Session 27: Calling Crissle

Summary

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Crissle’s Couch – Session 27: Calling Crissle

Host: Crissle
Air Date: May 19, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this live advice call-in session, Crissle offers guidance and heartfelt support to listeners facing intimate challenges in friendship, family, and self-worth. The episode features three distinct and emotionally resonant calls: London grappling with a ruptured lifelong friendship, Brittany seeking help for her aunt in an abusive relationship, and Tyler navigating the fallout from a disapproving family member post-breakup. Crissle brings her usual blend of tough love, insight, and cultural awareness, grounding each interaction with empathy and clarity.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. London’s Lifelong Friendship in Crisis

[02:05–18:22]

The Dilemma

• London and her best friend (since 6th grade, now both 32) drift apart after the friend accuses London of spreading a harmful, untrue childhood rumor through her girlfriend.
• The allegation: During a group FaceTime, London’s girlfriend allegedly said London used to go to malls and “beat up bitches and steal shit” as a teen—something both London and her girlfriend vehemently deny.
• London’s friend insists she and her wife both heard it, bringing up London’s past dishonesty about unrelated romantic relationships in their twenties as a “pattern” of lying.
• London is hurt—feeling mischaracterized and stonewalled after her friend refuses to reconcile by phone.

Crissle’s Advice & Reactions

• Crissle questions the logic and reliability of the accusations:

  “So they both heard your girlfriend say this, but you, who were with your girlfriend, did not hear her say this, and your girlfriend doesn’t recall saying it either. Something weird is going on.” – Crissle [04:57]

• Affirms: Not every detail of your love life must be disclosed to friends if it's not their business.
• Suggests potential complicating factors (suspicion around the wife; possible projection or manipulation).
• Advises London to make one last gentle, open-hearted attempt to reconnect, stressing a phone/FaceTime over text:

  “A lot of things can be misconstrued via text… I would send her another text and say, ‘Hey, I would really love to talk to you. Like, I’m not sure what happened here, but you’ve been my best friend since sixth grade. I don’t want us to be in a weird place because of… this FaceTime incident from January. Please let me know when you’re free to talk.’” – Crissle [17:37]

Notable Quotes

• “It feels almost absurd to have to accept things like that.” – Crissle [16:55]
• “For you to think that I’m the person who’s talking bad about you out here in these streets at this big age after all these many years. It really hurt my feelings.” – London [10:44]

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2. Brittany’s Family and Domestic Abuse

[18:49–30:21]

The Dilemma

• Brittany’s aunt has been in a severe, five-year abusive relationship and was hospitalized for head trauma.
• The family, frustrated and burnt out after repeated cycles, has become unsupportive or disengaged.
• Brittany, as a younger niece, wishes to help without overstepping or causing more harm.

Crissle’s Advice & Reactions

• Explains the complexity of abuse: dependency, low self-esteem, shame, and the cyclical nature of leaving and returning.
• Emphasizes the importance of gently expressing concern—ideally with older family members joining as a “unified front” to be taken seriously:

  “I would love it if you could join me… just so she understands that it’s not just me. We love her, we’re concerned for her. And this is a unified front here of family members coming together to say, baby, we’re really worried.” – Crissle [25:04]

• Advises arranging the conversation in a safe space, away from her abuser.
• Reminds: Giving ultimatums and judgment rarely works; instead, focus on listening, empowerment, and patience.
• Warns about the danger and emotional toll on helpers:

  “Supporting someone in a domestic violence relationship is a strain on the, on everybody involved… you also have to be sure you take care of yourself.” – Crissle [29:44]

Notable Quotes

• “She probably doesn’t feel the way about herself as you feel about her… Deep down, there’s something in her that does not feel the same way.” – Crissle [28:03]
• “Trying to strong arm her into leaving is also not gonna work. She has to be ready to do it and it has to be her decision.” – Crissle [29:24]

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3. Tyler’s Aunt and Generational Clashes After a Breakup

[31:02–42:15]

The Dilemma

• Tyler, post-breakup, is deeply hurt when his once-supportive aunt says, “You will never find a man like him,” and doubles down after Tyler expresses his pain.
• The aunt fixates on the ex’s provision and non-abusive traits, dismissing Tyler’s desire for connection and happiness.
• Since this conflict, their previously close bond has grown strained, with “silent treatment” and passive-aggressive comments.
• Tyler wonders whether it’s appropriate to keep distance from such relatives long-term, especially when there’s no accountability.

Crissle’s Advice & Reactions

• Immediately recognizes the aunt’s “male-centered” and generational value system: jobs and non-violence are seen as the bare minimum for a partner.

