Session 6

Summary

Crissle’s Couch – Session 6
Podcast: Crissle’s Couch
Host: Cake Media
Date: December 16, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this vibrant episode of “Crissle’s Couch,” host Krystal is joined by her close friend Lauren Miller (“Lo”), a dancer, interdisciplinary artist, model, and nonprofit founder dedicated to wellness and community for women of color. Together, they dive into listener letters, offering signature straight talk, humor, and soulful advice across topics like marriage intimacy issues, post-grad social anxiety, complicated family betrayals, boundaries, and ending stale friendships. The episode is warm, funny, and consistently honest, reflecting Crissle's brand of equal parts compassion and no-nonsense realism.

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Meet the Guest: Lauren Miller (00:21 – 01:24)

• Lauren introduces herself as a “fake Crystal,” referencing previous stand-in work, and shares her background in the arts and her work founding a nonprofit for women of color focused on community, wellness, and the arts.
• “My heart is full.” – Lauren Miller, (00:33)
• Krystal applauds Lauren’s dedication: “It’s not only great to be an artist, but it’s also great to help the community. And, you know, Crystal, that’s what you do.” – Lauren Miller, (01:26)

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Listener Letters & Advice

1. Marriage Intimacy Woes – Letter from Erica (01:43 – 14:11)

Summary:
Erica, a physician married to an attorney, writes about her wife's declining interest in intimacy, feelings of rejection, and the emotional distance growing between them. She's planning for counseling but needs advice in the meantime.

Key Discussion Points:

• Krystal affirms ebb and flow in long-term relationships: “The honeymoon phase… It is kind of natural for sex to drop off after a certain amount of time.” (04:05)
• Lauren raises possibility of trauma or life change: “Did something happen one and a half years ago?” (04:33)
• Diagnosing the dynamic: Krystal suggests before assuming infidelity, check for factors like stress, medical issues, mental health, or mismatched libido.
• The impact of rejection on affection:
  • Krystal: “You would quite normally and naturally feel very rejected… the very first thought that most of us have [is] ‘oh, you don’t want me.’” (07:11)
  • Lauren: “I’m not gonna throw myself at you.” (07:17)
• The importance of maintaining other forms of intimacy:
  • “Increase other forms of intimacy. Snuggle more, cuddle more… Even doing sexual things without having sex… scheduling sex, which… can be so sexy.” – Krystal, (07:44, 08:47)
  • Scheduling can keep things “sexy and anticipated.” – Lauren, (08:47)

Notable Moment:

• On mismatched libido and striving not to internalize rejections: “It could just be that you are mismatched in libido… It’s not gender or orientation-based.” – Krystal, (09:49)

Advice Wrap-Up:

• Confirm practical and psychological root causes before therapy.
• Try non-sexual intimacy and novel experiences.
• See a sex and intimacy therapist if self-help doesn’t resolve.
• “Every single couple had something to do with sex… sex discrepancy… You are not alone.” – Krystal, (14:01)

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2. Post-Grad Social Life Anxiety – Letter from Pam (14:11 – 24:39)

Summary:
Pam, a recent master’s grad, feels adrift re-entering social life, facing dusty friendships, social awkwardness, and the “comparison game” seeing friends with families and homes.

Key Discussion Points:

• Krystal congratulates Pam and normalizes the post-grad adjustment struggle.
• Advice for reconnecting: “Time to find the pledge, restrengthen those family bonds, download a dating app… be proactive in re-involving yourself.” – Krystal, (16:01)
• Lauren notes real friends will want to celebrate Pam’s accomplishment upon her return.
• On social anxiety:
  • Krystal: “Try to challenge those [negative] thoughts… Take note of how you feel… feelings are just little pieces of information.” (19:15)
  • Lauren: “Why don’t you just walk in the bar and say, you know what? I look so good that nobody wants to talk to me. They’re intimidated.” (21:04)
  • Krystal endorses “overcorrection” as a reframe.
• On resources: Recommends helpguide.org and seeking therapy if anxiety is crippling.

Notable Quotes:

• “You’re not just completely repulsive to the whole planet.… If Mark Zuckerberg can get a wife, you can have a family!” – Krystal and Lauren, (22:05)

Advice Wrap-Up:

• Nurture old connections, reach out even if it feels awkward.
• Challenge anxious, self-critical thoughts.
• Consider therapy for persistent social anxiety.
• “You can nurture the connections you have and even find some new ones once you’re able to get past that little voice in your head that’s tearing you down.” – Krystal, (24:12)

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3. Betrayed By My Dad – Letter from Mackenzie (24:39 – 35:13)

Summary:
Mackenzie has repeatedly been at the epicenter of her father’s infidelities, most recently having to confront him and witness the fallout. Her relationship with him is frayed, and an unsympathetic therapist told her she “shouldn’t be impacted.”

Key Discussion Points:

• Krystal is appalled by the therapist’s attack: “I really don’t understand why your therapist would say… that doesn’t make sense. That’s really absurd.” (25:57)
• Both agree Mackenzie needs to directly address her father, emphasizing the right to her own feelings.
• Lauren notes parents as “messed up people,” not figures on a pedestal: “When you become adults, you see that your parents… they’re people. And a lot of them are messed up people.” (30:14)
• Krystal underscores not internalizing a parent’s mistakes:
  • “Please don’t internalize your father’s behavior and then extrapolate that out to the rest of the world… That’s not necessarily how that works.” (34:24)
• Seek a different therapist if trust issues linger.
• The responsibility of adults to consider how actions ripple through family:
  • “I wish people… would think about the impact of your choices beyond just you… that something should be your spouse and your children.” (34:24)

Notable Quote:

• “I’m not coming to you as a wife. I’m coming to you as a daughter. And I’m really hurt.” – Krystal, (35:27)

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4. Boundaries vs. Trauma Isolation – Letter from Sebastian (36:10 – 44:08)

Summary:
Sebastian asks how to distinguish between healthy self-protection and trauma-fueled isolation. He found Covid lockdowns peaceful, enjoys solo time, but feels drained by “energy vampires” and questions if he's isolating too much.

Key Discussion Points:

• Krystal identifies key indicators:
  • “If you avoid everybody, that’s not good… It turns into a problem when we say… then everyone is [bad].” (38:07)
  • “There’s nothing wrong with being a loner.… But we also all do need some kind community.” (39:23)
• Lauren and Krystal laugh at being those “yappers” who dominate conversations but stress cycles of giving and space-holding.
• A sanity check: “With friends and family, I would urge you to reevaluate each situation. Also, if you’re closed off to making new friends, that’s another sign that you’re isolating and not protecting yourself.” (43:39)
• On adult friendship:
  • Lauren: “I do think you can make friends at any age… making friends later on in life is not forced… it comes with certain connections.” (44:08)
• Boundaries are healthy; total walling-off is usually trauma or fear.

Notable Moment:

• “You have to give other people the chance to hurt you.… Just one chance.” – Krystal, (41:07)

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5. Friendship Red Flags – Cutting Off “JanSport” – Letter from Angela (46:26 – 61:21)

Summary:
Angela, a Black woman, wonders if she should end a 20-year friendship with her white middle school BFF “JanSport,” who abandoned her during hard times, lets her child play at a house with a Trump flag, and dismisses Angela’s feelings about Beyoncé’s cowboy-inspired album.

Key Discussion Points:

• Both are quick to tally the red flags (abandonment when Angela had legal troubles, Trump-supporting neighbors, and music snobbery).
• Lauren: “You had to go upstate, right?… That sounds like the law.” (49:57)
• Krystal: “Should you try to talk to her?… Why not?… This isn’t for her—it’s for you.” (51:12)
• Serious conversations forge or end relationships:
  • “The difficult conversations forge us.… They make your relationship deeper or… this person is just not for me.” – Lauren, (51:42)
• Cultural lines as hard boundaries, especially for Black queer women, and the cumulative exhaustion of making excuses for microaggressions or big disagreements.
• “At some point, you gonna have to believe her, babe. Thank God for your black BFF, right?” – Krystal, (59:56)

Notable/Laugh-Out-Loud Quotes:

• On the Beyoncé discourse:
  • “If Taylor Swift is not country, then you don’t know what country is!” – Krystal (58:33)
• “It ain’t nothing, cut that bitch off.” – Lauren, (61:00)
• “If I don’t feel safe with my child over here, then I don’t feel safe with my me over here.” – Krystal, (56:03)

Advice Wrap-Up:

• It’s valid (and overdue) to walk away from friendships no longer serving you.
• Having the final conversation provides closure for yourself, but don’t expect a satisfying reaction from someone with a long track record of avoidance.
• Family and long-term friends grow apart; cherish the positive but don’t force ongoing connection.

