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Chelsea Handler
This is an I Heart podcast. Okay, let's talk about your liver. I know it's not the most glamorous organ, but it does a lot of heavy lifting, from digestion to detoxification, even keeping you energized after those weekend wine nights. We all love a good cocktail, but let's be real, our liver needs a little help. And that's where LiverMD comes in. It is formulated by one MD Nutrition's team of of scientists and doctors, backed by clinical research and trusted by over 3.5 million people. 80% of LiverMD users saw improvements in their liver test results, plus more energy, less bloating and better digestion. Visit OneMD.org and use code Chelsea to save 15% on your first order. All right, listen up people. It is Chelsea Handler and we need to talk about something really important. Orgasms. You heard me right. Orgasms. If you're not making them a priority, pinkcherry.com is there to fix that. Orgasms can boost your mood, lower stress, and even help you sleep better. That's probably why people do it right before they go to bed. And let's face it, with stress levels rising faster than anything else these days, we could all use a little release, if you know what I mean. So if you care about your sexual health and seriously, who doesn't, head over to pinkcherry.com you. They've got everything you could ever imagine to help you get there. From the iconic magic wand to WE Vibe's collection of couples toys to the game changing womanizer, Pink Cherry has a curated collection of hundreds of the best brands to make sure you're having the best time of your life. Whether you're flying solo or inviting someone else to the party. Make your sexual health a priority. Head to pinkcherry.com and save up to 80% off. 6 Sitewide pleasure is just a click away. Pinkcherry.com if you know you owe Unlike.
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Chelsea Handler
Love A good deal. How about a great smelling one? Pura is giving you a free Pura plus smart home diffuser when you subscribe to $0.02. That's right. Your home gets smarter and smells amazing. Choose from over 200 scents from your favorite brands and customize every room with the touch of a button. With. But hurry, this offer won't last. Pura Life is better when it smells good. Snag your free diffuser@pura.com welcome to couples Counseling with Chelsea Handjob where we do couples counseling on all sorts of variations of friends, lovers, families. Welcome to my office. Hi, Katherine.
Katherine
Hello, Chelsea.
Chelsea Handler
Welcome to Mini Nugget Nugget episodes.
Katherine
Yes, we're doing a little couples counseling today. Oh, great.
Chelsea Handler
I love it. Let's go.
Katherine
We have actually a little update from Heather who we. I don't think we talked to her. I think this was just an email, but it was from the Celeste Barber episode. She had found out her husband was cheating with a sex worker. He was the one that tried to blame the kids for the missing makeup sort of thing. And she was sort of like, what do I tell clients and other people who are like, why are you getting divorced? You know, she wanted to tell them why. So she says, hello, I'm writing to give you an update. I just heard this email read on the Celeste Barber episode on the one year anniversary of the prostitute visit. The advice, as always, is spot on. I've begun a whole new chapter and I've been brutally honest with some people and some people still don't know. But regardless, it's my story to tell on my own terms. I can't believe I listened to this on the anniversary of it all. The universe is amazing. Thank you for all the good vibes you keep putting out there and for encouraging the rest of us to do the same. It certainly works.
Chelsea Handler
Heather, that's sweet. You know what? I forgot to tell you. Did I tell you this?
Katherine
I don't know.
Chelsea Handler
Okay, so remember there was an episode of this woman who called in, this was a couple of years ago, and she had a sister who had down syndrome and her mother had died, their parents died, I think, or something.
Katherine
Yes, I remember that.
Chelsea Handler
And she was deliberating what to do about her sister, if she should have her sister move in with her or if she should put her sister in a facility that could take care of her.
Katherine
And she was kind of trying to start dating sort of thing.
Chelsea Handler
How am I gonna meet a man if I have my sister to take care of? So I bumped into this woman In Squamish, Vancouver, like. Or British Columbia, I should say. It's on the way to Whistler. I bumped into this woman with her sister.
Katherine
Oh, my gosh.
