Session 34

Summary

Crissle’s Couch – Session 34 (July 7, 2026): Equal Parts Culture, Critique, and Care

Episode Theme

This episode of Crissle’s Couch, hosted by Crissle and her best friend Jade, is all about navigating life's toughest emotional challenges—balancing caregiving with employment, healing childhood wounds, setting boundaries in family and friendships, and dealing with toxic siblings. Through listener letters, Crissle delivers sharp, heartfelt, and no-nonsense advice rooted equally in compassion, cultural critique, and lived experience. The tone, as always, is candid, warm, and a little bit irreverent.

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Segment 1: Balancing Work, Love, and Crisis (Angel of Mine Letter)

[00:43 - 16:30]

Listener Situation

Angel of Mine, a 26-year-old Black gay man, struggles to balance his career in corporate America with being a committed partner. Overwhelmed by hospital visits for a boyfriend and pushback from his employer over his use of sick leave, Angel feels caught between responsibilities.

Key Discussion Points

• Workplace Exploitation & Capitalism:
  Crissle and Jade share frustration with unsympathetic workplaces and the reality that companies "don’t value people enough" and extract labor with little regard for personal hardship.

  “You're disposable to capitalism. We all are.” – Jade [06:51]

• Danger of Quitting in This Job Market:
  Both hosts caution against impulsive career moves.

  “I wouldn't recommend something wild and stepping out on faith. Cause the faith looking real shaky out here these days, baby.” – Crissle [03:28]

• Generational Tensions:
  They empathize with Gen Z’s disgust for corporate culture, acknowledging that expectations of loyalty are increasingly out of touch.
• Finding Balance:
  The hosts urge establishing limits, considering protected leave (like FMLA), convening a wider caregiving plan with the partner’s family, and not feeling guilty for advocating for oneself.

  “If you lose your job, you cannot be a proper support system.” – Jade [10:13] “Don’t cuss them people out. Cause also, you don't know how many people know people as well.” – Jade [15:27]

Notable Quotes

• “You are disposable to the workplace, to capitalism.” – Jade [06:48]
• “If you lose your job, you gonna need the support system.” – Crissle [10:29]
• “Trying to be happy under an oppressive structure.” – Crissle [14:19]
• “You have to learn how to work within [the system].” – Jade [16:21]

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Segment 2: Healing from Childhood Abandonment & Emotional Abuse (Wiz Khalifa Letter)

[16:32 - 26:46]

Listener Situation

A therapist and mental health professional writes in for advice on managing the lingering effects of childhood abandonment by an absent father—especially as someone now helping others heal.

Key Discussion Points

• The Ongoing Nature of Healing:
  Crissle admits vulnerability:

  “Bold of you to assume that I've overcome those challenges… I’m still struggling.” – Crissle [17:16]

• Therapy & Self-Compassion:
  Weekly therapy, grad school understanding, and radical acceptance are offered as tools for living with pain without self-blame.

  “My therapist helped me change my way of thinking from something that was really hateful and mean to something that’s compassionate and has empathy for me.” – Crissle [20:44]

• Radical Acceptance & Dual Truths:
  Accepting injustice ("I deserved better; I didn’t get it") is described as a hard but necessary step.
• Unrealism of "Total Healing":
  The hosts debate the concept of "healed" vs. "in recovery"; there’s no fantasy finish line.

  “Nobody is 100% healed. You’re a human, and you ain’t perfect.” – Jade [23:39]

Notable Quotes

• “When you have done enough inner work to where you're not hurting yourself anymore... that's what I call healed.” – Crissle [24:43]
• “All you can do is all you can do.” – Crissle [55:24]

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Segment 3: Family, Friendship, and Setting Boundaries (Josephine Baker’s Shoes Letter)

[26:53 - 39:48]

Listener Situation

A listener examines patterns in her friendships, especially after being ghosted/ostracized by friends-turned-lovers, and reveals a family history of conditional love, abuse, and emotional caretaking.

Key Discussion Points

• Looking for Family in Friendship:
  Crissle affirms, “There’s nothing wrong with that,” but notes self-awareness is key.
• Mothering the Mother:
  Host challenge: why "mother" the woman who abused you?

  “You might wanna start by withdrawing your support of somebody who abused you in your childhood.” – Crissle [33:17]

• Setting Boundaries:
  Learning how to apply boundaries across friendships and family—being clear about what is acceptable, and not tolerating repeated harm.

  “You don’t automatically cut people off…. But you also don’t want people to just run over you and do whatever they want to you over and over again.” – Crissle [38:16]

• Self-Parenting:
  Encouragement to invest energy in oneself and, for Crissle, her actual dependent—her daughter.

Notable Quotes

• “You choose your friends. You don’t choose family—but you can choose if you communicate with family.” – Jade [36:47]
• “Pouring more into yourself and the things you did not get as a child, making sure you give them to yourself.” – Jade [35:50]

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Segment 4: Cutting Off a Toxic, Violent Sibling (Erica Campbell's Soup Letter)

[40:12 - 56:18]

Listener Situation

Oldest daughter in a large African household asks if it’s justified to cut off her troubled, violent brother who just broke their mother’s finger during an argument (and following years of abuse from a now-deceased stepfather).

Key Discussion Points

• Cycle of Abuse & Enabling:
  The hosts recognize the generational trauma and “goodness” that often prevents mothers from protecting themselves, even as they enable abusers.

  “As much as we want to protect those matriarchs, we also have to step back and realize that sometimes they enable that behavior.” – Jade [46:54]

• Book Knowledge vs. Real Life:
  Crissle validates the pain of having professional, research-backed knowledge that crashes against the limits of family ties.

  “All that book learning is great. Just because you need support and resources… does not mean I have to be the bitch to give it to you.” – Crissle [45:50]

• Encouraging Professional Help, Not Martyrdom:
  Advice to direct energy toward getting the mother mental health support, and to recognize the limits of what the letter writer can do for her brother.
• Natural Consequences:
  If brother refuses help, he must face the consequences—legal or otherwise.

  “Rhoda might just need to learn some lessons and suffer some consequences.” – Jade [55:44]

• Breaking the Cycle for Oneself:
  Emphasis on not becoming the family martyr; stating boundaries with even deep empathy for Black men’s struggles in the system.

