Live From DISGRACEFUL: It's Whitney Cummings!

Summary

Podcast Summary: Live From DISGRACEFUL: It's Whitney Cummings!

Disgraceful with Grace O’Malley kicks off its inaugural episode with an energetic and humorous exchange between host Grace O’Malley and her guest, acclaimed comedian Whitney Cummings. Broadcasting live from a cozy Manhattan studio, the episode sets the tone for a series filled with candid conversations, comedic banter, and insightful discussions about the lives of comedians.

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I. Introduction and Hosting Dynamics

Grace opens the show with an amusing blend of confidence and self-deprecation, likening the podcast to a fusion of 70s late-night vibes and Joan Rivers' sharp wit.

Grace O’Malley [00:26]:
“...like 70s Carson vibes, Joan Rivers, if it ever worked out...”

Introducing Whitney as her first guest, Grace emphasizes Whitney's comedic prowess and personal significance in her life.

Grace O’Malley [01:07]:
“...the funniest woman I know.”

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II. Transitioning from Friendship to Business Partnership

The conversation swiftly moves to the show's unique format where guests audition to become Grace’s co-host. Whitney humorously navigates the shift from being friends to potential business partners, highlighting the challenges of mixing personal relationships with professional endeavors.

Whitney Cummings [02:05]:
“You know, so I would rather be your co-host than your friend.”

They discuss the importance of maintaining boundaries to preserve both friendship and business dynamics, introducing Nora O’Malley from HR to manage potential conflicts.

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III. Authenticity in Comedy and the Entertainment Industry

Grace and Whitney delve into the prevalence of fakery in Hollywood compared to the authenticity they strive for in podcasting and comedy. They critique the superficiality often rewarded in the entertainment industry and advocate for genuine expression.

Grace O’Malley [06:40]:
“It's just, why is everyone fake as fuck?”

Whitney concurs, contrasting Hollywood’s emphasis on deceit with podcasting’s aim for honesty.

Whitney Cummings [07:02]:
“...people who get awards for telling the truth.”

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IV. On the Road: Touring Tales and Hotel Room Antics

The duo shares hilarious anecdotes from their touring days, especially focusing on their chaotic hotel stays. Whitney narrates her adventures with luggage mishaps, Target runs, and dealing with cluttered spaces, all delivered with her signature comedic flair.

Grace O’Malley [24:17]:
“She goes to her room. I go to my room. Fifteen minutes later, I'm like, I'm gonna come grab you.”

They highlight Grace’s unique pre-show rituals, including her unconventional method of dealing with her belongings.

Whitney Cummings [23:49]:
“...tribal makeup...”

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V. Navigating Relationships and Personal Growth

A significant portion of the episode focuses on personal relationships, particularly navigating toxic dynamics and the importance of setting boundaries. Whitney offers insights into maintaining self-respect while supporting friends through challenging times.

Whitney Cummings [81:13]:
“It's called being America's sweetheart. And it's not easy.”

They discuss the complexities of being kind without becoming a pushover, emphasizing the need to prioritize personal well-being over strained relationships.

Grace O’Malley [90:05]:
“...you have to find your people.”

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VI. Balancing Self-Awareness and Comedy

Grace and Whitney explore the fine line between self-awareness and comedic exaggeration. They reflect on how personal insecurities and past experiences shape their comedic material, often turning vulnerabilities into relatable humor.

Grace O’Malley [87:00]:
“You're a bitch.”

Whitney Cummings [90:05]:
“...if I'm gonna be your co-host, here are my rules...”

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VII. Humorous Takes on Celebrity Culture

The episode features playful jabs at celebrity behaviors and pop culture phenomena. Grace and Whitney mockingly dissect the antics of public figures like Diddy, Anne Hathaway, and Taylor Swift, blending satire with personal anecdotes for comedic effect.

Whitney Cummings [97:14]:
“...she's my hero, and damn it, thank you so much for admitting that.”

Grace O’Malley [100:04]:
“And this is me being honest with you.”

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VIII. Closing Remarks and Future Directions

As the episode winds down, Grace and Whitney discuss potential segments and the importance of maintaining authenticity in their content. They contemplate ending episodes with personalized messages or quotes, reinforcing the show's commitment to genuine interaction.

Grace O’Malley [105:22]:
“Hey, guys, this is Grace O’Malley signing off. Have a day. Much love.”

Whitney Cummings [105:35]:
“No, we're not doing this.”

The dynamic duo wraps up with mutual appreciation for each other's comedic talents and a promise of more engaging episodes to come.

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Notable Quotes

• Grace O’Malley [00:15]:
  “You pay my bills.”

• Whitney Cummings [02:10]:
  “I have loved being your friend. I love you dearly.”

• Grace O’Malley [06:16]:
  “...why is everyone fake as fuck?”

• Whitney Cummings [24:00]:
  “I'm an artist. I like to have the paint just about anywhere...”

• Grace O’Malley [90:10]:
  “What's going on with Kim?”

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Conclusion

The first episode of Disgraceful with Grace O’Malley adeptly blends humor with heartfelt discussions, setting a high bar for future episodes. Grace and Whitney's chemistry promises a series where comedians can candidly share their experiences, challenges, and triumphs, all while delivering consistent comedic value. Listeners can look forward to more insightful and laughter-filled conversations in subsequent episodes.

Transcript

[A]

Coming at you live from a shady.

[B]

Manhattan studio, It's Disgraceful. Featuring your gracious ginger host.

[A]

Hey, watch yourself. Only I can say that.

[B]

Okay, boss, whatever you say.

[A]

You pay my bills.

[B]

Give it up for Grace O'Malley.

[A]

I'm not nervous. You are. Welcome to the first episode of the Disgraceful Show. It's not a podcast. It's a late night show. But it's not late night. It's probably gonna be posted around 10am doesn't matter. We're gonna get into the details later of it all, but it's gonna be like 70s Carson vibes, Joan Rivers, if it ever worked out, so we're gonna move on. And I thought the best guest for the first episode is the woman who I owe my whole life to besides my mother. The woman who told me I can do whatever I want. And I'm still learning. And for which it is, I am so happy to present my first guest, my friend, the funniest woman I know, Whitney Cummings.

[B]

Oh, my gosh. This is. Why am I nervous? Why am I sweating?

[A]

I'm setting a precedent of being nervous. Look at me. I'm like, tense as a fuck.

[B]

Let's just be silly gooses.

[A]

Yeah. Okay, so I won't be a host.

[B]

Okay, first of all, you look stunning.

[A]

Right back at you, man.

[B]

Let's start there. We've already won.

[A]

Oh, dude, the hair is on point.

[B]

The set is amazing.

[A]

Thank you very much. So this is the makeshift studio that we're doing for the first couple episodes, and then it's gonna be based in New York. It might look a little different.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I just have to thank you so much for doing this and thank you for being my first guest. And I'm gonna stop the host of it all in a second. But first, first up, this is how I wanted to start the show. I don't know if you know, but I used to have a podcast, and I'm now looking for a new co host.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And so I think every guest that I have on is going to be auditioning to be my new co host to oblige.

[B]

Here's what I'll say. I think you should have. We should either be co hosts or friends. Maybe not both.

[A]

That's a great idea.

[B]

You know, so I would rather be your co host than your friend.

[A]

Okay. That's fair.

[B]

I have loved being your friend. I love you dearly.

[A]

I know.

[B]

But Mommy's got bills.

[A]

I know, and I understand that.

[B]

So let's end our friendship. Because working with friends, let's just say maybe doesn't go so well.

[A]

And so where do you draw the line with friendship and business? So I can't call you on a Tuesday and ask, hey, who are you?

[B]

Maybe schedule a zoom. Okay.

[A]

Yeah, go through your people maybe.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, maybe a slack.

[A]

Okay. All right.

[B]

I'd like HR to be there.

[A]

Oh, yes.

[B]

Oh, hr. Okay, so you don't know what this is? Hr. It is a office where if you are being mistreated by your boss or maybe, like, publicly discussed by an older man and having the details of your life and emotional traumas exploited, you can, like, go to someone and be like, help.

[A]

No, that can't.

[B]

This is. You know what's wild? It's so common that most people complain there's too much of it.

[A]

What?

[B]

It's like a pr, but you have had none of it. But this is something that. It's, like, protects employees.

[A]

Hr. Her. Yeah, what does that stand for?

[B]

Like, for example, maybe in this room, you guys could ask for chairs so you're not sitting on the floor.

[A]

So, listen, this is the first episode. I don't want to get in trouble.

[B]

I'm witnessing a couple women sitting on the floor.

[A]

Ladies, I respect the hell out of you, but thank you so much for sitting on the floor. Why does my sister have the only chair?

[B]

This is not the birthday girl. Birthday girl has a chair.

[A]

I gotta take a photograph of this.

[B]

She's in. The baby's in the corner over here. So I already see a couple HR violations currently that I would like to report myself, so you let me know.

[A]

So it has been a pleasure to have you as a pal. But moving on as a business partner, I'm gonna miss this call.

[B]

Can I just say something about you?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I will pat myself on the back. I think everybody has this feeling about you. I knew you were gonna be a star.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

The moment you rushed up to me at Barstool Sports. By the way, you were miming help.

[A]

But, dude, I was like, we have the picture. We'll put it in. I'm like this. I love you, Whitney. I.

[B]

Well, because I. Every time I go in there, I'm a little bit like, I have to go get a tetanus shot first. You know, I kind of.

[A]

You have to wear. What is it? To cover your balls, even though they're just not tapping all around.

[B]

I'm kind of just. Everyone's offering me energy drinks that haven't been approved by the FDA yet. Wow, you've really nailed it. Like, no, I don't think I want a Blue Chew, but Do you mind if I don't eat a blue chew? Then you gotta have a blue chew on this interview.

[A]

You only do blue chew.

[B]

I'm not on payroll here. I don't have payroll. I put that in quotes. I don't have to eat any of these weird pills that you're dick pills. I'm good. And then. And then you, like, ran up to me, and I was like, oh, is this where they. The trafficking happens? I don't. You look. You were so. And.

[A]

Oh, Whitney, that is the nicest compliment I've ever gotten. I would never be trafficked. I would put up a fight.

[B]

Well, you're going to super bowl this weekend. That's the epicenter. So later. But. And I knew right away. Like, I just knew right away because you have such a pure heart. It is so obvious to anyone. And you are so honest. And when you say and it was so uncomfortable. The whole exchange was so uncomfortable. But that's where I thrive.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Discomfort and cringe.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? So I was like, as I get on my level. You were on my level. I just hit the plant.

[A]

Oh, oh.

[B]

With gesticulation.

[A]

And we will have HR Looking.

[B]

We can't have plants near, like, female comics.

[A]

Let's just knock it over.

[B]

We need too much attention. This plant needs too much attention. I'm not looking for a sidekick. And so let's get this thing back to target asap. It's like, just a microplastics trap. So I just knew right away, like, anyone listening is going to know what I'm talking about. You have girls. Girl energy. And it's hard to explain. How do I explain it? It's whatever Blake Lively isn't. You have it. And you. And. Because I also think that there's this thing in comedy and probably every business where it's like, if you're a fan of someone, you're you. I don't like, you're like, do I say? Do I You It. You didn't even think about it.

[A]

I can't. I can't help it.

[B]

You just said exactly what you felt. And it meant so much to me because I have. Sometimes people will mean girl me and be like, hey, like, you're really, like, funny. Or, like, I used to love you. Or like, my mom loves you or just you. Just you. My friend's a big fan. Can I get a picture? Like, you didn't try to neg me.

[A]

No.

[B]

When. And I really appreciate it.

[A]

I mean, of course. I just. Here's my thing about this whole industry. It's like, why is everyone fake as fuck? It's like. It's. It's this crazy thing. Just be yourself and be on. Like. I don't know. I don't know why you have to, like, nag people to make a connection.

[B]

Well, there's two industries, I feel like now. I mean, there's. You know, it's like Hollywood is. These are people that get trophies for lying.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

These are people who get awards for telling the truth. They get paid hundreds of. Because they're so good at lying and being fake. So that makes sense in that business. But podcasting, like, we're here to try to, like, be real and tell the truth. So when people are being fake and podcasting, it's like, oh, no, this is. We use this. You're this person. Like, you're not even doing this for. You know, for 10 is also, like, the thing that bothers me and your boss and you have sisters. Like, the thing that bothers me when someone's fake is, like, what you're really doing is you're calling me dumb.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because you. You. And you're making me act.

[A]

Yeah. Because now we're both trying to do this.

[B]

Like, now I have to enter into your bullshit. Yeah. Improv scene.

[A]

No, thank you.

[B]

And you don't even have it together. You're not even selling this fakeness. And then I have to pretend I'm buying it. So now I'm being fake. You. Now I caught your fake.

[A]

Oh, my God, you're so just giving.

[B]

Herpes like an adult. I don't want your fake.

[A]

The in the middle, man. Let's just get. Let's just get checked together.

[B]

And I think people tend to think that, like, oh, that person's, like, not full of. And so real. That doesn't mean rude, because they're like, like, oh, you're so real. That also means going, I'm a big fan.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I love Taylor Swift. I'm not gonna, like, be, you know.

[A]

When someone's, like, one more time into the camera.

[B]

I. I do. I do like her.

[A]

Okay, good.

[B]

Why?

[A]

It's just a slippery slope.

[B]

Are we in trouble? Is she bad now?

[A]

No, no. You always want to be on her side, you know?

[B]

You know why I like Taylor Swift? Okay. I like. First of all, I like all the tricks. She. I like all the. She puts thought into things.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

She's a dork.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I like that in the sweetest way possible. And I. Oh, no. Are we. I feel like I'm walking in any Time.

[A]

Anytime you talk about Taylor Swift, you have to watch your words.

[B]

I like.

[A]

You've said nothing but good things thus far.

[B]

Here's what I like about this bitch. She works harder than anybody and she cheers for other women. I don't know if it's fake. Fine. Yeah, fine. I'm doing a great job at that.

[A]

That's the kind of thing I can get behind. Because at least you're supporting.

[B]

She is dancing. She's the only person standing up dancing for Sabrina Carpenter and the other. And she knows every word.

[A]

And doing the stanky leg.

