Katherine Blanford: Twerking, Temu & Taylor Swift

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Disgraceful with Grace O'Malley

Episode: Katherine Blanford: Twerking, Temu & Taylor Swift

Air Date: October 2, 2025
Host: Grace O’Malley
Guest: Katherine Blanford

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Overview

In this high-energy, irreverent, and bit-filled episode, comedian Grace O'Malley auditions Katherine Blanford as a potential permanent co-host for the DisGRACEful podcast. The duo, with regular interludes from Grace's sister/HR head Nora, riff on everything from viral shopping, childhood nostalgia, and pandemic debauchery to the nuances of comedic careers, generational pop culture gaps, and the logistics of twerking and “grinding.” The episode is packed with sharp asides, behind-the-scenes anecdotes, and the comedic chemistry between Grace and Katherine as they trade stories of southern youth, coming-of-age odd jobs, and the unpredictable world of show business.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Life of the “Bonus” Sibling

• Opening Banter on Bonus Jonas (Frankie Jonas)
  • The episode begins with playful roasting of "bonus" siblings, especially Frankie Jonas, and the oddity of not making the main Jonas Brothers lineup.
  • "He’s the younger brother that he just gets to around…He just stands outside the concert and sings to the fans before the show." – Grace (01:30)
  • “There's one girl looking at her friends like, 'Hurry up and get ready. I don’t want to miss Frankie in the merch line.’” – Katherine (01:54)
• Extended this conversation to other “successful younger brothers” like Kieran Culkin.

2. Comedian Life: LLC Names & Trashy Commerce

• Tax Season, Funny LLC Names, and Period Panties
  • Katherine reveals her business name “Sissy Britches LLC.”
  • The two brainstorm the potential for branded granny panties.
  • "These are period panties for your undercarriage. This is a one time wear teamy period panty that you have shoved in the inside of your fanny pack..." – Grace (07:10)
• Discuss Temu, influencer brand deals, and the sketchiness of e-commerce countdowns and discounts.

3. Nostalgia, Drugs, and Partying

• Adderall, Ritalin, and the Comedian Grind
  • Both admit to recreational and “necessary” Adderall use:
  • "I was told by a doctor, maybe I coerced him...that I needed Adderall. And then I realized it helped in my education. And now I’m hooked on phonics, literally." – Grace (13:24)
• Katherine reflects on differing life paths of friends—some settling, some still wild.

4. Women, Friendships, and Changing Relationships

• Friends Settling Down & Pregnancy Announcements
  • "I still get so mad when my friends tell me they’re pregnant. I get legitimately depressed and sad, and it’s like them telling me they’ve been diagnosed with a terminal disease." – Katherine (15:35)
  • How female friendships evolve and the emotional labor of big life changes.
  • “Female friendships will help you live longer. Did you know that? Jane Fonda said that.” – Katherine (38:39)

5. Pandemic Antics: Nannying, Partying, and Moral Dilemmas

• Katherine tells the story of quitting a nanny job in 2020, breaking quarantine for Florida foam raves.
  • Story of being a “feisty nanny girl” vs. a safety-conscious employer.
  • Contrasted with Grace’s locked-down experience: "I was so deep in liberal thought…I was watching you on the news, being like, these fucking pieces of shit." – Grace (23:18)

6. Southern Roots, Comic Careers, and Sisterhood

• Discuss ‘stepping back’ when you laugh hard (“the further you go, the funnier it was”).
  • "If you tell something and the farther they go is how funny it was in my head. Wow. I've had a 30 yard line—" – Grace (19:07)
• Reminisce about their early stand-up—nerves, opportunity, and mutual support.

7. Pop Culture Gap: Music, Viral Trends, and Millennial/Gen Z Split

• Grace quizzes Katherine about ‘90s and 2000s music; jokes about only knowing trends from TikTok.
  • “You said you knew ‘Where is My Mind’ from TikTok. If someone said that to me about songs I like, I would punch them in the face. So thank you for refraining.” – Katherine (40:54)

8. Dancing, Twerking, and Growing Up Southern

• Embarrassing middle/high school dance stories: grinding, twerking, wall-twerking, and awkward invention of moves.
  • “I twerked…I was the kid who would be like, hey, you think your dad's gonna be mad? My head just totally went through your wall.” – Grace (45:33)
• Tag, freeze tag, Red Rover: who thrived, who was picked last, and the social politics of playground games.

9. Behind the Curtain: Taylor Swift Sketch & Swifties

• Katherine’s Test as Taylor Swift for Fox NFL Comedy Sketch
  • Details her acting choices, wig mishaps, and the extreme care taken not to anger Swifties.
  • "They were very careful the whole time about not saying anything that would piss off the Swifties." – Katherine (51:36)
  • "The fear that these Swifties put into 55 year old directors of the entertainment industry is insane." – Katherine (53:50)

10. Odd Jobs, Embarrassing Gigs, & Disgraceful Receipts

• Show-and-tell with old photos:
  • Drunken high school parties, wearing aunt’s wigs, being a “hungover princess” at kids’ parties, hand-made Dory costume, and her first-ever stand-up set.
  • "My friends were getting promotions at their accounting jobs...I was making a Dory costume for a crowd of six." – Katherine (63:19)
• Commercial odd jobs: AT&T, trucker interviews, and acting “choices.”

11. Sex, Relationships, and Comedy Horndog Energy

• Grace laments her romantic drought and floats the idea of friends hiring a covert prostitute for her as an “ice-breaker.”
  • “I want this guy to come up to me, schmooze me, say all the right things… I want to never know he was a prostitute.” – Grace (56:13)
• Banter about comedic wing-womaning and the city’s “closed-up” men.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Southern Laughing:
  “When we laugh, we step away…I need to express my emotions away from you.” – Katherine (18:53)
• On Adulthood and Friendship Transitions:
  “They’re in a very toxic, horrible relationship with a very selfish, tiny God.” – Katherine on friends with new babies (16:36)
• On Quitting the Nanny Job:
  “COVID hit…then I kind of secretly jetted off to Fort Lauderdale for Memorial Day weekend.” – Katherine (21:42)
• On Playing Taylor Swift:
  “I googled one music video and this was my creative choice: I decided my hands had to do this the whole time.” – Katherine (51:05)
• On Taylor Swift Fandom Power:
  “The Swifties are the–the fear that these Swifties have put into 55-year-old directors of the entertainment industry is insane.” – Katherine (53:50)
• On Playground Games:
  “Red Rover, Red Rover, they never sent Grace over...I bulldozed these motherfuckers.”—Grace (47:24)
• On Twerking Gone Wrong:
  “I put a fucking hole through the wall with my right leg. That's my luck.”—Grace (45:45)
• On Grind Dancing:
  “When I first started, I thought you were supposed to go opposite ways so that there was friction.”—Katherine (48:35)
• On Dating:
  “I get a lot of lesbians. The lesbians are a loyal bunch. And they're always trying to turn me after the show.” – Grace (33:30)

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Segment Timestamps

• Jonas Brothers & Bonus Jonas (01:26–03:30)
• Comedian LLC Names, Temu Bast (06:33–08:06)
• Drug Stories, Nanny Tales & Pandemic Recklessness (13:00–24:39)
• Southern Girls & Stand-up Bonds (27:10–35:28)
• Music Generations, Pop Culture Gaps (40:51–42:28)
• Childhood Dancing and Games (44:58–49:48)
• Taylor Swift Sketch Story (50:20–54:05)
• Disgraceful Receipts (photo show-and-tell) (59:38–65:49)
• Shout Outs & Plugs (67:51–68:28)

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Closing Plugs & Shout Outs

• Katherine:
  "Just come see me on the road. katherineblanford.com... I have a new podcast out, only available on YouTube called Coastal Idiot." (68:15)
• Grace:
  “Shout out anybody who wants to fuck me. Shout out, my sister. Shout out anybody who will want to fuck me.” (68:03)

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Overall Tone and Takeaway

The episode is packed with breakneck comedic energy, Southern irreverence, and candid tales of shame, kinship, and hustling in the comedy world. Both Grace and Katherine riff with wild abandon, sharing embarrassing (and sometimes touching) receipts from their digital and IRL pasts, taking listeners on a journey through their millennial-to-Gen Z pop culture references, evolving friendships, creative hustle, and the constant quest for a good time.

A must-listen for fans of unfiltered, self-deprecating comedy and behind-the-scenes comic shop talk.

Transcript

[A]

This podcast is supported by FX's English teacher. Last year's critically acclaimed series returns to follow Evan, Gwen and Markie as they vie for their students divided attention. See why Cosmopolitan called its premiere season a master class of comedy, while glamour raved. It's the year's funniest and most heartwarming new comedy series. FX's English Teacher. All new Thursdays on FX. All episodes now streaming on Hulu. Listen, if you're like me, you could use a good crush right now. I know. I'm looking for any kind of crush. Because when you have a crush, it makes everything vibrant, everything exciting. So let's talk about Tinder. Or better yet, that deliciously dulu stage of having a new crush. When you have that kind of crush on someone, they could send you, hey, smiley face on the worst of your days. And then boom. Suddenly everything's okay. It's so true that a fun crush will have you romanticizing everything. They're just magic like that. And finding that feeling is easier than you think. Thanks to Tinder. Explore all the possibilities for yourself. Tinder. It starts with a swipe. Download Tinder today. Coming at you live from a shady Manhattan studio. It's disgraceful.

