Got the Ick with Denis Leary

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dear Chelsea – "Got the Ick with Denis Leary"

Host: Chelsea Handler
Co-host: Katherine Law
Guest: Denis Leary
Date: March 5, 2026
Length: ~75 minutes
(Ads, intros, and outros omitted)

---

Episode Overview

This episode of Dear Chelsea is a lively, sharp, and heartfelt conversation with comedian, actor, and producer Denis Leary. Chelsea, Katherine, and Denis dive into topics including aging and vanity, the art of quitting vices, relationships, advice on family secrets and comedy, and the challenges of authenticity in entertainment. The tone is candid, irreverent, and packed with personal stories, humor, and real talk.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Where in the World Are They? (03:25)

• Chelsea is in Helsinki, describing the city as "gloomy" and joking about the love for saunas and karaoke.
• Katherine joins from the US, and Denis comes in from a New York hotel, describing his press rounds for his show "Going Dutch."

---

2. Denis Leary’s Show, Aging, Drinking, and Smoking (04:08 - 15:01)

• About "Going Dutch"

  • Denis stars in "Going Dutch" (Fox, streaming on Hulu), now in Season 2.
  • “It’s a half hour comedy ... the girl who plays my daughter is amazing. Danny Pudi’s in it, and this year my girlfriend is played by Kristen Johnston, who’s brilliant.” – Denis Leary (05:00)

• Wine is Overrated

  • Both Chelsea and Denis agree wine is overrated and the rituals around it are boring.

    “Wine is a boring drink. And when people drink too much wine, especially red wine, you look like a jackass.” – Chelsea (06:09)

• Irish Drinking Upbringing

  • Denis recounts growing up Irish with whiskey and beer as staples, sharing his “two hollow legs” drinking ability.

    “Beer is not alcohol. Beer is like water … you’re just drinking beer all day.” – Denis (07:55)

• On Quitting Smoking

  • Denis describes unintentionally quitting smoking after decades:

    “I never fucking intended to quit smoking. I loved fucking smoke … [then] I went outside to smoke a cigarette, and literally at the end of that cigarette, I went, nah, I think I’m done.” (10:00)

  • Chelsea and Katherine joke he simply “got the ick” with cigarettes.

• Relationship Humor & Aging

  • Chelsea comments on older men’s appearance changes and jokes about men turning into “aging lesbians.”
  • “I think men do tend to start to look like aging lesbians at a certain point.” – Denis (15:42)
  • They riff on plastic surgery and how transparency (or lack of it) affects perceptions.

---

3. Sleepwalking & Celebrity Airplane Story (19:06 - 29:34)

• Sleepwalking Confessions
  • Denis reveals past sleepwalking incidents, pondering if quitting smoking stopped them.
  • Recounts a wild story: On a NYC-LA flight with the Kardashians and James Franco, Denis—while sleepwalking—attacks an air marshal with a water bottle, traumatically waking up to chaos:

    “I have him trapped in the chair … hitting him in the head … Bruce Jenner is on the floor in a karate stance ready to attack me.” – Denis (24:51)

  • Aftermath involves apologies, blow-drying pants, and being glared at by Kardashian-Jenner family and Franco.
  • Chelsea delights in the absurdity and they joke about mistaken identity.

---

4. Advice Segment – Family Secrets & Aging (50:43)

Caller: Elsie – DNA Reveals Secret Sibling

• Listener asks if she should tell her elderly father that his daughter is not biologically his.
• Denis: “I’m one of those people … get it out in the open.” (51:05)
• Chelsea: Disagrees, argues it would hurt the dad for no purpose, “at this stage in the game, he is her fucking father.” (52:07)
• Denis concedes: “Listen to Chelsea. She’s smarter than I am and she’s a woman.” (52:15)

---

5. Advice Segment – Gym Rage & Robert F. Kennedy Jr. (53:32)

Caller: Allison – Trapped in a Gym with RFK Jr.

• Allison is angry about seeing RFK Jr. at her gym, which manifests as political rage.
• Denis: Suggests confronting RFK Jr. or moving gyms. “He’s cheap and he likes showing off.” (54:16)
• Chelsea: Shares a personal horror story about buying RFK Jr.’s toxic old house.

  “The idea that this guy is in charge of the health of our country when he didn't even have a proper foundation at his house … the house is the most toxic environment ... it's cursed.” – Chelsea (56:16)

• Advice: Move gyms or tell him why (“You are the embodiment of everything that is wrong with this administration…”), but prioritize personal peace.

---

6. Comedy, Authenticity, and Women in Stand-Up (62:04)

Caller: Jennifer – Starting Standup at 51

• Jennifer seeks advice breaking into comedy later in life, facing cliques, and “being unhinged.”
• Denis: “Forget about [mainstream]. You just got to do what you have … just be yourself.” (63:49)
• Chelsea: Encourages her to exploit her unique perspective, especially anger about starting late, and to ignore gatekeeper comics.

  “Your take on it hasn’t been out there … if you’re unhinged and want to be original, focus on that.” (65:37)

• Katherine: Suggests TikTok over YouTube for unhinged comedy, given algorithmic reach.
• Denis, on advice from male comics: “Welcome to the future, douchebag.” (69:18)

---

7. Parenting, Family, and Legacies (39:23 - 44:41)

• Denis reflects on gratitude towards his immigrant parents’ support and his mother’s progressive values.

• Chelsea discusses her own upbringing, the freedom of being able to make a living as herself, and draws parallels to what modern comedians now enjoy in terms of creative liberty.

  “For me to go to her and my dad when I was 17 and go like, yeah, I think I want to be an actor ... instead they were like, okay, well, let's figure out how we could make that happen.” – Denis (39:23)

---

8. Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “You just got the ick. I like that you got the ick from cigarettes.”
  – Chelsea (10:43)
• “When people drink too much wine, especially red wine, you look like a jackass.”
  – Chelsea (06:09)
• “I could drink like a fucking fish … my parents are both from the same village in Ireland.” – Denis (07:07)
• “Conan self-proclaimed looks like an aging lesbian.”
  – Denis (15:55)
• “I haven’t quit [masturbation].”
  – Denis (14:14)
• “Let us know if there’s anything we can do for you, Chelsea. I’m like, yeah, how about a fucking foundation?”
  – Chelsea on RFK Jr. (58:42)
• “Your take on it hasn't been out there ... focus on that.”
  – Chelsea (65:37)
• “Welcome to the future, douchebag.”
  – Denis (69:18)

---

Timestamps for Major Segments

• Chelsea in Helsinki, setup w/ Denis Leary – 03:25
• Talking "Going Dutch", drinking, quitting smoking – 04:08–15:01
• Sleepwalking, Kardashian plane story – 19:06–29:34
• Caller Advice: DNA family secret – 50:43
• Caller Advice: Gym with RFK Jr. – 53:32
• Caller Advice: Breaking into comedy at 51 – 62:04
• Discussion on authenticity & family influences – 39:23–44:41

---

Tone & Atmosphere

• Unfiltered and self-deprecating: Lots of swearing, laughter, and mutual ribbing.
• Supportive and direct: Advice is honest, never sugarcoated, and prioritizes personal well-being.
• Insightful and grounded: Reflections on family, aging, and authenticity give depth to the humor.

---

Conclusion

A standout episode blending Chelsea Handler's trademark wit with Denis Leary's brash candor. The episode covers the hilarious (sleepwalking carnage on a plane, hatred of wine), sincere (quitting lifelong habits, gratitude to immigrant parents), and practical (advice for navigating secrets, anger, and the comedy scene). Listeners are left with both laughs and thoughtful takeaways on how to be real, face life's absurdities, and choose self-preservation over needless drama.

---

Transcript

[Chelsea Handler]

This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human. Ever been to the pharmacy counter and your mind goes blank when the pharmacist asks any questions? That's why you need to listen to beyond the Script from CVS Pharmacy and I Heart media. Hosted by Dr. Jake Goodman, each episode features real conversations with CVS pharmacists, the health experts you see most, breaking down the questions you wish you'd asked, from which meds may not mix well to what vaccines you need before a big trip. They will bust myths, decode trends, and share practical advice that you can actually use. Listen to beyond the script on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. After winter stillness, Spring invites you to open things up. With Pura's Spring collection, you can explore scents inspired by places. Sunlit terraces, blooming gardens, open air drifting through familiar rooms. It's not about starting over, it's about layering in sun. Something new, a small sensory shift that refreshes your space and how it feels to be in it. Open the door to spring with pura.com

[Commercial Announcer]

in the app of Ashley Madison we

[Chelsea Handler]

have only one rule.

[Commercial Announcer]

What the heart asketh, the world need not knoweth. For in the freedom of discretion lies

[Chelsea Handler]

all our most delicious desires.

[Commercial Announcer]

Download Ashley Madison today.

[Chelsea Handler]

Blessed are the discreet if you're looking for a wine that's not just delicious but also a total crowd pleaser, let me introduce you to Josh Sellars. And this California wine brand has over a dozen award winning wines. From crisp Sauvignon Blancs to velvety Merlots, Josh Sellars has the perfect wine for every occasion. Serving up a juicy steak at your next barbecue. Their Cabernet Sauvignon is the perfect pairing. Unwinding with friends after a long week, you can't go wrong with their Pinot Grigio. With so many delicious wines to choose from, Josh Sellers has something for everyone. Josh Sellars is a proud sponsor of Dear Chelsea. Visit www.joshcellars.com Chelsea and join the Wine Club to get 20% off. Please drink responsibly. Okay guys, I am officially on my High and Mighty Tour. March 13, Cleveland, Ohio March 14, Columbus, Ohio March 15, Cincinnati, Ohio and then March 20 is Denver, Colorado March 27, Portland, Maine March 28, Providence, Rhode Island March 29, Springfield, Massachusetts April 10 is Chicago I'll be at the Chicago Theater. April 11, Indianapolis, Indiana April 12, Louisville, Kentucky April 16 is Albuquerque, New Mexico April 17 is Mesa, Arizona April 23 is Kansas City, Missouri April 24 is St. Louis, Missouri April 25 is Minneapolis, Minnesota. April 30, Nashville, Tennessee. May 1 is Charlotte, North Carolina. May 2 is Durham, North Carolina. May 6, I'm doing Netflix as a joke festival. I will be in Los Angeles. That is a new announcement. Along with Atlantic City. May 15th, Saratoga, California. May 16th, Monterey, California. May 17th, Modesto, California. And then June 4th, Portchester, New York. June 5th is Boston, Mass. And June 12th is Portland, Oregon. And then Seattle is June 13th. So suck on that. Everybody go to chelseahandler.com for tickets. Hi, Katherine.

[Katherine]

Hi, Chelsea. Where in the world are you right now?