[B]

They pan to a couple people during Sabrina Carpenter that did not know the words of the song. I keep score.

[A]

And also, how do you not. It's please, please, please, please, please just know the words. It's. It's really that. It's simple, you know, they didn't even.

[B]

Bother going to the black people, though. Every time.

[A]

Espresso. Espresso, Espresso.

[B]

Totally. Like, you're going out of your way to not know her music. So I just. I don't know. I. I just. I don't. I think there's this thing and that, like, people, like, have to be negative about whatever's popular or something.

[A]

Yeah. It's like the cool thing to do. I. I understand. Well, no, I'm not going there. What?

[B]

Where were you gonna go? It's just. It's always cut it.

[A]

It's just. It's just her. Her fans. I. I like Taylor Swift and. But I'm not a Swifty. There's like a.

[B]

There's a very.

[A]

Here's what I'll say.

[B]

You're welcome to. You're in Hollywood now, baby. Now, if you don't have a religion, I'd get one quick.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Because if you don't have a religion, you're gonna need a cult, and Swifty's a cult. I'm into it. I'm open. I'm. I'm available. I need to hear more about it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? I hear the merch lines are very long. Yeah, that's not for me.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

You know, I don't. I can't dress up on my off time. You got to dress up in a costume for the shows or whatever.

[A]

Oh, yes. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. So. But I'm in the market for. Look, I tried to become a Scientologist when I first moved here. They passed. They said, we're good.

[A]

You've talked about that on. I think on the previous podcast, I was. Which. A part of. What was it that they didn't like.

[B]

About you by personality. Oh, good, good, good, good, good, good, good. And I'm in. When in also they, they get actors like that move to Hollywood like on the ground floor that they know are going to make it. They also probably like they should really just be agents. You know what they. Here's the great news about Scientology. I will, I will tout the benefits of Scientology all day long. Okay. Number one, where would the people that are susceptible to their cult, what would they be doing if they weren't in that castle? I don't know if you're, if you think Scientology is a good idea, I think you should go. I think it's, I'd rather you there.

[A]

Yeah. No, that's so true. You know, people with like minded ideas stick together flocks.

[B]

What else would you be doing?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I don't know, starting like a website about sports or something. I don't know. You might be doing something very annoying. You know, who knows. But they also used to get homeless people off the street in California that they handled it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They were like, hey, you know you need aliens. Come on in. Lose the method. Lithium water. Let's go. Cults people are pretty happy. So something like, I don't know, swifties like that. It seems like it's a whole thing. I'm in the market for one of those. Like what's your. Are you religious? I don't even know.

[A]

I'm not, I'm, no, I'm not. I, I wish I was. It's being grown up Catholic. I, I, it was just like a whole thing. Yeah.

[B]

Isn't it hard to like, did you guys go to like a Catholic school.

[A]

With CCD and this is a new joke I'm working on where I would. I went to ccd. What's ccd? Sorry. It's an after school program for Catholic children. Yes, well, it depends how you look at religion.

[B]

For Catholic children after school program. This is not.

[A]

So you learn about the coming forward.

[B]

Please don't come forward.

[A]

No, no. They just like the boys.

[B]

Okay, got it.

[A]

Yeah. Moving on. I was an altar girl. They didn't. I was there for the wrong reasons.

[B]

Any who they don't like mouthy ones either. This is why cults don't want us. This is why people like, did you go to a diddy party? I'm like, if you're diddy, I'm the last person I would be live streaming like beaver. Like, I am the worst person. I was like, you're so hol Hollywood. I'm like, I don't get invited to that stuff. You know, I have Tourette's. No one's gonna invite me to this stuff.

[A]

Oh, dude, you sure?

[B]

Look, I saw. Can I tell you, I saw Diddy once at a, Like, a, like, after party.

[A]

I call him Puff.

[B]

Puff. First of all, no one listens to me. I know I come off crazy because I had blue hair and I talk like this, and I have a dog with me at all times, and I wear horses all over my body, but I was like, no one thinks it's weird this guy keeps changing his name. Yeah, you don't do that if you're not running from the law. Like, think about what's going on in your life when, like, someone is like, hey, we have a package for Sean Combs. They're like, sean Puff Daddy Sean Combs no longer get that. Like, that's shady behavior. It's like eight different. Why would you do that unless you were involved in something shady?

[A]

He's like, doing the opposite of, like, the. The protection program. Witness protection program. He's just, like, changing his name but not changing his look or hiding.

[B]

Well, that's what they. Hiding in plain sight. The best way to do it.

[A]

Is that what he said?

[B]

Oh, yeah, I think that's what I think. Because think about it, like. Like, if you're Diddy, like, people are like, oh, you have these shady parties. Like, yeah, I have these crazy parties. And everyone's like, well, they must not be that crazy because he just did that. Yeah, he would, like, go on shows and be like, yeah, all these crazy girls having a. And everyone's like, well, someone would have done something if that was. You wouldn't make that joke if it was true.

[A]

That's so true. Yeah.

[B]

Plain sight.

[A]

He's just. Oh, and he always, like, went out of his way to mention it. I saw this clip from Ellen. He just kept saying, you know, but those parties. Like you said, like, but those parties. Yeah, like, nobody's talking about your parties. He's like, but I throw a good party, right?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. So I'm like, these parties must just be dorky. Like, what a loser that keeps having these parties. No one will come to you, and.

[A]

You have to keep, like, promoting your party. You're like the. The. The grossest form of a promoter, even though promoters are bottom tier.

[B]

But he's, like, letting everybody know he has shady parties. Servants. Again, he has parties. He talks about it publicly. Wow, this, like, must be fine, dude.

[A]

I mean, just coming into all of this and learning all these, like, little. I have Been such a small brain. Simpleton.

[B]

Nope, nope, nope. We will get to your music choice in a minute, but smooth brain Central 101. Welcome back to Smooth Brain Central.

[A]

We're listening to Smooth Brain.

[B]

I do think your fans deserve to know the esoteric, weird things about you that I found out when we were touring together. But here's the thing. But you're like this. Like, you're gonna move through life, like, looking at things that nobody else is looking at, and people are gonna think you're crazy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. My entire life, Diddy, I met. Didn't meet. Saw him at a. Didn't meet him.

[A]

Watch your words.

[B]

Didn't meet him at some party. Whatever. Trust me, if I met him, every woman know him. It was like an after party for. Okay, so there's these parties that happen after the Oscars, after the Emmys, when you're not the kind. You're not the person that's winning, but you go just to, like, let the agents know you got the Botox you needed.

[A]

I'm back.

[B]

You're just letting people know what you look like in person.

[A]

Do I look young enough?

[B]

I guess. Nobody. Exactly. Like, I don't get Botox anymore, so I don't even get invited. I try to not go. I'm like, just look at my Instagram with the Paris filter.

[A]

But you. I. You are aging backwards. You. I say it all the time. But my mom. My mom always says to you. Well, she says to me a lot. But she said to you one time, she was like, you have porcelain doll skin. I think she, like, caressed.

[B]

You know, I sleep like a baby at night because I say, I don't keep secrets.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And people think you're nuts, but you get. You don't have guilt.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You don't carry guilt.

[A]

Yeah. No. That's a nice way to be say it.

[B]

But also. Yeah. I do a laser called Although I'll do a lot of shit and put a lot of shit on my face, but we can get to that later. So I see whatever his name is, and I always just want a clock. Like, you know, and I see him. He's with Kim Porter, his wife, who is 45.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And he's. What?

[A]

I'm not sure.

[B]

45. Oh, well, no one thinks that's fishy.

[A]

Where you going with this?

[B]

I'm sorry. A billionaire is dating a woman his age. Call the police. That is the shadiest, fishiest, most. I'm a robot and gonna do the thing to throw everyone off the Trail choice. You think this is his love of his life? You think this is what. This is what I'm talking about.

[A]

I would never second guess it until now.

[B]

I caught with Epstein. I was like, okay, you're telling me this billionaire could have any woman he wants and he picked Janet from Three's company, the Short Bob. That's. There's something up.

[A]

That's Rizzo from Greece.

[B]

Yeah. So if Diddy showed up with like a 28 year old model, I'd be like, okay, moving on. I mean, this is. Smells like this is weird. No one thinks this is weird. A man. When a billionaire dates a woman his age, something is off.

[A]

All right, that checks out. I. I mean, these are the things. I gotta start opening my eyes.

[B]

If a guy pretends to be into a woman his age, he's a pedophile.

[A]

Noted. Well, and does that count for like everyone?

[B]

I'd. I don't, I don't wanna.

[A]

I mean, well, my, my parents are five years apart.

[B]

This is like weird. I mean, I'll do more for this weirdos in this business.

[A]

It doesn't, it doesn't work for our fellows in Local 369.

[B]

You have to. You really put yourself in the mind of a psychopath who's like, I'm into kids, so what should I do? I got to find myself a woman my age. Like, no one in Hollywood does that. There's no app for that.

[A]

Moving on.

[B]

Am I hired as your co host? I haven't got there yet.

[A]

The question. The questions here are. Okay, you have. You have. I don't need these. Please. You have.

[B]

If you ask me how I got into comedy, I will. No fucking shot.

[A]

No shot in hell. I think I would do that joke. What are your favorite comedians? No, I'm just kidding.

[B]

Is it harder being a female in comedy, by the way? Is it? I actually have that question for you.

[A]

I don't know. I. I feel. I feel poorly for saying that. I haven't had a. Like.

[B]

No, this is. This is. This is the. This is the goal.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That you know when you're nailing it and you know when it's not hard and to not cry victim when you're not feeling it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know it's coming. Don't worry.

[A]

No ab. Absolutely. And I'm sure of it. But everyone's just been very like weirdly welcoming. Yeah. Like, I've definitely noticed like a big transition from like when I was doing open mics. Like people were being like then. But like, as I've like made more Friends and done more shows in different.

[B]

Places, and you're paying your dues. You're going to the clubs. Like, you're doing it the right way.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're the real deal. I love what's happening because you're. It's okay to be okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think sometimes we forget that, like, the whole goal was for girls to be able to just do comedy and be like, no, it's just people are being nice to me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, that's awesome.

[A]

And, like, this is good news. And thank. I just. I. I say it all the time, but I can't thank you enough for asking me to open for you and then following through. I. Of course, you're. You're a woman of your word. But it really, like, it really put the fire into my ass. And I. I've told you. And I wouldn't have gotten into it if you didn't say, just do it.

[B]

Like, force you to do it.

[A]

Yeah. And, like.

[B]

Because I knew it. Cause I was like, the thing that's gonna make you so great at this is the. Because you doubt yourself. And I can see it. And I know this is why you're gonna be great, and I know you're gonna keep doubting yourself, so I'm just gonna, like, force you to do this and figure that out.

[A]

And, like, no one.

[B]

No one. Anyone who's like, I'm gonna be a great comic. You're not funny. There's no way you're funny. If you'd been like, I'm gonna be awesome. And, like, I'd be like, get out of here. When you're like, I don't know if I should do it. I'm like, I know you have what it takes, because I know you're gonna be hard on yourself.

[A]

And the. The real kicker, and I don't think people know this, is you put me on a show that next day after I did your podcast, and you, like, where you, like, doubled down and said that. Because you said it on plumbery, and you were like, you should open for me. And I was like, ah, that's a funny thing to say.

[B]

Was that when I did your thing, I was like, so, how's this friendship going? How's the going into business? So what's the plan? I literally was like, what's the plan for going into business together?

[A]

There is. There is actual footage of her asking. And I'm like, what?

[B]

No, it would never happen to us.

[A]

But anywho, on urpod, you double down, and then the next day, you put me On a show in Santa Monica, I believe. And I.

[B]

That was rude of me. I shouldn't be thanking me for that.

[A]

No, but, no, but like I put like Howie Mandel was on that. Like, it was like a bunch of well known people that were on that show. And I just had to write a set that day because I didn't have a set at the time because I used to write a new set every time. And now I've learned that you work on the same thing for a long time.

[B]

A long time.

[A]

A long time.

[B]

Really? Even though you're so inherently funny. You know what I mean? That you are. Like, if you just tell the truth about what you're thinking, like, this is what I see with you. Like, just go on stage and tell the truth, you'll be fine. But also, yeah, if you're going to write a bit and I see you working it out and working it out and as I've seen you grow, my only note has always been just say it. Just be more. You, like, don't like, you know what I mean? Sometimes we have to go on stage and like we have to strip away the thing we think we're supposed to be doing on stage and you have to figure out a way to just get back to you if that makes any sense.

[A]

And it's been really funny because for the time I was with you, I was trying to work on just that 15. And so I've been honed in on that 15 for like a year. And now I'm like, I'm trying my best to like get an hour going.

[B]

Because 15 also isn't a good amount of time to like get, you know, it's a weird amount of time. So for you to be doing an hour, that's what you really need to be doing and seeing how, you know. Does anyone care about this?

[A]

Yeah, sorry, no, I don't.

[B]

I don't like.

[A]

I think so. I. A lot of my fans, fans.

[B]

I said yes, you have, by the way. Can I tell you something? This is the other thing. This is. Can I just. You know what? I make a lot of bad decisions in life. My picker when it comes to men is off in a way that honestly I. Someone should 5150 me. I think Britney Spears dad is the only person that can save me for myself at this point. I would like to go live in Calabasas, the bunker. But when it comes to knowing who is funny, I just, I'm right. And your fans also tell me everything I need to know about you. Because the way they feel so connected to you.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

And that's the goal. Like, the goal. I always say, like, if you're gonna come to a show, I want you to feel like we're friends at the end of the show, because I talk to the audience about things I don't talk to my own friends about.

[A]

Oh, my God. I realized that the other day. I was like, I would never say this stuff because I was saying some off the cuff stuff that's not in my set. And I was like, I would never say this to even my sister, but I'm saying it to everybody on stage right now.

[B]

Totally.

[A]

It's so crazy.

[B]

Like, if you've come to a show, you know me so much better than anyone in my life, frankly, you know? But I would like to just get serious for a second and talk about the. What is the game plan for addressing the. Your traveling style, your packing style? I am. I just feel like I need to. This is an intervention. Like, I. I just am curious what happens between walking into the hotel room and, like, what happens? Right. You just unzip and you. Do you throw the luggage against the wall? Is it like a. Is it a flip? Is it a. Do you get on the bed and hold it up and, like, is it.