  “Don't take on the responsibility of healing your family, because everybody's healing is individual.” – Crissle [56:18]

Notable Quotes

• “You can lead the horse to water, but you can’t make him think.” – Crissle [56:44]
• “I'm willing to get you some referrals, get the help you need. Because I don't want to see my baby brother in jail for the rest of his life.” – Crissle [56:08]

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Memorable Moments & Quotes

• Crissle’s solidarity with listeners:

  “All you can do is all you can do.” [55:24]

• Jade, on workplace exploitation:

  “They're still mad they had to give us that little bit of money in 2020, and they are getting it back in blood.” [07:31]

• “Trying to be happy under an oppressive structure.” – Crissle [14:19]
• “You want help with protecting your peace and setting boundaries and all that, and at the same time, you are willingly subjecting yourself to taking care of the woman who you say abused you.” – Crissle [36:00]

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The Crissle’s Couch Approach

• Honesty, Empathy, No-Nonsense:
  Crissle and Jade pull no punches but remain unwaveringly compassionate, grounding their advice in both lived experience and sharp analysis of capitalism, family trauma, and intersecting oppressions.
• Gentle Accountability:
  Listeners are challenged to balance care for others with care for themselves, to set boundaries, and to reject systems that grind them down.
• Humor as Balm:
  Even heavy topics are handled with humor ("Cream of Chicken" for a letter sign-off; jabs about New Monica Lewinsky) to keep things grounded and real.

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Timestamps for Major Letters

• Angel of Mine (Work vs. Partner’s Health): [00:43 – 16:30]
• Wiz Khalifa (Healing from Abandonment): [16:32 – 26:46]
• Josephine Baker’s Shoes (Family, Boundaries, & Friendship): [26:53 – 39:48]
• Erica Campbell’s Soup (Cutting Off Abusive Sibling): [40:12 – 56:18]

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Takeaways

Balance is hard under capitalism and trauma. Boundaries are both necessary and hard-earned, especially for those who parent parents or carry family burdens. Healing is stepwise, messy, and never fully finished, but tending to yourself is not selfish—it’s essential. And no matter the situation, you are not alone on Crissle’s Couch.

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If you have a question: Email Crissle at [e-mail].

Transcript

[A]

Hi, and welcome to Crystal's Couch, the show where I answer your letters for advice and talk to the most interesting people in the world. We're back in the studio with my bestie, Jade.

[B]

Hello. Hello again.

[A]

We cannot wait to dive into the inbox and help you all answer some of these questions. The girlies need help. Yes, and they have reached out to us. Jade, how you feeling? You ready to do it?

[B]

They really reached out to Krystal. I don't know if people would actually reach out to me for help, but here I am.

[A]

You're right.

[B]

I was invited.

[A]

You're a fan favorite for a reason, girl.

[B]

I'm so ready to get into you all's business.

[A]

Amazing. Who's up first?

[B]

Angel of Mine.

[A]

New Monica.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Remember when you called somebody New Monica Lewinsky?

[B]

Don't forget the whole name now. Don't forget it.

[A]

How could I? How could I? You're right.

[B]

Thank you so much.

[A]

How dare I? That's my bad.

[B]

All right. Newmonica Lewinsky says, no, that's already. No, I brought it back. No, I brought it back.

[A]

Okay. You did? Why not? I did that to myself.

[B]

No. Angel of Mine says, dear crystal, I'm a 26 year old black gay man trying to survive corporate America while navigating a situation that has grown heavier than I expected. Couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend was hospitalized due to serious health complications. There was a snowstorm that prevented his family from traveling, so I was the only one there.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

I took three days off because I was essentially stuck at the hospital, even though I'd already used two sick days earlier that week because I was sick myself. After he was discharged, I returned to work and tried to reset. Then he was readmitted unexpectedly. This time, I worked from my apartment during the day when I could and stayed overnight at the hospital. I offered to adjust my schedule instead of calling out. Before this second admission, my supervisor had already mentioned that I'd taken a lot of time off this early in the year.

[A]

Ooh.

[B]

Which didn't sit right with me because none of this was within my control. Right now, I'm down to maybe two sick days left until 2027.

[A]

Oh, damn.

[B]

We also have other leave categories like compassionate leave, but the focus has mainly been on my sick time balance. And what happens if this continues.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When I asked to adjust my hours after his discharge, I was told that if this extends into next week, HR would need to be alerted to discuss other accommodations. And most recently, when our team was offered the option to work a half day on President's day. I accepted only to be told by my director that there was surprise. I would take it given the time I'd already used and that there should be fairness across the team. Well, don't tell. Don't give me some shit that I can't.

[A]

Right? Right.

[B]

Like I got it at first. Well, come on now. I understand policies, I understand staffing, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm being monitored heavily during one of the most stressful moments of my life.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I've shown up, I've offered solutions, I've tried to minimize disruption. I just refuse to feel guilty for prioritizing my partner's health during a crisis. Am I being too sensitive when it comes to my partner? How do you balance being a committed employee while also being a committed partner? When life gets unpredictable, I've been biting my tongue out of fear I would say something to make me lose my job. But the more these bitches keep poking, I might just do it and step out on faith. Thank you in advance for your advice, angel of mine.

[A]

Well, Angel, I wouldn't recommend.

[B]

Not the fuck at all.

[A]

I wouldn't recommend something wild and stepping out on faith. Cause the faith looking real shaky out here these days, baby.

[B]

I scrolled back to the top of this letter. It said I am a 26 year old black.

[A]

There we go. And I said, gen Z, copy.

[B]

Angel, you're playing bald headed games in this economy. And I'm not saying people get to take advantage of you and you can't prioritize your family or your family setting, but what happens if this nigga's sick and you ain't got no job? Then where y' all at?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

So angel, that was an insensitive way of saying that.

[A]

Nah.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

That's very real.

[B]

Oh okay, it is.

[A]

I'm thinking about how when we young adults around Angel's age, when you really join like the corporate workforce for the first time, right? And you're like, oh, I got a big girl job. Oh my God. It's like a real job.

[B]

401k.

[A]

It's weird because you're learning how to balance what you care about with the demands of the job. And I think Gen Z very rightly is annoyed by how much they're expected to give to work. Especially when work don't really be paying enough for you to care that much. Like, I get that.

[B]

And companies don't value people enough for like it's a lot of. There is justification for why you all feel the way that you do.

[A]

Yes. And I mean, I share a lot of those same concerns. I just am also of this mindset of I have to work. Like, unfortunately, capitalism is. And as much as I don't want it to be, I want us to all have a universal basic income that covers all of our needs. That would be incredible. Yes, I would love that.

[B]

Oh my God, it'd be so socialist.

[A]

I feel like I would be a much happier person. Basic human rights for all women. Like, oh my goodness, is it groundbreaking. But that is not the current society we live in. And so it's tricky because I don't necessarily think you're wrong. Like your partner having these very serious health issues, it makes sense that you would need to take some time away or maybe work from home on certain days. I don't think you're wrong for that. I do also understand though that most jobs are gonna act like your job, where it's like, baby, we not even six months through the year and you only have two sick days left till 2027.

[B]

Like 2027.

[A]

Right, right. But also, if you're offering everybody the option to work a half day on President's Day, don't be like, oh, well,

[B]

that was where I was.