  “That may be the sky for you, it’s the ground for me.” – Crissle [41:25]

• Attributes aunt’s behavior to projection or possible envy, given her own marriage dynamics.
• Encourages Tyler to weigh the pain of ongoing ambiguity versus the risk of a hurtful confrontation:

  “I would challenge you to ask yourself what hurts more, this kind of weirdo back and forth… versus I tried to talk to you about this, you shut me down again…” – Crissle [39:01]

• Suggests a direct but gentle approach, accepting that closure may simply be clarity, not repair.
• Validates Tyler’s reality and boundaries, underscoring the cultural gap at play.

Notable Quotes

• “It blows my mind that you’re willing to sacrifice your relationship with your niece because I broke up with a man who had a job. But… you are centering your whole being and purpose… does not mean I’m going to live my life that same way.” – Crissle [40:24]
• “Sometimes you just have to be up front, direct and honest about it and let the chips fall where they may. But, hey, you can’t save them all. You got to take care of yourself first and foremost.” – Crissle [42:25]

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Memorable Moments

• Crissle’s blunt incredulity at London’s situation:
  “Something weird is going on.” [04:57]
• Spot-on advice about family support in abuse situations:
  “You probably think, ‘Oh my God, my auntie is so pretty and smart and talented’… Deep down, there’s something in her that does not feel the same way.” [28:03]
• Intergenerational commentary:
  “Even when someone is hurting us, we can sometimes have very strong feelings of attachment… the honeymoon phase.” [22:01]
• Cultural realism:
  “That may be the sky for you, it’s the ground for me.” [41:25]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• London’s Friendship Call: 02:05 – 18:22
• Brittany & Her Aunt’s Abuse: 18:49 – 30:21
• Tyler & the Disapproving Aunt: 31:02 – 42:15

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Crissle’s Tone & Approach

• Unfiltered, direct, and nurturing
• Weds pop cultural realism with therapeutic instincts
• Never judgmental—always rooting for caller agency, healing, and self-care

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Summary for New Listeners

This episode of Crissle’s Couch dramatizes the messy, painful, and often confusing reality of relationships with those closest to us—whether chosen (friends and partners) or inherited (family). Through frank dialogue, sharp insight, and palpable empathy, Crissle unpacks how to advocate for yourself, when to reach back, when to set boundaries, and how to reckon with generational and emotional wounds. The advice is as much about real-world practical steps as it is about granting listeners much-needed validation, relief, and hope for healing.

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Transcript

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[Listener/Caller]

girl. Winter is so last season and now spring's got you looking at pictures of tank tops with hungry eyes. Your algorithm is feeding you cutoffs.

[Advertisement Narrator]

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[Listener/Caller]

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[London]

Done.

[Listener/Caller]

Hoping it looks anything like the picture when you tear open that envelope. It's time for a little in person spring treat.

[Advertisement Narrator]

It's time for a trip to Ross.

[Crystal]

Work your magic. Hi and welcome back to Crystal's Couch, the show where I answer your letters for advice and talk to the most interesting people in the world. Now as you all know, I do have a master's degree in mental health counseling but I am not licensed, I am not a practicing therapist. I just love to give advice. I love to help people out where I can and that's what this show is doing. Now today we are back to answering some of your live calls. Yes, we've tried this out a couple of times. It's been so, so fun. So I am going to dive right in. Let's see who's up first. Well, who am I talking to?

[London]

My name is London.

[Crystal]

Hi London. What's going on?

[London]

So my best friend and I have been best friends since the sixth grade. We're both 32 years old now and last month she randomly texted me, asked me if we could have a private conversation just me and her, no one else around. And she brought brought to my attention that I guess a few months before that myself, my girlfriend, her and her wife, we were on the group facetime and she claims that my girlfriend told her that I said that when we were younger we used to go to the mall and beat up bitches and steal shit. And so, yes, very specific. When she first told me, I thought it was a joke. I laughed it off. But then she went on to explaining me she was very serious, and she knows that it's not true. And she feels. She feels the only way that my girlfriend would have said something like that is if I would have told her that. And she wants to know basically, like, why would I tell her a lie? And, like, she felt that, you know, it brought up a lot of childhood trauma for her, and she felt that I could have possibly lied to my girlfriend about her because we were younger.

[Listener/Caller]

I.

[London]

You know, I. I kind of lied about some relationships that I weren't very proud of at the time to her. But since then, you know, like, I've tried to be a lot more forthcoming, but we haven't talked in about a month, and I'm just not sure what I should do about it.

[Crystal]

Got you. So it was just the four of you on this FaceTime, correct?

[London]

Yes.

[Crystal]

So then how did your girlfriend say this? And you didn't hear it or no one else heard it? Like, I'm confused.

[London]

Okay, well, that's the thing. She claims that her wife did hear it, but my girlfriend and I have no recollection of this whatsoever. Like, I. I don't remember it, but this phone call probably took place around, like, January or February. So it was a while ago, but I just don't recall ever saying that because it's not true. I mean, that's, like, the basis of it. It's really not true.

