Bombing In Front of Mark Normand

Summary

Disgraceful with Grace O’Malley

Episode Title: Bombing in Front of Mark Normand
Date: May 7, 2026
Host: Grace O’Malley
Guest: Mark Normand

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Overview

In this lively and irreverent episode of Disgraceful, host Grace O’Malley welcomes acclaimed comedian Mark Normand for an audition to become her Disgraceful co-host. The show is a raucous yet revealing exploration of the wild world of stand-up comedy, peppered with candid tales of bombing, behind-the-scenes stories, and an honest look at the personal lives and anxieties of comedians. Through games, deep dives, and plenty of bits, Grace and Mark riff on everything from notorious gigs to personal fears, substance abuse, shifts in social culture, and the evolution of comedy. The tone is fast-paced, uncensored, and self-deprecating, with constant callbacks to “disgraceful” moments.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Icebreaker: Mark’s Comedy Origin Story

[01:18–05:55]

• Rapid-fire word association: Grace quizzes Mark on names and places from his early stand-up and personal life (“307 Jazz Club,” “Howlin’ Wolf,” “Mo Pitkins,” etc.).

• Childhood & early comedy: Mark recalls growing up in New Orleans, his notorious mansion childhood home, home invasions, and starting stand-up young.

  • "That house. We got broken into a million times. It was a mansion. And I had a transvestite nanny. Parents got held up at gunpoint in the house, so we moved." – Mark [02:30]

• Musings on comedian memory:

  • "You gotta remember, I'm a big booze bag, so I forget a lot of things." – Mark [01:32]

2. Comedy World Today: Gigs, Friends, Clean and Dirty

[03:40–06:05]

• Gig stories: Performing for Shane Gillis’s arena show; dynamics of clean comedians and “edgy” comics.
  • "People are like, 'Oh, Nate's so clean.' I mean, like, Seinfeld's friends with Cat Williams … comics just get together. It doesn't matter." – Mark [04:33]
• Stick or Treat shows: Grace and Mark discuss their annual show where comedians impersonate others, often in outrageous bits.

3. Game Segment: Celeb Hot Takes

[07:40–15:12]

• First-word reaction game to a list of celebrities (Kevin Hart, Sydney Sweeney, Pink, Chet Hanks, Kid Rock, Michael Jackson, etc.).
• Unfiltered celebrity commentary: Mark and Grace riff about Hollywood, celebrity culture, wild rumors, and double standards.
  • "I call her Titler. But yeah, I hope she's happy." – Mark on Sydney Sweeney [10:19]
  • "He was the Jackie Robinson of kids with … with a lot of money." – Mark on Michael Jackson as “the first rich pedo” [11:14]
  • "Kid Rock's pool is shaped like Trump's face." – Mark [13:20]

4. Navigating Comedy in Conservative Spaces

[15:27–17:01]

• Performing in the Bible Belt: Grace voices anxiety about being a “dirty” female comic in Oklahoma post-Trump shooting and feeling the pressure to censor herself.
  • "I'm a woman that says the word cunt, right? And that alone, like, fucking—they lose their mind." – Grace [15:49]
• Neutral joke writing as a survival tactic:
  • "The key with the Trump stuff is you gotta just go like, find an even angle, like a neutral angle." – Mark [16:41]

5. Mental Health, Substance Abuse & Fear

[19:04–22:32]

• **Mark loses his virginity at 16 to a much older woman—discusses the double standards (“Technically, I'm a survivor, but I can say I've been raped…But it was awesome.” [19:11–19:22]).
• Grace’s biggest fear is schizophrenia:
  • "That's actually my icebreaker: if I'm, like, hanging out with people I don't know, like, 'Hey, what's everyone's biggest fear?'" – Grace [21:31]
• Mark’s biggest fear is home invasion, rooted in his childhood.

6. Drinking, Sobriety, and Generational Shifts

[26:45–28:23]

• Comics going sober: Many of Mark’s close peers have quit drinking (Joe List, Dan Soder, Nikki Glazer, etc.), yet he and Sam Morril still party—and sell their own whiskey (Bodega Cat).
• Discussion of generational drinking changes:
  • “Gen Z, 85% down alcohol sales.” – Mark [27:14]

7. Modern Social Life & Urban Culture

[28:32–33:36]

• From old-school hanging out to today’s planned social lives:
  • “People are partying as much as they used to. Everything’s planned. That’s what sucks. Like, there’s no, like, on the whim, like, show up to your buddy's house with a six pack.” – Grace [31:35]
• Lamenting New York’s social freeze: Elevator etiquette, neighborly coldness, and nostalgia for random interaction.

8. Strip Clubs, Limos, and Debauchery

[34:14–36:15]

• Vegan strip clubs in Portland, dicey nights, gambling issues in Vegas, and hangouts in limos and strip clubs before rehab stints.

9. Odd Gigs, Arrest Stories & Bombing

[42:41–47:46]

• Mark’s embarrassing gigs: Stories about bombing at the MTV Video Music Awards, doing steel company corporate gigs, and house shows.
  • "I bombed my face off. It was a bunch of hot people and no one listened to me at all." – Mark [46:24]
  • "You hired me. This is what I do." – Mark, explaining his Nazi joke at a corporate gig [48:48]
• Arrest stories: Multiple public urination arrests and a Waffle House incident with a cop [42:45–44:16].
• Wild jail stories: Sharing the only phone with a holding cell of “six, seven black dudes” and minutes running out [44:19–45:10].

10. Aging in Comedy, Shrooms, and Parenthood

[38:39–39:47; 40:00–42:13]

• Fatherhood changes: Mark describes his life with a 15-month-old, balancing freedom and responsibility.
  • "Used to just live high on the hog...now you're like, I better put the booze down. I got to wake up at 6:30." – Mark [39:29]
• Shrooms as a favorite substance, the emotional journeys they cause, and being “the funniest I’ve ever been” on them—contrasted with Mark getting “philosophical” instead of comedic [41:48–42:00].

11. Photo Game: Mark Explains Old Pics

[45:26–55:25]

• Mark reacts to a series of random old photos—gigs, commercials, TV appearances—with behind-the-scenes context, from his first late-night set on Conan (“I took his tie and dabbed. That's how confident I was at that moment.” [53:42]) to bombing at VMAs, Stick or Treat photos, and more.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On the Southern/clean comedy scene:

  • "Mr. Rogers hanging out with the Klan." – Grace [04:27]

• On generational change:

  • "Everything’s politicized now. I know now that back then you just lived." – Mark [53:13]

• On bombing at the VMAs:

  • "A guy I knew was in the crowd and he was like, Norman. And he ran to the front of the stage and took a selfie with me. Like, that's how much time I had to spare." – Mark [46:29]

• On New York’s coldness:

  • "I've almost completely sworn off saying hi in an elevator because no one's saying it back." – Grace [32:14]

• On wanting limos to come back:

  • "Limos are sick." – Grace [33:14]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Icebreaker/Mark’s Early Experiences: 01:18–05:55
• Stick or Treat & Gig Tales: 04:43–05:55
• Celeb Game: 07:40–15:12
• Comedy in Conservative Spaces: 15:27–17:01
• Fears & Phobias: 21:21–22:32
• Sobriety in Comedy: 26:45–28:23
• Changing Social Life: 31:35–33:36
• Strip Clubs, Limos, Vegas: 34:14–36:15
• Arrests & Bombing: 42:41–47:46
• Parenthood: 38:39–39:47
• Shrooms: 40:00–42:13
• Photo Game: 45:26–55:25

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Memorable Moments

• Grace and Mark lampoon celebrity culture with a gleeful lack of filter, especially during the “Hot Takes” segment.
• Mark’s vivid story of bombing at the VMA’s, with celebrities ignoring him while a fan takes a selfie.
• Candid admissions of substance abuse, anxiety, therapy, and navigating mental health in comedy.
• Tales of the old New York and how social life has become hyper-planned and transactional.

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Closing

Mark plugs his Netflix special and podcasts ("Tuesdays with Stories" and "We Might Be Drunk"), shouts out Grace’s interviewing prowess, and exchanges heartfelt thanks and bits about their dads and tie-touches. The episode wraps with mutual appreciation and jokes about “cancelling” the pod for good measure.

