Kiana Carroll Comments on Dagger Eyes & “10 Is A 10”!

Summary

Detox Retox with Tom Schwartz

Episode: Kiana Carroll Comments on Dagger Eyes & “10 Is A 10”!
Date: March 25, 2026
Host: Tom Schwartz
Guest: Kiana Carroll

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Episode Overview

This episode is a loose, unstructured "yap session" between Tom Schwartz and his girlfriend, model Kiana Carroll, recorded after a spa day at Voda Spa in West Hollywood. The couple riff candidly about spa euphoria, internet comments, reality TV culture, handling public attention, friend circles, and give listeners an inside look at their dynamic. Much of the conversation centers on addressing recent viral social media moments—most notably criticism of Kiana’s so-called "dagger eyes" during a Vanderpump Rules fan event—as well as their experiences with fame, vulnerability, and online feedback.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Post-Spa State & Voda Spa Review

• The episode opens with Tom and Kiana relishing the relaxed, blissful state after a spa day ("post-spa psychosis" or "sheet-faced"), highlighting the value of self-care and downtime. Tom extols Voda Spa’s chill vibes, full amenities, and perfect balance of "detox and retox."
  • Quote: “There’s just something about sipping a cocktail in a robe before you get a massage that feels heavenly.” — Tom (03:05)
  • Takeaway: Treat yourself to a spa day for mental clarity and rejuvenation.

2. Kiana’s Muscles & The Joys of Doing Nothing

• Kiana jokes about praise from her masseuse for having "top five healthiest muscles"—despite not working out ("I’m a black lap cat"). This leads to a playful discussion on self-validation via unintended compliments and the value of balanced effort.
  • Quote: “If you are working out too hard, you aren’t going to have top five healthiest muscles to a masseuse. And guess who does? Me.” — Kiana (06:58)

3. Relationship Real Talk: The Six-Month Mark & Public Perceptions

• The pair discuss the so-called "six month relationship theory"—the end of the honeymoon phase—and how, thanks to TikTok, every milestone now comes with a viral "theory."
• Kiana addresses internet criticism that paints her as mean or cold ("dagger eyes").
  • Quote: “Some people think that makes me a crazy bitch... On TikTok, people think I am mean. I have dagger eyes.” — Kiana (09:06)

4. Comfort Shows & Media Nostalgia

• The duo debate the merits of various comfort TV shows:
  • Kiana: "Gossip Girl" is her number one, narrowly overtaking "Desperate Housewives" (14:00).
  • Tom: "Friends" is his go-to, but he’s sentimental for "The OC.”
• They discuss how reality TV like "Vanderpump Rules" has become fans’ comfort food, even as it documents real-life pain.
  • Quote: “I’m glad that our pain is your pleasure.” — Tom (14:48)
  • Kiana's response: “Y’all were a damn mess. And it makes you feel better about when you were a damn mess.” (15:07)

5. Dog-Sitting & the Realities of Pet Parenting

• Kiana shares her first-ever experience dog-sitting Tom’s dogs, being a “cat lady,” and the rude shock of 6am wake-ups. The segment brings out both her admiration for Tom’s dog-dad skills and new respect for pet routines.
  • Quote: “I did not... Not only with your communication, but you send constant pictures of them. So happy. Belly up.” — Kiana (17:11)
  • Quote: “There’s nothing I hate more than waking up early. He has seen me wake up early for work, and it is like, it feels like cruel and unusual punishment.” — Kiana (19:19)

6. TomTom Update: Processing the End of an Era

• Tom reveals that TomTom Bar has hit the market and reflects emotionally on the end of this business chapter. Both discuss their fond memories tied to the space.
  • Quote: “It was like an emotional tidal wave hearing that... It helped mature me... It’s fucking cool to have a bar in West Hollywood with your name on the side.” — Tom (22:11)

7. Vander Brunch Events, Social Anxiety, and Viral TikTok Critiques

• Kiana details what it was like to be in the public eye at a Tampa "Vander Brunch," and addresses a viral TikTok accusing her of giving Tom "dagger eyes" and being unfriendly.
  • She explains the nerves and awkwardness of new public scrutiny ("I'm staying in those comments"), and clarifies that her reserved energy comes from being new to this environment—not hostility.
  • Quote: “If we got in a fight, I wouldn’t have brought my parents the next day.” — Kiana (36:01)
  • Tom recounts a fan asking him to sign her boobs, and both discuss boundaries at reality TV events.
  • Quote: “You're gonna admit that I ask him to sign your boobs? Sorry, I can have a boundary. Maybe he don't, but I do.” — Kiana (39:45)

8. Social Media, Boundaries & The Search for Balance

• The couple reflects on being hyper-online, the anxiety of constant connectedness, and how sometimes digital detox is needed—though Kiana pushes back, saying she loves her phone and the distraction it brings.
  • Quote: “When’s the last time you climbed a tree or caught a wave? ... I’m sorry, I’m on that phone.” — Kiana (51:33)

9. Friendship Circles: Depth Over Breadth

• Kiana advocates for having a very small, tight-knit circle ("two best friends, literally"), arguing that it keeps life simpler and less stressful.
  • Discusses the difference between best friends and acquaintances, and embracing being an "ambivert."
  • Quote: “It's so sweet not dealing with any guilt because the circle is small. The only people expecting anything from me are just the people I want to give something to.” — Kiana (46:08)

10. Fame, Boundaries, and Model Insecurities

• Tom and Kiana riff on their experiences with fame, comparing their experiences to celebrities like Chapel Roan, and discussing the pressures and boundaries needed.
• Kiana addresses people reading too far into her public body language (covering her face in photos): As a model, she’s only comfortable in front of the camera “in model mode”, not as herself, which is why she’s shy in casual snaps.
  • Quote: “When I model, I am no longer Kiana who hates photos being taken of me. I have to switch. I flip a switch, I turn into Kiki... When I am me... I hate photos being taken of me. I’m so scared to look bad.” — Kiana (58:38)

11. "A 10 Is a 10" — Letting People Feel Their Feelings

• Kiana introduces “ten’s a ten” as a catch-all for relative privilege/fairness in feelings—her philosophy is not to compare your happiness or problems with others; everyone’s feelings are valid in their context.
  • Quote: “If I’m happy, don’t tell me someone’s having a better day and just won the lottery... If I’m sad and you guys think it’s lame that I’m sad about it, fair enough, but let me feel my feelings. Let that out, girl.” — Kiana (62:01)
  • Tom: “A ten’s a ten. It’s simple, but it’s wise.” (61:43)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Spa Euphoria:
  • “This is your sign to give yourself a spa day.” — Tom (03:35)
• On Shifting Public Perception:
  • “Some people think that makes me a crazy bitch.” — Kiana, on being joking and sarcastic (09:06)
• On Reality TV Comfort:
  • “I’m glad that our pain is your pleasure.” — Tom (14:48)
  • “Y’ all were a damn mess. And it makes you feel better about when you were a damn mess.” — Kiana (15:07)
• On the End of TomTom:
  • “It was like an emotional tidal wave hearing that... I have a very strong sense of pride. I love the staff there. I love West Hollywood.” — Tom (22:11)
• On Social Media Criticism:
  • “Would you not be looking up your name and seeing everything said about you? Sorry, I am.” — Kiana (34:38)
  • “If we got in a fight, I wouldn’t have brought my parents the next day.” — Kiana (36:01)
• On Boundaries with Fans:
  • “You're gonna admit that I ask him to sign your boobs? Sorry, I can have a boundary. Maybe he don't, but I do.” — Kiana (39:45)
• On Being “A 10”:
  • “A 10’s a 10. It’s simple, but it’s wise.” — Tom (61:43)
  • “If I’m happy, don’t tell me someone else out there is happier... Let that out, girl.” — Kiana (62:01)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Time | Content | |----------|--------------------------------------------------------| | 03:05 | The spa experience & "sheet-faced" relaxation | | 06:22 | Kiana’s “healthiest muscles” masseuse compliment | | 07:33 | Relationship status; six month milestone theory | | 09:06 | Kiana addresses “dagger eyes” and TikTok criticism | | 14:00 | Comfort TV shows—OC vs. Gossip Girl, Desperate Housewives| | 17:11 | Kiana’s dog-sitting adventures | | 21:15 | TomTom put up for sale; personal reflections | | 36:01 | Viral TikTok: Kiana’s ‘dagger eyes’ at fan event | | 39:45 | Boundaries at reality TV events—signing fans’ boobs | | 46:08 | Kiana on small friendship circles | | 51:33 | Arguments over phone addiction, digital detox trends | | 58:38 | Kiana explains her modeling persona vs. real self | | 62:01 | “A Ten is a Ten”—letting people own their feelings | | 63:06 | Episode wrap: love, friends, and signing off |

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Tone and Language

• The episode is playful, candid, and irreverent—the tone swings between goofy banter, self-deprecating honesty, and thoughtful reflection.
• Both Tom and Kiana use light profanity and internet slang ("sheet-faced", "yap session", "let that out, girl").
• There is consistent humor, frequent inside jokes, and self-aware references to their public personas and reality TV backgrounds.

