← Decoded | Unlock The Secrets of Human Behavior, Emotion and Motivation
Decoded | Unlock The Secrets of Human Behavior, Emotion and Motivation
Jealousy, Scarcity, and Toxic Relationships Explained
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If you are somebody who cycles on jealousy, you are the person suffering the most. And there's literally no amount of success or beauty or followers that you can gain that will solve this problem. If you don't rewire the core issue itself, there's no external metric that is going to solve this problem. Your brain is wired for deception. But here's the truth. Patterns can be broken, the code can be rewritten. Once you hear the truth, you can't go back. So the only question is, are you ready to listen? Jealousy is one of the most socially normalized forms of self destruction. People romanticize about it, they joke about it, and frankly, they build entire identities around it. But jealousy is rarely about the other person. It's about what your nervous system believes their existence means about you. And if you don't understand that distinction, jealousy quietly turns into resentment, obsession, control, gossip, passive aggressive behavior, self sabotage, emotional fixation, relationship toxicity, and chronic dissatisfaction. If you experience jealousy as one of your core emotions, you won't like your life. You won't ever feel happy on the inside. You may project something else to the external world, but on the inside, you won't like the life that you have. That is arguably what leads us into this experience and trap of jealousy. Jealousy eats people alive from the inside out. Because the brain turns someone else's existence into some sort of evidence of personal lack. That is the real issue. Jealousy is an emotional response generated when the brain perceives scarcity, the threat of loss, some sort of comparison based inadequacy and displacement in value, love, status, safety, definitely attention, but also just significance. At its core, jealousy says, if they have it, there's not enough left for me. Or their success exposes something painful about me. In this way, their brain is interpreting another person's beauty, their financial success, their relationship, the opportunities that they have access to, maybe even their confidence, or the sort of recognition they get from the outside world. And to be honest with you, even somebody who's happy may even become the target of jealousy. And it's not because this person is actually a viable personal threat. It's because your nervous system has already associated worth with comparison. That's why jealousy is never solved. Externally. You can remove the trigger temporarily, but the emotional addiction cycle remains intact. Another trigger will always appear. Jealousy usually begins in environments where attention felt inconsistent. Maybe love felt conditional, comparison was frequent. Emotional safety felt unstable. Validation might have felt earned instead of just inherent. Siblings might have been competing for attention. Approval may have been performance based. Emotional needs perhaps were overlooked. And attention in some form or another Felt scarce. The child starts to form subconscious equations like what we talk about in break method with ACB pathways. Perhaps the assumption could be there's not enough love, safety, attention or value to go around. Conclusion if somebody else gets it, I don't. The behavior could be comparison. Insecurity, possessiveness, resentment, withdrawal, competition, sabotage. And in these moments, the child is no longer perceiving reality clearly or objectively. They're filtering through a lens of scarcity. Early signs often get dismissed as perfectly normal sibling behavior. But if you leave them as repeated unchecked behaviors, these turn into deeply entrenched adult patterns. Childhood signs that are worth watching out for would be extreme comparison with siblings or peers. Meltdowns. If somebody else perceives praise and a good way to look at this one. And this is something that we start to justify socially as totally acceptable based on their age. I have Irish twins, as you know, if you follow the show. My youngest, river is four, Harley is five. When one of them gets a a present, the other one naturally, if not corrected, will melt down. Where's my present? What about me? When's my birthday? You have to be able to correct these with intention, right? You don't just want to shut them down and shame them. You want to help them understand that attention on one child does not mean that the other child is not loved. There isn't scarcity to go around. But today we should all be celebrating XYZ person. And with that just in general difficulty celebrating others. There have been plenty of people in my life where when things go really well for me, they actually maybe it's subconscious. Often I think it's somewhat conscious. They start to become an intentional thorn in my side. They can't be happy for me. They start to pick fights with me. So instead of just kind of riding the wave, it starts to bring up some sort of internal conflict inside of themselves. So another way to look at this would be this is pretty common. I've even seen people ruin celebrations or birthday parties or a party that is supposed to be celebrating somebody else. Somebody who has one of these deeply entrenched patterns, they may not be doing it consciously, but subconsciously. They could unravel the whole party to draw attention back to themselves. There are certainly some overlap here with the cluster B personality disorders like historic disorder etc, where this is very common. Covert narcissism, etc, possessiveness over friendships, very common. Definitely worth correcting. Hyper fixation on fairness. There is a very specific set of brain patterns that do hyper fixate on fairness. And one of the things that's important for us to remember is that our world is not fair. So trying to get your kid to orient safety to equal fairness is a setup from the outset. You need to teach your kids that things are not always fair. And if you think about where we've gone in the last 10 years, nine years, there's been a shift toward thinking, well, this sort of everybody is a winner narrative actually benefits us. It actually does not. It does the opposite. When somebody fixates on fairness and things needing to be equal. We live in a world that is not necessarily fair. Life isn't fair. