Session 30 ft. Jade

Summary

Crissle’s Couch: Session 30 ft. Jade

Host: Crissle
Guest: Jade
Date: June 9, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this heartfelt and unfiltered advice session, Crissle welcomes fan-favorite Jade back to the couch. Together they tackle four deeply personal listener letters dealing with family responsibilities, betrayal by a parent, friendship fallouts, and escaping an abusive marriage. The episode is rich with lived experience, hard truths, laughter, and support, balancing tough love with genuine care. Crissle and Jade’s chemistry shines as they blend cultural critique, personal storytelling, and straight-shooting advice—reminding listeners that while this isn’t therapy, it comes with real healing energy.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

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1. Family Caregiver Guilt

Letter from: “Mikayla Angela Davis. Angela Davis”
Topics: Moving out of a caregiving role, guilt, Black family responsibility, siblings and shared duties.

• Summary:
  Mikayla is a 29-year-old Black woman ready to move in with her boyfriend but feels guilty leaving her mother—her father's primary caregiver—behind. She wonders how to handle this transition without abandoning her family responsibilities.

• Insights:

  • Crissle and Jade affirm that guilt is understandable but emphasize self-care:

    “Just because I’m moving out doesn’t mean I’m no longer gonna be a help to the family.” (Crissle, 06:50)

  • Jade stresses you can support your mother in “little ways”—sending groceries, visiting regularly:

    “There’s nothing wrong with you leaving to go be in your own space… You’re not about to leave your mother high and dry.” (Jade, 07:29)

  • Discussion of gender expectations—challenging the assumption that sons can’t step up as primary helpers.
  • Crissle shares her personal experience with her own mother’s illness, highlighting the logistics and emotions of long-distance caregiving.
  • Advice to approach the transition with empathy for all involved but to avoid sacrificing personal growth or happiness:

    “Taking care of your parents is not actually an obligation—it’s something you do because you want to.” (Crissle, 11:54)

• Memorable moment:
  The hosts swap stories about changing demographics in Brooklyn, with humor and shared nostalgia (04:52-05:14).

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2. Betrayal by a Parent After Sexual Assault

Letter from: “Mariah”
Topics: Sexual assault, maternal betrayal, emotional boundaries, cycles of trauma.

• Summary:
  Mariah details lifelong sexual harassment and assault, including by her mother’s partners. Her mother maintains relationships with Mariah’s abusers, despite knowing what happened. Mariah asks whether to cut her mother off completely.

• Insights:

  • Crissle and Jade respond with profound empathy and anger toward Mariah’s mother:

    “I’m feeling an extreme anger towards your mother right now. At no point did any of her decisions make sense.” (Crissle, 17:05)

  • They diagnose the mother’s behavior as both deeply immature and emotionally stunted:

    “Your mother is clearly emotionally...she’s an emotional child.” (Jade, 17:36)

  • The hosts discuss the emotional complexity of “grieving a living parent” and the societal pressure to maintain those familial bonds.
  • Jade introduces the metaphor of a toxic mother as a “load-bearing beam”—sometimes the foundation needs to be replaced for the structure (your life) to be safe.
  • Strong guidance to prioritize Mariah’s safety and healing:

    “You don’t deserve to continuously subject yourself to being hurt by her just so you can say you have a parent in your life. Some of us are better off without.” (Crissle, 29:57)

  • They encourage community, support groups, and therapy; acknowledge the rage and sadness as valid.

• Memorable quotes and moments:

  • Jade, unleashing righteous anger:

    “Your mother is a rotten, selfish, nasty ass fucking bitch. I could put hands and motherfucking feet on her because this is rotten.” (Jade, 27:15)

  • Both hosts wrestle with how incomprehensible it is for a parent to betray a child in this way.

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3. Friendship Fallout and Closure

Letter from: “Hannah spelled backwards is Hannah”
Topics: Friendship boundaries, group dynamics, personal reflection, closure.

• Summary:
  Hannah is struggling to move on from a friend group that distanced themselves after she reacted poorly to being left out of plans. She frequently dreams about rekindling the friendship and asks for advice on closure.

• Insights:

  • Crissle gently but firmly points out that Hannah came on too strong in attempting to fast-track the friendship:

    “You’re having recurring dreams about them because you know you were wrong…” (Crissle, 39:51)

  • Jade, always direct, diagnoses the social dynamic:

    “If you would have pressed up on me in the same way...I too would have boot bayed you.” (Jade, 37:50)

  • They encourage Hannah to let friendships grow organically and reflect on why she might fear being left out.
  • The importance of giving a sincere apology to find peace and move on:

    “I think your conscience will leave you alone, and these dreams about them will chill once you give a full, complete, genuine apology.” (Crissle, 41:41)

  • They empathize with the pain of exclusion but stress that connection can’t be forced—take the lesson, adjust, and look forward.

• Memorable moment:
  The hosts riff on TV tropes and exaggerated recreations of friend group dynamics—complete with Sister, Sister references and playful roasts (44:01-44:49).

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4. Escaping Financial and Emotional Abuse in Marriage

Letter from: “Nara Smith”
Topics: Financial control, religious gender roles, building an exit plan, finding support.

• Summary:
  Nara, a stay-at-home mom, endures a controlling husband who denies her autonomy, weaponizes finances, and only accepts sexual “apologies.” She’s quietly saving and preparing for the “Great Escape,” but feels isolated and wonders how to start therapy and if it’s confidential.

• Insights:

  • Crissle and Jade identify the situation as clear financial and emotional abuse:

    “You are being financially abused. But it sounds like you already know that.” (Crissle, 50:37)

  • Encouragement to continue saving and commending her resourcefulness in building credit and a financial safety net:

    “I am so proud of you for recognizing that it’s fucked up and making moves to get you and your children out of it.” (Crissle, 63:47)

  • Advice for seeking therapy: use cash, look outside the religious community, prioritize confidential, licensed professionals.
  • They stress the importance of having friends and support networks, recommending organizations (like the Aseya Women’s Center) for women in similar situations.
  • The dangers and complexities of leaving an abusive partner are acknowledged, along with the need for caution and strategic planning.
  • Personal anecdotes underscore the gravity but also offer hope—survival, escape, and community are possible.

• Memorable moments:

  • Jade’s “mirror” test of friendship sincerity and the comedic riff about hiding money:

    “You don’t tell no nigga all the money that you got…You always put something aside for yourself.” (Jade, 62:48)

  • Both hosts express a mix of maternal pride and genuine concern for Nara’s safety and future happiness.

