Session 33: Calling Crissle

Summary

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Crissle’s Couch – Session 33: Calling Crissle (June 30, 2026)

Episode Overview

In this emotionally resonant episode, Crissle takes listener calls to deliver her signature mix of sharp truth, compassion, and lived experience. The episode centers on listeners struggling with fraught relationships—parental estrangement, family mental health crises, and the difficulties of navigating friendships marred by substance abuse and violence. Through candid advice and gentle accountability, Crissle helps callers unpack their concerns and empowers them to pursue clarity and healthier boundaries.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Estranged Parent Dynamics

Caller: Shantel
Topic: Is my father right for ghosting me, and how do I know when to give up on reconnecting?

• Background ([01:50]–[06:40]):

  • Shantel describes a history of a distant, inconsistent relationship with her father, who disappeared from her life after age nine, reconnected for her college graduation, and was minimally present thereafter.
  • A recent attempted meetup ended with her father abruptly canceling dinner plans, berating her, and accusing her of disrespect, ultimately leading to him blocking and ignoring her.
  • Since then, Shantel has reached out multiple times with no response.

• Crissle’s Insights ([06:48]–[12:00]):

  • Crissle expresses sympathy, calling the father’s actions “extremely petty” and “absurd.” She notes the hypocrisy of expecting availability when he wasn't present most of Shantel's life.
    • “It sounds like maybe you weren’t as available as he wanted you to be that day, but it also sounds like he wasn’t available to you for the overwhelming majority of your childhood.” ([06:48])
  • She validates Shantel’s feelings and points out the power imbalance and manipulation:
    • “He had the responsibility of being an active present parent, and he failed at that… Maybe he expected to be treated like a priority, even though he never put in a priority level of work.” ([11:52])
  • Crissle reassures Shantel that the power to choose whether to keep the door open for future contact lies with her now, not her father.
    • “The power is fully in your hands at this point… just because he’s acting like this now doesn’t mean that you don’t get to take some sort of control here and say, you know what? This is the last time you play with me.” ([15:40])

• Memorable Quote

  • "Immature people want a level of respect that they have not earned." ([13:52])
  • “This can be the last time that he hurts you. If that's what you want. It really can.” ([15:54])

Segment Timestamps:

• Shantel’s story: [01:50]–[06:40]
• Crissle’s response & caller reflection: [06:48]–[17:34]

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2. Supporting Family in Mental Health Crisis

Caller: Aria
Topic: How do you support a family member with severe, untreated mental illness, especially in a religious context that discourages formal intervention?

• Background ([22:27]–[25:31]):

  • Aria’s aunt, likely struggling with undiagnosed bipolar or schizoaffective disorder, has begun making wild, unfounded accusations on social media and at church, resulting in serious consequences for Aria’s mother and the broader family.
  • The family’s religious culture defaults to prayer rather than mental health intervention, and no formal diagnosis exists.

• Crissle’s Advice: ([25:31]–[37:38])

  • She introduces the "LEAP" method for approaching delusional or mentally ill relatives:
    • Listen: Don’t push back against delusions, simply hear them out.
    • Empathize: Validate the feelings (“That must be scary”).
    • Agree: Find neutral common ground (“We both want you to feel safe/happy”).
    • Partner: Try to work together toward solutions (“Can I help you get a new ID?”).
    • “You just let them know that you’re listening… you’re not encouraging the misguided beliefs and you’re not arguing either.” ([28:30])
  • Crissle acknowledges this process is slow, often unrewarding, and may never “fix” the problem, but it can help maintain connection or open the door to eventual intervention.
  • She notes that if things escalate toward harm or threats, seeking professional intervention—even involuntary—may be necessary.

• Notable Moments

  • “That’s because you’re in your right mind. And it sounds like your auntie is not.” ([27:18])
  • The story of the church literally refunding a member’s lifetime tithes: “I literally never in my life heard of a church giving back the money... they said, ‘Here’s a full refund. Go home, please.’” ([24:24])

Segment Timestamps:

• Aria’s story: [22:27]–[25:31]
• LEAP method explained: [28:30]–[37:38]

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3. Friendship, Abuse, and Substance Use

Caller: Tina
Topic: Is it time to let a lifelong friendship go when I learn my best friend is abusive and struggles with alcoholism?

• Background ([41:29]–[55:27]):

  • Tina and her best friend Jay have been close for over a decade. Jay pressures Tina into drinking, drinks to blackout, drives drunk, and recently described beating her partner in a violent outburst after learning he’d cheated. Despite this, Jay remains with the partner, and downplays her behavior.
  • Tina feels uncomfortable, has distanced herself emotionally, and wonders if she has the right to bring up these issues or should let the friendship fade.

• Crissle’s Guidance: ([44:24]–[61:25]):

  • Crissle affirms that Tina is not responsible for Jay’s choices; it’s "absurd" for Jay to imply otherwise.
    • “There’s nothing you could have said or done to control her behavior… you are not in control of that grown woman.” ([45:20])
  • She validates Tina’s discomfort over both the substance abuse and the incident of severe violence:
    • “Knowing that they treated someone like that... I don’t think I could be comfortable calling someone a close friend or a best friend.” ([47:30])
  • Stresses that it is more than okay—and in fact, healthy—to bring up these issues, especially after sitting with them for a year.
    • “I think you have to say something about it so that you’re honoring the fact that you. You don’t like this.” ([57:47])
  • Recommends approaching Jay from a place of concern rather than judgment, ideally in person, and being clear about the specific behaviors that are worrying—drunk driving, violence, and the way those clash with Tina’s values.
    • “I would approach it more like, I understand wanting to go out and get drunk. Like, I also enjoy a little rum and coke in the club. But it’s really a problem, sis, like, to get behind the wheel and go home. Like, I don’t want to lose you.” ([55:27])
  • Makes space for the real grief in possibly outgrowing a formative friendship, but emphasizes personal integrity and emotional well-being.
    • “We can't abandon ourselves and what we know is right… in the pursuit of keeping a friendship. That may not be.” ([58:47])

• Closing Thoughts

  • “Sometimes we are in situations with friends where we don't really know how to handle the dynamic. It's like, yeah, you grown, but I don’t really know what to do here. I'm worried about you. I don't like this. How do I approach it?” ([59:39])

Segment Timestamps:

• Tina’s story: [41:29]–[55:27]
• Crissle’s response & deep dive: [44:24]–[61:25]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On parents: “Immature people want a level of respect that they have not earned.” (Crissle, [13:52])
• On abusive friendships: “We can't abandon ourselves and what we know is right… in the pursuit of keeping a friendship.” (Crissle, [58:47])
• On mental illness interventions: "You just let them know that you’re listening… you’re not encouraging the misguided beliefs and you’re not arguing either.” (Crissle, [28:30])
• On relinquishing control: "The power is fully in your hands at this point… This can be the last time that he hurts you. If that's what you want. It really can.” (Crissle, [15:40]; [15:54])
• On difficult conversations: “Bringing it up again from a place of concern and not judgment, because even young people who drink to excess… they're normally drinking for a reason. There's some kind of pain there.” (Crissle, [60:33])

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Timestamps for Critical Segments

• [01:50] – Shantel’s father ghosting situation
• [06:48] – Crissle’s advice to Shantel, validation of hurt, and boundary-setting
• [22:27] – Aria’s aunt’s mental health and family disruption
• [28:30] – Crissle explains the LEAP method for dealing with delusional relatives
• [41:29] – Tina’s dilemma with a violent, alcoholic best friend
• [44:24] – Crissle’s guidance on friendship boundaries and interventions
• [57:47] – Reaffirmation that it's healthy to speak up about what bothers you, even in old friendships
• [60:33] – Recommendation on in-person difficult conversations and broader reflection on the challenge of confronting loved ones

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Summary Takeaways

• You have the right to set boundaries in relationships with parents—even those who have historically absented themselves from your life.
• Supporting loved ones in mental health crises requires patience, empathy, and strategy; you cannot force change, especially when denial is deep-seated.
• Longstanding friendships may not survive great shifts in values or harmful behaviors. It is not disloyal to prioritize your safety and well-being.
• Difficult conversations are best handled in person, approached with concern rather than judgment, and anchored in honest reflection about what you need and can accept.

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Crissle’s Couch continues to offer a safe, witty, and deeply empathetic space for tough love, personal growth, and the kind of honest advice that listeners turn to when “this isn’t therapy—but it just might be the next best thing.”

Transcript

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[Crystal]

hi and welcome to Chris Couch, the show where I answer your letters for advice and talk to the most interesting people in the world. I'm back to talking to more of you live callers this week. So let's not hesitate. Let's jump right on in. Who's up first?

[Shantel]

It's Shantel.

[Crystal]

Hi, Shantel. How are you?

[Commercial Announcer]

Good.

[Shantel]

How about you?

[Crystal]

I'm doing good. What's going on with you?

[Shantel]

Well, overall, I want to see was my dad right for ghosting me?

[Crystal]

Oh, okay.

[Shantel]

Okay. So a little background. My dad and I have had a kind of distant relationship. I grew up with my mom, primarily. My dad and I lived in the same state up until I was about nine, the second oldest out of five kids. And so I'm 29 right now.

[Aria]

Okay.

[Shantel]

Live in the same state until I was nine. After I moved, I didn't see him until I was 22. So in between that timeframe, we kind of have just like phone calls, conversations here and there, or I Wouldn't hear from him from time to time. But after I finally saw him when I was 22, that was for my college graduation, post adulthood, it was like, oh, I'm sorry for not being there. I want to continue having a relationship but it's kind of like, you know, the phone works both ways type of situation. But I also make an effort to fly out and see him in the different state that he was in. So it was fun. It was fun. But the most recent time that I went to go see him was for a work trip and I was like, hey, I'm going to be there for about few days, very quick, but I still want to make some time to see you. He was like, okay cool, I'm a scheduled dinner, I'm busy this afternoon but I'll let you know when we have the. I was like, okay, cool. Soon as I was landing, I was running around like a chicken with his head cut off immediately. Immediately. Answering emails at the airport, I found some time to link up with my sister who's on my dad's side. We got brunch, texted him letting him know, hey, I landed about to go get brunch with my sister. Yeah, I called during brunch but I didn't answer because she was in the middle of talking about some personal things. I was like, okay, I'll call him later. After that I went to go to a hotel, had some more work calls to go join on. He called my sister to see where I was and she let me know like, oh hey, she's working. Then around, I texted him like, hey, me and my sister are about to go look at some wedding venues because I was getting married. I was looking at some Venus at the time too. So like I'm saying it's a jam packed day, right? So then he was like, so that's at 5 I'll let him know. I'm like, hey, I'm looking at wedding venues. Then he texts me like hey, I got reservations for 7:30, can you make it? I was like, oh great, I can. Hooray, see you then at 6:30 he calls me and answer. My phone's at 1%. I'm one of those people who doesn't have their phone charged when they leave. My phone's about to die. So I was like, okay, I'm gonna

[Aria]

call him back in a little bit.

[Shantel]

I texted him back 15 minutes later like hey, my phone's at 1%, about to head to the hotel, where are we going to meet up? He responds and lets me know like Oh, I canceled it because I didn't hear from you. Your communication has been inefficient all day. Do better. I was like, wait, how'd you cancel it that quick? Like, I just called you back. And so I call him back and I'm like, hey, what's going on? He starts going off like, what's going on? That's what you say to me? You should be apologizing profusely. I'm here waiting by this busy street, and I can't cancel something last minute or you get charged like you should. That's so arrogant of you not to be apologizing and figuring out what's. Figuring out what you did to make this reservation. I go through. So he starts going off,

[Aria]

going on.

[Shantel]

You're saying my communications ineffective. I texted you when I landed, let you know I'm working, like, you knew where I was. And so I'm trying to explain. I don't know what I'm apologizing for. If you don't. If you don't tell me what. What's actually happened. Like, how'd you cancel it that quickly? The conversation was going live. He said some things, like when I was trying to show him, like, hey, you're saying you called me all day long. I only have, like, one missed call, and I have the call log, and here's the screenshots. He's like, that's what's wrong with black women today. You guys are always trying to be right and don't want to take accountability for nothing. At one point, he was like. He was like, I'm the parent, not you. And I was like, good. And that really set him off. He was like, you were not about to be disrespectful. That's not how we run things here. None of my kids would ever do that. I don't know how you're. How you do things with your mom, but that's not gonna fly here. It just went on and on to things like that. We did not come to, like, a good conclusion. He even hung up in my face several times. Was like, I'mma block you. Don't be playing in my face. And so I'm like, how you're talking about, like, you know, being adult and communicate, but you're the one that you're gonna block me and hang up in my face, right? So I even said things like, oh, like, this is the type of things that make people don't speak. And I'm like, wow, really? Is it really that? So getting down to how it's been in the last 10 months. I reached out to him, say happy birthday. I've called and said happy, merry Christmas. I've even sent him invitations for our wedding celebration. No response. So it gets down to the question of was he right in ghosting me? Like was it really that bad? And then b, now that I haven't had a response from reaching out three different times, like, how do I know when it's the right time to move on? When my parent isn't reciprocating, trying to mend things?