Chelsea Handler
And she. I've bumped into her now twice. So the first time I bumped into her, I was like. She goes, oh, I actually called into your podcast and I looked at her sister. Cause her sister is very. It's very obvious she has down syndrome, and she has this big personality. She's very funny and joyful and. And I said, I know exactly who you are. Yeah, you called me about your sister, and she's like, I can't believe you can remember that. I'm like, me fucking neither. I mean, all I hear about from my team of people that work with me. Well, from two specifically, their names are Karen and Molly. Oh, no. Actually, Karen knows that I have a memory like a steel trap, but there are certain things I remember and certain things I don't give a shit about, but I remember. And I was like. And so she took my advice to come in and live with her sister. And then I ran into her again this past weekend.
Katherine
Oh, my gosh.
Chelsea Handler
And I was having lunch in Squamish with one of my poopsies. And she said. She was like, oh, she's getting older, and she's got early stages of some, like, little dementia. And I said, oh, my God, I didn't realize. I said, how did. Like, are you happy that you made this decision? Like, are you happy that you took my advice? And she said, I'm now worried about her having dementia. Like, I want more time with her. I want more time with her. And she's, like, in her 40s, and she's like, I don't. I don't know if she's losing it or if she's not gonna remember any of this stuff. And it was, like, a brief interlude, but it was really just so. And her sister is this bright ray of sunshine. Of course, you know, anyone with down syndrome is so special. Like, they exude this just joyfulness. And I know it's a lot of work for the caretakers, but it must be so. And a man who works for me at my house, he has a son who has down syndrome. And I just found that out recently. And I was like, oh, my God, what a gift. You know, because they are. They're like, you know, of joyfulness.
Katherine
Truly, we have in our family someone who's sort of an adopted, like, uncle figure, Michael. Sarah. And he's always been in our family. He comes to every, like, holiday. We always see him at church and he's like always so happy. He, like gets what he needs. If he needs a ride somewhere. He's like good at asking for what he needs. But he's like a greeter at church. He, like has jobs and he's always like a greeter or like doing something fun. He's just like a. They're all just like a ray of sunshine.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah. That's a very special energy. Yeah. I really, really. Yeah. I love that.
Katherine
Yeah. I'm so gl. You told me that.
Chelsea Handler
I know. I forgot to tell you. I was just like, now I know them. Like I would see them out. I'm like, oh, hey, yeah.
Katherine
Well, that's so good. That's so good.
Chelsea Handler
All right, listen up people. It's Chelsea Handler and we need to talk about something really important. And they're called orgasms. If you're not making them a priority, PinkCherry.com is here to fix that. Orgasms boost your mood, lower stress and help you sleep. And let's be honest, we could all use a little release these days. From the iconic magic wand to we vibes, couples, toys to the game changing Womanizer, pinkcherry.com has everything you need. Solo or with someone, feeling good is the goal. So go to pinkcherry.com and save up to 80% off site wide. You deserve it if you know you owe love a good deal. How about a great smelling one? Pura is giving you a free Pura plus smart home diffuser when you subscribe to 2 cents. That's right, your home gets smarter and smells amazing. Choose from over 200 cents from your favorite brands and customize every room with the touch of a button. But hurry, this offer won't last. Pura Life is better when it smells good. Snag your free diffuser@pura.com unlike what you're.
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Chelsea Handler
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Katherine
Well, we have a much sillier question. Some couples counseling to do. So Janet and Bill are calling in. Janet says, dear Chelsea, my husband touches his penis all the time. When he watches tv, when he talks on the phone, when he drives. He denies that he does. However, I call him out on it all the time. I've nicknamed him Penis Fingers. He is a 55 year old professional and he does it subconsciously. I'm afraid he's doing it at work too. When meeting with colleagues and clients. Can we meet with you to discuss? Attached are two images of two different pairs of blue jeans paired. Please notice the location of the fade marks.
Chelsea Handler
Thanks to Janet. Okay. Okay. This is. Thank you for these. This. Exhibit A and exhibit B. It's like we're at the People's Court, you guys.
Katherine
Yes.
Chelsea Handler
I love it. Okay. Hi, guys. Hi.
Bill
Hello there.
Chelsea Handler
Hi, penis toucher. Oh, my God. So wait, this is over the pants. Penis toucher.
Bill
I have a defense ultimately, but we can get to that part of the case when you're ready.