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. It's far better for you and your development to learn how to lose gracefully and to take radical personal responsibility and ownership rather than develop a psychological mechanism like blame shifting, projection, deflection, splitting, which often happens from the root of jealousy. Constant scorekeeping is another one, right? And constant scorekeeping may be something that is eventually seguing somebody into that splitting mechanism. Feeling Chronically Left Out I can't tell you how many adults feel chronically left out, but once they start to do break, they realize that they actually push people's buttons and cause them to be left out. If they were to engage differently, they would be included, but their behavior is partially what gets them kicked out or maybe perceived as too emotionally volatile to bring into the group. And these are very common things that happen as a child. And as you've heard me say dozens of times on this show, what you don't correct in childhood persists, and it often augments emotional escalation when attention shifts that needs to be corrected. Passive aggressive comments, secret competitiveness, even competitiveness that's not rooted in actual motivation and commitment, withdrawal after others succeed, and also wanting others to fail. If you have an inkling that this is happening with one of your children in a pack of siblings, you must correct this. Some children become overly competitive, others internalize it, and some become quietly resentful. But ultimately they all stem from the same root, which is perceived lack. Jealousy is deeply tied to scarcity psychology. The nervous system believes that love is limited, that opportunities are limited, attention is limited, success is limited, worth is ranked, and that safety is competitive. This creates a subconscious comparison scan. The brain starts constantly asking who has more than me? Who is ahead, who's prettier, who's wanted more than me? Who's more successful? What does their success mean about me? Well, plot twist, Nothing. And it is this childhood self centeredness that doesn't get corrected that allows for this loop to persist into adulthood. The person becomes addicted to comparison, because comparison temporarily validates the their emotional addiction cycle. If they win, they feel temporary relief. If they lose, it reinforces their painful narrative about being the victim. Either way, the cycle perpetuates. That's why jealousy is exhausting. The nervous system never actually comes into a place of rest. This happened a few weeks ago when Sarai had her 16th birthday. And when I was watching it unfold, I marked it in my mind. This is a great example to share with all of you, because it happens. And if you help a child learn how to map it correctly, it doesn't become a loop that persists. They get a chance to get out of it. So Sarai had her 16th birthday, and she wanted all of us to get dressed up to go out together. Everyone gathered around this office. Everyone was putting their makeup on and their clothes on. Everyone was done up and confident and glowing. And at one point, watching everybody get ready, Sarai got really emotional. And she started saying, I'm ugly. You guys are so much prettier than me. I look like a monster. And I remember immediately sitting her down with all of our friends around us. And I told her, sarai, this is one of the most important lessons that I will ever teach you. Being surrounded by powerful, beautiful women only amplifies your beauty. It does not diminish it. And you could see that comparison spiral happening in real time. The moment that the brain starts scanning for who's prettier, thinner, getting more attention, has better skin, looks hotter in their dress, feels more confident. Your nervous system turns proximity to beauty as evidence of. Of personal inadequacy. Being around them makes me feel worse than I actually am. But that is actually the lie. Comparison distorts your perception. I told her very clearly, when you see beauty, intelligence, confidence, power, and success in the people around you, choose to stand with it, alongside it, because it does amplify you. And if you choose to do it, and you do it with strategy, you will break the stronghold of jealousy. And your prayer every day should be that it reflects your beauty and power too. Because we all have something beautiful inside of us. But if we are operating from that comparison and scarcity, even the most beautiful girls can start to appear ugly. They really can. It's. It is absolutely the truth that many of the most beautiful women, just, if you were to just grade on an actual scale of just pure, raw, physical beauty, are some of the most unhappy people I have ever met in my life. And they are completely lacking confidence. Why? Likely because they have this underlying pattern, and maybe part of the reason They've elevated their beauty or try to be perfect all the time is because they're comparing to other people. And I don't care how physically beautiful you are. I work with many male clients. Internal beauty and confidence wins every time. You could take the most beautiful girl in the whole world and if she is jealous and keeping score and catty toward other people, that guy will not find her attractive. Maybe it will be a short term fling, but that is not the woman that you spend the rest of your life with. That's not the woman that you marry. When you experience jealousy, you believe that somebody else shining takes something away from you. Wisdom understands that being surrounded by powerful people elevates everybody that is willing to actually grow together instead of compete against each other. If you have a child who you suspect is exhibiting some of these behaviors, there are some simplified ways that you can step in there and try to offer some healthy correction. One