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- [00:02]
A
Hey, y', all, and welcome back to Krystal's Couch. I'm so excited today to be doing another episode of Answering youg Letters. And here to help me is Mia Quinn Maddox. She's a storyteller and creative who has worked across fashion, music, film, and tv. I'm so honored to have her in the studio today. Mia, tell the people a little bit more about you.
- [00:23]
B
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. I'm so greatly appreciative. But me, I am Mia Quinn Maddox. Some people know me as Mia Quinn. I used to be a stylist years ago in the music industry. I dressed 50 Cent, Lloyd Banks, Mobb Deep, Soulja Boy, Keisha Cole. I mean, the list goes on and on. I'm sure there's tons of videos or tours that I've worked on that you've been to. And then there's also people who know me as Mia Maddox, who just recently. I'm saying who. I'm talking in third person, but I worked in film and television for the last decade, and I've worked with some amazing actors like Nicholas from For Life and Regina King and Forest Whitaker and Il Finesh Hadara. And I got to work with Spike Lee, and, I mean, it was an amazing journey. And my podcast, now, Mia Quinn Maddox, host of New and In Between Podcast, was birthed from the strike that my industry went through. And it didn't just shift my industry in such a way that I've been out of work for the last year. In the last decade, I've never not worked maybe two weeks, and that was by choice, but I have not worked in one full year. And that's just. I mean, I didn't feel like that was a shift. I felt like that was an end. So I'm working on. You know, I was working on my podcast, and now I'm pouring into my podcast. I'm relaunching my, you know, styling services to everyday people, celebrities. I've given you enough. I'm ready to work on everyday people. I have so many people telling me that they don't like their arms, and. And I'm like, how don't you like something that's attached to your own body? Like, let me show you how to, like your arms.
- [02:00]
A
Yeah.
- [02:01]
B
So I'm doing all those things and just trying to navigate my new unemployed life, which means budgeting and being broke. That's where I'm at right now. Mia Quinn Maddox. Navigating, being a podcast host and creating new lanes for myself. So Here I am. Thank you. Thank you for having me.
- [02:21]
A
Wonderful. Yes. We're happy to have you here on the couch. I'm excited to hear some of your perspective with these letters, but, yeah, let's dive right in. All right, cool.
- [02:29]
B
Let's see. All right, so we're gonna start with Georgia.
- [02:32]
A
Okay.
- [02:33]
B
Georgia. Georgia. Dear Crystal, A few years ago, our mother passed away, and now I'm caring for my disabled brother. My sister is always asking or dry begging for money, help with her rent, food, stuff for her kids, et cetera. Initially, I didn't mind helping because I was making way more money than I am now. I'm living on a fixed income, and it seems like that doesn't matter to her. I've told her over and over again that I can't keep doing this and this is my last time, but it goes in one ear and out the other. I'm also the only person in the family with a car since hers has been repossessed. I have to take them almost everywhere because they don't live by a bus line and don't have money for Ubers. She's on disability and works from time to time, but ends up quitting. She has an attitude problem and not many people get along with her. We're still going?
- [03:31]
A
Yeah.
- [03:32]
B
The other day, her ex husband didn't give her $40 and he dropped off their child. She called me hysterical and demanded that I call him and tell him that she owes me the money so he would send it. Wow. Okay. I refused and said that she didn't have to pay me back. She screams, I still want the money anyway. It really upset me that she tried to put me in between her and her ex husband like that. Whatever money he gives or doesn't give her is none of my business. A couple of days later, I took my niece to get her birth certificate and my sister wondered how she was paying for it. My niece let her know that I was paying, and my sister rudely said, oh, she's helping you, but can't help anybody else, mind you. This month alone, I have given her over $100. The entitlement is blowing my mind. I can't do this anymore. I want to cut ties with her, but I don't know how to maneuver because of the kids. We were raised to help each other because we were all we had. This situation on top of being a family caregiver 24, 7 is too much stress. I feel like a workhorse for this family, and sometimes I wish I could just run away and start life Over. I feel like I'm living a life that was expected of me that I do not want. What should I do, Georgia? Woo.
- [05:00]
A
That's a lot.
- [05:01]
B
That was a lot to read and I'm glad I got those words right.
- [05:06]
A
Georgia has a lot going on.
- [05:08]
B
Wow.
- [05:09]
A
So she said their mother passed away. Now she's caring for their disabled brother.
- [05:14]
B
Yes.
- [05:14]
A
So then my first question would be, who is helping you take care of your disabled brother? Sounds like Georgia is probably experiencing burnout from a few different directions. So the same way that your community leans on you for all of this help, you need to lean on they asses right back. This is everybody's brother. Everybody knows he's disabled and can't care for himself. So this is everybody's responsibility. I think Georgia should probably start off by being really open and honest with her family about how much support her brother needs so that she can get some help here. What do you think?
- [05:52]
B
Yeah, I agree. I feel like living with someone with a disability, that's already a feat in its own. So people also don't know that you need help unless you ask. Yes, we've taken on the role of being superwoman. And then when we are superwoman and people are looking at us like, well, you superwoman. And we looking like we need help. But you have to learn to ask for help. No one's not helping you cause you're not asking. So try that.
- [06:16]
A
Right. And your sister has no problem opening.
- [06:19]
B
Her mouth and asking for closed mouths don't get fed.
- [06:22]
A
They don't. And she has continued to be fed and driven around and whatever else she needs because she has no problem opening up her mouth and asking you for that assistance. So Georgia also said that she tells her sister over and over, like, this is the last time I can help. I mean it. I can't really do all that, blah, blah, blah. But is it really the last time that you help? Like it sounds like you say that, but then she asks again and you write back to helping or overextending yourself, giving money. You don't really have that sort of thing. So I think for you, Georgia, I would definitely recommend some boundaries here. You might need to be a little bit clearer about what you can do and what you are willing to do since this isn't a relationship where, you know, you want to cut ties. She still wants to have connections with her nieces and nephews, understandably. But you need to have a real conversation with her, like Mia said, about the resentment you're fear in addition to the care that your Brother needs that. You need other people to pitch in with. I think it's very possible to express empathy for your sister in her situation and be firm about what you need to take care of yourself. This is really how we advocate for ourselves while we still are in community with others and we don't, you know, feel like we're abandoning them or not caring about them anymore. Your sister's going through a lot. She's on disability. I don't know what level of disabled she is or anything behind that, but she works from time to time. So no steady employment. Sounds like her ex husband is maybe kind of there with the kids, but she's the primary caretaker. Her car's repossessed. So again, financial stability isn't there. The transportation ability to get herself around isn't there. So you can have empathy for your sister and the struggles that she has while also being like. And at the same time, I too am on a fixed income. And not only am I on a fixed income, I'm the full time caretaker for our disabled brother. So it's not, it's not bank of Georgia over here. I don't have it to just be given out. And I mean that. And you having an attitude with me because I'm going to take your daughter, my niece, to get her birth certificate and talking about, well, I can't help. No, you can't help nobody else. Girl, I do help you all the time. That's why you mad at me now. Because like the wealth has one dry entitlement.
- [08:42]
B
When people say, oh, they're entitled, in order to be entitled, you have to give them the title. Take the title back.
- [08:48]
A
Okay, now I like that.
- [08:49]
B
Learn how to say no.
- [08:50]
A
I like that.
- [08:51]
B
No, for me, when I started, like when my income shifted and I'm an auntie of two nephews who live a very exorbitant life, these kids. Yes, I've contributed. So when I'm now into this new mode of new money, I had to explain to them and I explained to them in dollars and cents, that's the only way they understand. I used to make this. Yes, 30% of taxes went. This is how much my. Sorry, my taxes was. This is what's left over. This is my rent, this is my car note. You see that nice little car out there? That's, you know, I had to break it down to them because they don't understand. They just think you have money and now they get it. So don't ask me. No.