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Guest Plugs & Goodbye (61:32 – End)

• Lauren shares her Instagram (@laurenlovesu, “u” as “yew”) and nonprofit Purpose Reboot NYC (prnyc.npo) focused on wellness for women of color.
• Krystal thanks Lauren and encourages her to return.
• Krystal wraps with a reminder for listeners to send questions to the couch.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• “I need a person on top of me, breathing on me. You need that other heartbeat.” – Lauren Miller (09:34)
• “I was trying to keep you happy. I was trying to keep you here.” – Lauren Miller, on mismatched sex drives (13:19)
• “If Mark Zuckerberg can have a family, you can have a family.” – Lauren & Krystal, on dating anxiety (22:07)
• “I live here. I didn’t go to her house and say, ‘Are you messing with my daddy?’” – Lauren Miller (29:05)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Introduction of Lauren Miller: 00:21 – 01:33
• Erica’s letter (Marriage Intimacy): 01:43 – 14:11
• Pam’s letter (Post-grad Social Life): 14:14 – 24:39
• Mackenzie’s letter (Parental Betrayal): 24:39 – 35:13
• Sebastian’s letter (Boundaries vs. Isolation): 36:10 – 44:08
• Angela’s letter (Should I End This Friendship?): 46:26 – 61:21
• Guest plugs and Wrap-up: 61:32 – End

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Tone and Takeaway

Crissle’s Couch is equal parts laughter, real-deal wisdom, and community care. This episode is candid and affirming, especially for listeners navigating boundaries, romance, and identity in complex social terrain. If you’re seeking advice from people who “get it” and won’t sugarcoat it, this session delivers healing, hard truths, and humor in abundance.

Transcript

[Lauren Miller]

Hey, y'.

[Krystal]

All. Welcome back to Krystal's Couch. I'm Krystal. This is the show where I answer your questions about advice, and I have interviews sometimes. But today, I am bringing in someone so lovely and fun and dear to help me answer some of your questions. So please welcome today Lauren Miller to the couch.

[Lauren Miller]

Hi, Lauren.

[Krystal]

Tell the people a little bit about yourself.

[Lauren Miller]

So I'm fake Crystal. That's number one. That's who she is. Years ago, when they had their show, I used to be the stand in. Cause look at me.

[Krystal]

I'm Faye.

[Lauren Miller]

Crystal. Duh. But, yeah, so I am Lauren. You could call me Low, But I am a dancer. Interdisciplinary. I like to create art. I modeled for the Read too. So break up with him. Still get some stuff. But yes, right now, I have a nonprofit that I worked so hard to be. 503. 501C3 approved. Nim where is. It's about women of color. It's a safe space for us. We need community. We need more outlets for wellness. We need arts and culture, and we even have elderly people in our community that we need to support. So I'm hitting on all of that with my nonprofit. So I'm excited. I'm really, like, my heart is full.

[Krystal]

Yes, it's.

[Lauren Miller]

It's not only great to be an artist, but it's also great to help the community. And, you know, Crystal, that's what you do.

[Krystal]

No, Lauren, that's what you do. That's so beautiful. Thank you so much for joining us here today on Crystal's couch. Let's dive into the inbox. Okay, who we got up first?

[Lauren Miller]

So we have Erica first, and she says, my wife and I have been married about a year and a half. We dated for three years prior to being married and have been friends for 15 years. After a year and a half of marriage, my wife's interest in sexual intimacy has significantly declined to the point of maybe once a month. Ooh. We both said ooh.

[Krystal]

Yeah.

[Lauren Miller]

So we both have demanding careers. I'm a physician. She's an attorney. And initially, with being newlyweds and balancing our careers, I would understand how intimate time could go lower on the priority list. However, I felt like the majority of the time I initiated intimacy, it was rejected. And she said she confronted her wife about this several times and not much has changed on her part. Now, each time, she assures me that although the quantity of our intimate time is low, the quality is very high. Okay.

[Krystal]

Okay, that's good. It. It's good.

[Lauren Miller]

But how's she Assuring you that the quality is high. Like, okay, so recently when we discussed the issue, she proposed that I seek other women to be intimate with. I was very upset and distraught that she would even bring this as a. Like, bring this up as an option because the issue is that I want to be intimate specifically with her. More recently, my wife mentioned that she noticed I haven't been wanting to hold her hands with like, hold hands with her as much. And I explained that I have just shut down that part of my existence to cope with our overall lack of intimacy. And it's manifesting as me not even wanting to hold hands with her or be affectionate. Now she's also writing. One major difference between my wife and I is that she came out later in her 20s, whereas I came out at 19. During our college years, I was in the streets while she was in a long term relationship with some dude. So I understand that our experiences when it comes to sexuality as queer women is different. And I am trying to be understanding. I love my wife to the end of the earth and I would wear a chastity belt if it meant staying married to her. But I really am hoping that I'm.

[Krystal]

Not trying to do all of that.

[Lauren Miller]

If I don't have to. So I'm planning for us to go to counseling. But until then, any advice on how to get through this would be appreciated. Thank you, Erica.

[Krystal]

All right, Erica. That's a lot, baby. So they dated for three years.

[Lauren Miller]

Known each other for 15.

[Krystal]

Known each other for 15. Okay. So there's this idea of, like the honeymoon phase that's very real. It is kind of natural for sex to drop off in a relationship after a certain amount of time. I wouldn't be surprised if this is just part of that kind of natural decrease in sexuality. But it sounds like maybe there's something else going on. Like maybe did something happen one and a half years ago?

[Lauren Miller]

I was thinking trauma, something like that might have happened where you're going on the right path of wanting to do a couple's therapy because it's obviously something.

[Krystal]

Because once a month, like, yeah, that or, you know. However, if it was more frequent now than it is, or if it was more frequent then than it is now, then I could see how that would be, like, cause for concern. But is it, you know, it doesn't even necessarily have to be like, trauma. But did she start a new job? Did she get fired? Is there something stressful going on at work? Did you all move? Is she having issues with her family, stuff like that? Because if her sex drive was high, like, super high, throughout the whole time y' all dated, and then it dropped off, you know, just. Now, that's a different concern than if, you know, she just kind of was always hot and cold.

[Lauren Miller]

Hot and cold. Yeah.

[Krystal]

Right. And now she feels more cold. So stress, anxiety, depression, other mental health issues, they can all have a huge effect on your libido and lower your desire to have sex. Is there something about the way y' all have sex that she doesn't like? That maybe she hasn't verbalized to you before? Something that you enjoy that she doesn't? Are there any medical issues here? Maybe? Is she exercising regularly? Avoiding substances, getting enough water, going outside? Like, before we get to the. Oh, she must be cheating, or she picked up a STI somewhere. Like, first, let's go through everything that could be naturally going wrong in the relationship. Or maybe you just have things going on that could be affecting the libido here. So I would first ask those questions, get on the same page as your wife as far as all of those things are concerned. If none of that is applicable, then I would sort of move into, like, okay, maybe we need to get into counseling. And I understand Erica's urge to pull away in this situation. Cause if you. You would quite normally and naturally feel very rejected if you are always having sex with somebody. Like, y' all are just, like, constantly going at it, and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, one day, her libido is just way lower. Right? Like, I feel like most of us, regardless of gender, would be like.

[Lauren Miller]

I'd be like, wait, wait, so what's going on?

[Krystal]

Right?

[Lauren Miller]

You don't want me.

[Krystal]

That's the very first thought that most of us have. Oh, you don't want me. Okay, well, so to protect myself, then.

[Lauren Miller]

I'm not gonna throw myself at you.

[Krystal]

I'm not gonna throw myself at you. I'm not gonna offer it. And I'm going to withdraw in other ways, too. So I don't feel like.

