Culture Apothecary with Alex Clark

Episode: Rebuild Your Relationship From Rock Bottom | Dr. John Delony, MA, PhD
Release Date: May 16, 2025
Guest: Dr. John Deloney, MA, PhD

Introduction

In this poignant episode of Culture Apothecary with Alex Clark, host Alex Clark welcomes Dr. John Deloney, a renowned relationship expert and national bestselling author, to discuss the intricate dynamics of rebuilding relationships after significant turmoil. Drawing from his extensive experience in crisis response and his personal journey of marital redemption, Dr. Deloney offers a wealth of insights aimed at healing and strengthening marriages facing challenges such as infidelity, communication breakdowns, and differing life expectations.

Rebuilding After Infidelity

Timestamp: [00:00 - 02:43]

The conversation kicks off with a profound question from Alex: "How can a marriage get back to what it was before my spouse cheated?" Dr. Deloney emphasizes that restoring the original state of the relationship is unattainable. Instead, he advocates for building something entirely new:

Dr. John Deloney [00:03]: "You will never quote, unquote get back. That's over. The question is, do you want to build something totally new? And is that hard? Yes. Is it challenging? Yes. Is it scary? Yes. Can you do it? It could be amazing."

He draws a powerful analogy from Esther Perel, comparing rebuilding a marriage to reconstructing after a monumental disaster like the fall of the Twin Towers—highlighting the necessity of creating something more resilient and beautiful than before.

Strengthening Marital Habits

Timestamp: [02:43 - 05:31]

Alex inquires about habits that have fortified Dr. Deloney's own marriage. He credits a daily practice of aligning expectations through open communication:

Dr. John Deloney [04:18]: "Asking each other every day, what's your picture of today look like? That's been probably the greatest gift beneath Religion, money, beliefs, political, the number one characteristic that determines whether you have a good marriage or not. Are y'all friends?"

This habit fosters mutual understanding and ensures both partners are on the same page regarding daily activities and long-term goals.

Navigating Changing Relationship Dynamics

Timestamp: [05:31 - 12:53]

Dr. Deloney shares his personal story of evolving from a young, inexperienced husband to a more aware and committed partner over 23 years. He highlights the importance of adaptability and continuous growth within a marriage:

Dr. John Deloney [04:58]: "I'm a radically different man than the 24-year-old knucklehead that my wife married. Thank God. Right? And I'm only better because she has continued to iron sharpens iron."

He emphasizes that marriages require ongoing effort and the willingness to rebuild and adapt rather than clinging to past identities.

Effective Communication Strategies

Timestamp: [12:53 - 25:02]

The discussion delves into the complexities of communication between spouses, addressing how cultural expectations often skew perceptions of love and intimacy. Dr. Deloney debunks the myth of the "soulmate" and reinforces the idea that love is both a feeling and a deliberate choice:

Dr. John Deloney [13:53]: "I think it's both. And I think there are seasons When I love you deeply and I don't like you."

He advocates for honest, vulnerable conversations that focus on mutual support rather than merely expressing needs, which can inadvertently place undue responsibility on one partner.

Understanding Gender Dynamics in Relationships

Timestamp: [25:02 - 40:01]

A significant portion of the episode explores the differing ways men and women approach relationships, especially regarding emotional availability and intimacy. Dr. Deloney explains that men often equate providing with emotional stability and being present, while women may seek direct emotional connections:

Dr. John Deloney [14:24]: "Sometimes providing is emotional stability. Sometimes providing is just a listening ear. And it took me almost 15 years of being married before I realized, oh, my wife likes that I work really hard and she likes my work ethic and she likes that I went to a bunch of grad school, she likes that. But she loves me."

He underscores the importance of understanding and meeting each other's emotional needs through intentional actions and presence.

Handling Conflict and Emotional Walls

Timestamp: [40:01 - 56:47]

The conversation transitions to managing conflicts and the detrimental effects of unresolved arguments. Dr. Deloney advises taking structured breaks during heated moments to prevent escalation:

Dr. John Deloney [79:03]: "Take a break. When you go to Fight or Flight ... it's a terrible time to try to solve a problem because the critical thinking's off."

He emphasizes setting time limits on breaks to ensure that disputes are addressed constructively without allowing emotional walls to solidify.

Addressing Modern Relationship Challenges

Timestamp: [56:47 - 86:00]

Dr. Deloney discusses contemporary issues such as excessive phone usage, financial strains, and unrealistic expectations within marriages. He provides practical strategies for couples to navigate these challenges, including:

• Separate Devices for Work and Personal Use: To minimize distractions and foster quality time.
• Clear Communication on Expectations: Aligning daily activities and long-term goals through open dialogue.
• Setting Boundaries: Especially concerning technology to preserve intimacy and connection.

Dr. John Deloney [73:12]: "You gotta put barriers. Because they're better than you. They're better than you."

Navigating Intimacy and Sexual Expectations

Timestamp: [31:07 - 41:11]

The episode addresses the realistic expectations surrounding marital intimacy, acknowledging that the frequency and spontaneity of sex naturally fluctuate due to life stressors and responsibilities:

Dr. John Deloney [31:07]: "We have to decide we're going to intentionally find moments of time."

He encourages couples to embrace the seasonal nature of intimacy, understanding that maintaining physical connection requires intentional effort rather than relying solely on spontaneous moments.

Final Thoughts and Remedies for a Sick Culture

Timestamp: [90:56 - End]

In the concluding segments, Dr. Deloney offers a profound remedy for healing a sick culture:

Dr. John Deloney [90:56]: "Seek to be with, not right. I think our culture's got an obsession with being right."

He advocates for prioritizing relationships and connection over rigid correctness, fostering environments of support and understanding. This approach not only strengthens individual relationships but also contributes to the broader healing of societal cultural wounds.

Notable Quotes

• On Leadership:
  Dr. John Deloney [03:58]: "A true leader doesn't talk, doesn't have to talk very much. They're underneath the squat rack holding the whole thing up."

• On Respect in Marriage:
  Dr. John Deloney [25:02]: "Respect has become a very loaded word... Respect in my world is... shared values and who are we gonna be."

• On Remodeling Relationship Expectations:
  Dr. John Deloney [55:44]: "The bravest thing in the 21st century is not joining a jiu jitsu gym... It's being comfortable sitting down with somebody and saying..."

Conclusion

This episode of Culture Apothecary with Alex Clark serves as a comprehensive guide for couples navigating the tumultuous waters of marital challenges. Dr. John Deloney's blend of professional expertise and personal experience provides listeners with actionable strategies to rebuild and strengthen their relationships. By emphasizing honest communication, mutual respect, and intentional connection, the episode offers a beacon of hope for those seeking to heal their marriages from rock bottom.

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