Session 11

Summary

Crissle’s Couch – Session 11 (Jan 20, 2026)

Host: Crissle | Guest: Chef Jade

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Main Theme and Episode Overview

This episode of Crissle’s Couch is a vibrant deep-dive into listener advice letters, focusing on emotional wellness, relationships, and self-care, with equal parts humor, tough love, and candid reflection. Crissle is joined by the ever-entertaining Chef Jade for a lively session marked by warmth, sharp insights, and the occasional hilarious tangent. The episode tackles a range of issues: childhood wounds, modern dating anxieties, the reality of long-term relationships, and complicated family dynamics, all while upholding Crissle's signature approach of care, candor, and community.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Emotional Reactions to Triumphant Movie Moments

Letter Writer: "Tyler Perry Steakhouse"
Topic: Why do big, triumphant movie scenes provoke intense crying?

• Crissle explains these moments are orchestrated to provoke emotional reactions:

  "They orchestrate them for that exact moment to provoke that emotional response...the music is like building up to this giant swell and it’s like... Oh." (02:46)

• She suggests the cry could be tapping into unresolved childhood longing for rescue or transformation, especially after taking on adult roles too young due to family trauma:

  "There's a part of you that's still that six year old little boy who's waiting for that big moment where... someday, life changes for the better and you get to live happily ever after." (03:50)

• Jade and Crissle normalize emotional release and encourage the use of a movie playlist if it feels cathartic:

  "As long as it’s not harmful for you and it’s not making you backslide... then do get what you need, niece." (04:27)

• The segment includes banter about what moments make Jade cry (e.g., Beaches, Crooklyn) and playful debate about emotional triggers.

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2. Dating, Disclosure, and STI Stigma

Letter Writer: "Janelle James Baldwin"
Topic: Fears around disclosing cold sores/possible HSV to a new partner.

• Crissle and Jade bust the myth that age (~40) makes unprotected sex risk-free for pregnancy:

  "The idea that just because you finna be 40 means you're not gonna get pregnant...famous last words." (09:27)

• Both highlight HSV's prevalence and stigma, urging honest but non-panicked disclosure:

  • Jade:

    "Don't jump the gun...be honest...give that person the option and the chance to show themselves." (11:42)

  • Crissle:

    "If you do test positive for HSV and he decides that's not something he can deal with...then I don't think this is the person that God would have brought into your life." (12:57)

• Crissle notes a pattern of self-sabotage and fear of rejection rooted in past hurt:

  "You’re trying to do things that you think will hurt less. Maybe, but I think it's negligible...this could not possibly be someone who was destined to be in your life." (15:40)

• Jade underscores: Don’t assume rejection before it happens, don’t dilute yourself before challenging the real issue.

  "Give yourself an opportunity to handle things point by point." (18:11)

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3. Nineteen Years, No Ring, and Growing Apart

Letter Writer: "Sarah Jane Fonda"
Topic: 19-year relationship with no proposal, lack of intimacy, and escalating disrespect.

• Both hosts are floored by the duration without commitment:

  "You've been together two whole decades. When is the one day?" (24:01)

• Crissle warns about the "sunk cost fallacy"—not letting time already spent determine your future:

  "The 19 years you have spent with this man have passed also. Whether they're a waste depends on your perspective. But they have passed and you will not get them back." (26:07)

• Jade and Crissle stress how staying sets a damaging example for kids:

  "They also see him being mean to you, right? See how he's treating you? ...That’s building something within them on what they Will and will not or can and cannot tolerate in a relationship." (26:20)

• Their advice is clear and strong:

  "If you don't want me, then don't talk to me. ...He should come home one day and you, the kids, and the dog is gone." - Crissle (24:00, 29:04)

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4. Social Anxiety, Partner Embarrassment, and Self-Awareness

Letter Writer: "Aretha Franklin Saint"
Topic: Girlfriend feels embarrassed when strangers laugh at her boyfriend’s voice and is struggling to accept her feelings.

• Crissle and Jade praise the letter writer’s self-awareness:

  "I'm so glad you came around to that point by yourself because I was about to say you've asked this man to stop chit chatting or change the tone of his voice because other people laugh at him." (35:58)

• Jade questions whether the public reactions are as bad as perceived or amplified by anxiety. Crissle agrees but chooses to address the letter as described.

• They agree the problem lies with the rude bystanders, not the boyfriend, and that the writer’s anxiety makes this harder:

  "Other people's opinions need to not have such an effect on you. ...Why then would somebody else's opinions on the way his voice sounds be able to shake the way I feel about this man?" (40:40)

• Emphasize focusing on positive traits and "pulling confidence" from a secure, unbothered partner:

  "Maybe you pull from his confidence...he don't give a fuck. ...Realize that strangers don't...have any effect on what goes on in your household, in your life." (40:17, 40:25)

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5. Family Chaos, Enabling, and the Limits of Responsibility

Letter Writer: "Vanessa Williams Shatner"
Topic: A brother’s continuous chaos, abusive relationship, possible CPS intervention, and familial guilt.

• Crissle and Jade unpack generational dysfunction and the dangers of codependency:

  "Boundaries only don’t exist with family when everyone agrees that boundaries don’t exist. As soon as somebody says, I actually do have a boundary...then boundaries do exist." (49:03)

• They highlight the risks of stepping in as a caregiver for kids if the system intervenes, and the importance of clear personal boundaries—even if it means contentious decisions.

  "You cannot be connected in a healthy, safe way to somebody who doesn’t think that they should have boundaries or restrictions on the things that they do to other people." (51:08)

• Jade:

  "There’s some boundaries it looks like you need to set completely for yourself at this point. Not just with your brother, but also with your mother." (57:05, 57:11)

• Crissle delves into the real, lifelong harm of emotional abuse and neglect children witness (65:41), closing with:

  "If for nobody else, step in on behalf of them kids and be like, everybody has got to grow the fuck up. And I do mean today." (65:55)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On trauma and movie crying:

"Maybe these movies connect with you and resonate with you so deeply because there's a part of you that's still that six year old little boy who's waiting for that big moment..."
— Crissle (03:50)

On sunk cost fallacy:

"The 19 years you have spent with this man have passed also...You will not get them back. Regardless of how you look at it."
— Crissle (26:07)

Advice on risky disclosure in dating:

"Give that person the option and the chance to show themselves as a person...you have to be honest in that way."
— Jade (11:42)

Advice to a struggling aunt:

"If you and your mama don’t hold your brother accountable, it sound like the city, state, county will do in just a matter of time."
— Crissle (64:13)

On hard boundaries:

"You gotta nip this shit in the bud now. Got to."
— Jade (50:33)

Classic Crissle humor:

"You, the kids, and the dog is gone. Straight like that. I’m at my mama’s house ‘cause I don’t know who the fuck you think you talking to." (29:04)

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Important Segment Timestamps

• [02:46]: Movie emotions, childhood trauma, and healthy emotional outlets
• [09:27]: Dating, disclosure, and confronting STI stigma
• [24:00]: 19-year relationship, lack of commitment, and knowing when to leave
• [35:58]: Anxiety, embarrassment in relationships, and building self-confidence
• [47:29]: Family chaos, boundaries, and the consequences of enabling
• [65:41]: Impact of emotional neglect and abuse on children

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Tone, Delivery, and Closing

The episode maintains a conversational, humorous, and at times raw and vulnerable tone. Both hosts weave in personal anecdotes, teasing, and cultural references, always circling back to empathy and sound advice. Their dynamic banter provides levity even as they engage serious topics, modeling how honesty and care can coexist. Jade’s interjections and Crissle’s centering wisdom make the show feel like an intimate and judgment-free gathering among friends.

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For more advice, follow Crissle’s Couch online or send in your own questions. The couch is always open—just know you’ll get the truth, with love and a laugh along the way.

Transcript

[A]

Hi and welcome back to Crystal's Couch, the show where I answer your letters for advice and talk to the most interesting people in the world. Today I am joined again by Chef Jade, a crowd favorite for whatever reason. Jade is an accomplished podcaster, chef, mom, wife. She sort of does it all. Tell the people a little more about you.