[A]

A. I usually just throw it into the ceiling fan.

[B]

So every single. One at a time?

[A]

Yeah, one at a time.

[B]

Like, I'm unclear. Like, to take. So. And then the makeup bag. Is it. Is there, like, a. Like a bomb? Like, what. How does the powder get on the ceiling from the glossier? Like, how does.

[A]

I'm an artist. I like to have the paint just about anywhere, and I'll just grab my hands and put it on. It's kind of like tribal makeup.

[B]

So literally, we're in. We get to Atlantic City, we check in. She goes to her room. I go to my room. Fifteen minutes later, I'm like, I'm gonna come grab you. When I tell you 15 minutes have elapsed, I open. First of all, Frank Sinatra's playing.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

You did it.

[A]

You said it.

[B]

Into the hallway, Frank is blasting.

[A]

And you know what sucked is Whitney knocked on the door, and it was probably, like, the. One of the only times I probably didn't want her in my hotel room because it was so messy. And, yes, Frank Sinatra was playing. And it looks like that's my pre show ritual. It looks like I listened to. And there's no way to back out of this, because you caught me.

[B]

No one listens to Frank Sinatra.

[A]

Once I thought it was Cool that we were at a casino in New Jersey, and so I thought a little Sinatra would get the mood going.

[B]

I just don't buy it. This is in your face. I want to see your Spotify wrapped, and I want to see it now on this show. I do not buy it for. So she's blasting Sinatra. I'm like, is this. This must be a. I don't know. Am I in a mafia pimp? Like, is this her? I open the door, there is so much more clothes in the room that could ever fit in your luggage. Like, it is erwer. Okay. It's just like the Sheen Factory. And is that even how you pronounce it?

[A]

Fashion Nova.

[B]

Yeah. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I just. There were children on an assembly line. I'm like, how did all this get here? I go, and then you're. And she gets fully dressed, and we're ready to go. We have, like, 30 minutes before the show. And she's like, Like, I gotta go to Target to get an outfit. What's all this? Every. Every show we are in show.

[A]

We. I went to Target or I had it delivered. I have a. I have a bit that I do on stage. That one time, I just forgot. I just packed skirts and dresses, and I forgot my underwear.

[B]

Yeah, I've been there. I've been there.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. And I doordashed.

[B]

And then you got, like, men's.

[A]

Like, I got meundies.

[B]

I was like, the pro. We just have. Touring is the art. It's hard. It takes a long time. And then I was like, you know what? She. Her birthday's coming up. You know what? I'm gonna get her luggage. Because her luggage is always. The zipper is always. It's always, you know, when the luggage is like, yeah, it's been through a lot. Like, gotta get her luggage. Go to the Tumi store in the airport. My boyfriend's like, you can't just get her. I'm like, trust me.

[A]

No, dude, it was the best birthday present of all time.

[B]

I gave it to her, and like, a week later, she's like, I lost the luggage.

[A]

That is not.

[B]

I think it's at a bar downtown. True. I still have the luggage. Was it less than an airport?

[A]

No way, Jose.

[B]

Oh, okay. Oh, you're bilingual. I didn't know.

[A]

Yes. I don't like to share that part of me because it's not that fluent.

[B]

Oh, because it was like. Because you're like, I love. I mean, it is. I must say, I am so. I. I don't want to say. Proud of you. I mean, when we started hanging out, you, I mean, didn't have your license. I mean, you were.

[A]

That's still.

[B]

That's still a thing.

[A]

No. Yeah, I'm. I. I'm going to vacation somewhere in New York, and I don't want to sound like a but I'm going to get my license out there.

[B]

Okay. In New York.

[A]

In New York somewhere.

[B]

But I thought you had left it at a bar of some sort, so.

[A]

That expired in 2020.

[B]

Copy.

[A]

Yeah. And I moved to New York and I don't need a license, so I just have a beaten and battered passport that they're no longer really taking at tsa. So we're running into a problem.

[B]

But, like, I. I hope I didn't, like, put you in a situation that you were, like, not ready for or something like that. I just think you're never ready.

[A]

No. You're never ready. And I wasn't ready. And then I would go. Go out and try to do comedy as much, as much as possible and get any time I could. And up until it was time to go when we. When you asked me to. This is a secret. When you asked me to do earlier shows in September, and we were supposed to start at the end of September. Well, I was supposed to join you at the end of September. You had asked me when I was drunk, of course, obviously said yes, but I was like, I'm not ready. I'm not ready at all. I need that extra two weeks. And then I realized that I was also on tour for the podcast, and I was like, fuck it. You just gotta do both. Yeah, you just do both. You have two. Every opportunity there is.

[B]

I just wish you guys could, like, you. You love Grace now. If you were traveling with her, you would just love her. Her hair is always wet. I mean, it is always.

[A]

This is. This is new and spicy.

[B]

I have never seen anything like it. I don't know if it's been wet. Was it? I don't know. You would have wondered what happened to Target? She comes out from Target, just wet. Just bags. And she also has the biggest heart, truly. And I don't know if it's being a big sister to so many sisters. When we're touring, she is like, you're the star. You're a star, too. And she's like, can I grab you anything? And I'm like, no, you can't.

[A]

Well, that's just being a pal.

[B]

I know, but the promoter comes in, she's like, can I help you with anything? The promoter's like, okay. The Last female comic that was here spit in my face like that. People. She's so nice. People didn't even know what to do with it.

[A]

Dude, one. One thing I just recently did in the green room, the promoter was asking, can I. Can I help you with anything? Like, do you need anything? And I knew my family was going to be there in the green room all night long. And I said in the nicest way possible, can you please keep the beers coming? I just didn't know how to word it without sounding like a dickhead.

[B]

I. The only beef I have with you, actually our only fight, is that I wanted your dad to do stand up on the Boston show and you wouldn't allow it because I think you were scared.

[A]

Of course I was. That is literally grounds of cancellation. Guilt of association.

[B]

He was gonna maybe overshadow, manipulation, steal. Steal your limelight.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, you're gonna love this. I did my shows in front of my family. Everyone was so happy. Shit faced. Somebody went out on a stretcher. Yeah, Boston, baby. And my dad came up to me, he was like, where did I go wrong?

[B]

I was like, wow, wow. With you doing stand up or with.

[A]

With the context of which it is. Yeah. He's like, molly, coke, ketamine.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

I was like, I thought we knew this and this.

[B]

And you don't share it. What kind of daughter do I have that won't share her drugs with her own father?

[A]

Dude, I hit him back with. Should have did it in the 80s. I bet it was better.

[B]

Now I have to test it for fentanyl. It's kind of a nightmare. It kind of takes the fun out of it.

[A]

But I've been better about the drugs. It's. It's a. Is it in a past tense? I say it now.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. I remember when we. And I didn't know if you wanted. When we. When I first met you, I think you were like going hard in the paint on it.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was. I was very honest about it. Maybe that's some screaming for help or something.

[B]

Yeah. But also, you're. I also was like only a real comic. You tell the truth when you should lie.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I remember being like, this is for comedy.

[A]

That's actually one of my questions I have. I am so sorry. I don't know how to transition.

[B]

I need a job. I want this job.

[A]

I'm here to win as a co host and as a comedian, of course. And as a friend. There aren't any limits. And we're always honest with each other. Yeah. But there should be a line sometimes. And where do you think we should draw it?

[B]

It? A cocaine line on your desk?

[A]

They. I would love nothing more. Old meme. I was told I have to start acting like I don't do drugs anymore.

[B]

By who? By the Unwell Network? What's the point? How dare you?

[A]

It's just. It's just not all the time. I'm not a mess.

[B]

No, you're not a mess, but being a mess is funny.

[A]

I know it is.

[B]

In your comics, there is something to go back to. If you do drugs one day a month, that's the funniest night to talk about.

[A]

I mean, I gotta do market research, you know? Yes.

[B]

I'm an anthropologist. That was, by the way, that's my whole thing, like, about, like, all the, like, dorky or weird stuff I do. I'm like, no. Like, when I first got on Tinder, I was like, I'm on Tinder because I have to see what everyone's doing because I'm a comic. And then I was like, so I went on this date with this guy because I'm a comic and I have to know what's going on out there. And we're engaged. And I. Now I know and let me know. I'm just on Tinder back in the. You know. And then.

[A]

But you got caught.

[B]

And then I got busted. And then I have gone to the Renaissance fair the last couple years, like, with friends to like, make fun of the losers that go to the Renaissance.

[A]

Fair for how many years?

[B]

It's three in a row now.

[A]

Yeah. So that's no longer.

[B]

No, I just go. I just go. Lindsey Sterling and I go. And we were just hanging out and I was like, I think we just go to the Ren Faire. She's like, yeah, we go to the Ren Fair. I'm like, oh, I thought we were joking. She's like, no.

[A]

Kind of like, you dress up, you're a dork, you have a lot of fun.

[B]

Yeah. I'm like, I'm one of these losers. You like my crown? Like, I. By the way, I also was rejected by Scientology and I DMed. Okay. Sometimes on the road, we did it where we went from like, like North Carolina to South Carolina. Like, we had some crazy drive, like in the middle, Like a four hour crazy drive in the middle of the night. And there are times where you just have to throw yourself a curveball to get through a drive. And I was with Kevin Christie, comic, and he was like, we were talking about the Ren Fair because I go as A joke. And I was like, you know, the Queen of the Ren Fair, it's a full time. The whole year. They work at like Chipotle. These aren't like professional. They. They have some other job.

[A]

It's not a real royalty queen that's been passed down from generation to generation.

[B]

It's not like Meghan Markle. It's not like someone who.

[A]

It's not a monarch. Authentic queenism.

[B]

No, you don't have to be born from incest. So I was like. So I DM them and I was like, hey, like, I'd be down. This is like three of them.

[A]

Wait, I'm sorry. Do you think there's any chance you'd be able to find that dm? Cuz I really want to know how you worded it.

[B]

I actually can. I can help you with this. I also have the video that I will be providing of her room while she was singing Frank Sinatra. Just in case you think I'm exaggerating. Okay.

[A]

We all have secrets.

[B]

So idea. And the Ren Faire. Because remember when like James Franco did like a soap opera?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Just for like some weird, like, you know, whatever. I was like, what if I was just like, did the Ren Faire for a year, like on tour. I got an auto response that was like, thank you for your message. We will reach out. So I'm gonna just keep working on it.

[A]

Yeah, I think you just really hone in. Maybe get it on the fifth year.

[B]

They rejected me as well. So I don't like people like in LA, they're like, oh, LA is so much rejection from TV. If someone rejects me in TV or movies, I'm like, yeah, they're a pedophile and I look my age, fine. But when I'm rejected by like a cult that takes anyone or the Ren Faire, that's. That's when it hurts.

[A]

Which is also its own form of cult. Once a year. Yeah. If you think about it.

[B]

Well, no, you can go, you're. We'll talk. You can tour year round.

[A]

We could tour with.

[B]

I did ask.

[A]

Jesus Christ.

[B]

I did ask my touring agents. I was like, can you put me in each Ren Fair city when it's touring?

[A]

Oh, Whitney, you're a fucking.

[B]

This is what happens when you stop doing drugs. You do like the Ren Fair. You have to go places that make you feel like you're on drugs. So what I'll say is, is if you're gonna stop doing drugs, fine. But just know you're gonna start going to Anime Con and the Ren Fair and Having aquariums, because that's what I've started doing.

[A]

Oh, aquariums.

[B]

Yeah, I got into aquariums.

[A]

Do you have sharks?

[B]

No sharks. No sharks yet. I have the little sucker guys. But you put.

[A]

You dip your toes in.

[B]

No, I don't put my feet in my aquarium. I would.

[A]

I would have.

[B]

I do not do that.

[A]

Let them suck me off my toes. I don't know. It's been a while. Whitney.

[B]

Grace sleeps over. I come over, she's got her in my aquarium.

[A]

I'm like, grace, Grace, I would do my ass.

[B]

Grace, less Adderall, okay? I'm getting this job. What was even the question? Oh, where is there a line? Is there a line in comedy that you don't make fun of?

[A]

Clearly not. No, no, no line. A line on a podcast, I suppose.

[B]

A line of what you don't address of, like.

[A]

So since we don't have one, would you draw one?

[B]

Yes, I would.

[A]

Yeah, I would.

[B]

I'm like, if I'm gonna be your co host, here are my rules, okay? Right. We do not discuss Trisha Paytas. She scares me, but I really like her.

[A]

She loves me, so I love.

[B]

I love. No, so do I. But I just. I'm scared. I'm just. I'm scared now. I'm sweating.

[A]

She's rocking in the free world. She's got it going on right now, dude.

[B]

I just love her and she scares me and I just. If you're gonna bring it up, you bring her up.

[A]

Oh, yeah. No, no.

[B]

Otherwise, I. I don't know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We do not advertise any pills that make men's dicks harder than they are. I think we need softer dicks. I think we need less dicks. We need less erections in general. So maybe the ads. That's a note on the ads.

[A]

Okay. All right, gotcha.

[B]

What else?

[A]

I won't do dildo ads. So that's. I'd have to get that off my chest.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Yeah. I won't.

[B]

Okay, but what about, like, the. The. The.

[A]

No.

[B]

No. Why not? Why not?

[A]

No sex. I. I can't push something I don't know anything about.

[B]

Well, no, but dildos. Don't know anything about those.

[A]

Moving on.

[B]

Let's see, what else. We don't say anything negative about Taylor Swift.

[A]

I wouldn't.

[B]

I'm gonna say it.

[A]

And I wouldn't.

[B]

I'm gonna say right now. What else? Don't say anything I said on cnn New Year's Eve.

[A]

Why not?

[B]

Let's not say any of that.

[A]

I thought it was very Funny.

[B]

I appreciate that. I talked about things. They weren't conspiracies. They were all true. But they were like, you know, things that people are scared to say. Now I have people coming up to me in the grocery store. They're like, hey, Whitney, did you. Your pandas are fake.

[A]

I'm like, oh, yeah, you attracted the wrong flies to the honey.