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Summary created for listeners who want the highlights, quotables, and key takeaways from Grace O’Malley’s riotous, revealing sitdown with Mark Normand on becoming Disgraceful.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Ah.

[A]

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[B]

Hey guys. Welcome back to Disgraceful. I am a nervous fucking wreck. I am a huge fan of this guy. Give it up for Mark Norman to everybody.

[C]

Hey, comedy.

[B]

Nothing like a two person audience clap in the studio.

[C]

Like my early days. Stand up.

[B]

I. I started off with an icebreaker. I want to say a bunch of words and then you tell me what they. They mean to you.

[C]

Oh, this is like therapy.

[B]

So 307 jazz club.

[C]

Whoa, wait a minute. I think I got diddled there. No. What is that? Is that, Is that a place I did comedy early on?

[B]

I do believe so.

[C]

Wow, man, you're good. You gotta remember I'm a big out big booze bag, so I forget a lot of things.

[B]

Yeah. Do you. You do the whole it's good to see you instead of nice to meet you.

[C]

Yes. Yeah, good move.

[B]

That is the alcoholic classic, I think.

[C]

Although I said it to a blind guy once and that was weird.

[B]

Next. Next word. Howlin Wolf.

[C]

Howlin Wolf. First place I ever got paid to do comedy.

[B]

No.

[C]

Yeah, it's a music venue in New Orleans. Saw Afroman there years ago.

[B]

Afroman's back.

[C]

He's back.

[B]

You see his whole to do.

[C]

Yeah. He got raided and then it like brought him back on the scene.

[B]

Yeah. And he like, he wore a whole like American flag shoot to the. The courthouse and then he made a song with the footage of them raiding his house. And that's why you had to go to court.

[C]

Really?

[B]

Yeah, because they tried to file like a suit on him.

[C]

What?

[B]

I don't know. It's crazy.

[C]

That's crazy. What a country is fucking nuts.

[B]

We got 17. Oh, 7 Esplanade Avenue.

[C]

That's my old address. Geez. I used to live in Treme. That house. We got broken into a million times. It was a mansion. And I had a transvestite nanny. Parents got held up at gunpoint in the house, so we moved.

[B]

My sister does really great research for this show. I will say.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

She said just about every interview you've done since you started, that's like the first thing you say.

[C]

Oh, the mansion.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. Big, big pivotal moment of my life.

[B]

It is. That's great. So, and then it goes into like, how you started comedy. Is that.

[C]

Yeah, kind. I was pretty young then. I was in. I was in high school, but then I moved out to Baton Rouge and we did. Started doing comedy.

[B]

No, we got Creek of the Cave.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. Still around. That was an old venue in Long Island City. Boy, you know more about me than my father.

[B]

We got Mo Pitkins.

[C]

That was an open mic out here on Avenue A. Saw Jimmy Fallon there once.

[B]

No, he did stand up.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[B]

That's crazy. Cuz that's something. I don't know.

[C]

He was legless, fell down the stairs. He was a big booze bag too.

[B]

Was.

[C]

Was.

[B]

That's what they say.

[C]

We love you, Jimbo.

[B]

So we just saw each other in Nashville for a brief second. You were doing Shane show.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

How was that?

[C]

Awesome. Bridgestone Arena, 25, 000 people. He. He's the man for letting us all experience his life for a second.

[B]

I know. He's like. And he keeps all of his bodies, which is huge.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. And it's a great gig. Puts you up in a hotel, eat good, you travel good. The shows are hot, the crowds are great. I mean, Luis Gomez was on. I don't even know him.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[C]

He's disgraceful. Yeah. You know, he came out, he's saying rape jokes, N word, this, that, and the crowd's like, you know, if he did that shit in Brooklyn, they. They'd string him up.

[B]

It was funny to see. They did Story Wars.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

With Nate Pagodsti, and I was like, dude, Nate talking with these guys is fucking hilarious.

[C]

Hilarious.

[B]

It's so funny to me.

[C]

Mr. Rogers hanging out with the clan.

[B]

Like, truly and honestly, I was like this. It doesn't mesh, but it's funny.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, it's.

[B]

It was really good.

[C]

Well, they're old friends. That's the thing. Like, people like, oh, Nate's so clean. I mean, like. Like Seinfeld's friends with Cat Williams.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

You know so comics just get together. It doesn't matter.

[B]

I. I also, I watched the, the comedy. Comedy show thing. I forget what it's called. It's on Tubi now. The. Where they featured the. The stick and treat that you.

[C]

Oh, stick or treat.

[B]

Yeah, he did Kramer.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

And then you had a guy come out and do the big old Kramer line. I thought that was fucking hilarious.

[C]

Yeah. To paint a picture. I had a fun idea where I was going to be Kramer. Everybody plays a different comedian on the show. And I came out as Kramer and these black guys start heckling me and I was like, if only there was a word. And I go, reggie. And this other black guy comes out, he goes, shut the hell up, you head. You know, good times.

[B]

That was a classic schtick.

[C]

There you go.

[B]

I went to the one you had this year. That was awesome.

[C]

Oh, thanks.

[B]

That was incredible at Gramercy.

[C]

Appreciate. Well, we hadn't done it in like eight years, so a little. It was a little rusty, but yeah, it was fun.

[B]

I thought it was great. And it was a great turnaround after your big old trip.

[C]

So me and my friend came out in full regalia, like Muslim outfits, and we got our heads cut off and we threw money out. It was fun.

[B]

It was. I think Brandon Sagalo got me the best. I forget what he was, but I just remember cracking up.

[C]

I think he did Tony Soprano.

[B]

Oh, Tony Soprano. Yeah.

[C]

He killed it. He killed it. He's already a chubby little guy and he nails the voice and he had the outfit on. It was great.

[B]

And then my buddy Liam did John Gotti Mulaney, which was fucking hilarious. He had the shittiest wig of all time, but it was so funny. It was really good.

[C]

Really good.

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[B]

I've got a game.

[C]

Okay, let's do it.

[B]

All right. It's. Say the first thing that comes to your mind when you see this person.

[C]

All right, I got a list of people. Hey, that's me and blackface. No, Kevin Hart, five foot one, killing it. Maybe the hardest working guy in comedy. Nice guys. Got the new show out.

[B]

Are you doing the roast?

[C]

No, I wish. I'll be there though. I know.

[B]

That's too bad.

[C]

Yeah, I was looking forward to that. I'll be. I'll see you there.

[B]

Yeah, I'm gonna go.

[C]

Yeah, drinks on me.

[B]

Up next.

[C]

Hey, Shalomu. He's at the Knicks game.

[B]

Are you a Knicks fan?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, they're in the playoffs right now. They won last night.

[B]

Yeah, I saw. We actually, we went out and watched the game. I'm. I'm a Celtics fan. We lost.

[C]

Oh, the Phillies. Yeah, I saw that. Yeah.

[B]

Still in it. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, the Celtics are a great team.

[B]

Selling it.

[C]

That's Josh Safdie. He looks like a Jewish ayatollah. Shalom. Who's cute. Shalom is interesting because he's a great actor, but he feels more la. He's born in Manhattan, but yeah, he

[B]

does feel like an LA dude. Once you fuck a Kardashian, you kind of. You kind of switch over.

[C]

Good point. Oh, that's Matt Rife. No.

[B]

You know who this is?

[C]

Yeah. Claviculin.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I don't get it.

[B]

I don't either. He doesn't get it either.

[C]

Yeah, he's.

[B]

He's so lost in it. He. Oh, deed.

[C]

Yeah, he's going to kill himself. I'm calling it right now. This guy, he just.

[B]

Oh, deed. Oh, he did, he did. But he's pushing through. Thank God.

[C]

All right. What do you OD on lotion and Botox?

[B]

See, the video was everywhere. I wanted to know what it was.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And because no one was saying it and they said you take that blue pill. I'm like Adderall, you pussy.

[C]

Yeah, a blue pill. It looks like odd on come. He seems super gay, but I don't know. I don't know what the kids are into.