[Crystal]

Well, there's a lot here, Chantel. First of all, I'm sorry that your dad is the way he is. First and foremost, do I think it makes sense to ghost your own child over this? Of course not. This is extremely petty. And if you all were supposed to meet up at 7:30 for him to cancel dinner reservations at like 6:45 or whatever because he hadn't heard from you yet is absurd. Like this is just to throw a temper tantrum like that over this is. It sounds like maybe you weren't as available as he wanted you to be that day, but it also sounds like he wasn't available to you for the overwhelming majority of your childhood. So.

[Shantel]

Exactly.

[Crystal]

I would think that one day in adulthood if you like being spotty on phone calls or whatever, would not be enough to dismantle, you know, this budding relationship with your own daughter. So what is it? Have you talked to your mom or your siblings about this?

[Shantel]

My mom is like, you, you don't need to be putting up with that. He, he needs help, he needs to pray and all this type of stuff. He's got his issues. They didn't really have a healthy relationship. But she's always kind of trying to be like, you know, hope things work out, you know, that's your dad type of thing. But she's kind of just like move on situation. My sister, like my older sister on my dad's side, like she's like, no, like,

[Crystal]

Hang on. Sorry, sorry, I. You broke up for just a second. I didn't hear what you just said.

[Shantel]

Hear me now?

[Google Chrome Announcer]

Yes.

[Shantel]

Okay. My sister on my dad's side, we formed a relationship later in life as adults. So like that was without him even facilitating. So she also like has a same relationship where he kind of doesn't really listen to anybody and you know, starts yelling at people. But she was there when I was having the conversation with them so like she knows I was not being disrespectful. She's like, wow, I've never Heard him speechless. Like he's actually listening what you're saying. So she's like, no, you didn't do anything wrong. Like, he's been like this this whole time. He kind of just like talked over people and thinks he can talk to people any type of way. So he's like on, on my same side of like knowing how he is and. But I'm like, was it bad? Like, he really is not. He's really not saying happy birthday, like, right.

[Crystal]

I would definitely say you certainly did not do anything bad enough for your father to warrant this behavior. It sounds like he's always been extremely immature and you gave him just enough rope for him to hang himself with, so to speak. Like, this was just enough of a minor inconvenience at best. Like, it's. It. Honestly, the way you're talking, it sounds like you were still keeping in touch with him. Like throughout the day. You had checked in, he made dinner reservations, you confirmed. So it's like he. It's almost like he was just looking for a reason to behave this way. Does that. Do you think that might be it?

[Shantel]

I think so. Cause even though I'm thinking about it, I was like, you canceled that quick? Okay, what's the next spot?

[SleepScore Announcer]

Like?

[Shantel]

I'm like, okay, like, okay, let's still, let's still go somewhere. I'm literally here for two days. Like, okay, go to the next spot. Oh, yeah. And it's just the things he was saying like, oh, like you only sent me texts if you would have facetime your mom when you landed. Like, that's my mom. But like, I really didn't.

[Crystal]

My mother raised me. You came around on the holidays. Let's not act like you're the same.

[Shantel]

Exactly, exactly. So like, he's in like, oh, me hanging with my sister before him was like a thing. I'm like, you weren't even available that afternoon. And it's a whole different relationship where she's actually taken the time to try to get to know me as an adult. Like, really making the effort. So I think I'm at the point where, like, I have reached out three times. Like, dang. Like, this is really about to be the point where I don't speak to him ever again. And I'm also kind of annoyed. Like, man, I kind of wanted to be the one that made that choice. Like, if we were going to not be on speaking terms, it should have been me who did that. Like, he's broken free. So many promises and I've just been so open minded and you know, even though this isn't the relationship that I've wanted from him, like, okay, I'm gonna lower my standards or like, my expectations so I don't get hopes up. So I'm just being the one to be like, actually, I'm not going to speak to you ever again.

[Tina]

Is.

[Shantel]

Is frustrating because I feel like I should have been the one to do that. So that's the thing that I'm still thinking about. Like, dang, it's really going to be like this. And then it's like the. The future aspect of, like, what is it going to be like when I have kids and they eventually want to, like, get to know him or like certain events, like fun milestones, like, if he's. He's really not going to be there for that. Like, that's crazy. Like, you know, over this, it's just like, wow, this is really, you know, so I'm like, should I reach out one more time? But really have reached out three times. I didn't even have so.

[Crystal]

Right.

[Shantel]

I don't know. I'm feeling like I might have my answer. I don't know.

[Crystal]

Yeah. Well, I will say this to the point about your sister and, you know, him maybe feeling away because you were with your sister instead of him. I would counter that your sister also, you know, did not have the obligation to try to be closer to you. Of course it's nice because you share blood, but she isn't the one who abandoned you, you know, like, it wasn't her job to raise you and be a part of your life. That was his job. He had the responsibility of being an active present parent, and he failed at that. And so you being a beautiful young woman with your life together, a career and engaged and all this, and you don't need him in any way. You're not chasing him down. You know, all this sort of thing that may have something to do with why he reacted this way. Maybe he expected to be treated like a priority, even though he never put in a priority level of work or effort with you as you were growing up. So, you know, there's lots of things that could be going on here. But I'll say this, it is still under your control whether the two of you speak again. Like, right now, it sounds like he's throwing a tantrum. And he probably loves it when you reach out. He probably loves to see your name pop up on his phone or whatever, because he's like, I'm still mad and I'm gonna show her, you know, like a four Year old would do, like, you're not invited to my birthday party anymore. You know, like it's a very child childish response. And I want to be super clear that it's nothing you did. This is not him shutting down. Like this is not about this one day of, you know, venue shopping and going out with your in law or whatever. It is not about that. It is fully about him and his lack of capacity to be a good father. Whatever his immaturity is, whatever his trauma, his demons are, I don't know the answer to that, but I think you're well within your right to not reach out again. You never needed to in the first place, as you acknowledged, like you really never had to. But the fact that you wanted to or the fact that you did is not something to be upset or ashamed about. It's quite natural for children to want their parents. It's a hardwired biological aspect of being a human being. We naturally want to be connected to the people who brought us into this world. And so when they fall short of their responsibility, it's. It's crushing, it's devastating for kids. And when we, it's very common for us to try to find any way we can to try to make that relationship work, to try to feel like, okay, maybe he messed up when I was a kid, but maybe now that I'm an adult, you know, things can be better and we can have that sort of relationship. But this is something that was never up to you. Whether you had a relationship with your dad was never under your control. That was always on him to facilitate. You are the child. Like he said, I'm the adult. And you were like, okay. And that pissed him off even more. Cause like, how dare you say that. You're supposed to fall over yourself and be like, oh yeah, daddy, woo woo, woo. As if he earned that right. Immature people want a level of respect that they have not earned. I, in all of what you told me about this man, I did not hear. Oh well, when things went wrong, my dad was the first one to show up. And even though it didn't work out with him and my mom, he got me every weekend and took me out of the country for my birthday and blah. None of that. I barely saw him. Christmases mostly, you know, until I was nine. And then it was like not even that. So I'm sorry. I can really relate to having an overgrown toddler as a father. But you can make the decision that the two of you aren't gonna speak again. It's very possible that Someday he decides that he's done punishing you. And so he's gonna reach out, he's gonna try to email, he's go a call and he finds out that he's not able to have that access to you because you've decided to block it off. It is. The power is fully in your hands at this point. Just because he's acting like this now doesn't mean that you don't get to take some sort of control here and say, you know what? This is the last time you play with me. This is the last time I've let you be in and out of my life. All of my life. I've let you just kind of show up however you wanted to for years and years and years, and I'm actually done. And if you have children in the future and they ask about him, you can say, unfortunately, my daddy's not a nice daddy. Like, all daddies aren't nice daddies or something like that. You know, there's age appropriate ways to talk to kids about having absent parents. And I. I do feel your pain here, but this can be the last time that he hurts you. If. If that's what you want. It really can.