[Lauren Miller]

And that made me sad, that part of the. When she was like, she don't even wanna hold hands with her wife anymore. And that is intimate, that holding hands with somebody, even sitting on the couch with them, you know, watching. Like, if you feel like you have to protect yourself that much in your marriage, that is cause for concern.

[Krystal]

Like, it is. And so I get it. I get that Erica's like, okay, well, I'm just shutting off everything intimate since you're rejecting me in this way. But that usually makes the issue worse. Cause if Y' all go see a couple's couples counselor. One of the first things that person is probably gonna say to you is, increase other forms of intimacy. So snuggle more, cuddle more, take a note. Lauren said what you say, increase other form. Yeah. A couples counselor is gonna tell you one of the suggestions is gonna be trying new things together. A cooking class or some kind of hobby. Even doing sexual things without having sex. Like, you know, watching certain movies together or reading certain, you know, written literature that is meant to titillate and spark a reaction. Even things like scheduling sex, which when you say scheduling sex to people, they're like, oh, my. What do you mean? No, but that can be so sexy.

[Lauren Miller]

Listen, listen, it works. Put it on the Google calendar, send that invite, you know, a little nom nom at 8 o'. Clock. It works.

[Krystal]

It works. Yes, it could be very much like, all right, girl, it's Thursday. Soon as you get home, you already know what time it is. I'm on your ass like white on rice. Stuff like that can, can help to increase the intimacy in other ways that aren't necessarily transferring to the bedroom right now. You are probably also going to hear, well, you know, maybe try self pleasuring more to make up the difference between.

[Lauren Miller]

Girl, that don't work.

[Krystal]

I'm sorry.

[Lauren Miller]

That for me, I need. I need a person.

[Krystal]

Yeah.

[Lauren Miller]

I need a person on top of.

[Krystal]

Me, breathing on me. Yeah, you need that other heartbeat. I get it. And Erica even said, you know, like, I'm trying to be intimate specifically with you.

[Lauren Miller]

Yeah.

[Krystal]

And if it's not with you, then I'm good. I could just not have sex at all. Which to me says you all have a really solid marriage, that you really, really love this woman. And it doesn't. You didn't say anything about like suspecting her of cheating or any of that. So I'm not gonna go down the what if she's cheating road. It could just be that you are mismatched in libido, which is very, very common. And it's not even, you know, men or masculine people want it more than women or feminine people is pretty much equal. Like, there's a lot of relationships where women want it more than men and men are like, okay, please leave me alone. Yes, right. They're running away. This is same sex. So that's not really yalls issue here. But I think, yeah, you. This is sort of like some very general advice of how to work through in libido. But if none of that helps ease the issue, you know, you're Trying not to take it personally, but you find that you're starting to grow resentful. And, you know, you don't want her to feel pressured or, like, okay, fine, I'll fuck you. Like, nobody wants that. Fine, Gina. Damn. Like, okay, no, no, we don't want that. Right? At that point, I would say it's probably time to call a therapist who is specifically trained in sex and intimacy issues, because y' all might have something going on individually or within your marriage that's getting in the way here. But what do you think? What would you say to Erica? Hmm.

[Lauren Miller]

So I liked. I liked the fact that she was already thinking about, like, you know, doing a couple's counseling in depth. The intimate. Yes, the intimate counselor would be right. It's gotten to the point where, like, you don't feel safe in your marriage to be, like, even hold hands. So I feel like there has to be something. You need to talk to her first. Talk to her to try to. That conversation going, I like what you said. Doing other intimate things to try to spark it. Because I know sometimes if I'm not in the mood, if a partner or something starts to get a little freaky, I'll be like, oh, maybe I am.

[Krystal]

I like what you're doing. Right.

[Lauren Miller]

Let's do it together, right? So see if you can. I don't wanna say bait her into.

[Krystal]

Like, I know that sounds crazy, but if you can bait her into a.

[Lauren Miller]

Little sexy time, see if that works. And if you really can't do it in that way, then it's a bigger problem. So you need.

[Krystal]

You need help, right? There's only so much you can do, I think without the help of a trained counselor, without one or both of you feeling like, okay, you pushing me into this, or you're rejecting me and I'm feeling unwanted by you. Yeah. You said, this woman is an attorney. To me, that automatically is like, oh, so she's stressed out. She's stressed out. On top of, you know, you all have been together for four and a half years, and there is quite naturally a drop off in the frequency of sex between couples once they've been together for a while. When you first get together, it's like, oh, you so fine. No, you so fine. Okay, let's smash. Like, that's it. Let's do it 24 7. Cause you're so fine. Like, let's just. Let's get at it. But the longer you're together, you're building a life, you know, things kind of drop off and you're like, oh, so this is your real sex drive? Cause I thought you. Damn. I really thought you was a five day a week type of person. Cause that's what I am. Like, I thought we was. Yeah.

[Lauren Miller]

And they was like, no, I was just trying to keep you happy. I was trying to keep you here.

[Krystal]

Yeah. And you know, I really liked you. I was really into you. But. Yeah. So I think it's a combination of stress from work and maybe this is just her natural sex drive. But if it continues to be a problem, reach out to a sex therapist or couples counselor who specializes in those things. And good luck to you, Erica. This is a very, very, very common problem. I actually did couples counseling as part of my internship and all alongside my supervisor. I didn't see couples by myself, but this was. Every single couple had something to do with sex. Really? Yet every single one had some kind of sex discrepancy in their relationship. So you all are not alone. And this is probably something that you can work through. Good luck.

[Lauren Miller]

Good luck. Erica.

[Krystal]

Yes. Who's next?

[Lauren Miller]

Okay, we got Ms. Pam.

[Krystal]

All right, Pam.

[Lauren Miller]

So actually, let me see. I don't know if it's Miss, but it should be okay, but it's Pam. So here's my dilemma. I've basically been in school since forever. I finished undergrad in 2017 and went straight into a master's program, which I finally finished in May. So for the past eight or nine years, my life has been nothing but books, papers, late night research binges, and me asking myself why APA citation is personally out to ruin my life.

[Krystal]

Valid.

[Lauren Miller]

It's been exhausting, but I'm proud I hit a personal goal and that I've been chasing forever. So while she was buried in. Pam. I'm sorry, I don't want to gender you. So while I was buried in academia, my personal life flatlined. Family bonds, weak friendships, dusty relationships, non existence. And meanwhile, my peers from undergrad and even high school are out here with multiple kids, full families, houses, vacation, Costco memberships, the whole nine. And while I'm just now stumbling out of grad school in my late 20s, blinking in the daylight like a baby deer, trying to figure out how to live life. To top it off, I'm socially awkward. Like walking into a room full of my peers feels like I'm going to join a group project halfway through the semester. Awkward, intimidating, and. And the only one who doesn't already have a partner. Making new friends at this age honestly feels harder than grad school. What advice do you have for someone who wants to finally do the fun, messy, personal side of life and not just collect degrees like infinity Stones. Thanks, Pam.

[Krystal]

Well, congrats on the master's degree, Pam. I know that's a lot of hard work and it can be very challenging to shift out of school mode, you.

[Lauren Miller]

Know, look at you.

[Krystal]

I do. You know, I know a little something about it. I know a little something about it. But if you're trying to, like, rejoin the land of the living in a way, because grad school is very much like, this is my whole life. So now that you're done with that, I would say, you know, she said her friendships are dusty. Okay, it's time to clean them off. Yeah, it's time to find the pledge, restrengthen those family bonds, you know, download a dating app. I mean, I'm just saying. Or, you know, or even just flirt with people in person or online people. You follow, stuff like that. You know, put yourself out there, reach out to people, invite them places. Hey, there's a new coffee shop around the corner. Or there's this show I want to go to. You kind of have to be proactive in re involving yourself with other people because they used to you being in them busy.

[Lauren Miller]

They're like, oh, don't even.

[Krystal]

Yeah, don't even call Pam. Yeah, we know. She got papers to write. Yeah.

[Lauren Miller]

And I feel like, again, to that, like, your family and your friends that are not just superficial friends, they understand that. And they would want to be like, oh, you're done. Let's go outside. Like, we're outside right.

[Krystal]

Now that they know you're back in that mode, they might be all the more enthusiastic about bringing you back outside with them. So make plans and show up when you can. Even though sometimes that little, hey, I don't feel like going nowhere. Demon be right on your shoulder. You gotta ignore that. Dr. Joy. Actually, Dr. Joy from therapy for black girls, she posted something on her Instagram recently about how it is harder to keep our connections active in the winter when it's cold outside.

