Desert Skies Presents: Woodbine

Summary

Desert Skies Presents: Woodbine – Episode Summary

Release Date: March 25, 2025
Host: Jared Carter
Title: Desert Skies Presents: Woodbine

---

Overview

In the inaugural episode of "Woodbine," a supernatural mystery unfolds within the unassuming Woodbine Agency, a small detective firm nestled in Toronto's East End. The story centers around Beatrice (Bea) Ashe, a diligent assistant yearning for advancement, and her enigmatic boss, Grace Hawthorne. A brutal attack catapults Bea into a hidden world of vampires and dark secrets, setting the stage for a gripping tale of survival, transformation, and the quest for truth.

Key Characters

• Beatrice Ashe (Bea): The protagonist, an assistant at Woodbine Agency striving for a promotion.
• Grace Hawthorne: Bea's boss, the sole detective at the agency, who harbors a supernatural secret.
• Lennox: A mysterious antagonist whose intentions towards Grace and Bea add layers of suspense.
• Alden: A colleague concerned about Grace's sudden erratic behavior.

Detailed Summary

1. The Ordinary World and the Attack (00:00 – 06:03)

The episode opens with Bea describing her routine at the Woodbine Agency. Despite handling seemingly minor cases, she aspires for greater responsibility. Her mundane life takes a horrific turn when an unidentified assailant brutally stabs her 27 times. As she teeters on the brink of death, Grace intervenes, saving Bea's life in an unconventional manner.

Bea Ashe (05:15): "I don't think you have much choice in the matter."

Grace's immediate actions suggest more than simple first aid, hinting at a supernatural intervention that transcends conventional medical help.

2. The Revelation (06:03 – 18:26)

After the attack, Grace reveals a startling truth to Bea: she has transformed Bea into a vampire to save her life. This revelation is met with disbelief and fear from Bea, who grapples with the reality of her new existence.

Grace Hawthorne (13:10): "I'm a vampire. Bee."

Bea struggles to comprehend her altered state, experiencing immediate physical and psychological changes. The dialogue delves deep into the mechanics of vampirism, including the need for blood, aversion to sunlight, and the ability to heal rapidly.

Bea Ashe (07:24): "I'm sorry, Grace."

Grace Hawthorne (16:13): "I couldn't let you die. And I made a choice."

3. Coping with the New Reality (18:26 – 36:00)

Bea begins to navigate her transformation, with Grace guiding her through the intricacies of her new vampire abilities. The narrative explores Bea's internal conflict as she reconciles her human emotions with her vampiric instincts.

Bea Ashe (25:55): "Is there some sort of onboarding for this?"

Grace Hawthorne (26:22): "You'll adjust."

Grace provides practical advice on managing vampiric needs, such as dietary changes and avoiding exposure to sunlight. The tension between Bea's human vulnerabilities and newfound strengths is palpable as she attempts to maintain her sense of self.

4. Investigating the Attack (36:00 – 55:54)

Determined to uncover the motives behind her attack, Bea and Grace return to the site of the crime—the Woodbine Agency office. Their investigation reveals suspicious details, including blood patterns and the peculiar act of the assailant taking business cards from both Bea and Grace.

Bea Ashe (43:30): "You think he was hired?"

Grace Hawthorne (43:50): "I think the answers we're looking for might prove to be more elusive than tracking down a lone, angry man with a knife."

The duo interviews colleagues Lennox and Alden, who express concern over Grace's sudden changes, hinting at deeper connections and potential conspiracies within the agency.

Lennox (22:20): "What do you think has her so worked up?"

Alden (23:03): "Perhaps she turned someone."

These interactions build suspense and foreshadow future conflicts, especially with the introduction of Lennox as a potential threat.

5. Strengthening the Bond and Facing New Challenges (55:54 – 60:00)

As Bea begins to accept her vampiric transformation, Grace offers her a promotion at the agency, recognizing Bea's resilience and newfound abilities. This gesture not only signifies Bea's professional growth but also deepens her reliance on Grace's guidance.

Grace Hawthorne (53:42): "Plus you've got some new skills that will come in handy."

Bea’s acceptance of her new role is juxtaposed with the unresolved mystery of her attacker, setting the stage for ongoing investigations and supernatural elements.

6. The Shadow of Lennox (60:00 – End)

The episode concludes with an intense confrontation in Bea's visions, introducing Lennox as a formidable adversary questioning Grace's motives. This cliffhanger promises a deeper exploration of the vampire lore and personal vendettas that will drive the narrative forward.

Lennox (56:41): "Why did you put someone else through the change?"

Grace Hawthorne (57:31): "If this was you, I am going to prove it. And I am going to make you pay."

Notable Quotes

• Bea Ashe (09:26): "What the fuck happened?"
• Grace Hawthorne (13:40): "I am a vampire."
• Bea Ashe (18:26): "I just can't handle the thought of that right now."
• Lennox (56:41): "Why'd you put someone else through the change?"

Themes and Insights

• Transformation and Identity: Bea's metamorphosis into a vampire serves as a metaphor for personal growth and the struggle to maintain one's identity amidst drastic changes.

• Trust and Betrayal: The evolving relationship between Bea and Grace highlights themes of trust, loyalty, and the uncovering of hidden truths within close-knit environments.

• Mystery and Suspense: The unresolved motives behind Bea's attack and the introduction of Lennox inject a sense of mystery, driving the narrative towards uncovering deeper conspiracies.

Conclusion

The first episode of "Woodbine" masterfully blends supernatural elements with a gripping mystery, creating an engaging narrative that hooks listeners from the start. Bea's journey from a hopeful assistant to a fledgling vampire, under Grace's tutelage, sets the foundation for a series filled with intrigue, emotional depth, and dark secrets waiting to be unveiled. Fans of supernatural dramas and mystery enthusiasts alike will find "Woodbine" a compelling addition to the "Desert Skies" podcast lineup.