- [09:31]
A
The answer is no.
- [09:32]
B
Absolutely not. No.
- [09:34]
A
Yes. Most of us want to help our families, but we also have to take care of ourselves. And you, it sounds like, Georgia, you are very used to overextending yourself and going above and beyond for everybody else. And back when you made more money, it was less of an issue. But now that things are different, you necessarily have to tighten up because you have to be cared for as well. And it's not like your sister is going to step up and do it. It sound like your sister is just going to take whatever she needs whenever you give it, and then go on about her business. So what I would suggest to you is reframing in your mind the context around these situations so you feel less like you're trapped in a situation. Like, you said something along the lines of, I have to drive everybody around because they don't live by a bus and they don't have Ubers, or, you know, you have to take care of your brother, even, which that might not feel like it's a negotiable situation. And I'm not saying you should abandon your disabled brother, but even though something may not be much of a choice, it still is a choice. And this is the thing. This is something that happened that I learned in therapy that really helped me a lot. I would think, oh, my God, I have to do this or I'm forced to do that, or I'm working with this person and they do this and blah, blah, blah, like, I'm stuck here. No, I'm not. I'm choosing to care for my disabled brother because I don't want him in an institution somewhere or something like that. I'm choosing to drive my family members, even though, you know, they don't have access other places. Like, I'm. I'm making the choice to go out of my way to help them because I want my nieces and nephews to be able to do the things they want to do, et cetera. It can really help you to kind of alleviate some of this stress around it when you say to yourself, I'm not stuck doing this. I'm choosing to do this. And at any point, I can choose to not do this. I can stop whenever I want to. I don't have to be in this situation again. There is nothing wrong with helping family. People need each other. You said, you know, y' all were raised to take care of each other. That's a great thing. But y' all were raised to take care of each other. It sounds like you the only one doing the caring. That's why it feels uneven. That's why the resentment is growing. Um, if so, again, I think it's so important to be open about the support you need in caring for your brother. You should. That should not all be on you. Look for local or online support groups for caretakers, because a lot of you may also be having feelings of resentment towards your brother because he can't care for himself and needs that. Those are natural feelings that come up, and you need a place to put that. Don't swallow those feelings or keep them to yourself. I think it's important to share that with others so you can get the support you need mentally and physically.
- [12:30]
B
No, I agree. And also, too, it's like, be grateful that you're the strongest sister you can be. Your sister. You know, be grateful that you're the strongest sister that you're the one that could kind of help her on.
- [12:42]
A
You said be glad you. Not that one.
- [12:43]
B
No. But sometimes when you look at a situation in that way, like, you know, they say too much is given, much is required. Right. So sometimes when you're the stronger sibling or you're. You never know when you're gonna be weak sister. So take care of your sister, but you gotta give her boundaries. Tell her, no, you don't have to do everything like you. And if you look at it in a way of like, you know, I know I lead my family, so I make decisions based on, okay, I know what I would do for me, but I'm not living for me. Because it's not even about me. I'm already halfway. If I make it, I think 90 is gonna be my cutoff. God willing. But I'm 45, so I've done. I'm halfway there. So for me, I'm just like, listen, my next half, I gotta make sure that my two nephews have something to. So I'm not thinking about myself anymore. And when you kind of take yourself out of it, because sometimes we get very selfish. Like, I'm doing this. I'm doing this. I'm doing this. But you're not asking for help. You're not saying no.
- [13:38]
A
Right.
- [13:39]
B
So who's doing that?
- [13:40]
A
Yes.
- [13:41]
B
You know, take your title back.
- [13:42]
A
Yes.
- [13:42]
B
And start delegating. Start being the boss that you are. Because obviously, if everyone's coming to you, there's something about yourself that makes you a leader. Use your leadership capabilities and tell people what to do. I'm sorry, I can't pick you up today. You can't go here because you. You. You know, however she structured it, whatever she does.
- [14:00]
A
Yeah.
- [14:00]
B
But, Georgia, you need to Start saying no. Yes and no. That's it. Start with that.
- [14:06]
A
No, I fully agree. I really like that. Take your title back. People feeling entitled because you have allowed them to feel entitled. And sometimes we get into this, especially if you were raised to take care of everybody. Georgia, you might be the oldest daughter, in which case I overly understand, but you may have been raised to just constantly subject yourself to whatever anybody else needs. And putting what you need last. It's time to switch that around. You cannot be a good caretaker to your brother if you don't take care of yourself. You cannot have a healthy relationship with your sister if you allow her to run all over you and you never tell her no. So I love that. I'm finna be using that. You gonna hear that again.
- [14:48]
B
There you go.
- [14:48]
A
There you go. Take your title back. Cause that's a good one.
- [14:51]
B
He's entitled. Well, who did it? You know you did it by always going. Because people are gonna. There's users in. There's people who get used. There's givers and there's takers. The ebbs and flow of that have to be. You gotta match to somebody. So for me, I'm like, all right, I'm gonna be a giver and a taker. So then I attract people who are givers and takers. And we not misusing each other. But I know how to say no. Family or not. Absolutely not. Sorry. No.
- [15:17]
A
And we are supposed to be that. We're supposed to be givers and takers. That's how relationships work. It's supposed to be a back and forth. But this is, you know, everything is going forth and now it's coming back.
- [15:27]
B
But you're also not setting a boundary and saying.
- [15:28]
A
Because you're not speaking up.
- [15:29]
B
Yeah, you have to for yourself. Cause you can't pour from an empty cup. You're gonna be dry, and then everyone's gonna be dry. It's like sometimes you gotta tell people no so that you could replenish, fill yourself back up. And then you give them from what is overflowing.
- [15:43]
A
Yes.
- [15:44]
B
You don't pour from your cup. So if you empty, what are you gonna. If you don't have nothing else. You done gave her all your money. You done gave your brother all your time. You done took them kids. Now you ain't got no car yourself. What are you gonna do, Georgia?
- [15:57]
A
Where is the time for you? Who's pouring into you, Georgia? That's what we saying. Listen, you gotta have something for yourself, baby. You'll fall right apart without that part. Yeah, Best of luck to you. Let us know how it goes. Who's next? Mia.
- [16:13]
B
All right, let's see. All right, so next we have Capri. Hey, Krystal. My best friend of 20 years is finally having her miracle baby. After back to back miscarriages and a stillbirth. Her journey has been traumatic to say the least. So this is a huge, long awaited blessing. She has asked me to be the godmother and I am elated for her and her husband. Next month she'll be having her baby shower in our hometown. A deep red city in a deep red state. I have not been back home since leaving for college over 20 years ago. And I vowed never to return. I have a lot of trauma and terrible memories there. I want to just suck it up and show up for my friend for being show up for my friend for her big moment. But my entire body is in knots and the idea of returning home at the idea of returning home. I didn't sleep at all last night. And for the first time in years, I'm experiencing debilitating anxiety. The idea of me having to interact with people in an environment that caused me so much harm is unsettling. Bestie and I have discussed some of my trauma from home before, but I didn't think she's aware. I don't think she's aware of how deep it runs. Honestly, I'm surprised myself by how triggered I've become since receiving the invitation. I can't imagine not being there for her for such an important moment. But I just know that returning home is going to seriously set me back mentally. And I've worked so hard to improve my mental health. I thought I was finally at a place in life where I was comfortable choosing me and my need, my own needs first. But now I feel like a failure all over again because I can't cope with the idea of disappointing her. I booked a flight and hotel, but it's in the back of my mind I know I'm going to cancel and that's going to create a whole new slew of drama and mess with the very people I'm trying to avoid. I would appreciate any advice or suggestions you might have. How can I support my BFF at such an important time in her life without betraying myself? I feel stuck. Thanks, Capri.