[B]

Featuring your gracious ginger host.

[A]

Hey, watch yourself. Only I can say that. Okay, boss, whatever you say. You pay my bills. Give it up for Grace o'. Malley.

[B]

I don't know who Fergie is.

[A]

Who's the bonus Jonas?

[B]

Who's the bonus Jonas?

[A]

He's the younger brother that he just gets to around.

[B]

He's related to him and never got in the band?

[A]

No, cuz he's too young. He must have been an oopsy dupes.

[B]

I. I don't know. Have him play the triangle or something.

[A]

Well, he. You know what he does do, and it's really crazy. He'll stand outside of the concert and sing to the fans before the show.

[B]

That is absolute freak show.

[A]

That's what you're signing up for when you go to a Jill Broke concert. Much love, boys.

[B]

There's one girl looking at other friends like, hurry up and get ready. I don't want to miss Frankie in the march line.

[A]

I don't want to miss Frankie in H lot.

[B]

He's standing on a wooden box.

[A]

Hello, my baby. Hello, my baby. Oh, shit.

[B]

His mom's over there like this. 5, 6, 7, 8.

[A]

Fuck, Frankie. That's why you're not in the bed.

[B]

She's whipping him. Faster, faster, faster. Alabama baby. I love my dad.

[A]

Show's about to start, Frank.

[B]

Yeah, Frances. She's like, get off, Francis. We need them in their seats. Your real brothers are.

[A]

I love my baby.

[B]

I love people throwing $1 bills at him.

[A]

Peanuts. Oh, dude, are we. Are we rolling?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. We were just talking about Frankie Jonas, who is the bonus Jonas.

[B]

Bonus Jonas.

[A]

And too.

[B]

Too young to star on the Disney Channel.

[A]

Too young to star, too old to care. You know, he's. He's not one of the three, but he is the fourth. He's the bonus Jonas. Frankie. Yeah. He.

[B]

He saw what they went through and it's not for him.

[A]

No. That's why he only sings to the crowd outside of it, outside of their big shows that they're doing, which is blowing my mind.

[B]

He goes, come to the merch line. Frankie's performing.

[A]

You can throw in a keychain.

[B]

You can buy Frankie Bona Jonas keychain. No one even knows what Frankie looks like. I think that's Frankie, dude.

[A]

I think it's. I think it's the year. The.

[B]

The younger brother who st's younger brother, Casey Affleck.

[A]

Damn straight. Brother of Ben.

[B]

Don't you know who's the king Younger brother right now? I know. Kieran Culkin.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

His brother, McCauley. God, you how old Kieran.

[A]

Kieran is the younger brother.

[B]

Yes, he is.

[A]

And he's shining like a star. I think I should introduce you real quick. This week I am joined by touring comedian, podcast host and recently named in JFL's New Faces. You can watch her special Catholic Cowgirl and stream her podcast coastal idiots on YouTube.

[B]

It's Katherine Blandford, everybody.

[A]

Woo. I just turned into fucking Paula Deen when I said that.

[B]

That was really good, actually.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

You could be the.

[A]

You could be.

[B]

What's a debutante? What's the yogurt?

[A]

Oh, Chobani.

[B]

You could do a Chobani's yogurt commercial.

[A]

Not with this figure. I could do Activia once I starts going down.

[B]

Yeah, you go, I didn't need Ozempic. I just ship my pants every morning with Activia. Yeah.

[A]

Why don't we bring that back?

[B]

I don't know. I. I go, there's a lot of cheaper versions of Ozempic. Adderall.

[A]

Yeah. But you know, I still mow down on Adderall. Yeah. I can't help it, really. Yeah. I think I had to up the dose.

[B]

You know what? I have been recreational ing Adderall.

[A]

Yes. As we all do.

[B]

It's tax season.

[A]

Yes. It's tax season. It's tax season.

[B]

It's tax season. News to me.

[A]

This episode is supported by FX's the Lowdown, starring Ethan Hawke. Allow us to introduce you to Lee Raybon, the a quirky journalist, rare bookstore owner, unofficial truth seeker who is always on the tail of his latest conspiracy. This time, his most recent expose puts him head to head with a powerful family that rules Tulsa. Meaning only one thing. He must be onto something big. FX is the Lowdown. All new Tuesdays on FX stream on Hulu. Looking for a running shoe that does it all? The New Balance 1080 is your ultimate go to blending comfort, performance and undeniable style. Whether you're clocking miles or grabbing coffee, it seamlessly transitions from your morning run to your everyday life. They just sent me a pair. I'm not going to lie to you guys. I've switched my regular shoe. I am now all in on The New Balance 1080. I wouldn't lie to you guys. With plush cushion support, your feet stay secure and comfortable. Run after run while you're running around doing errands. I'm not much of a runner for exercise per se, but I'm running around the city day to day. So thanks to the lightweight, breathable materials, you'll stay cool and fresh no matter how far you go. From race day to rest day, The New Balance 1080 delivers the versatility and comfort serious athletes and everyday movers demand. Slip them on and experience what performance really feels like. Shop the 1080@New Balance.com I'm in.

[B]

Doo doo. It's LLC tax season.

[A]

Okay, gotcha.

[B]

Business. If you have a business and you extended your. It doesn't matter.

[A]

What's the name of your business?

[B]

Thank you so much.

[A]

Honesty. It's like my favorite thing ever. Every comedian has an LLC and you get to name your business and it's always so fun to see what everyone names theirs.

[B]

Sissy Britches llc.

[A]

Of course it is.

[B]

Yeah, I don't. I kind of.

[A]

That would be my Sissy Britches llc.

[B]

That makes it and everybody spells it bitches.

[A]

And you can also. I do believe I think you can also sell granny panties with that name.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yes. Sissy Britches.

[B]

I could sell those in line. Do not sue me if they give you a rash.

[A]

These are period panties for your undercarriage.

[B]

This is a one time wear team. You period panty that you have shoved in the inside of your fanny pack or your night out bag that you need to wear home when you wake up and you've perioded and you perioded your damn pants on your one night stand.

[A]

On your one night stand. Now now that's called puppet Ya. Cherry girls. I, I. Actually, speaking of Temu, I just got a dm. Well, first of all, I was like, wow, I haven't really had a brand deal or anything in a really long time. Things are. Things are bad at the home front. And then I looked at my DMs and Temu.

[B]

No way.

[A]

Teemu wants to work with me. How amazing. Hold on. That's like when they sent that crazy lady to the Shein Factory and she.

[B]

Was like, everything's fine here. They were like, we need a rebranding. We need a resurgence. We need our guardian angel. Great show. Mel.

[A]

Timu Tumal.

[B]

Okay, okay, okay. Now, I love this. Would you say you're wearing TEMU right now?

[A]

I'm pretty close. Pretty sure it's Fashion Nova.

[B]

This is fashion.

[A]

No, I mean, it's clear as day.

[B]

It was. It wasn't even holy when you started this morning.

[A]

No, it's been, it's just like the long stream has been. You should. I left a trace in New York City.

[B]

You know, everywhere she's been. This was actually a sports bra when you started, it was. Now, Team, do they want you to do social media?

[A]

Let's find out. I just, I literally just saw it today, and I was like, you got to be me, right?

[B]

Have you ever ordered something off of Team?

[A]

You can't say I have.

[B]

Anytime I log into, like a. A clothing brand, like Instagram, if the Ferris. If the carnival. Ferris wheel thing pops up to spend for 15% off, as soon as that shit pops up, I'm like, I've.

[A]

I gotta go.

[B]

It's. I didn't come here for games.

[A]

That's actually a great point. And if there's a fucking. If there's a countdown clock at the ticker.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You have nine minutes.

[B]

Till what? You're like, fuck, I gotta. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I gotta get my kitty cat sunglasses, dude.

[A]

Oh, my God. Only two minutes left. I gotta add a pair of socks.

[B]

It's like, it's like the stock market at the top. You're like, what the happening.

[A]

The stock market for women.

[B]

You're like, if this. If you don't buy these stockings right now, one more child in the factory will die. Two minutes.

[A]

Oh, have you seen the countdown clock in Union Square here?

[B]

I have been around the city for three days.

[A]

You've been around. You've been around this city for three days.

[B]

Couldn't tell where I was once.

[A]

Okay. Sure.

[B]

Couldn't tell you. I don't even. I live in LA for 3 years. Don't know where I am. Don't know what neighborhood I'm in. I don't know where Union Square is. I don't know what it is. I don't know if that's a cathedral.

[A]

Yeah. It's a place to conjugate if you're without home.

