Session 20 ft. Scottie Beam

Summary

Crissle’s Couch, Session 20 ft. Scottie Beam

March 24, 2026 | CAKE MEDIA

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Episode Overview

In this engaging and laughter-filled episode, Crissle welcomes longtime media voice Scottie Beam to the couch for a deeply authentic conversation full of tough love, humor, and generous advice. Together, they tackle listener letters spanning thorny relationship issues, workplace dilemmas, struggles with codependency and ADHD, and familial rifts over values. Effortlessly blending lived experience with cultural critique, the duo creates a supportive and honest space for listeners to feel heard, challenged, and maybe a little healed.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introduction & Guest Welcome

[01:59 – 03:26]

• Crissle introduces Scottie Beam: writer, media personality, famed from Black Girl Podcast and The Scottie & Sylvia Show.
• Emphasis on Scottie’s honesty around love, growth, and showing up authentically as a Black woman.
• Hinting at the energetic dynamic to come: “She’s got a lot to say, so she’s gonna be perfect for this.” (Crissle, 03:14)

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2. Listener Letter #1: “Was I Being Selfish in My Relationship?”

[03:30 – 15:30]
Letter Summary:

• K, a 30-year-old Black woman, moved to Baltimore, dated a seemingly perfect man she met on Hinge shortly after losing her father.
• The man repeatedly cancels plans, including on Valentine’s Day, then blames her for not caring when he claimed to be “stuck in New York.”
• She’s heartbroken but wonders if she was selfish.

Discussion & Advice:

• Red flags: Frequent cancellations and lack of communication.
• Crissle: “That just seems very weird to me, especially on Valentine’s day. ...You cared a lot more. It sounds like he checked more of your boxes than you did of his.” (09:45, 12:34)
• Scottie: Cautions against apologizing for “not actively caring,” and challenges the idea that K “found everything she wanted in a man”:

  “You did not. That wasn’t your man. ... In your list you have 'considerate' in there, and that man is not considerate.” (10:48, 10:57)

• Both agree the guy was looking for an “out,” and K deserves better.
• Memorable moment:

  “Don’t you ever apologize ever again. I would grab you through that camera...” (Scottie Beam, 10:36)

• Advice to move on, trust one’s instincts, and not settle for inconsiderate behavior, even when lonely or grieving.

Notable Quotes:

• “Sometimes we want something to mean more because we’re hurting.” (Crissle, 15:30)
• “Take height off, put ‘considerate of me and my time’ on your list.” (Crissle, 19:26)

Timestamps:

• Letter Reading: 03:30 – 08:32
• Discussion/Advice: 08:47 – 15:52

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3. Listener Letter #2: “I Hate My Coworker”

[24:42 – 36:16]
Letter Summary:

• Stormi, an employee frustrated with a new coworker (“fake sweet,” not competent at her job, constantly stirs workplace drama, plays the victim).
• The coworker is a white woman; Stormi feels stuck cleaning up her mess, wants guidance on how to detach and set boundaries.

Discussion & Advice:

• Recognition of white privilege at play in workplace dynamics.
• Crissle expresses empathy (“I kind of feel bad for people who are trying too hard...”), but both ultimately agree:

  “You really gotta pick a struggle. You can’t have personality issues and work performance issues.” (Crissle, 29:32)

• Scottie strongly advocates for “snitching” and keeping a professional paper trail:

  “You have to snitch…Start writing them emails.” (Scottie Beam, 31:03 – 31:08)

• Emphasis on prioritizing professionalism and self-protection over camaraderie.
• Sidebar: Hilarious detour as Scottie recalls being escorted out of her teenage job for cussing out a manager (34:21 – 35:18).

Notable Quotes:

• “This is not America’s next top best friend.” (Crissle, 33:54)
• “Is she a Nepo baby? Is it big tittyism? Girl, some favoritism is at work.” (Crissle & Scottie, 36:18 – 36:31)
• “I have never seen a more single man than a married man.” (Scottie Beam, 18:02)

Timestamps:

• Letter Reading: 24:42 – 27:34
• Discussion/Advice: 27:34 – 36:16

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4. Listener Letter #3: “I’ve Never Really Been Single”

[37:06 – 52:09]
Letter Summary:

• Paris, 38, has only ever been in consecutive long-term relationships since 18, most recently a 15-year one.
• Reports of codependency, pedestalizing partners, recently diagnosed ADHD fueling harsh self-critique.
• Feels pressure to use newfound singledom “productively,” but lacks direction and self-knowledge.

Discussion & Advice:

• Crissle normalizes how ADHD can exacerbate self-doubt and difficulties with consistency, sharing her own experience.
• Both suggest Paris reframe internal dialogue, journal her inner critic’s voice (“journal it then crumple it up and throw it away”), and cultivate gentleness with herself.
• Scottie Beam:

  “You have to work on how you talk to yourself…Stop talking about my friend like that!” (42:21, 43:13) “You get to be yourself now. That might not feel so fun, but you learn to love yourself.” (46:53)

• Both encourage redefining what “winning” means (e.g. nurturing friendships, small solo accomplishments), resisting societal and familial pressure to prove productivity.
• Medication and therapy openly discussed as tools.

Notable Quotes:

• “I have never loved myself more than when I’m single. I’m so sorry.” (Scottie Beam, 47:31)
• “Be a little bit more gentle with yourself. …Every day’s not going to be a win because you’re human.” (Crissle, 51:43)
• “You were always valuable. Even when you fail, you’re valuable.” (Scottie Beam, 50:11)

Timestamps:

• Letter Reading: 37:06 – 38:56
• Discussion/Advice: 38:56 – 52:09

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5. Listener Letter #4: “Outgrowing Family Over Values”

[52:18 – 67:42]
Letter Summary:

• Mikayla, from a West African family, has grown distant from a cousin/surrogate sister with deeply homophobic, right-leaning political views, and a disinterest in voting.
• Their once-solid relationship now strained by unbridgeable values.
• Mikayla seeks guidance on handling love for family vs. living her own truth, especially with community/family pressure to stay close.

Discussion & Advice:

• Both hosts affirm how uniquely hard this is for those from collectivist, immigrant backgrounds.
• Crissle highlights the pain and necessity of “reclassifying” certain relationships for one’s well-being:

  “You don’t have to throw your cousin away… But you also don’t have to pretend she’s your best friend.” (61:11)

• Scottie supports setting boundaries:

  “They gotta go. And I’m so sorry. …We don’t align.”

• They stress unlearning toxic family norms (“What happens in this house, stays in this house”), and encourage therapy, venting to friends, and choosing healthier chosen family.

Notable Quotes:

• “Sometimes the culture adds pressure you really shouldn’t have to deal with.” (Crissle, 65:59)
• “You get to be honest with yourself, if no one else, about how you really feel.” (Crissle, 61:44)

Timestamps:

• Letter Reading: 52:18 – 54:55
• Discussion/Advice: 54:55 – 67:42

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6. Closing Reflections & A Love Fest

[67:42 – 72:14]

• Scottie and Crissle recognize each other’s media contributions and reflect on the importance of unapologetic authenticity in the public eye.
• Scottie gives Crissle her flowers (“You are the blueprint.” [70:52]) and Crissle receives, admitting, “I’m working on accepting compliments instead of squirming.” (71:40)
• Scottie plugs her YouTube project “Hi, I’m Uninspired,” invites listeners to connect on socials.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On heartbreak and red flags:
  “You did not find everything you wanted in a man. That wasn’t your man.” — Scottie Beam (10:48)
• On white workplace privilege:
  “You really gotta pick a struggle. You can’t have personality issues and work performance issues.” — Crissle (29:32)
• On self-worth for serial monogamists:
  “You were always valuable. Even when you fail, you’re valuable.” — Scottie Beam (50:11)
• On growing distant from family:
  “You get to be honest with yourself, if no one else.” — Crissle (61:44)
• Scottie on confidence:
  “Don’t ever apologize ever again… I would grab you through that camera!” (10:36)
• Fun banter:
  “Do not let your man follow Scottie Beam. Please.” — Crissle (69:25) “I don't want your man, though.” — Scottie Beam (69:32)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:30 – 15:52] Listener Letter #1: Relationship heartbreak and self-worth
• [24:42 – 36:16] Listener Letter #2: Workplace drama and “snitching” professionally
• [37:06 – 52:09] Listener Letter #3: Serial relationships, ADHD, and self-discovery
• [52:18 – 67:42] Listener Letter #4: Outgrowing family over values and setting boundaries
• [67:42 – 72:14] Closing mutual affirmation and guest plugs

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Language & Tone

Crissle and Scottie keep it real, candid, unapologetically Black, and compassionately blunt, mixing deep wisdom with signature humor. Listeners can expect genuine advice, plenty of sidebars, laughter, swear words, cultural context, and honesty that’s as gentle as it is tough.