[B]

He's the mayor of Fire Island.

[C]

Yeah. Hey, old sweens.

[B]

Oh, swains.

[C]

Yeah. Great cans. Nice eyeballs. She's got kind of downsy eyes.

[B]

She does, she does. She's also. She was really horn herself out at Stagecoach. I know you probably don't follow along with that shit, but I couldn't imagine being Sydney Sweeney and wanting people to see you so bad. Like, all over the place. Like, once you hit celebrity, don't you want to, like, kind of fade away a little bit? Think she's on. She's on Scooter Braun's shoulders the whole concert. Like, look at me, look at me.

[C]

Is that. Is that what stage coaches that like a. It's.

[B]

It's Coachella. It's. So after Coachella is Stagecoach. They use the same festival and it's country.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I feel bad for her. I feel like she gets a world of shit. She's just like a. Happens to be a girl who wants to be an actor who's got huge cans.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

So everybody hates her. They called her the Nazi for wearing jeans. I call her Titler. But yeah, I hope she's happy.

[B]

I hope she's happy.

[C]

Oh, shit. Don't tell me. Is that what's his face's daughter?

[B]

It is.

[C]

Lenny Kravitz. Zoe.

[B]

Yes. Yeah, we got there. That was good.

[C]

Hot lady. Hot mom was hot too. Dad's hot.

[B]

Hot family made a fucking hot daughter. She's. She's supposedly engaged to Harry Styles. That's what they want to hear about these guys. I know you don't give a. But these girls, they want to talk

[C]

about who's gonna wear the wedding dress at the wedding. Interesting.

[B]

There it is.

[C]

That's mj. He's got the movie out. Yeah, I will see that movie. But yeah, the. The. The first rich pedo, I always say, you know, now every pedo is rich. It's like Epstein and Prince Andrew. He was the Jackie Robinson of kids with. With a lot of money.

[B]

He's like. Yeah, he's like the. The startup company for what Epstein did.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

He's keeping it intimate.

[C]

Exactly. Because Peto, when I was a kid were like. Was like. Or, you know, the. The janitor at school. It was blue collar. Yeah.

[B]

I can't believe how much you had to, like, how much, like, teachers and parents would Warn you about vans and candy? Yeah, I don't get that.

[C]

Right.

[B]

Like, how many people are going around doing that?

[C]

I don't know. I guess enough to make a cliche.

[B]

And then my other thing is, like, in the 80s, there was somebody, I don't know who paid for this commercial, but somebody paid for a commercial to just ask parents, do you know where your kids are?

[C]

I remember that.

[B]

That's crazy.

[C]

I know. Now we got GPS and an Apple tag and all that, so.

[B]

Yeah, and who's funding that?

[C]

It's like, yeah, maybe the parents of America.

[B]

Yeah, the pedos.

[C]

Yeah, the pedos. Like, you know where your kids are? Because I do. Pink.

[B]

Got pink.

[C]

Look at that dress. Jesus Christ. She, like. I would have bet all my money she was a big, big les.

[B]

But she's huge in the les community.

[C]

Aha.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

They love the fact that she. She. She sprinkles it on, right?

[C]

She's like what Tim Dillon is to straight guys.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Oh, was he the guy who died?

[B]

No, he's still kicking.

[C]

Wait, is that Chet Hanks?

[B]

It is.

[C]

Hey, I like that guy.

[B]

I heard. I heard he's a nice guy.

[C]

I could see that. White boy Summer.

[B]

White boy Summer. Yo, it's Chad. He's also got the Jamaican accent. Like, I've never heard. It's like, he's. He can do it. He's a bad thing. Yeah, yeah, like that.

[C]

He did a show Z way.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[C]

She was like, don't you feel like that's offensive? He's like, nope.

[B]

Yeah, he really stood on ten toes on that.

[C]

That was kind of awesome. She crumbled.

[B]

Would you do that show?

[C]

I would love to do that show.

[B]

That would be. I think you. You'd have a chat episode kind of thing.

[C]

There's Old Kid and Kid Rock. I've been to his house. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Does it. Doesn't it like a mini version of the White House?

[C]

It is. Yeah, you're right. And it is not. It' he's not around. He's got a giant bear when you walk in and just a million gold guns and crazy pool that's shaped like Trump's face. That's crazy.

[B]

I only know that because the. The. The helicopter went by and, like, gave him a. What's up?

[C]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Did you see that? It was like the. The army came by, like, went off their route to swing by his house to be like, what's up?

[C]

Damn. I never thought he would be in the. In the mix with, like, you know, nuclear war and the president and the military.

[B]

Wild.

[C]

It's wild.

[B]

If you go into his. His bar and like, his little. The Pussycat Lounge place. His very special area. He's got a picture of him, his wife. Sorry, Trump, his wife, Kid Rock, and an Elon in a beautiful gold case. It was really nice.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

It was really, really special.

[C]

I never would have thought, like, Putin be hanging out with Limp Bizkit, you

[B]

know what I mean?

[C]

It's the weirdest thing that Kid Rock worked his way in there.

[B]

We got this. Yep.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Old.

[C]

Old sexy Harry. I met him once at an SNL after party, and the girl I was with was like, Jesus Christ. So hot.

[B]

We shoot like. Were you talking to each other?

[C]

No, I just. We just shook hands, and he walked away. But she was. She was quite wet.

[B]

Yeah, that'll. That'll get you laid.

[C]

Oh, she was in a puddle. But we had to. We had to play his song where we banged after.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's just picturing him.

[C]

Exactly. I don't blame her. I was, too.

[B]

Then we got one last one right here.

[C]

Kirk. Yep. Yeah.

[B]

People's princess.

[C]

Yeah. Erica. Fire Kirks. She loves a firework. She seems very happy that her. We don't have to get into it, but. Yeah, I'm excited for only fans. That'll be fun. I heard she gets a load of the neck. I'm sorry. This pod's gonna get canceled. It's all over.

[B]

I am the. On Saturday, when Trump got shot, it was like, in between two shows I had. I was in Oklahoma, and I'm not smart enough to touch that. I was like. I was in the middle of the two shows being like. I don't know. It's. It's tough. Cause they already hate me anyways. I'm a. I'm a woman that says the word cunt, right? And that alone, like, fucking. They lose their mind. Yeah, the Bible belt's tough for me.

[C]

Oh, really?

[B]

Yeah. I feel like that's a full swing for you. But for me, I'm like, I don't know how to navigate it. So I start pandering. I just picture everyone's like, my dad, right? And I always want to win them over kind of thing.

[C]

See, I forget that there's still people out there that give a shit when women are dirty. But when they, like, Nikki Glazer's dirty, I feel like, yeah, but she does

[B]

sex, which is, like a fun kind of dirty for them. I'm just, like, talking like a dumb ass, and they're just like, this is. That's just a filthy lady with no end. Right kind of thing. I'm just like telling like my, my drunk escapades. That's where my hours at right now. I got to, I got to restart. I'm working on a. I got to

[C]

work on a new one. That's what my whole content is, being drunk and all that. So I say stick with it. You're ahead of your time.

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

Bible belt. I like them because, well, the key with the Trump stuff is you got to just go like, find an even angle, like a neutral angle. Like I had a bit about the shooting where I said the guy was a teacher of the year, so he works in a place that already has a lot of guns, you know, so you're like, trump doesn't get hurt, the left doesn't get hurt. It's just about school shootings.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean and the way craft a joke is like fantastic. Like absolutely. Like you start with and watching your documentary. The advice you got to, if a joke's not working, you go backwards. Oh yeah, that's fucking fantastic.

[C]

Thanks. Now I'm uncomfortable.

[B]

Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. I just, I kind of just. Sometimes I just get so nervous. I was like, I really like you, man. And I tell you all the things I like about you and how awesome you are.

[C]

You're going full Chris Farley with Paul McCartney.

[B]

I do that. I do that. I've referenced that before. Like, yeah, dude, you're awesome. You're awesome. Yeah, I'm gonna start sweating.

[C]

Nah, I'm just happy to be here. Don't worry about me.