[A]

We were surprised that you would take.

[B]

Cause now you're trying to set me up, right? I don't like that kind of shit.

[A]

Like, if you wanted to offer half day's for the sake of fairness, then

[B]

don't offer it to me, don't offer it to me. But also, angel of mine, you. Crystal's absolutely correct. You have to find your balance. Yes, but you are disposable. And I hate to say it like that, you're not disposable to us, but

[A]

you're disposable to the workplace, to capitalism.

[B]

You're disposable to capitalism.

[A]

We all are.

[B]

The minute that you step out and say, okay, well, I'm gonna go sit in the hospital 247 with my nigga then. And y' all can. They're gonna be like, okay. And they're going to pick up their AI generator that has gone through all these resumes and this is not the motherfucking time to be quitting jobs.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I hate to sound like old black lady whatever, Doomsday, but nigga, I've been working a long fucking time in a lot of different fields. And I can tell you right now, this is the worst of the worst of the worst that I've ever seen. Yes, I've been laid off three times. Laid off.

[A]

Right.

[B]

This is the worst I have Ever

[A]

seen in my life as millennials who have lived through a bunch of shit. I've never seen the job market this bad.

[B]

Never.

[A]

It's terrible out.

[B]

Never.

[A]

It is a. It is an employer's world. It's like they still mad that they had to give us that little bit of money in 2020. And they are getting it back in blood. Exactly. Damn, man.

[B]

So if you thought we. If we knew we was disposable, then imagine what it's looking like now as we are also not. You're young, you got a lot in front of you. But do not test the waters when you know that you need the stability.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Not in a. Not if. Not if it is not impeding on your livelihood. Not if it's not impeding on your safety as a person. You know what I'm saying? They're not telling you anything that is egregious.

[A]

Right?

[B]

They're not.

[A]

Right?

[B]

They're not coming at you like, you can't do. You can't be yourself. You can't do this. You gotta go to work, my nigga. Like, that's capitalism.

[A]

You gotta go to work. Yeah. Your supervisor mentioned that you've already taken a lot of time off early in this year. May have been, if you wanna read that, charitably, like a heads up, like, hey, you kind of burning through these hours and it's a lot more year

[B]

left, you know, and there's a lot of. A lot of managerial staff that would never, ever do that for you, first

[A]

of all, absolutely wouldn't. But I think you said that you feel like you're. You can't shake the feeling that you're being monitored heavily during one of the most stressful moments of your life. Because you are.

[B]

Because you are.

[A]

Because they're noticing that you're not there as much. And if your partner continues to be seriously ill or it gets much worse, then you may be able to file for fmla. You should look into that or maybe talk to HR about that, because that's protected leave where you can take unpaid time off. FMLA just basically protects your job and says at the end of this, you can come back and have a job, but it doesn't provide any sort of money or anything like that. It's just a way for your job to be on ice while you go take care of your man. But if it's not that serious anymore, or not serious enough where. Or you're not in a position financially to take, you know, weeks or months off to do something like that, then it is Gonna be about like, do you need this job?

[B]

I think the other side to this too. When I went back and looked, you said your boyfriend's family couldn't make it because of a snowstorm. What does this look like going forward?

[A]

Right.

[B]

What does it look like for you all to sit down and make a plan on how to do this equitably? Because you also should not be expected to go to work, to have to, you know, you've got things that you've got to take care of and then to go be at the. If you lose your job, you cannot be a proper support system. So what does it look like to convene with his family again or some other loved ones and figure out a plan if this is getting ready. Ready to be a long term thing.

[A]

Right. That's a great point, that this shouldn't all fall on you. But also, like, if you lose your job, you gonna need the support system.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

Cause you gonna be asked out. And baby, it's hard out here, like.

[B]

And I can tell you right now, I don't know who took care of you, who your family is, but I know whoever they are, if you say, I lost my job because I was sitting up at the hospital with my boyfriend, they're gonna be like, now what was the plan then?

[A]

What was you gonna do that the doctors and nurses couldn't do?

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

And it's. And that sounds so insensitive.

[B]

It does.

[A]

Because capitalism.

[B]

Exactly. All of this is because capitalism and white supremacy.

[A]

But unfortunately, at this giant age, I might have taken one day off because my partner had to go to the hospital. I'm probably not taking three days off when I just took off two for my own illness. And then he goes back, and now I'm like, okay, I gotta work from home sometimes when I'm able to. But this meant. Because I have been in the workforce and have been doing this so much longer than you, at this point, I would have been like, is he stable? Okay, I gotta go to work. Unfortunately.

[B]

Listen, a couple years ago when I was filming Black Kitchen series.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

You know, and me and Tristan been. We've been married 11 years. Yeah. Okay. We've been together 14.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

That nigga has never gone to the hospital. And as soon as I leave, I'm like, I'm be out this bitch for almost a month. Because I remember that I'm in the hospital. What the fuck? So he goes to the hospital. This for you two, angel of mine.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

He goes to the hospital. It's the whole thing. Gallbladder Shit. Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. Right. So I had to ask the question. I'm like, of course I'm scared. You've never been hospitalized in our whole relationship. The minute I leave, you are. And then. But I did have to ask. I was like, is this. Is he stable? Is he like, is it critical? It was not. Cause he was talking to me. But I had to figure all of those things out because that was going to. That was gonna be what I measured in order whether I need to stop my project in the middle of it and leave and go back. Obviously, I'm willing to do that for my family.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But I had to weigh all of the different things before I made that decision. And I know you and your partner are probably very deeply in L. And y' all want to hold each other's hands, and it's scary to be in the hospital.

[A]

Yes, that's scary.

[B]

It is. And also, it is scary to not have a job.

[A]

Oh, yes.

[B]

Particularly in this particular economy.

[A]

Right, Right. Because if Tristan was in critical condition, like the hospital called you and said, we have your husband, then obviously you would have left. But you also would have missed out on a massive opportunity and pay and things that have resulted from that opportunity.

[B]

So that also benefit my family. Right, Exactly.

[A]

All because capitalism.

[B]

Because capitalism.

[A]

So, unfortunately, angel of mine, I do think you are learning to play the capitalism game and you're realizing how much it fucking sucks.

[B]

It does.

[A]

And it does.

[B]

It does.

[A]

And I hate to be like, welcome to New York, but that's what it is.

[B]

That's what it is, babe.

[A]

It is. And now you see why the rest of us, we want to fight to have a different system. We want things to be better. Like, we want more people like Zoran Mamdani, who is a democratic socialist in office, to push more policies for the people. Because these companies and corporations are making billions and not giving a shit about us. It's like, oh, you can't come to work. That's fine. We'll find another son of a bitch to come in here. Like, whatever. Fuck you. You can't pay your rent. You can't feed your kids or yourself. Oh, well, not our fucking problem. You know that. It's really trying to be happy under an oppressive structure. Yeah.