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For more from Scottie Beam, follow her at @ScottieBeam and check out “Hi, I’m Uninspired” on YouTube.

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Crissle’s Couch: Come for the advice; stay for the comradery, care, and a little bit of healing.

Transcript

[Crystal]

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[Crystal]

Hi and welcome back to Chrysalis Couch, the show where I answer your letters for advice and talk to the most interesting people in the world. Today I am joined by Scottie Beam. She is a writer, media personality and Longtime voice in the podcast and radio world. You know her from Black Girl Podcast. Okay. Throwback. She's been in the game for a while. Okay. The Scottie and Sylvia show, her interview series. Hi. I'm uninspired, which is so great. Make sure you go check that out. All of her other work in radio and digital media, or maybe just from the way that she consistently shows up online, speaking honestly about culture and identity and what it means to navigate the world as a black woman. She's so cute. I cannot believe. And beyond the resume, Scottie is someone who is not afraid to talk about love, growth, healing, figuring yourself out in real time. So she is perfect for this show. Please welcome Scotty. Yes. Yes.

[Scottie Beam]

I'm so happy to be with you. First of all, you know you are no, girl.

[Crystal]

You're my one. You're my one. Okay. I don't play about you when we talk about you.

[Scottie Beam]

When we talk about foundation.

[Crystal]

I don't play about you.

[Scottie Beam]

I don't play about you.

[Crystal]

It was such an honor to have you be on the show today. I'm excited. I said, oh, I know. Scottie is full of opinions. Good job. She's got a lot to say, so she's gonna be perfect for this.

[Scottie Beam]

I'm gonna do my best.

[Crystal]

Okay, girl, you ready to dive into the.

[Scottie Beam]

I am.

[Crystal]

All right, who's up first?

[Scottie Beam]

This is from K. Okay. She said, I'm a 30 year old black woman who relocated to Baltimore from six months. Oh, about six months ago. And even though I told myself I would wait to date until about a year after being here, I got lonely and downloaded Hinge.

[Crystal]

Uh, oh, well, sis.

[Scottie Beam]

Scotty said we can stop and we can stop right there, but she keeps going. In early December, I matched with a black with multiple degrees and a great job who stood on the right side of history and aligned with all of my very progressive beliefs. Since that day. Since that day was exactly two months after my father passed, I believe that he was maybe sent to me to help ease my grief. For two and a half months, we got to know each other. He made me laugh harder than any man has before and handed me with a care that I always wanted. He aligned on our morals, what we wanted for the future, and even our culinary choices. I thought I had maybe found the one, and even my mom thought so. However, he did have a habit of canceling dates. Hey, girl. He usually gave me reasons that I could understand, so I chose to overlook it. And even though it frustrated me, I brought it up with him once. And his response Was that maybe we should slow down. So we did. I saw him even less, but we would FaceTime almost every night, so I felt like I was getting quality time. Fast forward to Valentine's Day. I hadn't heard from him except for a good morning text and I called a couple times with no answer. Around 1:30 he texted me that he saw my calls. And okay, we're gonna keep going.

[Crystal]

Yes, he saw the calls but had

[Scottie Beam]

been with a friend all morning and I told him that I wanted to know what our plans were for the night.

[Crystal]

Did he?

[Scottie Beam]

Okay. He told me we would have to reschedule without an explanation at first and then he said that he was stuck in New York. Mind you, he lives in Baltimore and hadn't even told to me that he was going to New York on Valentine's Day. It takes a few hours to get there, so even if he decided to go last minute, he still had plenty of time to give me a heads up, period. He sent me a picture of him and his friend in a car so I figured he wasn't actually stuck and told him to be safe. I didn't text him for the rest of the day because I was too in my feelings over him canceling on me yet again.

[Crystal]

Understandable.

[Scottie Beam]

He let me know when he got home around 1am I told him welcome home and then went to bed. You better than me, girl. The next day he told me he was upset with me, my behavior and our lack of communication during the day. Lord, he felt that this is triggering me.

[Crystal]

Oh Lord.

[Scottie Beam]

He felt that I didn't care about his well being when he said he was stuck in another state. Nigga, I mm k girl, okay, you pissing me off fresh. I apologized. I apologized for not actively caring. But I also told him that I was hurt because of the pattern of him canceling on me and his decision to go out of town with no notice. Yeah, he didn't acknowledge this.

[Crystal]

Crystal, girl, it's real life.

[Scottie Beam]

Instead, he apologized for for being the antecedent to my hurt.

[Crystal]

Okay, college nigga. Antecedent.

[Scottie Beam]

You fucking with a nigga that you antecedent. But that's okay. But we were done because I doubled down on putting my feelings over his well being. I was heartbroken and spent two days crying. I still think about him throughout my day.

[Crystal]

Mm.

[Scottie Beam]

Do you think I was being selfish? A few of my friends, even my mom, thinks he might have had someone else and was and was just looking for an out with me. I genuinely don't think so. But men are men. So anything Is possible. I don't know what to think of this situation, but I am heartbroken because I found everything I wanted in a man aside from height. But short kings need love, too.

[Crystal]

And they do, and they do and they listen. Let me shut up about it.

[Scottie Beam]

I would love to hear your opinion. Thank you for everything you do. K you go ahead, Chrissy.

[Crystal]

Scottie, go ahead. Scottie was irate.

[Scottie Beam]

I'm sorry. I had to take a few breaks

[Crystal]

throughout this whole letter. She was. What am I? Is okay. Well, I mean. Okay. Kay, girl. So do I think you were being selfish? I have to say no. You were dating this man for a few months. It seems like y' all either implied or explicitly made plans for Valentine's Day. That's what I was trying to figure out. Him deciding to, you know, head to New York with his friend the day of and then be like, oh, I'm stuck and I'm not gonna make it back. That just seems very weird to me, especially on Valentine's Day. Like, it seems to me that you would wanna spend that day with somebody that you really like, you've been vibing with for weeks. Yes. Like, that just makes sense to me. I don't see anything selfish about that. And talks to him for what? He wasn't stuck. He wasn't, like, stranded on the side of the road. He didn't ask you to call aaa.

[Scottie Beam]

And what the hell was you supposed to do, right? What was you supposed to do, right? If he was with. If it's two, I'm assuming he took a picture and it's two men in the car, right?

[Crystal]

What?

[Scottie Beam]

I don't maybe, like, a messed up wheel. How am I supposed to fix the wheel?

[Crystal]

Right? Right.

[Scottie Beam]

That's the problem. I don't really understand what she was supposed to do and how she was supposed to care for you. And that nigga just wanted an out.

[Crystal]

I, you know, I agree.

[Scottie Beam]

He wanted out. I think so.

[Crystal]

I think he was looking for an out. Yes. I think Scottie's right. And your mama and some of your friends, I think, were all right about that. Yes, they were. That he was just looking for a reason. And the fact that you didn't fall all over yourself to text him and FaceTime and, oh, what are you doing? Blah, blah, blah. The fact that you went off to yourself and tended to your feelings, I think he was like, oh, yeah, I'm gonna just use this. Even though that makes zero sense.

[Scottie Beam]

And don't you ever apologize ever again. I mean, I almost. I would grab you through that camera

[Crystal]

Cause what you mean you apologize for not actively caring.

[Scottie Beam]

Right?

[Crystal]

What?

[Scottie Beam]

And you know what I know? In here, in the letter, you said that, um. You said that you found everything that you want in a man. You did not.

[Crystal]

Damn.

[Scottie Beam]

That wasn't your man. Damn. You know what I'm saying? And I know that in your list, you have considerate in there, and that man is not considerate.

[Crystal]

Right.

[Scottie Beam]

Okay, so you did not find everything.

[Crystal]

You will. Right.

[Scottie Beam]

But this man ain't it. We need to move on. And I know you're heartbroken.

[Crystal]

Yeah, I get it. Because when you meet somebody and it feels so instant and like, oh, my God, this is aligned, you know, it's hard not to get your hopes up. And your dad had just died. You met him two months after that. So you like, my daddy is sending me a man. Like, you told yourself these stories, and it seemed really good in your mind, but I actually think when he had the. Initially when y' all met, and it was like, we're getting to know each other, but he has a habit of canceling dates. That was actually your very first sign. And then when you brought it up and he said, well, maybe we should slow down, instead of, maybe I should be more intentional about scheduling time with you and not doing it when something else might come up. Cause it sounds like any damn thing might just come up. And he's like, oh, I'mma cancel my plans with K. Exactly.

[Scottie Beam]

You're the first to be canceled. Right? Right. You can't cancel anything else. But you are the easy one to cancel. And that's the problem. He didn't even want. Right. Like you said, he didn't even want to sit down and say, how can I make this work and keep K's, you know, plans in place?

[Crystal]

Right?