[Shantel]

That's good advice to hear that there is still. There's still a chance. I still have some sort of, like, control in this because I'm like, I don't. I didn't get to choose. But there's still a future, and you don't know how that will be. And it's still a decision that I can make up with this relationship.

[Crystal]

Right.

[Shantel]

Yeah.

[Crystal]

Right.

[Shantel]

Some more clarity there.

[Crystal]

Yes. The. The question now is, is not are the two of you ever going to talk again, but are you going to leave the door open for the two of you to talk again? And that is completely up to you.

[Shantel]

Yeah, that's good. That's good to consider. Yeah, that's good. I think. I feel like I have all the information I need. Okay, so just like, let me just hear what someone else thinks. I'm like, yeah, do nothing that bad like you did. What did I do to make him that mad girl?

[Crystal]

Not a damn thing. Unfortunately, a lot of people are just childish as hell and growing up doesn't mean that you mature.

[Tina]

Yeah.

[Crystal]

Well, thank you so much, Chantel, for calling in. I'm wishing you the best with your wedding and your future. Yes. Best of luck to you, babe.

[Shantel]

Thank you.

[Crystal]

Have a good night. Thank you so much. Yeah, guys, it's just like that sometimes with parents where, you know, everybody is not fortunate to have two emotionally mature parents. And this is what it can look like sometimes when you have the unfortunate burden of dealing with somebody who was supposed to be an adult about a situation and never has and maybe never will, you know, you got to take your power back.

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[Crystal]

All right, let's see who's next.

[Commercial Announcer]

Hi. Hi.

[Crystal]

How are you?

[Tina]

I'm good.

[Aria]

How are you doing on this fun whatever day Monday? This fun Monday morning? You doing all right?

[Crystal]

I'm doing great, thank you. What's your name?

[Aria]

My name is Aria.

[Crystal]

Aria.

[Aria]

Aria.

[Crystal]

Okay, Aria, what's going on?

[Aria]

Well, first I have to give you Your flowers. I know you hear this all the time, but I am so proud of you getting your master's degree. And I think it's.

[Crystal]

Thank you.

[Aria]

Around the same time I got my undergrad. So look at us both being.

[Crystal]

Congratulations,

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period.

[Aria]

But, yeah, what's going on? So I'm gay, black, 24, living in South Carolina. Fuck you, Lindsey Graham, and talk about my auntie, who I believe, with no medical training or mental health training, believe that she has some sort of bipolar, paranoid schizophrenic disorder that's causing her to behave in irrational ways. Okay, I'll just start it off here. So last year, my auntie moved to South Carolina to be closer to her family after the passing of my grandparents. Since she's moved down here, her. And she's moved into the same church that my auntie. I don't go to church with them anymore, but she's moved into that church and she's kind of integrated herself into the community that we have down here. A few months ago, she went on a trip with my parents to Myrtle beach for some sort of church convention. I'm not sure about all the details on that, but they. At some point during their trip, she lost her id. We don't know how she lost it. I assume that it's just. It just got lost when back. My parents helped her tear the car apart to help her look for it. But we assume that she lost it somehow during the trip. While they. While we. Some time has passed, she's started claiming that somebody in her family. She's been picking these posts. She has been making these posts on Facebook claiming that someone in her family. She has siblings. So it kind of seems vague, but everybody knows that she lives in South Carolina, so it's kind of obvious. She's talking about my parents, my mom, her sister. She. Claiming that somebody stole her ID has been committing crimes in other states, and it's negatively impacting her.

[Crystal]

Oh, wow.

[Aria]

No one's responded to these accusations at all because, you know, they're completely unfounded. She has no proof. Nobody would do that to her. It's gone to a different thing now. She's now going on long, unhinged and grammatically incorrect rants on Facebook about how somebody in her family has got access to her medical records and is posting about her having HIV online, even though nobody has made that claim. There are no rumors at the church about that. These are just things that she's kind of making up.

[Crystal]

Yeah.

[Aria]

While these rants keep going on on Facebook, no one's responding to her. And I think that's sort of feeding into the delusion, because very recently, she reached out to my mother's job. She works at the VA hospital, and my auntie's a veteran. She's claiming that my mother has been accessing her medical records and using that to sort of spread rumors about her, which has led to my mother being investigated at her job of 30 years.

[Crystal]

Oh, my goodness.

[Aria]

My mom is not very crazy. I write. I know, right? My mom's not super concerned because she knows that there's no proof. There's also a file already on her about her making these kind of claims with no proof. And to take it a step even further, I found out that one of the churches that she moved away from when she moved down here, she started a rumor that her pastor was having an affair with somebody else, which was unfounded.

[Crystal]

Yeah.

[Aria]

Kind of got to a point to where. And I've never heard this before. Like, I'm so serious. 24 years of life. I've never heard of this happening before. The church literally came together, gathered all the tithe and offering, because they keep track of it, gathered all the tithes and offerings she ever gave and gave it back to her and asked her to not come back. I literally never in my life heard of a church giving back the money

[Crystal]

that you baby me either.

[Aria]

That's never. I've never heard of that.

[Crystal]

Never. Wow. They said, here's a full refund. Go home, please.

[Aria]

Don't come back.

[Crystal]

Oh, my goodness.

