Session 22: Calling Crissle

Summary

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Crissle’s Couch, Session 22: "Calling Crissle"

Host: Crissle
Date: April 14, 2026
Format: Live call-in advice session

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Episode Overview

This episode departs from the usual studio format to feature live conversations between Crissle and listeners seeking advice. With her signature blend of candor, compassion, and humor, Crissle offers guidance on cohabiting with blended families, navigating friendship dynamics, and healing after being ghosted in dating. The show’s tone is warm, empathetic, and occasionally gently irreverent—Crissle delivers tough love while affirming each caller’s feelings and experience.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Blending Families in a Small Space ([01:29]–[21:02])

Caller: Giselle

• Situation: Giselle, 43, is living with her partner (38) and their combined four children (ages 7, 9, 11, and 13) in a two-bedroom condo. She is perimenopausal, late-diagnosed autistic, and finding the frequent visits from her partner’s three children overstimulating and disruptive, both for herself and her son.
• Conflict: The kids’ noise and mess, lack of cleanup, and her partner’s laid-back approach are causing stress. Her son has started expressing frustration. Giselle wonders if it’s acceptable to ask her partner to host his kids elsewhere or use other arrangements.
• Crissle’s Advice:
  • Acknowledgement of Normalcy: “What you need for these kids to adjust in their behavior is very normal things.” ([04:52])
  • Importance of Partner Support: “The issue…is that when you talk to your partner about it, he doesn’t bother to correct his children. That leaves a space where resentment can grow.” ([07:00])
  • Setting Boundaries: Crissle suggests it’s reasonable for Giselle to expect her partner’s children to tidy up and be mindful, especially since Giselle owns the home.
  • Communication: Emphasizes framing the conversation around how the kids’ behavior is affecting her, rather than blaming anyone. “You know, sometimes we just have to hurt people’s feelings. Not every conversation can be had in a way that we ensure that no one is going to have hurt feelings.” ([12:35])
  • On Prioritizing Herself: “It's your home, and so whatever standards you have for your home aren’t unreasonable because it’s your home…But at the same time, they are kids...children have to be taught.” ([13:32])
  • On Future Plans: Recognizes that a larger space could help, but warns that “it really sounds like you don’t want four kids.” ([15:52])
  • Advice for Her Son: “He should…be friendly and be social and…share his toys or his space…but it’s also fair for him to…still have some space…kids are just small humans and sometimes they need a break just like we do.” ([16:43])
  • Framework for the Hard Conversation: “The conversation can be something like, 'I'm not saying there's anything wrong with your kids. I'm saying that the leap from one to four is a lot for me and I’m going to need your support to make that transition as smooth as possible…” ([19:25])
  • Outcome: Giselle feels validated and prepared to communicate her needs with her partner.
• Memorable Quote:
  • “If you can't sort of put your foot down here, your partner is going to be able to just continue to force his way.” ([11:17])

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2. Friendship and Singlehood Obsessions ([25:41]–[32:28])

Caller: Loki

• Situation: Loki has been in a happy 10-year relationship and is noticing his single friend is preoccupied with finding a partner. Loki wonders how to encourage self-development without sounding patronizing, given his own relationship status.
• Crissle’s Insight:
  • Friends’ Experiences After Breakups: Recognizes that Loki’s friend recently ended a five-year partnership, so the focus on seeking a relationship is normal. “I do think you may need to tap a little bit more into your patience here.” ([29:01])
  • Empathy and Boundaries: Validates Loki’s frustration but counsels understanding—“If y’all broke up next week, you didn’t see it coming or whatever, don’t you think you would need a little grace?” ([29:12])
  • Being Supportive: Suggests Loki accompany his friend to social events (“put on the freakum dress”) even if it’s not his preferred scene, as a form of compassionate friendship ([30:43]–[31:32]).
  • On Making Sacrifices as Friends: “Just a little bit of sacrifice for the people we really love…strengthen your relationship.” ([30:50])
• Memorable Moment:
  • Crissle teasingly reframes Loki’s role: “I would rather put you in a position where you can go date or find somebody just for the night or whatever you want to do, you know, and support in that way.” ([32:14])

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3. Navigating Ghosting and Seeking Closure ([32:51]–[53:34])

Caller: Jasir

• Situation: Jasir, a 26-year-old Black queer person, describes deepening feelings with a man he met via a dating app, leading to a friends-with-benefits setup that turned emotional. After a stressful period (losses, job changes), the man abruptly disappeared—ghosting Jasir without explanation. Jasir seeks advice on closure and healing.
• Crissle’s Advice:
  • Ghosting Defined: “I just don't think that emotionally mature people ghost like this…I feel like he owed you some kind of communication here, instead of coming over, giving you a candle, and then being like, oh, I'm gonna step outside, and then you never see him again.” ([42:00]–[42:54])
  • On Not Blaming Oneself: “It's really important that we not blame ourselves for being open to love, that we don't beat ourselves up because we wanted connection…that's normal, natural, human things to do.” ([48:08])
  • Growth and Boundaries: Affirms that it’s healthy to feel grief, but encourages not dwelling in the pain. “Instead of…‘why did I even let myself like this person?’ [try] ‘You know, what I did, I liked someone. I was vulnerable, I was willing. It didn’t work out. I’m gonna take some time to myself and I’m gonna get back out there.’” ([48:45])
  • Closure Without Contact: Praises Jasir for unfollowing his ex and focusing on his own life and friends. Suggests gaming, hobbies, and socializing as healthy distractions. “It sounds like you're just going to need time.” ([50:28])
  • Big Picture: “It hurts when things end, but it's millions and millions of other men out here for you to find and engage with and create new connections with.” ([52:01])
• Caller’s Appreciation:
  • Jasir expresses thanks for Crissle’s openness about mental health and Black queer experiences: “Your voice has been very pivotal…you keep me very stable in that office of white folks in the built environment…” ([52:22])

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Notable Quotes

• On Difficult Conversations:
  "Not every conversation can be had in a way that we ensure that no one is going to have hurt feelings." —Crissle ([12:35])

• On Family and Home:
  "It's your home, and so whatever standards you have for your home aren't unreasonable because it's your home." —Crissle ([13:32])