---

Connect with Desert Skies:

• Club 86: Patreon
• Merchandise: Desert Skies Store
• Community Discord: Join Here
• Official Website: Desert Skies Podcast

Transcript

[Beatrice Ashe]

Work management platforms. Ugh. Endless onboarding. IT bottlenecks admin requests but what if things were different? Monday.com is different. No lengthy onboarding, beautiful reports in minutes, custom workflows you can build on your own, easy to use prompt free AI. Huh. Turns out you can love a work management platform. Monday.com, the first work platform you'll love to use.

[Grace Hawthorne]

With the Venmo debit card, you can turn the mini golf outing your co workers paid you back for into a trip to Miami with your best friend, earning you up to 5% cash back. Use Venmo to pay for the things you love to do. Visit Venmo Me Devit to learn more. The Venmo MasterCard is issued by the Bancorp Bank N.A. pursuant to license by MasterCard International, Inc. Terms apply. Dosh cashback terms apply Hi friends, Jared.

[Narrator]

Here Today Desert Skies presents Woodbine, a supernatural mystery about monsters and new beginnings from the creators of the award winning horror fiction podcast Parkdale Haunt. The series follows Beatrice Ashe, who is living a quiet life as an assistant at the Woodbine Agency, a small detective firm in the East End of Toronto. But things change for her when she's brutally attacked and left near dead. Now her boss, Grace Hawthorne, has a choice to let Bea die or give her a second chance. A second chance that will bring Bea into a new world of shadow. Listening to the first episode totally reminded me of that 90s classic, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but with a modern feel. Fans of Supernatural are going to love it. The characters are intriguing, the pacing is perfect, the story draws you right in. This is the first time we're presenting a horror show, so just keep in mind that some of the content may be a little scary for some of our younger listeners. Parental discretion is advised. That said, enjoy the first episode of Woodbine.

[Beatrice Ashe]

It was an unusually warm September day when it happened. I was at work typing up some notes my co worker Grace had left for me to transcribe. Grace Hawthorne. Nice lady, bit of an old soul, but we get along, we're friends. She's the main detective here at the agency. I mean, she's the only detective. I'm just an assistant. Mostly. I take notes, call clients, whatever is needed. But I join her out on the field sometimes, helping with cases, digging around. I hope I have the chops to actually move up the ladder here. Well, it's not really much of a ladder. It's a step stool perhaps. It's a small workplace Woodbine Agency located just near Woodbine subway station. Not the most creative name, but Hey, I didn't pick it. A tiny detective agency with tiny cases. Stuff too small for anyone major to care about, but too big for one person to handle. It's not bad. Good benefits, dental. Have to admit, I'd been hoping for a promotion. And Grace has definitely been taking more of an interest in me as of late. But none of this is important right now. As for me, my name is Beatrice Ash. But everyone who knows me well calls me Bea. I like it, B. It sounds bouncy, bright, sweet. All these things that I just feel like I'm not now. People who've just met me call me Beatrice and it makes me feel like I'm still in school. The teacher's voice barking it out across the classroom, the kids making jokes about it. And young me wishing my parents gave me a cool contemporary name like Kayla or Ashley or Misty. But no Beatrice. An old lady name. Grace likes it, although I'm not sure why. But yeah, that's why I get called by people who barely know me. As for people who don't know me at all, well, they don't call me anything. For example, the guy who walked into the office a few minutes ago and started stabbing me. He didn't even look at the nameplate on the desk. He just got to work. Well, here I am.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Oh, no. Oh, no.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Oh, my God.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Oh, my.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Okay.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Okay, I'm going to be. Honey, I need you to stay with me, okay?

[Beatrice Ashe]

Grace. Help me. I'm gonna die. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[Grace Hawthorne]

No, you're not doing that. I'm not going to let that happen. We will get you out of here. We'll get these wounds stitched up.

[Beatrice Ashe]

I don't think you have much choice in the matter.

[Grace Hawthorne]

I'll call for help. I'll get an ambulance. They can. There's so much blood, B.

[Beatrice Ashe]

My blood inside me. It's all I want. Oh, God. Oh, God, please help. Please.

[Grace Hawthorne]

It's a lot.

[Beatrice Ashe]

No.

[Grace Hawthorne]

I won't let you die. Okay, where's your phone? Oh, no. It's been smashed.

[Beatrice Ashe]

I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Please. Please don't let me die.

[Grace Hawthorne]

I told you that won't happen.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Oh, Gold.

[Grace Hawthorne]

I. Your pulse is so weak. Okay. Fuck. I could go get my phone, but I don't think they can help.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Just anything.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Be my sweet Bee. I'm going to make a choice for the both of us.

[Beatrice Ashe]

What?

[Grace Hawthorne]

It's not your time.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Who says you get to pick? Who says you get to pick that?

[Grace Hawthorne]

Good question. What kind of God would let this happen to You.

[Beatrice Ashe]

I don't know what kind of God.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Would cause such pain? What kind of devil will allow me to help you?

[Beatrice Ashe]

I'm sorry, Grace.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Don't be sorry. What do you have to be sorry for?

[Beatrice Ashe]

All this is gonna be a mess to clean up, and I won't be here for it. I don't want to die.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Is this what was used to stab you?

[Beatrice Ashe]

Yeah.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Yeah, I'm helping. Don't worry.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Shh.

[Grace Hawthorne]

I'm the one who's sorry. Bea. It's not your time to go, okay? We'll figure this out together. Are you ready? I am. And I'll explain everything after. This will feel disorienting. You look so beautiful, Bea.

[Lennox]

Do not make this mistake again, Grace. It's difficult for me to watch you fail.

[Beatrice Ashe]

What the. What?

[Grace Hawthorne]

B.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Don't. Don't come any closer. All right, you tell me. What happened? Where am I and what the fuck happened?

[Grace Hawthorne]

And I'm sorry. I don't think you're fully healed yet. It's only been a few hours.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Where are we?