[Aria]

So I guess my question to you is, how do you respond to a member of your family who is very clearly in a mental health crisis? That crisis isn't being taken seriously because for whatever reason, and we can blame it on the church upbringing, the response to any of her obvious signs of distress are to continue to pray for her. Keep her in your prayers. Oh, just move past it because, you know, she's. We can acknowledge that she's mentally unwell. And I do want to add a little bit more information. Why I think that she might be mentally unwell is because my grandmother also had dementia, bipolar disorder, and other mental health crisis.

[Crystal]

Okay.

[Aria]

Cousins actually told me about how she had a major mental health crisis while she was pregnant with my aunt, who was her last child. So that leaves me hereditary, as many mental health issues can be hereditary.

[Crystal]

Well, it's very tricky because for a lot of reasons, because of the religious, you know, background and everybody being like, oh, well, we can just pray about it, because she hasn't. It doesn't sound like she's actually been diagnosed. This is just a suspicion, but the way she's acting is extremely erratic. And. Yeah, doesn't make sense, but. So we. We also don't have a formal diagnosis. Has anyone tried to talk to her directly about, like, girl, why are you on Facebook lying about people?

[Aria]

Kind of, sorta. It's. Okay. So this all kind of blew up around my mother's 60th birthday.

[Crystal]

Okay.

[Aria]

Where me and a few of her close friends planned everything, and this kind of started blowing up really badly, like two to three days before the birthday celebration was supposed to happen. And then we kind of formally. I didn't do it, but another close friend that was helping plan everything formally told her not to come to the birthday party. And so then more of these Facebook posts kept blowing up. Well, not blowing up, because nobody's responding to them, but she just keeps posting them. And I've been asked not to talk to her about it because it might make things worse. Make things worse because she's still kind of. My mom's still technically under investigation at her job.

[Crystal]

Okay.

[Aria]

As far as, like, directly speaking to her, I'm not sure, because she still goes to the same church that my parents go to.

[Christy]

Okay.

[Aria]

I've only hearing about how she's been blowing up other people's personal phones and blowing up the church, group chat with others, just all kinds of stuff. And, you know, it's not getting her the reaction that I think she wants. And, I mean, me personally, if I'm doing something that's not getting the reaction that I want, I would start to assume that maybe I'm wrong, but it's doubling down.

[Crystal]

Yeah. Well, not to, you know, make light of a serious situation, but that's because you're in your right mind. And it sounds like your aunie is not. I'm just saying that's because. What? Yeah, you're functioning and she isn't, so. But it sounds like even if you did talk to her, she is likely to be very defensive or accuse you of working on behalf of your mother or whatever, or trying to make things worse for your mom at her job, which is obviously not ideal.

[Aria]

And something that just sort of a connection that I made. I remember a while ago, you went on about the story about how that woman shot up Rihanna's house, created this fantasy of things, and then eventually, of course, she's gonna get arrested. And then when they finally put her on those medications and she comes down from her delusion, she'll be like, I tracked down this complete stranger and shot at her house?

[Crystal]

Yep.

[Aria]

Was I going through. And I don't want her to a point to where she does something like that. And of course medicated because she's incarcerated and she's like, wow, I am now within my right mind, but it's too late now because I'm in the penthouse.

[Crystal]

Right, right. So there is a method for loved ones of people who have severe mental illnesses to try to get them to accept the fact that something is wrong or get them to agree to seek treatment. You know, if it's really severe with your aunt, you can do like conservatorships, guardianships, but that's like a sort of last resort, you know, super extreme type of solution. So what I'm thinking of is called the leap method. L, E A P. You can look it up online if you wanna really dive into it. But it stands for listen, empathize, agree, and partner. And so what you do is you start off by like not coming at her in the way that you would want to because somebody is lying about your mama and, you know, having her in trouble at work and all this, the natural instinct is to be like, fuck is wrong with you? You know, get off Facebook, spreading lies. Stop calling the VA with your bullshit. You know, that's a, that's a normal, natural way to want to react to something like that. Instead, you take the approach of simply listening to what she has to say. Now in your case, what she has to say is pretty absurd, but I mean, like, take for example, the, the idea that somebody stole her ID and is using it to commit crimes. Now what, what I might want to say to that is, well, have you been charged? Have the police telephoned you? Girl, like the fuck. But instead you just sort of listen without agreeing or disagreeing. You really don't even comment too much on it. You just let them know that you're listening. Oh, wow. So you haven't been able to find your id. My goodness, that must be scary. Or like, were you able to go to the DMV to get another one? Things like that where you just show that you're listening to her. You're not really, but you're not encouraging the misguided beliefs and you're not arguing with her about them either, because in her mind they're very real. And so anybody who tries to shoot it down is going to be looked at as an op, like, oh, okay, so you working with the people who stole my ID and are committing felonies across the United States. That's how that tends to go. So the next letter, the agree is not about. Again, it's not about agreeing with what she has to say substance wise. It's about finding common ground between the two of you. So, like, you have to find something that is going to help her with this motivation to change. Because again, it doesn't sound like she has any. And it may even be that the death of your grandparents has triggered something even more severe in her. Like, this may continue to get worse as she ages. And so even if it is, you know, like, Amy, all I want for you is like, to be happy, to feel like you have a good life here in South Carolina, that you have a nice church home. Like, can we agree that, like, you know, this is what we both want for you? We want for you to be good. We want for you to feel like you're having a happy life here. Things like that, that sort of turns you into an observer who can point out things about this person's life that make them feel like, oh, okay, well, maybe this person is on my side about certain things. Like, now I know she's not diagnosed. So I think one of the examples they taught us in grad school is like, see, you took your meds and you were able to avoid a hospital stay or something like that. See, your meds are doing something good for you. Or if she was on drugs, it would be like, oh, well, you know, you didn't get high that day, or you didn't get drunk that day and you made it home safe. And see, we can agree that, like, that was a good choice for you. So this might be a little bit trickier because it doesn't sound like your auntie is really having any of those specific examples, but in any way that you can agree on, like, an area where the two of you share common ground that will help her become more open to your suggestions or what it is you have to say. The third. Oh, wait, no, hold on. I skipped right over empathize and went straight to agree. So before you agree, switch around. You have to empathize. People have to feel like their feelings are really seen and heard and acknowledged by the other person when we show someone empathy. Like I said with the id, like, oh, my goodness, that must be so scary to lose your ID like that. Like, can I help you? Can I drive you to the DMV to get you another one? Can I help you order your birth certificate so we can get you another one?

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Things like that.