[D]

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[B]

You lost your virginity when you were 16 to a 45 year old. First of all, that rocks. But my sister wrote sorry.

[C]

No, it was a great night. Technically, I'm a survivor, but I can say I've been raped.

[B]

Yeah, that is good.

[C]

But it was awesome.

[B]

You can use that. I know you can use that to your advantage.

[C]

Well, I've been trying and no one care. I say I got raped and guys high five me. So if you're a guy, it's like, you're like, oh, cool.

[B]

Especially in high school.

[C]

Yeah, I was the king of high school for like a month after that.

[B]

Did it make news or anything?

[C]

No, no, no. It was the 90s, so.

[B]

So yeah. Yeah. Do you know somebody, somebody wrote a song about a scenario like this?

[C]

No.

[B]

Rod Stewart.

[C]

Oh, what was the song?

[B]

Maggie May.

[C]

That's about that.

[B]

And my sister is named after that song.

[C]

Whoa.

[B]

Yeah, that's a, that's a brutal family fact. Yeah, they just, they really like the song. And then like, I got older and I looked at the lyrics and I like looked it up. I'm like, you guys, me, that's. That's fucked.

[C]

I didn't know that was what that was about.

[B]

Yeah, it's, it's, it's a whole different. It's like watching a movie back from when you were a kid being like, oh, there was like a few innuendos in there.

[C]

Maggie. I couldn't have tried. So does he say I couldn't have tried raping you more?

[B]

Yeah, you made a first class fool out of me, which I thought he would have been the man.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

Interesting.

[B]

It is interesting.

[C]

Call in if you, if you know this.

[B]

Yeah, we should, we should keep a line open. Yeah, I also. I do you guys, you guys do that, right?

[C]

No, no, no, no.

[B]

What, what you do do though is you have people share some jokes they're working on.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And their phone. I didn't know that. When I started this pod, I had a segment called jokes in my notes. Had people doing the same thing. Once I found out you guys do it, I was like, I'm done. I'm not doing it. That's. That's.

[C]

Go nuts. But we do peeves and recommendations, so people send in, like, their pet peeves, and they're always fascinating.

[B]

Yeah, it is. It is always, like, fucking. People get so fucking pissed off about

[C]

the weirdest shit I know.

[B]

It really is crazy. Like, you don't even know how you could just be living your life and someone behind you is just. They're trying to kill you.

[C]

Exactly.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Same goes for phobias. Everybody's got a new, weird, different phobia. Like, what's something that scares the shit out of you?

[B]

Getting schizophrenia.

[C]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

See, that's a great one.

[B]

Yeah, that's actually. That's my. Like, my icebreaker. If I'm, like, hanging out with people I don't know, like, hey, guys, what's everyone's biggest fear? It says a lot. It does.

[C]

Then you can all start comparing and talking about it. But schizophrenia. Scary because it just pops in one

[B]

day out of nowhere. Whoa. And then he fucked. And you don't even know it.

[C]

Now I'm scared.

[B]

Yeah, no, it's. No, you passed the time.

[C]

What is it?

[B]

I think it's somewhere between 26 to 30s.

[C]

Is that right?

[B]

Then, whoa. For women, at least. Because I've looked up the stats. For women, it's like. It's more. Women are more prone to schizophrenia.

[C]

Really?

[B]

What's. What's your biggest fear?

[C]

Home invasion.

[B]

Home invasion. Because it happened.

[C]

Well, a bunch. It happened as a kid and it, like, fucked me. I was a bedwetter, I think, because of that.

[B]

Oh, shit.

[C]

Like, I would hear people.

[B]

You outgrow it.

[C]

Bedwetting.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. Finally.

[B]

It's a hard. It's a hard one to kick, people say.

[C]

And then with the drinking, it kind of comes back.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

You remember I feed on you, but

[B]

no speaking out of other people's experiences.

[C]

Yeah. I remember being a kid and you could hear people rummaging downstairs, and I was like, oh, God. You know, they're going to come up here. How's this going to go? Whatever. But, yeah, home invasion. I take edibles at night to sleep. It helps me sleep. So now I'm high at night and paranoid. Paranoid. And that's really when it kicks in, you know? And I have a cat. My cattle jump off the counter. I'm like, what the fuck was that?

[B]

Oh, my God. Yeah, that's like a sudden movement to, like, knock over a vase or something.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Because you have a thousand vases around the guy. But do you. So do you have, like, a lot of security because of that? Like, security cameras?

[C]

No, I should. I'm too dumb and lazy.

[B]

Ring camera. It's, like, so easy.

[C]

I gotta get on. I bought one, and then I just. It sits in a drawer.

[B]

Yeah, I was talking on the last episode. I like. You ever bring something on tour with you thinking you'll change something about you?

[C]

Yeah, like a book. Yeah. Yeah, I brought it.

[B]

I brought an alarm clock, thinking I was gonna, like, start a routine. It's just like, shit. I buy it. I just. I don't use it because I'm, like, too drunk all the time, I guess. I don't know.

[C]

What about the iPhone that's got a clock on it?

[B]

This is, like, one of those stupid clocks where it wakes you up with sound. And I ended up hating it because they don't have a lot of sounds you can wake up to. It's like, a lot of people talking, which I thought would be fun. Like, wake up. Wake up. And I picked one one day, and it was like, get up, diva. It's time to start your day. I almost threw the fucking thing across the room.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I couldn't do it.

[C]

I think that's homophobic.

[B]

No. I'm big on the gaze, but I don't need a twink screaming at me. Me to wake up.

[C]

Sure.

[B]

I can't. I can't do that.

[C]

Yeah, that.

[B]

That'll. It's like. That's like. My mom used to wake us up sometimes singing, like, gospel songs.

[C]

Whoa.

[B]

Like, rising, shining. Give God your glory. I'm like, yo, that don't. That. I wanted to hit her.

[C]

Like, yeah, yeah. Plus, with. When you're waking up, you're all wonky. If I heard a gay guy, I'd be like, what did I do last night?

[B]

Yeah. It's like, what the.

[C]

Is he inside me?

[B]

This is a great way to start your day. It's like Folges.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I. Let's see what else we got here. Oh, back to the. The being scared of breaking in. Do you have, like, a bat or something near the. Near the bed?

[C]

Yeah, I've strategically placed things around the house. Like, all right, if he comes in this. If I catch him in this room, I'll hit him with his pipe.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

He comes in this room, I hit him with a crowbar, whatever. But I get the gun.

[B]

Crowbar around your house.

[C]

I do.

[B]

You really do.

[C]

And a baby. So I'm hoping he doesn't find it. But, yeah, I get gun thing because, like, I'm not a gun Guy. I've never owned a gun.

[B]

Yeah, but, like, I can't.

[C]

Yeah, I can't.

[B]

I went to a place I like, actually can't.

[C]

You tried.

[B]

No, I went to a mental hospital, and they. They don't let us. I meant to go to rehab. It's a whole thing.

[C]

Oh, wow. I got. We gotta hear.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

It was really.

[B]

As soon as I got there, I

[C]

was like, ah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

[B]

I made a mistake. It was tough.

[C]

So did you just ride it out?

[B]

No, I. I faked covet and got out of there.

[C]

Hey, smart.

[B]

As soon as I could, they were. They moved my room because the. The. I think she was, like, OCD roommate I had. She was, like, telling on me for coughing, and so I was like, it. I have. I have covet. I'm getting out of here.

[C]

Good move.

[B]

Yeah, it was. They isolated. They put me in, like, an isolation room. I'm like, for somebody who wants to kill themselves.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You're gonna put me in a room

[C]

alone with my thoughts when no one's checking in.

[B]

Can't leave the room. Crazy.

[C]

Did you get to rehab after all?

[B]

No, because I feel like if I go to rehab, that's it. Forever. And I'm not ready yet. I still got a few more in me.

[C]

Yeah. Good for you.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I think 25, 27. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Live it up.

[B]

I think 30. My big 30th surprise birthday party will be at a rehab.

[C]

Well, I think partied up before and just that next morning, just walk right into rehab. Yeah. You know that 30.

