← Dark History
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- [00:00]
Bailey Sarian
You really want to be better with your finances. You try to put money away in savings. You look for deals. You wrote out a budget once a long time ago. You still overdraft from time to time, and you still have debt. The truth is, managing money is not easy. But Rocket Money can help. Rocket Money shows you exactly what you're spending every month. From there, the app helps you make a budget that meets your financial goals. The app even gives you real time alerts when you're about to go over your budget so you don't spend too much. With Rocket Money, you can also see all your subscriptions at a glance and cancel the ones you don't want right from the app. Rocket Money can even try to get you a refund for some of the money wasted. Plus, you can use the smart savings feature to start putting more money away. Rocket Money analyzes your accounts to determine the optimal time to stow away cash without going over your budget. Our members report that the Rocket Money app save more than $700 a year. Getting better with money doesn't have to be a pipe dream. Rocket Money can make it a reality. Go to RocketMoney.com cancel or download the app from the Apple app or Google Play stores. Okay, it's kind of embarrassing how bad I am at budgeting.
- [01:03]
Emin
Let me see your charges.
- [01:04]
Joan
Ugh.
- [01:05]
Bailey Sarian
Fine.
- [01:05]
Emin
You spent over $600 on takeout last month.
- [01:08]
Bailey Sarian
I can't cook. You know this.
- [01:10]
Emin
Yes, I have had your disgusting food, but you're literally paying for a meal subscription on top of that.
- [01:15]
Bailey Sarian
Whoa, wait, wait, wait. That can't be right.
- [01:18]
Emin
Look, just get Rocket Money. It shows you all of your expenses in one place and even tracks your subscriptions.
- [01:23]
Joan
And.
- [01:24]
Emin
And if there's a subscription you don't want, which for you, there are a lot you don't need, you can just cancel right in the app with a few taps.
- [01:30]
Bailey Sarian
So you mean I don't have to call anyone to cancel? Nope.
- [01:34]
Emin
No hold times or anything. And they'll even try to get you a refund on some of the months of wasted money, which is a lot of money for you.
- [01:41]
Bailey Sarian
Okay, okay.
- [01:42]
Emin
And if you thought I was done, I'm not. The app can also help you make a budget that works for your income. Anytime you get close to your spending limits, it alerts you so you. So you know exactly where your money is going at all times.
- [01:53]
Bailey Sarian
All right, Emin, what do I have to do?
- [01:55]
Emin
Go to RocketMoney.com cancel or download the app from the Apple or Google Play stores.
- [02:00]
Joan
Hi, friends, and welcome to the fourth and potentially final Joni Awards. Ah, we learned so much here at Dark History, haven't we? Yeah, I know. From sex lives of eunuchs to horny nuns to something called Teapot Dome, which turns out was not a sex position. We even shined a light on some shady corporations like Walmart and discovered the weird origins of vaping. And I burped a lot. A lot. Like 5,000 times. So to honor our best and worst moments, Paul, Joan and I have put together a really special episode for you tonight. We've gathered some of our favorite moments, including some never before seen behind the scenes footage. Oh, yeah. Welcome to the Joanies. Wow, Joan, you look incredible. You really do. Though Joan is wearing. What would you call this? Is this a tutu? Joan looks incredible. She's got beautiful hair, wonderful blowout, and a divine dress. And Paul looks great. Paul, you clean up nice. You should dress like that more often. And I just threw on whatever I had. Okay. Our first award has nothing to do with Joan and Paul and has everything to do with. Ah, me.
- [03:32]
Bailey Sarian
Okay.
