Session 19 ft. Jade

Summary

Crissle’s Couch – Session 19 ft. Jade

Date: March 17, 2026
Host: Crissle
Guest: Jade

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Episode Overview

In this lively and heartfelt session, Crissle and fan-favorite Jade team up to provide candid, compassionate, and unfiltered advice to listeners navigating issues related to self-worth, family, community, parenting, and boundary-setting. The duo tackle a series of listener letters, blending sharp insight, lived experience, humor, and tough love to address struggles ranging from internalized shame and religious trauma to parental paranoia and the complexities of chosen family. The episode balances laughter with vulnerability—as always, “not therapy, but maybe the next best thing.”

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Healing Self-Worth and Overcoming Childhood Trauma

Letter #1: “ENJ Brandy Norwood”—Struggles with Self-Value as a Gay Black Man
[00:36 – 13:27]

• Listener’s Dilemma: Internalized feelings of unworthiness stemming from a childhood filled with parental favoritism, religious shame, and external homophobia. Despite leaving religion and building some self-acceptance, lingering triggers persist, especially relating to relationships and isolation.
• Crissle’s Guidance ([02:55]):
  • Recommends “inner child” work—keeping childhood photos nearby as visual reminders.
  • Suggests Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy if accessible.
  • Emphasizes intentional self-compassion: “Start to really…think about treating yourself now the same way you deserve to be treated when you were that age.”
  • Quote: “It’s hard for me to believe that I have value just as I am, that if I’m not, like, being superwoman, then I’m garbage, basically.” (04:08)
• Jade Adds ([05:26]):
  • Highlights the damage of religious indoctrination.
  • Encourages speaking to oneself with the same grace given to loved ones: “You would not tolerate listening to your loved ones speak about themselves in that way.” (06:00)
  • Notes sometimes family’s “best” is not good enough—seek support elsewhere if necessary.
• Both Stress:
  • Healing takes time; be patient and kind to yourself.
  • Confront or disengage from unsupportive family (“your parents are…just two human beings in the grand scheme of things…” [09:00]).
  • Seek community—don’t underestimate the value of external connections (11:14).

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2. Paranoia in a Parent Figure

Letter #2: “newmonica, Lewinsky”—Navigating a Stepdad’s Paranoia
[13:33 – 28:09]

• Listener’s Dilemma: Stepdad exhibits paranoid behaviors—believes he’s being watched, uses fake names, restricts tech, compulsively guards household privacy. The paranoia disrupts day-to-day family functioning.
• Crissle’s Take ([14:57]):
  • Acknowledges overlap between rational caution and true paranoia.
  • Explains difference: “Intuition should bring a sense of peace or calm. Paranoia will bring a sense of panic or fear.” (17:43)
  • Difficult to help—avoiding outright contradiction, while not validating delusions.
  • Suggests: Acknowledge feelings (“That sounds really scary…”) but don’t reinforce false beliefs.
• Support Strategies ([19:02]; [21:04]):
  • Encourage documenting incidents for evidence; gently, in lucid moments, compare paranoid predictions to outcomes.
  • Emphasize the need for professional help; family can’t “fix” deep-seated mental health issues alone.
  • Support groups for those living with paranoid relatives may help (for the mother).
• Memorable Moment:
  • Jade’s attempt to find levity in the darkness—“Order Instacart?…he’s gonna think it’s the KGB.” (21:25)
• Bottom Line:
  • Exercise patience, attention, and boundaries; prioritize safety and seek clinical intervention if at all possible.

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3. Parenting Black Kids, Trans Identity, and Community in “White Spaces”

Letter #3: “Mary J. Blige”—Struggling with Black and Trans Identity in the Midwest
[28:15 – 39:22]

• Listener’s Scenario: Black single mother of twins (one autistic daughter, one trans son) in Iowa—kids are deeply unhappy, struggle with identity, no local community. Weighs staying (safer, cheaper, more stable) against moving somewhere with more Black/trans community support.
• Crissle & Jade’s Double-Take ([30:24]; [32:10]):
  • Acknowledge the isolation and pressure of raising Black, neurodivergent, and trans kids in overwhelmingly white environments.
  • Recognize trade-offs between cost of living, career stability, and social/emotional safety for children.
• Jade’s Perspective ([33:33]):
  • Cites her own experience—urban environment offers more community, but sacrifices may be required.
  • “I totally understand…cost of living is cheaper here…[but] I have witnessed kids [with no community] not thrive.”
• Advice:
  • If possible, consider relocating for greater community and diversity (even to the “black side” of town or nearby cities).
  • Seek online and local affinity/support groups for kids and self.
  • Strongly emphasize: “You didn’t do nothing wrong…your child being autistic or trans…people beating you up for that is crazy, man.” (38:00)
• Memorable:
  • “Annapolis? Is that a Arundel Mills? You can go to the Arundel Mills…” (36:56)
  • Tough love for ignorant family/community members—“You’re not gonna shame my motherfucking kid. I will bully you and your family.” (38:23)

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4. Boundaries in Caretaking, Stepparenting, and the Child-Free Choice

Letter #4: “Adina Howard the Duck”—Partner Keeps Taking in Grandkids, Against Boundaries
[39:30 – 51:56]

• Dilemma: Listener entered relationship with a girlfriend who had four grown kids (fine), but then took custody of grandkids with promise it was temporary. Now has six young kids in the house, partner keeps taking in more. Listener neither wants to raise kids nor agrees with partner’s parenting style (harsh/verbal abuse).
• Crissle’s Take ([43:08]):
  • Empathizes with pain of breaking connection with children who are attached to her.
  • The “first best time to leave” was when the first promise was broken; “the second best time is right now.”
• Jade’s Angle ([45:25]):
  • Respects the child-free choice; notes that sometimes people change their mind, but it’s 100% valid not to want kids.
  • Warns of brewing resentment: “You’re going to have to…shit or get off the pot, because…you are only gonna continue to become more and more attached.”
  • Flags partner’s lack of receptiveness to critique on her parenting (“…that’s not a good sign.”)
• Decision Point:
  • If you’re not seen as an equal parent, staying isn’t sustainable; you’re not obligated to remain out of guilt.
  • On partner’s logic (“my grandkids won't grow up to be no bum ass, weak ass, ghetto ass adults…”): “You are literally their first bully.” (48:34)
• Memorable:
  • “You yell at a baby…It would be almost impossible for me to conceal my disgust.” (51:23)

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5. Surviving Family Narcissism & Maintaining No Contact

Letter #5: “Spliff Star Jones”—Stalking and Narcissism from the Family
[52:15 – 64:43]

• Context: Listener (43) is estranged from father after lifelong abuse, scapegoated against a golden child sibling. Family drove to Atlanta for an “ambush,” then continues to stalk her, triggering a severe CPTSD episode.
• Crissle’s Advice ([54:58]; [57:32]):
  • Affirms listener’s right to strict boundaries and cutting off toxic relatives: “…nothing’s more important than my peace. I mean that shit. Everybody can go behind my peace, my safety.” (59:12)
  • Recommends ending all contact, blocking numbers, securing digital privacy (stop sharing location), and—if necessary—involving law enforcement for stalking or harassment.
  • “If I have to get a restraining order, there’s no step I won’t take to protect my own peace.” (60:56)
• Jade’s Additions ([55:30]; [61:02]):
  • Mixes humor and reality: “Would you like a curse performed at this table?”
  • Laments loss of mother, encourages leaning on chosen family and friends.
  • “Do not let these niggas come and interrupt your peace.”
  • Encourages embracing the “spoiled and ungrateful” accusations: “Lean into it. Y’ all think I’m mentally ill? Again, I will show you.” (63:21)
• Support:
  • Both express genuine admiration for the listener’s academic and emotional work—she’s “busting [her] ass” on that PhD.
  • Closing: “Take care of yourself, first and foremost, because these people—not gonna do it.” (64:05)

