Katherine (3:04)

Hello, Chelsea.

Chelsea Handler (3:05)

Welcome to Mini Nugget Nugget episodes.

Katherine (3:08)

Yes, we're doing a little couples counseling today. Oh, great.

Chelsea Handler (3:10)

I love it. Let's go.

Katherine (3:12)

We have actually a little update from Heather who we. I don't think we talked to her. I think this was just an email, but it was from the Celeste Barber episode. She had found out her husband was cheating with a sex worker. He was the one that tried to blame the kids for the missing makeup sort of thing. And she was sort of like, what do I tell clients and other people who are like, why are you getting divorced? You know, she wanted to tell them why. So she says, hello, I'm writing to give you an update. I just heard this email read on the Celeste Barber episode on the one year anniversary of the prostitute visit. The advice, as always, is spot on. I've begun a whole new chapter and I've been brutally honest with some people and some people still don't know. But regardless, it's my story to tell on my own terms. I can't believe I listened to this on the anniversary of it all. The universe is amazing. Thank you for all the good vibes you keep putting out there and for encouraging the rest of us to do the same. It certainly works.

Chelsea Handler (4:08)

Heather, that's sweet. You know what? I forgot to tell you. Did I tell you this?

Katherine (4:12)

I don't know.

Chelsea Handler (4:13)

Okay, so remember there was an episode of this woman who called in, this was a couple of years ago, and she had a sister who had down syndrome and her mother had died, their parents died, I think, or something.

Katherine (4:27)

Yes, I remember that.

Chelsea Handler (4:28)

And she was deliberating what to do about her sister, if she should have her sister move in with her or if she should put her sister in a facility that could take care of her.

Katherine (4:36)

And she was kind of trying to start dating sort of thing.

Chelsea Handler (4:39)

How am I gonna meet a man if I have my sister to take care of? So I bumped into this woman In Squamish, Vancouver, like. Or British Columbia, I should say. It's on the way to Whistler. I bumped into this woman with her sister.

Katherine (4:52)

Oh, my gosh.

Chelsea Handler (4:54)

And she. I've bumped into her now twice. So the first time I bumped into her, I was like. She goes, oh, I actually called into your podcast and I looked at her sister. Cause her sister is very. It's very obvious she has down syndrome, and she has this big personality. She's very funny and joyful and. And I said, I know exactly who you are. Yeah, you called me about your sister, and she's like, I can't believe you can remember that. I'm like, me fucking neither. I mean, all I hear about from my team of people that work with me. Well, from two specifically, their names are Karen and Molly. Oh, no. Actually, Karen knows that I have a memory like a steel trap, but there are certain things I remember and certain things I don't give a shit about, but I remember. And I was like. And so she took my advice to come in and live with her sister. And then I ran into her again this past weekend.

Katherine (5:43)

Oh, my gosh.

Chelsea Handler (5:43)

And I was having lunch in Squamish with one of my poopsies. And she said. She was like, oh, she's getting older, and she's got early stages of some, like, little dementia. And I said, oh, my God, I didn't realize. I said, how did. Like, are you happy that you made this decision? Like, are you happy that you took my advice? And she said, I'm now worried about her having dementia. Like, I want more time with her. I want more time with her. And she's, like, in her 40s, and she's like, I don't. I don't know if she's losing it or if she's not gonna remember any of this stuff. And it was, like, a brief interlude, but it was really just so. And her sister is this bright ray of sunshine. Of course, you know, anyone with down syndrome is so special. Like, they exude this just joyfulness. And I know it's a lot of work for the caretakers, but it must be so. And a man who works for me at my house, he has a son who has down syndrome. And I just found that out recently. And I was like, oh, my God, what a gift. You know, because they are. They're like, you know, of joyfulness.

Katherine (6:45)

Truly, we have in our family someone who's sort of an adopted, like, uncle figure, Michael. Sarah. And he's always been in our family. He comes to every, like, holiday. We always see him at church and he's like always so happy. He, like gets what he needs. If he needs a ride somewhere. He's like good at asking for what he needs. But he's like a greeter at church. He, like has jobs and he's always like a greeter or like doing something fun. He's just like a. They're all just like a ray of sunshine.

Chelsea Handler (7:10)

Yeah. That's a very special energy. Yeah. I really, really. Yeah. I love that.