- [03:33]
Joan
It's okay, Paul. It's all right. I sure you'll win an award today. It has to do with singing. Yeah. Come on. You know I love a good song. I made up my own theme song from Murder mystery and makeup. And even though I didn't have the opportunity to do that with Dark History, I still find a way to break out in songs several times a season, even though no one asked. This is the Triple Threat Award for musical excellence. The nominees are. Vampires. Remember JoJo, the singer? Get out right now. It's not you and me. Thank you. I hid those notes. Eartha Kitt. I'd be like Hilary Duff. This is what dreams are made of. Eartha Kitt again. Santa Baby a shoo. Ba doo bah doo ba doo bah do da da boo da boo bah. You know, let me know if I should go on tour. I could do it. Yeah. I got lyrics. The making of the wizard of Oz. Somewhere over the rainbow, asbestos sky. Let me know down below if I should put out a Christmas album. I'm not against that. I don't know. Honestly, watching that, Oh, I want to rip my skin off sometimes. I'm just like, bailey, why did you do that? But, you know, here I am anyhow, so. Really difficult category. I know, I know. Kind of rooting for Hilary Duff here. But the winner is. The Dark History of Eartha Kidd. Yeah. Wow. Who knew that Santa Baby was specifically written for. For Eartha Kitt? I mean, that fits her voice perfectly. It all makes sense. Listen. The Eartha Kitt episode was a rollercoaster. Going from a traumatic childhood to becoming a gifted musician and dancer in her teen years, to becoming a famous cabaret performer to most wanted Hollywood star all the way down to blacklisted actress for no damn reason. Eventually, she was welcomed back to America and Hollywood with open arms and she went on to become an icon for generations to come. It's crazy to think that some people only know her for Santa, baby, she was so much more. Eartha Kitt really was the best. The worst part about debt is how it quietly grows, stacking interest and fees until it's just suffocating your finances. You know it's there and yet you feel so powerless. Listen, every day you age is getting worse, and that's when PDS debt relief steps in to save the day. PDS debt relief helps you take back control. Whether it's credit cards, personal loans, or medical bills. They craft personalized plans that match your unique financial situation. No cookie cutter solutions. There's no minimum credit score required. And their goal is simple. Help you save more, pay off debt faster, and start putting money back where it belongs in your pocket. I've talked about my struggles with debt in the past. Listen, I get it. It brings anxiety, uncertainty, and you're like, if I get sick, that's it, it's over. Okay? Because there ain't no coming back from that financial hardship. But taking that first step with PDS debt isn't just about numbers. It's about breathing again, feeling like your finances aren't controlling you and you finally are seeing a path forward. Debt might be silent, but with pds, your financial freedom can speak loud and clear. If I needed a debt relief service, I'd use PDS debt. Don't wait for debt to strike again. Break free in 30 seconds. Get your free personalized assessment and the best option for you@pdsdebt.com DarkHistory that's pdsdebt.com DarkHistory PDSdebt.com DarkHistory hey, isn't ironic how, like, sometimes things do not go as planned, Especially when it comes to the costumes. I like to keep it real with you when things don't work out. Like I need a bra. Okay, but listen, despite our best efforts, you know, stuff happens. I'm talking wardrobe malfunctions. Listen, it happens to everyone and it happens to me on camera all of the time. So without further ado, here are the nominees for best Wardrobe Malfunction of the year award. Julius Caesar he's like, okay, I got this. Let me get on my cute little outfit. That's all I think of. I know. I was like, what's that? Well, I'm still alive. He's pissed. Walmart. Which actually is a nice call because I got deodorant marks on my shirt. Look. I hate when that happens. Huh? It's the worst. Now, I hear if you just rub the fabric on it, it will go away, but, like, sometimes it doesn't work. Any tips? Alaska Triangle. I gotta get rid of these things. If you're watching over on YouTube, I have to let the mittens go. They are releasing fluff in every direction. It's up my nose, it's in my mouth, it's in my eye. I'm so sorry. You know, I was committed to the. To the idea, but I have to let it go. Okay. Thank you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Mittens. God, it's everywhere. It's everywhere. It's everywh. Everywhere. Hold on. That's a terrible idea. I'm keeping those mittens. One star review. Okay, okay. All right, all right. It's not coming off. Okay, hold on. I have a feeling it's gonna be Alaska Triangle. Because those mittens really ruined my day. Gosh, it was a lot. They was everywhere. The fluff. And I did indeed give it one star review on Amazon. So there, I showed those mittens. Okay, what was the other