[Crystal]

Right. So her wife told her, hey, London's girlfriend said that when y' all were younger, y' all used to go to the mall and beat bitches up, apparently.

[London]

Well, we were all for on that call.

[Crystal]

Right.

[London]

Apparently both of them heard it at the same time.

[Crystal]

So they both heard your girlfriend say this, but you, who were with your girlfriend, did not hear her say this, and your girlfriend doesn't recall saying it either.

[London]

Correct. Yes.

[Crystal]

Something weird is going on.

[London]

I know it's very weird. And I. Me and like, I said, me and my best friend have legit been best friends since the sixth grade. Like, we need. We know the story of how we met. Like, we grew up together. We even grew up, like, in the same neighborhood at one point. Like, this is my this, my ace boom coon. Like, this, my gotcha, you know? Like, so we have had disagreements in the past, and we're usually able to talk about them and kind of move forward and. But this time when we tried to talk about it, Again, there was just no resolve because she is very clear that she feels like it was said and she feels like I'm the source it came from. Okay. And I personally am extremely offended that she thinks that I would lie on her to anybody.

[Crystal]

Right. So when you said that there were some incidents in your earlier 20s where you kind of lied. Tell me a little bit more about that.

[London]

Um, so when I was. I mean, I don't really have no problem saying it. It's just an interesting situation. So the first one, I mean, it's part. It's bad. When I was like, 20, 21, I did date a dude who was 32. And so it's just a really extreme age gap. He also had two kids. So I just wasn't very forthcoming about that information to anybody, though. It wasn't like I was very open with all my other friends and I left her out the loop. It was kind of like no one found out until we realized that he actually had an age appropriate girlfriend. And that's, like, when it came out.

[Crystal]

Yeah, got you. Okay.

[London]

And my second situation, I was also in my 20s. I enjoyed my 20s a lot. And I was in a poly relationship. I was a unicorn for a married couple.

[Crystal]

Oh, I know. That's right.

[London]

I did not tell her that she actually found out because the wife posted a picture in a group and someone in that group saw it and sent it to my best friend. So that's like, how she found out about that one.

[Crystal]

Okay, so were any of these people, like, her exes, her cousins?

[London]

No, they were people she did not know at all. Like, it's no connection to her. The issue was that, like, I didn't tell her. The things I did tell her were like, more like half truth just to kind of like keep her off my back too much. So she was really hurt that the fact that I didn't feel comfortable sharing, like, the whole truth with her about those relationships.

[Crystal]

Okay, well, I mean, I can understand that to a certain extent, but I also don't think you owe anybody full disclosure of your romantic relationships. Especially if it's not. Like I said, if you're not dating her ex or her daddy or something, then I don't think it really matters. Like, I don't think you have to disclose that information anyway. So I wouldn't. I would maybe consider that more like if you gave her half truths when answering certain questions, maybe that's a little suspect. But I would not call this, you know, some pattern of lying based off, you know, and based off of that, I Now think that you may have lied to your girlfriend, who then spread repeated that lie on a FaceTime that I, I keep coming back to the. We were all present on the FaceTime and yet the two of you claim that something was said that we did not say and don't remember hearing. Like, this is my first time hearing about.

[London]

Exactly. And like, when we, When I said that, I was like, you know, my girlfriend is very sarcastic. Like, she's not everyone's cup of tea. So she does make jokes sometimes that I think are funny that other people don't think are funny. And I, and I even said. I was like, well, if she did say it, it was probably a joke because, like, again, this is my best. My best friend since the sixth grade. I grew up in the south, and I have very traditional Southern black parents. Whatever you think that is, that's what I have. I was not going nowhere when I was a kid. I wasn't allowed to do a lot of things, to have a lot of friends, things like that. Like, that's not how they wanted to raise us. And that's very well known for anyone who is my friend, especially for her, particularly because they didn't even want me and her to be friends. And so, like, I. And I reminded her that, too, because she was saying that, you know, people in her life as she's growing up have assumed certain things about her because of, like, where she's from and, like, her mom is a single mother. And like, things that are outside of her control, they have made unfair assumptions about her, which I 100% agree and think that that's wrong. But I reminded her, like, that's the whole thing about our friendship. Like, I've never felt that way about you. I've never made these types of assumptions about you. I've defended you to my family, my friends, other friends who have even said that they feel like our relationship maybe isn't mutual. So it's like, for me for you to think that I'm the person who's talking bad about you out here in these streets at this big age after all these many years. It really hurt my feelings. I really got upset. She's really upset because in her mind, this is true. And she said that she felt like our previous conversation left her feeling gaslit and crazy and that it comes off like she's making things up about me and my girlfriend. And I'm like, well, yeah, that is how it comes off. It comes off crazy. It comes off like, you're questioning my character. You're questioning Our friendship, like, what's up, girl?