[B]

You hear that?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You hear that?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You think I know what conjugate is.

[A]

You do know without home, though. Papa was a Rolling Stone.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Speaking of the Rolling Stones, you went to the most insane festival ever with. I just had. I actually just had Pete Leon a couple weeks ago.

[B]

Oh. Yeah.

[A]

We became pals. He.

[B]

Dude, he didn't.

[A]

He didn't bring me up at all. That's too bad. All right, that's fine.

[B]

We had a lot of partying to do in a quick amount of time.

[A]

Well, I hear party, and I think Grace o'. Malley. I should talk about it.

[B]

That is true. That is true.

[A]

It's fine.

[B]

Well, you don't. Pete Lee is. He has tiger's blood. He doesn't stop. You know, the man is insane.

[A]

Also, did you watch the documentary of Trash in. Oh.

[B]

Oh, that's what that's about.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Have you listened to. We're gonna go back. You know, the majority of comics we're doing right now. Our topics. We have. We have a ticker, and we're like.

[A]

I know. I'm trying to make sure I get it all into one. I haven't seen you in a long time.

[B]

I'm so excited. Okay, we have to go back to Pete Lee, but have you listened to telepathy tapes yet? Have you heard about this?

[A]

Can't say I have. Dog.

[B]

It's. It's podcast about kids with.

[A]

I thought it was about dogs the way you just said dog. Like dogs have dog.

[B]

Look at these pants.

[A]

I say dog.

[B]

Things are tight. Things are sicko.

[A]

All right, sure.

[B]

Telepathy tapes. Nonverbal autistic kids who can read minds, and then they can tap in. They go to a place that's not of this world. They call it the Hill.

[A]

The Hill.

[B]

And they can all talk to each other.

[A]

Have you seen Weapons?

[B]

No. People keep asking me.

[A]

They don't even sound just like Weapons, man.

[B]

It's the first thing people say to me right now.

[A]

The way that they run. They're all conjugating together. They run like this with their hands in their back, and they all just go to conjugate with each other. So it kind of sounds like what.

[B]

You'Re saying is this just children on their 11th hour of cocaine.

[A]

Some would say cocaine. Some would say witchcraft.

[B]

Really? Have you seen weapons? Or should we call it Ritalin?

[A]

They could have used a little Ritalin. Ritalin.

[B]

When I hear an adult. Do you know what Ritalin is, honey?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When I hear adults are still on Ritalin, I'm like, grow up. Why are you. That's like being, like, graduate instead of Advil, I'm going to attach a leech to my body to suck it out. I'm like, you're using. You know, you're using the old. There's vyvanse.

[A]

Ritalin is Eastern medicine.

[B]

It's witchcraft. It sounds like a crazy name.

[A]

It sounds. Ritalin sounds. Just gonna get y' all jacked up. But it's really supposed to put you down.

[B]

I know.

[A]

It's supposed to put a baby down. That's what it's supposed to do. They gave me Ritalin to go to sleep when I was a kid.

[B]

They gave you Ritalin?

[A]

No, they wouldn't give me anything. I had to beg for it once I left my house.

[B]

I feel like, you don't need. You need Adderall.

[A]

I can't remember the last time I drank without an upper.

[B]

This is not what I was asking. I was like, do you need this medically?

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

And then Grace went, yeah, I can't drink without an up. Let's circle. I've done that since I was a toddler.

[A]

I was told by a doctor, maybe I coerced him back when I was a freshman in college, that I needed Adderall. And then I realized it helped in my education. And now I'm hooked on phonics, Literally.

[B]

I gotta learn every day.

[A]

The doses have gone up and the brain power has gone down.

[B]

I do think that it dilutes as you continue to take it. Right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So, yeah, we're in a bit of a pickle. I gotta try to wean myself off. But I tried Monday and Tuesday of this week to not take it. I was a sad girl.

[B]

We're in this world. We're in coastal cities. We're doing podcasts. We're entertaining each other, and we're all heathens.

[A]

You just had a plug there, almost. Coastal cities.

[B]

Coastal cities.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Being coastal idiots.

[A]

Yeah, coastal idiots.

[B]

Check us out on YouTube. And you forget that your friends have. Have moved into an even, like, more conservative world. Not like politically, but, like, they. You're like, oh, I'm going to leave college and go do podcast and go be in showbiz and be an podcast for showbiz.

[A]

Second, it's always the dream to podcast.

[B]

Well, here's a little girl. If you do the life path of Travis Kelsey, you start off as a podcast girl and you transition into showgirl. Transition into a showgirl. But your friends, like, are going in the opposite direction.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Anybody? You're still young. My friends are like, we would be wild and, like, go to, like, out in college and shit. And now I go visit them and I'm like, oh, y' all are going to church and shit.

[A]

Yeah, we. I also grew up in a different area, so they're not going to church and shit. And my friends are still going nuts.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But they're getting ready to settle down.

[B]

It's gonna happen.

[A]

I go, I got, like, I got one friend who's never gonna settle down with me, and I love her for that.

[B]

You better freakin hope so.

[A]

Yeah, well, she scared me for a second. She had a boyfriend for a second. And I was like, dude, what are you doing?

[B]

You better be slipping plan B into her coffee in the morning.

[A]

Oh, no. But it's her dream to have babies is actually the thing. I forget. So it's. Yeah.

[B]

I still get so mad when my friends tell me they're pregnant. I get. I get legitimately depressed and sad, and it's like them telling me they've been diagnosed with a terminal disease.

[A]

I wish. I hope to God when my friends tell me I'm gonna just be happy for them. But yeah, I saw someone do a skit about that the other day. It's like, okay, so are you gonna get a glass of wine? No. Oh, fuck, you're pregnant. Fuck, I'm so happy for you. Fuck.

[B]

You're like, well, everything is changing. You're not my friend anymore.

[A]

And then in the skit, she goes, so, still going to Cancun, though, right? She's like, no, I'm. I'm not like, oh, yeah, no, we can go another time.

[B]

It goes then. Okay, then we can go in 19 years. Yeah, it's. And. And don't let them tell you that nothing's gonna change. Everything changes. And they're in a very toxic, horrible relationship with a very selfish, tiny God.

[A]

Tiny God. Yeah, they do think they're.

[B]

They're tiny gods. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But good for you.

[A]

Mmm. Did you like that at home, listeners? You can get a mint. This is a great time to add an ad for a cough drop.

[B]

That's what you. That should be your product that you push.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Cause I got one of these voices. You know what? You know what? If I Was you, I'd be like, what product should we push? That eye drop that turns your red eyes back to white?

[A]

Oh yeah.

[B]

What is that? Vyvanse Advising. That is the up. That is the new Ritalin, which is Vyvanse, which you could put in your eyes.

[A]

Oh yeah. It's also good when you drink them.

[B]

Did you guys. This was what we used to do in high school. And I don't know if this is a Kentucky thing or just like a all around trash thing. Kamikaze shots where you would take bourbon shot to the eyeball so it hit your bloodstream really fast. Did you ever do those?

[A]

No, no, that's definitely Kentucky trash. I mean I got my own kind of version of trash, but that's out of control.

[B]

Did you ever do any boofing?

[A]

I missed out on the boofing cusp because I think there was like. Like maybe three or two grades above us. They were doing the. The tampons.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's a boof in itself. You can't. That is a booth.

[B]

That's a. That's a voof.

[A]

That's a voof in the javo.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. You're gonna get fucked up. Yeah. Those girls were vores.

[B]

Quick question. If you've VEED before, could you. You cannot get pregnant, right?

[A]

No. They're happily married now.

[B]

Oh yeah. Yeah.

[A]

1,000%.

[B]

Wow. Those kids are definitely have telepathy.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. They're at the hill and the hills have eyes. Absolutely. There was just an odor in court. Did Laura peek and I have. We.

[B]

We realize I adore her. She's the best.

[A]

She rocks.

[B]

She's from Tennessee, I'm from Kentucky. And we're both in LA now. And we realize we have this habit and that maybe this is a southern thing too. I bet you do this though. When we laugh. We step away.

[A]

Oh, yeah. That's good stuff.

[B]

Can I do it really fast? Oh, please.

[A]

1,000%.

[B]

Like. Because we both do it. Like we realize when we laugh again. Is that what I'm talking about?

[A]

Yeah. It's a fucking amazing thing.

[B]

I need. I need to express my emotions away from you.

[A]

Yeah, it's just like a. It's like a regroup in the farther anyone goes after you after you tell something and the farther they go is how funny it was in my head. Wow. I've had a 30 yard line, you've.

[B]

Had somebody sprint away from you 30.

[A]

Yards, score a touchdown, boof it and.

[B]

Then come back and boof it and then come back.

[A]

Yeah. I mean I was on Fire that day, man.

[B]

Dude, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go back to Atlanta.

[A]

Where are you from?

[B]

I'm gonna go into a parking lot and I'm gonna bring. Have you ever had one of those laser measure sticks?

[A]

Yeah. What are you doing with that?