[B]

I'm a podcaster, chef, mom, wife. I do a little bit of everything.

[A]

Bitch.

[B]

All right, that's a little bit more about me.

[A]

You're literally so annoying. Understand it. The people absolutely love you. And the ridiculous things that you.

[B]

I don't understand either. This is a result of marijuana and neurodivergence. And 40.

[A]

Amen. And Ashe.

[B]

Yes, sister.

[A]

Who's up first today on Chrissal's Couch?

[B]

All right, today we're going to start with Tyler Perry Steakhouse. So Tyler Perry Steakhouse writes. My name is Tyler Perry Steakhouse and I'm a 33 year old black man who was forced to grow up really quickly at home.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I'm the second oldest of my mom's four kids and my older brother lived with his father and would come visit us on the weekends. My mom was bedridden for most of my life, which forced me into a fatherly position for my two younger brothers. Their dad left when I was six years old and he told me, I'm leaving and I won't be coming back. You're the man of the house now. Oh, not a true admitted I was going to get the milk.

[A]

What?

[B]

I worked through a lot in therapy as a teenager through a free therapy program. But once I was a decently functional adult, I felt that closing my file would be the right thing to do since the resources there were limited and there were probably people who had it worse than me and who could use the help. Currently, I'm between jobs, but the first thing I want to do once I can afford is to go back to therapy again. And in the meantime, I've been doing what I can to listen to my needs and do my best to figure out the root cause of some of my issues. One thing I can't quite understand is why moments of high intensity optimism make me cry like there's no tomorrow. Sometimes it triggers from random songs, but what really gets me are the things like the scene from Mulan when she manages to climb the pole and gain the respect of her peers. Or when Max and Goofy bum rush the stage together at the end of a goofy movie. God forgive. God forbid. Jesus Christ. Can I read today?

[A]

You're fine. You can just keep going.

[B]

God forbid I'm with the homies and we decide to watch Endgame and the entire MCU pulls up to beat Thanos. Purple ass Thanos was. Nevermind. I have a playlist that I watch every now and then when I feel like I gotta get a cry on. I'm curious to know what you think. Any insight would be appreciated. Good luck on your new journey. Peace. Tyler Perry Steakhouse.

[A]

Thank you so much, Tyler Perry Steakhouse, for writing into the show. First of all, I completely get getting emotional at big triumphant moments in movies. I honestly feel like they orchestrate them for that exact moment to provoke that emotional response in us. You know, it's like the really dramatic shots and the music is like building up to this giant swell and it's like. Oh. So I think part of it is you're crying at these moments in movies because you're supposed to. They are designed to do that, but the reasons underneath that. So there's a lot here as far as like being forced to be the man of the house at the age of six and even having a grown man tell you that you were the man of the house, which is deeply disturbing to your girl. Personally, I don't know why that grown man decided to say that to you on his way out the door, but, you know, maybe it is. Maybe these movies and these, these moments in these movies connect with you and resonate with you so deeply because there's a part of you that's still that six year old little boy who's waiting for that big moment where your dad or your brother's dad or somebody comes in and saves the day, or some doctor heals your mother and she's no longer bedridden and sick, where there's some magical moment where bam, life changes for the better and you get to live happily ever after after that part. What do you think, Jade?

[B]

Yeah, I think, I think you hit the nail on the head. Like clearly there's some, there's some things there and it, you know, stuff ruffles things. That's just what they do.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, and as long as it's not harmful for you and it's not, you know, making you backslide into another direction, then do get what you need, niece.

[A]

Especially if, if these, if these movies are the only time that you do cry where you have, like he said he has a playlist, right, where he.

[B]

Just pulls up stuff.

[A]

So maybe that's the only time you do cry. Maybe you really struggle to cry otherwise. I mean, I don't think there's Anything wrong with this? There could be so many reasons behind it. And again, they don't even have to be. It doesn't have to be like, oh, well, you're so traumatized and.

[B]

No, like, who don't cry at that.

[A]

Part in Free Willy? Who don't cry when.

[B]

Bitch, I don't cry at that part.

[A]

Not even the first time you saw it? Okay, what do you cry at in belly. Oh, okay.

[B]

Bitch, Africa is far.

[A]

I'm like, what do Jade at cry at? Fucking. Don't drink your juicing. Don't be a menace to fuck South Central while drinking your juicing. What? See, that's why you couldn't get it out. Yeah, that is the evil. That's the evil. Exactly.

[B]

Blocking. God, no. Beaches makes me cry.

[A]

Okay. What is it the whole thing, or is there a scene in particular.

[B]

Oh, no. When the white lady with the lips dies at the end.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You know, from her cardiomyopathy. It's so sad.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's so sad every time.

[A]

Nothing.

[B]

Oh, Crooklyn as well. Oh, Crooklyn will do it.

[A]

The dog.

[B]

Not Queenie.

[A]

No, that's actually funny. It's not supposed to be. Well, it probably is supposed to be.

[B]

That's hilarious is what it is.

[A]

Cause Noah. Spike is supposed to be funny. But it is actually. I can't think of a word. Now that I have a daughter.

[B]

I can't imagine a world where your dog gets stuck in a. In a sleeper.

[A]

So. Yes. And then they unfolded and it.

[B]

This has turned. This has turned. Let me realign this vehicle.

[A]

Yes, please do. Please do.

[B]

Beaches makes me cry. And Crooklyn makes me cry. Because the thought of loss.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And great big loss, it brings up something in the kid.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, so there's that, obviously, I think is kind of expected to cry at sad stuff, but. Jay, this is. I wish you hadn't quit therapy. Although it sounds like you did it for the nicest of reasons. You know, thinking other people needed it more than you and maybe they did.

[B]

But you're a good human.

[A]

Yeah. It doesn't mean. And it doesn't mean you don't also deserve care and this sort of consideration. And it definitely sounds like you have some. I'm glad you said that. When things get back together and you are in a place, you know, financially, with insurance and all that, that you're gonna get back to therapy, I think that's great. But, yeah, if you need a playlist of Disney movies and things like that to watch, to get some tears out of you and then you feel better you feel like you've had a release or a cleansing of some sort. I don't see anything wrong with that at all. There's way worse things you could be doing.

[B]

Absolutely. Absolutely.

[A]

Just ask Jade. She knows all about them.

[B]

I do.

[A]

That's what she does. Best of luck to you. Tyler Perry's Home Studios.

[B]

Tyler Perry's Steakhouse.

[A]

Oh, right. Obviously. Respect. And yes, wishing you luck on your journey, babe. Who's next?

[B]

Next on our list is Janelle James Baldwin. And she writes. Hi, Crystal.

[A]

Okay, that one's not as annoying as your others.

[B]

It's fantastic.

[A]

It actually is pretty good.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

It's pretty good.

[B]

I haven't dated in about three years due to hurt from my past relationship and not meeting anyone that I clicked with. I recently met a man who has brought me so much joy. He's charismatic, engaging, transparent, and just seems to be an overall genuine and good person. He would like us to feel comfortable having unprotected sex since I am five years older and not likely to get pregnant after the next year or so as I quickly approach 40. He has even shared his my chart with me and would like us to go get tested together beforehand. Here's the thing. I have tested negative for HIV and hepatitis, and I see my gynecologist annually. But I do get cold sores from time to time, so I'm scared I'll test positive for hsv. My mom also had cold sores when I was growing up, so I feel like it's probably generational. What should I do? I'm almost positive this will ruin us. I've been telling him he should explore dating other women to soften the overall blow of rejection. What I feel for this man in such a short period of time also makes me afraid that I might pass HSV to him. Although none of my other partners have ever said that I gave them anything. I'm crying while typing this letter because I prayed to God to bring someone into my life that I could call my own. And I genuinely feel like this could be him. What should I do? This has been eating me up. Thanks, Janelle James Baldwin. Aw, man.