Katherine (7:14)

Yeah. I'm so gl. You told me that.

Chelsea Handler (7:16)

I know. I forgot to tell you. I was just like, now I know them. Like I would see them out. I'm like, oh, hey, yeah.

Katherine (7:23)

Well, that's so good. That's so good.

Chelsea Handler (7:28)

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Chelsea Handler (9:01)

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Katherine (10:07)

Well, we have a much sillier question. Some couples counseling to do. So Janet and Bill are calling in. Janet says, dear Chelsea, my husband touches his penis all the time. When he watches tv, when he talks on the phone, when he drives. He denies that he does. However, I call him out on it all the time. I've nicknamed him Penis Fingers. He is a 55 year old professional and he does it subconsciously. I'm afraid he's doing it at work too. When meeting with colleagues and clients. Can we meet with you to discuss? Attached are two images of two different pairs of blue jeans paired. Please notice the location of the fade marks.

Chelsea Handler (10:46)

Thanks to Janet. Okay. Okay. This is. Thank you for these. This. Exhibit A and exhibit B. It's like we're at the People's Court, you guys.

Katherine (10:54)

Yes.

Chelsea Handler (10:55)

I love it. Okay. Hi, guys. Hi.

Bill (10:58)

Hello there.

Chelsea Handler (10:59)

Hi, penis toucher. Oh, my God. So wait, this is over the pants. Penis toucher.

Bill (11:05)

I have a defense ultimately, but we can get to that part of the case when you're ready.

Chelsea Handler (11:08)

Okay. No, no, I'm ready. I'm ready. We're ready. Estamos listos.

Bill (11:12)

Well, so the. Obviously you saw the evidence, the submission by my wife, and she's right. Absolutely right. In fact, I didn't really know what that little fade mark was. She always kind of led me to believe, because she's so sweet, that it was because of the force from the Girth.

Chelsea Handler (11:27)

The magnitude of your penis.

Bill (11:28)

Yeah.

Chelsea Handler (11:29)

The magnitude of your flaccid penis and your pants, you mean?

Bill (11:32)

Well, but, you know. But certainly, you know, it would sometimes get. You know. Anyway, so my point is there's a backstory that wasn't included in this, which was 10 years ago. I had.

Janet (11:42)

That has nothing to do with any of it. I've known this man for 25 years. We would be sitting at a restaurant. Specifically, I have a memory of sitting at a restaurant down in Venice beach. And his entire arm went down his pants to his elbow just to move everything around.

Chelsea Handler (12:02)

Yeah.

Janet (12:03)

He's a full adjuster all the time.

Bill (12:06)

That's true. True. What I hear is. I don't. There's a certain way that it sits. I'd like it to go to the right and not the left.

Katherine (12:12)

Sure.

Bill (12:13)

Just when it's sitting to the left, it just starts to really.

Janet (12:16)

It doesn't matter.

Katherine (12:17)

You're touching in front of people.

Bill (12:19)

Excuse me, you, Honor. Excuse me. She's.

Chelsea Handler (12:22)

First of all, she's absolutely right. No one wants to see that. No one. No one. You're putting your own personal needs above the entire universe. You think that you have. Like if I want to finger. Think about what you're saying. If I want to put my. If my. If I don't like the way my beaver. I could say the same thing. We have two sides to our vagina too. We have the right labia and we have the left labia. My jeans. If my jeans don't fall perfectly in the middle. I'm uncomfortable too, but I'm not adjusting my labia.

Bill (12:56)

My point is you can. I would not.

Chelsea Handler (12:59)

No, you would be fine with it. But that's not the point. Most people wouldn't. So we're not just pleasing like ourselves and one other person. When you're out. You're gonna get in trouble is what's gonna happen.

Bill (13:09)

You are.

Chelsea Handler (13:10)

Cuz someone's really not gonna like it and then going to be pissed. And you're. What if you're in a work setting, I'm sure you've done that subconsciously.

Janet (13:17)

Does not think that he does that. That was my concern. Is that he will be in his office here, talking on the phone, touching it, moving it around. And I said, well, Bill, when you're at your office, you do it subconsciously. You got to stop. You're making your clients and your colleagues feel uncomfortable.

