The Four-Month Frontier

Today marks exactly four months into the project. It is a milestone that feels both unbelievable and, paradoxically, incredibly strange. Rather than a grand celebration, I find myself in a profoundly “off” headspace, particularly upon awakening. Whether this is a side effect of the narrative consolidation in my dreams or a shift in my baseline, I’m not entirely sure.

The Somatic Flare-Up

Yesterday afternoon, the project took a physical hit. I developed intense stomach cramps that were painful enough to stop me in my tracks. It took a couple of paracetamols and several hours of sleep for the worst of it to subside, though the area remains tender today.

While I’m hoping it’s simply a bout of mild dehydration, there is a lingering anxiety. It’s reminiscent of a previous bout of pancreatitis that saw me hospitalised a few years back. At 58, you lose the luxury of dismissing new aches and pains. After watching how quickly things went “pear-shaped” for Julie, my internal alert system is on high frequency. When your body starts shouting, you can’t help but listen with a certain level of nervous suspicion.

The Return of the Scaffold

In response to this sense of being “unmoored,” I’ve decided to reintroduce some hard structure. Since Julie’s diagnosis, the clinic has only been open for specific appointments, which has left the week feeling a bit fluid - perhaps too fluid.

As of next week, I am reverting to a fixed schedule: 10 am to 4 pm. Structure is the scaffolding that keeps the mind from drifting into the fog. By physically being in the clinic, I am signalling to my brain that the “maintenance phase” is transitioning back into the “active phase.”

State of the Union

Aside from the physical niggles, the status remains:

* Repairs: Ongoing and deep.

* Dreams: Persistent, vivid, and increasingly narrative.

* Oscillations: The frequencies are still shifting as the brain settles into its new 120-day architecture.

Apologies for the brevity; when the stomach is niggling, the concentration is the first thing to go. But I am still here. Day 120 is in the books.

#cannabiswithdrawal #PAWS #neuroplasticity #cognitiverepair #recoveryjourney

Get full access to DeepSeek and Me at deepseekandme.substack.com/subscribe