[B]

And I'm gonna see how far I can send somebody.

[A]

You just do it at the store parking lot.

[B]

I'll get shot. They'll be like, she brought out a gun. I was just. I'm trying to measure how funny I was. I did not see how funny I was.

[A]

Yeah, but there was a laser on my head. Yeah.

[B]

I was trying to go the distance. I was trying to get you 30 meters.

[A]

Not in this climate, honey. Yeah, they're like.

[B]

Not with that fucking riff.

[A]

Oh, dude. That's good shit. That's good shit. May 27, 2020. You tweeted. Yes. I just quit my job while America is 20% unemployment rate. But it's okay. I know I'm Avi in a rom com and I will own my own bakery even though I don't bake. This is my destiny.

[B]

I wrote that.

[A]

Yeah. What job did you quit?

[B]

I don't. I don't claim that I wrote that. What's. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What. What year that was? 2020.

[A]

2020.

[B]

I. This is bad. I shouldn't. I was nannying in Atlanta.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And I love that. I love this family. I was. You know why you're always a good. I was so good. But. Because this family had a great mom. No, they still do. She's awesome. She's the.

[A]

What'd you do to her?

[B]

No, she. She's a great mom. But she was really careful. But is like. She's just very clean. Safety is a priority. That was. Didn't never. Safety never crossed my mind.

[A]

Yeah. Why would it.

[B]

We were. And so I was a good mix up for the child. For the children.

[A]

For the children.

[B]

Yeah. Cuz I came in just feisty nanny girl. Yeah. Just whoopity do kids.

[A]

Let's throw pans at your mom.

[B]

That's exactly what I said. That's a carnival game.

[A]

Yeah, it's called Pinhead.

[B]

I. It was. She's very. You know, she was very cautious just.

[A]

Like you are being by talking about her.

[B]

And then Covid hit and really in the house a lot with them. And then I kind of secretly jetted off to Fort Lauderdale for Memorial Day weekend.

[A]

Yeah. I mean as you have to do. As you have to do.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because there were no rules in Florida.

[B]

Dude. It was. It was. And Then I got back and she found out and I was like, I can't. Yeah, I can't do nanny during COVID No, it was Covid. I. I went down there right after that because I had no job, so I went back to Florida because it was so fun. During COVID Yeah. There were truly foam raves on the beach in the middle of COVID And then I was just sharing practice, like sharing blowing up a blow up raft with just the gayest man I had met just a moments. Mere moments before. And he was like. And the height of COVID in the middle of a fun party on the beach.

[A]

Yeah. When you, when you're saying that, I don't even think anything of it because we're so far past. Yeah, but that's, that's mouth to mouth resuscitation, Covid style.

[B]

I mean, this is January. This is May 2020.

[A]

Yeah, that's. That's. We're three. We're three months deep. You know, May, June, March, April, May. Yeah, it was deep.

[B]

It was one of those things also. It was like, you know when you just face those moral compasses where you go, I know right and wrong, but I just know I don't give a.

[A]

I'm not gonna get this time back.

[B]

I'm not. I'm not gonna get this time back.

[A]

Meanwhile, I've got. How do I word this? I have. I was so not infested, but I was so deep in liberal thought.

[B]

You were.

[A]

Yes. That I was watching you on the news.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Have a blast. Being like these fucking pieces of shit. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It took some months to come to what Covid was. Was.

[B]

Just waiting for everybody to crack and then for them to be like, this is when I. Waiting for everyone to be like, this is when I've had enough.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Also, again, not saying it was right.

[A]

No, no. Also this is very Florida talk of you being like, we're just waiting for them to fudgeing realize how fucking ridiculous this is.

[B]

Yeah. Here's the thing. I'm not saying what I. Right. I just said, I don't. I. This is, this is when I don't. I stopped giving a fat.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

But. And then it was just everybody's timeline of when they, when they just were like, I. I've. I can't do it anymore. I don't give a fat fuck. You know, I was just.

[A]

I was just trying to keep my grandmother alive.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And then once it was all over, she died.

[B]

No way.

[A]

Yeah, it sucks. Like really bad socks. Wait, she died of COVID No, no, she beat Covid. Like. Yeah, she got through all of it. We kept her so safe. She. We kept her in a box.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Like a. Like a prized doll.

[B]

Losing it.

[A]

And then all of a sudden, natural causes after Covid.

[B]

Yeah, dude, that would make me even more mad.

[A]

Yeah, I'm riled up, bro.

[B]

Yeah, that would piss me the hell off.

[A]

I. Yay. Yai.

[B]

Don't you. Wouldn't you rather been like, it was the doctor's fault in the hospital.

[A]

Yeah, it was the damn Floridians.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

They couldn't. They couldn't stay in one fucking place.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Those motherfuckers touring.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Fucking. Fucking off to la. That's probably. That was probably your line, right? You went Florida to la.

[B]

That's exactly what I did.

[A]

But you know, they locked you back up.

[B]

You know what they. Yeah, I know. You know why you could go down and not get Covid in Florida?

[A]

Because they weren't testing that.

[B]

They weren't testing. And the STDs trumped the COVID You.

[A]

Know, it was like nursing homes.

[B]

The STD was gonna kick, was gonna eat whatever the COVID cells were in your body.

[A]

That is Florida math.

[B]

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[C]

A PSA from instacart. It's Sunday, 5pm You've had a nonstop weekend. You're running on empty and so is your fridge. You're in the trenches of the Sunday scaries. You don't have it in you to go to the store, but this is your reminder. You don't have to. You can get everything you need delivered through Instacart so that you can get what you really need. More time to do whatever you want. Instacart for one less Sunday. Scary. We're here.

[B]

I do not wish harm, death, sickness on anyone. This is my. When I say this before, but sometimes I do wish we had like a forced two week pause.

[A]

No, I wasn't.

[B]

Loved it.

[A]

No, I was rotting away. Well, you were having a blast. You were having a blast. I was rotting away at my parents house where there was a rule me and my dad couldn't talk about politics.

[B]

Oh, you weren't in it.

[A]

I was in it. I was in it big time, brother. It was Dark time.

[B]

And not even a little bit of you misses doing puzzles.

[A]

No. And I fucking hate puzzles because I went to a mental hospital. So here's my thing.

[B]

Did you do a lot of puzzles in the mental hospital?

[A]

No. They wanted me to color. I didn't even pick up a puzzle. I'm gonna be honest. I learned to hate coloring.

[B]

Did you paint my number?

[A]

Your number? 777.

[B]

No. Did you paint by number?

[A]

I'll paint by number. I paint by number. I fucking. I painted off my free will stick figures being like, get me out of here.

[B]

I love imagining you pissed off coloring a unicorn.

[A]

Bullshit.

[B]

Just like, fuck this shit.

[A]

Fucking bullshit. I was like, yo, they don't understand me. I meant to go to rehab. This is fucking ridiculous.

[B]

We went outside side, we played Frisbee. We did puzzles.

[A]

Yeah. But here's the thing. Once the. Once we. Once we, as a collective, in my family households, had watched everything. Now it's up to me to be the entertainment. And I was tired. I resorted to physical comedy.

[B]

Really? Like wrestling. I imagine you guys wrestle.

[A]

I don't really know what that is. Kentucky, you guys don't wrestle. I wrestle like you guys.

[B]

Have you and Nora ever punched each other?

[A]

Oh, yeah. We've gotten to many a tiffs.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Who wins?

[A]

Me every time.

[B]

Nora. How could you?

[A]

Nora?

[B]

I like feeling like I'm sneaking around and doing something naughty. I think that was the thing about COVID that made me enjoy it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It felt like prohibition.

[A]

It did. It really did.

[B]

That was it.

[A]

I loved knowing a place that had us. Yeah. Hey, you guys, come here. We know. We know what you need.

[B]

And sometimes it was like, we're being naughty. We're talking too close. I felt like a Mormon that ran away.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's what I was breaking.

[A]

Amish.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. When I got to the big old city, I was like, my dearest brethren, the people that they're doing out here is crazy. You can drink on the street, if you will.

[B]

We grazed forearms.

[A]

What a lovely time.

[B]

Yeah. With someone who wasn't in my bubble.

[A]

Mm. The bubble thing. It all got fucking weird. I talked about COVID too much when I was actually with Pete Lee. Were you guys talking about COVID No.

[B]

We didn't talk about it one time.

[A]

That's crazy, dude.

[B]

Peely is like. Me and Spike Lee got into an arm wrestling match, you know, and in the fur, you know, first class of Delta the other day. And you're like, how do you have a story, a personal insane story about Spike Lee? And then you could like, switch to something so you could just be like, yeah. And then I was visiting the Taj Mahal, and he'd be like, one time I was flown to the Taj Mahal by the Dalai Lama in an helicopter to give somebody cpr. And you're like, huh?

[A]

Is he really just sitting on these stories or is he making it up?

[B]

No, he has. He's lived 27, 000 lives. He. You know, he was like a Olympic water skier.

[A]

No, missed that when I did my research.