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Conclusion

This episode pulls back the curtain on Tom and Kiana’s relationship and personalities. Through repeated references to real-life events, "internet feedback loops," and their vulnerabilities, listeners see the realities of post-reality TV life. Kiana’s assertive responses to criticism—“I’m staying in the comments, sorry”—and Tom’s commentary on change and nostalgia make this a relatable, modern, and highly engaging listen for fans and newcomers alike.

Listeners can expect insight into behind-the-scenes reality TV culture, the pressure of public scrutiny, lessons in self-acceptance, and plenty of fun, lighthearted moments.

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Memorable send-off:
“A ten is a ten. It’s simple, but it’s wise... Let that out, girl.” — Kiana (62:01)

Transcript

[A]

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[A]

It's now time for your weekly detox with Tom Schwartz.

[B]

God's what is up? How are you today on the show? Fresh off a lovely trip to Canada. Oh, Canada, you know I love you. We lived, laughed, loved. Thank you, Barry. Thank you, Oshawa the dirty schwa. I had so much fun. Also, shout out to the Toronto Maple Leafs for all the love the custom jersey Canadian brewhouse. You know I love you and your fried pickles. However, I think it's time to abolish the Burt Reynolds shot. Those things are sinister. By the way, do you guys know that Canada covers massage therapy with insurance America? You gotta step your game up, eh? Like, come on now. But yeah, back in LA, trying to emotionally process the end days of TomTom. We might touch on that. But yeah, Katie was out of town on vacay, so Kiana, my dream boat of a girlfriend, watched the pups over the weekend, Gordo and Butters. And I wanted to thank her, return the favor with a little sex in the city to esque spa day, little wine and dine. So yeah, Kiana and I hit vodospa and we held my favorite spot in LA for a nice chill detox retox session and then we just kind of have a happy yap afterwards. Little loose egosy. I like a structured episode, but I thought we could use a good yap session. So yeah. Join us today for a little post spa psychosis, meaning that kind of happy delirium you get after a massage. You know what I'm talking about? There's actually a term for that. Today we're gonna get sheet faced. Yeah, it's like that happy feeling you get after a really good relaxing massage. Sheet, sheet faced, punny or like massage drunk. They're both industry terms. It kind of just describes how, like, after you really lean into that deep state of relaxation, you just kind of feel dreamy, half awake, half asleep. So soothed cortisol levels way down. Your parasympathetic system takes over and just says, yo, sympathetic, nervous Nelly. Why don't you take the night off? Take a chill pill. I got this. Yeah. Photo spa. Love it there. They got a full kitchen, bar, steam room, cold plunge, hot tubs, facials, massages, scrubs, all the fixings. I love that spot, the perfect spot where you can kind of detox and retox in perfect harmony. Yeah, there's just something about sipping a cocktail in a robe before you get a massage that feels heavenly. Yes. Like you're at the pearly gates. It feels lavish, luxurious. So let's do it. Let's get a massage. This is your sign to give yourself a spa day. That is the takeaway from today's episode. Go treat yourself. There's so many therapeutic benefits. Just Google it. I won't ramble through them. You just feel awesome afterwards. Akiki, Kiana, thank you for joining us. Rachel and Kiana, thanks for dealing with Gordo and Butters, farts and snoring and, yeah, key. Thank you for making me laugh every damn day. Canada. What else can I say? You know I love you. Okay, next spot. Let's stop. Let's. Let's pick up with that little post spa euphoria.

[A]

Start recording now. Well, because that's part of what I said.

[B]

It is.

[A]

You guys just start recording because right now we're talking authentically.

[B]

Listen, Kiana told me I need to loosen up a little bit.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Welcome to another episode. We just detoxed and retoxed at my favorite place to do so. The best of both worlds. We found harmony. We are harmonizing right now. We went to Voda Spa, West Hollywood. Kiana got a massage. We had a few cocktails at the bar. It's a Russian spa in West Hollywood. It has a kitchen, a bar. Last time, if you guys listen. I did the Venick treatment with Jesse Lally from the Valley. That's where you take the eucalyptus or birch twigs and you kind of whack each other. It's good for circulation. All that other stuff, yada, yada.

[A]

You go with Jason where it was. Terrible sound.

[B]

Oh, okay. That. Okay. I should apologize to all the listeners, by the way.

[A]

Sorry. Is it bad I mentioned?

[B]

No, we went to Granville.

[A]

I'd like to address that.

[B]

The irony. The irony of that episode. Is because it was supposed to be all about sound healing sounds and sound frequencies and it sounded like shite. Although the sound of Jason's voice is very nice, by the way. Did you enjoy Voduspa?

[A]

I definitely enjoyed it. Felt very relaxed. Great massage, great experience, great hot tub.

[B]

We still got the chlorine cocktails. Great cocktails. We still have the chlorine on our

[A]

skin and I can definitely smell it.

[B]

What did the masseuse tell you after your massage?

[A]

Oh, the masseuse told me I have very healthy muscles. She said, I've been doing this for 13 years and top five healthiest muscles. And I was like, oh, I don't even work out. So that's so flattering. And then she said, I can just tell you don't overextend yourself. And you. She essentially said, you don't push yourself too hard. And I was like, okay, so you're just telling me I'm don't fucking do shit.

[B]

She essentially said that you're a lap cat.

[A]

And you know what? I am.

[B]

You're a black lap cat.

[A]

I am.

[B]

That's your energy, that's your spirit animal.

[A]

I am. And my muscles are here to prove it. And guess what, guys, if you are working out too hard, you aren't going to have top five healthiest muscles to a masseuse. And guess who does? Me. You know, so dad, I know you want me to be working out right now. I'm not. And guess who has healthy muscles. Me. Probably better than yours.

[B]

All that lack of effort was worth it just to get that. The accolades, the validation from your masseuse, shout out to. I don't know if you remember her name. I think it was Tia. Photo Spot. By the way, speaking of names, you guys, who are you?

[A]

I'm Kiana Carroll. Yeah.

[B]

Wait, what's our relationship?

[A]

Why don't you tell. Why don't you tell the fans?

[B]

She's my girlfriend.

[A]

I am his girlfriend.

[B]

We're coming up on the six month mark.

[A]

Y' all heard of the six month theory?

[B]

We don't have to dissect that. That becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Don't even put it out there. Is that an established thing after six months?

[A]

Well, people, yes.

[B]

Well, that's. They say that's around the time the honeymoon phase kind of wears off.

[A]

People. Well, I mean, on TikTok, like everyone fucking makes everything a theory. But people do say at three months there's something that happens and at six months there's something that happens. Yeah, I think at three months with you, what Would that be. I think it definitely didn't feel like there was a transition on. Maybe I was extra comfortable with you. Yeah, I would say. I would say that's when I felt extra comfortable with you, even though I always felt comfortable with you. Six months is where gets real. Gets real. Well, that's.

[B]

That's according to the theory and according to experience. You guys. Okay? It's the Kiana curse. Hey, listen, if we can make it past six months, we can make it all the way. Maybe we can go the distance.

[A]

Okay. We joke. Oh, I'd like to say that's something we do, guys. We joke.

[B]

We joke.

[A]

We joke. And some people think that makes me a crazy bitch.

[B]

No one thinks you're a crazy bitch.

[A]

I stay in those comments and on TikTok, people think I am mean. I have dagger eyes.

[B]

Well, we're going to circle back to that because I host these events sometimes. Lots of them are in Canada, but sometimes I'll do them in the U.S. kiana and her family came to my event at Tampa.

[A]

I'm from there. That's my hometown.

[B]

She's a Florida girl at heart. I mean, no, you're. You're cosmopolitan. You've jets, you've been all around the world. But, like, you got a little Florida girl, Florida woman in you.

[A]

I do.

