creators trying to. It's kind of Catching fire again, which is so weird and interesting to me, was never part of my plan. I didn't see this coming, right? But. But it's happening. And so for me, remembering two years ago, Today that I was about to board a flight like I am right now with my son heading back to Boston, which we do in Thanksgiving. Except for Covid. You know, I was so discouraged that that TEDx Talk launched the night before Thanksgiving. The perspective I have now is that, listen, the timing's not up to us, and sometimes the timing's not great, but it doesn't mean what we created isn't great. It is right. We just have to have faith and move forward, knowing it will catch fire eventually. And I'm hoping this is the time for my TEDx talk to start catching fire, because it certainly wasn't the night before Thanksgiving, 2019. Okay. And I also share that. Just so people know, things don't always go seamlessly right? Things don't just go super easy the way people think they might on social media. There's a lot of challenges along the way, a lot of bummer moments where you're just kind of like, what? Why? Maybe I'm not supposed to do this. Maybe this is the universe telling me to give up. But I've decided to see it as maybe all of this adversity is showing up and challenging me because I'm ready to break through and I just have to believe that it's going to happen no matter what. And maybe this is a test, and when I choose to see it that way, I hit the gas pedal, I go faster and I keep that momentum going. And I want that same for you. Okay? Because I'm obsessed with my new book, Overcome youe Villains. I hope you've got. If you haven't got it yet, can you please go buy it right now? Press pause on this, please and go order Overcome youe Villains. I promise you, guaranteed you will not be disappointed. And if you haven't bought all of your holiday gifts yet, which you need to. Shipping is a major problem, guys. Major. Go ahead and order Overcome youe Villains right now. For anybody that doubts themselves or isn't living up to their potential, this is the book for them. Okay? I'm gonna take you to chapter five in my new book, Overcome youe Villains. Now, chapter five, take others off the pedestal and level your playing field. Your beliefs pave your way to success or block you. Marsha Sinotar. I hope I said that correctly. By the way, can you tell this is really me on the podcast right now? This is not my audible version. Oh, did I mention I narrate the audible version? And it's so good. I get this whole behind the scenes thing after each chapter. You gotta check it out you will love the audible. Have you ever looked at others and imagined that their lives are perfect and that they don't have any problems? Have you thought they were better than you, smarter than you, different in a way you can't compare to? Do you realize every time you do that you are holding them to an unrealistic standard and putting yourself down? When you put others up on a pedestal, you put yourself beneath them. The flight home from LA had WI fi and I was checking my direct messages on social media. I had discovered that one of the ways to get rave reviews from my book was to personally respond to every DM pause. Okay, this is cut to now. Yeah, I'm still doing that. You have no idea how intense that is. That one to one response. And I'm grateful for everyone that DMs me. I'm grateful for everyone that supports me. It's a lot more work than you realize. Just letting you guys know on the inside track on that one. Okay, back to the book. This was time consuming, but it had a very positive effect on sales. So often people think you're killing it when in reality you are dying to break through all the noise out there. Every review and rating on Amazon and Audible was pure gold. Building my credibility as a self published first time author. I was reading through the DMs when I almost fell out of my seat. My eyes were glued to a DM from an NBA player. He said that he had read my book and that confidence was a huge thing for him as a professional basketball player. Not only that, but he wanted to speak with me about my book. What? Okay, this was beyond comprehension to me. First thing I was going to make sure I wasn't getting punked. It wouldn't be the first time. I dug into his profile, googled him and confirmed the DM was real. Knowing that everyone struggles with confidence is one thing, but then seeing it materialize from real people and now a professional athlete blew me away. I couldn't believe this was happening. The next day I got a call from his agent. He explained that this talented player was beyond exceptional and ready to go to the next level. However, there had been some recent challenges in his life. Injuries, personal situations had hit his confidence really hard and he was getting nervous. As the season was almost ready to kick off, he asked if I would meet with them. I panicked. I was spouting out crazy things like I can't. I'm swamped, there's no time, I'm heading to New York in the morning. The agent laughed. He said Great. We will be in New York tomorrow too. We will come to you when we feel intimidated. We want to hide. This