[Crystal]

Because it sounds like it's coming from a place of fear now. It also sounds like it's coming from a place of delusion. But there's nothing we can really do about the delusion part right now. When she's undiagnosed and unwilling to see a mental health professional about that. But again, it's not the same as agreeing with her belief. It's not the same as agreeing with her delusions. It's just saying, I see how you feel and I understand. I hate to lose my id, too. Now I'm having a hell of a time at the airport. Now I gotta pull out my passport and I gotta go stand in line at the DMV for eight hours. Like, ugh, that sucks. You know, things like that make people. Yes, you just make people feel like, okay, you understand where I'm coming from and you see how I feel. You're not arguing with me about why I shouldn't feel that way. You're saying, okay, I see where you're coming from, and I understand that feeling. And so then the last letter, the P, that's for partner. And this is, you know, in an ideal world, in an ideal scenario where you've done the listening, empathizing, and agreeing that now your auntie sees you as an ally instead of an op. And so you making suggestions about, like, oh, Auntie, do you remember, like, when you thought maybe people were committing crimes with your id, but then, you know, you never got into any trouble with the law? That's the sort of thing like, maybe we can go talk to the doctor about that and see if there's something that they can help you with. You know, maybe there's a pill, or maybe you can just talk to the doctor about it, see where, you know the stuff like that is coming from. Or, Annie, remember when you got kicked out that church because you started that lie about the pastor and they gave you all $12,000 of your tithes and offering back. Sorry, not again. Not to make light of it, but I also have. I've never heard of nothing like that.

[Aria]

It made me think of the absolute reverse of that one pastor who told that lady, oh, you in the wrong line for your money, right?

[Crystal]

Girl, you broke, right? I've never heard of anything like that. But anyway. So you get what I'm saying? Hopefully once you get to the P, she'll see you as a partner and as someone that can be trusted, someone she can trust. She probably doesn't feel like she can trust very many people.

[Tina]

People.

[Crystal]

But this is. I have to tell you, this is a. A lengthy process. It takes a lot of work and effort to really build this with someone who is deep in a mental illness that they don't even acknowledge. So I. I mean, and this is why so many people with serious mental illnesses end up alone. They end up isolated because they don't really accept that something's wrong. They may end up, you know, on the. Any kind of support because they push people away with the mental illness and they refuse to get any sort of support for it. So I do want to caution you in this. I'm listing it out, like, oh, just do these things like a Sesame Street. Just do these steps and your auntie will get the help she needs. No, it's very likely that she'll be like, little boy, don't talk to me about my I.D. you working with him, you probably got it in the back of your pocket or something like that. I don't know. But, yeah, I feel like I just threw a lot at you because that is, you know, that is a tactic that we have that we were taught in grad school to give to the friends and family of someone in this exact situation. But the reality is that this is very, very challenging. And if you have to call the people and have her committed, if it gets to that level of, like, she's starting to become violent towards herself or others, she's a threat. You know, she's making threats about her life or other people's lives. You know, she's starting to commit acts of, you know, she's starting to, like, burn stuff down or threaten to do things like that. Then you have to get the people involved. And, you know, nobody wanted to go there that far. But sometimes it does have to go that far, unfortunately.

[Tina]

Yes.

[Crystal]

So what do you think? Any other questions or how does all that sound?

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It.

[Aria]

It sounds like a game plan I'm going to continue to do the research on Then you said it was the leap method, right? Yes.

[Crystal]

L, E A P. Look it up. Help guide.org has a really good. Just like a lengthy document on what it is, and it'll walk you through a lot of what I just told you, but also partner up with your parents and anybody else who's part of her support system. Like, we kind of all need to. It's good for us all to be on the same page about this because Auntie's not well and we all know it. Okay, so what can we do to try to get her the help she needs before she is institutionalized? Right. Yeah.

[Aria]

Well, thank you so much, Crystal.

[Crystal]

You're welcome.

[Aria]

Give a shout out to my bestie, who was a longtime listener as well me to Crystal's couch and the Breed shout out to you Missy. I know you're listening. I she's. She. I don't even think I told her that I was gonna be on the couch, but I knew Missy and thank you so much Chris.

[Crystal]

You are welcome. Thank you and thank you to Missy for putting you on to the shows. So yes, good luck and make sure you look more into that leap method and share it with her other loved ones. All right babe, thank you so much. Talk later. Bye bye bye. Oh man, you guys, it's just when our friends and family, our other loved ones have very serious mental illnesses that they are not ready to acknowledge, that can be so, so challenging. So I am wishing Aria and their family the best of luck in dealing with that going forward because it is extremely challenging.

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[Crystal]

Okay, let me see if we have time for another one. Hello.

[Tina]

Hi, Crystal.

[Crystal]

Hi, how are you?

[Tina]

I'm good, how are you?

[Crystal]

I'm good, thank you. What's your name?

[Christy]

Tina.

[Crystal]

Hi, Tina. What's going on?

[Tina]

Yeah, so my situation involves me and my best friend Jay. We've been close friends since freshman year of high school and we're 25 now, and I've moved out of state twice, once for college, for my career. And out of the handful of friendships I've had since back then, she's probably been the most intentional about keeping our relationship alive. And so this is stressing the importance of this issue that we're having. Recently, I've been questioning how we can move forward and if it even looks like continuing the relationship altogether makes sense. There are really two issues. One, I think I've come to terms with the fact that she's an alcoholic. I've witnessed her drive drunk before, and once she pressured me into so many drinks that I myself blacked out and threw up for the first time in my life. Though she did clean me up and get me home safe in that moment. So that's the first thing that's been going on. And then two, and probably the more pertinent issue. Last August, she found out that her boyfriend of a year was cheating. And the next day she FaceTimed me and just casually described beating him up out of his sleep and basically assaulting him for hours while his mom and his sister were home about to call the police on her. They were in that altercation for so long that she dented the side of her car body, slamming him into it.

[Crystal]

Oh my goodness.

[Tina]

Yeah, he was trying to restrain her and she told me that he never hit back. And as much as he ain't shit for cheating on her, I do believe that. And so I really didn't know what to do with this image of her inflicting so much violence. On a partner like that. And I told myself it'd be okay as long as she never spoke to him again, but that we're now a year later and they're still together, quote, unquote. They're still talking daily. They're still spending weekends and holidays and birthdays together. They're still having sex. When I asked her why this is going on recently, she says she just hasn't made any real friends like me since high school and doesn't really want to be alone. And I understood that empathetically, But I also felt like it was in a form of a dig, as though she was blaming me for moving away and that if I had been there, there would be more space for her to leave these situations that are quite toxic, you know? And so I'm scared that there's more violence possible in this relationship and that she might not even tell me otherwise to avoid my reaction. And so my question is, after a year of not saying anything to her beyond kind of making clear facial expressions that this makes me uncomfortable, Do I even have the right to bring this up? And then if I do, how should I. Or should I kind of just let the relationship fade naturally? I only really see her now once or twice a year when I visit family back home. So I'm just in a difficult position trying to figure out what that should look like.