[B]

You do. Detox Retox is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. You chose to hit play on this podcast today. Smart choice. Progressive loves to help people make smart choices. That's why they offer a tool called Auto Quote Explorer that allows you to compare your Progressive car insurance quote with rates from other companies. So you save time on the research and you can enjoy the savings when you choose the best rate for you. Give it a try after this [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates not available in all states or situations. Prices vary based on how you buy. The Bleacher Report app is your destination for sports right now. The NBA is heating up, March Madness is here, and MLB is almost back. Every day there's a new headline, a new highlight, a new moment you've got to see for yourself. That's why I stay locked in with the Bleacher Report app. For me, it's about staying connected to my sports. I can follow the teams I care about, get real time scores, breaking news and highlights all in one place. Download the Bleacher Report app today so you never miss a moment. You know what I just realized now we're sitting here, you guys. I have been watching Gossip Girl, a late adopter, and we Watched the finale

[A]

tonight, and I cried, like, three times, which is crazy, because I've watched the show all the way through, like, 10 times. I am PMSing.

[B]

Listen, I was with you, though. I like the show. It was great. It's like. It's.

[A]

Say it.

[B]

It's like, okay, what has the same writer as the oc, which I think is one of the most iconic shows ever, forever changed the landscape of television? I really do. I feel like it just perfectly captured the zeitgeist, the music, the casting. You know, it made me yearn to live in California.

[A]

It made me have. Okay, I always wanted to live in California. I always wanted to live in la. But it did make me think, okay, my future is going to be. I will live in LA while I'm young, and when I want to settle down, I'm going to the oc. Yeah, it really did inspire that for me. I love the oc. So let me. Let me say that. I did love those.

[B]

See, the OC's great. So was Gossip Girl. I gotta say, however, it was a little jarring seeing Bart. Bart get dropped off the building by Chuck Bass.

[A]

Spoiler alert.

[B]

Spoiler alert.

[A]

Like, if you haven't seen it by

[B]

now, like, he essentially murders his dad,

[A]

and it seems he essentially was gonna murder his son.

[B]

Yeah, that's true.

[A]

You didn't really pay attention to all the nuance.

[B]

It felt a little rushed, I'll say that. But it was a good finale. I didn't cry three times. I teared up.

[A]

Maybe I said five. I think. I think I cried five times.

[B]

You know what's crazy? That's. Would you say that's your number one comfort show?

[A]

Well, for the longest time, I would say it was Desperate Housewives, and I stayed true to that. And then we recently did my most recent rewatch, obviously, and. And I think I changed my mind. I think I might say Gossip Girl is my number one.

[B]

It's your number one.

[A]

I think it might be.

[B]

It's your safe place. It's. I. For me, it's friends.

[A]

I truly feel like I'm betraying Desperate Housewives by saying that it's neck and neck, but I do think Gossip Girl might be number one.

[B]

You know what's crazy to me, Kiana? So many people when I.

[A]

Wait, you didn't say it?

[B]

No.

[A]

You didn't say your opinion. And what we discussed earlier, you said the OC is better than Gossip Girl.

[B]

It is.

[A]

It. It just, like, isn't, period.

[B]

It just isn't the casting, and I

[A]

deeply love both shows. But it just isn't. Which is also funny because I ride for the west coast more and you ride for New York more. But I like Gossip Girl more, which is New York, and you like the OC More, which is California more.

[B]

It is ironic.

[A]

Yeah, you would think it's swapped.

[B]

I don't know. I'm just more sentimental about the OC I could rewatch it a thousand times. It never gets old.

[A]

Okay, you know what? That's such a big factor in loving a show. You more sentimental about it. I'm so sentimental about Gossip Girl.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, I have watched it for years, so many times. Like, it. Like, it hits deep.

[B]

It's. It's.

[A]

I watched that in high school, dreaming of one day getting out of Tampa and, like, living the good life. And then it happened.

[B]

Then it happened.

[A]

I remember getting my apartment in New York, and I literally. I walked in there fully unfurnished. It was like the first day we got the keys and I sat on the floor thinking about Gossip Girl and I started crying.

[B]

During the pandemic, you went to one of the spot where Chuck and Blair got married several times. And you danced your heart out.

[A]

Yes, with my cousin Mikey. Shout out, Mikey.

[B]

Shout out to Mikey.

[A]

By the way, beneath my wings.

[B]

He really is. You gotta give Rachel a shout out too.

[A]

And. Oh, my God, that's what I was just thinking. And Rachel of the wind.

[B]

These are her as well. So, Kiana. Well, first of all, before we move on for comfort shows, what weird thing I experience since Vanderpump Rules is ended even while it was airing, people come to me all the time and they're like, schwartz, Vanderpump Rules is my Gossip Girl. It's my comfort show. I put it on.

[A]

I get that.

[B]

After a long, stressful day at work, I fall asleep to it. And the ongoing joke is like, I'm glad that our pain is your pleasure. But it's weird to hear that because it was. I guess it was my life. I mean, this is.

[A]

That would mind. Fuck me so bad.

[B]

Yeah, but it's all real.

[A]

As someone who's seen some of it, I do get it. Because y' all were a damn mess. And it makes you feel better about when you were a damn mess. There have been times where I have had really bad anxiety, and I'm like, let's put that on. Because whatever I've done, they've done worse.

[B]

I think for me, I think my go to is friends. Or like, Anthony Bourdain.

[A]

Sorry, was that bad to say?

[B]

No.

[A]

I mean, I think everyone's thinking it.

[B]

There's no rules. This is a yap session.

[A]

Oh. I said, don't filter me.

[B]

Yeah, don't.

[A]

Don't hold me back When I started, I said, don't filter me. We need to let this podcast be loose.

[B]

Yes. You guys, listen. This is not a podcast intervention, but every once in a while, it might be nice to have a glass of wine, hit the spa, and just riff a little bit. She said, sometimes I'm a little too structured. That was your constructive criticism?

[A]

Yes. I am someone that likes watching podcasts that aren't as structured. I like when it feels like a hangout. So I was like, you should do a couple episodes that feel like that everyone loves you. From Vanderpump Rules, which felt like a hangout. They saw your real life. So I just think people will enjoy every once in a while just hanging out and sitting with you.

[B]

Well, we're just fucking hanging right now.

[A]

We really are.

[B]

We're decompressing from our spa session, which was lovely, by the way. Oh, I wanted to give you a shout out. Okay.

[A]

Me?

[B]

Because I just got back from Canada. I was in Barry.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

And Oshawa. And usually Katie watches the dogs when I leave town. She was in the Bahamas. Shout out to Katie.

[A]

Shout out, Katie.

[B]

And you know who stepped up and said, I'll watch the dogs? Kiana. Carol.

[A]

And I have never watched dogs before. I am a cat lady.

[B]

You are? Yes.

[A]

I grew up with a cat for 19 beautiful years. Shout out, Patches. And this was my first time dog sitting. And I have seen the love and care he puts into these dogs. They are so spoiled and so loved. And I knew I had to step the fuck up. And I did.

[B]

You really did.

[A]

And I did not.

[B]

Not only with your communication, but you send constant pictures of them.

[A]

So happy. Belly up.

[B]

Belly up.

[A]

One thing that really helped them have a great time is the fact that me and Rachel were both here pet sitting, and all we do is sit on the couch and watch tv. So they were loving that.

[B]

That's their favorite thing to do in life is couch rot.

[A]

That is mine.

[B]

I mean, they love their walks and they love playing and everything, but they love.

[A]

Not my favorite. Yeah, But I did step up and I did do those walks, but I love to sit on the couch.

[B]

This is why she needed the spa treatment. My love Kiana. An angel on this earth if there ever was one. She spent the whole weekend picking up their shit, having them fart in their face.

[A]

Oh, so many goddamn snoring.

[B]

But also all night. You take the good with the bad. They also are the best cuddlers. World class cuddlers.

[A]

Well, me and Rachel had so many moments where we were like, this is what makes it all worth it.

[B]

Fresh off. Okay. It's been like 40. It's been. It's less than a day since your first babysitting session for the pups. Best and worst parts of dog watching all weekend are.

[A]

You're asking me?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Worst part, I'm like, literally the farthest thing from a morning person. Worst part is absolutely the early morning wakeups. When it is early and I hear Gordo sneezing and Butter's coming up to me and I know it means they need a walk and it's 7aM I'm like, oh, my God. God, this is so hard.

[B]

It's like clockwork, you guys. Every Single day at 6am Gordo is up in your face sneezing until you wake up. He will not let you drift off or sleep in. He's militant and he gets what he wants.

