Hotter in the Hamptons with Tinx

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Hotter in the Hamptons with Tinx"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Dear Chelsea
• Host: Chelsea Handler (via iHeartPodcasts)
• Episode Title: Hotter in the Hamptons with Tinx
• Release Date: May 1, 2025

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Introduction of Guest: Tinx and Her New Book

In this episode of Dear Chelsea, Chelsea Handler welcomes her guest, Tinx, a New York Times bestselling author and host of "It's Me Tinks" on Sirius XM. Tinx introduces her latest work, a fiction novel titled "Hotter in the Hamptons", set to release on May 6th. The book delves into the life of an influencer who faces cancellation and retreats to the Hamptons to regain her footing.

Notable Quote:

• Chelsea Handler [04:26]: "So, our guest today... please welcome Tinks."

Discussion on "Hotter in the Hamptons"

Chelsea and Tinx engage in an in-depth discussion about the themes and inspirations behind the novel. Tinx explains that while the story is fictional, it draws from her own experiences in the public eye, blending elements of reality with creative storytelling.

Notable Quotes:

• Tinx [05:11]: "It's about an influencer who gets canceled and then goes to the Hamptons to get her groove back."
• Chelsea Handler [05:24]: "Feels like it's eerily similar to the truth."

Tinx emphasizes the inclusion of a queer love story, reflecting her commitment to diversity and representation. She discusses the "enemies to lovers" trope, highlighting the book's balance between humor and erotica to engage readers early on.

Notable Quotes:

• Tinx [06:20]: "It's a classic enemies to lovers situation."
• Chelsea Handler [06:43]: "This is the first fucking romance novel I've read in my entire life... but this was very entertaining."

Empowerment and Sexuality

A significant portion of the conversation centers around the empowerment of women through embracing their sexuality. Both Chelsea and Tinx advocate for women being open about their desires and rejecting societal stigmas associated with being "horny."

Notable Quotes:

• Tinx [07:13]: "I want this book to be a fantasy for them. Or, you know, I want it to make people really horny this summer."
• Chelsea Handler [08:14]: "Vaginas opening everywhere from the east to the west. I also endorse horniness."

They discuss the importance of women owning their sexuality without fear of judgment, differentiating between being sexually liberated and being labeled "slutty."

Notable Quotes:

• Tinx [08:36]: "Being sexual as a woman has been so villainized."
• Chelsea Handler [09:27]: "Slutty is just a word created by men to categorize women who wanna sleep with more than them."

Personal Anecdotes: Moving from LA to New York

Chelsea shares her personal journey of relocating from Los Angeles to New York City, expressing her desire for a more vibrant social life that aligns with her current single status. Tinx relates by discussing her preference for New York over LA, citing better opportunities for spontaneous social interactions.

Notable Quotes:

• Chelsea Handler [02:10]: "Oh, New York City is blossoming. It's just beautiful."
• Tinx [10:33]: "More sex for sure. And more community."

Listener Call 1: Lila's Dilemma with Her Partner's Brother

The first listener call, from Lila, seeks advice on handling a difficult living situation where her partner's brother has been living with them for two years following an epilepsy diagnosis. Lila describes the tension and passive-aggressive behavior of her brother-in-law, making their home environment stressful.

Key Advice:

• Set Clear Boundaries: Define a non-negotiable timeframe for her partner's brother to move out, suggesting a generous but firm period (e.g., 30-60 days).
• Communicate Firmly and Kindly: Emphasize the support they've provided and outline the reasons for needing their living space back.

Notable Quotes:

• Chelsea Handler [28:18]: "Two years is way too long. You are way past your expiration date."
• Tinx [32:22]: "I completely agree. I think a timeframe is super helpful."

Listener Call 2: Claire's Struggle with Post-Breakup and Uncertainty About Kids

Claire reaches out for guidance after her partner cheated on her and left her for a coworker a year and a half ago. She grapples with fears about not finding someone else, concerns about age, and uncertainty regarding having children.

Key Advice:

• Cultivate Self-Love and Gratitude: Start a daily gratitude journal, focusing on positive aspects of life to shift her mindset.
• Embrace Independence: Encourage Claire to enjoy her own company and explore personal interests without the pressure of conforming to societal expectations.

Notable Quotes:

• Chelsea Handler [38:10]: "Start writing positive things about yourself."
• Tinx [39:50]: "A vibe shift is possible because... you're free now to start again."

Listener Call 3: Ava's Challenge with a Clingy Friend

Ava, a 23-year-old from California, seeks advice on managing a childhood friend who exhibits clingy and jealous behavior. Her friend often tracks her location and feels upset when Ava makes plans without her, creating tension in Ava's social life.

Key Advice:

• Set Boundaries with Humor: Approach the conversation lightly to avoid confrontation, using humor to express the need for personal space.
• Direct Communication: If hints don't work, have a straightforward conversation about the importance of independence in the friendship.

Notable Quotes:

• Tinx [51:16]: "Approach conversations like this with at least a little bit of humor and lightness."
• Chelsea Handler [54:47]: "I'm not gonna tolerate that shit."

Conclusion and Wrap-Up

The episode wraps up with Chelsea and Tinx reiterating the themes of empowerment, setting boundaries, and embracing personal growth. Tinx promotes her upcoming book, encouraging listeners to pre-order and join her in experiencing the vibrant life depicted in "Hotter in the Hamptons."

Notable Quotes:

• Chelsea Handler [57:04]: "Hotter in the Hamptons is Tiks's new book. It comes out May 6th."
• Tinx [59:20]: "Enjoy it. It's time to get frisky in the summertime, everybody."

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Key Takeaways:

• Empowerment Through Sexuality: Embracing and owning one's sexuality is crucial for women's empowerment.
• Setting Boundaries: Essential for maintaining healthy relationships and personal well-being.
• Self-Love and Gratitude: Fundamental practices for personal growth and overcoming trauma.
• Honesty in Communication: Being direct yet kind is vital in addressing relationship challenges.

This episode offers a blend of personal anecdotes, professional insights, and practical advice, making it a valuable listen for those navigating similar life challenges.

Transcript

[Chelsea Handler]

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[Catherine]

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[Chelsea Handler]

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[Tinks]

We have a confession to make. Both iHeart and this commercial you're listening to right now would probably sound a heck of a lot better on the new Roku Pro series tv. It's got side firing speakers that fill your room with sound, Dolby Atmos audio that puts you right in the middle of the entertainment, and the ability to pair seamlessly with your home theater sound systems that already have surroundings, sound and booming bass. If all that sounds too good to be true, it'll sound even better on the new Roku Pro series. Your hearing isn't better, your TV is Hello Catherine.

[Chelsea's Friend]

Oh, hello Chelsea. How's New York City?

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, New York City is blossoming. It's just beautiful. It's almost summertime. Spring is in the air. It was sunny, delightful. I came home, I got here last night and I Was tempted to go out with some friends, but I decided, you know what? I was gonna take the night to myself. And instead, I took a Xanax and I read one of our podcast guest books that we have coming up. And I was just a really responsible adult woman who's 50 years old.

[Chelsea's Friend]

Oh, my gosh. Look at you grow and change.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yes, very responsible.

[Chelsea's Friend]

But you do like a night in. You're someone who enjoys their own company, and I think that's very good.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yes, I very much enjoy my own company. I had a lot of company this week. I went out a. This week. I saw a lot. I did a lot of socializing in Los Angeles, and I did the LA Festival of Books, which was a joy. It was so fun. I love books. I like being around books and I like talking about books. That is my passion.

[Chelsea's Friend]

They even smell good. Like, they feel good. Like, I love when you get a new book and, like, the pages might feel a little different than the last one you read. I mean, it's like the little things, you know?

[Chelsea Handler]

I'm reading about seven books right now, so I could. And I like to read them a hard copy. So it's hard to travel with seven books because I'm on my way. I'm bouncing around. I'm done with LA for a bit. I won't be in LA for two months now. So I go from here, I think, to Whistler and then somewhere in Chicago, then New York and then Reykjavik and then Belfast. I'm gonna spend a couple days at Belfast because I feel like there's gonna be some good history shit going on down there. Up there, over there.