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote/Context | |-----------|---------|---------------| | 06:50 | Crissle | “Just because I’m moving out doesn’t mean I’m no longer gonna be a help to the family.” | | 07:29 | Jade | “There’s nothing wrong with you leaving to go be in your own space… You’re not about to leave your mother high and dry.” | | 17:05 | Crissle | “I’m feeling an extreme anger towards your mother right now. At no point did any of her decisions make sense.” | | 27:15 | Jade | “Your mother is a rotten, selfish, nasty ass fucking bitch. I could put hands and motherfucking feet on her because this is rotten.” | | 29:57 | Crissle | “You don’t deserve to continuously subject yourself to being hurt by her just so you can say you have a parent in your life. Some of us are better off without…” | | 39:51 | Crissle | “You’re having recurring dreams about them because you know you were wrong…” | | 50:37 | Crissle | “You are being financially abused. But it sounds like you already know that.” | | 62:48 | Jade | “You don’t tell no nigga all the money that you got…You always put something aside for yourself.” | | 63:47 | Crissle | “I am so proud of you for recognizing that it’s fucked up and making moves to get you and your children out of it.” |

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Segment Timestamps

| Segment | Start | Key Moments & Topics | |---------------|-------|------------------------------| | Family Guilt | 02:50 | Mikayla’s letter, Caregiving, Sibling roles, Moving out | | Betrayal | 14:24 | Mariah’s story, Maternal betrayal, Sexual assault, Boundaries | | Friendships | 33:29 | Friendship fallout, Inclusion, Apologizing, Social dynamic | | Marriage/Escape| 48:47| Financial/emotional abuse, Preparation to leave, Therapy confidentiality, Building support |

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Final Thoughts

Consistently candid, caring, and culturally attuned, Crissle’s Couch Session 30 is a testament to the power of honest community advice. Crissle and Jade model vulnerability, boundary-setting, and hard-won wisdom, providing both comfort and practical strategies for listeners in crisis or transition. From group chat faux-pas to surviving maternal betrayal and plotting exhilarating escapes, the episode is a dynamic reminder: healing often starts with being truly seen and heard.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[B]

Hi and welcome to Chrystal's Couch, the show where I answer your letters for advice and talk to the most interesting people in the world. We are back to answering your letters the old school, old fashioned way. Which means Jada Valjez is back in the studio. How are you, sister?

[A]

Oh, I'm well. Your favorite abuelita is here.

[B]

Yes, a girl. Nixon, 5, 4, 6. I don't know what's going on.

[A]

Now listen, I know you all have been having all these beautiful guests that you're looking at. Yeah, they've been coming in with the beats. You've been having the sexy Ladies, please don't start all of the things, you know what I'm saying? I just kind of whisked into the room like a cool breeze.

[B]

Okay, all right.

[A]

But Nixon 5.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You know what I'm saying? Mexico, we up. I don't know. And niggas is in the building. Thank you for having me.

[B]

Of course. It's always a pleasure to have you. The people absolutely adore you. So.

[A]

Wow, that's such a.

[B]

Had to bring my sister back to get back into some of these ladies. Everybody don't want to do live calls. A lot of people was like, girl, no, don't read my email. In fact, have Jade Read it and have her jazz up my fake name if you want to. So do you want to name Sugar? You don't have to, but we can dive right into the mailbox as soon as you read with our first letter. All right.

[A]

Our first letter comes from Mikayla Angela Davis.

[B]

Angela Davis.

[A]

And she says, hi, Crystal. I just want to start off by saying I love this podcast and I'm so proud of you. I'm a 29 year old black woman from New York City, period. And me and my boyfriend of Tres Anjos are planning on starting apartment hunting in the fall. I'm currently living with my parents and my brother. While I'm excited for this new chapter, I'm nervous about the amount of responsibility that will be left on my mom's plate. My dad was diagnosed with a neurodegenerative disease about five years ago and my household has had to pitch in with his caretaking. I've become a right hand for my mom in caring for my dad and the house in general. If my mom is the president, then I'm the vp. My president is black, My lambo is blue. My brother also pitches in, especially now that he is out of work. But me and my mom take on most of the responsibilities. My dad does not does have a home health aide. Excuse me. But only part time. I see the toll that being a caretaker and holding down a full time job has taken on my mom. Yeah, she has always encouraged me to do what makes me happy and live my life for me. But being there for her is still in the back of my mind, especially with how selfless she has always been. I don't want to continue the cycle of my mom always caring for someone and not having the time to care for herself, whether that be her children or now her husband. How do I overcome the guilt of leaving my household in this new chapter of life? Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you. It's from Mikayla Angela Davis. Angela Davis.

[B]

Mikayla Angela Davis. Angela Davis. What a name. First of all, congratulations.

[A]

Congratulations, sugar pie.

[B]

29, boyfriend of three years clearly is going well.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Looking for apartments in New York City. I hope y' all are ready for this astronomical rents, which as a native, I'm sure you are just sick at the way things have progressed.

[A]

It was nine white people on my block in East Flatbush last night.

[B]

Girl, I told you, not nine together. No, I know, but I told you when I saw a white woman in tabbies walking down the block, I said, oh, we are fucking cooked. We are cooked. What you mean white girls with tabbies are in a hunt.

[A]

I know. Nah, it's over. It's over. Oh, my God.

[B]

I saw a video of a white woman, Sheba Inews. They. Are they jogging around East New York? Brownsville. East New York is crazy. Brownsville is crazy. So. But anyway, sorry, Mikayla. Angela Davis. Angela Davis already knows all this.

[A]

She knows.

[B]

Okay. All right. So your mom. You've seen your mom be a caretaker. Your whole life is what I'm getting from this. And now you feel guilty because you're leaving and some of that support for your mother will not be there anymore. That's understandable. But it also sounds like your mom is encouraging you to get out there and spread your wings and, you know, fly and enjoy life and figure things out anyway. So I think when someone has a severe illness or disease like your dad does, where they need, you know, round the clock care, I. It's hard to fulfill that role. I'm glad he does have a home health aide, even if it is just part time. If you all can look into getting somebody to come in even more often, that would. I'm sure that would be a great help to your mother. But there's. I'm trying to think of a way to say shit happens and we all kind of have to roll with the punches, adapt anyway, like, you're. It is. We can have empathy for your mother and like, oh, my goodness, this must be so overwhelming. You know, you went from taking care of your kids to taking care of your husband. And we can also say, just because I'm moving out doesn't mean I'm no longer gonna be a help to the family.

[A]

Of course. Right, of course. Of course.

[B]

What do you think, Jade?

[A]

I agree. I think that, you know, when you have a relative that's ill or needs extra care, that's just a difficult place in. And I think the chips fall where they do. The people who step up, step up. You leaving, I hope there's no guilt around that. You leaving to go be in your own space and pursue your own course of life. There's nothing wrong with that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're not about to leave your mother high and dry.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You also can't change the circumstance of where your father is right now. Your mom's going to care. She's going to care for your father. So maybe you find little ways to pour into her and make sure that you just release any guilt around also continuing to pour into yourself.

[B]

Right. Like maybe once a week you send an instacart to the house. You go by when you can to, you know, just check on your dad, see how he's doing, see what help your mom needs around the house. You have a brother. I would like to, I would not like to see. I would hope that in your absence your brother steps up and becomes the new vp.

[A]

Hope so.

[B]

Which is another conversation of like we kind of just assume boys and men can't be or won't be efficient caretakers. And you know, I struggled with whether to talk about this on the show, but my mother has been seriously ill for several years. Since I was in grad school, it's been cancer and brain tumors and heart. It's been a lot. She's very ill and I, you know, I'm clear across the country. There's not much I can do other than, you know, financially and stuff like that. And so it has been my two brothers and my male cousin who are in Oklahoma who have stepped up and really taken care of her. And we just moved my mom to Texas to live with my brother and sister in law and as I was helping her do that, like I flew to Oklahoma to then fly her to Texas, which was. If you've never traveled with somebody who is both elderly and disabled and not all there mentally, baby, the amount of patience you have to have, the amount of there's so much extra time that you have to build into everything because it's not just get up and go and blah blah, blah, blah. Like you just have to really force

[A]

your steps in the airport. It's a whole lot.

[B]

It's so much to think about. It's so much time and consideration that goes into that. And so I look at your situation, Angela Davis, Mikayla, as well as being similar to mine in that it's going to take more than one of us. Like she was with my younger, she was with Adam, now she's with Brock. And I'm, you know, I'm sending money.