[Chelsea Handler]

I'm in Helsinki, actually. It's funny you mention that. I'm in Helsinki and I feel like I am in Russia. It is a very gloomy day. Not to confuse the Finnish people with Russians because that's probably not welcome.

[Katherine]

We won't be problematic today.

[Chelsea Handler]

It won't be problematic, but it is a very, very gloomy day in Helsinki. We came here for the night on our way to another place. And it is something like all people do here is sauna and karaoke.

[Katherine]

I mean, that sounds like a good time.

[Chelsea Handler]

I mean, if they put the karaoke in the sauna, I think that would be a better time.

[Katherine]

Absolutely. Well, our guest today is very exciting.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, yeah, I love him. He's one of my boyfriends. You know him from Rescue Me, his longtime standup career and his new series now in its second season on Hulu, which is called God, Going Dutch. Something that I never want to happen. Please welcome actor, producer, and comedian Denis Leary.

[Dennis Leary]

How are you, Chelsea? I'm good.

[Chelsea Handler]

Where are you? Are you in a hotel room?

[Dennis Leary]

I am in a hotel room in downtown New York because I'm shooting a bunch of stuff today. So this is the.

[Chelsea Handler]

So you're doing a podcast before you shoot your show?

[Dennis Leary]

No, I shot something this morning and then I'm doing a round of press for my show. Okay.

[Chelsea Handler]

For your show, which is called Going Dutch.

[Dennis Leary]

Going Dutch on Fox and streaming on Hulu.

[Chelsea Handler]

Season two People.

[Dennis Leary]

Season two. It's a half hour comedy. It's really funny. It's a great cast. The girl who plays my daughter is amazing. Taylor Michiak. Danny Pudi from Community is also one of my co stars. And my girlfriend this year in this season is played by Kristen Johnston, who's brilliant.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yes, she is.

[Dennis Leary]

So that's it. Everything about the show is out of the way.

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay, great.

[Dennis Leary]

Whatever the fuck you want to talk about.

[Chelsea Handler]

Well, I just want to make mention as part of the plotline in the show, you play a colonel who gets, well, deported, basically.

[Dennis Leary]

Yes.

[Chelsea Handler]

So very timely. Very, very timely.

[Dennis Leary]

It's very timely. I get deported and I get sent to Amsterdam because it's the most. It's actually based on a real base that got shut down, based in the Netherlands that literally was built to supply. To do the laundry for the other 32 NATO bases in Europe and to supply cheese and wine to those other bases.

[Chelsea Handler]

I know you don't drink anymore, so what do you think is more important out of those two responsibilities? The cheese and the wine or the laundry?

[Dennis Leary]

Okay, here's the fucking thing. Even when I drank because I'm Irish, I hated fucking wine.

[Chelsea Handler]

Listen, listen. I still drink because I'm not Irish, but I. I also hate fucking wine. I am so sick.

[Dennis Leary]

Wine sucks.

[Chelsea Handler]

Wine is a boring drink. And when people drink too much wine, especially red wine, you look like a jackass.

[Dennis Leary]

You look like a jackass, number one. Number two, when you start explaining to me all the things of the flavors and the sip. I don't want to sip it.

[Jennifer (Caller)]

That's not what.

[Dennis Leary]

I want to gulp it. I'm not there for the. The historical information about how it was bottled and you. You know what I mean?

[Chelsea Handler]

I once went on a date with a guy. It was. It wasn't a date. Well, I guess it was a date. It was a blind date. I went to go meet him at some bar in Santa Monica or hotel bar in Santa Monica. And I walked in, and he had a glass of shot chardonnay at night, and he was also wearing a leather bomber jacket, and so I had to leave. And then after the first, I ordered him, I had a gin and soda. He had a chardonnay. And after he goes, should we get another round? I said, no, this is it. I said, you should. No, I said, you should get another one because I'm leaving.

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah, and get rid of the bomber jacket and start drinking real booze.

[Chelsea Handler]

What was your drink of choice when you were off the wagon?

[Dennis Leary]

Oh, I'm so. I'm so fucking Irish. I'm so whiskey. I literally. I drank whiskey and beer and mostly whiskey, and I drank my whiskey straight, and I fucking loved it. And sometimes I would veer up and, like, in the summer, I would have vodka maybe everywhere. But I was like. I was so fucking Irish, and I had fucking two hollow legs, so I could drink like a fucking fish. And nobody ever saw me drunk because I'm fucking. I'm so 100%. My parents are both from the same village in Ireland, so it's. And, you know, my. My family. I'm from Massachusetts on top of that. So it's like, we still drink up there. Like it's 1954, you know, I mean, like, Jack Kennedy is in the Senate. That's what. Like, there's no. People are still drinking. Like, my family is. Beer is not alcohol. Beer is like water. Right. So you're just drinking beer all day.

[Chelsea Handler]

A lot of beer. In my defensive beer. A lot of beer does taste like water, specifically, like Coors Light or Michelob Light. Like, those light beers taste like water. I don't even know what the appeal is.

[Dennis Leary]

But the other thing is, like, even with Guinness, my mother, God rest her soul, she just passed away this year. 98.

[Chelsea Handler]

Wow.

[Dennis Leary]

She was like. Guinness was protein. Guinness was like, if you were sick, the other whiskey was nyquil. When I was growing up, they didn't. They get. If you got sick, they gave you whiskey and make you go to bed when you're eight.

[Chelsea Handler]

I still take whiskey when I have a little cough because I. Somebody told me that that works. Or a fireball. I'll take a shot of fireball or shot of whiskey.

[Dennis Leary]

What do you normally drink? What's your normal drink?

[Chelsea Handler]

Right now, I have my own alcoholic drink. It's called Chelsea Handler's Vodka Lemonade. So I drink a lot of that, and those are nice and light. But when I'm out at dinner and I have to order a cocktail, I get a gin with a splash of soda. And in Canada, which is where I live in the wintertime, you have to get a double. Well, you don't have to, but I have to get a double because the shots here are like, you know, one little jigger, and I like two. I want an American serving, so I get to always get a double and then a splash of soda. So mostly gin, but it's something to cut the gin a little bit, but not too much.

[Dennis Leary]

Well, that's the. You know, that's enduring the Karen Reed trial, when people were so shocked that she was in a bar with her friends, and they would order drinks and then order two extra double shots of vodka on the side to pour into the ring. It's because that you don't put in. They're not putting enough booze in. I remember that.

[Chelsea Handler]

Right.

[Dennis Leary]

You know, from drinking.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah.

[Dennis Leary]

Like, in a bar, you almost need to bring your own backup bottle so that you can fill.

[Chelsea Handler]

Right. It's called a flask, basically. Right. That's what we're talking about.

[Dennis Leary]

I never. I never carried a flask.

[Chelsea Handler]

You look great, Dennis.

[Dennis Leary]

I mean, you do.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, you do.

[Dennis Leary]

You look good.

[Chelsea Handler]

You look fresh.

[Dennis Leary]

I mean, you're crazy.

[Chelsea Handler]

You're almost. I don't know if you're going to have a problem with me saying this on the air, but you're. You're going to be 70 years old soon.

[Dennis Leary]

I know, it's unbelievable.

[Chelsea Handler]

And then what happens?

[Dennis Leary]

And I smoked like five packs a day until like five years ago. It's crazy.

[Chelsea Handler]

I can't believe you were able to quit smoking on top of it. That is very impressive.

[Dennis Leary]

Do you want to hear? I'm going to make you very angry now, and a lot of my friends are already angry. And I'm just telling you, it's not bragging, it's just the truth. I never fucking intended to quit smoking. I loved fucking smoke. I fucking loved it. And then my kids asked me, my wife asked me, my mother asked. I was like, I'm just never going to do it. And I was outside, like in the summertime, like five years ago, and I. I went outside to smoke a cigarette, and I smoked a cigarette. And literally at the end of that cigarette, I went, nah, I think I'm done. And I was like, ah, that's bullshit. So I got up the next morning, I had a full pack. I went three days. And finally my wife said, hey, what's going on? Are you not smoking? And I was like, yeah, I think I quit. And I fucking quit.

[Chelsea Handler]

What?

[Katherine]

You just got the ick.

[Dennis Leary]

I know. It's so fucking stupid.

[Chelsea Handler]

You just got the ick. Like Catherine said. I like that you got the ick from cigarettes.

[Dennis Leary]

It's unbelie. And I've never gone back.

[Chelsea Handler]

That is crazy.

[Dennis Leary]

I mean, that's crazy. I have no explanation.

[Chelsea Handler]

I've had similar experiences with things where I'm just like, oh, I'm done now. But for most people. But I mean, like, what people?

[Dennis Leary]

Men. Mostly men.

[Chelsea Handler]

Cigarettes. I quit for 10 years. I got hypnotized, and I quit, but I was never very. A crazy smoker. I smoke when I drank, but then I drank all the time. So then I smoked all the time. But then I just curtailed my behavior, you know, like, I just had a revamp. I was like, all right, listen.

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah, yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

I don't want to have to quit either one of these things ever. So just dial it all back and just re. Regroup and recalibrate. And I'm pretty good at that in my life. So I went through a period of like 10 years where I drank, but I did not smoke one cigarette. And I just didn't drink as much as I. That would get me into trouble. And I didn't do any drugs that would make me want to smoke because that was usually the gateway for me.

[Dennis Leary]

What was the gateway? Like, weed?

[Chelsea Handler]

No, just like, you know, tripping or anything. Any. Any substance makes you want to just take it up a notch. So I quit drinking. I quit smoking. And then I was in Europe, and people were smoking there, like it was just, you know, had just been invented. And I was like, oh, are people smoking in Europe? Are you? And then I was like, well, I guess you can't get cancer over here. And then I. I had a couple cigarettes on vacation in Europe, and I remember coming back and being disgusted with myself. I'm like, who do you think you are? You're in your 40s. At the time, I was in my 40s. I'm now 50. And I was like, you just can't sm like your skin, everything. You're looking old. Like, it's a vanity thing more than anything, you know? Of course it's a health thing. But first and foremost for me, it was a vanity thing. So I dabble once in a while, but I don't really smoke cigarettes. You know what I mean? If I'm in Vegas and we're gambling and somebody has a cigarette and I'm lit enough, I will have a cigarette. But as soon as I take a puff, I'm like, why did I do that? It's disgusting.

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah, well, I mean, I fucking love

[Chelsea Handler]

them, but, I mean, I liked your. I liked your. Your hero story.

[Dennis Leary]

It's. I don't think of it as a hero or champion story, because I can't. I can't. I'm not. It's not that I'm proud. I'm glad I quit smoking.

[Chelsea Handler]

You don't feel victorious?

