Session 39: Calling Crissle

Summary

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Crissle’s Couch – Session 39: Calling Crissle

Host: Crystal (aka Crissle)
Release Date: August 11, 2026
Podcast by CAKE MEDIA

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Episode Overview

Session 39 of Crissle’s Couch is a candid, listener-centered episode featuring live calls about friendship rupture, family boundaries, and the complicated economics of adult children and their parents. Crystal brings her usual honesty, humor, and warmth to each caller’s situation, offering tough but loving advice. The episode focuses on how to care for oneself while navigating fraught interpersonal relationships, with a strong undercurrent of accountability, empathy, and clear boundaries.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Reconnecting with a Longtime Friend After a Falling Out (Lyra, 02:03–21:55)

Background:
Lyra calls in about ghosting her best friend of 16 years after a tense 30th birthday trip and struggling to build new community after moving to a different state. She asks if she should reach out for closure and for tips on making friends as an adult.

Main Insights & Advice:

• Clarity on the Group Trip Fallout:
  Lyra gave her friend nine months' notice for a birthday trip, but her friend procrastinated, almost missing out on the hotel, and expected Lyra to offer her room despite a prior negative experience.

  • “It's my birthday. I got a nice little suite. ... I spent the money I saved.” (Lyra, 09:35)

• Unresolved Hurt and Communication Avoidance:
  Both parties have not reached out in almost a year—signaling mutual detachment or a friendship run its course.

  • “It’s almost like both of you came away from this trip thinking, yeah, I don’t really need to talk to her for a while. And then the while just kept going.” (Crystal, 10:32)

• Advice on Reaching Out:
  Crystal emphasizes letting go of ego and pride if closure feels necessary, suggesting a low-pressure DM or casual outreach.

  • “If it’s been on your spirit, Heavy, go on and reach out. ... Don’t let ego be the reason you don’t do it.” (Crystal, 13:57)

• Making Friends as an Adult:
  Crystal relates her own experience moving to New York and stresses intention, regularity, and using interests/hobbies as ways to meet people. She recommends book clubs, group activities, and even just getting to know locals.

  • “Making friends is kind of like in adulthood, it’s kind of like dating. You have to be super intentional and reach out and try over and over again.” (Crystal, 18:02)
  • “Even get to know the shopkeepers on your block or in your neighborhood, that sort of thing. But just get out and be more of a part of the environment.” (Crystal, 20:20)

Notable Quotes:

• “Sometimes we do outgrow friendships, and 30 is right around that age where you can start shedding some of the people that you knew when you were younger.” (Crystal, 10:32)
• “If you’re feeling it, it’s worth exploring that feeling. ... It doesn’t have to be like, this friendship is officially over.” (Crystal, 12:08)

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2. Boundaries with a Parent: Navigating ‘No Contact’ & Conditional Reconnection (Mariah, 22:19–43:12)

Background:
Mariah has been no-contact with her mother for over a year after years of repeated patterns and unsuccessful attempts to address hurtful family dynamics. Her mother, visiting from West Africa, wants to meet, but Mariah will only consider it with a neutral mental health professional present.

Main Insights & Advice:

• Enmeshed & Unchanged Communication Patterns:
  Mariah’s mother bypasses boundaries (even contacting Mariah’s husband), insists on her sacrifices, and doesn’t accept or understand Mariah’s need for distance.

  • “It was, it’s very emotionally exhausting to talk to someone who's continuously in victimhood. Right. And can't see their daughter's side.” (Mariah, 29:46)

• Boundary Setting as Self-Protection:
  Crystal praises Mariah’s strong boundary and validates her exhaustion, saying her conditions for meeting are reasonable and should not be compromised.

  • “You have to make sure that you can stand on how you say and be willing. Or what you say and be willing to advocate for yourself no matter what.” (Crystal, 39:48)

• Cultural Nuances:
  Mariah highlights the cultural expectations of West African mother-daughter relationships, explaining the pressure and guilt when she resists traditional obligations.

  • “This is where the West African mother daughter obligation thing comes... And I’m breaking that. And it’s extremely hard.” (Mariah, 37:51)

• Empathy Rebalanced:
  Crystal reminds Mariah that her empathy should first go to herself.

  • “So we just got to direct that empathy to you. You deserve it.” (Crystal, 41:03)

Notable Quotes:

• “My concern is that you’ll start to compromise away all the protections that you've built up for yourself… and you’re being hurt again and feeling like your emotions and your experience aren't what's valued.” (Crystal, 35:41)
• “Whatever you agree to, you’ve got to feel solid about it, and you’ve gotta make sure that you can stand on [it] and be willing to advocate for yourself no matter what.” (Crystal, 39:48)

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3. Family Economics & Parentification: Supporting a Parent Who Won’t Set Boundaries (Brittany, 43:28–62:35)

Background:
Brittany, oldest of five, is paying her mother for childcare. Multiple siblings also live at home but contribute little or nothing, leading to increased financial demands on Brittany while her mother continues supporting her other adult children, including financially draining expenditures.

Main Insights & Advice:

• Disproportionate Financial Burden:
  Brittany pays her mother around $1600–$2000/month (childcare, groceries, etc.), while her sister pays about $300 and others pay nothing—all while her mother supports them and their families.

  • “No wonder her money's not stretching as far as it used to. She got all these people in her house and nobody's paying for anything.” (Crystal, 47:04)

• Parentification & Broken Family Dynamics:
  Crystal identifies possible role confusion because Brittany's mother had her at 14 (“maybe she looks at you as more of, like, an equal as opposed to her child”), and notes the struggle of being both daughter and quasi-employer.

• Setting Limits:
  Crystal encourages Brittany to be clear and unyielding about what she can contribute, pointing out she cannot make her mother hold the other siblings/partners accountable.

  • “You can only say, this is what I can do. ... If that's not good enough, then my babies can go to daycare and you can go back to work and y’all can figure it out that way.” (Crystal, 56:11)
  • “All you can control is your purse.” (Crystal, 56:11)

• Guilt, Obligation, and Resentment:
  Crystal validates Brittany’s frustration: “We can’t let guilt get in the way of doing what’s best for us and our responsibilities. Your kids deserve your consideration above anybody else.” (Crystal, 62:22)

Notable Quotes:

• “Who has the kind of money to take care of your whole house and all the grown people in it in addition to their own home? Even if I had the money, I don’t want to take care of able bodied adults who could be doing it and simply aren’t.” (Crystal, 57:11)
• “I admire your restraint. ... It is truly admirable. But we can’t let guilt get in the way of doing what’s best for us and our responsibilities.” (Crystal, 62:22)

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Memorable Moments & Quotes

• On Growing Apart from Lifelong Friends:
  “Sometimes we do outgrow friendships, and 30 is right around that age...” (Crystal, 10:32)
• On Prioritizing Yourself:
  “We gotta find a way to get through it so that we stay in community with others, just like anything else.” (Crystal, 21:57)
• On Family Systems:
  “Sometimes these parents just got to get the fuck. Be for real for three seconds, girl.” (Crystal, 62:37)

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Important Timestamps

• Friendship Fallout and Making New Friends: 02:03–21:55
• No Contact with Parent & Setting Conditional Boundaries: 22:19–43:12
• Family Finances, Sibling Inequity, Parentification: 43:28–62:35

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Episode Tone

Candid, compassionate, and unflinchingly real, with a solid backbone of humor, clarity, and gentle accountability. Crystal is warm and affirming but never sugarcoats the truth, consistently empowering her callers to defend their boundaries and center their own well-being.

