Dark History Podcast Summary
Episode 143: "The Joanie Awards! The Only Award Show Where Everyone is Dead"
Release Date: September 4, 2024
Host: Bailey Sarian

Introduction to the Joanie Awards

In Episode 143 of Dark History, host Bailey Sarian introduces the inaugural Joanie Awards, a unique award show format designed to celebrate the most captivating and darkly intriguing stories from the season. Bailey playfully engages with her virtual audience, featuring historical figures and characters from previous episodes, setting a lively and interactive tone for the evening.

Notable Quote:

• Bailey Sarian [00:00]: “Welcome to the 2024 Joanie Awards. Please welcome our queen of the dark, mother of the macabre... your host, Bailey Sarian.”

Breakthrough Character of the Year

Bailey kicks off the awards by recognizing standout characters who made significant impacts in their respective stories.

Nominees:

1. Hedy Lamar
   From "The Dark History of Hedy Lamar"

   Hedy Lamar, renowned for her beauty and intellect, escaped a marriage with a Nazi weapons dealer to become a Hollywood icon. Beyond her on-screen presence, Hedy contributed to scientific advancements during World War II, aiding in the invention of technologies foundational to modern wireless communication. Despite her contributions, Hedy was initially denied recognition, only being inducted into the National Inventors Hall of Fame in 2014.

   Notable Quote:

   • Bailey Sarian [Transcript Time: ~03:30]: “Hedy was an incredible mix of beauty and brains... Hetty didn't receive $0.01 for this invention in her lifetime.”

2. Cher Ami
   From "The Dark History of Pigeons"

   Cher Ami, a heroic pigeon, played a critical role during World War I by delivering a vital message that saved 194 soldiers trapped behind enemy lines. Despite being severely injured, Cher Ami completed a perilous 25-mile flight, showcasing extraordinary bravery before succumbing to his wounds.

   Notable Quote:

   • Bailey Sarian [Transcript Time: ~05:00]: “Cher Ami... flew 25 miles in just 25 minutes to deliver the message... Cher Ami barely made it out.”

3. William Dalton Mann
   From "The Dark History of Gossip"

   William Dalton Mann, a Union Army colonel, pioneered the American celebrity gossip industry through his ruthless tactics of blackmail. By exploiting scandals and secrets of the elite, Mann laid the groundwork for modern gossip platforms like the National Enquirer and TMZ.

   Notable Quote:

   • Bailey Sarian [Transcript Time: ~06:30]: “Without William Dalton Mann, there would be no National Enquirer, Perez Hilton, TMZ... they really owe him everything.”

Winner: Cher Ami

Cher Ami triumphs as the Breakthrough Character of the Year, celebrated for his unmatched bravery and pivotal role in saving lives during wartime.

Notable Quote:

• Bailey Sarian [Transcript Time: ~07:15]: “The Joanie for breakthrough character of the year goes to Cher Ami from our pigeons episode. Yay. Yay. Oh, my God. I love Share Mi.”

Most Shocking Reveal of Dark History, Season 2

This category highlights the most unexpected and disturbing revelations uncovered during the season.

Nominees:

1. Women Given Birth on Their Backs Due to a Horny King
   From "Childbirth Episode"

   The episode explores the barbaric origins of modern childbirth practices, revealing that King Louis XIV mandated women to give birth lying on their backs to cater to his voyeuristic desires.

   Notable Quote:

   • Bailey Sarian [Transcript Time: ~09:00]: “...because of one very horny king, King Louis XIV. He was a king with a very particular kink... he wanted a show.”

2. Segregated Proms Persisting Until 2013
   From "Debutante Balls Episode"

   Despite the outlawing of school segregation in 1954, segregated proms continued in parts of America until as recently as 2013, exemplifying the lingering effects of racial discrimination.

   Notable Quote:

   • Bailey Sarian [Transcript Time: ~10:30]: “Segregated proms continued for years. Wilcox County High School in Georgia didn't have their first integrated prom until April 27, 2013.”

3. Mass Graves of Fallen Women from Magdalene Laundries
   From "Magdalene Laundries Episode"

   In 1995, a mass grave containing over 155 women was discovered beneath a Catholic church in Ireland, exposing decades of abuse, starvation, and torture inflicted upon women in the Magdalene Laundries.

   Notable Quote:

   • Bailey Sarian [Transcript Time: ~11:45]: “Women who had been shunned from society were being sent to a women's prison run by the church called the Magdalene Laundries.”