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah, I just felt like I literally. I'm such a fucking addictive personality that I just was like, oh, my brain, without even telling me, was like, all right, so that. We're done now. This was the last one. And, you know, Colin Quinn and all these friends of mine that quit smoking over and over. I had a great friend of mine. He. He was. Adam Roth, was my guitar player in my show band, but he was a famous guitar player. He was in the Jim Carroll Band and he was in the Del Fuegos. He was every. At one point in his life, he was everything. When he was in the Jim Carroll band, they were all speedball junkies. They smoked, they drank, they shot speedballs. That's what they did.

[Chelsea Handler]

And that's coke and heroin, right?

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah. So he was addicted to everything and then pills. And then he quit everything. And he said the hardest thing for me to quit was the cigarettes. And he. He did. Throughout his life. He kept going back to the cigarettes. So I just thought, like, based on his experience, I'm never going to quit. It's too hard to quit. Not going to quit. And so I think I can't take any credit for it. Some part of my brain went, you're done.

[Chelsea Handler]

I wonder how common that is that people actually just quit doing something because they have just reached the end of their rope. And it's not even a. Really. Doesn't sound like a rope. It's just like, I'm no longer interested in doing this.

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah. And I listen. I did a lot of it. So it's not like I believe you, Dennis. I believe you. I jerk off a lot.

[Chelsea Handler]

I believe that, too.

[Dennis Leary]

I haven't quit that.

[Chelsea Handler]

So I believe that, too. You've been married for 44 years, so I'm sure there's a lot of masturbating happening because I'm sure your wife is so sick of your shit.

[Dennis Leary]

My wife was sick of my shit two years into the relationship.

[Chelsea Handler]

I believe that, too.

[Dennis Leary]

And here we are, 40 something years.

[Chelsea Handler]

44 years you've been married, Dennis Leary. 44 years. That's amazing.

[Dennis Leary]

Well, we've only been married. We've only been married. We would live together for seven years before we got married. So I don't know what the math is because that's not what I majored in.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, 44 minus 7.

[Dennis Leary]

So neither one of us is a math mate.

[Katherine]

37.

[Dennis Leary]

How many figure that out?

[Chelsea Handler]

I'm pretty sure 7 plus 4 is 11.

[Dennis Leary]

So I guess that 44 minus 7. I guess 37 would be 37. 37.

[Chelsea Handler]

37.

[Dennis Leary]

So I've been married for 37 years.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. But, you know, I want to say something about your age, first of all, because being married for that long is a feat. And yeah, your wife is probably. She's probably got a lot to say about it. But I also want to say about men your age, you know, sometimes when men get older. Not sometimes. A lot of times when men get older, they start to transition into a woman. They start to look a little bit softer around the edges, and they turn into sort of, you know, a femme bottom, if you will.

[Dennis Leary]

Yes.

[Chelsea Handler]

And I've seen a lot of older men. I guess it's the testosterone. You lose the testosterone. And I guess, I don't know. Are men taking estrogen? Because it looks like it, but you don't look like you're turning into a full blown woman. I just want to say that.

[Dennis Leary]

Well, listen, I just want to say this. I think men do tend to start to look like aging lesbians at a certain point. I was just hanging out with Conan recently and.

[Chelsea Handler]

Do you think Conan is starting to look like an aging lesbian?

[Dennis Leary]

Conan self proclaimed looks like an aging lesbian.

[Chelsea Handler]

Conan has been a proclaimed lesbian. Lesbian forces. Since I've met him, since I've known him. And I'm sure you've known him longer.

[Dennis Leary]

I've known him well, you know he's my cousin. Right. Which is weird.

[Chelsea Handler]

No, maybe I did know that.

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah. Yeah. It's like he's my fourth cousin. But listen, the thing about. There's nothing you can do about it unless you're going to have some kind of plastic surgery or start shooting testosterone.

[Chelsea Handler]

Have you had plastic surgery, Dennis?

[Dennis Leary]

No. No.

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay. Because you look really good for 70 years old.

[Dennis Leary]

I'm not fucking dating.

[Chelsea Handler]

I know, but you never really know. Listen, you never know what? I don't have the patience for this plastic surgery.

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah, you go and get surgery and then you got to recover. I don't have time for that.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, okay, okay.

[Dennis Leary]

Also, I don't like, here's my thing. Almost every guy. And you know, you've probably had this experience with men where you go, you like, you don't you. You're working with an actor and you go like, this is weird. This guy looks different from the last time I saw him. Right. And a lot of them don't own up to it. But if you know the guy long enough, you say, hey, did you do something to your face? He's like, oh, yeah, I had a little bit of.

[Chelsea Handler]

I.

[Dennis Leary]

You start to look like you do look like a lesbian at that point. You look like, you know, you're not looking like a man anymore. Your face is not aging. I think for an actor and a comedian, like, you know, male comedian, getting. What are you doing?

[Chelsea Handler]

Right, right. And most men, when I see a man get plastic surgery that you don't detect. You're like, you're supposed to just look refreshed. You're not supposed to look like a woman. Or, I mean, it's some plastic surgeries. If you're transitioning, I can't speak for

[Dennis Leary]

anybody except myself, but yeah, you can't

[Chelsea Handler]

speak for anyone that's transitioning. And Dennis, I tend to disagree.

[Dennis Leary]

I can't speak to. For a lot of people. I can't speak for anybody except me.

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay, great, great answer. Great straight male answer. Let's go.

[Dennis Leary]

But I will say this. If you're a fucking character actor, right, or you're a fucking comedian, and in my case, I consider myself both. Like what? Why would you not want to look whatever the way is you're looking as you age? Because that's part of what you're. Your truth that you're telling, right? So it's weird. It's fucking weird.

[Chelsea Handler]

And how's your hair doing? Your hair looks beautiful and bountiful.

[Dennis Leary]

I know. I fucking. I get it's genetic.

[Chelsea Handler]

I mean, you really do have good genes.

[Dennis Leary]

Well, here's the thing.

[Chelsea Handler]

I don't think I've ever been more attracted to you.

[Dennis Leary]

This thing, and it's all zoom, but we.

[Chelsea Handler]

I'm always a little attracted to you because I've told you that my sister has a huge crush on you. And by osmosis, I've always. She's always pushed me in your direction. Have Dennis Leary on Talk to Dennis Leary.

[Dennis Leary]

I love Dennis Leary. Your sister is so fucking smart. And she has such great taste in men. I always said that about her.

[Chelsea Handler]

Here's my next question. Why are you. I thought you moved to New York. Why are you in a hotel room?

[Dennis Leary]

Oh, it's. It's a long story, but I bet

[Chelsea Handler]

I know the answer. Your wife doesn't want you around when you're doing press because you're too annoying talking about yourself all day, probably.

[Dennis Leary]

My wife has write. She's a writer, so she's working on her book. She does not want me around even if I'm in the same place with her. She doesn't want to see me until. Except in the morning and when she's done writing in the afternoon. And that's basically it. Maybe we watch something together. It's a. We have the. We have the relationship figured out. No, I'm just. I'm doing such crazy amount of press these last three days that I'm in. This is very convenient because it's. It's between two places I have to be.

[Chelsea Handler]

And it's also great for your sleepwalking because if you sleepwalk in a hotel room, like, you're. It's only. You're only going to injure yourself or, you know, hopefully no one else.

[Dennis Leary]

And the windows don't open up here.

[Chelsea Handler]

What happens with you when you sleepwalk at home? How often does this happen?

[Dennis Leary]

Did we talk about this on the talk show one time?

[Chelsea Handler]

I don't remember. Do we? You're the sober one. You would remember. I don't remember if we talked about this. But I like it. I like the subject of sleepwalking.

[Dennis Leary]

I haven't remembered a sleepwalking experience in a few years now.

[Chelsea Handler]

So that means you're in the clear. Maybe you just got icked out by sleepwalking too. And we're like, forget it. I'm done with you too.

[Katherine]

Maybe the smoking was causing it.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. Oh, that would be a fascinating medical correlation if you quit smoking and that ended your sleepwalking. Wow.

[Dennis Leary]

Wow. I'd have to. I have to find out from Mike Birbiglia if that can happen for him.

[Chelsea Handler]

Mike Birbiglia?

[Dennis Leary]

Mike Birbiglia. He wrote an entire show about it. Yeah, it's crazy, man. And I haven't. Oh my God. It's like I still don't sleep on airplanes anymore because. You know that Kardashian story, right?

[Chelsea Handler]

No. Have you been traveling with the Kardashians recently?

[Dennis Leary]

I did. This is years ago now. This is like almost probably. It's gotta be at least 15 years ago this happened.

[Chelsea Handler]

What? Okay.

[Dennis Leary]

Longer.

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay.

[Dennis Leary]

So I thought I sleepwalk. I've always slept, walked. So here's my worst thing I ever did when sleepwalking. I was taking a flight, New York to Los Angeles to publicize Rescue Me. So it was during Rescue Me and I was doing Conan was the first show I was going to do the. The day that I landed.

[Chelsea Handler]

Because he's your first. Because he's your fourth cousin removed.

[Dennis Leary]

Well, he was. This is how long ago it was. It was when. I think it was when he was doing the Tonight Show.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, okay.

[Dennis Leary]

So that would have been whenever the fuck.

[Chelsea Handler]

That was a highlight of his career, I'm sure. Yeah.

[Dennis Leary]

Nine months, which is still hard to remember. Anyways, he's. He's never gotten over that. So I. I'm taking this flight that I always take from New York to la, which leaves first thing in the morning, six o' clock in the morning. So when you get to the airport at like 4:30 or 5, you know, there's nobody there. And first class is usually empty. So I get there. It's me, Dave Franco.

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay.

[Dennis Leary]

Or James. Which one was the one that was sexually had.

[Chelsea Handler]

I think it was.

[Dennis Leary]

Was it James?

[Katherine]

James is the one we don't talk about anymore.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's a more sexual one, publicly sexual one, I think some cancellation situation.

[Dennis Leary]

Which one was the more publicly sexual? Franco?

[Chelsea Handler]

There's always a very publicly sexual assault.

[Dennis Leary]

Who was the one that.

[Chelsea Handler]

On the first class flight from LAX to JFK or vice versa, there's usually

[Dennis Leary]

a person on that first class Flight in show business, who's teaching an acting class and molesting students. So I think. I think in this case, it was allegedly. Anyways, so it's me, James Francois, and the Kardashians show up on the flight in the first class lounge. Okay, Right. So. And again, this is me. I'm so judgmental that I'm like, all right, look at the Kardashians. In my head, like, look at them. And they. Again, to my credit, they did start bitching about the first class lounge food, which was all really fresh, like, just put out eggs, whatever. So I'm totally judgmental about them. And this is when she was still Bruce Jenner. And it was Bruce Jenner, the mom, and a bunch of the girls, except not Kim and not Khloe.