• On Friendship in Heartbreak:
  “How long can I possibly mourn when Act 3 and Pride are right around the corner?” —Crissle ([51:52])

• On Self-Compassion in Dating:
  "We don't have to punish ourselves for being willing to be hurt. That is...part of it. You can't love without having some loss." —Crissle ([48:45])

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:29] – Start of call-in advice; Giselle’s situation
• [04:52] – Crissle addresses neurodivergence and household boundaries
• [07:00] – Discussion about resentment, setting standards
• [12:35] – Navigating hard conversations and neurodivergence
• [19:25] – Script for discussing feelings with a partner
• [25:41] – Loki calls about friendship and relationship obsessions
• [29:12] – Empathy for friends post-breakup
• [30:50] – On sacrificing comfort for a hurting friend
• [32:51] – Jasir’s story of ghosting and seeking closure
• [42:00] – Emotional maturity, ghosting, and deserved communication
• [48:08] – On not blaming ourselves for wanting connection
• [50:28] – Practical steps for closure (unfollowing, hobbies)
• [51:52] – ‘How long can I mourn when Act 3 and Pride are right around the corner?’ (levity on moving on)

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Tone and Takeaways

Crissle’s direct, empathetic style makes callers feel heard and validated. She balances compassion with honesty, urging listeners to prioritize their needs, set boundaries, and accept that discomfort is sometimes a necessary part of growth—whether in families, friendships, or dating. Her use of humor and warmth infuses the episode with hope, encouraging listeners to keep showing up for themselves and their communities.

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Transcript

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[Crystal]

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[Crystal]

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[Caller Jasir]

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[Crystal]

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[Caller Loki]

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[Caller Jasir]

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[Crystal]

Hi and welcome back to Chris Couch, the show where I answer your letters for advice and talk to the most interesting people in the world. Today we are doing something a little different. I'm going to be talking to you all one on one. Yes. We are going to have a few listeners dial in and ask me their questions live. And we're going to have a little conversation. See if I can help you out. So let's dive right in. I don't want to waste too much time. Let's get to Gisele. Hi, Giselle. Welcome to the Couch.

[Caller Giselle]

Hi. Thank you for having me.

[Crystal]

Of course. What's on your mind?

[Caller Giselle]

So I have a little bit of an issue. So my partner and I have been together for just over a year. He's 38 and I'm 43. The issue that we're having, he's got three kids. They're seven, 11 and 13. 13. I have one son that's nine. And I am getting to be overstimulated when his kids visit. I'm perimenopausal, late diagnosed autistic. Sorry. And it's, it's getting to be a lot. We live in a two bedroom condo. My son is starting to ask like, you know, do they have to come over? So it's become kind of a problem. And what I want to know is, is it okay to ask my partner, like, can you see your kids at your mom's house or maybe get a hotel when they want to come over? Because it is getting to be a lot. I'm not able to like tune out some of the things that I used to be able to tune out, like loud noises and bright lights and things like that. So just wanted to get your thoughts on that.

[Crystal]

Okay. Yeah. How often are the kids coming over?

[Caller Giselle]

It's usually like every other week. And then like when they have school breaks every other weekend. Sorry. When they have school breaks, they'll be here a little bit longer, like four or five days.

[Crystal]

Okay. So when they come every other week is for like the weekend. And then every now and then it's four or five days.

[Caller Giselle]

Yeah.

[Crystal]

Okay. And your son is like, I'm over it. These kids, they loud, they touching my stuff.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

Yeah.

[Caller Giselle]

He's like, I gotta bring them with me when I go to my friend's house. I don't like that.

[Crystal]

Oh, okay. Okay. So your son is the only one who's there full time and then these three kids come every now and then. Well, okay.

[Caller Giselle]

Huh.

[Crystal]

Have you had any conversations with your partner about the kids and how they behave?

[Caller Giselle]

I have. Very gently. Like, I really try and choose my words because I can be very blunt. Like he's told me, like, you're, you're really blunt. But we had a conversation the last time the kids were over. His son was trying to go out and play with my son and his friends and my son kind of ignored him. So he was, he was upset. Like, you know, I don't want my son to feel left out. And I'm like, I get it. Like if, if he were bringing, if the situation were reversed, my feelings would be hurt. But I don't know how to like approach it in a way that gets us to a resolution.

[Crystal]

Right.

[Caller Giselle]

Okay.

[Crystal]

Well, I think this is tricky in a few different ways because obviously nobody wants to hurt the kids feelings. Nobody wants any children to feel like they're being excluded. But it sounds like what you're asking for them to do, like what you need for these kids to adjust in their behavior is very normal things. Like, I know you said you're late diagnosed autistic, so maybe that's why some of the bright noises or bright lights, loud noises, that sort of thing. Maybe that's why that's getting on your nerves. But there are other. If you've tried to correct the children on, you know, leaving the house messy or you know, not picking up after themselves, things like that, and they haven't done it. I think that's something that's worth having the conversation about, like, correcting their behavior. I don't necessarily think this all just falls on you and you're being unreasonable. How far away do they live from you?

[Caller Giselle]

So they live about an hour, hour and a half away.

[Crystal]

Okay.

[Caller Giselle]

So, yeah.

[Crystal]

So it's a while. Okay. And do you have issues with the way the kids behave, or is it just is too bright and too loud when they're here?

[Caller Giselle]

I do. Like, mess also gets to me. I'm also a Virgo, so, like, the details. I' ma see them. All right. Like, the mess. Like, leaving cups and dishes on. On the counters, on the tables. Like, they're here this weekend. I go downstairs, there's chips on the floor. Like, I like my home to be very neat and tidy. If there's a mess, it's because I made it.

[Crystal]

So,

[Caller Giselle]

like, that's part of the challenge. And my partner, he doesn't. He's a man. Like, he doesn't see the things the way that I see them, and they're not a big deal to him. And I'm like. But no, I really, like. I don't want roaches. I don't want mice. I would like my home to be cleaned.

[Crystal]

Right. Okay. So I think that is probably where I would focus, because the children are being asked to do something that is developmentally appropriate for them to do. 7, 11, and 13. Right?

[Caller Giselle]

Yeah.

