Dark History, Episode 191: "Chaos, Bloopers, and the Most Unhinged Things Bailey Said All Year!"

Host: Bailey Sarian
Date: December 3, 2025
Podcast: Dark History by Audioboom Studios

Episode Overview

In this celebratory and comedic year-end episode, Bailey Sarian hosts the fourth (and possibly final) "Joni Awards"—a raucous homage to the most hilarious, awkward, off-the-rails, and unforgettable moments from the past season of Dark History. Bailey, joined by regulars Joan and Paul, relives the show's wildest musical performances, impressions, speech blunders, wardrobe fiascos, historical improvisations, and jaw-dropping confessions. As always, Bailey’s signature irreverence and humor shine throughout, making history as entertaining as it is educational.

Key Segments & Highlights

1. Opening and Joni Awards Introduction

[02:00]

• Bailey sets the tone by joking about the show's evolution:

  “From sex lives of eunuchs to horny nuns to something called Teapot Dome, which turns out was not a sex position.”

• The “Joanies” highlight the best (and worst) moments, with Joan and Paul dressed to the nines.

2. Musical Excellence — Triple Threat Award

[03:31–05:52] Notable Nominees:

• “Vampires” (JoJo's ‘Leave’ parody)
• Eartha Kitt (“Santa Baby” and “This is What Dreams Are Made Of”)
• “Wizard of Oz” (asbestos sky)

And the winner is: The Dark History of Eartha Kitt

• Bailey recaps Eartha Kitt’s journey from trauma to icon, noting:

  “Who knew that ‘Santa Baby’ was specifically written for Eartha Kitt? ...she was so much more.”

• Memorable quote:

  “Honestly, watching that, oh, I want to rip my skin off sometimes. I’m just like, Bailey, why did you do that?”
  —Bailey Sarian ([04:11])

3. Wardrobe Malfunction Award

[08:10–10:05] Nominees:

• Julius Caesar’s “cute little outfit”
• Walmart deodorant marks
• Alaska Triangle shedding mittens

Winner: Alaska Triangle (The Mittens Fiasco)

• Bailey recalls being covered in synthetic fluff:

  “I have to let the mittens go. They are releasing fluff in every direction. It’s up my nose, it’s in my mouth, it’s in my eye!”
  ([08:40])

• Jokes about the “ASMR” quality from lint-rolling herself on camera.

4. Outstanding Achievement in Impressions

[12:00–15:18] Nominees:

• Bodybuilding (beefy daughter voice)
• Walmart (Godfather impression)
• Witches Who Got Away (cockney police)
• Aphrodisiacs (Forrest Gump)
• Eartha Kitt (attempted purr)
• Air Travel (old-school pilot)

Winner: Walmart (Godfather Impression)

• Bailey:

  “Watching the Godfather changed my life. Apollonia! I never saw it before. ...Walmart made so much sense with the Godfather impression.”
  ([13:18])

• Recap: Bailey describes Walmart’s union-busting history in the Don Corleone voice.
• Memorable moment:

  “Don Gorlani, as my name is Dun Konalani and I worked at Walmart. It’s so good.”

5. Best Improvisation of a Historical Object

[15:20–17:09] Nominees:

• Churning butter (Witches Who Got Away)
• “Momsters” mafia/pirate acts
• Julius Caesar’s “Pizza, Pizza” death scene

Winner: Julius Caesar (Little Caesar’s origin bit)

• Bailey riffs:

  “So then a politician named Brutus takes a dagger and hears the words ‘finish him’... he looks up and he says, pizza. Pizza. And that’s where Little Caesar’s pizza comes from.”
  ([16:10])

• Commentary: “I wish I could frame that...I was honestly not expecting Julius to be like, such a messy, messy diva.”
• Details: Mentions rumors of Caesar’s love life, setting up the context for the “pizza pizza” joke.

6. BJ Award for Best Britney Jean Impression

[19:49–20:44] Nominees:

• “Conservatorships” (classic “…baby one more time”)
• “Eartha Kitt” (dance-up-on-me)

Winner: Conservatorships

• Bailey sings “…baby, baby, how was I supposed to know?” ([19:52])
• Discussion on the conservatorship episode covering Wendy Williams, Francis Farmer, and Britney Spears’ legal battles.

7. Creative Pronunciation Award

[20:45–24:23] Notable struggles:

• “Auroral” (Alaska Triangle)
• “Human Menopausal Gonotropin” (Fertility)
• “Stewardesses” (Air Travel)
• “Brewery” (Momsters)
• “Swarovski” (Earthquakes)

Winner: Alaska Triangle (Auroral)

• Bailey, on her speech impediment:

  “Sometimes the word just won’t come out of my mouth. It’s so frustrating. But listen, I get creative and I make it work.”
  ([21:18])

8. Jerry Springer Award for Messiness

[25:00–29:30] Nominees:

• Nero (castrated and married Sporus)
• Teapot Dome (political affair and murder)
• Chippendales (hitman “Strawberry” goes to the FBI)
• Eunuchs (affairs in the harem)
• Pirates (incestuous power couple)