[Crystal]

Right. So what is your relationship like with your, with your friend's wife? Have you two ever had any kind of conflict?

[London]

So that's the thing. My friend and her wife met, dated and got married all within a year. So I have not had the pleasure of actually speaking. You.

[Crystal]

It's okay.

[London]

I've not had the pleasure of meeting her just yet. Like I said, I live, I live in a different state. So I did go home this past August for about like three and a half weeks and I was not able to meet her then either. When we've had like some FaceTime chats, like as a group, nothing one on one. But she's not extremely involved in the conversations, which I didn't, I don't have a problem with because I'm not your wife. You know, like, I would love to meet you and know you, but from what I've heard about her, it's all been positive things. So I don't have an issue with her and I don't believe she has an issue with me.

[Crystal]

Okay. I'm just wondering if you suspect that maybe your friend is being abused somehow by this person. I'm really trying to figure out why your friend would be so dead set on believing that you said, said this or that she heard it. Like, I was, I was wondering if maybe she, her wife said this to her and she's like, oh, well, now that you said it, I did hear that. Like, I'm, I'm really having trouble understanding this whole London lied about, you know, the things we used to do when we were kids kind of situation. So I'm just trying to find anything that can help me make sense of that situation.

[London]

I mean, I feel like there's really not much to make sense of.

[Crystal]

Okay, okay.

[London]

But that's why I need some help. Because I don't know if this is something that I should just be like, you know what? I guess our friendship is a wash. Or if I should reach out or if I should just wait to see if she reaches out and be receptive if she does.

[Crystal]

Right. Well, if it's been a month and you still haven't heard from her,

[London]

who,

[Crystal]

who reached out last? I hate to play this game, but

[London]

I reached out last. It wasn't a very friendly message. I will say that. Like, we were in a text back exchange.

[Crystal]

Okay.

[London]

But I, before, before we started texting, I, I had asked her if we could talk. She was like, if it's about what we talked about the other day, I don't want to keep it going. But then she proceeded to talk about it via text, and I was like, well, I don't think we should talk about this via text. Like, so. Yeah, okay.

[Crystal]

And when you asked her about, you know, like, why would you even believe that I would seriously say something like that? She was like, oh, well. Cause you lied about them other relationships when you was 20 something.

[London]

Basically, yes.

[Crystal]

Okay. Oh, this. This one's hard because y' all have been such close friends since childhood, and so. Right. The idea of letting that go behind something that sounds so. I can't even wrap my mind around how ridiculous this sounds. London. Like, what do you mean? I can completely understand your frustration. Cause this sounds ridiculous. Like, why would I say that? And why would that. Even if my girlfriend did say that, why would that be construed as anything other than a joke? Why would that. Why would you take that so seriously that you were now questioning our friendship behind it? Like, nothing about it, about this dynamic or this situation is really making sense to me. And I think if I were in your shoes, I would feel so frustrated and confused.

[London]

I am. I'm really frustrated. I'm very confused. I'm really hurt. Like, I'm. I don't have, like, a whole bunch of friends, you know? Like, I felt like as you get older, you start seeing, like, who's really there for you, who's not. I have lost friends as I've grown up. I feel like that's just, like, you know, part of life sometimes. But never would I imagine that me and her wouldn't be friends. Like, we've been making plans about our adult life since we met and how they would, you know, intertwine and, you know, just how we would always keep our relationship strong and keep our friendship going no matter what. Like, we've seen other people's friendships break up, so it's really hurtful. And it also just offended me. Cause I'm like. I feel like you're, like, questioning my character, like, who I am. You think that I'm a liar, and you think that I was stooped so low to lie on you out of all people. Right?

[Crystal]

Why would I say that? Why would I say that to my girlfriend about you and this whole, you know, you said it on FaceTime, but we don't remember saying it. And both of y' all swear that you do. It's just something about that sounds very fishy. I'm kind of side eyeing her wife here, and I'm not entirely sure why. I just. The wife is giving me Sketchy vibes for some reason. But I think. I actually don't think this is too much in your court at this point. Like, you were the last one to reach out. You said, I think we should have a conversation. Not a text message back and forth, but a conversation about this, which I think is a good idea. A lot of things can be misconstrued via text tone especially, or sometimes context, things like that. And it just takes away the humanness, some of that human factor of communicating with people that we really love. So I think for a serious allegation, I guess, even though it sounds silly to me, is serious because of how it's affecting your relationship with her. So I think a phone call, a FaceTime or a regular phone call between just you and your friend is a good idea, but if she's not willing to do that, I mean, I think your hands are kind of tied. Even though this. It feels almost absurd to have to accept things like that. So I would send her another text and say, hey, I would really love to talk to you. Like, I'm not sure what happened here, but you've been my best friend since sixth grade. I don't want us to be in a weird place because of, you know, this FaceTime incident from January. Please let me know when you're free to talk. I would send a message like that and then see how she responds to it.