- [18:31]
A
This is hard. The back to back miscarriages and stillbirths. So of course they're very much. They're excited for this rainbow baby. It's a big celebration. This is your best friend of 20 years. So you've Been with her through those low moments. You know how major this is for her. So you sound, Capri. Like, this is all, but I'm going to cancel. And you might. I'm going to get into if you do and if you don't. So I would say if you can try to go anyway, just because of what a huge moment this is. But I would say also feel free to avoid the people and the environments that are problematic for you. You can go back home and not call nobody. You don't have to see anybody you don't want to see. You don't have to go back to a childhood home. If people hit you up because they see you in town, you can ignore them. It sounds like you still have a relationship with some of the people who traumatized you, which is very common. There's no judgment here for that. But you can learn to keep your distance even though you're still in a relationship with them, because you really don't fuck with them like that. Everybody's not at the point where they like, okay, I'm cutting you off, I'm cutting you off. We're not speaking no more. That's fine. But you learn to keep your distance when you have relationships that are stressful in that way. But if this is, I think the next thing probably you're gonna have to do is sit down and talk to your friend about this. So Capri said, Bestie and I have discussed some of my trauma from home before, but she doesn't really know the details, right? No, she died. She's not aware of how deep it goes. If she doesn't know about how bad it was for you growing up, I think you're gonna have to tell her. Tell her that there is nothing you would rather do. Like, I would rather not be anywhere on this planet than at your baby shower helping you celebrate and get ready for this new child, especially. Cause I'm finna be the godmother. Yeah, of course I want to be there. There is nothing I would rather do. And I am losing sleep over the idea of going back to this town. You might have to get vulnerable, which this is your best friend, so you're probably comfortable doing that. But you might have to give details about what you've experienced growing up in order for her to really understand. But this is a huge thing to miss out on.
- [21:02]
B
Yeah, I agree.
- [21:03]
A
Right. So I was gonna ask what you think about that.
- [21:05]
B
Yeah, I totally agree. I feel like you know how big it is. You've already laid all the pieces out of the puzzle. You already know that this is a big thing for your friend. But one thing that stood out to me in her letter was that she said that she's done a lot of work and now she feels like a failure. What I need to say to Capri is that maybe you need to do more work, because when you. I used to do this thing out of sight, out of mind. I could cut somebody off. You could do all kind of whatever, but out of sight, out of mind. When you don't see the person, when you don't follow, when you're not around a person, you don't. You think that you're over it, or you think that you've done the work and you think that you, oh, I've grown and I'm this. And then when you're put back around that person, your whole body reacts, Just.
- [21:51]
A
Tense up and you get mad.
- [21:53]
B
That's bitterness. Yeah. Bitterness is like me drinking the poison and thinking that you're gonna die. So now when I get around you, the poison in me starts to react throughout my body. And it means that you're not healed from it just because you've done work. Work is continuous.
- [22:08]
A
Yes, it is.
- [22:08]
B
You gotta forgive, they say forgive to forget. You have to forgive that person over and over and over and over and over and over and over until you forget it. I forget people, literally forget people. I bump into people into situations. Like, I. I had a fight with a friend, a bff, when we were in high school. She held onto it way far into the way of. I don't even know how old we was. I forgot about her, forgot about the fight and everything. And she befriended me again so that she could betray me. Right?
- [22:38]
A
Oh, wow.
- [22:39]
B
That's how deep that was.
- [22:41]
A
My goodness.
- [22:42]
B
People hold onto things. And it always made me think about, Damn, I didn't think about my friend. Like, if this is your friend, sometimes you gotta take yourself out of yourself. Pack that up, put it to the side for right now. Be a big girl and go support your friend, but have that conversation. I do agree having the conversation is important because people don't know. And the only way they do know is if you tell them. So if you really explain to her, like, hey, X, Y and Z happened. Like, I'm not really ready to deal with this right now. And if this is your friend and she should be able to understand, and all the other drama and all the stuff that comes along with it, that means you still got stuff to clean up.
- [23:20]
A
Yes.
- [23:20]
B
If you could go back to a place and it gives you that much. It's gonna give you that much drama and it's making you not sleep. You still have some cleaning up to do.
- [23:27]
A
Yes, and there's nothing wrong with that. Healing is a long process for most of us, and it depends on, like, you didn't give any details here, but you could have gone through some really horrific stuff where it makes complete sense that you don't wanna go back to that town. But again, if you want your friend to understand, you gonna have to talk to her about it and share those kind of details. I think I also was struck by that, you know, she feels like a failure thing. You're not a failure because you thought that you were in this one place and then you are now presented with this scenario and you're like, oh, I'm not as healed as I thought. That's not failure. That just means you're not as far into your healing journey as you thought you were. There's nothing wrong with that. You know, you're working on yourself. And it can take a while to get comfortable with disappointing people, letting them down, not living up to what they thought you would do or be. And this. This is really more towards, you know, whoever these people are that are back home. That's, you know, it's gonna cause a bunch of drama and mess if you miss this baby shower. Those people can just. They can have they drama and mess.
- [24:37]
B
That part that don't have to have.
- [24:38]
A
Nothing to do with you.
- [24:39]
B
That part.
- [24:40]
A
Let them have it. Let them type on Facebook and send.
- [24:43]
B
Their little chat and like them.
- [24:45]
A
Yes, absolutely. You can ignore their texts and phone calls and whatever other bids for your intentions.
- [24:52]
B
Block is the best thing iPhone ever made. And it's so easy to do. Block. I block my mother sometimes. I'm like, you can.
- [25:02]
A
Cause I can hear you right now.
- [25:03]
B
Yeah, I can't. And I'm a responder, so when I see it, I gotta respond. So if I block it, then you don't respond. You don't even know it's there.
- [25:10]
A
Right? There's nothing for me to respond to you.
- [25:12]
B
You better use that good old blessing of the block.
- [25:14]
A
Cause listen, sometimes it's literally like.
- [25:19]
B
I.
- [25:19]
A
Would love to ignore this message, but you texting me put me in such a place that part that I. It's thrown off my whole day. You and your friend, y' all deserve better than that. So this is. That's really advice for if you are like, okay, I'm a suck it up and try to go ignore all the people. Block them in advance. If you need to hide. You hide yourself or block them on social media. Whatever you need to do to protect your peace in order to show up for your friend. But if the thought of going is still too much for you to handle, again, we don't know what you went through there, so hopefully you're able to talk to your friend about it and she understands. But again, this goes back to being really transparent with her about what you've experienced, because this is a huge moment in her life with all the loss and everything. This is big. And maybe there's something else you can do to make up for it. I don't know if she still lives there and you moved away or maybe the both of you are in the city.
- [26:13]
B
She moved away.
- [26:14]
A
She's the only one who moved away. Because I was gonna say, if y' all are in the same city, maybe you can have a baby shower, like just in y' all city with the people she knows there, her co workers, maybe, something like that. Or y' all can do something special, just the two of you. You know, like a mommy's day out where y' all go to brunch or something.
- [26:32]
B
Yeah, but talk to her because, you know. You know. You know, some sometimes when we. We don't know. If you tell me, I'm like, okay, I'm your friend. I could take that in consideration. All right, let's just do our own thing. But she won't know enough unless you say, right. And she might be down. I mean, like, look, I would love a side bar. Friends don't have all these people touching on me, you know? Yeah.
