Session 32 ft. Jade

Summary

Crissle’s Couch — Session 32 ft. Jade
CAKE MEDIA • June 23, 2026

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Overview

In this intimate and engaging episode of Crissle’s Couch, host Crissle is joined by her friend Jade for a deep-dive "mailbag" session, tackling listener letters about the challenges of friendship amidst conspiracy theories, complicated crushes, processing sexual assault, and outgrowing a long-term relationship. With their trademark blend of wit, humor, warmth, and sharp cultural insight, Crissle and Jade offer authentic, practical, and compassionate advice—not therapy, but the next best thing.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

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1. Navigating Conspiracy Theories in Friendships

[01:42 – 14:58]

• Letter Summary: Listener “Tupac Shakur” worries her lifelong best friend is falling down the internet conspiracy rabbit hole, sharing problematic content including transphobia and junk science.
• Crissle and Jade unpack:
  • The modern challenge of misinformation, especially with the growth of AI and deepfakes.
  • Empathy for friends drawn to conspiracies, given systemic abuses and mistrust (especially in Black communities).
  • The difficulties in “course correcting” a friend, and the limits of calling people out without triggering defensiveness.
  • The difference between tolerating harmless “nutty” ideas and drawing boundaries about harmful rhetoric.

Notable Quotes:

• “AI is a huge part of this problem…these fake pictures and videos are going to lead to more misinformation, more distrust, more conspiracy theories that are harder to disprove.” —Crissle [04:15]
• “Sometimes you just got to let a nutty bitch be nutty and tell him, don’t send that nutty shit to me no more.” —Jade [10:28]

Advice Given:

• Gently correct misinformation but focus your boundaries on rejecting harmful or hateful content.
• You can’t “save” someone from conspiracies, but you can set boundaries for what’s acceptable in your friendship.
• Maintain lines of communication, especially to avoid “conspiracy echo chambers.”

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2. Unrequited Crush Dynamics Among Friends

[15:02 – 26:46]

• Letter Summary: “Evelyn Braxton” is stressed over a crush on her friend’s former love interest, navigating guilt, avoidance, and the pressure to confess.
• Focus Points:
  • The misconception that every crush or feeling demands confession or action.
  • How overcompensating to “protect” others’ feelings can be insincere and self-defeating.
  • The importance of letting adults manage their own emotions.

Notable Quotes:

• “A crush doesn’t require a confession. And ultimately, this is truly just a man.” —Jade [17:13]
• “If you feel like you got an egg carton all of these people around you who you love’s feel for everything, you’re never gonna be an honest person.” —Jade [22:12]
• “It’s what we do with the crush that could be problematic. But you’re not doing anything wrong.” —Crissle [24:01]

Advice Given:

• Be honest about your feelings to yourself and, if appropriate, with others—but don’t make drama out of a passing crush.
• Stop shouldering responsibility for other people’s emotional outcomes.
• Authenticity is a core value—avoid growing resentful by artfully dodging transparent conversation.

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3. Processing the Aftermath of Sexual Assault

[27:00 – 41:16]

• Letter Summary: “Claire” is triggered by seeing her assaulter accused in the news, and struggles with guilt, shame, and lack of therapeutic support due to insurance constraints.
• Crissle and Jade’s Key Points:
  • The challenge of delayed trauma responses, especially in cases where consent was initially given but boundaries were crossed.
  • The profound benefit of strong support systems and honest disclosure to trusted friends or partners.
  • The inadequacy of self-blame—no one is responsible for being assaulted.
  • Guidance on shifting obsessive focus from the perpetrator to self-healing.

Notable Quotes:

• “Just because you consented to sex does not mean you consented to everything that man decided to do. It felt wrong. You didn’t agree to it.” —Crissle [29:11]
• “Reconnect with yourself…mindfulness, journaling, creative exercises. If therapy’s out of reach right now, look for group therapy, crisis hotlines, support groups.” —Crissle [37:10]
• “All we can do now is take a look at what’s left and try to pick ourselves up, rebuild, and move forward from here.” —Crissle [39:02]

Advice Given:

• Reach out to chosen family, friends, and partner—let them support you.
• Seek free or low-cost support groups or crisis hotlines while waiting for therapy access.
• Practice self-compassion and acknowledge the need for time in healing.
• Refocus researching energy away from the perpetrator and towards your own recovery resources.

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4. Feeling Distant & Outgrown in Long-term Relationships

[41:50 – 57:49]

• Letter Summary: “The Trunchbull” feels emotionally estranged in an 18-year relationship with her wife. Though logistics and co-parenting function well, connection, affection, and respect are missing. Divorce seems off the table for financial reasons.
• Crissle and Jade Discuss:
  • The normalcy of couples “outgrowing” each other after years and life changes.
  • The distinction between needing “structure” vs. tolerating “controlling” behavior.
  • The practical first step toward reconciliation: Deciding if both partners want to work on the relationship.
  • The dangers of performing for children or suppressing inevitable conflict.

Notable Quotes:

• “Do you want your marriage to get better, or do you want to be right?” —Crissle [44:44]
• “Sometimes people don’t like each other anymore, and they grow out of each.” —Jade [45:51]
• “Approaching the issue as a team as opposed to like, I wanna fight you, bitch. I’m fucking over it. Leave me alone with your controlling ass.” —Crissle [53:12]

Advice Given:

• Have an open (and possibly uncomfortable) talk: Do you both want this marriage to work?
• If yes, approach therapy as a united front; don’t get caught in the blame game about who initiates help.
• Remember children pick up on emotional climates—living in resentment can be more harmful than breaking up.
• Prioritize sincere communication, personal happiness, and modeling healthy relationships.

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Memorable Moments

• Tupac & Coachella Tangent:
  A comical breakdown of the infamous Tupac hologram—“This is the devil. And I don’t even say that.” (Jade, [02:27])
• Humorous Friendship Call-outs:
  Crissle clowning Jade about conspiracy theories and voting: “Cause, you know, we had to convince Jade to vote, so…” (Crissle, [08:39])
• On Pronoun “Peeves”:
  “If you are so vexed by somebody using a she, a her, a they, a cis, then you need to go figure out what your problem is.” (Jade, [12:04])
• On Men and Compliments:
  “Don’t give that nigga a complex… Men don’t need more compliments.” (Jade, [26:29])
• On Long-term Marriage:
  “You are supposed to be your top priority. Just like every other adult who doesn’t have kids…” (Crissle, [22:35])
• Therapist’s Insight:
  Crissle describes her time counseling couples: “I have seen how the sausage is made, basically. And it’s a lot of compromise.” (Crissle, [54:14])

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Segment Timestamps

• 01:42 – Letter 1: Conspiracy Theories & Friendship
• 15:02 – Letter 2: Complicated Crush (Evelyn Braxton)
• 27:00 – Letter 3: Processing Sexual Assault (Claire)
• 41:50 – Letter 4: Outgrowing a Marriage (The Trunchbull)
• 57:49 – Closing Thoughts

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Final Thoughts

Crissle’s Couch’s “Session 32” is a stellar example of the show’s signature: blending sharp cultural critique with unfiltered care. Both Crissle and Jade cut through the noise with humor, deep empathy, and nuanced understanding—making this episode an essential listen for anyone seeking guidance in friendship, love, healing, and authenticity.

Transcript

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[Chrystal]

Hi, and welcome to Crystal's Couch, the show where I answer your letters for advice and talk to the most interesting people in the world. You already know what time it is. Jadeval J's back in the studio.