ones? Oh, deodorant. I always have deodorant on my shirt. Geez. But thanks for all the tips in the comment section. Greatly appreciated. So far, none of them worked, but I tried. The winner is. The Dark History of the Alaska Triangle. Yes. Yes. Listen, I saw the comments and everyone was like, I love this. It's like asmr. I was like, okay, maybe I should do an ASMR channel now, huh? Just all. What was that called? What was it called? Lint Rolling. Yeah, I just do that. You know, we weren't really sure if we should keep my mittens shedding everywhere in, like, the final edit. But I'm glad we did, so you know what? Worth it. Okay, listen. I knew the Alaska Triangle episode was going to be wild. I honestly wasn't expecting there to be, like, so many disappearances, conspiracy theories about weather control, underground pyramids that keep me up at night and, you know, maybe. Yeah, I was a little aroused by Otterman. Could you blame me? No. Still thinking about it from time to time. I would say I'm working through it, but I'm really not. I'm thinking about it. Anyhow, this next award is one of the ones that I'm most excited about. What's that? No, it has nothing to do with alcohol. Joan. Oh my God. You know, she loves to drink a little too much. Geez. Anyway, so listen, you guys know me, I can't help myself. If I come across like an interesting character, I have to act it out. I am an actor, an actress, a singer, songwriter. Wow. I really do everything, don't I? I'm method. Yeah, look, it just happened. Something takes over my body and I have to do it. Without further ado, the nominees for the Outstanding Achievement in Impressions award. Bodybuilding. He's like, come fight, my big beefy daughter. Walmart, they had some issues. Your job, you're asking too much. You come to me asking for a raise to unionize the butchers. Well, I got butchers of my own. Witches who got away. So the police, they get in there, they pull back all the curtains. Oi. Get on the ground. Drop the crystal ball now. Slap that ectoplasm back in your mouth, wench. Weird presidents. I would love to do that. I would do the same thing. Uh oh, we're going into the river, we're gonna die. And then, like, you just freak em out. Aphrodisiacs. Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get. Eartha Kitt, she had this signature purr that she would do in every episode. I will try and recreate it for you. But she rolls her tongue and I can't roll my tongue. But she'd be like, I gotta look. I gotta Google how to, like, roll your tongue. I just never learned air travel. Mix business with pleasure. Surrounded by, like, busty stewardesses, holding, like, a tray of drinks. Oh, sorry, that scared me. I'm sorry, girl. I was just trying to be hot. I ruined it. Okay, there we go. Sorry. Mix business with pleasure. Do you want to fly, Joan? Air. You'll get one of us serving you your drinks, maybe. I will say that when I watched the Godfather, it did take over my whole personality for a while, man. Everyone was sick of me. I was talking like, the God. Yeah, I could. And to this day, when I'm driving, uh oh, where's the car gonna go? I still do that. Yeah. No, okay, listen. That was fun, huh? And the winner is. Walmart. Oh, Godfather. He was a bit. Yeah, listen, watching the Godfather changed my life. Apollonia. No, Apollonia. I get it. I never saw it before. It was my first time and I knew my don Corelani impressions would end up in the episode. I just don't know which ones. I kind of just say it and I say, we'll see what happens, you know? And honestly, Walmart made so much sense with the Godfather impression. It was perfect, right? Come on, come on. It was great. Walmart, if you haven't seen it, was all about how one small company dedicated to serving the Midwest turned into a monster of a corporation allegedly dedicated to union busting low wages and locking their employees in overnight. I have to say, allegedly. Okay, yeah, all those low prices came at a cost. But in this economy, most people we know, it's hard to care. I did leave you guys with a very detailed plan on how to take down Walmart if we wanted to. So don't forget to check out that episode for that hot tip. Don Gorlani, as my name is Dun Konalani and I worked at Walmart. It's so good. Have you ever had such a long day at work that when you get home you open up the fridge and you're just like, you know what, I'll just have chips for dinner. I'm fine with that. I had Skittles and chips last night, so I'm really talking to myself here. Yeah, listen, after a long day, the last thing you want to do is cook. But that's why I love HelloFresh. Oh yes. HelloFresh is America's number one meal kit and they've leveled up in every way. They've doubled their menu with all 100 chef crafted options each week. Their portions are bigger, the recipes tastier and the healthy options are on point. There are over 15 high protein meal options each week. Every ingredient arrives fresh at your door, pre measured and ready to turn your kitchen into a stress free, flavor packed haven. I've been