[Chelsea's Friend]

I'm reading, actually, a book right now about the ira, I believe it's called say Nothing. And there's a Hulu series about it now. So it's thrilling.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's. Yeah, I'm very interested in that history. I don't know enough about it, so I'm just gonna.

[Chelsea's Friend]

And I'll lend it to you.

[Chelsea Handler]

My cousin's good. Like me. She likes shit like that. Okay, so our guest today. We have two episodes we're dropping today. One is with our guest, who is a New York Times bestselling author and host of It's Me Tinks on Sirius xm. Her newest book is called Hotter in the Hamptons, and it's out May 6th. Please welcome Tinks. Hi, Tinksy Winksy. It's the one. It's the only. It's Tinks with a bigger microphone.

[Tinks]

Oh, hell, yeah. The bigger, the better. Size matters, baby.

[Chelsea Handler]

I know, but When I met you, you were using a little Vienna sausage microphone. And I know sometimes you sometimes go back to that. You do sometimes have the little microphone. But I love seeing you with a big black mic in your hand.

[Tinks]

Big, dad. Yeah, this is a big. This is more my size. I've upgraded. But I do still keep mini mic around for the bit. But everybody else started doing mini mic, so I. I saw that.

[Chelsea Handler]

I did see that. You started a trend. You're a trend center. Yes. Oh, my God. Congratulations. Tinks has a new book out, everybody. It's a new book. And guess what? It's fiction this time. And it's called Hotter in the Hamptons. And I'm going to guess that it's not autobiographical at all.

[Tinks]

Well, it's, you know, they say to write what you know. It's about an influencer who gets canceled and then goes to the Hamptons to get her groove back. Maybe some of that I experienced, maybe some of it I didn't, you know.

[Chelsea Handler]

Feels like it's eerily similar to the truth. But listen, every work of fiction is based on authors, on some truth from the author. It's impossible to. I mean, it's not impossible. I guess there are lots of authors who could write fiction, who've been trained in writing fiction. But I think when a celebrity writes fiction and many people write fiction, you have to bring stuff in from your life. So that's totally understandable and actually more enticing, in my opinion. I wanna know. I wanna know what's real, what's not. First of all, Tinks is already a New York Times bestseller because she had her first book, which was called the Shift, which was a New York Times bestseller. So this is her second foray into the book industry. And this is like a queer love story that takes place in the Hamptons.

[Tinks]

Yes.

[Chelsea Handler]

And that starts out as enemy. They start out as enemies. And then slowly. Actually, not that slowly, because chapter two is when things start to come out of people's pants.

[Tinks]

It's a classic enemies to lovers situation. And, yeah, I mean, I kind of like, whenever I'm reading a smart erotica book, I'm like, get to the sex already. So it starts pretty early on because I feel like that's why people are reading it. So you got to give them a little juiciness. Early, early up front. Otherwise you're like, I don't care. Get to the sex part.

[Chelsea Handler]

So, yeah, that's actually very formulaic. Right. You were saying, Catherine, that romance books typically. I just want you to know, Tix, this Is Tix. I can't even fucking talk today. I want you to know, Tix, that this is the first fucking romance novel I've read in my entire life.

[Tinks]

Huge, huge book.

[Chelsea Handler]

Only because it's you. Yes. I've never. I can't read romance. Cause I just find it so ridiculous. And this was very entertaining.

[Chelsea's Friend]

And steamy.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, well, very steamy. Very steamy. I have to ask you. When you write so much about queer sex, have you experienced queer sex?

[Tinks]

This book is about Lola, not about me.

[Chelsea Handler]

But the question is, have you experienced.

[Tinks]

That's my diplomatic answer. This is about Lola. It's. It's about her journey. A lot of straight women follow me, and I want this book to be a fantasy for them. Or, you know, I want it. I want them to experience new fantasies because of this book. And the reason I love reading, not just in general, not just smut or erotica, but reading in general is it's like one of the only times that we imagine as an adult, like, we're going about our day. We have work, we have a million things to do. Da, da da. And our creativity and our imagination just gets smaller and smaller because we don't have room to play. And when you read, you imagine. And that's why I'm so obsessed with reading. So I hope this book opens people up and makes them really horny. That is my number one goal, is to make people horny this summer. I think horniness is very criminally undervalued in society today. I think it's important to be horny whether you're in a relationship, whether you're single, whether you're married, doesn't matter. So that is what I want to achieve with this book.

[Chelsea Handler]

Vaginas opening everywhere from the east to the west. I also endorse horniness. And I think it is a very healthy way to go through life, is to be horny. To go after what you want to be open to different kind of sexual experiences and escapades, if you will, and to get after it. I mean, what's the point of being a woman if you're not gonna have fun with your body?

[Tinks]

Like, literally, just get after it. Have fun. Don't close yourself off to anything. I think we really all need to just be open to any woman. Being in your sexuality is so powerful when you own it. When you. When you say, yeah, actually, I am horny today, or when you say, yeah, that person turns me on, or this thing I read turns me on, whatever, that's so powerful. I feel like being Sexual as a woman has been so villainized in, in so many ways. And it's not about necessarily being slutty. That is a huge difference. And, and I feel like that's what they want you to us to believe. Like, oh, if you're, if you, you know, you're horny, you're a bad woman and you're slutty. True at all. We, we as women are, our sexuality is like connected to the cosmos. It's very powerful and the more that you're in that, the more powerful you'll be.

[Chelsea Handler]

And slutty is just a word created by men too to categorize women who wanna sleep with more than them. You know what I mean?

[Tinks]

Exactly.

[Chelsea Handler]

First of all, it's so empowering to be sexually free and sexually liberated, especially if you're a single woman and you haven't committed yourself to anyone yet. It's like, it's exploration. It's finding out not only what you like, it's finding out what you're attracted to, what your standards are, what you desire. Like it's so much better to be open minded than to be narrow minded in terms of sexuality. So it's a nice exploration of that in this book.

[Tinks]

100%. Yeah, yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Let's talk about. Well, I mean, are you in New York right now? It looks like your background. Yeah, that doesn't look like an LA background. I just saw Tinx recently on my book tour and she was nice enough to host me at the 92nd Street Y& interviewed me.

[Tinks]

So fun.

[Chelsea Handler]

And then we went to my birthday party and then we were talking about New York and la. And in this book there's a lot of New York and LA comparisons. So basically you were saying how much you love New York and your desire to be there more permanently. Talk to me about that a little bit.

[Tinks]

I'm just in a season of my life where I like to be in New York, you know, I found it far easier.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's more sex in New York for sure.

[Tinks]

More sex for sure. And more community. Just where I am in my life. I am single and I like a very full social life. I like to see my friends every week. I like to do things spontaneously. I like to say, hey, let's go get a martini at Finale's right now. And I want to have 10 friends who can do that. And the truth is I couldn't do that in la. You know, it's just not set up for that.

[Chelsea Handler]

No one wants to have a martini in the middle of the day in la.

[Tinks]

No one no one. No one wants to have a martini on a Friday night. They say, oh, the traffic, the Uber, this, that.

[Chelsea Handler]

When everybody's sober and everyone is sober here. Everyone's sober.

[Tinks]

Oh, I don't. The calories, this and that. I'm like, oh, my God. Like, I just. I want to have fun. I'm in a. I'm in a very big, fun era of my life, and I want the place that I live to reflect. That doesn't mean that there's not great things about L. A. There are fantastic things about L. A. If you are very wealthy and you have a family, Louisiana Is a nice place to live. There's a lot of great places, things to do in la. It's just not. If you're single and horny and, like, want to go out all the time, it's kind of a little difficult.

