Belly Laughs with Jared Freid

Summary

Podcast Summary: Detox Retox with Tom Schwartz – Episode: "Belly Laughs with Jared Freid"

Release Date: August 5, 2025

---

Introduction: The Healing Power of Laughter

In this engaging episode of Detox Retox with Tom Schwartz, host Tom Schwartz welcomes comedian and podcaster Jared Freid for a lively discussion centered around the profound impact of laughter on our well-being. Opening with a philosophical inquiry, Jared questions listeners on their recent experiences with hearty, soul-soothing laughter, emphasizing its role as a free, fast-acting remedy devoid of side effects.

Jared Freid [00:13]: "Guys, what is up? ... When is the last time you had a good old-fashioned deep belly laugh, like so hard it hurts and you can't breathe laugh?"

Jared delves into the science behind laughter, referencing the Mayo Clinic to explain how laughter activates the frontal lobe and triggers a cascade of positive neurological responses, including the release of endorphins and dopamine while reducing stress hormones like cortisol.

Jared Freid [02:15]: "Laughter is like your body's little built-in stress relief and mood elevator."

---

Jared Freid’s Comedy Journey: The Grind and Glory

The conversation shifts to Jared's career in stand-up comedy, where he shares insights into the relentless dedication required to hone his craft. He discusses the modern challenges comedians face, such as the saturation of the platform with both talented and less skilled performers, exacerbated by the rise of digital media.

Jared Freid [10:15]: "With more people doing stand-up than ever, it’s hard to stand out because the skills vary so widely."

Jared emphasizes the importance of persistence, practice, and the willingness to embrace failure as integral components of growth in the comedy world. He recounts experiences of bombing on stage and how these moments are essential for improving his material and performance.

Jared Freid [14:32]: "If you don't bomb, you're not trying. You have to put your ego aside to become a better comedian."

---

Travel and Tour Life: Balancing the Road and Self-Care

A significant portion of the episode explores the demanding lifestyle of touring comedians. Jared outlines his daily regimen while on tour, highlighting the physical and mental endurance required to perform nightly shows across various cities. He discusses the strategies he employs to stay prepared, such as meticulous set list planning, self-reflection, and maintaining a healthy routine amidst the chaos of travel.

Jared Freid [50:30]: "I usually unpack, get my toiletries ready, then head out to write a set list for the night. It’s about staying organized and focused."

Jared candidly shares his less-than-ideal experiences traveling alone, including his stint in Australia where he struggled with isolation and unmet expectations, providing a humorous yet honest take on the realities of solo travel.

Jared Freid [43:58]: "I jumped into the snorkel, never having snorkeled before, and thought, 'Is this it? Is this what life is supposed to be?'"

---

Relationships and the Reality of Being Single in Your 40s

The dialogue takes a vulnerable turn as Jared and Tom discuss the intricacies of being single in one's 40s. Jared opens up about his own experiences with relationships, divorce, and the societal pressures that come with age and singlehood. He advocates for embracing one's story and the importance of honesty and vulnerability in dating.

Jared Freid [31:06]: "At 35 and above, on a date, there should be a 'What the fuck happened here?' moment. It's okay. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with either of you."

Jared addresses the common fears and misconceptions surrounding relationships later in life, encouraging listeners to own their narratives and seek meaningful connections without self-deprecation.

---

Modern Culture and Social Media: Navigating Cancel Culture and Moral High Grounds

The conversation touches upon the pervasive influence of social media and the concept of cancel culture. Jared expresses skepticism about the existence of true cancel culture, arguing that social platforms often amplify moral superiority rather than fostering genuine discourse.

Jared Freid [52:16]: "We're living in a puritan times because you have to be. The morally supreme will always beat you."

Both host and guest reflect on how these cultural dynamics affect personal interactions and the comedy scene, emphasizing the need for empathy and understanding in an increasingly polarized world.

---

Dating Dynamics: The "Ick" Phenomenon and Its Comedic Potential

A standout segment of the episode explores Jared's popular comedy bit on "The Ick," inspired by the reality show Love Island UK. Jared explains how this concept resonated with him and became a cornerstone of his Netflix special, "37 and Single." He shares anecdotes of collecting real-life "icks" from audiences across the country, turning these experiences into relatable and humorous material.

Jared Freid [65:06]: "I started going around the country asking people their exes and their icks. These are real ones yelled out at me on stage."

The bit not only garners laughs but also sparks conversations about the nuances of dating and personal preferences, showcasing Jared's talent for blending personal insight with comedic storytelling.

---

Closing Thoughts & Future Plans: Continuing the Laughter Journey

As the episode concludes, Jared promotes his upcoming tour and Netflix special, "37 and Single," encouraging listeners to catch his performances and support his work. He also highlights his involvement in the "UWA Podcast," a dating-focused show co-hosted with Betches, aimed at providing honest and unfiltered discussions on modern dating from both male and female perspectives.

Jared Freid [73:44]: "Check out the tour. Jaredfree.com. My special '37 and Single' is on Netflix until August 13th. Watch it now."

Jared leaves listeners with a humorous nod to ancient humor, sharing one of the oldest known fart jokes from Sumerian texts, underscoring the timeless nature of comedy.

Jared Freid [80:08]: "A young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."

He wraps up the episode by expressing heartfelt gratitude to the audience for tuning in, promising more laughter and adventures in future episodes.

---

Notable Quotes and Timestamps:

• Jared Freid [00:13]: "When is the last time you had a good old-fashioned deep belly laugh, like so hard it hurts and you can't breathe laugh?"
• Jared Freid [02:15]: "Laughter floods your brain with the feel-good chemicals."
• Jared Freid [10:15]: "With more people doing stand-up than ever, it’s hard to stand out because the skills vary so widely."
• Jared Freid [14:32]: "If you don't bomb, you're not trying. You have to put your ego aside to become a better comedian."
• Jared Freid [31:06]: "At 35 and above, on a date, there should be a 'What the fuck happened here?' moment. It's okay."
• Jared Freid [43:58]: "I jumped into the snorkel, never having snorkeled before, and thought, 'Is this it? Is this what life is supposed to be?'"
• Jared Freid [50:30]: "I usually unpack, get my toiletries ready, then head out to write a set list for the night. It’s about staying organized and focused."
• Jared Freid [52:16]: "We're living in puritan times because you have to be. The morally supreme will always beat you."
• Jared Freid [65:06]: "I started going around the country asking people their exes and their icks. These are real ones yelled out at me on stage."
• Jared Freid [73:44]: "Check out the tour. Jaredfree.com. My special '37 and Single' is on Netflix until August 13th. Watch it now."
• Jared Freid [80:08]: "A young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."

---

Conclusion: Embracing Laughter and Life’s Contrasts

This episode of Detox Retox with Tom Schwartz masterfully intertwines humor with deep, relatable discussions on personal growth, the art of comedy, and the human condition. Jared Freid's candidness and comedic ingenuity offer listeners both laughter and introspection, embodying the podcast's core mission of finding harmony amidst life's contrasts. Whether you're a comedy enthusiast, someone navigating the complexities of modern relationships, or simply seeking a good laugh, this episode delivers a rich tapestry of insights and genuine conversation.

Transcript

[Tom Schwartz]

Foreign for your weekly detox with Tom Schwartz.

[Jared Freed]

Guys, what is up? Welcome to another episode of Detox Retox. We're keeping it together so we can fall apart responsibly. Mindfully, we're not going to feel bad about feeling good. All that jazz. You guys, I want to check in for real. I want to ask you, when is the last time you had a good old fashioned deep belly laugh, like so hard it hurts and you can't breathe laugh. I'm talking like, you know, laughter induced hypoxia. I want to be gasping for air after one of those laughs so hard no sound comes out. Laughs, yeah, those are the best. But I'm asking you guys, I know we're living, I know we're lovin', but are we laughing enough? I'm asking you. They say laughter is the best medicine. Let's explore that a little bit. It's free, it's fast acting and it doesn't have any side effects. It's the best medicine. Okay, let's say maybe you just watched for the first time Peanut butter baby on Vine.

[Tom Schwartz]

Does it feel good?

[Jared Freed]

Or maybe if you're lucky, you are watching Vanderpump Rules for the first time and it's season five, episode 17, my Bachelor Bachelorette Party in New Orleans. And you hear this.

[Tom Schwartz]

He's a. He's a battered wife. Look at him. Look at him.

[Jared Freed]

Yeah, yeah, I know. Hear me out on this one. I'm sorry I don't have a sound bite of an old guy farting in a bathroom, so you'll have to take my word on this one. But it's one of the great simple pleasures in life. It's almost impossible not to laugh. The more you hold it in, the funnier it is. But yeah, man, it feels good to laugh. You needed that. You feel better now? Little lighter on your feet? Good. Deep belly laugh. Maybe that check engine light flat tire combo isn't the end of the world after all. Yeah, that felt good. You self medicated laughter is the best medicine. And if only for a moment, you feel cured. But how does it work? What's the science behind laughter and its medicinal effects, if you will? Well, okay, let's just say. Let's just say you saw someone slip on a banana peel. Classic slapstick. Good shit. Your frontal lobe activates. Okay. According to the Mayo Clinic, your frontal lobe activates, which is like, responsible for interpreting information. And, and it processes the input and determines whether or not. That was hilarious. I thought it was. I deemed it funny. So this information triggers like an emotional response in your limbic system, which is the brain's emotional control center, which activates the motor cortex. The motor cortex then sends signals that lead to the physical manifestations of laughter. A deep belly laugh. So yeah, man, there's all kinds of benefits to having a good old fashioned laugh. I mean, it floods your brain with the feel good chemicals. We talked about those earlier. Endorphins, dopamine. I'll take two, please.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Yes.

[Jared Freed]

Lowers stress hormones such as cortisol. Fuck you. Cortisol also relaxes your muscles, improves blood flow, boost your oxygen intake. All that good stuff leaves you a little calmer, more Zen, little lighter on your feet, a little more resilient, little more capable of dealing with whatever life throws at you. Yeah, it's like your body's little built in. Stress relief and mood elevator. That's right. We love a good laugh. So today I hope you laugh. I hope you laugh as much as I did during my interview with Jared Freed, comedian, podcaster. You might know him from U up J Train. He's podcast royalty. I'm gonna call him the Medicine man because he made me laugh and I felt better when I left his hotel, the Beverly Wilshire. Very Chicago. Didn't love that $40 Bloody Mary. But yeah, I'm still kind of new to this podcast world and we talk about this, but I laughed off mic.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

A lot, you guys.