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay.

[Dennis Leary]

And it was a bunch of girls and one boy. So I don't know all the Kardashians, but there was a bunch of.

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay, the boy's Rob. Rob Kardashian.

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah, I guess so.

[Chelsea Handler]

He's like the Roy of our family. That's how I know his name. He definitely is.

[Dennis Leary]

So we go, we get on the plane, and again, like, I do have. I'm aware of the fact at this point in my life that I have a sleepwalking problem, but up to this point in my life, I had never slept, walk, or did anything on a plane. Right. Now, here's the other side thing. Because of Rescue Me, when there's an air marshal on a flight, they always kind of let me know, like, hey, you know, I'm a fan of Rescue Me. And they. They usually give me a little pin, you know, or something connected to their. To their job.

[Chelsea Handler]

To remind our listeners who aren't familiar with Rescue Me, that was a phenomenal show about firefighters. Show about firefighters, yeah. That he starred in for many years. It won a lot of Emmys. It was a very, very well received. Received and a very great show.

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah. And it was at that time still on. That's when I was publicizing, I think. So anyways, this guy comes up to me again. I could spot him. I knew he was an air marshal before he told me. He's like, I'm an air marshal, blah, blah. Oh, great. Nice to meet you. I'm on your flight. Great. Get on the plane. Kardashians are over on. That's one side. I'm on the other side. There's nobody else. The Kardashians. James Franco is the only person in the middle, and then me, I'm the only. It's basically empty first class. So the air Marshal goes, hey, you mind if I sit next to you and just talk to you? And I was like, no, not at all.

[Chelsea Handler]

Do you typically like that kind of activity when you're on a plane talking to strangers, or did you make the exception because it was an air marshal?

[Dennis Leary]

Because it's an air marshal, and, you know, he's got an interesting job. He's got. Probably got some great stories, right? So now we. We sit down, and the plane takes off, and we're talking for a little while, and then he kind of. He's. He can't fall asleep, but he's. You know, the conversation is dying down. Before I know it, I wake up because I. I have him trapped in the chair. I'm standing over him. I have his legs clenched in between my legs, and I'm fucking hitting him in the head and in the. In the chest with a water bottle that has exploded. It's. There's just water everywhere. And somebody is grabbing me from behind. And. And Bruce Jenner is on the floor, in the. On the aisle. In my aisle, on the floor in a karate stance, like, he's about to attack me, like, making karate noises. And his entire. The Kardashians had me over there. Everybody's going scared, and I'm like. And the air marshal's going, like, trying to grab my arms and screaming like,

[Chelsea Handler]

what the fuck, man?

[Dennis Leary]

What the. And I immediately know that I have been asleep in a dream, like sleepwalking, but nobody else knows that.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh.

[Dennis Leary]

So I stop, and I'm like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I sleepwalk. I sleepwalk. I like yelling it. And everybody's like, oh, my God. Everybody settles down. I'm like, I'm so sorry. I sleepwalk. I should have told you guys. Now they take us into the little, you know, pantry.

[Chelsea Handler]

Cockpit.

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah, not the cockpit, but the fucking. The galley. And because his pants are fucking. The crotch of his pants are completely soaked. He's completely soaked. He's rip shit, by the way, as you can imagine. And so are the stewardesses. And I'm like, I'm so sorry. So I go in the galley with them, and one of them had a blow dryer. So they would plug in the blow dryer and try to blow dry his pants. And I feel so bad. And he's literally like, you fucking should tell people that you have that problem. And I was like, I don't. I didn't plan on falling asleep. I'm so sorry. Whatever. And I'M in my head. I'm like, the best part about this is I know I slept like five hours. So the flight. I have like an hour left in this flight.

[Chelsea Handler]

And by the way, maybe the reason why you fell into such a deep slumber was because this man was.

[Dennis Leary]

Talk could be his own fault.

[Chelsea Handler]

You know what I mean? I mean, just why not repoint the finger back at him?

[Katherine]

Yeah, he didn't have good stories after all.

[Chelsea Handler]

I mean, why.

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah, why would you, by the way

[Chelsea Handler]

we react that way in your sleep, punch somebody with a bottle of water unless they were super annoying, super boring.

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah. And by the way, we were 20 minutes into the flight, there was still like another four and a half.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, God.

[Dennis Leary]

And he. And I had to sit by my. I went back out and sat by myself with Bruce Jenner and the whole Jenner family, like, throwing me looks. And even James Franco was like, what the fuck? Yeah, you know, I mean, this is pre sexual, you know, scandal, so.

[Chelsea Handler]

Right, right. No, there were no sexual scandals before this happened. None. Not one.

[Dennis Leary]

So anyways, I got to LA and I told Brian Kiley is one of Conan's guys, who's one of his writers and still is. And so I told Kylie, you know what happened? He's like, you gotta tell that story on the show. And I'm like, I'm not fucking telling that story. And then when I got there, because it's the same day, Conan's like, if you don't tell the story, I'm going to tell the story. So I was like, so I told it on the air back whenever it was 2010, but now I do not sleep on planes. I'll take a very brief, like five minute nap holding like an iPad or something that could fall, but I will not fall asleep.

[Chelsea Handler]

You know, they have those like straight jackets you can get for yourself so that you can put your arms around your own body. And it's kind of like it works as two things. One, to protect you from other people if you're a sleepwalker. And two, you can kind of hold yourself like a baby.

[Dennis Leary]

I'm really, I'm not interested in holding

[Chelsea Handler]

myself, but maybe that's the kind of soothing you need. What if this goes all the way back to your childhood and you find out you were never held as a baby and that's why you have these outbursts. First of all, the chances of you doing that to anyone other like the fact that you did it to an air marshal, someone who's trained to actually deal with this kind of.

[Dennis Leary]

What are the odds.

[Chelsea Handler]

Well, yeah, exactly, because if that would have been a real person, you would have been in a lot of trouble. They would have probably pressed charges for assault.

[Dennis Leary]

Well, on top of which, he could have killed me, like, with one. Like, just with his, like, thumb and forefinger if he wanted.

[Commercial Announcer]

Right.

[Chelsea Handler]

He's like, I'm coming up here. He's like, I'm coming on this flight to find terrorists, and what I'm dealing with is just an errant baby. Dennis Miller. Dennis. Dennis Leary. Miller. Dennis Miller. Leary.

[Dennis Leary]

I was on a flight. That's what I told people, by the way.

[Chelsea Handler]

I was like, I'm Dennis Miller for this episode. I like to say.

[Dennis Leary]

Well, I would have said. I would have said, like, if he didn't know I was Dennis Leary, I could have said, I'm Willem Dafoe and pass off Kevin Baker.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dennis Leary]

Jane lynch, anybody? Ellen DeGeneres. I mean, just blame it on anybody

[Chelsea Handler]

is a good comp for you. Jane Lynch. What about. Yeah, you get confused with Willem Dafoe a lot, don't you?

[Dennis Leary]

All the time.

[Chelsea Handler]

Who do you think I get confused with a lot of?

[Jennifer (Caller)]

I don't.

[Dennis Leary]

I would think you're so original that you.

[Chelsea Handler]

Thank you.

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Elizabeth Banks. I get confused with Elizabeth Banks.

[Dennis Leary]

Oh, yes. Okay, interesting.

[Chelsea Handler]

And in my earlier years, Jenny McCarthy and Pam Anderson, when I was really young and I was just boobies out then, it was really all about that.

[Dennis Leary]

Okay, wait a minute, Wait a minute. Like, you're not boobies out now?

[Chelsea Handler]

No, they're out, but they're not free. I don't have my nipples exposed. I don't do that kind of stuff anymore. Really? I have nephews, and they were icked out by it.

[Dennis Leary]

And I thought, Yeah, I thought, thank God there's no video of you, like, naked skiing in there.

[Chelsea Handler]

Exactly. Thank God that's not out there.

[Dennis Leary]

Thank God that's not out there for those kids.

[Chelsea Handler]

Ever been at the pharmacy counter and the pharmacist asks, do you have any questions? And suddenly your mind goes blank? That's exactly why you need to listen to beyond the script from CVS Pharmacy and iHeartMedia. Hosted by Dr. Jake Goodman, this podcast brings you real conversations with CVS pharmacists. I need to get on this. The health experts you see most answering the questions you wish you'd asked, like, which medications might not mix well, which vaccines should you consider before a big trip? And even those questions you were too embarrassed to say out loud. Each episode busts myths, decodes health trends, and gives you practical, trustworthy Advice straight from the people behind the counter. No white coats, no lectures. Just real talk, real answers, and maybe a few laughs. Listen to beyond the script on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Commercial Announcer]

In a world of oversharing, dating remains sacred. Meet the new Ashley Madison. Discreet dating. No public posts. No feed Adults connecting in private. Ashley Madison. Blessed are the discreet. Download the app or visit ashleymadison.com iheartmedia

[Chelsea Handler]

after the big Game like everyone else, I had opinions about the commercials because of course I did. And there was one that I couldn't stop thinking about from the Blue Square Alliance Against Hate. It showed a Jewish kid being targeted at school, not in some overproduced movie scene way, but in a way that felt very real and very relatable. And as someone who is Jewish, I can tell you those moments are not small, even when people try to treat them that way. What the ad captured so well is that antisemitism doesn't always show up yelling. Sometimes it's quiet, sometimes it's casual, and the impact is still huge. The response in the ad wasn't perfect or dramatic. It was human, which, honestly, is what can actually make a difference. So if you saw the Blue Square alliance commercial during the Big Game, I hope you really watched it. And if you want to show support, sharing the Blue Square is an easy way to say you noticed and that you care. You can also learn more by following and upto Jewish hate on Instagram or TikTok or by visiting standuptojewish8.org Home is your favorite place. Spring is when you let it feel a little bit more transportive. Discover vibrant scents inspired by places. Bright citrus, fresh florals, clean air. Energy designed to refresh your space without adding complexity. Just plug in, choose your scent, and let the season unfold room by room. Explore the spring collection [e-mail]

[Katherine]

I have

[Chelsea Handler]

a sports question for you, Dennis. I recently got into betting on sports just so that I can remain interested in professional basketball, football games. And then I learned that these guys are throwing games. Like there's all this stuff happening, right?

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Where they can throw. They can throw points and stuff. And I'm like, wait, why are we betting on things when we don't even know who's getting bribed? But as somebody who is such a hardcore, you know, massive Boston person, okay, you were indie and now you're living in New York. How does that impact your. Your loyalty to your sports teams?

[Dennis Leary]

Because, well, I don't gamble at all.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, I'M sure you don't. You can't. You're an addict.