[B]

So, like, I like conspiracy theories, but you gotta be careful the audience you attract. Yeah. You know what I mean?

[A]

You'd get people that are very close to me and my fam. My dad's on message board sometimes.

[B]

Oh, yeah, that's. We've been. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. That's a tricky one.

[B]

Maybe no politics. Yeah, I would love that. You know what I mean?

[A]

I would love that.

[B]

Why? Like, why?

[A]

You like me? I like you.

[B]

Let's not ruin it.

[A]

God forbid.

[B]

Let's not ruin it.

[A]

I've got this one thing that's gonna drive you n nuts about me because also, like.

[B]

And then ultimately, it just. Let's not be dorks.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And talk about politics.

[A]

And I'm stupid.

[B]

Well, it's like. It just gets annoying because that once you do, then everyone's gonna want you to. Oh. Since this is your intro episode, this is what there should be. So it's like, people are gonna be like, well, you talked about this. Now you gotta talk about this person. It's like, okay, if you think that us talking about a politic or a cause will change anything in this world, you need to get your brain fa. You should. The irony is that if you want us to talk about politics, we're comics. You shouldn't be able to vote. So that should be the number. It should be like To Catch a Predator. Like, come talk about politics. And if you do, you get your voting card taken away or something. Yeah, no, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I thought it was going to be for the first episode, what my plan was. I was going to pretend it was a politics podcast. Hi, guys. Welcome in. Trump has been elected, and I just, like, do what that guy on TikTok does with his eyes. But I decided against it because I just want to stay away from it. Yeah.

[B]

Can we make fun of everyone? Yeah, yeah. Everybody's got their quirks, but, yeah, I think that maybe staying away from that, just as a general, I think that's so fair.

[A]

I really like setting that precedent. Yeah. All right, cool. So far, you're doing great.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Oh, this is an exercise to see how much we trust each other. If you are in desperate need for someone to watch Henry. Where would I rank on the list?

[B]

What day of the week is it and what city are you in?

[A]

Oh, so this will be in Chicago on a Thursday.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Testing limit.

[B]

You know what? Because LA on a Tuesday, you needed an IV drip. I don't know what happened Monday night in LA that you needed to hydrate yourself.

[A]

I've actually been taking it very easy on the drinking. It was for my health. I.

[B]

So why does it look like a nursing home in your dressing room?

[A]

I had an inkling that I might have diabetes, so I thought maybe that would fix it.

[B]

Okay, well, it's not diabetes unless you call it diabetes. That's.

[A]

It's American. And that's the closest thing I'll get to politicals.

[B]

Okay, so here's what I'll say. You have so many sisters and mother, so many other adults around you and you know, the self esteem is in a good place right now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, but you have just the right amount of insecurity to be afraid.

[A]

Yeah. No, I won't take. Take any chances. I don't want to say anything. I want to hear your full opinion.

[B]

Yeah. So I actually have you ranked pretty high.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Because I know you wouldn't let you know and I know you would snort enough cocaine to stay up with him and be alert.

[A]

Back in the day I switched to Adderall. All right.

[B]

Okay. You would take enough ad. There's a shortage. That's how much she switched.

[A]

I'm paying for it.

[B]

I don't currently have insurance on craigsl. You don't have insurance still just right now it's.

[A]

We're figuring it out.

[B]

Can I get you health insurance?

[A]

Everything's going to be quite all right.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I do. That's why I'm getting the IV because I got to stay up to golf and I can't afford fucking Oz. Epic.

[B]

But the. The price of the IV though is the price of monthly. You know that insurance, you can get it through your chapel just Roan did this whole thing about you can also just pay for it out of pocket. 150. There's like a Blue Cross one that I used to always do. 150 grand a month. Jesus Christ. Jesus. By the way, Whitney, where honestly you gone. That is. That. That does make sense. In America it's $150 a month. Blue Cross, Blue shield. Oh, do you want insurance?

[A]

No, no, I'm going to.

[B]

Can we do a Kickstarter? All of her fans. I know that you love Grace. Can we get like a GoFundMe there's some going. Can we get a Venmo?

[A]

People know how much I made. I should be paying.

[B]

Okay, whatever you made with taxes. No, no, I'll do it with whatever you think she made with taxes and all the money she lost from not touring a New York. Price is. She's broke, okay? She's broke. I know it. She's wearing a denim jumpsuit from a. She dresses like a janitor in a Broadway play. Okay, the Gap, okay? They raised their prices, by the way. The Gap is stepped up. The Gap is really stepped up. The amount of money she spends at Target on every tour date. This woman is a popper.

[A]

This actually is from Target.

[B]

Target's really? I get everything, by the way. Ebay, Target collabs. Thank me later. I still hate this drink.

[A]

She's a perv. I'm sorry.

[B]

Annoying. It's like, watch what happens. Live with.

[A]

Speaking of pervs, if I were to run a background check on you, would I find anything?

[B]

Okay, here's my thing. I am. How would you describe my personality?

[A]

Outgoing. Honest. Eclectic. Oh, is that. No.

[B]

Is that a synonym for, like, unhinged?

[A]

No, no, it's just like, have you.

[B]

Ever seen me be, like, unhinged?

[A]

No.

[B]

Huh.

[A]

I don't think so. Okay. Because I, I, I can get behind the way your brain operates, and it makes sense to me.

[B]

Oh, thank you.

[A]

Like, I know because, like, you're doing like, a thousand things all at once, all at the same time, but handling it all at ease.

[B]

Okay, here's my thing. And, and people may or may not know this about me. When children or animals are being abused, I, I, I go nuclear. It's not like a choice. It's like a I snap. You know, it's very cut and dry for me. So I do travel with a hammer and glass cutter one more time in my vehicle. So I do have a hammer in my car at all times.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

For when I inevitably will run into someone who has left a dog in a car with the windows up.

[A]

Oh, that's fair.

[B]

In LA play, fair happens all the time. I pretty much any parking. If I've got, like, 30 minutes between meetings.

[A]

You're cracking windows and breaking necks, I will.

[B]

You could just go into any parking lot and you'll find it. And it's actually illegal to do, but it wasn't illegal for a while.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So there have been some times that I have, you know, gotten a slap on the wrist for smashing a car window in a Rite Aid parking lot on Gower.

[A]

That's fair.

[B]

Agree.

[A]

I Think that's fair?

[B]

Oh, no. The cop came and was like, yeah, I'm on your side. I mean like Chihuahuas. I'm like, you know, if it. You know what I mean? Like, I don't do it for every dog. You know, I'm like. And. But yeah, the ones who would have made it anyways, so that I have. Have I left a dog park with someone else's dog? Yes, I have. But I. The dog fight stopped and no children were harmed. And the dog got great training and was returned when the owner was ready to be able to control it.

[A]

And that's taking matters into your own hands.

[B]

You know what it is? It's called being America's sweetheart. And it's not easy.

[A]

Thank you for your service.

[B]

So that I did also look again. La. You're here is not a viable place to live. It's on fire a lot. A couple years ago there was a big fire and there was a giraffe. Giraffe in Malibu that was stranded.

[A]

That's the giraffe.

[B]

And I did break and enter, so.

[A]

And that's fair. I saw it on tv.

[B]

Great news. We defunded the police. Fine, I'll just go steal some giraffes.

[A]

That's a citizen's arrest.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, that's.

[A]

That is. That is fair and honest. Yeah. And I did. There was a clip that went out. I don't know when the fires were happening and they were evacuating the horses. I thought of you.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Dubious honor. It is weird when you realize like what you're associated with. You know what I mean?

[A]

Well, because I thought of. I thought of the giraffe story.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

And I was thinking. And then I was thinking of probably. You were probably very frantic trying to help other.

[B]

No, take some water. How's the vaping going?

[A]

I have many vices. I have many vices and I adore each one specifically. So sweetly. All like my own kids.

[B]

So those might get me good. I also, I mean, there are some bills that I love that more just keep popping up. Sorry. I mean, I descend from criminals, but also in this country you have to be a criminal to get anything done or to have any kind of self respect or, you know. So my son does shoplift. That is my son. That's on him.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Also I didn't pay some bills for quite a long time in collections. Sometimes they find you, sometimes they don't. So I do believe there's some. Some issues with maybe a dentist in Philadelphia.

[A]

Them agree they're screwing you Dry regardless.

[B]

Yep, yep. So stuff like that. There's more, but. But.

[A]

Oh, this is a fun one. When you were 27, you had your first special come up. Is that correct?

[B]

I think so.

[A]

I think I did the math and I had to use my fingers. But you were 27, and that's in and around the same age I am right now. And if you were to have a podcast when you were 27, who would you have wanted your co host to be?

[B]

Who would I want my co host to be? Ooh, it's interesting because back then, it, like, had to be a guy and a girl. It had to be.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

So I feel like back then. Then Bridget actually did have a talk show when I was, like, I don't know, 28, 29 with E. And I wanted Bridget Everett to be my talk show co host. They, like, were like, we don't get it. It's like, they don't get.

[A]

No, they would. They wouldn't do two women.

[B]

Nope. And then I hired a guy. Who else? Oh, my God, there's so many. I mean, Chelsea Handler, at the time I was doing. She had a show, but she had, like, a, you know, dwarf. Like, you had to have something that's very different.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. You're. You're a woman, but you need a higher minority.

[B]

Totally. Like, is there anyone in a wheelchair from Syria? Like, it had to be something different. Who knows? So If I was 27 now with.

[A]

One, I was thinking more along the lines of when you were 27. But I do like the idea of it today as well.

[B]

Okay. Back then would have been Steve Irwin. He is an animal trainer from Australia who got impaled in the heart by a eel or something.

[A]

Stingray.

[B]

Stingray.

[A]

Have some respect on his name.

[B]

Okay. He was just relentlessly ridiculous and hilarious. And today would be any Southwest flight attendant.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Any of them. I like that they have a sense of humor.

[A]

They got jokes, and they've seen some. They've seen some, see some, and they know how to handle it.

[B]

I don't know. Ha. Is she back yet?

[A]

No, she's in prison.

[B]

No, no. I will bail her out right now.

[A]

Not on the first episode.

[B]

No.

[A]

I think she's just.

[B]

I am gonna go down there and hire her management team right now.

[A]

Her management team.

[B]

I don't. Here's what I'll say. I don't think she knows about it. Yeah, I don't. I remember I texted her. I was like, hey, congrats on your jewelry line. She's like, I Have a jewelry line like. I don't think she knows.

[A]

Yeah, there's some. There's some bad things going on behind the scenes, I suppose. I. I can't assume.

[B]

Everywhere. Everywhere.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Our phones are made of cobalt mined in Africa. Bye, kids.

[A]

I think decisions are being made on her behalf. I don't know about. Dude, I don't know.

[B]

That is literally the sizzle for her show. I don't know about. Okay, okay.

[A]

So though.

[B]

So. Ah, I'm not great at this. You know what? If I was gonna have a co host today, it would be someone I'm not friends with.

[A]

With. Yeah, that's great.

[B]

How about that? Anyone who's not my friend and you're fired. That I. I just like wild people that say wild stuff that I kind of disagree with because I think that's more interesting to listen to.

[A]

It's good banter and not like, disagree.

[B]

With like, like values wise. Just like bring different perspectives, you know, Bethany. Bethany and I have different perspectives on a lot of things. Leslie Jones.

[A]

Yeah, her.

[B]

On my podcast. She's the most shared guest I've ever had. Because we, like, disagree on everything.

[A]

Oh, no. Share.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, speaking of guests, can you remember who your first guest on your podcast was?

[B]

Dan Levy. Schitt's Creek. What? What's happening? What happened?

[A]

From my research, it was Chris DiStefano.

[B]

You what? On what? Ask Jeeves. On what? Which of the three people on the floor got you these first episode?

[A]

And it was.

[B]

There's also no WI fi in this building.

[A]

So I've been researching.

[B]

How about this? I think we deleted some episodes.

[A]

Oh, that's fun and juicy. Yeah.

[B]

Yep. Deleted some episodes.

[A]

Oh, co. Okay.

[B]

I like that for a couple reasons.

[A]

Okay, good.

[B]

Yeah, I'll be deleting this one. You just wait.

[A]

Yeah, I'm sure you just wait. Unwell's shaking. They're freaking the fuck out. I think that. I think there was just an earthquake. I. I was pretty PC on the. On the previous pod. And I think you also see what.

[B]

Works and see what doesn't work. And then if people don't like something you said in the episode before, you would just address it in the next episode and say, hey, guys. Sorry I said that. I thought it was. My podcast at this point is literally me just defending what I said the week before.

[A]

Hey, guys, welcome back. I'm sorry again.

[B]

That's literally what it is going. I know you're mad about this, but I just double down or try to give a context. Like that's all we're doing. Because, like, also, if you say something now that is, like, not offensive, in two weeks, it's going to be offensive.

[A]

Yeah, no, of course.

[B]

You know what I'm saying? Like, things are going to turn. Like, I. Dude, I did a whole video trashing Justin Baldoni. I dropped the gun. It was kind of more about just like, guys that say they're feminists. You know, there's.

[A]

There is a. There is a sort of play there.

[B]

You know what I mean? So you're going to say stuff that's like, oh, that was true last week, but, like, not this week. So, like, you can't, like, no one wants you to feel. Alter yourself. Like, people coming here want to, like, just hear you.

[A]

Yeah. And I'm learning.

[B]

What does even PC mean? I don't. I don't even know what that means anymore.

[A]

Politically correct.

[B]

But we're not talking about politics.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Politically correct. They have sex in bathroom stalls at the airport. Politically correct.

[A]

Who does? Can I.

[B]

Politicians. Oh, politicians. Like, if it's based on politically correct, like, these are.

[A]

I'm gonna be a politician then.

[B]

You know, it seems like a lot of work. Seems like a lot of Navy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Not a Navy guy.

[A]

I don't know. Yeah, I just. I don't know.

[B]

Yeah, you have to wear underwear and remember it. Travel.

[A]

But I thought that was the whole thing about Commando. You're a commander. I don't know.

[B]

Listen, so, yeah, so, yeah, I, I. If I be honest. Female podcast. It's going to be a woman. But, but female comics are Nikki Glaser and Hannah Burner and all you guys are supposed to all have your own. So Heather McMahon, like, that would be like the dream. Like, kind of what Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee did kind of thing. But everyone's so successful on their own. You got to kind of go like, hm, not now, but whenever.