[Grace Hawthorne]

You're at my house.

[Beatrice Ashe]

What? What? Why did you bring me here? Shouldn't I be in a hospital or something?

[Grace Hawthorne]

A hospital wouldn't help.

[Beatrice Ashe]

What does that mean? How. How. How am I even conscious right now? Or. Or alive, for that matter? Last time I looked, most of my blood was now in a big puddle outside my body, ruining the office floor.

[Grace Hawthorne]

That hardwood will never be the same, unfortunately. What a shame. It was original.

[Beatrice Ashe]

You know, I don't think that's the issue right now. What the hell is going on? Why are we here?

[Grace Hawthorne]

I needed to get you somewhere safe.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Did you call the police? An ambulance? An Uber?

[Grace Hawthorne]

Cops are useless. An ambulance would never have arrived in time. And I would have ruined my 5 star rating on Uber if I had tried to load your bloody form into the back of some random man's Kia Sportage.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Ok, ok. So you brought me here to what, stitch me up?

[Grace Hawthorne]

In a sense.

[Beatrice Ashe]

In a sense? What? Did you. Did you hot glue me back together or something?

[Grace Hawthorne]

B, we need to talk.

[Beatrice Ashe]

What the. What? No. I was stabbed. I was stabbed a lot. Look, my shirt. My shirt is a mess, but there's no open wounds. How. How what?

[Grace Hawthorne]

I have some things I should explain.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Yeah, you think? Grace, what the hell is going on? What is this? Am I. Am I hallucinating? Am I dead? How long have I been out?

[Grace Hawthorne]

Just calm down and I.

[Beatrice Ashe]

How the shit am I supposed to calm down? What did you do?

[Grace Hawthorne]

It's a complicated thing.

[Beatrice Ashe]

I don't have the patience right now for complications. Grace, did you scoop my blood up and put it back inside me? I don't think that's how it works.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Would you describe yourself as someone with an open mind?

[Beatrice Ashe]

What? I'm gonna start throwing more stuff if you don't give me a straight answer.

[Grace Hawthorne]

If it'll make you feel better, at least aim for the vase on the table over there. I've. I've never cared for it.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Oh, my God. Okay, let me get on your level right now. Are you some sort of necromancer? Are you a witch? Are you some sort of weird cultist with a patron or whatever?

[Grace Hawthorne]

No, I've been approached before, but not my style. Cultists are too hot headed. I did have a stint as a priestess of a worm goddess. Oh, there was this woman. She was so gorgeous when she was zealous. She got me into it. But yeah, I'll save that story for another time.

[Beatrice Ashe]

What is going on?

[Grace Hawthorne]

This might take a little time to explain.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Make it quick.

[Grace Hawthorne]

There is a lot of information that I'm going to need to get through before I get to the crux of the issue.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Tell me now.

[Grace Hawthorne]

I'm a vampire. Bee.

[Beatrice Ashe]

I understand the words that you just said. They are words that make sense in my head. I comprehend them. It's just that they are words that don't make any sense in the context of real life. So I'm going to ask you to calmly repeat to me what you just said. Okay?

[Grace Hawthorne]

Yes, all right.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Please repeat what you just said.

[Grace Hawthorne]

I am a vampire.

[Beatrice Ashe]

What?

[Grace Hawthorne]

A vampire. You know, a mythological undead creature said to feed on the blood of the living. An asvaratu. A creature of the night. A bloodsucker.

[Beatrice Ashe]

I know what a vampire is.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Oh, well, good.

[Beatrice Ashe]

I am aware of the concept and the mythology. I've seen Buffy. I skimmed Twilight. And I'm glad for you, whatever that means. But I'm not really sure how this applies to whatever's happening here, because I'm not. Oh. Oh, no, Grace, no, you didn't.

[Grace Hawthorne]

I'm sorry. It was all I could do. There were no other options.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Are you shitting me?

[Grace Hawthorne]

Believe me, this is not a thing I would you about.

[Beatrice Ashe]

All right, you know what? I'm done. I am not putting up with this. Ah. Stop.

[Grace Hawthorne]

If you're trying to dramatically immolate yourself, it's not going to work.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Okay, fine. Oh. Oh, that stings. Oh, my. Oh, my God. I can't. I can't go out in the sun now.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Yes and no. If you'll just let me explain II No.

[Beatrice Ashe]

No. This Isn't. This isn't real. Why. Why aren't there any stab wounds? I do not understand what happened to me.

[Grace Hawthorne]

You were stabbed and you were dying, and I. I couldn't stand there and watch you shake off this mortal coil, so I did the only thing I could do. And because of that, because of what I did, you have changed. You may have noticed that one of the changes allows you to heal quite quickly. You're still going to be a little sore, I've noticed. But you're alive. Well, sort of. Not technically, I suppose, but you still exist.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Why?

[Grace Hawthorne]

I couldn't let you die. And I made a choice.

[Beatrice Ashe]

I want to say that my head is throbbing. That my eyes burn, that I feel a shiver running through me, but I don't. Just this endless numbness that is settling across my skin like lukewarm water. Am I still me?

[Grace Hawthorne]

Yes. But different. Look, there's so much to tell you. But it's not all bad. There are things about the change you might enjoy. It does come with benefits. Things will become clearer over time.

[Beatrice Ashe]

This feels like. Oh, this. This fucking bullshit. You were lying to me.

[Grace Hawthorne]

I know. It's a lot to take in. I remember the change. I went through it, too. It's overwhelming, but it can also be exhilarating. Like the first kiss of a new lover. Or bur.

[Beatrice Ashe]

I. I think I. I. What is. What is that smell?

[Grace Hawthorne]

Oh, you'll be hungry. I brought you something.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Is that blood?

[Grace Hawthorne]

Ethically sourced. I promise it's AB positive. Quite earthy.

[Beatrice Ashe]

I am not touching that.