[Jade]

I never change clothes.

[Chrystal]

She is back to help me answer more of your letters. We love. We've been letting it build up in the mailbag. You know, we've done a lot of interviews lately. We've done some live calls. We said, let's. Let's get back to, you know, the basics. Yeah, the things that built the foundation, period, you know? And I love going through the inbox and reading your letters. So we are gonna dive right in today with Jade. Jade, who's up first?

[Jade]

Tupac Shakur, period. It's really based off the first line of this letter. Dear Crystal, my lifelong best friend is falling down the Internet conspiracy theory pipeline, and I don't know what to do.

[Chrystal]

Oh, no.

[Jade]

One of the first deep Internet conspiracies that I ever went down was. Was Tupac conspiracies and the Illuminati.

[Chrystal]

And niggas still believe Tupac is alive.

[Jade]

Yeah, he's in, you know, the Bahamas

[Chrystal]

or Belize or something.

[Jade]

Belize. Y' all been saying he's always been in the Caribbean.

[Chrystal]

That hologram Tupac, remember that?

[Jade]

That was deeply disturbed.

[Chrystal]

So what was that? Coachella.

[Jade]

That was Coachella. Because they had that nigga on stage talking about, what's up, Coachella? And I said, oh, no, this is.

[Chrystal]

No, cut that off.

[Jade]

This is the devil. And I don't even say that.

[Chrystal]

And that was AI.

[Jade]

That was right.

[Chrystal]

Right before.

[Jade]

That was brewing. You know, it was brewing. We should have known. We should have known. Is that a Form of AI. Anyway, I'm sorry, Tupac.

[Chrystal]

Getting back to Tupac.

[Jade]

We are 37 year old black women who have been friends since the third grade and close as can be without being blood. That's why it's been so concerning to see her start to share videos in our group chats from corners of the Internet that have me wondering what the fuck is going on in her algorithms. Yeah, me too.

[Chrystal]

Yeah.

[Jade]

Some of the things she has shared have seemed innocent enough, but curiosity always leads me back to the sources of this content. Important. Where I've seen mess ranging from transphobia to outright conspiracy theories about who controls the weather. Oh, God. Oh, it's bad.

[Chrystal]

Oh, no.

[Jade]

She also decided to stop getting the COVID booster a few years back, which made me raise an eyebrow. To be clear, she hasn't shared the most egregious content from these sources with us.

[Chrystal]

Okay, that's good.

[Jade]

But it's clear by her interactions with these accounts that she is not being very discerning about her online media diet. I've tried to talk to her about being more mindful of the things we engage with and share online, but it's only resulted in her getting defensive and accusing me of talking down to her. I love my friend like a sister, and I'm worried that I may be losing her to an algorithm that is encouraging paranoias and false realities.

[Chrystal]

Yes.

[Jade]

There aren't other people in her life I feel comfortable talking to about this because I don't think they would help the situation. Do you think it's worth trying to break through to her and get her to see the error of her ways, or should I just focus on setting the boundary about what I no longer want her to share with me? I would really appreciate your input because I'm truly at a loss. Sincerely, Tupac Shakur.

[Chrystal]

Yes, Tupac, I get it. And it's crazy because we started talking about AI and it's like, AI is a huge part of this problem.

[Jade]

Yeah.

[Chrystal]

And it makes things so much worse because it's getting better. And so these fake pictures and videos are going to lead to more misinformation, more distrust, more conspiracy theories that are harder to disprove, et cetera, et cetera.

[Jade]

Yeah.

[Chrystal]

So when. So Tupac said that she tried to talk to this friend about it, and she was just, like, getting defensive and being like, why are you talking down to me? Okay.

[Jade]

Yeah.

[Chrystal]

Again, like, we've talked about it before. That is a common response to people, you know, feeling called out or.

[Jade]

And there's a thin line right there's. A fine line. Because there's a reason why people oftentimes, like, we have to look at the greater powers that be and what sends people into conspiracies in the first place, right? Yes. So it's not like they don't come from nowhere. It doesn't mean it don't be some nutty shit. Let's be real clear.

[Chrystal]

Right?

[Jade]

You know, and as a nigga who can get nutty shit adjacent,

[Chrystal]

as I

[Jade]

was reading, I was like, crystal's writing this letter and Jade is the friend.

[Chrystal]

Cause what do you mean? Who's controlling the weather, bitch? The atmosphere, air pressure.

[Jade]

What do you mean? You know? But then, you know, we got chemtrails and all kinds of things.

[Chrystal]

Just wanted to see your friend. She knew. And she knew, see Tupac. I know how it feels. She does. To be the sane, smart friend in a sea of people who are also smart but wanna crazy shit. And it's understandable because, like, Jade was starting to say, crazy shit be happening, especially to black people.

[Jade]

And we are also in an environment that is not fostering critical thinking.

[Chrystal]

Yes. Oh, extremely.

[Jade]

And discernment.

[Chrystal]

Yes. I actually don't think the children even know how to do that anymore. I don't even think critical thinking is really being taught. They can barely fucking read.

[Jade]

It's not.

[Chrystal]

So this is problematic because not only do people not know the answers, they don't know how or won't look it up for themselves. They don't know how to find trusted sources. They can't identify a reliable source. So as the friend who has a healthy dose of skepticism for especially anything to do with the government, you know, I don't want to shoot down niggas ideas about what the government might be doing because the government has done some sick shit, especially to black people. I am the person who, when this shows up in the group chat, I just refute it.

[Jade]

Yeah, she's.

[Chrystal]

And I'm not even talking about Jade.

[Jade]

Cause I'm not the worst.

[Chrystal]

Jade and Fran have to. They have to do their weirdo shit away from me. And they know that. And we do. And we do. And they know that. Let's be clear, okay?

[Jade]

We know when I put niggas in

[Chrystal]

the freezer, she's never right. But I do have other friends that y' all haven't met. And so when this comes up in my other group chats, you know, somebody like, mm. And they said all this weather, all these lightning storms happening, and the fact that California keeps setting on fire.

[Jade]

Yeah, bitch, that's global Warming, bitch.

[Chrystal]

Right, right, right. It's like, unfortunately, we do know why these things happen. This is science. And I'm happy to not even just link it, because niggas will be like, well, I hear I got a link, too. It's like, okay, but my link is from.

[Jade]

Not YouTube.

[Chrystal]

And if it is a YouTube, it's a YouTube by somebody with credentials that are verifiable. And it's not their own information that, you know, God told them or whatever. This has been published in multiple scientific journals and things along that. So I will explain it. And my friends at this point know that, like, I think they trust me. Yeah, they trust. Again, I'm not talking about Jade with this. Cause, you know, we had to convince Jade to vote, so.

[Jade]

But that was so long ago.

[Chrystal]

That was so long ago.

[Jade]

It was so long ago. I voted in so many elections since then.

[Chrystal]

But I think my friends trust my judgment. They know I'm not gonna lead them astray. Cause if I don't know the answer to something, I'll say, I think. Or maybe it's this. But if it's something where there's a clear cut, actual scientific response to this, I will just give them that. And it's not like me hitting them up and being like, girl, you keep believing random screenshots that you saw on Instagram, like, what is your fucking issue? You know, I don't approach people like that.

[Jade]

Cause it's not gonna go anywhere.

[Chrystal]

Right. But if you put something about, I read that Tia Tamara is pregnant by Joe Biden, it's like, okay, girl, what you want me to do?

[Jade]

You saw that on Facebook, didn't you? Yeah, you did.