[A]

Monthly round table.

[B]

I like it. Something to think about. Like Jada Picket Smith's Red Table talk.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Red flag table. We just talk about our bad relationships and how we miss red flags. Yeah.

[A]

I mean, he's back.

[B]

Have we. Oh, did you. You at the Grammys? He said this will be too late.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Can we. Do we talk about your text? The way you text guys that you meet at bars and verbally harass them?

[A]

Oh, yeah, let's just do the notes and do we know.

[B]

Do you guys. Are you aware of her flirting? How she just, like, berates men? I'm into it. I didn't know you were, like, on that dominatrix Shit. But she. A guy had the audacity to say to Grace, I, I mean I'm. I'm as shocked as you are to tell her that for a living. He was an entrepreneur.

[A]

Yeah. I mean that was just out of control.

[B]

And I have never seen. I mean, apoplectic, quite frankly. She was enraged. She could. She. I mean this man. This man. Do we know how he is? Oh no.

[A]

I just saw him recently when I was back in Boston and vibe was completely different. Had a very completely vibe. He was disrespectful to my sister. And I was right about this guy. I was completely right. He's a stinky stinker. He's a real stinker.

[B]

A dud.

[A]

Yeah, he's a. He's a floozy, this one.

[B]

Oh no. I mean, so you were. Your instinct was right. You were mad at him about the wrong. Sometimes I do that. Like somebody like, I'm an entrepreneur. I'm like. And I'm like, I know there's something wrong.

[A]

I just think it's a crazy thing to say. Like, hey, I'm an entrepreneur. Just tell me what you. Entrepreneur.

[B]

As someone. That's if you really are. I'm a comedian. That's an insane thing to say.

[A]

Well, I'm hilarious.

[B]

For a living is a mentally ill thing to tell people.

[A]

That's true too.

[B]

I mean it is so crazy to say like, I'm a comedian. Especially. Especially when they don't know you. Dude, there is nothing like telling people what you do when they have never heard of you. That is the worst part of being a forward facing person. I don't know if you had to deal with this yet. One time I was checking into a hotel in Nan. Not Nantucket. What's the place that. My God. Meghan Trainor's from there.

[A]

Martha's Vineyard. Martha's Vineyard, yes.

[B]

And I'm checking to some like cottage. They don't have hotels. It's like some like I was like bed and breakfast. It's just like a murder.

[A]

Murder.

[B]

Murder in. And so it's like two in the morning and I was checking under a fake name. And if you are meeting some or seeing someone for the first time with a fake name, if you have to explain to someone I'm. I'm so known that I have to use a fake name and you've never heard of me. You seem the most schizophrenic. Like, you seem like you are the craziest person. So this guy, I'm like, I need to check in. He's like, well, where's. You know, I'll just say my face. Where's Wally? Like, where's Wally Brown? And I was like, why did you say that? So I'm like, I'm Wally Brown. He's like, well, where's Wally Brown? Like, what if Wally comes?

[A]

Well, these identifications do not match.

[B]

Yeah, I know. And I gave him my license. He's like, well, who's. And I was like, no, no, I'm that person. He's like, well. And I was like, well, I have, like, security issues because I'm pretty known. And he's like, okay, but is Wally. I know. It's like, is Wally coming? And it just is so degrading. And he's like, well, how do people know you? And I'm like, I'm a comedian. I'm a. Like, it is. There's nothing worse.

[A]

I tell jokes. And so for that I have people.

[B]

Pay me because my personality is so good. I know you are gonna call security in a moment, but, like, I am beloved for how charming I am.

[A]

Let me try to do like a. Like a tight 10 real quick.

[B]

Yeah. I'm like, can you Google. Well, that's even worse because when I change all my hair colors, because, look, weed being legal in California was not a step in the right direction for this guy, okay? I was like, it's natural. It's a plant. You gotta. I like that you're just doing the old school drugs that you know are just chemicals from Mexico and China.

[A]

The good stuff.

[B]

Yeah. Because now it's like, it's a mushroom and it's. You're gonna forgive your ancestors. Yeah. But I'm like, okay, why am I Googling the Scientology ships at 3 in the morning? Like, I don't think this is good. And so I was like, you know, doing edibles during the pandemic, and my hair was a billion different colors for a lot of reasons. But I would, like. I kept losing my license because I'm doing too many edibles. And I would go to tsa and if I'm not alone, and they'd be like. I'd be like, can you Google me? And they'd be like, that's not you. And I'm like, no, I just am crazy. And sometimes I have different hair colors. It's like a nightmare.

[A]

Oh, shit. Wait. Have you ever told the story online and tell me if you don't want to, but you did so many edibles one time that you wanted to start a charity and you put, like, a bunch of celebrities into A. Have you told this story?

[B]

Oh, no, I have not told this story.

[A]

Okay, we don't have to.

[B]

No, I. I'm. You know what? Fine.

[A]

Hey, we. We can draw lines.

[B]

No. Okay, we did. We did. And as long as this plant is not behind me, I think I'm unstoppable. My OCD could not handle that thing. That was, like, too much.

[A]

You didn't like a little poke?

[B]

You can hear a bunch of white women sitting on the floor for no reason. But this is really where I draw the line in terms of distraction. Okay, so. Because. Oh, well, you asked about Ellen. I have an Ellen story that might be funny that involves plan. So you haven't lost parents yet. You know, when you lose parents, you do go a little crazy. I lost both my parents kind of at once. You. A little crazy. And it's just like a software update thing where you're just realize, like, oh, I knew I was alone, but I'm, like, alone alone. You know, there's just, like, kind of this weird. And so I. Kim Congdon, shout out comedian Kim Congdon also. See you in court. Everyone's doing. Everyone's doing, like, mushroom chocolates. Mushroom chocolates. And that's like, the healthy drug.

[A]

Yeah. It weans you off of cocaine. Yeah.

[B]

Does it? I don't even know.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I've heard everyone's saying, like. Because I was, like, taking, like, what? What? To sleep? Something. Melatonin and smoking weed to go to sleep.

[A]

Oh, yeah. That's the drug.

[B]

Because, like, I didn't want to be alone with my own thoughts. Whatever. If you had my thoughts, you'd agree. And so I. They were like, do mushrooms. This will help you, like, forgive and help you, like, go to. You know.

[A]

Know. Ma'am, I know you're about to go into, like, a very, like, deep, honest thing about and your parents had passed away and everything, but you did say you're going to sue Kim?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Well, she doesn't have anything, so I can't right now. I have to wait till she gets rich. I can't put a lien on her apartment in Austin.

[A]

Okay. Yeah.

[B]

Like, what am I going to sew her for? Like, her tube tops? Like, I don't.

[A]

What's going on with Kim?

[B]

No, Kim gave me the mushrooms. Oh, okay. Sorry.

[A]

That's where I lost it.

[B]

That's where I. I'm just, like, fucking throwing lawsuits all over the place. No. So. So I'm doing these roasts, and all the writers are on mushrooms all the time, and they're like, things are so amazing and I forgive everyone and my life is going so well. And I was listening to people's account instead of looking at their behavior. Like after they were three and a half hours late, they'd be like, my life's amazing. And I'm like, you are two hours late and there is a typo in every one of your jokes. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I should probably not let you be your own narrator of how you're doing. And you do have glitter all over your face like it is 2:15 on a Tuesday. Like, I can't. You just bought Coachella tickets from a scalper, like with photos of your asshole. Like, I, I think we're so all this like mushroom chocolate is going around like the Comedy Store people, right? We're healing. We're off antidepressants. I went off birth control at the time and I have what I believe is categorized. I'm not a doctor. As a manic episode. It was a real ride. It was a mind bending thrill ride. So I had smoked a little bit of weed the night before. I went off birth control and Prozac at the same time. Don't recommend it.

[A]

Yeah, that'll zippity zap your brain up, boy.

[B]

And then it's also was New Year's Eve and I was like, you know what? I'm gonna spend this new year writing my resolutions in a journal in my library. There's a bunch of books and it's gonna be me and the books and I am going to like write out my resentments. I'm going to write like 2024 is my year. I think it was 2020, the one before that. And I guess you know how like Adderall, like if you take it, you got to make sure you, you're focused.

[A]

On the thing that you need to do, not the.

[B]

Otherwise you're just knitting all of a sudden for two and a half days. So I didn't pick the thing, I didn't pick the journal. I guess there was a book I zoned in on about like West Virginia. I have family from West Virginia. And you know, I, I do think it's helpful to dig into your ancestral trauma.

[A]

Yes, of course.

[B]

And figure out is not your fault. I did Family constellation, which tells you like the guilt that you carry and like the, you know, epigenetic imprinting and stuff. It's really helpful. It's really fun to be like, oh, none of this is my fault. Yeah, this is my ancestors fault. Oh my God, you guys. I Didn't. Years worth of trauma I didn't do. I'm sorry. My ancestors really owe you guys an apology for my behavior today. I am so sorry. This is really. This is.

[A]

I want to take accountability for them for their behavior.

[B]

They were toxic and, like, I am sorry that I. Their unfinished business was coming through me. But there's a lot of like. Like, I have coal mining ancestry. If you a Scotch Irish, like, that's like a whole thing. So learning about epigenetic imprinting and also, like, when you learn that the water you drank your whole. I drank out of a hose till I was like, 15. I mean, that was not. There was nothing weird about that. I was like, I'm tall. I must be fine. So I'm reading this book about West Virginia. I'm like, you know, I'm just going to dig into my ancestry to make sure that I, like, dissolve any of the toxic behavior. I just want to, like, be reborn.

[A]

You sound so beautifully hippie.

[B]

And I'm reading about, like, the water in West Virginia, and it's been poisoned by Dupont. There's a movie about it starring Anne Hathaway. Get getting it. And I was like, oh, my God, we need to get clean water to West Virginia. That's how I'm gonna fix all this. Oh, yeah, that's. This is the key. People are going crazy. Cause of our poison water. That's what this is. By the way, that might be true. Doesn't really matter. I. When I tell you I put on a text chain, Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Aniston, Bert Kreischer, Bobby Lee, Jennifer Goodwin, Josh Dallas of Once Upon a Time Prince Charming. He did show up at my house about 40 minutes later. Yeah, no, he. What's that? With a pail of water on a white horse. That was not the mushrooms. It is weird when, like, someone. When you're. Something wild happens to you while you're on mushrooms and you're like, I don't know, man. Like, is it real?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, ugh. It's the worst thing to happen to you on mushrooms. I mean, it went far and wide. Kaley Cuoco, Big Bang Theory. Bless your heart. Love you. Thank you for continually checking in on me on a daily basis. Still worried three years later. And it just went on and on. I think Ari Shafir might have been on these texts. I mean, putting Jen Aniston on a text chain with actual criminals. And I was just like, guys, we can do this.

[A]

Should we us the fucking Motley Crue of Hollywood.

[B]

When I tell you it is New Year's eve, it is 10:00 at night. People are count. There is a ball above everyone's head. They are in their finest, finest handkerchief, glitter tops. And I am like, guys, this is it. I'm sending photos. I am sending photos of the books. Here's the map books.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, no, there's books. And then I'm like, the Flint. We can get flint the water they need. I mean, I am on one. And I don't know why it wasn't responded to with a yeah, we should.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Honestly, I still think I'm right.

[A]

Yeah, I. I mean, the worst thing you've ever done on a. On a bender is try to help. Try to help America, you know?

[B]

And my vote. That was tough. That was tough. But I actually think it is weird. This is how messed up the world is, is when you do drugs and do something nice people like, we got to put her in rehab.

[A]

She's talking too much sense.

[B]

If I was like, I got waste and went to a diddy party. They'd be like, oh, good story. Yeah, right? But if I, like, try to help people like, oh, like it is. Is crazy to do something nice.

[A]

Dude, I'm picturing just like ripping your hair. Like, gotta do something.

[B]

Oh, no, I was. I. And then I got. I scheduled a call with a maritime lawyer, cuz I did. I.

[A]

Are we talking like. Like ocean water?

[B]

Ocean waters. Because, you know, there's no law on international waters, which is why sk.

[A]

That's why I love cruises.

[B]

And so I was like, I just would like to know where the Scientology ships are in case I'm in the neighborhood. I will go grab the kids. Yeah, you guys talk about it. I'll be about it.

[A]

The horses and the kids.

[B]

I just. You know what I mean? White woman to the rescue. And. And so, yeah, that. That didn't. You know, I was like. And if anyone knows, had any leads on the side. I know now that it sounds crazy, but at the time, I mean, these Hollywood people with all their fake charities and their money laundering schemes and like, what can I. I'm trying to make change.

[A]

Going to a magical place.

[B]

I'm trying to make change out here on mushrooms rooms.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then Dr. Drew was like, that's called a manic episode. I was like, okay, what do you know, Drew? Yeah. Big fan of your VH1 series. Why does everyone have a show? Can I talk to someone without a show? Is anyone not. Can I go to a doctor that isn't streaming? What? This is for patients. That was too Dr. Phil's. Do I?

[A]

And now I feel like I'm hallucinating.

[B]

Do I? Am I. Do I still have a manic episode off camera? Or is this just for Patreon? Like, what's my diagnosis? This. I'm so confused.

[A]

Play it up. Yeah.

[B]

Like, what are we. Is my. Is my stroke? Brought to you by bluechew yes. That was. That was tough. And also, I am such a weirdo. I do program celebrities names in my phone as other things and then forget.

[A]

Your phone's tricky for you because I have been in many, many Cummings family group chats thinking that I am your cousin Grace Cummings, which is very funny.

[B]

Okay, so I have a cousin Grace. My former assistant and friend Grace Weison is a Grace. And again, this is how I know you were so gifted an improv. So me, Come on. Me and Grace.

[A]

Tell me to myself.

[B]

No. What? No.

[A]

Me improv?

[B]

No. But I don't hate it. I don't hate it. I don't hate it. I just don't respect it. You guys aren't allowed to say that standups aren't funny. That's all. Just know your place. You're guessing. You can go guess.

[A]

Pussies.