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For Listeners Who Haven't Heard the Episode

You’ll walk away from this episode with a clearer sense of:

• When and how to reach out for closure in a friendship
• What it looks like to uphold non-negotiable boundaries with family of origin
• How to protect yourself financially and emotionally when family dynamics aren’t fair
• That self-empathy is as critical as empathy for others, and that sometimes, letting go or standing firm is the most loving option for everyone involved

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If you’re navigating tricky relationships, this episode is a masterclass in honest, actionable boundary-setting—delivered with empathy and sly wit.

Transcript

[Caller 1]

Hey y'.

[Crystal]

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[Lyra]

Hi Crystal, My name is Lyra.

[Caller 1]

How are you today?

[Crystal]

Hi Lyra. I'm good. How are you?

[Lyra]

I'm doing all right. This is kind of crazy, but what's going on? So the reason I'm calling in, I Kind of want your advice on situation. That kind of happened last year. So my best friend and I, we've been basically been best friends for like 16, 17 years. We ghosted each other last year. So for reference, like, I'm 30. I've known her since I was 14 years old. We literally met at the school bus stop for ninth grade. So we've been friends for a long time. We had a bit of a back and forth last year in regards to my 30th birthday trip. It got semi squashed and she came on the trip, but, like, the trip was over, you know, like, after, like, a couple days after my birthday in September. So, like, by the time we had gotten home, that was kind of it. Like, I haven't spoken to. We haven't spoken to each other Since September of 2025, and neither of us have tried, so there's that. But it was. I moved to a new city and state last. It was in 2024, at the end of 2024. And so I've also really been struggling to, you know, find friends and community. And not having her to talk to over this last year has been kind of difficult. Not difficult enough for me to be like, hey, girl. But it has made me feel even more lonely, and I feel like I'm kind of missing my touchstone and someone who, like, kept me grounded. Even though, like, over the years, we definitely have had, like, moments where I thought, like, oh, are we growing apart? That type of thing. But I guess my question really is, should I reach out to her to have, like, a closure conversation? And as a person who, you know, picked up your life and moved to New York so many years ago, do you have any tips on, you know, building a strong, strong tribe and a, a good community, like, in a new city?

[Crystal]

Okay, well, so what happened on this group trip? Is it the group trip that made y' all fall out?

[Lyra]

It really wasn't the trip in and of itself. So basically, I, we.

[Crystal]

We.

[Lyra]

She wanted to. Basically, she basically had. I gave everybody. I told her in January that I wanted to go to Cabo. My birthday is, was in. It's in September. I'm a Virgo shout out to you, period. My birthday is in September. I told her in January of 2025 that I wanted to go to Cabo, stay in, all inclusive, do a bunch of stuff. Like, you know, I, I, I told her I gave her plenty of time, nine months of, of a notice. You know, so by the time that I was, you know, sending out, like, hotels that I wanted that I was, you know, going to book and, like, sending her, you know, flight details. Like, this is the flight that I'm

[Caller 1]

going to be on.

[Lyra]

Like, try to get all that done. Like, I sent her that information in May and July. She reached out to me, and he was just like, oh, by the. I went to go book the hotel, and it's sold out. Well, and basically, she. What I feel like she wanted me to do was to be like, oh, don't worry about it. Like, you can just share my room with me, since I had already booked it and everything. But I had also previously told her, I don't want to share a room with you because we did a trip in Vegas a couple years back, and I almost left her ass in Vegas because it was just not a dynamic of us sharing a room together.

[Crystal]

Yeah.

[Lyra]

So I was just like, you know, she was. It was the way she was just like, yeah, the hotel is sold out for the dates that were supposed to be there. Like, and then she didn't really have any. She basically wanted me to fix it. And basically she wanted me to say that, oh, yeah, no, it's fine. We'll just share my room and you have the money. That's how I felt. So. But I didn't say that any of that. I was just like, so what you gonna do, girl? Because she had already told me she

[Caller 1]

had booked a flight.

[Lyra]

So I was just like, so, what you gonna do? And so she basically got kind of upset with me. And then we didn't talk for, like, a couple days. And then she sent me, like, a soliloquy, a whole essay of how she felt. And basically like, that if I, you know, she didn't like that I was. Felt like I was ignoring her and not trying to help her figure it out or anything like that, but I was very much like, But I didn't put us in this mess. Like, yeah, I sent you. I made. I use Canva. I made a beautiful itinerary of all the things that, you know, we were gonna do. The hotel we're gonna stay at, all the things. So I felt like I did my part. So eventually, like, she ended up coming on the trip. The hotel is a hotel, so, you know, they have cancellations all the time. So she's able to, you know, get a room.

[Crystal]

Oh, nice.

[Lyra]

But I just kind of felt like after the trip, I had had it in my mind that we would discuss it, because I really feel like we didn't really. Because she had gotten the hotel, I feel like everything kind of got swept under the rug. But I was really kind of upset of how it was handled, because one of the things that kind of really pissed me off, like, sidebar. Is she basically said, like, on her 30th birthday, we went to Disney World because I thought that's what she wanted to do. But she said that she did that for me because I had never been to Disney World. But I'm like, that doesn't make sense, because if I wanted to go to Disney World, I could have gone to.

[Caller 1]

It's Florida.

[Lyra]

It ain't nowhere but four hours, you know, Like, I could get there. I've taken myself to Thailand by myself. You think I can't go to Florida?

[Crystal]

Did you. Did you ever say to her, wow, I wish I could go to Disneyland, like, for your 30th birthday? Like, did you?

[Lyra]

I never said that.

[Crystal]

Maybe not like that.

[Lyra]

But the main thing I said, only thing I've ever said about Florida in and of itself, was I was like, damn, When I was in Paris, I wish. I wish I would have went to, you know, Disneyland.

[Mariah]

Florida.

[Lyra]

Yes, Disneyland Paris. That's the main. That's the only thing I've ever really said. But she has gone to Disney World so many times, and I thought that she wanted to go because she didn't really plan anything for her 30th.

[Crystal]

Got you.

[Lyra]

So when she said that, I was really taken aback, and really, I was like, hold on now. You got the wrong person. And, you know, you got the wrong person.

[Crystal]

Yeah. Why would you base your birthday trip around something you thought I wanted to do? Like, and why wouldn't you? It's your birthday, girl. It's your 30th. And if you felt that, why wouldn't you talk to me about it? Like, that just seems kind of strange. Yeah.

[Lyra]

I felt that she was trying to use anything in her arsenal to make me feel bad.

[Crystal]

I see.

[Lyra]

But I just wasn't gonna feel bad because I had again told you what I wanted to do in January of 2025. So when July rolls around and you don't have anything together. And then she also tried to blame me. She was just kind of like, well, you know, I'm a procrastinator. I know that. That's why I told you when j.