[Grace Hawthorne]

You're going to need to eat. The hunger will come sooner than you think.

[Beatrice Ashe]

No, no, no, no. I just.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Just.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Just leave me alone for a bit.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Are you sure?

[Beatrice Ashe]

Yes.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Okay. Okay. Just don't open that curtain again.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Don't tell me what to do.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Believe me, I have no desire to be your keeper. But I do have a responsibility to protect you from yourself. At least until you understand how this works. Please trust me. I had to learn all of these things the hard way, but.

[Beatrice Ashe]

This is fucking real?

[Grace Hawthorne]

Yes.

[Beatrice Ashe]

What am I supposed to do now?

[Grace Hawthorne]

I can help. I owe you that much.

[Beatrice Ashe]

You can help. You got me into this mess.

[Grace Hawthorne]

I wasn't the one who stabbed you. I wasn't trying to hurt you.

[Beatrice Ashe]

You did this to me. You turned me into this. You made this choice for me. Get out.

[Grace Hawthorne]

I'm sorry, Bea. I'm going to give you some space. Please. If you are feeling hunger, I urge you to consider eating.

[Beatrice Ashe]

What do you say to someone who's told you something? Unbelievable. What do you do when your world, the one where this stuff doesn't exist, ends and is suddenly replaced with a world that no longer makes sense. I don't want to exist in this new reality. But it doesn't feel like it matters what I want anymore. I walk over to the window and if I place my arm in the sunlight, it feels like someone snapping 100 elastics across my skin. I'm not going to die doing this. I don't think, but. Ow. Fuck. Everything feels too loud, too weird. Thick and hazy. Like I'm looking through sleet and listening through thunder. My body hurts, but not enough. I was dying. A few hours ago. I was dying. But there's no trace of the wounds. And the pain feels like a distant memory. Me, I've checked my phone. It's late afternoon. This morning I came to work. I did a little admin. I was stabbed 27 times. And now I'm. I can't say it yet, but I've changed. I know in my heart I have. I can feel it. But I'm still breathing. Why am I still breathing? And I'm hungry. It feels like normal hunger, but also it doesn't. It's like hunger was mixed in a blender with desire and lust. And I just want something. But I can't. I can't. And I won't. I will not be ravenous. I am not a monster. I just want to know why this is happening. And I want to know why she did this to me.

[Lennox]

Still haven't heard back from Grace?

[Alden]

No. Have you had any luck?

[Lennox]

I tried again. No response.

[Alden]

How serious of a situation do you think this is?

[Lennox]

When was the last time you got a panicked voicemail from her? Aurelius. 1999.

[Alden]

Yes. When she got those chunky highlights.

[Lennox]

A terrible decision. Yes, but the tenor of this call. I don't think my concern is unfounded. She said she made some choices and it all feels out of character. What do you think has her so worked up? Reassure me before my brain takes me down a terrible path. What do you think happened?

[Alden]

She killed her latest meal.

[Lennox]

Hasn't done that in decades.

[Alden]

She's gone vegan.

[Lennox]

Do you honestly think she would want to relive that short lived face?

[Alden]

Perhaps she burned the office down by accident. Or by design. She has been talking to me about updating the interior.

[Lennox]

She would have just told us.

[Alden]

And leave a paper trail? Let a woman commit a little insurance fraud as a treat. Alden.

[Lennox]

Right now, I hope it's something as ridiculous as that.

[Alden]

May I offer an unlikely option you may. Perhaps she turned someone.

[Lennox]

Grace has never, not once, since I've known, even considered. Do you really think she could?

[Alden]

That isn't something she would do without a very good reason.

[Lennox]

Who would she even consider turning?

[Alden]

She's turned people since we've met her.

[Lennox]

She most certainly has not.

[Alden]

What about that one lover of hers? What was his name? George Gordon.

[Lennox]

What, the poet? I would have eaten him before ever letting him become even halfway immortal. Imagine being stuck with that blowhard.

[Alden]

He wasn't that bad.

[Lennox]

He said her hair was made of water and her teeth looked like moonlight. And then he wrote a sestina comparing her to a hangover. He can go to hell.

[Alden]

Fussy.

[Lennox]

No, I have taste. Grace is fussy.

[Alden]

She never turned her ex girlfriend, right?

[Lennox]

Which one?

[Alden]

The really friendly one with the big curly hair back around 93.

[Lennox]

No. And I liked Rhonda. Didn't she die? Is that who I'm thinking of?

[Alden]

Yes. Car crash, I think.

[Lennox]

Right. Tragic. I remember seeing the obituary. Grace, actually. I don't think she ever spoke about her again.

[Alden]

She did send a floral arrangement when she heard about the funeral. White roses. I remember helping her pick them out. So who would she turn now? She hasn't been with anyone in ages.

[Lennox]

She's spoken highly of the woman she.

[Alden]

Works with, the coworker.

[Lennox]

I guess she blushes when she brings her up.

[Alden]

No.

[Lennox]

Have you been paying attention? Yes.

[Alden]

I should get new glasses.

[Lennox]

She's sweet on her. At least a little.

[Alden]

Can't trust a vampire with emotions.

[Lennox]

Don't play on old tropes. I'm just saying, something has happened. Grace is in a tizzy. That call made my hair stand on end.

[Alden]

Now you're making me nervous.

[Lennox]

Sorry.

[Alden]

It's all right. Let's just try calling her again. I want to know what's happening.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Is there some sort of onboarding for this?

[Grace Hawthorne]

I don't have a PowerPoint presentation readied, if that's what you mean. What do you want to know?

[Beatrice Ashe]

What a hilariously huge question. I still barely believe that any of this has happened, but I. You know, there's a lot I'd like to know more about.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Well, we have a lot of time. An eternity, one could say.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Okay, I can't handle. I can't handle the thought of that right now. All right, let's start small. God, this feels stupid.