[Chrystal]

And what I tell y' all about

[Jade]

Facebook, I think my most concerned I am with this email. You know, let a bitch figure out where the thunder's coming from. But I think what you can address.

[Chrystal]

Okay.

[Jade]

Is things like outright. Outright harmful things, such as transphobia.

[Chrystal]

Yeah.

[Jade]

You know, where literally this rhetoric is just aiding the hate of a community that is already grossly hated upon and also targeted violently. Like, your rhetoric around this can contribute to the continued harm of trans people and people of trans experience. Like, that's. That's where I feel like you can open up your mouth and say something so real, but the rest of it, you. Sometimes you just got to let a nutty bitch be nutty and tell him, don't send that nutty shit to me no more. Well, in whatever way you feel is

[Chrystal]

appropriate to deliver that message. Yes. So, you know, I think Jay brings up a great point. Of, like, if she's sharing stuff, that is demonizing a group of people that are already marginalized. And it's just that niggas are ignorant about what it means to be trans. Sometimes you may learn that your friends are actually phobic. Like, yeah. That your friend is.

[Jade]

And that's a hard pill to swallow.

[Chrystal]

That is.

[Jade]

Yeah, that's a hard. I can't be friends with you no more after that.

[Chrystal]

Cause, like, I really need you to understand that you're hating on this group of people for no fucking reason. Because you don't understand it. But you don't have to understand it. It's not your lived experience, baby. You don't have to get it. They're not hurting anybody. It would be different this.

[Jade]

During recording last night. See, somebody was complaining about pronouns. Oh, God. Because we said petty. I said, send me your petty peeves. They said, my petty peeves. He, she, pronoun. Why you can't like. And I said, I want you to assess why the fuck that's your petty peeve.

[Chrystal]

The existence of pronouns.

[Jade]

Why do you care what somebody identifies as or what pronouns they use?

[Chrystal]

And what.

[Jade]

Where did you think it was a good idea to send me that message? Of all people?

[Chrystal]

This is what I'm saying. On getting grown, you said, what's the deal with pronouns? She said it on my Instagram. Cause I posted the thing. Oh, wow. Anyway. But I'm not. We've been using pronouns for centuries.

[Jade]

Okay? Pronoun. That's a part of fucking language.

[Chrystal]

It's just part of speech.

[Jade]

But also, if you are so vexed by somebody using a she, a her, a they, a cis, then you need to go figure out what your problem is.

[Chrystal]

Yeah.

[Jade]

Okay.

[Chrystal]

Because that's your own bias. Yeah, I used to. And I will be forthcoming about this. When non binary stormed the scene, I definitely had an issue with using the singular they. Because I was like, I don't like that they is for multiple people. I'm not calling one person a they, them. And someone pointed out to me that we use the singular they all the time when we don't know the gender of the person we're talking about.

[Jade]

Right, exactly.

[Chrystal]

And just like that, I got the fuck over it. Just like that.

[Jade]

And also not to you, but anybody with the. It's not your fucking business.

[Chrystal]

Yeah.

[Jade]

Nobody asked you to use they.

[Chrystal]

Yeah.

[Jade]

And also, it's not no skin off your back for you to say it to somebody else. It's not stopping your fucking day anyway.

[Chrystal]

Yeah.

[Jade]

I say all that to say to you. Tupac, your friend, speaking on things that can harm communities is one thing, but I think there is a way for you to distance yourself from the rhetoric if you feel like the friendship itself is something that can be salvaged by just setting a boundary.

[Chrystal]

Yeah, I think if you. If you're fine with just correcting the misinformation and she takes that and is like, oh, okay, my bad, I must have fell for it again, then that's fine.

[Jade]

You know, Sounds like this bitch fell down into a pat, but.

[Chrystal]

Right, but if she's arguing with you about it, this bitch went down a path. That's when it's like, okay, babe, what?

[Jade]

I was like, you've been around my cousins. Like, what you. Who you been talking to?

[Chrystal]

Either we gotta get to a place where you learn how to identify a relia, or we can't talk about the dumb shit no more. Which one is it gonna be?

[Jade]

Yeah, is it Uchiwali or Mike?

[Chrystal]

Cause one thing about it, if I present correct information to somebody who's like, hey, have y' all heard about this thing that isn't real? And you still wanna argue with me about how it is real, even though I have all this evidence saying that it isn't, then what are we really doing here? Right? So, yeah, I think. Is there anything else here for Tupac to focus on? Yeah, if it's really irritating you that bad, then yeah. But the thing is, you don't wanna leave conspiracy theory niggas to only talk to other conspiracy theory niggas. Because, I mean, if you put two

[Jade]

betta fish in a bowl, they'll eat each other.

[Chrystal]

One of them gonna kill the other.

[Jade]

Exactly.

[Chrystal]

So natural selection and the what's your. What you will find out of these communities is the dumbest ideas rise to the top.

[Jade]

And you know what you do with shit that rises to the top in a pot? Skim it off. Skim it off and throw it away. Exactly.

[Chrystal]

Good luck, Tupac. All right, Jay, who's next?

[Jade]

Ooh, I think our next person. Oh, Evelyn. Huh?

[Chrystal]

Ooh, pretty name.

[Jade]

Evelyn Braxton.

[Chrystal]

Okay, you took it to a different place.

[Jade]

Useless reality TV shows I've ever seen.

[Chrystal]

The Braxtons was a terrible reality show.

[Jade]

Y' all's mom, it's kind of.

[Chrystal]

Well, anyway, that's why I said, you know, also.

[Jade]

But I will say that one of the funniest moments from that show in reality TV is Tamar coming in a room after her mother has some sort of neck surgery, and the lady's just laying there like a hot dog. And here come Tamar.

[Chrystal]

Evelyn.

[Jade]

Evelyn. It is one of my favorite things to watch.

[Chrystal]

Tamar Braxton was made for reality tv.

[Jade]

She was.

[Chrystal]

She is. She was perfect for that.

[Jade]

And I'm gonna leave that right there, cuz she. I'm gonna leave that right on. Evelyn Braxton says, dear Crystal Lord, what do you do when telling the truth is more damaging than keeping up a lie? I'm a 28 year old woman living in New Jersey. Over the past year, I've become close friends with my roommate, Josie's former med school classmate, Elijah.

[Chrystal]

Okay.

[Jade]

It turns out my friend Anne already knew Elijah because a co worker had tried to set them up. After meeting in person at a party, Ann decided she was interested in Elijah. Unfortunately, another friend at that same party started pursuing him shortly after, even though she knew Anne was interested.

[Chrystal]

Damn.

[Jade]

Which really hurt Ann's feelings. She has a history of friends doing this to her and it turned her off from pursuing anything with Elijah altogether. Here's the big issue. I've developed a crush on Elijah too. Bitch.

[Chrystal]

Course you have. Everybody want Elijah.

[Advertisement Voice]

Okay.

[Chrystal]

The goose with the golden dick.

[Jade]

I have zero intentions of acting on it for several reasons.

[Advertisement Voice]

What?

[Jade]

I don't know.

[Chrystal]

The goose with the golden dick.

[Jade]

I don't know.

[Chrystal]

Okay.

[Jade]

Elijah clearly got some kind of riz. As the young kid said. Yeah.

[Chrystal]

You so youthful and with it.

[Jade]

Thank you.

[Chrystal]

You're welcome.

[Jade]

I know. Hello, seventh grade. I have zero intentions of acting on it for several reasons. I would never do that to Ann. I know. A crush doesn't require a confession. Come on. Say that again. Okay. Put.