[Crystal]

It sounds like the real issue is you were not willing to share your room. But that's. I'm sorry. That's just too damn bad. I'm also not sharing a room, especially. I mean, I will if push come to shove, but if we've shared a room before, and you got on my nerves to the point where I was like, oh, my God, I'm finna leave this. Like, then, no, girl, we cannot share a room again. No. You have to figure it out. Come up with the duckets. It's not happening.

[Lyra]

We made it a rule, like, in our rule that we would not share because of that incident in Vegas. We were like, you know what?

[Caller 1]

We won't.

[Mariah]

We will.

[Lyra]

We will stay in separate rooms, try to be on the same floor.

[Crystal]

Yeah.

[Lyra]

So, like, and we have gone other places since that trip to Vegas where we've done that, and we know that it works better for us. So I was just kind of like, it's my birthday.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Lyra]

I got a nice little suite. Like, I spent the money I saved. I, too, saved up for it.

[Crystal]

I know you did, girl. I know you did. Virgo. You're a Virgo. It's what we do. It's what we do. So y' all have not talked in, what, a year? This sounds crazy.

[Lyra]

Yeah, it's been almost a year.

[Crystal]

Oh, my God.

[Lyra]

So I know sometimes she'll watch my Instagram stories and stuff, but she still won't say, say anything. Like, I'm not on social media all the time, so I don't post all the time.

[Crystal]

Yeah.

[Lyra]

But when I do, and, you know, you check your story or whatever. I do see, like, she watches. But we literally haven't said anything to each other since, like, September 3rd.

[Crystal]

Oh, my goodness.

[Lyra]

So part of me is just like, should I be the one to just be like, hey, just, you know, I know it's been a while, but I don't. I feel called to do it. But I also kind of don't because I'm just kind of like, well, we're no longer friends. We're no longer longer friends. But that does hurt me because we have been in each other's lives for, like, what feels like our entire life.

[Crystal]

Right. Since you were really little girls. But, you know, sometimes we do outgrow friendships, and 30 is right around that age where you can start shedding some of the people that you knew when you were younger. So that's not completely surprising. Or, you know, that's not just so crazy that maybe this friendship has run its course. It's more that y' all have simply the feeling seems to be mutual, not just with the we haven't talked, but neither one of you has reached out. Almost like both of you came away from this trip thinking, yeah, I don't really need to talk to her for a while. And Then the while just kept going, and now we had almost a year without the two of you having a conversation.

[Lyra]

Yeah, I would agree to that.

[Crystal]

Okay, well, so what do you think would happen if you did reach out?

[Lyra]

I don't know. I kind of feel like she. I feel like she'd be receptive, but I think for me, it might be, like, a little of a pride thing, because it'd just be like, I've always told people, like, you'll miss me before I miss you. You know, but now I kind of feel like I'm going back on that because, like, dang, I do kind of miss you, but I don't know if I miss you enough to, like, bring you back into my life, because we do have. We have a lot of differences, and we have grown in a lot of different ways, and. Or I. I will say. No, I'll say we'll. I will say we have grown in a lot of different ways. So I don't necessarily feel like I need to. For us to be best friends again, but I just don't. I don't like leaving things unfinished. It feels very unfinished.

[Crystal]

Yes, I agree. It does feel unfinished. It's almost like you all could just have the conversation of, like, you know what, girl? It doesn't have to be like, this friendship is officially over. But, like, the. It's. It's the fact that you all have not talked about it at all. Like, you haven't talked about the trip or any feelings. Like, even now, you're like, well, I think maybe she was upset because I didn't offer my room. And, you know, then she brought up Disneyland for her 30th and all this. And it's like, maybe having the conversation can bring a little bit of clarity there. Maybe because it's been so many months, everybody can just kind of, like, really take a step back and look at the situation more objectively. Like, it also sounds like if you all aren't friends anymore, it's not because of this trip. It's because the friendship has genuinely run its course. Like, again, the fact that neither one of you have reached out to the other since September makes me feel like she's feeling the exact same way you are. That, like, you know, maybe this is just it, and it's all said and done at this point, so I can see how it might be awkward to reach out. I would encourage you to let go of this, well, you gonna miss me before I miss you? Type of. Cause that's usually just ego and pride. So, you know, and there's always. There's always a first time. So maybe. Maybe I did miss you first, or maybe I'm just the first one to say something. But if you're feeling it, it's worth exploring that feeling. And it's worth maybe reaching out. If it's something casual, like an Instagram DM or more formal, like an email or a phone call, you know, whatever feels right to just say, hey, girl, it's been a while. I just wanted to chat with you and, you know, just kind of check in and see how you've been doing that sort of thing. If that's on your heart to do, then I would say don't let ego be the reason you don't do it.

[Caller 1]

Okay.

[Crystal]

But, you know, yeah, Yeah, I was

[Lyra]

thinking about her heavy. Because I went back home two weeks ago, and she literally. She still lives with her mom in the same house, which is literally like four blocks from my house.

[Crystal]

Oh, my God.

[Lyra]

I was at my mom's house and I was just like, well, let me just ride down her street. And I was like, oh, your car is there. Should I knock on your door? I'm just like, nah, that's crazy.

[Crystal]

Well, I mean, not crazy. Probably not advised. But y'. All. But y' all have the kind of history there where it wouldn't be, like, just so out of pocket that you saw her car in the driveway and was like, let me, you know, just knock on the door, see if she's home and want to sit down and chit chat, even. I mean, it sounds like you all. You're right, you're in a different city now, which was the other part of your question about making new friends and having new community in a new place. So again with this other friend, I think if it's been on your spirit, Heavy, go on and reach out and, you know, worst she can do is not talk to you or talk to you and be like, yeah, I just really felt like that whole situation was fucked up and I don't want to be friends no more. Like, if that's the case, then so be it. And you can at least say, okay, well, we had the conversation and now we're clear on exactly what happened here. And, you know, it is what it is. But as far as making friends in a new city, what kind of. How do you spend your time outside of, like, are you working? Are you a student?

[Lyra]

So I work remotely. Okay. Kind of like the. Also the hard part. So I'm like, I spent a lot of time in, like, a house.

[Crystal]

Yep, yep, yep. Yep.

[Lyra]

So, like, I have. I mean, I do have. I feel like I have a solid two friends and a possible here. But one of them I do know. I. I've known for a while. Like, they. They moved here from my old city, so then they were just like, you live here?

[Mariah]

I was like, I live here.

[Lyra]

I was like. And then we just kind of, like, clicked up again.

[Crystal]

Yeah.

[Lyra]

But I have been trying, like, meetup groups and trying to go to, like, different events and stuff. I feel like I'm more of like, on the introvert. I'm like an introvert and extrovert, like, when I'm. Because I solo travel a lot. So, like, I have my extroverted side. Comes out when I'm just like, in just like a random place where I'm just like, you know what? I'm ready to be life at this party with these strangers and I'm never gonna see them again.

[Mariah]

Yeah.

[Lyra]

But when I'm home and I'm just like, well, I might see these people around or I want to, like, build a, you know, real good relationship and, like, have game nights and be a part of somebody's life. So I feel like I. It just feels awkward. And I feel like I'm realizing how hard it is to make new friends as an adult and, you know, how odd some people are. And I'm just. You're weird. So I've done it. Like, they even have like a. I've done like a speed friending event. Like, I've been trying, but it just doesn't seem like anything is connecting.

