A (25:01)
Oh, all right. I have a good entry. I think it might just shift the conversation just a little bit. And I don't want to, like, make it sad, but I do think, because this is something that was very prevalent, especially this past couple of weeks and honestly, month for me, I kind of want to talk about it and I feel like, because we're all maybe triggered by this, just a warning where I'm going to be talking about grieving and a dead dad. So I will be reading this September 10th. Something that has been on my mind a lot as of late is my father. There is so much to unpack. But ever since we celebrated my brother's birthday, he has just been on my mind. The older I feel like getting, the more I'm seeing the resemblance I have with him. I think about my childhood, how I would never trade it for anything in this world. I think about all the animals I helped raise, all the plants I grew, and all the wisdom my grandmother showered me with. I think about memories with my dad, like going around town at twilight time to get Aros, Arus and Abel, Abel from trees. I think about our little tricycle with sidecar and how we would bike around every day for hours. I think about the strength he showed me, both physically and mentally, to stand up for myself, but always leading with my heart. I almost put hair, but that was so my dad too, he would lead with hair. I never got to ever properly grief my dad. When I went home for his funeral. I don't know what version of me that was. Everything was numb. I refused to see him laid in the casket because I didn't. Because it didn't seem real at all. While on the day of his funeral and I finally see him, I'm hit with so many emotions, which was quickly changed into confusion when so many people came to ask me for a picture. While it was my first time to see him, I felt like that was such a big moment that was taken away from me. A moment I needed but never got or understood. One day I will understand. And that was that. Oh, I think I was just like thinking about him a lot because, well, when it was my brother's birthday, he like turns to me with like really sad eyes and he was just like, it's so sad that I'm the only one that got to celebrate my birthday. I don't have all my birthday twins anymore because dad, my brother had my dad, my dad's twin brother and my grandfather, they were all born the same day. And he was just sad about it. And ever since that day, like. And I feel like Kiefer and I always talk about our dead dads all the time. And something that I always envied with Ms. K is that, like, she knows her dad's around. But that was something I never felt like. I never felt like my dad was around. I'm very sensitive when it comes to a lot of energies. Like, I feel my grandparents a lot. Like even inang Bakuta, but like something that I never felt that was around me or was watching over me genuinely, you guys. And I know so many people Are like, trust me, he's around. I never felt my dad around until as of recently. And ever since, I've kind of, like, been in the slow process of grieving. I've been giving him more atang and, like, doing more things for him. For him. Because I felt like so much of my healing work or light work have always been directed towards my grandmother. Like, even when I talk to my ancestors or pray to my ancestors, I'm really just talking to my grandparents. And I never channel dad. And this was, like, the first couple of times where I feel like he comes to me or in me and, like, is one of my guides now. I would say so. I have. It was really a big moment of me of realizing. Realizing so many things. Do I understand why I had to go through all those things? Like, like, fans showing up too much? No, I don't. But I do think I have a better understanding of an appreciation for dad now instead of just, like, resentment. And I think so much of my heart was, like, filled of resentment and hate towards him, but now that I'm older, it's more of just like, understanding. Not understanding why he, like, did all those bad stuff, but, like, understanding that, like, this man is my old man. Like, this man really did provide me with such a great childhood. Yeah. With so many great bases. That makes me an amazing human adult today that I like to think.