[Chelsea Handler]

I've been trying to move to New York for about five years now. And this house in LA that will never be finished, that I'm under construction on. Once again, I'm out of my house. Once again, callers, I am living at a friend's house without my dog Doug. Not for long, though. I'm heading back to Whistler in a couple days. But I cannot wait to finish this house, fucking sell it, rent it. I don't give a shit what happens, but I cannot wait to get an apartment in New York City and start living the life that you're describing. I'm so late. I'm 50. I should have done this when I was 40, but whatever, I don't care about time. I'm even hotter now than I was at 40, so it's gonna be even more exciting. And everybody's divorced now, so, like, this is the time to get back to me.

[Tinks]

I can't wait for my friends to get divorced. I know that's evil, but I cannot wait for them to come back to me. Right now, I'm in the phase where they're all, like, hunkering down and, like, having the kids, and I'm like, just, I'll bide my time.

[Chelsea Handler]

I'll wait.

[Tinks]

I'll wait. You're gonna. Yeah, you're gonna come back to me.

[Chelsea Handler]

And also, men break up with their wives at this time. Like, there's a lot of divorce that happens between the ages of 40 and 50. So it's good to catch someone on the tail end of their divorce. You know what I mean? If you're looking for someone who's not ready for a commitment and you were looking to have fun or if you are looking for a commitment.

[Tinks]

I feel like a divorce guy could be great for me. I. That doesn't scare me at all. In fact, it sounds actually like it could be good. Like a guy who's, you know, in his early 40s, he's been divorced, maybe he has one kid, so he's not stressed about having more. Because I'm not sure that I want kids, so I don't want that pressure on. And I think that could be great for me. But. Yeah, but. But he's got to want to have fun. It doesn't sound fun to me to just like be in a. In a nuclear family unit or whatever. That's not. That doesn't appeal to me. I want someone who's like, let's go to Mexico City this weekend and like, I don't know, take mushrooms at Soho House. Like, that's the kind of basic shit that really gets me off. And I want a guy who wants to do that with me.

[Chelsea Handler]

We're on the same page. Stinks. We're on the exact same page.

[Chelsea's Friend]

Actually, I'm the same. Maybe.

[Chelsea Handler]

Chelsea apparently have the exact same book. Hotter in the Hampton. Another thing you said to me when we spoke last time, I think this was on your podcast or I don't know, maybe it was private, but we'll talk about it. It was about how annoying men are and how bored you are. Now, was that directed just at la, or is that just an overall sentiment? Because you're not alone, obviously. I'm sure you're well aware my problem.

[Tinks]

With dating is not that I go on all these dates and nobody likes me and whatever. I find the conversation so boring, I'm almost bored to tears. And I'm not saying that in a rude way or to be a bit or whatever, but the most. The men I meet, I find them to be very one dimensional. And when I meet women, every time I meet a woman, she's like, oh, this morning I woke up and I ran a 10K. And then I baked some vegan muffins for my dog because he's going through some health issues. And then I went to my job and then I did this and that and I'm like, wow, I want to be your best friend and I want to know everything about you. And when I meet men, they're like, it's just. It's so hard to like, get in there and look, I've loved men in the past. I found men interesting in the past. But as I get older, I do find it more and more difficult to Find men who are super dimensional. And that is a problem I'm having with dating right now, because every time I go on a date, I'm like, oh, I'd rather be with my friends.

[Chelsea Handler]

I thought I liked this guy. And we were FaceTiming and there were a couple moments of silence. Like, you know, awkward silence. I mean, FaceTimes are pretty awkward when you don't know somebody. Well, I actually prefer not to have that happen, but this person assaulted me with a FaceTime a few times, and I just. I'm at the place in my life where I just am not filling in gaps of silence. Like, I don't care if it's awkward. Then you talk like, I don't have anything to tell you, or I'm pretty confident with who I am. And the moments of silence just were just. I just was like, it's a fun experiment to, like, look at someone and go, what? Okay, are you gonna say something? Cause I'm actually not going to say something. And to be on the phone and have that happen, you're like, this is so ridiculous.

[Tinks]

It's like, so ridiculous.

[Chelsea Handler]

You don't have anything to. I just met you. You don't have anything to tell me?

[Tinks]

No, it's. It's wild. And. And a lot of men also, like, I don't like to man bash too much because then I feel like it kind of makes my points less powerful. I'm truly not man bashing. But something that I have found very broadly with dating today is like, men don't ask you questions. And because I have my call in show, this is something that happens to a lot of young women right now, women, we go on these dates and we're like, well, where did you go and what did you see and what did it? And like, we will fill the silence and we will ask questions because we're genuinely curious about the other person. If you're on the other on a date or if you're on a FaceTime, surely you must have something to ask the person. But they. But they don't.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, no, no. It's unreal that how they will talk about themselves and then fail to ask you a question about yourself. You're trying to date me. You're not curious about anything. I mean, I know it's all pretty public, but don't you want to know anything personal about me?

[Tinks]

No. I went on a hinge date last year, and I actually. I was in a really low point in dating, so I was like, whatever, I'm gonna do an experiment and I Actually asked him a lot of questions. Like, I was really on my shit, you know, not in a crazy way, but I was very, very forthcoming with my questions. We went for 42 minutes before he asked me a question about myself. 42.

[Chelsea Handler]

What was the question?

[Tinks]

He was like, what do you. I don't actually know what your job is. And it was 42 minutes we were in. And at that point, my martini was done. I go, you know what? I'm going to be real with you. I'm not feeling it. I'm going to go home. And I went home.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, good for you. I love saying that. I love saying that.

[Tinks]

I'm like, how insane is that? 42 minutes? And you don't think, oh, this is a conversation. It goes back and forth. And I. I should be interested in this person.

[Chelsea Handler]

Well.

[Chelsea's Friend]

And like, that's the question that he came up with.

[Chelsea Handler]

I don't know what you do for a living.

[Tinks]

Like, that's.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah.

[Tinks]

And.

[Chelsea Handler]

And by the way, it's not even a question. It's not even a question.

[Tinks]

Like, if the date automatically goes to, oh, what do you do? Where are you from? It's just like, come on, be more interesting. Say, oh, I saw this thing today. Or, oh, have you watched that show? Da da da.

[Chelsea Handler]

Something that's unrelated to both of you. Talk about a subject matter. That's what I want to hear about. I went on a date the other night. Somebody set me up. That was nice. And I walked into the bar and this guy was wearing a bomber jacket and drinking chardonnay. And I. I just thought, what? Honestly, I sat down and I said, I don't have a lot of time. I probably only have 15 minutes. And I ordered a Tanqueray and soda. And then he was like, I'm gonna get another glass of chardonnay. And I said, well, enjoy it. Cause I'm leaving. And I left. And it was literally 15 minutes. Because that's how much time I have to spend with people. Like, I am not in the business. As you're not in the business at a certain age, you stop pretending that you have to make people feel good. It doesn't matter. I need to feel good. I need to go home and get sleep. I don't need to waste this tanker Ray and soda on you. I'd rather go home and take an edible and go to bed. Like, I don't.

[Tinks]

Yeah, that's the thing also is, like, if you are a person who's in command of their own life and who lives intentionally and has a lot of fun which isn't a lot of people. No. No shade. But, you know, a lot of people don't have command of their own emotions. Like, I just don't want to waste my time with something that isn't good for either of us. And I think that people need to be more forthcoming. But I also think people need to not take it so personally. If you go on a date and it ends quickly, sometimes girls will write to me and they'll be like, I'm so upset. And I'm like, you didn't like him either. It's okay to just cut your losses and be like, all right, we tried.

[Chelsea's Friend]

Cool.

[Tinks]

See you next time. Time is so precious. Time is the only limited resource we have, is the only thing we can't get back. You can get back everything else. You can never get back time. And the way that we throw time away in our 20s just on these, like, endless dates on, you know, the apps, and sitting there dating someone for three months when you know that they're a loser. Like, you're better to go home and read a book and take an edible and go to bed. Your. Your time on Earth is genuinely better spent on that because, you know, people need to get over the fact that, like, you're not going to die if you're single. You could die of boredom in some of these dates because they're so bad.