[Scottie Beam]

Or even move the time around a little bit. Yeah, but canceling altogether, girl.

[Crystal]

And he had a habit of that. Which means anytime his homeboy is like, hey, you wanna go to the strip club? Or whatever, he's like, yeah, I was supposed to go out with this girl, but whatever.

[Scottie Beam]

Right?

[Crystal]

You cared a lot more. It sounds like he checked more of your boxes than you did of his. But I think you had a couple of opportunities here where it was clear that you two were not on the same page, but you still wanted to believe the best. Because it's pretty rare to find a black man with progressive values and multiple

[Scottie Beam]

degrees who use antecedent. I know that you ain't gonna find a nigga just anywhere using antecedent.

[Crystal]

And the antecedent to your hurt Is kinda like. I mean, there's a better way to word that. I feel like you just wanted to use that word.

[Scottie Beam]

Absolutely.

[Crystal]

The nigga went to a therapist one time. Callous is a better word than antecedent in that specific phrase. But I absolutely don't think you were being selfish. I think this man was just not as into you as you were into him. And that's unfortunate, but it does happen. It's part of dating. It doesn't even necessarily mean that he is a bad person. But he was clearly not aligned with you in the way that you were with him. And then to. What makes me think he might be a bad person is the fact that he turned it around on her. The next day after Valentine's Day was like, so I'm just very upset with you and your behavior. I didn't even have no behavior. Nigga. You woke up on Valentine's morning and decided to go off to New York City with your homeboy.

[Scottie Beam]

Right.

[Crystal]

And then hit me up at 1:30pm talking about you stuck in the city. But you don't get home till 1am it don't take 12 hours to get from New York to Baltimore. It don't. Three, four at the most.

[Scottie Beam]

So he knew exactly what he was doing. He was waiting for you to slip up. And that wasn't even a slip up. I think he was really. I mean, he's stretching it at this point. He's reaching.

[Crystal]

Right.

[Scottie Beam]

But for sure he wanted a way out because he was in New York. He was having a good time. Probably in Brooklyn.

[Crystal]

Probably in Brooklyn with some other girls.

[Scottie Beam]

He was Erzoule over there. In another girl face.

[Crystal]

Yep.

[Scottie Beam]

And he still wanted you to care, though.

[Crystal]

Yeah.

[Scottie Beam]

Or be upset or he wanted you to like, just something.

[Crystal]

He wanted the reaction. Yes.

[Scottie Beam]

And you didn't give it to him.

[Crystal]

So kudos to you, girl. And that's good for you. Yes. Because he wasn't. This man was not worth a reaction from you at all. Very honestly, I don't think he was. He took that Valentine's Day ghost. Not even ghosting, but this whole, you know, just canceling plans on what is the quote, unquote, most romantic day of the year. That was always gonna be his way, I think, of exiting this situation. So I'm very sorry. It sucks to be heartbroken on top of grieving. Cause it's like, damn. Especially because, again, you had given this connection a lot more meaning in your head than what it necessarily needed to be. But it's understandable why you did that.

[Scottie Beam]

Get your ass off hinge, from what I hear from the girls, because I tried to make a hinge crystal.

[Crystal]

And they did.

[Scottie Beam]

You did cut it.

[Crystal]

No, what your friends did.

[Scottie Beam]

No. Somebody, like, they kept saying that Scottie wouldn't have a hinge. So niggas was reporting it.

[Crystal]

No, they were like, oh, this is fake. Yes. This is a Cassie. And I said, wow, you got it.

[Scottie Beam]

You got it. You right. I shouldn't be on there.

[Crystal]

Scottie Beems, she's on site.

[Scottie Beam]

First of all, she's famous and ain't nothing on there.

[Crystal]

Oh, it is n. Thank you. Cause Justin Fratt came and did this show and he was like, I be finding stuff on Riot. I'm like, all I get is white men.

[Scottie Beam]

And I was just about to say,

[Crystal]

it depends on the Dockers.

[Scottie Beam]

I ain't dating no white man. Respectfully.

[Crystal]

Respectfully. I'm just. Respectfully. That's not really.

[Scottie Beam]

Not really my thing.

[Crystal]

I've just never really found myself to be extremely attracted. But even if I did, like, I'm not seeing the people that I normally go for. My normal dating partner. Right.

[Scottie Beam]

If I'm gonna date a white man, it's gonna have to be Charlie Hunnam situation, you know? You know, what's the other guy? Oh, Brad Pitt.

[Crystal]

Not Brad Pitt.

[Scottie Beam]

I mean, just the look.

[Crystal]

That man is like 60. Yeah, yeah.

[Scottie Beam]

What about it?

[Crystal]

OK. All right. No, he was fine as hell when he was younger. You know, who my hell now is he? I haven't seen him in a while. My mama used to really have a Crush on Matthew McConaughey. She thought Matthew McConaughey was so fine.

[Scottie Beam]

I'm not against it. Him and that Lincoln. I see you. I see you.

[Crystal]

Right? Let me. Shut up. Damn. So they got your head?

[Scottie Beam]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's done. So I never looked back. I said, you know what? You right. I'm not supposed to be on there. But for my friends who are on hinge, it is very hard for them to find somebody on there. So I would just say go outside, too. You just moved there, right? You know, go to the parties.

[Crystal]

It's a lot of niggas in Baltimore.

[Scottie Beam]

It's a lot of niggas in Baltimore and go to dc.

[Crystal]

I heard it's right there, right?

[Scottie Beam]

I heard them. They be out there.

[Crystal]

If you looking for a black man with a degree and a college, good job, they are in DC Now.

[Scottie Beam]

I heard they over there with the suit and ties. If that's what you into, head over there now.

[Crystal]

98% of them are already Married or gay and married. But the other 2% are there and waiting for you. I'm not telling you what I heard. They are. They are.

[Scottie Beam]

There's a straight man there that's.

[Crystal]

Like I said, it's 2%.

[Scottie Beam]

2%. And find your 2% that's not married

[Crystal]

or gay and they there waiting for

[Scottie Beam]

you to say the singlest men are the married. So please, if they seem really single, they are married for sure. For I have never seen a more single man than a married man.

[Crystal]

You know what it is? It's the way they will so aggressively pursue you. It's like, I honestly thought you had all the time in the world to date. Whole time. You got a wife and two and a half children and a dog at home. How can this be?

[Scottie Beam]

I don't know. I don't know if the wife is over it and just like, do whatever you want to do. I don't care at this point. Fighting these battles and that demon in the house forever. But they just act like they don't care if I'll screenshot it and show it. They don't care.

[Crystal]

They don't.

[Scottie Beam]

They don't. They don't care in person. They don't care. They don't care. I get nervous.

[Crystal]

That is terrifying.

[Scottie Beam]

I don't.

[Crystal]

You know, the audacity is something that escapes me. I really don't know where men come up with the nerve to do the shit that they do. But regardless of if it's apps or in person, you deserve to take some time, you know, sort through your feelings, feel the hurt, and then get right back out there. You thought this guy was great, and now you have something to go back and say, okay, maybe consider it wasn't on your list. So maybe you're like, you know what? I thought let's go. And we could take height off and put considerative me and my time.

[Scottie Beam]

Take height off. Take height off. Because the short kings.

[Crystal]

I'm not. I'm not mad at it, but I'm shocked to hear you say that. Cause most of my straight friends are like, no. Cause short men just as bad as tall men. Except even more insecure. You know what, Crystal?

[Scottie Beam]

Let me shut the fuck up about it then.

[Crystal]

Oh, Lord, let me shut up.

[Scottie Beam]

Cause he was.

[Crystal]

He was a good man.

[Scottie Beam]

Yeah, Savannah, he was good. He just a little couldn't take it. Yeah, it was tough.

[Crystal]

Well, it might have been because you're Scottie Beam, you know, you are this bright star, and it's hard for a lot of men. It really is hard for a lot of men to be with a woman who is so prominent and like, you are, you know, like you're a recognizable public figure. You getting recognized, people coming up to you, oh, my God, Scottie B. And then handing him they phone like he. Like the fuck. Yeah.

[Scottie Beam]

I mean, but that's my whole. That's been my whole life. Yeah. You know, but, like, what am I supposed to do?

[Crystal]

You supposed to find somebody who is secure in themselves no matter what you got going on. And that can be hard. That can be hard. Shout out to the straights, y'. All. Really, it is an uphill battle for y'. All. The edges are gone.

[Scottie Beam]

And so we still push through, though.

[Crystal]

Yes. Mi gente k. We are wishing you the best of luck. Okay. Yes.

[Scottie Beam]

Love you.

[Crystal]

Down.

[Scottie Beam]

Don't ever do that again now.

[Crystal]

All right, who's next?

[Scottie Beam]

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[Crystal]

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[Crystal]

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[Scottie Beam]

goes hey Creswell, I hate my co worker.