[B]

Finding a balance, huh?

[A]

Yep. It really is about that.

[B]

So I shouldn't be so overjoyed that Mom Donnie was able to get Universal Pre K3 throughout the city.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Because so parents could go to work so their kids can go to fucking school. Right.

[A]

That's so parents can Go to work. Okay. I should not be so hype about

[B]

that, but I am. Because so many other people care even less about our wellbeing.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

You're just getting a really rude awakening right now to the realities of again, love. I have been laid off three times. I got laid off in the first recession. I got laid off in the shift of the music industry when everything went to streaming. I have been laid off across the gambit, and it just fucking sucks. The workforce sucks. And there is nothing better that we can offer you to that except finding your joy and finding your balance.

[A]

Don't cuss them people out.

[B]

Do not cuss them people out. Cause also, you don't know how many people know people as well.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And what you do not want to do is shoot yourself in the foot in a job search elsewhere as well.

[A]

Yes. And I'll say this. You might be thinking, I need to go work somewhere else. This is going to be pretty standard across the board at every employer.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

This is. Unfortunately, I didn't hear nothing so egregious. Nah, this is normal American workplace culture.

[B]

You're rarely going to hear somebody be like, your boyfriend is sick. I'm sorry.

[A]

Oh, my God. Take however much time you need. Oh, yeah, no problem.

[B]

Even that unlimited PTO a lot of these companies are offering, Bitch. That is. That is. That is a trick, right?

[A]

That's a trap, first of all. And they don't actually mean it.

[B]

No, they do not.

[A]

Because if they did, then nobody would come to work and they would just get paid.

[B]

Look how they start shitting their pants after motherfucking Covid, and they're like too much free time. Office, three days a week.

[A]

Like, yeah, you can't.

[B]

This system is not done yet. And so you just have to learn how to work within it.

[A]

She's right. Good luck, baby. But do not quit that job.

[B]

No, don't quit that job.

[A]

All right, who's next?

[B]

Jade Wiz Khalifa.

[A]

Wonderful.

[B]

You're welcome. Krystal, I have a specific question for you.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I have followed your progress through your mental health degree and the life experiences you have shared on the podcast. As someone who has also experienced childhood abandonment, I was wondering if you could share what has helped you overcome those challenges, both from an academic perspective and personally. As a licensed professional counselor associate, I often provide a guidance on how to cope with abuse and neglect. However, I find that my own relationship with my absent father still affects me regularly.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Any insight you could provide would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for everything you do. Best regards, Wiz. Khalifa.

[A]

Oh, Wiz. Bold of you to assume that I've overcome those challenges. Jade said I wasn't gonna say it. Bitch. I am still struggling.

[B]

Me, too. I would've. Between the eyes that nigga.

[A]

I'm telling you.

[B]

Go ahead, please.

[A]

Unfortunately, the effects of emotional abuse and neglect in childhood tend to linger throughout one's life. And although I have put so much work into this, yeah, I'm still dealing with a lot of that. I'm doing much better. I don't cope with drinking alcohol anymore. Thank God. We all know my alcohol problem was nothing fun or cute. But I still am struggling to consistently take good care of myself. I still am. You know, I find myself being triggered, or Fran calls it time traveling, which I think is so cute.

[B]

That's sweet.

[A]

But, like, especially in the realm of dating and romantic interest, it's like, unfortunately, I do still have some lessons to learn. I am still healing in a way from what I was taught to expect or to appreciate or to even want out of a romantic dynamic. So I say all that to say I'm very much so still affected. I've just done a lot of fucking work, so I'm in a much better position now than I ever have been. But, yeah, overcome. I'll let you know when I have overcome those challenges. Baby, I'm still. I wish. It's like, every day I feel like I'm juggling. Like, what am I actually gonna be able to do successfully today? I don't know. We'll see. The only thing I get right every day is taking care of Lani.

[B]

She'll die if you.

[A]

Laney gets her walks. Lainey gets her food. Lainey goes to. And water. She goes to daycare. She gets so many loves and snuggles and all that. The rest of it, child. Did I vacuum the house today? Did I sweep? Did I mop? Did I cook a healthy dinner? Did I go outside? Did I go to the gym? Did I call a friend? Did I journal? Did I bitch? I'm so rarely doing all of that shit. It's true.

[B]

If I call her, I'd be like, did you eat today? She'd be like, I have some rice and eggs, you know?

[A]

Well, at least I ate today.

[B]

Okay, Relax.

[A]

So, yeah, I do think that going to grad school helped in a huge way because I had so much more understanding for how I got to where I am. And so, you know how other people end up where they are. Like, it definitely increased my knowledge, which increased my empathy for myself and others. If you're asking you know how I've made any progress? It's just from having an excellent therapist who I have been seeing every week. I don't take summers off. We only take time off when she need it. I never cancel with that lady. I'm locked in with her every week.

[B]

I love that lady. And I've never even.

[A]

I go see her on a regular basis. And I have been very, very privileged to be able to do that. So that is how I have gotten from, you know, the girl that most of you met back in 2013 to now. It's just been that daily work. My therapist helped me see things that I had not seen clearly before. She helped me change my way of thinking from something that was really hateful and mean to something that's compassionate and has empathy for me and the things that I've been through. And all of that has very slowly had an effect on my real life and my behaviors, the things I choose to do.

[B]

But what's your views on radical acceptance?

[A]

Radical acceptance is great when it comes

[B]

to something like this. With who'd I call them? Wiz Khalifa?

[A]

With Wiz Khalifa. Yeah.

[B]

With, you know, this absent father and struggling with that.

[A]

Yeah. Well, again, you being able to hold the fact that two things can be true is so important. And for me, it took a long time to accept a lot of the realities of what I've been through because it wasn't fucking fair. And so I shouldn't have to accept it because why would I. Why would I accept it when it shouldn't have happened and I deserved so much better? And that resistance is real. And you have to feel that, but you do hopefully get to a place where it's like I did deserve better. And I have to accept that I didn't get it and I will never get it. And there is nothing I can do. All the work now. And that's important to know you're not helpless or hopeless because that is the childhood you have. You can rebuild and rewire your brain and all that moving forward, but nobody can snap their fingers and give you a redo on childhood. This is why I stress the importance of people growing the fuck up before they have children. I mean, that would be the best time. Second best time is right now. But, yeah, it's a hard pill to swallow because what the fuck you mean, why should I have to accept that when them niggas did me wrong?

[B]

You are. You are not wrong.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then also that resistance after a while is so hard on your own spirit.

[A]

Yeah. It gets in your way. Yeah, but I'm only human.

[B]

Exactly. Of course.