is not to shame the jealousy. You want to help them understand why it's happening and understand the truth rather than the distortion. So you also don't want to just pretend like it doesn't exist. The thing that I see often happen is that the parent accidentally overvalidates their victimhood where you get more into their feelings with them instead of helping them understand where their starting point was already not operating from truth. You also don't want to rescue them emotionally or try to convince them of a truth that's not real. I'll give you this example and I realize what I'm about to say may sound a little bit harsh, but it's just what came to me and I think it's a great example. One of the things that I know, I've asked Zeb this before. You know, like something to the effect of, you know, what are some of your favorite qualities about me as your mom? And same with Sarai. They know I would never lie to them. So I'm not going to blow smoke just to make them feel better. I will be nurturing, loving, supportive. I will be there for them. I'll be there for them consistently. But I'm not going to try to get into their distortion with them. And ultimately that should build an augment trust, not the other way around. Even if the information that you're sharing may be hard to hear, Guess what? Life's not fair. Guess what? Life. Learning how to face the truth is probably the most beneficial thing you can do for your child as they become an adult. So let's say that you have a teenager that has really pronounced cystic Acne on their face. Okay? And they are down in the dumps. They don't feel like they look beautiful. They're like all these other girls are so pretty. Trying to convince them that you look like just all the other girls. What are you talking about? Your skin's beautiful. They can see in the mirror. They now are actually going to lose trust in you because they realize that you are trying to rescue them emotionally and you're actually jumping into their distortion with them. A more honest way of dealing with this would be Honey, I know that struggling with acne right now is really hard and I can't imagine how that would feel. What? Here are some examples of things that I think we can do so that we can start to work on your acne. You are a beautiful person and focus on the things that are true. Don't try to suddenly convince your child that your skin looks exactly like everybody else's skin because then you're just lying. But focus on solutions. Don't lie. Focus on solutions. Your brain isn't broken, it's running. An old code break method is a system that maps your neurological patterns, decodes your emotional distortions and rewires your behavior fast. No talk therapy spiral, no getting stuck in your feelings, just logic based rewiring. In 20 weeks or less. Head to breakmethod.com and see what your brain is really up to. Ultimately, our job as parents is to help emotionally regulate, to build internal security and to understand that scarcity is not true. There's actually so much to go around and our nervous system's inability to self regulate is often what is focusing or fixating on that perceived scarcity. We want to as parents also make sure that we are avoiding constant comparison. This was something that I saw my dad do all the time and it drove me nuts because even as a child I was like, well, you are teaching my sister to hate me. Luckily, my sister and I are best friends now, but it took a really long time to get here because I think we're like really just now best friends. And I'm 41. My dad would shame something in my sister and then immediately say something like, well, why can't you be XYZ like your sister? That is one of the worst things you could do. I've also seen this in a lot of family dynamics where one kid will be like, you're the smart one and you're the pretty one. It's like, well, but what if the pretty one is also smart? Are you basically just saying like, oh, don't worry it's okay that you're not smart, you're pretty. These are the types of things that actually pit people against each other. We also want to make sure that you are nurturing your child's individuality. When you're trying to get your kids to homogenize and just kind of all be the same, they're going to potentially act out in rebellious and non healthy ways as a way to get attention. So it's better to help nurture their true individuality so that they can figure out who they are and what they like and learn how to respectfully push back and all those things. Because when you do that, the idea that I have to be compared to somebody else and that there's not enough love to go around dissipates very quickly. We want to reinforce contribution over competition. But having said that, they're also. From a parenting perspective, it's really important to teach your kid how to push themselves and how to commit and see something through, through the struggle. But one of the things you'll hear me say for those of you that are in break, and it's one of our parenting keystones, is that it's very critical to teach your kid how to measure reality accurately. Right? Like, did I put in enough effort? Was this enough to win? Instead of, let's say your kid gets, you just go on a whole tirade about how you were actually better than them. Like, well, you, you got second place. Why would you do that? So it's better to teach your kid how to accurately self measure. But paired with that, I firmly believe that spontaneous celebration of the child is critical. So you have to be able to celebrate your child not tied to what they're doing, but just who they are. But this can't be done in the context of emotional rescuing. You can't. For this to fit the mold of what I'm talking about, your kid can't be in pain and then you spontaneously celebrate them. That's not spontaneous, that's emotionally rescuing. One of the things that I will do is I will just find a random moment when we're doing nothing. They haven't done anything, they're not in trouble. And I will just go up to them and I'll grab their face and just speak life into them. You're smart, you're funny. I'm so excited to be your mom. Being your mom is one