[Crystal]

Nice period.

[Scottie Beam]

I've tried to let it go, but it's been two years and the feeling has not changed. When she joined our team, we took her to the usual welcome lunch. At the lunch, she told us, unprompted, that she burned a lot of bridges at her last job and had a Reputation of being such a bitch. She came in trying to rewrite her story and get a fresh start, which is fine, but she was trying way too hard and I decided to keep my distance. I'm cordial, but I don't fuck with this girl. When she realized she couldn't win me over, she tried to turn the team against me, which didn't work. Then she pivoted into this fake sweet I'm just trying to be nice Persona. Like I wasn't. Like I was supposed to forget everything she had already shown me. Over time, I realized she's in a secret competition with me. I come to work, do my job and look for opportunities to grow so I can eventually get promoted. Meanwhile, she's watching my every move. She's watching my every move like it's a race I didn't sign up for. She's not resourceful, she doesn't retain information and she asks for help in the most irritating, performative ways. It's not even that I dislike her, I just don't respect her. And she has zero self awareness. A year ago I tried to pull her coattail about something small and she is a white woman. This is a white woman. I'm so sorry, I have to stop. This is a white woman. She got instantly defensive, right? That was the moment I said, okay girl, whatever, sink or swim. Since then she's been doing this thing where she messes something up, panics, and then runs to other people to vent about how she's the victim and everyone is sabotaging her.

[Crystal]

Oh Lord.

[Scottie Beam]

She nitpicks nonsense and refuses to see that she is the root of the problem. Recently she completely fumbled a huge project and now I'm stressed and overwhelmed because she could have asked me for help but she chose not to. She would rather fail than admit she doesn't know what she's doing. I need advice on how to move forward. I want her fired, but my job seems content to give her enough rope to hang herself. I keep telling myself, if they don't give a damn, I don't give a fuck. But the truth is, I still do. How do I detach when her mess keeps landing on my desk? Thanks, Stormi.

[Crystal]

Oh, Stormi, I think you're right. So I just love this because when we were doing the pre read through she was like, this is a white woman. This is a white woman.

[Scottie Beam]

That's a white woman.

[Crystal]

This is a biracial woman with a white mother.

[Scottie Beam]

A white woman.

[Crystal]

And I was like, is that important context?

[Scottie Beam]

Yes, it's very important.

[Crystal]

Context. Scotty said, absolutely. Because. And now that you said it, I'm like, perhaps so. Because who else would act like this in the workplace?

[Scottie Beam]

Who has the privilege to act like this in the workplace? You?

[Crystal]

Yeah. So at first, I kind of felt bad for her. Cause it's like, I don't know why at a lunch with your new co workers, you would say, I have a reputation for being a bitch.

[Scottie Beam]

That's insane.

[Crystal]

That seems like a really bad idea. Like, why would you say that? That might put me off a little too. But I also kind of feel bad for people who are trying too hard because I. Your face. Because I know that what they're really looking for is, like, acceptance. And even I just. I just have empathy for people who are trying too hard. Cause it's like, damn, you really want to fit in. Like, you really want to.

[Scottie Beam]

Well, how does that give me the outline of how that works out? Right, Right. Where you tell your co workers, woo. I just came from this other job and they hated my guts. But I'm here to tell y' all I'm cool. I'm just a bitch sometimes.

[Crystal]

Yeah. I feel like that's gonna immediately put everybody on. Like, okay, nice to meet you too. I have the gyoza. Like, what? Why are you.

[Scottie Beam]

Or maybe she was waiting for somebody. Yeah, we're all bitches.

[Crystal]

Yeah. Like, we're not. No, no.

[Scottie Beam]

So people overshare too much.

[Crystal]

Yes. And it's like, it was. Some people are just awkward. And so it's like, if that had been the one time that something weird had happened, then. Okay.

[Scottie Beam]

Right.

[Crystal]

But you said she is also not good at her job, so. See, now we have a problem. You really gotta pick a struggle. You can't have personality issues and work performance issues. Like, that's not going to work for me. So I think at this point, you have to. If I'm confused, tell on her.

[Scottie Beam]

Well, snitch.

[Crystal]

I'm confused about how her fumbling a huge project is reflecting negatively on Stormy. Like, how is that really your problem?

[Scottie Beam]

Right. Well, I think she said it falls on her desk, so she maybe has to clean up whatever mess homegirl is doing.

[Crystal]

Got you. Okay.

[Scottie Beam]

And so if that's the case.

[Crystal]

Yes.

[Scottie Beam]

Snitching.

[Crystal]

Yes. She's correct.

[Scottie Beam]

And I'm for it. I'm gonna tell on you. Because ain't nobody gonna look at me like, I'm not doing my job.

[Crystal]

Yeah.

[Scottie Beam]

And on top of that, you're not even a personality hire. Like, you're not even fun.

[Crystal]

Right.

[Scottie Beam]

You're having a Good time.

[Crystal]

Right.

[Scottie Beam]

I would either. I would look out for the fun girls, too. Like, you know, I love a fun girl. I'm the fun girl. You know what I'm saying? A fun girl. But you're not doing anything. You're just crying all around the office, right? Absolutely not. Homegirl.

[Crystal]

Yeah. Talking about, you know, excuse me. She was. When she realized she couldn't win you over, she tried to turn other people against you. That's very weird.

[Scottie Beam]

Very weird. And get that paper trail going. Start writing them emails.

[Crystal]

Oh, you.

[Scottie Beam]

What's the status?

[Crystal]

You have experience?

[Scottie Beam]

Oh, oh, yes. Very much so. But yes, I love it. What's the status of this project?

[Crystal]

Right.

[Scottie Beam]

Cause I need everybody to see that it's not me. Especially if we're working on. If we're working on the same project or something. And I'm pulling my weight.

[Crystal]

Right.

[Scottie Beam]

And I gotta pull yours, too. I need everybody to know that.

[Crystal]

Yeah.

[Scottie Beam]

I'm not playing that game.

[Crystal]

Yeah. So I think the best way to sort of detach from how much you dislike this person. Cause you said it's been two years.

[Scottie Beam]

Yes.

[Crystal]

Your feelings have not changed. You want her fired?

[Scottie Beam]

Still employed.

[Crystal]

This is what I'm saying. Is she friends with higher ups?

[Scottie Beam]

Gotta be.

[Crystal]

Did somebody get her this job? Maybe. Is she a Nepo baby somehow, somewhere? Or has the rest of the team been covering for all of her mistakes? So nobody really knows how much of a flop she is.

[Scottie Beam]

Exactly.

[Crystal]

And in that case, Scottie's right. You have to. I would keep it very professional as far as like such and such was done. I submitted this. Da, da, da, like, very much. These are the facts.

[Scottie Beam]

That's all you need.

[Crystal]

I can't stand that bitch. Please, Stormi, don't do that. Please.

[Scottie Beam]

Nothing like this that we've read, but yes, for sure.

[Crystal]

Clean it up, Clean it up, clean it up.

[Scottie Beam]

Make sure you have that paper trail and. And snitch. Yeah.

[Crystal]

Cause you don't have the. You don't have the power to fire her, but you do have the power to protect yourself. And I might let a lot of shit slide. I don't have to like you as a co worker. I really, really do not have to like you as a co worker. You know what I have to do as a co worker? Come in here and execute my job so that them people run me my money on time as scheduled in this economy, literally.

[Scottie Beam]

You're not playing with your niggas.

[Crystal]

I'm not playing with nobody when it comes to work. I will go and I can hate you and go in and execute my job to the fullest of my abilities with a smile on my face. Whatever I need to do to stay employed, absolutely, I'm gonna do that. But I'm also not going to go even one inch out of my way to help protect your ass. That's what I'm not gonna do. Is she pretty? Is she biracial? Pretty girl where all the men are like, falling all over themselves to do whatever they can for her. If it's something like that, you might be. You might be on your own. Hate to tell you, she got big titties and she wear a lot of V necks.

[Scottie Beam]

Yeah, them titties be the one, girl. Especially if them bosses is white men. They love titties.

[Crystal]

Love titties for sure.

[Scottie Beam]

Yeah. So I. You might be taking that l as far as that.

[Crystal]

Yeah.

[Scottie Beam]

But snitch anyway.

[Crystal]

Yeah. Who knows? Do your best snitch when it's appropriate and continuously remind yourself that you are here to do a job. This is not America's next top best friend. You've said that yourself. Like, I can be cordial. Okay, so we just gonna be cordial. A lot of us have jobs where we don't like one or multiple people at that workplace. I can't think of a single job I've ever had where I liked everybody

[Scottie Beam]

in that office as somebody who's been escorted out of a job. Wait, this is when I was a high schooler.

[Crystal]

Oh, okay.

[Scottie Beam]

But still from that point, where was

[Crystal]

you working in high school that you got in? Western Shop Pretzels. A stop and shop.