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Notable Quotes & Moments With Timestamps

• On self-talk and healing:
  “When you start to…think about treating yourself now the same way you deserve to be treated when you were that age. It takes time.” (04:34 – Crissle)

• On indoctrination and inner voice:
  “You would not tolerate listening to your loved ones speak about themselves in that way.” (06:00 – Jade)

• On confronting unsupportive family:
  “We need to disengage or separate as much of the attachment to them that would really love for their validation.” (08:02 – Crissle)

• On paranoia boundaries:
  “Intuition should bring a sense of peace or calm. Paranoia will bring a sense of panic or fear…” (17:43 – Crissle)

• On the child-free relationship dilemma:
  “The first best time to leave was…when that four months was up and they were still there…The second best time is right now.” (43:53 – Crissle)

• On not compromising self for guilt:
  “You also can’t stay in a relationship out of a certain obligation too. Like no matter what that is. And that’s really hard…when children are that small.” (49:32 – Jade)

• On family stalking:
  “If I have to get a restraining order, there’s no step I won’t take to protect my own peace.” (60:56 – Crissle)

• On validation:
  “Take care of yourself, first and foremost, because these people—not gonna do it.” (64:05 – Crissle)

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Segment Timestamps Overview

• Letter #1 (Self-worth and Healing): 00:36–13:27
• Letter #2 (Stepfather’s Paranoia): 13:33–28:09
• Letter #3 (Community & Parenting in Iowa): 28:15–39:22
• Letter #4 (Grandkids/Parenting Boundaries): 39:30–51:56
• Letter #5 (Family No Contact/Narcissism): 52:15–64:43

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Tone and Takeaways

• Language is frank, loving, and direct—often employing humor as relief for heavy topics.
• Advice blends affirmation, hard truths, and advocacy for self-preservation.
• Message: Healing is ongoing, boundaries are vital, and the path to self-respect sometimes requires tough—and even lonely—choices. No one’s alone on Crissle’s Couch.

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For more, visit chrysaliscouch.com or email [e-mail] to submit a question.

Transcript

[A]

Hi and welcome back to Crystal's Couch, the show where I answer your letters for advice and talk to the most interesting people in the world. I am joined again today by everybody's favorite, Jada Ball. J. How are you, sister?

[B]

I'm well. How are you?

[A]

I'm doing pretty good. Excited to dive into the inbox with you.

[B]

Oh, I can't wait.

[A]

Okay. What are the people up to?

[B]

Girl, they really just be like, spilling their whole hearts and souls and I love it.

[A]

We're here to help.

[B]

Yes, we are.

[A]

Keeping together what we can. Yes.

[B]

Okay. All right.

[A]

First, Ian J.

[B]

Brandy Norwood. All right. They write.

[A]

Hi, Crystal.

[B]

I've been struggling with feeling unworthy and at times it's hard for me to find the value in myself. I don't actually know how to believe in or create a solid foundation where I know that I'm valuable at the core of it. I know everything for me stems from my childhood. Hurtful and hateful things that were said to me. My parents treating my younger sister better than me plus a religious upbringing have tainted my spirit, heart and mind. I'm a 30 something gay black male, and since I was young, I've been told by the outside world that I'm an abomination. You can imagine the things it does to an individual who believes that they're the worst of the worst and that God high key hates you and believes you're trash.

[A]

Oh my gosh. Yeah.

[B]

All that plus my parents constantly wanting me to be something else and all the teasing, bullying and rejection in the world. I've shattered and skewed how I view myself. I've gotten away from religion and have found my own ways of connecting with God. I do honestly feel better about who I am and have learned to love and accept myself. But there are still struggles. I have triggers that snap me back into feelings of worthlessness. It can be something so simple as a stranger not wanting to engage with me simply because they don't like that I'm gay. Or it can be when I see my friends constantly talking to people, being pursued, dating and having relationships with these triggers, I'm left feeling like Elphaba, quietly singing I'm not that girl. I'm trying to grow up in the shadows, seeing the love and acceptance everyone else receives but me and feeling like I'm the reason why I'm not loved. I often wonder why not me? Not a jealous, hating or envious way, but more like why don't I experience that love and adoration or what's wrong with me? Yeah, I'VE never had a real relationship and have never experienced someone who just wanted to love, cherish, and value me. Overall, I don't really feel like I have anyone platonic or romantic. I love my parents, friends, and family, and I know they love me to the best of their abilities, but they don't really know the truth of what I'm feeling, and I don't trust them enough to let them. In the times I've tried, I'm reminded of why I don't. How do I build the foundation for loving myself truly and completely? I've come a long way from what I used to be, but there are still triggers to overcome. Thanks, enj. Brandy Norwood.

[A]

Oh, Brandi. That one's hard because it sounds to me like there is a part of you that still believes those wrong and terrible, horrible things that were said to you when you were a kid. So that's probably where you want to direct most of your attention to, like, undoing and unlearning those things first. I think inner child work would be really helpful for you. There's some inner child workbooks out there. If you have a therapist, if you have access to therapy, specifically internal family systems or ifs. If there's a therapist near you who specializes in that, I think ifs could be great for you. But one of the things I did, because I, too, struggled with this, of course, you know, it's just. It's hard for me to believe that, like, I'm worth anything. It's hard for me to believe that I have value just as I am, that if I'm not, like, being superwoman, then I'm garbage, basically. So one of the things I did that really helped me to stop doing that was to keep pictures of myself as a little kid nearby, like, very handy, where I could see them. The lock screen on my phone, computer, iPad, stuff like that. There's a little, like, collage of me in all these pictures from, like, birth to 17. And I would just look at that and think these thoughts and then think about saying those things to that child and how fucked up that would be and how much she didn't deserve that bullshit. When you start to really, when you are intentional about reframing that and you think about treating yourself now the same way you deserve to be treated when you were that age. It takes time. And I know you said you've come a long way, but you still have some triggers. Part of that is just the fact that healing takes time, and it's not gonna be done overnight or even just in A few months or years, especially when it's something as profound as what you've been through. But, yeah, I think that's a good first step. Just reminding yourself of who you used to be. Taking having that visual cue of, like, damn, this is who I'm talking to.

[B]

Like this.

[A]

This is who I'm dragging. Like this. Me at, like, 5 years old. Like, there's no way that baby deserved that. What do you think, Jade?

[B]

I agree with you. That was very, you know, professional. So I probably wouldn't have come from that vantage point, but it's important.

[A]

Well, you don't.

[B]

You don't have to be, you know, you didn't go. I also have been working since I was 11. I was never a. But interesting in the other. No, I'm not your guest. I am yours.

[A]

No.

[B]

All right, so listen, Ian, J. Brandy. No word. I think the other thing that jumped out to me was, you know, oftentimes, indoctrination plays such a. It takes such a toll on your spirit. And I love that you said that you are finding your own relationship with God and figuring out what you want your spirituality to look like for you. Because those messages, I think a lot of times people don't realize how much it really affects their spirit when they hear a constant, repetitive message of, like, damnation, which is gonna take a toll on who you are as a person. So I love what you said about keeping a picture of yourself as a child. I think that is genius, actually. Cause it is a constant reminder. And also talking to yourself in the same way that you talk to your loved ones. You know what I'm saying? You would not tolerate listening to your loved ones speak about themselves in that way. You would not tolerate somebody else speaking about your loved ones in the way that you're speaking of yourself. And so I hope that you're able to find that grace for yourself and able to find that softness. I love the child. I love that aspect of it. But, you know, give yourself a little bit of. Of relief of the fact that when people indoctrinate children, they don't realize how much harm they're doing to them in the long run.

[A]

Yeah. And Brandi mentioned that, like, you love your parents, friends, and family, and they love you to the best of their ability. It could be that their ability is not good enough.