[A]

This definitely gave me, like, totally newfound respect for you because I don't know how you do it, like, all the time. Because I had a taste of it for four days and it was like, oh, my God. Today being the last day, I was like, oh, I don't know if I could have done another day of these early wakeups. But I do have to emphasize how much of it is that I'm not a morning person. There's nothing I hate more than waking up early. He has seen me wake up early for work, and it is like, it feels like cruel and unusual punishment. Like, it's torture. I cried before waking up early and, like, waking up sitting on the toilet to pee in the morning, and I'm like, crying. Cause I'm like, this is, like, insane that I'm awake right now. It's terrible though.

[B]

You are curmudgeon. You have, like, existential dread in the

[A]

morning, but I'm a night owl. Well, I will be tired all day laying on the couch all day. The sun goes down, the moon is out, and I'm alive. I want to have fun.

[B]

You are activated.

[A]

Yeah, I am nocturnal. As are cats, I think.

[B]

But you rose to the occasion, literally and figuratively. You bonded with our boys.

[A]

That stepped up.

[B]

By the way, what sign is Butters again?

[A]

Okay, like, I don't know, actually. But he does give cancer and Rachel's a cancer, and they connected a lot. I think Butters did get attached to me. But me and Rachel both kept saying, like, she's more Butters and I am more Gordo. And Rachel's a cancer. Butters really feels like a cancer. Like, I would love to get his chart because he really feels like a cancer. If he's not a cancer son, he's a cancer. Cancer moon.

[B]

Ally, if you're out there, we need a reading on the dogs.

[A]

There's cancer somewhere in that chart. I can say that with confidence.

[B]

Well, you brought me great comfort and peace. Thank you for stepping up and filling

[A]

in even though it was tough.

[B]

Happily, happily.

[A]

Hey, guys, it's your friend Michelle Collins, and I'm here to invite you to listen to the Michelle Collins Show.

[B]

Yes, that's my show.

[A]

Unfiltered, unscripted, unhinged, and covers pretty much everything you're going to want to care about. It's funny, it's fearless. It could go off the rails at

[B]

any moment and often does.

[A]

So follow rate and review the Michelle Collins show wherever you get your podcasts. And let's spiral together.

[B]

Right before I left, I was sitting on the tarmac at LAX and I got calls from Lisa Vanderpump and Ken Todd sequentially. And I couldn't answer because we were literally just about to take off and they both texted me and they gave me the news. TomTom has hit the market. TomTom is for sale. It's still gonna be open for a while. And we kind of knew this was coming. Business has been rough out there in

[A]

all of Los Angeles.

[B]

There's. I mean, like, so many.

[A]

There's so many places I used to love going to that are closed.

[B]

Yeah, it's. It's. Listen, I mean, there's. There's a lot more to it than that, but, like, I'm kind of sad. But we also kind of knew this was coming because business.

[A]

I didn't. I had no warning.

[B]

I know. You guys, if you're listening, please come. We're gonna throw some last hurrahs. We'll still be open for a while, and I'm gonna do a whole special episode at TomTom and we're gonna film it and.

[A]

Yeah, that's nice.

[B]

I didn't know that, but what was my point? Oh, it was just like. Listen, I.

[A]

Honestly, a lot was happening.

[B]

It. It was like. It was like an emotional tidal wave hearing that. Even though I kind of knew it was coming and. And it was just comforting to know that the dogs were here, cozied up with you.

[A]

I'm, like, far less attached to it, obviously, than you, but it was even emotional for me. Cause some of My best weekends ever since we've been dating have been spent going to TomTom and knowing you are gonna be occupied by everyone and I am gonna be with Rachel having fun. But we're getting those vodka sodas and we're having a blast. But I have had some of my most favorite weekends of my whole entire life there.

[B]

So I've had some very formative years there. Like, listen, was it the most lucrative endeavor? No, but it was very rewarding. And in so many other ways, it helped me grow as a person, which I might. Maybe that sounds like malarkey, but it really did. It helped mature me and it, like. Also, I have a very strong sense of pride. I love the staff there. I love West Hollywood. It's fucking cool to have a bar in West Hollywood with your name on the side. It's a.

[A]

That's a flex.

[B]

Even if you even, like, nobody cares that you're a minority stakeholder. It's cool. It's like you have a bar in la.

[A]

If there was a Keanu Kiana, it's

[B]

good for the hope.

[A]

If there was a Kiana, Rachel, I'd be freaking.

[B]

Yeah. I'm saying.

[A]

Very proud.

[B]

Listen, tread lightly. I wouldn't recommend it.

[A]

Not doing it, but if it happened, I would be very proud.

[B]

But. So it's not Rip Tom. Tom yet, but it's.

[A]

Prepare for the art.

[B]

We're not ready for the eulogy. But.

[A]

But prepare yourself.

[B]

The seed has been planted.

[A]

The seed has been planted. So prepare. But before it's gone, let's get out to TomTom and let's have some fun. Fun people.

[B]

After that, I. I flew. I landed in Toronto. I spent the night there. I went to a Leafs game. Shout out to Benji. Shout out to Benji. And then. And then I went to Barry, which I love. And. And then I went to Oshawa. And so you guys. I do these events. Kiana, do you want to describe from your point of view what these events are like? These Vander brunches, they're.

[A]

Let me get comfy.

[B]

Do you want me to go first?

[A]

No, I can't.

[B]

Well, how would you describe it to someone who's never attended? It's very nostalgic, very sentimental.

[A]

Okay. It feels like. Okay. I've been a major fan girl my whole life of so many different people. Like, I. Not a you. So don't get a big head.

[B]

No.

[A]

But of other people. So I understand, like, being a huge fan of someone, so I guess that is how they feel. But it basically is just a huge event where it's just a party, having fun and getting to meet someone that likes you. Definitely also feel connected with because you watch them on reality tv. So, like, you feel more connected to them than like, I would to Taylor Swift.

[B]

I mean, we grew up together.

[A]

The ins and outs of her.

[B]

We were in each other's lives for over a decade.

[A]

Yes. So then I understand why when you do these events, like, people feel a strong connection and they're like, I could be friends with you. Like, I see how fun you are. Like, I'm fun. I so get it. Yeah. But it just. It's essentially a big party where everyone is after you for your attention.

[B]

They're not lusting after me.

[A]

No.

[B]

Well, no. No one's lusting. No, it feels very. It feels very homey.

[A]

I genuinely meant that as like, everyone's after you for, like, a fan moment.

[B]

Well, no, you guys. So essentially what we do, which is why they came.

[A]

So.

[B]

Yeah, we have. So wherever I'm hosting curates the menu inspired by sir and Tom. Tom, Go Cheese balls, Pump teenies, all that good stuff.

[A]

Wait, they serve that?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I didn't even know that.

[B]

Yeah. And then we do trivia. I write the questions. It's really fun. By the way, I had a revelation. It started in Tampa. And I. And I've been going through the stats, the Vanderpump rules stats. Listen to this. Kiana.

[A]

Why did the revelation start in Tampa?

[B]

Well, because I was just curious. I was thinking about, like, where we rank in in terms of, like, great reality shows. And I'm not going to say that we're the greatest, but, like, statistically speaking, we might be, like, top three in terms of. Listen to these stats real quick.

[A]

I.

[B]

You guys, Vanderpump rule stats. We talked about this in Barry and Oshawa, started to shout out to both of them. And I'm so happy that I didn't get measles while I was in Oshawa. We could circle back to that. Apparently, there was a small outbreak and someone emailed us at TomTom and they, first of all, were just baffled as to why we would ever come back. I love Oshawa the dirty schwa and I had such a good time there. But we'll come back to that. Listen to this. Okay, Vanderpump rule stats. Engagements, seven engagements, 11 seasons, seven engagements, five weddings. Two for Sheena, two for me, one for Jax. Am I missing any? Sorry. Is that awkward? Three divorces, two ass tattoos, and now two bar closures.

[A]

Well, y' all have seen it all,

[B]

and of course One chunky knit sweater line from Jax.

[A]

I'll never really fully understand that.

[B]

But you watched bits and pieces of it, right?

[A]

No, I have, but I don't understand why that was so important. Is it cuz, like, why'd he wear that to Vegas?

[B]

It was just like his signature look.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

And it. Yeah, listen, they were pretty cool. I have one somewhere buried in my. But anyways, you have one. I have one somewhere. The only other one I know that's in existence is in the clubhouse with Andy Cohen. Shout out to Andy. Watch what happens live. It's hanging on the wall, I think. Me too. Andy's so charming. If you guys ever wondering what he's like in person. I get asked that a lot. He's so friendly. He's this like. He's just got like star quality. But he's also. He's so genuine. When he comes in, he asks about your family, checks in on you. Do you need a drink? Hugging? Yeah. Oh, he's gonna love you. Oh, so Keanu.