[Chelsea Handler]

Well, I think a lot of our listeners are listening, thinking, okay, so what happens when. Okay, so when you said that to that guy, I'm not feeling it. What was his response?

[Tinks]

Hand to God. I maybe didn't say, oh, I'm not feeling it. I think I said, you know what? I'm really tired. I've got to call it and go to bed. You know, whatever, but. Which is code for I'm not having fun. But I remember specifically that I was back at my apartment within the hour. I remember that I was, you know, whatever. The next day, he texts me and goes, hey. And he fucking walked me home. It was in New York. He walked me home, and I was like, jesus Christ. I couldn't believe it. The next morning, he texts me. He goes, hey, I'm actually going to a party in the building next to yours tonight if you wanted to come. And I was just thinking. And then I texted him and I said, I'm sorry. I really don't feel an emotional connection. But the most insane part is, even when I'm at my worst, even when I'm running a fucking science experiment, I'm still more fun than most of these Dudes, I mean, but by the way, it makes sense because if someone lets you speak about yourself for 42 minutes. He had the best time of his life. He didn't even realize he was free therapy. And, like, a little light standup for me and he got to have a martini. Meanwhile, I'm exhausted. I should have sent him a bill.

[Chelsea Handler]

The guy that I left with the chardonnay texted me the next day and said, I know you have a pretty busy weekend coming up, so I just wanna let you know, you know, don't work too hard. Have a fun weekend. I was going to, like, south by Southwest or something, and I said, thanks so much for the drink. Have all the fun weekends, period.

[Tinks]

Like, fuck off and leave me alone.

[Chelsea Handler]

Well, just like, I want to be direct because I don't want to waste anyone's time. I don't want to be mean, but I want to be direct. It's just like we as women have to retrain ourselves the way that we exist in relation to men. We're not there to be liked, we're there to like them. And we're. We get confused about being liked and liking them. And you can't just be worried about what someone thinks of you because that can't be. The only prerequisite to a relationship is someone liking you. You have to like them and then back it up 20ft and find out if you do. So, yes, I think that's obviously very.

[Tinks]

Common with women fuck who they want, men fuck who they can. And I stand on that.

[Chelsea's Friend]

This, actually, I have a caller who, like, would dovetail really nicely with this.

[Chelsea Handler]

Should we get into it?

[Tinks]

You were sweet.

[Chelsea Handler]

Sure, sure. Let's take a break and we'll be right back with Tinks.

[Chelsea's Friend]

If you'd like advice from Chelsea, write into [e-mail] we'd love to hear your questions for any juicy story you'd like advice on. And this week, we're specifically looking for questions related to meditation and personal and spiritual growth. So if you have any questions, please write [e-mail] this show is sponsored by Better Help.

[Chelsea Handler]

Therapy can feel like an investment, but it's one of the best investments that you can make. And with better help, it can be more affordable than paying out of pocket for traditional therapy. So let's talk numbers. Traditional in person therapy can cost anywhere from 100 to $250 per session, which adds up fast. But with BetterHelp online therapy, you can save on average up to 50% per session. With BetterHelp, you pay a flat fee for weekly sessions, saving you big on cost and on time. Therapy should feel accessible, not like a luxury. With online therapy, you get quality care at a price that makes sense and can help you with anything from anxiety to everyday stress. Your mental health is worth it, and now it's within reach. Therapy is great for helping you develop coping skills. You'll get feedback about when and how to set boundaries with family and friends. Be empowered to become the best version of yourself. Therapy isn't just for people who've had big T trauma. It's a way for all of us to be a little better every day. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally. It's convenient too. You can join a session with the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life, plus switch therapists at any time. Your well being is worth it. Visit betterhelp.com dearchelsea to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelph. E-L-P.com dearchelsea have you ever wondered what.

[Tinks]

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[Chelsea Handler]

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[Catherine]

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[Chelsea Handler]

And we're back with TX and we have a call. We have a pressing caller apparently, according to Katherine okay, great, bring it in.

[Chelsea's Friend]

Well, speaking of men wasting everybody's time, Lila writes Dear Chelsea, My partner and I need some advice on how to handle a really tough situation. Over two years ago, my partner's brother was unexpectedly diagnosed with epilepsy at around age 35. At the time, we just bought our house and were in the middle of renovating it with the mindset that it would just be the two of us living there. But when he started having seizures, we took him in so he wouldn't have to live alone while adjusting to his diagnosis. Since then, we've done our best to support him and he's in a much better place now. His seizures are under control with medication, he sees a psychologist and he likes his new neurologist. He's just shy of one year seizure free. The problem is, living with him has been really difficult. He's constantly in a bad mood, barely interacts with us, and is incredibly passive aggressive. He makes it clear when he doesn't like something we enjoy to the point where it feels like we're wrong for liking it. We feel like we're walking on eggshells in our own home. And honestly, it doesn't feel like our space anymore. It feels like his. Our house is small for three adults and at one point we even considered buying a bigger home just to make things more manageable, but we've realized that would just be putting a band aid on the situation. What we really need is for him to move out, but we know this conversation is not going to go well he doesn't handle things like this in an emotionally mature way. And we're anticipating a lot of negativity, tension and passive aggressiveness in the aftermath. We want to be clear, firm and kind when we tell him, but also stand up for ourselves and our needs. How do we have this conversation in a way that sets a boundary while minimizing the fallout? Lila.

[Chelsea Handler]

Hi, Lila.

[Caller Lila]

Hi.

[Chelsea Handler]

Hi. Say hi to our special guest, Tinks today.

[Caller Lila]

Hi, special.

[Chelsea's Friend]

Thanks.

[Caller Lila]

Hello.

[Tinks]

Hi.

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay, so Tanks, do you want to start or shall I?

[Tinks]

You start.

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay. I mean, this is obviously going to be a difficult conversation, but it's necessary. So you and your husband are, I'm assuming Lila are on the same page?

[Caller Lila]

Um, yeah, My partner's also a female.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, okay. So great. She's on the same page as you. Okay, great. So, yeah, you guys are going to have to sit down. I mean, honestly, I actually think this is more of her responsibility than yours. But if you want to be a caring partner, then you can. I mean, it is your house. You've had the experience with him and it is a little bit of a cop out to say, no, you handle it, cuz it's your sibling. Do you feel the same way or do you.

[Caller Lila]

Yeah, for sure. I. We have said that I think that she should handle that conversation, but I do think I should probably be at least be there for that.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, I think that, first of all, you have to firmly state what is going to happen and a timeframe. You always have to give people a timeframe that is not negotiable. And it can be a generous timeframe. It could be 30 days, it could be 60 days. Whatever you think is generous, you know what I mean, to give him the benefit of the doubt because he's getting information that is unexpected in his brain, but because of all of the behaviors and because he's gotten himself into a healthier place, he no longer needs to be living with the two of you. So that's just a practical matter. He's got his medication. He's not having seizures. Is he having any seizures at all?

[Caller Lila]

No.

[Chelsea Handler]

No. No. Okay, so there was no plan ever for you two to have a third party living with you, so you went out of your way. How long has he been living with you guys?

[Caller Lila]

Two years.

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay, first of all, he should have been gone a year ago so that you're. You've been overly generous. And I can just tell by the tone of your voice that you might be a little bit nicer than you're gonna need to be in this situation. For sure. Yeah. So. And you guys actually should sit down together, you and your partner, before you do this, and really, like, meditate, intentionalize what you're gonna say, how you're gonna say it, that you are gonna be unwavering, and you're gonna give him, I don't know what sounds good to you, 30 days or 60 days, honestly.

[Caller Lila]

I guess you're right. I'm too nice. I would give him, like, six months.

[Chelsea Handler]

No, no, that's two months or three months. Max. Max. Two and a half years. You're gonna live with your brother. Your relationship. Your relationship might not survive that. Like, your relationship is being fractured by this interloper. And by the way, he's not an interloper. Listen, something bad happened. You guys helped him. You did the right thing. It's family. Family helps family. You would probably do it for a friend, too, but two years is an exhausting amount of time to share a space with somebody who's passive aggressive, who's insulting to your opinions or your likes or all of these things. And it's just an unpleasant person to be around. So you just have to state it that way. Listen, we've been here. We've helped you, and now we feel like it's been two years and we're ready to be, you know, living by ourselves again. You're up on your feet. You can handle this sickness and illness with the meds now, and it's time to see work.