[Jared Freed]

Is it annoying to laugh too much into the mic? Sometimes when I'm listening to a podcast, if someone's laughing the whole time, it kind of like sends me into a psychosis and I listen. That's what this episode's all about. I love contagious laughter. I love laughter. But sometimes if it's too much, I guess I got neurotic about it.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

We talk about it, but yeah, I.

[Jared Freed]

Could have sat down and chatted with Jared for days. Very grateful for his time. Thank you again. He has such like a smooth, seamless narrative. He's a great storyteller. I could listen to him talk all day and he's gonna tell some stories.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Some really good ones.

[Jared Freed]

I hope you laugh as much as I did. Alright, let's just get into it. Here we go. Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, Jared Freed.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

We're doing it. Jared Reed. What's going on in the hotel Beverly Hills? That's right, it's 10:00am do you hate me for making you do this?

[Tom Schwartz]

No, 10am is a great time to do a podcast.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Thank you.

[Tom Schwartz]

I think. Well, also when I travel, I live on the east coast. Yeah, when you go east coast to west coast, the day is yours. Like, I call it billionaire time.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Tom Schwartz]

Because you know when like billionaires do interviews and they're like, I wake up at 4am and that's when I do my reading for the day and get my emails off. And I'm always like watching those interviews. Like, man, I gotta get up at 4am and then you get here and you wake up at like 6 and it's really 9 but I'm like, look at me. I'm like a successful guy who does things early, you know. So I love being this side of the world.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

So do you love how you feel about la? Do you love la? Do you.

[Tom Schwartz]

I love the food. The food here is the best. Yeah. LA as like a. I don't, I have bad taste in my mouth from la. Like, I don't think it's for me. I don't generally like, like, if someone was attracted to la, like, I'm always like, it's always. To me it's like a very specific brand of person that comes here, you know, like, and it's like, it's like the person that like took a lot of glee and happiness out of being able to sit at every table in the cafeteria. Like that they. And you know, they're like working the room, but they're like 14 years old. You're like, why are you a maitre d? Why are you the host of this cafeteria, the restaurant here? And, and I think they all. So it's like, you know, a lot is made as a good looking people move here. But I think like people who grift move here.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Yeah, people who grift. Prom kings, prom queens, big fish from small ponds.

[Tom Schwartz]

Right, right. And like the people who like how, you know, how did I end up doing their homework? You know, like they've convinced, you know, they're in the AP classes, but they don't have the ability to do the AP work. You know, like they're good talkers. They figure out their, they're figuring out their way. They're doing everything. They're working really hard not to work.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

This is starting to feel pointed. Is this about me?

[Tom Schwartz]

Not about you.

[Jared Freed]

I.

[Tom Schwartz]

When people sometimes. And, and I get around that and I'm like, what's the angle? Just like be. I'm. I'm just like, maybe I'm too lazy, you know, I'm like, I'm like, just tell me what, you know, if you don't like me, you know, like I have this thing called the la. No, like if you ask someone from la. Hey, I'm coming to town. I've never had people say no to me in a nicer, more non, no way. But they're saying no to you. So like, hey, I'm coming to town next month. I'm coming to town. I'd love to do your podcast. Like, because I've been doing podcasts for so long. And they'll go, oh my God, I would love to have you on my podcast. Yes, yes. You have to tell me when you're coming. I'll go, well, next month. And they'll go, what are the dates? And I'll be like, I'm coming for the whole month. The month of July. They go, july, my grandmother's dying in July and I'm not gonna be in town. But I, we have to do this, we have to. And it's like, just say you don't want me on your podcast. Just ignore me. Say no, I don't care. Like, I, I, I, I do care. Obviously I'm bringing it up right now. But like, don't waste my time so that you get access to me when you need me.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

It's, it's easy to be incredulous or just like critical. We're an easy target. Low hanging fruit, right? LA is easy to roast.

[Tom Schwartz]

LA is easy to roast because the.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

La, the cliche idea of la, the.

[Tom Schwartz]

Cliche because everyone comes here to put themselves out there. Putting yourself out there is vulnerable and easy to roast. You know, like, that's simple. I, I just like. And it's also like, you want, like wanting to be famous or wanting to like, be a personality. Like, no one looks up to that.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Just for the record, I never wanted to be famous. I just, I just. Why am I feel, why am I feeling attacked?

[Tom Schwartz]

Yeah, it's not you.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Why am I on the defense? I just wanted to be a working actor, man. I didn't want to be famous.

[Tom Schwartz]

How do you feel about that now? Like, like there's, you know, I look at like the acting world and I'm like, there's like three sitcoms.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Well, it's crazy. From a comedian standpoint, I feel like it's a better time than ever to be a performer, an entertainer, a comedian. It's democratized as it was back in the day. What did you have to do? You had to go on tour, hit open mic night and then hopefully get seen, hopefully get a spot on Carson, Leno, Letterman, and then the dream is to get a sitcom. But like now you can just like be in your hotel or you can be in your room, in your car, fire up over ring light and blow up on tick tock and then hit and then hopefully from there get a tour. I'm not saying this is not you.

[Tom Schwartz]

I, I would, I, you know, it's funny. What you're saying is very true. And you know, you have to. I'm a stand up comedian. That's who I am. That is like what I do. So that is to me, my, my substance, you know, that's what I have to provide that maybe someone else can. And I think stand ups right now, like it's hard because you have to keep your eyes on the product. You have to do all these other things. Like you said, you have to have the ring light in your car.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Yes.

[Tom Schwartz]

And have the bit you do that is your sitcom that everyone else knows you from because people knowing you just for stand up, that's very far and few between. Like, that's not a very. People come to your stand up because they know you from, oh, he does this thing or oh, I saw his clips or I like this crowd work. But like the actual, you know, getting people to your act, then the act has to be good. And that takes a lot of work and a lot of persistence and a lot of practice.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

That takes hood spa. Yes, it takes. Yeah, you got to be out there and grind it out on stage.

[Tom Schwartz]

You gotta like work on the bits you gotta write. So right now with stand up, it's funny because like more people are going to stand up than ever. But then there's also more people doing stand up than ever that can't do it, that they don't have the skills.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

It's easy to be funny in the confines of your very cozy bedroom.

[Tom Schwartz]

Right.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

When no one's watching takes.

[Tom Schwartz]

And also doing a version of someone else's joke. Totally. Because like that, that's called, you know, oh, I do the stuff that's trending well. You're not doing your own material now. You gotta go on stage and do your own material. No takes no one try and you gotta perform. And like, you know, what's happening now is like I like, I have a lot of people come up to me at my shows and they're like, dude, this was like fun. My boyfriend like. Cause you just like you. I have a lot of wish women that like follow me, like, you know, they drag the boyfriend. The boyfriend's like, you know, a lot of men feel that they have to be the owners of comedy. They have to like be the one that tells their girlfriend who's funny. Like they have to be the arbiters of. So if they don't find me, they're like, who's this guy if I don't know him, he sucks and he's lying to you. Then they come to show. Oh, he loved it. He actually loved it. And I'm like, yeah, because I'm in the same rooms as the people that he likes and I'm doing the same shows with them. So it's funny because Stan, Stand up is, I love how hard it is and how difficult it is because it's a puzzle I'm always trying to figure out. But, like, that's the prize to me. Doing stand up is the prize.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Yes.

[Tom Schwartz]

I get to do stand up. If I do the podcast with Tom Schwartz and the podcast, you know, with the, the golf guys I'm doing later today or going on, you know, doing my own podcast, which I like doing. But, like, that's not, I, I don't know if that's the dream for me.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Well, you're good at it. Next man, you are. No, no, no. Is there a little party? You, by the way, you have a commanding presence on stage. You have great stage presence and you're funny as hell.

[Tom Schwartz]

Thank you.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Is there a little part of you that likes bombing once in a while? Like a maso, a masochistic part, you know, for growth.

[Tom Schwartz]

Bombing is stand up to me. Like, I don't want to be like too, you know, woo, woo about it.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

But let's get woo woo. It's not a bad word on Detox, right?

[Tom Schwartz]

I, I, it could teach you a lot of lessons. Yeah, it teaches you about hard work. It teaches about, like getting, you know, improving. And you have to bomb to improve. If you're not bombing, you're not trying. You know, if you think of it that way, like, if you don't fail, then did you try? You know, so when I go on stage, I could go on stage and do a 15 minute set. Okay. That's what you do. Like LA and New York to practice. Those are like practice sets. Thursday night I'm gonna do a set in LA. I have a 15 minute time frame. Now, the things going on in my head is one, I don't want a bomb in LA and have all these people who've never seen me, you know, at a club that I'm never at, not even video. No, no, no. They're not gonna. I'm talking about the people who work at the Comedy Store. Like, I'm doing a show at the Comedy Store.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

The people who matter the Most other comedians.

[Tom Schwartz]

Other comedians. Who's this guy? New Yorker. Oh, what's he got? So I don't want to bomb, okay? So I could go off for my 15 minutes and just do material I know works, and no matter where and when and whoever's in front of me. Or I can do five minutes at the beginning I know does well. I can do five minutes at the end I know does well, so I can start strong, finish strong, and then I can do this five minutes in the middle where I get to work on something new and become a better comedian. That's the five minutes where I might bomb, but do I put my ego aside? You know, that's the choices we make. That's what stand up teaches you. Am I gonna be an egomaniac and try and kill for 15 minutes, or am I gonna work on something that makes me a better comedian? So that when someone comes to my shows in Brea this weekend, they go, wow, I laughed for an hour. You know, that's my. I want an hour. Every 10 seconds, I want someone laughing.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

And I think that people enjoy it. Like, I saw Silverman at the Comedy Store not a while back, and she came in with her notepad and her scrubbies, and I love that.

[Tom Schwartz]

Yeah, it's off the cuff. I always get nervous, like, you know, oh, like the notepad on stage. I can't do that because it. It just doesn't work for me. But you do, like. And then some people cry. Oh, they're working on stuff. I'm seeing it new. I'm seeing it fresh out of the oven. Feels raw. It feels raw. I. Raw. Raw, definitely. And. And to me, sometimes the Notebook's a prop, you know, not to talk. I'm just saying, like, that's like, oh, like it. For the comedian, it is a crutch. But it's like, I. I don't. I don't fault the crutch because, you know, instead of having to say, well, that's a new one. That's why it bombed. You go, the Notebook. Everyone sees the Notebook. So if anything bombs here, you see notebook. Okay? They're trying shit. You let them off the hook. So again, I'm not saying there's. I'm not. I guess I'm saying there's something wrong. It's not for me. I feel anytime I've had a notebook on stage, I, like, look at it. I'm like, jared, this isn't you. You're not a fucking writer. Go up and perform and talk some shit. Complain. That's what you do?