[B]

Yeah. And you might need to say that you might need to communicate. They may not fully understand the depths of how you're feeling. It sounds like they don't understand. And there might be another way for you to Communicate with your loved ones just so that you find the support. Maybe there is somebody in the sea of people that has the wherewithal to figure out how to support you, to ask you how you need to be support. Tell people how you need to be supported as well.

[A]

Yeah, sometimes we have to confront people so that they know for a fact something is wrong. And it doesn't have to be confrontation, you know, like baddies or nothing. I'm not talking about like Zeus network confrontation.

[B]

Down with Zeus. It's not good for the community.

[A]

I'm not talking about that. But simply, you know, you have to give people the chance to do right about you, basically. And so saying, you know, such and such hurts. And then. But you also said, I don't really get vulnerable to do that with y', all, because when I do, you remind me why you're not safe. So it's also possible that you've already given them plenty of opportunities and they have demonstrated that they are not safe places for your feelings. In which case we need to. We need to disengage or separate as much of the attachment to them that would really love for their validation. We've got to separate that part of ourselves from them because they can't fulfill that need. But there are definitely people who can. It's just a fucking shame when it's not your parents, because that's absolutely. If anybody was supposed to show you love and respect and kindness and gentleness and consideration for your feelings, it was supposed to be your fucking parents.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

So not getting it from them is. And it can be very heartbreaking. But your parents are not the end all, be all. They are just two human beings in the grand scheme of things. And everybody's not equipped to be present mindful parents. So I think that part of what's getting in the way of you loving yourself is that you are holding on to this stuff from childhood. And it sounds like you're also blaming yourself for these things. Like, you know, you said you see other people dating and you're like, well, why not me? How come nobody loves me? Or how come I don't get to have that? What's wrong with me? Not a fucking thing. Like Jade said, it's just the environment you grew up in. It's the way you were indoctrinated to believe something was wrong with you, but there really isn't. You've got these two cognitive distortions in particular, where you're name calling you are, and you're automatically thinking others dislike you. Like you said, it could Be, you know, you, a stranger doesn't want to engage in casual chit chat and you're like, well, damn, how come I'm not a good enough person?

[B]

Sometimes it's not. It ain't about you. You don't know what that's about 100% of the time.

[A]

It's not about you.

[B]

Let me tell you, there are five people who can talk to me right now outside. They don't know what the fuck I

[A]

got going on, literally.

[B]

And I don't have any desire to talk to them. And they may be the loveliest person under the sun.

[A]

Right?

[B]

So. And I also wonder too, you know, just keeping it funky. Oftentimes when you're feeling these ways about yourself, you don't understand the ways that becomes palatable on the outside. And so I'm, you know, if, if, if I don't want. I'm not blaming you because you are blaming yourself. But I'm just wondering if all of the external validation that you're not receiving, and again, justifiably so, like Crystal said, your, your parents, you should have received that from them. You should have platonic friends. You should have a community that you can lean into. And I hope that you're able to go outside of what's right in front of you and find other communities, whether that has to be online, whether there are groups out there, whether you go to a bar where everybody is happy that you're gay. You know what I'm saying? I think being intentional about going out and seeking out the community to support you while you also do your internal work as well might be helpful.

[A]

It's true, though. Like Jay was saying, sometimes we beat ourselves up so much that it permeates and we kind of walk around like, Eeyore.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's like, nobody loves me. I'm so lonely. Which is so sad. Like, it's tragic that you feel that way. And also if you're doing that around complete strangers, it's very possible that they're like, okay.

[B]

Or people who have not, you know,

[A]

don't have nothing to engage with, need

[B]

to grow up, such as myself. Like, I don't always have the proper perspective just off of the initial reaction or interaction, should I say? So you don't know the ways that you might be wearing all of these feelings on the outside. But I think more than anything, the both of us just don't want you to feel this way about yourself. And it makes me sad that you feel this way about yourself. And I feel like you're holding on To a lot of the messaging that you've received. But you're so good enough. You're more than good enough.

[A]

You really are. And I feel for you because I do know what these feelings feel like. Been in this place for myself, and I used to say, like, oh, nobody does this. Everybody does this. This is always such and such. It's never this. And something that my therapist worked with me on was taking away that sort of catastrophic or all or nothing and reminding me that, like, okay, yeah, maybe my parents aren't the most attuned, but I do have some really great friends. I do have some people that I can turn to and be completely myself with. And, you know, maybe everything's not great professionally, but I do have ABC that I can look back on and say, oh, I'm really proud of this, or, like, I did my best work on that. So it's a delicate balance to strike, and I think you'll get there. But first and foremost, changing the way you talk to yourself, I think is gonna be the most key. And that visual reminder, looking at young pictures of yourself, baby, I'm telling you, it can really make a huge difference. So I am wishing you the best. ENJ Brandy Norwood. So sorry that Jade did that to you.

[B]

I'm not. I hope they made you smile today.

[A]

Best of luck, baby. All right, Jade, who is next? You little demon. Oh.

[B]

Next up, we have newmonica, Lewinsky. And they're right.

[A]

Hey, Crystal.

[B]

How are you?

[A]

I'm not bringing you back on this show.

[B]

You're not telling the truth.

[A]

I'm not.

[B]

I love what you're doing here.

[A]

Oh, thank you.

[B]

I'm writing because I'm concerned about my stepfather's ment. Mental health. He has a suspicion of being watched when he sees the same car multiple times in a day. He's reluctant to have certain remote controls in the house. Also, he insists on using a fake name when ordering food over the phone. Oh. Although these behaviors appear minor, my mother says that they significantly affect their daily life. For example, for Thanksgiving, they had to shop at three different grocery stores to buy ingredients. Not because one store didn't carry everything, but because he thought people would examine his cart to uncover secret recipes.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

To monitor access to specific areas of the house, like the garage, he uses tape on the door.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

Even though cameras are installed because he thinks the footage may be tampered with. When my mom confronted him about his behavior in the past, he began questioning her like she was the ops. I personally don't witness this behavior regularly since I live in a different state, but my mother is convinced that he needs help, and we're unsure how to proceed. Can you offer guidance on how to navigate the situation? Thanks.

[A]

That's actually hilarious. This is quite concerning, though. My gosh.

[B]

I was like, don't ask me my thoughts on this.

[A]

This is. Well, no, I'm gonna come. I'm gonna have a little bit more clinical response to that because I fully

[B]

have tape on my computer.

[A]

I was gonna say some of this actually sounds like J.

[B]

Not making fun of you, Stepdad.

[A]

No, literally, not very serious. Here's the thing. So tape over the camera. You know, when you see tech CEOs do it, you're like, okay, that's probably valid. The problem is that your stepfather appears to be suffering from very real paranoia. And, you know, Jade might shop at four different grocery stores for Thanksgiving, too, but that's because she's making a bunch of bullshit and she needs to.

[B]

Everywhere has something different. But not for. Not because people might go in your

[A]

car and uncover, like, secret recipes that do what, brother? Like, don't know what you mean by that.

[B]

I have a question for you, if I may.

[A]

Yeah, of course.

[B]

So, yes, paranoia is.

[A]

It sounds like real paranoia, but what is that?

[B]

Like, what is that clinically? Like, when you all study this, what is that? What does that look like?

[A]

Well, so it could be just paranoia. Like, paranoia is a. Well, there's a few different disorders that paranoia is a key part of, and I don't have enough information here to even begin to try to diagnose. But I will say supporting somebody who is paranoid is very challenging because they not trying to hear anything that doesn't go in line with what they're already thinking. And you can't make. Well, you really don't want to make the decision to validate those things because it is not real. So it's a thin line. And he probably isn't willing to see a professional because he won't trust some new person. So I would start with you kind of go along with it in the beginning, not agreeing with them or validating it, but just acknowledging their feelings the same way you would anybody else. Like, you might be talking about something that I don't understand, but I can say, oh, damn, that sounds really scary. Or, ooh, that sounds real fucked up. Like a lot of people, you know, like, for example, the tape over the camera type of thing. A lot of people are like, well, you just never know. Hackers might come in and look in your computer, and it's like, you don't you don't. Okay, so see, you don't. You literally don't know. And you have to ask yourself, is what they're worried about something that could actually happen?