[Scottie Beam]

And she tried it.

[Crystal]

You cussed out somebody at the shop?

[Scottie Beam]

The manager tried it.

[Crystal]

Oh, the. You cussed out the manager.

[Scottie Beam]

Ain't nobody supposed to work that hard

[Crystal]

for stop and shop, okay? Especially teenagers.

[Scottie Beam]

Relax.

[Crystal]

Right?

[Scottie Beam]

Everything is crazy. I got a sweet 16 to go to. I said give me the time.

[Crystal]

Oh, yeah.

[Scottie Beam]

And that wasn't that, was it?

[Crystal]

I'm a teenager. You're giving me the time off. I'm in high school. Be for real.

[Scottie Beam]

And I do my job when I come, I really do my job. But I needed that time off. And then I let that slide. And then my mom got into a car accident, and I had told them I couldn't come that day. She called me a liar. And that's when.

[Crystal]

Not behind my mama. You didn't. Yeah, I know you didn't stop by

[Scottie Beam]

to hear it face to face. I didn't even hear it clearly.

[Crystal]

Yeah.

[Scottie Beam]

Make sure at 5k if it here. And yeah, she said it again. And it Was probably.

[Crystal]

I'm gonna have to go ahead and escort you out of the stocking shop at that point.

[Scottie Beam]

Yeah, they don't work there no more though. I checked. You're crazy.

[Crystal]

Sky said perhaps. This was a very long time ago.

[Scottie Beam]

Very long time ago.

[Crystal]

I'm checking up on my mind. But I meant how to deal with life.

[Scottie Beam]

Right. Forever.

[Crystal]

But yeah, for sure. If you want to be with me, it is gonna be forever.

[Scottie Beam]

Forever. Shout out to the Libras.

[Crystal]

Good luck, Stormi. This is a tricky one. But sometimes you just gotta remind yourself I'm here to earn a paycheck and I'm not putting that in jeopardy for some dumb ass girl who can barely do her job. I'm not.

[Scottie Beam]

Eventually they'll see it.

[Crystal]

Eventually they will see it. Or you'll find somewhere else. One or the other. But you'll be all right.

[Scottie Beam]

Cause if she gets promoted, then we gotta promote.

[Crystal]

Oh yeah, if she gets promoted, then you know, then you know. It's some favoritism, nepotism, big tittyism going on. It's some big titty favor being curried for her and you need to go. Big tittyism.

[Scottie Beam]

Shout out to the big titty girl.

[Crystal]

It happens. It happens. They get you places?

[Scottie Beam]

Yeah, I mean, they take me somewhere.

[Crystal]

Somewhere. Yeah. Crystal. They take you. They do. They take. I just wish they were detachable. I really wish I could just take them off, put them on when I really wanna use em. Because when they're worth something, right. Otherwise, like, you know how much better it would be to go to bed. Like if you could just take these things off. Right? Just put them on the charger next to the phone. Yeah. Y' all be all right till the morning. I don't need y' all titties.

[Scottie Beam]

I would appreciate that as well. Yeah, you're right.

[Crystal]

Okay. All right, Scottie, who's next?

[Scottie Beam]

This is from Paris.

[Crystal]

Okay.

[Scottie Beam]

I love me in Paris.

[Crystal]

Same.

[Scottie Beam]

I'm 38 and since I was 18, I have been exclusively in long term relationships.

[Crystal]

Damn, girl.

[Scottie Beam]

One was 15 years. Damn.

[Crystal]

That's half your life.

[Scottie Beam]

God damn. Another was three years, another was about a year and a half. And none of them had more than a few months between them.

[Crystal]

Ooh, ooh. Uh, oh, Paris. I will ooh.

[Scottie Beam]

You and you asking the wrongest person.

[Crystal]

Oh no.

[Scottie Beam]

Cause I am the most alone. Ish. Okay. I will be honest in saying that I knew at the start of the last two that I needed to take some time to myself to figure things out. Needless to say that that did not Happen. And I fell hard both times. She's a Libra. I have an issue with putting my partners on a pedestal and seeing them as these perfect beings and me being nothing but flaws. Oh, baby. In the end, I'm always left feeling like I am the cause of all the problems. Now that I am single for the first time in almost 20 years, I am not sure who I am or where to start. All while feeling like, feeling the pressure to make use of this time that I am alone to be ultra productive. I was recently diagnosed with adhd, which does seem to exaggerate things.

[Crystal]

Yeah.

[Scottie Beam]

What is the best way to figure. What is the best way to figure who I am and what I want and need going forward? Thanks, Paris.

[Crystal]

Well, sometimes ADHD does indeed exaggerate some of our issues, especially with regards to being productive in the capitalist sense. It can be hard to get yourself motivated to do certain things, complete tasks. ADHDers love making a list of things they supposed to do and then never looking at it again or being like, oh, I got a great idea. And put a lot of energy and effort into the first part of no, you.

[Scottie Beam]

What's wrong with you?

[Crystal]

And you put so much energy and effort into it when the adrenaline and everything is right there and it's like, oh, yeah, something new. And then as soon as you hit a snag or it starts to get a little boring or something's a little tough, it goes onto the giant pile of ideas we once had that we will never ever follow through on. So you are not alone in this. Clearly. Clearly. Right. These are universal experiences. Your girls know about that, but wow, baby. 20 years of nothing but long term relationships since 18, I mean, that's literally the start of adulthood, you know, legally. So I think we gotta first go back to this 15 year relationship that started when you were 28. That means it ended when you were in your early 30s. That wasn't that long ago. You're only 38.

[Scottie Beam]

Yeah.

[Crystal]

I think maybe some real processing and thought and intention putting into these relationships is gonna be good for you. Not necessarily being super productive, but more like trying to zoom out. Cause you said when you look at stuff, all your partners seem perfect and you're just full of flaws and you're always the problem. So off. As soon as somebody says something like that, I know you're wrong. Yeah, because that's never the case. One person's never perfect. The other person is never just garbage. There's all. There's some sort of balance there. So I already know you're Being too hard on yourself sounds like ADHD as well.

[Scottie Beam]

When you did your research, how deep did we go?

[Crystal]

Well, I mean, you know, I've learned a lot about. Even though neurodivergence isn't something that's super covered in therapy school and grad school, I also have adhd. So I've done a lot of this reading for me to try to figure out. Like, I can't tell you how many times I Google adhd and something like how to motivate myself to do these things, how to even care about. I mean, basic shit like how to start cooking instead of ordering out four times a week, how to start going to the gym instead of pretending like getting on the train is all the exercise I need. You know, like, stuff like that. I'm constantly trying to turn little things into games and make things more fun for myself, to trick my brain into doing stuff, because that's how it works. So, again, another hallmark of ADHD is people being very, very hard on themselves and not really seeing. I mean, it's possible you have other stuff going on here.

[Scottie Beam]

But listen, as somebody who reading this was like a mirror kind of, because I do. I am so hard on myself. Seems like Paris is as well. But with that, I will say that she has to work on how you talk to yourself. I don't know how these men talk to you. I don't know how you guys communicated. But I do know that I had to fix how I looked at myself and how I talked to myself, even in my mind. Like, the ways that I would be so hard on myself. So much so that Sylvia, my friend, would say, stop talking. Like, Stop talking about my friend like that. That's crazy.

[Crystal]

Yes. Oh, that's a good one. Please shout out to Sylvia. That is a good one.

[Scottie Beam]

And so I would have to rethink a lot of the times, what. What is useful and what's a fact. And then the rest of the stuff has to go away. It just has to get thrown away. Like, I can't even. Sometimes I'll journal it and then crumple it up and throw it away. Because that's just the only way that I would get my mean. My mean feelings about myself out is throwing it in the garbage and seeing that visual and being like, okay, now let's deal with what's actually factual.

[Crystal]

Yes, but.

[Scottie Beam]

But stay out them relationships. I understand. Yeah, I get it. Yeah, we love it. We love to be in love. Especially, you know, I think she's a Libra.

[Crystal]

I really do think you're A Libra. You're like, I'm serious, you're a Libra.

[Scottie Beam]

But you love to be in love. But I just, I would just say you gotta sit there and focus on yourself. Do the best you can. And that is enough.

[Crystal]

Yeah.

[Scottie Beam]

You know, the best that you can is enough. Also look into getting medicated. I'm getting medicated soon. I'm working on it. Thinking, you know, looking through things and trying to see what works for me. I know the stigma of wanting just being medicated. Especially with black people. You're like, oh, you're for real crazy now. You're taking medication now. And I had to literally work on that for like a few years. Cause I was diagnosed six years ago. So I'm just now starting to really work on those things.

[Crystal]

Yeah, that's real. You take your time with stuff like that. We all grow up in a culture and especially with black people, we definitely do have this medicine, like, which is crazy. Cause all you niggas need to be on one pill or another. So.