[Chrystal]

That's a big one.

[Jade]

Okay.

[Chrystal]

Yep.

[Jade]

Let's say that again for the girls in the back. I know a crush doesn't require a confess.

[Chrystal]

It does not.

[Jade]

And ultimately, this is truly just a man.

[Chrystal]

Yep.

[Jade]

I like you.

[Chrystal]

I do too.

[Jade]

Okay. I'm doing the work to get over it. Like distancing myself, avoiding one on one hangouts and not responding to his texts. The problem is he notices and doubles down, asking what's wrong? And offering to reschedule. My roommate also keeps asking why I'm icing him out and excluding him from invites to stuff. It's legitimately exhausting coming up with elaborate lies all the time to avoid him. I can't tell Ann because I worry it'll hurt her, feed her avoidant tendencies and potentially get in the way of something with Elijah that I genuinely think could be great for her if she acts on it. But the guilt of the crush is making me overcompensate in our friendship. And it's made me resent Elijah to the point where, even though I'm mostly over it, I don't want to be friends with him at all.

[Chrystal]

But I can't tell him why.

[Jade]

Damn, do I just leave the state? Any advice, Love? Evelyn Braxton.

[Chrystal]

Evelyn said, girl, I'm ready to run away from everybody I know.

[Advertisement Voice]

Okay.

[Jade]

You doing okay?

[Chrystal]

Bless that is Elijah. Six five, works out, does a little modeling on the. That's Pedo Van Dross. Elijah probably fine as hell, and he finna be adopted. Like, why doesn't anybody like me?

[Jade]

I'm the finest nigga on the planet. Come to find out, everybody likes Peabo Vandross. Everybody.

[Chrystal]

Too many. Oh, man. Okay, so the initial question here is, what do you do when telling the truth is more damaging than keeping up a lie? Is it, though? Is telling the truth more damaging than keeping up a lie here?

[Jade]

So you're stressing yourself out right now in a way that's wholly unnecessary.

[Chrystal]

I agree. Yeah. I think you are taking care of Ann's feelings in a way that is not necessary.

[Jade]

It's actually to a point where it's becoming harmful, and you're doing her no favors.

[Chrystal]

And. And to be even more specific and important, you're not doing yourself any favors. You are doing enough by knowing that Ann is your friend. Y' all have a crush on the same nigga. She said it first, so she claimed him. And so by saying a crush don't require a confession. This is just a man. I'll find another one. That is all you need to do.

[Jade]

But see, the problem is she's lying on herself first. Ooh, she lying to herself first because she already said it. She said she like Elijah. Now she's starting to resent this nigga. He don't even know why he's being resisted by kids. Yo, what?

[Advertisement Voice]

What?

[Chrystal]

Why is it fuck my drag what I do? You didn't do nothing but be six

[Jade]

five and kind and love your mother and go to therapy. So, like, really kind of. Evelyn, you're the problem here. And Ann, I get if Anne has some shit that she gotta work out because her romantic connections don't go in the way that she wants them to go. It sucks to watch. That's not your responsibility. Yes, and you can be a good friend, but you're not being a good friend to her by pacifying her and patronizing her and treating her like this

[Chrystal]

little tender booby who can't get over it. Oh, my little baby shmoopy schmoopy. No feelings are hot. Cause somebody else, like Elisha, I mean, that sucks. But it is not something like. I think Jay made an excellent point of. You are taking ownership of Ann's feelings in a way that feels really unhelpful to everybody involved, but especially to you. You can't tell Ann because it might hurt her feelings and feed her avoidant tendenc. And maybe she won't talk to Elijah no more. First of all, she's already decided not to talk to Elijah. Cause the other friend went after him, so. But this is Ann's thing to deal with. This is Ann's shit. Yeah, you can tell. And you can also. But if you really don't want to tell her, you can tell Elijah. Hey, I've been distancing myself icing you out, not inviting you to stuff because I have a crush on you and I feel guilty about it. Cause my friend also has a crush on you. So I'm trying to do the right thing. Be respectful. Like. You don't have to create these elaborate lies here. What's wrong with just being real with everybody?

[Jade]

I'd be irritated with you if I found out you was doing all of this stuff. If I'm being honest.

[Chrystal]

Cause folk. Well, you have to remember these are people in their mid to late 20s. I know, I know. So you know, we're much older, so we're like, oh, girl, whomp this nigga.

[Jade]

You right. 28. Better baby at 28. But I did call myself a teen mother, so you did.

[Chrystal]

I still do, Right? And it was wrong, then incorrect, then it's probably. And it's incorrect now.

[Jade]

Yeah, that's fine.

[Chrystal]

But, you know, that's how I felt. Ann is an adult. Ann has to be responsible for her own reactions and her own behaviors when she hears information that she doesn't like.

[Jade]

And you're creating a slippery slope for yourself altogether. Ann aside, Elijah aside, everybody aside. If you feel like you got an egg carton, all of these people around you who you love's feel for everything, you're never gonna be an honest person.

[Chrystal]

Right?

[Jade]

And then you'll be disingenuous and insincere.

[Chrystal]

Because it is no one's responsibility to put your feelings first except your own.

[Jade]

Yeah.

[Chrystal]

You are supposed to be your top priority. Just like every other adult who doesn't have kids is supposed to put themselves as their top priority. Like, you have to take care of yourself. You have to do what's good for you. You've already decided not to pursue him. That's all you have to do to Be a good friend. Yes, but the feelings themselves. It's not wrong for you to have developed a crush on Elijah. He sounds great. He sounds smart, like he's gonna be rich pretty soon. He's probably cute. He got all the hoes at every party wanting him. So liking him. Having a crush on him. You've hung out with him. Maybe you like his personality. There's nothing wrong with liking him. But you know your homegirl likes him. So you're not gonna pursue it. That is all you have to do to be a good friend. That's okay.

[Jade]

And that's enough.

[Chrystal]

And that's okay.

[Jade]

You overcompensating in the friendship right now is insincerity.

[Chrystal]

Yes.

[Jade]

And what I, more than anything in my friendships, is authenticity and sincerity. You know what I'm saying?

[Chrystal]

I agree.

[Jade]

You know what I'm saying?

[Chrystal]

I do. So I think that. And like Evelyn said, it's getting to the point where now you resenting Elijah and he ain't even do nothing.

[Jade]

And he ain't do nothing but again, be six five, love his mother, go to work, be kind in society.

[Chrystal]

All I do is exercise and fast.

[Jade]

Go back to New York from Chicago.

[Chrystal]

Why? The hoes, Right? How'd I scare the hoes? Yes. You feel guilty for your feelings.

[Jade]

Yeah. You do. You feel guilty for having a crush.

[Chrystal]

Right. But having a crush is simply having a crush. There's nothing wrong with it in and of itself.

[Jade]

Yeah.

[Chrystal]

It's what we do with the crush that could be problematic. But you're not doing anything wrong. So if you want to get over this crush on Elijah, which honestly sounds like it's for the best, then tell him so that you're not creating lies. Or at least tell the roommate. Tell somebody. Be real with somebody about why you're not having this friendship kind of Kiki dynamic with Elijah anymore. You're keeping your distance for a reason. So that you can get over him. Cause your friend has a crush on him.

[Advertisement Voice]

Yeah.

[Chrystal]

That's fair. Everybody has to be an adult about the situation.

[Jade]

And this I can't tell him. Why? You can.