Winner: Nero

• Bailey summarizes Nero’s notorious family mayhem:

  “Not only did he kill his wife and his mom...he found an enslaved man who kind of looked like his dead wife, put the poor boy in his dead wife’s clothes, married the poor boy, and made everyone call them his dead wife’s name. What in the I'm up. Is that?”
  ([28:44])

9. TMI Award: Things That Should Not Have Been Filmed

[32:30–35:20] Nominees:

• Walmart (returning unopened DVDs for store credit)
• Kellogg (history teacher’s mayonnaise jar habit and sexual oversharing)
• Chippendales (awkward dry humping onstage)
• Weird presidents (overshare about hypothetical “male” anatomy)
• Las Vegas (wild trip confessions)

Winner: Kellogg (Mayonnaise Teacher Story)

• Bailey:

  “Every day he would come into class and... he would be at his desk with a jar of mayonnaise and a spoon, and he would just be eating it. ...if I smell mayonnaise, it’s just like. It was so gross.”
  ([33:33])

• Notes she strongly suspects the teacher is now in prison.

10. Joanie Fan Award for Best User Comment

[36:32–41:15] Nominees:

• Vaping: Dylan Fell proposes marriage

  “Bailey, will you marry me?”
  Bailey’s comic response grilling Dylan on credit score, 401k, ability to carry her out of a fire, Scrabble skills, etc.:
  “If you come from money, you can skip all those questions, go to the stray of the line and pick me up at 7.” ([37:35])

• Las Vegas: Teen prom revenge story
• Typhoid Mary: request for Helen Keller episode
• Honorable mention: Lizzie Borden and Helen Keller confusion anecdote

Winner: Dylan Fell’s Proposal

• Bailey:

  “We all need standards, right? Don’t marry some random person just because they love bomb you. Ask about credit scores, generational wealth...this is America. Stop settling.”
  ([39:15])

11. Fan Q&A and Community Moments

[41:18–44:30]

• Reads and reacts to additional fan comments:
  • Chelsea: Kellogg family connection (“No fun perks, just a random link. … Everyone knows Kellogg’s, right?”)
  • Misterauzie: “Am I the only straight guy who watches this?” Bailey: “I never took a poll…I doubt you’re the only. … If you’re straight, hey, leave a comment so Mr. Aussie does not feel alone.”
  • Tristan Frady: Request for “dark history on ramen noodles…gangs and illegal selling on the dark web.”

Notable Quotes

• “Honestly, watching that, oh, I want to rip my skin off sometimes. I’m just like, Bailey, why did you do that?” – Bailey ([04:11])
• “The dagger was in my hand…there was a rumor that Caesar was, you know, a catcher, receiver, a bottom. He had layers.” – Bailey ([16:54])
• “Apollonia! No, Apollonia!…Don Gorlani, as my name is Dun Konalani and I worked at Walmart.” – Bailey ([13:18])
• “If I were a man, I would be pulling it out all the time or whatever I said.” – Bailey ([35:07])
• “What in the I'm up. Is that?” – Bailey on Nero ([28:44])
• “Sometimes the word just won’t come out of my mouth. It’s so frustrating. But listen, I get creative and I make it work.” – Bailey ([21:18])
• “If you come from money, you can skip all those questions, go to the stray of the line and pick me up at 7.” – Bailey ([37:35])

Episode Structure & Flow

• Introduces the “Joni Awards” to recap and laugh about the weirdest, wildest, and most memorable moments of the year.
• Each award reflects a recurring, often unfiltered aspect of Bailey’s on-air persona—from outlandish costumes and failed impersonations to speech mess-ups and TMI reveals.
• In between awards, Bailey provides context, adds background on the historical topics, and embraces fan input.
• Closes with gratitude to listeners, a reading of favorite comments, and an invitation to keep the conversation going for next season.

Best Time-Stamped Moments

• [02:00] Joanie Awards intro: “Is this a tutu?”
• [04:11] Bailey cringing at her musical moments: “Oh, I want to rip my skin off sometimes…”
• [08:40] Mittens everywhere: “It’s up my nose, it’s in my mouth, it’s in my eye!”
• [13:18] Don Gorlani at Walmart impression
• [16:10] Julius Caesar’s “Pizza, pizza” death scene
• [19:52] Britney impression: “…baby, baby, how was I supposed to know?”
• [28:44] Nero’s award: “What in the I’m up. Is that?”
• [33:33] Mayonnaise teacher story
• [37:35] Marriage proposal response: “If you come from money, you can skip all those questions, go to the stray of the line and pick me up at 7.”

Final Thoughts

Bailey wraps up with her trademark gratitude and irreverence—thanking fans for a wild season, reading outrageous fan comments, and leaving the door open for more Dark History adventures. This “blooper reel” episode is a love letter to the show’s comedic, unpredictable spirit and its loyal, vocal community.

This episode is a must-listen for all Dark History fans and a perfect introduction for newcomers who want to experience Bailey Sarian’s unique blend of dark, messy, and laugh-out-loud historical storytelling.