[Scottie Beam]

Especially when it has to do with mental health.

[Crystal]

Yeah. Do not try me daring. Cause I'mma tell you what you need to be medicated for.

[Scottie Beam]

Right?

[Crystal]

And now we gonna have a problem.

[Scottie Beam]

Now I'm gonna have a big issue instead of throwing a bible in my face. Right.

[Crystal]

So please just mind your business. Keep your little shitty comments to yourself. But also another thing with ADHD people is really needing external motivators. It's hard for us to motivate ourselves. And when you're in relationships, that's sort of like a built in engine almost. You can be chasing the, the thrill that comes with connecting with somebody new. It's fun to have butterflies, it's fun to. And it's fun to have a partner. Like it's fun to have that other person there. And sometimes like, I think there's a study or maybe I just read this in grad school. But they're like, people who live with a partner or with a roommate tend to do certain, when they have adhd, they tend to do certain things that they wouldn't when they live alone, like pick up after themselves, make sure you close all them cabinets, wipe up the stove when you done using it, stuff like that. Because it's like, oh, somebody else lives here and they will see that I don't do this shit. Right.

[Scottie Beam]

Yeah.

[Crystal]

So that sort of motivation that can come from having a partner that is very appealing to the ADHD brain. But I think Scotty's right that taking this time to really be single, she gave you some great advice about journaling the mean things. It could be that you're really talking to yourself and putting yourself down in a terrible way. I think she's right. Because you said you're nothing but flaws, and they're all perfect. Like, you're putting them on this pedestal

[Scottie Beam]

and ain't no nigga been perfect.

[Crystal]

Right? Right.

[Scottie Beam]

That's first.

[Crystal]

That's impossible. So I know you wrong, baby.

[Scottie Beam]

You was wrong from the redo.

[Crystal]

Yeah, but.

[Scottie Beam]

Yeah, no, take some time. Really sit down, right? And also get comfortable. Get uncomfortable with yourself. You know what I'm saying? Just like what you were saying about living with a person and having to put on this whole different masks of what you would do if there was a person here. And I would be doing this. And I wanted to make sure he knows that I do this and that and this. Now you get to be yourself. And that might not be so fun sometimes, right? But you learn more about yourself. You learn to love yourself. I have never loved myself more than when I'm single. I'm so sorry.

[Crystal]

No, it's real.

[Scottie Beam]

I love.

[Crystal]

It's so important. Yeah.

[Scottie Beam]

Love it.

[Crystal]

Yeah.

[Scottie Beam]

Maybe too much. I know my friends be like, enough.

[Crystal]

Enough is enough, girl.

[Scottie Beam]

But I love being single because that alone time is necessary. And that's when I learned how to love myself and enjoy myself, enjoy my own company, do things that I know that the next nigga would hate. You know what I'm saying? I just get to do whatever I want to do. Whatever it is that I want to do, I get to do it right. And that should also be in a relationship as well. But I have to. We're not there yet.

[Crystal]

Well, I mean. And it's clear that Paris has not taken that time to herself. Cause since she's 18, she's been just. I mean, it's only. You've told us about three relationships, but that's 20 years worth of relationships, girl. That is.

[Scottie Beam]

That's.

[Crystal]

That's a lot. That's very intense. So not only do I think you should not be focusing on being ultra productive. Cause it's, like, productive to what end? For what. Who are you trying to prove anything to? You know, if you're executing at work, you don't need to come home and then do what. What are you. What are you trying to prove here? I think that time you. You really do learn to love yourself, to value your time alone. And also, you know, you might fall apart a little, but you'll learn how to take care of yourself without needing a partner. There to motivate you to do those things. You'll learn how to take care of your home and yourself and your hobbies. Maybe you'll nurture more friendships. You didn't say not one word here. Friendships.

[Scottie Beam]

And that's what I'll say too. Change what your wins are.

[Crystal]

Ooh, I like that.

[Scottie Beam]

As somebody with adhd, I need a win. I always. I need. All right, well, I'm not gonna finish this list. Okay. I'm gonna do something else to make me feel like I've done something, that I've actually, like, accomplished something. And I do that mostly in my career.

[Crystal]

Yeah.

[Scottie Beam]

If I failed in a. Failed in a relationship, then I feel like, okay, I have to give all my attention to this care to make sure that I'm not a loser here. Ooh.

[Crystal]

Get out of my diary.

[Scottie Beam]

And then I'll overwork. I'll do everything, but then I'll abandon everything else. Like, I've abandoned everything about myself. My friendships, my family, everybody, just to get this win. But your win could be with your friends. Yep. Your win can be with your family. Your win could just be sitting alone and enjoying that time. That should be your win. Yep. You know, and just reevaluating what a win is to you is so necessary. I'm learning that now. And I'm 35.

[Crystal]

Yeah.

[Scottie Beam]

So, you know, that was. That was very important for me to do, because I would break my neck to get a win, to figure out how I can accomplish something, to feel like I'm valuable in some way. And so it's like, yeah, no, you were always valuable. Even when you fail, you're valuable.

[Crystal]

Yep.

[Scottie Beam]

You know, people fail all the time.

[Crystal]

Yes.

[Scottie Beam]

Why do you think you're exempt? Why do you feel like you don't need to make any mistakes ever? Yes.

[Crystal]

I was just having this conversation with Tracy. Oh, my God. About black women, especially. We just love to put all this pressure on ourselves to be this absolutely flawless being. And it's like, girl, no, I'm literally just a person I'm gonna fuck up sometimes. And when you're starting from scratch or at the very beginning, a wish is as small as doing something differently today than you did yesterday. Yeah, it can be that. If you are always in the house, like, you work from home, and so you never leave your house. Your win tomorrow is going outside to pick up a gallon of milk instead of doordashing it or whatever. It can be something that small, where you're just. And every day's not gonna be a win because you're human. Phew. So sometimes you not gonna do it, but when you do, congratulate yourself. Wow, I did this differently than what I did before, and I might not now that I've done it once. See, this is my problem. Once I do the good thing, one day I'm like, if I don't do it every day here on out, then I flopped, and I'm a failure and I'm trash, and what's wrong with me? And that's not fair to me.

[Scottie Beam]

Yes, it's not fair.

[Crystal]

That's not fair. You have to start somewhere. The consistency and all of that that you're looking for, you have to give it time to grow. The brain is flexible. You can learn new things, but it does take time. You're not just gonna snap your fingers and everything's gonna fall into place. So be a little bit more gentle with yourself. But I think you're headed in a good direction, babe. Good luck.

[Scottie Beam]

How do I pay for this session that was so necessary?

[Crystal]

Now you know you can hit me up anytime.

[Scottie Beam]

Okay.

[Crystal]

Don't do that.

[Scottie Beam]

This next one is from Mikayla.

[Crystal]

Mm. Okay.

[Scottie Beam]

Hi, Crystal. I come from a West African family, and I have an older cousin who basically is my sister. For a long time, she was my favorite cousin in one of the only family relationships that still felt solid. Over the years, though, I've realized we're not as aligned as I thought. I work in public health. Wow. So my values are deeply tied to what I do every day. I care a lot about social issues, and I try to be intentional about being an ally. Ally. Sorry. Being an ally to the LGBTQ community. She has become very deeply Christian and believes homosexuality is a sin.

[Crystal]

Oh, bless.

[Scottie Beam]

That already created tension, and I thought we could just respectfully disagree.

[Crystal]

Oh, if only.

[Scottie Beam]

Then I found out she didn't vote in the last election. Why?

[Crystal]

When? Of all the times to sit out, that really wasn't it.

[Scottie Beam]

I just.

[Crystal]

Okay.

[Scottie Beam]

When I asked why, she said things like Kamala seemed fake. She didn't want to vote for her just because she's a black woman and even joked that at least Trump gets things done. Yeah, like your ass out of the fucking country got that done. Pack your bags. That conversation hit me hard because it made me realize our worldviews are not just different, they are fundamentally misaligned. What made it even confusing is that she admitted she hasn't always shared her real beliefs with me over the years because she wanted to avoid conflict and keep the relationship.

[Crystal]

Lord.

[Scottie Beam]

That helped me understand her, and it also made me realize I may have been holding on, holding onto a version of our closeness that wasn't fully honest. I've taken space and set boundaries, but now I'm trying to figure out what this relationship looks like moving forward. There's still care there, but I don't think we can be as close as we used to be without one of us shrinking. Factual. I've already done.

[Crystal]

Oh, sorry.

[Scottie Beam]

I've already gone. No contact with other family members over the years due to misalignment and conflict. So this feels heavy. How do you handle loving someone who you've clearly outgrown in values?

[Crystal]

Yeah.