[Crystal]

Yeah, well, you know, it's millions and millions of people in this country, and so it may be that you just gotta keep trying. You know, if you're into going to a meetup to, you know, a meetup for your favorite team or. This is also something that if you had a traditional workplace, you probably would have met more friends through that. The friends that you do have, do they also have friends in the city? Can you kind of like. I made a lot of friends through my existing friends, but I also moved here already having friends, so my advice is a little different. Right. Cause I moved here with a friend group that was kind of already just built in and waiting for me. So I didn't have all of that adjustment. But I have also made friends over the years that I did not know when I first moved here. Mostly through mutuals. You know, we had a mutual friend, so I would tap into what's around now. But also when making friends is kind of like in adulthood, it's kind of like dating. You have to be super intentional and reach out and try over and over again. Like, I don't know if you read there was a op ed that somebody wrote about how she took dating so seriously because she really wanted to find a partner. And so she went out on dates three or four nights a week. And that, to me, sounds like, who has that kind of time?

[Mariah]

That's a lot, right?

[Crystal]

That is a lot. And I'm not saying you have to go out, you know, three times a week trying to make friends, but I would say do it regularly. And if you can go with somebody else, that's great. But it also sounds like you're a superstar by yourself. So, you know, if there's trivia nights that you're into. I'm thinking of things that I like to do. That's why I'm like, oh, football and puzzles, stuff like that. I always encourage people to really tap into your own interests and see where people are doing that in your city. Be open. You know, when you're trying to make friends, you gotta walk in, say hi, look people in the face. You know, you kind of gotta be open and jovial in that way to make friends. So it's not always the easiest thing to do. But yeah, I think that's probably my best advice for making friends in a new place.

[Lyra]

Okay, I appreciate that. I feel like I need to lean more into either getting a hobby or just lean into the hobbies that I already have and see if there's things similar that other people are doing in the city to that. Yeah, I mean, I like to read, so I was like, I'd be looking for, like, a book club.

[Crystal]

I was about to say book clubs all over the place.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Lyra]

I mean, I don't know if everybody want to read everything that I like to read because some people be like, oh, psychological horror. I'm just like, what the hell?

[Crystal]

Okay, Right now. Exactly. I'm not reading to be scared. Be for real.

[Lyra]

I'm trying to, like, be giddy and, you know, do my Kennedy Ryan thing, you know, like, I'm trying to put my feet together.

[Crystal]

Yeah, yeah, I get it.

[Lyra]

But it definitely helps a lot because I just feel like, you know, being in a. In a new city and you kind of only knowing, like, two people and, you know, when those two people are busy and it's just like, oh, well, loan again.

[Crystal]

I mean, I. I still in New York, go out and do things by myself all the time. Go to liberty games by myself, go to bars and restaurants. And events. I go to comedy clubs, stuff like that all the time by myself. It's just I can't let other people's schedules determine. I go out and live my life. You know, I love hanging out with my friends. I prefer to do it with friends, but if nobody's around and I want to go see a show or something, I'mma just go, you know, I got to get out here. And it sounds like maybe you just got to get out, get out of the house more regularly and just go be a part of your new city, your new community. I mean, it's the smallest things, even get to know the shopkeepers on your block or in your neighborhood, that sort of thing. But just get out and be more of a part of the environment.

[Caller 1]

Awesome.

[Lyra]

I would definitely be attempting to do that as. As it's hot as heck.

[Crystal]

Oh, yeah. It is very hot. So, you know, be mindful.

[Lyra]

Yes. Thank you so much, Crystal. And I'm such a fan. I've been listening to the read for, like, 10 years.

[Mariah]

Wow.

[Lyra]

My first live show was actually the Atlanta show, which was.

[Crystal]

Oh, Lord.

[Lyra]

You know, it was a time, I will say, I was just like, lord, that was an experience in and of itself. Yeah. But shout out to you my purple couch. And I appreciate you so much.

[Crystal]

Thank you so much, baby. I appreciate you for all of the support. Thank you for coming through to the show and for calling in today. Make sure you take care of yourself.

[Lyra]

I will.

[Crystal]

All right, babe.

[Lyra]

Bye.

[Crystal]

Oh, Lyra, that was delightful. She was so fun. Yes. Friendships are complicated and. Or can be at least complicated and messy, just like any other relationship dynamic. And we gotta find a way to get through it so that we stay in community with others, just like anything else. All right, who's up next? Okay. Hi. What's your name?

[Mariah]

Let's go by Mariah.

[Crystal]

Mariah. Hi, Mariah. What's going on?

[Mariah]

So I have been no contact with my mother for a little over a year. And this is after spending years trying to address issues within our relationship. And we've had countless conversations a lot over, like, the past four or five years about why I was pulling away. But nothing ever seem to actually change in our conversations. Well, in our interaction. So recently, she reached out through my husband because she's blocked on everything. Okay. And asked to meet. And she asked to meet with me in person this summer. And she is traveling overseas. So she's originally from West Africa.

[Crystal]

Got you.

[Mariah]

So since then, she's left me several long voice messages and text messages saying she doesn't understand Why I cut her off. And most of the messages focus on everything she sacrificed for me, how hurt she is, and how she just wants answers, and how she's confused. So after, after listening to them and reading the text messages, I realized. It made me realize that we're stuck in the same kind of communication patterns that have led me to go no contact in the first place. So the issue is, when I first agreed to meet with her, I wanted to give us, like, a real opportunity to have an honest conversation now, since she's traveling here. But after hearing the messages and just reflecting on, like, the history that we've had, I realized that I don't want to have that conversation unless we have a neutral mental health professional there to help facilitate it, because what I did in the past clearly is not as effective for her. So I honestly think that's the only way that we'll be able to have some kind of change or a chance or a chance for both of us to be at least heard instead of falling back into the same communication patterns and cycles we've we've been in for the past, like, four or five years. So the part that I'm struggling with is if she's unwilling to meet under those conditions, I'm not sure if I should even meet with her at all because I'm already hesitant to even have the conversation because I'm, I, I'm. I noticed that the pattern of communication has not changed. So, yeah, I'm on the fence with it, but there's a little part of me that still wants to see if this is going to do any different. So my question is, at what point does creating healthy conditions for a difficult family conversation become a boundary that shouldn't be compromised? And if the only way, if the only way I'd feel comfortable having this conversation is with the neutral mental health professional there, should I still meet with my mother? Should I have someone else come? Or is it okay to just accept that the conversation just may never happen, or I may not get the things that I would like from the interaction? Right.

[Crystal]

Well, tell me a little bit about how you came to cut her off in the first place. Did you have a conversation with her first, or was it like maybe years of stuff that just kind of built up and you finally got to a place where you were just ready to dip, and so you just stopped talking to her and blocked her?

[Mariah]

So it had actually, we had so many conversations. Phone call, text messages, voice messages. And this is actually the second time she's been blocked. Okay, gone, no contact. So this is not the first time either that we've had a hard time. And I came to this conclusion because I realized that she. There's a blockage and I don't. There's. There's a blockage there that I can't, I can't unblock because I feel like there's something else going on with her. And she also continues to choose her like her sisters and other family members, opinions and comfortability over our relationship. And she is the youngest daughter too, of a immigrant. Well, not even immigrant because she don't live here, but of a West African culture. She's a youngest daughter. So I feel like there. Other people's relationships have taken priority over ours.