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Well, I'm a fan. I go to. I go to comedy shows a lot. I actually, you know, Vinnie Fastline.

[Tom Schwartz]

I don't.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

There was one opportunity I had. I had one chance, one shot. I'm not a comedian. I have no aspirations to be a comedian.

[Tom Schwartz]

But you must get asked to go on stage.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I like performing live. I emcee events and stuff. Sometimes that it's more like kitschy fun. Have some drinks. I do like a five minute bit.

[Tom Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

But I had a chance to emcee at the Improv on Melrose.

[Tom Schwartz]

Okay.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

And I locked in because it's like, I felt like it was disrespectful to aspiring comedians because I was a guy on a reality TV show. So I backed out two nights before I got neurotic about it. I was like, I can't do this. It's like disrespectful to the arts, to.

[Tom Schwartz]

The, you know, you, to me. You know, a lot of comic. You know, the respectful part, if anyone was to say that, dude, be short sighted. And listen, I've been short sighted, so I'm not gonna like, say I'm above that. But like, if a young comic is like, what the fuck, man? I've been doing two years open mics and this guy gets to do a sold out room. But you're the reason it's sold out. So, like, you're a name that brought people in that can help comedians find people. Like, it's like when comedians complain that a YouTuber's on stage at whatever improv, it's like, well, that YouTuber sold tickets for that weekend to keep the Improv open so that other younger comedians can get on stage. And, you know, you have to get Zen about this.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Like, that's what we're trying to do on this podcast.

[Tom Schwartz]

Listen, like, looking for shows up at the Cellar. You know, when Chappelle shows up to the seller, it's very cool for me. By the 10th time he shows up, the seller, I'm like, how did this affect my night? You know, you lose the. The cool factor because I'm a working comedian. I have things I had to do tonight too. I don't live my life for Dave Chappelle.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Tom Schwartz]

So. But I do have to also remember the reason that place is sold out on a Monday night. The comedy seller in New York is because Dave Chappelle's shown up ever. So I have to be thankful to Dave. And if I get cut and they go, jared, you're not going on stage tonight. I have to Put my ego aside and go, yeah, that's. This is the reason I get to work on things on a Monday in the middle of January when no one should fucking be here.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

It's very Zen. It's a great dose of perspective, gratitude.

[Tom Schwartz]

I, I listen, I go back and forth. I, I have this thing called FTG mode, where it's like the first. It's that guy mode, where, like, and I. You have to. I think if you acknowledge it, like, you do that too. I'm sure, like, we're both dudes. We're both, like, you know, guys who are competitive and want nothing more than to be successful. So when someone says to you, tom, have you met. You heard of this guy Jared Freed, and you've never heard of me? You go, well, that guy. Your first reaction is just like, fuck that guy. And then you come back to normalcy, you come back to niceties. You go. Then you look, you look up Jerry. Oh, well, he's working hard. Oh, yeah. Okay, cool. We would vibe. And then you kind of feel bad that you went, fuck that guy. And then I have this in me, you know, So I try to remember. Like, I think, like, you know, right now there's just so much on. We're living in big brother times because online, only the most morally supreme win. So if you're arguing with someone or someone has a problem with you, they can always find a moral high ground. So we are living in puritan times, if you think about it, because you have to be. The morally supreme will always beat you, quote unquote. I mean, I'm not in an argument online, so to even admit. Yeah, ice. You know, anytime I'm presented with someone who does stand up, that I don't know them and I'm like, them is a kind of a difficult thing to do, but it is human. And I think if you don't acknowledge your humanity, then you're lying to yourself.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

At some point. Can we get into, like, your regimen? When you go on Tour, you have 30. Okay. Jared has 30 shows coming up. 30 cities, at least. 30.

[Tom Schwartz]

Right. I love doing stand up, so I go on stage a lot.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

So as far as I'm concerned, you're a professional athlete. I do my little, like, live events. I. My bit lasts four minutes.

[Tom Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

And I drink and I do some trivia, and I need to, like, sleep for three days.

[Tom Schwartz]

It's hard.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

You're a beast.

[Tom Schwartz]

Physically demanding. You wouldn't know it for my body type, but I. I definitely. It's hard. The trout, it's it's hard to explain because I do go hard on State. Like, I, you know, anyone who goes on stage, you have to turn it on. So, like, think of, like, going to a party and you're like, do I have it in me to go around the party and say hello to everyone and be nice and listen to people and, oh, you don't remember. So and so it's like going to a party and locking in for an.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Hour, even if you're proverbially. Proverbially. Proverbially hungover or say, spiritually hungover, right? You have to spiritually puke and rally.

[Tom Schwartz]

You got to get ready. You got to get up even.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Doesn't matter how tired you are. The crowd that came to see you in Jacksonville, they don't give a. That you slept two hours last night, that the girl you're seeing just blocked you, right? And that your mom or dad is sick in the hospital. They don't give a.

[Tom Schwartz]

No, you got to do our. You got to sing, dance, and dust. You gotta, like, you gotta bring it. And. No, it's hard. And it's also hard because, you know, even a podcast, like, we're doing this right now. This is a zoned in a conversation as you probably ever had today. Like. Like, when you talk to a friend, like, we just met, like, you know, but you talk to a friend. You're half on the phone, right? You're on the phone, you're looking at them. You go on your phone, you go back and forth with the people I.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Love the most, by the way, right? I'm barely giving. You're getting. We're giving each other undivided. This is an intimate conversation.

[Tom Schwartz]

That's why sometimes, like, a podcast is about best way to catch up with someone. Like, we shouldn't even plug this in, you know, like, and I do that with friends now, and I'm like, hey, you want to do the podcast? They're like, we only talk on podcasts. I go, I don't think there's a better way for us to talk.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

And it's therapeutic.

[Tom Schwartz]

It is a bit of therapy. And you know the beauty of a podcast listener, because I am a podcast listener, I love podcasts, is that you get to be the fly on the wall. You get to, like, you get to put your lids at half mast, you know, like, you get to, like, kind of shut your eyes and let the other two people go.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I love that you're on a FaceTime with them. You're the fly on the wall for the flies on the wall. I did bring you, by the way.

[Tom Schwartz]

Did you?

[Unnamed Co-Host]

So it's Detox Retox.

[Tom Schwartz]

Okay.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I. I've reached out to Jared. I was Jared, do you want a creation? $20 smoothie? They're premium smoothies. He said, no, I'm good.

[Tom Schwartz]

I'm good.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I had already bought it, but I didn't bring it in. But it's still this. In honor of keeping in theme.

[Tom Schwartz]

I'm sorry. Thank you.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I got you super sexy celery juice with sea moss. Thank you. This is 92 essential minerals.

[Tom Schwartz]

How long have you been here for?

[Unnamed Co-Host]

16 years.

[Tom Schwartz]

16 years. You moved here after college.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I moved here, by the way, just to balance it out, and got a pack of Marbros.

[Tom Schwartz]

Thank you.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Detox Retox.

[Tom Schwartz]

Oh, I love it. I smoked cigarettes in Lisbon on the beach. And it was just a great moment, but also, I have bad lungs. Like, I was born a meconium baby. I don't know if this is a lie. My mom told me so. Meconium. Do you know what this is? So I swallowed my own shit in the womb, and it got into my lungs. Apparently. This is what I was told. I. My parents. My family's not good at lore. We are not good at, like, here's the boat your grandparents got off of. I don't even know. Like, honestly, no one talked about, like, what country we were from. No one talked about that. And then you get these stories that would, like, half stories, so, like, never the full thing. So my mom growing up was like, you, meconium, you almost died as a baby. But also, like, your lungs are bad. This was her way of, like, getting me to not smoke cigarettes.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

You were destined to be funny with that, right? Being born with that ailment, you were destined.

[Tom Schwartz]

Swallowing your own shit is really, like, an origin tale that every comedian, like, that's all I do every night is just eat shit, you know? So I did that right. Right in the womb. My first move was to eat. And I. So I was convinced I couldn't smoke cigarettes to the point where, like, I literally, like, again, in high school, you try to have a cigarette to be a badass. I couldn't even inhale it. Like, I've never been able to. So even I'm on the Lisbon beach trying to look cool, and I'm like, you know, looking like the biggest loser ever. But.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

And they listen. I hate to say it, because I know, listen. They've wreaked havoc on a nation in terms of lung, health, cancer, all that stuff, but there's something Kind of iconic about just. I don't smoke.

[Tom Schwartz]

By the way, this is how I know you and Katie were married, because I just did Katie's podcast.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Shout out to Katie and Dana.

[Tom Schwartz]

Shout out to Katie and Dana. They were very nice, and they were very nothing but nice things to say about you. And cigarettes came up how hot they are. And we had the same. We had to do the same, like, you know, not to say, because this is going back to the puritans associated with society we live in right now. You say smoking is cool, which we. You. You're not saying that we don't want to witch hunt, but I'm just saying, like, you're not saying smoking looks. When I see a chick smoking a cigarette, I'm like, that's the sexiest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. I have to explain. Well, you know, do I have to do the surgeon general's warning every time I say some chick who smokes a cigarette looks sexy? Like, that's crazy, because someone go, yo, my uncle died from cigarette smoke. It's like, okay, I, I didn't say this. You know, like, aren't we doing. Isn't that crazy what we're doing?

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Tom Schwartz]

And I'm not a cancel culture guy. I hate those people. I hate people who are like, cancel culture. I don't think it exists. I, I said my special. I had a Netflix special, you know, on there. I do a whole thing about, no one wants to cancel you. No one gives a fuck about you unless.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Unless you're on Love Island.

[Tom Schwartz]

Well, Love island, what happened? They probably got more followers than they would have now. I know Sierra's name. Do you know what I mean? Like, I, I, I. I don't know if it's even. They got what they wanted. They went on Love island to get a following, kind of. And you know what? Let's say love and a following. And then she got a following. No, love. 50. 50. We'd all like that. That's a. That's a. That's a Hall of fame baseball batter batting 500. She got half of what she wants.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Man. I just. You're making. You're making me. You're making me.

[Tom Schwartz]

I, I keep interrupting.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

No, I don't have. I don't have. I don't have a bit or anything. I just was. Refle la. I love it. I hate it. I think I love it. 90% of the time, I hate it. 10. It's. It's easy to be like, yes, good breakdown. Thank you. It's.

[Tom Schwartz]

It's easy to be someone loves their life 100.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

No, I, I would not love that person.

[Tom Schwartz]

Right.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I need a little, A little self Adrian. Yes. A little self loathing.