Chelsea Handler
Okay. No, no, I'm ready. I'm ready. We're ready. Estamos listos.
Bill
Well, so the. Obviously you saw the evidence, the submission by my wife, and she's right. Absolutely right. In fact, I didn't really know what that little fade mark was. She always kind of led me to believe, because she's so sweet, that it was because of the force from the Girth.
Chelsea Handler
The magnitude of your penis.
Bill
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
The magnitude of your flaccid penis and your pants, you mean?
Bill
Well, but, you know. But certainly, you know, it would sometimes get. You know. Anyway, so my point is there's a backstory that wasn't included in this, which was 10 years ago. I had.
Janet
That has nothing to do with any of it. I've known this man for 25 years. We would be sitting at a restaurant. Specifically, I have a memory of sitting at a restaurant down in Venice beach. And his entire arm went down his pants to his elbow just to move everything around.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah.
Janet
He's a full adjuster all the time.
Bill
That's true. True. What I hear is. I don't. There's a certain way that it sits. I'd like it to go to the right and not the left.
Katherine
Sure.
Bill
Just when it's sitting to the left, it just starts to really.
Janet
It doesn't matter.
Katherine
You're touching in front of people.
Bill
Excuse me, you, Honor. Excuse me. She's.
Chelsea Handler
First of all, she's absolutely right. No one wants to see that. No one. No one. You're putting your own personal needs above the entire universe. You think that you have. Like if I want to finger. Think about what you're saying. If I want to put my. If my. If I don't like the way my beaver. I could say the same thing. We have two sides to our vagina too. We have the right labia and we have the left labia. My jeans. If my jeans don't fall perfectly in the middle. I'm uncomfortable too, but I'm not adjusting my labia.
Bill
My point is you can. I would not.
Chelsea Handler
No, you would be fine with it. But that's not the point. Most people wouldn't. So we're not just pleasing like ourselves and one other person. When you're out. You're gonna get in trouble is what's gonna happen.
Bill
You are.
Chelsea Handler
Cuz someone's really not gonna like it and then going to be pissed. And you're. What if you're in a work setting, I'm sure you've done that subconsciously.
Janet
Does not think that he does that. That was my concern. Is that he will be in his office here, talking on the phone, touching it, moving it around. And I said, well, Bill, when you're at your office, you do it subconsciously. You got to stop. You're making your clients and your colleagues feel uncomfortable.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah. You have to retrain your brain, Bill. It's not gonna take long. And first of all, you have to stop being defensive about It. Cause you're wrong. Yeah, you're wrong. And she's right. Like, nobody. You can't put your hand down your pants. I thought you were doing it over your pants. And that's.
Bill
I am doing it over my pants.
Janet
I just did it right now.
Katherine
Just did it right now.
Chelsea Handler
She said we're gonna have to get you, like one of those little dog collars that zaps you every single time.
Katherine
You touch with a remote.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah. You're going to have to do something to retrain your brain because it's like a neural pathway thing. You've gotten so deep into it that you don't even know you're doing it. What kind of underwear are you wearing? Do you wear boxer shorts?
Bill
I wear the brief boxer briefs.
Chelsea Handler
Okay. Can you tape your penis to the side of it?
Bill
You know, I was. You know, it's funny. I was thinking about this. I was thinking, I wonder if she's going to come up with a good solution. Because recently since this, I was thinking, is there a way for me to, like you said, tape it over or sew some sort of special pocket?
Chelsea Handler
Yeah. I think what you need to do, and I'm not joking, I think you need to get, like an elastic band. Like, you take an elastic band from like a pair of sweatpants, put it around underneath your jeans. This is only a temporary. This is only gonna be temporary because once your brain starts to rewire itself, you're not gonna do this, but you need to get, like, an elastic band from a pair of sweatpants that's tight around it so that you. Not too tight, so that you're cutting off your penis circulation. Cause I know how important your penis is to you, and I'm sure. And how important it is to your wife. I mean, getting less and less important by the day. But you tape just elastic band your penis where you want it. So then even when you go to do it, you're going to go, oh, wait, it's already in the spot because you're doing it subconsciously at this point.