using HelloFresh for years. If you've been following me for years, you know the difference is is wild, dinner is exciting, healthy and fun. I use my knife and I'm like chopping stuff. So if your dinners are looking like yogurt and granola or chips and Skittles or something, maybe give hellofresh a try. It makes cooking at home easier, tastier and way more satisfying. With HelloFresh, I use HelloFresh and you should too. The best way to cook just got better. Go to hellofresh.com darkhistory10fm now to get 10 free meals plus a free breakfast for life. One per box with active subscription free meals applied as discount on first box. New subscribers only. Varies by plan. That's hellofresh.com darkhistory10fm to get 10 free meals plus free breakfast for life. This next award is all about the edit. Yeah, baby. As we just talked about, I say some wild things on the show. And sometimes I like to do a little show and tell. Yeah. Shout out to our dark history editors for making my on screen improvs come to life. Oh, yes. And the nominees for the best improvisation of a historical object award are. Witches who Got Away. Churning butter, Skimming milk, Milking cows, Making cheese. I don't know how he made. But, you know, that's what she was doing. Momsters. So the second Fred realizes that they released the tear gas, he starts firing. Think like mafia movie. Cause that's how it kind of freaking felt. Like just psycho pirates. If there's a man among ye, you'll come up and fight like the man ye are to be ye. And I guess no one answers. Just crickets. She's like, all right, great. If you did get caught stealing from your fellow pirate, you were going to be sentenced to death by decapitation. Julius Caesar. Ugh. Caesar is shocked. He literally, like, can't wrap his mind around what's happening right now. Before he can, like, escape, get away, he's stabbed again. And then again. So then a politician named Brutus takes a dagger and hears the words finish him and raises his arm and takes the final stab. He looks up and he says, pizza. Pizza. And that's where Little Caesar's pizza comes from. Julius Caesar. Really great, huh? Wow. I imagine that's exactly how it went down. And churning butter. Yeah. And the winner is. Julius Caesar. Listen, that was a good one. It really felt like, you know, I was there was recreating the whole thing. The dagger was in my hand. You know, it was very dramatic. That was a good one. I wish I could frame that. Listen, I was honestly not expecting Julius to be, like, such a messy, messy diva. Yeah. I mean, this man was sleeping with all of his co workers, wives, and maybe even perhaps allegedly husbands. Oh, yeah, Remember? And then also there was a rumor that Caesar was, you know, a catcher, receiver, a bottom. It had layers. He had layers. Yeah. He was also said to be, you know, drunk with power. He literally created a position for himself called dictator for life so no one could, like, ever kick him out of his job. Pre bolt prebold. And, you know, as we went on, it kind of made sense why everyone wanted to maybe stop him. Rip Caesar, you'll always be pizza pizza to me. I do like their pizza. Have you tried Little Caesar's Little. What's that called? The pretzel pizza. Not sponsored. So good. This next award has to do with icons. Specifically one icon. Everyone who knows me knows that I. Listen, I love me some Miss Britney Jean Spears. Yeah, leave her alone, okay? Let's not talk about it. Thank you. But she's made many appearances in season four, so listen, it's not about, you know, what she's doing now. This is about my impression of her as a singer. The nominees for the BJ Award for best Britney Jean Impression are. Conservatorships. El mame babe how is that bell to know? That's the damn weather right here. Thank you, Las Vegas. Oh, baby, baby how is that the bound to know Eartha Kitt? Baby, don't you wanna dance up on me to that's what I would do. The winner for the BJ Award for best Britney Jean impression is. Conservatorships. Ugh. Yeah, I'm sure this award was a. It was a hard decision and I've sung some other Britney songs, but nothing is better than the classics, right? But the dark history of conservatorships was all about how easily one person or institution can take control over your life. We talked about Wendy Williams, Francis Farmer, Britney Spears and the state of conservatorships today. I thought I knew everything about Britney, but honestly, I learned so much. Baby, don't you wanna dance up on me? I don't know this part. Okay, listen. And that brings me to our next award. As you may know, growing up I had a speech impediment. Yeah, I did okay. I had to go take speech therapy classes as a kid. It was very embarrassing. And listen, sometimes, till to this day, words can be a little tricky for me. I try, I read a lot, but I don't get to hear the word leave me a. Yeah, sometimes it's like the word just won't come out of my mouth. I don't know what it is. It's so frustrating. But listen, I get creative and I make it work. So without further ado, here are the