[A]

And again, you holding down a lot financially. Exactly.

[B]

And that's also helpful, you know, that's also useful because I'm not there physically and I'm unable to help physically. I do help financially because that's how I can be there. And when I am physically there, I'm obviously helping. But that day to day in and out caretaking work. Yes. And my brothers are holding it down. So don't think just because your brother is a man that he can't step up and help take care of his father because he's contributing. Right. But she also said, you know, if mama is the president, then I'm the vp. So, you know, you and your brother can switch places, and now he can be the vp and you can be the one to step in and help where you can. But you also deserve to go live your life. You do.

[A]

Yeah. And your mom knows that. She's saying that to you. That's why she's saying that to you. Yeah. You know, I think about it from a mother's aspect, too. As Noah is coming up, I'm like, you know, there's many things that I have obviously sacrificed for her, but I never want her to have to sacrifice to the point where she puts her. I had life.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I lived a lot of life. I got a lot more life to live. Let's be clear. You know, you're still young. You're still dying in five minutes.

[B]

You act old, but you're young.

[A]

I was born old, but I believe that.

[B]

I really do. Born smelling like red beans and rice.

[A]

I was. I do. Why do you smell like dinner?

[B]

It's 8am but she's a memaw, because

[A]

I cooked dinner already. Anyway, I want her to get all of her life's experiences. And while I know there will be things that will come up, she's an only child of two parents now. You know what I'm saying? So, like, there will be things that come up, but my hope is always that she gets to experience life because she deserves to experience life.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And I know your mother feels the same way. Michaela. Angela Davis. Angela Davis.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, you're also not even leaving the city.

[A]

Like. No, no. You just get in your own space.

[B]

Right. So, you know, you can remind yourself that taking care of your parents is not actually an obligation. It's something you do because you want to. It sounds like your mom and dad poured into you in a way when you were growing up that made you want to reciprocate now, which is beautiful. And so you do that to your abilities. And for people we love, we sometimes go beyond what we have the capacity for. But we don't always do that, because then it's to our own detriment, and we do still have to take care of ourselves.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

But you have to keep reminding yourself, like, just because I'm not in the house does not mean I'm not part of this family. It doesn't mean I'm not part of his care team.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And it doesn't mean that I'm gonna leave my mother, you know, high and dry and so little things you can do for your mom. Spa days or, you know, let's go get our. Let's go get pedicures and send her some dinner. Yeah. Get her out the house.

[A]

Get her out the house. Get her out the house.

[B]

Take it to the movies.

[A]

Take it.

[B]

Yes. Let's go have some wine, Mommy. And talk about anything other than daddy. You know, like little things like that. But I think as you take the step and then you see how you can balance this new life with your current responsibilities or your old life, you'll start to see that guilt dissipate. I can relate, but it's also like I'm doing the best of what I can. I'm helping out in a way that not only I'm able to do, but that I'm willing to do. I'm not willing to move to Texas or Oklahoma and be my mother's full time caretaker. I'm not.

[A]

That's also okay.

[B]

It has to be, because this is my life.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

So I'm helping in my way. Yeah. Anyway, I don't want to make this too much about me, but I have not talked about my mom's illness at all for the past several years. So it's like, I feel like this letter was a great time to just say I know how you feel and keep on keeping on.

[A]

Basically stop saying stuff that's making me sing songs.

[B]

So you blaming me for your. For your neurodivergence?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Right now. Wow. Well, for my intrusive thoughts with that neurodivergence.

[B]

That's very. Wow.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Cause you came and you changed my world. Your love story.

[A]

All right, well, next one.

[B]

She's so old. Good luck. Good luck. Who is next?

[A]

All right, let me settle myself in

[B]

this one, please, please.

[A]

You rowdy, and her name is Mariah. And we, we're going to give you all a trigger warning because there is sexual assault involved in this. So I want to make sure we handle it tenderly.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Hey, Crystal. Throughout my life, I've experienced sexual harassment and assault multiple times. At 17, my mom's boyfriend sexually assaulted me. At 18, her next boyfriend did the same. At 32, I was assaulted by someone else entirely.

[B]

Lord.

[A]

Here's where my mom comes in. In 2021, I found out she was still talking to the boyfriend who assaulted me. When I was 18, he showed up at my house with a Christmas card, and she gave him my address. I cut her off for six months, and she promised she'd stop talking to him. We eventually rebuilt our relationship. Okay, Fast forward to 2024. I moved to a new city and was living with My mom. To save money, I noticed she was being secretive and going into other rooms to talk to someone named Denzel.

[B]

See where this is going?

[A]

Yep. When I checked her phone, I reverse searched the number. And it was the man who sexually assaulted me when I was 18. She'd been talking to him this whole time, telling him everything about my life. My mental health struggles, my psychiatric hold, my jobs, everything. When I confronted her, she lied at first. Then he sent me a long email proving he knew all my business. Eventually, she admitted it and said, yeah, I talked to him. I'm sorry, Mariah. I love you more than I love him. I abruptly moved out of her basement into my own apartment. Now I'm spending $2,000 a month on rent. I didn't need to spend. Yep. And I'm resentful as hell. I'm also just sad and confused. Here's what I can't wrap my head around. I've processed the trauma from the assaults themselves. I've done the work. What I can't process is that my own mother, the person who's supposed to protect me, keeps choosing this man over me. She has complete disregard for my feelings and my trauma. She puts her own needs first, even when it means staying connected to someone who hurt her daughter. Now we have limited, limited communication because I still have stuff at her house. I told her I didn't want to talk to her, but she's crossing my boundaries and still texting me. What do I do now? Do I completely cut off my mom? I don't have a dad, so I would basically be parentless.

[B]

Lord.

[A]

So I try to make this work somehow. I was in therapy doing emdr, but I don't think that's what I need. I need to know how to handle the fact that the person who should love me the most keeps betraying me in the deepest way possible. What would you tell someone in my situation? Thank you for reading this, Mariah.

[B]

Oh, Mariah. Mariah, baby, you've been through a lot.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And unfortunately, I feel like this is a story a lot of women can relate to. Especially the being sexually harassed and assaulted at various points throughout your life. While Jade was reading this, I had to physically bite my tongue from cussing your mother out. Yeah, I'mma just be real about that. I'm feeling an extreme anger towards your mother right now. At no point did any of her decisions make sense. At no point.

[A]

Your mother is a. Your mother is clearly emotionally. She's an emotional child. Even scurrying around the house pretending you don't there's some growing up there that she has not done.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which is really hard to wrap our minds around. Right. Like, when it's somebody who is of a certain age bracket and you're like. You put a fake name in your phone and you're hiding in rooms, which means, you know, you doing some shit you don't have no business doing.

[B]

Right. And you. No, you're right, because you knew that years ago, you know, in 2021, when you first found out she was still talking to that man who assaulted you when you were 18. And she was like, oh, my God, you right. I'mma stop. Right there is where my issue is coming in. Because it's like, what the fuck made you want to stay in contact with the man who sexually assaulted your child? And answer that quickly. Why would you even want to talk to him? As opposed to selfish. Like, your mother really has issues. I used to say on the read all the time, people were writing stuff about their mom. Like, your mama's a fucking bird. Like, I don't. I don't know that bird is what it is with your mama. But I think Jade is on the money as far as, like, there's some real immaturity going on here. And I will say this desperation. A parent who betrays you betrayed themselves first. Yeah, there's. Your mother has some shit in her life that she has not acknowledged or processed or dealt with or has pushed down. Something's going on.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

But the thing is, we don't need to know what that is to know that this behavior is unacceptable. Exactly.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

That this is disgusting. The fact that she even talked to that man at the. At all, much less twice, like, went behind your back again and, like, sneaking around in the home y' all share. Why are you so desperate to talk to the man who did this to me?