[Crystal]

I see. And the. So it sounds like you have communicated to her many times how you feel or what is coming between you from your perspective to your mom. And nothing ever changes, you know, in like a significant or real way.

[Mariah]

No, other than her coming to see me. Because she. I feel like she's seeing this as a symbolic thing, like, oh my God, I'm making this huge trip to come see you. But even if you come see me or we talk on the phone, nothing has changed. Yeah. Right.

[Crystal]

Right. So what do you think is going on here? Do you think your mother is just kind of grasping at straws? Cause she realizes, oh, my goodness, my daughter has not replied to me in a year, like, I need to do whatever I can to try to get her to talk to me again? Or do you think that she's in a place where she kind of realizes that she's been prioritizing other people and other relationships over you and she wants, you. Wants to talk about that and, and remedy it?

[Mariah]

I think it's the first, the first one.

[Crystal]

Okay.

[Mariah]

I definitely feel like she's grasping right now. I also think there's. This is all speculation because we have yet to have a, a better in depth conversation. But I feel like it's. There's some pride and some shame because if somebody asks her, hey, how's your daughter doing? She would have, well, not have to, but it will be complicated because she doesn't wanna. She wouldn't want to reveal that her daughter, her only daughter, is not talking to her.

[Crystal]

Right, right. A lot of people have shame around their children not speaking to them. And so they make something up or lie about it or, you know, they skirt the issue however they can because it is difficult for them to say, oh, well, actually my child isn't speaking to me right now. And even with what you said about like, mom trying to get in touch with your husband and saying that she doesn't understand why you aren't speaking to her anymore. That kind of is like, are you sure? Are you sure about that? Have you been told, like, do you really not understand or do you not accept it?

[Mariah]

Yeah, I think she, she's having a hard time accepting it.

[Caller 1]

And

[Mariah]

I'm not sure however else way to get through her this, that, that's why no contact just seemed like it made the most sense because it was, it's very emotionally exhausting to talk to someone who's continuously in victimhood. Right. And can't see their daughter's side. And I, I, I've been like a, you know, I've been a good quote unquote good daughter, the quote unquote golden child. Did everything I was supposed to do, but as soon as I bring up the fact that I was unhappy with something that she and other family members did, now, oh my God, this is, oh, it's the end of the world and disrespect and I'm ungrateful and. Yeah.

[Crystal]

Okay, so what would be the positives or the upside out of agreeing to meet with your mom? And I think the idea of like a therapist or a family mediator is a great one. And there actually are lots of therapists who will come in and do, especially marriage and family therapists. They will do single session consultations like this. They'll do family mediation for disagreements. Something where they understand the two of you are not gonna be coming on a long term basis, that you're just coming to have this one conversation. So that is probably something that you can find and I think it's an excellent idea. But what, what would be the, the upside to sitting down and meeting with your mom in this way?

[Mariah]

Um, I feel like it's more so for her than me.

[Crystal]

Yeah.

[Mariah]

So I think the upside would be to just find, to, I mean, on the positive side, to be quite honest, I hadn't seen her like over 10 years.

[Crystal]

Oh, yeah.

[Mariah]

So that, that's a positive, but it would be just to get a better confirmation of where we are and where she's truly at. Because I don't even have, I can't even say, hey, what do I want out of this? I think the main thing I want out of this is just to know how to move forward. And like, do I need to block her again? Or like, is she willing to meet me halfway? I'm absolutely more than happy to meet her halfway, but that I'm depleted at this Point.

[Crystal]

Yep. And that makes complete sense. Like when you have tried and tried and tried and you finally get to the point of, like, you know what? Like, you've even done the no contact thing before. You have tried multiple times to make this work with your mom. You're still at a place where you feel like what's best for you is for the two of you to not be in contact. So compromising by saying, okay, we can have a conversation as long as there's a licensed therapist in the room, you know, to mediate and to make sure this doesn't go off the rails. I think that is extremely fair, considering you don't even really wanna do it anyway. I mean. But how do you think your mother would react if you said. If you sent a message through your husband that basically said, you know, Mariah will meet with you, but only under these conditions?

[Mariah]

I do have a little bit of update. I did unblock her. So we are talking directly.

[Crystal]

Oh, you are? Okay.

[Mariah]

Reluctantly.

[Crystal]

See? Ooh, she's getting back in there. She's getting in.

[Mariah]

I know, because I didn't want to unblock her because she felt like she couldn't logistically plan for things unless she spoke with me directly.

[Crystal]

Oh, Lord.

[Mariah]

And that's just not. That's just not true. But right her. She wants certain things to be done in a way that she feels comfortable. So she knows that I'm for sure coming. But a lot has happened. To be quite honest, a lot happens since I sent this message. And I don't know, I'm just exhausted.

[Crystal]

Yeah.

[Mariah]

I just want to get it over with.

[Crystal]

Yeah. Oh, God, this is so real. Because you're right. If she really wants to come to America, don't let me be the reason that you making a visit to America. If your visit is wrapped around me, then you come in here for the wrong reasons. Because I'm only here or I'm only willing to even be a part of your trip to the States under very specific conditions. So, no, you did not have to talk to me directly to coordinate your trip. If you were gonna come on a trip, then, you know, your itinerary is up to you. But this is. I mean, it's so hard to hold strong with parents probably more than anybody else, because they are our parents. We are hardwired. We are biologically wired to want them and to want them to want us. So I think you gotta really be clear, Mariah, on what you're willing to tolerate here. Cause she's already kinda elbowed her way back in. She Got you to unblock her. And now y' all are having this one on one conversation. So if you say, okay, but only if we can do it with a therapist and she's pushing back on it and, oh, we don't have to do that, or let your husband do it, let your cousin do it, such and such and such. Like, I. My concern is that you'll start to compromise away all the things, all the protections that you've built up for yourself to the point where your mom is right back in the position she's been in before and you're being hurt again and feeling like how your emotions and your experience aren't what's valued or prioritized or important here.

[Mariah]

Yes. And I agree. And can I give you a little bit more context?

[Crystal]

Of course, of course.

[Mariah]

So since I haven't hadn't blocked her, she. Sorry, I'm losing my train of thought.

[Caller 1]

She.

[Mariah]

We. I've actually spoken to my therapist.

[Crystal]

Okay.

[Mariah]

And my therapist has agreed to it. And she did say that she would agree to it. However, since this is the first time I'm meeting my mother in so many years, she would prefer me meet with my mother first and then, like, if we have a second meeting, then I can meet with her. Only because she doesn't want that, a therapy session to be the first time that she's, like, meeting with her daughter for four years. I mean, that's understandable. And I'm like, okay, that's fair. But, yeah. So that's where we're at right now. And just to give, just to let you know, because you mentioned about the travel. She actually didn't come here for me, but she made it seem like she came here for me, which is another thing.

[Crystal]

Interesting.

[Lyra]

Appreciate.

[Crystal]

Okay.