[B]

Olympic water skier, Professional skateboarder.

[A]

What?

[B]

Black belt in karate, too.

[A]

What?

[B]

And then he's like an insane writer. Like, he's. I can't. I don't. I don't know what to tell you.

[A]

I just found out that Jeff Ross was the youngest. The second youngest person to have a black belt back in his day.

[B]

Jeff Ross.

[A]

Jeff Ross, Just.

[B]

Just Ross of comedy.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, the roastmaster. I went. I saw a show that was one of his tidbits.

[B]

Really great show.

[A]

You should go check it out.

[B]

People like that and say they're like, have a. Some kind of belt in karate. It's really inspiring because you're like, oh, you. You could have any body type.

[A]

Yeah, well, you know, and do. I will say they did show pictures of him back in the day. Wood.

[B]

He was cooking back in the day.

[A]

I'll show. I actually have to show you right now.

[B]

Let me see this. He's 10 years old then. You can't say would to that.

[A]

I think I just didn't know he had hair. It's kind of like the Howie Mandel effect.

[B]

Just having hair changes everything.

[A]

No, I just. I think. I think I would like to know that he had hair. I think that's what I meant by wood.

[B]

Do you enjoy an uggo I love.

[A]

I don't. I don't see ugly.

[B]

You don't?

[A]

I don't see ugly.

[B]

Do you agree with this, Nora? I bet you're like me. It's all personality driven.

[A]

Yeah, 100%. I got my first phone number the other day at a meet and greet.

[B]

Excuse me.

[A]

He wrote it down on a piece of paper.

[B]

The first one?

[A]

Yeah, the first one. No, he wrote his number down and he said it was like in this cadence. He was like, I. It's been a while for me too. Because I say in my set that I haven't porked in a while and. Oh, fuck yeah, baby.

[B]

Yes. I always say pork. I'm seeing a guy now, and my. I keep being like, well, this is before we started porking. And he's like, stop saying, I think pork is.

[A]

Is beautiful.

[B]

It's so fun. It's beautiful.

[A]

Have some fun with it.

[B]

Yeah. And when you say pork, it. You see it. It's. It is a. It's drawing the picture.

[A]

See, I think I say pork so you don't have to imagine. It's like, oh, pork fuck. That was a crazy word that you use. I don't want to picture you having sex, but this guy, he was so, so nervous. He's like, it's been a while for me too. And I. If. And he couldn't find it in his jacket pocket. And he goes, here. I looked you up. I saw you on Theo Vaughn. I was like, okay, here it is. And he goes, so anyways, if you want to have a good night tonight, here. And he shot me a wink.

[B]

He shook wink at you.

[A]

He shook wink. I'm gonna frame that.

[B]

Did this man have hearing aids? How old was this man?

[A]

It was to give you paint the picture. He's got a sports coat. Oversized on him. Would fit me like a fucking glove. He was malnourished a little bit. And I don't want to. I don't want to say nasty things about him, but he did tell me he got the tickets for free because he won a contest. So I hate when people.

[B]

I'm like, you don't. Do you understand what you just said?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. So anyways, I got my first. I almost had free tickets. That was your first phone number.

[B]

That was your first number.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a man.

[B]

Shook it.

[A]

I get a lot of lesbians.

[B]

The lesbians are a loyal bunch.

[A]

Oh, I love them.

[B]

My dearly God.

[A]

And they're always trying to. They're always trying to turn me after the show.

[B]

You're God. We are the same person.

[A]

Shit. Right here, Knuckles. Hell, yeah.

[B]

And you know what I. You know what I say to him? I'm like, I swear to you, I truly would. If I say one day, I say. I'm saying, waiting for my 40s.

[A]

Mm.

[B]

And then I go, if I could, I would. I swear to God to you I could. If I could, I would.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Something about the vagina.

[A]

I don't even want to look. Don't hurt yourself.

[B]

I don't want to look at mine.

[A]

Yeah, Yeah.

[B]

I can't believe guys go down on it.

[A]

Yeah, if you're lucky. Sounds like your porkies are pretty good.

[B]

You're getting pork rinds.

[A]

I do want to bring up what. That when we first met, we were told that we were A lot alike.

[B]

Who told. Did we new or Nashville?

[A]

In Nashville.

[B]

Who told us we were a lot alike?

[A]

Good boy, Brian.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

I did my third. Third ever show in Nashville.

[B]

That was your third time at your.

[A]

Doing an hour.

[B]

Are you joking?

[A]

Doing an hour.

[B]

You headlined that whole weekend on New Year's weekend.

[A]

I know.

[B]

That's insane.

[A]

That was fucking. It was bullshit. Honestly, I don't know why I got that opportunity. It was insane. I don't think I was ready yet.

[B]

Throw you into the lion's den, dog.

[A]

You didn't win. Thank you. I was hoping you would say that, but it's gotten so much better since then. And that's when we became pals. But I was a nervous wr. Feel like you did so good, but I feel like I wasn't even, like, fun time, blast off time, because I was so nervous the whole time.

[B]

No, you. First of all, you were. You were so fun.

[A]

Okay. That. That whole time period was a blur for me.

[B]

And I'm flabbergasted that that was your third time because you were so fun and you were. You were. You were in the pocket.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's crazy. That was your third time, and that.

[A]

Was a really fun show.

[B]

Really ticks me off.

[A]

I'm sorry.

[B]

That really pisses me off.

[A]

That would piss me off, too.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That you were so calm, cool, and collected.

[A]

I thought you meant that I. That I did it. I just. It was crazy. You were so fucking, like, right off the bat. We hit it off, and I needed a pal in that moment because I had my friends visiting from home. They had never really seen me do an hour before. They've never seen me do it an hour before. I was nervous because they were there. My sister was just starting to work with me. A lot of moving parts. I just, like.

[B]

Yeah. Nora punched three people. She's the bodyguard.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It was crazy.

[A]

Rock em Sockums. And it was Aaron and Aaron Weber, and. Yeah, Amber, Audrey. Yes, we. And we. That was a great crew.

[B]

One night we had guests of the show, and then they were like, let's go meet at this bar afterwards. And so we all got in this Uber to go. And you're. You're chill, you're calm, you're cool, collected. And we're going there and you're telling me the story that you've had a previous predicament with one of the women. Right. And you're like, we're just, you know, we haven't really, like, spoken about it since, but we're. We're Meeting her there. And I'm like, okay, cool. Two hours later, we're gonna go leave the bar. We've all been drinking. I look over, and the two of you are weeping into each other's arms. Weepeth into each other's graspices like this.

[A]

No.

[B]

And I was like.

[A]

The bar was literally closing. They're like, can you wrap this up? I'm like, oh, I just can't. I'm so. I don't know what happened. We got bamboozled by the same boy. I felt so bad for her. She felt so bad for me. I'm like, you don't have to worry about me. Mine was a hit and acquitted. Huh? And, yeah, that was crazy. That was crazy. The whole time, I was like, I feel like this is going on maybe too long, and I'm trying to get eyes with you. I'm like, I feel like. I don't know what else to say.

[B]

She's a sweetheart. She's so sweet. Yeah, she's awesome. It was just such a quintessential female experience.

[A]

It should have happened in a bathroom is what it should have happened.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

It's like one of those conversations walking into a bar.

[B]

Like, so me and this girl, you know, we had this. This situation happened. We'll see where it goes. And then, like, two hours later. No, you're in the right. You're in the right.

[A]

It's beautiful. Most girly pop I've ever been.

[B]

It was beautiful.

[A]

I mean, all in all, I mean, I don't want to be the one to say it, but I am a girl's girl. And so when it came down to it, I was like, girl, I'm sorry for your troubles. Yeah, that's. That's a bummer. It.

[B]

Whatever.

[A]

I had no idea.

[B]

Yeah, it's fine. Are you a girl's girl? You have sisters?

[A]

Yeah. You have to be.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

You're more of a guy.

[B]

No, Absolutely not.

[A]

I just don't like people who say they're a girl's girl when telling that story. I feel like it's. It's important to mention that you're a girl.

[B]

You're there for the girl. You would never pick guy over girl.

[A]

Never. Would I ever. No. Nope.

[B]

No.

[A]

Nope.

[B]

Female friendships will help you live longer. Did you know that? Yeah, Jane Fonda said that.

[A]

Oh, well, she is. She's glowing like the day is night.

[B]

She really is.

[A]

That's not a great analogy. She's glowing like the sun is day.

[B]

She's glowing like the day is night. God, that doesn't make sense.

[A]

I know, but. Wow. My brain's crazy sometimes.

[B]

You have sayings like. Like a woman who's, like, grew up in a well.

[A]

Yeah, you know. Yeah. You know, I've just kind of been speaking out into the tunnel of ether.

[B]

Yeah, you have things like you were raised by a woman in a cult.

[A]

And you could call the Catholic religion a cult. You can. I think you definitely can.

[B]

Were you really Catholic?

[A]

Oh, I was. Altar girl Catholic. I say every fucking episode.