is never the answer. This could not be happening. Yes, I had written a book about my low moments and how I learned to create confidence. But I didn't know anything about coaching an NBA player who makes millions of dollars a year. I felt like a fraud. I also felt that if they met with me and I couldn't help them, I would be exposed as a fraud, an imposter. I was not in the best of spirits on my flight to New York. I was so stressed out. The crazy thing is that I was heading there for a book launch party put on by my friend Scott. I had met Scott the year before through LinkedIn when my ex fiance's daughter was considering going to NYU. I saw that Scott had connections there and I sent him a dm asking if he could speak to her. He was very generous and arranged to have another student talk with her and answer all of her questions. About a month later, he reached out to me and asked if I would be a contributor to his new book, Standing Up. The book was for charity and included some amazing authors, athletes, entrepreneurs and CEOs. I was so busy trying to get my own book off the ground that at first I didn't see how I'd be able to make the time. But then I remembered how Scott had made time for me when I needed his help. So I knew I needed to show up for him now. But I still struggle with the idea that someone would find anything I wrote to be of value. I wondered how long it would feel this way. When would I begin to get comfortable in this new world? Why was it so hard for me to embrace this change and let go of the past? These were questions I would ask myself a lot as I worried about the future and how to build a new kind of career. I would go back and forth in my mind. Should I just go back to the security of a job in media doing the same thing I used to do? In so many ways, that path looked like the best choice. I knew where it would lead to and I knew how to get where I wanted to go. I already had that roadmap. The new path I was on was not clear to me at all. There was no map to follow. I had no idea exactly where I was going from day to day. This new road wasn't clear and it was full of surprises. Not all good and many scary. This was so challenging. I landed in New York and went straight to the same Marriott I always stayed in. I'm such a creature of habit and staying in the same places and being with people I trust always makes me feel better. My good friend George was there. I was so happy to see him. It took my mind off of this crazy experience. As usual, what I wear really impacts how confident I feel. I had a knee length white dress with me to wear to the book launch event that evening. But I didn't think it was the best outfit to meet the NBA player and his agent in the hotel bar beforehand. I decided I would feel more myself in workout pants and a zip up. So that's what I decided to wear. Whenever I am getting ready to walk into a situation I feel nervous about, I remind myself of other times I felt the same way and made it back alive. That always makes me smile. I also use the same playlist. It puts me in a mindset that reminds me what it feels like walking into a situation, not knowing what's going to happen, but setting myself up for something really good. I started envisioning myself going to the meeting, the meeting going really well and then having a successful book launch part party. I had the NBA player really high up on the proverbial pedestal. I took out the lavender hand wipes I keep in case of emergency and inhaled the fragrance in hopes it might calm me down. It did. Then I bombed a Chardonnay and forced myself out the hotel room door. I knew if I tried to peek downstairs, I would end up not going to the meeting. So I stayed focused on just one thing. Walking to the elevator and getting on the elevator. Once the doors closed behind me, I was trapped. The elevator was taking me right to the eighth floor where the doors would open to the hotel bar. Deep breath. I said to myself. You wrote this book, Confidence Creator and you can at least share some of the ways you create confidence. You can do this. Choose to be your biggest cheerleader. If you don't believe wholeheartedly in yourself, why would anyone else? I kept repeating these words in my mind the entire elevator ride. Then right before I got off the elevator, I told myself, I love you. You got this. I knew if I approached these two men, standing tall and strong with a big smile, my confidence would rise to the occasion. So that's exactly what I did. Taking a quick look around the bar area, it was immediately clear who I was meeting with. The NBA player and his agent had a table roped off in an area away from the other guests. They were also the tallest people in the room by at least a foot, maybe more. I smiled and walked towards them. I saw the NBA player clutching my book and as I got closer to him, I started to see things differently. He was clutching my book hoping it could help him and hoping I could too. In that moment I saw my 11 year old son hanging on to me. That shift allowed me to feel so much better because all of a sudden I knew I could help this accomplished man in some way. Even if it was just that I showed up to show