[Mariah]

And that was. That actually goes back to one of the reasons why I'm so frustrated with her is I get it, like, you're here for other things, medical things, whatever, and other family members. But that's also, like, the problem. Yeah, that's the problem. I'm your. You always say, I'm your only daughter. I'm always reminded, I'm your mother. I'm your mother. But I'm like, yo, I'm your only daughter. So. Right. You're still not prioritizing me. Like, even if, say, she did come here and only for me, I think I would have been more willing to meet her halfway if I knew, like, this was like, the sole thing. Because I'm also not accommodating her. Oh, she has asked me to pay for her trip. Oh, Lord, other things. And I'm just like, first of all,

[Crystal]

absolutely, you were blocked. Right, Right.

[Mariah]

I don't know why we're asking. But then this is where the West African mother daughter obligation thing comes, so.

[Crystal]

Yep.

[Mariah]

And I'm breaking that. And it's extremely hard.

[Crystal]

It is, it is. And I think that may be what is most important here, is just acknowledging how hard this is for you. Like, it is. You're. You're doing something that most people don't work up the courage to do. It's extremely difficult to hold your parents accountable in this way. And you're going up against culture, cultural expectations for, you know, how a daughter is supposed to behave, especially in relation to her mother and all this. So, like, you're really going up against a lot here. So I understand completely. When you say you are exhausted, I believe you, because this is a lot. This is really a lot. My. Again, my concern for you is that you're gonna get swept up in your mother's tactics and end up losing yourself. And I understand the pull here. You haven't seen her in a decade. You haven't spoken to her in a year. It is hard to say, no, I'm not gonna come see you, or, no, I'm not gonna talk to you under those circumstances. Again, this is your mom. But I think we've gotta. Whatever you agree to, you've got to feel solid about it, and you've gotta make sure that you can stand on how you say and be willing. Or what you say and be willing to advocate for yourself no matter what. And so if that means you and your husband get together and y' all come up with a game plan of, like, how are we gonna handle this visit with my mom? Is it gonna be, you know, maybe the three of us sit and talk first, and then we schedule something with my therapist, or am I gonna skip straight to a mediator, you know, an outside third party that I've never even met, you know, type person, like, come up with some sort of game plan and tap into the people know, love and support you no matter what decision you want to make here. Because, again, I see the emotional pull here. I know how hard it is to be faced with this sort of dilemma. I just also don't want you to end up losing the. The peace and the progress that you fought so hard for, because you didn't get there overnight, and you didn't get there by luck. It's something that you worked for. So that's really my main concern here. But whatever you decide to Do. Just be sure you can advocate for yourself in that decision.

[Mariah]

Well, I really appreciate it. And my therapist has already told me, hey, make sure you have your boundaries.

[Crystal]

Exactly.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Mariah]

And she was like, just. Cause she's. Because she's already impeding on your boundaries.

[Crystal]

Yep.

[Mariah]

So she was like, yep.

[Crystal]

That's a. That's a big warning sign, the fact that you've unblocked her. Yep.

[Mariah]

Yeah. I was so reluctant. Like, I really was not trying to unblock her.

[Crystal]

I know.

[Mariah]

And I'm fully ready to block her again after this on the Pulse. But I'm a highly empathetic person, so.

[Crystal]

Yep. And so we just got to direct that empathy to you. You deserve it. You deserve the empathy.

[Lyra]

Thank you.

[Crystal]

We can have empathy for your mom, but we need to have it for you first.

[Mariah]

Yeah, I agree.

[Crystal]

Because who else is gonna do it?

[Mariah]

Ain't nobody else about to do that but me.

[Crystal]

She not gonna do it.

[Mariah]

Yeah.

[Crystal]

It has to be you. You have. You deserve it. First and foremost. And I'm in that same season right now of my own life, directing the energy that I have given to other people and things and ideas and whatever else, turning that towards me because I deserve. I need. And not just deserve it. I need that attention and care.

[Mariah]

I agree. Yep.

[Crystal]

Oh, good luck, Mariah. This is a hard one, but I'm rooting for you.

[Mariah]

Thank you so much. And I appreciate Crystal's cap. And I'm gonna go ahead and just also say that I am very proud of you.

[Crystal]

Oh, thank you.

[Mariah]

And everything that you have accomplished and the schooling that you did to even create Crystal's couch and do this. As a fellow Virgo, I resonate.

[Crystal]

And I see.

[Mariah]

I do see myself in you. And I also want to say that you have also contributed to inspire me to, like, I eventually do wanna go back to school and get my social work degree. Now I don't know if I'm gonna be a therapist because I read. I've done my research.

[Crystal]

So real.

[Mariah]

It's a lot of work.

[Crystal]

It is, girl.

[Mariah]

But I really just want to give you your flowers while we're on here. And I'm an avid listener and been for the past 10 years.

[Crystal]

Thank you so much. I really do appreciate it. And look, therapy and social work go hand in hand, so. Social work is also hard, but it's so rewarding. And getting feedback like this from somebody is really priceless.

[Lyra]

Like.

[Crystal]

Like, it's just nothing better than to know that you've actually made a positive impact in somebody's life and you've Helped them, you know, figure things out in some way. So thank you so much, Mariah. That really means a lot.

[Mariah]

Thank you so much, Kristen.

[Crystal]

Thank you, babe.

[Mariah]

Have a great day.

[Crystal]

Thank you. Take care.

[Mariah]

You, too.

[Crystal]

Bye. Oh, Mariah was such a sweetheart. And, you know, parents, man. All right, I think we got time for one more. Who is our last caller?

[Caller 1]

This is Brittany. Hi, Crystal.

[Crystal]

Hi, Brittany. What's going on?

[Caller 1]

All right, so I am the oldest of five. My mom was a young mom, and out of the five, four of us are grown. And so a couple years ago, my mom expressed that she was having some issues with work and she wanted to change up, up her environment. And I was having my second born at the time.

[Crystal]

Okay.

[Caller 1]

So we agreed for her to stay home with my little one and I would pay her for it. That worked out fine. And then my sister is now having her second child, and she also moved back home with my mother along with her fiance.

[Mariah]

Okay.

[Caller 1]

And now my mom's saying she's having some financial difficulties. So. Okay, not a problem. We sit down, we talk. But she expressed that she needed more money from me particularly. And I just kind of, like, talked to her. And I was like, hey, why is that me and your agreement has been working. What is it that you need from me that's any different?

[Crystal]

Right.

[Caller 1]

She was just like, well, you know, it's harder now. I just have more responsibilities. I need more money. So I kind of inquired, not trying to get my sister's business, but I'm like, so what is she doing now that she's here with her fiance girl?

[Crystal]

Because that was going to be my question.

[Caller 1]

And come to find out, my sister is not really contributing at all. My mother also watches her older son. She's now living there. She has a fiance. And so I was like, that kind of feels unfair to me. You know, me and you have been dealing with this. It's been fine. Why is it that you require more of me, me and not of her?

[Crystal]

Yeah.

[Caller 1]

So she said she talked to my sister, and my sister expressed that she had credit card debt and she's trying to get a house and basically she just couldn't afford to give her more money. And I'm like, okay, that's their business. But again, we had no issues here. So why is it easier for you to demand it from one and not the other?

[Mariah]

Right.

[Caller 1]

And this has been kind of the ongoing situation with me and my siblings because I have another sister that lives there as well that is also grown, that's not paying anything at all.

[Crystal]

Okay. Does does the first sister's fiance contribute? Like, what. What's going on?