[Chrystal]

You absolutely can. Like what? You scared of what's gonna happen?

[Jade]

That's what I'm trying to.

[Chrystal]

I'm like, you gonna tell your mom? You gonna get a whooping?

[Jade]

Catastrophic.

[Chrystal]

Here nothing.

[Jade]

Is life earthy.

[Advertisement Voice]

Yeah.

[Jade]

Earth is shaking.

[Chrystal]

Like, it's like you're afraid of the ramifications of having feelings, but they're just feelings. You're not acting on them. You're not gonna get a whoopin for having A crush on Elijah. Like, you're not gonna get grounded.

[Jade]

And if you lose a friend over having a crush, then that wasn't your friend.

[Chrystal]

Not over having. Right. Having the crush in and of itself. Like, girl, that's not your husband. Like, it's a man that you met at a party and was like, okay, yeah, I want to pursue something. But then it didn't work out because somebody else liked him too. And you was like, okay, I'm not gonna go after him. Then that's her choice. Yeah. Ann could have said, well, may the best bitch win then, and put on her push up bra shot. She could have said, I got something for that. Okay.

[Jade]

Oh, that's what me and Crystal would do. We'd have a grand time.

[Chrystal]

Be like, okay, so, you know, let's see. We like, may the best bitch win. Right? May the best bitch win. You taking on too much of the responsibility here you are, sugar. What can I call you?

[Jade]

F You are.

[Chrystal]

F. You're taking on too much of the burden here, baby. It's gonna be all right.

[Jade]

Yeah, y' all gonna be good. You and Ann gonna be good. You and Elijah gonna be good.

[Chrystal]

And also, don't give that nigga a complex. Go tell that nigga that ain't. Maybe don't tell him. Oh, I have a. Men don't need more compliments.

[Jade]

No, they don't.

[Chrystal]

No, they don't.

[Jade]

No, they don't. It's not you, it's me. But talk to Ann. That's your friend. Yeah. That's your homegirl.

[Chrystal]

Yeah.

[Jade]

You know what I'm saying?

[Chrystal]

Yes. And good luck to you, baby. This is not. Not the end of the world by any means. Okay, Good luck. Who's next?

[Jade]

Okay. Oh, Claire. We're just going to leave this at Claire. Trigger warning for sexual assault.

[Chrystal]

Got you serious voices on, you know.

[Jade]

You know, we gotta be respectful of the situation. Hi, Crystal. A couple years ago, I was sexually assaulted. I told a couple of friends, but I did not report it because I had entered into a consensual sexual relationship with this man. It was just that he did a couple of things without my consent for a short amount of time. Sometimes things felt aggressive, but not abusive. Brimming with violence, but not actually violent. It was an assault that was hard to prove, and it took me a long time to accept that I had been assaulted, even though my friends have pointed it out to me.

[Chrystal]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[Jade]

I stopped engaging with that man entirely, and he gradually became a figment of the past. I don't know that I ever dealt with it or processed it, but I feel like I was doing okay. I've been in a long term relationship for the past year and found the love of my life. Oh, he's helped that man who assaulted me become even smaller in my mind.

[Chrystal]

Amen.

[Jade]

Even so, my spirit for the last two years has been telling me to keep up with my assaulter and search his name for possible crimes or a forum where possibly other women were talking about their experiences with him. Yesterday I found a story on the news of him sexually assaulting and drugging women at his place of work.

[Chrystal]

Jesus.

[Jade]

There's a warrant out for his arrest and he's not been caught yet. I spent all of yesterday researching more and obsessing with the weight of this revelation. I can no longer put my experience away in a box. I just started a new job and won't have health insurance for at least three months. And I can't afford a therapist out of pocket right now. Okay. I am finding that the assault and this news are taking up more and more space in my brain. And for the first time, it has affected my sex life with my partner. I immediately cried and got emotional about not being able to be fully present with him like normal. Ooh.

[Chrystal]

Yeah.

[Jade]

As a person with a degree but not the license, do you have any suggestions on starting points of how to process my trauma in a healthy way? Thank you, Claire.

[Chrystal]

Okay. Well, Claire, I'm real. It sounds like you have great friends.

[Jade]

Yeah.

[Chrystal]

And I am so glad you have people around you who were like, girl, just because you consented to sex does not mean you consented to everything that man decided to do. It felt wrong. You didn't agree to it. And you. It sounds like you were trying to diminish it in your own mind. Then you told people who were like, no, what happened to you is actually fucked up. And it's sticking with you because it's fucked up.

[Jade]

Yeah.

[Chrystal]

So I'm really glad to hear you have that kind of support system around you. That's gonna be key. Um, it is. It's also a sign that maybe some time has passed. You stopped engaging with him entirely. Of course. Um, like you said, that's great. Um, but you never have really dealt with the pain. You've never dealt with the ramifications of what you've gone through. And we see that in the sort of obsessing over him, searching him online regularly, like you were looking for this news, basically. And now that you found it, I'm sure the spiral has just been going deeper and Deeper and deeper. Like what happened to you is now at the forefront of your mind. And it makes sense because it was never properly handled in the first place. And even if you. I wanna be clear, you could have immediately gone into therap two years ago and you could very possibly have still been going down this same spiral once you found out about what this man had done.

[Jade]

Because sounds like your spirit knew.

[Chrystal]

Yes, that. Right.

[Jade]

Which we just talked about.

[Chrystal]

Yes, we talked about this last week. How it. Unfortunately, people who assault others in this way don't really stop at one. And it's almost like you were just waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to say. But again, it sounds like you have a great partner, you have great friends. My very first recommendation would be to call on your people, get them together, tell them what's going on, tell them what you found out and all the feelings that are coming up for you. Shame, grief, guilt, whatever it may be. Get that out to your safe spaces since therapy is not an option for you.

[Jade]

Yeah, absolutely. And it sounds like, you know, like you're battling with your feelings versus what you actually know to be true.

[Chrystal]

Right.

[Jade]

And all of these things are very fair. So I completely agree with you. Lean into your community right now while you can't get the professional help that you need. And yeah, let's take this nigga out. Like, you know what I'm saying? Point the finger. I don't mean physically.

[Chrystal]

Cause, you know, I was finna I was finna give that disclaimer right between

[Jade]

the eyes, but I hope they get that nigga together with this warrant, you know what I'm saying?

[Chrystal]

I know, right?

[Jade]

Cause you are a predator. You are a predator in society.

[Chrystal]

Rapists and others, people who commit sexual crimes, they really challenge my whole.

[Jade]

The system. They're the only ones that challenge you. What do you mean?

[Chrystal]

Damn. Maybe the system, you know, how doing something right.

[Jade]

No, that's why I never say dismantle the prison system. I say dismantle. Yeah, the prison system.

[Chrystal]

Yeah.

[Jade]

And save it for the people who really deserve it.

[Chrystal]

Yeah.

[Jade]

The creeps, the pedophiles, the. Like you said, the rapists, the sexual assault. Like those people.

[Chrystal]

No.

[Jade]

Lock them niggas up.

[Chrystal]

Yes.

[Jade]

I feel very passionately about that.

[Chrystal]

Yes. But stop.

[Jade]

But no, don't go lock up a trans lady.

[Chrystal]

Right.

[Jade]

You know what I'm saying?

[Chrystal]

Right.

[Jade]

That's where the system don't work.

[Chrystal]

Right. I'm very. I'm picky about who I think belong behind bars.

[Jade]

Absolutely.