[Grace Hawthorne]

You'll adjust.

[Beatrice Ashe]

All right. Vampires have lore. There are rules.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Everything's got rules.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Yeah, but it's things like, okay, sunlight hurts, but it doesn't make me turn to ash. Not immediately, anyways.

[Grace Hawthorne]

No, but you'll want to wear long sleeves if you're going out during the day. And a hat. Oh, you know, I have some wonderful hats you can borrow.

[Beatrice Ashe]

I'm not really a hat person.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Said like someone who's never been to a milliner.

[Beatrice Ashe]

I'm not even entirely sure what that is.

[Grace Hawthorne]

I know a wonderful one. I'll send her a text. You'll love her. Besides, I think you'd look incredible in something a little slouchy.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Grace, come on.

[Grace Hawthorne]

It would clearly match your attitude.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Fine, fine. We'll go hat making.

[Grace Hawthorne]

No, you don't make the hat. Cheetahs.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Enough about hats.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Said like someone who's never owned a well made cloche.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Okay, whatever.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Crosses tacky in many contexts, but otherwise, not an issue.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Silver.

[Grace Hawthorne]

That's werewolves.

[Beatrice Ashe]

It's both.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Regardless, not an issue. Which is good for me because I have never liked how gold looks against my skin tone.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Okay, are there plants I can't be around? I assume garlic is fine.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Ooh.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Seriously?

[Grace Hawthorne]

It won't kill you, but it will make you sick. Sorry.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Yeah. This is the second worst news I've gotten today.

[Grace Hawthorne]

It's not like you'll need food to live.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Yeah, but I enjoy it. I like to cook.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Maybe replace it with onions.

[Beatrice Ashe]

All right, all right. Okay, Okay. I don't know, like, I assume a stake through the heart or a beheading can kill me, but that kills anything, so not really a huge leap.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Yeah. Oh. Beware of oleander.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Like the plant?

[Grace Hawthorne]

Yes. It can cause symptoms.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Okay, what are we talking here? Are we talking mild headaches, rash, bleeding out of the eyeballs?

[Grace Hawthorne]

It's poisonous to regular humans, but for us, dizziness, weakness? It'll make you feel drunk, but bad drunk.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Can I still get drunk?

[Grace Hawthorne]

If you drink enough, you can for a short bit, but it wears off quite quickly.

[Beatrice Ashe]

All right, that's not too bad.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Oh, and you have to be invited in.

[Beatrice Ashe]

I'm sorry, what now?

[Grace Hawthorne]

You can't enter a space that's claimed without an invitation.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Is that why you always had me head into a house first?

[Grace Hawthorne]

Yes. You adapt. You learn.

[Beatrice Ashe]

How old are you?

[Grace Hawthorne]

Actually, no.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Theoretically. Tell me. As if this is some sort of age double slit experiment.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Let's just say I've lived lifetimes.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Oh, all right, cool. You'll have to give me your skin care tips.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Oh. Lots of water, retinol, Being undead. Vaseline over moisturizer every night.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Wonderful.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Look, there's a lot to take in. I don't want you to feel too overwhelmed right off the bat.

[Beatrice Ashe]

That right? Like vampire?

[Grace Hawthorne]

No, like this.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Okay. Please tell me that I don't need to get a rabies shot to hang around you.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Even if I could give you rabies, you wouldn't die from it. I don't think.

[Beatrice Ashe]

You don't think?

[Grace Hawthorne]

I never tried. Oh, and don't worry about shape shifting just yet. That takes a bit of practice. I'm sure you'll be fine, though. You're a quick learner.

[Beatrice Ashe]

So. So am I immortal?

[Grace Hawthorne]

In the sense that you're not going to die of old age? Yes.

[Beatrice Ashe]

That's. No, No. I don't want to go into that anymore right now. That is too much to wrap my head around at this moment. I don't want to think about it.

[Grace Hawthorne]

It's okay. It's okay. It just takes time. It'll make sense eventually, Grace.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Why people die every day. Why couldn't you have just called for help?

[Grace Hawthorne]

Because it would never have gotten here in time. And I didn't think this was the way you should go, bleeding out on the office floor. I wanted better for you, and I thought that this will at least give you time.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Fine. Fine. I'll put a pin in it and I'll. Am I really never going to be able to enjoy the sun again?

[Grace Hawthorne]

I can't be. Again. To describe what moonlight will feel like on your skin. Once you're settled, we can. We can go for a walk. You've healed, but you had many wounds. And I know you look the same, but your body has changed. For a while, you won't know your own strength. You might feel like. Like a puppy growing into oversized paws.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Don't patronize me.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Maybe that was a poor choice of words, but the fact remains, you are in the process of becoming something that comes with growing pains. Speaking of. Did you eat? You will need to eat.

[Beatrice Ashe]

What if I don't? What if I just want to lie down on the floor and die like I was supposed to?

[Grace Hawthorne]

You can do whatever you want. Lie there. Ossify. But I will say this to you now. It is not as bad as you think. It will be difficult. A challenge at first, but really not as hard as you think it will be. Your mind may push against it. Your body, though it will crave. Eventually, your mind will come to meet it as well. You can either fight it or accept it. Fighting it. Noble. Maybe in a foolish way. It will hurt, though. It will feel like your skin is being peeled from your body. But you won't die. You will just suffer. You can choose that, Bea. I can't stop you. I can't Recommend it, though.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Do you have someone you bleed when you're feeling peckish? Who's, like, chained up in the basement?

[Grace Hawthorne]

Things have changed in the last century. No one needs to die so we can feed. No one even needs to suffer. Here. I can bring you another blood bag.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Don't you need to eat if you don't want to be my keeper. Stop telling me what to do.