[London]

Okay. All right. Thank you, Crystal.

[Crystal]

I'm sorry, London. This is. I cannot even tell you how irritated I would be if I was in this dynamic.

[London]

It's crazy. It's wild. But I appreciate the advice, and hopefully, you know, we're able to salvage our friendship.

[Crystal]

Yes, I hope you are. Best of luck to you.

[London]

Thank you.

[Crystal]

Oh, my goodness. Thank you for calling.

[London]

Bye.

[Crystal]

Bye. Oh, wow, man. Sometimes you just end up in situations with people, and it's like, bestie. I don't. I don't know how we got here, but I'm just trying to fix it. Let me know if you open to fixing it. All right, good luck, London. Let me see who's next on the party line.

[Brittany]

Hi, my name's Brittany.

[Crystal]

Hi, Brittany. What's going on? Hi, Crystal.

[Brittany]

My aunt has been in an abusive relationship for about, I want to say, like, five years now. It's pretty bad.

[Crystal]

Okay.

[Brittany]

So this last encounter that she has had with him, she's had to be put into the hospital for about, like, five days. She, like, suffered, like, really bad head trauma. It was really bad. My family is not really too supportive of her right now. In what ways? Could I be supportive to her as a younger niece?

[Crystal]

Okay, well, abusive situations are always tricky because there's a lot of different factors at play. When someone we love is being abused, does she share a home with this person? Yes, she does. Okay. And it sounds like the entire family knows what's going on.

[Brittany]

Yes. So her siblings that are like, close to her, they all know, but they're really not supportive of her at all.

[Crystal]

When you say they're not supportive, do you mean they don't like her or they've tried to help and it hasn't worked? Like, can you be a little bit more specific?

[Brittany]

So, like, her older brother has tried multiple times to have her, like, move out of that situation, just find a job, just kind of just better herself all around. And my aunt is in a place where she. She's stuck in a way where she just doesn't see that for herself. And my uncle is just like, all right, well, I'm done. You know, all. All communication is done. If you need help, then, you know, you need to go ask somebody else. I've done all I can do.

[Crystal]

Okay. Okay. May I ask how old your aunt is?

[Brittany]

She is 43.

[Crystal]

43. Okay.

[Listener/Caller]

So.

[Crystal]

And it sounds like this person that she's in a relationship with, they also support her financially. She doesn't work?

[Brittany]

No, she does not work.

[Crystal]

Okay. So she's dependent in this situation as well as being abused. And people who are in abusive dynamics already tend to not think very highly of themselves. They tend to not have very good self esteem or a very low sense of self worth. So that coupled with being dependent for housing and food and life on another person can make it very hard to leave. Do you know whether your aunt has tried to leave before?

[Brittany]

I feel like she's tried. She came to see her siblings and she's tried to say, okay, I'm gonna stay up here and, you know, get my life together. But I feel like, you know, once he calls or reaches out, she just goes right back and then it's into this cycle all over again.

[London]

Yeah.

[Crystal]

Yes. Unfortunately, that is part of the abusive dynamic. It's about power and control. And they prob. Go through this cycle many times where the partner kind of calls her, begs for forgiveness, promises things will be different or that something will change or. Or your aunt is out on her own or trying to be out on her own, and she realizes how hard it is, especially in this economy, to try to make something work. And, you know, there's also the fact that even when someone is hurting us, we can Sometimes have very strong feelings of attachment to them. We can still love them very deeply even though they are abusing us and hurting us. So that, yeah, it sounds like after there's violence or some sort of attack, there's this period of, like, honeymoon phase. Everything is good, Everything seems chill and sweet. And maybe your aunt is kind of deep down hoping that that person, that version of her partner, will stick around. But five years of this sort of cycle, I think is indicative that this is who this person is. And so have you ever tried to talk to your aunt about this?

[Brittany]

I have tried to, and I tried not to make it. If this makes any sense, I tried not to make it. So heavy our relationship is. She sees me as her younger niece. I've always been that to her. So it is kind of hard for me to kind of talk to her and, you know, say, in a way, how do you need help? How can I help you? When she's usually the one that, like, reaches out to me to be like, how's my niece doing? What are you doing? Or, you know, things like that. So the dynamic is kind of. It's different for me, and I'm kind of having a tough time with that just because of our relationship.

[Crystal]

Yeah. Oh, that makes sense. Okay. So do you feel like your auntie would listen to you if you said, hey, you know, I'm. I'm really concerned about you. I love you so much, and, you know, you've been in the hospital. I'm really worried about your safety. Do you think she would listen, be in a place to really hear you out, or would she be like, you, my baby niece, don't try to get involved in grown people business type thing?