[B]

Yes, that.

[A]

So, like, with Jade, it could happen. It almost certainly wouldn't, but it could.

[B]

So I've said many things and they haven't come knocking at my door yet.

[A]

So, you know, so there's that part of it which is like, is this even possible? Like, can this actually happen? And then from there, most people will do something and then let it go. Like, Jay puts the tape over her camera and then she stops stressing out about it. Your stepfather puts tape over the garage and shops at different grocery stores, and that doesn't alleviate the problem. That's how we know something deeper is going on. It's not just intuition. Intuition should bring a sense of peace or calm. Paranoia will bring a sense of panic or fear or, like, I gotta double up on everything I'm doing to make sure that XYZ don't happen. This. You know, we can't have remote controls in the house. And if he. We see the same car multiple times a day. You know, how many times a day I see a black Toyota Camry, right? Imagine thinking that you're being followed or

[B]

monitored because they're making less cars now. So it's so repetitive, right? But we're talking to you and you know that, right? I'm like, does this. What does this fall under? Like, is this like some sort of ptsd? Is this some sort of personality? Like borderline personality disorder?

[A]

It could be borderline. It could be another personality disorder. This is what I'm saying. It could be a few different things. So again, I would encourage you or your mother, since she's there with him, listen with curiosity, acknowledge how they're feeling, don't argue. Because again, now he coming at her like she. The opps. Because she's trying to bring common sense and rational thought into this, and there's no space for that. So, you know, I would recommend speaking calmly, speaking mindfully, listening without judgment, and maybe trying to even reassure them, like, I'm sure that the garage is closed or whatever. Like, I'm sure that nobody is this or that. But also to get him to get the real help he needs, because your mother's not gonna be able to fix this on her own. This is. He needs professional help. She is also going to have to start doing something like collecting evidence. So, like, let's say your father sees the same black. Sees a black Camry three times in a day. And now he's tripping. He's like, they finna you know, come by the house and install cameras in the grass or something. Let's just say that's what he believes. When three days go by and nothing has happened because of course nothing has happened because this isn't real.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then your mother or other people close to him have to find a way to bring up this conversation of, you know, last time you saw them, Camrys, you thought that that meant X, Y, Z. But such and such amount of time has passed and nothing like that has come to fruition. And you have these sort of premonitions or feelings or beliefs a lot.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This happens frequently. And I'm worried about you. Seems like you are worried about things that aren't really rooted in reality.

[B]

I wonder if there's support groups too, for people who like, live with people like this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So her mom can find tools to like, figure out how to manage for herself and her own peace of mind.

[A]

Yes. I thought you were gonna say at first support groups for these people. I'm like, they won't go.

[B]

No.

[A]

Cause they're like, oh, no.

[B]

I thought about. I was like, have him order Instacart. I said, no, because he's gonna think it's the KGB every using a fake

[A]

name to order Chinese food.

[B]

Yeah, no, this is like, this is far. And I'm like, has it always been this way? Has it become like hyper? I need a follow up letter.

[A]

Well, for what? Cause I want.

[B]

I need more details. I need more details. Not that I can offer anything of any substance. I'm just now very curious, like, is this new behavior? Has this always been. How long they been married?

[A]

Well, it sounds like it's probably been going on for a while. That to me is less of an issue. It's more of in the moment. I'm going to try to help you feel safe because this is an issue where you don't feel safe. I'm going to listen and validate your feelings without validating your beliefs, without confirming your beliefs, just separating their feelings from what they believe. This can be very tricky. And again, professional help is needed. But, like, I can tell you're scared, or I can tell you're nervous, or I see that you're mad. It's very different from, yeah, baby, let's put tape all over the garage and let's get extra cameras and floodlights. Like those are two very different things.

[B]

Like feeding the beast.

[A]

Right. So if we can collect evidence from these incidences and then Bring it to him when he's not having an episode and say, hey, I want to talk to you about such and such and such and such. Where you thought something was going to happen, it didn't. And this happens over and over again, and it is affecting our quality of life. It's not just that you have these beliefs. It's that we're driving all around town to avoid the grocery store that has the ops in it or whatever. Like, it's becoming an issue in that way that I think is probably your best bet for getting him to see a professional.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Other than that. I mean, it's going to take patience. It's going to take time. But, yeah. This is the problem with paranoia. Not until people lose everything and everybody around them do they realize, oh, my brain was lying to me. I have something going on mentally.

[B]

Yeah. And I hope y' all can find that hope, because I have, like, you know, how we'll see houseless people or people with mental health issues on the streets, and a lot of times they're veterans because. But correct. Also, I have watched, like, I remember the first time seeing the actual decline of a friend who was a coworker and then literally, like, watched them. They are now at the point where they are wandering the streets with a stick and a holy coat. And it's like, when you see them, it's jarring because I remember when they were well and I remember when the decline started. Yeah. So I hope you all are able to find help for your stepfather, because that slope gets real slippery real quick.

[A]

It does, it does. I have had different relationships in my life where people have been talking to me, and it's clear to me that they are speaking based off of a paranoid belief. And so it's like, I'm gonna let you rant and rave. Not you. Although I see why you see yourself. But I'm gonn. I don't know.

[B]

This bitch be giving me looks when I'm talking. Now I'm skeptical. Well, Jay, you know how you do well.

[A]

Look how they do well. And so, again, like I said at the beginning, if you are capable of reassuring yourself it's not a deeper problem.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You don't completely upend your life out of parenting.

[B]

Oh, you're just bringing some levity. Right.

[A]

You just. It's deep being a little B word. But see, yeah. Now you done distracted me. I forgot what I was talking about.

[B]

I'm sorry. Namonica Lewinsky. Anyway, the help for the stepfather so that it doesn't go deeper.

[A]

So right So I have dealt with this before, and I just kind of let them rant and I'll maybe ask questions like, oh, well, is it possible that such and such something that makes sense? And if they come back with something that's even nuttier, I'm like, oh, yeah, you gonna have to ride out this wave, baby.

[B]

You are. Yeah.

[A]

You're on the nut express right now. And there's really nothing I can do about that. Because when you argue, they like, oh, you part of it, too. Oh, you owe. You. Teaming up with them, Nick and you actually, so, you know, just let you have your feelings. I'm so sorry you're going through that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I don't have the responsibility of, like, taking care of them. I don't share a home with them. So for your mother, this. That's why I'm recommending, you know, writing these things down and coming to him when he's not having these feelings and being like, what's up with this? Because it's causing harm to me.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

It's hurting me. It's hurting our marriage.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And if he doesn't take that serious,

[B]

I want more lucid moments for her to bring it to him. That's, you know, like, I'm like, is this constant? Like, that's why I'm just.

[A]

I. I would imagine he has to have some moments of being lucid, because how do you get anything done? Like, you have to. Well, I hope so. If not, then she is probably his full time caretaker. Cause you have to. I'm imagining he works. He goes out and does some things where he has. I just have so many questions, some level of trust. Yeah, you do.

[B]

I do. I'm so fascinate, but.

[A]

Right, but your questions are less clinical and more of like, it's full nosiness.

[B]

Harmonica.

[A]

Lewinsky.

[B]

Excuse me? Curiosity. I'm just like. Well, I just. I just. I just want to know more.

[A]

Yeah, well, and I don't want to get too deep into the clinical side of it because this is not something you all are equipped to do. So I don't want to tell you what a therapist. I don't want you to take on that therapist role. I want you to take on the supportive friends and family role. And so that's what I would recommend as far as that's concerned. But this is one of those situations where I don't normally tell y', all, absolutely, you need to call a professional. But absolutely, your stepfather needs professional help. And I think your mother positioning it, like I said, and then saying, this is hurting me. This is really having a negative impact on me and our relationship. Hopefully he takes that seriously. But best of luck to you. Please do not worry about sending in another email so that Jade's nosiness can be satisfied. She will be fine.