[Grace Hawthorne]

I am just trying to. Fine. Eat. Or don't. Do as you like. Just please don't get it on the wallpaper again.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Right. My stomach gnaws at me. It radiates through my body, and I cannot bring myself to look at the bag on the table. It just makes me ravenous. Okay, Grace, I. I feel like I should say thank you or something for what you did, but I don't know if I'm there yet. I'm. I'm not mad. I know my other option was to just die. So. I understand why you did this. And somewhere deep down, I think if I had been in the same position, I probably would have done the same thing. So.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Thank you for saying that. We're going to find the person that tried to kill you.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Hmm. This is going to sound really weird, but your touch feels different.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Oh. Oh, of course it does. Can I ask what it feels like? Hmm.

[Beatrice Ashe]

There's sort of a light buzz. It's like putting your hand into a tub of ball bearings.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Interesting. The experience, your description.

[Beatrice Ashe]

It's hard to explain.

[Grace Hawthorne]

You'll learn that if you touch a regular human, they'll feel all kinds of fun things. But when a vampire touches another vampire, it's a whole other experience.

[Beatrice Ashe]

It's a nice feeling. So do we. Do we go back to the office, look around?

[Grace Hawthorne]

Hmm. Well, the sun will be going down shortly.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Okay. I want to go back to the office.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Are you sure?

[Beatrice Ashe]

Yes. I need to see where it happened. We return to the office to see if we can find any hints of who did this at the scene of the crime. It's weird to call it that. Not that it isn't, but that it's this thing that happened to me, and I am the victim, and this is a thing that has to be solved. And as we walk in, I am suddenly hit by this wall of fear. I knew I would feel trepidation coming back. But walking back in, I am overwhelmed by the smell of blood. My blood in the air. It's disgusting. It is horrifying. It's beautiful. And that feeling makes my stomach lurch. Although I cannot tell if it's because I'm Revolted. Or if it's because I'm starving. God, I'm starving. But that's immediately replaced again by the fear. The energy in the room still shimmers like a too hot day. Harsh and unforgiving. It's all very fresh. Like walking in after an explosion. The sound gone, but the dust still thick in the air. Oh my God.

[Grace Hawthorne]

I think this floor will need refinishing.

[Beatrice Ashe]

She was right. I wouldn't have survived. Are you just gonna call a guy and be like, sorry, I was slaughtering a deer in here and it got away from me?

[Grace Hawthorne]

What do you think I'm the only vampire in Toronto? But don't worry, I have a guy for this. Actually, I should have someone in tomorrow if Chris is available.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Do you ruin floors often?

[Grace Hawthorne]

No, but I have a network of people who will do the things that need to be done. Discretion pays well.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Makes sense. Okay.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Okay.

[Beatrice Ashe]

So here's where I was. I clearly had moved from the desk. The mental image of what happened feels blurry, even though it was so recent. The adrenaline and the pain form a film over everything. And all I can remember are the most random pieces. The sound of my strained breathing. The creaking of the wooden floors beneath us. The smell of cologne, thick and cloying, heavy on his skin. I heard the door open. A man stood in the doorway. I didn't recognize him.

[Grace Hawthorne]

And you're sure it was a man?

[Beatrice Ashe]

Yeah. Yes. He was tall. He had on a coat and a medical mask on his face. And he was also. He was wearing a scarf, which I thought was weird cause it's warm out, it was red and I think he had brown hair or black hair or. I don't remember.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Just keep working through the memory.

[Beatrice Ashe]

He came in and he stood here. And I could smell him. That's what I remember. I could smell cologne. It was like thick and it smelled familiar. I don't know, I don't remember why. But it did. And I asked him if I could help him and he didn't say anything. And he looked from me over to here.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Which means he was looking at my office.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Yes, but you were out. So the desk was empty. And then he turned to me and he locked eyes and he charged at me and then.

[Grace Hawthorne]

That's good, you don't have to keep going. It's quite something self explanatory from there. The only question is, how did you end up this far from your desk?

[Beatrice Ashe]

A good question. But everything is a haze. I was crawling towards him, away from him. I don't remember. But I knew I was crawling.

[Grace Hawthorne]

There's tracks here. Here. He walked around tracking blood everywhere. He's moving quickly, trying to find something. Are you sure you were at your desk when he came in?

[Beatrice Ashe]

Yes, I was writing an email, and I remember looking over my laptop at him.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Do you remember getting up? Did you make any moves once the attack started?

[Beatrice Ashe]

I. Yeah, I must have. Yeah. Yeah, I must have. I don't know. It's just a blur.

[Grace Hawthorne]

There's blood here.

[Beatrice Ashe]

That looks like spatter from the attack, but this. This is new. There's blood on the business cards.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Huh. He took a card.

[Beatrice Ashe]

What, like a. Like a fucking token? A little memento? Is he going to call me and report my own murder? There's a thumbprint on the plastic holder that keeps both of our business cards. On the top of each stack, there's a drop of blood. He took both of our cards. And somehow that only makes this feel worse. I might have changed my cell phone number.

[Lennox]

Fuck.

[Grace Hawthorne]

We'll monitor it. If this piece of shit reaches out, I want to be ready to respond.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Why would he take a card?

[Grace Hawthorne]

Proof that he's been here.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Is the blood not enough?

[Grace Hawthorne]

It's curious.

[Beatrice Ashe]

So he took a souvenir.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Could be taking a little treat to remind him of a job well done. You.

[Beatrice Ashe]

You think he was hired?

[Grace Hawthorne]

This feels premeditated. Planned.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Okay, but why?

[Grace Hawthorne]

I don't know. But I think the answers we're looking for might prove to be more elusive than tracking down a lone, angry man with a knife.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Do you think you were the intended target?

[Grace Hawthorne]

I think it's a possibility. But to be thorough, let me ask you a few things. Do you have any history of violent or vindictive exes?

[Beatrice Ashe]

I had a girlfriend who was a real piece of work, but she's long gone, so aside from that, no.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Any past experiences involving organized crime, drug trafficking?

[Beatrice Ashe]

No.