[A]

So excited. And my mom as well.

[B]

Kiana lives in New York. She's Bico. New York and la.

[A]

Yes, I have an apartment in both. I don't like when people fully say New York because I do like LA more.

[B]

Okay. I live in both. Listen, I know it's gotta make that correction. And she, she's always like, because New York's my favorite city in the world, unequivocally not mine. And she says that I can't say that until I've lived there. And I've never lived there.

[A]

Yes. Whoever is listening, I think most people could agree. A lot of people who live there will still say it is the best city in the world. But I think you can agree if you hear it is better to visit than it is to live. It's such a different experience when you live there. When you're visiting and you're staying at a hotel and everything's easy. Yeah. It is so fun. You're there for a little bit. It's a. A blast. I have so much fun there. When you're there in the dead of winter and you're depressed and you're walking blocks with heavy groceries. It ain't no fun.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Ain't sweet.

[B]

Listen, but like, don't you like, when I go there, I feel like Nate Archibald. Right.

[A]

I don't.

[B]

I feel like I'm in a movie.

[A]

Yes. Cuz you're visiting.

[B]

I like everything is new and exciting.

[A]

Like landing after a red eye. Going into work with. With like one eye open and then, like, waking up to the freezing cold. Okay.

[B]

You get seasonal depression.

[A]

I'm. Yes. I am extra hating on it right now because it is winter, actually, we're coming out of it. But the last time I was there, it was very cold. So I'm extra hating on it right now. When it is spring and summer, I will speak about it a little bit better. I do have fun during the spring and summer there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And the fall, I. I'm gonna be a big hater during the winter. I just hate winter. I grew up in Florida.

[B]

You need to apologize to New York right now.

[A]

Well, no. What the harm it's done to me during winter is, no, I will not apologize.

[B]

But it's helped shape you into the person you are today. It's given you more grit.

[A]

Right. For sure.

[B]

If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. The city that never.

[A]

I. I actually do think like that is true. Yeah, it's true. Especially the humbling first days when I live there. Oh, my God. First place I lived there. Well, first place I lived, there was a model apartment. Next place, fifth floor, walk up, shower so small you can't even bend down to shave your legs. Like, it is humble beginnings when you go to New York.

[B]

And that was probably $4,000 too.

[A]

Yeah. And now I have a beautiful. I have a beautiful apartment. But humble beginnings. And it did shape me.

[B]

Shout out Midtown East.

[A]

Okay, let's not expose that. Let's not expose. That's not.

[B]

They're not going to know where your address is.

[A]

Well, let's also just not expose that I live there because everyone's a fucking hater.

[B]

People hate on Midtown. Midtown.

[A]

Oh, no, I hate on Midtown.

[B]

Yeah, you're Midtown East.

[A]

Very specific on its Midtown East. And I also want to say I live with my cousin, as we said earlier, the wind beneath my wings. Mikey. I live there because it's convenient for his work. And I know I'm not in New York full time. So for my roommate in New York and my roommate in la, I let them pick locations because I don't fully live in either. So I'm like, okay, wherever it makes the most sense for you guys, I'll live there. So I didn't pick Midtown East. It chose me. Mikey chose it. And then it chose me. And I have grown to love it and every hater on it. Okay, shut up. You know what? When I go out in the East Village and I go out in Lower east side, there is a line out the door to get into the bars. And guess what? In Midtown East. I'm going to the same bars that are the same vibe and no line out the door. And I'm having just as fun of a time.

[B]

And you have some gems. You. As. As far as I'm concerned, your local bar. I'm not going to say the name, but it's essentially like McLaren's Club and McLaren's Bar and how I met your mother, like, that is your Never watched by. Oh, how I met your mother.

[A]

I never watched.

[B]

Oh, that. Oh, that's like your, that's like your friend's cop. Wait, what's the name of the friend's coffee shop? I can't think of it.

[A]

Watch that either.

[B]

Oh, my God. Anyways, anyways, it's your Cheers bar. You know what Cheers is? Anyways, and, and, and I love your little neighborhood. It's so cool.

[A]

Yeah. So all the haters on Midtown east, chill a little bit and talk to me when you live there. I mean, I definitely did just hate on New York a lot, but all things given. Is that the saying?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All things considered, I will say whatever the saying is.

[B]

You got a post massage?

[A]

Yeah, guys, I just had a massage and a glass wine. I don't love New York, but I do love my neighborhood.

[B]

Yeah, you're so chic. Well, you're so chic. Sometimes I feel, I feel like you're like 10% cooler when you're in New York. La Kiana is cool too.

[A]

I won't lie. I am more chic when I'm there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Mainly because when I am here, all, all I'm wearing is a T shirt and jeans. A T shirt and jorts. When I'm in New York, I step up to the plate. I'm going to those castings. I'm looking chic when I'm here. I think that might be why I like it more. Like, I just feel a lot more relaxed.

[B]

You're like a T shirt and jeans kind of girl.

[A]

I, I, I am. And I'm not.

[B]

When you're in, when you're in California, yes.

[A]

I have two sides. I have Keanu, I have Kiki.

[B]

But where do you genuinely, generally speaking, you feel better, more yourself In California. This.

[A]

Oh, my God. Buy a 10 miles.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Is it bad? I've been cussing on this.

[B]

No, you can cuss away. This is a chill episode.

[A]

Sorry, guys.

[B]

You know. You know where I feel coolest? When I'm in Canada. The only place I'm cool that's left in the world is Canada.

[A]

Oh, you're cool everywhere.

[B]

No, yeah, we will. Yeah.

[A]

Around me.

[B]

Kiana, like, you know, I look, by the way, I'm so grateful for everyone who comes to the Vander Bunches. They're so fun. You did. And Kiana came. She brought her parents. I met the.

[A]

Oh, let's talk about it.

[B]

Well, let's talk about. Let's talk about. We had a good time. We hosted two days at Jackson's Waterfront, and I think there was like a viral TikTok. I don't know if we have it. Do we have it here, Kiana? We don't.

[A]

Oh. Let me just say if any of you guys like or new to being in the public eye, which right now I am, like, I am a working model, but I've never been like, you're private.

[B]

Yeah, very private.

[A]

Not well known. This is the first time I've been in the public eye. And I want all of you guys to tell me, if you were having that experience for the first time, would you not be looking up your name and seeing everything said about you? Sorry, I am. I do stay in those comments. Everything I do. I'm pretty unapologetic. Unapologetic about. Hell no. Sorry. Something is happening behind the scenes. But I will say I have been staying in those comments. I think once I'm a little bit more used to this life, I will get out of those comments. But I, I, I'm very upfront about who I am and I'm staying in those comments.

[B]

So they need context. Yeah. Why were you in the comments?

[A]

I was in the comments.

[B]

Well, a TikTok went viral and someone said, I have some lukewarm medium hot

[A]

tea, which it definitely was lukewarm.

[B]

But it.

[A]

But it went viral for being lukewarm.

[B]

Listen, I think you kind of.

[A]

Let me explain. What's that? What was that? Okay, so what was said is people went to the Tampa event, which is the first event of his I've gone to.

[B]

We were wiling. We were wilding. It was a great crowd. It got a little rowdy.

[A]

There were two days. The first day I was with him and his friends. Second day I brought my parents because, like I said, that's my hometown. And it was the first time I've been to one of these events. So this is new for me, guys. Okay. Anyway, someone made a TikTok and made me sound like I am a total bitch. And I would like to say right now, I almost was like, wait, am I. No, I'm not. I would like to say. Okay. She was like, oh, my God, this girl had like, eyes. Like a dagger eye daggers. Eye daggers. And she was, like, totally ruining the vibe. She was mad at him the whole time. There were several people commenting, like, oh, my God, they must have gotten in a fight the night before. They were so mad. Guys, if we got in a fight, I wouldn't have brought my parents the next day. If we were in a fight, I wouldn't have been having a fun time with his friends the first day. I want you guys to know this is very new to me. I have never had that many eyes, like, close to me. So when he's, like, giving me hearts, that. First of all, that means he loves me. A lot of people are saying he's doing that because he's scared of me. Okay. Really? You're scared of me?

[B]

I'm. I'm. I'm as scared as I should be.

[A]

Good.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Good. I don't think that's a problem. Good. But he's giving me hearts because he loves me. And if I'm seeming a little bit off putting, it's because this is. Is.

[B]

She has resting face.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Just kidding.