[Tom Schwartz]

Yeah. I think that's called being real with yourself. Like, owning your faults. You know, like, you can, I can, I can serve this up in a very edible way. You know, you could say it, oh, I like people who hate themselves. And then someone's like, how could you say that? I would go, hold on, let me read. That's kind of my job. Like, I, you know, like my job. I do. We do the UF podcast and we give. We talk about dating, modern dating. I'm a straight guy talking about modern day. Okay, we're not good at that. We're not good at talking about dating. We are not. We are not coached up on it. We don't spend our lives asking our friends, so what's going on. On with, with. What's going on with Katie? Has it been, you know, I would never do that with you. I would ask you, you know, how the ride was? Did you watch the game? Like, yeah, stupid. Where are you from? Where'd you go to school? Oh, my God. Fsu. I love. You know, Penn State. Played FSU when I was at Penn State. You know, we could go. That was kind of where the direction would go. It wouldn't be, so how's your dating life been? You know, like, maybe we'd get there, but. So when I talk about dating on you up, I'm kind of forced to take the, the icky opinions of men and put them into more edible context.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

You're repackaging them a little bit. Refining, repackaging, refining, repackaging.

[Tom Schwartz]

Because again, to go back to the initial rant of, like, living in a morally superior world where anyone can cut you at the knees, you know, a man goes on a dating app because he'd like to fuck and then maybe find the love of his life. If you think of it that way, it's pretty gross. If you're on there only to find the love of your life, you go, what the.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

If you break it down to just cause and effect are just the, the bare basal.

[Tom Schwartz]

Right.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Human needs.

[Tom Schwartz]

But I have to, like, you know, kind of go to bat for the, the icky side of that, because that's just what it is. And, like, do I think the apps are made to, to make men better men? No, but that, but the tool is there, you know, Like, I, I. So I'm trying to help people be better buyers, to see the things that they're dealing with. Like, oh, well, you know, he. He saw me on the app and he asked to exchange Instagram. Well, that guy's probably not going to be your husband. I'm sorry. Let's play the numbers. You know, like, he's asking for your Instagram. You put. You put five pictures there. That's enough.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

That person needed to hear that.

[Tom Schwartz]

They needed to hear it.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

They did.

[Tom Schwartz]

Because they're caught in a dream. They're like, but he fits all these boxes. And I go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's okay, that's okay. But, you know, he checks a lot of boxes. And he also checks one main box that he asked for your Snapchat before you've even met. That's a box that supersedes.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

He's a lawyer. He asked for your Snapchat before you even met. And he's 47.

[Tom Schwartz]

Right.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Or he's 42, whatever he is. By the way, I was. I just watched your Netflix special.

[Tom Schwartz]

Thank you.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

It's so fucking good. 37 and single.

[Tom Schwartz]

That's what it's called. Yeah.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

37 and single. You know what I was thinking?

[Tom Schwartz]

Well, first, 40 and single.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Now can we get into it a little bit?

[Tom Schwartz]

Sure.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I was just going to say I'm single right now. I'm divorced.

[Tom Schwartz]

I know.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Being 40. I'm 42.

[Tom Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Being in your 40s and single, by order of a magnitude sure is significantly worse sounding than 37 and single. I think it's still. You can get away with it being kind of cutesy or idiosyncratic or whatever, like when you're 37. But also, I want to hear what you think about this. I've been married, now I'm divorced. So I think I get a little more grace.

[Tom Schwartz]

Yes.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

A little more leeway. People give me a bit of a past being 42 and single. But when you. When you get into your 40s and you're single, you've never been married.

[Tom Schwartz]

Whoa, people, you're. You're not even insulting me. Don't even have to.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

That was not personal.

[Tom Schwartz]

But I'm 40, never married, no kids.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

That.

[Tom Schwartz]

The first question is, what the fuck happened? That is the first question on any day that should be the first question that's easily answered.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Even if it's subconscious, Even if they're not thinking it consciously.

[Tom Schwartz]

Everyone's consciously thinking it. They're looking at you going, what the fuck happened? How'd you get here? Because if you're 35 and above. And here's again, I hate to be bringing this up Again, because I. This is not who I am. But I'm now it is who I am because I've done it now three times. It. Anyone can look at you with dating stuff and make you feel stupid. So what I'm saying is 35 and above, you go on a date. Both. At some point in that first date, there should be a. What the fuck happened here? That's okay. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with both of you.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Just as an icebreaker, I like.

[Tom Schwartz]

A first date is an icebreaker.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

You tell me what's wrong with you, I'll tell you what's wrong with me.

[Tom Schwartz]

Or how did you end up here? Here, give me the story. How did you get to 35? Being this wonderful person that I wanted to go on a first date with. And you. And. And you're not taken by anybody. It's a natural. And you got to own your baggage. Everyone's got baggage. You're holding it in your hands. If someone came up to you and said, tom, what. What's those bags in your hand? You go, there's no bags in my hand. I'm like, I'm looking at the luggage. It's to me.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Divorced, failed bar. My show's over.

[Tom Schwartz]

But you can. But you're also a charming guy who can sell it. I don't even. Don't even. Talk yourself down. Tom is so new to a podcast that he does this thing. I'm telling the listeners right now. He. He will talk to me while the show's going on as if we're taping an episode of Vanderpump. So he doesn't want to get caught on the mic saying things to me. I don't want to laugh. Hilarious.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I don't want to laugh into the mic.

[Tom Schwartz]

Laugh into the mic. This is a natural conversation. You keep making conversation with me off camera. I've been laughing it into the cat, into the mic.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Well, as a guy who listens to 30 podcasts, I don't like when someone's laughing the whole time.

[Tom Schwartz]

Right. I don't listen. I'm not asking you to, like, laugh, but you do kind of, like, look at me go, I do, too. Like, he'll whisper like, I do too. And it's very funny. So I'm just saying, like, you have a story. I have a story. And that's the thing. When you get above 35, maybe 30, depending on where, Because I'm living in Delray beach now. Everyone love it. Love it. I saw it. That's why I'm telling The audience.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

All right, fine, I'm in. I love Florida.

[Tom Schwartz]

Off mic, talking to me.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

We're both retiring in Delray Beach.

[Tom Schwartz]

It is beautiful, wonderful. I love Delray Beach. But forget about it there. Everyone's got a story. Everyone. Something has happened. Not. And I'm not saying they're. And I. If you're a takeaway from me saying something has happened to everyone above the age of 35 to make themselves single, as I'm saying there's something wrong with them, then you're messed up in the head. If that's your. If that's the way you've interpreted what I'm saying, because everyone is good. Everyone is for someone. It is going to work out. I'm. I'm. I'm eternally positive. I'm eternally hopeful.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Everyone has a story.

[Tom Schwartz]

Everyone has a story.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Sonder. I've been seeing this word a lot on TikTok lately. You know what that is?

[Tom Schwartz]

What's.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

It's this idea or this realization when you're, say you see someone walking by in the street or on the beach or driving by in a boat, you know, down in the lobby at the hotel. You take a moment, you're like, wow, that person has a rich, vivid life. They've loved, they've lost, they've. They're a mother, a father, a son. And it's supposed to give you, like, a deeper sense of the human connection.

[Tom Schwartz]

Yeah. You're not alone.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

More, more. More empathy for the human condition.

[Tom Schwartz]

Right.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

By the way, on the way over here.

[Tom Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I had the opposite of that.

[Tom Schwartz]

What did you.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I. Well, I apologize at the top for making you do this at 10am But I'm coming from North Hollywood. I was sitting on Wilshire headed west, and I had rage saunder. Or I had rage saunder. Because I'm just like thinking. Because I, I think it's a beautiful concept, but when I'm in traffic, I'm like, why the is this piece of. Why the are these 30 pieces of in front of me going west on Wilshire right now? What are they doing? What do they have to do? Why are they up?

[Tom Schwartz]

So I'm so all these people going, don't people have work as you're not working as do you.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Do you ever get rage saunder?

[Tom Schwartz]

I mean, like again, that guy mode, you know, like, it's. You see people on the road, you go, how the hell are people not working right now? Who's on the road? And then you're on the road. You know, it's.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

That's the Irony. You're one of them. The bitter irony.

[Tom Schwartz]

It is bitter. No, I. Listen, when you go on and when you meet people and you go, so what's your past relationship like? If you're, like, not talking about that after a certain age, you're kind of wasting your own time. Like, if someone said to me, Jared, you're 40 and single. You seem like you've got it together. So what's the deal if another single person who's on the date with me said that to me, I would appreciate that question. And I'd be like, listen, becoming a comedian was always the first thing on my mind.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

First love.

[Tom Schwartz]

That is something that I've put as a priority.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

And once you tasted that in your mouth in the womb, you knew, right?

[Tom Schwartz]

I knew the minute I had a little duty in my mouth. Sorry. I, I. And then, you know, I've gone out with, you know, I've had great relationships. I had lived with someone, and then it didn't work out, we move out. And now I. You know, what, what I would say to anyone on a date, but also on a podcast, is like, it's been really difficult for me to get past the point of, like, you know, those first few months, those first, you know, half a year where you're seeing if this could be something and making someone else my responsibility, making the relationship my responsibility. And I. I'm not really proud of that, if I'm honest.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Tom Schwartz]

You know, that's relatable. And it's relatable, and I think it's very male. You know, I think a lot of the women that I date or I've been with, they've been ready for a relationship since birth, and they believe that whether they were ready or not, they were just ready. Let's work this out. You and me, we're. We connect, so why wouldn't we keep going? And me, I get ahead and I go, well, I need life. And I'm a little too precious with life. You know, you go, I need life to be in place so that I can, you know, never fail for my family.

[Jared Freed]

Total.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I totally get that.

[Tom Schwartz]

Right?

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Tom Schwartz]

And. And it sounds to me like I hear myself say that I'm like, jared, you sound like a sad loser. But I think a lot of men specifically, you know, kind of hear that. And, you know, if you go on a date and say that to someone, you know, and someone said to me, well, I'm perfect, I feel like, well, thanks. I guess I'm the only one being vulnerable here. I'm the only One opening up. You know, I guess I'm the loser.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

You know, you break down your whole life story starting in the womb, and she's like, man, that sucks for you. Yeah, I'm good over here.

[Tom Schwartz]

I'm pretty chill. Like, oh, thanks.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

How can I ask you how the love life is?

[Tom Schwartz]

It's okay. I mean, like, I meet. I think the problem is it's a lot. I have so much distraction. The travel.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

You're on fire right now. Can I just say that you're on fire?

[Tom Schwartz]

I'm not on fire.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

You're on fire.

[Tom Schwartz]

No, no, no. The special happened two years.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I don't know. But that tour, like, you're. That's.