nominees for the Creative Pronunciation Award. Alaska Triangle High Frequency Active Auroral. Come on. High Frequency Active Auroral Auroral. Oral fertility. Turns out the urine of postmenopausal women was full of something called Human Menopausal Gonatrop. Gonat. Human Menopausal Gonotropin or hmg. Air travel. And the stewardesses. Stu. Stewardesses. And the stewardess. Sorry, this one's. Why is this hard? Momsters. Now, William, he was the head of like a famous Brewer. Brewery in town. That's a hard one. Brewery. But he was popular. Earthquakes. Please do a dark history on Swarovski. Please do a dark history on Suarez. Listen, I see your comment, and I appreciate it. I'm having a really hard time saying Swarovski, the jewelry company, and I apologize for that. Now, right off the bat, I would love to do this episode, but the fact that I'm having a hard time saying Swarowski because Swarovski, it's not coming out Swar. Sw. I'm sorry. I'm not. I'm. I'm really trying. Sw. The fact that I can't say this word is making me think that I want to do it. But how will I get around that word? Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. A lot of the times when I am filming, I will struggle on a word and then just make up a different word to fill it in. Cause I can't say it sometimes. And there are times when it's like there is no word to fill in and move on. Like, what was that one? The HMG one? Oh, you have no idea how long I sat here trying to get that correct. It's so hard. It's like, why did I decide to speak? Hmm. Anywho, the winner is Alaska Triangle. Aurora. Aurora. Aurora. Yes, that word. All I know is that HARP is doing some weird stuff with that weather over there in Alaska, and it is none of my business. My favorite part about this time of the year is sitting on the couch and doing nothing with a big cup of tea. Watching a movie or a true crime documentary in my cozy pajamas. Maybe some slippers. Yeah. But lately I've noticed that my favorite pair of pajamas are. They're done. They have holes in them. They are see through. It's time to let them go. But that's where skims comes in to save the day. Skim sleep and soft lounge sets are game changers. The moment you will slip into this new set, the fabric, oh, it's so. It's. It's soft, it's breathable, it's cozy, it moves with the body, doesn't fight you. It's like the. The pajamas were made just for you, just to help you sleep better. It makes lounging feel luxurious. Skims has options for women, men, kids, and even pets, which means the whole family can get in on the comfort. I've been living in my skim sleep set ever since it arrived. The second I get home from work, I. I do put them on. Yes, I do. So if your pajamas aren't giving you the cozy, relaxed vibes you deserve. Skims will fix that and maybe even make holiday mornings a little more magical. Stop settling for sad sleepwear. Skim has you covered, literally. Shop my favorite pajamas@skims.com after you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you select podcast in the survey and be sure to select our show in the drop down menu that follows. And if you're looking for the perfect gifts for everyone on your list, the Skims holiday shop is now open@skims.com listen. Dark history has no shortage of messy divas doing way too much. And lucky for us, they left a paper trail. So without further ado, here are the nominees for the Jerry Springer award for messiness. Nero, he looks around and he finds a young boy named Sporus. Now, at this time, Sporus was a slave, probably a younger teenager. But if Nero squint, if he like squinted his eyes, he was like, you kind of look like papaya. It's crazy. According to Nero, this little boy looked a lot like Papaya. Oh. You know, he's like, whoa, I'm in love. She's still alive. So this is where he kind of takes it up a notch. Well, he's taken it up a lot of notches, but this is another notch that is up. He decides to have Sporus castrated. Yeah. He makes him into a eunuch. I'm not making this up. This sounds fake, but it's real. He gives Sporus makeup, dresses, and whatever else he needs to look exactly like his dead wife. Yeah. Then in a full on public ceremony, Nero marries him. Teapot Dome. On his left, his left there was a knocked over chair. There was a highball glass to his right. And a few feet away, there was a. Another body. So they walk over there. Who is it? It was Hugh Plunkett. Ned Doheny's bestie, slash personal assistant, slash bribe money delivery boy, slash lover, depending on who you ask. Chippendales. You'll never believe this, but Strawberry got cold feet. What? Strawberry the hitman chickened out. No way. Instead of killing people with the cyanide, Strawberry ended up going to the FBI. Ooh, eunuchs. But across the many cultures where eunuchs existed, there was a common misunderstanding that they were not sexual. This is why many of them were used as guards to protect the women of the palace. In Muslim courts, for example, eunuchs were created to work as bodyguards for the king's harems. And if a eunuch were