Bill
So it's sort of a mnemonic device.
Chelsea Handler
Yes, yes. Unless you want us to zap you. I mean, this is the first. This is going to be the first avenue that we explore.
Katherine
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
Put an elastic band and you're not too tight. You don't want to hurt yourself, but just to put everything where you want it to be. Okay. And then when you go to adjust it after, like six, seven, five, eight times, you're going to realize you don't have to because it's Already there. So that's helping everyone. You're helping the world by helping yourself.
Katherine
And I guarantee, like, with everything that's on the Internet right now, there are like, dress to the left, dress to the right, underwear. And I'm sure you can find that. Yeah, it really might be as simple as that or as like, changing the style of jeans you're wearing. So it's like going the right direction. But a couple of other things just to break yourself of the subconscious habit is, you know, some people swear by the. Like, on your wrist, you have like a rubber band rule where you just like snap it every time you catch yourself or are caught.
Chelsea Handler
I don't trust Bill. I don't trust Bill to do that. I already don't trust Bill to do that. Listen, Bill, I don't wanna shame you because I also have a really bad habit of picking my nose when I'm alone. Like, I do it so subconsciously. Like, my sisters when I was growing up would be like, get your fucking finger out of your nose. And there's something about when I'm driving that I just want my finger in my. No. And so many people pointed out, like, are you picking your nose? And it's always in a car. And I finally. I really had to just really be as conscientious about it as possible. Like, nobody wants to see me picking my nose, even if I'm alone in my car. Like, then it's a personal decision. But doing it alone in my car perpetuates the motion, the subconscious behavior. So I've stopped doing that. Like, I pick my nose in a bathroom with a tissue now, like a real person, because it's disgusting. Because when I'm picking my nose in my car, where are the boogers going? Everyone knows where they're going. And that's not. You know what I mean? That's disgusting, too. So, like, if I'm on a plane, even if I think about picking my nose now, I get up, I go to the bathroom, and I pick my nose in privacy and with a tissue accomplishment, Chelsea. Yes, because it was pointed out to me. And I want to make. And as a per. Like a human member of society, I want to do my best. And Bill, I want you to do your best.
Katherine
Yes.
Chelsea Handler
Because this isn't it. This isn't it.
Bill
No, exactly. People would say I'm not like a selfish person in that regard. I'm pretty nice person. But this is. You're right. I hadn't thought about it as a habit, like picking your nose in public. Because even if it's like your choice to do that, it's like you're still affecting others around you. And I, I hadn't thought of it from that perspective.
Chelsea Handler
And your action is actually could be taken as like a sexual. You know what I mean?
Katherine
Right. In a vertically.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah. And you don't want that. You don't want any of that noise. Like if you do that in front.
Bill
Of school zones or anything.
Chelsea Handler
Well, what you don't know, you have that, don't you probably do.
Katherine
You don't know you're doing it.
Chelsea Handler
You don't even know you're doing it.
Janet
I mentioned it to my 23 year old daughter yesterday. I'm like, hey, so I'm kind of embarrassed to tell you this because I'm sure you've never noticed, but Bill does this and she goes, oh, yeah, I notice it all the time. He adjusts it all the time. Which makes me think he is adjusting it between in front of her and all of her 23 year old friends.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, that's you, Bill. You probably are. So take a day. Take a day. You know what I mean? Feel your shame and then let's come out tomorrow like a new and improved Bill. This is, this is beneath you, Bill.
Katherine
Now I want to echo something that you said too, Chelsea, because I found some like therapeutic steps to take, which is kind of exactly what you did with the nose picking. But it's a three step process called alert, avert and affirm. So you alert, you become alert to the behavior, you realize you're doing it, or beautiful wife tells you you're doing.
Chelsea Handler
You'Re alerted, already done checked.
Katherine
And then you redirect. Avert is redirect the behavior. So maybe you, you know, crack your knuckles, maybe like you do something else with your hands, that's like fine. And then also affirm yourself you're not a bad person for adjusting yourself. You just don't want to do it anymore. So alert, avert, affirm. Bill, I would like to thank you very much.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, I would like to thank you guys for this upbeat call because this is a pleasure of my morning. This is entertaining. And Bill, you're a brave man to come on this podcast and allow your wife to that. That means you are a good man and you want to do better.