[Tom Schwartz]

I do. I do. Well, I do a lot of shows. Listen, the audience that comes for me in Bloomington, Indiana, is 30 strong. You know, 30 people.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

That builds character, though.

[Tom Schwartz]

Listen, I'm happy for the weekend. We had a good time. I did my show. But, you know, Brea. I'm hoping there's more audience. You know, there's more people. My goal is to find more people who want to laugh and have a good time and enjoy my stuff. Everywhere I go, I'm like, you know, just keep getting involved. Because I, you know, put out the special and it's. It was out on Netflix. It's coming down on August 13th. Get it? For, like, two years. And then it comes back to me. That was a period of my life. And then I started going on the road with this new hour, and it was all about my parents and my family and going on vacation, my parents. And, like, the feedback I got from that was, like, unlike anything. Like, I was, like, the comedian I should be, you know, Like, I was like, oh, shit. Like, people are, like, in on this and they're relating and laughing and having a great time. So then we taped that in December. So right now I'm trying to sell that.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Nice.

[Tom Schwartz]

And now I have a whole new hour. It's about going to Europe alone and how difficult that was.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Should we just do it now?

[Tom Schwartz]

I can do it now. Well, I went to Europe alone. It was the worst trip of my life. Yeah, I hated it. I hated every second of it.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Sorry. I can laugh it in. The mic themselves gave me the power to laugh it in the mic.

[Tom Schwartz]

You can laugh. You can talk to me on the mic. Wait, have you ever been to Europe? You ever go.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I've been to Iceland.

[Tom Schwartz]

Iceland.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I've been to Rome for Stasi and Bo's wedding. They were on Vanderpump Rules. Both really funny.

[Tom Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Where else I think, I think that's it.

[Tom Schwartz]

And did you go, so a wedding's good because you have a, something to do. There's like a, there's, there's, there's a there. I, I like when I get asked a lot, like, what would you do for a bachelor party? You probably get asked that a lot too. Like, I'm going to this city, what should I do for a bachelor party? I get, and I get a lot of bachelorette questions too. You know, Craig and Austin, they own a bar with my buddy Keith, by the way. By the way, that's my buddy Keith's bar.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I'm gonna go out there and interview them. I love those guys.

[Tom Schwartz]

Yeah, they are great guys.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

So solid.

[Tom Schwartz]

Craig and Austin, great guys. I was introduced to them by, by Keith because he lives in Charleston and owns Uptown Social and then went into by the way with Greg and Austin.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Great dudes. Towering handsome dudes. They're like six. Six.

[Tom Schwartz]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Towering handsome is a great way to describe them. And I really like them both a lot. And so I, I didn't just bring this up to say how much I love them. I don't know. What did I.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Let's lean into it.

[Tom Schwartz]

Wait, why did I bring this up?

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Wait, where, how do we get here? My brain just turned off when yours turned off. Hold on a sec.

[Tom Schwartz]

No. Oh. Because, you know, I get asked a lot of women about bachelorette parties. I'm always like, Charleston, just go to Charleston. You will love it.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

One of the top five places to go for a bit.

[Tom Schwartz]

So much fun.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

So.

[Tom Schwartz]

But a wedding to go to Europe with is like a great tent pole item because at least if everything goes badly, you got friends who are going to be there and there's going to be people there and there's a reason you're there. When you travel alone, just to travel, there's a lot of self doubt. There's a lot of like, why am I here?

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Like, it starts off as Eat, pray, love. Right?

[Tom Schwartz]

Right.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

You're very fired up. It's like you feel like you're, you're Leonardo DiCaprio on the beach.

[Tom Schwartz]

Right? You think, I'll meet all these people. My, my, my charm will bring all.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

These people in and then you're gonna drink snake blood. Say yes to the great unknown. Anything is possible.

[Tom Schwartz]

But then, then you're alone with your thoughts and your phone isn't that helpful because it's on a different calendar. Your whole following the people that you keep up with, your friends that you like look at on stories they're in bed, you know, the class, you know, the. The hours are different for them. They're not posting about their shitty day. And then you're posting something about your shitty day, and it's not getting a response, so you're really left. And that sounds. Someone who. Who's listening is like, what a sad loser. But that's the. I'm being honest. Like, I went to Australia, did shows in Australia, and I said, I'm like, I'm done traveling along. Like, I. I was like, it's over. Because I went to the. I went to Hamilton island, which is like. It's like an island. It's like, very much like a Hamptons, like, island. It has this beautiful hotel, like, Taylor Swift renting out this whole hotel that I was at. Like, yeah, real deal. Paul McCartney stayed there and then flew to Sydney, back and forth to do concerts. Like, this is all stuff I was told. They, you know. Now White Lotus is like a way to describe a hotel. This was White Lotus. And they were like, do you want to go to the Great Barrier Reef? And I'm like, how could I say no to the Great Barrier Reef? Right?

[Unnamed Co-Host]

You can't.

[Tom Schwartz]

You. Right, If I said no to that, like, what are you going to do instead? I'll look at my phone at the. Like, no, I can't do that. So I go to the Great Barrier Reef, and there, it's an hour boat ride out, hour back. So we take the hour right out, and then your phone turns off 20 minutes into that trip. So now it's just me. No, like, it's just me in a wetsuit looking at everyone with their families in my head, right in my thoughts. And I was like, you know, and then they start teaching how to snorkel. And I'm like, okay, okay, I'm getting in the snorkel. Then we go to the Great Barrier Reef. I jump into the water with people I don't know, and I'm like. And I'm like, I put on the snorkel, and I'm looking down, and I've never snorkeled before. And I. I'm looking down at, like, the reef. And like, 10 minutes in, I'm like, is this it?

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Existential?

[Tom Schwartz]

No, I'm not. Oh, oh, oh, oh. I'm like, I'm bored.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I thought we were going deeper.

[Tom Schwartz]

No, I'm not deep. I'm like, is this it? Is this what life is supposed to be? No, no, no. I'm thinking, get me the fuck out of here. This is boring as shit. About the Great Barrier Reef.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I thought we were gonna get philosophical.

[Tom Schwartz]

Here's my. My philosophical is the only thing that makes. And I'm like, where are the turtles? Where are the sharks? Same fish kept flying by. And then what you find out is the reef is just a tree trunk. I didn't know this. The Great Barrier Reef is just great. It's just big. It's like, you know, it's like getting like the extra large pizza. Is it good? No, it's the extra large. It's not the best pizza. It's the biggest pizza.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Well, they say it's the most vibrant and the most full of.

[Tom Schwartz]

I. The same again. I sound like the biggest piece of. Because I am now the seven. One of the seven wonders of the world. I'm sitting there being like, is this it? Oh, my God. And I remember it's a. You know, the reef is a tree trunk. And you swim around it and you try and check it out, and then they go, okay, pack it up. We're going to go to another spot. And everyone's like, yeah. Like, there's people that are, like, bumped. And I'm like, yeah, that'd be you.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

That I'm supposed to talk while I point. That would be me.

[Tom Schwartz]

I, I, I. And I'm like, I'm like, oh, we still don't have our phones. You know? Like, I'm like, the biggest piece of shit. I'm just so unappreciative. And we go to the second spot and I'm like, maybe there'll be other fish. And we get there, there's like the same fucking fish. We get in the boat and we're driving back the hour, and I'm like, man, I just. I think this is why people get in relationships. Like, I was like, because we're now supposed to both hate the Great Barrier Reef. Like, we're both supposed to go, yeah, that was like, fine, right?

[Unnamed Co-Host]

You had no one to commiserate with or just be, like, to share with.

[Tom Schwartz]

Yeah. Like, what is it worth at that point? You know?

[Unnamed Co-Host]

And we have Twitter, Instagram.

[Tom Schwartz]

No, not, not until, until I got 20 minutes away. You know, I can't even, like, make fun of it on stories and have someone go, laffy face emoji. This is so sad. I'm saying this out loud. I hope someone connects with it, but maybe they're like, what a loser. I, I think it's.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I think it's relatable and understandable. I, I haven't. I've traveled a lot. Yeah, not a lot. By Myself. But enough, wait, not enough to have it not be romantic. That was a very so winded way of saying, I still think it's romantic, but I can totally understand when someone's like, I hate traveling though. And I understand that too.

[Tom Schwartz]

Right. Well, I think if you've never done it, the idea of it is way better than the reality of it, you.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Know, like, did you romanticize the shit out of that trip beforehand?

[Tom Schwartz]

I romanticize every trip. Even if I'm going to Spokane, you know, I'm like, oh, maybe I'll go to like the cool restaurant Spokane.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Maybe they have a cool little downtown strip.

[Tom Schwartz]

Maybe I meet someone after the show and they're like the nicest, coolest person and we, we connect on a lot of levels. That's not going to happen. That's just not where it's going to go. I'm going to go to Spokane and I'm going to go, all right. The shows are fun, the people were fun. I had a okay meal and I'm going to move on to the next city. And it's like, I think that's also like growing up and you know, when you first start stand up, it's just cool to travel. You're like, oh my God, I'm going to go to a city I never want to gone to. And now it's all about the actual, like, I'm like, I really want it to get better so that I can do Spokane for one night instead of three. No, no. And I don't mean to. I'm going to spoke in a couple of weeks. I. No offense to that town because I've just been there and I'm like, you want growth, you want the next level. I want to see the next episode of my show.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Tom Schwartz]

In the same way you do.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I think last month. I don't think I know. I've traveled more than I've ever traveled in my entire.

[Tom Schwartz]

Where did you go?

[Unnamed Co-Host]

All over the. I went to Canada, went to Victoria, I went to Dallas, I went to Austin.

[Tom Schwartz]

Victoria, Canada.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I stayed. I forget the name of the hotel, but it was utterly gorgeous.

[Tom Schwartz]

But what's Victoria like?

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Victoria. It's the capital of bc, British Columbia.

[Tom Schwartz]

So you were near.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

It's. It's essentially right, right above Washington.

[Tom Schwartz]

Yeah. You're in Vancouver.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Vancouver, just west of Vanc. I've been to Vancouver, it's gorgeous.

[Tom Schwartz]

Vancouver is beautiful. But yeah, okay, so I've never been to Victoria.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Don't get me started on Victoria. But any but. Well, I guess my point being is.

[Tom Schwartz]

Dallas, Austin all great towns.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I loved it and I loved all of it. But I, like, I was thinking back, I was thinking back to your Netflix special, and at the end of it, that's all I wanted to do was just be in my own bed. I wanted to look at my phone. I wanted to look at the tv. I wanted to masturbate. I forgot what else you said, but I just. I. That.