[A]

So, like.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm not always gonna get it right. I'm not gonna heal right. I'm not.

[B]

Nobody is healed. Let's be clear. None of y' all are healed. If you think you healed, you ain't. Well, no, nobody's healed. Nobody is 100% healed. Well, you're a human, and you ain't perfect.

[A]

Well, I don't think healed means perfect.

[B]

What do you think it means?

[A]

I think healed means you're at a place where most of the time you do what is best for you.

[B]

Sure. I don't know if I would call that healed, though.

[A]

Well, it really depends on what you've gone through. Because there's also that if you're starting from a place where you grew up with a bent. Okay. Or it's cracked. I was thinking more abandonment and emotional neglect and things along that line, but okay. Yeah. If you're starting off at a place where you were coping by, you know, drinking too much, getting high too often or for too long, eating too much, being sexually irresponsible, shopping, spending money recklessly, there's all sorts of ways that people cope with the emotional difficulties that they have. When you have done enough inner work to where you're not hurting yourself anymore, that you're able to have a balanced, measured approach to life, you wake up feeling happy or at peace, and you're able to execute the things that you need to do that are best for you or your dependents, even when you don't feel like it or you're not in the mood, when you're privileged enough to have enough work. Life balance. This is the thing. I don't like using the word healed either, because so much of healing is not even really about the work. It's about having the opportunity to do the work.

[B]

Right, right. Right.

[A]

Capitalism always. It always goes back to. It really does always go back to that. So.

[B]

Because I think about addicts, right? They're always addicts. There's just some. There's sometimes they're in recovery.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so I feel like a person who has done all those things that you said. I'm like, you still in recovery because the. You are a person who can always end up back in a space. And that's not calling something on somebody, but it's just like you have the ability to do that. That's why I feel like people who say that they're healed are snooty and egotistical.

[A]

That sounds like a very AA type

[B]

of perspective of, like, all right, well, I've had a lot of crack in my family.

[A]

There we go. So that does make sense, this idea of that. It does make sense. And I know that for a lot of people, if you're dealing with substances especially, it can be very useful to say, I'm an alcoholic. Even if you haven't had a drink in years. Because if you know that having one drink will lead to you having 10 drinks that same night, then sort of reminding yourself, like, that's a line I don't cross because I can't handle it, that can be very useful. But that's not a universal thing.

[B]

Okay, I agree.

[A]

That's not for everybody, so. But I see what you're saying.

[B]

You see what I'm saying?

[A]

I do. And it's real.

[B]

None of you niggas are healed. All right.

[A]

Hope that helped Wiz Khalifa. I'll let you know when I'm over the hump, baby.

[B]

In the meantime.

[A]

Not there yet.

[B]

In the meantime.

[A]

Still letting hoes play with me.

[B]

You deserve some light for your heart.

[A]

Indeed you do.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All right, who's next?

[B]

Fuck your daddy. Josephine Baker's Shoes.

[A]

Love you, girl.

[B]

Jesus.

[A]

Remember Bakers, Rip.

[B]

Is Baker still around? I don't think so.

[A]

But that's not.

[B]

That's why I said Josephine Baker's Shoes.

[A]

The youth will never know Bakers.

[B]

They won't. That was a very specific reference.

[A]

Baker's is where you could get shoes for the club and work.

[B]

Baker's was, like, one step down from Aldo.

[A]

Yes. And I don't know.

[B]

Maybe.

[A]

But.

[B]

Yeah, no, maybe. Right there with Steve Madden.

[A]

They about what and what? Right, yeah. Cause I think, you know, they both kind of copy off somebody else's designs. Yeah, exactly. All of them.

[B]

So maybe they're right there with all those. What a time to be alive.

[A]

Anyway, them early aughts.

[B]

Josephine Baker's Shoes says. Hey, Crystal. I had a close friend named Sally. Through our friendship, she met another friend of mine, Kathy. They started dating quickly.

[A]

Ooh, lesbians.

[B]

And I didn't hear from them as often.

[A]

Makes sense. They went into their little lesbian bold.

[B]

Okay. They're little.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

They moved in.

[A]

They moved in with each other within a month of meeting. Of course they did. Happy Pride.

[B]

Moved out of state and back and even got engaged. I didn't think much of it. I just assumed they were in that new love phase where they were just deeply lesbianly immersed in each other's lives.

[A]

Correct.

[B]

And that I'd surely get an invite to their wedding when they came up for air. But eventually Sally accused me of being upset with their relationship. This was shocking and untrue.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I later found out that Kathy had a crush on me. But instead of having an honest conversation, uh oh, where's our girl from earlier? What was her name? They cut me off and labeled me the problem.

[A]

Of course they did.

[B]

Now that I'm removed from it, I see I had blind spots at a certain point. Kathy seemed to have been interested in my friends, not just friendship with me. Looking back, I wish I had better boundaries. This has made me reflect broadly on all of my relationships. I often give too much without it being reciprocated. Friendship fills emotional gaps for me since I don't have family pouring into me in ways I think humans need, or at least in the way my soul needs. I like that. For example, I'm currently mothering my mother who abused me in my developmental years. My father only reaches out when he needs money. I told him to stop asking me for money and I haven't heard from him in two years. The rest of my family views me for my utility and not my humanity. No one in my family can love me without conditions just because I exist.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I search for that in friendship. I'm trying to build healthier ways to connect with people and trying to address how I approach current and future friendships. So my question is, how do I protect my loving nature, set boundaries, and avoid being taken advantage of again? Josephine Baker's Shoes.

[A]

Josephine Baker by Icon. I feel like Jay be doing this on purpose. She be picking names that are related to the letter. Even though she don't be trying to, but she be doing it.

[B]

It's the witchiness.

[A]

It is, it is. It's the woo woo of it all. It is. Oh, Lord. This. This is messy lesbian shit.

[B]

Well, initially it's messy lesbian shit. And then it's like.

[A]

And then we got into something real, Right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So, hmm. It sounds like you're very self aware, first of all, that, you know, you look for family in your friendships and there's nothing wrong with that. I mean, I have been very, extremely fortunate to find that in my friends as well. And you, you're able to identify, like, what's going on with your family and why they're unable to. What really jumped out at me here is like, how do I protect my nature, set boundaries, avoid being taken advantage of again. Right after you said, I'm currently mothering my mother who abused me in my developmental years.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What's that about, Josie?

[B]

You set a boundary with your father. And then he just stopped calling.

[A]

Which.

[B]

Which Good.

[A]

I mean, sad.

[B]

Yes. I don't mean like that. I'm sorry. That came out much more. Don't call if I tell you to stop calling me if you only need money.

[A]

And you.

[B]

My feelings are hurt, but also I am clear, right?