[B]

You have free will, daughter. It's free will, daughter. You may do whatever you like.

[A]

Oh my goodness. Good luck, Monica. Who's next? Mary.

[B]

Mary J. Blige says hi Krystal. I'm a 39 year old single mother of twin 13 year olds. Let's just pause for a moment.

[A]

I was about to say, are you feeling triggered? Let's parade for sister. Okay.

[B]

I'm originally from the east coast but moved to the flat ass Midwest while I was pregnant to get away from a very toxic relationship and be closer to my mom. I'm starting to feel like I made a huge mistake by leaving my hometown because my children are so unhappy. I can take responsibility for my shortcomings, but it hurts to see them struggle with their black identity. One of the twins is autistic and the other is a trans boy. I've always affirmed both of them and encouraged them to accept their identities in all aspects. My autistic daughter seems to glorify whiteness in societal standards of beauty, which makes her dislike herself. Also, I'm still kind of struggling with the notion of properly parenting a trans boy. I have external forces telling me that he is the way he is this way because of something I did wrong. Yeah, yeah. I know for a fact that children need to feel safe, supported and loved, so that has been my focus. However, while Iowa is safer than Baltimore. Mm, debatable regarding certain crimes. Okay, I should have kept right. It does not provide the support they need from a community they identify with. I'm just starting to adjust my mindset to raise my child as a son, but the disdain for their identity is loud and has me second guessing everything.

[A]

I bet.

[B]

Do I blow up the life I've built to take them to a city where they're more emotionally safe than physically safe? I hate Iowa because of the extreme Caucasian ness and closed minded attitudes. Valid, but it's been much cheaper and easier for me for me to attain almost all of my life goals. Seeing my children unhappy and riddled with anxiety and depression breaks my heart daily. We've been in therapy, but it hasn't seemed to help. I'm seeking any insight or advice you have on being the parent my twins need while nurturing myself. Thanks, Mary. Mary J. Blige oh my.

[A]

This is tricky because your kids don't know any life outside of Iowa. And so. Cause she said she moved when she was pregnant. You're from the east coast, you're from Baltimore, but you moved back to the Midwest when you were pregnant. And so you're assuming that a bigger city would be better for your kids. And honestly, it might be. I mean, I see why you think that, but it's not like they moved from Baltimore and now they're all, you know, depressed and anxious and all this other stuff. But the concerns here are extremely valid for both of the twins, just in different ways.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Because as somebody who grew up in Oklahoma, being surrounded by white people and I mean, and I lived on the north side of Tulsa, which is extremely Negro, and, you know, very thankful for that. But you still go to school, and it's white folks at school and white folks all around you running the government. And the standard there can very much be like, well, why you not blonde? Why your hair not straight? Why you not white? You know, or light or. It can be hard to love yourself in a place that makes you feel like who you are is wrong.

[B]

Yeah. So,

[A]

I mean, you asked if you should blow up your life in Iowa and go to a city where Baltimore. Yeah. Which I don't know that Baltimore is necessarily more. Well, it's hard to believe it could be less trans accepting than Iowa.

[B]

But, you know, I know a lot of niggas from Baltimore. They're good people. Good. A lot of them are queer, too.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, that's what I'm saying. It's hard to believe that it can be worse about trans issues than the Midwest.

[B]

Cause I think the weighty decision here, just as a parent looking at this, is I totally understand the vantage point of, like, my cost of living is cheaper here, which allows me to afford my children opportunities that I might not be able to otherwise.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But I have seen families where they've moved from the city to the suburbs and they've thrived. And then I've seen families where they've moved from the city to the suburbs and figured out, like, yeah, I have a house, but outside of that, I have no community. I don't, you know, everything. Like, all the cons are outweighing the pros.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I think you have to really sit down and figure out where the cons are, where the pros and the cons are weighing out in this particular situation. Also, if you move back to Baltimore or somewhere adjacent, do you have community around that's gonna be able to support your children? Because that would be your Primary reason for moving.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So I think you have to weigh that out, you know what I'm saying? And figure out what's gonna be the best opportunity for you where you're not killing yourself to support them, but also you're getting them what they need. This is just tricky. And Iowa, I ain't never been there, but it just don't sound like I remember. We were gonna move to Portland, Oregon. We went. My daughter was like, oh, my God,

[A]

the streets are so clean.

[B]

They have no candy wrappers.

[A]

When y' all had y' all west coast trip.

[B]

Yes. When we were niggas taking a road trip, it was fantastic. It. We were like, yeah. And we know we niggas that like to hike and camp and like, you

[A]

know, So y' all got so excited about Portland.

[B]

We got so hyped. And as I sat with it more and more and more and realized that maybe two people, two black people in all of the city head nodded me. I said, you know, maybe this is not. Yeah, like, I'm not. Yes, we're in a two bedroom apartment, but also this may be where we need to be. Cause my child is enriched and she's happy and she's surrounded by community. So I think you just have to figure out. And I would love a bigger kitchen, I would love a garage. I have a lot of shit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I'm saying?

[A]

You should see what I can do with a two bedroom apartment.

[B]

But I also know that I have a strong community and she's got everything she needs. So I think you just have to weigh it out and what's gonna work best for your family.

[A]

Right. I mean, they're 13. If you have a savings or some sort of cushion especially, I think it's worth it to look into moving to a bigger city just because there are more of everything. Like, if your kids can go to a majority black school now, I don't know how good that's gonna be for your trans son. It might be great for your daughter.

[B]

It might be opposite. Cause she said her daughter was. Is she.

[A]

She adores whiteness, but she can get out of that.

[B]

Yeah, we can get you out of that. If you get you a young Jade, your daughter gets you a little friend.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I'm saying? They'll help turn that around real quick.

[A]

She gonna say something crazy about being blackhead. And the mother kid's gonna be like,

[B]

what is wrong with you? We don't do that. That's what it is in Baltimore.

[A]

We don't have to do the deal.

[B]

That was actually one of my greatest fears for raising a. I was like, please don't let me have a child who does not like being black. So I might.

[A]

Well, your Brooklyn baby didn't really have to worry about.

[B]

And her poor nigga ass parent, we be in her ear. We're like, you listening to K Pop? They stole that from N. And she's like, I know.

[A]

I still like it. Damn.

[B]

You know, drilling it into her.

[A]

Like, please, please.

[B]

But that was one of my greatest. So I understand that being a great big giant concern for raising a black girl and then also a trans teenager.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I feel like in this day, this is the best day and age. If you're going well, you know.

[A]

Yeah, no, right.

[B]

You know, six, seven.

[A]

The good and the bad.

[B]

Cause this government. This government.

[A]

But in specific places, the resources are there. That's why you gotta be very specific about where you go.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I think if you, you know that your children are really, really struggling and it's the environment that is keeping them from flourishing, it's absolutely worth it. Again, especially if you have a cushion to. To get y' all through a move and transitioning. And, I mean, even the suburbs of Baltimore is gonna be better than the middle of the country.

[B]

Annapolis, Is that a Arundel Mills? You can go to the arundel Mills.

[A]

Oh, C.J. no. I don't even know what the suburbs

[B]

are, but I might have just said

[A]

proximity to more diversity can help. And then, of course, more metropolitan urban areas are going to have more support, maybe even for autism. I don't know what the autism support is like in Iowa.

[B]

That's why I said I'm more concerned for that than the transition.

[A]

Certainly for autism and trans issues, I think it's worth it. But if you. But also, are you going to be able to work? Like, what can you do if you can't work? It's not worth it.

[B]

No.

[A]

But if you can, and it's just gonna take some planning, I think it is.