Winner: Mass Graves of Fallen Women from Magdalene Laundries

This devastating discovery wins for its profound impact and the revelations of systemic abuse and neglect.

Notable Quote:

• Bailey Sarian [Transcript Time: ~12:30]: “The mass grave of the fallen women, Magdalene Laundries. That was a pretty shocking reveal.”

Business Bitch of the Year

Honoring trailblazing women whose business acumen and resilience paved the way for future generations.

Nominees:

1. Mary Ellen Pleasant
   From "Mary Ellen Pleasant Episode"

   Overcoming racism, threats, and relentless obstacles, Mary Ellen Pleasant built a formidable empire through strategic real estate and business ventures, significantly contributing to the African American community.

   Notable Quote:

   • Bailey Sarian [Transcript Time: ~13:30]: “Mary created an empire through smart real estate and business decisions and gave back to the black community every step along the way.”

2. Esther Howland
   From "Valentine's Day Episode"

   Esther Howland revolutionized the commercialization of Valentine's Day by creatively enhancing and selling lacy valentines, laying the groundwork for the multi-billion-dollar industry today.

   Notable Quote:

   • Bailey Sarian [Transcript Time: ~14:45]: “She was one of the first people to commercialize Valentine's Day, an industry that now, partially thanks to her, is worth billions of dollars.”

3. Josephine Baker
   From "Josephine Baker Episodes"

   Josephine Baker not only captivated audiences with her performances but also expanded her brand into beauty products and philanthropy, all while fighting against Nazi oppression and advocating for civil rights.

   Notable Quote:

   • Bailey Sarian [Transcript Time: ~16:00]: “She turned her onstage persona into an iconic brand of costumes, beauty products, makeup, and even Barbies.”

Winner: Mary Ellen Pleasant

Mary Ellen Pleasant is recognized for her unparalleled business prowess and dedication to empowering her community.

Notable Quote:

• Bailey Sarian [Transcript Time: ~16:30]: “The Joanie for Business Bitch of the Year goes to Mary Ellen Pleasant from a Mary Ellen Pleasant episode. Woo.”

What the Hell Were They Thinking

This category spotlights historical figures and organizations responsible for particularly egregious and baffling decisions with dire consequences.

Nominees:

1. Ted Kennedy and the Chappaquiddick Incident
   From "Kennedys Episode"

   In 1969, Senator Ted Kennedy drove off a bridge into Chappaquiddick Pond while under the influence, resulting in the death of Mary Jo Kopechne. Kennedy's subsequent attempt to cover up the incident tarnished his reputation and legacy.

   Notable Quote:

   • Bailey Sarian [Transcript Time: ~18:00]: “Ted Kennedy made a series of bad calls... he drove straight off a bridge with a girl in the car who sadly... ended up drowning.”

2. NASA and Morton Thiokol – Challenger Disaster
   From "Challenger Disaster Episode"

   The fatal decision by NASA and Morton Thiokol to proceed with the Challenger launch despite known issues with the O-rings led to the tragic explosion that claimed the lives of seven astronauts, including Christa McAuliffe.

   Notable Quote:

   • Bailey Sarian [Transcript Time: ~19:30]: “...it was like a bad call on top of a bad call on top of a bad call. A tragedy that could have been prevented.”

3. Dr. Conrad Murray and the Death of Michael Jackson
   From "Evil Doctors Episode"

   Dr. Conrad Murray was convicted of involuntary manslaughter for administering a lethal dose of propofol to pop star Michael Jackson, leading to the singer's untimely death.

   Notable Quote:

   • Bailey Sarian [Transcript Time: ~20:30]: “Conrad, what were you thinking, man? And then Joanie, for the what the hell are you thinking award goes to... Dr. Conrad Murray.”

Winner: Ted Kennedy and the Chappaquiddick Incident

Ted Kennedy's irresponsible and tragic decision-making earns him the top spot in this category.

Notable Quote:

• Bailey Sarian [Transcript Time: ~21:00]: “The Villain of the Year goes to Ted Kennedy.”

Villain of the Year

Acknowledging the most malevolent figures and entities that have inflicted widespread harm.

Nominees:

1. Senator Joseph McCarthy
   From "Lavender Scare Episode"

   McCarthy spearheaded the anti-communist hysteria of the 1950s, falsely accusing numerous individuals of communist ties based solely on their sexual orientation, leading to ruined careers and lives.