[Crystal]

Right. So they can. It is reasonable to expect them to pick up after themselves. You know, close the toilet seat or, you know, don't leave food and things like that around. That's very reasonable. The issue that I'm seeing, the main issue, is that when you talk to your partner about it, he doesn't bother to correct his children. That leaves a space where resentment can grow. Because you. It sounds like you're now feeling like, okay, well, I invite these kids into my home. I extend, you know, whatever they may need while they're here because of my relationship with their father. And yet respect is not being shown for my space. Yeah, yeah. Does that sound accurate?

[Caller Giselle]

It does. Like, he'll get on them sometimes, but it's like, after the fact, it's like, okay, I'm getting ready to take you back home. So now clean up. Which. Okay, yes, thank you. But in the meantime, also do that.

[Crystal]

Right. Okay. So does he have. Does, like, his mama live nearby, or does he have somewhere else he can go with these kids? Yes. Oh, he does?

[Caller Giselle]

Yeah. His mom lives like maybe 15 minutes away.

[Crystal]

Oh. So have you had that conversation of, like, maybe the kids can stay with their grandma this weekend and you can go over there too?

[Caller Giselle]

I've tried. I think kind of what my issue is is, like, it's very annoying to me, so I don't. When I bring it to him, I don't want it to be like, you did this and you did that, and you need to take your kids to your mama's house because I don't want them here.

[Crystal]

Right. Well, how does he normally react when you all. When. When something's bothering you and you have a conversation with him about it?

[Caller Giselle]

He's very open to communicating, so we can have conversations. They just don't always kind of end in a resolution because sometimes he's unwilling to see where he could improve.

[Crystal]

I see. So it sounds like he's open to having that initial conversation, but then if he just. If it turns out he just doesn't agree, then.

[Caller Giselle]

Oh, well, right.

[Crystal]

Okay. So who owns the home that you all live in?

[Caller Giselle]

I do.

[Crystal]

You do? He doesn't own it. He's not a part of that?

[Caller Giselle]

No. So we got together really quickly. He kind of moved in. He had a house. He sold it. I didn't know he was selling it, so. Yeah.

[Crystal]

Okay. Now that's very interesting. Was he already in the process of selling the house before you all got together?

[Caller Giselle]

No, it came about kind of because once we started dating, like, he was here all the time and it was like, why keep two places when I'm here all the time?

[Crystal]

Well, I would argue you keep two places because you have three kids who. How big is your home? Is your home bigger than his?

[Caller Giselle]

No. Minus two bedrooms. I got a two bedroom condo. His was two bedrooms as well. I didn't know about the sale until, you know, they were at closing. Is a whole other.

[Crystal]

Wow. Okay.

[Caller Giselle]

Kind of turning into a bigger problem.

[Crystal]

Yeah. I can see. Because it sounds like. So it sounds like you all got together, maybe you sort of instantly clicked a lot of chemistry, that sort of thing. And when you found out he was selling his house, it was. It doesn't even sound like he asked to move in with you. It was just kind of like, assumed that he would.

[Caller Giselle]

Yeah.

[Crystal]

And you just. When. When that conversation came up, were you excited about the prospect of him moving in?

[Caller Giselle]

Kind of. Like, I wouldn't say I was accepting. Like, I.

[Crystal]

Accepting. Okay.

[Caller Giselle]

I dream about having my own apartment where I live by myself with my two cats, but I love this man. I want to be with this man, so.

[Crystal]

Right. Well, you know, you sound like you like things a certain way, and when you have one kid, that's a lot easier to do than when you have four, Especially if you've raised your son to kind of be like you. So he's like, yeah, I also like my quiet time and, you know, my things in a certain place. I don't like, you know, little grubby sticky fingers on my toys or whatever. So I. I can feel the. The frustration here. I see where the conflict is. But it also sounds like if you. If you can't sort of put your foot down here, that your. Your partner is going to be able to just continue to force his way. What do you think would happen if you said, your children are welcome in my home, but they have to clean up after themselves, they have to be mindful of the amount of noise they're making, or else they won't be welcome here? What do you. How do you think he would react to that?

[Caller Giselle]

I think his feelings might be a little hurt. I think it is worth saying. I may have to, like, bring it up very carefully, but I do think it's a conversation worth having.

[Crystal]

Yeah. What I'm thinking is that, you know, sometimes we just have to hurt people's feelings. And a lot of neurodivergent people have had their feelings hurt, you know, a lot in their lifetimes. They felt that sting many, many times, and so they're hesitant to do things that they know might hurt someone else. But not every conversation can be had in a way that we ensure that no one is going to have hurt feelings. Does that sound like you?

[Caller Giselle]

Yeah, it does. And there's also, like. I guess I just. I wanted an outside opinion to. To know if, like, am I being unreasonable? Because if I bring it to him, I feel like the conversation would be like, oh, you're being unreasonable. These are kids, like, so.

[Crystal]

Well, It's interesting because I'm of the mind that it's your home, and so whatever standards you have for your home aren't unreasonable because it's your home. But at the same time, they are kids, and so it does make sense that they're gonna be loud, they're gonna leave little messes all over the place, and that they're going to have to be corrected about that multiple times. It's not necessarily gonna be a situation where you say it once and then they straighten up and fly right from there on out, because they're kids, and children have to be taught. Right. So it does sound like it sounds like you have really curated your life as a mom of one and that really works for you. And this stepmom of four while you're in a two bedroom condo is maybe pushing you way outside of where you're comfortable.

[Caller Giselle]

Yeah.

[Crystal]

So are you all looking at maybe. I think if, if you all had a bigger home, maybe this wouldn't be so much of an issue because those kids could go off in some other part of the house or in the backyard or something and not really bother you. Are you all looking at getting a home together?

[Caller Giselle]

We are.

[Crystal]

You are.

[Caller Giselle]

Ok. Yeah.

[Crystal]

And that's something that's like moving along, something bigger.

[Caller Giselle]

It's moving along. Not as quickly as I would like.

[Crystal]

Okay.

[Caller Giselle]

But yeah, it's definitely something that we have discussed and you know, have been looking for bigger places.

[Crystal]

Okay. Okay. So I think, you know, long term solution. Are you all engaged or this is just your partner? Not to say just.

[Caller Giselle]

But no, he's just my partner. Okay.