[Scottie Beam]

How do you redefine a relationship without guilt? Especially when culture puts so much pressure on family. Close knit. Much love, Mikayla.

[Crystal]

Oh, man. So this is challenging for anybody, but especially for immigrant kids, there is a very strong sense of like family over everything and never being misaligned with the family always. That is something that I've seen a lot in people whose parents immigrated from another country. And that's because other countries value the community more than we do. America's very individualistic. Other cultures are very collectivist. So it's kind of like, you know, we all in this together. Then you get over here to America and you realize very quickly that none of these people are in it together. Everybody is out for themselves. Which, I mean, honestly, it does make me a little more confused because Kamala Harris policies were far and away more beneficial to the collective than Donald Trump's. And if anybody is doing something for their own good, it is that man. He's literally in office to avoid going to prison. He is bankrupting this country and putting a bunch of drunk dumb asses in office who don't know what they're doing. We're in a war. We just spent $5 billion in a week on a fucking war. But he's taking away Yalls food stamps and nobody can afford rent. And you didn't wanna vote for her just cause she's black?

[Scottie Beam]

You're that silent?

[Crystal]

I mean, it really. That's the sort of thing where I talked about this with somebody else who came and did the show who was saying, you know, when you have friends who voted for Trump, basically, how do you handle that? And I'm like, well, I actually don't think I know anybody who voted for Trump. They wouldn't tell me. Cause they know how I am. Right?

[Scottie Beam]

For sure they would not know.

[Crystal]

They know, right? I do not.

[Scottie Beam]

And I've asked, I've asked several times. Have you voted?

[Crystal]

Yeah.

[Scottie Beam]

Who did you vote for? Yes, but as Somebody who. My family, most of them are immigrants. I just. I really don't understand how you could have this mindset.

[Crystal]

Yeah.

[Scottie Beam]

But what I will say to Mikayla is that they gotta go. And I'm so sorry. And it's tough. There are some family members whom I don't speak to anymore because of their values. And we just. We don't align. You know what I'm saying? It's just something. I'm gonna be cordial. I'm gonna be respectful. But I am not going to be as close with you as I once was. And I think that's okay. And it's gonna hurt and it's gonna be so sad because we have so many, many memories. This election is deeper than just, oh, I voted for a president. And I think people just think, oh, yeah, I just voted for a president. It's cool. It doesn't matter. My vote doesn't really count. It's a lot of people that live here. So it doesn't really matter. This is bigger than that. And as we can tell.

[Crystal]

So it's kind of like, I don't know how y' all saw what we went through from 2016 to 2020 and said, let's go back and do that again. But even worse. Right. You know, that's what really. That's what doesn't make sense to me. And although, you know, you said your cousin didn't vote for Trump, she just didn't vote at all. That's not too much better. But I do think sometimes we have to accept that we. And this person that we care deeply about. Things have changed. For whatever reason.

[Scottie Beam]

Yeah.

[Crystal]

Whether it's politically or something else has gone on. You know, sometimes you just outgrow people. Sometimes you're in a place and they're not. Or vice versa. Sometimes they're not. They outgrow us. Sometimes we're the ones who aren't changing.

[Scottie Beam]

That's true.

[Crystal]

Or adapting. And there is a real value in being able to say, I care about you. I'm not willing to throw you away and cuss you out. I don't wanna do that. But in my mind, I am going to reclass where I put you. You know, this is a conversation I was having with the other lady is that everybody is not going to be that best friend. Everybody is not going to. And it sucks when it's somebody who. This is a cousin who is basically like a sister. I know what that's like. And, you know, this is probably somebody that you just have always thought. You know, it's family. It's your friends. Like, there was never any reason to think that y' all would be growing apart.

[Scottie Beam]

Yeah.

[Crystal]

But I would also venture to say that you're probably the one who's changed, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. But you work in public health, so you know things about, like, science and data that sometimes black people, we just don't want to hear it, unfortunately. I hate that about us. But sometimes we do not care about the facts. We think whatever we feel or whatever we sense should outweigh what the actual data reflects. And it's like it don't. Girl. So you being homophobic when I work directly with the LGBTQ population is not gonna work because I know you. Your problem is not them. People, please. If you can't pay your rent, if you can't afford daycare for your baby, if you finding it hard to put groceries on the table, it is not because it's a bunch of baristas with purple hair and nose piercings using they. Them pronouns. That is not why. That's not.

[Scottie Beam]

It's not.

[Crystal]

But y' all let these commercials about, like, Kamala Harris cares about the gays. Y' all let that. Kamala Harris believes trans people should live like y'.

[Scottie Beam]

All.

[Crystal]

Y' all were so mad at that.

[Scottie Beam]

It's insane.

[Crystal]

It is.

[Scottie Beam]

That's usually when. As soon as she said deeply into.

[Crystal]

Oh, yes. She's recently become very Christian.

[Scottie Beam]

Christian.

[Crystal]

Oh, child's.

[Scottie Beam]

I knew exactly what we were getting.

[Crystal]

Yeah.

[Scottie Beam]

I knew exactly what we set up.

[Crystal]

So you saw it then.

[Scottie Beam]

Yeah, I seen it, but it's gonna hurt. It's gonna be really. It's gonna be painful. Yeah.

[Crystal]

And because it takes time to separate yourself from that person mentally. And again, you've known her all your life, and you said you come from a West African family that's probably still very much like, you know, family above all else. And no matter how we disagree or what we disagree on, you not just gon throw your cousin away, which, I mean, you don't have to, but you also don't have to pretend like she's this best friend. Oh, my God. My best. This big sister that I love so much and I just want to spend all my time with. She don't have to be that either.

[Scottie Beam]

Yeah.

[Crystal]

You get to be honest with yourself if no one else. You get to be honest with yourself about how you really feel about her, what time you wanna spend with her, and in what way. Now the guilt might be harder to let go of because, again, that if.

[Scottie Beam]

Well, what's the guilt.

[Crystal]

Well, so when we're raised to have certain beliefs or ideals or to behave in a certain way, like, let's say Mikaela's family is like, you know, you can never say something mean about family, then the fact that you feel this way can provoke guilt in you because you've been taught not to. So you have to unlearn the idea that you're not allowed to dislike somebody or not agree with somebody who is family. You are allowed to say, I don't fuck with you, even though we're blood.

[Scottie Beam]

Okay?

[Crystal]

I love you. Love you, especially the you that I used to know. And that's why you having a hard time because you even said it. You know? Like, I think maybe the closeness that I felt wasn't fully honest, and I just wanted to feel like, oh, we're so close. And so I told myself that, but it wasn't really real, because if it was, then a little poke and prod at it wouldn't have it fall apart, right? So you've gotta work through all that mentally. A therapist can be very helpful with this. But also, if you have just friends, just other people who you are close with that you can vent to and be like, y' all my cousin, who is like a big sister to me, who I love so fucking much. Tell me why this bitch said she didn't vote in the last election. Because she ain't want to vote for Kamala just because she black.

[Scottie Beam]

Cause she black. And at least Donald Trump gets things done.

[Crystal]

That. That is so ignorant.

[Scottie Beam]

I just. I don't even understand. Yeah, Get.

[Crystal]

Get what done? What has Donald Trump done? And I'm so for real, right?

[Scottie Beam]

And what has he done to that was good for you, right, that you wanted done?

[Crystal]

What has he done that didn't make the billionaires even richer and make the everyday person struggle even harder?

[Scottie Beam]

Right?

[Crystal]

And I'll wait. Go ahead and answer that for me real quick. Literally, not one fucking thing. So hopefully you have other people around that you can vent to, and they can say, ugh, same. Cause I do have family. People who I am technically related to, who I know have voted for Donald Trump. But I don't talk to them niggas. They on my daddy's side of the family anyway.

[Scottie Beam]

So I'm gonna say, who talks to

[Crystal]

their daddy side for real?

[Scottie Beam]

And that's truly. And respect to my daddy's side.

[Crystal]

No, it's real.

[Scottie Beam]

But I don't be talking to y'.

[Crystal]

All. You know that. It's real. Cause I'm the ain't y on the daddy side for my nephew, that's my brother's kid, and I'm always like, I gotta beat the allegations. I cannot be. It can't be. My daddy side of the family is just trash. And I don't never see them and they don't never come. I can't. So ain't he showing up every Christmas, every birthday? So you know, your daddy side care. Wow. Yeah.

[Scottie Beam]

You be showing up.

[Crystal]

I have too. I mean, that's my nephew.

[Scottie Beam]

But also, like, yeah, for sure.

[Crystal]

I'm very aware that, you know, for most of us, the mothers carry culture and whoever is around your mama is your family. Yeah, so. So you finna know.

[Scottie Beam]

Yeah.

[Crystal]

Who I am. Yes.

[Scottie Beam]

Aside from my grandma and grandpa on my daddy's side, it is very hard for me to remember people's names. That's how like, yeah. I be like, now who asks my brother all the time now, which one?