him he is worth showing up for. That alone would create confidence in him. I smiled really big. Sometimes our mind plays tricks on us and we need to show up to see the real situation. He was so excited to meet me and he asked me to sign his book. I felt so happy, so special. The three of us talked for 15 minutes and then his agent left. That's when the NBA player started to share what had hit his confidence so hard. Everyone has different triggers and everyone has a unique story. For some people, health scares throw them for a loop while for others, getting into a rut starts a self destructive path to nowhere. I listened to him, really listened to him as he shared his story. There was one thing that really struck out to me. He had been dating a woman for a while and she did not sound nice at all. He explained some of the things she had done and I gave him a look. A look that says she did what? He laughed and told me that he knew what I was saying, that he was just too nice. Now wait a minute. There's something worth noting here because I have heard it from men and women alike. Being taken advantage of is never to be confused with being too nice. In fact, how could anyone ever be too nice? Being too nice simply means you are a sweet person who is being taken advantage of. The most important person for you to be nice to is you. I explained to him that this woman was his villain and didn't deserve to be around him or with him or drive his car or live at his house. She was taking advantage and that is grounds for termination. He laughed and shared that he had just broken up with her and was already feeling much better. We sat and he shared his story with me for hours. It really felt as if I was sitting with my son 10 years from now. Life teaches you lessons, good and bad and if you don't have a close mentor to help guide you through those times, things can get tough and seem confusing or muddy. Steering this man back to good people, to listening to his own inner voice and to doing what felt good for him would make him confident again. We had been talking for two hours when suddenly I realized I was going to be late for the book launch. I let him know that I was really late and needed to go. Before I left, the player shared one more issue with me. He told me that when he's on the free throw line in a game, he becomes really nervous. He doesn't do so well, but in practice he nails every single shot. I started laughing, but he didn't find my laughter funny at all. He told me I didn't get it because I wasn't a professional athlete and didn't know what it was like being the center of attention for everyone to stare at, but that's what I found funny. I told him that when I first started speaking years earlier, I felt the same way. Like I was at the center of attention for everyone to stare at. But as I gained experience, I started realizing it wasn't that everyone was focused on me. Far from it. Half of the audience was playing with their phones or thinking about dinner or doing all sorts of things besides focusing on me. The challenge with speaking was to get them to focus on me so they would hear me and listen to what I had to say. That's the hardest part. I let the NBA player know that I had been to his games before, had seen him play, but I couldn't remember one way or another if he hit his free throw because I was either texting or in the bathroom or talking to my son about what he wanted to eat. The reality is that people are always more concerned and focused on themselves and that frees us up to the truth that we are the only ones who are laser focused on us. Let the pressure go. I told him it wasn't real to begin with. With that, we hugged and I ran back upstairs to change into my dress and dart to the book launch party. I thankfully made it well before the party ended. It was a beautiful event and the support I received from everyone was so amazing. It was just one more reminder to me that making time to help others always pays off in the end. Always. Key Takeaway Putting others on a pedestal simply puts us beneath them. Making the decision that we are all equal puts us on the same footing as everyone else. Equal ground, equal opportunity. I hope you like that chapter. I hope you are digging Overcome youe Villains. I am promising you this book is fire and is the best purchase for you to make for a holiday gift for anyone you love. That your concern has more potential within them that they are not yet realizing. If you've got someone in your life that you love that you would love to give a gift to. That book is on sale right now. I believe it's $24.99. The audible. Sometimes you can get for free if you have the credits. But give this gift that keeps on giving. It's the gift of confidence and the gift of overcoming adversity. And that's a gift no one will want to return until next week. Keep creating your confidence. Confidence. I'll be right here with you. I decided to change that dynamic. I couldn't be more excited for what you're gonna hear. Start learning and growing. Inevitably, something will happen. No one succeeds alone. You don't stop and look around once in a while. You could miss it. Come on this journey with.