[A]

Desperate. Like you. She's desperate.

[B]

Like, you need it.

[A]

Yeah. You know, it's crazy because we know people, and I'm not gonna make this gender specific. Right?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

We know a lot of people who will do some stupid shit for a nigga.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Oh.

[A]

You know, baby, that is not gender specific.

[B]

You right.

[A]

It's not. It's not.

[B]

It's everybody.

[A]

It's not.

[B]

It's really.

[A]

And I think also oftentimes people, when you're in a situation that feels so grossly unnatural because it is, you spend so much time trying to make sense of it because it shouldn't be right, but you're not going to make sense of this. Your mother, first of all the two choices that she made in those two men, back to back.

[B]

Right.

[A]

That alone, right there. There is some deep unhealing that is happening in her underbelly that she needs to go take care of. And she may not. She may never take care of.

[B]

She probably won't.

[A]

And so, like. And that is clear from how she moves to the partner she picks, to the way that.

[B]

To.

[A]

To the way that she interacts with you in relationship and hides things from you as if you're the mother.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You deserve better. And you may not get better.

[B]

Unfortunately, I think it's highly likely you won't. Or if you do, it'll be years down the line, because like we've said, your mom clearly has her own stuff she needs to work through. You're having trouble understanding how the person who's supposed to protect you would choose this man over you, because that's fucking insane.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

In no world should it work that way.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Your mother is defective in her parenting. Yeah. And so that's why it's so hard for me.

[A]

And interhumaning.

[B]

Right. And you think about kids, you know, teenagers that you know, and it's like, I would seriously take a man's life for touching one of these kids, as opposed to, like, it's.

[A]

You already know.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Right between the eyes, niggas, like.

[B]

Cause this is just. It's really absurd. So if I were in your shoes, first of all, I would be extremely gentle with myself, making sure that I am doing everything I can to take care of myself throughout this tragedy that is taking place in your life. I would get my remaining things out of her home as soon as possible. Or if they're not that important to me, I would just write them off mentally. And then I do think I would have to go ahead and block her and spend some time without her in my life. And that's doubly tragic because, like you said, you don't have a dad. So you're just out here kind of parentless. And you can be, you know, 35, 40 years old and not have parents and be like, what the fuck is this? You know, Because a lot of your peers still do.

[A]

Because you. Because it is not natural.

[B]

It's not natural.

[A]

And also, it's not natural to treat somebody who came of you like that. None of this is natural.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And you shouldn't have to endure a relationship for the sake of having a physical parent there.

[B]

Right.

[A]

There's so much love in this world. There's so many people in this world who also, ironically, I saw a story the other day. It was a man who was expressing how he grieves his mother who was still alive. Oh yeah. Because she was a horrible mother. And it was so many people who could relate in the, in that comment section who were like, I've dealt with, I'm dealing with the same thing. I'm dealing with the same thing. And also people who have grieved the losses of their children. So there's so much connection and relationship out in this world and there are people that, that will love you, that will choose to love you. And while it doesn't feel right because this is who you came from and this is a, this is a. I was telling Crystal not too long ago, a complicated relationship with a mother or a parent, especially a mother, is like a load bearing wall in a house. Oh, yes. And that wall may be ugly as fuck. But you and you trying to find every way on how to get rid of this load bearing or beam, should I say this load bearing beam. But the house might fall down if you get rid of the beam. Right. It doesn't mean that there aren't ways to work around this beam. This beam is just. This is what's holding this shit together. And oftentimes a mother feels like that. She feels like a load bearing B, if this comes out, then I don't know what's going to happen to me. But you will be all right.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And there's a lot of contractors out here that can help you out in your, in your. And I also really love that you are trying different modalities of therapy and tapping in enough to yourself to say, okay, this is not the one that's helping me. I actually find, I think that's a beautiful portion of this email because a lot of people just do stuff and then they don't really check to see like how they're feeling along with that. So I love that you're trying different modalities.

[B]

Yes. I don't know that I would have recommended EMDR for this, maybe for processing these sexual assaults. But the issues with your mother are ongoing. You don't need to tap into the deep recesses of your mind for that because that's happening right now. It's in the forefront of your conscience. So I would definitely recommend seeking out a therapist who specializes in working with people who have been assaulted in this way. Most therapists should be able to help you with having an incompetent mother. But to kind of go back to Jade's analogy of the load bearing beam, sometimes you're better off letting it crash because that beam is rotted.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

And sometimes you're better off.

[A]

Keep that house up like that and

[B]

you can rebuild yourself. It's just unfortunate because you should not have to.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

You should not have to. You should have better parents than this.

[A]

You deserve a better situation.

[B]

You deserve a better situation than this. Right. And that's why healing is so hard. Because that is so fucking unfair.

[A]

Mm.

[B]

You know, I mean, I, I, I've talked about it on this show. I've talked about it to you. The unfairness of what I grew up with was one of my biggest hurdles in therapy. I could not get over the fact that this shit ain't fair.

[A]

It's not.

[B]

Why don't I. Who showed up differently from me? Why don't I have different experiences? How come other people get to have this and I don't? And there's no answers for that.

[A]

No, it's not. And it's a valid question, and it's a valid feeling as well. And I can also see the harm in just staying there.

[B]

Yep. Yep.

[A]

You know what I'm saying? Because it's like, it's not fair. It's not fair. And this is what it was. And now what are we going to do?

[B]

Yeah. So it is a balance between letting yourself feel the unfairness because you don't want to push it away and act like, like it's not there.

[A]

And you've dealt with some trauma, sister. Like, you deserve a lot of love.

[B]

You do. You deserve a lot of care. And you deserve people who are going to pour into you and not choose your fucking abuser over you. Like, baby, when I tell you it took everything in me not to cush him, I'm really, I'm, I'm being a,

[A]

I'm being a gentle panda.

[B]

You're so proud of me right now. Cause the way I want to talk shit.

[A]

Cause I also understand that even with complicated relationships, there is a human, like, visceral reaction. Sometimes you get to somebody talking about people that you love.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

But, Mariah, if I can for, like, five seconds, just brace yourself. Your mother is a rotten, selfish, nasty ass fucking bitch. I could put hands and motherfucking feet on her because this is rotten. You were sexually assaulted by two niggas she brought into your life. She deserves nothing good. Don't ever bring her around me. Anyway. I'm holding you. I'm loving you. I'm hugging on you. You deserve better than that.

[B]

First of all, fully co sign everything JH Said.

[A]

That was nice. That was my kind. That was kind.

[B]

That was. But it is going to take time and patience and work to get over this betrayal from your mother. This is not something you should have ever had to experience.

[A]

No.

[B]

And in addition to maybe one on one therapy is out of reach for you right now. If you can find support groups, maybe not necessarily for victims of assault, although this could be very useful, but for people who are grieving, parents who are still alive. That's actually a very common phenomenon of people who are like, I have had to distance myself from my parents because they continue to hurt me and they have no regard. It's just. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, my bad.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Denzel, this isn't.