[Grace Hawthorne]

I'm not honey trapping you. I just need you to be honest. If there's anything unseen, savory in your history.

[Beatrice Ashe]

There's nothing. I smoked some weed in high school. I once did MDMA at a club, and I hated it. I broke a car window with a basketball when I was a kid. And I didn't tell anyone, so I doubt that guy has been biting his time, waiting to just seek revenge.

[Grace Hawthorne]

I know people who have done more for less, but I'll admit it's unlikely. Money issues?

[Beatrice Ashe]

Just the usual of rent too expensive, everything too expensive.

[Grace Hawthorne]

No loan sharks, then enemies, people you've pissed off. Anything?

[Beatrice Ashe]

No, Grace, I don't have any sort of dark past. I don't have any of the Sopranos coming after me because I got in Tony's way or whatever. I don't know. I didn't watch the show. I don't have hbo.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Yeah, neither do I. I've heard it's about psychiatry and ducks, but. Anyway, keep thinking about it. If anyone comes to mind, please let me know.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Are there people who'd want to kill you?

[Grace Hawthorne]

Yes. You live long enough, you don't make as many friends as you do. Individuals willing to, for lack of a better phrase, stab you in the back.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Are you going to elaborate on this?

[Grace Hawthorne]

No. But I will make a few phone calls.

[Beatrice Ashe]

As she walks around the room, something I've never noticed about her is that she never gets sweaty. I've never seen her wipe the sweat off her forehead or even look a little clammy. If she's nervous, she doesn't wear it on her body. And if she's lying, well, I guess I just have to figure that out another way.

[Grace Hawthorne]

You're right. A good professional would have staked out the office ahead of time. They would have known that I wasn't here when they came in. So either they were a subpar hitman or they weren't hired to kill me. Maybe they were hired to send me a message. I just don't know what that message means. Not yet. Anyone who's spoken to me over the last couple of years knows that we work together. Someone might have been trying to hurt me through you. And if that's the case, I will obliterate them and then put them back together piece by agonizing piece, just so I can fucking obliterate them again.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Her eyes lock onto me and then dart away, eventually drifting back over to the blood pool on the floor. Alright, let's take some pictures and then finish up here. Because I can't handle being in this space much longer. It is stressing me out.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Yeah, I've got a few photos. I'll grab a few more. And tomorrow my guy will be in to redo these floors. It'll be like more. None of this ever happened.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Yeah, except for the vampirism.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Yeah. Yeah, except for. Except for that.

[Beatrice Ashe]

What I'm not saying to her is this. My chest hurts, my body aches from hungers I can't even begin to describe. But I know that if I don't concentrate, I will become floppy. Start stumbling, and I don't want to do that. I can't. Keep your head up. Shoulders back. Move forward. Don't look afraid. Why am I doing this? I don't know, maybe it's to stop the constant screaming in my brain that I don't know how to even start thinking about what comes next. How things have changed. How am I going to explain this to my parents? I can't think about them right now. I can't. I just gotta think about something else. Can you just. Can you drive me home? I don't trust myself to drive right now.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Are you sure?

[Beatrice Ashe]

Yeah. I just want to go home. Unless it's easier for me to turn into a bat and just fly back.

[Grace Hawthorne]

I would not recommend that just yet. It's hard to control. Besides, turning into many small things is difficult.

[Beatrice Ashe]

How do you do it?

[Grace Hawthorne]

You have to focus. Understand how the pieces of your body can be twisted into other shapes.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Right?

[Grace Hawthorne]

It's like finding all the sections where your form can be taken apart. Not like a broken vase, but like a puzzle. Something that can be put back together. You just. You need to find the key within and turn it. Oh, shit.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Bea.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Bea.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Oh, good God.

[Grace Hawthorne]

This is too soon. Bea, concentrate. I need you to concentrate on your form. Focus.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Oh, holy shit.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Are you alright?

[Beatrice Ashe]

I totally.

[Grace Hawthorne]

I told you that you're not ready. It's too soon to be trying such things.

[Beatrice Ashe]

How do you do anything with that many eyes?

[Grace Hawthorne]

It's a challenge.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Oh, God.

[Grace Hawthorne]

It's all right.

[Beatrice Ashe]

I want bugs. I want a moth. Give me a moth.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Yeah. The first few times are quite disorienting. Deep breaths.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Holy shit. That was. I was bats. All of me bats.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Yes. It's both very useful and incredibly inconvenient.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Ah. Stop it. Stop. My leg thinks it's a wing. Stop.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Once you get the hang of it, it can be quite fun.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Grace. Just drive me home. Standing in the bathroom back at my place, I take a good hard look at myself for the first time since it all happened. I keep expecting something different. Some big change. Red eyes, taut and shiny skin. Leathery ears resembling bat wings. I have to admit, I was never much into vampire media. Not really my style. I was always more of a science fiction girl. But turns out it's all weirder Earthside than I ever could have guessed. My hair looks nice, though, which is odd because all I did was awkwardly wash out some of the blood still crusted in it. It's smooth and knotless, which is shocking because normally my hair tangles if you breathe on it too hard. So I guess I'll take the change. My teeth look nice too, but there's no obvious fangs. Do they pop out on request? My mouth feels sharp under my tongue as I explore it, but overall, I just look like I'd taken a shower and put on my makeup. Recently, I tried eating a granola bar when I got home, and it tasted fine, but flat. It left my mouth dry and uncomfortable. There was no satisfaction in it, not like before. And every time Grace puts her hand on me, it's like there's a thousand friendly bumblebees under my skin. I kind of want to see how this works on someone else. No, that. No, that's nuts. Nuts. Stay the course. Figure this out. Maybe another day.

[Grace Hawthorne]

I dug out a bottle of wine from your cabinet. Amarone. You have good taste.

[Beatrice Ashe]

It was a gift from you, I think.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Ah, that explains it. I have good taste.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Is this now just like drinking expensive water?