- [26:54]
A
Rubbing on my belly and stuff.
- [26:56]
B
Exactly.
- [26:56]
A
I do need a break from that, actually. That's a great point that you brought up that, you know, it's the. Whether people understand where we're coming from has so much to do with how we talk to them and what we share with them. Of course I would want my best friend, godmother of my baby to be at my baby shower. But if she says, girl, I can't go back to Oklahoma because da da da da da happened to me, and just the thought of it, I'm losing sleep. I'm a rational person. I'm an adult woman. I understand that. And I don't want you to hurt yourself for the sake of my baby shower either. So communication here, I think, is gonna be really, really key for you, whether you decide to go or not, just so that you don't end up, you know. Cause I could definitely see your friend having really hurt feelings if you were Like, I just can't go.
- [27:44]
B
Especially if she saying, like, it's gonna follow with drama and this and all these things. So if you have this conversation with your friend, at least you'll know what it is. And maybe she may not be understanding, but you have to be ready for that too. She may be acceptable or, you know, open to whatever it is that you're saying, and she may not. And then at that point, you have to now make another decision, because what's more important to you?
- [28:07]
A
Yes.
- [28:07]
B
You gotta really think about what's more important to you. Put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel if she missed your baby shower? After all, you know, after all that you've been through to get to where you are? So you gotta think of it in the way of, like, how would you. How would you feel if she missed out for something for you? And then have the conversation with him? Be ready for either way, whichever way it goes.
- [28:28]
A
Right. You're right about that. It could go either way. And maybe she won't be so understanding, but that is the risk we take in any kind of relationship, friendship or otherwise. Like, this is just something you're gonna have to be open with about communicating, and hopefully it works out.
- [28:48]
B
I know.
- [28:48]
A
I hope so.
- [28:49]
B
I hope so.
- [28:50]
A
That's a sticky situation. I hate that for you. But let us know how the conversation with her goes. Capri, thank you so much for the letter. All right, Ms. Mia, who's next?
- [29:00]
B
All right, let's see who we got next. We have Angie. Stone cold Steve Harvey. Hey, Chrystal. Hope you enjoy my obnoxiously long name. Inspired by Jade, of course.
- [29:13]
A
Of course.
- [29:15]
B
When listening to the first episode of Crystal's Couch, a lot of things came to light for me. While I listened to you discuss your own dealings with depression, therapy, and the healing process, it finally clicked to me that there is a way out of just existing with Depressant. I think I was so used to living with this condition as if it was a part of me versus a mental health illness. My dilemma is that I struggle to actually admit to my therapist when I'm struggling. I have been in therapy off and on since 2018. I had a great therapist who has really helped me through some challenging times. But over time, I felt like the lines began to blur and she was no longer my therapist and. But more like a friend. I started to feel that she would judge me for regressing in my therapeutic journey. So I knew it was time to end that relationship. When I was pregnant, I was having a hard time with depression. So I began seeing another provider. We established a rapport and I feel that while it's easy to talk about certain issues like my relationship or work, I'm once again having a hard time admitting that I'm struggling. I meet with her bi weekly due to my busy schedule and my main issue, which is my depression seeping back in and making me feel absolutely awful on some days. I am so used to appearing functional while going through major depression episodes that I don't even know how to take off the mask. This is similar in friendships, family relationships, and even my romantic relationships. I end up feeling so isolated, but I know I'm doing it to myself. Is there any advice on how to let a 30 plus year old guard down and become more vulnerable for the sake of my sanity and getting help. Sincerely, Angie. Stone cold Steve Harvey.
- [31:19]
A
This is Jade's fault. Y' all with them names. This is all Jade's fault. Angie, thank you for your letter. I would say because you are having this issue with two different therapists where you feel like, oh, this is more of a friend than a therapist and I think maybe you'll judge me. I'm inclined to think this is more of your feelings and less of the therapist's individual behavior. But I want to reassure you. One of the main things that we learn in therapy school is that healing is not linear. That's like first semester therapists are supposed to have the patience to help you deal with the ups and downs. You know, I feel like I'm taking three steps forward and then taking two steps back. That whole up and down process. Therapists are trained to help you with that. You will not be disappointing your therapist by not being perfect. They are not expecting that of you and they are actually anticipating that you will have bumps in the road. They know that getting to a place of good mental health is not a straightforward line. I have been seeing my therapist for almost nine years because healing is not linear. It takes time. I have, you know, when I first went to therapy, it was like, ooh, this, this, this, this, this. And then you. I got to a place where it was like, I'm. I feel like I'm overwhelmed with trying to process all the things that have happened to me and trying to heal from them. And there are times where you have to take a break. I never took a break from seeing my therapist, but every day is not like, okay, let me get up and think about how I'm going to do the absolute best for my mental health and, you know, everything. That's exactly Right. For my healing. No, we're human. We're not always going to just follow the steps and do the right thing and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I want to reassure you, if you need that reassurance that your therapist is not going to be disappointed or angry or upset with you because you have depression and you're struggling. Do you. I'm not sure if you have much experience with therapy.
- [33:25]
B
No, I do. I've been in therapy. After I got let go from my job in December, I had started going, but I started going weekly because I feel like I was going through so much myself that I just needed someone to help me process, like, you know, and kind of walk me through and even just to listen. Because sometimes people think that therapy is me talk, but sometimes them just listening helps me to figure out. Sometimes I'll be talking to my therapist and I'm like, oh, blah, blah, blah. And then it's like, then the aha comes to myself.
- [34:00]
A
Yep.
- [34:00]
B
And then I'll say it to her and then like, she'll reassure me like, okay, well now, you know, you're making the right, you know, whatever the case may be. I feel like we give friends the word friend. Such a, A stone cold definition. Your therapist does become your friend. There's different ways to think of friends. They're not you, you know that they're your friend in the way of they're helping you become better. You know that you're not gonna ever go out with them, you're not hanging out with them, you're not calling them, but they're there to help you in a way. Aren't your friends supposed to be there to help you in a way? If you take that mind that, that idea out of your mind, like, oh, you know, you, maybe you gotta change your definition of friend. Because if someone is telling you that you're regressing and you want your friends to be yes men, like, you have to think about it in that way. Like your therapist is, is, is your friend. But do you think you're, is that how you conduct your friendships?
- [35:00]
A
Right.
- [35:00]
B
You know, do if your friends are telling you that you're doing something wrong or do you stop being friends with them? You know, does that, that. That's just the question. It kind of made me think, like, maybe you need to question a little bit of like your friendships to, and, and maybe reclassify what friends is. Because I have tons of friends. Like, you know, I have friends that I only go to dinner with. I have friends that I Only go on hikes with. I have friends that, you know, that know my whole life. I know friends that, you know. You have co workers who you. I'm at work 12 hours a day, 14 hours a day. You become friends, but you're not, you know, breaking bread or, you know, spend a night at each other's house. But it's still considered your work friend.
- [35:39]
A
Yeah.
- [35:40]
B
You know, if we give more title, you know, a little more branches to friend, then maybe she feel so bad about the person, you know, thinking like, oh, this is my friend. You're not gonna hang out with her.
- [35:50]
A
Yeah, no, definitely not. It's not a two way sort of relationship, but I think I see what you're saying. I would. I think my issue here is that you seem to be afraid that the therapist is gonna judge you because you're not doing everything exactly right or because you're struggling with your mental health or whatever. But that is the last thing a therapist should be doing. And to Mia's point, it does make me wonder, like, where you. Have you been judged before? Like, yeah, it's usually something behind it.
- [36:20]
B
Right.