[Brittany]

I feel like she would listen because I know she loves me and I know she, you know, she thinks, like, what I say is important, but I think on the other side, Crystal, she'll call, like, an uncle and be like, why, Brittany? Try to call me and tell me about X, Y and Z. Like, I feel like she would be receptive to it. But on the other hand, she would be like, this is still Brittany. Like, this is still my younger niece that is just starting out in her relationships and starting out in her journey. So in a way, like, who are you to tell me that's how I feel like it would go?

[Crystal]

Yeah, I was concerned that that may be the case. Do you think you can recruit one of these uncles to kind of join your team before you have this conversation?

[Brittany]

I think I could do that. I think I could.

[Crystal]

So what I would do is reach out to someone closer to her own age or older who you can say, listen, I'm worried about auntie. You know, her being in the hospital, head trauma or whatever else. Like, it sounds like the abuse is getting worse, and she may be in more and more danger as time progresses. And I know that, you know, it's been. This is something you could say to your uncle or whoever else. I know it's been challenging to try to support her in leaving this abusive situation, but I really want to reach out to her to have this conversation and for her to take me seriously. So I would love it if you could join me on this group FaceTime or group Zoom or whatever, just so she understands that it's not just me. We love her, we're concerned for her. And this is a unified front here of family members coming together to say, baby, we're really worried.

[Brittany]

Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. I definitely can have one of her brothers, like me and him can just talk and kind of connect and kind of reach out to her. It's just really concerning.

[Crystal]

Yeah. Yeah. And that makes complete sense. So I would definitely say do it at a time where she is not at the house. I don't know if you all are in the same city, if maybe you. If she's still in the hospital or something like that, where you all can visit her there. I don't know that that's the best idea. But trying to plan the conversation, if you all can take her to lunch or something like that, someplace where it's safe and confidential, where she won't have to, like, whisper or hurry up and get off the phone if he comes home or they come home and really take the time to listen. People who are on the receiving end of domestic violence tend to already carry a lot of shame about it. And the fact that it's gotten to the point where everybody knows what's going on with your aunt because she has to be hospitalized and receive medical treatment for it, the internal shame could be really overwhelming for her. So try to approach the conversation with as little judgment or anger or frustration as possible. And it may be helpful for you to remember that your auntie probably doesn't feel the way about herself as you feel about her. You probably think, oh, my God, my auntie is so pretty and smart and talented, and she can do this and that, and she's such a great person, and she deserves so much better. Deep down, there's something in her that does not feel the same way. There's very likely a piece of her that believes she deserves the violence, that she can't do better than this person, that if she would only straighten up and fly right, then it wouldn't be so bad. Or everybody is gonna treat me this way, so I might as well stay with the person I know or it's too hard for me to leave. I can't do it without them. There could be all sorts of wrong beliefs that your auntie has about herself. So remind her of the good things, her beautiful traits and the good qualities about herself. Tell her how much you love her, how concerned you are for her life, for her safety. Let her know that you'll be there if she needs support with leaving, but also understand that you can't force it either. Trying to strong arm her into leaving is also not gonna work. She has to be ready to do it and it has to be her decision. So be patient. Trying to empower her, trying to get her to believe good things about herself is probably gonna be the that you can do here because it sounds like her, her self esteem is, has been decimated. And maybe that was way before this relationship. Maybe that's as a result of this relationship. But yes, I think your, your best bet is, you know, and if you can take notes from what I've just said, you can Google like how to talk to a loved one in an abusive relationship. There's a lot of great resources online, but I think your best bet is gonna be to make sure you get somebody else on your page so that she takes it more seriously. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. You also have to be sure you take care of yourself. Like supporting someone in a domestic violence relationship is a strain on the, on everybody involved. And it's hard to see someone you love going back to a situation over and over again that is so terrible for them. Remember that oftentimes leaving is the most dangerous thing you can do. It can be the most dangerous time in the relationship. So just try to be patient with your auntie. Remind her of how much she is loved and cherished and valued.

[Brittany]

I thank you so much for your advice, Crystal.

[Crystal]

You're welcome, Brittany. I really, I pray so hard that it works out for you all.

[Brittany]

Thank you.

[Crystal]

Thank you. Bye bye. Oh, man, that really breaks my heart because so often when we know that our friends or loved ones are being mistreated, what we want to do is fly off the handle and be pissed and be like that motherfucker, better not ever, blah, blah, blah. And you know, I get that that's my first inclination too. But we have to kind of push past that initial response and think about how best we can emotionally support our loved ones. So sending Brittany and her family all the best. All right, who's next?