[Crystal]

Yeah. Cause it's so optional.

[Scottie Beam]

It is.

[Crystal]

It's so optional for the daddy. So.

[Scottie Beam]

Especially if you have an optional ass father. If you got an optional ass father who don't really come around like that.

[Crystal]

Right.

[Scottie Beam]

It's easy for you to be like, well, I'm not really, you know, tied to them. I'm tied to my grandma and grandpa for sure.

[Crystal]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Scottie Beam]

But everybody outside of that, I'm just,

[Crystal]

you know, I mean, if my brother woke up tomorrow and decided to be a deadbeat, I would cuss his ass out. And I'm still going to see my nephew. You're not keeping me from my nephew.

[Scottie Beam]

Now, if my brother did anything like that.

[Crystal]

Yeah. Oh, no. We're literally fighting. Cause who you think you are, nigga? No, you're gonna go raise my nephew and you're gonna do a good job,

[Scottie Beam]

and we gonna be on that doorstep every day.

[Crystal]

Me, literally.

[Scottie Beam]

Me and the nephew.

[Crystal]

Like, so what you doing?

[Scottie Beam]

You got things to take care of. You have responsibilities. Do not play with me.

[Crystal]

It's so common for immigrant. I mean, black Americans, period, but especially black immigrant Americans, that the culture that your family brought is beautiful. It is a beautiful thing. But every aspect of it is not always healthy in every situation. Sometimes. I mean, speaking as somebody who's black American on both sides as far as back as anybody can tell. Well, the way these people, I mean, and not even just my family, but like, we will sometimes do everything we can. It's sort of like, you know, what happens in the family stays in the family in this house stays in this house. And that means we will cover up ridiculous Horrible things that somebody, usually a man, did in order to uncle such and such coming over. Tell them girls to go put on some long pants.

[Scottie Beam]

Why? Why? Why?

[Crystal]

You can't wear spaghetti straps around your uncle. Why? There's something wrong with your uncle. Oh, and don't let you be thick, baby. Now all of a sudden, your body is a source of shame, as opposed to that grown man not being able to not comment on your thighs or whatever. Like, yuck. We are blood related. You gross. Anyway, we're getting off track. The point being that sometimes the culture acts pressure that you really shouldn't have to deal with. And so it's extra work to undo that. That's why I say therapists can help. But also reach out to your friends and tell them. You never know who else can commiserate. And that shared experience of being like, I love her, but this is bullshit. Yeah, that really helps. You gotta let it out.

[Scottie Beam]

And we're all going through it.

[Crystal]

We are all going through one way.

[Scottie Beam]

Yeah. People are. Hello. There are people that are experienced the same stuff that you are during this time. So, yeah, reach out to your community for sure. Your community that you chose.

[Crystal]

Right. Cause you deserve that, Scottie Beam. We have to wrap up. That's it, girl. Oh, I love it. We've reached the end of our time together, but I want to thank you so much for coming on Chrissal's couch today.

[Scottie Beam]

Thank you.

[Crystal]

You're so beautiful.

[Scottie Beam]

I love you. Well, this was a great, great episode.

[Crystal]

Don't you just love.

[Scottie Beam]

I feel like you read me.

[Crystal]

You know, how does everybody say that because you was. Cause that.

[Scottie Beam]

I mean, girl.

[Crystal]

No, it's the ADHD therapy. Yeah. Oh, no, the list. Let's not look at the notes app on my phone, girl. It's so many, like, oh, let me go get some Vaseline and some blah, blah, blah. Like, oh, trust. But I love a list. I do, too.

[Scottie Beam]

I do it every day.

[Crystal]

Ooh, you can't keep me from a list.

[Scottie Beam]

You was on my list today. I said, and once I do it, I get a. To check it off.

[Crystal]

Cause that's my favorite part of the list that. Oh, it feels so good checking it off.

[Scottie Beam]

But it's been an honor to honestly sit with you and talk to you.

[Crystal]

Thank you so much. You know, I look at some of you, I call y' all young girls, like, but, you know, I look at you and Sylvia and other, you know, women in their early to mid-30s who, like, have had this very illustrious media career, and you just have your hands in so Many different. And I'm so proud of you. Oh, stop. Keep doing. No. And I really, really want the people to go check out.

[Scottie Beam]

Hi.

[Crystal]

I'm uninspired, because, first of all, Chef's kiss on that name.

[Scottie Beam]

Thank you.

[Crystal]

But I just. I love what you're doing there. So please tell the people where they can find you.

[Scottie Beam]

You can find me. First of all, Scottie Beam on all platforms, be it fine and thick.

[Crystal]

Also, don't let your man see her. Do not let your man see her. Do not let your man follow Scottie Beam, please.

[Scottie Beam]

I don't want your man, though.

[Crystal]

Don't you send me no dm.

[Scottie Beam]

Cause I got a few just of being like, yeah, my man has been liking your pictures. Has my man wrote to you? Can you screenshot it and send it to me? Stand up.

[Crystal]

That's. Cause she thick and fine.

[Scottie Beam]

But, you know, I do be thick.

[Crystal]

You do? You do, girl, you do. You be looking good on vacation, girl.

[Scottie Beam]

So that. And then, hi, I'm Uninspired is on YouTube, so all you gotta do is put it in the search bar and it should pop up. So, yeah, that's it.

[Crystal]

Thank you again, baby.

[Scottie Beam]

Thank you so much. I appreciate it.

[Crystal]

Of course. Anytime. This was such a.

[Scottie Beam]

This is like a big thing on my list. You know what I'm saying? This is a bucket list moment for me.

[Crystal]

So she is exaggerating.

[Scottie Beam]

No, I'm serious.

[Crystal]

This girl is a literal New York icon. She comes from a New York icon. You literally. She runs the city. I don't run.

[Scottie Beam]

Nobody's sitting. I want to put some number on my head. No, we watched you. We watched you. We listened to you. We literally went after everything that you did. We were like, oh, well, Crystal did it this way. We need to do it that way. We need to do it. You are the blueprint. Oh. So I don't ever want you to think like, oh, Lord, the girls need to give you the flowers.

[Crystal]

I'm pretty sure the girls give you

[Scottie Beam]

the flowers because we. When we started Black Girl Podcast, you were the one we watched. You were the one that we listened to. So the way that you speak unapologetically, you stayed true to your authentic voice.

[Crystal]

Oh, my God.

[Scottie Beam]

You didn't conform to anything. You didn't let a dance sponsorship or anything tried to change the way you went about saying things. So we appreciate you for that, for standing 10 toes down on who you are and the words that you say, and I appreciate you for that, because that is exactly what I wanted to do. And I never really got to see it until then. So thank you.

[Crystal]

My cheeks hurt. I can't take this. Thank you so much. That really means so much. I love you. There was a time where I would have been been like, stop, Shut up, you lying. Blah, blah, blah. So I'm trying to just sit here and receive it that I'm working.

[Scottie Beam]

See how she's already better than us.

[Crystal]

Cause I'm sitting here like, please stop.

[Scottie Beam]

No, I'm still working on it. But that's the next thing that I want to do after Christmas, literally. Hey, I need to take a damn compliment. I will start sweating. I already started sweating when she started talking. I was like, oh my God, so much. But I appreciate you. I love you. This will be a love fest all.

[Crystal]

Thank you so much. I am just. It has been my pleasure to have you here today.

[Scottie Beam]

Have me again.

[Crystal]

Okay. Can't wait to have you back.

[Scottie Beam]

I'm gonna come back. Yeah.

[Crystal]

All right. That will wrap up this week's episode of Chrysalis couch. Make sure you follow us online at chrysaliscouch. The website is chrysalscouch.com and if you have a question for me, send me an email advicerystlescouch.com we'll see you next. This episode of Chrisal's Couch is brought to you by Chime. Chime isn't just another banking app. It's fee free and smarter banking built for the average person, not the 1%. Old school banks charge overdraft and monthly fees, which is literally what the fans do not want to see. Okay, we need products like Chimes MyPay, which gives you access to up to $500 of your paycheck anytime and getting paid up to two days early with direct deposit. Deposit. With Chime, your everyday spending works even harder by delivering real rewards. And with the cost of everything right now. I don't know about you, but I need every reward I can get. Chime offers overdraft coverage. You can count on up to 3% APY on savings and can even help boost your credit with the new chime card. It's the cashback card that helps you build your credit with your own money. Two things that old school banks usually do not put together. And when you get qualifying direct deposits, you get 1.5% back on eligible Chime card purchases. Just about everybody I know either uses it or could absolutely benefit from it. Chime is not just smarter banking. It's the most rewarding way to bank. So join the millions who are already banking fee free today. It takes just a few minutes. To sign up, head to chime.com couch that's chime.com

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