[A]

Janelle, I don't want to downplay the seriousness of where this letter got, but the idea that just because you finna be 40 means you're not gonna get pregnant. Baby. Famous last words. Okay. Don't play those games. Of course he wants y' all to start going raw because.

[B]

Because I hate condoms.

[A]

Well, I mean, it just don't. It don't feel the same. Correct.

[B]

And it don't but they serve a.

[A]

Very real, very important purpose.

[B]

They do.

[A]

Oh, I think it's great that he's also being forthcoming about, you know, let's share my charts. Let's go get tested together, like, whatever you need to feel comfortable. But, you know, let me bust up in that. Let's not do it, though, because we think that it's not such a high probability that you'll get pregnant, because within a few months you'll be pregnant, and then you'll have additional decisions to make. So do it if you. If you want to. If you said you see your gynecologist regularly, talk to your gynecologist about this, maybe going on the pill or some other forms of birth control. If you both are like, yeah, we really want to take this to the raw dog level. But I had to look up whether herpes was. Or hsv, I guess, to be more specific, I had to look up whether that was genetic. And apparently there is a genetic component that determines, you know, how likely you are to get it or if it recurs and how frequently that sort of thing. So.

[B]

Hmm. It's a lot more common than what. Yes, than what? Because it's taboo. Right. So people don't want to talk about it. It's uncomfortable. And understandably so, if I may. Of course. Janelle James Baldwin, of course, you did that to her. You know, I feel the same as Crystal. I don't want to minimize what you're feeling, but also, don't jump the gun. You know, um, it's scary to share this kind of information, but you do need to put it out there.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

In a direct way, not in a passive aggressive. You need to go see other people, like, give that person the option and the chance to show themselves as a person. Right, Right. So you have to be honest in that way. And if there are things that you all need to do, let's say they are comfortable and you all go see a doctor together. Right. So that you can talk about precautions, you can talk about, you know, what possibilities and all those type, like, you give them an opportunity to have a reaction, don't have one for them.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You know, feel what you feel, but, like, you know, calm your titties just a little bit.

[A]

Yeah. You're definitely gonna have to talk to him about this situation, maybe even in advance of going to be tested. I'm not sure if HSV shows up on the most common screenings for STIs like that, but again, I think Jade had an excellent suggestion with going to see a doctor Together, then that way a doctor can answer all of the medical questions that you might have about this. Things that I absolutely am not qualified to even begin to touch about. But if you've never given it to anyone else, you've. I mean, it sounds like you've probably kissed other people before. I think that's probably a good sign that you're not going to pass it to him. But if he. If you do test positive for HSV and he decides that that's not something he can deal with and he wants to end the relationship with you, then I don't think this is also the person that God would have brought into your life to be like a long term, stable partner.

[B]

Here we go.

[A]

You know, because it is like Jade said, obviously there's a taboo around it, there's a stigma around it, but it's also not a death sentence. And it doesn't have to be the end of anything unless you all want it to be that. So I get it. Because baby, especially. Cause this is. You're a woman and this is a man. So it that much harder for you to find somebody that you really please. No, I'm sorry. No. The girls are miserable.

[B]

Yeah, no, I know, I know.

[A]

Have you see, Jay doesn't. Well, she should understand. But she's a married woman now. She's been married for a long time. So the dating game is not her problem. It's my problem. And my straight sisters are having an even worse time of it.

[B]

I hear.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Now listen, I've had my worst time. Let's be clear.

[A]

You were somebody's worst time.

[B]

Okay, I was somebody's worst time. I was somebody's worst time.

[A]

You're somebody. Somebody out there named their child Jade. I was. The worst of times. Somebody out there gave their daughter the middle name Jade and didn't tell his wife where it came from.

[B]

I just thought it was nice, you know, green's my favorite color, you know, Jade.

[A]

It's like a stone, baby. It means serenity.

[B]

I want to name her Chyna with a Y. Anyway, I'm sorry, That's what we're doing.

[A]

Nothing. Right.

[B]

And we are. Listen, just, just, just calm a little bit. Breathe.

[A]

Right, but breathe, sister. I think it. So to get back to the point I was trying to make before we let the ADHD carry us away again, this is what we do. It can be so hard to feel like you actually found somebody you click with and you like.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

It's been three years since you last dated because of this hurt from your past. Relationship. This man is charismatic. He seems to be transparent about things and genuine, a good person. You like, how did I find a straight man with all these qualities? Like God must have done this.

[B]

Log into my. My chart. That's nice, right?

[A]

A nigga being like, here go my my chart. But listen, in case you don't trust it, let's go together. We can.

[B]

Cause you can't lie. You can. You said AI can do everything. But also the doctor's names be right there.

[A]

They do.

[B]

I can go give a call.

[A]

You can go find a doctor.

[B]

You can't tell me shit. Hipaa. But I can verify they're real doctors.

[A]

Actual doctors.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Cause AI be making shit up. Oh, making up.

[B]

I saw Will Smith eating spaghetti. So anyway, it's too much.

[A]

I. Please. We really can't get on an AI rant. But you wanting to tell him, oh well, no, just go date other women. Like in the hopes that he's not going to break your heart. If he says, oh, okay, I'll just go date other women. That will also hurt. You're trying to do things that you think will hurt less. Maybe, but I think it's negligible. I think if this ends because of the cold sores, then that's going to be pretty devastating to you. But I also think again that this could not possibly be someone who was destined to be in your life.

[B]

No.

[A]

I think you're a little sensitive right now to rejection and things ending because of this horrible relationship you had before.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it may be that the hurt, even though it's been three years since you've seriously dated, that hurt is still there. Maybe it hasn't been fully processed or dealt with either. And so you're approaching this situation with that same fear of like, it could be that you're clicking so well with this man and things feel so good that you, like, it has to fall apart.

[B]

No, the girls want to Lisa Fisher the situation before, it's too, you know, it gets too big. They're like, I'd rather curb this before they hurt me bigger.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You know, but don't jump the gun. You know what I mean? Like, give things a chance to play out organically.

[A]

Right? Because when you do that, when you're like, well, I'm gonna end this now so that I don't get hurt worse, first of all, you still end up hurt.

[B]

Self sabotage, right?

[A]

And it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy where it's like, maybe if you had sat down and had an open and honest conversation with this man and the two of you had been really real about it and talked to a doctor together or whatever else y' all needed to do, find out how to mitigate the risk or, you know, if there's medications you can be on. I don't even know what all medicine can do.

[B]

But let's also go back to that. That's important what you just said, because you haven't been diagnosed with anything yet.

[A]

Right?

[B]

You see the cold sore? So your sister. I'm gonna tell you what you're doing right now. And if I may, I talk to my friends like this, so take no offense. You took your car and crashed into a wall and said, I ain't been in a car accident yet, so I'm gonna go give one to myself before it happens to me on the highway.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

Like, you haven't been diagnosed. You haven't talked to the doctor, and you trying to make this nigga go fuck around now already. Like, go on and have you go. Go do what you need to do because I can't give it to you. Don't do that to yourself. You are messing yourself up right now.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Give. Give yourself an opportunity to handle things point by point.

[A]

Right? I agree. She said that this has been eating her up, and she's positive that or almost positive that this is gonna ruin them. And crying while you writing the letter. Like, you are whipping yourself up into an emotional frenzy based off how you think this man will react to the news. Have the conversation before. Like, give it. Let. Let there be an actual reason for all of this before you put yourself through it. So have the conversation. Set up an appointment for the two of you to talk to a doctor. Make sure you bring up that you're doing this because you want to go raw so the gynecologist can say, girl, you're 39.

[B]

Also that, like, I know my time of pregnancy is coming to an end.

[A]

It is.

[B]

Are you girl Halle Bear had baby 50.

[A]

Yeah. What age did your mother go into menopause? Cause my mother had a baby naturally at the age of 42. So I'm very well aware that I'm probably gonna be fertile until I'm 50. Maybe even like my mother. And she started menopause late. I already know it is an excellent chance for me to get pregnant in old age at this massive maternal age. Geriatric pregnancy.