[B]

I don't. I don't get people who don't have their last hurrah. Yeah, you gotta have your last hurrah.

[C]

It's like marriage, you know, it's all downhill after that. Might as well live.

[B]

How's your marriage going? I feel like doing comedy for so long. You have so many friends, and those friends end up going sober on you.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, how many of your friends have,

[C]

like, so many dropped? Joe List, Dan Soder, Nikki Glazer. I mean, geez, the list goes on. They've all gotten sober, and that's why me and Sam have our podcast. Because Nate Bargazzi.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Because we were the last man standing who drink.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's so true.

[C]

Yeah. So we sell a whiskey, which, you know, no one drinks anymore. Great.

[B]

What's the name of it again?

[C]

Bodega Cat.

[B]

Bodega Cat. Bodega Cat. Check it out.

[C]

Yeah. Gen Z, 85% down alcohol sales and

[B]

mostly women Audience here. Women love whiskey.

[C]

What Are women drinking now? Is it a lot of, like, White Claw or.

[B]

White Claw is old news. Everyone's pivoted to the sun.

[C]

Cruises are great. The iced tea one is killer. People love aperol stuff.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Ladies.

[B]

Yeah. Girls love aperol. Tequila. A lot of vodka sodas.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. That's a good drink. I love vodka soda because.

[B]

What's your go to?

[C]

Well, I was a whiskey guy and a tequila guy, but I get bad hangovers, so I drink a lot of vodka.

[B]

Vodka. Vodka doesn't give you a bad hangover.

[C]

No, I'm clean. It's that. It's that clear liquid.

[B]

Yeah, no, that's true. And people. People always. That's always like the. The. The tried and true alcoholic.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Vodka.

[C]

Agreed.

[B]

They put it in water bottles, right? Yeah. You have no idea. You just only know because their face is permanently red.

[C]

Exactly. Yellow eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little twitchy. When you see somebody get a handle of vodka, you're like, that's a real drunk.

[B]

Yeah. Truly.

[C]

Especially if it's like the cheapest one with the plastic.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

That's bad.

[B]

It's called something different in every region. I feel like it's kind of like those. We call them nips.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

But in the south, they call them, like, airplane bottles.

[C]

Or like, the mini ones.

[B]

Yeah, the mini ones.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It's shooters.

[C]

Sure.

[B]

There's one I won't stand for, though. Someone. I think it's. I think I heard someone call it, like, a nibble or something. And I was like, I can't get behind that. That is. You can't even have them on a plane anymore.

[C]

Is that right? Technically, you're not allowed to have them, the Minis.

[B]

You could sneak it.

[C]

Oh, I didn't know that.

[B]

But you can have it. You're not allowed to open it and drink it.

[C]

What?

[B]

That's crazy. That's the whole fucking point of them.

[C]

So they have to make it, you're saying?

[B]

Yeah. No, they won't even. You have to buy theirs.

[C]

Got it. Yeah. Oh, I see.

[B]

Have your own anymore.

[C]

Yeah. Wow. How do you know that? You're 27. Do you remember the day we could bring booze on a plane?

[B]

I was doing it when I was, like, 17, but no one was checking if you brought your own.

[C]

Got it. Got it.

[B]

Yeah, it was. That was fun. Getting on the back of the plane,

[C]

being like, that is a good time.

[B]

I wish you could still smoke.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't remember those days.

[C]

But see the ashtray sometimes on the handle.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Armrest.

[B]

And there's an Ashtray in every bathroom still.

[C]

That's true.

[B]

I don't get that.

[C]

What's up with that?

[B]

I don't. That doesn't make any sense.

[C]

There's always the vaping guy on a flight, too. I fly, like, four times a week, so I always see one guy, like,

[B]

smoke everywhere.

[C]

It's the worst guy, worst hiding of all time.

[B]

I am a vapist myself, which is too bad. But I am too scared to get on a no fly that I will, like, jones it the whole time. Really, I will. Yeah. Because I blow clouds.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Can't help myself. I'm so foggy.

[C]

Is this hard? We're doing an hour here.

[B]

Was that.

[C]

Are you all right? We're going. We're going to do an hour.

[B]

Oh, yeah, Wrap this up.

[C]

No, no, I'm saying, like, to vape.

[B]

Oh, my. Oh, my God.

[C]

I'm saying, like, do you jones and.

[B]

Oh, my God, Mark, I really thought you were, like, let's fucking know. Finish this up.

[C]

I'm just saying that's how bad it's

[B]

going in my head for me, personally.

[C]

Thank God.

[B]

Okay. Dad, can. I. Might need a second on that one. I was like, wow, all right. That sucks.

[C]

I just meant you could make it without vaping.

[B]

Yeah, no, I can make it.

[C]

Okay. Okay. And feel free to hit a vape if you want. I don't care.

[B]

Oh, word. All right, thanks.

[C]

Go nuts.

[B]

Do you. You smoke?

[C]

No. No. I'll do a little weed every now and then, but to me, it's just smoking. I like a cigar, but.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

I don't want to get addicted to cigarettes and have to buy them. I'm just too. I'm too lazy to be, like, committed to something.

[B]

I. I also. The whole cigarette thing, I'm so glad I could vape because I have a fomo. I don't want to walk away and miss something to go smoke. I think it was, like, cool when everybody was doing it and you're in a circle or something. But I don't want to miss. I don't want to miss a hang.

[C]

Right. I get that. See, I'm the opposite. The cigarette, the appeal. I'm like. I get to go outside for a minute. Yeah, but the weed was. Talking about the hang was so communal. Weed used to be like this thing. We all sit in a circle. You'd pass it. Everybody got HPV and herpes, and, you know, you all packed it together. And who has the weed? And you trade weed, whatever. Now it's, like, so individual.

[B]

Yeah, it is.

[C]

It's Kind of a bummer.

[B]

It's kind of everybody, too. They're saying, like, people are partying as much as they used to. They're not gas. Everything's planned.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

That's what sucks. Like, there's no, like, on the whim, like, show up to your buddy's house with a six pack.

[C]

I know.

[B]

Deal. Anymore.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

All that.

[C]

We've. We've kind of like. Like a little bit of interaction. Takes some effort. How you doing? Where you from? You've been good.

[B]

All right.

[C]

It takes a lot. And I think we've, like, iced that out of society, especially New York.

[B]

That. Because that's just how things go.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Kind of thing. But, like, I'll come back from a show in the south, and people are so friendly. I'm like, what a bunch of jackasses.

[C]

I know.

[B]

And then I'll come back up here, like. And I'm like, maybe I'll chat.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And then I go for it.

[C]

And they're like, yeah, exactly.

[B]

I'm like, I've almost completely sworn off saying hide in an elevator because no one's saying it back.

[C]

Not in this town.

[B]

No. Not like we are. We're neighbors. You're my neighbor. I'm just trying to say, hey, how's your morning?

[C]

That's true. I think New New York people are just so up against it all the time. They're like, I can't do one more high. I just can't do it. I don't have it in me. Because, like, everything takes it out of you in this city.

[B]

Yeah, I guess so. It's just. It's just brutal. It's like, I'm. We're people.

[C]

I know. No, I get it. I'm winning.

[B]

Looking at you in your face, and

[C]

you're just like, yep. Like, yeah.

[B]

Or. Or not even saying nothing.

[C]

And the elevator is the last place where like. Like four people get together. Yeah. You know, like, I don't want to take an Uber pool. No one rides the bus, you know, but on an elevator, you're like, I gotta be on it with people.

[B]

Yeah, you have to. You are locked in.

[C]

Yeah. Because think about when you get rich. All you're doing is trying to, like. Private jet.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Private plane. Private party. Like, limo. It's just all you. And then they gotta. Still gotta get on elevator and building, you know, it's the last place they have to be with people.

[B]

I think limos need to come back.

[C]

Limos are fun.

[B]

Limos are sick.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I. I like, when's the last time you Were in a limo. Probably a wedding or something.

[C]

It's been a while.

[B]

Did you get. Have a limo for your wedding?

[C]

No. No, I guess not.

[B]

That was, like, always, like, the. You gotta get a limo.