[Crystal]

Okay. So. But you all are planning, I mean obviously if you're thinking of buying a home, you all are planning on. Right. Investing in a future together. Right. Okay. So I think the larger house may solve this issue for you entirely as the kids grow. Well, you may always be annoyed by the lights and the crows.

[Caller Giselle]

I'm like, if we get a bigger house, they're going to be here all the time.

[Crystal]

It really sounds like you don't want four kids.

[Caller Giselle]

I like my. This sounds horrible like this. I don't want to be that person. But I was used to, you know, having my one child and moving that way and then this relationship came along. Everything else is great. It's just getting used to the surrogate stepmom.

[Crystal]

Right, Right. Especially because it's a part time stepmom thing. So it's like, oh Lord, I know in nine days here come them children to tear up my peace.

[Caller Giselle]

Fight or flight. Are you. I'm getting better. Where I can be here now when they're here like I used to be, like, I gotta go, I'm gonna make a plan with my friends and I'll be gone.

[Crystal]

Okay. Well, I would say as far as your son is concerned, he should. I mean, it is important that he sort of learn how to be friendly and be social and etc. With these kids. You know, it sounds like they might be his siblings someday. But it's also important that he's allowed to retain some pieces of his life that feel normal, that are, you know, part of his regular schedule or routine that he gets to still have that for himself. So I think it's fair to ask him to, you know, share his toys or his space, things like that, when they're there. But it's also fair for him to, if he wants to escape these kids, you know, I don't think he should have to bring your, your partner's son with him when he goes to a friend's house or to a birthday party or something like that. I think it's okay for him to still have some space there because, you know, kids are just small humans and sometimes they need a break just like we do. I think that's a fair compromise. I also think the conversation with your partner is probably going to have to be centered around the fact that you're trying. You are really making an effort here more than I would, honestly, because the leap from one kid to four is a lot. Again, especially for neurodivergent people who are like, I like my things the way they are. You know, it's not unreasonable for you to want your home to be a peaceful, calm, clean space for you. You know, you're curating your home the way that it works for you. So maybe you talk to your partner about this and you two come to the realization that this isn't really aligned in a long term way because what he's okay with, you're not okay with and vice versa. But I really, my hope is that you all can sit down and have this conversation and you can say, this is how your children's behavior is affecting me. And not in like a, you're a horrible dad or these are terrible kids. But it's, you know, like you said, you can be blunt sometimes. Probably very matter of fact, like, you know, I'm just stating things as they are. That's not always a bad thing. So it can be as, as clear as, you know, your children are lovely. Are his children lovely? Do you like them?

[Caller Giselle]

Yeah. I'm sorry. Yes. Yes, I do,

[Crystal]

Baby. Okay. You say, you know what? Sure. I mean, they're kids, but they're fine. So the conversation can be something like, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with your kids. I'm saying that the leap from one to four is a lot for me and I'm going to need your support to make that transition as smooth as possible. Because right now I'm not feeling heard. I'm not feeling like the way I feel is being valued. And so that is making me want to shut down or escape when your children are here. And that can't be a long Term solution. Do you think you could talk to him like that? Kind of lay it out like that and see where the conversation goes?

[Caller Giselle]

Yeah, I like. I like that phrasing.

[Crystal]

Yeah, try it like that. Where it's like, this is the effect that it's having on me. And as your partner, he should be invested in your happiness. It shouldn't just be about you making endless compromises for the sake of his children, and you're over here miserable so that they can, you know, run around and do whatever they want. Again, you all are looking for a larger home. I think that's a great idea. But he should be willing to support you and make adjustments with his kids the same way you're making adjustments to have those kids there.

[Caller Giselle]

Yes, I agree.

[Crystal]

And if not, then you can start looking at whether this is really the right relationship for you. But it sounds very promising and hopeful. So I am wishing you the best with this man.

[Caller Giselle]

Thank you.

[Crystal]

Good luck, Giselle. Thank you so much for calling in. Bye. This episode of Crystal's Couch is sponsored by Better Help. May is mental health awareness month, and I want to remind you that whatever it is you're going through, you don't have to go through it alone. Life is full of ups and downs, and if you're anything like me, you, you're very, very used to isolating yourself and trying to figure it all out on your own. But the truth is that no human is an island. And we all deserve to have someone who listens, understands, and supports us through life's challenges. It truly can make all the difference. So this month is really a great time to check in with yourself and understand where you are right now. Feeling overwhelmed, stuck, anxious, or unsure is way more common than you think it is. Babe, we've all been there before, and honestly, we'll probably be there, okay? There's no need to try to do it all yourself. If you've been feeling this way, regularly meeting with a therapist can help you manage that stress. As someone who's been in therapy for over eight years, I can personally vouch for how life changing the experience has been for me. BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform with over 30,000 fully licensed therapists ready to support your Overall well being. BetterHelp takes some of the guesswork out of finding the right therapist by using a short questionnaire to help identify your specific needs and preferences. But if you're not satisfied, BetterHelp allows you to switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored recommendations. You don't have to be on this journey alone, find support and have someone with you in therapy. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com Crystal that's betterhelp.com C-R-I-S-S L E this episode of Crystal's Couch is brought to you by Squarespace. Now, whether you're just starting out or if you're trying to grow your business, Squarespace is that perfect all in one website platform designed to help your business stand out and succeed online. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place. Now, if you've ever run a business, you know how clutch it is to have everything you need consolidated in one easy to navigate place. From consultations to events and experience experiences. You can showcase your offerings with a customizable website designed to attract clients and grow your business. Plus, you can get paid on time with professional on brand invoices and online payments. Plus streamline your workflow with built in appointment scheduling and email marketing tools. I've used Squarespace for years for both personal and business websites. I'm actually revamping Chrisliscouch.com right now thanks to Squarespace and their collection of cutting edge design tools. I mean anyone can build a beautiful professional online presence that perfectly fits their brand or business. I know, because if I can do it, you can do it. You can choose from a library of professionally designed and award winning website templates and then use their intuitive drag and drop editing and gorgeous styling options to make your website all yours. Now that's very important to me because I need to be able to update these multiple sites that I have through Squarespace whenever with ease. I don't know how to do coding. I don't know C or whatever the girls are using these days. I have no idea. Okay, so whether you just need a landing page or if you need an in depth full service website, Squarespace has you covered. I've done both multiple times. This could not be an easier process. So head on over to squarespace.com couch for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use Offer Code couch to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[Caller Giselle]

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[Crystal]

Spring just slid into your DMs. Grab that boho. Look for that rooftop dinner, those sandals that can keep up with you. And hang some string lights to give your patio a glow up.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

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[Crystal]

Whoo. Well, that was a doozy. All right. And I think Loki is up next. Hi, Loki, are you there?