of the best things that's ever happened to me. I'm so proud of you. Right. Not tied to anything else. That's spontaneous celebration of your child. And when you do those things and you're not constantly pitting the siblings against each other or highlighting what somebody is good at or what parents think you're not good at, it doesn't start to breed jealousy. You also need to help your children learn how to tolerate disappointment and, in fact, build up as many opportunities to delay gratification as possible. Even if my kid is asking for apple juice or a snack, I'll always intentionally say, I'll get that for you in a few minutes. Sometimes they forget they even wanted it because really, their brain was reaching for a snack because they were bored. And now their boredom's gone away so they're not thinking about the snack or. Or let's say in five minutes. They really do want that. I've taught them to. That it's okay to kind of wait in that discomfort to get what they want, let's say. And this is something that certainly happened, going back to this idea of it being someone's birthday. Gordon's and my birthday are a few days apart. And all the Littles really wanted to understand, like, because it was Gordon's birthday and all these presents and my birthday and all these presents, they were like, well, when's my presents? It's like, well, you guys are both born in December. It's not for a long time. Instead of doing the, oh, get over it. Or, you know, getting them presents to make them feel included, helping them actually navigate their disappointment, like, hey, it's okay that you feel sad right now, but the, you know, yesterday was about Daddy. Today's about Mommy. Everyone has one day of the year where we get to celebrate your birthday. Your birthday's here and here. And don't you remember when we did your birthday? We got X and Y and Z. Do you remember those presents? Do you remember how much we celebrated you? And they're like, oh, yeah, I guess that's true. And be like, can't you. I think it would be really great if you could be really happy for daddy and wish him a happy birthday right now. And remember that even though today's not about you, we love you. And it's really good for you to learn how to be of service to others and not always only get what you want. Those are all great ways to help a kid learn how to manage their disappointment and to learn how to build internal identity instead of externally ranking, who am I? What do I like? By the way? You can't get to these things without teaching your kids how to commit. And very often parents end up pushing their kids into the things that they like or the things that they think their kids should be doing. Then you build up this whole external validation loop where they're doing something ultimately for you to get your attention. And of course we're actually breeding this whole process. Whereas if you could take your kid's lead, which often ends up budding in those toddler to early childhood years, and you kind of take their lead and teach them how to commit and drive toward a goal, you end up helping them build true secure identity, rather than that identity being buil on some sort of external validation loop. When we're looking at the emotional addiction cycle behind jealousy, it is very important for us to remind ourselves that jealousy is extremely chemically addicted. The person develops an emotional fixation around comparison, suspicion, checking on things, right? Like scanning phones, looking at social media, monitoring, resentment, victimhood, emotional escalation. And it's because these things actually help justify and build the biochemical intensity. The nervous system is actually very much patterned to be addicted to outrage, insecurity, obsession and hypervigilance. So they are constantly monitoring and checking and measuring. One of the things that I will say as a just common theme that I see in the relationship space would be a potentially, and this is not always true because everyone knows how I feel about how ridiculous it is that we blame gender for things that are really caused by brain patterns. But a common theme that I do see in my practice is a, an insecure woman who experiences jealousy, who's constantly comparing and checking devices. And the husband may be very secure, maybe he's got a lot going on and he's not maybe overly communicative and he just expects like, I haven't done anything wrong, therefore you should trust me, right? Well, if somebody's jealous, they're going to be looking for things. And what often ends up happening is that you're experiencing confirmation bias and you're actually pushing and looking for things. And eventually I have seen the boyfriend in said scenario be like, I'm already getting blamed for it. So like what, what is, what is the point of this relationship? I'm always in trouble anyways for something I'm not doing. So like, what do I do with that? So in this way, if somebody's already operating from that insecurity and jealousy and they're checking, the jealousy itself will create confirmation bias. You're gonna have completely disordered perceptions. You're going to make very toxic assumptions about what people are doing and why. And ultimately you end up becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. I have seen many a girlfriend ultimately destroy Their relationship while in their mind they are trying to protect it. And certainly this can go the other way with men doing this to women. I'm not saying that it can't. It absolutely can. In a way, your emotional addiction cycle ends up manufacturing evidence through confirmation bias to justify or support why you should keep pushing, why you should keep being suspicious. And jealousy, by the way, is also one of the primary roots of gossip, division and quiet destruction of all types of friend groups, employee groups. Most people don't want to admit it because jealousy is very rarely presented honestly. Most people aren't like, hi, it's me, I'm jealous, I'm going to destroy your life now because I'm jealous. Jealous, it often will disguise itself as criticism. I've even seen this be disguised as spiritual discernment, fake