- [36:20]
A
In childhood where you weren't allowed to be imperfect, where you were held to these impossible standards. And now you, like, you're kind of taking that experience that you've had before and assuming that other people in authority positions are gonna treat you the same way. That might be true for you. It might not. But that's definitely not something a therapist should be doing. And it doesn't even sound like you've experienced it. It just sounds like you're so afraid of experiencing it that you' not even being honest with them anymore. But not being fully honest with your therapist really only hurts you. This is only holding you back. Yeah. So if it's that much of a struggle for you, then I would say just try spitting it out. Say something like, it's hard for me to tell you how I'm really feeling because I'm scared of being judged.
- [37:05]
B
That's a good one. And that's being honest. And then. And then they could take that.
- [37:09]
A
Yes.
- [37:09]
B
And. And help you to unpack that, but you can't. What's not transformed will be transferred. So if you don't. If you don't put it out there.
- [37:19]
A
Listen, you owe it.
- [37:20]
B
That's. Listen, that's from. I listen to a lot of church.
- [37:24]
A
Okay.
- [37:25]
B
You know, you get all the stains from church.
- [37:26]
A
I was gonna say this sound like.
- [37:27]
B
It came from the pulpit because it makes so much sense, though. It's like we pretend and Then we expect people to help us. If you cannot be your whole entire self to your therapist, someone who does not know you, that you're paying to listen to you, that you could tell them whatever you want. Want. There is a law that they. You. They can't repeat anything that you say.
- [37:46]
A
Right.
- [37:46]
B
You don't know them. I don't even know my therapist's last name. Only by the. I don't even want to know. I don't even want to know her. Like, you understand what I'm saying? So it's like, I get that. I don't even want to. I don't want to even know her name. But you just gotta. You gotta be honest with yourself. You can't. No one can help you if you're hiding it.
- [38:05]
A
Yes.
- [38:05]
B
What's hiding is it stays inside of you. So it's gonna come out some way or the other, which form or fashion. And there's also too nothing wrong with. With switching up your therapist. You gotta find someone who you feel works for you. I've went through a few therapists. You know, I've had some that I was like, oh, I absolutely don't like this person.
- [38:23]
A
Yeah.
- [38:23]
B
Like, instantly didn't like them, or, you know, after a few sessions, I was like, you know, they're not really for me. So it's nothing wrong with switching out your therapist and trying one until you feel like, you know, this is a person that works for you. But you got to be honest with.
- [38:35]
A
Yes.
- [38:35]
B
When I said I was gonna do therapy, I had to say to myself, all right, girl, every secret that's down in there, I'm like, God, bring that up so that I can let that out. Because I. I just. I didn't want to hold on to anything no more. And I'm like this person who's sitting across me. I don't even care if they judge me because they don't know me.
- [38:52]
A
Right. But they. They really shouldn't be.
- [38:55]
B
Yeah. I've never. I've never gotten. I've never felt. Have you ever felt judgment from. From your therapist?
- [39:01]
A
Not at all. Not at all.
- [39:03]
B
I know when I've done. I know when we've discussed something and I reverted back, and I know when I'm hiding that I've reverted back, because, you know when you've reverted back and you know, we play that little cat and mouse game where you get them to try to pull it out of you, and then. Exactly.
- [39:21]
A
Y' all play the game.
- [39:21]
B
Yeah, I've done that. But that doesn't work either. And then the 45 minutes is up. I'm like, damn it.
- [39:26]
A
I still feel like that's a whole session I have to pay for. Why I didn't just spit it out.
- [39:30]
B
And that's why I get on. I'm like, yep.
- [39:34]
A
You're like, girl, let me tell you what I did. I worked with clients who they would start the session with. I called that man. I know I'm not supposed to, but I called that man. And I'm like, all right, let's talk about it.
- [39:43]
B
I'm not judging you.
- [39:44]
A
You're human. We're gonna do things like that.
- [39:48]
B
No one is perfect.
- [39:49]
A
Exactly.
- [39:49]
B
Especially not myself. So when I do do, like for me now, like when I revert back or if I make a mistake or if I'm, or a way that I've been practicing to become better, I give myself grace. Like, not only that, I'm just like, I'm able to recognize it. So if I make the mistake or I do something, I'm like, oh, that took me back there. I'm able to recognize like, okay, X, Y and Z happened. So that now when I come across that again, I can move differently. But sometimes you learn the tools and then you have to get put in a situation in order to use the tools that you have. Otherwise, how you know they work.
- [40:22]
A
Right.
- [40:23]
B
And maybe they don't work. And then you have to be honest with your therapist so she could give you some different tools.
- [40:28]
A
Right. So we can find different ways to approach the situation, find what works for you. It's definitely true that sometimes you need to find the right therapist. Every therapist is not a fit for every person. That's very true. But since you've had this same fear of like, oh, I'm gonna be judged with multiple therapists, I'm inclined to think this is probably something that's gonna come up with any therapist that you talk to until you face that fear.
- [40:53]
B
Yeah.
- [40:54]
A
So best of luck to you. I know this is hard. You said, you know, this is a 30 plus year old guard that you're trying to let down. And you know, you need to become more vul that you can really get the help you need. That's half the battle. You just answered your own question. That's half. It's just, how do I do it? And so, you know, take what I say it verbatim next session. I haven't been completely honest with you because I'm scared of feeling judged. And so I'm not always saying everything that's going on. The therapist should immediately Pick up on that and say or do things to reassure you, to let you know that this is a safe space. This is a judgment free zone. And all the therapist wants good mental health. Yeah. So whatever we can do to help you feeling better, that is what we want to do. You can say anything to me. And it's sometimes it. It is a matter of taking the time to really build up that relationship before you feel comfortable. Like, I worked with clients in grad school who, you know, I saw them for the entire year and a half of my internship, and so they made huge strides in that year now, because I didn't even take summer off like you were supposed to. I didn't get no credit, no money. I'm just seeing people for free because I didn't want them to go all summer without a therapist. And there were things that came up 9 months, 10 months, 13 months into therapy that they had never felt safe enough to say before.
- [42:22]
B
Yeah.
- [42:22]
A
So sometimes it's a matter of give us enough time to feel safe enough to really tell you my deepest, darkest things. But this, you know, I'm struggling with depression, and I'm not doing as well as I may make it sound like I'm doing. That should be something that your therapist can help you feel safer.
- [42:40]
B
You have to be totally honest and do it.
- [42:42]
A
Yeah.
- [42:43]
B
Yeah. Like that's honesty.
- [42:45]
A
Yes, honesty. Best of luck, Angie. All right, Mia, who's next?
- [42:50]
B
All right, let's see. Who do we have next? A recovering burden. Hi, Crystal. I'm really loving your new show and how you've been diving into mental health topics and situations. It has already been helping me reflect in ways I didn't expect. I've dealt with depression, ptsd, anxiety, and childhood trauma, and I was recently diagnosed as neurodivergent. Intense therapy as an adult has helped me understand parts of myself I never had language for. One of the biggest things I've realized is how some of my friendships suffer because I didn't know I was overwhelming the people I loved. I've always seen myself as a loyal and supportive friend, but I didn't understand how my rumination, anxiety, and lack of emotional boundaries were affecting others. I didn't know how much I was carrying or how much of it I was handing to my friends without meaning to. Now it hurts to think I may have soiled great friendship simply because I didn't have the tools or awareness back then. My question is, now that I understand my patterns and I'm working on healthier communication, how do I navigate friendships that burned out because of who I used to be. Is it worth trying to rebuild those friendships and show the growth I've made, or is it healthier to accept them as part of my past and look towards connections that fit the version of myself I'm becoming? Thanks. A recovering burden.