[Tom Schwartz]

That. That snack.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

That mantra. I had an interview at a pretty big. I'm not flexing, but I had a pretty big interview yesterday at a. A studio, and it went really well. I was just talking about future projects, something down the road, three, five years. And it was. It was just a general creative session. I'm sure you've had a million of those. But at the end, one of the execs, who was cool as hell by the way, he looks at me and he goes, so just before we go, just like, what. What are your hobbies?

[Jared Freed]

What do you like to do?

[Unnamed Co-Host]

And again, you're. You're. You're. You're special started playing in my head.

[Jared Freed]

And I was like, I like to lay in med.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Look at my phone, look at the tv. Yeah, I. I know I. I don't want nothing. I don't want to kill it there, but I just know I appreciate it.

[Tom Schwartz]

It is a relatable thing of, like, it's the best hobbies.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I've been to Bora Bora, and I think laying in my cold bed at night staring at my phone's as good as Bora Bora.

[Tom Schwartz]

There's something to that. Yeah.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Overwater Bungalows.

[Tom Schwartz]

Yeah, same thing. And it's just that moment of like, I have no one asking anything of me, just sitting and staring and it's not so bad.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Yeah, it's so nice.

[Jared Freed]

It's so sweet.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

But like, we talked about a sec. We touched on it earlier. I'm so impressed with the physicality, the endurance it takes to go on tour. Yeah, it's pretty much. It's pretty. I mean, you have a few days in between each show, right?

[Tom Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Can you take us, like, just quick. I know you got.

[Tom Schwartz]

No, go ahead.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I don't want to take up all your time, but. But you're like. As far as I'm concerned, you're a professional athlete. You were a professional athlete. You're Taylor Swift on the ERAS tour.

[Tom Schwartz]

Right, right, right.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Can you take us through the day? Say you're in Spokane. You have back to back shows. Can you take. Do you wake up? Do you work out? Do you eat healthy? Are you Detoxing, retoxing. Are you balanced?

[Tom Schwartz]

Here's my day when I get up. Well, I'll give you, let me give you a weekend. Because a normal comedy comedian goes. The everyday regular comedian. The shows are Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or they're Friday, Saturday, Sunday. So you fly in the day of the first show. I always do first flight out because I want to make sure I get there. You want to take away as many.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Variables as possible to take in the city a little bit too, or.

[Tom Schwartz]

No, no. The first day is really tough with flying. I'm saying this after years of doing it. I've made that mistake where it's like, you just want to get there. You want to get there because you don't want, hey, I have to cancel Thursday show because there was a delay at my connection or, you know, the, the weather. If you leave at like noon, like, because you have a show at 8pm you're actually delusional.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I got the 6am Flight out tomorrow to Miami. I'm not taking any chances.

[Tom Schwartz]

First flight out. That's the best club to be in because you take away one variable, which is plane traffic. You know, the planes there, they land, they are there overnight, you know, or they're not, you know, the night before. But most likely the plane's going to be there. First flight out. So 6am flight, and then you get to the town. I generally try when I get there to unpack. I'm a big unpacker. I'm not doing a good job of showing it right now.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

It looks very orderly in here.

[Tom Schwartz]

I unpack generally. I didn't unpack here. I'm going against my own thing. I generally like to unpack when I get to a weekend. Like, I like to hang up my T shirts, hang up my pants, get everything out of my bag, put, like, I have a little thing in my DOB kit, like the toiletry kit. I have a little, like, plastic, you know, rubber ducky. I put it out in the sink. So make you feel at home.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

And by the way, I love that ritualistic aspect of traveling. Getting to a new hotel when you're on tour. Isn't it nice to make the space your own?

[Tom Schwartz]

Make it your own.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

It's like you're christening it.

[Tom Schwartz]

Yeah, you have to maybe, whatever. Yeah. Giving it a circumcision in my, for my people. So I, I, I generally, like, think that it puts your mind in a better place. Then I go get coffee and I try to, like, write a set list for that night. I want to write a set List as early as possible just to go through everything I plan on doing so that I'm not going well. What's next? What's next? I write out the whole set list and I listen to a set I had done. Especially if it's the first night of the weekend, that probably means I haven't done an hour in a long time. So I listen to the last hour I really liked. So I go listen to my hour. So I'm listening to myself on audio, and I write out the subjects I plan on talking about. Then I star the subjects that I want to work on. You can't work on everything. You can only work on one or two. And I've made the mistake. You try to work on, like, you know, the whole hour, all the way through, you're fucked. You work on nothing. So you have to zone in on one joke that I really want to, like, give time and care to.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Is it kind of like, I love this. I want to cut you up. But it's kind of like when in.

[Jared Freed]

DJ world I'm a bedroom dj.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

But it's like kind of like you give the crowd two or three. Two for three for them, and then maybe one new one for you. Something like.

[Tom Schwartz]

Absolutely. It's one for them, one for me. That type of thing. Or I'm ending, adding a part onto the joke. That's for me to see if it works. So when I was in Bloomington last weekend, the whole weekend I was working on Minnesota. No, Indiana. Indiana. Bloomington, where IU is. I'm in Bloomington the whole weekend. I got to. So I got done with my set list and I went and saw a movie. I went and saw Superman.

[Jared Freed]

So good.

[Tom Schwartz]

Loved it.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I saw an imax. Forget about it.

[Tom Schwartz]

So I saw it. I wish I had saw. I saw 3D and I had this whole story about my 3D glasses. So I was like, okay, I'll tell this story as like, an opening because it happened and I'm excited to tell it. And then I'll go into my act. So now that got added in as, like, this is for me. I'll tell the story that I don't care about. It happened today.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

And I love the organic, topical, in the moment intro before you get into the, like, a little crowd work about Spokane or.

[Tom Schwartz]

Anyway, I love that I'm doing because. And it's also like a little bit of a crutch in the. The same way, bringing the Notebook on stage as a crutch. Oh, this happened today. Oh, today. You know, you can say, oh, you know, the Theater that's under the highway. And they all know the theater that's under the highway because that's where it was. And they're like. I was like, it's a weird spot for a theater. So now like it's an easier road to connect on that story because they know the players. They don't have to know it's a.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Hit almost every time. I'm not a comedian, but yeah, I was in Victoria and I was doing my little bit and I was like, oh man, I got crazy last night, blah, blah, blah. I was like. And I woke up with a bra in my bed. And I was like, but it wasn't from a one night stand. It was from big bad John's. And everyone started laughing so hard because it's a dive bar with bras all over the ceiling. It's like such a niche thing.

[Tom Schwartz]

And all you have to do is say something. They know, oh my God, the guy from out of town knows our place. Yeah. So I said the movie theater underneath the highway. And they all start laughing because they're like, it is underneath the highway. And you notice it in a different way. I did shows in China once and it was such a place pleasure to be. Yeah, I went to China and I did shows. And the, the cool part is in what you find out is like how much easier it is to be like a comedian from another country that comes to the US because we give just. They could talk about something we've already talked about, but it's like, no, but that's the British perspective. So they get like a lot of credibility for that. That's why a lot of our like political analysts are like, political comedians are British, you know, like, oh, and it has an accent, you know, Like I, I do believe that like that makes it easier. Easier for them. So when I went to China, I remember being like, oh. So you know, I'm noticing things that like are probably just very tread territories, but it's me from America noticing it, you know, so it made it easier. So me from New York noticing their movie theaters underneath the highway.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

What's the deal with communism?

[Tom Schwartz]

Right? It's literally, you know, so, so then I go to the movies. I have the story from the movie that I add into the set list. And then I kind of like chill. Like I really try to like sit and just lay down and take a nap. And then you get up, shower, get dressed, put in some headphones, go to the show and then we start the night.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

And I love that you so before. So yeah, you're very mindful. You're Zen ed out, but you. You listen to certain music that makes you feel good before the show.

[Tom Schwartz]

I just generally, I'm not a music person, but I. I'm definitely like. Like, I'll put it on, like, hot country. I've been listening to a lot lately for some reason.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Morgan Wallen.

[Tom Schwartz]

Yeah, he's like, running that station.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

He's so good.

[Tom Schwartz]

He's very good. And then I do a lot of like. Like, we used to have aaf. I'm from outside of Boston. WAF was like, had its, like, version of like, hard rock music. Like that. Like, late 90s, early 2000s hard rock. That's music I would listen to. Yeah. Like. And.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Yeah, next week.

[Tom Schwartz]

What's that?

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Going to Boston next week.

[Tom Schwartz]

Where are you going?

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I'm going to. It's. It's like a Bravo day.

[Tom Schwartz]

Oh, really?

[Unnamed Co-Host]

At Fen. Not Fenway, but. Yeah, Fenway. I was thinking. Yeah, yeah, I've been there a few times.

[Tom Schwartz]

That's awesome.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I love Fenway. I've been to the. The Green Monster.

[Tom Schwartz]

Oh, my God, Grass. You've done it all.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Anyways, sorry.

[Tom Schwartz]

So when you go. I have a. I have fun bar. I have a great bar for you.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Love bars. You're taking a break from drinking right now?

[Tom Schwartz]

I haven't drank in a minute, but.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Yeah, I love the recommendation.

[Tom Schwartz]

Lucky, I think, is the best. I think that's like one of my favorite bars in the world.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I'm locking in. I will go and I will send you a picture.

[Tom Schwartz]

Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Send me a picture. I definitely want that. Yeah. Lucky's. I mean, maybe that suggestions out by now, but I. That's. The seaport in Boston was like this area that wasn't really built up, and now it's like the center of town. And that's where Lucky's always was. So it was like this weird bar to go to that like, was in the seaport. And now the seaport's the middle of it all. So now they're like, literally, like. So maybe it's like a hacky place to tell you to go, but I love it.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

No, I'm gonna love it.

[Tom Schwartz]

Yeah, it's cool.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I like a hacky place.

[Tom Schwartz]

It's good. It was as much. I lived in New York after college, so I never really lived in Boston as like an adult. So like, I. It was as much like a New York feeling bar than. Than I could find.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I love that. It's my favorite city in the world and my favorite place to go out To a random bar.

[Tom Schwartz]

I don't go in New York.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I just. Wherever I'm staying, I go within like a mile or within a mile vicinity, which is a long way in Manhattan. It's a long way, but I just improvise. Usually unless I'm with someone who wants to show me or showcase their favorite spot. We used to go to Spring street lounge a lot, which is very awesome.

[Tom Schwartz]

That place is awesome.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

People go in there, work the night shift, you know, first responders that are in there chugging vodka sodas at 8 in the morning.