[B]

You wore the robe.

[A]

I wore the robe.

[B]

Did you do the answers?

[A]

Nothing underneath? Yeah, I carried that shit. It was me, my boys, and Papa Pope.

[B]

Did you go. Did you go back in the back when they. When they did the.

[A]

Yeah, whatever they needed, I was right there with them. They ring the bell, I ring the bell. Ring the bell, you take away the sins.

[B]

Kitty. The biggest bop in Catholic Church history. Here's my favorite.

[A]

Are you ready?

[B]

Ready. And he will raise you up on eagle's wings, bear you on the breath of dawn, raise you to be like the sun and hold you in the palm of his hand.

[A]

You may not be seated.

[B]

That one, I was like.

[A]

Funny how we both have a favorite.

[B]

That was my. I was like that one today. If the Almond Brothers sing it.

[A]

Dude, who do you. You know so many artists. I don't know.

[B]

Are you serious?

[A]

Pistachio uncles.

[B]

By the way, Grace told me that. I told her I saw the Pixies and she played Where Is My Mind.

[A]

Where is My Mind?

[B]

And you said you knew it from Tick tock.

[A]

And I. If someone said that to me about songs I like, I would punch them in the face. So thank you for refraining. But in a moment of honesty. Yeah, I had to. I had to share that. That's how. That's how I know.

[B]

Do you know Oops, I did it again?

[A]

Yeah. Britney Spears.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. Trivia.

[B]

Okay. Jenny from the block.

[A]

Oh, she's still. She's still Jennifer on the block.

[B]

Okay, so you got those. All right now. Okay, so you don't know Dream. You don't know Dream?

[A]

Dream by Fleetwood Mac?

[B]

No, Dream. Their song was He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not. No, I think that was Jojo. You don't know any of these people.

[A]

I know Jojo.

[B]

How about this song? I get knocked down but I get.

[A]

Up again and you never gonna get me down. Who sings it? Don't ask.

[B]

Cuba Wabba. Hubba hubba hut.

[A]

What the hell?

[B]

Okay, how about. Okay, here's. Okay. I went to Bourbon and Beyond this weekend. There was, like, three bands that had One hit wonders.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Do you remember Sex and Candy by Marcy's Playground?

[A]

I know, I know. Sex and Candy. This sounds like a Justin Bieber. I mean, Justin Timberlake song.

[B]

Give it to me. See if I know that.

[A]

Sex and Candy.

[B]

No, no.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Give me, give me your, like, big hit when you were coming up.

[A]

No, I do what I want. No, I do what I want no, I do what I want. Little Uzi vert. I was into the rap game.

[B]

Oh, we're different.

[A]

Yeah, rap game, but we also have, like, other. Other. Like a Vici. You know, Vici.

[B]

God, we're different.

[A]

Yeah, a little different.

[B]

Wait, did you ever listen to Spice Girls?

[A]

I mean. Yeah. I mean, but is this, like, old to you? You know, you dress like the water bottle. We never. Yeah, I remember now.

[B]

Avicii. I was in Orlando, Florida, at the time, having sex with a gay man.

[A]

Mmm. Changes world.

[B]

Well, I needed somebody to pay for my highlights. I was very poor.

[A]

Oh, wow. So, yeah, you just banged the hairdresser.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. And so he was. He was willing to do that.

[A]

That's good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is that a Florida version of prostitution?

[B]

It is. And I don't believe he wanted to have sex with me in, like, a sexual way.

[A]

Yeah. What's the other kind? I'm down for that, too.

[B]

Artistic friendship. Like, French. Like how you like to dance with a friend.

[A]

Oh, yeah. I love dancing.

[B]

It was kind of like that.

[A]

Okay, I'll do the tango with just about anybody. You know what I mean? Would you ever go on Dancing with the Stars?

[B]

No, because I hate to lose. And I would be out immediately.

[A]

I feel like you got some pop lock and jam in you, though.

[B]

I can't. I, like, I can't. I can't. I don't have a musical. I don't. I don't. Even if you ever, like, tried to concentrate and be on beat, you know what I mean?

[A]

Oh.

[B]

And the minute you think about it, you're just like, where is I? Where am I? You know what I mean?

[A]

Especially in a crowded. Like a concert.

[B]

Yeah, dude.

[A]

And I see everyone, and I'm like, all right, well, I'll get. I'll get in there.

[B]

Yeah, I'll get it.

[A]

And then I'm obviously, like, on shrooms or something, so I'm like, I got.

[B]

And then you're overthinking it.

[A]

And everyone knows I'm on the hill of the children the children's hill the.

[B]

Children'S hill of the eyes of the.

[A]

Eyes that can read your mind and.

[B]

Then you start going like, oh, my God, Is my. Is my dancing, like, not on beat, or am I doing too much? To the right, to the left, to the right, to the left, to the right, to the left.

[A]

I will never feel comfortable enough in my own body to dance freely.

[B]

Come on.

[A]

Swear to God. I swear to God. No matter where I am, no matter how I'm thinking about what other people are thinking about, and I can't freely enjoy myself. I'm at a concert. I'm even on drugs, and I've noticed. I'll be like, yeah, let's fucking. And I'm like, what the.

[B]

What are you doing?

[A]

What the fuck? And just enjoy yourself. Just do this.

[B]

Okay. Can you play little Avicii for a second? And just. You're by yourself. No one's around. You look like. You look like the robotic dude. No, you look like the robotic mouse at Chuck E. Cheese. This is mine.

[A]

Oh, she's so cool. For those of you listening at home, Catherine's got her pointer fingers up in the air. She's roundhouse dancing like she's about to lasso a cow. And it's always, like, a little of this. She's switching directions. She's. She's got it going on like your Auntie Pam.

[B]

That's what I want to see you get at. Okay, here's a question for you guys. Did you guys twerk when you were growing up?

[A]

I. No. I have horrible experiences with twerking.

[B]

I could never twerk.

[A]

I twerked.

[B]

You didn't twerk?

[A]

I didn't twerk.

[B]

Did you twerk? I bet. Nora twerk the fuck?

[A]

Wall twerk.

[B]

What's wall twerk?

[A]

You get up on a wall and you go on your hands and you go shake that ass.

[B]

Now you put your feet on the wall.

[A]

Yeah, that's what they say. That's what they do. Now, for those of you listening at home, you got to see this. I do that. I put a. I put a fucking hole through the wall with my right leg. It's like, that's my luck. I am. I was the kid who would be like, hey, you think your dad's gonna be mad? But my head just totally went through your wall. I was getting really mad that I was it for tag, and I kind of just hit it with a 1, 2.

[B]

I hated being in tag. I hated being in prison.

[A]

I like prison because you could gossip and hang out. Okay, they're gonna get us. I felt like Romeo and Juliet. Yeah, it was good. But being it for T. No, There seemed to Be no end ever. Especially freeze tag. You're just trying to poison me. Poison me because you think, you know I can't outrun you. And so I'm going to be. And you're going to untag each other. I would say, yeah, we'll play freeze tag, but no one tagging out because I'm going to be here for hours.

[B]

You want to stay frozen.

[A]

Do you know how many do you rounds you could do for freeze tag? Two. That's it. No one's ever played three rounds of freeze tag. Because nobody wants to be it for freeze tag. Especially if you're untagging.

[B]

You were it for freeze tag.

[A]

Yeah, Every time.

[B]

Why would they pick you to be it?

[A]

Because I was slow and it was fun for them to untag each other. And they said they run circles over me.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You would never. It would never be round two.

[A]

No.

[B]

All day long.

[A]

Because even if someone else got like. Even if I did get everyone out, someone else's turn it is. And they're like, yeah, no, I don't really want to play this. I'm like, well, I got one round.

[B]

Yeah. And then they would make up different rules and you would always be stuck being it.

[A]

Red rover. Red Rover. They never sent Grace over. I'll tell you. That is an absolute fact. I was playing with kids much older than me, but they hadn't hit puberty yet. But they were still mean. And they would pick everyone but me because I bulldozed these motherfuckers.

[B]

I would not send you over. No, you would break the chain.

[A]

I'm a fucking cannon. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

That's where you thrive is, Red Rover.

[A]

That's the one game where I would get picked first and never called over.

[B]

Yeah, but I would want you on my chain link fence.

[A]

Everybody does.

[B]

Did anybody break your chain?

[A]

Never me. Only if. Only if these little red robots. Only if these wimp were like, I'm scared. Lock in back. Walk in.

[B]

Ah, dude, Capture the flag and freeze tag were my capture the frag rocks. Capture the flag was this.

[A]

That's a fun one.

[B]

That was fun because you had to have strategy and stuff like that. I just want to know, did you guys actually twerk though?

[A]

I got twerking confused with being grinding. Grinding.

[B]

That's what I meant. Is that the same thing?

[A]

Grinding is where you just rub your butt against a boy.

[B]

But was grinding more of a dance together like the tango? Or were you just grinding?