Bill
I do. If I had the supportive environment and some of these tools that you. With you two, instead of which her shame, I probably would make more.
Chelsea Handler
Okay, well, now you have all three of us. So you're ready to go.
Katherine
Yes, exactly. And for listeners out there, this is the kind of call we love to hear.
Chelsea Handler
Yes, please. Yes. We like this kind of horseshit. Yes.
Katherine
Yes.
Chelsea Handler
Okay, so we want an update. Okay. Will you give us an update in a few weeks? Yeah. Let us know how things are going. You're gonna be happier, Bill. I promise.
Bill
I'm gonna buy a new pair of jeans just for this occasion and then show you in, like, six months that it hasn't been worn down.
Chelsea Handler
Perfect. Or buy a skort so that you can't even access it or that you don't wanna. Oh, no, then he'll go in underneath. Forget it. Never mind. Never mind. Forget that.
Bill
I didn't know that was an option.
Chelsea Handler
Delete. Delete.
Katherine
All right, thanks, Janet. Thanks.
Chelsea Handler
Bye, guys. Have a great day.
Katherine
Bye.
Bill
Bye.
Chelsea Handler
Bye. Okay, my remaining dates for Vegas. Remaining dates for this year. Summertime is coming, and I will be in Vegas at the Cosmo doing my residency on July 5th will be the next date that I'm there. July 5th, August 30th. And then November 1st and 29th. November 1st and November 29th, I will be in Las Vegas at the Cosmo, performing inside myself at the Chelsea. Chelsea. It's called Chelsea at the Chelsea for a reason. Okay, thank you.
Katherine
Do you want advice from Chelsea? Write in to dearchelsea podcastmail.com find full video episodes of Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching earchelseapod. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Kathryn Law. And be sure to check out our merch@chelsea handler.com.
Chelsea Handler
Okay, let's talk about your liver. I know it's not the most glamorous organ, but it does a lot of heavy lifting, from digestion to detoxification, even keeping you energized after those weekend wine nights. We all love a good cocktail, but let's be real. Our liver needs a little help. And that's where LiverMD comes in. It is formulated by one MD Nutrition's team of scientists and doctors, backed by kids clinical research and trusted by over 3.5 million people. 80% of LiverMD users saw improvements in their liver test results, plus more energy, less bloating, and better digestion. Visit onemd.org and use code Chelsea to save 15% on your first order. All right, listen up, people. It's Chelsea Handler, and we need to talk about something really important. And they're called orgasms. If you're not making them a priority, PinkCherry.com is here to fix that. Orgasms boost your mood, lower stress, and help you sleep. And let's be honest, we could all use a little release these days. From the iconic magic Wand to we vibes couples toys to the game changing Womanizer, pinkcherry.com has everything you need. Solo or with someone. Feeling good is the goal. So go to pinkcherry.com and save up to 80% off site wide. You deserve it if you know you owe Love starts with you. So celebrate your personal style with new Pandora pieces that set a shining example for the world to see. Celebrate your unique story with Pandora jewelry. Crafted with meaning, love and exquisite artistry. From sparkling lab grown diamonds to vibrant enamels, personalized engravings and iconic charms, Pandora offers endless ways to express what's in your heart. Style your favorites with hand finished designs and playful cuts that reflect your individuality. Each Pandora piece is your blank canvas. At the heart of every piece of Pandora jewelry is love. Captured in the beauty of exquisite craftsmanship, artfully hand painted enamel and beautiful hand finished designs. Treat yourself to a Pandora gift that shines from within. Because true love starts with you. Pandora is more than jewelry. It's a celebration of you. Shop Pandora today in store or online@pandora.net every day is a chance to be love. Let Pandora jewelry remind you that love starts with you.
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Chelsea Handler
This is an I Heart podcast.
Dear Chelsea Minisode: Over-the-Pants with Chelsea + Catherine (May 30, 2025)
In this engaging minisode of "Dear Chelsea", Chelsea Handler, alongside co-host Catherine Law, delves into heartfelt and humorous couples counseling sessions, addressing real-life relationship challenges submitted by listeners. The episode masterfully balances comedy with sincere advice, offering listeners both entertainment and valuable insights.