[B]

That's what happens when you let the swimming.

[A]

Yes. So let the doctor say that in front of the two of you. So Mr. Man also understands that it's not no free pass just because you five Years older than me. He like, oh, I got me up. Oh, I know what I'm finna do with this old Tinder. Old Tinder.

[B]

Hot coochie. Okay, I'm just playing. I'm just playing. Cut that out. Edit that out.

[A]

No, I won't actually edit that. No, I can't.

[B]

No, this lady's already said she can't.

[A]

Listen to me.

[B]

Call her hot coochie.

[A]

No, she's fine.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

She's fine. Y' all haven't been together. Y' all haven't been dating for very long. So, again, if he has an unfavorable reaction to this, I think it's a sign that this is not the person you thought it was.

[B]

That's it right there.

[A]

And it's time to move on and find somebody else. But what? Oh, Janelle James Baldwin, you act. And see, she gave you a great name, too.

[B]

So wonderful.

[A]

Janelle, I believe in your ability to have an open and honest conversation with this person, and I am wishing you the best as you try to figure it out. Let us know how it goes. Truly.

[B]

Yes, please. Yes, please. I didn't mean to call you hot coochie.

[A]

No, it's fine.

[B]

All right.

[A]

It's fine. Sometimes you're hot to trot.

[B]

This is true Me. All right, anyway, next up.

[A]

Yes. Who's next?

[B]

We have Sarah Jane Fonda, and she writes, you know, Sarah. Sarah Jane.

[A]

Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama.

[B]

It's too late. All that will be done.

[A]

Trouble of the world. Sarah Jane pissed me off.

[B]

She pissed me off so bad. She's been popping up everywhere for me recently. Yeah. Cause we was watching Holiday Heart, and they was watching Imitation of Life at Holiday Heart. You know, I sing Mahalia Jackson multiple times a week. So, anyway, I need to do that.

[A]

With Lainey, make sure she knows her classics. We're not losing our recipes.

[B]

Thank you very. You must do that.

[A]

Got to. You got to see Sarah Jane doing all that.

[B]

I need you to. You were so shamed about when she was alive. Come on, Hattie McDaniel. Come on. Get into it. Anyway, all right. We're real bad over here. Sarah Jane Fonda writes, I have been dating my boyfriend for 19 years, and we lived toget. Hold. Hold on. I'm sorry.

[A]

Wait a minute. What?

[B]

I had to stop the teleprompter.

[A]

I'm not.

[B]

Grow up.

[A]

And then I took us both of that. You've been dating? Are you sure? That's a one and a nine.

[B]

I just.

[A]

Yes. Look again. I saw boyfriend.

[B]

19.

[A]

You glitched. Sarah, you meant I'm 19 and I've been with my boyfriend for a year.

[B]

Okay, let me start over.

[A]

No, no. Yeah, what's the. Come on. Sarah Jane Fonda, white icon. Woo.

[B]

Girl. Okay, I'm two white icons, everybody. All your listeners today, they're gonna be like you, your friend and her comment.

[A]

You're literally their favorite. You're their favorite. Ooh, let me get myself. The lesbians are just devastated. You're not one of them. They think you're a stud based off your voice alone. I said I get it.

[B]

I tried sugar plums and that's. I just got a deep voice. 50% of light skinned girls got deep voices. It's what it is. It's science.

[A]

It comes with the mustache. Wait, hold on now I can say it. I'm light skinned right now too. No, Mandisa was like, do you want your regular makeup or do you want the makeup that's your skin color? Cause you're getting lighter and I'm firing.

[B]

My Danessa Myricks number nine today.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

So please, that eight can go to hell anyway. All right, Sarah Jane Fonda, we are so sorry.

[A]

It's okay.

[B]

Rewind. I have been dating my boyfriend for 19 years and we live together with our 9 year old son. I also have a 21 year old from a previous relationship who he treats as his own. The problem is he has not asked me to marry him. When I ask about it, he always says one day. I lost my job recently and he has been very mean to me. We don't have sex or do anything together anymore besides argue. I told him that if he doesn't want me, he can just say so and I'll move in with my parents. Yeah, he got all defensive saying if he didn't want me here, he would put me out. Okay, okay, what should I do? Do you think I should just leave with my kids? Thanks, Sarah Jane Fonda.

[A]

Sister.

[B]

Girl, get your bags. I can't. And get the hell on.

[A]

Literally. Like, if you don't want me, then don't talk to me.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Like he needs to just not talk to you. When you ask him about getting married, he says one day. Y' all have been together two whole decades. When is the one day?

[B]

One day?

[A]

Like this is not an eight year.

[B]

Old asking like, when can I get my belly button pierced? Like, what the fuck?

[A]

He's been mean to me, right?

[B]

Oh, Sarah J.

[A]

We didn't even get to the mean part. I'm stuck on 19 years and he talking about one day to get married. What else is there to learn?

[B]

Listen, I don't think marriage is the end all be all right. No, every relationship that's yalls business, you may choose to be life partners, domestic partners, whatever the case is. And I think all of that is cool if that's what you both decide to do, right? But you are asking and he's telling.

[A]

You, like, like, when am I going.

[B]

To the fair, right? Oh, I'm disgusted.

[A]

My issue is that you want to marry him honestly, and I hope this does not hurt too bad. But why do you even want to marry somebody who says one day, like y' all have not been living together with your 9 year old child and in a relationship for sister 19 years and he's talking about one day and then you lost your job and all of a sudden he's mean to you. And y' all not having sex no more or hanging out or doing anything together and arguing constantly. Why do you want to marry him? I don't want you to get caught up in the sunk cost fallacy where people feel like, okay, I've been waiting a certain amount of time for this, or I've spent a certain amount of money on this, therefore I cannot abandon it, I cannot give it up because then all of that would have been wasted. A good example is like you waiting for the bus, which in New York you could be waiting 30 fucking minutes for a bus that's supposed to be here every eight, but anyway. And 22 minutes go by and the bus is still not here. And you like, well, I refuse. In 22 minutes I could have walked to the train, but whatever, I'm not leaving because I've waited this 22 minutes at this point. So I can't, I can't waste my 22 minutes. But the problem is the 22 minutes are already gone.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Whether they're a waste depends on your perspective. But they have passed and you will not get them back. Regardless of how you look at it, the 19 years you have spent with this man have passed also.

[B]

Don't I hope and I understand this being a factor, but like, we have a child together, he helped raise my oldest child. All that's cool. But they also see him being mean to you, right? See how he's treating you?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I'm sure you have not asked in private every time, when are we getting married? He says one day. I know them n have heard you asked this question and how he responds to you. And all of that is setting a precedent for them. It's building something within them on what they Will and will not or can and cannot tolerate in a relationship. And that ain't what you want. You don't deserve this. They don't deserve this. And that nigga don't deserve you.

[A]

Yes. It is also showing your children what is acceptable behavior in a relationship. They're seeing a woman be treated this way and asking for more of it. Asking to actually lock it down and make it legal on top of everything else, which I imagine at this point, y' all are common law anyway in any state.

[B]

Cause goddamn, they are common, common, common, common law. They've been common law four times. Okay, let's be very clear.

[A]

Y' all are common law four times over. So this is what I mean. When people hear that. When they hear, oh, my God, it's been two decades. I can't leave this man. What you mean? And start all over at this big age with a 9 year old and a 21? Yes, and start over. Cause this nigga sounds like an asshole.

[B]

Let me tell you a little story real fast.

[A]

Oh, yeah, I love that.

[B]

I got a family member. She's old now. Now she's very old. And she was married. They had three kids, her and her husband. Her husband turned out to be gay, right? So they end up divorced. She raised the three kids, went on about her life. Do you know this lady got remarried by the time she had great grandkids, that's when she got remarried, okay? To the love of her life.

[A]

Oh, period.

[B]

They spent like 20 years together before he passed away. And she experienced the love that she always wanted, but she experienced it in a healthy dynamic. And she wasn't too old. And she was in her 60s when they got married.