[Tom Schwartz]

Dude. Down the street is Mother's Ruin, which now has a place in Austin. I think Mother's Ruin best late night food menu. Their bar menu late at night, I think is like the best I've ever had.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Well, yeah, that's a testimony.

[Tom Schwartz]

I'll get that. I'll give a hot take. Mother's Ruin has a great late night bar food menu. And they have a. A dirty martini that's red because they use a different olive. It was fucking awesome.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

That sounds fire.

[Tom Schwartz]

Yeah. And then spring seats down. Down the street. I was a spring spring lounge and John Mayer was there. Just hanging in the back.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Yeah, it's grimy and welcoming to people from all walks of life.

[Tom Schwartz]

Everything's in there.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

What's your favorite city to perform in New York? Underground.

[Tom Schwartz]

Nice.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Underground cellar.

[Tom Schwartz]

The Comedy Cellar is the best club in the world. There's nothing like the Comedy Cellar. That's like my home. I've been performing there for like, you know, almost nine years or eight years, whatever. That's the best club in the world. I think New York audiences are great. I love San Francisco. I just love San Francisco so much. I love that town. I love that, like, they get for. I. I think people try to like, pigeon hole them as like the Internet's.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Roasting San Francisco on a regular basis. They're getting so much easy. According to the Internet, everyone's doing the Fenty Fold, getting their windows broken into.

[Tom Schwartz]

I'm not saying that doesn't happen. I'm just saying I've always had a great time in San Francisco. I think it's one of the best drinking towns in the world. It's like, for sure. Yeah. Chinatown. Awesome. Great food, good people, smart people, fun people. I love Chicago. I mean, these are not like hot takes because New York, Chicago, San Francisco, but. And then I generally, like, have a good time. Like, I love the audience that comes to my shows because they are like up for anything. I get a lot of compliments, you know, because, you know, A lot of stand ups. The audiences that come are like, I'm not in that like Rogan world, like the manoverse so to speak. Like I'm friends with a lot of those guys that like kind of go in that world but like that's not my audience. And a lot of those Rogan Maniverse type fans are like, they call them one top comedians. It's like one dude by himself having a beer, going like laughing like this, like haha, haha. I've never heard that I've been that.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

But I'm.

[Tom Schwartz]

It's okay in a more chill, in.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

A more chill way. I'm laughing at everything and I'm slapping my knee, right?

[Tom Schwartz]

That's the kind of laugh I like, like a wet laugh, you know, Like I like, you know, like so the, the, the audiences that I generally have are like groups of women coming out to just like have a fun time which I like love. Like you know. And so you know, wherever I go I generally have like I was in London, like I'm in London doing a show and like it's the same group there, you know, like it's the same fun, you know, doing well, you know, group, you know, of. And then now they're bringing their husbands and their boyfriends and they're generally awesome, you know, like they're really cool audiences.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

For the most part. More, more respectful than they were. I mean you're, you're 30, you're 40 now. Yeah, I'm 42. You've been in the game forever. So you've, you've been tried and tested, you've experienced it all. Hecklers and everything. Generally speaking, are the audiences more respectful now compared to like let's say earlier 2000s, like mid.

[Tom Schwartz]

That's probably on me. I think I'm a better comedian now. I would hope so. So like the ch, you know, I don't think there's a lot of chances to like you still have bad nights. I just went to Huntsville, Alabama and I'm like watching the video because I'm gonna put clips out from it and it was like I just couldn't connect with them.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

The whole weekend you couldn't get a.

[Tom Schwartz]

Yeah, the crickets, it was like they just didn't get anything. Like I, and maybe that was my fault and it didn't really, it wasn't really well attended there. They took everything very literally, which was weird. And I've never said this about like a town but like on in Mass they were very like literal. Like I, I just was watching the clip so I'm like. I'm like, I can't believe I'm gonna put this out because it's just me, you know, bombing.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

But do you have, like, a free bird you can go back to in a desperate moment? Or, like, you know, like a hits a hit bit?

[Tom Schwartz]

You're kind of stuck when you've put out a special.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

That's the thing. Like, you could, like. I love. I know it's kind of. What's the word? Hackney. Or like, everyone's doing. I've heard so many crowd work the Ick bits, which I love as podcast material. I love hearing icks.

[Tom Schwartz]

I could.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I thought yours was so funny, by the way. I didn't look at my. Well, I was watching it on my phone, but I didn't look at anything else the whole entire time, which is a testament right to your craft.

[Tom Schwartz]

Started doing the X thing because it's. It was before I. I'd never heard of it before. So when I started doing it, it was, you know, if the special came out in 2023, I probably started talking about Ick in 2021. And I was going on the road, and it was all about my friend who said she wouldn't a guy because he was wearing khakis. And I was like, I can't relate to that. And I remember I listened to the first time I started doing it.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Did they have cargo pockets?

[Tom Schwartz]

I. I don't even know what I mean. Maybe. But she was like. And I was like, saying, like, if a woman. A woman could really wear anything, it wouldn't matter. Like, I would still, you know, hook up. And so it started that. And then I heard about this thing called the Ick because it was from Love island uk. They're like, I got the ick. And I started saying, Well, I started, like, being like, okay, well, I've never heard of this thing, the Ick, and how little I related to it. So then I started going around the country asking people, their ex.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I love that.

[Tom Schwartz]

Right. So it was a good way to, like, kind of break up the show because I would. I had. For my bit, it was. I've never heard of the ick. And then she said, these two icks. And I would talk about them, and then I would talk about how, like, unrelatable it was to me. And then I had an ender to the joke because I could. I was like, well, nothing could ick me out. You could do this, this, and that. And I would be like, what an angel. Like. And so I had an end of the Bit. So in the middle of the bit, I was like, does anyone have X? And I started collecting them. So, like, I had people in all parts of the country. And on the special, like, I. These are real ones that have been yelled out at me at stage.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

They're so good.

[Tom Schwartz]

So I had all these, like, really specific ones that I've been getting for, like, a year and a half.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

They're so good. By the way. By the way, I got. Not to cut you off, please. I got a nick downstairs.

[Tom Schwartz]

But do you get the ick?

[Unnamed Co-Host]

No, I. I get the oof. Or what did you say?

[Tom Schwartz]

That's the.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Yeah, I like my ick.

[Tom Schwartz]

What was it? Downstairs.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Oh, oh, downstairs. By the way, I know we're in Beverly Hills.

[Tom Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Right across where they filmed that scene in Clueless. By the way. 30th. 30th anniversary of Clueless this year.

[Tom Schwartz]

Really?

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Yeah. But I was at the bar.

[Tom Schwartz]

It's funny that you bring up Clueless for here and not Pretty Woman. Oh, this. We're. We're at. The place is that.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

This is the hotel.

[Tom Schwartz]

I think this is the hotel from Pretty Woman.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

We're at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel. It's iconic, legendary.

[Tom Schwartz]

Yeah. Beautiful hotel.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

But no, I was down at the bar and I was texting you, and I was like, I'll kill a little time. You know what? I'm going to have a Bloody Mary.

[Tom Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Guess how much my Bloody Mary was.

[Tom Schwartz]

I was wondering. I think it's got to be $25 with tip.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I didn't realize there was a service charge until after I tipped. Yeah, but with tip, it was $45. For a Bloody Mary. It was $39.

[Tom Schwartz]

This place has been known as the expensive area since clueless for 30 years.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Tom Schwartz]

So if you think about it, like, they're just doing what they've always done.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

And people are gonna pay it. It's like when in Rome. Right.

[Tom Schwartz]

Well, this is a vacate. Yeah. Like, if you're. This whole place, like, even, like, in the lobby, like, everyone's from somewhere else. Like, they're. I mean, that's. We're at a hotel. Is that stupid?

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I. I'll be honest. Yeah. I've traveled all over. I've never seen a 40 Bloody Mary.

[Tom Schwartz]

It's pretty crazy. What was the Bloody Mary at your place?

[Unnamed Co-Host]

It was like 16 bucks.

[Tom Schwartz]

16.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I mean, it's pretty standard.

[Tom Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I got the ick when I got our smoothies too, because they were 20 a piece.

[Tom Schwartz]

That's what you said. I. And I was like, I'm Good. I'm not big guy.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

But the thing is, you know what I was doing?

[Tom Schwartz]

I'm going to drink chlorophyll from Billy Madison. Boropil.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Let's chop that up and take a shot right now.

[Tom Schwartz]

I can't do it.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

No, I was.

[Tom Schwartz]

Good for you. It was going to make. I going to have to swallow it afterwards, get me conium again.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Don't ask me why it's good for you. It just is.

[Tom Schwartz]

It just is. It's green, so. I believe you.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

No, but I was getting the smoothies, and they were $20 a piece. Whatever. I think I was grumbling for a second, and then I remembered just today, I remembered how many times I've spent $25 on a vodka Red Bull. I like Sky Bar or. Or a trendy club lounge in New York City.

[Tom Schwartz]

I, I never thought of, like, the spending factor on alcohol. Like, for whatever reason. Like, I, I just. It never hit, like, you get drunk and you go, that was the tab.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Money's not real when you're sipping, right?

[Tom Schwartz]

And now because I had taken a couple weeks off of drinking and hadn't drank for a minute, I'm like, man, I. I haven't even, like, touched my crap credit card. Like, it felt. I was like, I could feel that I hadn't touched my credit card in a while. And it's like, yeah, it can get up there, dude.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

It's brutal.

[Tom Schwartz]

But even like a restaurant, like, I, I like to go get, like, I went and tried that place, Horses here.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Heard it's awesome. Amazing.

[Tom Schwartz]

That's maybe the best Caesar salad that I've ever had.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

They had a whole scandal, but they bounced back from it.

[Tom Schwartz]

I heard about that. Someone mentioned after I'd gone there that, like, there's a scandal. And I was like, I didn't really know.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I. I think it's. I think it's been.

[Tom Schwartz]

I don't think people look up their restaurants like, oh, and let me make sure they check out morally.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Well, the word of mouth, it spread like wildfire. I think it's been. What's the word? Debunked.

[Tom Schwartz]

Okay.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

But it's apparently this. They said, like, the current chef at the time, like, a chef owner. And by the way, I'm just. This is all allegedly, I heard through word of mouth that he was like, he strangled or did something weird to a cat or like, sexual.

[Tom Schwartz]

Come on.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I don't know. I think it was all debunked. But it, but it, it, it actually had a negative impact on their bottom line. Like, People started boycotting it.

[Tom Schwartz]

Well, it was a very tick tocked place.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Tom Schwartz]

Like, so it got very. It was viral.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

And live by the sword, die by the.