[Caller Lila]

Yes, he does great.

[Chelsea Handler]

So what's he doing with his money? Is he paying rent to you guys at all?

[Caller Lila]

A little. I mean, he pays 700, but other than that, like, we kind of just did this to, like, help him get on his feet, have him save money and, like, give him an opportunity to, like, buy something for himself and, like, actually do something with his life that he likes. But it just feel like he has no plan. He says he's gonna go do these things, and he just doesn't. Comes up with excuses constantly.

[Chelsea Handler]

Right. Okay. So I think you should write all of these points down, too, so that you can give him a list of things after so that there isn't any confusion in the conversation and any twisting of the words, like, we wanted to help you out. You were in a bad way. We did that. We wanted you to get on your feet. We wanted you to seek the right medical care. You've done all of these things. Look at all of the things that you've done in the past two years, which he's not looking at.

[Tinks]

Right.

[Chelsea Handler]

He's not thinking about how far he's come, but you need to remind him about all of the like things that are better than they were and now is a good time. And even if you say for the next couple months, you don't have to pay us rent while you save money to find your own place, you don't have to pay us 700 unless you really need that money from him.

[Caller Lila]

Yeah, I mean I feel like it's a very generous amount considering like the type of job that he has. He can absolutely support himself.

[Chelsea Handler]

So.

[Caller Lila]

But yeah, we definitely do need the money because I'm in school right now and I'm, I'm only working part time, but I'm almost done.

[Chelsea Handler]

Great. Totally fair. Another thing you could point out, you make a great living. You could totally afford to live on your own. Our relationship, we never intended to have a third person. And while we loved you and totally would never take this time back, blah, blah, blah. It's now time for us to figure out a transition plan for you to leave. But you have to give him a time frame.

[Chelsea's Friend]

Yeah, like with a date, a specific date.

[Chelsea Handler]

Tinx, what do you think?

[Tinks]

I completely agree. I think a timeframe is super helpful. I think being firm. I think laying it out with your partner, what you're gonna say beforehand will be helpful because I agree with Chelsea. You sound very, very nice and sometimes you get in those situations and if he's already a bit passive aggressive, he's going to be like, well, you know, what about this and that? You need to be firm. You need to be kind and firm and brief and just lay down the law and yeah, it's time. I feel like you probably don't even realize like how much this is weighing on your relationship in your life. Like you deserve to have a great life with your partner. You guys have been more than generous. It's time for the next chapter now.

[Chelsea Handler]

Two years is way too long. You are way past your expiration date.

[Chelsea's Friend]

Yeah, yeah.

[Caller Lila]

Well, the first year he was having seizures on and off. So it kind of kept pushing the timeline, pushing it. But like now we're getting in a better spot and he has almost been seizure free for a year. So I kind of feel like we're waiting for these like medications to actually like work well and be comfortable where he's at. And like now he's seeing a psychologist and he seems to be like working things out from the their childhood that has been tough.

[Chelsea Handler]

So Great, great. All of these things mean that he's made. Like these are things you should list down for him, like, all of his milestones that he's made. You know, sometimes people don't remember how far they've come and they still think they're struggling, struggling, struggling. And it's like, wait a second, you did this, this, this and this. Look at how far you've come. You're resilient, you're strong, and you're ready to be on your own again. And seriously, make a list of all of the things he's accomplished so that he can reflect on that too. You know, that could kind of take some of the sting out. And he may not have a great reaction. It sounds like he probably won't. But don't worry about that. That's not your problem. You have demonstrated loving kindness and compassion, and now you are taking your ownership back of your life and there is nothing to be sorry about for that.

[Chelsea's Friend]

And I feel like if there are some tantrums, if there's some passive aggressiveness, like, expect that. And I think you can just be like, okay, like, if he makes a snide comment, like, okay, don't let him bait you into stuff. Don't let him turn this transition period ugly and weird and awkward. Like, let stuff roll off your back because you know there's a date when it's gonna be over.

[Caller Lila]

Yep, yep. That makes a lot of sense. It really has caused a lot of stress in our relationship.

[Chelsea Handler]

We, of course, argue quite a bit.

[Tinks]

Yeah, yeah, of course.

[Chelsea Handler]

Nobody wants to live with their fucking family member. Like, nobody in a marriage wants their brother or sister living there. That's just not an ideal situation. Many people do it out of the goodness of their heart and their bonds to their family, but it's not ideal. So, I mean. And two years, that's enough. It's enough already. And I would really impress upon you to say make it a two or three month situation, not a six month. Six months will go on. You have to assume it's gonna go over a month that you ask for. So just say two months is a fair amount of time for you to start looking for a place. If it takes a little bit longer, fine. But we would really love for you to have a plan within two months. A living plan makes a lot of sense, for sure. And one more thing, don't engage if he is. If he does start an argument, if he does wanna get into it, do not engage with that. Just say, I'm so sorry, we're not gonna talk to you in this kind of tone. This is not healthy for us and we don't want to like, when there's one person arguing by themselves, there's not a big argument happening for very long. So as long as you don't get into it with him and you don't allow your partner, you know, like, instruct her to do the same thing. Don't get mired in the back and forth and all of that. And, like, you did. Didn't do this. It's like, no, we're simply stating what our boundary is. This is a boundary. People don't like that word, but it's going to bring out the best in him at some point. Just maybe not right away. Yep.

[Caller Lila]

Totally. For sure. I agree with that.

[Chelsea's Friend]

All right. Will you keep us posted, Lila?

[Caller Lila]

I will. Yeah. I will check back in for sure.

[Chelsea Handler]

All right.

[Tinks]

Good luck. Be strong.

[Chelsea Handler]

Thank you. Be strong, Lila.

[Caller Lila]

I will. Thank you so much.

[Chelsea Handler]

I wish I knew about boundaries earlier on in my life, you know, I'm boundaryless. I had no boundaries. I mean, I still am a little bit murky on the boundary stuff. Cause sometimes I just can't help myself, you know, I'm like, oh, you know, I want to give my driver a massage inside my house. I mean, not for me, but you know what I mean?

[Chelsea's Friend]

Right, right, right.

[Chelsea Handler]

And I have so many friends who are like, you can't, Chelsea. That is a line that you cannot cross. And it always bites me in the ass. It does bite me in the ass.

[Chelsea's Friend]

Well, our next question comes from Claire. Claire says, dear Chelsea, I need some advice. Wisdom, clarity, anything at this point. My partner of 10 years cheated on me and left me for his coworker about a year and a half ago. The relationship wasn't perfect, but it turns out I was the only one trying to make it work since he was lying about his feelings, lying about going to therapy, and apparently this woman. I've been working with my therapist to rebuild. But there's one thing that I think you'd have some helpful insight on. I'm turning 35, and it's been a scary age for me because I'm on the fence about kids. I'm worried that I won't find someone else because they're either all taken or crazy or think I'm too old. And that whether I want kids or not, I'll just run out of time for the option. I've looked into egg freezing, but it's so cost prohibitive, and the current political climate makes it scary. I was never one of those people who thought I needed a man to feel happy. And the whole marriage, 2.5 kids, white picket fence Thing. But I do know after this experience that I want a partner. Something I didn't know before I met him. Now I feel like I'm too old and it's too late, even though everyone tells me it's not. But I know a lot of women in their 40s and 50s who went through what I did at this age and have pretty much been single ever since. I think I have to accept the possibility that it will just be me and my dog, but I'm not sure how to do that. Do you have any advice for getting to the point where you like yourself enough that being alone is okay and releasing the heteronormative, misogynistic idea that doing so would make me a failure? Sincerely yours, Claire.