Chelsea Handler (13:39)

Yeah. You have to retrain your brain, Bill. It's not gonna take long. And first of all, you have to stop being defensive about It. Cause you're wrong. Yeah, you're wrong. And she's right. Like, nobody. You can't put your hand down your pants. I thought you were doing it over your pants. And that's.

Bill (13:53)

I am doing it over my pants.

Janet (13:54)

I just did it right now.

Katherine (13:56)

Just did it right now.

Chelsea Handler (13:58)

She said we're gonna have to get you, like one of those little dog collars that zaps you every single time.

Katherine (14:04)

You touch with a remote.

Chelsea Handler (14:06)

Yeah. You're going to have to do something to retrain your brain because it's like a neural pathway thing. You've gotten so deep into it that you don't even know you're doing it. What kind of underwear are you wearing? Do you wear boxer shorts?

Bill (14:18)

I wear the brief boxer briefs.

Chelsea Handler (14:20)

Okay. Can you tape your penis to the side of it?

Bill (14:23)

You know, I was. You know, it's funny. I was thinking about this. I was thinking, I wonder if she's going to come up with a good solution. Because recently since this, I was thinking, is there a way for me to, like you said, tape it over or sew some sort of special pocket?

Chelsea Handler (14:34)

Yeah. I think what you need to do, and I'm not joking, I think you need to get, like an elastic band. Like, you take an elastic band from like a pair of sweatpants, put it around underneath your jeans. This is only a temporary. This is only gonna be temporary because once your brain starts to rewire itself, you're not gonna do this, but you need to get, like, an elastic band from a pair of sweatpants that's tight around it so that you. Not too tight, so that you're cutting off your penis circulation. Cause I know how important your penis is to you, and I'm sure. And how important it is to your wife. I mean, getting less and less important by the day. But you tape just elastic band your penis where you want it. So then even when you go to do it, you're going to go, oh, wait, it's already in the spot because you're doing it subconsciously at this point.

Bill (15:18)

So it's sort of a mnemonic device.

Chelsea Handler (15:19)

Yes, yes. Unless you want us to zap you. I mean, this is the first. This is going to be the first avenue that we explore.

Katherine (15:26)

Yeah.

Chelsea Handler (15:27)

Put an elastic band and you're not too tight. You don't want to hurt yourself, but just to put everything where you want it to be. Okay. And then when you go to adjust it after, like six, seven, five, eight times, you're going to realize you don't have to because it's Already there. So that's helping everyone. You're helping the world by helping yourself.

Katherine (15:45)

And I guarantee, like, with everything that's on the Internet right now, there are like, dress to the left, dress to the right, underwear. And I'm sure you can find that. Yeah, it really might be as simple as that or as like, changing the style of jeans you're wearing. So it's like going the right direction. But a couple of other things just to break yourself of the subconscious habit is, you know, some people swear by the. Like, on your wrist, you have like a rubber band rule where you just like snap it every time you catch yourself or are caught.

Chelsea Handler (16:12)

I don't trust Bill. I don't trust Bill to do that. I already don't trust Bill to do that. Listen, Bill, I don't wanna shame you because I also have a really bad habit of picking my nose when I'm alone. Like, I do it so subconsciously. Like, my sisters when I was growing up would be like, get your fucking finger out of your nose. And there's something about when I'm driving that I just want my finger in my. No. And so many people pointed out, like, are you picking your nose? And it's always in a car. And I finally. I really had to just really be as conscientious about it as possible. Like, nobody wants to see me picking my nose, even if I'm alone in my car. Like, then it's a personal decision. But doing it alone in my car perpetuates the motion, the subconscious behavior. So I've stopped doing that. Like, I pick my nose in a bathroom with a tissue now, like a real person, because it's disgusting. Because when I'm picking my nose in my car, where are the boogers going? Everyone knows where they're going. And that's not. You know what I mean? That's disgusting, too. So, like, if I'm on a plane, even if I think about picking my nose now, I get up, I go to the bathroom, and I pick my nose in privacy and with a tissue accomplishment, Chelsea. Yes, because it was pointed out to me. And I want to make. And as a per. Like a human member of society, I want to do my best. And Bill, I want you to do your best.

Katherine (17:30)

Yes.

Chelsea Handler (17:31)

Because this isn't it. This isn't it.