[A]

Yeah, because. And we're clear because all you were looking for over here was a Venmo or cash app. And like, I'm your fucking daughter, your

[B]

utility, like you said, and not your humanity.

[A]

But I would say, you know, you're focused on your friendships. I would ask you why you are mothering your mother. Why are you doing that?

[B]

That's tricky, right? That's tricky.

[A]

What do you mean by tricky?

[B]

Back to our conversation a couple of weeks ago.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Where I was in the same outfit. Yeah.

[A]

This is your uniform.

[B]

Thank you, Janelle Monae. That load bearing beam.

[A]

Beam.

[B]

Oh, yes. Sometimes it needs to be destroyed. Sometimes the house needs to be completely flattened and rebuilt. And I think some people

[A]

find some

[B]

kind of way to. To work around those load bearing beams as well. And don't choose to flatten the whole house.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And not. It's not my. It's not my place to have an opinion on which way somebody chooses to go. But that's such a tender space, right? The mother, that motherhood. I am also wondering the same thing.

[A]

Yeah. My thing, Josephine, is like, we can definitely focus on your friendships giving too much without it being reciprocated. However, if you see a therapist, one thing that they are trained to do is point out where we're contradicting ourselves and maybe don't even realize it. You wanna protect your loving nature and set boundaries and avoid being taken advantage of. You might wanna start by withdrawing your support of somebody who abused you in your childhood. Now, I don't have all the details here.

[B]

That's the part that's hard.

[A]

But it is worth. It's really worth considering because I help take care of my mother. I help support my mother. I do not mother my mother. I have been open with her about my journey in therapy. I have strongly suggested multiple times that she go to therapy. She has chosen to not do that and I have washed my hands of it because that's a grown woman and she can make her own decisions. However, that also means that I have to be realistic about the nature of our relationship. I am not taking on the responsibility that I see a lot of other women my age doing where it's like, oh, I see these posts all the time on TikTok and Threads where it's like anybody else in their 30s and 40s, mothering their mother, parenting their parents. Fuck, no, I am not taking on that responsibility. You know why? Because I need that energy. Because I have to re parent, and I have a daughter at home who needs my energy, who needs my time and support, who is my actual dependent. You know, who I owe that to? So, no, I'm not going out of my way to mother my mother and try to get her to do the right thing and take care of herself and be where she's supposed to be. I'm not. I'm not doing all that. This was before she got very sick. And even now, I'm not taking on that level of responsibility for her. And I'm completely at peace with that because I need that.

[B]

And I think that's where this is. Is this. I actually. I agree with you, and I think that's a beautiful point that you said earlier. I'm just wondering, is this at all nuanced? Like, how does this.

[A]

The whole conversation's nuanced. Yeah. And, you know, like, well, I don't

[B]

know if this lady's incapacitated. Like, we. You need a context episode.

[A]

No, we don't.

[B]

Yes, we do.

[A]

We really do not. Because people can take what resonates and leave what doesn't.

[B]

You're right. Eat the meat, spit out the boys.

[A]

And, I mean, I highly doubt Josephine is to going listen to this and be like, fuck my mama. I'm never speaking to that bitch again. You know, I'm not saying that either.

[B]

Right?

[A]

I'm obviously not saying that. And I don't feel that way about my mama. You know, I told y', all, I just. I just spent my own money to fly us to Texas to get her set up, you know, because she needs that support and care. It's not.

[B]

You just have a balance in how you. And also in pouring more into yourself and the things that you did not get as a child, making sure you give them to yourself.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And I think that's.

[A]

That is what immediately jumped out at me from this letter because of my training as a therapist of, like, hmm. It's interesting that you want help with protecting your peace and setting boundaries and all that, and at the same time, you are willingly subjecting yourself to taking care of the woman who you say abused you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's very interesting. It's really worth your time to sit with that and decide, like, is this real what you want to do? Or do you feel some sort of sense of obligation? And where does that come from. A therapist can absolutely help you work through those things. But you know, the things you've said about your family here, I'm not surprised that you're looking for something healthier in your friends.

[B]

Not at all. And good you should, because you choose your friends. You don't choose family.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But you can choose if you communicate with family.

[A]

You're right about that. You just can't choose that DNA.

[B]

No, you cannot.

[A]

But whether the nature of your relationship with them and how much effort you're willing to put into it, that is completely up to you once we reach adulthood. So that is where I would actually encourage you to start looking. But I do also want to say you asked how you can avoid being taken advantage of again. I think the most obvious way is to be stricter, but with limitations. I don't know what all happened, you know, with Sally or Kathy. You said at some point Kathy seemed to be more interested in your friends and not just you. And you know, whatever other stuff that

[B]

you feel like, look, we forgot about them hoes. Cause they don't even matter.

[A]

They were really. They're your presenting problem. Your issue is deeper.

[B]

But yeah, it is.

[A]

You're saying, you know, looking back, I wish I had better boundaries and all this. That's the thing. I let people fuck up. But you not gonna keep doing the same shit over and over. Exactly. That's what you're not gonna do. Exactly. At that point, I have to distance myself from you emotionally, physically, whatever else. Cause you cannot have the same level of access to me when you've demonstrated over and over again. You don't know how to treat me. So you probably need to be a little bit stricter in that regard with your friendships. You don't automatically cut people off. You don't wanna go too far. But you also don't wan where people just run over you and do whatever they want to to you over and over again. I've been both of those. And I'm very excited to now be in like a healthy middle where I'm not doing too much in either direction. But yeah, babe, I would recommend seeing a therapist if that is at all accessible for you. But you trying to build healthier ways to connect with people, really investigate that relationship with your mom and why you're doing the things you're doing.

[B]

That is a good point. That is a really good point actually.

[A]

Because you can be in communication, you can be in community and have a relationship with her without mothering her. That's a big one.

[B]

I'm like what are you doing? Is she living with you? And.

[A]

Right. And I mean, you could be completely taking over her care. You could just be providing emotional insight and guidance. Whatever it is. It's very tricky to the psyche because your body is like, what the fuck are we doing? You providing all this tender loving care to somebody who abused the shit out of us? Are you, bitch?

[B]

Are you? Well, that will fuck you up.

[A]

It will.

[B]

That will fuck you up.

[A]

That will really fuck you up in

[B]

your friendships and your future relationships. And that will mess you up if you don't find the balance in all of that.

[A]

Yes. So that's where I would start if I were you, Jojo. What do you think, Jade? Any other advice or insight?

[B]

No, I think that was. I think that was. You gave really great advice there.

[A]

Okay, well, wishing you the best of luck, baby girl.

[B]

Still requesting that context episode out of my pure nosiness.

[A]

Next up, one more letter, please, Jade.

[B]

Oh, let's just call her Erica Campbell.

[A]

I'm shocked you didn't put soup at the end of that. I'll be doing it to myself at this point, man.