[B]

And you start planning and maybe. And again, look for digital community right now. If you don't have that in the area, look for a community now and resources now on how you can support your children. Cause they're also at a very pivotal age, you know what I'm saying? So you wanna get a hold on this now. But also to your point that you said earlier in this as well, you didn't do nothing wrong.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Your child being autistic or trans or

[A]

anything and people beating you up for that is crazy, man.

[B]

What the hell Especially if it's some homophobic niggas.

[A]

And you know it is from the

[B]

church with some Kitten Hills like, bitch, don't talk to me, so don't talk to me.

[A]

You know it's a bunch of ignorant people around her being like trans. You just need that for that baby Burlington.

[B]

Now you gotta start shaming niggas back. You know what I'm saying? You're not gonna shame my motherfucking kid. I will bully you and your family. So. Okay, that's not here.

[A]

Go Jade. She just loved him. Taking just a touch too far straight to hell. But yes, I hope we've given you enough here to think about. Even if y' all can just move to the black side of the town you in. If there is one. Maybe even that.

[B]

How close is that to Milwaukee? I know there's a lot of niggas in Milwaukee.

[A]

I really don't.

[B]

There's lots of black places in the Midwest too.

[A]

This is what I'm saying. There. Like even Oklahoma, we got the north side of Tulsa, we got black people in Oklahoma City. But you gotta be so deliberate and mindful. And of course those communities are underfunded, underserved. The schools don't get the support they need. So it's a.

[B]

Everybody's mixed.

[A]

Weird. There's a trade off there in a lot of ways. But it's worth it to consider it again. Especially if you can get employment somewhere else.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Best of luck to you and your children. Mary. Mary Gibson Blige.

[B]

Aw.

[A]

All right, Jay. Who's next, darling?

[B]

Next up we have Adina Howard. Howard the duck.

[A]

You're not coming back.

[B]

I will be back. I will be.

[A]

Hi, Crystal. All right.

[B]

I'm 37 years old and I've been dating a 48 year old woman for a little over a year.

[A]

Work.

[B]

When we were getting to know each other, I expressed that I don't want children and I'm not looking to date anyone with children. She does have four children, but they're all adults, which is fine with me.

[A]

Amen.

[B]

After the first night we met, we were in a relationship because lesbianism.

[A]

Jade knows.

[B]

Yeah. I knew it. Uncle Jade gets it. Uncle Jade is always here for you. Come to find out she has custody of some of her grandchildren. An 8 year old, 4 year old and 2 year old. But she told me she would only have the kids for four more months, then they were going back to their parents. Fast forward to today and she's not only still has those children, but now we have added one year old twins and A four month old to the mix?

[A]

Fuck no. One year old twins. I'm rolling off the roof.

[B]

Have you ever seen those fast little legs? She is basically about to raise them all because their parents ain't shit.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

I love these children, but the way my girlfriend constantly yells at them is unsettling to me. When I speak on it, she says my grandkids won't grow up to be no bum ass, weak ass, ghetto ass adults, and if they can't handle me, they won't be ready for the world.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

Yeah. She's a 45.

[A]

Their first bully.

[B]

It makes no sense because the way she talks to them is gonna lead to anxiety and depression.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Which I know from experience. I try and balance it by making myself available to them if they need to talk and praise them for doing things right. Now, here is my problem. There were so many problems already.

[A]

Yeah, here is the problem.

[B]

She had court today and is talking about taking on two. Two more kids. Outside of the one year old kids,

[A]

you already got six.

[B]

She asked what I thought, so I said, it's complicated. But she said it's simple, either yes or no. So I said, no, we already have six children that I didn't think I would have to permanently raise with you. She started going off saying I'm selfish and I'm only thinking about myself, which, I mean, yeah, kinda. I don't want kids, period. Krystal, if she takes on those kids, do I stay with her and help? Oh, this is how I know she's exasperated. She said, crystal, if she takes on those kids, do I stay with her and help or do I break up with her and leave the kids? That would really be hard because they all love me so much and now I'm walking out of their lives just like their parents did. Any advice is welcome. Thanks, Adina Howard, the duck.

[A]

Oh, Adina. Gosh, this is so gay.

[B]

Oh, my God. A loaded baked potato.

[A]

Um, baby. Oh. So I've never dated anyone with kids, but I have been in a relationship with someone and I got very attached to their family. My first girlfriend, actually. And her family was so warm and open and welcoming and we could hold hands and spend the night in the room together and all this. So it was like, you know, I just loved them. I loved her dad and her stepmom and her little siblings. And it broke my heart when we broke up. I hated to cut off my connection to those people. And they loved me. They would still text me, call me, and then she would get an attitude. Why the fuck you at my daddy house. Your daddy invited me.

[B]

Like, talk to your daddy.

[A]

Right. So it is. It's hard when you have a connection to your partner's family, especially kids.

[B]

Especially kids.

[A]

And especially these kids. Because it sounds like she's verbally abusive and gets away with it because the children she raised are inadequate parents. And I think I see why. But even if these were six angelic children, I mean, God just dropped off these kids directly. You don't want kids.

[B]

And that's fair.

[A]

So when she said. When she said, oh, I have four kids, but they're all adults. But I do have custody of these grandchildren, but I only have them for four months. When that four months was up and they were still there, that's when you should have left. So that would have been the first best time to leave. The second best time is right now.

[B]

Yeah, it's not gonna get easier.

[A]

It's not going to get easier. You are only going to grow more attached.

[B]

Also, what the fuck size house do you all live in?

[A]

Jesus Christ. And I bet you it's not that big. I bet you it's a three, maybe four bedroom at the absolute most. I bet you those kids are divided, boys versus girls and they are taking up two bedrooms. And the eight year old, or whichever one, the oldest of the ones she has custody of is definitely in there. Being like a junior mother, there's some

[B]

adultification happening which is, you know, par for the course in a really toxic environment like this.

[A]

Yes. What do you think about Adina Howard's dilemma here?

[B]

Ooh, this is tricky. This is real tricky.

[A]

Because I would hate to leave those. Knowing that I'm leaving kids in a shitty environment would beat my ass. But you can't do anything about that.

[B]

Now, there's a couple things here. Right? Right. Because I think as a person who is married with a child, I never fault people when they say they don't want to be married or don't want a child. I think everybody has a right to make that decision for themselves. It's valid too, in the world that we live in. I also think that sometimes we pigeonhole ourselves into a way of thinking like, I don't want this for myself. And you don't know what. You don't know what's going to unfold for you later on.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You know what I'm saying? I've had loved ones who are like, I never want to be a parent. And now they a step parent to five and they love them dearly down, you know what I mean?

[A]

So you can change your mind.

[B]

You can change your mind. And you have every right to do that. You also have every right to want what you want and not what you want. I agree with you in the sense where you're going to have to make it. You're going to have to. Or get off the pot.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like you're going to have to do that. Because the longer time goes with all these children in this house, you are only gonna continue to become more and more attached.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And if. And also you're gonna grow resentment for your partner and if she's not making healthy changes to parent to continue to take kids into the house and not do better for herself and how she expresses herself to those children. Like, yeah. Which will also lead to other issues in you all's communication. Cause if you're that stubborn and stuck in your way where I'm telling you, you're getting ready to negatively affect the lives of little ones whose lives have already been affected and you're like, bitch, suck my dick, then I don't know what that's gonna look like down the road for the two of you.

[A]

Exactly. I think I would be ready to break up because of the way she talks to the kids. Not because there are kids.

[B]

The way you talk. If there's an unwillingness to get any help or to shift this or to even listen to me that, like, hey, I didn't realize I was coming off so harsh. But thank you for bringing that to my attention. I will be better about that. Like, I am not the perfect parent. Okay. But I don't have a problem apologizing and also acknowledging if I need to shift my course and how I communicate with my child. And if you can't even get that out of her, that's not a good sign.