[A]

I. I do.

[B]

You don't. Your face is literally perfect.

[A]

No, I have been told that. But also, this is new to me, guys. He, at one point came up to me, gave me the microphone, and. Was I awkward? Yeah. I was dead sober and just talking to my parents and feeling, like, real at home. And then I had a bunch of eyes on me. I'm not used to it. Okay. Am I going to be awkward? Yeah, all of y' all would be, too.

[B]

But now she. And she has a warped perception because, like, this, like, the first day got a little crazy, I think, also.

[A]

Well, yeah, I'm sorry to cut you off, people.

[B]

No, it's okay. People, like, people were taking lots of shots. And you guys, listen, I. I'm very. I'm like, I have no ego at this point in my life. Right. I'm in my 40s. Like, I don't think I'm hot shit. I don't consider myself famous. But, like, every once in a while, like, it gets kind of fanatic and someone asked me to sign their boobs,

[A]

and mama didn't like that.

[B]

Okay. By the way, I don't.

[A]

None of y' all would either if something like that happened to your boyfriend. Give me some grace.

[B]

Just for the record, of course I thought it was weird, but, like, I. I don't think. I know. I'm not fucking Tommy Lee from Motley Crue also.

[A]

But, like, I wanted to say that you're asking Tom Schwartz. Ask a fucking rock star.

[B]

Okay. That's Carrie Styles.

[A]

Yeah. You're asking a reality tv. TV star. Okay. Like, shoot for the stars, baby. Dream bigger.

[B]

Did you at least have a little moment there? We're like, what am I doing here?

[A]

Why.

[B]

Why am I dating this guy?

[A]

I love you so, so, so much, and that is why I was so happy. Also, I do want to say, guys, I love that people love you, and I love you, and I love that people champion him. I love seeing people rooting for him. And this girl on TikTok did make it seem like I, like, hate every fan, and I, like, don't understand, like, what these events are. And, like. Like, she made it seem very different. I have been in public very many times before these events where people want to take photos. It makes me happy. I will take the photo. I love that you guys are fans of him because I'm a fan of him. He's my boyfriend. But you're gonna admit that I ask him to sign your boobs? Sorry, I can have a boundary. Maybe he don't, but I do.

[B]

That was an isolated incident. People aren't usually asking me to sign their boobs.

[A]

Okay, well, it happened right in front of me.

[B]

That's insane.

[A]

It happened right in front of me. And tell me you ain't gonna make a face. Tell me you're not gonna make a face if that happens. Okay.

[B]

I could feel her eyes on me, burning a hole in my back.

[A]

I will also say he is a golden retriever and I am a black cat. So, like, even if I'm not actually mad, that is kind of my aura. I have a warm heart, and I do. I am like, what's the thing about people?

[B]

You don't have to explain yourself. Kia ora. Everyone's going to be on your side. Like, no, they're not what it makes. That's the most valid reaction ever, by the way.

[A]

TikTok. Apparently not. And I know all the people that are commenting on this are going to be like, oh, she's mad. Oh, she's staying in there.

[B]

Yeah, I like that about you, y'.

[A]

All. Yes. I am saying in the comments, I'm seeing what people are saying, and I don't like that people are getting a false perception of me. People were saying, she needs to know that, like, this is what he does. And, okay, let me not get bitchy. But people were just, like, saying stuff. And, like, you know what? I do know what I signed up for, and that's why I love when people take photos all I'm saying is, sometimes it gets a little too far. And honestly, you. He struggles with making a boundary, so sometimes I'm doing it for his sake. Sometimes I think you guys are a little too aggressive.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

It's very rare. Sometimes I think you guys are a little too forward. Sometimes I think you guys are asking for a bit much. I kind of referencing signing the boobs. I'm kind of referencing.

[B]

That was. Listen, I get it. I get it.

[A]

I love the fans, but sometimes there is a time where it's like. And I get it, too. Like, also, I know you guys are getting drunk at these things, but there is a time where I'm like, okay, it's getting a little far. Let me rein things in. Because, like, let me reign things in.

[B]

So you're saying I need. I need to be a little more Chapel Roan and tell my fans to fuck off. No, I'm kidding. She has healthy boundaries. But as she. I saw this guy on TikTok and he's like, can someone please free Chapel Roan from the shackles of fame?

[A]

Ken.

[B]

But no, but I also, like, I think she probably has some, like, social anxiety. I know she's a star she signed up for, so I have empathy for. But at the same time, I feel like she's probably kind of a. A dick with her fans based on everything I've seen.

[A]

I gotta say, it's like, okay, when someone makes a valid point, but the delivery is so bad because I get it. Like I said, this is how I felt his events, and this is why people hated on me because I seemed a little awkward. I seemed like I was off putting. I seemed standoffish. I. I was a little having social anxiety, which I usually don't have. But I've never had that many eyes on me. If I'm like, with my besties and I'm out and about, I'm very outgoing. But, like, that was new for me. So I get where she's coming from. Her delivery is all wrong. If I were her and I were in these situations, I would be like, I appreciate this. I appreciate you guys have where got me where I am right now. But, like, this is a lot for me, okay. For anyone, I would express it a little bit nicer. I don't know.

[B]

She's.

[A]

Sorry.

[B]

No, I mean, listen, she was a overnight star, 10 years in the making, as they say. She had been grinding it out, and then she. She was catapulted in superstar status, which is amazing, but maybe she's just having a hard time taking it all in. It doesn't help that her bodyguards essentially told Jude Law's daughter to. To go eat kick dirt or something.

[A]

Oh, I don't know about this.

[B]

I think it was Jude Laws. I don't know Jude Laws or Jude Law's ex wife's daughter.

[A]

Okay. I know about this pop culture.

[B]

But anyways.

[A]

I will say, though, that does have the validity and I do give the past to be a dick to paparazzi is Justin Bieber. Because if I have been dealing with that since I was like, that young and they are that after me, when I watch videos of him, I'm like, you're valid. You're valid. I would be going crazy.

[B]

Well, once key. All right, that's a good point. Once they crack you once, like a paparazzi knows they can get to you, it's going to. It's going to motivate them to try and break you, which is sad. Oh, that's like, they're gonna want to try to get a reaction out of chapel row now, right? Like tmz.

[A]

They have.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I saw a video recently where, like, they have. But she'll. She'll do it herself. She shows her own reactions. I mean, okay, I don't mean to be, like, busting her balls too hard. Yeah, yeah, I got it. It sucks. I can imagine.

[B]

It's not for everyone. I'm not great with boundaries. And I listen. I'm like a. Like you said, a golden retriever. I love.

[A]

And I am a black cat. Sorry,

[B]

you're a black cat. And wait, on that note, one thing I love about you is. Well, there's a lot of things I love, but you have such a tight knit group of friends. You taught. We talked about them. Shout out to Mikey and Rachel.

[A]

When we say group, it is too. When we say group. That's cute. I have two friends,

[B]

literally. But that, like, listen, you have it, like. Okay, but should we do, like, a little psychoanalysis? Wait, what? What are the pros? What are the pros of having just a small.

[A]

I will happily speak on this because I will die for, like, I will die on this hill. It is better to have less friends when you have a lot of friends. Because there's been times in my life where I've had a group of friends. Like, I haven't been, like, a recluse my whole life. Like, I've had friend groups. And with friend groups comes guilt, comes responsibility, comes commitments you don't want to follow through on. Yes. Comes just, like, so much added pressure when you already have A stressful life. And there's nothing sweeter than knowing I have two friends that I would never, ever, ever get sick of and never not want to be around. So I never struggle with guilt. I never struggle with any of those things because I have chosen my two favorite people on earth and I literally have both of their initials in their handwriting tattooed on both my arms. They are my everything. And it is so sweet not dealing with any guilt because the circle is small. The only people that are expecting anything from me are just the people I want to give something to.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And it's amazing.

[B]

I get it. I have. Listen, I have a shit ton of friends. I'm. That's not a flex. I'm not boasting, but I have lots of friends and I have lots of guilt associated with that. When I don't talk.

[A]

I also want to say I have a lot of acquaintances. You do. So if anyone here is listening to this that I know and do you consider me a friend? I have friends. So if you're listening, I love you, but I have two best friends and that is who I associate the most with.

[B]

Do you panic with someone other than your two besties texts you and says, let's hang out?

[A]

Oh, absolutely.

[B]

Just kidding.

[A]

Oh, absolutely. Sorry. If y' all listen to this part. I do. Yes, I do.