[Lauren Miller]

Oh, I don't wanna leave my house.

[Krystal]

Literally. This is such a problem. I got food, baby. Especially in the northeast because the sun sets at 4:15pm and so if I'm not already outside, guess what?

[Lauren Miller]

I'm not going outside.

[Krystal]

I'm not making it. And so Dr. Joy posted, you know, all these tips about keeping your connections active when it's a time of year where a lot of us are keeping more to ourselves. And it's like, on the one hand, sure. Take that time to yourself, rest and recuperate. You know, do your little hibernation, but don't forget about your people. Stay connected however you can, because you do have to actively try to keep those things. And for you, it's not even trying to keep them active. For you, it's trying to get them back active. Yeah. So that's what I would say for, you know, this whole everything has kind of fallen to the wayside part of things. But Pam also mentioned having social anxiety, right?

[Lauren Miller]

Yeah. She said she was, like, socially awkward, that she feels, like, weird walking into spaces even with, like, peers that she knows now. I guess for. I don't want to speak for her, but I feel like she kind of feels like she's just missed so much. You're only in your late 20s, girl.

[Krystal]

Like, life is not over. No. The full house and the Costco membership is still available to you.

[Lauren Miller]

You can get the Costco's, BJ's, too.

[Krystal]

Yeah. You can get. If that's what you want to spend your Saturdays fighting them people for them, bulk items. You can do that. You really can. But if social anxiety is a problem for you, like it is for countless other people, there are a lot of resources available online for that kind of, you know, in a very general way, when you realize that you're having an unhelpful thought or an assumption when you're in social settings, because this is the problem for a lot of people. They're in a room with others and they immediately think, oh, ain't nobody gonna like me. Oh, I'm so weird. Oh, everybody's looking at me. Oh, they're judging me. I'm this, I'm that. And you just kind of immediately start beating yourself up and assuming the worst about yourself and others as soon as you get around other people. So when you notice that you're doing that, try to challenge those thoughts. Take note of how you're feeling when they come up. Like, ooh, I came to this party and suddenly I feel really inadequate, or I feel really ashamed or embarrassed. And those feelings are just little pieces of information. They're just giving you information about what you're currently experiencing. We don't have to judge them, but we do want to acknowledge them and notice them so that we can then challenge the things that are holding us back. Love that. So, yes. Look for alternate possibilities. Like, okay, I just walked in this room full of people at the bar, and instead of assuming you're so weird and everybody hates you, you can think, I'm in this bar and maybe nobody noticed me because It's a packed bar, and people are having drinks and conversation, and I can just go up to the bar, order my drink, and then go, you know, mix and mingle.

[Lauren Miller]

It's really about reframing those thoughts because we. A lot of those are negative thoughts. How come we always have negative thoughts about us? Why don't you just walk in the bar and say, you know what? I look so good that nobody wants to talk to me. They're intimidated. Okay, yes. Reframe it.

[Krystal]

Swing it in the complete opposite direction. Nobody's talking because I'm so fine.

[Lauren Miller]

I'm so bad.

[Krystal]

They cannot take. I walked in this room, and they were like, my God, I can't speak to that woman.

[Lauren Miller]

Right? I cannot breathe now.

[Krystal]

That's not. That's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life. Sure, why not? I'm a big fan of overcorrecting in that way. When you're beating yourself up unnecessarily, mentally, you can try to reframe it in the way that Lauren said, but, you know, also look for evidence against those thoughts. You're not so weird. There's billions of people on this planet. You are not such an oddball that you can't fit in with somebody, have a friend group, have a social life. You know, you're not just completely repulsive to the whole planet.

[Lauren Miller]

What's the Facebook guy? What's his name?

[Krystal]

The who?

[Lauren Miller]

The Facebook guy. The owner, Mark Zuckerberg. If he can get a wife. Girl, listen, if Mark Zuckerberg can have a family, he does. Then you can have a family.

[Krystal]

Yes. And even if people do see you and they misjudge you or, you know, they don't like something about you, it's not the end of the world. Again. There are billions of people on this planet. No one in the history of time has ever been universally loved. Nobody. Not even that one girl we're all thinking of. Not even her. So, you know, maybe you are a weirdo. What's wrong with that? Embrace being a weirdo. Find the other weirdos. There are so many people out here. It takes all kinds. So, you know, this is easier said than done, especially with the social anxiety.

[Lauren Miller]

It is.

[Krystal]

Reframing the thoughts. It takes time. It's not something you're gonna do once, and then suddenly you're cured and you don't have no more anxiety again. Feel free to Google this. I know helpguide.org has a really great sort of refresher, and this sort of.

[Lauren Miller]

I'm taking all my notes over Here.

[Krystal]

Lauren said. What was that? Helpguide.org yes. They have a whole overcoming social anxiety disorder thing where they get into what causes it, signs and symptoms, how to overcome it, tips on it, all of that, and how to treat it. So if it's really still debilitating, of course I would say reach out to a therapist. But there are some steps you can take on your own to kind of help you work past that so that you can make new connections, but also have no shame about being like, hey, y', all, I'm done with grad school. Let's go shake some ass. Yeah, Reach out to your friends.

[Lauren Miller]

I'm pretty sure your friends, your family, the boys with the Costco memberships, they want to take you out because they are happy that you accomplished something so big. There's something that you put your mind to.

[Krystal]

So, like, yes. Right.

[Lauren Miller]

We love you.

[Krystal]

We do. So if you want to go out and finally do the fun, messy things, you know, you have a long night and you have some drinks and you're going out with friends and just kind of letting the night take you wherever it will just. You can just go do those things. You can nurture the connections you have and even find some new ones once you're able to get past that little voice in your head that's tearing you down. Best of luck, Pam. Who's next?

[Lauren Miller]

Okay, we have Mackenzie. This one's a little messy, though.

[Krystal]

All right, Mac.

[Lauren Miller]

Yeah. Okay, so Mackenzie says, when I was younger, my dad cheated on my mom, and unfortunately, I was with her when she found out and confronted him. And the mistress.

[Krystal]

Yup.

[Lauren Miller]

I was too young to really know what was going on, but my mom made my entire family aware. Now fast forward to me in my mid-20s, and it was happened like it happened again. The new mistress husband came to our home. I was the one to answer the door.

[Krystal]

No.

[Lauren Miller]

So of course I had to tell my mom, who was also home at the time.

[Krystal]

Absolutely not. I told you. Oh, no.

[Lauren Miller]

The difference this time is no one else in my family knows. Only me and my parents. That night was probably the roughest of my life, and honestly, I still have bad days because of it. I did go to therapy for about three months, but I don't know if the provider was a good one. She told me I shouldn't be impacted by what happened between my parents because I don't know what goes on in their marriage.

[Krystal]

Oh, girl.

[Lauren Miller]

While that is true, it feels like I have been involved in some way since day one. My dad was my first true love, and now I can barely stand to be around him. So please help Mackenzie.

[Krystal]

Oh, Mackenzie, girl, I'm sorry you're going through this. Your feelings are understandable. Especially. Cause it sounds like you had a lot of respect for your dad. I really don't understand why your therapist would say that you shouldn't have feelings about it. That doesn't. Yeah, that doesn't make sense. That's really absurd. But all therapists are not created equal, Lord knows. Um, have you talked to your dad, first and foremost, about how hurt and betrayed you feel? If you all have a good relationship, he may be. Especially because you're an adult. He may be open to having that conversation. But a lot of times adulterers are only thinking about themselves and what they want in that moment. Maybe their spouses. Maybe you know how to. And really, when they. Thinking about the spouses. How do I not get caught? But how they affect their kids doesn't really cross their mind.

[Lauren Miller]

He might like if you said that he was your first true love, which makes me feel like he was a really good dad to you. He's not being a good partner to your mother. So I really think in this instance, like you said, Crystal, you need to speak to him. You have to speak to him. Because your iffy therapist did say you shouldn't be impacted. You don't know what goes on in their marriage. Although this is none of your business. But you might find out mommy did something and that he might be, you know, reacting to that. I'm not saying it's right. None of this is right. Cause you shouldn't know any of this. And you shouldn't even be a part of it.