- [44:28]
A
This is tricky because I think a lot of people, maybe more than, you know, are in a situation where they are just now realizing that they hurt people that they love and had no idea that that's what they were doing. They did not mean to, but they were operating from their hurt, from their trauma, from their wounds and putting that all over everybody else. So I would say the question of, you know, is it worth it to rebuild those relationships or just be like, okay, that's part of my past. I am always in favor of keeping old friendships alive if it's possible and healthy for everybody involved, not just for the hell of it, but if it's good for everybody. So I would try reaching out to these friends and being completely real. I feel like that's the theme of this week, is being real. That part about what's going on. Everybody is not going to be open to hearing it, but some of them might. So I don't think at this point, it doesn't sound like you have anything to lose with these friendships by reaching out of people. What you think?
- [45:32]
B
So this is my thought on friends, right? They are like trees, leaves, branches and roots. Leaves. You going to get lots of them every season. What happens to the leaves? They fall off the trees at the end of the season. New ones grow. Sometimes friendships are for you to leave there. Right?
- [45:53]
A
Okay. Yes. Let them bring out a lifelong friend.
- [45:57]
B
Some. Some of your lifelong friends are branches, but when you go through hard times or they don't survive those and they break off, right. You might get a root friend, one or two deep rooted friends, but at the end of the day, there's no, like, we put this definition on what friendship is. I have friends, like when I worked in film and television, when I worked with the actors, I was their friend for that moment. I don't think that I'm going to go to, you know, I'm not showing up at the Oscars like, hey, girl, you know, hi, Regina. Exactly. You know what I'm saying? It was a great time that we had together. Like, you know, and then some friendships that you have for a long time, you outgrow people. But if you've outgrown something, why would you want to go back? You're not gonna fit in that space anymore. If you Feel like you hurt people apologize. There's always ways of writing a letter. Because sometimes when you even apologizing to people, sometimes like people that I really hurt, I'm like, I forgive myself because I know where I was at that time. Am I going to open that can up again? Is it worth it? Do I want to be this person's friend again? Are they going to understand the person that I am now? It's not worth it to me. I'd rather make new friends. Let me attract what I am now. And then I just, I get better friends. You know, we, we just put this word on friendships. That's like, it's, that's my friend.
- [47:20]
A
Yeah.
- [47:21]
B
To the end of the earth.
- [47:23]
A
No, everybody is not that. Yeah, I think, I think like Mia said, when people are owed an apology, we should give it to them. And I think that's sort of regardless of how they're going to react to it. If you look back at these situations and you say, damn, I did you wrong. I did him wrong. I did her wrong. I didn't try to, but I did it. I think it's important to understand that, that people deserve to be treated well even when we are not in the place to treat them well.
- [47:57]
B
That is true.
- [47:57]
A
Just because I have whatever mental illness is going on doesn't mean you deserved the way that I treated you. They've distanced themselves for a reason. So if you do try to apologize and you still end up mistreating them, letting your trauma out on them, they probably are like, okay, yeah, no, nevermind. We shouldn't have never even talked again. So I would say don't hit them. Up, up. If you feel like you're still not in a place where you're fully in control of the way you act, that's something you can learn how to do. You can learn how to put some distance between the way you feel and the way you behave, but that can take time. So if you, if you really do miss these friends, but more importantly, you think, damn, I owe her an apology, and I know I do, then you can say something like, hey, I just wanted to reach out to you to talk about the way that I acted. I was diagnosed with xyz. I have ABC symptoms. I did not know it at the time, but I was putting my shit onto you. I was treating you unfairly because of the things I've been through. And that was unfair to you. I'm sorry for that. I've been in therapy for eight months or whatever, and I've been working hard to get out of that space. And that's really how I came to realize that I was doing you wrong. I didn't treat you with the kindness and respect that you deserve. I would love to get together sometime and talk if you're open. But I understand if we can't be friends anymore. I feel like you deserve the apology regardless. I hope all is well with you.
- [49:25]
B
That's a good one.
- [49:25]
A
Something like that.
- [49:26]
B
That's a good one. That's a good one.
- [49:28]
A
Yeah.
- [49:29]
B
I hope she gets that all verbatim.
- [49:32]
A
Yeah. Go back, Go back.
- [49:33]
B
Listen, girl, just copy and paste that because that was so good. That's a good one. Like, you kind of went over everything and you don't got to get into details about your diagnosis because people don't understand. But that's a good one.
- [49:44]
A
Well, it's something to help them understand. It's not like just so that people even if. Cause you could say, you know, I was diagnosed with all these different disorders. You're right. The average person has no idea what that means, but it gives them some context for, I wasn't just being a bitch.
- [49:59]
B
Exactly.
- [50:00]
A
It wasn't just personal to you.
- [50:03]
B
I didn't understand what was happening. And this is what was happening. And I'm sorry that I lashed out at you.
- [50:08]
A
Yes.
- [50:09]
B
So, I mean, I think that's a good one.
- [50:10]
A
It's very important to make sure that people not to make sure they understand because you can't control whether they understand.
- [50:17]
B
Yeah.
- [50:17]
A
But to make sure you're clear when you're communicating, that the way I acted had nothing to do with you. That had everything to do with me. And I am so sorry that I put my shit on you. You did not deserve that. Something like that. And then, you know, if they're like, okay, yeah, let's go have coffee and talk, then maybe these friendships can be rekindled. Maybe you get left on read, you know, maybe they never answer your email. Maybe you stay blocked. And in that case, then, yeah, accept that as part of your past. Accept that as lessons to learn and look forward to new connections where you don't mistreat people. Because, you know, there's no shortage of people in this world. There's no shortage of friends you can have, whether they're these deep rooted lifelong friendships or they're casual friends that are like the leaves that fall off, you know, every few months or depending on the circumstance. There's no shortage of people out here that you can be friends. So if anything, I would say reach out so that you can Give them an apology like the one. The example I just gave you, because it sounds like they deserve that.
- [51:16]
B
Yeah.
- [51:17]
A
Good luck. A recovering burden. And let me know how it goes. Keep me posted. All right, I think we have time for one more, mia.
- [51:26]
B
All right, so we have Marcus. Hi, Crystal. My best friend is a very kind person, but sometimes the things he says startles me. For example, we were recently talking about the ICE situation, and he mentioned that if he was a migrant or seeking asylum, he would just do things the legal way. I tried to explain how that is not accessible to most people risking their lives to cross the border. And even those. Excuse me, even those who are doing things the right way are getting snatched up. This didn't persuade him at all. He has sim. Sim similarity. That's.
- [52:10]
A
That's a.
- [52:10]
B
That was one of those words. Similarly similar. There we go. Terrible opinions on other topics as well, like Meg the Stallion.
- [52:19]
A
Okay.
- [52:20]
B
I know my friend to be kind, but it sometimes feels like our morals are deeply divided. Have you navigated situations like this? What advice might you have? If I want to protect the friendship? Thanks, Marcus.
- [52:34]
A
All right, Marcus. Well, yes, I have several friends that I don't agree with on everything. Hell, Mandy was just on the show, and we sat here and argued the whole time. And I love her. We disagree on so many things. You know, I love my family members, even though sometimes they say things that are homophobic or transphobic, other things that I don't really, really believe in. You know, everybody is very much not like me. I understand and accept that. You have to decide where the line is for you. You have to decide what matters the most to you. So again, like we said, we've been saying pretty much all episode. Say how you feel. Clearly say it with your whole chest and let him respond from there. Like, everybody knows how I feel about, you know, LGBTQ issues or, like, taking care of children, making sure children get the care and support they need throughout their childhood for their. For their well being, growth and development. But, you know, I only see, like, in the case of, like, little casual homophobic comments and stuff like that. I already only see my family, like, once or twice a year. I'm in New York. You're like, okay, they in Oklahoma and Texas. So I'm already only there pretty much for holidays and, you know, like, Memorial Day, stuff like that.
