Podcast Summary

Podcast: Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan

Episode: Confidence Classic: Your Energy Defines Your Sexual Chemistry (How to Reignite “The Spark” In Your Relationship)
Guests: Ashley Stahl (host of the U Turn Podcast) & John Wineland (intimacy & relationship teacher)
Release Date: November 5, 2025

Episode Overview

This special “Confidence Classic” episode dives into sexual chemistry, intimacy, and the interplay of masculine and feminine energy in relationships. Heather Monahan presents a cross-over interview from Ashley Stahl’s U Turn Podcast, featuring intimacy mentor John Wineland, exploring why relationship sparks fade—and actionable ways to reignite them. The discussion ranges from the roots of attraction to the concrete steps anyone can take to rebuild connection, trust, and sexual polarity with their partner.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Personal Responsibility in Attraction

• Theme: Waning sexual interest is often blamed on the other partner, but true change comes from self-inventory and personal ownership.
  • “So many people are willing to blame their partners for the lack of attraction rather than take 100% responsibility. It's my personal pet peeve because I see it all the time.” — John Wineland [00:00, 23:55]
• Actionable Insight: Before ending a relationship, assess your own behaviors and energy—how are you showing up as a partner? Are you present, playful, open, and loving, or closed off, critical, and stuck in masculine energy?

2. Masculine & Feminine Energy Explained

• Everyone contains both energies; it’s about balancing them appropriately.
  • “No matter what your gender is, we all need that blend of both feminine and masculine.” — Heather Monahan [04:35]
• When both partners operate from the same dominant energy (e.g., both highly masculine at home), sexual polarity—and thus sexual attraction—diminishes.
  • “If you imagine like two magnets rubbing together... they will begin to repel.” — John Wineland [12:55]
• Masculine Energy: Purpose-driven, consciousness, presence, and structure.
• Feminine Energy: Expressive, loving, nurturing, pleasure, playfulness, responsiveness.

3. The Roots of Sexual Chemistry and Attraction

• Initial “spark” is often a result of subconscious childhood imprinting, not always “love at first sight.”
  • “The thing that we did not get as children is the thing that we will spend our life trying to find… when we find them, sparks fly.” — John Wineland [16:12]
• True, sustainable attraction can be cultivated, not just stumbled upon.
  • “The myth of chemistry is that it just happens or it doesn't. That's bullshit.” — John Wineland [43:24]

4. Why the Spark Fades—and How to Reignite It

• Common Problems:
  • Unspoken resentments and lack of emotional safety (“clear those resentments… that will bring back a lot of intimacy and a lot of sexual desire.” — John Wineland [12:55])
  • Loss of sexual polarity (partners both stuck in similar energies)
  • Habitual disconnection (“Both in their sweats watching TV” trope)
• How to Reignite:
  • Step 1: Take responsibility for your part (“Take a strong inventory of how you’re showing up...” — John Wineland [00:00, 23:55])
  • Step 2: Rediscover and embody your core energetic essence (feminine/masculine)
  • Step 3: Practice creating polarity consciously (“Transition when you get home… soften, so that you’re not just wearing that cloak of masculine leadership.” — John Wineland [27:56])
  • Step 4: Make time and space for intimacy—rituals, clear conversations, and conscious effort to ‘switch’ out of work or parental mode.

5. Trust as the Bedrock of Sexual Desire

• Loss of trust leads directly to loss of attraction—especially for feminine-energy partners.
  • “When a woman loses sexual attraction in a man, it’s because she loses trust in him as a man.” — John Wineland [21:05]
• Action: Name the breach of trust and have direct conversations about what’s missing (“In order for me to trust you... I would need you to ______” — John Wineland [21:05])

6. The Role of Patterns & Childhood ‘Imago’

• We tend to repeat our old relationship wounds until we become conscious of them.
  • “We're going to attract people who are going to wound us in the same way that we were wounded as children... if you’re conscious of it, then you can begin to heal it and make art from it.” — John Wineland [39:07]

7. Practical Techniques for Reawakening Chemistry

Three Key Steps:

1. Conduct More Love Through the Body (Feminine Essence):
   • Cultivate pleasure in your body, reveal your heart, allow vulnerability and yearning.
   • “The feminine sexual currency... is pleasure in her body and yearning in her heart.” — John Wineland [41:30]
2. Train Presence & Groundedness (Masculine Essence):
   • Develop deep, solid presence—body language, calmness, listening.
   • “The ability to be present and be conscious is kind of a masculine currency.” — John Wineland [41:30, 46:02]
3. Animate Difference / Polarity:
   • Consciously amplify and transmit your core essence in romantic settings.
   • “To be a feminine partner means... cultivate pleasure in my body, and transmit it as deeply as I can to my partner. Masculine partner... connects to the part of me that is deep and infinite... transmit that.” — John Wineland [61:35]