[Dennis Leary]

No, I just can't. You know, if I. When I was a kid, my brother. My older brother was. He ran a football ticket at one point when we were in high school. And I was like, I tried it and I was. I gave him like 25 bucks, which is a lot of fucking money at that time. And he was like, yeah, you know, with this parlay, you could do this and this and nothing. I lost everything. And I was like, I'm not fucking doing this. I'd rather set my money on fire. So I'm not going to gamble. I have enough invested emotionally in the fucking game.

[Chelsea Handler]

So who is your team now?

[Dennis Leary]

Well, I'm all. I'm all Boston teams. Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

You don't have any affinity towards the Knicks?

[Dennis Leary]

I have a soft spot for the Knicks because I have so many friends in New York, and I think when the Knicks are good, it's good for the entire. For all of basketball, right? But all the New York teams, I have so many friends here in LA that I have a sympathy for. Like, those teams need to be good for the. All the different sports. Those, the. It's important to have good teams in LA and New York, New York. Doesn't make any sense to me. You have so much fucking money. How can you have a bad team? How can the Knicks be bad for now? They're. They're good. They need to win now, right? Cause they're. They're actually set up for that. I love Brunson. I think he's great. So, I don't know. I have a soft spot for the Knicks.

[Chelsea Handler]

I went to the Knicks game a few weeks ago. I bet some money on it. I was with a new guy that I'm dating, and we won. And I believe, like, the energy was in the right spot. I was like, we're gonna. We're going to the game. It's a home game. Let's bet. I mean, I wasn't my idea, let's be honest. But I'm really into betting because that's the only way I could pay attention to sports. I'm just not interested otherwise.

[Dennis Leary]

But also, you're not a Knicks fan.

[Chelsea Handler]

No, but I'm a New Yorker, like, you know, at heart, I'm from New Jersey. Knicks is my team. If I had to choose a team, it would be the New York Knicks. But I wouldn't say yes. I'm not like some avid Knicks fan watching their, you know, watching their games all the time. I don't want to falsely, you know, represent myself.

[Dennis Leary]

You're not waking up in the morning and looking at the highlights of the

[Chelsea Handler]

game if you miss the ball. I wouldn't even know what site that was. You know what I mean?

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay.

[Dennis Leary]

So I mean, that's. I do that not only with my teams, if I miss the games, but like, I'm sports. I get up in the morning, I watch get up. I watch Stephen A. You know, all the time. Yeah.

[Commercial Announcer]

Yeah.

[Jennifer (Caller)]

So you're.

[Dennis Leary]

I'm a fanatic.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. You're upset. And are you kids too?

[Dennis Leary]

My son is. My daughter got into football. My daughter is a writer, but she got into football because when they started doing the documentaries about the receivers and the quarterbacks and she got to see behind the scenes, like, Hard Knocks, like, what? She got emotionally invested in football. So now she cares about football because of the stories behind, you know, behind the athletes.

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay, we're gonna get into the next portion of this show, which is where we give advice to real life callers. I'm sure you're gonna be terrible at this, but I wanna ask you a question first.

[Dennis Leary]

Do you remember I'm really good at this?

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, no, I bet you are. You have too much life. If you have this much life experience and you're not good at giving people feedback objectively, then there's bigger problems. And since you got rid of all the main obstacles in your life that were preventing you from really, I guess, sitting still and growing up, then I guess, yeah, you're prime. But can you remember a piece of either really good or really bad advice that you've received over the years?

[Dennis Leary]

Oh, yeah. Fuck, yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

What's a piece of really bad advice that someone has given you?

[Dennis Leary]

This nun. Sister Judith Kapman was her name. She was the fucking Spanish nun. I flunked a lot of things when I was in high school. Cause I could only care about the things I was good at, which was smoking, drinking, girls. That was it. And being funny. So I'd flunked Spanish twice. And the second time she said to me, I can still remember it, she was like, leary, I'm going to pass you just so I can get you out of this building. Right? And I was like, huh, that's. Okay, Great.

[Chelsea Handler]

You're like, is that a compliment?

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah, that's what I thought. And she goes, what are you going to do with yourself? Nothing's going to. You can't learn Spanish. You can't. You don't apply yourself, you're never going to go anywhere. And I was like, okay. She's like, you need to learn Spanish. And I was like, man, not really.

[Chelsea Handler]

You don't need to learn Spanish for what you're going to do. That's for sure.

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

I just want you to know that I've been learning Spanish for about 10 years, and it's been a slow roll. Very slow. But it does feel good to be able to communicate in a different language. It makes me. I felt like, for my life. I don't want to go through this life not knowing another language. I feel like America is already too stupid, you know what I mean? As, like, out of respect for others, I need to learn another language.

[Dennis Leary]

So how far along are you?

[Chelsea Handler]

I'm about 10 years in. Of light Spanish.

[Dennis Leary]

You can have a conversation?

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, I can have a light conversation. I can't have, like, a political conversation. And I can't, you know, it's. It's not going to be sophisticated, but I can. I can get us from point A to point B. If you and I were dropped somewhere in the Canary Islands and I had to navigate our way back to the port and get us on a plane without you talking to anyone, we would get it done.

[Dennis Leary]

Okay, I got it. My wife speaks a little bit of Spanish, so you probably speak it like her.

[Jennifer (Caller)]

Perhaps.

[Chelsea Handler]

Perhaps.

[Dennis Leary]

Hey, listen, I know some Spanish.

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay? Okay. Calm down. It's not a competition.

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah, no.

[Chelsea Handler]

So I asked you what the worst piece of advice is. That wasn't the worst piece of advice. That was just someone berating you, your teacher being terrible at Spanish. So that wasn't advice. That was kind of a reaction.

[Dennis Leary]

Okay, well, here's a great piece of advice that Andrew Dice Clay gave me. When I first got famous, okay? I was doing a photo shoot for some fucking magazine. I had just gotten famous. He's already famous. He's the Dice. He's already. He's been famous long enough that he had the. The big thing where he hit. And then he did that movie, and the movie bombed. Right. Fort Fairland. The Adventures of Fort.

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay.

[Dennis Leary]

And by the way, I like Dice. He's a very nice guy. But I hadn't met Dice at this point. So I was coming into the photo shoot and he was just leaving, I guess, from having done it for the sake of the.

[Chelsea Handler]

What a lucky photographer, you two. Back to back.

[Dennis Leary]

I know. Back to back. Jesus, what a fucking. A couple of really fucking, like, Harvard graduates. Anyways, he goes to me, I go, hey, man, it's really nice to meet you, but we had some mutual friends, and he's like, hey, it's nice to meet you. Let me give you a piece of advice. And I literally was like, okay. Because he's a. He's been. He goes, forget the fucking movies. It's no good. The acting is a dead end. Stick with the comedy. And he goes walking down the stairs. And I'm like, that's not. What the fuck is that? What kind of advice is that to give to a young guy starting out?

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah.

[Dennis Leary]

So he. It was just reflective of his experience at the time, but that was terrible fucking advice.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, that sounds like he was pissed about what happened to him and had no. Okay, well, let's forget about the bad advice then. Your mother just passed away. What was something that she told you or that advice that she gave you or something that she had said throughout her life that you listened to?

[Dennis Leary]

She was an amazing woman. My parents came here by boat, right? And they came here in 1950 from Ireland. That woman. Yeah, from Ireland. With very little education, Big huge families, the whole nine yards, right? And my mother was, like, on the cutting. First of all, she was the boss. Like, she really ran the house. My dad was always working. But this woman literally was on the cutting edge, like civil rights, women's rights, gay rights, every right down the line. She hated fucking Trump. She fucking hated him. She felt like she had lived in this country long enough to see everything happen in terms of equal rights for people and women and everything. So she thought. Saw what was happening with. They were pulling the country back to the way it was before she had even come here. But her whole thing was, like, the reason that we came to America, so that you kids could be whatever you want. You know what I mean? Which is an amazing thing for an immigrant parent to say to kids, which is just go, like, you want to go to college? Let's find a way to get you to college. What do you want to be? Be what you want to be. Because we didn't come here, so you had to work, enslave, and not enjoy what you did for a living. And that's like that. For me to go to her and my dad when I was 17 and go like, yeah, I think I want to be an actor. The easiest thing would be to say, what, are you nuts? But instead they were like, okay, well, let's figure out how we could make that happen. Which is crazy, because they didn't have money to send me to college. So that's. I always remembered that. Which is. It's such a very stark, pure message. Like, I say that to my kids when they were growing up. I said, your grandparents didn't come here so that you could end up not doing something that you love.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's interesting you say that, because my mom was an immigrant also. She was from Germany, and she married my dad, who was not an immigrant. And when she came over here when I grew up, and I kind of saw their dynamic and how beholden she was to him financially. And all the responsibilities and the finances were all taken care of by my father. And my mom was for the cooking and the cleaning and the caretaking and everything. I just remember thinking, I don't wanna be dependent on a man. And my mom goes, you're so lucky that you have the option to not have to deal with that. Like, you're so lucky that you're growing up in a country where you're able to pursue whatever dream you. That is imaginable. And my dream was. I didn't even know what my dream was. I just wanted to be heard and seen and, you know, it was pretty shallow to start with. I just wanted to get out and to bloom, like. But what I've realized now after so many years is that I've made a living by being myself. Like, by, by, by just being myself. Nobody ever said that was even an option growing up, right? And what many of us do as comedians is to make money at being ourselves. We're telling our stories, we're doing our thing. We're not putting on any acts or playing a character. And that is really, like, unreal to think about, right?

[Dennis Leary]

It really is.

[Chelsea Handler]

Like, for my mom or your mom to see you and how you operate through the world, and then my mom, the same thing. Watching us come up and actually realize our dreams and pursue our dreams must have been like, wow, you are. You know, this is a different generation. We get to watch them now pursue the things that they care about instead of just surviving.

[Dennis Leary]

But here's the thing, Chelsea, and it's again, you can tell this to people, young comedians or young actors, whatever, and they probably think it sounds empty because they've heard cliched versions of. But it's really true, which is, I learned it when I was very young. I think I was in acting school when I saw an interview with Richard Pryor, who was one of my. I think is the greatest comedian who ever lived. But he was one of my heroes as a comedy hero. He said when he made the transition from being on the Ed Sullivan show and a clean cut version of him so to being the real Richard Pryor, he said, I wanted to Become the guy that was in the living room with my friends, that Richard Pryor, the real Richard Pryor. I wanted to get that on stage. And you couldn't do that in the 60s. You couldn't get on television that way. And so anyways, I was like, oh, that's what I want to do. Like, if I do standup, I want to just be the guy that I am in the living room with my friends. Well, once you. If you just operate that way, if that's the truth, you want to have. That's what you did. You just get on stage and you eventually work your way toward. It's like you're. It's like you're having a conversation with Chelsea when you're in the audience. Right. Because you can feel it's real. So. So many people. I mean, you probably knew people like this, too. I knew so many comedians who were so funny off stage, but then their act was like this middle of the road.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that.