[Tom Schwartz]

That's kind of what it is if you think about it. Like, if you're going to use social media to get off, then that's the thing. They'll come up, come back and invite you.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

But I. I felt both sides of those swords.

[Tom Schwartz]

You. I mean, I'm sure. I'm sure. Like. And then you get like. Well, then I went. And I was like, well, I went not knowing. You know, I don't think that would have stopped me. I. I don't. If they're open, they're open, you know, Like, I don't know.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Like, it was all allegedly. And it's like, yeah, it's a bad look, but still.

[Tom Schwartz]

So the great Caesar salad.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Either way, I'm a late adopter. Can I just say, Jared, in the last three years, I started eating Caesar salads.

[Tom Schwartz]

Really? Yeah. But that's like the easiest salad to eat.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I don't like creamy dressings, generally speaking. I'm. I'm more of like a. A vinegarette guy. Italian. But I'm big heavy on the Caesar right now. You guys. I'm sorry. I apologize. I had a Caesar wrap from Carla.

[Tom Schwartz]

Big right now, too.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Caesar wraps are having their. The moment in the sun.

[Tom Schwartz]

Yeah. I mean, there's a place near my. My parents in Boca that they're like, they went viral. It's called Vinny's. I mean, it'll come up on your TikTok now. And they've been open for, like, years. And my dad, I go, have you heard of this place Vinny's, that does the chicken? And he goes, vinny's. Like, he knew it. And he was like, he couldn't believe that that's like a hot place. He's like, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click. And I go, what are you doing? He goes, vinny's is loud. He goes, I know it. Because it's a salad place. When you walk in, you hear them cutting the salads going, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click. So I go. And my dad goes, my mom. My dad goes to my mom. He goes, kim, you hear about. Vinny's is like, popular. She goes, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack. Like that. The only reference they had for it was it was loud.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Have you ever been in a restaurant and said, hey, can you turn the volume down a little bit right I could never.

[Tom Schwartz]

Clicking with the clicking, maybe with, with your cutting the salads. Because we're chopping the salads. So to them, like, they were like, I'm like, no, that place, like, they have a Chicken Seasons Caesar salad wrap that's like, apparently amazing. He goes, you can't walk in there. Like, my dad was like, you can't even go in there. It's too loud. You know, they're chopping the salads. It's just too loud. I'm like, you guys are out of your minds.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

That's weird. I, I listen, I've had two spots and there's a surprising amount of people who will come in and be like, hey, it's really loud in here. And it's usually because of the ambiance. Other people chatting.

[Tom Schwartz]

Right.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

And yes, forks being set down. But like the music. And I'm like, that's a bold request, right?

[Tom Schwartz]

Turn down the people. You can't really. Yeah, yeah. I, I, that's the, the service industry. I mean, like, the stories again, like, as a stand up, I'm a, I'm in the service industry industry myself. Like, I deal with audience and, you know, just the gen pop coming in. Whoever comes in, they can complain and they will, you know, and you go, I think the beauty when someone's like, everyone should be a server, everyone should be in the service industry is the thing you experience more than most people is variables. Like, we see every day is new. Most people, the everyday person, they go into the same office, they see the same people, you kind of know what's coming. And then they go to, hey, I'm gonna go to, I'm gonna go to that restaurant tonight. And it's like, now they're getting their one variable that week. Yeah, and I understand. Like, that's tough. Like, then they're like, wait, why is it so loud in here? This is. And you're like, well, because, you know, depending on where you go, it's loud sometimes.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I'm being a server. Yeah. It does give you going back to, like, sonder. It gives you a great appreciation for the human experience and everything that can happen to a human on the whole spectrum, the good, the bad, the ugly. But it can also, yeah. Make you hate human beings too.

[Tom Schwartz]

Well, you just want to wonder, like, how did you get here? How did you go all these years with being this way?

[Unnamed Co-Host]

How did every moment of your life lead you to this table? Bitching about the noise here in the restaurant? Dude, I could chat with you for hours, but I don't want to take up too much of your time. I know you got limited time in la.

[Tom Schwartz]

Fantastic. I'm so happy.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Where can we. Well, this is gonna come out on Tuesday, but check out the tour.

[Tom Schwartz]

Yeah, it's all over the country, so. Jaredfree.com J R E D F R A I D the specials Instagram at Jared Free. The special's there 37 and single. It's on Netflix until August 13th, so watch it now.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

So funny. I laughed my ass off. Genuinely laugh my ass off.

[Tom Schwartz]

That means a lot to hear. Hopefully there's gonna be a new special. So the only way to like, you know, I. I tell people just follow my because, because I am, you know, just like you. We are our own. I'm my own company. You know, like, you know, it's hard these days with TikTok, you know, there's like, oh, you came across my feed. And I'm like, yeah, well follow so you can see me again. You know, like. And I do podcasts. The UWA podcast is a dating podcast and it's every Wednesday and Friday and me and the. My co host who created batches, Jordana.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Shout out to batches.

[Tom Schwartz]

Shout out to batches. I love, I love working with batches. I've worked with them for like literally it's like my longest relationship. I've been working with batches for like maybe 12 years since I started my podcast and they're the best. So. And they co produce my special. So the new one and the old one. So you're supporting a woman owned business. So if you want to support. If that gets you somewhere, you know, I did it with Betches and we do the podcast together. And you up is truly a special podcast because we have a very uncomfortable conversation comfortably and that's really hard to do where we're talking about dating, we're talking about the icky part of dating. You're getting the male, female point of view. I'm not, you know, kowtowing. I'm not like, you know, I'm not like I'm giving my opinion and what I always say and I'm sure like this is why we connect is like I'm like 10 away from most guys someone's dating. So I'm giving an answer for pretty much every guy you're dating. Wait, sorry, go ahead.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

No, no, you go.

[Tom Schwartz]

No, but I'm just saying like that's, you know, and you're gonna get an honest answer. It might feel annoying or icky, but you're gonna get an answer. I was just.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

You're there to listen and not judge. And based on your life experience, give the best feedback you can.

[Tom Schwartz]

That's the thing when someone writes into us like why isn't he texting back? I remember when I have not texted back and I go back to that place.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Usually it's just practical. I forgot. It's not.

[Tom Schwartz]

Or, but why would you forget about someone you went on a date with? I guess you don't care that much.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Well, go down that rabbit hole. Wait, can I ask you one more question before we go?

[Tom Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Whose podcast was better, Mine or Katie's?

[Tom Schwartz]

Yours. No.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Just kidding.

[Tom Schwartz]

Came with me years. You came to me. That's, that is. There's travel alone but I had a really good time on came.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I'm kidding. No, she, no, I love those girls.

[Tom Schwartz]

I mean I had just met them that day, so.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Oh, you never. I thought you were friends with.

[Tom Schwartz]

I don't know any.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I thought you guys knew.

[Tom Schwartz]

I just met them. So I have the perfect spot to judge you both. Cuz I'm meeting you both for the first time. No, it was wonderful. I, I but this again. You came to my hotel.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I mean like I will always come to your hotel.

[Tom Schwartz]

Beats not moving.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

That's what I'm saying. That's why I, I had, I've had two people in the studio and I felt horrible. Make them come into North Hollywood. You know, I will come to you.

[Tom Schwartz]

I have a relationship. This is the thing people say areas of la, it's like Brooklyn too. I don't know what they're talking about. And I just go, yep. I just like nod my head like you hosting a podcast. I just quietly nod my head. Oh yeah, North Hollywood. Okay, cool. Oh yeah. I don't know. I get in an Uber and I.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Go, you know, I will come to you. I will follow you to the ends of earth. I will meet you on the Great Barrier Reef.

[Tom Schwartz]

Please. I, well listen, I want to hear from Boston and I want to hear Lucky's. Lucky's. And next time you're in New York, we gotta hang out.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

I would love that. Thank you, brother.

[Tom Schwartz]

Thank you.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Appreciate you.

[Jared Freed]

Well, I hope you guys laughed as much as I did. Truly enjoyed my conversation. Thank you, Jared Freed. Thank you sincerely. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I had so much fun again. I could have talked to him for hours. He's the real deal. By the way, if you want to go see him in person, he's on tour table for one. Check out his website, jaredfreed.com also legendary podcast royalty J Train you up. He's the man. Also, check out his Netflix special, 37 and single. I know a little bit about that. More than I'd like to actually hit a little too close to home. So thank you, Jared. Thank you guys for tuning in. Also, you guys, I'm kind of on tour too, if you guys want to come hang out with me. And by the way, when I do these, like, these like, kind of Vander bunches, they feel a little hacky, but I love them. Once I get there, I'm like, oh, my God. I'm reminded why I do it. I have so much fun. We do some trivia. I have vintage Schwartz and Sandy's. One of a kind memorabilia merch that I have for you guys. For the winners. Also, I come and I drink with you guys. Heavy on the retox at these ones. Let's see here. August 10th, I'm gonna be at the Canadian Brewhouse. Yes, the Canadian Brewhouse in Saskatoon, Canada. You know I love you tattooed on my arm. Let's see what else we have. Okay, Saturday, August 16th, I'm gonna be at Little Wood Rose. Yes, Little Wood Rose in San Antonio. It's going down. That's the 16th, 17th back to back, baby. Except this time Little Wood Rose. Houston. Houston, Georgia.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

Where else?

[Jared Freed]

Okay, I'm gonna be at the View House in Denver, Sunday, August 24th. You guys come hang out. It's fun as hell, I promise. Okay, I'm gonna shut up. Before we end, I want to leave you with something. I want to leave you with the first ever fart joke from around 1900 to B.C. from Sumerian texts. Without further ado, here it is. Something which has never occurred since time immemorial. A young woman did not fart in her husband's lap. Okay.

[Tom Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Jared Freed]

Crickets. Crickets. I. I didn't get it either. I don't get it at all, actually. Maybe it got lost in translation. I'm gonna give him the benefit of.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

The doubt also, because it's like 4,000.

[Jared Freed]

Years old, so, you know, maybe we can do one of those simulated laughs.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

We all talked about. Still reap the benefits. Okay. Love you guys.

[Jared Freed]

And I know it's been heavy on the detox lately. I promise we're gonna get a little freaky experimental experiential. Don't worry.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

If you guys want to leave a little review, I would appreciate that so much.

[Jared Freed]

Also, let me know in the comments any sort of mind altering substances you'd like me to try or to learn about. I'll be your huckleberry I mean, guinea pig, but yeah. We're just getting started. We're gonna have lots of fun. So many adventures lie ahead. Alright, this has been another episode of Detox Retox. Love you guys.

[Unnamed Co-Host]

For real?

[Jared Freed]

Real.

[Tom Schwartz]

Okay, bye. Detoxification complete.