[A]

Was just putting your ass on someone's dick. And when I first started, I thought you were supposed to go opposite ways so that there was friction like, so, like, if his ass is going this way, I'd be going this way. So it could create friction.

[B]

I suppose they would detach from me like within 20 seconds because I thought, you know how like, you move with the. With the, like different instruments or beats.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like I would switch up the tempo.

[A]

You put a little direction there.

[B]

Yeah. To adhere to the vibe of the song.

[A]

What's happening?

[B]

I felt like I got a whiff of my vagina then.

[A]

Oh, hold on. I think honesty is the best policy here. Yeah, really waft that in. It's the pants. It's the pants. Leather pants have a fucking freaky fishy smell. It's the fleather.

[B]

That's what I've said about my vagina for years. It's pleather.

[A]

It's pleather, baby. Come on in. You're all invited.

[B]

Be careful, it's slippery. It's pleather. Netcredit is here to say yes because you're more than a credit score. Apply in minutes and get a decision as soon as the same day. Loans offered by NetCredit or lending partner banks and serviced by Netcredit. Applications subject to review and approval. Learn [e-mail] partners.

[C]

NetCredit credit to the people A PSA from instacart. It's Sunday, 5pm You've had a non stop weekend. You're running on empty and so is your fridge. You're in the trenches of the Sunday scaries. You don't have it in you to go to the store, but this is your reminder. You don't have to. You can get everything you need delivered through Instacart so that you can get what you really need. More time to do whatever you want. Instacart for one less Sunday. Scary. We're here.

[A]

Speaking of which, you're Taylor Swift.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay, so NFL Fox. Fox has Sunday NFL and I guess they do a sketch every Sunday.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Do you know that?

[A]

No, I didn't. Now I do.

[B]

And this was week two. Chiefs, Eagles, super bowl rematch. Travis, Kelsey just got engaged to Taylor Swift. Ever heard of her?

[A]

Rings a bell.

[B]

So while engaged.

[A]

Welcome to the Internet, honey.

[B]

Yeah, so I get they needed a Taylor Swift for the sketch and they asked me. Now this is what. This was my.

[A]

Do you audition for this?

[B]

No, they just emailed me and said, can you do it?

[A]

Fuck yeah.

[B]

This was my creative decision making. Right. When you get into acting, they say you have to make choices. And I did. I googled one Thing I googled one music video and this was my creative choice is I decided that my hands had to, like, do this the whole time.

[A]

I do believe she does that.

[B]

She does that, right? She has this, like, to kill a man. Yeah. And she kind of dances and she's like.

[A]

She's a dainty princess.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Our beloved queen, if you will.

[B]

But I did Taylor Swift and they were very careful the whole time about not saying anything that would piss off the Swifties.

[A]

Mm. And I think somehow you still probably could have. Did you get any hate mail?

[B]

I didn't. You know why?

[A]

Old fashioned written letters of hatred.

[B]

I'm so mad at this. I'm like, give it. Send it over, mofos. They couldn't have cared less. You couldn't even tell it was me, dude. I also never.

[A]

Yeah, the bayang was going nuts.

[B]

Crazy dog. Let me tell you. They put that. They put that wig on me. I got. I have hair extension. You can't even tell I have hair extensions in.

[A]

But I do imagine hair is naturally beautiful.

[B]

If I do even have hair extensions, what I would look like three strands of hair. Three strands. One, two, three. You ever seen, like, the little hairs on Dobby?

[A]

Yeah. Hey. You fooled me.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

You fooled me, dog.

[B]

They. I go in there, they. They braid my hair up so tight. Have you ever had this? They braid it, your. Your actual hair into these tiny braids. And then they put a wig on top of that.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Like you're about to go into prison, but they say, no, no, you're Taylor Swift.

[B]

Alive, but you're Taylor Swift.

[A]

Okay. Wow.

[B]

You either go to prison or you're Taylor Swift.

[A]

And these are the choices you have to make as an actress.

[B]

Yeah. They go, you either go to prison or you Taylor Swift.

[A]

Mm. Is that prison?

[B]

That's prison.

[A]

My vagina is kind of a prison. Yeah. You go.

[B]

You locked up. That's what I say to guys.

[A]

I gotcha.

[B]

King the door. Cell slam. Noise makes it.

[A]

Is this for you?

[B]

That's how he knows I've come. They, like, told, like, they had their script, right? And then they were like, okay, we've got the scene. They're like, now you can improv or improvise or whatever. Just riff. And so we would, you know, like, come up with a line. Every single line. They were like, cut. Can't say that, can't say that. Can't say that. They.

[A]

Are you really ripping on t I?

[B]

What?

[A]

It's really funny because everyone wants to walk a line. I'm sure you weren't saying anything bad, but they're like, hey, that's our. That's our fucking governess.

[B]

That's our princess.

[A]

That's our princess. Yeah.

[B]

That's our royal family.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, dude.

[B]

The Swifties are the, the fear that these Swifties have, like, like the put into 55 year old directors of the entertainment industry is insane.

[A]

Not gonna lie. It's a beautiful thing. It is dope when it comes to that kind of a scenario. It's great. For once in anyone's life they're listening to the young women because we are strong by numbers.

[B]

I just imagine like Swifties like with a potato gun just shooting like friendship bracelets through their windows at night.

[A]

See you at the stadium at 6.

[B]

Yeah. And all the.

[A]

We write it down for Twist.

[B]

All these friendship bracelets have like just threats written on them.

[A]

There's like Morse code to like how to fucking take over the government.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Ashley Simpson, Jamie Lynn Spears. Shout out little sisters. Famous little sisters.

[A]

Ashley Simpson. Jessica Simpson. What's Jessica Simpson on? I know the tabloids have given her hell throughout her years, but I'm just saying I want what she's having because she seems at peace. Jay Sims now you see her at the fucking MTV Music Awards.

[B]

She's hot.

[A]

They're still having those even though people aren't pumping out music videos or there isn't a channel for it.

[B]

But sure, but we don't. That's our one step toe back into the 90s.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Into the 2000s. In your free time, Google every performance at the 1999 VMAs.

[A]

Will do it is the end of a millennium.

[B]

You don't even. Yeah, you didn't even realize the hits of 1999. But every, every performance is like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. And it. Every single one of them is a banger.

[A]

One years old.

[B]

Yeah, One years old. You were one.

[A]

So speaking of Google, we do this segment on the show and I think I'm gonna change the name to Discris. I'm sorry, did I say you let.

[B]

Anyone know that you are looking to host a guest sometime?

[A]

I'm willing to have all the guests come through all at once. I don't mind, I just. Yeah, it's been a while I'm out here. I said this privately. But now, now it's public. And here's the thing, I'm willing to. And I've said it before on other podcasts, I am willing to have a friend hire me a prostitute to come up to me, schmooze me. Say all the right things. The friend's gonna have a list of. Check. They're gonna have to go through a fucking PowerPoint of things. This guy's gonna be an actor. Really more than a prostitute. And I want. I want this guy to come up to me, schmooze me, and I want to never know he was a prostitute. And I want him to never hit me up again. But we will have to sex.

[B]

So Nora's gonna have to hire somebody. You're gonna have to pay him to come over for classes.

[A]

Use the business card.

[B]

Write it off.

[A]

Yeah, write it off.

[B]

We'll make a movie about it afterwards.

[A]

Things would be a lot better in the work environment if I'm getting sucked off.

[B]

Sucked off.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Titty suck. That sounds like body parts that are inside your body are getting.

[A]

Don't think too much about it. I say I'm bricked up. Sometimes. I don't have a brick to go up.

[B]

God. I think. I think you've forgotten how it works.

[A]

Yeah. I'm a man, baby. I'm a dirty dog.

[B]

Breakdown. Sounds like you're getting clogged up.

[A]

I'm trying to get pumped out.

[B]

All I'm saying is, Nora, this is so gross. You're gonna have to. You have to pay this person to come over, have a PowerPoint ready for them. You're gonna have to have grace dummies come over and role play before you even hit action.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

On this even happening, because this would be a hard. You're gonna. It's a hard sell for you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When. The longer you go. The longer you. Or the longer you go, the. The less open you are to opportunities.

[A]

Telling me, dude, I know.

[B]

When. The minute you open yourself up, all of a sudden, it's a floodgate. That's what happens. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah. Well, that's not my track record, but, you know, it is what it is. I like. I get my one and done once a year. Sometimes it goes over a year. You know, it's fine. What are you doing?

[B]

You're in this. You're in the city of whores. This is the.

[A]

These men are closed up. They put. They put their. They see me as a friend, Katherine.

[B]

But friends can have a good time.

[A]

Well, you. I'm gonna need you to. I need you to come out with me one night and just like, hey, she's looking to be friends anymore as well.

[B]

Yeah, I'm done. I'm so down. I will be your wing woman, but I think you have a platform right now to Just let somebody know.

[A]

Hey, listen, ladies and gays who watch this podcast, if you know anybody, fucking send them my way. No worries at all. I, I, I, I'll hit it and quit it. And I'll, I'll treat you like a goddamn king or queen. I'm up to.