concern, passive aggressive behavior, superiority, false humility. Especially if we're talking about COVID narcissism, moral outrage, or I'm just being honest in air quotes. But underneath, it's often that their existence triggers something unresolved in me that would be the honest. If they were really, truly being honest. That's what the answer is. And when people refuse to acknowledge jealousy in themselves, it is dangerous, especially to the people who they've placed targets on their backs. I have had a target on my back for this behavior literally since the moment I was born. But truly in my adult career, this happens far too often and it is exhausting. It's so easy to see and it's so easily corrected if somebody could just be honest. Because you can actually learn how to rewire these patterns, but you can't. If you compartmentalize and pretend that it's not happening. Jealousy often becomes incredibly destructive because the other person isn't seeing themselves clearly. They're quite literally building a whole projection field around them. And they can be living in a very delusional, psychologically distorted life. And they may, especially as we're toward the right hand side of the brain pattern spectrum, they may really believe that delusion. And this is why ultimately, even when others have tried to harm me in this way, I still have empathy for I. I understand, I actually feel bad. I cannot imagine how much they must be hurting and divided within themselves to do something like that. So even when hypothetically I should be sad, mad, whatever that emotion would be, I still feel empathy for them. I quite literally still pray for people who have tried to harm me. Because people are just broken. And I'm. My whole life's work is committed to helping people like that get better. So I would Be a total fraud to just be mad without understanding. I'm. I still have compassion and understanding. People that get stuck in this jealousy route often end up becoming very divisive. They start to triangulate, try to break apart their friend groups. There's resentment. They can be very accusatory, manipulative. Another thing that can often happen here is they, in a similar way to Cult Mechanics, if you go back to my episode on Cult Mechanics, they may actually try to separate you from other people. So let's say that they think other people are actually giving you reasonable, sound advice or feedback, or maybe know who, who they really are. They'll try to separate you from them, much like a cult would try to separate you from outside influences. And these types of people become obsessed with tearing others down. And it's usually ends up getting to a place that is relatively organized in public, and they become chemically addicted to criticism and comparison. Meanwhile, most of these people somehow convince themselves that they're morally right. Jealousy, ultimately, for this reason, corrodes your entire soul. It turns admiration into resentment. And to be honest with you, and I just walked a friend through this over the weekend, the truth is, if you are jealous of somebody, admiration or acknowledgement had to precede that. You had to actually think they were beautiful for jealousy to be activated. You had to actually understand who they are and what power they have to activate jealousy. So it would be very rare that you, let's say in a girlfriend, boyfriend scenario, you likely wouldn't become jealous of somebody that you thought you were prettier or smarter than. So you have to acknowledge the good for it to then flip the coin and turn to the bad. And truly, the person that experiences jealousy, they suffer the most because you lose the ability to celebrate other people, to experience beauty. Anything that is a positive, your brain will start to flip it into a negative or a lack in yourself or something to fight about. And I'll level with you, that is a completely miserable way to live your life. And if I'm talking to you right now and you know that you struggle with jealousy, there is a way to rewire it, but it's not going to be by largely consuming Instagram content that makes you feel like you're perfectly justified in your victim narrative. Jealousy traps people into hyper fixation on the material world. It's usually things like money, success, access, beauty, et cetera, right? The who got picked, who got promoted, who's getting more attention, the amount of times that that when it comes down to brass tacks, the people that I've had to deal with this repetitively about it usually is about what attention they're not getting or that somebody else gets more attention. At the end of the day, what's really happening on more of a spiritual, multi dimensional level is that your scarcity is causing you to not be able to trust in the unfolding of things. Right? You can't trust that when it's the right time, it will happen for you. Or just because this person's getting something doesn't mean that I'm never going to get it. So you end up often being pushy, pressuring you. Right? You're gonna advocate for fairness and you want what you want, but really you're almost like pushing people to give it to you instead of waiting to see what happens naturally. So in a way, these people often are tempted to play God, right? They stand up for themselves in air quotes. They advocate and they're pushing for something that maybe that person would have naturally given them. But now that you're advocating for it in a victim centric way, they're like, o, I don't know if I really want this around me. When jealousy is in operation, if somebody receives something, you may actually feel like maybe that was, that was meant to be yours or now you're not going to get something. When you are operating in a place of faith and trusting whatever your spiritual belief system is, you can operate much more from a what is meant to be will be. And if I'm meant for this, it will come to me. I don't have to force somebody or to hold somebody emotionally hostage so that I get what I think I deserve. This goes back to. I know I talked about it, I think on the Darvo episode. My experience of people who give gifts to get something in