[Chrystal]

And this man is one of them. Don't get me wrong, I won't be marching for men who do shit like this. Baby, you won't catch me in the streets. Claire, I'm sorry, but you. I have to strongly recommend as soon as your insurance kicks in, to start seeing a therapist. Until then, you need to talk about it again. Those friends. You're a man. You have got to let this out. Um, you've been spending a lot of time online researching obsessing. Obsessing, I would say shift your focus there from like him to you.

[Jade]

Yeah.

[Chrystal]

Google, how do I take care of myself after sexual assault? Or support for sexual assault victims. How do I process, you know, having somebody sexually violate me? Look for. Instead of more stuff about him, look for more resources for you.

[Jade]

Yeah, I'm glad you said that too, because there was another, and it's not necessarily wrong, but there was a space in here where you talked about how your current partner. And as healthy as that relationship is, has helped to minimize that person's effect in your life. That still reliance on another person. And so I do agree with you wholeheartedly that there might need to be some pivoting of focusing inward overall so that no matter who's in your life, you can exist in a way that feels good for you and is healthy for you.

[Chrystal]

Right. And a therapist will definitely help you get there. Again, I cannot suggest enough finding a therapist as soon as you're financially able, but we lean on what we have. You know, we use the resources that are available to us. And if your man is as great and supportive and loving and all this as he sounds, then he should absolutely be able to hold it down for you for a few months, listen to you talk about the things you went through, how scared you were, how fucked up this was, how powerless you felt, how you didn't even wanna acknowledge it as assault to yourself. This is stuff that your therapist is maybe the most efficient space to hear this, because they can really help you work through it. But since that's not an option right now, the people closest to you, this is the sort like, this is what friends and family and husbands and wives are for. This is what community is for.

[Jade]

So, yeah, lean on your village.

[Chrystal]

Ask for that help right from your village. Show yourself compassion and love and patience. Cause you've been through a lot of bullshit that you have kind of just pushed down without dealing with. And as we see, these things will come up. Like pushing it down only works for a short amount of time. That is not a permanent solution.

[Jade]

That's an eruption.

[Chrystal]

Yes, it is. Waiting to happen. Yes, it is. And so letting go, I would not be surprised at all if you felt some guilt or shame about this. Especially for people who were sexually assaulted by someone that they did give consent to, we see a lot of guilt. As if you could have possibly predicted or known that that man was gonna do that to you. Ex. Consented to having sex in a certain way or things like that. Like you consented to, that you did not consent to, the things you did not consent to. But that guilt of, I should have never said yes to him, I should have never went out with him, I should have never. Blah, blah, blah. Like you start beating your own ass, letting go of that guilt and shame of what happened to you is going to be so, so paramount in your healing. This takes time. So it's not something that I think, you know, in a week or two, you're gonna be over it. But people blame for all kinds of shit. Ooh, why did I wear that? Why did I drink so much? Why did I get high? Why didn't I leave the house sooner? Why didn't I?

[Jade]

Absolutely.

[Chrystal]

Yeah. And you have to remember that you didn't choose to be assaulted.

[Jade]

No, it happened to you.

[Chrystal]

You didn't ask for it and you didn't deserve it. So reconnecting with yourself is going to be very important. Mindfulness, journaling, creative exercises. Oh, if that's a thing. If since one on one therapy is out of reach for you right now, look for group therapy. Group therapy. Survivors of sexual assault in your area. They might have online stuff.

[Jade]

There might be a group specifically for sexual assault victims who have been assaulted by a consenting. A partner. Exactly.

[Chrystal]

Yes, there might be, but group therapy, I mean, it has its limitations, but it is excellent for stuff like this. Because after something like this happens, the guilt and shame of it makes so many people feel isolated that it's their fault. They're not the perfect victim. They could have done this or that and they didn't. You need to not need to. But it's very, very useful in a lot of cases to be around other people who have experienced something similarly fucked up and who are managing it. And then there's a therapist who is guiding the whole conversation. So it's not tailored to you, but you can still get a lot of benefit out of it.

[Jade]

Absolutely.

[Chrystal]

You don't need to Google nothing else about that. Man, I know it's gonna be hard, but I would advise you to stop looking him up specifically whether he goes to jail or not. Like, it sounds like you are maybe feeling Compelled to look that up up, I'm going to gently urge you to, to let that go. And every time you feel like googling him or saying like, have the police caught him yet? Or is it more charges? Is it more victims again, turn that search to you.

[Jade]

Yeah.

[Chrystal]

Turn all that effort that you are putting into this man into you. Because what is. What has happened has happened. There is nothing anybody can do to rewind time and make it not happen. All we can do now is take a look at what's left and try to pick ourselves up, rebuild, and move forward from here.

[Jade]

That's literally it.

[Chrystal]

Yeah. Aw.

[Jade]

Praying your peace. Praying your peace.

[Chrystal]

Oh, God, I'm glad that you have

[Jade]

a strong village around you.

[Chrystal]

I can't tell you enough how important that is. Like having even one safe person where you could say, girl, remember a couple years ago when such and such happened? I just, I feel like I'm really not over it. And then the other day I saw online that he did the same thing to a bunch of people at work. And I've just been spiraling ever since. That's a way to start the conversation and then just. It sounds. Again, it sounds like you have incredible friends and an incredible partner to just have somebody to bounce off of.

[Jade]

Also give yourself grace in this intimacy period with your partner. You know what I'm saying? Because.

[Chrystal]

Yes. And your partner should absolutely understand, absolutely 100%.

[Jade]

If you have a baby vaginally, fully healthy, you don't tear none of that. You still can't fuck for six weeks. Right?

[Chrystal]

Right.

[Jade]

So if you're going through it right now personally and your partner is as lovely and as supportive as they sound, then you needing a moment to, to. To focus on that and being able to communicate that to them is, is you should. You are allowed that.

[Chrystal]

Yes, you are more than allowed. You deserve that kind of care. There are also crisis hotlines and online chats that, where you can speak with somebody trained to help people who have been through something like this, who can maybe provide some free or low cost resources in your area. So again, every time you feel the need to look up him, look up something for you. Because you need the healing. You need the help. You deserve your time and energy and effort. Fuck that nigga.

[Jade]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck him eight ways from Sunday.

[Chrystal]

Wow.

[Jade]

Look, I hope your community consists of a range of black women.

[Chrystal]

The system can have his ass as far as I'm concerned.

[Jade]

Baby, I know what I'd be doing with some safety pins and a black candle tonight. Anyway.

[Chrystal]

It's crazy because I be agreeing with Jade. It's just. I don't wanna say that on camera. She don't.

[Jade]

I will.

[Chrystal]

She be like, dive between the eyes.

[Jade]

I be like. I don't say the worst of it. I just tell her no.

[Chrystal]

I know this is you holding back.

[Jade]

I am.

[Chrystal]

It really is. Best of luck, sweetheart. All right, Jade, I think we have time for one more.

[Jade]

Okay, let's see. What do I want to call this one?

[Chrystal]

Lord. Oh.

[Advertisement Voice]

Hmm.

[Jade]

Mm. We'll call her the Trunchbull.

[Chrystal]

The Trunchbull.

[Jade]

I don't know, I just. Matilda's been on my mind lately.

[Chrystal]

I love that. Hi, Crystal.

[Jade]

I'm a woman who's been with the same woman for about 18 years.

[Chrystal]

Of course you have. Trunchburn.