[Caller Loki]

Yes, hello. So great to see you. Congratulations on you.

[Caller Jasir]

How are you?

[Crystal]

Thank you for calling Crystal's couch.

[Caller Loki]

Oh, of course. Thank you so much for having me. It's an honor.

[Crystal]

Of course. Loki, what's going on?

[Caller Loki]

So my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 10 years and I'm happy with where we are. We work for the same nonprofit. We share the Buddhist spiritual practice of chanting nam myoho renge kyo. We switch cities twice. We are aligned. I say all of that to say I also honor and understand the women in my life who reject the societal expectation to be in a relationship and are not interested in any of that. I totally get it now. I understand that that conversation is different for women, but I still think there's something to that general conversation for anyone, despite who you are and what your orientation is. I have a single friend who can't hear me make that point. He's so dead set on finding a man. Finding a man. His whole life seems to be centered around that. And because I'm in a long term relationship, he can't hear me. And engaging that conversation with him. And I know that it can sound weird for me to try to speak down on center in your life around finding a relationship as someone in one. But I just wonder, you know, what your thoughts are, what your advice would be for people in relationships, for someone like me to help your single friends really center the power of developing yourself as an individual as opposed to developing as somebody's man.

[Crystal]

Okay, so your issue is that your friend is your friend getting on your nerves because he wants a man so bad?

[Caller Loki]

If I'm gonna be honest, yes.

[Crystal]

Okay, so that's what it is. Okay, so you like why you can't be more like the women who are like whatever.

[Caller Loki]

Or at least see that perspective. At least understand that perspective.

[Crystal]

Well, that's interesting because. And you said you're. This is something you. You feel like you can't be. Like you need to focus on yourself and not worry about men because you

[Caller Loki]

have this long term partnership that's always the comeback. Well, you know, you're in a relationship. How can you Say relationships aren't important. You have one, you know, that's. That's always the conversation.

[Crystal]

Right. Well, and to that I would say relationships are important. What I'm talking about is not centering your life or building your life or cementing your happiness around being in one. That's very different from, you know, whether relationships are important. We're human beings. Humans are social creatures. They want to be connected to one another. There's nothing wrong with that in and of itself. Has your friend recently gone through a breakup or something like that?

[Caller Loki]

It's exactly that.

[Crystal]

Okay, okay. So then in this. And how long has it been with the breakup?

[Caller Loki]

Not. Not a year. I don't think it's been a year yet.

[Crystal]

Okay. And how long was he with his previous partner?

[Caller Loki]

Oh, over five years.

[Crystal]

Okay. Loki. So a very instrumental. It sounds like a very serious relationship. A long term relationship ended. And it has not even been a year yet since the breakup. I, I do think you may need to tap a little bit more into your patience here.

[Caller Loki]

I hear, I hear that. I definitely.

[Crystal]

Maybe because, you know, this is. You've been with your partner for a decade. If y' all broke up next week, you didn't see it coming or whatever, don't you think you would need a little grace?

[Caller Loki]

I'm sure I would be acting like my world fell apart. Yes.

[Crystal]

Right, Right. So I'm just. I'm sorry. It's the thought of your friend being like, heartbroken and wanting a man and missing his old man and you over here, like, wrap girl.

[Caller Loki]

Well, to be fair, he did end that relationship, so I don't think I'm dealing with a heartbroken person. Someone who is so sorry that it ended. But I definitely hear what you're saying. I need to check how I'm engaging this person.

[Crystal]

Well, yes, because, I mean, you have boundaries with this friend. He doesn't, like, call you all hours of the night or drag you out to do things you don't want to do or things like that.

[Caller Loki]

No, nothing like that. But it is a lot of. Oh, you know, walking down. We live in New York, so walking down the street. Oh, look at him. Oh, look at him. You know, it's. He's. He's very. He's very single and very, very looking.

[Crystal]

Yes. Well, one thing I've noticed with. I'm not talking about all gay men, but with my gay male friends when they're in a similar situation, it's very much like boys, boys, boys. And it's. That is the focus. And have you offered to like go to clubs or the parties, et cetera, with him, you know.

[Caller Loki]

And that's the difficult thing. I'm. I'm one of the elderly saintly gays. I'm not really in the clubs and at the bar. So maybe that's a part of the challenge as well.

[Crystal]

Right. I'm thinking that. Does he have anybody else he can hang out with? Cause I'm thinking that some time in the club talking to boys might help this.

[Caller Loki]

I'll go, I'll put on the freakum dress then.

[Caller Jasir]

Will you?

[Caller Loki]

And go back into the club.

[Crystal]

Just a little bit of sacrifice for the people we really love. Cause I can understand ordinarily being like now, you know, I am at home, 8pm rubbing my feet together. I am not in no club. Right. I'm not buying bottles, I'm not intersection. But a little bit of giving up some of our comfort to help a friend who's going through a hard time is a way to strengthen your relationship. So maybe having a little more patience for this boy craziness, you know, it's spring. The weather done finally cracked in New York. That's right, everybody's outside. I'm just saying if you thought it was bad in the winter.

[Caller Loki]

Yeah, you're right.

[Crystal]

It's finna ratchet, you know. So I would offer to take him places where he can let all this boy stuff out. Since I'm tired of hearing it. I would rather go to the function and let you know. And I'm your wingman. We could do laps, you know, I'll play that role a million times. Well, maybe not a million, but I would rather do that than feel like I'm being drained. Because all you do is talk about how much you want a man. And this is like the only thing you can talk about. I'd rather put you in a position where you can go date or find somebody just for the night or whatever you want to do, you know, and support in that way.

[Caller Loki]

Okay. Sounds like we going to the club tonight.

[Crystal]

Oh, Loki, I love to hear it. Thank you so much for calling into the show.

[Caller Loki]

Thank you and congrats again on everything.

[Crystal]

Thanks darling. Take care. Have fun at the club.