[B]

Go guess. If you. I'll guess too, sometimes. But it's not. You're not a man. No. Because I literally, out of nowhere, text Grace. Me and another Grace, we have a chain that is just Anne Hathaway. We just dissect her every move and decision, and we. It's a full time, pretty full time thing. And I send you, like, a deep cut. Like a deep cut, Anne Hathaway, like, video. You were right in.

[A]

Oh, I was. I was like, oh, I am happy.

[B]

To chat it up.

[A]

That was like, when we first met each other, and it was like we hadn't seen each other since the first time we met each other. And I was like, oh, Eddie wants to talk halfway. I'm there, like, absolutely. And I. I think I was at a Knicks game. And I'm like, yeah, no, she's out of Vermont.

[B]

I'm like, look at her dancing in Italy. Like, I was, God, God forbid. You went right in. Which it is. And then I was like, wait, this is not, like, the right Grace.

[A]

This is just somebody who's, like, pretending to know what I'm talking about. Which is exactly what it was. I was like, yeah.

[B]

And then you're just on, like, my family logistical chain.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, I'm coming to Christmas next year. It's like, it's a whole thing.

[B]

I'm sorry. I Do need to. I do need to fix that.

[A]

No, I love it. It's nice to have another sense of family. Because I don't. You know, I'll never be wed.

[B]

I don't know about that. That.

[A]

We'll see.

[B]

I just think. I just think it's. It's white dudes in their 20s. You can't. You can't. Here's the other thing I. So many people I know in their 20s now that are like.

[A]

And this.

[B]

It's. They're. Your men's frontal loes aren't developed. Their brains aren't a brain yet.

[A]

Yeah, that's true.

[B]

They don't have a frontal lobe.

[A]

They take a little bit longer.

[B]

But also, these ones a couple years ago were eating Tide pods, like, for tik Tok challenges.

[A]

No, that's true. At least they're brave.

[B]

But they. They chase Pokemons off cliffs and. And like it. You know what I mean? Rejection shouldn't hurt that bad.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

From the. They have fidget spinners at work.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, they're just a bunch of.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I. It's weird to say date older because that sounds creepy, but I don't mean, like, older, but, like, 30.

[A]

Yeah. I'm down.

[B]

Yeah. Maybe like, just a. Like, having a brain intact.

[A]

I'll get it anywhere I can. I. I mean, I went. I went on Theo's pod, and he was like, oh, so, like, what. What is your dating life like? I'm like, next. I just. I was trying to move on because I was like. He was like, well, that was weird. And he said, ask him what his is. Like, yeah, I. I mean, no, I wouldn't, but he was like, oh. I told him. I said, I've never had a boyfriend. And he reacted. He was like, whoa. And I was like, yes. I don't tell people.

[B]

Are you 25?

[A]

26.

[B]

26. No one who's 26 has ever had a boyfriend. Now, let me be clear. Even if you think you've had one, you didn't have one.

[A]

Really good at making people feel.

[B]

No one's ever had a boyfriend. There's no such thing. It's never happened again. Okay. You're like. You're all Grace. We're all you. I thought I had a boyfriend in high school. I didn't. I thought I had a boyfriend in college. I didn't. I thought these were my boyfriends. They were not my boyfriends. I was being used. It didn't make. It wasn't real. Like, they're not real.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like, People are like, he won't commit. You never had him. He's on bumble. We're video. We're in a video game. You're a video game character and he played you. And now it's time to go to the next character. They're mentally ill. You can't get rejected by someone who's mentally ill. That's not a rejection. When a homeless person is like, doesn't grope you, you're not like, oh, no.

[A]

Like, it's some of us.

[B]

It's a sick person. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't think that your 20s is for a boyfriend.

[A]

You are so good at comforting people, really, truly, that you turn that around in such a beautiful way. And now I feel like I have a level up on everyone who's happily in love.

[B]

Can I tell you, this is like, this was the whole point of Two Broke Girls. Like, when we were making it, we're like, why are we watching shows about girls in their 20s that are like, is he gonna call me back? Who? No, no, no. He hasn't paid his phone bill. You're too good for him. He doesn't make good decisions. If you're a good decision, he's not going to make it because he has 20s. Who cares? Take the compliment and move on. Thank you for not wasting my time when I can be making money. Your twenties is for making money and figuring out who you are. Do you know the concept of I'm yelling. Do you know the concept of Saturn Returns?

[A]

No. Okay.

[B]

Saturn returns. If someone wants to, I don't know, Google it. I don't know what all these computers are doing. I just am loving all these laptops. They're Googling me. They're like, who was Whitney's first guest? It's what Saturn Returns is the concept. Just tell me if I get it wrong. I just don't want to be full of shit. It's when every woman around 27 or 28, everything in their life changes. If you have a job, you leave the job. Or if you have a certain career, you switch your career path. If you're in a relationship, the relationship ends. Am I saying any of this? Right? That idea. So I always say, don't make any big decisions till 27, 28, because that's your Saturn Returns.

[A]

What did you experience around that time?

[B]

I mean, I got a stand up special.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I sort of like, you know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Started like doing what I want to do for real. And sure enough, my relationship had to end because you can't change the power dynamic in a relationship if it was already established. You can't become more successful than your guy when you're already in it, or he'll start to spit in your face during sex and not even really commit to it. Not even really sell it.

[A]

Just a hanging. Like a bring it in, bring it out. Like a yo yo kind of.

[B]

So here's the thing. I'm glad that you have really experienced a lot of intimacy with men before being successful, because now you're not gonna, you know, think it's weird when a man just, like, puts his hand in your mouth for no reason, tries to, like, fish hook you from behind. That's what starts happening when you're successful. They have to degrade you in the bedroom.

[A]

Okay. So that is fun to look forward to.

[B]

Yeah. Like, there's like a. Like, there's maybe a.

[A]

You can put a pig in a dress in it in the bed.

[B]

You start getting choked more, and you're like, yeah, sorry, I made it. My bad. I know. Just don't let them see your house. I remember I went to. There was this guy that I was. I was hanging out with, and this was a professional athlete that I was like, there's no way I can emasculate this. Okay, Whitney, because you're gonna. I mean, curling. There's no. You. You emasculate people just by existing. Like, we do it. We don't even try. We just do by existing. And I didn't really realize that. And I'm trying to make myself small. And, like, I started wearing, like, peasant tops and stuff. And, like. Like, flat peasant tops and tail. Yeah.

[A]

What are peasant tops?

[B]

Went to, you know, aerie and got some pets. It's like. It's like, got lace, and I'm like, who me? Like, I don't have. I'm not famous. I'm not successful. Like, I don't have ambition. Like, I had to kind of. I'm like, should I carry lemons? Like, what do I do to make a guy, like. He's like, how was your day? I'm like, was just on Pinterest. Like, I don't know. I would, like, braid my totally. Like, I didn't know what to do. And so I'm. I'm dating this guy. He's got, like, a studio apartment. Don't care. Fine. And it became very clear that he was, like, insecure about his status and in mine or whatever. And so I would always, like, super dad. Like, oh, it's never going to get picked up. Like, I'M doing the show. Oh, it's never going to. Oh, it's a special, but it's like.

[A]

It'S not comedy stinky.

[B]

Like, no one's going to sit down.

[A]

Just to make them feel better.

[B]

Had to hire a woman. Like, I'm probably just like, you know, I didn't realize at the time, like, don't just leave. But that's what your 20s is for. And. And so I would leave his apartment, get in an Uber. He would see me leave, and I'd take the Uber to my Mercedes G Wagon two blocks away. Day. So he never. So that he never saw my car.

[A]

Wait, dude, I think you've told me this before, but it's still shocking. That is crazy.

[B]

And then one time he was like, in my neighborhood, and he was like, I want to swing by. And I was like, oh, no, he's gonna see my house. I have a house. Which was not like a super fancy house, but it wasn't an apartment. I did own it. I mean, some of it you're doing. Well, the bank owns. Not a problem. He came over, walks in the door. It is like. You know how mostly guys, real men, walk in and they just start hitting walls to feel for studs.

[A]

Let's see if they can punch through.

[B]

That's a real man. Yeah. Yeah. So the guy we have, we have, like, amazing chemistry. When I have my hair in pinktail braids and pretend I'm poor, which, by the way, I just started making money. Like, I just had paid off my dirt.

[A]

On your face. Yeah, Borderline black face.

[B]

I've got like a. Like a stick with a handkerchief on it.

[A]

Follow me like a pitch a tent. That's where I am, the hitchhiker.

[B]

And so he comes to my house and he's in select. He's like, what's the square footage of this? Like? And I'm like. And I'm like, it's, you know, like. But it's not that big. Like, I'm. You know. And then he's like, those Bose speakers, I'm like. And then go to hook up, hand on the neck. I don't know if I'm gonna make it.

[A]

Was that a new one? Was that a movie to ever pull before?

[B]

Nope, never pulled it before. I was always sweet little girl. I was always gentle. Kiss on the forehead, always speed. And then I'm gonna. I needed to pay for that. And, you know, normally when guys choke you, you're like, can you give me a little more because. And then I have to do it.

[A]

Play it Up.

[B]

Yeah, I have to. You know what I'm saying? Like, pick one. Just. And like, do your part of this.

[A]

Yeah. Please. You have to be strong, man. Be strong, man.

[B]

Yeah, but, like, give me something to work with, something to play off. And it was like. It felt real. It felt real. I was like, I don't know. Men in both speakers. But oh, my God, don't have them.

[A]

If he doesn't have surround sound, he has to surround your neighborhood neck with.

[B]

Yeah, but like, why not be like, cool. She has stuff. Wow. Be a pirate about it.

[A]

That's like madness. I've never. I've never heard anything like that thus far.

[B]

Yeah, I have a lot of those.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Quite a bit of those.

[A]

I can't wait to try it.

[B]

But I'm saying skip that. Skip those.

[A]

Yeah, no, that's true.

[B]

Like, all these stories I'm telling you, like, skip them.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, they are. But that's the thing that they're. They're feats in your life, but they are funny stories.

[B]

They're funny stories where. But also, like, get money. Because it does seem like any relationship you're in 27, 28, it ends up going a little like, you change as a person, you know, you just change a lot as a person.

[A]

That is true.

[B]

And I. I'm big on, like, focus on your female friendships.

[A]

Yeah. That's.

[B]

You know, that you'll be with forever. And because your female friendships, they'll know who's good for you. At this point, my friends decide who I date.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm like, I can't trust. I'm not to be trusted.

[A]

That's the only way to leave it up to you.

[B]

Can you decide?

[A]

I'll do crowd work at my shows and people are like, I'm engaged or whatever. And she'll be with her friends and I'll say, mis. Engaged lady girl, you can't talk. This is questions for your friends. Do we like them? And some people hesitate. Oh, yeah.

[B]

Here's what I'll say, though.

[A]

I got a. I got a funky vibe I bring. I think you making everyone. It's honesty night.

[B]

It's. It is tricky. Like, I've had to be nice to, I think, like, deeply bad people.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I think that if you're. You're nice to them, then your friend has the opportunity to see the truth.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Whereas if you're kind of like, eh, Then it's unclear whose fault it is.

[A]

That is really smart.

[B]

Do you know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, if I'm just like, I'M just. I'm fully committing to. This is your choice in a person. I'm just like, all in. But if I'm like, all right, well, why did you. Why did you show up late on her birthday? If I used to be that person, like, I would fight with someone that I love. Sky to be like, you're hurting my friend. But then she's like, well, you started it. I'm like, I didn't start it. He was like. And it turns into like a, you two don't get along. Instead of, I'm trying to protect you from this guy, but maybe I shouldn't protect you. Maybe the best thing I can do is let you learn the lesson yourself and see the truth of who he is.

[A]

Because that's a great way to go about it. And this is growing up.

[B]

And when people are in toxic relationships, like, having been in a granopy, it's like. It's like some. You're recreating some childhood thing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That you have to address.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, you know what I mean? You have to.

[A]

You have to figure it out for yourself. Nobody can.

[B]

Like, like, you have to drink a lot of whiskey and make a lot of mistakes. You're like, whiskey's not for me. No one can say, like, don't drink whiskey. This is not a good look on.

[A]

You have to drink whiskey now.

[B]

You have to give your kid to someone at a casino for $4 and, like, this. You have to, like, hit that bottom. And it's so hard to protect someone from their own rock bottom.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Especially with social media stuff.

[A]

Totally.

[B]

Do you tell your friend, like, oh, cringe if I post something? Super cringe. Would you tell me, if you ask, have I post something? Cringe.

[A]

No.

[B]

Why'd you look over there?

[A]

What? I'm a bad liar. I mean, it's impossible for somebody to not post something. Cringe. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone very well navigated.

[A]

But, like, everything I post because I. I started to think about myself when you asked that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because everything I post, I hate it right after I post it.

[B]

But. Yeah. It's not for you, though.

[A]

Yeah. I think I look over here because we were downloading my. My Tiktoks when the Tick Tock was going away. The TikTok, you know, the kids. And they're on the.

[B]

They're on the TikTok.

[A]

But I was. We were downloading them, and Nora would show me some. She's like, dude, what were you doing?

[B]

But, like, you know, I think it's like we're our own worst Critic, too. And, like, people will tell us, like, they'll give us feedback. There's times I'll like, puts. I'll like, float something out there. Like with this Justin Bell, whatever. This whole Blake Lively thing, which I don't know where it is.

[A]

I don't even know where I fall with that.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

I don't know. I haven't done the, the back and forth research.

[B]

It is such a daily set of changes. It's tricky. But I like any good, like, sort of. These are perform Johnny Depp. Amber Heard your reaction. Always says more about you than the ca. It's just one big Rorschach test.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, that's kind of what I love about all this. Like, remember when Tiger woods that this was the first time I noticed it. Maybe because I was just old enough when Tiger woods cheated on his wife. That was like a huge thing.

[A]

Oh, it changed everything for me. I thought Tiger woods murdered someone. Someone. I, I, that was my perception. I was like, he lost Wheaties. He murdered. I, I thought we had another OJ Simpson on our case. And I. It didn't have anything to do with what, what he looked like.