[Krystal]

Right, Ashley? At all. Yeah, you really shouldn't. But I think if her mother had done something, that probably would have came out.

[Lauren Miller]

Yeah, A long time ago.

[Krystal]

Right. Probably would have came out.

[Lauren Miller]

You know, I'm just trying to help.

[Krystal]

You to help me.

[Lauren Miller]

Kiss me. I don't know. This is not okay.

[Krystal]

It's really not. And the thing is, like, Lauren makes a good point. This really isn't your business. And it should have never been your business. And it's your dad's fault that you know anything about this. Because why does this woman know where you live? Why does she feel bold enough to come knock on the damn door? Control your horse. Like, this is really ridiculous that this woman had the audacity. Ma'.

[Lauren Miller]

Am. Cause if he would've opened that door and beat her down, then what?

[Krystal]

If my mama would have shot you, then what?

[Lauren Miller]

Yeah, you really.

[Krystal]

Your dad has put you In a horrible position where now you have all this empathy for your mother, you're feeling bad for your mother, you're feeling all these conflicting feelings towards him, someone you have loved and respected and had a good relationship with. And now you're like, I don't even wanna be around him no more. So I definitely would say try to sit down and have that conversation with him. If he reacts well to it, then that's great, because that means that although you don't condone what he did, you can maybe forgive him for it, and you all can start the process of repairing your relationship. Mm. But if he reacts poorly, what does he have? Anything. And that's the first thing I'm thinking. Most men gonna be like, stay in a child's place. Who are you talking to? Don't worry about it. I live here.

[Lauren Miller]

I live here. I live here.

[Krystal]

She knocked on our door. Yeah, I didn't go through your phone looking for this.

[Lauren Miller]

I didn't go to her house and say, are you messing with my daddy? No, I didn't. I didn't do that. Right.

[Krystal]

So if he reacts in a shitty way, then I would stop trying to talk to him about it. He's made it clear that he's not willing to be a cat accountable to you for what he's done or to even acknowledge that what he's done has an effect on you. So, yeah, I would shut down that whole trying to talk to him about it, and I would avoid him until I could move out. I got a headache. Cause niggas is just niggas. I'm sorry. No, for real. For real. Cause I'm sure my father cheated on my mother, but none of them hoes ever knocked on the door. That would have rocked my whole life. No, I'm sorry. That would have shifted everything. The mistress husband is like, I hear y' all talking about me. So, yeah, I would probably just be like, okay, you know what? This is not a safe person. The way I thought it was. The relationship I thought I had with my dad when I was younger is clearly not the relationship that we have now as adults.

[Lauren Miller]

When you become adults, you see that your parents are. They're not these illustrious figureheads. They're people.

[Krystal]

They're just humans.

[Lauren Miller]

They're people. And. And they are messed up people.

[Krystal]

A lot of them. A lot of them, yes. A lot of them have their own issues. And so I would urge you not to take that personally. But also, you know, this hurts, and it's okay for this to hurt. That therapist who told you that you shouldn't be feeling no type of way about. It was so very wrong. First of all, there's no such thing as you shouldn't have such and such feelings.

[Lauren Miller]

Like, you have the feelings.

[Krystal]

Girl, girl, look at us. Real crystal, fake crystal is on it. You know, you just have the feelings. What matters is what you do with them. And, you know, how you internalize them or don't internalize them. But this is probably going to have an effect on the way you think about and approach your own dating life and your own relationships. I would not be surprised if you have trouble trusting others, especially if you date men. I wouldn't be shocked if you, like, where are you at? And where did you say you were?

[Lauren Miller]

Especially since this happened twice.

[Krystal]

Yes.

[Lauren Miller]

This is not the first time. The first time was, like, in her formidable years. You're such a young child. So young. And now it's like, I'm an adult, and this is still happening. I thought maybe y' all fixed it or.

[Krystal]

Yes. Like, I would have thought, you know, between when I was five and when I was 25, you decided, I'm start cheating on my wife, and I'm going to act like I care about my family and that I want to keep this intact, but at least have some respect.

[Lauren Miller]

Like, it's like, what, girl? What happened? Why does she. Again, why does she know my address?

[Krystal]

Right. There's so many things here that led up to this woman feeling bold enough to come knock on the door looking for that man.

[Lauren Miller]

Those are the bigger problems. Yes, those are the bigger problems where, like, even if the cheating is not, like, specifically your problem, mackenzie, it's the disrespect, it's the everything that you're disregarding our family unit.

[Krystal]

Right, Right. And so, of course that hurts. Why wouldn't that hurt? This is your dad.

[Lauren Miller]

Yeah. That therapist.

[Krystal]

Whoop. I don't know what that therapist was thinking, truly, because to me, it makes all the sense in the world that you have these feelings about it. But don't let this one shit therapist turn you off from therapy altogether. Especially if you find that this is affecting your dating life, affecting the way you see your dad. Makes sense, because your dad is the one who did the wrong here. But a lot of us see our parents doing wrong. And so then we automatically take that to, oh, all women do this. All men do this. Women ain't shit. Niggas ain't shit. And so we kind of immediately approach our dating lives with this, well, you gonna cheat? Because I saw my daddy cheat. I saw my Daddy cheat multiple times. And so you think, okay, well, turn your location on and call me when you leave and call me when you get there. And you think, oh, I have to do all this extra to make sure he's not gonna do that. Please don't internalize your father's behavior. And then, you know, extrapolate that out to the rest of the world. That's not necessarily how that works. So if you find that it's getting involved, this sort of distrust is holding you back from forming other romantic connections, then please do seek out another therapist who understands that you can have whatever feelings you have, and there's nothing wrong with that. Again, don't know what was wrong with that other bitch. But, yeah, this is just. This is the sort of sad situation where I wish that people who were in committed relationships, who have children, who are raised all living together under one roof. I wish you would think about the impact of your choices beyond just you. Yeah. There's something that matters beyond getting your dick wet or beyond, you know, whatever it is. And that something should be your spouse and your children.

[Lauren Miller]

It should be.

[Krystal]

It should. It really should.

[Lauren Miller]

Cause even the notion that, like, you're grown, you're still my child.

[Krystal]

Yes.

[Lauren Miller]

And you're still my family unit, and I should.

[Krystal]

Especially because y' all still live together.

[Lauren Miller]

Yeah. That's my house.

[Krystal]

Like, so how am I supposed to move on when the person who has ruptured the family unit is walking around here like, I don't give a damn and don't say nothing to me about it.

[Lauren Miller]

Do you think he knows? Like, do you think he knows that she knows the daughter? She said.

[Krystal]

Didn't Mackenzie say, at this point, just their immediate family knows. Cause I'm sure she and her mother told her dad. Right? Oh, yeah. That they showed up. So then I guess my dad told the dad, like, one of your hoes came by here.

[Lauren Miller]

Yeah.

[Krystal]

Knocking on the door. And so you might think, okay, well, it's not my place. This is not my place.

[Lauren Miller]

For Nita addressed him. My mother addressed him, but it's not my place. For me, it is your place because you were there. You were there when it happened. You were the one that opened the door.

[Krystal]

Yes.

[Lauren Miller]

So I would want to sit down with my dad and say, yeah, I know, whatever you got going with mom, but not talk to me.

[Krystal]

Yes.

[Lauren Miller]

Talk to me.

[Krystal]

Yes. I'm not coming to you as a wife. I'm coming to you as a daughter. And I'm really hurt.

[Lauren Miller]

Yeah.

[Krystal]

This broke my heart, Daddy. Aw, I know, right?

[Lauren Miller]

Yeah.

[Krystal]

I'm feeling this part. Cause this is so messed up. Yeah. And hopefully he, you know, is willing to mend that with you. But if not, we're rooting for you. Mackenzie. Old people be stubborn as mules. And if they don't want to change, they simply not going to. But yes, reach out. Find a different therapist, please, if your dad doesn't have the appropriate reaction. But best of luck in healing, baby girl. All right, Lauren, who's next?

[Lauren Miller]

Sebastian.

[Krystal]

Oh, classy.

[Lauren Miller]

You like that one?

[Krystal]

I do, girl.