[Caller Loki]

I will. Bye. Bye.

[Crystal]

Okay, bye. Loki. Just gotta, you know, sometimes you gotta be a friend. You gotta be that one to come in and help things out. Cause your homegirl's going through it and. Yeah, sometimes it's like that. I think I got time for one more caller. Let me see who's next. Hello, thank you for calling Crystal's couch.

[Caller Jasir]

Of course thank you for having me.

[Crystal]

Thank you. What's your name?

[Caller Jasir]

My name is Jasir.

[Crystal]

Jasir, what's going on?

[Caller Jasir]

Well, I guess we'll go ahead and get started. I'll introduce myself. My name is Jossier. I'm 26. I'm a black queer person based in Charlotte, North Carolina. And basically last year, I got entangled with the man from a dating app. And initially we started off as friends with benefits, but over the course of a few months, we did kind of grow a deeper connection. So the main issue that arose was a week before my birthday, he came over. You know, we barely spoke. We were just kind of relaxed. But eventually he said he took. He wanted to take a step outside just to get some air. That was the last time I ever saw him. No follow up, no text back, nothing. And so, yeah, and since then, I have not seen or heard from this person since earlier this year. I did start going to therapy and, you know, trying to navigate those feelings of, you know, honestly just being human, feeling hurt, kind of conflicted about the situation. And there are still moments that, you know, I kind of navigate these feelings of being stuck between whether or not it was something healthy, the entire situation itself versus, you know, the impact of how it left on me personally. And I guess those question I have for you is just, you know, how do I navigate these feelings of being ghosted and moving towards closure when I was never given that by the other party?

[Crystal]

Right. So were you two ever in a relationship or. It was just like, it started off with friends with benefits, and then things just kind of got deeper, but it was never official.

[Caller Jasir]

So it basically started off as friends with benefits. That was like the first conversation we had as far as, like, what do we want, you know, out of it? You know, some casual, nothing too serious. But of course, you know, the main thing I said was if anything changed, feeling wise on either party, we just let each other know. And so, you know, from there, you know, that's kind of where we, you know, just kept seeing each other. I would say for the first two months, it was really just that you maybe got intimate. You know, we're grown at certain instances and just, you know, have fun. Then at some point, it was towards the end of May, early June, that's when on his end, he had gotten some very harsh news that he had lost a close sibling of his. And then literally two weeks later, he found out that he lost the childhood best friend.

[Caller Giselle]

So he.

[Caller Jasir]

Yes. And all in that time, he was in the middle of transitioning, you know, Jobs also in the middle of moving. So there was just a lot of things just happening, you know, at once. And at that point I had started to kind of, you know, care for his well being. We had developed a mutual sense of respect for each other. So, you know, just kind of let him have his space, you know, navigate certain things because he originally came from another state. So when all that happened and he was with me at the time when he got that news, you know, he just had to go home, handle some things. And then for like a good two or three weeks after that, it was kind of harder to really see him, which was understandable. I knew from personal experience I've experienced loss at a younger age. So I know when that middle transition where there's a lot of things happening, it can't just be a moment where it's like, hey, you just kind of have to prioritize. But I think I noticed that over time, you know, once we had several other conversations following that, as it got closer to his birthday, you know, I did offer to kind of, you know, do something nice for him on his birthday. You know, we spent the day together, got an opportunity to meet with his friends. And then after that, you know, I kind of noticed that after a few like sort of sidebar conversations, general check ins, that's where it kind of got a little bit more, let's just say, into that mixed signal category.

[Crystal]

Okay.

[Caller Jasir]

You know, I would, I would initiate the conversation just asking, you know, hey, you know, what, where are we at right now? How do we feel? After I would notice certain comments that would allude to feelings being more developed. And when I did check in on it, you know, he didn't shy away from it. He did admit that he had developed feelings, which based on our first initial major conversation was, you know, hey, any of us feel anything, we just let each other know. But, you know, at some point, you know, it just kind of felt like he was becoming a lot more distant. And then of course, when, you know, we got into maybe one major disagreement, it was like after that, the energy completely changed. You know, it was a matter of whenever we did talk, it kind of felt like it was more him either projecting or kind of trying to little girl me because he was just a few years older, you know, had just turned 34, me 25, going on 26. You know, it's a gap, but it wasn't that bad. We had clearly, you know, a sense of maturity that kind of led us to each other, at least that I thought at the time. But as it got closer to the end of October, that's when, you know, it just kind of became a situation where it felt like we were just a lot more distant. And so when we got to that weekend, literal week before my birthday, you know, he literally came over. Like I said, we spoke a little bit. I had just gotten back in town from being out to visit some family, and then he gave me a candle. And after that, he just told me, hey, I'm gonna take a call, which he had done before when he came to my place. So I didn't think nothing of it. He walked outside there, gave it like, five, six minutes, open the door, gone. Like, sent him a text, called him like, two, three times just to see, like, hey, did you leave? You okay? No response. But since then, I had not spoken to this person. Got no birthday texts, holidays, nothing. And so we just.

[Crystal]

Yikes, got to.

[Caller Jasir]

Here we are.

[Crystal]

I don't know how to answer this delicately, but are you sure he's alive?

[Caller Giselle]

Yes.

[Crystal]

Okay.

[Caller Jasir]

Because at that time, in that week prior to my birthday, when I did follow up with him that next. Or when I sent that initial text, I didn't say anything else for the rest of the day, but we did still follow each other on social media at that time. So I went on Instagram, and of course, when I see the story, I see you on a hike. So to me, that was the clear wow indication, even if that didn't happen at that exact day or whatever, because I could be kind of similar where I don't post in real life things. The fact that you posted it means that you have access to your phone.

[Crystal]

Right? It means you're alive. Right. That's. I mean, my concern was, I know it's not likely, but, like, did he get snatched up off the street? Like, you never know. Child Trump's America.

[Caller Jasir]

And, you know, understandably, that's the main reason why when I did reach out, that was my major concern. Because, you know, it's one thing for you to leave. You know, I want to make sure you've gotten home safe. But.

[Crystal]

Right.

[Caller Jasir]

If you felt like something was off, you know, it would have been preferable that you would at least have the, you know, audacity to tell me or just say something, because this was someone that was very adamant on saying, I'm emotionally intelligent. So when that action happens, you know, you come into my home, a personal space that I don't allow a lot of people into.