return, and it may be an unpopular opinion, but I truly believe you shouldn't give a gift to get something in return. You should give a gift because you want to give a gift. I would never give something just to get something in return. A person like this is very much going to do that, right? Because everything is measured and tit for tat and they're looking for to prove reciprocity. So if we're looking at a person like this, we have to really remember that if someone gives something freely and we let them do that on their own terms, naturally we can really rest in the peace and security of what we were given. If we feel like we have to be neurotic and push for it or demand it, is it even worth it at that point? Like if I had to and you. This is a great example. And I'm sure we see a lot of caricatures of this on the movies, but the kind of caricature of a girlfriend that's been waiting for years for her boyfriend to propose. All of her other friends are getting married. If you have to push your partner to propose to you, wouldn't that proposal not even feel good anymore? To a person that experiences jealousy that that whole plot that I just gave you might totally like? For them, it's more about getting it than how they got it. For a person like me, if I had to push something, the getting it would feel so empty. Be like, what did I even like? For me, if I need. If I need help, and it's clear that I need help if I have to like beg for it at that point, I don't, like, I don't want you to help me anymore. If you didn't want to do it freely, then don't do it. But a person that is unfortunately looping on jealousy functions very much the opposite. They're willing to be pushy, demanding, manipulative, to get what they feel that they're owed. And there is an aspect of this that is very clearly and entrenched in entitlement and self centeredness. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever noticed how you can know something is unhealthy and still do it anyways? You know you shouldn't react that way in an argument. You know that habit isn't good for you. You know that that thought pattern is irrational. And yet somehow your brain runs the same loop again. This is where a lot of personal development goes wrong. Awareness alone doesn't change the brain. Repeated behavioral input does does. Your brain changes through neuroplasticity. Through the pathways you strengthen with action, not just awareness. And that is exactly why I created Renew youw Mind. This program sits at the intersection of neuroscience, behavioral rewiring and biblical teaching around the command to renew your mind. Inside this program, I walk through what's actually happening in the brain when patterns form, why your prefrontal cortex shuts down under emotional pressure and how specific behaviors activate areas like the anterior mid cingulate cortex, which is responsible for resilience, discipline, and the ability to push through discomfort. But the most important thing we talk about is pattern opposition. Because if you want a new life, you can't keep feeding the same neural pathways that created the old one. Scripture says, be transformed by the renewing of your mind. But most people were never taught how to actually do that. Renew your Mind gives you the framework to begin interrupting destructive patterns strengthen your ability to regulate emotion and build the emotional resilience that is required to become a new creation. If you've ever felt like your reactions, habits or emotional patterns are running your life instead of the other way around, this program was built for you. Renew your mind can be accessed at Stan Store busygold. When you continually loop on jealousy, you're going to be in a near constant state of emotional dysregulation. And that's probably going to look like bitterness, being resentful, obsessed, comparison driven, and to be honest with you, full blown rage. When people operate like this, eventually it's pulling them back to that toddler temper tantrum style of rage. And this often allows people to justify doing really terrible things to other people in the name of fairness for themselves. And my hope is that for a lot of people you get to a place where you can sit back and reflect and be like, oof. That wasn't, that wasn't an emotionally mature thing to do. And very frequently in my work with Break Method, I work with a lot of women who eventually realize that all of this that we're talking about is actually why their relationship is toxic. And when they can learn to take ownership of that and show up differently, they actually find that plot twist. They've actually been married to a partner who's actually lovely and sweet and wants to meet their needs, but the other person is constantly setting them up to fail. So if this is you, take note, this can be fixed. And the likelihood that you are inaccurately projecting onto your partner, not in all cases, but often is highly likely. Emotional dysregulation is also going to very much damage discernment. So your ability to accurately assess what's happening, why something's happening, becomes completely incapacitated. Most of what you would jump to in assumption is going to be very far from the truth and extremely skewed or distorted. And when this is happening, it's gonna be really hard for you to experience peace in your life. It's gonna be hard to operate from wisdom or self control. Everything's going to become very retaliatory, very much rooted in emotional response, which just muddies the waters of everything. And very infrequently from this place, are you trying to collaborate and co reconcile reality with somebody else? You are trying to double down on your disordered perception. And if you go back to the episode on Darvo, it is very common that a person like this would project onto the other person that they are acting out. Darvo when they are actively trying to get the person to collaborate and co reconcile reality because they don't want their their narrative in any way pushed or fractured because it feels unsafe. Because ultimately this deeper wound is about scarcity and not feeling like they will be loved or chosen. If you can come face