[Caller 1]

So when my sister originally moved in, he wasn't there at first. He was actually away on training because he's in the military.

[Crystal]

Okay, okay.

[Caller 1]

So when he came, my mother explained to them that. That you both have to. In, you know, put in the household. You have to contribute to the household. But again, they gave this reason. He has a daughter and he's contributing there. And there was all these other excuses on why it's a hard time helping out the household. And so then the even more frustrating part comes. My sister's baby child was just this past weekend. And my mother expresses she spent $2,000 to help them with their baby shower.

[Crystal]

Sorry, that was rude.

[Caller 1]

I mean, no, it's the same question I had.

[Crystal]

Okay, okay.

[Caller 1]

And I'm like. But you just expressed that you're having financial difficulties. And even outside me paying her the bi weekly pay that I give her for my daughter, I help her with groceries, I help her with car maintenance, I help her whatever she needs.

[Crystal]

Oh, Lord.

[Caller 1]

So roughly, I'm giving around 1600, five more a month while my sister is playing Close to 300.

[Crystal]

Okay. Oh, well, no wonder her money's not stretching as far as it used to. She got all these people in her house and nobody's paying for anything.

[Caller 1]

Exactly. And I tried to. Go ahead. I'm sorry.

[Crystal]

Well, no, I was just gonna say everybody's excuses for not contributing are just life reasons. Like, you have credit card debt, so does every other American. You wanna buy a house, so does everybody else. Like, you got another kid to take care of. Well, yeah, everybody has. These are regular life things. That doesn't mean that you don't still have to take care of where you live. Y' all don't. This isn't free housing. It's not free utilities. Like, there's a cost associated with these things.

[Caller 1]

Absolutely. So I'm currently having my third.

[Crystal]

Oh.

[Caller 1]

So my mom is kind of like, well, when the new baby gets here, you'll have to pay more money anyway. And I'm like, yeah, yes, I understand that. However, I'm still not responsible for your household income.

[Crystal]

Right.

[Caller 1]

Because that's their individual problems.

[Mariah]

Right.

[Caller 1]

So I guess when I tried to come to her and talk to her, she was very defensive. Like I said, she's. You know, my mom had me at 14, so she's still young.

[Crystal]

Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, your mama probably younger than me.

[Caller 1]

Probably.

[Crystal]

No shade. No shade. I don't know why I said that.

[Caller 1]

It's okay. So it's kind of hard negotiating conversations with her. She can be very passive and she can, you know, deflect a lot. I think that when it comes to my sister, she's always made the excuse that she was her only parent growing up. And so she protects her a little bit more. And there's a lack of protection for all of us.

[Crystal]

Okay.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Crystal]

Okay. Well, the context about your mother having you at the age of 14 actually does help me understand a little bit here, because I was wondering the sort of thought process behind why she seems to be so willing to ask you for money and is letting your other siblings slide. But it may be that because you're the firstborn and y' all kind of grew up together, maybe she looks as you as more of like an equal as opposed to her child, but you are very much so still her child. And. And I mean, I'm not trying to project any sort of experiences onto you, but hearing her say something like, oh, well, I need to protect, you know, such and such. Cause I was her only parent growing up. It's just like, okay, well, you my parent, too. Like, what you mean, like. And I'm having this. I'm pregnant with my third. Like, you want me to come up off of so much more money to cover the fact that, like, nobody else in your house is working or not even working, but contributing. Like. Like, would she rather you put the kids in. In daycare somewhere? Is that an option?

[Caller 1]

Well, that was the. That was kind of my question because I was saying I went to her and I was like, hey, if we're going to make this uncomfortable, because that's what it's getting to.

[Crystal]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Caller 1]

I may have to put my children in daycare. You might have to go back to work.

[Crystal]

Yeah. Oh, right, right, right.

[Caller 1]

And I don't want to do that because I know that you stopped working for your mental health. Health reasons because she was in child care. That's why I'm so comfortable with her holding on to my.

[Crystal]

Makes sense.

[Caller 1]

And. But I can't pay all your bills. We already made that agreement when we started this, and it was fine. But I don't want to take an income away from her because I know if I put my children right, then that puts her in a compromising situation, then I feel like it'll be, well, you. You made my situation this way. Because she does that a lot of times when decisions. I have to make tough decisions because again, she does see me as her equal a lot. And it's like it becomes shift bling. And I'm like, that's not fair to me.

[Crystal]

Right.

[Caller 1]

You know.

[Crystal]

Right. And I wouldn't be surprised if it's kind of hard for you to stand on business, so to say, when it comes to your mom. Cause it is for a lot of us. And you have this extra layer of being your mother's employer, you know, so to speak. And so nobody wants to be like, oh, I'm gonna be the one to pull the rug out from underneath my mom and, you know, take away her only source of income. And so now it's a bunch of grown people in a house with no way to pay the bills or anything either. But. So you have that side of things. But also, you are now a mother yourself. You have a family of your own. You have your own children who deserve to be prioritized and cared for. And so you cannot. It sounds like, you know, if you had Oprah money, it would be no issue to, you know, maybe slide enough to your mom to where? Or to your other family members to where it wouldn't matter. But who has the budget to take care of their own household and somebody else's. Right. It's just. It's not. It's not feasible, and it's not realistic or rational. So what do you think is going to. I assume that when you give birth to the third baby, she's probably gonna take on that, watching over the third child as well. That's the plan for now.

[Caller 1]

That is the plan for now. I have three months to go, so I'm definitely trying to solidify if I'm gonna continue or if I'm gonna make other arrangements. And just like you said, I have. If it's in my will to take care of her, I've made it clear that I am. But the issue with that was because I gave her that option. Like, hey, you can move with me. I'll take care of everything. You know, you can have your own situation. Me and one of my other sisters are trying to buy a house, and we gave her that option. The issue is, is that she also has a husband who doesn't.

[Crystal]

Okay, girl. All right, I'm going to hang up.

[Lyra]

Sorry.

[Caller 1]

What?

[Crystal]

You just made it clear that if

[Caller 1]

you do this, you cannot bring him with you.

[Mariah]

Okay. Yeah.

[Caller 1]

I mean, again, we're not taking care of a grown man.

[Crystal]

We're not taking care of you.

[Caller 1]

It's something different.

[Crystal]

Okay. Yeah. Okay. Well, how comfortable are you with saying, look, I can handle 1600, 1800, $2,000 a month, like, whatever number is feasible for her? To watch your kids and the other stuff that you do, whatever you can real, excuse me, realistically afford. And that is all I have.

[Mariah]

I.

[Crystal]

There is no additional money. Like the economy is in hell right now. It's $10 for a three pound bag of beans, girl. I don't have more than this dollar amount. And so if this is not enough to take care of your household, which doesn't sound like it is, and it wouldn't be for most people, then we're going to have to tap into the other four or five adults living there to take to, to fill in the gap. Like, how comfortable are you with kind of saying that and really meaning it and, and, and sticking behind it?

[Caller 1]

I'm pretty comfortable with it. I mean, when we tried to have the financial conversation, my sister actually did walk in and inquired about what we're talking about. And I plainly said the finances that you don't contribute to, period. The finances that you need to help out with more. But the issue isn't that it's not being said. The issue is that my mother does not follow through.

[Crystal]

Right, right.