[B]

Erica Campbell's soup says cream of chicken. Hey, Krystal, I wanna go. No contact with my younger brother because he physically hurt my mom.

[A]

Oh, shit. Yikes. Okay, what happened, girl?

[B]

But I don't know if that's the right thing to do. All right, let's. We're about to get a little context.

[A]

It's Jade's favorite details.

[B]

Okay, don't give me no CTE ass story. I'm 28 and the eldest daughter of four. On my mom's daughter, I have 21 year old twin brothers and a 20 year old sister. Because of the age gap and being in an African household, I'm essentially a second mom. Oh, I know that. Oh, we both know.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

We both know.

[A]

I feel you, sister. Immediately, child.

[B]

One of my brothers, King, is an asshole and always has been. He was the twin that hoarded all the toys, lied about who made the mess, and watched his brother get whooped for things he did. All the bad seed. We're going to call him Rhoda, not King. Fast forward to today. He's constantly making bad decisions, failing classes, overspending, and being argumentative when we try to address these issues or even when we give him advice that he asked for. Lord, I live out of state, but every time I call home, it's a new story of some fucked up thing he did to my mom or siblings. My mom and I have tried tough love and we've tried being more understanding. I try really hard to be supportive and kind because I feel like he needs it and he's been through a lot. His dad, my stepdad, died when he was nine and he's always struggled in school due to learning disabilities, including adhd.

[A]

Got you.

[B]

But he has officially crossed the line and I think I'm done with him. Last night I visited home and my mom, brothers and I were catching up on family things. Then my mom asked why Rhoda has been using her car without permission to do doordashes. The he then he admitted he was wrong but also tried to justify being dishonest.

[A]

Oh yuck.

[B]

My mom gets tired of going back and forth with him and feels like he listens to me more, so I tend to step up and challenge his flawed reasoning and try to impart some wisdom. This conversation quickly escalated to my brother yelling at and standing over my mom, snatching her car keys and taking her car and speeding off.

[A]

Oh Lord.

[B]

He ended up breaking her finger in the process.

[A]

Oh no.

[B]

We called the police to be on the lookout for the car but he made it home on his own around 2am we were all pretty shaken. Me especially my mom was just tired in every sense of the word and didn't even want to get her finger checked out even though it was very swollen and painful. Lord, I'm livid and deeply triggered. My stepdad was physically abusive towards both my mom and me from the time when I was 8 until he died when I was 16. Oh no. Rhoda and my other siblings were very young when the abuse was at its worst, so they don't know anything about this. I struggled with PTSD and spent nearly 10 years in therapy. My mom has also had a lifetime of abuse but is still the kindest person. Seeing Rhoda yell at and put hands on my mom put me in a dangerous headspace and I know if I tried to stop him I would have taken out some deep seated anger and trauma on him. After hours of thinking terrible thoughts about Rhoda and how to retaliate, I have just landed on disconnecting. I want nothing to do with it. Feels right spiritually and emotionally, but feels wrong logically. He's a neurodivergent, troubled young black man. This is all in quotes. I'm a mental health nurse and researcher that focuses on black mental health. Rhoda was actually arrested the same day I defended my PhD dissertation. My work says he needs more chances, more resources, more support and less police incarceration. Yes, but for me I Don't have it in me to be there for Rhoda after this. I can't even look at. Is it okay to cut him off in this situation? What are some other options or ideas? Thank you for any help you can provide, Erica. Campbell's soup, cream of chicken.

[A]

First of all, I'm sorry that Jade changed your brother's name from King to Rhoda. I. I'm so sorry she did that. Rhoda was a serial killer. I don't know why.

[B]

Rhoda was a bad seed.

[A]

She was a sociopath. Right, Right.

[B]

Because of her seed. Her foundation. She inherited it.

[A]

So

[B]

anyway, why would you point it out?

[A]

Should have just let it rot. No. Cause you took it too far.

[B]

No, no, no, no. Because this nigga's a bad seed now. With reason. Yes, there's reason. No excuse, but reason. Well, but you're doing bad things.

[A]

I mean, we don't. We actually don't know that. Like, I mean, he may be Rhoda. Ish, perhaps, but I think in this email, it's less about why your brother behaves this way and more about you and your mom being the fuck over it and needing to find ways to move forward. It sounds like your mother is still supporting him, which, if he's only 21, that makes sense. Yeah, he's probably still living in her home and all that. And you are really stuck between, like, what I want to do versus, like, the literature, the research, what I know is best for him and all that. As someone who has been just that.

[B]

Nature versus nature.

[A]

Right. And as someone who shares this experience, I would just tell you right now, all that book learning is great. It really is. It absolutely serves a purpose. And just because you need that support and resources and less policing and incarceration does not mean I have to be the bitch to give it to you. Absolutely not, actually. So I would. I think what I would do is actually not even focus on my brother, but focus on my mother. Mama, he been like this his whole life. He has a twin who don't act like this. So that's very interesting. Right. That's why I said he might be Rhoda. Ish. This could be, you know, sociopath tendencies that he was born with. But what is your mother willing to do?

[B]

There's also that because a lot of times our mothers, our grandmothers, our aunties, when we see shit like this, and we got a rotten ass fucking brother or cousin or uncle or whatever the case is.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

As much as we want to protect those matriarchs, we Also have to step back and realize that sometimes they enable that behavior. Most of the time, they enable that behavior 100%. And that's a really frustrating space to be when you're watching somebody you deeply love be abused. And enable the abuse.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And enable the behavior that has caused the abuse in the first place and

[A]

get mad at you for trying to protect them.

[B]

Yeah, I've seen this time and time again.

[A]

Oh, so many times.

[B]

Time and time again. Literally everything.

[A]

Right. And your stepdad had a history of being abusive. I wonder if your mother hasn't endured so much abuse throughout her life that she's just like, this is just one more person acting like this is a horrible place to see that means you

[B]

gave up and you tired. Right.

[A]

And of course you tired because you've been through a lot of bullshit. God only knows what she saw, what she's seen throughout her lifetime. But I think your main concern here is not even your brother. I think it's your mom. And I would absolutely. Oh, you said my mom has had a lifetime of abuse, but is the kindest person. Right. So seeing your brother yell at her, put hands on her, Broke her fucking finger. Because we asked why you was taking the car without permission to do doordash. Like.

[B]

That's right. When you apologized on my behalf. I didn't. I'm not. I don't apologize.

[A]

Yeah, no, no, no, don't do. I didn't apologize on your behalf. I said I'm sorry that Jay did that. Okay. I didn't say Jay was sorry.

[B]

I'm not sorry.