to face with that, you can actually heal. But if you allow your brain to project onto something else and blame shift, you'll stay stuck forever and your relationships by the way, will continue to stay toxic. You'll go from one toxic relationship to the other. And if you over consume overgeneralized Instagram content, you may actually believe the other person is the problem over and over again, missing the one opportunity you had to look in the mirror and take ownership for how your nervous system was patterned so that you can actually get out of it. Most toxic relationships that I have worked with, the person that is convinced that the other person is the problem eventually realizes that they are the problem. And very often it's coming from jealousy. So it behooves you and yes, I said behooves to do a little bit of self examination. And while jealousy is not something that is easy to admit, if you admit it and you face it head on, you can rewire it, you can get to the other side, and then you can start to actually create relationships in your life that aren't constantly in a state of volatility or where you're in a relationship where you're not in highs and lows. When I've dealt with people like this, they're either obsessed with me and I'm their favorite person ever and they do everything that I do, or I'm like an evil cult leader. We are not supposed to exist in these sort of high contrast points. That is because you're going from obsession and fixation to feeling like something's been robbed from you. Meanwhile, oftentimes the other people have no idea what's going on because this person is living in a different reality than everybody else. And if we're talking about strongholds for those of you that are in my renew your mind work, when it comes to more the spiritual side, this is a perfect pathway to being completely deceived by all kinds of things in the spirit realm. And we're not going to go too deeply into this in this episode, because I know we're currently on the spirit realm in our modules right now. So if you don't know about renew your mind, you can go to my Instagram and you'll see my renew your mind course. We're going through the biblical basis for neuroscientific rewiring and how that intersects sex with the spirit realm and mental illness. So if you are interested in that, you can go pop over there, but you end up accidentally coming into agreement with the spirit of offense accusation and you end up often I see this all the time. People position themselves as they are operating under some sort of holy spiritual authority when they're quite literally just acting out all of these very messy childhood patterns. So. So approach wisely. Right? Gotta be careful there. If you have been following the podcast for a long time, we have a a tool that we use in break method called eli. It's a very specific way of asking questions of yourself to help expose the air. I put together a little bit of questions that you can start to think about when you are potentially activated. I will also pull these out into a PDF. It'll be in the show notes. So these are questions that when you're emotionally activated, you want to be asking yourself these questions to hopefully try to see past the distortion and anchor more into objective reality. Question 1Am I interpreting another person's blessing as evidence of my lack? Have I allowed comparison to distort my personal identity? Right. If I see them as this, is that making me now see myself in a more disordered light? Example, going back to Sarai Sariah's stunningly beautiful period of full stop, nobody would ever look at her and be like, she's not suddenly beautiful. When she saw beauty in the people around her, her actual words were, I'm an ugly monster. So is it possible that comparing yourself to somebody else is now making yourself be seen in a negative light? Think about how real body dysmorphia is. I have been in a bad mood before and actually thought that I looked like 20 pounds heavier than I actually looked. When I saw a picture, I'm like, oh, weird. I didn't look like that at all. Perception distorts everything. Am I feeding resentment instead of building my own life? How many of you, if you were honest with yourselves about how much you fixate on somebody else, if you took all of that time and you put it into building something for yourself, would your life be better? The amount of people who have done this and spend so much time trying to attack me or put the focus on me, if they spent even 20% of that time truly focusing on their thing, they'd probably be a lot further along. I re. I wish. I wish they would. I really do. Because you're putting that energy into a place that Your brain and body is addicted to rather than really the part where deep down that's where the actual lack is. They're afraid that they can't actually do it, and I hope that they do. Is this emotional fixation producing peace or is it just justifying my internal chaos? It's probably justifying internal chaos. Have I confused visibility with value? You? Just because I'm in the background, does that mean that suddenly I don't matter anymore? Am I operating from trust or am I doubling down on my childhood based scarcity? What thoughts have I been rehearsing repeatedly? Would someone. Would I want someone thinking these thoughts about me? Is this comparison poisoning my emotional state? What behavior would oppose this pattern right now? And what contribute. What would me contributing to this instead of competing look like? And the last one, Can I challenge myself to genuinely celebrate someone else's success? To oppose my pattern? Honestly, there's nothing better than you can do mentally. If you're mad at what somebody else got or what you don't have and you can feel yourself kind of sinking, oppose your pattern and go to that person and say, I'm so proud of you, I want to celebrate. You send them flowers. You break that pattern off in yourself. When you don't just acknowledge, but you actively oppose it, literally do the opposite it. People who are jealous often don't want to face it and instead, like we talked about, you project onto somebody else. But you have