[Dennis Leary]

What are you doing?

[Chelsea Handler]

I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is.

[Dennis Leary]

I don't know what the. It's like. It's like, you know, you're. I don't. I don't get it. I don't. I don't get it. So I think being authentic is the key. And again, like our parents said, why would you do it any different, you know?

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, Yeah. I mean, I guess because we have the freedom or we had the freedom. Hopefully the next generation will also have the same freedom.

[Dennis Leary]

Hey, is your mom still alive?

[Chelsea Handler]

No. She died with your mom? Actually, she died years ago. My dad. My mom died. I have no sense of time. So she's been gone a long time. Probably almost 20 years. My mom has been dead.

[Dennis Leary]

How old was she when she died?

[Chelsea Handler]

Young. She was like 63, 67. 63. I can't remember.

[Dennis Leary]

Oh, damn, man, that's young.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, she had cancer. And then my dad hung out forever, and he was a real. We couldn't wait for him to die. We were like, all right, let's wrap it up. Wrap it up. You. We had to get. He had so many issues with all these old age homes that he was staying in. He was sexually harassing the staff. He would grab people's butts. We had to move him from one facility to the next, and then we had to move him to a facility that only had men working, which is very hard to find, you know, in aftercare, in those kinds of facilities. Yeah. So he was a hot mess. But my mom told us when she was dying. She's like, listen, watch out for your father because there's a lot of shit you guys don't know. And as soon as I'm gone, he will reveal himself. And it was two weeks, two weeks after my mother died that my brother sent us a family thread. There are five of us on our thread, brothers and sisters saying, I just walked into our old house, 35 Morningside Drive, Livingston, New Jersey, and I found dad and his housekeeper, Lizette. Lizette was completely nude cleaning the kitchen counter, and dad had his pants around his ankles and was sitting on the couch masturbating. That was two weeks after my mom passed away. So, you know, on that note, we're gonna take a break and we're gonna be right back.

[Dennis Leary]

That is so awesome.

[Chelsea Handler]

We're gonna be right back with Dennis Leary. Ever been at the pharmacy counter and the pharmacist asks, do you have any questions? And suddenly your mind goes blank? That's exactly why you need to listen to beyond the script from CVS Pharmacy and iHeartMedia. Hosted by Dr. Jake Goodman, this podcast brings you real conversations with CVS pharmacists. I need to get on this. The health experts you see most answering the questions you wish you'd asked, like which medications might not mix well, which vaccines should you consider before a big trip? And even those questions you were too embarrassed to say out loud. Each episode busts myths, decodes health trends, and gives you practical, trustworthy advice straight from the people behind the counter. No white coats, no lectures. Just real talk, real answers, and maybe a few laughs. Listen to beyond the script on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Commercial Announcer]

How discreet are dating apps really? Because wanting to put yourself out there is one thing, but wondering who else might see it, who might stumble across your profile, or who might be watching, that's something else entirely. Most dating apps are built to be shared. Profiles, updates, notifications. Everything designed to be public, visible and broadcast. And that works for some people. Until it doesn't. Until privacy matters more than performance. Ashley Madison is different. It's built for people who value privacy when it comes to dating, people who want connection. Without the spotlight, there are no feeds to scroll, no followers to impress, no public facing activity. Just a space intentionally designed for discretion, where conversations stay between the people having them and where your personal life isn't treated like content. If keeping things private matters to you. If you want connection without an audience, Ashley Madison is where desire meets discretion. Ashley Madison Blessed are the discreet download the app or visit ashleymadison.com iheartmedia after the big Game.

[Chelsea Handler]

Like everyone else, I had opinions about the commercials because, of course I did. And there was one that I couldn't stop thinking about from the Blue Square Alliance Against Hate. It showed a Jewish kid being targeted at school, not in some overproduced movie scene way, but in a way that felt very real and very relatable. And as someone who is Jewish, I can tell you those moments are not small, even when people try to treat them that way. What the ad captured so well is that antisemitism doesn't always show up yelling. Sometimes it's quiet, sometimes it's casual, and the impact is still huge. The response in the ad wasn't perfect or dramatic. It was human, which, honestly, is what can actually make a difference. So if you saw the Blue Square alliance commercial during the Big Game, I hope you really watched it. And if you want to show support, sharing the Blue Square is an easy way to say you noticed and that you care. You can also learn more by following nanduptojewish hate on Instagram or TikTok or by visiting standuptojewishhate.org After a long winter, even a small shift can change how home feels this spring. Open the door to something lighter. Explore vibrant scents inspired by places, from bright citrus terraces to blooming lavender fields, and layer them into the rooms you love most. For a limited time, get a free Pura 4 diffuser when you subscribe to $0.02 for 12 months. It's an easy way to refresh your space without starting over. Visit pura.com and bring spring home. And we're back with Dennis Leary's here

[Dennis Leary]

to promote oh, my God, that is so fucking funny.

[Chelsea Handler]

His second season of Going Dutch, which is. Yeah, a show where he plays a colonel and he. It's a comedy. It's on Fox. It's in its second season. You can also watch it on Hulu, by the way. Okay, so Hulu. Dennis, this. It's. Am I saying Hulu wrong? Is it Hulu? Ulu. You could watch it on ulu. Okay, Dennis, we're taking calls from real life people, so you need to act. You need to fucking pay attention. Okay?

[Dennis Leary]

Okay, I'm fucking paying attention. I'm ready.

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay, Katherine, what's up?

[Katherine]

All right, we're gonna start with just an email. This is our one drink question. And Dennis, I like. I was gonna start with an easier question, but I think you can handle this one.

[Chelsea Handler]

Dennis, you can have an OJ for this question.

[Katherine]

Yes, so this listener, Elsie, says, hey, Chelsea, ancestry tests really know how to spice up a family tree. I recently found out that my half sister, who's in her 50s, isn't actually related to me. Meaning the dad we thought we shared isn't. Her mom passed and my dad, now in his late 70s, has no clue. They've had a rocky relationship in the past, but have been solid for the last decade. She doesn't want to tell him because she thinks it would break his heart. I get it. This was 50 plus years ago, his first of three marriages, so clearly not his last surprise in life. But keeping a secret like this until his death feels icky. Do I respect her wishes or spill the DNA? Tea? Help me, wise one. L.C.

[Chelsea Handler]

dennis.

[Dennis Leary]

Listen, I'm off. I'm one of those people who's like, listen, you gotta fucking unbury the truth and get it out in the open because that's ultimately the best for everybody. But I would, I have questions. He's in his late 70s.

[Chelsea Handler]

Is. She said, yeah. She just.

[Katherine]

Yeah, 70s. Yeah. So we don't know. Late, early 70s. Oh, yeah, late 70s. She did say late 70s.

[Dennis Leary]

Late 70s. I mean, if he was late 80s, I'd be like, ah, leave him alone. Late 70s, he could probably handle it. That's my feeling. It's like, get it out in the open. Also, does he hate her? Hate this person or like this person?

[Katherine]

He likes her. They have a good relationship now.

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah, I mean, I don't think it's going to take, you know, to alter the relationship, but it's not like it's going to kill him. He's. He's young.

[Chelsea Handler]

Listen, I disagree. I don't think it's. There's any reason to bring all that nonsense to the foreign. In the time he knew her, he thought that this is his father. It's upsetting news. It's not really relevant because at this stage in the game, he is her fucking father. So just to find out that his dead wife cheated on him. What's the point of that information? I mean, it's important for the daughter to know because if she wants to find her real father, then maybe she can. But I don't think it's important for your dad, who thinks she's her father, to know at this stage in the game. So I'm all about honesty and making sure you kind of like air your dirty laundry, but in these cases, the world is about to end anyway. Like, let's just, let's not blow up our families on our way out the window. That's my theory.

[Dennis Leary]

Listen, can I just say this? Of the two opinions that were just offered, I would probably listen to. I would definitely listen to Chelsea.

[Chelsea Handler]

Exactly.

[Katherine]

So listen.

[Dennis Leary]

She's smarter than I am and she's a woman.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, right.

[Dennis Leary]

So fucking listen to her.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. Woman to woman. Just.

[Dennis Leary]

I'm turning into a woman, but I'm not a woman yet. So let's shelce.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's a slow. It's a slow roll.

[Katherine]

All right. Well, our first caller today is Allison. She's located in D.C. and her subject line is. Help, I'm trapped in the gym with RFK Jr. Oh, no. And Dennis, I pulled this for you specifically because I know you're like a Jack Kennedy Democrat, or that's what you've always had. And you even had a song about the Kennedys. So this one's for you. She says, dear Chelsea, I'm writing because I've been angrier than I'd like to admit this past year. And I'm struggling to keep that anger from bleeding into my everyday life. Since the new administration took office, I felt this constant simmering frustration. Not explosive, just ever present. I try to be functional. I try to channel it productively. And then it shows up in the least therapeutic place possible. My gym. Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Works out at my gym, which means several times a week I am expected to peacefully coexist with the physical embodiment of my political rage while I'm just trying to lift weights and dissociate. He's quiet, he's confident, maybe too confident. He works out in blue jeans. And those unsettling guy bdis guy with

[Dennis Leary]

the working out with the jeans on. Go ahead. Sorry, no so good.

[Katherine]

And those unsettling BDIs are always present. It's mind boggling. This is the cheapest gym in the area. So cheap that at one point the air conditioner broke for five weeks and we were all just expected to work out in a semi dark sauna and accept it. Meanwhile, there's a fully functioning equinox right next door. I don't say anything, I don't do anything. But inside, I'm seething. So my question is this. How do you contain your anger when it's justified, chronic, and keeps popping up in places you're just trying to live your life? Is the answer maturity, detachment, switching gyms? Or is this just the emotional cost of being alive and paying attention right now? Love, Allison.

[Chelsea Handler]

Hi, Allison. Hey, how are you guys?

[Dennis Leary]

Hey, Allison, how are you?

[Chelsea Handler]

That's Dennis Leary, our special guest today.

[Dennis Leary]

I think I'm very qualified to discuss this because I'm an Irish person from Massachusetts, which is where he's from. Obviously, they were rich, we were poor, but we voted for them. So first of all, I can't fucking this guy. Fucking going to the fucking cheapest gym proves that he's cheap, number one. Number two, working out in the fucking jeans. This thing just drives me, too.

[Chelsea Handler]

I can't stand it. I cannot stand that.

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah, you. You want to, like, first of all, why are you in the cheapest gym? Number one, Number two. Is he there with his, like, security detail? Are they there too? Are they outside?