[A]

Oh, I love that.

[B]

So I say all that to say 19 years again. Crystal said, you're never gonna get that time, but you're not gonna get the time back. You're not going back to middle school, you're not going back to high school, you're not going back to the top of this relationship, right? But you can rectify this situation now, right? You can do this for yourself. You can do this for your kids, you can do this for your spirit. And that's what you need to do.

[A]

Right? Asking him if you should move out, I think is the completely wrong move. Because he.

[B]

Stop asking this nigga anything.

[A]

Anything.

[B]

Sorry.

[A]

No, he should come home one day and you, the kids, and the dog is gone straight like that. Yeah, I'm at my mama's house because I don't know who the fuck you think you talking to. Yes. People Times of stress and losing a job in this economy when things are already tight. Yes. That's going to increase tension, stress, things of that nature. Him taking it out on you by being verbally and emotionally abusive, though. Yeah, no, ma'. Am. Yeah, absolutely not. So, yes, I do think you should just leave with the kids. I actually don't even think you should speak to this man again, truth be told. Truth be told, he really sounds like a dick munch.

[B]

And he's not even like. It's not like he's, you know, there's, there's like blatantly overtly awful. But he's awful, though, let's be clear. Just because he's not cussing you out or whatever, if you feel like somebody's being mean to you in a relationship, especially after a circumstance that hits somebody in the spirit anyway, like, God, go to seven hells. Yeah, go to seven hell. I hate bullies.

[A]

Same. And I. I really hate the idea of you losing your job and now he's switching up and being mean to you. Because it makes me think that he's been there all this time because of what you've been able to provide financially. Maybe you make more than he does. And so now things are tight in that way. But if a man is not sure about you after 19 years, he will not ever be. But also, you don't want this man to be sure about you. You need to be sure about choosing you and getting the hell away from somebody who would act like this. I get it, though, because y' all have a child together. He's been. Y' all have been together so long, he's probably the only father figure your 21 year old even knows.

[B]

Yeah, I see.

[A]

Like he's been there since he was 2.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

So that's daddy. And it's great that he treats him as his own. But like Jade said, y' all are also demonstrating some things that you do not want your children to pick up.

[B]

And decide that they're either gonna perpetuate or receive.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

In whatever way. You don't want that.

[A]

Yeah, Literally that. You don't want your 9 year old son to see this and be like, oh, this is how I can treat women? I can talk to them crazy and, and say mean things and it's okay because they stay.

[B]

Or niggas or whoever.

[A]

Right. Whomever. Whoever. But it's your children. They learn from what you say, but they learn so much more from what you do, how you behave. Kids pay attention to how we act. They notice the discrepancies between what we say and what we do. And maybe they don't say it out loud because they know you'll be offended and you'll feel called out and so you'll smack them upside the head or send them to their room or whatever. But they see it, okay? They're not seeing it. Stupid people. So, yeah, I hope by the time this comes out, you already left. But if not. And this was the sign you needed. Baby, call your parents today and say, u haul the spare room. Cause I'm coming home.

[B]

We're coming home.

[A]

I'm coming home.

[B]

Mommy and Daddy.

[A]

Mommy and Daddy.

[B]

No, but we really. We pray your peace.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And that you make a decision that feels good for you. Because I know this don't feel good.

[A]

And I hope you're safe when you leave. Cause if he's mean now, he might get meaner when you try to leave. Which is, again, a sign that this is the absolute wrong nigga. So I hope you can leave safely.

[B]

If that's the case, write another letter in. Cause I got something else I could share with you to help you up out of that.

[A]

Jaden, the baseball bat package will not be a part of the program.

[B]

Baseball bat package?

[A]

Jade's like, oh, interesting. You went rustic and old school. Exactly. Baseball bats leave a splatter. Forensics know all about that. My methods are much cleaner. But she's cackling because I'm right.

[B]

I can butcher an entire animal. Please. You think that can't translate?

[A]

Get away from this man in as safe and efficient of a way as you possibly can. Please. Yeah, and make sure your community knows that y' all are not together. He is not to have any contact with you. And. And you know that you are. You're closing the door on these 19 years. And you're ready to move on to somebody who's going to value you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Good luck, baby girl. Let us know how it goes. All right, Jade, who is next?

[B]

All right, next up we have. Hmm.

[A]

She over there in her document full of bullshit, trying to decide which one to throw at me next. Wanna keep it light, hon?

[B]

Next we have Aretha Franklin Saint. You know who Franklin Saint is?

[A]

From power or something?

[B]

Close.

[A]

Let me Google it. Franklin, you actually. What did you call this show at the reading? Snowfall. Same fucking thing.

[B]

Oh, that was bmf.

[A]

I'm so sorry. See, it's like nine different shows. It's all the same shit.

[B]

Snowfall's better anyway. Aretha Franklin say it writes, is that.

[A]

Damson'S character, Franklin Very.

[B]

You better be hip.

[A]

I only know that cuz he's so cute. He's such a little kid.

[B]

He's an attractive, attractive young man, isn't he?

[A]

With Lori Harvey?

[B]

No mas. No mas as far as I'm concerned.

[A]

Okay, all right. Anyway, okay, hold on. Franklin Damon Saint. Please shut up. Wait, what was his name again? Jennifer Aretha Franklin. Aretha Franklin Saint. All right.

[B]

Aretha Franklin Saint writes. Hi, Crystal. I'm 32 and I've been in and out of therapy for social anxiety and on and off of meds since I was 18. For the most part I felt like I've made huge progress and I thought I was solid in my confidence and ability to do things. I've been dating someone for seven months now and I feel like I'm regressing. It's the healthiest relationship I've been in and I thought everything was great until recently. My boyfriend is nerdy but extroverted. Lately I've noticed that people laugh at him when we go places. It doesn't faze him, but it turns me off from him in the activity we're doing. I know I'm not just assuming this because each time it happens, they're staring directly at him or me and continue to laugh. Sometimes I even overhear their remarks and it's always about the way that he speaks. He doesn't say anything funny at all. But I think the tone and pitch of his voice is what throws people off. I like his voice, but I've realized that I have been becoming more and more self conscious each time it happens. But I don't know how to grow comfortable with seeing my partner being laughed at just from making small talk with the person behind the counter or standing next to us in line. I've asked him before to cut the chit chat and speak in a lower tone or not at all. But I know that's not addressing the real issue. I shouldn't be trying to change something I actually appreciate about him. And I know this is really something for me to work on. How can I learn to accept my partner for who he is and not let others reaction to him affect my confidence? Thanks for the help. Aretha Franklin Saint.

[A]

Okay, I'm so glad you came around to that point by yourself because I was about to say you've asked this man to to stop chit chatting or to change.

[B]

That's abusive.

[A]

The tone of his voice because other people laugh at him.

[B]

Nah, that's crazy. Does he sound like Urkel or something?

[A]

I Can't say.

[B]

You shouldn't say that. That's wild.

[A]

What? Oh, girl, please. Jade, please.

[B]

That's.

[A]

Please, Aretha Frank.

[B]

Yeah. I'm so glad. The self awareness.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Shout out to it.

[A]

Shout out to that.

[B]

Indeed. The accountability. Shout out to that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

You know what it is?

[A]

Trying to get that man to change his voice so that people don't laugh at him. The problem is the random people laughing at him because. Because of the sound of his voice.

[B]

So. Thank you. I'm so glad you said it.

[A]

Isn't that so weird? Like, who the fuck does that, you.

[B]

Know, when I talk to my child or other young people, you know? Cause, you know, we have all had body issues. And especially when you're younger, you go to the beach.

[A]

Adolescence.

[B]

Oh, my God, everybody's looking at me. Nobody's the fuck looking at you. And I tell my child, I'm like, if somebody's looking at you and they're laughing, that means they have a bigger problem with themselves. So Aretha Franklin saying, if you. Honestly, I am wondering a little bit if some of this is living in your head. Are there that many assholes in concentrated places that are laughing at somebody for the way they speak?

[A]

Right.