[Lauren Miller]

Okay, so Sebastian says, how do you know when you are smartly protecting yourself versus your trauma, making you isolate? I need to know this one too.

[Krystal]

That's a good one.

[Lauren Miller]

So we locking in?

[Krystal]

Okay. Okay.

[Lauren Miller]

We locking in.

[Krystal]

We locked in, girl.

[Lauren Miller]

So I noticed when Covid first hit that I thoroughly enjoyed not having access to my co workers friends.

[Krystal]

That's why I said, we gotta get.

[Lauren Miller]

Locked in on this one.

[Krystal]

I'm feeling you, Sebastian.

[Lauren Miller]

I noticed when Covid first hit that I thoroughly enjoyed not having access to my co workers, friends and select members of my family. More importantly, I really enjoyed them not having access to me. My inner introvert rejoiced. Being back in the wild sucks. I love doing things by myself. I drive all over the state to hike with my dog. I've gotten quieter, which has led to everyone else attempting to use me as a verbal dumping ground. When they call, I answer the phone. Then they just start talking. It's not until it's time to hang up that they finally ask me how I'm doing. I usually just say, oh, I'm good. And then I make up a reason to get off the phone. Yeah, I've realized that I am surrounded by self centered people. Now I'm wondering, do I actually enjoy being alone or do I subconsciously start protecting and isolating myself so that I wouldn't be drained by energy? Vampires would love to hear your thoughts, Sebastian.

[Krystal]

Sebastian. Well, this is an excellent question. I think a lot of people found themselves in this situation. Yes. Especially if you lived in a city that took Covid seriously. And so everything really got shut down. You're like, oh, I'm actually. I don't need to go back out there at all. I'm super cool.

[Lauren Miller]

Right.

[Krystal]

So I would say that the difference between protecting yourself versus isolating is how you do it, where you do it, with whom you do it. So, like, if you avoid everybody, okay, that's not good. If I. If you are just like, nope, the whole world can't be trusted. Everybody else is also a Self centered dickhead. Oh, that's not good. Other people are gonna hurt me. Other people are gonna annoy me. That is probably isolation. Yeah, that is isolation. Because. Is it really everybody? No. Are all the people.

[Lauren Miller]

It's a good 99. But the 1%.

[Krystal]

Right. Is it every co worker? Is it every friend? It's nothing wrong with avoiding people that really are that.

[Lauren Miller]

Yeah.

[Krystal]

But it turns into a problem when we say, oh, because you're like this, and you're like this, then everyone, everybody is right. There's also nothing wrong with doing things alone or with your dog. That's great. Yeah, there's. If you really enjoy driving around the state and going to different hiking spots with your dog, go do that. There's nothing wrong with being, you know, a loner. All of that stuff is great. But we also all do need some kind community.

[Lauren Miller]

Yes, we do need community.

[Krystal]

See, now you telling you, you talking to yourself. You like, you know what, Lauren, you do need.

[Lauren Miller]

I was being a little facetious earlier. I'm one of those people, though, that, like, I felt kind of attacked, a little triggered. Okay, okay. When he was like, you know, people call and then they just start talking.

[Krystal]

Yes, that's me.

[Lauren Miller]

I do that. But I also hold space for my friends to be like, okay, I got it out. What's going on with you? What's going on? But I do check in with my friends, but I'm just a yapper sometimes, right? So I wouldn't want Sebastian to be like, oh, you energy vampire. No, I love you. I do want to hear everything going on from your side. So, you know, I am not in the 99%.

[Krystal]

Okay, Sebastian, sometimes it's just a personality difference. Like you said, some people are yappers and you answer the phone like, oh, girl, let me tell you, girl, I, you know, I don't necessarily think there's anything wrong with that, especially if the other person is like, I do also care about you. Like, I genuinely do want to know what's going on with you. But we have to have. Humans are social creatures. We have to have connection with others and not just any old damn body.

[Lauren Miller]

No, yeah. Standards.

[Krystal]

Yes, yes. But if you hear me say, well, we're all human beings, Human beings need each other, and you say, not me. Then you're isolating. Okay, then you are isolating, maybe due to trauma or something else you have going on. That's not just protecting yourself. Yeah, yeah.

[Lauren Miller]

Cause you, not me.

[Krystal]

Yeah, you do. You are a human being. You need other human beings. Okay, then you're not the only one who was like, yeah, other people need people. Not me, though.

[Lauren Miller]

I think Sebastian was really me that wrote it. Yeah, maybe so.

[Krystal]

Maybe so. Because, yes, being close to others does require vulnerability. People don't want to hear this, but you have to give other people the chance to hurt you. Yeah, you do. Just one. Just one chance to hurt you. And I'm not saying, you know, obviously, take your precautions with others, but cutting yourself off entirely only removes your access to love, to real friendship, to close bonds with family, that sort of thing. So you have to go through these people one by one and say, is this an annoying, selfish bitch, or am I just in the cut everybody off, I don't need nobody. I got my dog, fuck y' all type mode.

[Lauren Miller]

Yeah, you have to go.

[Krystal]

It's a case by case basis.

[Lauren Miller]

Your dog can't talk to you, you know, Well, I wish.

[Krystal]

I wish my dog. I don't know. Lainey. Laney talks to me spiritually.

[Lauren Miller]

Okay, okay.

[Krystal]

No, you're right. My love for my dog and my relationship with her is so special, but she is not human and people need one another. So go through your relationships one by one, decide who's worth keeping and who's worth tossing with co workers. It's a totally different situation. Oh, yeah, no. Cause that can be very much like. You get on my nerves. And all I really have to do is get along with you while we working. And then as soon as I'm out of here, I'm out of here.

[Lauren Miller]

That's it. I open up my computer, we say hi, I smile, I close it. Good night.

[Krystal]

Yes. And a lot of introverts were like, oh, work from home is the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm not saying that you have to become an extrovert at all, because I get it. The people who are like, I was tired of the mindless small talk and.

[Lauren Miller]

The stopping by my desk.

[Krystal]

Stopping by my desk for no fucking reason and then pulling me into shit like, no, girl, I came here to type up my reports and give my speech and go home. So it sounds like Sebastian is being asked to return to the office more regularly and is like, yeah, this sucks. Yeah, this sucks. I do not like being around all y'. All. Y' all fake and y' all self centered and I don't want you in my space at work. That's the sort of thing where you just kinda gotta like, it is what it is.

[Lauren Miller]

It is what it is what it is. Then you just gotta smile and be fake until you get off the Closet. Right, that's it.

[Krystal]

It's a performance in a lot of ways because we do that for the sa of having a check, having a home so that we can have a home. Exactly. Having food, literally so you can take care of this dog. So on the weekends you can drive and go hike with your dog. Yes. So that's different. But with friends and family, I would urge you to reevaluate each situation. Also, if you're closed off to making new friends, that's another sign that you're isolating and not protecting yourself.

[Lauren Miller]

Recently I had a family member ask me, she's like in her 40s now and she said like, how do I deal with like making new friends at this age? Like, do you think you can make new friends at this age? And I'm just like, for me, I do think you can make friends at any age. But I do think that is a thing where it doesn't, like making friends later on in life is not forced. Y' all really mesh with each other and you really have like, you know, things in common. If she's like, oh, can we hang out? Can we be friends? That's not a friend. I don't know what, but that's not a friend.

[Krystal]

Yes.

[Lauren Miller]

So like, you don't need to be closed off to it, but you do need to recognize that it will come with certain like, you know what I'm trying to say, like certain connections.

[Krystal]

Yeah. Because you know, when we're younger, so many of us meet our first friends at school or church or daycare or something else like that where you're just in another room with a bunch of other people your same age all day so you quite naturally make friends. And even in college we're all on campus, we're all in the dorms. Yes. Sororities, fraternities, all that sort of thing. It's just kind of like all these built in opportunities to make friends. Now some people do make friends with their co workers. Some, some, especially if your coworker is genuinely chill outside of the office.

[Lauren Miller]

And they're not telling on you when you're taking your time off.

[Krystal]

Okay. They're not telling on you like, okay, I'm using my sick day to go to Disney or getting my hair braided or to. And why would you schedule a meeting with cameras on at 2:30 when now I'm in the middle and I told.

[Lauren Miller]

You I was going down to get braided. So you hate me, right?