[Chelsea Handler]

Hi, Claire. Hi. Hi. This is our special guest, Tanks. Hi, Claire. You have to have some healthier conversations with yourself. Do you have a therapist? Yes. Okay, well, you need to start. First of all, you need to start getting up every day and writing positive things about yourself. Start writing things that you're grateful for about in your life. It could be your dog. It could be the air that you're breathing. It could be your face, it could be your skin, it could be your sister, or it could be anything. Just get up every morning and write down 10 things that you're happy about. Cause you need a vibe shift. And in about 15 days of doing that, your vibe will shift. You need to get into the attitude of gratitude instead of looking at what you don't have and what you lost. While I don't want to negate anything that happened to you, that is heartbreaking, that your husband left you for somebody he worked with, and all of that is heartbreaking. But you're also free from that. That wasn't the person for you. You're free from that. That is a gift. You're 35 years young. 35 years old is nothing. Do not worry about what your age is. Worry about your state of happiness and your state of self, love. You need to work on really, really getting to know who you are and what you want instead of meeting the expectations that you think the outside world has for you. Marriage and children. That's fine. You need to find out, do you really even want that, or is that something that you've been taught to want? Yeah, this is something that I've been working on with my therapist. And like, you know, right after he left, I got a gratitude journal. I was like, this isn't working. And my therapist was like, nothing is going to work right now because of the trauma. You just went through. So I've been thinking about picking that back up and trying to do, like, listening to self affirmations. It's just so hard to, like, believe them kind of at this point.

[Tinks]

It takes time to start the engine of gratitude. Like, it takes, like Chelsea said, a few days. It takes some consistency. But I promise you, like, I'm in a similar. I mean, ish. I'm 30, I'm about to be 35, I'm single. And I have to tell you, a vibe shift is possible because I'm 35 and single and I'm like, oh my God, I could do anything. Like, I literally could do anything. I'm so young, I don't know what I want. I'm open. Isn't that exciting? And like Chelsea said, you're free now to start again. And that is the most beautiful thing is, like, you have the autonomy to make your life what you love. And for me, I really resonate with a lot of what you say. You're like, oh, I don't know, maybe it will just be me. Am I okay on that? And any time I get into that fuzzy space, I'm like, how can I make myself happier? That's not a selfish thought. That is the most important thing that we don't teach ourselves in this world. You have to make yourself happy. You have to say, okay, what am I grateful for? What am I going to do this weekend for me, what am I. How am I going to reframe my life and my energy to give myself love? Because you're right, you have been through something traumatic. To be cheated on, to be left like that is a traumatic thing. But it's over now. And now you need to focus on yourself because there is so much good ahead of you. The best is 100% yet to come. You just have to start living in that space.

[Chelsea's Friend]

And I do agree there is something about affirmations that, like, you do kind of have to fake it till you make it. You say them and they sound like bullshit until you say em enough times and they start to sound true. And then you feel it like you've seen it in a hundred movies, right?

[Chelsea Handler]

It's absolutely true that it can feel. It's the same with meditation. It's the same with affirmations. It's same as writing down. Every morning I look in the mirror and say, hello, beautiful. What kind of shenanigans are we gonna get up to today? I say that to the mirror every single day and I fucking believe it. Cause I'm like, Who fucking knows what you're gonna get up to today. And the thing is, yes, your trauma is your trauma. Everyone has their trauma. Something terrible happens to you. Every disaster in your life is a gift and you have to look at it like the gift is ahead of you. Don't you wanna get it? Don't you want to get after it and find out what's waiting for you? Because there is a whole other life for you now. There's a whole other self exploration. I didn't find out who I was until I was like 42 years old. Like, I didn't really get down to business until I really, I mean, and really went to therapy and started to understand my pain and started to understand, oh, I don't even want to. I mean, and I'm not saying this is going to be you, but I'm like, wait, I don't even want a long term partner. I want lots. Like, I had to admit that I wanted multiple partners, that I wanted lots of lovers, that I wanted. You know, I never wanted children, so that wasn't an issue that I had to contend with. But like, this is a growth curve for you. Like, this is a huge growth experience and you need to lean into it instead of being scared to go into it. You know what I mean? You need to like dive headfirst and be like, this is all about me. The next six months are all about me. What I like to do when I want to do it. If you want to lie in bed all day and watch tv, do that. If you want to go out, you know, with your friends and go on some crazy vacation, do that. If you want to spend your, you know, join clubs or book clubs or a bowling club, whatever the fuck you want to do, do it. You know what I mean? You're free to do whatever you want. You don't have a partner limiting or prohibiting anything. Yeah, I've been doing all of that. I've gone on a couple of vacations this year and been trying to do. I've joined some groups that I've been volunteering with and stuff. I think the hardest part for me is the mind shift thing. It's like while I'm doing those things, my brain is still ruminating on like, well, you're doing this alone kind of thing. And I think that's the hardest hurdle for me. And you're right. I just have to keep trying with the gratitude and the affirmations and stuff and the mind shift. But even moreover, I want you to picture that you have a daughter in like, five years. You have a daughter and she gets to see this whole version of you. What do you wanna show her? You know, what do you wanna demonstrate for her? That you grabbed life by the balls and that you went after it? And that you didn't sit there thinking about your ex and what his girlfriend are doing? That's none of your business anymore, okay? He's out of your life. And yes, while that is heartbreaking and traumatizing, once you get through all of that murkiness, there is a whole big rainbow waiting for you. I promise you. So, like, just think about this little girl that is gonna come into your life at some point. Okay? And how do you want her to see her mother? And how do you want her to look at that time that she spent after this?

[Chelsea's Friend]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

And then make your decisions based on that. That's really helpful. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. And how long ago was your breakup, by the way?

[Tinks]

About a year.

[Chelsea Handler]

A year. Okay, so that's a fair amount of time to kind of wallow and feel, you know, shitty. Take this year, Mark. And this phone call and like, let's turn it around and start with the gratituding. Every morning, Write it down 10 times. Write it on paper. Don't write it in your notes section or on your computer. Write it down and leave it out. And every once in a while, go back and look, you know, and then you're gonna see this, like, progression of how you become happier and, you know, start meditating. Even if it's just three minutes a day, just add it to your repertoire. Like, I wanna be. My pursuit is to be a happier person. My pursuit is to fall more and more in love with myself. And don't worry about the men. Just worry about yourself right now.

[Chelsea's Friend]

Yeah. You said something a couple minutes ago about, like, I'm going through this alone. And it was. Was a negative. But when things like that come out of your mouth, find a way to turn it into a positive. You get to go through this next year alone. You get to do whatever the hell you want. You get to make all of the decisions for yourself and do what makes you happy. So, like, take opportunities to, like, turn stuff like that on its head. When you hear it in your head, when you hear it come outta your mouth, turn it around.

[Chelsea Handler]

And the thinking of, like, you know, the exes and all that stuff, I promise you, down the road, that will all come around full circle 100%. And you're gonna. And you're not gonna care when. And so just imagine that time, because it will happen. It always does. That's the way the world works. And karma is a real thing. So keep yours healthy and be on your own team. Okay? Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Okay. Thank you.

[Tinks]

We love you.

[Chelsea Handler]

Chin up. Be happy.

[Caller Lila]

Thank you.

[Chelsea Handler]

Start smiling. Have a good one. Thank you. Okay, bye.

[Chelsea's Friend]

Bye.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, she seems sad.

[Chelsea's Friend]

Yeah. Yeah, I think this. I think this will be the jump start she needs.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, lots of people need a jump start.

[Chelsea's Friend]

Yeah, that's true.

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay, we'll take a quick break and we're going to come back with one more caller and wrap up with Tinksy Winksy.

[Tinks]

What are you looking for in a new smart TV? 4K picture quality, high quality and immersive sound. A sleek design. All of those are givens, but only the new Roku Pro series has all of those. And the Roku Streaming experience and award winning OS get fast, easy access to all your apps like iHeart, where you can stream all your favorite music, radio and podcasts all day. And regular, all inclusive trips to Roku City. The new Roku Pro series. A smart TV built by the streaming pros.