[B]

Look what it says here, Kiara, I'm doing a little Internet psychoanalysis. Okay? Depth over breadth. These type of tight knit groups are often linked to secure or slightly anxious, anxious attachment styles. Does that sound like you?

[A]

No comment.

[B]

No comment.

[A]

I plead the fifth.

[B]

They'd rather have a couple ride or die people than fucking 50.

[A]

Yes. It just feels better. Also, like, you don't have to worry about, like, also, I'd like to make a point that my only two friends also probably say they only have two friends. It's all three of us.

[B]

And you get jealous when you find out they're hanging out with other people.

[A]

Like I said, I have other acquaintances. As do they. But like, our ride or dies are just this circle of me, Mikey and Rachel. And I get jealous when they hang out with other people. I hope they get jealous when I do too. But it just feels so good to know we have like, oh my God, like two people that will just ride or die for you so hard. And if you're an anxious person like me that also, like, really loves to have people in your life that you can like, give every thought to, like throughout your whole entire day. It's the best thing having a group chat of two people that you can fully be yourself with also knowing these two friends are. One of them's my cousin. He's been my best friend since birth. And Rachel's been my best friend since I was 11. It's like almost two decades. It's. It's so comforting. I recommend everyone out there find two best friends and dedicate your life to them.

[B]

Cut the fat, Cut the fat, the fat.

[A]

Slim. Your circle. No, no new friends. No, I'm kidding. If you have a big group of friends and you can handle that, like, that's great. That just ain't me. I'm a black cat.

[B]

I get it. No, honestly, I get it. I'm more. I think you're. You're an extra. You're an extroverted introvert.

[A]

I'm an ambivert.

[B]

Ambivert.

[A]

Ambivert.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's so funny. People like making these words, but, like, at the end of the day, I'm like, okay, an ambivert's just like a person. Like, they're like. People like make posts and they're like, I'm an extrovert when I'm around people I feel comfortable with, and I'm an introvert when I'm around people that I'm not. It's like, yeah, that's like just normal.

[B]

You know what's been giving me angst lately? What making me a little anxious is feeling just like this. Is everyone being constantly online, hyper connected, easily accessible at all times? I like this emerging 90s trend on social media. Instagram, TikTok, they're getting the simple phones. That's all you can do is text or call. Or they're going 90s style, which I don't want to use it as excuse for not being a great communicator at times, but sometimes. Have you heard about this, Kiana? You just want to go outside. You all agree to leave your phones at home. You maybe touch some grass, literally and figuratively. You go to dinner, you don't even have your phone. And maybe you go see a movie and you spend a night disconnected from your cell phone. It's like, it's very trendy right now.

[A]

Okay? My dad has called me out my whole life for interrupting people when they speak. So I did try to keep my mouth shut during that, but I am like, I was laughing because me and Rachel were just talking last night. Rachel, I know you're listening, and I hope you're laughing right now too. And I know you know what I'm about to say. We were just talking last night about how we don't understand people that say that because we were born in the right generation and we love being on our phone 24 7.

[B]

I love it, too. But you need breaks. It's rotting our brains.

[A]

You have the correct opinion, by the way. I think you are correct. And Mikey, my other half, has the same opinion as you. And I was telling Rachel that, but me and Rachel were literally just yesterday. That's why it's so funny laying in bed saying, I don't understand people that say, like, being on your phone all the time is bad for you. I love it. Like, I get anxious when I'm not on my phone. Like, I need a distraction constantly, so.

[B]

Well, yeah, because you're addicted, just like me, and you're getting your dopamine fixes.

[A]

And guess what? I don't care if that's my vice. Okay?

[B]

No. By the way, it would be worse. Maybe, like, my number one great simple pleasure in life is coming home at the end of the day, getting in bed, hopefully with you, and just, like, hanging out, watching a movie. But, like, scrolling, mindlessly scrolling. I fucking love it. But, like, it does. Doesn't it feel good to disconnect? No.

[A]

No.

[B]

When's the last time you climbed a

[A]

tree Are caught a wave, baby, like, two decades ago. Like, I. I'm sorry, I'm on that phone.

[B]

When's the last time you felt the rain on your skin? No one else can feel it for you Great song.

[A]

But, like, I don't resonate. I'm on that phone. I am indoors. Sorry. I. I was born in the right generation.

[B]

Listen. I know. I think I was. Because we get the best of both worlds. The first half of my life, I had no cell phone, no Internet. The second half, I've got everything. I was here for the rise of social media, MySpace, whatever, Facebook.

[A]

Okay. I totally want to circle back on something, though. Yeah, when you're done. I just brought up my dad, and I did want to circle back and make one last point, because I forget, but I don't forget and I will hold a grudge. The people that were saying on Tik Tok. Last thing I have to say, if y' all thought we were fighting. Did I already say it?

[B]

Well, say it again if I said it.

[A]

Hey, I'm gonna say it again.

[B]

Let that out.

[A]

Let that out, girl. We always say that. If I'm having emotions. Let that out, girl. If we were having problems, I wouldn't have brought my parents. And if I were acting. I didn't say this part yet. If I were Acting in a way that was, like, disrespectful or not. Well, there's one person that will call me out for my. And it is my dad, and he didn't. I wouldn't have brought my parents day two. I wouldn't have left without any criticism from my dad if I acted incorrectly. So if my parents aren't mad at me, if my dad doesn't have shit to say, y' all shouldn't. And I know you still will. And I know this will give you guys shit to say, too. You're never gonna please everyone. But if my parents are okay with me, I'm okay with me.

[B]

Listen, you're braver than I am. You're dating.

[A]

No, I'm not.

[B]

You're dating Tom Schwartz.

[A]

You're dating Johnny Carroll.

[B]

No, no. That's a flex. It doesn't go both ways.

[A]

Yeah, no, I was saying that it's

[B]

not the biggest flex to say you're dating Tom Schwartz. Thought you were saying, But I.

[A]

It's not the biggest flex to say you're dating Kell. But it is a flex.

[B]

It's up. It's up there.

[A]

No one knows who I am, but it's a flex.

[B]

They're about to find out.

[A]

Get to know me. Yeah, there's a Flex.

[B]

If you want to find her, you can find her in the comments on Tick Tock.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Defending her Eye Daggers.

[A]

I will be defending myself. Sue me.

[B]

Wait. Do you feel good? I think, Isn't it, like, how nice is Vodo Spa? It's one of the rare places I

[A]

thought you were gonna say, how good do you feel that we're just riffing and letting loose and this isn't so structured. I'm loving this. This is what the people want to see. I think I might be wrong. I don't know. This is what I'd want to see.

[B]

I'm enjoying it, but I think that

[A]

people would want to see you. We're just hanging. It's fun.

[B]

See, I, I, I like. I, I like structured, edited podcast. But I realized that my. You guys, I'm. You guys that I'm talking to right now. I don't know if you guys want that. Like, I, I don't.

[A]

Let us know if I'm wrong.

[B]

I'm making podcasts for myself, and I'm like, wait, I gotta, like, I gotta keep in mind the audience. I'm just making episodes I want to listen to. It's almost like my little audio diary. And I think I gotta be more mindful of what you gotta Give the people what they want.

[A]

I think you gotta do. You gotta consider both. Like, this is an outlet for you, so I think you have to make it enjoyable for yourself. But I also do think you have to consider the audience. And as someone that is an audience of several podcasts, I like when it's just a chill hang. And if you guys are listening to this and you fucking hate it, I will always admit when I'm wrong. So if you guys hate this, I will say, okay, I'm wrong. And you can say I told you so and go back to your structure. But in my mind, I think you guys are gonna enjoy this. Maybe it can be even if you're hate listening, even if you don't like me and you're one of those peoples on the TikTok and you're hate listening to this. Okay, you're probably enjoying it. I like, hate watching things.

[B]

Yeah, I think that's how I started watching the Kardashians. Now I. Now I genuinely understand its appeal. It's comforting. Kind of like, it kind of numbs the mind in, like, a very peaceful way.

[A]

In the best way that reality TV does.

[B]

It's. It's not my favorite reality show, but I get its appeal. I remember.

[A]

What's your favorite?

[B]

Probably Antiques Roadshow. No, Jersey for me. Like the Mount Rushmore. Man, I gotta think about this. Of TV shows.

[A]

Reality tv.

[B]

Yeah, reality. Of course. Jersey Shore is in the mix.

[A]

I agree with that.

[B]

It's a douchey Vanderpump Rules has got to be up there.

[A]

I'll agree with that.

[B]

I mean, I think you can make a case for any Housewives franchise.