[C]

You gotta get a little.

[B]

Gotta get a limo.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. Every movie had a limo in it with, like. And the guy would roll it down a little bit. Yeah, yeah, that's all gone.

[B]

They. They still have. And what we used to do. Like, I was. When I was, like, right before I went to mental hospital. Rehab. Yeah, it was supposed to be rehab. Right before the crash. We were going out, like, seven days a week, like, actually having a blast. We would do Sundays at this place Bounce, which is like a sports club, like, whatever.

[C]

Mm.

[B]

And then we would go outside of there. There'd be a limo waiting out front.

[C]

Whoa.

[B]

You guys want to take a limo? My douchebag friend would always rip it for us. And then we'd go to Sapphires.

[C]

Whoa.

[B]

Every Sunday.

[C]

Sunday.

[B]

It was so fun.

[C]

That's a great week.

[B]

It was. Yeah. We. We had a lot of fun doing that until if we didn't. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. Is this Boston?

[B]

This is. No, this is here.

[C]

Oh, this is here. Okay. Damn, you guys are living good.

[B]

Yeah. Strip club on a Sunday, baby. Not those of you who don't know what Sapphires is. It's very classy. Yeah.

[C]

I never did a strip club here.

[B]

Oh, Sapphire's nice.

[C]

All right.

[B]

50 Cent was there one night. Yeah.

[C]

All right.

[B]

Yeah, they kind of got it going on over there.

[C]

Yeah. Strip clubs used to be, like, a hot place, but I went to one recently, and it was kind of sad.

[B]

I went to a vegan strip club.

[C]

What the fuck?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

How's that work?

[B]

So it was Portland.

[C]

Oh, there you go.

[B]

Yeah. And these. These guys. There was, like, other comments. They wanted to go strip club. We went to the strip club. They said it's a vegan strip club. And you could tell because they were. They were so fucking skinny.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

There was, like, no meat on the bones.

[C]

Right. I think David Tell had a joke about that. They would lick the pole for iron.

[B]

Oh, really? I had no idea.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I just couldn't believe the idea of a vegan strip club.

[C]

It's funny.

[B]

You don't have to serve food.

[C]

Right.

[B]

No one gives a shit.

[C]

I know. It's just so Portland. You're taking, like, the most progressive thing, but the most misogynist thing and put them together, you know?

[B]

And they had slot machines in there.

[C]

Yeah. Fun.

[B]

Yeah. I'm a. I'm a recent Gambler.

[C]

Oh, it's. Yeah, I love a slot.

[B]

It's almost turning into a problem a little bit.

[C]

Oh, shit.

[B]

Like, I did shows in Vegas and I don't think I made a. I don't think I made anything off those shows.

[C]

Yeah, the house always wins. Yeah, they know what they're doing.

[B]

I see how Bruno Mars owes his

[C]

whole Is he again?

[B]

Residency. So this whole thing was he has a residency in Vegas and he owes so much money that he's in debt while. So he's doing the residency until he pays back his debt. And like last week he paid it and announced it on. On stage.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

It's fucking not. Because it was a rumor. And then he was like, hey, guys, I finally did it. I paid it off and it was like, let's go.

[C]

Good for him. Yeah, that's a great feel. I know Dana White has made millions gambling.

[B]

Yeah, it's like. It's like a celebrity's way of being a day trader, I guess.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah, good point. I can't. I can't do math, so I just stick to the slot machine.

[B]

I can't do math either. I'll do blackjack. I'll play blackjack.

[C]

See, even that. I'm like eight plus seven. What the hell?

[B]

I just asked and it's so embarrassing.

[C]

But like, do that.

[B]

I just blame it on being drunk. Like, I can't do it. I can't. I'm so drunk. What is that?

[C]

Yeah, but every time.

[B]

Yeah, Unless it's like a five out of five.

[C]

Yeah. I think they get annoyed with me because you can do a thing when you play blackjack where you go, what does the manual say? Oh, yeah, you have to go. The manual would say to hit on this. And you're like, all right, I'll do that. And then everybody in the semicircle is like, come on, man.

[B]

I know.

[C]

That's about the manual.

[B]

First time I saw someone do that, I was like, oh, this deal is cheating.

[C]

Right?

[B]

He seems pretty cool for that. I thought that's how it was, like playing out.

[C]

But it's pretty. You can't do that. I can't go down on my wife. Be like, what does the manual say?

[B]

Yeah, am I doing this right?

[D]

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[C]

Oh, it's great. He's 15 months old. So he's like coming online. He's walking, he's talking. He's like, personality. Before it's just like keep it alive, don't drown it. You know, feed it.

[B]

Yeah. Make sure it doesn't fall.

[C]

Yeah. But now he's like, you walk in from the row of the suitcase, he goes dada. Oh no, melt. And then you pick him up and he wants to go outside and roll around. It's just great.

[B]

Oh, that's adorable. What's his name?

[C]

We went with Adolf.

[B]

Adolf?

[C]

No, he's got a dumb family name. Every time I say it I get a million mean comments. But yeah, so, but he's the man. He's a great little guy. And that is awesome.

[B]

When they start to like have a

[C]

personality kind of thing, that changes everything.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

So it's got, it's just like a little buddy in the house.

[B]

Has anything changed for you since being a pops?

[C]

Yeah. I mean now I used to just live high on the hog. Like I'll get drunk tonight until 5am Then I'll sleep till 1 and then I'll figure it out from there. But now you're like, I better put the booze down. I got. I got to wake up at 6:30 and you just kind of, you think about the kid. You revolve around the kid.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And that, that's good. But it also sucks.

[B]

Yeah. No, it is true. It's like you had to put down Your bottle for their bottle.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. You just miss those days where you had just full freedom. Like, I just went to Jazz Fest in New Orleans.

[B]

Oh, I heard. That's awesome.

[C]

It's awesome. It's. It's old people. Coachella, basically. Yeah, it was cool as hell, but my mom lives in New Orleans, so she took the kid. So we had, like, two full days. So I just went to town on mushrooms.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

I'm watching Stevie Nicks with my shirt off in the sun, like, Dancing in the wind, and. Oh, that's awesome. It just felt so good to be like, oh, my God, you still have that. Like, am I a bad dad?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Did I forget him? What am I doing? Should I be spending time with him? You know, you have that attack.

[B]

Yeah, that. That'll fucking. That'll fuck up your. Your trip for sure.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

But you gotta, like, tamp it down and just keep drinking.

[B]

Somebody told me one time that on. On shrooms, you can. It's not like weed, where you can. You can talk yourself out of it on shrooms, which I don't know if it's true. It's true, but, like, as a placebo, it's worked. Like, I. Also. When I first started doing shrooms, I would just cry.

[C]

Whoa.

[B]

I was no fun. I was like, I guess I'm not a shrooms person.

[C]

Interesting.

[B]

I, like. I cried so hard, I, like, wet someone's shirt. It was fucking.

[C]

Damn.

[B]

What a bummer that is.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And then.

[C]

Are you a rough cr.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I was going full black lady in the church. It was. Yeah. Oh, Lord Jesus.

[C]

Wow. Throw yourself on the casket.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Take me.

[B]

Why now? Why now?

[C]

Why me? Wow.

[B]

Yes. But. But once I figured some shit out about myself on shrooms, I ended up being a blast.

[C]

Hell, yeah.

[B]

I think you have to, like. I don't know. For me, it was like I had to, like, go through this crazy.

[C]

You gotta break the hymen. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Truly.

[C]

I get it. I get it. But good that you got to the other side. You didn't. Yeah. Because I'm proud of you.

[B]

I would. I would hate if I. Shrooms weren't in my life.

[C]

That does the best.

[B]

The best.

[C]

Best drug. Last couple hours, no hangover. Great.

[B]

It's great. It helps you stop drinking a little bit.

[C]

Yeah, right, Right. You see? Cool shit. You appreciate stuff.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Some deep thoughts.

[B]

I'm also, like, the funniest I've ever been on.

[C]

Really.

[B]

I feel like I just. Whether anyone else thinks I am or not, I am cracking up.

[C]

All right.