[B]

Hey.

[A]

Nothing.

[B]

Yeah, I'll Send you guys UberEats in.

[A]

The morning and I'll send you a bill. I just was reading one of Chelsea Handler's first books that she wrote.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She did this to a friend.

[B]

Was the friend grateful or did the friend never know?

[A]

The friend never knew. And she was so much of a pain in the ass that it never went through. Even the prostitute was like, I couldn't deal with her for even a night.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She was a big old virgin and she was like, I gotta get this out of the way. She's being a pain in the ass.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Wow. The opportunity has arisen for available suitors.

[A]

I poured water on me to be sexy. So we have this segment called Disgraceful Receipts. We're now changing it to Disgraceful Footprint because your digital footprint is beyond our years.

[B]

Sorry.

[A]

So here we go. I'm going to show you some pictures and you're just going to have to explain them for me. Me, please. Up first.

[B]

That's a, that's a, A budding swan right there. That's an ugly duckling that turned into the pop star you see. Now this is a picture. I'm. The surprising thing is I'm absolutely shit face drunk here as a pre teen.

[A]

Yeah, that's a child.

[B]

Yeah. I believe I'm about 14. Freshman in call. A freshman in high school.

[A]

Just started wearing eyeliner.

[B]

Yeah, that eyeliner probably gave me a stye.

[A]

That's Taylor Swift's wig, isn't it?

[B]

That's my aunt's wig. And all those friends around me, if you zoomed out, they're all. We're all shit faced drunk in someone's basement, flicking off the camera.

[A]

So let's go to this next one.

[B]

Let me see. How did you find that? How did you find that?

[A]

My researcher is very good.

[B]

How did you guys find that?

[A]

It's really disturbing what Nora can do.

[B]

No, I don't even know what that's.

[A]

They hacked your Snapchat.

[B]

Wait, I don't even. I kind of remember making that. But that's from. So, I mean, that's probably from nine years ago when I actually used.

[A]

I'll tell you what, I shouldn't have this one. I shouldn't have this One.

[B]

How do you have that? Who did you talk to? That's a sexy picture. That picture was my LinkedIn picture for a long time. Oh, yeah, that's. That's.

[A]

What kind of jobs do you get with that?

[B]

A few nannying jobs. No, she's a fun nanny for a single dad.

[A]

She knows what she wants. That's the kind of nanny that will leave you hanging and go to Florida.

[B]

For sure you knew what you were hiring.

[A]

Come on now.

[B]

That was one of those tops, remember? Like the Forever 21 top that you cut hanging around for too long.

[A]

100%. Mine was striped, pink and white.

[B]

Yes. You know what that is? And it always went out when you had had a debaucherous night or something like that.

[A]

It was special to us.

[B]

Yeah, honey. God, that was good. That was like spray tan. There was like lotion spray tan days.

[A]

Oh, my God, Jergens.

[B]

Yeah. When. When your fingernails would be dyed orange for weeks.

[A]

Forever.

[B]

Yeah. That was fun. It was a good time. God, I remember those days that I was. Listen, I was hired to be a princess for a little girl's birthday party. But it was the morning after prom.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

And so I showed up absolutely shit faced, hammered drunk. Which is how princesses usually show up. And those kids. She's four now. She has to learn reality. What reality is. Princesses aren't perfect.

[A]

I think princesses are pretty drunk too. Like, wow. Even the birds are chirping with me. Like that kind of vibe. It's like, oh, wow.

[B]

They're all Xanaxed out.

[A]

They're just like. Yeah, they're barred up, bro. They're like. Oh, my God, the dwarves.

[B]

They're not even actually singing. They're. They're wailing.

[A]

They're just humming in their head. They think it's in their head. Yeah. I'm the prettiest girl.

[B]

My prince charming left me.

[A]

How did you get that gig?

[B]

You know, you grew up in Kentucky. Everybody at some point has to be a princess.

[A]

Okay, that's beautiful.

[B]

Has to play a princess.

[A]

Okay, now what's this?

[B]

I was also hired to be a princess. That was a roast of Disney or Pixar or something. I don't know. And I was dory and I made that. I made that costume.

[A]

You made that?

[B]

Yeah. How'd you fucking make that felt? And a lot of beanie babies. Holy shit inside there.

[A]

That's out of control.

[B]

You know, my friends were getting promotions at their accounting jobs and I had quit my day job and was making a dory costume for a crowd of six People, what's this one? Oh, that's. That was my first time ever doing stand up comedy. Dude, how did you find these pictures? How did you find these pictures? I was in college at the University of South Carolina. Go Gamecocks. And go Cox. Go Cox, baby. A fraternity had a competition where you had to enter in every sorority had to enter in a girl. It was like a pageant. So I did an opening monologue like I was Chelsea Handler. Her show, Chelsea Lately was out. Then I roasted all the frat guys, and then we did, like a sit down interview sketch. And the pledge was Charlie Sheen when he was doing, like, winning Tiger's Blood. And I won, and I was like, I think I just did stand up comedy. And that's when my. The stand up comedy bug bit.

[A]

No way.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

I'm so glad we found this picture.

[B]

Then that full circle. Also, there is a video of my set. Then. I hope it never gets leaked because it's.

[A]

It's troublesome. I'm sure this next one. Now what I think this is. Are you getting slimed at the Kids Choice Awards?

[B]

That's my little brother.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

No, it's me. I. Listen, I. You know, I took some creative. I went in a different direction for a photo shoot. For Vogue? No, just for my friend.

[A]

Yeah, of course.

[B]

And we.

[A]

On the tennis courts.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. She went into a thrift store and bought some clothes that gave me a rash afterwards. And we took some fun pictures. Whatever.

[A]

Yeah, it's beautiful.

[B]

Fun.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

I wanted to be Scary Spice.

[A]

Gram, she's a white woman on Instagram.

[B]

That was another photo shoot. Guys, this isn't fair. You didn't start comedy in Atlanta, Georgia, when no one knew who you were.

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay. You took.

[A]

I don't know why this is getting put on me.

[B]

I took different artistic liberties back then.

[A]

And as an actress, we're finding out you have choices you need to make.

[B]

I have choices to make. And I needed to take some very artistic photos to sell my brewery shows.

[A]

And you know what you wanted to do? You wanted to get BuzzFeed.

[B]

I wanted to get BuzzFeed.

[A]

And you do anything to get there.

[B]

Taylor Swift as a bride. Taylor Swift as a chief's bride. No further questions, your honor. I. Listen, I did odd jobs. I did a. I did a commercial for @t where they were selling these little magnets that you could put on, like, your. Your. Like your storage or in your trucks that could track if there's like a ding or how fast you were going. I don't really remember exactly what it was. These are odd jobs. Yeah.

[A]

It did spark you to start wearing one pieces. That's kind of your thing.

[B]

Yeah, that was. I think it was the one I ever wore, but this one, we. I was interviewing a truck driver and we were trying to sell the product, and I knew, like, you know, you could say certain things. You couldn't say certain things for AT&T. This truck driver was not briefed.

[A]

Oh, so this is. This is when they have in the fine print real people, not actors.

[B]

Yes, correct. I don't think that that actually ever made it to air because of that. But that is her rig. I don't even know. I don't know what this is from. This is. How did you find this doesn't even look like you.

[A]

If I'm gonna.

[B]

I was a little bit chunkier. Let me see this one.

[A]

I like the cut off.

[B]

I had such a. I don't know. I don't know what that's from. I don't know why I'm holding ones.

[A]

In the bed with the truck driver.

[B]

Is what it looks like I wanted to be. I always thought Van Life would be fun. Yeah. That was my first time in New York City.

[A]

Did you enjoy yourself?

[B]

Yeah. The dude that was. That was Stephen Colbert.

[A]

Vintage.

[B]

That was his first week. These are. These were like, he hadn't been out air yet. It was the first week he was taping.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

And they weren't even on the air yet. This is like a second show. Run the Jewels was the. Was the band.

[A]

And the last one.

[B]

I couldn't afford highlights then. And that's important. That's where you go.

[A]

That's why you started for him.

[B]

Yeah. And now gay men for highlights. That's when I was staying true and not doing, you know, staying true to my values.

[A]

And now this next segment, we call this Shout Out. So you can just shout out anyone you want right into this camera. You look right in and you can go rapid fire style. I'll do. I'll do mine right now. Shout out anybody who wants to fuck me. Shout out, my sister. Shout out anybody who will want to fuck me.

[B]

Shout out, Ellen DeGeneres. Shout out Wanda Psych. Shout out Tig Notaro. You're all my favorites and I want to be just like you.

[A]

And anything you want to plug you go over here.

[B]

Just come see me on the road. Catherineblafer.com I'll be in Tulsa and Lexington and Minneapolis and other cities as well in addition to that. And I have a new podcast out, only available on YouTube called Coastal Idiot.

[A]

Thank you, Katherine.

[B]

Bye, guys. Bye, guys. Shout out, Solange.