[A]

Agreed. It depends what one you aligned with. But for a house, any. Just amazing.

[B]

Listen, Miami, Atlanta, O.C. beverly Hills, New York. There's like, they're.

[A]

I'm gonna ride the hardest for Beverly Hills, New York, and Salt Lake City.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, they're all so good in their own respect. Yes, of course. Like summer house, Southern charm.

[A]

Never seen these.

[B]

But wait, I don't know. I don't. I don't. I don't know if I can do my Mount Rushmore.

[A]

I just asked for one.

[B]

I missed the old school shows on mtv. Like, this is the Diary.

[A]

What I'm saying is I miss when things were a little less produced. I missed when things were a little more raw. Starting with Jersey Shore was a great answer because, like, that was messy. And I think everyone likes watching a mess because it makes you feel better because you're probably less of a mess than they are.

[B]

Well, and it's just, it's. Listen, it's the sign of the times. Like it's. It's almost impossible to not be more self aware because we're all sure. All in the constant feedback loop. It's like, like I remember when our show started. It's like, by the way, in the special episode at the end of Gossip Girl, like the cast members are talking about how like in the beginning of the show, like there was only a couple websites to like, give feedback and like, and by the end of it, like they become this phenomenon and like they were getting. Yeah, they were in a constant feedback loop. Hyper self aware of what they were wearing one day when they were grabbing lunch and the expression on their face. And anyways, you're so correct.

[A]

Like, this definitely is obviously like a sign of the times. But guys, can the pendulum like swing back?

[B]

I know.

[A]

Like, I just, I don't want to

[B]

watch someone self aware.

[A]

And like, people didn't care what people were saying. I mean, I care what everyone's saying, but I just missed when we didn't. And I just wish things were like, bring back Jersey Shore.

[B]

You know what? When they point a camera at me, the self awareness just leaves my body. It's not a conscious decision. I don't know what it is, but it just kind of leaves my body. I don't know. I've. I've been conditioned.

[A]

I guess that's how I feel about modeling. Oh, you know what I want to talk about?

[B]

Oh yeah.

[A]

People have a lot to say that when he posts photos of me, I'm covering my face or I'm looking away

[B]

and that you don't want to be in my pictures or you're ashamed.

[A]

People think that's like a sign and people are reading into to it. I would like to state my case.

[B]

Yeah, please do.

[A]

And explain this. It's very odd. And okay, I am a model. I have always. My whole life. Okay, when I was a kid, probably not. But like, once I was like conscious. Like once I like hit Those teenage years, 12 plus. I hated photos being taken of me. I was so uncomfortable. I hated it. It's funny because now a model and that's what I do for a living. But I've always hated it. And when I model, I am no longer Kiana who hates photos being taken of me. I have to switch. I flip a switch, I turn into Kiki. That's my alter ego. That's who I am when I'm modeling and it's different. I don't mind the Photos being taken of me. When it's a bunch of people standing there, it's a bunch of lights on me. I have my makeup professionally done, done. I feel like a model. So I like that I still am Kiana at the end of the day, and when I am me and I don't have, like, the shiny lights and the professional makeup, I hate photos being taken of me. I'm so scared to look bad. I'm so scared you're gonna catch me when I have a double chin.

[B]

Well, that's a byproduct of being in a brutal industry in which we talked about when we did her.

[A]

Essentially, what I'm saying.

[B]

Saying you're not.

[A]

Like, being a model is like, I'm comfortable being photographed when I know everything is, like, perfect lighting and perfectly set up. So when it's not, I get shy, y'. All, Okay? I get shy when I'm covering my face and I'm turning away. It is no reflection of how I feel about him.

[B]

And on that note, it is a

[A]

reflection of how I feel about myself.

[B]

Yes. Thank you. Thank you for the clarification.

[A]

Yes. I love him so much. The vindication right before and right after that photo is being taken. I am loving him. I'm smiling. I'm happy. That's why he pulls out the camera, because I'm probably smiling and look so happy. And then I get shy. Okay, sue me. I'm insecure. I'm working on it, okay?

[B]

It's a byproduct of the business. And last time, I think one of, like, I looked at a lot of the comments, and people like, oh, my God, we get it. It's so hard to be a beautiful mom. She knows, you know, you're privileged and you're so fortunate. But that being said, it can be a. A. A brutal industry that makes you hyper aware of your body the way you.

[A]

I do want to say I. I get all the comments. I understand y' all saying, like, okay, boohoo, I. I get it. I would probably be saying the same thing and boohoo and whoa is not me. I. I know. I. I have the good life. And, like, okay, if my biggest problem is I'm insecure, you're having it pretty good. But that does attend to 10 someone

[B]

free Kiana from the shackles of being a tall, beautiful woman.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Just kidding. A little throwback there for the chaperone reference. Forgot the name of that guy.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

No, we're kidding.

[A]

I hate on her because I'm kind of giving that. No, I'm very grateful. And yeah, I know that's not a big struggle to bear, but a 10's a 10. If that's what I know what to complain about. It's what I'm going to complain about.

[B]

10's a 10. It's simple, but it's wise. And.

[A]

And I've said that my whole life.

[B]

That's just another way of saying there's this term. It's so obnoxious, though, when you're going through something and that someone's like, there's people starving, there's people dying. And I think the term is called relative privation.

[A]

Well, I just say it. Ten's a ten. It's a fallacy I would like to combat. It is saying if I'm happy, I don't want to hear someone else out there is happier. Like, let's not, like, compare our feelings. Okay? My feelings are my feelings and someone else is feeling those feelings stronger. Maybe. But it goes both ways. If I'm happy, don't tell me someone's having a better day and someone just won the lottery. Cuz. Okay, I'm happy right now. And if I'm sad cuz something bad happened and you guys think it's lame that I'm sad about it, fair enough. But let me feel my feelings. Can't help it. Let that out, girl.

[B]

Let that out, girl. Well, Keanu, wait, did we end with that?

[A]

That was kind of a good way.

[B]

This has been nice. A 10 is a 10. You guys let me know what you think. We just ripped.

[A]

We just ripped out, girl. Guys, let that out. If you guys hated me, I know I'm never gonna please everyone, so keep making the tick tocks if you don't like me. And I will be commenting, so I will be in touch. But if you guys didn't like this, then tell me I told you so and I was wrong. If you loved it.

[B]

What? I don't think anyone hates you. They're just gonna think you have issues for dating Tom Schwartz.

[A]

She'll figure it out. She'll figure it out.

[B]

Don't save her. No, you don't want to be. Love you guys. Kiana, I love you so much.

[A]

And I love you so much. And also, everything I do with my fierce black cat eyes is with love. And he knows I'm joking half the time.

[B]

Half the time.

[A]

But I do love you so much. And you are the best. And you are my best friend and my boyfriend. Oh, you're my third best friend. Sorry. You are my third best friend. I will never let anyone be above Mikey and Rachel. But I do love you so, so, so, so much. And I want everyone to know that. And I want everyone to stop thinking I'm a.

[B]

No one's thinking that. No one's thinking that. Except for on that one. Tick tock.

[A]

Except for the 10,000 comments. Some people are.

[B]

And maybe a few Reddit threads. Yeah, but shout out to. Shout out to Kiana.

[A]

Shout out to Black Cat, not a. Okay.

[B]

Black Cat, not a. Yeah, okay. Shout out to Vodospa. What a lovely night.

[A]

And shout out to Tom Schwartz.

[B]

Kiki, thanks for coming to Voto Spa.

[A]

Thank you, my happy place.

[B]

And all right, you guys, thanks for tuning in.

[A]

We love you and we leave you.

[B]

Love you and we leave you. Love you guys.

[A]

Bye. Detoxification complete. Pluto TV has thousands of free movies and TV shows. You swear?

[B]

If I'm lying, I'm dying.

[A]

This is the mindset. Free. This is the mantra. Free. This is the with movies like Titanic, Dream Girls and Gladiator, why are you not entertained?

[B]

And TV shows like Survivor, SpongeBob SquarePants, the Fairly Odd Parents, and Ghosts, Pluto

[A]

TV is always free. Huzzah. Pluto TV stream. Now pay. Never.

[B]

The Bleacher Report app is your destination for sports right now. The NBA's heating up, March Madness is here, and MLB is almost back. Every day there's a new headline, a new highlight, a new moment you've got to see for yourself. That's why I stay locked in with the Bleacher Report app. For me, it's about staying connected to my sports. I can follow the teams I care about, get real time scores, breaking news and highlights all in one place. Download the Bleacher Report app today so you never miss a moment.