[Crystal]

Right. Well, first I want to address. I think I heard you say that you kind of felt like when she said, well, I haven't really made that many close friends other than you since high school, and I don't really want to be alone. I think I heard you say that you felt like that was maybe kind of coded or backhanded. Like, the message there being, if you had never left, then maybe she would have never done this. Is that my understanding?

[Tina]

Yeah, it's come up before in other situations where maybe she's had a falling out with friends since we've all graduated high school, where she'll kind of jokingly say, like, I wish you guys were home. Of, like, all our mutual friends who left her hometown. I wish you guys were home. I wish we were all together. I hate being in situations like this where I'm meeting people who are shitty, you know? And so I think hearing that a couple times now over the past couple years has started to ring a little bit sour on my end.

[Crystal]

Yeah. Okay, so that makes. That makes sense. Then why you. Why you came to that conclusion? So I'll say, first of all, it's never your responsibility to, like, there's nothing you could have said or done to control her behavior. If so, she wouldn't be in alcoholic, and she would not have beat on her partner the way she did after she found out, you know, about him cheating. So I just want to be really clear that, like, if she is trying to, you know, sort of guilt you in that way, like, oh, you should have been here. That's pretty absurd, because you are not in control of that grown woman. Right? She. The things she says and does are completely up to her. And, you know, people. Can I ask how old you all are?

[Tina]

We're 25 now.

[Crystal]

25. Okay, so still pretty young. Sometimes people. People struggle to make friends for all kinds of reasons, but sometimes people lose all their friends and don't make new ones for a very, very good reason, and that's because they're challenging people to be around. If your friend abuses alcohol and does reckless stuff like drinking and driving or becomes violent or makes other thoughtless decisions like that, she pressures other people. She pressured you into drinking, that sort of thing. Part of that is immaturity. You know, there's a lot of people your age who experiment and do things like that, but that doesn't make it acceptable behavior either. Now onto the. As far as the issue of her, you know, being abusive towards her partner, you get to decide what you're comfortable with in as far as, like, the traits that your friends have. And although I can understand being upset over finding out your man cheated on you, and I can even understand, you know, smacking him out of his sleep when you went through his phone, not saying, that's okay.

[Tina]

Yeah.

[Crystal]

But I can understand something like that. Beating his ass for hours and denting the car, and his mama's about to call the cops, and, you know, all the repercussions from that. And then he's still. That is just a little too much for me, you know? Like, that is. I don't think I could be comfortable calling someone a close friend or a best friend knowing that they treated someone like that. And not only did they treat someone like that, but when they talked about it, they acted like it was no big deal. And, you know, oh, well, I just beat his ass. You know, you just beat ass when you're mad. Like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no. And like you said, it may have been completely different if she never talked to him again, but the fact that they're still keeping up with it doesn't sound like a relationship. But maybe still sleeping together, spending time together, I can understand your concern as far as like, is this still happening? Or, you know, if this does happen again, not that it's about you, but you would quite naturally, and I think rightfully feel away about it because you are so against domestic violence. Right, right. And that makes sense. Hmm.

[Christy]

So

[Crystal]

I think you said that you're wondering whether it is appropriate or okay for you to bring this up to her.

[Tina]

Yeah. If it even makes sense to after so long. And how would I even really go about it? Because one of our mutual friends co signed everything and was like, girl, I'd do the same. And so I just feel like I'd be the outlier in that situation. Really challenging that. And I don't even really talk to that mutual friend. I think I'll use mutual really loosely there. But, yeah, I just. I'm just trying to figure out if it's even worth it or if I should recognize this as a sign that we're maybe growing apart.

[Crystal]

Yeah. Well, a lot of people don't take abuses seriously when it's a woman abusing a man.

[Tina]

Right.

[Crystal]

Which is complicated and fucked up, but, you know, not a burden that you have to carry. It may be that you're simply outgrowing these friends that you're like. You know, as this frontal lobe starts to come together, I'm feeling like the excessive drinking and the acting like it don't mean nothing to put our hands on our partners is just really not the kind of person I want to be and not the kind of company I want to keep. I think it's more than okay to bring it up.

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And.

[Crystal]

And the fact that you're waiting a year to do it. I mean, one might say, oh, well, why would you wait a year? And another person might say, well, you really sat with this for a year. Like, you tried to be okay with it. For an extended amount of time, you tried to see her side of it. You tried to, like, come to terms with it. And after all this time, it still makes you deeply uncomfortable. So I think that shows that you really tried to give this a chance. You didn't rush to try, just cut her off immediately. In the aftermath, you really sat with this. And the fact that it's still bothering you a year later, I think that means it's absolutely worth it to you because it's really bothering you.

[Tina]

Yeah.

[Crystal]

Are you okay with not having this person be in your life anymore?

[Tina]

I think it, like, it makes me. It's a very heartbroken, heartbreaking thing to think about. We met each other so long ago, and again, she's really been very intentional about maintaining the friendship. And I think it's hard to, like, imagine it, honestly, because in a lot of ways, like, she's been there for me, I've been there for her. Our families know each other to an extent. Like, I think. I think it's just really hard to imagine. But I also recognize that, like, if I don't really see signs of anything really changing, if I know this person as well as I do, I also know that she can be quite stubborn.

[Crystal]

Right.

[Tina]

And I. I just fear what. Any register of me judging her in any way might even, like, escalate a situation where we'd. We'd have a back and forth that we've had had in, like, a really long time. Like, we've never really had, like, a serious conflict for real, since high school, honestly. And I think that's probably due to the distance, but also because I haven't. We haven't had too many instances where those conflicts could arise. We were often trying to make the most of the time we had together back home. So. Yeah.

[Crystal]

So, yeah, it sounds like you two have been friends for at least a decade and through some really pivotal moments, you know, that adolescence, high school time, where we're finding out who we are and finding out where we belong and our, you know, our sense of community and branching out from our parents in that way that, yeah, those friendships, sometimes they're lifelong, and you end up connected to those people forever. And sometimes after high school, you start to drift apart, and the older you get, the more you understand why that drifting is occurring. How do you think she would react if you said, I just want to talk to you about what happened with your man last year. It really bothered me the level of violence that went on in that situation. How do you think she would react to that?

[Tina]

I think, unfortunately, she would be a little defensive, especially because I'd be bringing it up, up so late, and I think she would affirm again that they're not together anymore. And this is just what it is. Like, she's actively trying to date outside of him, and nothing has really come to fruition with that. So it just feels like. I feel like her reaction would be a little bit dismissive, a little bit defensive.