The episode kicks off with Catherine sharing an update from Heather, a listener who previously sought advice regarding her husband's infidelity. Heather recounts discovering her husband's affair with a sex worker and the subsequent impact on her family life.
"I've begun a whole new chapter and I've been brutally honest with some people and some people still don't know. But regardless, it's my story to tell on my own terms." ([03:45])
Chelsea commends Heather's courage in facing her situation head-on and appreciates the alignment of her journey with the podcast's supportive ethos.
Chelsea shifts the conversation to highlight the joy and positivity brought by individuals with Down syndrome, sharing personal anecdotes that underscore their invaluable presence in families and communities.
"I've bumped into her twice now, and she was like, 'I can't believe you can remember that.' I'm like, me neither." ([04:27])
She emphasizes the unique energy and happiness these individuals bring, acknowledging the challenges caretakers face while celebrating the profound impact of their loved ones.
"He's always so happy. He's always so happy. They’re all just like a ray of sunshine." ([06:45])
This segment serves as a heartfelt homage to the unwavering positivity and strength of families supporting members with Down syndrome.
The core of the episode revolves around Janet and Bill's call-in, presenting a quirky yet serious issue: Bill's subconscious habit of touching his penis over his pants—a behavior that Janet has aptly nicknamed "Penis Fingers."
"He's a 55-year-old professional, and he does it subconsciously. I'm afraid he's doing it at work too." ([10:27])
Chelsea and Catherine dive into the counseling session, dissecting the nuances of Bill's behavior and its implications on both personal and professional fronts.
"Nobody wants to see that. You're putting your own personal needs above the entire universe." ([12:56])
They collaboratively explore practical solutions to mitigate the habit:
Physical Barriers:
"Put an elastic band around it so that when you go to do it, you're going to go, 'Oh, wait, it's already in the spot.'" ([14:18])
Behavioral Techniques:
"Alert, avert, and affirm. So you alert, you become alert to the behavior, you realize you're doing it, or beautiful wife tells you you're doing it, and then you redirect." ([16:12])
Self-Awareness:
"I have a really bad habit of picking my nose when I'm alone. So, I've stopped doing that and now do it with a tissue in private." ([16:34])
Bill acknowledges the impact of his actions, expressing a desire to improve:
"I'm a pretty nice person, but this is beneath me, Bill. You're going to be happier." ([17:30])
The session concludes on a positive note, with Chelsea and Catherine encouraging Bill to implement the discussed strategies and inviting him to provide updates on his progress.
"You're ready to go. Take a day, feel your shame, and come out tomorrow like a new and improved Bill." ([19:10])
This segment adeptly combines humor with meaningful advice, making listeners both laugh and reflect on their own habits and relationships.
As the main content wraps up, Chelsea shares her upcoming performance dates in Las Vegas, inviting fans to join her residency shows.
"Summertime is coming, and I will be in Vegas at the Cosmo doing my residency on July 5th... performing inside myself at the Chelsea." ([20:17])
She also reminds listeners to engage with the podcast by submitting their questions and checking out full episodes on YouTube.
"Do you want advice from Chelsea? Write in to dearchelsea@podcastmail.com." ([20:53])
Notable Quotes:
"Anyone with Down syndrome is so special. They exude this just joyfulness." – Chelsea Handler ([06:45])
"This is entertaining. And Bill, you're a brave man to come on this podcast and allow your wife to do that." – Chelsea Handler ([19:14])
"Alert, avert, and affirm. You alert, avert, and affirm yourself you're not a bad person for adjusting yourself." – Katherine ([18:35])
Conclusion
This minisode of "Dear Chelsea" encapsulates the podcast's essence—blending humor with heartfelt advice. From celebrating the joyful spirit of individuals with Down syndrome to offering practical solutions for quirky relationship issues, Chelsea and Catherine provide a supportive and entertaining space for listeners navigating their personal lives.
For those seeking advice or wanting to share their stories, "Dear Chelsea" remains a beacon of honesty, laughter, and inspiration.