[Krystal]

So you hate me cause you knew I was getting extra small butt length.

[Lauren Miller]

Braids and Then she gonna smile in your face when you come back to school.

[Krystal]

Come.

[Lauren Miller]

I'm about to go back to school.

[Krystal]

When you come back from work, right?

[Lauren Miller]

And she's like, oh, my God, your hair looks so.

[Krystal]

Bitch. You know what you did. Yeah, but. So I hope that helps clear up the difference between isolating because of trauma versus just protecting yourself and your. It can be a thin line, but hopefully this helps shed some light on it and you can start to rekindle some of those relationships that are worth it. Good luck, baby. All right, who's next?

[Lauren Miller]

Okay, now this one is a kind of a doozy.

[Krystal]

Okay.

[Lauren Miller]

I want to hear what you have to say. I think you would give some. Some good advice.

[Krystal]

Okay, well, I'm looking forward to it.

[Lauren Miller]

Okay, so this is from Angela. She said, dear Crystal, I am a 33 year old black woman and I need some real advice about a 20 year friendship. I have two BFFs from middle school, one white and one black. My white friend, jansport. She said, jansport.

[Krystal]

Okay. Jansport. Yes.

[Lauren Miller]

My white friend, jansport.

[Krystal]

Love that.

[Lauren Miller]

And I have always had more in common, like our love for anime and different genres of music. She didn't seem racist in a sea full of southern suburban white kids. We were both witches and we even partied a lot together in our early 20s. Until I got into some trouble. When I got into this trouble, she dropped me with the quickness.

[Krystal]

Damn bitches. Okay, no, keep going, keep going.

[Lauren Miller]

Okay. I got my life back together a year later and I reached out to her and our friendship picked up back like it never stopped. Okay, that was 10 years ago. And now I'm feeling like that was the first time that she doesn't value our friendship the way over the years, little things have piled up. The most recent was letting her son play with the neighbor's kids who have a huge Trump flag on their playground. She claims to be so liberal and queer and has a daughter who's also queer. Now, when I confronted her in this, she said, there's no other kids in the neighborhood that are her son's age. I decided to let it go, but to also keep in mind that her son shouldn't be left alone to play with my bonus son anymore.

[Krystal]

Okay. Okay. Yeah.

[Lauren Miller]

Now then we had a discussion about Beyonce and her country album.

[Krystal]

Oh Lord, here we go.

[Lauren Miller]

We are both deep southern girls with country roots. My opinion was that the album was amazing, but I would call it more country inspired than a full country album. For sure, she hadn't listened to the album at all, but Said she heard it wasn't good and that it's not country at all. And I said, well, it's a lot more country than early Taylor Swift and laughed it off. She said that if someone didn't Taylor Swift was country, they don't know country music. So at the end of that conversation, I had to really sit and think about our friendship.

[Krystal]

Yeah.

[Lauren Miller]

So I like. It's not like when you had to go away, do some time upstate, right.

[Krystal]

It's not when your kid was like playing with the trumpet. It was Beyonce. She said, I need to take a few steps back. I love this Angela. Yes.

[Lauren Miller]

Our biggest issue is I don't feel comfortable talking to her about it. When things go wrong, she gets dismissive and defensive with criticism. Unlike my black bff, we call each other out all the time and she is still my rock.

[Krystal]

We like that.

[Lauren Miller]

We do.

[Krystal]

Mm.

[Lauren Miller]

JanSport, however, doesn't like serious conversations. I haven't talked to her in months and have cut down on social media as my family has been going through a lot. She only checked in a few times. Now, should I try to talk to her about how I'm feeling or just let this go? Most people in my life are over her, so I want an opinion from a non biased perspective. Love you and thanks, Angela.

[Krystal]

Oh, Angela. I think I'm on the side of most people in your life over her. I think I'm over her.

[Lauren Miller]

It's three. Those are three big things too.

[Krystal]

Yeah, they are.

[Lauren Miller]

You had to go upstate, right?

[Krystal]

Cause you said you got in some trouble. That sounds like the law. Right?

[Lauren Miller]

She had to go away. Yeah.

[Krystal]

That sounds like your Angela said, oh, bye. Jasper said, oh, I'm not talking to you no more. Oh, yeah. Jesport was like, oh, no, no, no, we don't have.

[Lauren Miller]

She had to go to jail. I can't have a black friend that went to jail.

[Krystal]

Right, Right.

[Lauren Miller]

And then the Trumpy kid is, if you feel like you are queer, you are liberal, you should protect your kids in that way because you know those ideals are in that household.

[Krystal]

Right? Exactly.

[Lauren Miller]

And now Beyonce.

[Krystal]

And now Beyonce. Beyonce was the straw that broke the camel's back.

[Lauren Miller]

We don't need to talk about that. Beyonce.

[Krystal]

Angela said, now you really fucking tried it now. Yes, I went to prison and that's one thing, but Beyonce. So should you try to talk to her about how you're feeling? You know what? Why not? Even though you said JanSport doesn't like serious conversations, this isn't really to me, this isn't really for her. It's More for you. You're the one going back and forth about whether to keep this friendship alive anyway. So it's probably always going to eat you up a little bit in the back of your mind if you don't have a conversation with her that's just.

[Lauren Miller]

Like she gonna be saying. She said, what about Beyonce, right? You gonna.

[Krystal]

You gonna. She said, what, you gonna wake up at 3am yeah. And that bitch said, cowboy car. It didn't deserve album of the year. Like, it's gonna eat at you.

[Lauren Miller]

Yeah.

[Krystal]

So I would. I. I love confrontation. You know, I don't know if that's just the unafraid black woman that I am, but I don't mind having difficult conversations.

[Lauren Miller]

The difficult conversations forge us. They do.

[Krystal]

They.

[Lauren Miller]

Do they make your relationship deeper or it makes you understand that this person is just not for me.

[Krystal]

Girl, you preaching tonight. You preaching tonight. That's exactly what they do. They provide a clarity that you won't get otherwise if you don't have that. Because sometimes our brains will fill in the answer. Answers for us. And maybe we're right in those assumptions, but maybe we're not. And you really don't know until you talk to that other person. Now, I think Jansport has probably not really been your real friend, maybe even ever. But, I mean, because depending on what you went to jail for, though. It just depends. It depends. It depends on what you did.

[Lauren Miller]

I mean, she only went away for a year. She came back.

[Krystal]

You came back. She was rehabilitated, so it couldn't have been that bad. Whatever it was, it wasn't bad enough for them to lock you up for a decade. Okay. But depending on what you did, I could see somebody pulling back. But then you came home, you got your life together, you reached out. Everything picked up like it had never stopped. I would have considered that a good sign. Until the Trump thing. Yeah. I think the Trump thing is where you should have had the conversation.

[Lauren Miller]

Cause she's not an ally for real.

[Krystal]

Right. And the thing is, like, if you're a queer, allegedly queer woman raising a queer daughter, it's not even just that you're not an ally. You're working against your own interests and the interests of your child.

[Lauren Miller]

But we know they do that.

[Krystal]

But we do know they do that. So many people do that.

[Lauren Miller]

Yeah.

[Krystal]

And so, you know, maybe it is an issue of. Well, there's no other kids on the block that are my son's age. Okay. So are there no other kids in the world? Does he not go to school? I'm just confused as to why. Because as a black, queer woman, it's a zero percent chance I'm letting my child, my dog, my anything go into a house where somebody.

[Lauren Miller]

You can't let Lainey in a Trump household. Hell, no.

[Krystal]

God only knows what kind of mess they gonna.

[Lauren Miller]

She gonna come back with a MAGA stamp.

[Krystal]

She gonna come back right? Indoctrinated. They gonna put a MAGA stamp or something on my baby, and I'm gonna lose my mind. Yeah. My kids are not going into no house with a Trump flag flying. I'm simply not doing it. Trump is a hard line for me.

[Lauren Miller]

Hard. No.

[Krystal]

But for a lot of people. He isn't. For a lot of people, Trump is like a. Ooh, I don't like him. But.

[Lauren Miller]

Well, it seems like for.

[Krystal]

Oh, that's not Angela Jansport.

[Lauren Miller]

Yeah. Well, no, no. Yeah, it is Angela.

[Krystal]

It is Angela.