Bill (17:33)

No, exactly. People would say I'm not like a selfish person in that regard. I'm pretty nice person. But this is. You're right. I hadn't thought about it as a habit, like picking your nose in public. Because even if it's like your choice to do that, it's like you're still affecting others around you. And I, I hadn't thought of it from that perspective.

Chelsea Handler (17:48)

And your action is actually could be taken as like a sexual. You know what I mean?

Katherine (17:52)

Right. In a vertically.

Chelsea Handler (17:53)

Yeah. And you don't want that. You don't want any of that noise. Like if you do that in front.

Bill (17:56)

Of school zones or anything.

Chelsea Handler (17:58)

Well, what you don't know, you have that, don't you probably do.

Katherine (18:01)

You don't know you're doing it.

Chelsea Handler (18:02)

You don't even know you're doing it.

Janet (18:03)

I mentioned it to my 23 year old daughter yesterday. I'm like, hey, so I'm kind of embarrassed to tell you this because I'm sure you've never noticed, but Bill does this and she goes, oh, yeah, I notice it all the time. He adjusts it all the time. Which makes me think he is adjusting it between in front of her and all of her 23 year old friends.

Chelsea Handler (18:22)

Yeah, that's you, Bill. You probably are. So take a day. Take a day. You know what I mean? Feel your shame and then let's come out tomorrow like a new and improved Bill. This is, this is beneath you, Bill.

Katherine (18:35)

Now I want to echo something that you said too, Chelsea, because I found some like therapeutic steps to take, which is kind of exactly what you did with the nose picking. But it's a three step process called alert, avert and affirm. So you alert, you become alert to the behavior, you realize you're doing it, or beautiful wife tells you you're doing.

Chelsea Handler (18:53)

You'Re alerted, already done checked.

Katherine (18:55)

And then you redirect. Avert is redirect the behavior. So maybe you, you know, crack your knuckles, maybe like you do something else with your hands, that's like fine. And then also affirm yourself you're not a bad person for adjusting yourself. You just don't want to do it anymore. So alert, avert, affirm. Bill, I would like to thank you very much.

Chelsea Handler (19:14)

Yeah, I would like to thank you guys for this upbeat call because this is a pleasure of my morning. This is entertaining. And Bill, you're a brave man to come on this podcast and allow your wife to that. That means you are a good man and you want to do better.

Bill (19:30)

I do. If I had the supportive environment and some of these tools that you. With you two, instead of which her shame, I probably would make more.

Chelsea Handler (19:37)

Okay, well, now you have all three of us. So you're ready to go.

Katherine (19:40)

Yes, exactly. And for listeners out there, this is the kind of call we love to hear.

Chelsea Handler (19:44)

Yes, please. Yes. We like this kind of horseshit. Yes.

Katherine (19:46)

Yes.

Chelsea Handler (19:47)

Okay, so we want an update. Okay. Will you give us an update in a few weeks? Yeah. Let us know how things are going. You're gonna be happier, Bill. I promise.

Bill (19:54)

I'm gonna buy a new pair of jeans just for this occasion and then show you in, like, six months that it hasn't been worn down.

Chelsea Handler (20:00)

Perfect. Or buy a skort so that you can't even access it or that you don't wanna. Oh, no, then he'll go in underneath. Forget it. Never mind. Never mind. Forget that.

Bill (20:09)

I didn't know that was an option.

Chelsea Handler (20:11)

Delete. Delete.

Katherine (20:13)

All right, thanks, Janet. Thanks.

Chelsea Handler (20:15)

Bye, guys. Have a great day.

Katherine (20:17)

Bye.

Bill (20:17)

Bye.

Chelsea Handler (20:18)

Bye. Okay, my remaining dates for Vegas. Remaining dates for this year. Summertime is coming, and I will be in Vegas at the Cosmo doing my residency on July 5th will be the next date that I'm there. July 5th, August 30th. And then November 1st and 29th. November 1st and November 29th, I will be in Las Vegas at the Cosmo, performing inside myself at the Chelsea. Chelsea. It's called Chelsea at the Chelsea for a reason. Okay, thank you.

Katherine (20:53)

Do you want advice from Chelsea? Write in to dearchelsea podcastmail.com find full video episodes of Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching earchelseapod. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Kathryn Law. And be sure to check out our merch@chelsea handler.com.

Chelsea Handler (21:16)

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Chelsea Handler (24:08)

This is an I Heart podcast.