8. Polyamory & Relationship Freedom (A Critical Lens)

• Polyamory is often (but not always) an expression of the masculine craving for ‘more energy.’
  • “Normally polyamory was a masculine created practice... no better way to get a lot of energy than to have a lot of different women.” — John Wineland [48:46]
• John expresses skepticism about the long-term emotional sustainability for feminine partners: “My guess is she won’t be comfortable with it for long.” — John Wineland [55:04]
• Conscious polyamory requires strong boundaries and emotional maturity, rarely achieved in practice.

9. Stories, Memorable Moments, and Candid Reflections

• Ashley shares personal stories of lost attraction and trust after ending her own engagement [32:58].
• John’s “boss babe” example: Career-driven women often struggle to shift out of masculine energy at home, which erodes polarity [27:56].
• A memorable “mic drop”: “You kind of know radiant—a radiant woman when you see it. And all radiance means is that she's conducting energy through her body.” — John Wineland [46:31]
• Heather’s candid self-examination: “I have a tendency to get stuck in my masculine energy… relationships have not been as easy for me.” — Heather Monahan [04:00]

Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• “So many people are willing to blame their partners for the lack of attraction rather than take 100% responsibility.” — John Wineland [00:00, 23:55]
• “If you imagine like two magnets rubbing together… they will begin to repel.” — John Wineland [12:55]
• “The thing that we did not get as children is the thing that we will spend our life trying to find.” — John Wineland [16:12]
• “If you don't clean up what's wrong in our current relationship... we're going to bring it to our next one.” — John Wineland [21:05]
• “You kind of know radiant—a radiant woman when you see it. And all radiance means is that she's conducting energy through her body.” — John Wineland [46:31]
• “Conduct more love through your body… it’s a trait you can train.” — John Wineland [43:24, 46:31]
• “Intimacy is a recognition of sameness. Sexual polarity is the exact opposite—it's magnetic difference.” — John Wineland [58:56]
• “The world is your sexual oyster at that point, so to speak.” — Ashley Stahl [48:12]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [00:00] – John on taking responsibility in relationships
• [12:55] – What kills the spark: trust, resentment, and the loss of polarity
• [16:12] – Childhood roots of attraction (“imago match” theory)
• [18:00] – What to look for in a partner: clarity on core needs
• [21:05] – Benchmarks for when to work on vs. leave a relationship (trust conversation)
• [23:55] – “100% responsibility” and why most issues are fixable (except violence)
• [27:56] – Why driven women lose polarity at home
• [32:58] – Ashley’s personal breakup story
• [39:07] – Patterns, wounded attraction, and healing through consciousness
• [41:30] – Practical steps to reignite chemistry: energy, presence, polarity
• [48:46] – Polyamory: who it serves and who it wounds
• [55:04] – Dynamic mismatches: what happens when one partner doesn’t want polyamory
• [58:56] – Sexual chemistry: intimacy vs. polarity
• [61:35] – Animating difference: how to consciously embody and transmit energy

Tone & Style

• Candid: Both Ashley and John are refreshingly frank, sharing personal stories and calling out common relationship myths.
• Empowering: Practical, actionable insights for self-awareness and improvement.
• Nuanced & Compassionate: Gender roles, energy, and relationship types are addressed non-judgmentally, while still acknowledging real patterns and pitfalls.

Final Coaching Reflections (Ashley Stahl)

• Sexual chemistry is deeply tied to trust; ask yourself, what does trust really mean to you?
• Are you congruent in your words and actions, both in partnership and with yourself?
• Self-trust and follow-through are as foundational to confidence as romantic connection.
• “Can you keep the promises you make to yourself?” — Ashley’s challenge to listeners [66:10]

Resources Mentioned

• Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix (imago therapy)
• Ashley Stahl’s U Turn Podcast: [link]
• John Wineland’s workshops & programs: johnwineland.com
• Previous Creating Confidence episodes featuring Kathy Heller and Gina DeVee (for more on energy and relationship themes)

In summary:
This episode encourages listeners to look within first—to take radical responsibility for their energy, presence, and the patterns they bring into their relationships. Rather than passively hoping for “the spark,” cultivating sexual chemistry is an ongoing, embodied, and conscious practice.