[Crystal]

I know that's right.

[Caller Jasir]

You know, don't say anything to me. Despite you being A few years older. You pride in yourself, on being emotionally intelligent and a grown man, but your first move is, I'm gonna leave. You didn't say I was going home. You said I was going outside to catch air. Meanwhile, you caught a lift home.

[Crystal]

Wow. I think I heard you say sorry.

[Caller Jasir]

No, that's what I'm saying. That's where we are.

[Crystal]

Right? Right. Okay. So I think I heard you say that you all had, like, one major disagreement before this happened. Can you tell me a little bit more about that?

[Caller Jasir]

Yes. And so it was shortly after his birthday. One of his close friends was getting ready to celebrate their birthday. It was around Labor Day weekend. We were spending some time together a little bit that weekend. His friend came over and he basically asked a friend if it was okay for me to join. At the time, I was down to go. That following day, as we were getting ready to go out, you know, still felt good, was still just a little fatigued, but I thought, you know, once I had rested a little bit, I'd be good to go. So by the time we actually got out there, you know, we had literally just pulled up to the space and it was like one of those things where, you know, maybe it was a little bit anxiety, a little bit of just being overstimulated. I just suddenly was not interested in being out. And I did tell him that, and I told him, like, listen, it's nothing personal. I just feel like I'm ready to go home. And so, you know, he was upset about that because from his perspective, and we talked about a little afterwards, you know, he just felt like, because I had changed plans at that moment, it kind of had hurt him, which I understood because I wasn't trying to dismiss anything that, you know, his feelings. It's just at that moment in time, I just was not. I felt like I was not as integral. Integral to those plans because it was such a last minute type of thing. But, you know, I think after we had that disagreement, we did eventually get past it after a deeper conversation. But I could just tell there was like a certain energy shift after that where it would just feel like, okay, we have a conversation. It's almost like I'm being interrogated or, you know, it would. If any type of thing came off a certain way, you know, he. His face was like. He was very reactive to that. And so it was just kind of hard to really hold that space of, you know, trying to actually have a constructive conversation, because it almost felt like, okay, everything I say is coming off the wrong way. And I'm actively trying not to upset you in this space. So that's kind of one thing that I noticed as a trend prior to that weekend before we just eventually stopped talking.

[Crystal]

Yeah, well, one thing about people who brag about how emotionally intelligent they are, I'm always like, actions speak louder than words. And I just don't think that emotionally mature people ghost like this. You know, I only think ghosting is acceptable under very limited circumstances, you know, in cases of abuse, things like that. But this is. Sounds like you all have the sort of dynamic where a conversation is more than warranted, and it can be as simple as a text message of, I'm sorry. I don't feel, you know, brave enough to have this conversation face to face. But I just don't think that you and I are gonna work out like, you. I feel like he owed you some kind of communication here, instead of coming over, giving you a candle, and then being like, oh, I'm gonna step outside, and then you never see him again.

[Caller Jasir]

Yes, I know. When I spoke to my therapist about it, she pretty much said very much the same thing. And she kind of felt like, especially given the fact that it was, you know, a birthday setting, you know, again, I was there with him for his whole birthday. So even if it was something to where you felt like, hey, you weren't done with, you know, I'm grown. It may have sucked at the moment just to hear that because it's not comfortable, but I would have rather, you know, you had just communicated that, you know, you came to my whole home. It wasn't like we were just in two separate locations. So the simple fact that you made the effort to come up to me or come to see me, you know, and then just decide to make that decision, I think that was what really has kind of been, like, the more hurtful aspect, because I like to believe. I do my best to try to be like, hey, you know, even we're not agreeing with everything, you know, I never want you to feel like you can't just say whatever, because at the end of the day, when it comes down to just communication, at least when I've learned, just looking at that experience, you know, that's definitely something going forward where if I am taking or talking to someone very seriously, you know, that's something I value, because that was, like, the first person I'd actually had, like, genuinely, you know, had some feelings for. And if I can't be real a little bit, you know, any other time I had any type of setup like that with you know, other gentlemen callers, what have you, you know, that's. Usually they have a function, and then I go about my way.

[Caller Loki]

Yeah.

[Caller Jasir]

But I think with that one, because of the uniqueness of that situation and how it moved and how it was kind of growing, you know, that's kind of where it was kind of, you know, the most hurtful. It's just like, okay, this is now, like, my first introduction into the dating field, which I already suspected to be a little ghetto, but, you know, this is. You know, what I have to just consider going forward.

[Crystal]

Well, it sounds like he was also dealing with a lot of. So I'm not surprised that a situationship didn't end up going the distance. Especially because you said. Didn't you say he was recently single or recently divorced?

[Caller Jasir]

Yes. So when we first met, he was honest, and he did tell me that relatively recently, he had terminated his previous marriage. And I had asked him about that a few times. You know, from what I learned, it seemed to be a very delicate situation and how it ended up. So I always just tried to respect that. Like, you know, when I first initially started, we were never. It wasn't my goal to, like, okay, I'm trying to make it something serious because, you know, I'd rather see, like, what is the effort on both ends.

[Crystal]

Yeah.

[Caller Jasir]

But naturally, as we just had, like, you know, genuine human conversations, if things were brought up, you know, I'd probably just try to pry slightly, but if I sense that it was triggering something, which I sensed as, you know, we both kind of got to know each other. You know, he told me a lot of things just, you know, about how he grew up, about certain things that made me have empathy because there was just a lot of things that he had to navigate in his own life. And I think we're, you know, maybe where we connected now. My therapist did say this is probably just a little bit of a trauma bond. So I can acknowledge that, you know, it was just certain things that I could relate to in some way in terms of just having certain responsibilities. He was very driven. You know, the things that really attracted me to him was just how focused it was because it caught me off guard compared to a lot of other people I probably just, you know, navigated around in the past, but.

[Crystal]

Right.

[Caller Jasir]

You know, I think even now, I still have, like, that empathy for just knowing everything that was happening at once. You know, it's. It was a lot. That's a lot for any one person to kind of go through. So I think it's just kind of it makes it more complicated when it's like, okay, I am upset that you hurt me, but I also understand that there's a lot that you had going on in your mind when it happened.