[Lauren Miller]

Yeah. So it seems like for Angela, those are real hard lines for her. Like, you know, she felt away when she had to go away and you stopped, but when y' all picked back up, she was like, oh, okay, maybe. But then the Trumpy is like, she's really felt away about it, but she didn't say anything.

[Krystal]

Right.

[Lauren Miller]

It's like, I think that would have been before we even got to the Beyonce. If you would have said something there, you would have seen where her line was.

[Krystal]

Right. And you wouldn't have never even got to the Beyonce conversation. Cause you would have found out right then that she's not really as anti Trump as she should be, especially considering, you know, her own sexuality and that of her daughter.

[Lauren Miller]

Yeah.

[Krystal]

So, yes, I completely agree. That then would have been the time to have this conversation. Probably for me, that would have been the first really big time to do that. Deciding to let it go. But to say, okay, my stepson, bonus son, however you phrase it, can't hang out with this child or can't go over there no more. That's also fair.

[Lauren Miller]

Mm.

[Krystal]

Because. Well, is it.

[Lauren Miller]

If you still have a relationship with this person.

[Krystal]

Well, I'm saying it's fair for. It's fair to say this is who you are. Yeah. And this is. This is the place I'm going to put you in, in my mind, because you've shown me that this is who you are. Okay. So we've been friends since middle school. I don't really want to cut that off, but I'm going to keep you at a certain distance, and I'm going to make sure my son can't go over there no more. It's not the choice I would make, but I think it's a fair enough choice.

[Lauren Miller]

But isn't that exhausting?

[Krystal]

I would think so.

[Lauren Miller]

That's exhausting.

[Krystal]

Cause I can't pretend that I'm not pissed.

[Lauren Miller]

No, I can't.

[Krystal]

No.

[Lauren Miller]

At that point, it's like, my child ain't coming over here, and neither am I. Right.

[Krystal]

Right. Because if I don't feel safe with my child over here, then I don't feel safe with my me over here. Yes.

[Lauren Miller]

And that's why her family is over it by now.

[Krystal]

To everybody. Everybody's exhausted.

[Lauren Miller]

You're the only one that's not exhausted. Be exhausted with us.

[Krystal]

Be exhausted with us, baby. The Beyonce thing, that would have been my final straw, too. Well, no, the Trump thing would have been mine. But it can be really helpful to just have the conversation, like, okay, girl, I'm laying it all out. This is how I feel about our relationship. And if I have to walk away from this friendship that I've had for most of my life, that'll be really sad, but gotta go. Then we. You know, people grow up and grow apart all the time.

[Lauren Miller]

You always have the memories of the anime and being witches.

[Krystal]

Whatever witch shit y' all did, which you didn't. What?

[Lauren Miller]

She didn't expound.

[Krystal]

We were witches.

[Lauren Miller]

Okay. Don't cast a spell on us. Right?

[Krystal]

You should have cast your. How did y'. All. What? Okay. No, don't tell me. But it can be really helpful to just be like, okay, I'mma lay it all out. This is what it is. JanSport, how do you feel? And I think there's probably a 5% chance that JanSport is gonna reply in a way that'll make you feel like, okay, we can continue.

[Lauren Miller]

We can continue again.

[Krystal]

Yeah, no, she's probably gonna be very defensive, and she. Well, I told you my son can't do this.

[Lauren Miller]

She told you that? If Taylor Swift.

[Krystal]

Oh, Baby in the market is not.

[Lauren Miller]

Country, then you don't know what country is.

[Krystal]

Ma', am, I think we already know how this is gonna go. Ma', am. Ma'. Am. Taylor Swift is from Pennsylvania. I'm not gonna let. I'm from Oklahoma. You not finna tell me. I legit used to listen to, like, get in the car and turn on the country music station. Like, I know country. I love country. I agree with angel that Cowboy Carter is country inspired. Yes, there are some songs that are far more especially traditional country than others, but even Beyonce said, this is not a country album. It's a Beyonce album. Yes. So you were dead on about this is a country inspired for her to open her mouth about it when she ain't even heard it. Now, see, I'm a big Beyonce fan, so that would have pissed me off.

[Lauren Miller]

That's why I said the line was the Beyonce. She said, we're done, ma'.

[Krystal]

Am. Right?

[Lauren Miller]

We're done. If we don't talk about this, we never have to speak again.

[Krystal]

Right. If you think early Taylor Swift isn't country, then you don't know country, bitch.

[Lauren Miller]

You know me. Did we grow up the same place? I thought we knew each other.

[Krystal]

Now all of a sudden, you don't know me well enough to know whether I know country.

[Lauren Miller]

You're right. They were never friends. She was never her friend. This is what I'm saying. She was never her friend.

[Krystal]

I don't think she was ever really her friend. It might have just been, you know, I'm being nice to the one black girl that likes anime with me. Yes. Cause we both like anime. And I listen to rock music and I live in the suburbs, so my only choice is mostly white friends. But I'm really on the side of the people in your life who are over her at this point, telling me I don't know country because I said Taylor Swift.

[Lauren Miller]

And her.

[Krystal]

She wears tank tops and I'm on the bleachers or whatever the fuck because I said that shit isn't real country.

[Lauren Miller]

Life of a showgirl.

[Krystal]

Now, I don't. Now, see, I don't even think Taylor is pretending to be country no more. I think even Taylor has let it go at this point. But no, you. You've had so many opportunities. This woman has shown you time and time again. I'm sure there's other examples of how she really is who she really is. And at some point, you gonna have to believe her, babe. Yeah. Thank God for your black bff, right? Where you can just be yourself.

[Lauren Miller]

Be yourself. And I know you've. You be venting about JanSport.

[Krystal]

Yes. Your black best friend is like, when you gonna let JanSport go, girl? That's been middle school. That was sixth grade. We could let her go, girl.

[Lauren Miller]

Girl. We don't need her.

[Krystal]

Right? And this idea of like, JanSport not liking to have serious conversations, baby. So then how are you going to have serious relationships? How are you gonna have deep friendships? How are you gonna have anything that extends beyond the surface if you don't like having real conversations?

[Lauren Miller]

How can you raise your kids in the same space if y' all don't talk about serious things?

[Krystal]

Literally. Literally. Because Trump is Extremely serious.

[Lauren Miller]

Very serious. When serious things happens between the children. How are we gonna discuss it if we don't even discuss that stuff?

[Krystal]

Right?

[Lauren Miller]

How are they gonna discuss it?

[Krystal]

Please listen to Lauren, because she telling you like this. This is not somebody I think that you can have a deeper relationship with. And so I think the friendship has run its course. Sorry to hear it. Genuinely am.

[Lauren Miller]

It ain't nothing. Cut that bitch off.

[Krystal]

Well, you know, it sounds like it might actually be a little hard for you to cut this bitch off, but it's necessary. Cause she is. She doesn't sound like she's a redeemable as far as the friendship goes.

[Lauren Miller]

No.

[Krystal]

No. It doesn't sound redeemable to me.

[Lauren Miller]

It's a no for me, doll.

[Krystal]

So no. It's a no, Angela. But thank you for writing in and best of luck moving forward. Lauren, thank you so much for joining me on the couch today.

[Lauren Miller]

Thank you for having me. Crystal, please tell the people where they.

[Krystal]

Can find your wonderful collective and all the things you do.

[Lauren Miller]

My Instagram is laurenlovesu. The U is Y E W, though.

[Krystal]

So it's like U. Oh, you like Baltimore?

[Lauren Miller]

U. Yeah.

[Krystal]

Okay. I love that.

[Lauren Miller]

Yeah. And then my nonprofit. Actually, you can find. Find us at prnyc. Npo.

[Krystal]

Yes.

[Lauren Miller]

So it's purpose reboot.

[Krystal]

Okay.

[Lauren Miller]

And we're in New York, and we're a nonprofit organization.

[Krystal]

So wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing your time and your insight with us today on the couch. Thank you. Appreciate you being here, girly Pop.

[Lauren Miller]

I had fun.

[Krystal]

I'm so glad you'll have to come back and do it again. I would love to. Okay. Amazing. All right, y', all, that's gonna wrap up this week's episode of Crystal Couch. Follow us online at Chrysalis Couch, and if you have a question for me, send it to advicerislescouch.com we'll see you next week.