[B]

I don't know. And maybe we are not frequenting the same places.

[A]

Well, I mean, we live in New York where it really does take all kinds. And you have to be. I mean, I think you have to be like a naked. You have to be naked with clown paint on and riding a unicycle upside down to even catch my eye. I used to pass a bitch every.

[B]

Day with a SEAL wig, her titties.

[A]

Out and some black trousers on.

[B]

And guess what I did? I pumped my black ass to work. I didn't give a fuck.

[A]

So, like, you gotta do the most of voice.

[B]

I'm wondering if herself, if the self conscious feelings she's feeling are making things seem, you know, like when you're watching a show and it seems like everybody's laughing louder, but it's really in your head, right? And it might be one asshole. I'm wondering if it's that. But if it's not, fuck them, right? Who gives a fuck about them?

[A]

Yes. So I know she said that she has social anxiety. She's been on and off meds. So that is a possibility.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

But I do assume with everybody who's writing in that their experience is the reality. I'm gonna talk to you, give you advice, as if it really is happening.

[B]

I never went to school for this shit. I'm not A professional. I never claimed.

[A]

No, but it's a valid point because especially when, you know, you deal with anxiety. The idea that like everybody is laughing at me, everybody's making fun of us or whatever, that is so real. And so it could be magnified in your head. But I'm gonna assume that it's not and that you really do live in like a small town or something. Y' all are in the middle of some red state, red town full of assholes who.

[B]

Full of people who have. Arrested development.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Are we all 11?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I just. I don't know.

[A]

This is the healthiest relationship you've ever been in. You're really happy with this person. He's nerdy, but extroverted. Sounds like you're morally of introverted and not as nerdy. Opposites attract all the fucking time. But the fact that you. Other people laughing at him turns you off from him. That is a sign to me that what other people think about you and by proxy, your relationship matters more to you than it should. And again, that could also be tied back to the anxiety.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

This idea of how I'm perceived is everything. And if people don't like me or find something off putting about me or the people that I'm associated with and it's the end of the world. Again, I would like to remind you that there are billions of people on this planet and it is not. It sounds like y' all are running into assholes. You may again live in a place where diversity is not celebrated or tolerated, but your man having a tone of voice that they don't expect to have is 1000% of them problem.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Asking him to switch it up and talk all deep when y' all around other people or to not be himself so that other people maybe won't laugh at him is so inappropriate. I'm glad you know that.

[B]

Yeah. It's harmful.

[A]

Yeah. You know for sure that this is your issue. It's not right to be asking him to do stuff like that.

[B]

But maybe you pull from his confidence.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He don't give a fuck. So maybe you, maybe you try to like pull some of that.

[A]

Right?

[B]

You know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And. And realize that strangers don't. They don't have any effect on what goes on in your household, in your life. You're not gonna see these people five minutes later. It doesn't even matter at that point. And if you're healthy and you're happy in that, focus on that. Lock in on that.

[A]

Yeah. Talk to whoever is prescribing your anxiety meds about this. They may have some additional insight as your medical provider that I wouldn't have. But. But it really sounds to me that you have to grow confident in the choices that you've made, and other people's opinions need to not have such an effect on you. You like, this is my man. He treats me so well with kindness and respect and love. And we have fun together. We enjoy spending time together. Like, why then would somebody else's opinions on the way his voice sounds be able to shake the way I feel about this man? Yeah, it's usually because you don't really trust yourself or you don't feel solid in your ability to make decisions, something like that. Or there's a part of you that is still looking for approval from others, that sort of thing. It could be a combination of those or something else entirely. But you. By learning to. By. I think a great way to learn to accept him as he is is like Jade said, to just go full throttling, fully. Embrace it. Encourage him to talk more.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And if people laugh, be like, oh, and what's funny, babe? I missed the punchline. What was it? Repeat what you said.

[B]

Cause they get. Let me tell you something. They not great. You will trip a nigga up so quick. They don't want that. They have no response for you. They don't want that.

[A]

They're gonna be like, oh, nothing. It was an inside joke. Something happened. Cause I love to laugh. Yeah, I love to laugh.

[B]

Let's get hilarious, nigga.

[A]

This is comic view.

[B]

Get on. On the stage.

[A]

Perform. Like, you gotta.

[B]

You gotta embarrass me.

[A]

You do. You gotta embarrass me.

[B]

You gotta adopt those, those tik toks where they be like, this is my man and this how he talks. And he gonna talk to y'. All. And you better be nice.

[A]

And you better be nice about that's.

[B]

You gotta get some of that in you.

[A]

Yes, cuz. There's nothing wrong with your man. There is everything wrong with these juvenile ass people treating him like he's a problem. So I think any other advice for whoever this is. Aretha. Aretha Franklin say no.

[B]

Aretha Franklin say you. You know what it is and what it's not. You know what I'm saying? And you just. You gotta start working on your perception. And I. Yeah, dude, go see the doctor.

[A]

People have no power over you. Remind yourself of that. The ticket taker at the movie theater, the person bagging up your groceries. You know, these random people that you come into contact with, they have no power over Your life, your happiness, anything that actually matters in your existence. So pay them as much mind as they deserve. Focus on this incredible person. Be glad you found somebody you actually like. Cause again, you hear the last letter, it's bad out here.

[B]

She might be. I wonder if she's young, too. Cause I remember when I was young.

[A]

She's 32, right?

[B]

Oh, is that what she said?

[A]

32'S youngish.

[B]

Okay, well, youngish, not really young. You're right. Okay, all right. Not as young as I thought. Cause I used to have some stupid hangups when I was younger. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Like, I had my own hangings. Yeah. Things that were like, this doesn't even. This doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, right? Does this person treat me good? Do I feel good? Am I laughing? Am I having a good time? Then who the fuck cares if they not from around the way or whatever the case. Now, granted, I did end up marrying a nigga from around the way.

[A]

Did.

[B]

But, you know, it's fine, but.

[A]

Right. Because when it comes down to it, I like what I like. And nobody's in this relationship but me and them.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

So y' all can have your opinions, but what you're not gonna do is be disrespectful where I can see it. Because now I'm in advocating for my partner, I'm going to show myself that other people's opinions don't have that kind of power over me anymore.

[B]

And you say he's a nerd. Let me tell you something, big dick nerd. Watch is you. You hakushuing the fuck out of your uterus, okay?

[A]

So them people, they said, he over there. K popping that demon, okay?

[B]

He said, baby, let's play Naruto tonight, okay?

[A]

Put on that little outfit that I like.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Y' all doing that cosplay.

[B]

I'll be your Naruto, you be my sailor mo. Y' all be in that cosplay.

[A]

Get into the weird shit, sister.

[B]

Like, have fun with it.

[A]

Best of luck. Snowfall. All right, Jade, who's our last letter?

[B]

Let's see. Who do we want? How do we want to. All right, let's start here. Vanessa Williams Shatner writes, my younger brother has always been a rebellious child. And if I'm going to keep it a bean, he still operates like a badass kid. Oh, I know the title.

[A]

Yep, same.

[B]

He lives with his partner and their two children, but it's always chaos over there. They both call me to complain about their relationship. And it's beyond horrible. They're regularly verbally abusive to each other in front of the children.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

He's always cursing her name. And there isn't a moment where they're not screaming and yelling at the top of their lungs. I can't even get a word in with him because he's yelling on the phone with me about their problems. They're both trivial and petty. But his immaturity is off the charts. He's blowing everything up right now by contacting child services and filing a case against his children. Children's mother calling her a bad mom and telling them God knows what.

[A]

What?