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, yeah. Like, full perimeter. I'd say there's like, upwards of like, 20 Secret Service within this tiny little gym.

[Dennis Leary]

So I. There's no other way to look at this except he's cheap and he likes showing off. And the other thing is, you know, he fucking goes in, gets. That's a tan that he gets from tanning beds, right?

[Chelsea Handler]

From tanning salad. He tans. This guy tans the health administrator of our country. Tans.

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah, I just. I don't. Here's my thing. I don't know you at all. Obviously, my thing would be I would just walk up, especially the mental state that you're in. I would walk up and fucking have a conversation, a real conversation about how you feel about things.

[Chelsea Handler]

I don't think that. Listen, he's been confronted so many times about his ethics and his views and his. I mean, he doesn't give a shit what anyone thinks anyway, so it's not gonna make an impact on him. I. First of all, I would def. But I would like to. I would just to get my rocks off, I would like to have a go at him. First of all, just some background information. I bought RFK Jr's house in. In Los Angeles 5 years ago. I did not know I was buying it from him. It was anonymous. It wasn't anonymous, but his is in a trust. Mine was in a trust. It was all private. I bought his house from him and Cheryl Hines. I still have not lived in this house. That's how fucked up this house was. The idea that this guy is in charge of the health of our country when he didn't even have a proper foundation at his house. When they unearthed, when they opened up the house, they were like, this house is the most toxic environment. You cannot live here for at least two years. I'm not exaggerating any of this. It is. It was a disaster. And I didn't know it going in because everything was, you know, Under. Under wraps. So, anyway, I have my own issues with rj.

[Dennis Leary]

Oh, my God, the money I would pay to see you walk into the gym where he is and have the conversation about the house. That should be a fucking necessary.

[Chelsea Handler]

He's one of the worst people that I know of. He really is. I have really thought about it, Chelsea, because I've listened to your podcast for a while now, and I know this story, and I see him all the time, and I'm like, what did you do to Chelsea's house? Like, what have you done? Yeah, you put a curse card. It's cursed. I mean, three people have come in and said, this house is cursed.

[Dennis Leary]

Hey, you know what we should do, guys? We should start an army, beginning with the three of us. We should start an army of people, famous and non famous people who at various points in the country will come up to them and go, what the fuck did you do to Chelsea's fucking house?

[Chelsea Handler]

How could you sell us this house?

[Dennis Leary]

How could you sell Chelsea handle that fucking house?

[Chelsea Handler]

In the last week of inspection, they came and I finally, like, everything's been redone, redone, redone. They're like, oh, there's an a. There's a unit. He has, like, a little outdoor storage unit that's been there since I bought the property. And they're like, this is illegal. And I'm like, oh, my God. So now we have to remove his illegal bullshit from my property. And I'm like, how did they not find this upon the first inspection? But anyway, I would move gyms. I wouldn't want to even be exposed to that kind of negative. Like. Like, he's so negative. That whole Vibe Being in D.C. is probably really negative, but I would totally move gyms. Go to Equinox. Why are you at the cheapest gym? Is it a money issue? I mean, I could swing it. I just prefer, like, that's where I want to go. It's right next to my house. Like, I just have convenience there. I like it there. I can swing. I can swing Equinox. Yeah, I think it's better. I think you should leave him a message or you should let him know that you're leaving the gym because of him and that you're not the only person be like, I'm so sorry. I can't believe that I joined a gym and then I had to see you here. Like, you are the embodiment of everything that is wrong with this administration, and you are sickening. And also, what the fuck is wrong with Chelsea Handler's house?

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah, that's right. P.S. motherfucker. What the fuck did you do to Chelsea Handler's fucking house?

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. And they had the audacity to leave me a note. Cheryl Hines left me a note saying, let us know if there's anything we can do for you, Chelsea. I'm like, yeah, how about a fucking foundation? That's something you could do for me. Anyway, I'm not angry about it or anything. I'm totally over.

[Katherine]

It's only been five years of your life.

[Chelsea Handler]

I'm gonna get you some answers. That'll be my swan song. But change, James. Always take yourself out of a situation that's gonna make you angry.

[Katherine]

Yes. Better for your blood pressure.

[Dennis Leary]

Dr. Chelsea Handler.

[Chelsea Handler]

There you go.

[Jennifer (Caller)]

Okay.

[Chelsea Handler]

All right.

[Katherine]

Thank you, Alison.

[Chelsea Handler]

Thanks for calling, Alison. Thank you so much.

[Katherine]

Bye.

[Jennifer (Caller)]

Bye.

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay, we're going to take a break and come back with another caller. Ever been at the pharmacy counter and the pharmacist asks, do you have any questions? And suddenly your mind goes blank? That's exactly why you need to listen to beyond the script from CVS Pharmacy and iHeartMedia. Hosted by Dr. Jake Goodman, this podcast brings you real conversations with CVS pharmacists. I need to get on this. The health experts you see most answering the questions you wish you'd asked, like which medications might not mix well, which vaccines should you consider before a big trip? And even those questions you were too embarrassed to say out loud. Each episode busts myths, decodes health trends, and gives you practical, trustworthy advice straight from the people behind the counter. No white coats, no lectures. Just real talk, real answers, and maybe a few laughs. Listen to beyond the script on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Commercial Announcer]

In the app of Ashley Madison, we

[Chelsea Handler]

have only one rule.

[Commercial Announcer]

What the heart asketh, the world need not knoweth. For in the freedom of discretion lies

[Chelsea Handler]

all our most delicious desires.

[Commercial Announcer]

Download Ashley Madison today.

[Chelsea Handler]

Blessed are the discreet after the big game. Like everyone else, I had opinions about the commercials, because, of course, I did. And there was one that I couldn't stop thinking about from the Blue Square Alliance Against Hate. It showed a Jewish kid being targeted at school, not in some overproduced movie scene way, but in a way that felt very real and very relatable. And as someone who is Jewish, I can tell you those moments are not small, even when people try to treat them that way. What the ad captured so well is that anti Semitism doesn't always show up yelling. Sometimes it's quiet, sometimes it's casual. And the impact is still huge. The response in the ad wasn't perfect or dramatic. It was human, which honestly is what can actually make a difference. So if you saw the Blue Square alliance commercial during the Big Game, I hope you really watched it. And if you want to show support, sharing the Blue Square is an easy way to say you noticed and that you care. You can also learn more by following anduptojewish hate on Instagram or TikTok, or by visiting standuptojewishhate.org after winter's stillness, Spring invites you to open things up. With Pura's Spring collection, you can explore scents inspired by places. Sunlit terraces, blooming gardens, open air drifting through familiar rooms. It's not about starting over. It's about layering in something new, a small sensory shift that refreshes your space and how it feels to be in it. Open the door to spring with pura.com and we're back with Dennis Leary.

[Dennis Leary]

I love your breaks. Your breaks are so fast.

[Chelsea Handler]

Well, yeah, they're so fast. Cause I mean, I need you to continue to pay attention, you know what I mean? We're already struggling. Katherine, what do we have to close out today's episode?

[Katherine]

Well, we have Jennifer who is writing in and she's getting into comedy. So Jennifer says, Dear Chelsea, Two years ago I started doing standup open mics whenever I could. I absolutely love it. I love making people laugh and I also love telling stories about my family. My partner of 20 years and my boys are supportive. It's hard for them because I'm away from home on some weeknights trying to get stage time. I haven't headlined anything yet, but I'm still working on a solid 15 minute set. I write jokes every day and I work on delivery, timing and stage presence. So here are my questions. How do I handle the clicks and egos of other comics so I can get on stage? I'm running up against venues that have their favorites and no matter how talented you are, you aren't getting stage time. I want to be polite but assertive and not burn a bridge at a club either. Do I set up a YouTube channel with sets from my open mics? I would have to have my 12 year old help me do that since I don't have a clue how to do it. How do I balance the need for laughs every few seconds within storytelling? Most of the literature states that you need to find something original and do that. It's 2026. Comedy's been around since before the written word. The only thing original I bring to the table is my interpretation of things. I am completely unhinged. How do I exploit that in comedy and still be relatable to the mainstream? Or should I just not care what the mainstream is and just do my thing? And am I too old to even start down this road? You're amazing. And I'm trying to get everything arranged so I can see you on tour. My kids have a negative review with most of the sitters, so it's a struggle. Thanks, Jennifer.

[Chelsea Handler]

I like that. Hi, Jennifer.

[Jennifer (Caller)]

Hi, guys. Oh my God, it's Dennis Leary and Chelsea

[Dennis Leary]

at the same time? Yeah, at the same time.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's like a threesome.

[Dennis Leary]

It's just kind of against the law. They don't let us do it very often. How old are you?

[Jennifer (Caller)]

I just turned 51.

[Dennis Leary]

Oh, listen, fuck, anybody can do it. Zarna Garg is a great example of somebody later in life who raised her kids and then started doing stand up comedy, I think when they were teenagers or something. Oh, yeah, yeah, forget about that. That doesn't matter anymore, number one. Number two, it sounds like you're actually mentally. You're already on the right page, which is, you know what? Fuck the mainstream. You just got to do what you have. Like, we were just talking about this a few minutes ago, me and Chelsea, about just be yourself. That's. I mean, that's the best comedy wise. That's always the best thing, writing wise as well. So fuck the mainstream. Who gives a shit about that? You should just do what you want.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, I would say intentionally, like you said, you're unhinged. That's great. People like that. People like unhinged. I would exploit whatever the most outlandish part of your personality is. I would take that and just put that. You know what I mean? That's what separates you from other people is, I mean. And listen, yes, comedy has been around since forever, but your take on it hasn't been around forever. So while subject matters may overlap and people may discuss the same things, like people are always talking about dating and fucking and people who are cheap or they're talking about politics or. Or girls are talking about guys who are terrible in bed and terrible at paying and blah, blah, blah, while all those things can, like, you know, overlap and be kind of ongoing sagas, your take on it hasn't been out there, you know, and if you're, if you're unhinged and you want to really, like, be something original, focus on that. Don't focus on getting as many people the mainstream aspect of it. That's just kind of a fool's errand. You have to find people that are going to respond to you, and you be as much of yourself as you can. And I think that's where the rewards will come and you'll start to see some gains from your work. Like an original. When I see someone original on stage, I'm like, wow, I've never seen that angle before. You know what I mean? So there's always a new angle to be had.

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah, that's very true.

[Chelsea Handler]

And being 51, like, exploit that. Talk about the fact that you didn't have time to get around to this until you fucking had your kids because you're a woman and you've been put under too much pressure your entire life to be the perfect woman. And now you're here, you're a little late to the game, and you're fucking pissed about it because you should have been doing this all along. You know what I mean? There's a whole storyline. Just keep adding onto that aspect of things. I, you know, I like disgruntled. I like comics who get up there and are angry and pissed and just want to go off. I always find that very amusing.