[Jade]

I didn't mean to do that. I promise. We have two children together and we handle our shit beautifully. When it comes to the logistics of raising kids, she's very controlling and knows it. And for a while, I needed that. I also needed fashion help and she provided that too. Oh, okay. But for the past 10 years, I've been in therapy and working on myself, and I actually think now that I'm a pretty decent, kind person who doesn't care if I'm the most fashionable bitch rolling up to work every day.

[Chrystal]

Real. So real.

[Advertisement Voice]

Right.

[Jade]

The problem is that I don't think my wife and I like each other very much. We don't have sex anymore and she likes to hang out and be social while I'm an introvert with a full time job in this godforsaken country and have to be in an office five days a week. My kids are very important to me and I prioritize bringing in a paycheck, putting food on the table every day of the week, and spending time with my kids. My plate is full and when I have time, I just want an hour by myself. Lately, when I try and talk with her about anything outside of logistics, she just doesn't respond in a way that makes me think she cares. The other day I brought up a co worker who had a tragedy occur in their life and I wanted help writing a card for her. I pointed out that it's doubly hard for this co worker because she can't take any leave from work. But my wife just chuckled and called me a Debbie Down. The past year has been really rough because I work for the government and I'm constantly afraid of losing my job as the sole breadwinner.

[Chrystal]

Understandable.

[Jade]

I'm really missing having a partner who I feel Likes me, appreciates me, and respects me. Divorce is really expensive, and I don't think that's in the cards right now. Okay, I know we need couples therapy, and my question is, how do I ask her to set that up for us? She's the one who's always telling me to find one, but I've done my work with my own therapy, and I feel like since she isn't in therapy, she needs to set up the appointment because she's the one who always has the opinions on shit. Should I sit?

[Chrystal]

That is married people, boy. Okay, I'm sick of doing everything. God damn. Should I send an email for her

[Jade]

with the list of therapists I found who are in network? Sometimes that's better than communicating in person because she gets so defensive, which sets me off in being defensive. What do you do when you've outgrown your marriage? I'd appreciate any advice you have, and I'm grateful for your voice in this world.

[Chrystal]

Thank you.

[Jade]

The trunchbull.

[Chrystal]

The Trunchbull. Oh, babes.

[Jade]

Oh, babes.

[Chrystal]

Well, do you. Do you want your marriage to get better, or do you want to be right?

[Jade]

That's a valid question, and nobody can answer that but you.

[Chrystal]

No, it really can't. But. But you gave us all this backstory, and then you said, my question is, how do I get my wife to set up therapy for us? Do you want your marriage to work?

[Jade]

I have so many questions before that, though.

[Chrystal]

Really, I do. Are they relevant to the advice that you want to give, or are you just trying to satisfy your own curiosity?

[Jade]

Don't therapize me a new question. Does this nigga got a job? Like, yeah, she said she's the sole.

[Chrystal]

The wife probably stays home and takes care of the kids. We don't know how old the kids are. So it sounds like the wife stays home, takes care of the house and the kids. And the trunch bull is at the school every day, working for the government, terrorizing them children at the government school.

[Jade]

Sometimes niggas don't like each other no more.

[Chrystal]

Mm.

[Jade]

And that's okay.

[Chrystal]

Damn.

[Jade]

It's like that. Y' all been together for 18 years, right? Sometimes people don't like each other anymore, and they grow out of each.

[Chrystal]

They do.

[Jade]

Sometimes we feel like we. We have. We don't like a person anymore because we haven't put in the work. And we are resentful because they haven't put in the work either.

[Advertisement Voice]

Ooh.

[Jade]

Sometimes that is the truth, and that makes sense. And I think that goes back to your original question. Do you want to like this nigga again?

[Chrystal]

Right?

[Jade]

Or nah.

[Chrystal]

Right.

[Jade]

Because that's really. You're saying divorce is not really an option right now. It's a very expensive option. Although maybe, you know what? I don't know where you live and what the 50, 50 alimony situation looks like. Divorce is not an option right now, and it's an expensive option.

[Chrystal]

Right.

[Jade]

Do you want to like this nigga?

[Chrystal]

Do you want this marriage to work?

[Jade]

Yeah.

[Chrystal]

You said that when y' all first got together, she was very controlling, and you needed that.

[Jade]

I would.

[Chrystal]

I'd venture to say that you didn't need controlling as much as you needed structure and routine.

[Jade]

Structure, Right, Exactly.

[Chrystal]

Controlling is something quite different.

[Advertisement Voice]

Yes.

[Chrystal]

And it sounds like you spent 10 years in therapy. You've grown and gotten to this new place, but your wife is still very used to her role as, like, running you and, I don't know, setting out your outfits before you went to work in the morning and things like that. That you don't really need her. That the dynamics of your relationship have changed. What you need from one another has changed, which makes sense because y' all been together for almost 20 years.

[Jade]

Yeah.

[Chrystal]

So, yeah, things do shift and roles do change, especially as children enter the picture and grow up. Right.

[Jade]

Yeah.

[Chrystal]

Right. So I think if you all are in agreement about couples therapy and you have a list of therapists who are in network, I don't know that, like, emailing that to her and being, like, make an appointment is necessarily the best approach.

[Jade]

I'd ask her if she even wants to like you again. Like, do y' all want to like each other?

[Chrystal]

Yeah. Is this is. Do we want to be in this marriage? Like, kids aside, divorce is expensive aside, do we want to try to make this work? Y' all have to have that conversation

[Jade]

first before a therapist comes in.

[Chrystal]

And if you both say, yeah, I don't know what's happened. We've drifted apart. Things have gotten weird. But I want to try you. Like, I do still feel like you're my person. I want to try to make this work. Then y' all can. Then you can say, well, I found a list of therapists. Do you want to pick one and see if they have availability? Something like that, where it's like, we're on. Not you taking on all the responsibility or her being controlled, but you all approaching the problem together as a team. Yes. It's the two of you versus the problems in your marriage, not your problems versus her problems.

[Jade]

Right. Cause y' all are a family.

[Chrystal]

I mean, and. But again, that is if you actually want to keep this relationship. That is if the both of you actually want to keep this marriage. Right.

[Jade]

Yeah. Y' all niggas are still a family. You got kids.

[Chrystal]

Oh, yes. You'll be.

[Jade]

You still gotta deal with this.

[Chrystal]

You'll be linked forever because of them children.

[Jade]

Exactly.

[Chrystal]

So that's always gonna be either your wife or your ex wife and the mother of your kids.

[Jade]

Exactly. Like I don't. So y' all have to deal with each other. It's a matter of how you want to deal with each other and just having a very transparent conversation around us. Yeah.

[Chrystal]

And that's hard, right?

[Jade]

That's hard. We're almost two decades under your belt.

[Chrystal]

Yeah.

[Jade]

For me to come to the table and be like, you know what? We don't like each other right now. And I think, honestly, I don't.

[Advertisement Voice]

I don't think.

[Chrystal]

And maybe I don't wanna like you anymore.

[Jade]

That's a hard conversation to have.

[Chrystal]

Yeah.

[Jade]

And I think people have to.

[Chrystal]

It is.

[Jade]

They have to grapple with whether, you know, they ready to say that before they can even have all of those, you know, so. Aw, this is not easy.

[Chrystal]

It's not. And it could also be, you know, on your wife's side, it's like, well, I've been this way since you met me, and now all of a sudden it's a problem. Now all of a sudden I'm too controlling and I'm too defensive and I have too much fashion sense. And you want me to let you go outside looking crazy like you got me fucked up. But the fact that you've been in therapy and your wife hasn't, I'm not shocked.