- [53:53]
B
That.
- [53:54]
A
So it's very easy for me to be like, oh, here y' all go, you know, saying something goofy that I don't agree with. But whatever, because we're not in community every day. I don't have to hear that every day, all day. And I do still love these people, even though I feel like they're deeply wrong, you know, on these issues. And actually my family has gotten much better in that department, which is another good thing. Like is, you know, the way they talk now is not the way they talked in the 90s. Thank God.
- [54:21]
B
Listen, also today there was no one to tell them to do different.
- [54:25]
A
Yeah, that's true. And for a lot of people, you know, we have that one cousin who come in and y' all like, oh God, here we go. We finna get election. Yeah, you are. Yeah you are. You finna get one. But these are not cruel hearted people. They don't vote in a cruel hearted way. They not out here actually trying to strip rights from somebody, that sort of thing. It doesn't make their opinions on those things okay by me. But because again, because we have so much distance between us, we don't really see each other that much. It's not like, okay, I'm never going to talk to you again because you said something I don't like, I already barely see you.
- [55:01]
B
Yeah.
- [55:02]
A
And like Mia just sort of inferred. Sometimes people learn from our example and just being willing to teach them or to let them learn by watching us. Sometimes that's enough.
- [55:14]
B
Yeah.
- [55:14]
A
Just being around me, eventually you gonna be like, okay, yeah, maybe capitalism is the root of all evil. Like, yeah, I'm rubbing off on it all for you. It's really about, I think it's about, you know, when we disagree on the things that matter the most to us and we don't want to completely sever the relationship. We have to decide where we're going to place this person in our lives. Because it's easy to be like, oh, you don't agree with me, fine. We just not friends no more. We just don't talk no more. But it's not that cut and dry with a lot of people. So maybe, maybe your best friend gets downgraded from best friend to associate. Maybe he gets downgraded from root friend to leaf friend.
- [55:57]
B
Listen, right?
- [55:58]
A
Cause you, like, I have to put some distance between us because we disagree on things that are fundamental to me. Yeah. And I still have love for you, but you gotta learn from a distance. I can't have you in my life all day, every day knowing that this is how you feel about things that really, really matter to me.
- [56:15]
B
Yeah. Or also, it's an opinion. Like it's an opinion if I, you know, what stood out to me is that you said your friend is kind. Kindness are through acts of things that you do to say someone is kind. I don't give that word to very many people. So if your friend is kind and he has some opinions that people have opinions. Most people have opinions based off the information that they gathered. That's not right.
- [56:40]
A
Yes.
- [56:41]
B
Okay.
- [56:41]
A
That's so real.
- [56:42]
B
I've never been a migrant. I don't know what it is to seek aside. I couldn't even think. I can't even think of what that journey is. I work with women, a foundation that works with women of migrants whose families are being torn apart and things. So it's like, I don't know what that. I don't know what that is. I don't know what it is to walk that many miles or to. You know, some of their stories are crazy. I could never imagine that. So I don't have an opinion on that.
- [57:09]
A
Right.
- [57:10]
B
So when my friends have deep opinions on things like that, I just. I'm like, whatever information you gathered is making your opinion like that. Not that I don't care that much, but I'm not going to debate about something that I have. No. Like, I've never. I've never done that. I've never been in that situation. I can't even say what that is to feel like. So I just don't give my opinion, you know, because it is just that it's an opinion. And is your friendship worth losing over someone's opinion? Especially if you give him a characteristic of kindness? You know, sometimes we want everything to be right and sometimes you're not gonna agree.
- [57:44]
A
Yeah.
- [57:44]
B
Like, you gotta agree to disagree. And it's okay if you guys don't meet on the same standpoint. When I get into like debates with my friends, like, I don't have debates with people who don't vote. I don't. Did you vote? If you say no, the conversation is over.
- [58:01]
A
Okay.
- [58:02]
B
That's my standpoint. I'm not debating with you about if you. Why you don't and this and that. I don't. That's.
- [58:07]
A
Cause I'm not even getting into it. Yeah.
- [58:09]
B
I'm not wasting my time with that. Like, I'm just not doing that. I'm not gonna sit here and debate with you about migrants because. Because I can't. I don't know what that is. You know what I'm saying? So it's like I choose my conversations and if I do find myself in some kind of, like, I know how to get out real quick.
- [58:26]
A
Yeah.
- [58:27]
B
Like. Or you tell your friend, I don't want to talk about that. That friend's talking to me now about this whole Diddy thing, the documentary. 50.
- [58:36]
A
Because I worked with him, and I.
- [58:38]
B
Keep telling everyone, not my business.
- [58:41]
A
Interesting.
- [58:42]
B
Not my business. I'm not. I'm not even getting. Because I know him. I know people who know the other part. It's not my business. It's not my business. So when my friends come to me to talk to me about it because they think that I'm gonna, you know, give them intel, I make it very clear, Girl, I don't talk about that. I'm not talking about that. I'm not talking about that. I don't want to talk about that.
- [59:01]
A
You don't want to talk about that.
- [59:03]
B
Yeah.
- [59:03]
A
And that's very much your right. Yeah, you can say that.
- [59:05]
B
Exactly. And then. And then we move to something else. I change the subject to something else. So if you don't want to talk about things or if your friend has an opinion about something that's going to upset you, change the topic. Sometimes people's opinions don't necessarily mean that. That's how. Like, you know, I have friends with some crazy opinions up, like, oh, girl. But I know that if I needed a liver, a kidney, a heart, they would give it up. Like, you know what I'm saying? So it's like sometimes like, oh, my God. And then some people are just dumb. I've been realizing that. And. And I'm serious. Like, some people are just dumb. So you have to think about, are you dumb to sit here and have this conversation with this dumb person and go back? And that's what I get when I find myself, because I like to chest box. I'll argue down to the ground, but I'm like, this is a dummy.
- [59:57]
A
Yeah.
- [59:57]
B
I'm saying this to myself. Like, they're not even gonna understand what I'm saying. So this is just not even gonna work. So I'm not doing this.
- [60:02]
A
Yeah. For me, it's less about whether I can conceptualize what it's like to be a migrant or somebody seeking asylum and more about. I think it's wrong for ICE to be coming in and snatching people up off the street. That's what I think. So if my friend starts talking about, well, I would just do things the legal way. I would say, I don't care if you do them the legal or illegal way. I think it's wrong for ICE to be snatching parents away from their babies at graduation. Right.
- [60:32]
B
At graduation.
- [60:33]
A
That's wrong.
- [60:34]
B
Period.
- [60:34]
A
Whether you did it legally or not, I think it's inhumane the way we're treating people or the Diddy situation, a lot of that. I mean, there's been so much about what's going on, and I have no issue with believing it. But when you see video evidence, like the stuff with Cassie, to me, that, for me, it's like, okay, I feel this way about Puff based off of the things I've seen. I think it's wrong to abuse women. I think it's wrong to treat people the way he did. That's how I feel about it. It's not even, you know, I want to sit here and think about, oh, well, what if he did this? What if he did that? I'm talking about what I've seen. We've all seen it.
- [61:15]
B
This point. This is my standpoint on this, and this is right.