[Crystal]

Yeah, right. So, I mean, we can have understanding for him. This is me just basically trying to, like, piece this together, and it's. It's okay to have understanding, you know, like, he was going through a lot of losses basically all at once. And that doesn't negate the connection that you two had. It does mean that, you know, going forward in your next relationships or connections with people, when you hear this sort of thing, you might be like, oh, let me make sure I'm. I'm being careful about how much of my love or care or devotion is really being dedicated to you, because you may not be in a space to be reciprocal, but I'm wondering how you've been talking to yourself about this since it happened.

[Caller Jasir]

Honestly, I would say that I think there are moments where I kind of look at myself when I'm having my own one on one, my little Issa Rae moment, if you will. You know, I just. I kind of do get a little frustrated with myself in some cases, and I feel like it comes from a place of just like, you know, I usually would think that I would not have expected myself to be in that position. And then it's sort of a little bit of a beating myself up slightly, not too much, but it's just the natural, you know, feeling of just like, damn, how did I let that happen? When in reality, that really wasn't for me to control at all.

[Crystal]

Right.

[Caller Jasir]

So I think that's sort of where I was at least somewhat of a month ago now. I'm just kind of at that point after having some time kind of in that space where I'm trying to just make peace with that situation as it is. Yeah, we're trying to improve, you know, the self talk and just, you know, prioritize other things that we have in terms of goals, hobbies, things to give ourselves look forward to this year.

[Crystal]

Okay, I'm glad to hear that you're out of that space of, like, kind of beating yourself up about it, and maybe now you're moving towards just trying to put a bow on it, resolve it internally, and move forward from here. It's really important that we not blame ourselves for being open to love, that we don't beat ourselves up because we wanted connection, because we yearned for someone else to share our lives and homes and beds and bodies with. Like, that's Normal, natural, human things to do.

[Caller Jasir]

I.

[Crystal]

If you were still in a place of, like, beating yourself up, then I would try to reframe that for you. You know, instead of, ugh, why did I, you know, even let myself like this person? Something like, you know, what I did, I liked someone. I was vulnerable, I was willing. It didn't work out. I'm gonna take some time to myself and I'm gonna get back out there. Better luck next time, you know, that's how I would try to. And that doesn't feel natural for most of us. A lot of us try to look for where we went wrong because we think it'll stop us or prevent us from having our feelings hurt in the future. But this is just part of the risk of dating. It's not always going to work out. Most of the times it won't. It's always going to be relationships, connections where, you know, we can learn something from it, but we don't have to punish ourselves for being willing to be hurt. You know, that is. Unfortunately, that's part of it. You can't love without having some loss. And that is life, sadly. So I'm glad to hear that you are. So, like I said, glad to hear that you're in that better place now. Are you still following him online or monitoring his social media? You are not.

[Caller Jasir]

The day after my birthday, I was like, oh, you had your deadline? No, I think the only time I saw a glimpse of one of his pages, TikTok kind of played a mean game. On Valentine's Day, I was checking through my email and TikTok sees, like, you know, who you follow. And as soon as I saw the name, I was like, oh, you know, actually don't need to see that. So watching my shows and playing Pokemon and move gracefully into my future.

[Crystal]

Okay, wonderful. Because that was going to be my advice that if you are still staying connected to him in any way, it's important to snip that did that because as long as you're still, you know, checking his Instagram stories or whatever else, then that that little connection between the two of you still feels very present and very real. So I'm glad to hear you're not doing that. It sounds like you're just going to need time. So, I mean, I'm all for the video games, the Pokemon, the movies. If you have friends there in Charlotte to hang out with, spending being very deliberate about going out with them and, you know, maybe even getting back on the apps, I don't necessarily see why you shouldn't like, it sounds like you've learned some lessons here. Your feelings are still hurt because you really like this person, and the way he treated you was really unacceptable. So it's okay to be hurt by that. I would just caution you against spending too much time in that hurt. You know, you feel it. You play that Ray album, you play that Alex Isley album, you know, and then you get back out there and you see what's waiting around the corner for you.

[Caller Jasir]

Absolutely. And, you know, once, you know, Beyonce drops the dates for act three, trust me, all this won't go right out of the window.

[Crystal]

So how long can I possibly mourn when Act 3 and Pride are right around the corner?

[Caller Jasir]

Okay. And Atlanta is right down the street, so.

[Crystal]

And Atlanta is right down the street. Yeah, it hurts when things end, but it's millions and millions of other men out here for you to find and engage with and create new connections with. So I'm wishing you the best of luck just here.

[Caller Jasir]

Absolutely. And it was definitely a pleasure to be on. So thank you so much for the advice. You know, I'm just grateful that I finally got to talk to you in person because I've been listening to you probably longer than I should have. But I, you know, I'm between you and the read and just. You've always pushed the conversation about mental health and especially navigating my own black queer identity. Your voice has been very pivotal. You know, my journey as I try to become a licensed architect, Follow my dreams, so, you know, every day, every week. And when I hear that laugh when I tell you, keep me very stable in that office of white folks in the built environment, you really do. So just thank you so much for being there.

[Crystal]

Thank you so much, Jussie. I appreciate the support. Thank you for listening, and thank you for calling into the show. This was an experiment we decided to run, and it's been great. So I'm just honored that we got the chance to spend some time. And hopefully I gave you a little advice that'll help you as you move forward.

[Caller Jasir]

You absolutely did. And I cannot wait to see you and Kif at the live show, because I will be there.

[Crystal]

Okay. Amazing. I'll see you in a few weeks then. Boo.

[Caller Jasir]

All right. Thank you so much for having me. Bye.

[Crystal]

Bye. Oh, man. It sucks when the situation ships in, doesn't it? But sometimes that is how the cookie crumbles. All right, y', all, this was great. I think we gotta do this more often. This call in thing was super fun. I had a great time talking to y' all today. Hopefully you people at home listening and watching on YouTube enjoyed it as well. If you have a question for me, please send me an email. Advicerystlescouch.com we might end up emailing you back and being like, hey, girl, you want to call in and be on the show that is going to wrap up this week's episode? Make sure you follow us at christaliscouch. Our website is chrystalscouch. Com. We'll see you next week.