   Notable Quote:

   • Bailey Sarian [Transcript Time: ~22:00]: “He was a life ruiner. He ruined people's lives.”

2. Monsanto
   From "Monsanto Episode"

   Monsanto, a major biotech corporation, has been implicated in various environmental and health controversies, including the production of harmful chemicals like Agent Orange and Glyphosate (Roundup), and aggressively protecting its patents at the expense of farmers.

   Notable Quote:

   • Bailey Sarian [Transcript Time: ~23:30]: “They patented special seeds and then came for any farmers who didn't buy them or recycled them with a vengeance.”

3. Molasses
   From "Killer Sweets Episode"

   The 1919 Boston Molasses Disaster saw a massive tank of molasses explode, releasing a wave of syrup that resulted in 21 deaths and over 150 injuries, highlighting the catastrophic consequences of industrial negligence.

   Notable Quote:

   • Bailey Sarian [Transcript Time: ~24:15]: “Molasses is kind of like maple syrup, but much thicker. When the tank exploded... left 21 people dead and over 150 injured.”

Winner: Monsanto

Monsanto is declared Villain of the Year for its extensive and ongoing negative impact on health, environment, and agricultural practices.

Notable Quote:

• Bailey Sarian [Transcript Time: ~24:45]: “And the winner of the Joanie Award for Villain of the Year goes to... Monsanto.”

Interactive Quiz Segments

Throughout the episode, Bailey engages listeners with interactive quiz questions, testing their knowledge on obscure and dark historical facts.

1. Quiz Question 1:
   What famous historical object is currently on display in an international museum of erotica?
   Options:
   A. Frank Sinatra's unreleased porno
   B. Rasputin's Monster Wang
   C. A naked Furby
   Correct Answer: B. Rasputin's Monster Wang
   Notable Quote:

   • Bailey Sarian [Transcript Time: ~08:00]: “Allegedly, it was preserved in a jar for decades, just like pickles.”

2. Quiz Question 2:
   More people recognize which logo than the Christian cross?
   Options:
   A. The Disney Castle
   B. McDonald's Golden Arches
   C. The Starbucks Mermaid
   Correct Answer: B. McDonald's Golden Arches
   Notable Quote:

   • Bailey Sarian [Transcript Time: ~14:00]: “88% of people recognize the McDonald's golden arches, and only 54% recognize the Christian cross.”

3. Quiz Question 3:
   Why were conjugal visits started in America?
   Options:
   A. To increase the population during the Vietnam draft
   B. Because prisoners were making too many boner jokes
   C. To stop homosexual behavior in prisons
   Correct Answer: C. To stop homosexual behavior in prisons
   Notable Quote:

   • Bailey Sarian [Transcript Time: ~22:30]: “It's one of those things that started for the wrong reason, but then became a very meaningful rite for the families and partners of inmates.”

4. Quiz Question 4:
   Which statement about the Founding Fathers is false?
   Options:
   A. Thomas Jefferson was a foodie, popularizing ice cream, pasta, and mac and cheese
   B. Benjamin Franklin invented electricity by flying a kite during a lightning storm
   C. George Washington was obsessed with dogs and invented the American foxhound
   Correct Answer: B. Benjamin Franklin invented electricity by flying a kite
   Notable Quote:

   • Bailey Sarian [Transcript Time: ~18:30]: “Which means that Thomas Jefferson was indeed a foodie with an ice cream obsession... George Washington loved dogs.”

Audience Interaction and Closing Remarks

Bailey concludes the Joanie Awards by thanking her audience, reading selected comments, and teasing upcoming content for the next season. She emphasizes the importance of listener support and engagement, encouraging fans to leave comments for potential feature in future episodes.

Notable Quote:

• Bailey Sarian [Closing Remarks, Transcript Time: ~26:45]: “...Knowledge is power. So cheers to you and me because we are stronger and more powerful than ever before.”

Bailey signs off with gratitude and anticipation for the next season, promising more dark tales encompassing murderous dictators, toxic chemicals, and scandalous presidents.

Final Thoughts

Episode 143, "The Joanie Awards! The Only Award Show Where Everyone is Dead," offers a comprehensive and entertaining recap of the season's most compelling stories. Through engaging award categories, interactive quizzes, and insightful commentary, Bailey Sarian successfully highlights the intricate and often disturbing facets of history, making Dark History an essential listen for true crime and history enthusiasts alike.