[B]

I asked you to bring home low fat sour cream and you brought home full fat. This is.

[A]

No, this is. And then you telling my business. And then you telling my business to a nigga who probably cost a lot of bro. Like, are we. What are we doing right now?

[B]

You got my rapist emailing me a giant document of everything I've done over the past.

[A]

Cut everybody's hands off.

[B]

Cut them all off. Don't do that.

[A]

No, I will.

[B]

Don't do that.

[A]

No, I won't.

[B]

But the anger. I hope you understand that we're feeling this anger because this is so fucked up.

[A]

It's fucked up. It's really fucked up.

[B]

Right. And you gotta let yourself feel the full gamut of emotions that come with this. Are you. I'm certain you're angry at your mother, but you're also devastated.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You've been betrayed, you've been mistreated, You've been fucking lied to by the person who's supposed to protect you the most. So deceived.

[A]

There's something. It was. Yes. It was deliberate.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It was like it was intentional deceit. And that's what I got a real fucking problem with.

[B]

To the. Not just a man. The man who did this to your child. Your mama's fucked up.

[A]

Yeah. Your mom is fucked up.

[B]

She's got real shit going on.

[A]

She may never, ever, ever address that shit.

[B]

Yeah. And you don't deserve to continuously subject yourself to being hurt by her just so you can say you have a parent in your life. Some of us are better off without

[A]

that is a word.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There's a lot of. And I have a lot of friends who have gotten in touch with a parent later on in life who they weren't raised by and been like, you know what?

[B]

Dodged up.

[A]

I was actually good. Like, I'm glad that nigga wasn't in

[B]

my life, I'd be a terrible person. Right. You know what I mean? So even though their absence hurts you as a kid, because they're supposed to be there, it's not just that you're supposed to be there. You're all supposed to be good at this.

[A]

You're supposed to be.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You're supposed to want to be good at it.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. But you know what I wanna do? Protect this little nigga.

[B]

Right? You know what I'm saying? Above all else. Like, she's in the front right now

[A]

of this studio as we record this episode. I got her some food, eating her

[B]

fruit, getting on my fucking nerves.

[A]

But there is no part of me that wants to. I want to hold her. I want to protect her. I never want to inflict harm on her. I want to inflict a lot worse on anybody else who inflicts harm. But I can't fathom being the person who intentionally does that.

[B]

Especially because you grew her, you birthed her, you nursed her. She is of you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Imagine turning on Noah like that.

[A]

I can't. I can't.

[B]

No, I cannot. It's incomprehensible. So I hope you take our reaction here and understand that whatever feelings you have are absolutely right to feel. Cause this is beyond fucked up.

[A]

Yeah, it is.

[B]

And I hope you find the right therapist to help you work through the betrayal and everything else that you have dealt with at the hands of your mother. But the sooner you can get your things so that you can block her. Cause if I said, you know, you've done real grimy shit multiple times. Leave me alone. And you still texting me, bitch. At what point do you listen?

[A]

Uh, you can go ahead. You can tell your mother. Hey, you know, I got a new email address. It's jadeofalljades.com have your mother send me a text.

[B]

Wishing you the absolute best, Mariah. Good luck holding you in your healing journey, baby.

[A]

Holding you.

[B]

I'm sorry.

[A]

Lots of energetic hugs indeed.

[B]

Yes. Who is it?

[A]

It's Hannah spelled backwards. Hannah. So, yeah, well, I almost.

[B]

Almost took this remote and just like. Just like, I'm just gonna turn you off.

[A]

And I would go louder. Let's all go to see the movie.

[B]

I would have got louder. Is she on drugs? Yes.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Not the ones I'm thinking of.

[A]

Oh, no. And I'm also not high right now off of weed, because I've been with my child all day, parenting. Taking that. Right?

[B]

Look at you. Being a good mom.

[A]

You see what I'm saying?

[B]

See how it's inflicting no harm on this nigga? It's hard, but you don't have to deliberately hurt them either. Anyway, Anyway. I know.

[A]

Damn, I want to fight that lady's mother.

[B]

I want to fight the fuck out of her face. Oh, my God. Okay.

[A]

I do. There's a lot of parents. Like, line them up.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Anyway, your daddy too. You know that nigga's on my list.

[B]

No, no, I know he's on your list, girl. I know he's Chris father.

[A]

I've had something for you, nigga, for years.

[B]

Okay, Anyway. Anyway. What's going on with Hannah?

[A]

Hannah spelled backwards as Hannah says, hey, Crystal. I'm looking for advice on how to move on from old friendships that didn't work out.

[B]

Mm. Okay.

[A]

Two and a half years ago, I met a few girls that I clicked with instantly. The four of us made a group chat and it popped off and they became my go to girls. Two of them were already close friends prior to this. I am the type to want to be inclusive. Everything I wanted to share, like memes or vent sessions, was communicated in the group chat openly. The others saw things differently, and I knew there were conversations outside the group chat. Not necessarily malicious or intended to leave me out, but making side plans, like getting their nails done together or going to the gym. Yeah, I started feeling frustrated, especially between the two that were already best friends. The third girl also made her plans on her own with them, too. Fast forward six months, two of them went to a concert after party without me, but only one of them had attended the concert, so clearly the two of them had communicated privately to link up. I'd already made it clear earlier that night that I wanted them to let me know about any after parties since I was in the mood to hit the clearback. How old are you? I only knew about the after party because a mutual friend outside the friend group called me and said, hey, where are you? We're at the after party. Your friends are here too.

[B]

Damn. Damn. I got you, missy.

[A]

When I made my way there, I made one snarky comment about them not inviting me. They called me out for this the next day and I was too hurt to apologize. What was the comment, sister? Okay, for the record, Jay, let me finish.

[B]

Right. Get through it first, girl.

[A]

For the record, they did not want to hear me out either or acknowledge that they had ignored my messages to them about wanting to meet up for the night, think about how I had been feeling left out, et Cetera. Either way, I know I now know I was wrong for not apologizing and wish I had let it go. Okay, the two girls ceased communications with me. And the third girl must have heard their side of the story too, because she also stopped talking to me as well.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

I know six months doesn't sound like much time to have established a friendship, but to this day, I still have recurring dreams about mending my friendship with them. However, knowing their personalities, I know the two I had a direct conflict with would not be interested in rekindling the friendship. This past weekend, I saw the three of them out together for the first time in a long while with a couple of other friends. They hardly acknowledged me. It's gotten me thinking about the fallout again. And yes, I had a dream about them later that night. I'm looking for advice on how to find closure for myself and move on and hopefully to stop having those dreams. Yeah, I know this story puts me in a bad light. And I recognize that my reaction to the after party incident was childish. The fact that you didn't tell us what the fuck you said, I know it was bad.

[B]

Yep. I feel that I made it clear

[A]

in the months prior I wanted to spend more time with them and I initiated plans a lot. But the past is the past and I would like to emotionally move on from this, especially since they seem to be doing just fine without me. Lord, thank you for everything you do. Hannah spelled backwards is Hannah.

[B]

Hannah, there's a. There's a few things here, babe. So first of all, oh, gosh, please take this with all the love. You know, I'm trying to help. Genuinely, everything. Everything I'm trying to help. Um, you. This letter gives the energy of like, the new girl is trying to be besties too fast and push like this, let's all hang out together all the time type energy, which can be very off putting to other people. Um, this whole, you know, everything I wanted to do, I put in the group chat, but I know they had conversations outside the group chat. Well, yes. We just met you. We're not gonna do literally everything, especially

[A]

if we are each other's people.