[Caller 1]

You know, because yeah, she's so comfortable.

[Crystal]

Right.

[Caller 1]

I don't even know what she's comfortable

[Crystal]

doing at this point, but, well, she's comfortable asking you. She's comfortable coming to you. Even if you've said, look, this is all I got, she's still going to ask. So I think I would get even more comfortable being like, no. I said no. The answer's still no. You got a bunch of other grown people in your house. I suggest you go to them. Like, you kinda gotta, it sounds like you kinda gotta turn into a broken record about the no. But also it feels like maybe you have some resentment or some other sort of unsavory emotion towards your mom and maybe your sisters because your mother is holding you to a level of, or expecting a level of support and adulthood that she isn't expecting from her other children. And that, you know, that's understandable if you're like, why are you coming to me to take care of, of all this stuff when other people like these are just whether they delicate, pretty princesses who can't be bothered to actually contribute to their household, why me and not them? Those are valid feelings to have. It's just important to understand that you can't make your mom hold your sisters accountable. You can't make her force them to grow up if she's willing to let them stay in her house for free and not push them to contribute to the bills. You can't do anything about that. All you can control is your purse.

[Caller 1]

Yes.

[Crystal]

All you got is what you are willing to do, what you are willing to give. You can't be like, mama, you gotta do this and this or I'll help you out more this time. But you gotta make sure that such and such as fiance come through or your husband gotta do this. You can't force her to hold anybody else accountable. You can only say, this is what I can do. This is what I am willing to work with as far as this arrangement is concerned. If that's not good enough, then my babies can go to daycare and you can go back to work and y' all can figure it out that way. But like this is it. This is all I have to give. I suggest you treat your other adult children the way you treat me. You know, say that however it feels, you know, appropriate to say. I'm not saying go in there with an attitude of cussing your mama out, but making it clear that like this is be for real. Who has the kind of money to take care of your whole house and all the grown people in it in addition to their own home? Even if I had the money, I don't want to take care of able bodied adults who could be doing it and simply aren't.

[Caller 1]

Exactly.

[Crystal]

So I think it's. I mean you obviously don't want to snatch away this source of income from your mother but. But somebody has to put you first. And it doesn't sound like that's going to be anybody but you.

[Caller 1]

Yeah, like you said, it is difficult because you know, I guess, you know, I feel some level of obligation.

[Crystal]

Of course she's your mother happier, you

[Caller 1]

know, she think happier being home. And there are multiple reasons for her to do it other than just watching the baby.

[Crystal]

Right.

[Caller 1]

But again, I'm just like, you know, when we have these conversations with my sister and she just kind of like walks away in the middle of the conversation, it's like you just going to allow her to just leave? You don't want to.

[Crystal]

Yeah.

[Mariah]

Yeah.

[Caller 1]

And yet you're sitting here pulling out a calculator. I mean legitimately, like Meda pulled out a calculator. No saying, well this is what you would pay if you were taking them to a center. And I'm like, yeah, a center where they would have a schedule of routine

[Crystal]

cuz right meals and like they're following like a development plan and the kids have less. Like there's stuff being done. Like yes, it was supposed to be a win win for everybody. I Save a little money on childcare. You get to stay home and not deal with the workplace like it was supposed to be a win win for everybody. But you gotta be for real. You gotta be for real, mama. I'm supposed to tap myself and bleed myself dry when it is a plethora of adults in your home who simply don't wanna. Girl, no, no, I'm an adult. I'm a mother. I have my own children to prioritize and care for and I. I cannot take care of everybody else. Because you don't want to put your foot down with them. No.

[Caller 1]

Well, thank you. I definitely have to have some tough conversations, but, like, it's not necessary.

[Crystal]

It's hard. I talked to somebody else earlier who's dealing with stuff with their mother and, you know, having the same sort of, like, it's not as simple as, you know, just saying these things because these things are, you know, it's like, sure, I know this intellectually, but my feelings are torn because this is my mama. Of course I don't want to talk to my mama like that. Of course I don't want to put her in that position. But. But look at the options you're being presented with. What are you really supposed to do? Your first obligation is to do what's best for your kids. What's best for your kids is a mother who is at her best. So what is going to give you the support that you need and deserve in this life? Like asking me to take care of a bunch of other grown people? That would just piss me off. It really would. Girl, I don't know how you ain't cussed out your sisters. Oh, it would be something terrible. Not to mention them grown men, child. Oh, we. It would be stank. Y' all do not want me.

[Caller 1]

I mean, when it comes to the fiance, we, you know, me and my mother's husband have been. We've. We've never had a great relationship ever.

[Crystal]

Gotcha.

[Caller 1]

But when it comes to my sister, fiance, like, we're not on speaking terms because I'm like, you know, I don't even know how you felt comfortable coming in.

[Lyra]

Girl, A girl.

[Crystal]

Girl, this is what I'm saying. I'm not going in nobody's house as an adult and just freeloading. Like, I would not even feel comfortable sleeping at night knowing that I could be contributing to the household. And I'm not doing it. I don't understand people like that. I really do not. Yeah, I don't live like that.

[Caller 1]

My sister acts very entitled, you know, and like you said, it's hard to keep my mouth closed because it's her house, and I don't want to disrespect her house at the end of the day, Like I said this. Yeah. It's your responsibility to set the tone. So when you tell me things like, the last time my sister was here, she saves $40,000 while you struggled to pay bills.

[Crystal]

40,000 doll hairs.

[Mariah]

All right?

[Crystal]

Everybody needs to be realistic. Oh, but I have credit card debt, and I want to buy a house. Who don't. Hold on now.

[Caller 1]

What can say that? And it's just like, oh, well, that was just a thing. And I'm like, yeah, so if she did it once, she'll do it again.

[Crystal]

Right.

[Caller 1]

Meaning she's in your house not paying bills, because she's sailing to just up and move.

[Crystal]

Yes.

[Caller 1]

You're just allowing it to happen.

[Mariah]

Right.

[Caller 1]

But yet you want me to help you out,

[Lyra]

girl.

[Crystal]

Yeah, I. I think you have. I. I think I've given you as much insight or guidance as I possibly. And let me just also say I admire your restraint. Cause I probably would have said something that would still have my sister mad at me to this very day under these exact same circumstances. So I applaud you for your patience in this situation. It is truly admirable. But, you know, we can't let guilt get in the way of doing what's best for us and our responsibilities. Your kids deserve. You know, they deserve your consideration above anybody else.

[Caller 1]

Yes. Well, I thank you so much.

[Crystal]

You are welcome. Take care.

[Caller 1]

Thank you.

[Crystal]

Bye.

[Caller 1]

Bye.

[Crystal]

All right, y'. All. As we wrap up this week's episode of Chrysalis Couch, the family dynamics are a big part of things, as usual. And, you know, I. I'm always with any situation you all bring to me. I'm going to try to approach it as objectively and as fairly as possible. But sometimes these parents just got to get the fuck. Be for real for three seconds, girl. Oh. All right. Again, that is going to wrap up this week's episode of Chrisalas Couch. If you'd like to chat live with me, or if you want to send in a letter to be answered on the show, please send me an email. Adviceryslescouch.com you can follow us on social media hystaliscouch. And thank you so much for tuning in. We'll see you next week.