[B]

He and I reconnected after he had made the decision to cut me and my mother off because we finally put up some boundaries with him.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Excuse me. Especially my mom, who's always done everything for him. He was pissed and said family should help family no matter what. And that boundaries don't exist here. When we weren't speaking, I was at peace, but also grieved him as an older sister in the relationship that I wanted with his children as their uncle aunt. I wanted him in my life. But we've reentered this sick, unaccountable reality with him again and I'm overwhelmed by it. I know much of this is due to the fact that we never truly hashed it out because I just didn't want to battle with him. But my peace and sanity are suffering over worrying about him and his kids. And Lord only knows what this ACS case could introduce for all of us. I really like what I've been able to foster for myself and do not want to be a. And do not want to be a mother. I also do not want my mother inheriting his responsibilities. She had her children and should be allowed to enjoy being a grandma. This has been all consuming and I know I need to find some separation. I just don't know where to even start because clean breaking feels unrealistic. Please help. That is from.

[A]

You forgot. Wow.

[B]

My long list Shout out to drugs. Man. That's crazy Jade. Well, keep going, bitch.

[A]

No. And I'm leaving any. I'm leaving all this in Dan.

[B]

What I call this lady.

[A]

This is amazing.

[B]

Vanessa Williams Shatner Kettle.

[A]

You want me to do it again? No, I don't want you to do it again. This is incredible.

[B]

You can't have a billboard show and I can't read.

[A]

You got an editor anyway.

[B]

From Vanessa Williams Shatner. Crystal. What do you think?

[A]

Bitch? Okay. Vanessa Shatner. This is. There's so I felt like every paragraph was its own ride. Let's start with the ACS case. Is your brother lying to Child Protective Services about his baby mama? Because.

[B]

Because they both sound harmful.

[A]

But that is a crime. Like you. Yeah, I see why you're concerned about how this might end up with you or your mother being asked to take custody of these kids. Cause it sounds like. Like neither one of them is super fit. But, yeah, your brother's taking things to a halt. If he's lying about the children being mistreated or abused or something like that, that is really going to be a problem. Like it sounds like when y' all tried to have those boundaries with him and he said what he say?

[B]

Boundaries don't exist.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

With family.

[A]

So here's the thing. Boundaries only don't exist with family when everyone agrees that boundaries don't exist with family. As soon as somebody says, I actually do have a boundary about this, about how I'm going to be treated, how I'm going to be talked to, the kind of behavior that I will tolerate being around, then boundaries do exist. Sounds like y' all went back on it because you really wanted to be an aunt. You missed your nieces and nephews, understandably so. And then y', all, you and your mother just kind of did this. Well, you know, he is what he is, and there's no holding him accountable. We're just gonna rejoin his life and allow him to act like this. So that's why he thinks he can act like this. He's always been a rebellious child and he still operates like a badass kid. Yes. Because when has anybody ever held him accountable for his shit?

[B]

And I got family members like this. I do. I got family members like this. And you have to hold your boundaries with them because they will run. They'll run. They'll try to run all over them, even when you do hold them in place.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So it's more essential. And I'm concerned because this is really complicated and tricky. Right. You. You're. Now you're involved in acs, right? Which. That's a whole nother system. So then you end up those kids in the system.

[A]

Insane.

[B]

Then what if they contact her and her mother to take care of them first? But she's very clear she doesn't want to be a mother. Then she's not even gonna get the foster care check.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Because you blood relate.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So now you having to come out of pocket and shit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When this is not the choice that you made. You gotta nip this shit in the bud now got to. Got to the.

[A]

You, you were at peace when y' all weren't speaking because the terror and the torment was gone. The little Tasmanian devil asshole of a person that was making everything stressful and horrible was gone.

[B]

You and not wanting to not argue with somebody is gonna eat you. That eats anybody up inside with that is never going to solve anything. It brushes things under the rug and creates much larger, larger issues going forward.

[A]

Right. You missed him because that's your little brother, the kids, and all of that. But you cannot be connected in a healthy, safe way to somebody who doesn't think that they should have boundaries or restrictions on the things that they do to other people. And then they inviting you into their relationship. And. And the things you're hearing when you're on the phone with them are bad enough. And that means whatever those kids are hearing is 10 times worse.

[B]

Oh, it's worse. Oh, it's worse.

[A]

By the way, the kids are. See, and right. And so what if, like Jade said, what if those kids actually do get taken out of your brother and sister in law's care? And now what?

[B]

Now she's put in a position on whether or not, like, I don't want to do this, but what am I like, this is a dickhead thing to do to be right.

[A]

Because now it's. I have no desire to be a mother to take care of two small children, but the alternative is that my nieces and nephews go to fucking foster care.

[B]

Like, I know. This is a rock and a hard place.

[A]

Yeah, it really is.

[B]

This is a rock and a hard place. Yes.

[A]

Because God only knows what kind of foster family they might go to and what kind of circumstances might be there. And you know, it's almost certain to be less traumatic for the kids if they go with you, but.

[B]

But that's not what you want. You mean you're gonna build your own. You gonna have your own resentment.

[A]

Then you will have your own resentment and it will probably very hard for you, it will probably be challenging to not take that on the kids in some way. Your mother's older. You would like her to just sit back and enjoy being a grandparent. So then the people. You have to have rules about how you are treated. You have to. To. You cannot. The people who will take and take and take and take, and you just like, man, damn. Maybe one day they'll see how much this hurts. Maybe one day he'll understand how much suffering he's causing, like filing an ACS report with his baby mama and being you know, chaotic with these kids screaming and arguing and calling each other name and all this shit. Like maybe he'll understand one day that he's draining our mother. He's draining these kids. Everybody is suffering. No, they will continue to take until all of you don't have shit left.

[B]

Yeah, and people like that just don't choose to take accountability later on. Trust me. Trust me, when you're like. Like you said, he may get older and maybe he'll start seeing the error of his ways. No, I have a 60 year old relative who just cussed out another relative cuz they didn't bail his black ass out of jail.

[A]

What kind of nigga, you're 60, why are you still getting. Cause I guarantee you it's not the first time you got arrested.

[B]

Right? And this is why I say, right, you got to euthanize some of these people.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

You know, put them right on down. Shot right in the neck.

[A]

Okay, so we're not going to go there. I want all of you to stay alive. Go to sleep.

[B]

I'm just playing. I'm just playing.

[A]

But you know, it may be that the government forces you to have boundaries because them kids are going to be placed in your custody and they're going to tell you that they can only have supervised contact with their father for 30 minutes once a week. And so then you'll be forced to not speak to your brother. You'll be forced to have some rules around how he engages with you or with those kids because the government stepped in. Nobody wanted to get to that point. But damn, girl, how many times do y' all have to be shown that fat meat is greasy?

[B]

Hello?

[A]

How many times?

[B]

Hello?

[A]

He's been like this because nobody's ever made him that.

[B]

He's always been a rebellious child. Well, now he's a rebellious adult.

[A]

Consequences are coming for that ass.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

If you don't want to be left behind in the rubble trying to pick up the pieces and make sure that your brother's kids are good and all this other stuff, then you are gonna have to go back to the. Hey, you don't get to treat us any kind of way. And I know this is your mama. Didn't she say the mama was the one who had always done everything for him?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

That's why he's rotten now.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so your mama is probably not really trying to have them boundaries. So maybe talk to your mother about it and be like, mama, if you don't start having rules around how demarcus acts, please, them kids is gonna be in your house. They're not gonna be in my house.

[B]

They're not gonna be in my house.

[A]

They live together.

[B]

Y' all live together. You and your cause. Now you about to fuck my shit up, Ma.

[A]

Like, come on. Like, you got to stand up. Yeah. Like, you don't want your mother inheriting his responsibilities. That's understandable and admirable.

[B]

But the other side to this, too, as. And it's hard because it sounds like she's close with her mother. You know, she's protective of her mother. She said, you know, my mom deserves to be a grandmother, and she already raised her kids. Also, Vanessa William Shatner.

[A]

Right?

[B]

If you don't live in your mother's house and your mother is not standing up saying these things, you can want it all day, but let them deal with that on their own. Because if she raised him this way and she continues to enable this behavior, it is harmful and it is hurtful to watch.

[A]

But also, it's not your problem because you don't want her to inherit his responsibilities. But it sounds like she doesn't mind.

[B]

And that's.

[A]

I bet if ACS called her and said, hey, can your grandkids come live with you? She would say, absolutely, they can. The bed is ready. Tell them to come on. Bring their favorite things.