[B]

Right, Especially. Cause two of them were already close friends. So like, you can't expect the two of them to then act like you. Somebody they just met a few months ago is on the same level of friendship as they are.

[A]

Like, yes.

[B]

So there's a. I don't know that it's neediness, but I think to me it would have felt like neediness. Like, why is she so.

[A]

I'M your friends in this scenario. I'm not a therapist. I'm so sorry. I did not go to this school. And I'm gonna keep it funky with you, okay? From the minute you started writing this email, I was like, oh, she the problem. Because if you would have pressed up on me in the same way that you did these girls, I too would have boot bayed you. I would have been like, yo, she got to go. This girl is thirsty. I'm not calling you thirsty. I'm saying the behavior sounded thirsty for me.

[B]

Yes, I agree. They did not invite you to the afterparty because what the did you say

[A]

outside that after party?

[B]

They did not want to go with you, Babe, just because you said in the group chat, hey, let me know about any after parties because I'm in the mood to hang out does not mean they wanted to go with you. And it sounds like you've been pushing yourself and, like, trying to really force this. And, you know, I know that we've only, you know, it's only been six months, and that doesn't sound like much time to have established a friendship, but, like, it is actually plenty of time to establish a friendship. But it sounds like you're trying to fast track it. It's like. And it has to be. That's true.

[A]

It has to be a desire from all sides of the relationship.

[B]

Yes. It has to be organic. It can't just be, oh, my God, girls, we met. We linked up. Let's do everything together now. Like, new besties, new friend group, new.

[A]

You said you initiated all. She said she initiated all the hangs. That tells me something.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

It tells me a lot.

[B]

Right. So I understand that your feelings were hurt because you were left out, but I also see why they left you out. I do. I don't do well with people that I meet who are, like, immediately pushy and trying to do the most and trying to force an intimacy that we don't yet have. Let us grow into that. It has to happen organically. It can't just be. I really want to be friends, therefore, we're going to be friends. I think you're having recurring dreams about them because you know you were wrong. Come.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I also.

[A]

And I just challenge you, you know, in the future when you're making friends and you're establishing healthy relationships. Take your time with it.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Also read the room. What's the energy feeling like from the other party?

[B]

I bet you you started the group chat. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. Yes, you are.

[A]

No, we're keeping it funky, are we not? We want this lady to go forward with thriving friendships. You know what I'm saying? And if you the problem, sometimes you the fucking problem. You need to find out you're the problem.

[B]

You stop being the problem. So I think what may be driving this behavior. You said that you're the type to want to be inclusive. You want everybody to feel included. You don't want anybody to feel left out.

[A]

That's beautiful quality.

[B]

I have a feeling that you felt left out a lot growing up. You felt like you weren't really part of the group. And so now in adulthood, you're looking at it like, I don't want anybody to feel that way. So I just want everything to be inclusive and everybody together all the time, and we do everything together. But, like, that is ignoring the fact that people simply have different bonds. They vibe differently with others. And even though we meet people and we click instantly, that doesn't mean we're besties. And we're gonna start telling each other our deepest secrets and traumas and shit in the next couple of months. Like, it also doesn't work like that. Having chemistry and vibes is great, but it's just a starting off point. It's not a complete foundation in and of itself. You have to build that with time. So I think I see what happened here, and I think your conscience will leave you alone, and these dreams about them will chill once you give a full, complete, genuine apology. What now?

[A]

Did you say girl?

[B]

Jay, it doesn't matter. She knew it was snarky, which, I mean, snarky could mean a lot. Three, stop talking to you. I bet you it was stuck.

[A]

She said, that's why your mother's dead or something crazy.

[B]

Not that bad. I don't know. You probably went there, like, guess you didn't see me in the group chat, right? She's like, oh, look at the funky Pussy party. Like, what did you. Whereas I think. I think most people would have said, oh, I specifically said in the group chat, let me know about parties. And they coordinated outside of the group chat anyway because they didn't want to hang out with me. I think that would have hurt my feelings. Yes. Yeah, but the last thing I would have done was go to the party and been like, huh, Guess you bitches don't know how to call me back.

[A]

Like, she did not say that. It would not have caused three people to stop talking.

[B]

I don't know what she said. Detail it for a reason. She said, I put three cards on four flats. So I would write a very genuine email to the two. The third girl is whatever. I didn't say it to you, so I'm not apologizing to you. But I would write a very genuine email to the two I did. And I would say, you know, I was really in my feelings because I was excluded and so I said something that I did not mean. I was still in my feelings the next day. So I didn't apologize. I understand we're not friends anymore, but I am remorseful, so I'm apologizing for what I did. And then I would leave it alone. I would not expect them to hit me back. But this is just to ease your conscience and let you have some peace of mind so you can close this chapter and approach your new friendships differently. I think going forward you'll understand that, like, just cause you meet people and click doesn't mean you have to. Vroom, vroom, vroom.

[A]

No. At ease, girl.

[B]

At ease. You gotta.

[A]

You know what I'm saying? At ease.

[B]

Right. Especially two people who were already close friends. Yeah.

[A]

If somebody came in, you know what you did? Be Tanya. Them. Tanya. If you watch Sister Sister.

[B]

I was about to say Tonya Harden.

[A]

No, she didn't. Maybe she did bust them bitches in the knees.

[B]

That's why they stopped talking. No, no, I don't think so.

[A]

So what happened on the sister sister was.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Tia and Tamara. These are twins.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

T. And Tamara. You know, we besties, we twins, we wah, wah, wah. The white girl came in and was like, oh, we friends. Because she was best friends with the one. So then she started using her middle name, Tanya, Tia, Tamara, Tanya. And she started dressing like them. Permed her Caucasian ass. You remember that?

[B]

We do now. And it was like, girl, you are out of line and out of pocket. Be yourself.

[A]

If you ease, you are gonna find the people that are your people. I guarantee you that. But you gotta chill.

[B]

You said, you know, I made it clear in the months prior that I wanted to spend more time with them and I initiated plans a lot. That's fine. But just because you wanna spend more time and be besties doesn't mean everybody else is on that same page. They don't have to go along with that just because that's what you want. Like this is. It's not a one side friendship. Isn't a one way street.

[A]

No, not at all.

[B]

And most people, I mean, I. I don't wanna speculate too much about your childhood, but I'm really Getting the feeling that you felt ost. And that is driving your behavior here. And I have a lot of empathy for that because I understand how that is. But most people let their relationships unfold, you know, organically as they go. They grow. You know, Jade and I were not this close the day we met.

[A]

No, not that.

[B]

I mean, we did start kicking it,

[A]

but also, it wasn't like.

[B]

But we've been friends for over a decade. Like, it grows.

[A]

It grows gross. You know, I started hitting her. I'll be like, yo, Pop Pop on them vans. You want to go to the bar?

[B]

I do. Me and my vans and my silver. She put on her little checkered vans and we would trek down to the ball.

[A]

Vans.

[B]

I wore them vans out, though.

[A]

You wore them Vans and best cigarettes.

[B]

Okay. Not even cigars. They were my little flavored cigars that I brought from Oklahoma, cuz I refused to pay New York City prices for tobacco.

[A]

It's true.

[B]

And so. But once them was gone, I quit smoking. You quit smoking.