[B]

But when I tell you, I know many people that broke up over it because guys were like, yeah, he's a professional athlete. What do you expect? It's like, wait, that's your takeaway? Like, people's takeaway from this?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is kind of what's tricky. I see a lot of blondes being like, yeah, she's an actress. What do you expect? And you're like, you think it's okay to act like that just because you're blonde and pretty?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? Mean. Or like, people go like, well, he's like a feminist. Obviously, he's a creep. And it's like, that's what you do.

[A]

You can't see that he's playing the feminist card on some of these things.

[B]

It's like, but it's weird because I, I think he's actually genuine about it.

[A]

And see, I don't know.

[B]

I can't. We don't know yet. But, but when someone says, like, he's using the feminist thing to get laid, it's like, that's what you would do.

[A]

No, that's what you would do. Oh, yeah. No, I resonate. Don't you think people are admitting their truth?

[B]

Don't we all tell on ourselves with what we accuse other people of?

[A]

1000% you.

[B]

Whenever someone accuses me of something, I'm like, that's so interesting.

[A]

Like, I never thought that about myself ever. Where did you.

[B]

You just did that thing and it's.

[A]

It'S, it's reading more.

[B]

Trudy, Whenever a guy thinks you're cheating, they're. I'm like, what? Like, let me see your phone. Why are you looking at your phone? I'm like, what?

[A]

Why are you on alert?

[B]

Like, your phone.

[A]

That's fair. Yeah.

[B]

That you're doing it. If you. If that. Why did that even cross your mind? You know? So I think it's like I just get obsessed with, like, what comes up for me, like when I make a snap judgment on it.

[A]

Yeah, no, that's true.

[B]

You know, it's kind of interesting.

[A]

You're very in touch. You're very in touch with your. With your feelings and intellectual thoughts.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't know about that.

[A]

I think you're very self aware.

[B]

I think knowing that you're probably always wrong about everything is. That's my approach.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

My approach is going like, how would I know? You can't simultaneously go, nothing we read is true. All the news is fake. And then be like, well, I'm right. It's like, well, how would you.

[A]

Like what? And what's your source?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Like, but nothing's true.

[A]

Like telling me up here.

[B]

Yeah. So I think also, like, once you've like, lived long enough and you guys are already in this, like, post, like, true society where I grew up, I learned in school that the Native Americans and the Pilgrims had a fun dinner. They, like, they had a fun day. They had corn and they share. They dressed up and wore buckles on their hats.

[A]

I grew up around there. That's what. What I thought.

[B]

I don't think that's what went down.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

I don't think that's how it went down.

[A]

Quite the opposite, if you will.

[B]

All those murals in our lunchrooms of them just. Yeah. There were some shady blankets.

[A]

Do you know how close I live to that rock?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. You've got ancestral ghosts all over you, dude.

[A]

They have the. They have this. They. They've now changed the name. It used to be called Plymouth Plantation. I think it's now. Yeah, no, terrible. Now it's called Plymouth something or other.

[B]

And Equality Act.

[A]

It's. It's the Equality center, something along those lines.

[B]

But Nature preserve, you would go there.

[A]

And they would do these reenactments, kind of like Shane Gillis's bid about going to like a reenactment place. And they'd be like, what is this you have for taking a still Image for which you'll see forever captured in.

[B]

A moment of time.

[A]

And it was just. We went every year and my sister chokes out a chance chicken once.

[B]

Which sister?

[A]

The. The youngest. Yeah, the 11 year old, too.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no. Molly, stop.

[B]

So happy to be wrong.

[A]

She's starving.

[B]

The number one way to find out if someone is a psychopath is if they killed animals as a child. I didn't do the research. Yeah, it's pretty well known, you know, it's out there.

[A]

I think. I think.

[B]

Well, I think you want one in the family.

[A]

I. I. Loyal to the people I love. I think she was trying to give it a hug.

[B]

I don't.

[A]

And this is where we can disagree. And I like that.

[B]

Okay, look. Stockholm syndrome is real. You've been through it a lot.

[A]

No, she's a sweet young girl. It'll break her heart.

[B]

It takes a while to kill her. I mean, that you. That's a. That's a. That's. You know, I had on.

[A]

On the subject of paranoid. I don't.

[B]

I'm seeing the way you two are looking at each other, covering up this family secret, and I frankly want out.

[A]

I'm. I come from Boston. Irish. And of course, there's some ties to white apes.

[B]

No, I'm aware. You used to live in Santa Monica by the Lululemon and used to hang out. Yep. Used to kick it on the Santa Monica Promenade. That's my favorite thing about, like, just. I. Oh, my God. I'm obsessed with Whitey Bolger. Am I saying it right? Some people tell me that I'm obsessed with him. Saw the movie Black Mass at the Venice Film Festival behind Amber Hearn was watching her and Johnny Depp fight the whole time. Amazing. And I was obsessed with it. I am so obsessed with someone like that. So he literally was just like, I'm gonna go to Santa Monica.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't. If you don't know what Santa Monica Promenade, it's like Narnia for teenagers. It's like Lululemon Bath and Body Works.

[A]

The fair's in town and we're all gonna go kind of.

[B]

And there's just all these, like, teenage influencers and, like, Whitey.

[A]

Yeah, Dude.

[B]

And by the way, I think he's reformed.

[A]

If you.

[B]

You could kill someone easily and don't do it at the Santa Monica Promenade, you've changed.

[A]

That's good.

[B]

I mean, I want to snap next when I go to Santa Monica Promenade, like Abercrombie. I'm like, can I kill the person that made the cologne come all the way out to the sidewalk. Why am I. Why have a migraine? What else are on these cards?

[A]

Let's see. My apologies. We have this.

[B]

So do you want it to be 100 degrees? Is this part of it?

[A]

I want you to sweat so much that you end up sharing secrets.

[B]

Good.

[A]

Yeah. This is a segment called in the Green Room. I don't think I'm gonna do it with you. It's silly. I saw that you did that. You said on your story the other day that you bring your puppy dog. That's what's on your rider. But what is actually on your rider? Cause I know, and it's from 2000.

[B]

Here's what I'll say. All you listening? Any opportunity you have to steal from the man, do it. Okay. When I first started doing standup, when I would tour, they would say, what do you want in your green room? And I was poor and didn't have anything, so I would just grow grocery shop. I would be like. I would say, like toothbrush, toothpaste, phone charger. Like, I would just put in things that I could pack in my bag and take home with me so that I never had to, you know, go to the grocery store, pay for that kind of stuff. So I still have a lot of that on there.

[A]

Well, no, no, really, all you have now is rice cakes.

[B]

Yeah, that's.

[A]

And bobby pins.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

That's really.

[B]

Yeah, that's back from when I had eating disorders. They still have them. I've tried to get that out. I've tried to get. I just had one feel bond. One mullet in the back, like one rat tail. That was it. And that's how I bring my dog. I take the hair and I just pin it on my own head to look like I actually am not bald. But yeah, the bobby pins are. You know, before you go on stage, your hair is always wet. What are you gonna do? I'm. You need a blow dryer. Like, you know, I have these little baby hairs in the back that drive me nuts. And I get self destructive every now and then and get bangs. So I'll have to pin my bangs back. So the bobby pins. Sharpies.

[A]

Oh, sharpies.

[B]

It's kind of simple stuff because I also don't. You've seen it. I don't like when people fuss.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't like when people. Their job is to like, do you have your. And I'm like, who was here last weekend?

[A]

No.

[B]

Name them. Name them, name them, name, name them, name them. Why do You. Why are you out? Like, when someone is like, the rice cakes get here, and I'm like, who did this to you, dude?

[A]

That's what I'm saying. I. I like, everywhere I've been thus far, they're like, you have been a pleasure. Thank you so much.

[B]

I said, please and thank you.

[A]

How the fuck have I done that? Has made me like, what's going on out there? And saint in your eyes.

[B]

Name them.

[A]

I've just been a person.

[B]

Yeah. That's the other thing I noticed about you. You're like. You are, like, nice through and through.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that doesn't. The kind of nice you are doesn't change.

[A]

I've said to you, I'm like, that'll probably fuck me over. And then you're like, well, no, really, in the long run, it's. It's better off because you'll get fucked over for being nice. But then I'd rather be the person.

[B]

I'd rather be the person that gets.

[A]

Fucked over me every time.

[B]

I'd rather be the person. I'd rather be the person that gets fucked over than the person fucking over.

[A]

There's. There's a fine line from being a pushover and being confident, because if you're confident, you're a bitch, and if you're a pushover, you're a pussy. So there's like a fine line that I'm trying to not cross of. I am becoming a little more confident in myself and I just. I would never want to be a bitch because, like, if you're confident, it comes across bitchy sometimes.

[B]

Let me ask you, though, when you saw us on tour and I was telling people what I needed, did I.

[A]

That was. Dude, that was like, the coolest thing to watch is like, you're. You're assertive, fair, and so nice while.

[B]

Doing it fair is the key.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And also, like, doing it with respect. Like, I think there's a way to be incredibly. People want someone to be in charge.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's what they want.

[A]

And you know exactly what to do.

[B]

You're a bitch. When it's. Well, it's going to be this way. Well, why isn't it this way? Do you even know what you want? That's when people are like. When you're just like, like this. Like this. Really appreciate it. Thank you so much. Much like people, like, thank you for telling me what to do so I.

[A]

Can just go home, completely command a room with like. Like, while respecting everyone. And it was like, I. That was like, one thing. I, like, ran and, like, told my sister. I was like, whitney's so cool.

[B]

That's so. But there's a way to do it, which is why I'm not disagreeing with you on this, because there. I'm sure plenty of people think I'm a. But, like, I think a lot of people who are bad people hide behind that. They go, if you're confident, you're a. I'm like, no, that's not what just happened.

[A]

No. Yeah.

[B]

You were just rude and disrespectful.

[A]

And there was some of that, too. Like, where the. The. Some of the places. Places wouldn't give you the same respect back. And it's like, well, why. Why are we doing this?

[B]

Totally. And you saw me have a couple things. And then I went and I apologized, and I was just like, you know what? I'm sorry. I think there was a misunderstanding. This person is getting paid a lot less than me and has had 50 people, you know, on ketamine be crazy to him recently. And who knows what's going on in his life. I would rather walk away just being the bigger person.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because I'll feel better, even though they.

[A]

Would be a dickheads. And I don't think you have to.

[B]

But it was also, like. You know what I mean? It was also like, put yourself in the issues. And it's interesting you say that, because it's like, I've spent my whole life fighting with this, going, like, if I'm nice, am I just gonna get hurt all the time? And the answer might be yes, fine. But I think it's just. It's a matter of, like, I think what you said is being fair. Like, I just want to be able to live with myself, but I always want to be fair. And a lot of times that means calling yourself out for being too nice or giving someone the impression they could talk to you like that. I'm like, what did I do to make this person think they could talk to me like that? Oh, yeah. I let them be late four times, and I never said anything like, of course they're to be late. I don't get to be like, we call it an exploding doormat. I don't get to be like, why are you always late? It's like, well, because you always let me be late.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

We always assume if I'm just nice enough, you'll do the right thing eventually. And it just enables what they're already doing.

[A]

Expect from others what you expect from yourself, and it's not always the thing. Yeah.

[B]

And also Just going like, oh, no. There's a point where you just go like, I don't even need to fight for this. You should be you.

[A]

Yeah, you.

[B]

I don't want to change. I don't want you to change for me. Why would you change for me?

[A]

Yeah, you're just going to be. You're going to be like this regardless.

[B]

You're just going to be pretending someone you're not for me. And then you're going to be resentful and, like, who wants to act in their friendships? So I'm always like, you're this person, I'm this person. Let's just do different things.

[A]

That's cool. Yeah.

[B]

And I can, like, appreciate you from afar. I'm on time. You're late. You're that person. Be that person.

[A]

Stop pointing at me. I'm not late.

[B]

I'm thinking. You're not. You're actually not. But you know what I mean? I've stopped.

[A]

I might have wet hair, but I'm right on time.

[B]

Yeah. Always psychotically. I just mean. You know what I'm saying? I'm stopping. This person's always late. It's like what they're saying is, my time's more valuable than yours. Like, are they even thinking about you? No, they're just like, I'm me and I'm on my own TV show. And you're like, good for you. Whatever's making you late, if that's working for you in your life, do that.

[A]

That's gonna be a thing. We're not gonna.

[B]

I wish I was the kind of person who could show up late. I'll have a heart attack if I'm two minutes late. Yeah, it's just like, about finding your people.

[A]

Yeah, that's true.

[B]

That's kind of what I like about cancel culture. No one talk. You find your people faster.

[A]

Yeah, totally.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah. Especially, like, the racist. They'd be like, oh, got him, got him, got him. He's on our team now. Thank God.

[B]

Have you felt that? A little bit. Because I do feel like when you were going through a lot of this stuff, you were working, worried about, you know, being direct and clear and standing up for yourself.

[A]

And, you know, there's a line sometimes where it's. You want to stand up for yourself, but it'll just make things worse. And then sometimes it is, like, just.

[B]

But, yeah, I think say the same.

[A]

Thing that's on your mind, but just in a nicer way.

[B]

I do think it's important to. Sometimes when you're Like, I need to stand up for myself. The answer isn't to stand up for yourself. It's to remove yourself from the situation.

[A]

And that's.

[B]

Yeah, if I have to stand up for myself at all, I just shouldn't be here.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? Like, why am I even in. Yeah. When people like, I need to set a boundary. I need to set a boundary. I'm like, no, the boundary is for you. That you don't go there again.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

You know, like, if I just had a boundary with this guy, I'm like, no, no, the boundaries. You don't.

[A]

It's. It's actually a removal. It's not a boundary.

[B]

That's it. It's a removal. You. If. Usually if you need to set a boundary with someone, they're not going to accept the boundary because they would have done it already. If they had good judgment and respected you, they would have already done that.

[A]

Yeah. You can't. Yeah. You just gotta say toodaloo. Peace. I have these segments and time. Time is of essence and you are the queen of roasting. Oh, I know.

[B]

I'm not roasting you.

[A]

I'm gonna make you. Roasting you in on that.

[B]

I'm not roasting you. No, no, no, it's not gonna happen.

[A]

You're gonna have two minutes on the clock.

[B]

No, we're not doing this.

[A]

Nope.