[B]

Like, you can love people all day, but you cannot make them. You cannot want to. You can't make them do better. You cannot manage their relationships with other people.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You know, and if your mom. There's just some boundaries it looks like you need to set completely for yourself at this point.

[A]

Right. Not just with your brother, but also with your mother.

[B]

Yeah. That girl, from what I see here.

[A]

Yes. Cause this. It sounds like he's filing a case against his kid's mother for no good reason. Like, he's just starting shit with acs. And it's like, do you have any idea the impact that this can really have on these kids?

[B]

Well, everybody's the asshole in that house.

[A]

I mean, I mean it. Right? Cause she.

[B]

And she didn't say they were physically abusive, but he says they keep calling the same.

[A]

It don't have to be physically.

[B]

Mother.

[A]

Yeah. I'm like, what are you.

[B]

Is ACS even gonna investigate when somebody calls and says she's a bad mother?

[A]

Like, Right. This is what I'm saying. Is he lying? Because you have to give details when you open these cases. Like, is he telling them things that didn't actually happen? Is he embellishing, exaggerating again? Inviting the government into this Situation is a mess. But it could also be a blessing in disguise if these people really don't have no business with these kids in the home. And they acting out like this, like, just.

[B]

The system is so fucked.

[A]

Yeah, it is.

[B]

That I don't want any kids going into the fucking system. Unnecessary. But, like. But the household don't sound better. Mm.

[A]

Well, that's the. The key word is unnecessarily.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't want kids going into the system either, but some of them are genuinely better. Yeah.

[B]

No, true.

[A]

And so what I ideally want, and the main thing that so much of what I talk about keeps coming back to, is parents being ready for parenthood, parents having the support they need. And so part of this is the government. Part of it is society. We don't support parents, especially mothers. We are just. We don't have comprehensive sex education. So it's kind of like what you learn is highly dependent on where you live and who your parents are. And so the quality of sex ed is not great, really, in this country. And we don't. We don't have support systems for you. You either have your own money, you have your own mental health together, or you're fucked.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So part of it is that. But part of it is you're not prepared for parenthood in the ways that you could be. You could be growing up like a lot of women when they. They become mothers when they find out they're pregnant. Men become fathers when the baby gets in. And so they have a significant head start to changing the way I act immediately. No more cold cuts, no more liquor, no more weed. I gotta go to bed at a decent hour. I can't be having wine and all this other stuff. Like, you adjust the way you act and you start to look at things differently. You approach situations differently because it's not just about you anymore. I want us to be in a place where we've grown up, where we've healed from our childhoods or are starting the work of healing from our childhoods, where we've addressed those core wounds and that trauma and things like that so we don't pass them on to our children. That's an ideal world. So I say all this to say sometimes the system is necessary. I really wish it was necessary. I really wish it wasn't. And we could be in a world where it wasn't if we had a government that actually supported its citizens and then emotionally mature people taking on the task of raising children. But you really need both of those things.

[B]

You do.

[A]

And, yeah, if you don't, you know good and damn well you don't want no kids in your home, baby, you're gonna have to have this conversation with your mother and your brother, probably separately, but. But you're gonna have to be very clear that, like, we going back to the. I'm not even really talking to you no more because you are a giant child in a grown man's body and it's unacceptable the way you behave.

[B]

Yeah. And if he cuts you off because you say that very necessary and very truthful thing right, then so be it.

[A]

It sounds like he not even gonna have the power to keep you from them kids anyway. It's not funny. It's not. It's Jake.

[B]

Well, I said, put the N down.

[A]

So you did. Jake said, how quickly can we take care of the problem? I'm like, you know, permanently.

[B]

Yeah. Sometimes you gotta drive to the middle of the lake and let shit rock.

[A]

Yeah. And clean breaking might feel unrealistic because in so many situations it is. It is not.

[B]

Yeah. And it's hard.

[A]

We're not finna just automatically, you know, go from everybody hanging out all day every day, suddenly we don't speak or see each other no more. But having a plan for yourself of like, okay, this is what I can do. This is what I cannot do. And being clear about that and standing on it, you can't say, the kids can't come in this house. If you live with your mom, it's technically her house, you know, and she can bring the kids in if she wants to. But you can say, I am not going to be a primary caregiver for these children. Children.

[B]

It's just not what it's gonna be.

[A]

Cause I'm a child. I'm an auntie on purpose. Okay. She is on. That is deliberate. We just talked about my fertility. Okay. I can have children.

[B]

I have chosen.

[A]

I have. It has. It is a deliberate choice. And if tragedy struck, there are three or four kids I would absolutely take into my home, no questions asked. I am your mother, or whatever you. However you wanna look at me, I am that primary female caregiver in your life. I'm absolutely stepping into that role. No hesitation. Absolutely. But that's for, you know, those parents have to die or get caught up in some kind of scheme. A scheme that was set up by dad.

[B]

One of them accidentally put down somebody's brother. I don't know.

[A]

Right. They gotta get caught up in some government shit or, you know, I decides that their parents are here illegally, so they snatch these kids Up. And now, like, it has to be something awful like that to happen for me to take those kids in again. I'm doing it willingly at that point because there's no way I'm letting my babies go off to foster care when they could be with me. There's no way in hell I'm letting that happen. But again, I have chosen this child free life, except for Lane's. I've chosen that deliberately. I like it like that.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I very much like everything being where I left it and not coming home to a child who's like, mommy, where's dinner? And then sneezing directly on my face. Cause that's the thing, right, Mommy, I don't feel good. And then there's puke all over your brand new white couches. I like my life the way that it is. And it's okay for you to like.

[B]

Your life the way that it is.

[A]

Vanessa Williams Shatner.

[B]

Vanessa William Shatner.

[A]

It is okay for you to like your life the way it is and to want to leave it that way. So conversations have to be had. Be, you know, when you are mapping out this plan, be as realistic as you think you need to be. It don't have to be an overnight clean break type of situation, but be real about it either way. Because if you and your mama don't hold your brother accountable, it sound like the city, state, county will do in just a matter of time. Best of luck to you, my dear. I really do wish you and those children the absolute best.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Because I mean, those poor babies. I think sometimes we kind of look at abuse as like, okay, physical abuse, sexual abuse, like, you know, the worst things that can happen. And I'm not trying to do a comparison or anything, but in grad school, emotional abuse and neglect were. That was the main thing I studied. I did every research paper about that. I've talked about this before on the read. But the ramifications of growing up in homes like this, witnessing stuff like this, and certainly, you know, being treated this way are. They are devastating. Like the. It's right up there with sexual abuse in childhood, with the rates of, of ptsd, substance misuse, depression, anxiety, other mental health issues, more serious issues. It's right.

[B]

And future abusive relationships as well.

[A]

And they are primed to not only accept abuse, but to also be abusers. So if for nobody else, step in on behalf of them kids and be like, everybody has got to grow the fuck up. And I do mean today.

[B]

Yeah, today I really, for those children's sake, like, if your brother continues to choose to be an asshole, that's his business. But I pray. I pray one of them gets it together for the sake of those children. And that works out how it needs to for your family. Inshallah.

[A]

Mashallah. Everything. Mashallah, please. All right, again, best of luck to y'. All. Let us know how it goes. And that is going to wrap up this week's episode of Crystal's Catch Chef. Jade, myself. Thank you so much for being here. Tell the people where they can find you, Jade.

[B]

Of all. Jade's everywhere. Or I might be under your bed. I don't know. It depends on the day.

[A]

You can also find her at Jade and xd or.

[B]

Oh, yeah, getting grown. Black Kitchen Series Season two. I be places.

[A]

I gotta do the shit for this.

[B]

In the tunnels of Brooklyn.

[A]

You can find me at Wegmans.

[B]

You can absolutely find me at weddings.

[A]

Thank you again for tuning into Crystal's Couch. Follow us online at Crystal's Couch, and if you have a question for me, email me advicerystlescouch. Com. We'll see you next week.