[Listener/Caller]

Hi, Crystal. My name is Tyler, and I've been a fan of the read. So I'm really happy that you created this space for honest conversations. So I'm coming to the couch.

[Crystal]

Thank you so much, Tyler.

[Brittany]

Thank you.

[Listener/Caller]

In 2022, I went through a really difficult breakup after a three, three year relationship. During the ups and downs, I often leaned on my aunt for support. She was someone that I talked to regularly and trusted as the sounding board. When the relationship finally ended, I told her we broken up. And her response caught me off guard. She said, you will never find a man like him. And I told her that I didn't want to. She responded negatively, continuing to say that I made a mistake. I was really hurting. So that response really stung. I later told her that what she said hurt my feelings. And she essentially said that she didn't care and she would do it or say it again. Since then, our relationship has changed a lot. We used to talk almost every day, but now I don't really share personal things with her, and we're not close in the same way anymore. So my question is, how do you navigate relationships with people who were once a source of support but showed they couldn't be there for you in a difficult moment? Is it okay to keep the distance long term, or is there value when trying to repair things, even when the other person hasn't taken accountability?

[Crystal]

Oh, wow, Tyler. Okay, another auntie. Hmm. So what is it about your ex that made her say, oh, you'll never find anybody like him?

[Listener/Caller]

Oh, he. He's a good man. Air quotations, lies. She said, like, he didn't. He didn't hit you. He didn't beat on you. He has money. That was the thing. He's. He had money, but I was bored. I wasn't happy. Yeah, and that's a bigger thing for me. Instead of the money, Auntie was like,

[Crystal]

look, girl, he don't beat on you. And he got money. What else do you want? And you, like, love a connection. Chemistry, right?

[Listener/Caller]

Exactly, Exactly. That's what I wanted. But she was really focused on the financial things because, like, if I needed something, he would get it for me. He would provide that for me.

[Crystal]

Okay. Did he buy things for her too?

[Listener/Caller]

No. Okay.

[Crystal]

I'm like, what? It sound like she want his number.

[Listener/Caller]

Hell, did you like, girl, you want his number, right? Right.

[Crystal]

I'll give it to you.

[Listener/Caller]

Sorry. No, I didn't do that.

[Crystal]

Oh, man. So how long ago was this?

[Listener/Caller]

We. It's been like four years since we broke up.

[Crystal]

Four years. Okay.

[Listener/Caller]

It's been a while. It's been a while. Yeah.

[Crystal]

You know, it's one thing to say, you'll never find another version of this man, like which there are plenty of men out here who don't hit and have a job, so I wouldn't even go that far, but for her to be like, yeah, well, I don't care. I'll do it again. I can see why you're like, damn. I feel like I can't even talk to you now because why would you be so dismissive of how I feel in favor of this man that you don't know and have no connection to outside of me? Like, that's. That's concerning.

[London]

What.

[Crystal]

Do you know much about your aunt's dating life? Is she married?

[Listener/Caller]

She's married. She's been married for over 30 years. She's in her early 60s.

[Crystal]

Okay.

[London]

So.

[Listener/Caller]

So, yeah.

[Crystal]

Okay. And is her husband the provider type?

[Listener/Caller]

Ooh, I guess I never really thought about. Is he a provider type? I mean, financially, she makes more money than he does, but there we go. There.

[Brittany]

That's.

[Listener/Caller]

That's a really interesting question. I may have to

[Brittany]

think.

[Listener/Caller]

I never thought about him as a provider.

[Crystal]

Yeah. I'm. I'm wondering if your auntie is projecting, basically, and probably thinking if I could find somebody in his 60s who made more than me, girl, it ain't nothing that would get me up off of that, man. That's what I'm hearing. I'm hearing. You know, I wish basically that I could be in that position. And there are quite a few in her early 60s. That means she's what, gen? Like an older Gen X or maybe a really young boomer. Yeah. So that. I'm not shocked to hear that from women of that generation. Like, and even, you know, just as we age, sometimes our priorities can shift. But, yes, it sounds like your auntie's being really dismissive because she thinks that your values should be different. And did you. How old are. How old are you, Tyler?

[Listener/Caller]

I'm 36.

[Crystal]

36. Okay. So very much grown and old enough to know what you want out of a relationship and don't.

[Listener/Caller]

Yes. Very gross. Yes.

[Crystal]

Right. And it's been four years since you've broken up. You never thought, man, I should call that boy who didn't cheat and had a job again.

[Listener/Caller]

I have not. It's Been great. I'm still single, but I'm so much happier than I was when I was with him.

[Crystal]

Well, you know, would you describe your auntie as like, male centered?