[B]

I'm calling the police.

[A]

I'm sorry, my big fat fingers.

[B]

What is that?

[A]

A few people. I would like you to roast in a matter of two minutes. And if we get my.

[B]

Isn't this Nikki Glazers episode? This is. I'm. I'm going to save this for Nikki. I'm going to give this over to her.

[A]

What if you saw the first one.

[B]

Gay. I like Andy Cohen. You know what? Figure to roast. I'm going to do a toast. He did not cut me off. He did not. He let me keep going on New Year's Eve and say some crazy stuff. I am an Andy Cohen defender. Love him. Fan. Not roasting Jeff Ross. I love. I hate this game. These are like my friends.

[A]

And we'll hear more about this in the group chat.

[B]

And Hathaway, I. I am. I'm. This is a mind bending thrill ride. Anne Hathaway is just a emotional roller coaster. I cannot. I need ring camera footage. That's my next. I will. I will subpoena and I believe I have a case to subpoena her ring camera footage in her home. I need. I need some off camera Ann to figure. I need to Crack her. Do you have questions?

[A]

No. I'll be in the multiple Graces in your life group chat and we'll discuss.

[B]

I just. Anne Hathaway. Why am I so fascinated by her? Is no one else.

[A]

No, no, no. As soon as I saw the way she deals with paparazzi, I had questions. Well, she. You have to remember, she played a princess twice, and there's a bunch of diaries about it.

[B]

I'm fascinated by her. She's also. She's a show. I'm jealous. I said it. See, I got it. You know what? This podcast, people. You're getting to the root of things, Grace. I haven't admitted that, not even to myself. I am jealous of an Hathaway.

[A]

There you have it, folks.

[B]

Whitney Cummings, everyone. When we. That's it, though. When you have some kind of. Of, like, fixation, you're jealous.

[A]

Yeah, obviously, she's.

[B]

I can't. I wish I could do that. When they come up and sign, I'm like, you've seen it. I wish I was like, I would. I would. I want to be her.

[A]

Yeah, absolutely.

[B]

She's my hero, and damn it, thank.

[A]

You so much for admitting that.

[B]

I, by the way, thank you for making me feel so safe that I could. Because also, I don't like how she was kind of canceled for being a try hard. Remember she won an Oscar or something and she, like, she was too happy. And we were like, no, you need to be lecturing us about Native American rights or you need to be taught. You know what I mean?

[A]

I'm so sick of when. When women are doing well, we're putting them down.

[B]

Brunettes especially, you know, hard it was for her to make it in this business as a brunette princess. That never happened. That's. That was back in the day. That was called diversity.

[A]

But, like, I am here a diversity hire for being redheaded.

[B]

But, like, she was, like, very excited to win, and people were like. People were just like, remember? People just started going like, yeah, she's too happy. We like our celebrity millionaires to be like, my life is hard, and I have Jennifer Lopez being like, I need an extra minute on the Super Bowl. I lost a minute on the Super Bowl.

[A]

Just so you got a visual.

[B]

Can I tell you something?

[A]

That's a source if I ever saw one. And I just. I just sent in a tape to be in her movie. So I should.

[B]

Okay, look, a tape. A tape.

[A]

It's the 70s, baby. I was naked.

[B]

I am so obsessed with Jennifer Lopez. And the reason I'm obsessed with her is I'M just one. She has it all. Am I wrong?

[A]

I mean, she doesn't have Ben anymore. That's kind of my fake win.

[B]

Did she ever have him? Wow. Do you ever have a man from Boston? Do you ever really have them?

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Take your time.

[A]

And that's years worth of family distress.

[B]

Take your time on this one.

[A]

Wow. Wow.

[B]

I don't know, man.

[A]

That's hard hitting. Truth.

[B]

I haven't. I haven't. You guys weren't really around for the first time they were together.

[A]

My parents.

[B]

No.

[A]

I'm sorry, I'm. I'm. I'm having narcissistic tendencies.

[B]

No, I get why your little sister has to choke animals to laugh too. Nice.

[A]

No, no, no, no.

[B]

I don't. I don't even know what happened. The first. Their first relationship. You shut up.

[A]

That was good.

[B]

Shut up. I know. I thought. I thought it didn't go well.

[A]

No, no.

[B]

You saw me have to regroup.

[A]

I was like, well, we laugh like witches. Somebody told us that once.

[B]

Oh, God. Laughing is like a whole. You guys are like doing a kegel together. Like, it's a whole. You're like. They're the same exact people.

[A]

Crazy.

[B]

Like, I'm like. And so the first time they were together, he was in her music video. He, like, went. It was. It was.

[A]

And this time he produced the documentary that got her canceled. And there you have it, kids. There you have it.

[B]

Dude, that is the most. That is the most. That is today's Whitey Bulger.

[A]

That's ball strong.

[B]

If Whitey Bulger was around today, that's what he would do.

[A]

It's my manipulation.

[B]

I don't even need to kill you.

[A]

That's good.

[B]

I'm just gonna make a documentary that makes you look so bad. That's great that you're. You're. You know what? I want you to go on tour and no one to be in the audience.

[A]

Oh, that's so classic.

[B]

I'm gonna do worse than kill you.

[A]

I love you, Ben.

[B]

I'm gonna have you put on a sequin thong that goes into your butthole and go dance for an empty stadium. I don't. Killing you would be too fun. It's like, too easy.

[A]

Do that thing that really pissed me off earlier. Oh, you're from the Bronx.

[B]

Yeah. Dude, honestly, that was like a big part of me being like, I need to stay sober. What if I get back together with someone from, like 10 years ago? Like, it happens.

[A]

Well, yeah, I can do it. And. And they're. They're out for revenge. As it seems.

[B]

So is there ever a time where we are not going to parties and posting on Instagram at our exes? Even if you're Jennifer Lopez?

[A]

Yeah. You really just don't grow out of that. That's just called being a human.

[B]

Do you know what I mean?

[A]

No.

[B]

I mean, Hustlers was amazing. I'm like, whose heart is she trying to break with this? Like, you know, it's like, when you're that successful, have that much money. If I'm not in, I don't know, Belize, I don't know if I'm not in Italy with a bunch of horses and dogs. Okay, so what else do your viewers need to know in your first episode? Like, how are you feeling?

[A]

I think they need to know your tour dates. Okay, this is me veering off.

[B]

If you guys don't know how to find my tour dates, please don't come to the show. That's my thing is when people like Whitney Cummings dot com. I'm like, if you can't figure that out, please don't come to the show. Please, Like, I'm begging you to not attend.

[A]

True.

[B]

You know what to do by now. You know what to do.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Everyone knows what to do.

[A]

It's in the name.

[B]

You know where to find me. You know where to find me. Hey, guys.

[A]

You love that. Hey, guys. Lincoln bio.

[B]

I do not say that.

[A]

No, you. You hate it.

[B]

Okay. God, you hate.

[A]

Hey, guys.

[B]

I can't promote shows. I won't do it. It's too embarrassing.

[A]

What's up, fellas?

[B]

Like, subscribe. Smash the like button. Like, yeah, I would love for you guys to come to shows if you want to. There is a website that has tickets. Like, and if you want to come, great. And if you don't, I'll serve. I'll make it. No, I'll be okay.

[A]

I'm telling you right now, this hour is absolutely hilarious. I watched it every single time. I was. I was with you and I laughed every single time.

[B]

You know, it's funny. I love back. Do you get back into compliments yet when you come off stage? Stage? What is it like when you've been doing hobby long enough, you'll accumulate these backhanded compliments.

[A]

I can't believe you were funny. You're a lot funnier than you were on Tik Tok. I. I had really low expectations because I didn't think you could be a comedian. It's. It's worse because the expectations so low. Because I'm a tick. I'm moving from Tik Tok to comedy.

[B]

That is so wild. I get a lot of like, I liked it. You're too smart. Even my husband. Hey, hey, hey. You're too smart for them. You are too weird. Crap out the. Like, I thought it went fine. You are such a good writer. What? But you one time did one that was. You didn't mean it. No, it's good. It's good. It's good. It's actually good because I'm not self aware about this. You were like, you know what I love about you doing.

[A]

Oh, fuck, dude, I already hate it. I've learned so much in the matter of a year that it's crazy. Like, I wouldn't say anything like that.

[B]

I love that you, like, you'll like, offend them, then you'll get them back and then you'll lose them and then you'll get them back and like, everyone's offended at some point, but you get them all back. Back. I was like, I think I just meant I was like, I still kind.

[A]

Of stand by that. And. And this is me being honest with you.

[B]

I'm glad that I do that.

[A]

I.

[B]

It is a compliment.

[A]

There's. Everyone has a side.

[B]

Yeah. It says more about that, I think.

[A]

I think I. I mean, more like if I were to say it in like real words, like, and we weren't going to talk about this, but one with it, like politically.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Like, people think you're veering one way and then you veer the other.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But then you come back to that side of politics or this side of politics. And I think politically, I think that's where you're well rounded. I. That's what I meant.

[B]

I didn't even know I was doing it.

[A]

That's what I meant though.

[B]

No, but I appreciate you saying it to me because I didn't realize I was even. I just was like, this is just what I think at the moment. Like, I didn't realize. And then people will go like, I love that you don't pick a side. Like, you make fun of both sides.

[A]

I was like, oh, that's an easier.

[B]

Way to say it. But Jesus fucking. No, but it's good. But I was, I was just kind of like, hold on. Do I lose them? Like, am I. But no, I needed to hear that because then I was like, oh, I guess I am doing that because I'm. I surround myself with people that make fun of everyone and criticize both sides. So, like going out into the world and going like, oh, whoa. Some Half the people in this room might not think that way. Like, it made me be more aware of that and Course correct.

[A]

So, like, I can't believe I. I gave you any kind of a critique.

[B]

I'm totally joking. No, but by the way, that is the best compliment.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like Bill Burr. I used to watch Bill Burr and when he was, like, getting so famous that anything he said on stage would kill, and it was driving him nuts, like. Cause he just would be like, hey, sorry, I'm late. And people would laugh and he'd be like. It was like a very new thing, you know? And he always wants to get better. So what he would do is he would go out on stage in the Belly Room at the Comedy Store, and he would say something super polarizing, like, bad. Like, don't say that. And then just alienate everybody so that he could dig himself out of a hole.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Do you know what I mean? Cause he'd be like, look, the Kanye thing. Look, black people and white people are different. Let's be honest. And then it would everyone be like. And he'd be like, okay. And then he was back to a fair room where he had to prove him, like, get better.

[A]

I love that. I didn't know that about him.

[B]

Yeah. So that's always my thing, the idea if you can lose someone and then get them back, that's so much better than having them the whole time.

[A]

Yeah. And it's. It's also like, just like the. The way you go about, like, storytelling, too. It's like everyone's locked in, and they're like, yeah, I agree. And then they're like, whoa, where'd she go with that? And like, oh, she's back.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I like people to not know, like, am I getting a refund or am I. I about to make some money back tonight at the box office?

[A]

Am I going to go take a picture with her even though I have a different colored hair?

[B]

Yeah. Like, I like, I, I, yeah. I like tension on stage. And I like to kind of go like, oh. Like, I don't even know how this is gonna go.

[A]

One of the greatest.

[B]

I love you.

[A]

And I. I see. I don't know how to be sentimental because everything, it's. It's an Irish thing. I can't say exactly how I feel.

[B]

You got me a cowboy hat with the tour emblazone on it.

[A]

That's how I can show gratitude.

[B]

That's how I do it, too. I can't really. I did also, for your Christmas present, get you a custom candle that said Boston on It.

[A]

That's so sweet.

[B]

I did use it. So I get the gift and just keep it. And. But. But, like, gifts are my love language too. Because also, when I'm trying to be sincere seer, I feel like I'm being sarcastic or like or I just can't.

[A]

Find the right words.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't know what it is. Well, I do know what it is. It's guilt and trauma of all sorts. But.

[B]

But also, you like our. I love that. Our dynamic. Like, I was calling you for advice recently, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I was like, help. And you came in hard.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then afterwards, it's like, oh, thank you so much. And she just went, no, this is just friendship.

[A]

And that's what you used to say to me. You notice that? Whoa, full circle right there. And we are at an even playing field. Whoa.

[B]

I forgot I did that.

[A]

Female friendships are beautiful. For today, we're going to close it out with. What is your walkout song?

[B]

I try to do a new walkout song on every show. It was Humble by Kendrick. I don't remember what it was. This. Oh, no. I think it was Taylor Swift.

[A]

Shit.

[B]

I don't know. I change it. I do change it for every city, like, every now and then. Is this gonna be a question for everyone?

[A]

I just thought it would be, like, a good question to end it, because it's like a walkout and you walk out. And then I thought I could put it in, but there's copyright issues. And then I was like, I'll make a playlist of everyone's walkout songs.

[B]

But also not everyone's. To be a comic necessarily, trying. But what about, like. Like, do you guys remember? I don't really, but there's a thing. Bob Barker, he did put the prices right, and it was like a game show.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And at the end of every show, he would say, thank you, Good night. This has been the Price is Right and spay and neuter your pets. He said that after every episode and spaying and neutering became, like, a thing. It was a whole. He, like, raised aware, and I remember seeing it, hearing about it, and we got a pet, and I was like, dad, we need to neuter the pet. Like, I like. He, like, put it in the zeitgeist, you know, so having something. And at the end of my podcast, I would say, don't ride elephants.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Because I wrote an elephant in Thailand and then realized how bad it was. And I feel so guilty that I want to, like, undo the damage I did, because it's always abuse to ride elephants. Always, always, always, always. And they're so smart. And it was like, break my heart. So I say at the end of every one of my shows, don't ride elephants. But, like, could you do either something that you like saying or be a business bitch and. And like, merch it up like on just like a thing at the end every time.

[A]

You are so smart and this is really important and everything is lying on this.

[B]

No, it's not. So like, anything you could do, like, every episode, like a quote this week that touched you or like a thing you thought was funny or That's a goal you have.

[A]

I do. Okay. I have two half of phrases that I'll combine to make a sentence remix. All right, Whitney, thank you so much for coming on. Hey, guys, this is Grace O'Malley signing off. Have a day. Much love.

[B]

I like this. Have a day. Much love.