[Jade]

You've been at work and your wife hasn't. No. She said that? No, she said, I be at work, I be putting food on the table. She be gallivanting in these streets.

[Chrystal]

She doesn't have a job. That don't mean she don't work, though.

[Jade]

Oh, you right.

[Chrystal]

Taking care of the home, raising them kids. That's not. No, no, no, no.

[Jade]

I'm not saying that's nothing. But if you're telling me you're putting

[Chrystal]

all the food, what, and she likes this.

[Jade]

I need some clarity.

[Chrystal]

She likes to hang out and be social. You like to be introverted at home after you done at work, you wanna be with the kids.

[Jade]

Maybe her wife is the stay at home.

[Chrystal]

I think she's a full time mom caretaker, which is a lot of fucking work.

[Jade]

It's a lot of work.

[Chrystal]

It is. I wouldn't wanna do it. Give me a job.

[Jade]

She's a working stay at home mother.

[Chrystal]

Okay.

[Jade]

I'm a stay at home mom who works from home.

[Chrystal]

It's a almost nevermind. I almost said it's the worst of both worlds. Yeah, nigga, it is.

[Jade]

I'm sitting here recording with my kids in the front of the studio. Cause you at school today.

[Chrystal]

You are. Cause I married a teacher.

[Jade]

Suck.

[Chrystal]

So, you know, balance, et cetera.

[Jade]

Yeah. Y' all need to figure out if you want to like each other again first.

[Chrystal]

Yes. And you have other stressors that aren't just this marriage. You are the sole breadwinner. That's a scary position to be in. Cause the whole family's livelihood rests on you. And you work for the government. So you never know if Trump is just gonna decide one day to eliminate your whole fucking department and everybody you work with don't have a job no more. Because then people doing whatever the fuck they wanna do. So it's other stressors too, that are contributing here. And. And I think couples therapy is a great entryway because it can also be a way for your wife to realize that she needs help too.

[Jade]

It could also be a veil lifter in you and being the final step in you saying, you know what? This is the decision that I want for my life, moving forward, whatever that decision is.

[Chrystal]

Right.

[Jade]

So.

[Chrystal]

Right. But being like, well, you need to be the one to set up the therapy. Cause you don't want to always got something to say about shit.

[Jade]

Yeah.

[Chrystal]

Nah, that ain't it.

[Jade]

That ain't gonna do shit, babes. That ain't gonna do nothing but cause a ruckus.

[Chrystal]

Yes. So. So I would recommend having that initial conversation of like, what are we doing here? What do we want to do here? Are we still. I know we not aligned right now.

[Jade]

Yeah.

[Chrystal]

But do we both want this to work? And if the answer is yes. All right, babe, I. Here's a list of therapists that I found from the insurance that I get from my job. Thank God. Can you call one of these people or check out their website or whatever, see if they're somebody who specializes in queer couples counseling. Even better. Even better.

[Jade]

Yes.

[Chrystal]

But, you know, approaching the issue as a team as opposed to like, I wanna fight you, bitch. I'm fucking over it. Leave me alone with your controlling ass.

[Jade]

I know another thing too, is if you ask your wife. Wife. To be the person to initiate this once you hand over that list. And she doesn't really take steps, that may also Give you information that you need for yourself.

[Chrystal]

So, yes, because you can't say that you want to work on the marriage and then not be willing to do anything to work towards saving the marriage. Because you have grown up, you have matured. There are things that don't work for you anymore. And we don't know her side of it. But a therapist can sit there and talk to the both of you, get some insight, provide you with some feedback and things for you all to work on in between sessions. I did couples counseling in grad school. I fucking loved it. Oh, did you? I loved it.

[Jade]

Amazing.

[Chrystal]

It was. It was so enlightening to see what y' all going through. And I tell you what, it cured me of feeling like, God. Oh, marriage. You know, my person, like, not saying I don't wanna have a partner or share my life with someone. But it's not like I'm gonna feel some type of way about myself if I never find that. And I for sure don't envy anybody's marriage. Cause I have seen, you know, I've seen how the sausage is made, basically. And it's a lot of compromise. There's a lot of compromise going on.

[Jade]

That's the biggest fucking thing.

[Chrystal]

Yes. There's a lot of back and forth. Because it's a whole nother grown person that you're sharing your life with. So it can't just be your way or her way. It has to be a new, magical third way that the two of you come up with together.

[Jade]

Because it's not just your personalities and your individual emotions either. It's your background.

[Chrystal]

It's y' all bringing two totally different

[Jade]

backgrounds into one space and figuring out how to merge that together and meld that together.

[Chrystal]

Yes. Both of you are bringing all of your baggage and all of your shit into this dynamic.

[Jade]

How you were raised, your principles, the things that were instilled in you. All of those things.

[Chrystal]

Absolutely. For better and for worse.

[Jade]

Yep.

[Chrystal]

So, yeah, I think we've given you quite a bit here to think about. I hope it. I hope you and your wife are aligned. But if not, put her in the Chucky.

[Jade]

No, I'm just playing. I just had to do that. Cause I. I gave you that name. She didn't do anything wrong here, so I'm just playing. I got a couple niggas. I put in a chokey from this episode, though.

[Chrystal]

So I hope that your path forward becomes more illuminated as you all seek out therapy or not. Because if your wife. I mean, maybe y' all have a conversation, y' all like, this is over.

[Jade]

That could be a thing.

[Chrystal]

It could be.

[Jade]

Yes, that could be a thing.

[Chrystal]

And you can mourn that because it's the end of something amazing that y' all have. And you can say, if we're better off apart, that means our kids are better off apart. And we with us apart. And we can focus on being the best co parents we can be, because that is the.

[Jade]

Stop staying with the person for the kids. Cause you ain't doing.

[Chrystal]

The kids are not better off if y' all hate each other.

[Jade]

Okay.

[Chrystal]

They are not better off with y' all being married. If y' all are fucking disgusted by each other's preference. And it's okay to say this has actually run its course and it's over if it is over. Like, you all have decided that regardless of what happens between the two of you, you are going to take equal part in raising other human beings.

[Jade]

Exactly.

[Chrystal]

So they have to be a top priority in this dynamic for sure.

[Jade]

And please keep in mind that whatever is going on with y', all, that energy, them kids see that, and that's what they normalize. Ooh.

[Chrystal]

Yes.

[Jade]

As what a relationship is supposed to look like.

[Chrystal]

Yes, indeed.

[Jade]

And kids will feel resentment whether you think you doing a grand theatric job

[Chrystal]

of hiding it or not, because y' all do. Your kids pick up on the vibes, babe.

[Jade]

Yeah. Kids are little witches. Okay.

[Chrystal]

I mean, they live in the house, too. Yeah. They know when shit ain't right, so

[Jade]

you know, they feel that shit and don't take that for granted.

[Chrystal]

Indeed.

[Jade]

I pray the best outcome for you are that it's best for yourselves, individually and collectively as a family.

[Chrystal]

Indeed. Good luck, miss Trunchbull. All right, that's gonna wrap up this week's episode of Chrysalis Couch. Everybody say, thank you, Jade. Thank you, Jade, for being here. Follow her online at JadeofallJades and find her her at Child. Every podcast I'm every fucking.

[Jade]

It's disgusting actually getting grown.

[Chrystal]

Jade Nextie. Y' all know where she's at. You can follow my little show at Chrystal's Couch, and if you have a question for me, please send me an email. Babes advicelesscouch.com all right, we'll see you next week.