[Chelsea Handler]

Listen up guys. You know what's better than being a jittery mess after your third coffee? Actually functioning like a normal human being. Beyond Brew by Live Conscious is a six in one mushroom blend that won't make you trip balls, but it will give you mental clarity and focus to get through your day. Thanks to mushrooms like cordyceps and reishi. Beyond Brew also has pre and probiotics so you'll feel less bloated and avoid seven trips to the bathroom every day. I love it because you can put it in your coffee or just mix it into hot water or milk. It also tastes great in smoothies. Look, Forbes called Beyond Brew a deliciously potent coffee alternative and 400,000 people can't be wrong. With barely any caffeine, it won't have you crashing midday and at just 20 calories per serving, you'll get all the benefits and none of the guilt, unlike going to your favorite coffee chain. Plus, it comes in cacao, caramel macchiato and vanilla latte because we are not savages. Trust me, I genuinely feel better after taking this stuff. Your mind and body will thank you later. Go to liveconscious.com and use code Chelsea for 15% off.

[Catherine]

Unlike what you're listening to, T Mobile's coverage is no joke because T Mobile helps keep you connected from the heart of Portland to right where you are on America's largest 5G network. Switch now keep your phone and T Mobile will pay it off at the $800 per line via prepaid card. Visit your local T Mobile location or learn more@t mobile.com KeepAndSwitch up to four lines via virtual prepaid card. Last 15 days qualifying unlock device, credit service port in 90 plus days device and eligible carrier and timely redemption required. Card is no cash access. It expires and six.

[Chelsea Handler]

A Mother's love deserves a gift like no other Celebrate her love, strength and style with heartfelt jewelry from Pandora. From iconic charms to sparkling necklaces, rings, earrings and more, there are so many ways to say thank you Mom. Pandora even has in store engraving so you can treat your mom to a trip to the store and have your pieces engraved together with your own handwriting. So on Mother's Day and every day, tell her how much she means to you with a gift from Pandora. Visit Pandora in store or [e-mail] and we're back. Oh shit.

[Chelsea's Friend]

She always does the bin.

[Chelsea Handler]

Sorry, sorry, I forgot.

[Chelsea's Friend]

Well, our last caller today is ava. She is 23. Dear Chelsea, I'm 23 years old and I live in California. I'm Californian born and raised. I moved to LA about a month ago. I have a childhood friend whose life has taken a lot of the same turns as mine. We went to the same college and are now both living in la. Not together though and not intentionally. She's a dear friend and her good qualities are amazing but her bad qualities often feel detrimental. She's a bit clingy and jealous. She gets butthurt when I have plans with other friends that do not include her even going as far as tracking my location and asking what I'm doing all the time. I want to be inclusive but I want to carve my own way in this new city and do not want to feel like I have a jealous boyfriend looking over my every move. I do not think her behavior is ill intended, just a bit immature and lingering effects of some past issues of being left out due to her immaturity level. I would find it hard to have an honest conversation with her about this since she's intertwined with my childhood and college friends, which is basically all of my friends. I do not see letting the friendship slip as an option. Please advise Ava hi, thanks for having me. This is the best day ever. Hi.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh hi cutie. Look how cute you are. This is Tanks, our special guest today. Hi. Huge fan of both of you. Thanks for having me today. Sure thing, sure thing. So I mean you're gonna have to have a conversation with her. It's just a matter of how truthful the conversation will be. So why is she tracking your location?

[Chelsea's Friend]

I know we live together at once.

[Tinks]

And so that's kind of where the.

[Chelsea Handler]

Location thing came in.

[Tinks]

But yeah, it's tricky.

[Chelsea's Friend]

I mean, I want to do my.

[Chelsea Handler]

Own thing and I want to, you know, carve my own way and it's.

[Tinks]

Just, it makes it very difficult. And I think that's what's hard is having that kind of conversation with honesty.

[Chelsea Handler]

But also with kindness.

[Chelsea's Friend]

I just don't know how to find that balance.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, I hear you. I mean, it has to come from a very, very loving place with somebody who's delicate. Tanks, what are your thoughts? Thoughts?

[Tinks]

I don't know. I feel like this is so like, I completely understand. I've been in similar situations like this also. When you're 23, your friendships feel heightened and she's just like, she just loves you. She just wants to be around you all the time. But you know, that's not your problem. You need to set this boundary. I think for me, I always try to approach conversations like this with at least a little bit of humor and lightness. So maybe it's like the next time she's like, like, why are you at this coffee shop without me? I think maybe the next time you see her just go, you know, like, I, dude, I love you, but I, I can see other people without you. And, and it doesn't mean I love you any less. Sometimes I just, I go places without you. You know, kind of saying it in that way, light hearted so that she doesn't feel like it's some big like sit down attack thing. Because again, it sounds like she is a little bit delicate.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, absolutely. I love that. Thank you.

[Tinks]

Chelsea, what do you think I would say?

[Chelsea Handler]

Cause yeah, I mean if the sit down conversation, I think that's great advice. I think if the sit down conversation, if she's too immature for that, which she probably is, then it's probably gonna hurt her feelings and it's gonna blow up to a point where you're gonna start to feel guilty about how you made her feel, which is like getting back to square one. So yeah, I would drop little hints like that the way Tinx is suggesting, you know, in a humorous way and be like, oh, okay, I don't know.

[Chelsea's Friend]

Like we can't be attached at the.

[Chelsea Handler]

Hip, you know, like we don't live together anymore. Like, you know, you actually, you don't need to track me. I don't want to like stress you out by me. I Don't want to stress you out by you seeing, like, what I'm doing all day, but obviously I have other people in my life, honey. I think the great line is it doesn't make me love you any less. But we're not. Like, I actually don't know how to sell someone who's so needy. Like, I just could never fucking tolerate that shit, you know what I mean?

[Tinks]

So young twenties. Like, I had. I. Because I lived with girls, like, all throughout my 20s, and we had such relationships like that where it was like, you get in the pattern of doing everything with them and then some. And then one day someone's like, oh, I'm going to get froyo alone. And everyone's like, call the royal guard. Like, what's happening? So it's just like, I think that the more, like, light and goofy you can do it is better because again, it's just. It does feel like an intense situation. So, yeah, I think saying something like that or saying. Or like joking and being like, dude, if you don't stop tracking me, I am gonna stop sharing my location. Just like, in a kind of a jokey, like, tone like that. And just be like. Like, you know, sometimes I just gotta see the other. The other people, you know, and be like, I have to go make memories so that I have gossip to tell you when I come to see you next. You know, always light, light, light with the tone. And, you know, if she doesn't get the hint, if she takes it really seriously, then. And, you know, it's time to go to square two.

[Chelsea Handler]

What about the idea of tinks? Let me know what you girls think about this Catherine tutu. Like, what do you think about complaining about her? This is very passive aggressive. But what do you think about complaining about her, her qualities, pretending they're about someone else to her? Like, what about that? What if you're like, oh, my God, this guy, you know, or one of my girlfriends? She's on me all the time. She's texting me all the time. Like, what is that approach?

[Chelsea's Friend]

Like, can you believe she only wants me to hang out with her? That's crazy.

[Tinks]

You know what's horrible?

[Chelsea Handler]

I think I've done that before and I don't think. I don't think the hint was really going through. Yeah, that's not pretty straightforward advice. I'm usually against kind of being passive aggressive, but, like, sometimes with people you have to be so special. Like, you know, you have to handle so delicately. It's exhausting. Totally.

[Tinks]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

I love that, though.

[Chelsea's Friend]

Not A whole intervention.

[Tinks]

I think that feels super approachable. That feels great.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah.

[Chelsea's Friend]

Like, address it when it comes up. And I also think, like, maybe today is the day we stop sharing location. What do we think? Gals?

[Chelsea Handler]

I don't know. How do you say that?

[Tinks]

No, she'll freak out if you just. If you just remove it, then she'll freak out. Like, that's too much.