[A]

Yes. Also, y' all have been dating for a little over a year and you have not changed your mind about wanting kids. And you've been right there with her. Y' all been in a relationship since the first night because gay. And you have not changed your mind with these six children around over the

[B]

course of that year, like Cabbage Patch Dogs. And I get it. Like, I get it. They are coming from really unhealthy environments initially. And you don't want those children to go into the system either. Right. Like, that's why these situations suck so much.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Because it sucks for your girlfriend too. Like, she. I'm sure she didn't want to re raise little niggas probably. You know, but also sometimes we are. This is our reckoning for shit that we've done in our past.

[A]

And it doesn't sound like she's learning, does it? No, it doesn't. Cause you constantly yelling at small children who have already been traumatized is quite the choice. But they're not gonna be removed from the home for that.

[B]

No.

[A]

Verbal and emotional abuse have to be so, so bad for people to step in.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yelling at kids, simply yelling at them is not enough for the people to come take them away and put them somewhere safer.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So that's why I'm leaning towards breaking up. Because your hands are really tied.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

She doesn't respect you as a co parent when you say, hey. Screaming at these kids like this ain't it. You like it's not gonna be no bitch ass niggas. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're literally their first bully girl. Like they mom and daddy out doing drugs or whatever. Right. And. And then they come here and they being verbally berated by grandma. Like they're being. These kids are having a. A really unfair start.

[B]

Yeah, they are. Experience is not fair to the. And I'm looking at these ages again.

[A]

I'm like, damn. Yeah. Two twin one year olds and a four month old.

[B]

Like that baby should still be sucking on a titty.

[A]

Literally should be somewhere sucking on a titty. Yes.

[B]

So this is just not. This is just not a good situation.

[A]

Right. I would say stay and help if she actually value you as a co parent because then at least those children have somebody there advocating for them. Yeah, but she doesn't even do that. It doesn't sound like. And you're not any blood relation to

[B]

them, so you also can't stay in a relationship out of. Out of a certain obligation too. Like no matter what that is. And that's really hard.

[A]

It is.

[B]

When children are that.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

I remember I stayed with him way too long and bad things kept happening. Not to me.

[A]

Oh, I remember this.

[B]

Yeah. They just.

[A]

You couldn't break up with him because everybody kept dying.

[B]

Cuz it was horrible. Like when I tell you all it was, it was. I mean it was a stream of really bad things. And I realized in the end I was like, you don't deserve for me to be with you out of pity for these situations. You're a wonderful person.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You don't deserve that. And that was also low key. You know what I'm saying? That was massaging my own shit that

[A]

I didn't even realize by being.

[B]

You're not doing yourself any favors by staying somewhere. You don't.

[A]

Right. You don't want kids. You aren't valued as a parent or as someone in that sort of role. And that's really enough. Yeah, that's really enough. As for me seeing the way she treated those. The first time I see you yelling at a baby, I, I. It would be almost impossible for me to conceal my disgust. You yell at a baby like especially kids that you know have been through a bunch of bullshit. Like yeah, yeah. And then the justification being, well, they not gonna be no weak ass punks. Like they need to be ready for the world. The world is gonna be nicer than Meemaw is like, bitch, they're four. Like what are you on right now? And was this your parenting approach before? Because it didn't go great with your four grown kids. Your approach wasn't that great from the beginning, sister. Because you wouldn't be raising your grandkids if it was. I think you gotta get outta here, babe. I am so sorry. But yeah, I think it's time to

[B]

call it history of things that you have not necessarily been privy to. And y' all been up here, you know, smashing coochie's and that's cool. But like that can't be the end

[A]

all you can do that with half the planet.

[B]

I mean there are so many people out there who are. They are ready to smash coochie, you know what I'm saying? So.

[A]

And they're not raising children, which is also what you don't wanna do.

[B]

And bringing them in the house.

[A]

All right, Adina, you gotta get outta here, baby. We are pray for them children.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's unfortunately. I hate when our hands are tied in situations like that.

[B]

But yeah, yeah, it's just fucked up.

[A]

It's fucked up things in this world, man.

[B]

Across the board, you're between a rock and a hard place.

[A]

Yeah. Best of luck to you though as you move on. All right, Jade, who's our last letter?

[B]

Our last letter comes from Spliff Star Jones and they right. Dear Crystal, you're so exasperate. It's really. I do this now at this point

[A]

because it's just to piss me off. All right, Spliff, what we got?

[B]

Dear crystal, I'm a 43 year old single black woman finishing up my PhD in social work in Hell City, aka Atlanta.

[A]

She's cackling cause she feels that way about Atlanta too.

[B]

No beef, no beef.

[A]

Beef, no beef. Okay.

[B]

I don't need you there is coming after me bank head bouncing. Since 2019, I've been in no contact with my Father. My parents were married until my mother's death in 2011, and my father has been a raging, abusive piece of shit my whole life. I am the scapegoat of my family, and my brother is the golden child. My parents pulled narcissistic stunts with both of us, and I'm the. And I'm the one that made it out. My brother's 45, still his golden child role, and is so loyal to my father that he acts like everything is a misunderstanding. Last month, the family attempted to ambush me to talk to my father. I found out about it ahead of time, but agreed to meet with them because my brother and dad did a smear campaign on both sides of my family. And now everyone thinks I'm an ungrateful, mentally ill, spoiled, rotten child.

[A]

Oh, Lord.

[B]

Mind you, I have not asked my father for any financial support for years because he lied to me about his finances and refused to help me with my tuition. As anyone could have guessed, the meeting went to hell and my aunt, godmother, brother, uncle, and dad verbally assaulted me at Hattie B's. Damn.

[A]

Not at the Hattie B's.

[B]

And disrupted everyone in the restaurant. I sat there, looked at everyone in my family being a psychotic fool and listened to old narratives about how I'm not ladylike and everyone hates me and is offended by everything I do. I escaped after two hours of the BS and stopped talking to all of them. Them. I'm still in touch with extended family members like my second and third cousins and great aunts and uncles. My immediate family does not spread these lies about me to the extended family because they know they would look crazy. How do I maintain no contact with my father without being stalked by other family members, other members of my family? Did your father collect family members to come terrorize you? I don't talk to anyone, but they won't leave me alone. They'll get their old asses in the car and drive five hours to Atlanta to follow me around the city. What kind of insanity? I just want all of them to stop contacting me and leave me the fuck alone. That meeting in January caused a CPTSD episode so bad that I was almost hospitalized, which is why I went. No contact with everyone.

[A]

Smart.

[B]

I do have a therapist and psychiatrist, but would love to hear your point of view. Thank you, Spliffstar Jones.

[A]

Okay. Very glad to hear that you have a therapist and psychiatrist. Um, I can see how that episode in January would have caused you immense, intense emotional distress.

[B]

What's cptsd?

[A]

Complex ptsd. Ah.

[B]

Oh, complex P. Okay.

[A]

Ptsd.

[B]

Okay, copy.

[A]

So it's when the traumatizing event occurs over and over and over again, as opposed to one time niggas driving to

[B]

your fucking city to follow you around.

[A]

Very weird.

[B]

My advice is not helpful, nor is it healthy. So keep going. Well.

[A]

Cause if you talking about blah, blah, blah, blah, then no.

[B]

Cause listen, I had a N run up. Listen, this nigga came to my in a bucket hat, okay? Trying to serve me eviction papers, okay? They weren't legal eviction papers.

[A]

Of course not. Because why would you be in a

[B]

bucket hat and a Windows 97, okay? And you know, I opened that door and I looked at that nigga and I said, you got approximately five seconds to get away from my doorstep or we are going to. I'm a pew pew. And that nigga ran down the stairs and out the door. And I feel like that is a way to get people the fuck away from me if there is no other way. Hmm.

[A]

Gosh.

[B]

I said not helpful or helpful. You did. I said it.

[A]

You did say it. And then we had that moment anyway, so cannot recommend that any less instead. I mean, it's effective, but not what I would recommend.