[A]

Really. If you don't have it in you to be there for King after this, that makes complete fucking sense. Because King's being a dickhead. And if I talk to him, which I can't say that I wouldn't. I probably would, actually. I would probably call up my brother or text him or something like that and be like, you don't really get it. Cause the law ain't got they hands on your ass yet.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But keep going the way you going, and you gonna have real fucking problems that mama can't save you from.

[B]

Yeah. Cause I'm about to break your ankle. Cause this is the kind of nigga you gotta break his ankle to. Teach him a lesson. You got to. And if he don't learn it after you break his ankle, I don't believe in jail. But you might gotta go to jail for five minutes. I don't know.

[A]

Because, well, if he's act. He's been acting like this all his life. He's 21. And being a man, it is a matter of time before he end up in the back of a police car.

[B]

And what you said earlier is what always sticks with me when it comes to people who were abused. Witness abuse, grew up in very unsavory and unfair conditions.

[A]

Right.

[B]

He got a twin brother who don't do all of that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So this is a reason, but it's not a motherfucking excuse.

[A]

It absolutely isn't. And did you see is God is.

[B]

Not yet, but.

[A]

Well, I won't spoil it.

[B]

I don't care about spoilers.

[A]

Well, I won't spoil it for the audience.

[B]

Well, they shouldn't then. They should.

[A]

But I will say there is. There's a very similar dynamic in is got is where there's an abusive parent and there are twins. And one of the twins has picked up that abusive nature and the other hasn't.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

And so it really does go back to that question of nature versus nature. And that's why I said he might be Rhoda Ish. Like it might be.

[B]

He could be a balance. He could literally be some rota, some nature and some nurture. Right. But that he happens with a lot of people.

[A]

His father was abusive to you and your mother. And even though they were too young to have really seen that or to remember any of it, he clearly has those ways.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And so you don't live there. I'm sure your mom and your siblings are. Your other siblings are your top priority. But what your mother is willing to do is not up to you. I would be offering to send my mother to therapy or help her find a therapist. Not even just for this son, because she has endured a lifetime of abuse. She's been through so much and needs some fucking help. Right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

People who have been. Who have been chronically abused tend to have extremely low self esteem, a very poor sense of self worth, and they can be, like you said, the kindest people to each other and still at the same time don't really see the value in themselves. So I would be offering to set my mother up with some sort of mental health support however I could. But, baby, the question of, like, is it the right thing to not talk to your brother? I would tell him, you're actually very fortunate that all I'm doing is not talking to you. You're extremely lucky, nigga. Cause I wanna beat your ass with

[B]

a pillow between your eyes.

[A]

I wanna stop you from breathing, but I'm not going that far.

[B]

This is what I'm saying. Saying,

[A]

but I'M not going that far. I'm keeping it cute because you're my mother's child. You my brother or whatever. Yeah, but this behavior.

[B]

Nah, we're not tolerating that.

[A]

He needs. He absolutely needs all of the support and resources and help that you talked about. Is he willing to get it? Have you had one conversation with your brother about it? You have the.

[B]

What does all the twins say? I'm just so curious. Yeah. How they handle.

[A]

That's a good question. I would really want to get the perspective of your younger siblings, just to see where their heads are at, to see what their mind space is like having a brother who they've grown up with who has acted like this all this time, but.

[B]

Cause you're the oldest and you have a bit of a different purview. But they right there with him on the age. So I'm just curious.

[A]

And you're also a mental health nurse, a researcher. You have your PhD. Him getting arrested the day you defended your dissertation is just like, boy couldn't get more stereotypical eldest immigrant daughter versus son who's allowed to be an absolute hellion. Right, right. Like, it's just so stereotypical.

[B]

No, that nigga is Rhoda.

[A]

He might be. He might be.

[B]

Does that mean that he does not deserve some. If some remorse was expressed and like a change?

[A]

Does he? Well, right. So you can't help anybody who doesn't want it.

[B]

No.

[A]

That's why I would say if you haven't had one conversation with your brother about mental health support and something is seriously wrong and I want you to get the help you need, then I would be willing to do that. I would be willing to say, now, you know, I got my PhD in this. I work in mental health services. I see things in you. And I think that we can, you know, if you're willing to go, I would like to set you up with a referral to see somebody who specializes in personality disorders. Antisocial personality disorder is what jumps out to me from this behavior.

[B]

Which can be.

[A]

Can't that be.

[B]

Can't that be nurtured as well? Can that come from.

[A]

I believe so. I believe that that can happen as a result of trauma shit in life. And I think there is also a biological element to it. Right. But either way, if you are willing to seek treatment and you can find the right service providers, these things do. They can be managed, but it's going to take time. It's going to take a lot of fucking effort from your brother and he's going to need to want it. And if he hasn't actually suffered real consequences yet. Cause your mama's like, yes, he's a piece of shit, but that's my baby.

[B]

That's that. That is that.

[A]

Then be glad you don't live there, Sean.

[B]

That deep, deep, deep intersection of like, mm, is this my fucking business? I love this lady. And this lady is bringing this shit on herself.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And this is not just about your mother. Cause like I said, I feel like I just talked about something very similar to this five minutes ago. I feel like so many loved ones in my own. I literally thought of a scenario where I'm like, two brothers. One went off the deep end and has a lot of diagnosis, but also has just done a lot of bad things because of that. And the other one has chosen not to. And what do we do in these situations? How do we deal with that? And so we pray your peace. Erica Campbell soup.

[A]

I mean, I do. And I just wanna reiterate that all you can do is all you can do.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You have this incredible education. You have this work experience about mental health and what people need, and you can identify what's going on within your family. You can offer that support to your mother and brother. You cannot make them take it.

[B]

No. And Rhoda might just need to learn some lessons and suffer some consequences.

[A]

Might. But again, baby, the. The. The prison pipeline, he is heading down that prison superhighway.

[B]

No, no, no. Like, fast, fast, Bronco style.

[A]

MPH Broncos.

[B]

And I don't want that for him at all. But that nigga needs a wake up call.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And that's just that.

[A]

And I would probably stress that, like, I'm willing to get you some referrals. Get the help you need. Because I don't want to see my baby brother in jail for the rest of his life.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

So good luck as you try to navigate things. But don't take on the responsibility of healing your family, because everybody's healing is individual. It's up to the. All you can do is help, try to point them in the right direction. You can lead the horse to water, but you can't make him think. All right, that is going to wrap up this week's episode of Chrystal's Couch. Jade of oj.

[B]

I've been here all month.

[A]

We had to have Jade for pride, obviously.

[B]

Duh.

[A]

Uncle Jade had. Follow her online at JadeofallJades. Check out her podcast Getting Grown and Jade nextd available wherever you get your favorite shows. And follow us Chrystal's Couch online We're at Chrysalis Couch, and if you have a question for me, please send me an email. Baby advicerystlescouch.com all right, see you next week.