[B]

I can't help. I can't help you. You don't think you are?

[C]

No, I'm more like, whoa, hey, we're all one thing.

[B]

It depends on like the. The scene.

[C]

Yeah, I guess that's true.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

With tight knit buddies, you can be yourself. Yeah, that's.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

We're in a concert. I'm kind of like head on a swivel.

[B]

Oh, concert. Concert comes in waves.

[C]

Yeah, for sure. Have you tried doing a set on shrooms?

[B]

I want to be something. I. I wanna like, I have. Like that. That would be the show.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Everyone's on shrooms.

[C]

I love it.

[B]

That's. But you're gonna get in trouble. Huh? Huh?

[C]

Come on. What do you. You're fine. Yeah, who gives a. Yeah, we're comedians. Have you been arrested many times?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

What. What are the ones you're most proud of?

[C]

Well, I've been caught three times peeing in public.

[B]

Oh, that rocks.

[C]

Yeah, one time it's in a Waffle House.

[B]

Oh, that's tough.

[C]

Yeah. In the Waffle House. Like, ah, fuck it. In New Orleans, in Baton Rouge.

[B]

Oh, shit.

[C]

It was after a Tigers game and I was just shitface. And the bathroom was locked, so I was just like, ah, fuck it. I started peeing on the way out the door as a goof and I swung the door but. And a cop was coming into Waffle House. So I like peed on his shoe and he just, just grabbed me. My dick's out.

[B]

And he threw me out there and

[C]

put me in the car.

[B]

Pissed him off.

[C]

Yeah. And he's like, you know this is your third time you've been arrested for peeing in public. And I was like, ah, charm.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

So one time I was at a bar in New Orleans and I was throwing glass ashtrays off the balcony just cuz I was like in a blackout. Right on Magazine Street. I regret it. I was a retard. Stupid kid. And I hit a guy's car and he found out it was me and then like chased me around. He finally called the cops and the cops showed up and I. He. They cuffed me. And I remember the guy came up and hit me and I went down. Like, I fell on my knees.

[B]

That's.

[C]

Cops picked me up and they put me in the car and then I went to jail.

[B]

Oh, I thought. I thought he was in with the cops somehow.

[C]

No, they just needed to get him cuffed.

[B]

He was gonna hit you and then they were gonna let you go?

[C]

Well, he was chasing me, so he's. I kept Running away from him. He's like, it. I'm calling the cops. The cops showed up, they grabbed me, they cuffed me, and the guy walked up and hit me, like, as a payback.

[B]

Fuck.

[C]

You know, I did. I did ruin his windshield.

[B]

Did you? So what's the charge there?

[C]

Drunk in public? What are you, ruining property or whatever that is? And I remember this is so long ago. They threw me in prison. Like a holding cell. Jail. What do you call it? Drunk tank. And it was me and, like, six, seven black dudes. And my phone, they just threw me in. And my phone rang, and it was like. And all the black guys, like, you got a phone? I gotta call my baby mama. I gotta do this, I gotta do that. So they're all fighting over my phone. Like, like, six giant guys. And it was. I yelled out. I have minutes, you know? Remember? Minutes.

[B]

Oh, you really did have minutes. Yeah. You're doing a joke.

[C]

I only got a couple minutes. Oh, yeah.

[B]

So how did you. How did you decide which guys get it?

[C]

The biggest ones, I guess one guy, you know, ripped it out of my pocket. He started using it, and then, you know, he's fighting everyone else off, calling his lady. And then another guy took it. And then eventually I got out of there and I grabbed my phone and ran.

[B]

That's fucking hilarious.

[C]

Crazy.

[B]

Crazy. You were there. Literal lifeline. Yeah, like a. Like a TV show.

[C]

You ever seen that movie Black Phone? That's what it was.

[B]

Yeah, I. I got some old pictures from the Internet.

[C]

God, we.

[B]

We just have people kind of explain what was going on at the time, what this is. It's not a gotcha, but we'll see.

[C]

All right.

[B]

We'll see.

[C]

All right, first up, if you hate being the center of attention, don't. Or fajitas. Yeah, old. Old joke of mine. Thanks. Yeah, that photo's in Montreal. I remember that pic.

[B]

Oh, also, you haven't aged at all.

[C]

Oh, get out of here. No, but, like, seriously, like, great pubes.

[B]

But it's insane. Like, I. We're looking at videos from when you're 27 to now. Like, there's no. There's no aging. It's actually fucking crazy.

[C]

I appreciate it. It's very nice, but I. You know, you got to see me getting out of the shower.

[B]

It's.

[C]

Bad balls are down to the knee.

[B]

What do we got here?

[C]

Oh, man, that's Bebe Rexha. You know her?

[B]

Hell, yeah. Yeah, thick as hell.

[C]

Now, I know she's pretty hot, but I. I did the. I opened up for the Music video Music awards at Radio City Music Hall. I was the warm up.

[B]

Oh, no shit.

[C]

I bombed my face off. It was a bunch of hot people and no one listened to me at all.

[B]

O, that kind. That sounds like a great gig. On paper, yeah. But when you're really in it. Yeah, that sucks.

[C]

I saw Ariana Grande walking by. People are chasing her. Like no one was listening to my jokes about cereal, you know? And I remember while I was bombing so bad, a guy I knew was in the crowd and he was like, Norman. And he ran to the front of the stage and took a selfie with me. Like, that's how bad. That's how much time I had to spare. And one time JLO walked by And I went, JLo? And she went. So that was like the worst gig. They lit me early. I was supposed to do 10 to 8. The guy get off. And that's me getting through her, getting by her backstage to go, go bomb.

[B]

Wait, so how. When was this gig?

[C]

This is probably like 2015.

[B]

Oh, I didn't. I didn't even know that they had like, someone to get the crowd going.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

For shows like that. They still do that?

[C]

I don't think so. I think I was the last guy.

[B]

Yeah, that's.

[C]

They got rid of it.

[B]

It's a. This is kind of a wasted money. No one's paying attention. That sucks. And that sucks for you too.

[C]

Completely. And it. It just brings you back to high school. You're like all these beautiful, cool people, you know, it's like Will Smith's kid and Pete Davidson. And I'm up there. Like, therapy's weird, you know? Yeah.

[B]

They're like, you, we don't do that.

[C]

Yeah. You're like, I am a nerd.

[B]

Yeah. And you're like, you feel like a jester again.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Like, you're like. You're trying to win them over. That's the only thing you have.

[C]

Exactly.

[B]

What. What other odd. Odd gigs have you done?

[C]

Oh, man, I've done so many corporate gigs where I bombed. Jeez.

[B]

Those corporate gigs. Sou hell. Hell.

[C]

Cuz I don't know why they keep booking us.

[B]

They want you there, but then as soon as you get there, they're like, well, you can't talk about this. That. The other thing. And also, I'm the biggest fan, but don't mention me. It's like, don't tell them I booked this.

[C]

Totally.

[B]

It's like, what? I know I haven't done one, but

[C]

they sound crazy, you know, they're horrible. They're Horrible. It's like, I think there's HR in the room, too. So, like, you do your pedophile chunk, and they're like, we can't laugh in front of Susan.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And then they want to be roasted, but then you can't go too far. I did a steel. A steel company. Like, big steel beams and they build skyscrapers. Oh, ton of money. And the guy was a German guy who ran the steel company. So I was like, oh, look at this. Nazis. Probably making concentration camps with all that steel. He probably did the railroads to the Nazi camp. And they were like, so. But I was like, you hired me. This is what I do.

[B]

This is. Yeah. You know who I am.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, that's crazy.

[C]

Being like, that was too much nudity.

[B]

It was pretty nuts when you took your clothes off.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

A little too much.

[C]

Exactly.

[B]

That's crazy.

[C]

I know.

[B]

You ever do, like. Like, someone's house?

[C]

I've done the house a few times. Yeah. Done Brooklyn apartments. Did a. Did a guy's house in Ohio, Louisiana. Oh, those aren't bad, actually.

[B]

Yeah, that's because that feels like you're, like. You're doing, like, a really good best man speech.