to have a secret affair with any of the women he was supposed to be guarding. Well, it was kind of like. It was kind of like a perfect crime because they wouldn't be able to get the woman pregnant. And bada bing, bada boom. Pirates looking around her eyes land on Bao, 21 years old at this point. Remember Bao, the son that they stole? Yeah. He had been working along her and her husband the entire time. And he had proven himself to be an incredible Captain pirate and lover. That's right. Bough and his mother were allegedly having a hot and heavy affair the whole time her husband was off traveling and dealing with other pirates. Honestly, this season was filled with a lot of, like, rapey dudes. Well, besides pirates, that was a woman. But still. Huh. Plot twist. This whole season is about rapey dudes. I. You know, sometimes there's a theme that's this theme. Huh. Anyhow. And our winner is. Congratulations, Nero. Emperor Nero literally takes the cake for this award because not only did he kill his wife and his mom. Didn't he kill his mom? He killed everyone. But he regretted doing it so much that he found an enslaved man who kind of looked like his dead wife, put the poor boy in his dead wife's clothes, married the poor boy, and made everyone call them his dead wife's name. What in the I'm up. Is that? Yeah, I used to put off doctor's visits because I didn't have hours to spend playing phone tag with, like, the person's doing scheduling. Right. And if I did get through somehow, I always forgot to, like, have the right information on hand. I'm like, member id? What's my member id? Is that what. Huh. It's easier just to, like, ignore it and just not do it. Right? That is, until you try zocdoc, which you should be, because zocdoc is the best. If you don't know, zocdoc is a free app and website that makes finding and booking high quality in network doctors ridiculously easy. You can search from more than 100,000 doctors across every specialty. Mental health, dental, primary care, urgent care, eye doctor. I need to go to see the eye doctor. You can filter by insurance, location ratings, and even personal preferences like doctor gender, language availability. And then once you find the right fit, you see their real appointment openings all laid out there for you. And then you can instantly book. It's so easy. I use Doc. Doc. It's the best. I love it. If you're not using Zoc, Doc, you should. It's the best. It makes booking appointments so easy. I just had to Go get a pap smear. God, who wants to do that? I know. And I was like, I don't even have a doctor. So I went on Zocdoc and guess what got it done. Check. Listen, no more stress, no more endless calls, no more procrastinating. You can just actually see a doctor when you need one. Listen, so if you've been dodging appointments like, you know I was, Zocdoc makes it fast, easy and completely stress free. Taking control of your health does not have to be complicated. Zocdoc makes it simple. Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to Zocdoc.com dark history to find and instantly book a top rated doctor today. That's Zocdoc. Z o c-o c.com darkhistory zocdoc.com darkhistory now the next award could have easily had 20 nominees. A lot of the times I say things I probably should not, but I have so much information that just it spills out of me. I've lived a life. Yes, I have experiences. Is that a crime? Huh? Well, let's find out. Up next is the TMI award for things that probably should not have been filmed. The nominees are Walmart. So at the store I worked at, I would get discounts, okay? I would get anywhere from 10 to 40% off of something. So I would buy DVDs with my employee discount and I wouldn't open them right? Then I would make sure, no, no tags on. No tags on them. Take the tags off, but make sure they're still sealed because they won't accept it if it's unsealed. So I go to Walmart and be like, my grandma gave me these DVDs for my birthday and it's just like. So I just like, I'm not gonna watch them. I'm just a silly woman. Also, I don't have a receipt because it was a gift. Is there anything I could do? So then give them. And if you don't have a receipt at this time, they've changed their customer service. But at this time, they would give you a store credit because the customer is always right. So go me. You know, I don't know how I thought of that. Go me. Anyways, am I getting in trouble? It doesn't matter. I didn't do it anyways. I'm making this all up, you know, so they'd give me a store credit and then, you best believe it, I would get the stuff I needed. And I used to feel kind of bad about this. And now, honestly, I. I don't. I'm sorry. Kellogg. One time in high school, I had this history teacher. I'll never forget him. Maybe that's how I ended up here. But every day he would come into class and I'm not kidding you, he would be at his desk with a jar of mayonnaise and a spoon, and he would just be eating it. He never talked about it. We never asked questions. We were kids. But, like, the classroom, you would walk in