[Crystal]

Okay.

[Tina]

Just not really wanting to engage with me seriously. And I think if. If she were to try to engage with me seriously, it would. It would be. I think it would veer into that space of, I'm grown. You can't really, like, tell me about myself.

[Crystal]

Yep. Okay, let's talk a little bit more about her alcohol usage. Is she still drinking heavily or is that something that was kind of like more in the past?

[Tina]

It's pretty consistent. Like, it's. I, I think when we do catch up, she's pretty consistent about going to the club, going to the bars, getting, getting, getting lit, like doing the whole thing. And not to, again, not to say that I don't do the same. And I don't even think it's a matter of tolerance. It's just like, I just don't actively try to get drunk. And she's explicitly told me that that is her goal when she out in these spaces.

[Crystal]

Oh, Lord.

[Aria]

Yeah.

[Crystal]

Okay, is she, Is she just getting drunk or is she getting drunk? And is it, Is the drunk driving also happening regularly or is that like a one time thing?

[Tina]

I. I think it's safe to assume now that it's pretty regular.

[Crystal]

Okay.

[Tina]

Because. Okay, at least twice now she's had some near accidents. Accidents?

[Crystal]

Oh, my goodness, yes.

[Tina]

And I thought to myself, okay, she's also working a lot. Maybe she's tired. It's the end of the week. Sometimes the clubs leaving the space out of can get crazy. But no, I think if I'm really facing myself, I think it's definitely related to the alcohol use. For sure.

[Crystal]

Yeah. I mean, and in the age of Uber and Lyft and all other kinds of rideshare services, it's really. I mean, I understand that those are a significant cost, but it's nothing like a DUI or what it would take to, you know, repair a car or what would happen if she took someone else's life or permanently injured herself or took her own life. Like, the risks of driving drunk are so severe that I think it's worth it to talk to her maybe. Hmm. So the thing is, anytime you talk to somebody about a problematic behavior, it's very likely that you're gonna run into defensiveness. That's why I always recommend approaching it from a place of concern. You've probably heard me say that before of a place of like, I'm worried about you, instead of like, bitch, what are you doing with your life? Like, I would approach it more like, I understand wanting to go out and get drunk. Like, you know, I also enjoy, you know, a little rum and coke in the club. You know, like, I'm all for that as well, but it's really a problem, sis, like, to get behind the wheel and go home. Like, I don't want to lose you. I'm scared that you might decide to drive home after the club one night, and I never get to see or talk to you again. Now, if she still responds to that, you know, with anger or like, girl, don't worry about me, mind your own business, blah, blah, blah, then you can decide whether you would like to take a step back emotionally from this relationship. But it sounds like, are these, like, your. Your two main issues with her, or are there other things that are popping up in your friendship that don't really feel aligned?

[Tina]

Those are the two main things, and I think they've, like, fed other ways that when I usually would, like, think about her more throughout the week and reach out, I've noticed that happening less over time. And I think that even when she is the one to do that on her end, I don't feel as excited or as, like, eager.

[Crystal]

Yes.

[Tina]

You know.

[Crystal]

Yes. Yes. So to me, that sounds like you've been trying to ignore the fact that you don't feel good about certain dynamics of this friendship, but your body and mind and spirit still feel this way about the friendship. Like, you're uncomfortable with the decisions she makes when she drinks. You're uncomfortable with the domestic violence, and that is perfectly understandable. So I think you have to say something about it so that you're honoring the fact that you. You don't like this. It's great to have friends all of our lives, friends who have seen us through all these different kinds of seasons. But we can't abandon ourselves and what we know is right or true or good in the pursuit of keeping a friendship. That may not be. It may be that the two of you were supposed to be super close in this period through high school and very young adulthood. And maybe she's not meant to come along with you to that next. Which is sad, but you won't really

[Aria]

know

[Crystal]

unless you sort of bring up the energy and the bravery, really, to say, hey, I'm worried about you, and I'm wondering if we can talk about some of the things that have been going on because I'm afraid of the repercussions here. Again, she may still react poorly. And then you can say to yourself, okay, you know, know, maybe I don't reach out this week. Maybe, maybe, you know, you're on my mind and I don't reach out to check in, or you call me and I don't answer that call. You know, maybe instead of every other day or every weekend, you know, that sort of thing, maybe now I talk to you once or twice a month, and if she asks you, well, I feel like you being funny. What's Going on, you can say, well, I told you that, you know, I'm concerned about you with the drinking and driving, the amount that you're drinking. I'm concerned about the way that you were physically violent towards your boyfriend, things like that. And you kind of just told me to mind my business, so I've been minding my business. You know, like when people tell you, oh, I don't want your help, I don't need your concern, it's okay for you to then say, okay, well, you know, I brought it up because I genuinely do care about you, but you're an adult, and I can't make you do anything. So sometimes we do have to distance ourselves emotionally from certain dynamics so that we can move on and really do what's best for us. But because you all have been friends for so long, I do think it's worth it to find the courage to have this conversation and see where it might go.

[Tina]

Would it be best to do that in person the next time?

[Aria]

Yep.

[Crystal]

Yep. I think it's absolutely best to do it in person. Because even face. I mean, FaceTime is better than a regular phone call. Regular phone calls are better than text messages. But there's just something about sharing space with another person where they can really see and feel us. They can feel our vibe, they can feel our energy, they can feel our presence, and we can feel theirs. So I would say if you two are gonna see each other in person, I would definitely take some time where it's just the two. You know, we don't need an audience. We're not trying to embarrass her. But, yeah, bringing it up again from a place of concern and not judgment, because even young people who drink to excess and, you know, decide to get behind the wheel, they're normally drinking for a reason. You know, there's some kind of pain there underneath that they're trying to cover up that they may not even be aware of.

[Tina]

Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. Thank you, Crystal.

[Crystal]

You're welcome, Tina and I. I hope the conversation goes well.

[Tina]

Thank you.

[Crystal]

Send me an email. Let me know how it goes.

[Tina]

I will. Thank you so much.

[Crystal]

All right, thank you. Bye. Yes. Sometimes we are in situations with friends where we don't really know how to handle the dynamic. It's like, yeah, you grown, but I don't really know what. What to do here. I'm worried about you. I don't like this. How do I approach it? And when they're a really good friend and we feel like the relationship is worth saving, we just got to come at them with all, you know, empathy and compassion, but also not refusing to acknowledge the things that we know are bothering us. All right, guys, that is going to wrap up this week's episode of Christal Scout. If you have a question for me, please send me an email. Advicerys couch.com we'll see you next week.