to be able to take radical personal responsibility. I'm telling you, when you can do that, you start to be able to change so quickly. Because truly, if you are somebody who ruminates in cycles on jealousy, you are the person suffering the most. The other person may be annoyed by it, they may be hurt by it, but they're not going to keep looping. You are. And there's literally no amount of success or beauty or followers that you can gain that will solve this problem. You could do all of those things if you don't rewire the core issue itself. There's no external metric that is going to solve this problem. There will always be something else. It's like whack a mole. You have to recognize the pattern. You have to own that you're likely operating from a disordered perspective. If you experience jealousy, it is an all but guarantee. You have to learn how to correct your assumptions. You have to stop justifying your emotional indulgence in this victim narrative, and you have to learn how to oppose this behavior. I put together some examples of things that you can do to oppose this behavior. One we just talked about celebrate someone publicly without redirecting attention to yourself. And by the way, this one is classic and I've seen people who are trying to transcend this in themselves still do this where they will insert themselves in something and redirect it back to themselves. That's not the same thing. Practice gratitude without allowing any sort of comparison language in your head. If you notice that you are gossiping, stop yourself right away and say, I'm really trying to work on that. I'm going to cut myself off right here. There's obviously something in me that is upset or feels disgruntled. I'm, I'm not going to allow myself to gossip. I apologize. I'm going to stop, pull back right now. Compliment somebody else without self deprecation. Because sometimes it's like, here's your compliment, but I'm going to like backhanded say something negative about myself. Yourself, prevent yourself from monitoring other people. Hey, maybe delete your Instagram. Put like block. If you can't control your obsession with looking at them, maybe block them for your own good. Stop looking. Anytime you feel like you want to fixate or obsess on somebody else, put on a 40 minute timer. Go focus on a project you are doing for 40 minutes and put your whole focus into that. And after that, if you still want to go dwell and fixate on what the other person is doing, go for it. It probably after 40 minutes of actually working on yourself, you won't want to do that anymore. Jealousy weakens self respect. And if you are opposing this pattern, you will eventually learn to like yourself more. And you're probably also going to find that you learn how to take more action. You learn how to be more committed. You're okay with figuring out as you go along your emotional regulation is going to improve. And little by little you will stop. You will stop comparing yourself to other people. So the question that I want to leave you with is, are you brave enough to face your jealousy head on? Not justify it, not hyper spiritualize it, not project onto somebody else or talk about all the things that they really are, but just truly sit with it and be honest. Your jealousy is never about what somebody else has. It's about what meaning your nervous system has assigned to it. And until you learn how to confront the internal scarcity that's driving this comparison loop, the world will always feel threatening, unfair, and emotionally unsafe. And by the way, if you are listening to this and you know you experience some of these things and you want to know the true root cause and the origin that is exactly what we do in brain pattern mapping. It takes 20 minutes. You get your results as soon as you book your appointment to go through. You get a whole PDF report that explains what your self deception themes are, why you experience common conflicts the way that you do, what your true underlying motivations are. And the first step to actually healing yourself of this is learning how to face it head on on. Nobody is going to shame you. Nobody is mad at you. It is what it is. But we can't get better if we don't acknowledge where the breakdown is happening. You will learn to identify where the pattern started, what subconscious drivers are actually perpetuating this behavior, and why you keep justifying the behaviors that you ultimately know are hurting yourself and others. Freedom isn't about becoming better than everybody else else. Freedom comes from no longer needing to compare yourself to other people to define your worth. If you want to understand the root of your jealousy and your comparison patterns, I really cannot recommend anything other than brain pattern mapping with predictive mind. You go to predictivemind IO and let's crack the code. You do not have to live like this forever. It likely is destroying your relationships, it's likely destroying your friendships and if we're being honest, it's probably holding you back in your career. And if you have kids, especially for those of you that end up, you know, if you're a woman and you have a female child, if you're a man and you have a male child, when we tend to see same sex as the parent children with a parent with jealousy, you tend to take this out on said child. And if left unchecked, this can start presenting like a personality disorder. So you owe it to yourself and your kids and your spouse to take ownership because is this is not a natural state of being. This is not how you are supposed to live your life. So I hope that you take the invitation to rewire your jealousy so that you can feel self assured and free. Because I can tell you as somebody who does not experience jealousy, it's a much more relaxing way to live your life truly. So if you know somebody that needs to hear this message, please share this episode. Do me a favor, go on Apple, go on Spotify, give it a five star review. Write us a comment. I so appreciate it if you want to jaunt on over to YouTube and do the same. I really appreciate it. Just helps the algorithm push the episode and I will see you all next week.