[B]

Good.

[A]

So you've stopped talking to everybody, but they are still. Like, the fact that they are following you around is so strange. Who has your location? Turn it off.

[B]

Turn that off.

[A]

Stop sharing location with your.

[B]

You gotta go back to what's her and Face's stepfather. Now you gotta put the tape over the shit because these niggas got some kind of tracking device.

[A]

Well, so it's possible you have something like that cut on, like, you know, sharing locations, stuff like that, whatever it may be. If you need to install cameras around your door so that you know who's coming and going, I would recommend that because you do have a valid reason here to be concerned. But did my father collect family members to come terrorize me? Fuck no.

[B]

That make it new better,

[A]

baby? Fuck no. Cause they would have got cussed out too.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And let me tell you something. I love my family. Genuinely do. I mean, normally when I say my family, I'm talking about my mama's side. My daddy's side of the family is fine. I just don't really. We're nowhere near as close, but not a single one of them has reached out to me to be like, why you don't talk to your daddy? Because you gonna get this work as well. Please don't fucking try me. We cool. And everything is chill and cool until you try to come and make behind some shit that's first of all, not really any of your damn business. And secondly, threatening the peace that I have had to the hard fought peace that I have won in my life. Nobody gets to threaten that.

[B]

Y' all don't. Y' all don't support me.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Like you don't support my livelihood.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And so if they think you're ungrateful, mentally ill, spoiled and rotten. A. You're not a child. You're 43.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But if they think all of those things, let me show you how mentally ill I am. Like, let me show you how ungrateful I am. Cause it can get real prayers down for all of you. Would you like a curse performed at this table? Like, I don't call me.

[A]

This is infuriating. Yeah, it is. I wanna fight for her. It is.

[B]

This is infuriating and inappropriate.

[A]

Right. So everybody who was at that meeting at Hattie B's cut off. Unfortunately, we're not speaking. Ain't no location sharing. And I know you said you're still in touch with extended family. If they're getting that information from extended family, then tell these second and third cousins, hey, auntie and my brother and all. They don't get to have nothing on me. And if they still sharing that information, then you getting cut off too.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When I say nothing's more important than my peace, I mean that shit. Everybody can go behind my peace, my safety.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You already have had a. It sounds like a lot of shit to heal from. A lot of growth that has needed to be done. So you've been healing from your father's rage and abuse. Yeah, the narcissism and all that shit. Nobody gets to threaten that.

[B]

And you don't have your mother anymore, which I'm really sorry to hear.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But it looks like you've invested a lot into yourself, your peace of mind. You're finishing up your PhD. That is hard.

[A]

Very smart.

[B]

Crystal and I both have a PhD.

[A]

We do.

[B]

We do. In higher education where we study policy for black and brown children and we

[A]

work with universities to do good things for children.

[B]

Exactly. And we worked really hard and we stayed up very late writing those dissertations.

[A]

It's very difficult for us to do that.

[B]

Exactly. So I know you are busting your ass. And then on top of that, you're also really intentional about your therapy. It looks like you're taking all the steps you need for yourself. Do not let these niggas, right. Come and interrupt your peace.

[A]

That's really what it is. They just cannot have that kind of access to you, baby. How do you maintain no contact with your father without being stalked? If I have to get the fucking law involved, if I have to go to court and get a piece of paper that says, stay the fuck away from me or you going to jail, that'll be what I do.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Jay said Latin, I'm Draco saying,

[B]

okay, get the fuck away from me. I'll get you away from me.

[A]

I have to get a restraining order. There's no step I won't take to protect my own peace.

[B]

And do you have chosen family that like to lean on in Hell city or otherwise? Or otherwise. Do you have. I hope you have chosen family to lean on, because your actual family or a portion of them, they're real fucking dickheads, man. And they don't deserve nice. And you are nice things. Yep. And they don't deserve you.

[A]

They keep contacting you. Block them niggas.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You went no contact and tried to stay, you know, civil or nice about it. By not blocking them, they clearly are abusing that privilege. It's time to block them. You calling me from unknown numbers. I'm going to get the law involved.

[B]

Mm. Yeah. Yes, you, Honor.

[A]

Leave me the fuck alone before I call them people. And you have real problems.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Mm.

[B]

I pray your peace.

[A]

Put that foot down. Put that foot down. And it's sad that it gets to this place, but sometimes it gets to this place. These people are simply not good for you or for your mental health.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

You were almost hospitalized, girl.

[B]

And they're still doing this shit, and

[A]

they still own it. Child. No. One thing about my father, when I told him about himself, he went away. And I have not heard from him since. I'll give him that. And energize.

[B]

Hypothetically, I've been threatening this nigga the whole time. Jay has. I have.

[A]

So Jay's like, I've never met your father, but I swear to God, he

[B]

ought not show up if you don't

[A]

want him to, and he won't. How could he even find me? With what.

[B]

There's always ways.

[A]

Not me. Not that nigga.

[B]

No, I don't.

[A]

I was about to take it. You get what we're saying? Take whatever precautions you need to take for yourself. But again, restraining orders and going down to the courthouse, that's a thing for a reason.

[B]

Also, no Jade.

[A]

No violence.

[B]

Well, you can threaten violence without. Actually, no, you can't.

[A]

That's illegal.

[B]

Is it?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

If you niggas do this, I will do this.

[A]

Yes, That's Okay.

[B]

But it's not illegal for you to show up at my motherfucking house.

[A]

That's also illegal. So let's call the law.

[B]

I. I just don't prefer them. You know what I mean?

[A]

No. So, I know you don't want to get the law involved, but this is the point of.

[B]

No, you might need to. You might need to.

[A]

This is the point.

[B]

And do not let their names to you affect you. You know who you are. You know who you not. And lean into it. Y' all think I'm mentally ill again? I will show you.

[A]

You ain't seen me better than I can tell you. Right?

[B]

You know what I mean? Like, play into that shit.

[A]

Spoiled, petulant, and ungrateful and all that. Let me show you ungrateful when I block all you niggas and give you my ass to kiss.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Let's see how you filled in.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When that process server, who not wearing a bugger hat, come knock on your door with very real paperwork.

[B]

We're looking for Reggie Washington.

[A]

You've been served.

[B]

You've been served.

[A]

Whoa. Take care of yourself, first and foremost, because these people. Not gonna do.

[B]

They're not.

[A]

Congratulations on your PhD.

[B]

We also have ours.

[A]

Like we said. Gang, gang.

[B]

We worked so hard, so hard.

[A]

Kia has a PhD. So many people we know have PhDs

[B]

by proxy, but that's fine.

[A]

Well, you know. You know, same way Jade has a master's degree.

[B]

I have so many degrees.

[A]

What? Jade has, like, 8 degrees. Yeah.

[B]

Because whatever these niggas got, I got. I was there the whole time.

[A]

But good luck moving forward. And in healing from these absolutely ridiculous people.

[B]

We really pray your peace.

[A]

Yes, indeed. All right, that is gonna wrap up this week's episode of Chris's Couch. Jade, thank you again, my sister, for being here.

[B]

How did the young people do it?

[A]

Oh, God. Oh, yeah. You know, you almost had it.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

And then you decided to do Gang Sign, so that's nice. You're welcome. Tell them where they can find you, Jade.

[B]

Of all jades. It's, you know, wonderful. Thank you for loving me and receiving me on this platform.

[A]

They do.

[B]

I love you all, too. Don't take anything I say personally. You know, sometimes I can't stop my reactions when I'm in the middle of seeing them, so.

[A]

And then she'll blame it on the autism that she is, sure she has, but hasn't been diagnosed with. And on that note, that is it for this week's episode of Chrysalis Couch. Our website is chrysaliscouch. Dot com. Follow us online at chrysaliscouch, and if you have a question for me, send me an email. Email advice at crystalscouch. Com. We'll see you next week.