[A]

And it was. That was all she wrote. But can you imagine, though, at this point of our relationship, girl, we obviously have a lot of friends, right? And we have met new people. You know, our little Niecy Pooh from the Sacred Party.

[B]

She found me on Instagram. Instagram the other day.

[A]

She just found me. I love you know what I'm saying? Like, but can you imagine? Somebody came and sat in between us

[B]

and they was like. So we would both be like, bitch, go on, get the fuck. I thought I told you guys I wanted to hang out, okay. And I thought, you know, energetically at this point.

[A]

Cause you are working my nerves.

[B]

And the fact that we ignored that text and texted each other about what we wanted to should have been a sight.

[A]

I'm not. We not trying to hurt your feelings, girl. You do need a mirror, though. You need a mirror. Because I think maybe the perception that you. That you have and what you're seeing, that perspective that you're seeing, is not. Is not the reality of it.

[B]

Right. And I want to make it clear that I really do understand the hurt here.

[A]

Yes, absolutely.

[B]

It hurts to feel ostracized. It does. So I get. I understand your pain. I understand that your pain is what motivated you to behave in this way.

[A]

What the fuck did you say, girl? Email me jadevaljades.com girl, and I understand

[B]

why your friends don't fuck with you no more. I understand all aspects here. So, yeah, go ahead and apologize for real. Send that email with no expectations and take these lessons, apply them To. It's the same sort of general ideas with a failed relationship. You take some time. You think about not necessarily what that person did, although that probably is having effect on you. But the things maybe you ignored, the red flags you pretended weren't there, what parts of you were being triggered by this person's behavior, all of that. And you take those lessons and incorporate that before you move on to the next. It's the same with friendships. You can find a healthy, fun friend group and people to hang out with regularly. But you can't force it.

[A]

You can't force it. But we do pray over you and send you energy for good, fulfilling relationships going forward. And that you, you know, you do your work so that you're able to have that. Cause you also deserve to have that.

[B]

Yep, you do.

[A]

You do.

[B]

Best of luck, Hannah. Forwards and backwards. All right, Jay, we got time for one more. Una mas. Una mas.

[A]

Okay, let's call her Nara Smith.

[B]

Oh, the bitch who making gum from scratch.

[A]

Yeah, like my husband wanted some Captain Crunch. So I just got up and

[B]

she says, hello, Krystal.

[A]

I'm a 40 year old stay at home mother of two toddler boys who have a ton of energy.

[B]

Yeah, two toddler boys. I'm going to bed. My pussy just tightened up immediately.

[A]

My husband is the provider and does a great job about doing so financially.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

The problem is he doesn't believe in me having anything in my own name.

[B]

Oh, no, we won't be doing that.

[A]

Okay, you got to keep reading. He claims our religion requires the man fully and financially take care of the woman, and the woman stay at home with the kids. Okay. When we get into arguments, he throws the fact that I totally rely on him in my face and says I'd be nothing and nowhere without him. Keep reading.

[B]

Oh, it's getting a bit.

[A]

He says I'm living in his house.

[B]

Jade can't take it. Hold on one second. I'm so sorry. Jade literally malfunctioned.

[A]

Like, glitched.

[B]

She literally glitched at that sentence.

[A]

Whoa. Okay.

[B]

Yeah. Okay.

[A]

He said I'd be nothing and nowhere without him. He says I'm living in his house and he would have me thrown out if I don't quote, unquote, Listen.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

And the only apologizing he accepts is via my body.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I've been listening to you long enough to start hiding a little money to the side and even invested some in the stocks and made a pretty penny.

[B]

Amen.

[A]

That's amen.

[B]

Cause I was about to say, baby, you are Being financially abused. But it sounds like you already know that.

[A]

My husband doesn't know I have an Amex charge card and my credit is in the 800, sister.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Recently, he's been spending more time at the church, like two hours every day. So I've been dealing with the children 100% on my own from sunup to sundown, and neither of them are sleeping through the night. I expressed this exhaustion to my husband and he blamed me for having poor time management twin the eyes. Now, I know I've been saving for the Great Escape, but I feel I need someone to talk to about this. So I know I'll have to dip into the pot. I have no friends, I'm with the kids all day, and I feel really lonely all the time. Yes, I know I need therapy, but where do I start? Also, everything I say between myself and the therapist kept is everything I say between myself and the therapist kept that way. Love you. So, Nara Smith.

[B]

Okay, so first of all, yes.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

If you see a licensed therapist, not one of these Instagram coaches or whatever, not the Cheyenne Bryants of the world, but an actual licensed therapist, then confidentiality is. It's not just part of it, it's key.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If you are afraid that your therapist might go tell you are not going to be fully open in therapy. So if I were you, I would maybe look outside of my religious community. I would not find somebody who. Like a therapist who goes to your church, for example. But any licensed therapist is bound by those laws and regulations, and if they violate them, you can sue and get paid even more. Yeah, exactly.

[A]

That's what I was like. That contributes to the Great Escape.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Stay out of that. Church therapy, though.

[B]

Yeah. Don't do that. This is wild because you started off documenting very clear abuse and then you were like, but I've been listening to you long enough to know it's time to start saving my money. So I could dip.

[A]

But I'm like, oh, girl. Right.

[B]

Because this man is abusing you a couple of different ways.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Primarily financially, it sounds like. And the idea that I let people believe what they want to believe. Right. But you're the woman, so you take care of the kids and you don't need to do nothing else but be at home with these children all day. Two toddlers. Are you insane?

[A]

He don't. They don't. He's delusional.

[B]

He has no idea what it means to really nurture kids.

[A]

Still a horrible person.

[B]

Right. And they don't sleep through the night. So when do you fucking rest, right? This is all.

[A]

And then it's your. Your poor time management.

[B]

What do you even mean, time management? I don't. I don't get to get out of here. What do you mean?

[A]

Where I'm supposed to go?

[B]

You act like I'm spending hours a day at the church instead of being at home taking care of my family.

[A]

You act like I'm whispering to these little niggas to stay up.

[B]

Like you. Like, where would you park, nigga? Like what?

[A]

Exactly. Oh, man, I'm not even gonna get into that.

[B]

So you gotta get out of there, girl. Yes. So the question is, like, you know, you need therapy. Where to start? Yeah, it sounds like insurance is not gonna be an option here, because. Paper trail leading back to your husband. Lots of therapists. Well, you paying cash, so that opens you up to a whole nother level of therapist. How much cash you got?

[A]

Email me. Jade Devault, Jade's dad. I just want to know. I like context and information.

[B]

Okay. I pray none of you ever email her.

[A]

I hope all of you email me.

[B]

None of you do.

[A]

Yes,

[B]

you got some money and you got yourself a credit card. That's great as far as escaping goes. But if you don't feel like you're ready to actually leave yet, it sounds like your husband does leave you at home alone a lot for more than enough time. Right. For you to do virtual sessions. So I would look, maybe check therapy for black girls first and foremost. You know, I love that resource, Love Dr. Joy for Therapists who are licensed, which they all on her website will be, or Psychology Today. That's another great resource for therapists who are licensed in your state and do telehealth. And if you can find somebody who, you know, they all will list, like, their specialty stuff. They work with people who have been abused, domestic violence in particular, or like, really, any therapist should be able to handle this in a way that protects you as much as possible from your husband finding out about it.

[A]

But.

[B]

Oh, God, I want you to see a therapist. I almost always want y' all to see therapist. I also feel like 90% of your problems would be gone if you weren't in this man's house no more.