[Listener/Caller]

Yes, I would say she's male centered. And I will also say that, you know, since our relationship has changed,

[London]

I

[Listener/Caller]

would even say that she's, like, acting out. Like, she has ignored me in like, family conversations. Like, I'm at the table and she'll talk around me. She has said things like meeting my friends. Like, oh, I know you haven't heard anything about me. Like, when she's meeting a new friend or like, no, I'm not the mom. I was fired years ago. Like, she's been saying some really slick things. It's a lot, Crystal. It really is a lot. So that's why I'm like, here. Like, help me understand. But the male center part and the provider part, that's something to explore for sure.

[London]

Yeah.

[Crystal]

Because I'm thinking that may. I mean, of course it doesn't excuse this weirdo behavior, but it does explain it. Um, so I. This is strange because it would be one thing to just try to figure out how to deal with an auntie who, you know, said something like this, but now she's also acting weird towards you, like talking around you at the dinner table or something. It's like, are you mad at me for breaking up with this boy four years ago? Are you serious?

[Listener/Caller]

Right?

[Crystal]

Like, does she have an attitude with you? Does she feel like you made such a huge mistake that, what, now you don't want to be close to your niece no more? Is that really what we doing?

[Listener/Caller]

Yeah, it's like, it's like ups and downs where she has moments where she's not talking to me and then other moments where it's like, we're great, everything's fine.

[Crystal]

Oh, no.

[London]

Yeah.

[Crystal]

How do you feel about saying, girl, what is it? Like, what's really going on? Cuz you being real sometime with me for the past four years behind that one little boy. So, like, what is it for real?

[Listener/Caller]

So I thought about it, but it's like, I don't want to get hurt again by her. Like, I don't want to put myself in another vulnerable position to say, you know, like, what's going on for her to say something else that hurts me like she did before.

[Crystal]

Yeah, well, I would. I would challenge you to ask yourself what hurts more, this kind of weirdo back and forth. Sometimes things are cool, sometimes they're not. But I never really know what energy I'm Going to get from you versus I tried to talk to you about this, you shut me down again. Or you made me feel small or like my feelings or my thoughts don't matter again. And so from there I'm able to make a clearer decision about what kind of dynamic I want to have with you. I think that's something you should really talk to yourself about. Maybe spend a little time thinking about which one is more tolerable because it may be that you would rather do the back and forth and sometimes it's cool and sometimes it's not. It's really up to you. But I think I would recommend just trying to flat out have the conversation, if only so you can say, okay, things were strange, I gave it a lot of time, you kept being weird, I brought it up again, and then you once again reacted in a juvenile or immature or childish way about it. Because this is your aunt. She's got almost 30 years on you. You would think she would be able to take a look at herself and her behavior and be like, wow, I'm really pushing away my niece because she made a dating decision that I didn't agree with. I'm being a little ridiculous and hot headed about this. But it could be that just flat out being like, auntie, the vibe has been off for years, like, what's really going on? It could be that that doesn't go well and still brings you a sense of closure. Like, okay, I have to shut the door on hoping that one day she's gonna go back to being herself. Not saying that she can't do that, but we have to sort of let the hope get back down to realistic levels of like, I have to accept you as you are. And it blows my mind that you're willing to sacrifice your relationship with your niece because I broke up with a man who had a job. But like, I just. Because you are centering your whole being and purpose and you think men are just, you know, God's greatest gift and they're so important and special and all this to you does not mean I'm going to live my life, my life that same way. And I want more than just employed and non abusive. Like, that may be the sky for you, it's the ground for me.

[Listener/Caller]

Yes.

[Crystal]

Anything else, Tyler?

[Listener/Caller]

Crystal, I think that's enough, thank you.

[Crystal]

I'm sorry if I, like came at your Annie a little hard, but this is ridiculous.

[Listener/Caller]

No, yeah, I agree. So I'm definitely gonna let my mom hear this conversation because.

[Crystal]

Yes, yes, let your mama hear it and get her opinion on it, because, like, think about what you're really doing here. Auntie, are you really pushing me away behind this boy? Really?

[Listener/Caller]

Right?

[Crystal]

Like, come on, man. We can't let it go that far.

[Listener/Caller]

Agreed? Agreed. Agreed.

[Crystal]

Oh. All right, Tyler, good luck. I hope your mama's on your side. Me, too.

[London]

Thanks.

[Crystal]

All right. Thanks, babe. Good luck. Bye. Bye. Oh, man, it can be so hard with older family members who just don't share our values when it comes to dating and things like this, y'.

[London]

All.

[Crystal]

But, you know, just like, Tyler, if you're in a similar situation, sometimes you just have to be upfront, direct and honest about it and let the chips fall where they may. But, hey, you can't save them all. You got to take care of yourself first and foremost. That is going to wrap up this week's episode of Chrysalis Couch. Thank you so much to everyone who dialed in today. If you would like to chat with me, send me an email. Advicerystlescouch.com we'll see you next week.