and just get this whiff of mayonnaise. And, like, to this day, if I smell mayonnaise, it's just like. It was so gross. He was. He. I would like to know where he is now. I'm probably in prison because he talked about sex and what kind of porn he watched a lot. So I'm thinking. Because if he was eating mayonnaise, obviously that made him so horny because he watched a lot of porn and he would tell us about it. So I don't know if mayonnaise actually is that safe. Chippendales. So that's me on stage. Okay. I got called up there. Okay, that's not the good clip. Let me show him getting dry humped. Okay, maybe I shouldn't show this clip. Actually, now that I'm seeing it. Weird presidents, to be fair. I literally just said, quote. I'm quoting Bailey. If I were a man, I would be pulling it out all the time or whatever. I said Las Vegas. I got some stories, if you wanna know. Okay. One time, me and my friend Lauren. Love Lauren. We went to Vegas and we stayed there for five days and it was such a big mistake. We didn't sleep and that's what happened. But let me tell you, on day five, I was dusty and I needed to get the hell out of there. Just nothing good happens. But it makes for good stories when you're not on a public platform. Allegedly, I did not actually steal from Walmart. Can't believe that ended up in there. Oops. Well, I have stories, okay? And the winner of the TMI award for things that probably should not have been filmed and went up in my video goes to Kellogg. Oh, I think the Walmart won, but okay, you win. Listen, my old history teacher, there was something wrong with him. And I even said in that episode, I was like, I wonder where he is today. Prison. Honestly, I'm probably guessing, but I was like, I don't know. Shout out to you, M. I aired your dirty laundry. I bet you he's in prison. I will have to look it up. Hey, thank God for good teachers. Because that's probably how I ended up here, huh? Speaking of letting me know if you're out there, I love reading some of, like, the comments you guys leave me at the end of the Dark History episodes. And you do not disappoint. Listen, I truly love and appreciate all the comments you guys leave. They're great. Yes, we read them, most of them. But seriously, seeing what you guys have to say after one of the episodes goes live is my favorite part. These comments are nominated because they sent me down some pretty epic mental rabbit holes. Yeah. The nominees for Joanie Fan Award for Best User Comment are vaping. Dylan Fell 6975 said. Bailey, will you marry me? Dylan. Okay, I got a couple questions for you. One, what's your credit score? Do you have a 401k? Do you have a savings? Do you have a career? Where do you live? Are you. I'm not trying to be shallow, but, like, if we went to a concert together, would you be able to put me on your shoulders? If there was a fire in the house, would you be able to carry me out? How's your dental hygiene? Do you have any serious illnesses I should know about? What are your dreams? What are your goals? Are you good at Scrabble? How do you sleep at night? Do you snore? Are you a bed hog? Do you like animals? Dylan, we can't just jump into this like this, you know? Like, we gotta get to know each other a little bit, you know? Is there a ring? If you come from money, you can skip all those questions, go to the stray of the line and pick me up at 7. Okay? Thank you. Vegas. Two weeks before my senior prom, my boyfriend broke up with me and invited someone else. I returned the $500 dress that matched him, and my mom got to work making me an edgy dress out of denim and black lace. So 2000s of me. I felt so cool. Definitely rebellious and stood out like I wanted. I kissed his best friend at the prom after party and my ex left crying. T rocks. T rocks. You rock. Because that story had everything. Listen. Drama, revenge, characters, happy ending, sewing. Okay, 20 out of 10. That was beautiful. I'm happy for. For you, Typhoid Mary. A whole episode on Helen Keller would be wild. She had an incredible life. Honey Badger Girl 77. Listen, I know, I know. There has been, like, so much back and forth about Helen Keller online. She had. She. I agree. She definitely had an interesting life. What I've read so far, she met some interesting characters. She had some weird Beliefs, but good ones too. And have you seen bumper stickers lately? There's been bumper stickers in my neighborhood that say Helen Keller Denier. I want to know more about this. What is this about? And why is it a thing? But yeah, I think actually that would be a good idea. I know I've told this story a million times, but I'm going to tell you again, just in case you haven't heard it, because it makes me laugh every time. I used to get Helen Keller and Lizzie Borden mixed up. You know Lizzie Borden, the one who took an ax and murdered her whole family? I thought she was blind and deaf and I was like, what? She murdered her whole family with an ax and she's blind and deaf? And then she went on to like win awards and stuff. And I thought that to be true for the longest time, like embarrassingly long, but I know now not the same person, but it's a fun thought. Great comments. Always great comments. And I do not regret. I feel like everyone should have that list of like, if someone proposes to you, you gotta make sure you know, do they pass the list. Right. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Great comments from you guys all year long. And the winner is Dylan Fell's marriage proposal from our Dark History of Vaping up episode. Now, Dylan won because honestly, he got me thinking. We all need standards, right? And I want us all to think about standards when it comes to marriage, right? Yes. But you have to like, have you got to come with like some good stuff too. You can't just be dead weight in the relationship. So it goes both ways, okay? Don't marry some random person just because they love bomb you. Ask about credit scores, ask about generational wealth, trust fund. No. Okay, that's all right. 401k health, health insurance, dental. You know, this is America. Stop settling. Yeah. Anywho, we had fun today, huh, Right, guys? Yes. I love the Joanies. Every year, right? It's so fun to look back. We did so much. What a fun season. So much we covered. Thank you guys so much for tuning in and hanging out with us. Hopefully we'll be back with more dark history in the future. But for now, I just want to say thank you guys so much for hanging out with me, learning something new, going on this journey with me. I appreciate it. I love you guys so much for commenting, tuning in and learning with me. Okay? It's been so fun and great. I just appreciate you Now. I'd love to hear your guys reactions to today's story. So make sure to leave a comment down below so I can see what you guys are saying and your comment might even be featured in a future episode. Now let's read a couple of comments you guys have left me Miss Chelsea left a comment on our Kellogg episode saying, quote, hey Bailey. Hey. I just finished this episode over on Spotify and felt compelled to comment here. I'm actually related to this the Kellogg family. Is it via or via, I don't know. Dr. Carrie Kellogg. Knee stains. Knee stains. She was married to wk. Wk. Okay, no fun perks, just a random link. My dad always used to tell me that and I thought it was BS until I came across the name. Luckily the crazy stayed there and didn't fall this way. Chels D. Thank you so much for listening on Spotify. First of all, I love that you listen there and then you came back here to like say hi and then tell us what's going on. Love that. But also, you're related. Great brag period. I'll say that. Because it's like when you know about him more, it's like. But for the most part, everyone knows. Kellogg's right. It's about bummer though that you don't even get a free box of cornflakes or anything. Nothing. Okay, that's all right. Well, thank you so much for listening and for sharing. We appreciate it. Thank you. Misterauzie12532 left a comment saying, quote am I the only straight guy who watches this? Haha. My older sister was watching Bailey like four years ago and she hooked me on this series. Lol. Hi. Hello. You are a straight. Nice to see you. Thank you for watching for so long. I appreciate it. I don't know if you're the only. I doubt you're the only straight guy. Right? I never took a poll. I never really asked. I just. But hey, shout out to your older sister for getting you hooked. That's all that really matters. And listen, if you're straight, hey, hey, leave a comment. So Mr. Aussie does not feel alone. Well, we appreciate you. Thank you for being here here and being brave enough to leave a comment. Maybe you can find some other friends in the comment section, huh? Tristan Frady1272 left us an episode suggestion. Quote, dark history on ramen noodles from street gangs and illegal selling in trading on the dark web. What in the sentence, Tristan. Whoa, whoa, buddy, we gotta use some commas. I don't know what I just read streaking dark web ramen noodles. Okay, well I will get right on that. Because listen, I do like ramen noodles, so. Okay, I'm gonna. Yes, I will Google. I will. I will go down the rabbit hole and I will. We'll see where this goes, huh? Well, thank you so much for the episode suggestion. Be on the lookout. Cup of noodles. Dark Web. Was it gangs? That is a lot. Thank you. Hey, you guys, thank you so much for watching and engaging. Keep on commenting. I appreciate it so much. Maybe you'll be featured in a future episode if we have one, huh? Or maybe you won't. Listen, did you know you can join me over on my YouTube where you can actually watch these episodes. Yeah. On Thursday after the podcast airs. And while you're there, you can also catch my murder mystery and makeup. So don't forget to subscribe. And if you don't know, Dark History is an audioboom original. And I'm your host, Bailey Sarian. I hope you have a wonderful day. You make good choices. Thank you so much for hanging out with me all season long. And I'll be talking to you guys later. Goodbye. 1, 3, 5, 7.