- [61:17]
A
And so, again, it goes back to what you feel strongly about. If I feel very, very strongly about women being abused or kids not having parents no more because they came and got snatched up in the middle of the night by ice, their parents are no longer here, then somebody being ignorant about those things, I'm probably not gonna be able to just say, oh, well, let's change the subject, because I care so deeply about that and I feel so strongly about it, I'm not gonna be able to just brush it away or whatever. So for me, instead of changing the subject, I would probably reconceptualize where I put you as far as importance in my life. If we disagree fundamentally on something that means that much to me, it means you can't. You not my best friend. You can't be my best friend if you are like, well, I just feel like y' all should have filled out the paperwork and waited years, and maybe you would have came over and maybe not. But, you know, if you. It just is what it is. ICE can snatch people out of their homes if they want to. Okay, so we fundamentally disagree on that, then. And I don't know that we can have as close of a relationship. This is the. You know, this is Marcus's example, so that's why I keep bringing it up. Yeah. But, yeah, there's some things that we can't just look past. Most of us have things we care very, very deeply about where the people closest to us can't disagree on that. Yeah. Like being a black woman in America. I'm not sitting here going back and forth with y' all about Trump.
- [62:46]
B
Not only that, I'm not going back and forth about being a black woman in America with anybody. Cause y', all, you never gonna get. The only person I talk to about being a black woman in America is another black woman. Because they're the only person that's going to get what I'm talking about. Because I could go on for 900, 000 hours and you still not gonna get it. No, you have to be this. And it's not. Listen. And you gotta be a brown black woman. Because what I go through as a brown black woman is different from what the darker skinned women go through and what the lighter skinned women go through. So when I have my conversations about things that I go through, I'm very choosy when it comes to those topics. Like being a black woman.
- [63:22]
A
Yes.
- [63:22]
B
You know, like, I'm not debating that with a white woman. Absolutely. You don't have any idea. Idea. Any idea.
- [63:29]
A
Right.
- [63:29]
B
So I, I totally get that.
- [63:31]
A
And even if you can have empathy and be like, oh, well, I know what racism means, I know what sexism means, I know what misogyny means, black women have to experience all that at the same time. Okay, I have a lot of empathy for you. That's great that you have this intellectual empathy for us, but that doesn't mean, you know, what our experience is like, self empathy.
- [63:51]
B
Like, I feel empathy because what's happening to the. What ICE is doing is tearing the home apart. That's happened in the black community since slavery. So I'm empathetic in the way that I know what that feels like to have family members torn out of. I mean, we all do. We have family members in jail, family members who we lost to the drugs. You know, it's not the same, but it allows me to be empathetic towards them. But never enough to have an opinion on whether you should do something legal or illegal. You know, I don't know what it is you hear some of these stories about. You know, I mean, just some of.
- [64:28]
A
The stories, people are fleeing horrible things in their home country, things that a lot of the time the US Is responsible for. And you want me to then turn around and be like, well, how dare you? No, I'm not gonna do. I'm not gonna do that. That's not me.
- [64:41]
B
Thank you.
- [64:42]
A
That's not me at all. So, like, for me, the most obvious example is the Trump administration. I do not have any close friends. In fact, I don't think I personally know anybody who voted for Trump. If they did, they not telling me, they keeping that a secret from me forever.
- [64:58]
B
I do. I do Know some people. I do know some people.
- [65:01]
A
For me, that's a hard line.
- [65:02]
B
I do know some people, but I evaluate the person, and then I look at them like, oh, you know, some. Some people. I get it. Right. You totally get it. Like, I knew that was gonna. Who you were voting for. I knew that. Oh, you know. Like, I know about. You know that. Okay. But then there's some people that you're surprised of. And then I have to ask. Like, I have a friend who voted because she's a business owner. Right. She's also. She's also an immigrant.
- [65:31]
A
Yeah.
- [65:31]
B
And she has that mindset of money. Like, you know, she's actually an immigrant woman. And, you know, she thought that he. She didn't hear. People also hear what they want to hear. She heard the part about money and taxes and, you know, all the things. People hear what they want. The parts that were affecting her as a business. Business owner and the industry that she was in, those things that he was saying were good to her because it meant that she was gonna make more money. And you don't listen to every debate. You're not listening. You know, she kind of tailored it to her. And then when you see how the, you know, what peeled out of that. That cocoon was not a butterfly, but it's like, what do you. What do you. You contributed to that.
- [66:17]
A
Yeah. I mean, and as an immigrant, he could very easily revoke your right to be here. Yeah. And then what?
- [66:25]
B
But I don't get. Like, I could have looked at her in a way of like, oh, she's against black people, or she's racist or. And I didn't. Cause I took the time to understand why, like, what made you do that? And then it made me understand, like, oh, okay, well. Cause, you know, how many of us read the instruction books when we get anything.
- [66:44]
A
Well, I do, but I know I'm the only one.
- [66:47]
B
I started. No, no, I started. I'd it because I'm tired of putting stuff together twice and then broke one, stripped it down. Listen, I get. I totally get it.
- [66:58]
A
So that goes back to my point of we're all individuals. What is a hard line for me is not a hard line for me, and vice versa. Like, everybody's an individual. So, Marcus, you can decide what matters the most to you and go off of that.
- [67:12]
B
Set your boundary.
- [67:13]
A
Like, I also, you know, know I am in a tax bracket where Trump would save me money over Kamala Harris, so.
- [67:21]
B
And that was a lot of people.
- [67:24]
A
I'm not voting for my best financial interest because I'm thinking about the collective and not just me.
- [67:30]
B
Yeah, you're. Everyone's not like you.
- [67:33]
A
Right. Everybody is not like me.
- [67:34]
B
Because a lot of people that I know that. You know that. I do know that did. It was that same reason. Money. I'm in a certain tax bracket, you know, it's money. It's money. So everyone reads what they want to read. So it's like, you know.
- [67:47]
A
Right. They read with it. And people, you know, once you hear something that you think sounds good, you kind of lock in on that. And then here come Kamala talking about raising taxes to, you know, to send the babies to school and all this. And you like, not my taxes. That some people have that mindset. I'm not close to anybody like that, or at least not close to anybody who would openly admit that. Again, because I'm very vocal about how I feel about that sort of thing. But we all get to decide what we accept in our lives.
- [68:15]
B
Yeah.
- [68:15]
A
So I think. I think, Marcus, we've given you a lot here to think about and to. And to mull over, but it's important to remember that you get to choose what is a priority in your life and how you want to deal with this person or not going forward. I think. Yeah. We've given you quite a few options here. For what you want to do.
- [68:33]
B
Exactly.
- [68:34]
A
For what you want to do in this relationship. All right, well, that is going to wrap up this week's episode of Chrystal's couch. Mia, thank you so much for being here.
- [68:42]
B
Thank you for having me. I'm greatly appreciative that you. You gave me the space on your couch.
- [68:49]
A
Of course. Please tell the people where they can.
- [68:50]
B
Find you so you can find me new. And in between podcasts, it's on all streaming services. I'm on YouTube and all the other. Apple, Spotify, you know, all the things new and in between. It's the same on YouTube. It's the same on Instagram, and there you go. Follow my podcast, and then you'll find out all the other great things that I'll be doing. Eventually. I'm starting a little girls gun club. Oh, you might wanna be part of that.
- [69:17]
A
Let me.
- [69:18]
B
My friend Jay, she loved listen. Okay. So thank you so much for having me. And I. I hope. I hope what I said is heard and helps, you know, your guests and your. Your listeners and your people. So thank you for sharing your space with me. I'm. I love it.
- [69:35]
A
Of course. Thank you again for being here and thank you for tuning into Crystal's Couch. Follow us online at Crystal's Couch. And if you have a question for me me send me an email advice at crystalscouch. Com. We'll see you next week.