[Chelsea Handler]

Well, maybe. Maybe you just. No, I don't know. Maybe you just say you removed. Everyone's like, sharing location. Like, you just realize you. Not everybody needs it except for your mom or your dad or whatever.

[Chelsea's Friend]

Yeah, Like, I did a refresh.

[Chelsea Handler]

I just did a refresh ago. I didn't even think about it. I just was looked at. I was sharing locations with so many people. I just was like, why? This is not necessary. Yeah.

[Tinks]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Awesome.

[Tinks]

I love that.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. Yeah, that's easy. I think to do I have to check out my locations? Because someone said something like that to me the other day and I'm like, how many people am I sharing locations with? And then I looked and it's like, fucking 400 people. Like three ex boyfriends. I'm so. I'm so stupid. I know. Well, no, I mean, obviously no one's coming to get me. I mean, knock on wood. Anyway, thanks for calling in and I hope we were able to help. Tink was a. Tinx was able to. Tinks. Tix is her new name. I've decided it's a tick. Like a summer tick.

[Tinks]

I'm gonna leave you alone.

[Chelsea Handler]

A tick in the Hamptons. She helped you, though, so that's it. I love it. Thank you both so much.

[Tinks]

Good luck. Bye, babe. Thank you.

[Chelsea Handler]

Bye.

[Chelsea's Friend]

Thanks. Thanks.

[Chelsea Handler]

There's nothing I abhor more than needy friends. I cannot fucking handle it. I am not needy and I don't want you to need me. That's why I don't have fucking children.

[Tinks]

It turns me off. It's so, like. Yeah, it's just so annoying. Like, the neediness or insecurity in the friendship. It's really a turn off for me and friends. I don't have any insecure friends.

[Chelsea Handler]

And the thing that I really hate is when friends get jealous of you hanging out with other. I had a friend who would get mad if I hung out with someone she introduced me to. Without her, I'm like, that's how people meet. That's how people get introduced. You introduce. Do you know how many people I've introduced that are best friends without me? Like, I fucking love that.

[Chelsea's Friend]

Which is great.

[Chelsea Handler]

Leave me out of the equation. I don't care. Like, it's not a problem. That's what you're supposed to do, is connect people in life. Like, you're supposed to introduce the people you love to each other and hopefully they make a connection.

[Tinks]

No, I take it as a point of pride when I see people that I've introduced hanging out, out together. That.

[Chelsea Handler]

That's.

[Tinks]

That's good. Good. Good people know good people. I love being a connector, but when people get weird about it, I'm like, oh, for God's sakes, we're adults.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah.

[Tinks]

People insecure. A lot of people are insecure. Most people are insecure.

[Chelsea Handler]

What's your love status right now, Tanks? Is anything happening in your neck of the woods?

[Tinks]

I'm single. I mean, I'm going on a few dates, but I'm pretty single. I'm pretty happy. I'm. I'm honestly having the time of my life. Like, I just gotta believe Miami with my friends. I'm. My book's about to come out. Like, shit's good. I'm having a good time.

[Chelsea Handler]

And. Are you working with a dating coach?

[Tinks]

She came on my podcast, and she is like this, you know, really famous dating coach. And she. I said in the middle of it, oh, why don't you look at my dating profile and, like, tell me what you think? In the middle of my podcast, she read me to filth. She was like, this is the worst dating app profile. Your pictures are too slutty. This is too negative. We gotta change all this because. Because I said on there, I said, no one who will be intimidated. I travel a lot for work. I'm looking to have fun. And. And I'm like, you know, blah, blah, blah. And she was like, God, this is so. But, you know, at the end of.

[Chelsea Handler]

The day, that's who I am.

[Tinks]

I do come in a bit like that. I'm very like, yeah, I'm like that. I'm like, don't do that. This is me. I like to have fun. And I. I do dress like a. So I feel like I should be honest about that.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, I agree with that. I think you put your, like, right. You put your most honest foot forward, Even if that foot has two bunions. You're like, listen, this is me. This is who I am, and this is how it's gonna be. Because then there shouldn't be any confusion.

[Tinks]

Exactly. I thought I was being honest.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. I don't like people who come in and say, oh, no, you gotta do this. How would you know? Like, are you're not a professional dater, obviously, because you're running a dating website or dating coaching, whatever it is. But I agree with that. I think the honesty is always the best policy, which is why I just told that girl to lie to her friend. Okay, so Hotter in the Hamptons is Tinx's new book. It comes out May 6th. It's gonna be available everywhere. It's available for pre order, so please pre order your book. Enjoy it. It's time to get frisky in the summertime, everybody. Okay, ladies, and thank you. Tanks, it was always thanks. It's always a pleasure to see you.

[Tinks]

Always a pleasure. This was fabulous. Thank you. Thank you guys for having me.

[Chelsea Handler]

Have a great day.

[Chelsea's Friend]

Bye.

[Chelsea Handler]

Do do do do do do Drum roll, Catherine, please. And abroad broad is my European tour. So I'm coming to obviously find a husband abroad. I need to get the hell out of this fucking country. And it's not as easy as you think. So I'm coming to Reykjavik. I'm coming to Dublin. I'm coming to the UK I'm coming to Brussels, Paris, Belfast in May and June. I'm coming to Oslo, Stockholm to Copenhagen, Manchester, London, Glasgow, New Zurich, Vienna. I've never ever been to Vienna, Berlin, Barcelona and Lisbon. I'm coming abroad is abroad.

[Chelsea's Friend]

That sounds like fun. I'm gonna go see you abroad.

[Chelsea Handler]

I know I want to go see me abroad. And there I'll be there. I'll be excellent. Okay, my remaining dates for Vegas. There are remaining dates for this year. Summert is coming and I will be in Vegas at the Cosmo. Doing my residency on July 5th will be the next date that I'm there. July 5th, August 30th and then November 1st and 29th. November 1st and November 29th. I will be in Las Vegas at the Cosmo performing inside myself at the Chelsea. It's called Chelsea at the Chelsea for a reason. Okay, thank you.

[Chelsea's Friend]

Do you want advice from Chelsea? Write into dearchelseapodcastmail.com Find full video episodes of Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching earchelseapod. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert Executive producer Kathryn Law. And be sure to check out our merch@chelsea handler.com.

[Chelsea Handler]

Youm guys know that I love Doug and if you have pets, you get it. You want to give them the best. Just Food for Dogs has Doug wagging his tail and excited for mealtimes. I love that Just Food for Dogs meals is made with real human grade ingredients. No weird fillers or mystery meat. It is vet formulated, fresh and backed by science. Feeding your dogs should be simple. Go to justfoodfordogs.com right now to get 50% off. Your first order to try it for yourself. That's justfoodfordogs.com for 50% off.

[Tinks]

What are you looking for in a new smart TV? 4K picture quality, high quality and immersive sound. A sleek design? All of those are givens, but only the new Roku Pro series has all of those and the Roku Streaming Experience an award winning OS. Get fast easy access to all your apps like iHeart where you can stream all your favorite music, radio and podcasts all day and regular all inclusive trips to Roku City. The new Roku Pro series, a smart TV built by the streaming pros.

[Chelsea Handler]

Listen up. You know what's better than being a jittery mess after your third coffee? Actually functioning like a normal human being. Beyond Brew by Live Conscious is a six in one mushroom blend that won't make you trip balls, but it will give you mental clarity, focus and less bloating. Forbes called Beyond Brew a deliciously potent coffee alternative and 400,000 people can't be wrong. It comes in cacao, caramel macchiato and vanilla latte. Because we are not savages. Your mind and body will thank you later. Go to liveconscious.com and use code Chelsea for 15% off. A mother's love deserves a gift like no other. Celebrate her love, strength and style with heartfelt jewelry from Pandora. From iconic charms to sparkling necklaces, rings, earrings and more, there are so many ways to say thank you Mom. Pandora even has in store engraving so you can treat your mom to a trip to the store and have your pieces engraved together with your own handwriting. So on Mother's Day and every day, tell her how much she means to you with a gift from Pandora. Visit Pandora in store or [e-mail].