[C]

Yeah. It's intimate. They're right in front of you, you know, and then you, like, have a drink with them after.

[B]

Yeah, well. Yeah. Does it get weird, though?

[C]

Sometimes. Like, sometimes, like, this is when we all fuck. I feel like, oh, yeah.

[B]

Yeah. That's so interesting. Me, the closest thing I've done, like, I haven't done corporate. I did. I did a show. It's one of the Soho houses recently. That kind of feels like.

[C]

That those are tough because they're all rich and hot.

[B]

Rich, hot. Like, and they don't. They think you're ugly and, like, just like.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't know. They're judging you. The whole time is completely brutal. And they're free shows for them.

[C]

Yeah, right.

[B]

It's part of the membership. So they're like, I don't really give a.

[C]

Exactly. Exactly. Why are we looking at this troll?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I'm sitting next to a model.

[B]

Yeah. It's like, yo, you want to go?

[C]

Right?

[B]

We got here.

[C]

Oh, man, that's me on Ari's shoulders in Bonaru, Tennessee.

[B]

Used to have comedy.

[C]

They used to have comedy.

[B]

That's. I can't believe they don't do that anymore. How did that work, though?

[C]

We got our own tent. We had a tent with 500 seats in. In it. It was air conditioned, so everybody would come in there to cool off. So you got A full audience all day long.

[B]

Wait, so how many comics would they bring down there?

[C]

It must have been, like, 15. It was like, me, soda, Big J, Ari, Natasha Leggero. I remember Chris Hardwick was there. It was super. Nick Thune. It was super fun. I met John Ham.

[B]

Awesome.

[C]

Yeah, it was awesome.

[B]

John Ham, the comic.

[C]

Well, he was hanging out with the comics.

[B]

No, he loves comics.

[C]

He does. He does. Cool, dude.

[B]

I feel like he's always around. That is so sick.

[C]

So fun. It was a great. I saw Billy Joel. I saw Alabama Shakes. I saw Kendrick Lamar. I saw Florence of the Machine. It was incredible.

[B]

That's awesome. They should bring comedy back. I know. That's. And that's, like, just, like, a great festival anyways.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

In the middle of Bum, Tennessee.

[C]

Totally. Definitely a young person's game, though.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

But if you sleep, you have to

[B]

stay in a hotel.

[C]

Yeah, but they're intense.

[B]

Yeah. The tent. The tent thing. Where do. When. When do you age out of that?

[C]

I know.

[B]

I want to do it. Just check it off the bucket list.

[C]

But public shower. Porta Potty.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

It ain't pretty.

[B]

Yeah. What do we got here?

[C]

Oh, wow. You guys dug deep.

[B]

Yeah. No one gets creepy with it.

[C]

This might be 2013. I'm doing a Toyota Camry commercial.

[B]

No.

[C]

Yeah. And I remember I had a dui, and they were like, you don't have a dui, dude. I was like, nah. And so I. I had to lie to. Shoot.

[B]

That's hilarious. They asked if you had a dui.

[C]

Yeah. It was like, a long checklist. Like, you ever been arrested for drunk driving? You ever stolen a car? You ever. You know, do you have car arrests, like, speeding? And I was like, nah, clean.

[B]

I guess it would be funny if, like, someone saw you on tv, and, like, I arrested that guy for a day. He's driving a Toyota Camry right now.

[C]

That's true.

[B]

What do we got here?

[C]

Whoa. That stick or treat at the Bell House. I don't know who this guy was supposed to be dressed as. Some comic or something. Some old lady. I don't know. But just doing a goof where I look under his dress. That's. Backstage got pretty wild back there. Everybody's dressing up and changing.

[B]

Yeah. I feel like there's a. There's, like, how many? Like, 20 this year. It's like, oh, 40.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

No, didn't feel like 40.

[C]

All right.

[B]

Awesome. I had a blast.

[C]

You got to do it one year.

[B]

Oh, man.

[C]

I don't know where that is, but that's gotta be 2009. Right. When I moved here, I went some function, so I had to wear a tie.

[B]

You moved in 2009?

[C]

Yeah, I moved here at 08.

[B]

That's a. That's like a. Where I really wish I was here.

[C]

Yeah. It was way more fun.

[B]

It sounded like a blast.

[C]

It was fun. Nothing was problematic.

[B]

You got your news from a newspaper stand.

[C]

Yeah, exactly. We used a rotary phone. We had horses. Was

[B]

I. I just missed the days of, like, the only way you found out about gossip was like, a magazine.

[C]

Sure.

[B]

Instead of just like reading it on.

[C]

Yeah. And. And everything wasn't political back. Everything's politicized now. I know now that back then you just lived.

[B]

Yeah. You just lived. You. You checked your voicemail.

[C]

Yeah, exactly. Ah, there's a tie rub again. That was my first Conan. My first ever late night set. I did nine of them after this.

[D]

This.

[B]

Oh, no.

[C]

2013. And I had. I had a good set and I was on top of the world. I felt great. And he walked over to shake your hand, and I took his tie and dabbed. That's how confident I was at that moment.

[B]

Yeah. So you, like. You're like, I crush. I. I feel like I can.

[C]

Yeah. I felt like I could move around the world. And then he didn't love it.

[B]

He didn't.

[C]

No. He was like, my mic's on there. Don't do that.

[B]

Oh, that's kind of a disheartening response.

[C]

I know. But he's a good guy.

[B]

That's funny. That is a. That's a funny play, though.

[C]

And they had me back a bunch of times, so I'm very grateful for Conan.

[B]

You and your ties.

[C]

Oh, geez. That. I did Colbert. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

That was pot. And I'm going. Me. Oh, you guys are really scraping the barrel. Yeah. That's Colbert.

[B]

Colbert.

[C]

Hell, yeah. Probably 2016.

[B]

We've got. What the is this shirt?

[C]

Oh, that's. That's my party shirt. That's your party shirt, too. That was like.

[B]

It looks like something you wear underneath, like for your prom or something.

[C]

Yeah, I got at the thrift store. It was a big part. I think that was my album release party. That was my first album back when albums mattered. Remember CDs?

[B]

Yeah, they don't.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Everybody watching this does. They do not.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It's crazy.

[C]

I don't know where that is either, but somewhere in New York.

[B]

Oh, this cracked me up.

[C]

Yeah. That was at the stand. And they're like, this guy. I show speeds coming. I'm like, what the. An. I show speed yeah, the fucking.

[B]

The names of people and when they go by their, their usernames is crazy.

[C]

Crazy. So he showed up with like eight cameramen. They're all running around. And I was on next, so he bumped me. And so I was waiting in the wings and he's like, hey man, what should I. And all these cameras turn on me. And he's like, what should I do up there? And I go, just say the N word. That's all I can think of. And he was like, really? I was like, yeah, that always kills. I can't do it, so you should do it. And he went up, he said the N word. No one laughed. And then he did a backup flip.

[B]

Awesome. And that, that, that concludes that game full.

[C]

That wasn't so bad.

[B]

Yeah, not bad. Not bad, not bad.

[C]

I thought there was going to be

[B]

maybe some blackface in there.

[C]

Sure. Do you.

[B]

Do you have any of that?

[C]

No, I don't think so.

[B]

That's good.

[C]

That's good.

[B]

I really appreciate you coming on, Mark. I'm a huge fan of you.

[C]

Thanks for having me.

[B]

Honestly, it's sick to even have you here. So.

[C]

No, this is a treat. You're a good interviewer and it's good to see you again.

[B]

Hey, thanks, man. And your special is fantastic. I told my dad I would say this. He's a huge fan.

[C]

Hey, dad.

[B]

Absolutely could not stop laughing about the special.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

Mickey o' Malley's a huge fan. And I. I promised him, I tell you.

[C]

Well, I wish he was my dad. Thank you, Mick.

[B]

And thank you so much, dude.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

I appreciate it. Is there anything, any shows you want to plug or.

[C]

Hey, watch the special on Netflix. Watch my. Check out my pods, Tuesdays and stories. We might be drunk. And I'll see you on the road, folks. Get some bodega kits that Praise Allah.

[A]

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