[Katherine]

Regarding the Internet question, I would go TikTok, not YouTube. And Unhinged plays very well on TikTok. Like, kind of. The more unhinged you are, the more attention you get.

[Jennifer (Caller)]

That's a good point.

[Dennis Leary]

True. All true.

[Chelsea Handler]

How are you getting stage time if you can't find a sitter for your kids?

[Jennifer (Caller)]

I have a partner that will stay with them. The youngest is 8. The oldest is 12, so they're almost to the point where they won't set the house on fire. So it's close. We're getting almost there.

[Dennis Leary]

We're almost there.

[Chelsea Handler]

But we have a fireman right here. I mean, he can help you, and we can put him on speed dial. And if anything happens to your house, Dennis will be right over.

[Jennifer (Caller)]

That is true.

[Dennis Leary]

I'm really good in a vacation. I'm better in a fake fire than I am in a real fire.

[Chelsea Handler]

You know, he's very good at house calls, too, but not with. With regard to fires.

[Dennis Leary]

Do you talk about the kids on stage?

[Jennifer (Caller)]

I. I do. I do.

[Dennis Leary]

And they're.

[Jennifer (Caller)]

They're a little crazy as well. They're both adopted, too, so it's a completely different story than, oh, great having your kids.

[Dennis Leary]

That's an endless supply of material.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. Adopted. You could return them. Is that an option? You know what I mean?

[Jennifer (Caller)]

They've asked if they can be.

[Chelsea Handler]

Well, that's that's good too. That's all material. Everything is material.

[Dennis Leary]

It's all material.

[Jennifer (Caller)]

Okay, thank you so much. I appreciate that.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, and don't think about age as a number. Think about it as like an avenue. You know what I mean? This is my in. I'm 51. This is how pissed I am that I have to do stand up comedy to get my rocks off, you know, Like I, you know, I could have a nice quiet life, but no, I don't. I want to disrupt.

[Katherine]

The other question that I wanted to bump back up is like handling the clicks and the egos of the other comics and getting stage time. Do you guys have advice?

[Chelsea Handler]

Listen, man, getting stage, you just have to really be persistent and consistent to get the stage time. And obviously there will be people that are on your side or people that are not on your side, and those are easy to suss out right away. But as far as other comics go, like, it's important to kind of form a little, get some groups going or make some friends because people are always doing small shows and smaller shows that you can get stage time in. You know what I mean? So you want to be friends with comics, but it's. But if you're feeling like people aren't welcoming of you, I really just like, cut out that noise. I used to go into the Comedy Store when I was really young and we'd get week and I would just walk in, do my set and walk out. Like, no socializing. Obviously it's a different story now. But when I didn't feel like I was welcome or I felt like I was being judged or people were jealous or whatever the feelings were, I just didn't expose myself to that. All I cared about was doing my set and leaving.

[Dennis Leary]

And by the way, the funnier you get, it's human nature, especially comedy, human nature. The funnier you get, the more fucking people are going to get jealous comedians of you. So don't even fucking worry about that shit. Find like Chelsea's right. Find your, the friends you find that you get along with in that scene. Fuck everybody else, you know, That's a good point.

[Jennifer (Caller)]

I was told by one male comic that said as soon as you get on stage because you, you're a female, everybody tunes you out. And I was like, well, you're an asshole.

[Dennis Leary]

What year is he living in? Are you kidding me? Oh, my God.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah.

[Dennis Leary]

Welcome to the future, douchebag.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, yeah, I would. And what did you say back to him?

[Jennifer (Caller)]

I just said, you're an.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jennifer (Caller)]

There you Go. You know, basically, it was like. And I do have a group of guys that I do things with. It's just, you know, finding the time to get out with them as they do. They do small shows and stuff like that. So.

[Chelsea Handler]

So just do as much as you possibly can with the time that you have.

[Jennifer (Caller)]

Sweet. Thanks, guys. I appreciate it.

[Katherine]

Awesome. Thank you, Jennifer.

[Chelsea Handler]

All right, thanks for calling in.

[Dennis Leary]

Nice to meet you.

[Jennifer (Caller)]

Nice to meet you, too. Bye. Bye.

[Chelsea Handler]

Bye. If she plays her cards right, she, too, will be recording a podcast from Whistler Canada. Talking to me.

[Dennis Leary]

No. Can I ask a question? Can I ask a question?

[Chelsea Handler]

Yes.

[Dennis Leary]

So do you live in Whistler, like, part of the year?

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, in the wintertime. I base myself out of Canada in the wintertime. Cause I like to ski.

[Dennis Leary]

I know you love to ski.

[Chelsea Handler]

I know you know I love to ski.

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah.

[Jennifer (Caller)]

Yeah.

[Dennis Leary]

So basically you're up there, what, from Christmas until probably, like, April.

[Chelsea Handler]

But I'm about to go on. I'm about to go on tour, so I. But I'll be coming in and out of Vancouver rather than in and out of la, which isn't that big of a difference. But, yeah, I like my little life up here. It's a nice trans. It's nice juxtaposition for my life in Los Angeles. So, you know, in order for.

[Dennis Leary]

And Whistler's fucking beautiful.

[Jennifer (Caller)]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

And it's beautiful. The snow isn't really cooperating right now, but that's okay. I can get by. It's a very homey. You know, I work out a lot in my house here. I read a lot of books. I've got my dog here. I have friends come and visit. I have a lot of sex here. Everything's fine. You know what I mean?

[Dennis Leary]

Great. Great.

[Chelsea Handler]

Well, I am so excited about you becoming a woman. I am so excited about the second season of your show. I love you, Dennis. You know that? I love you. I have strong affection for you.

[Dennis Leary]

And I love you and your sister and my sister.

[Chelsea Handler]

We both love you as a family. And his show's on Hulu or Fox?

[Dennis Leary]

Guys, his show's on Fox.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's called Going Dutch.

[Dennis Leary]

All the episodes are available on Hulu.

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay. Season two.

[Jennifer (Caller)]

Excellent.

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay, Dennis, I'll see you on the flip side. Hopefully I'll run into you somewhere very soon. I hope I catch you smoking a fucking cigarette.

[Dennis Leary]

Can you imagine?

[Chelsea Handler]

No, I can't after this conversation. You better never smoke again.

[Dennis Leary]

I hope I never smoke again. I don't think I'm gonna.

[Chelsea Handler]

No, you're not going to.

[Dennis Leary]

But you never know.

[Chelsea Handler]

No, you're not going to. You're not going to.

[Dennis Leary]

You never know if my brain can click off of cigarettes like that. I'm afraid, like tomorrow I'm walking down the street and my brain goes, guess what? We're going to start smoking again.

[Chelsea Handler]

Or yeah, well, maybe it'll click off something else. Maybe. Maybe just think about things you're going to keep getting rid of instead of think it going in the reverse direction.

[Dennis Leary]

What kind of what's left to get rid of?

[Katherine]

And drinking are gone, right?

[Chelsea Handler]

Smoking and drinking are gone. I'm sure you have some other bad habits. Maybe you could stop going to the bathroom also. Goodbye, Dennis Leary.

[Dennis Leary]

Bye, Chelsea. Bye.

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay, guys, I am officially on my high and Mighty Tour. March 13, Cleveland, Ohio. March 14, Columbus, Ohio. March 15, Cincinnati, Ohio and then March 20 is Denver, Colorado. March 27, Portland, Maine. March 28, Providence, Rhode Island. March March 29, Springfield, Massachusetts. April 10 is Chicago. I'll be at the Chicago Theater. April 11, Indianapolis, Indiana. April 12, Louisville, Kentucky. April 16 is Albuquerque, New Mexico. April 17 is Mesa, Arizona. April 23 is Kansas City, Missouri. April 24 is St. Louis, Missouri. April 25 is Minneapolis, Minnesota. April 30, Nashville, Tennessee. May 1 is Charlotte, North Carolina. May 2 is Durham, North Carolina. May 6, I'm doing Netflix is a joke festival. I will be in Los Angeles. That is a new announcement along with Atlantic City. May 15th, Saratoga, California. May 16th, Monterey, California. May 17th, Modesto, California. And then June 4th, Portchester, New York. June 5th is Boston, Mass. And June 12th is Portland, Oregon. And then Seattle is June 13th. So suck on that, everybody. Go to chelseahandler.com for tickets.

[Katherine]

If you want advice from Chelsea, write in to dearchelsea podcastmail.com Dear Chelsea is a production of I Heart Media. Follow Chelsea on all socials elseehandler and find Katherine on TikTok flashcadabra. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brandon de Gertrude executive producer Katherine Law. Find full video episodes and minisodes now on Netflix and get tickets to see Chelsea live@chelsea handler.com

[Commercial Announcer]

In a world of oversharing, dating remains sacred. Meet the new Ashley Madison. Discreet Dating. No public posts, no feed adults connecting in private. Ashley Madison. Blessed are the discreet. Download the app or visit Ashley Madison

[Chelsea Handler]

from coast to coast. Unlock adventure at Red Lion Hotel by Sonesta, where restful sleep, friendly service and local knowledge await. Whether for business or pleasure, spend less and make more of every trip. When you sign up for Sinesta Travel Pass, you'll get the best rates instantly. Go to sonesta.com to book your stay and unlock the best rates with Sonesta Travel Pass here today, Rome tomorrow. Join [e-mail] Terms and conditions apply.

[BetterHelp Announcer]

A better help AD International Women's Day is this march and it's a chance to celebrate women in all their brilliance. The leaders, the caregivers, the problem solvers, the hype friends, the quiet forces, the how do you do it? All types With a lot of strength and usually very little rest, therapy can be one way to support the incredible work you already do. A space just for you to reflect, reset and reconnect with what fuels you. Your goals, your boundaries, your joy. BetterHelp makes starting therapy simple by matching you with a qualified therapist based on your needs and preferences. No pressure, no guesswork, and if your first match isn't quite right, you can switch anytime. Here's to celebrating women and giving yourself support along the way. Visit betterhelp.com for 10% off. That's betterhelp.com since I want the absolute

[Chelsea Handler]

best for my chow Chow Doug I am making the switch to Ollie. Your dog's well being starts with their food and that's why Ollie delivers fresh human grade food that your dog will love. So head to ollie.com Chelsea and use code Chelsea to get 60% off your welcome kit when you subscribe today. Plus they offer a happiness guarantee on the first box so if you're not completely satisfied, you'll get your money back. That's Ollie O L L I-e.com Chelsea and enter code Chelsea to get 60% off your first box. This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human.