[Grace Hawthorne]

Well, water isn't ripe, raisiny and full bodied. Besides, it won't turn to ash in your mouth and you won't wake up with a headache tomorrow.

[Beatrice Ashe]

I don't know. The thought of that kinda fills me with dread.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Don't worry. I won't make a toast. That would feel a little ghoulish. Ignore the possible pun there.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Gladly.

[Grace Hawthorne]

I do have one more thing I'd like to talk to you about.

[Beatrice Ashe]

In my head, I'm imagining you firing me right now for my clear failure and not getting stabbed at the workplace.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Well, I mean, that will be on your quarterly review, but. No, no, no. You did well today. It was a high stress situation to go back, and you handled yourself nicely. And previous times out in the field, you've been a good detective.

[Beatrice Ashe]

I've mostly just watched dudes cheat on their wives and take photos.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Yes, but you've never flinched. You've always been up for a challenge. I like that.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Thank you.

[Grace Hawthorne]

I think it's time you got a promotion.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Really? This is all it took?

[Grace Hawthorne]

You've shown talent growth over the last year or so. Plus you've got some new skills that will come in handy.

[Beatrice Ashe]

She puts her hand on my shoulder. And it's like my arm is going to buzz off of my body. And then a flash. A pain in my skull. Like something is trying to push its way out through the occipital bone. For a split second, I see myself lying on the floor, bleeding, dying. As if I am outside my own body and reaching for it. A hand, soft and gentle, reaches for mine. In the dream. In real life, I realize that Grace is now holding my hand. Looking at me with. With a deeply furrowed brow. Concern. Questions.

[Grace Hawthorne]

What's wrong?

[Beatrice Ashe]

I. Nothing. Sorry. I think I'm just reliving things that I don't want to relive.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Tell me what you saw.

[Beatrice Ashe]

I am not ready to.

[Grace Hawthorne]

All right, in due time. But yes, we will need to talk about updating your role in the office.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Does this come with a pension plan?

[Grace Hawthorne]

If you'd like.

[Beatrice Ashe]

I. I'll think about it.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Which part of it?

[Beatrice Ashe]

The pension, mostly. I feel like the payout's gonna be very delayed, but I will take the promotion.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Excellent. We can iron out the details when we're back at the office. I think you could use the day off.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Oh, boy. Can't wait to spend my day googling vampire lore and myths. This should only go well.

[Grace Hawthorne]

You do that. Also know that most things are wrong. Just shoot me a text if you have any questions.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Yeah, I'm going to have about a million.

[Grace Hawthorne]

That's fine.

[Beatrice Ashe]

There's just one thing I want to find out right now, and that is who did this and why.

[Grace Hawthorne]

That is pressing and concerning.

[Beatrice Ashe]

It's a lot of things.

[Grace Hawthorne]

That's certainly the main thing we should deal with. But we have one other thing that is quite prescient. You being promoted changes things.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Ah.

[Grace Hawthorne]

We need to hire a new assistant. In the dream, it is winter. Winter? I'm standing at the edge of a cemetery on a gently sloping hill, pockmarked with gray stone. A breeze picks up a layer of powdery snow, the flakes creating spirals in the night air. There's a presence here, one I have not felt in many years, one that I am not pleased but not surprised to sense. Lennox, the vampire who turned me stands behind me, radiating a tang of freshly spilled metallic blood.

[Lennox]

You were born here in this cemetery. You remember, don't you?

[Grace Hawthorne]

It's not a particularly happy memory.

[Lennox]

So why'd you do it? Why put someone else through the change? I thought I'd talk about.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Get out of my head.

[Lennox]

That's not what you really want, is it? You have questions. Ask them.

[Grace Hawthorne]

Did you do this, Lennox? Did you kill Be?

[Lennox]

What reason would I have to harm that poor little girl? Besides, do you have any proof?

[Grace Hawthorne]

He puts his hand on my shoulder and I tense, my body torn between repulsion and the grounding of a familiar touch. I don't know. But if this was you, I am going to prove it. And I am going to make you pay.

[Lennox]

If this were me, I would enjoy watching you try. Woodbine is an original podcast created, written and produced by Alex Nursal and Emily Kellogg. Show running and direction by Alex Nursal Production and promotion by Emily Kellogg Engineering and sound design by Ian Boddy Theme by Phil Wright Music by Phil Wright and Ian Boddy. Recorded at Pirate Sound. Artwork by Andy Kelly. Distributed by Realm. You can find us on Instagram at woodbinepodcast. Support us on [e-mail] parkdalehaunt transcripts, links and more are available at woodbinepod.com featuring the voices of Alex Nursal, Emily Kellogg, Taylor Davis, Harlan Guthrie and Rob Diovald.

[Grace Hawthorne]

The Fable and Folly Network where fiction.

[Kate]

Producers flourish Friends half orcs, countrymen, lend me your pointy ears. Of Mice and Men and Monsters is a podcast which combines the art and beauty of classic literature with the fun of Dungeons and Dragons roleplay. These episodes are led by me, Kate, your master teacher, which is Dungeon Master meets high school English teacher. We take on quests in these fascinating worlds, meeting and adventuring with the greatest literary characters of all time, solving puzzles set up by the dubious Dr. Frankenstein.

[Lennox]

One eye is over there and the other eye is Rod, over there, hunting.

[Kate]

Moby Dick alongside Captain Ahab.

[Beatrice Ashe]

I rolled a one.

[Lennox]

Oh, you rolled a one.

[Kate]

Of Mice and Men and Monsters is a faithful yet irreverent way to interact with the stories which have influenced us for centuries. Plus, it's a much more exciting way to experience literature than writing an essay. Essays don't have swords which burst into flame or poop monsters hiding in toilets.

[Beatrice Ashe]

Got some poop for me?

[Kate]

A new episode of Of Mice and Men and Monsters is released every other Wednesday. Wherever you listen to podcasts.