[A]

I really want her to get in front of him. Of some people, like, yeah, you not

[B]

having any friends is a big, big one.

[A]

It's a big red flag.

[B]

Well, it's a big problem because it sounds like you're being isolated, which means it's easier for the abuse to continue.

[A]

Abuse one on one.

[B]

It's a. Yeah. Right. It's much easier to keep the abuse going when you don't have support system friends or anybody nearby that you can say, hey, this is happening to me. Like people, you don't have anybody to help you, you have to sort of pull this all off on your own.

[A]

Listen, I got an auntie who left a N in during the workday. That nigga left for work.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And she packed their shit up and was like, we getting the fuck?

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Because she found out that N was smoking crack. And so therefore, yeah, you know, I have to go. Did that shit in eight hours.

[B]

Me and my kids gotta go. I can't have you in the.

[A]

And then you're raising two sons and this is like two twofold, right. A, you don't want to see any children. No children should see this type of abuse. There's no type of abuse.

[B]

Right.

[A]

They shouldn't see that. And then you don't want them picking up this nasty rhetoric. Yes. This nasty behavior and these things being said. This is really harmful.

[B]

The.

[A]

That this is saying is harmful.

[B]

Yeah. And this whole. The only apologizing he accepts as via my body. That is also not consensual. Right. That is not consensual. Right. That's why I said you are being mistreated in multiple ways here.

[A]

I don't like this.

[B]

And so it does. It absolutely sounds like you have a plan. I would love for you to be able to execute that plan as soon as possible. However, we all know that for women who are being abused, the time that they are in the most danger is when they leave because the person that they are escaping.

[A]

There's actually a foundation, if I may shout it out.

[B]

Oh yeah, what's it called?

[A]

Asea, I believe is what it's called. A S I Y A H, let me just double check. Yes, the ASEA Women's center, now it is New York based, but that doesn't mean that there are not resources everywhere.

[B]

Right.

[A]

There are organizations such as the ASEA Women's center that specifically focus on helping women and children who have been in abusive relationships and are rebuilding on their own.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And so, you know, I would look and see what kind of resources that you have at your disposal as well. And, and please do this as safely as possible.

[B]

Right, right. Incognito mode and all that, which is,

[A]

oh God, I'm hoping this nigga's not that smart. You know, church niggas, they get a lot for being losers. You know what I'm saying? Like that. Nobody wants to have that discussion yet. But church niggas get a lot for being loser ass niggas. And so I'm hoping he's not that bright to be checking all of that stuff. But I do want you to stay on your P's and Q's as far as keeping yourself safe while you're figuring out what your plan is.

[B]

Right. I mean, ultimately we can't control what another person does. And if it was completely up to you, you wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. But you're also worn the fuck out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And. And the idea that because you stay at home, you should never need a break from them kids is so as not is there a church daycare that he would trust? That's the thing. Even when you get away from this man, you are likely still going to have to co parent with him in some way.

[A]

Yeah. And you got your own indoctrination too, you're gonna have to work through as well. Cause what the fuck are y' all a part of? You Seventh Day Adventists, you Mormons? What y' all doing?

[B]

Jade? Scientologists? Let's not target specific religions. Let's just. Oh, sorry, this person wasn't specific about it. So let's just leave it up to this is their beliefs.

[A]

It's giving Mormon. But I'm just.

[B]

She is yalls favorite. She is yalls favorite. So. All right. Just saying. So the resource J talked about in New York, I would look up something like that in your city or state

[A]

or even contact them to see if they have something that's more local for them.

[B]

That's a good idea. Domestic violence counselors and people who work with abused spouses who are trying to escape that dynamic can probably help you do something to just. What we want to do is ensure your safety. First and foremost, we want to make sure you can get away from this man safely and stay away from him safely. So whatever you can do to do that. But the fact that you're like, I feel like I need somebody to talk to so I need to spend my ghetto money makes me feel like you're not really in a place yet to leave. And only you know when that is right. And a therapist can help you figure that out. So if you need to tap into your secret savings, you should actually be able to find a therapist fairly easily since you're paying out of pocket and not going through insurance. I just hate that you have to spend the money that you've been, you know, saving to get away from this man.

[A]

But needs must to these women's Centers do what? Check. Check ASEA out and.

[B]

And.

[A]

And I don't know where you at. And I'm. And it's. That's for good reason. But check them. See if they know if they have a sister center or something that's near you. I'm concerned for you.

[B]

Is there. So I come from people who are very religious. I know that we pretty much only trusted other people in our religious community. Is there any other moms or families at the church where you can just get a little bit of a break? Because, like, play dates, playgroups, anything to where you can just kind of drop them kids off for a couple hours or even, you know, another mom comes over and their kids go play. You know, they're toddlers, so somebody kind of has to keep an eye on them. But anything so that the burden is not on you 24 7. Unendingly. Like. Like something to ease things up for you because you're stressed, you're tired, these kids are wearing you out, you're lonely, and you don't have a support system. That's a lot working against you. That's a lot that therapy doesn't necessarily fix. Like, therapy can help you figure some shit out. It can't replace material support in your life. So where are your people?

[A]

That. I'm just curious, Jade. No, I mean this with the.

[B]

Everybody. Don't have people.

[A]

I. I know. I know. I do know that. I know that. I know that.

[B]

I know.

[A]

I know. I'm just like, God, what. What a place to be in this world.

[B]

It's hard.

[A]

But

[B]

the fact that I'm. I'm honestly very proud of you. I have to say it. I'm very proud of you, baby. When you said. I've been listening to you long enough to start saving some money and hiding it from this nigga, I promise you, my heart almost burst.

[A]

And let me tell you something, Mara.

[B]

I'm proud of you, baby.

[A]

My parents been married 40 years. Still married, work.

[B]

And they are so cute.

[A]

They all right. My mother has always told me and my sister, you don't tell no nigga all the money that you got. Oh, yeah. You always put. You don't ever let a nigga know how much money you got. You always put something aside for yourself.

[B]

Right?

[A]

And she's still married to my father.

[B]

Right?

[A]

So.

[B]

Because I got that you're in this situation, Nara, and you.

[A]

You have taken heed. Cause this is not the ush.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So.

[B]

So I'm very. I. I want to end on a more uplifting note. This is a sad situation. It's going to be tricky to navigate. But I am so proud of you for recognizing that it's fucked up and making moves to get you and your children out of it. I. I am beyond happy that you are in this place of, like, I deserve better. And I'm gonna actively work towards it. So congratulations.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You gonna be free of that nigga soon. Lord willing.

[A]

And fallen spells, peach pits, appleseeds, and pillows.

[B]

I want y' all to know that taking Jay's advice might land you in prison. I did not say what to do

[A]

with any of those things. I just said, these are just things that exist in the world. World. And God created them.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Cotton, peach pits, and apple seeds.

[B]

Yep. It happened. Apricot seeds.

[A]

Apricot seeds.

[B]

Just, you know, things happen sometimes. It's nature. But good luck, Nahri. Really rooting for you, baby. When you're safe somewhere else, send me another email. Let me know how you got over. Amen. All right. Fade of all fades. Thanks for having me again, girl. You're a fucking delight. Like Sunny, what you're up to and where they can find you. Jadenvlads.com all right. All right.

[A]

Email me all your business

[B]

that is gonna wrap up this week's episode of Chrysalis Couch. Follow us online at Chrystal's Couch. And if you have a question for send me an email advice at crystalscouch.

[A]

Com.

[B]

We'll see you next week.