Lucas Zelnick: Corporate Strategy & Clickbait Cuckery

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Disgraceful with Grace O'Malley

Episode: Lucas Zelnick: Corporate Strategy & Clickbait Cuckery
Host: Grace O’Malley (with Nora O’Malley)
Guest: Lucas Zelnick
Date: February 5, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode of DisGRACEful sees comedian Grace O’Malley joined by up-and-coming comic Lucas Zelnick as he auditions for the coveted co-host seat. The duo dives into topics from the awkward world of comedy crowds and internet criticism to their takes on corporate America, social media, and personal mishaps. With plenty of playfully self-deprecating banter and candid reflections, Lucas and Grace dissect what it means to rise quickly in comedy, handle hecklers, be a “clickbait beta cuck,” and learn to make peace with public perception.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Audience Demographics & Social Media Following

Timestamps: [00:50]–[01:07], [10:35]–[10:53]

• Grace and Lucas immediately riff on audience gender splits, noting that Lucas has a significant female following on TikTok (“It’s very female...which I love.” – Lucas, [00:59]).
• The conversation transitions into audience recognition: while Lucas notices enthusiasm from young women, many fans don’t know his name, just seeing him as “that comic.”

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2. Comedy, Identity, and the “Teen Magnet” Label

Timestamps: [01:26]–[02:13]

• Grace teases Lucas about being a “teen heartthrob” and “teen magnet,” sparking a playful dialogue about perceptions vs. reality and how comics are branded online.

  “I guess I’m a teen magnet.” – Lucas, [01:43]

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3. Football, Community, and American Identity

Timestamps: [03:05]–[04:54]

• Both comics discuss getting into football as a way to feel connected, especially while touring in cities where sports serve as a core source of local identity and belonging.

  “If they don’t have the Colts, they have to kill themselves.” – Lucas, on Indianapolis, [03:39]

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4. Politics, “Ice” Activism, and Clickbait Cuckery

Timestamps: [07:07]–[10:13]

• The duo highlights their struggles with discussing political issues online (specifically ICE and Gaza), and the backlash that follows any form of activism or commentary.

  “You post a modizer, you’re a clickbait beta cuck.” – Grace, relaying DMs she and Lucas have received, [08:54]

• Lucas reflects on posting about social issues and receiving dozens of critical DMs, especially from “red collar moms.”

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5. Community-Sourced “Fuck Up” Stories

Timestamps: [11:02]–[14:12]

• Grace shares listener submissions about professional and personal mishaps, prompting candid confessions from both.
• The “Ralph” story (about drunkenly missing a flight and being nicknamed at work), triggers laughs and commiseration about work trips gone wrong.

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6. Lucas’s Corporate Past and Comedy Transition

Timestamps: [14:13]–[15:13]

• Lucas talks about his previous job in corporate strategy:

  “It was a lot of like, how can we think broadly about the landscape? And then I would just make PowerPoints and say stuff with confidence.” – Lucas, [14:26]

• He admits he was “liked, but not detail-oriented,” and reflects on why corporate life wasn’t for him.

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7. Comedy Careers: Touring Before You’re Ready

Timestamps: [27:47]–[30:44]

• Discussion on the pressure to start headlining early and learning comedy hour structure on the fly:

  “My goal by the end of the tour was... 35 minutes with just jokes. And then, can I riff for 10?” – Lucas, [29:41]

• Both agree that jumping into headlining has downsides but is necessary for growth, and the audience eventually self-selects for true fans.

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8. Hecklers, Crowd Dynamics, and Comic Persona

Timestamps: [31:06]–[43:54]

• Grace worries she’s become “mean onstage” from handling hecklers, while Lucas shares strategies to remain in control and not let negativity steer the show.

  “If someone’s being a dumb clown, you’re able to be so nice to them still. I love that.” – Grace ([36:58]), to which Lucas responds it took “a lot of time.”

• Both reflect on the balance between gratitude, maintaining authority, and not alienating crowds.

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9. Audience Age, Perception, and Rejection

Timestamps: [69:08]–[73:08]

• Lucas finds performing for college-aged crowds rewarding because they listen intently, while older audiences remind both hosts of their own parents.

  “Any dad in the audience just turns into my dad.” – Grace, [72:16]

• Both share stories of being rejected by college improv groups and how missteps in early comedy shaped their confidence.

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10. Summer Camp Memories & Personal Growth

Timestamps: [53:53]–[56:50]

• Lucas describes his formative summers at Jewish camp – from “king of summer camp” to crushes and his first, awkward sexual experiences.

  “Camp was like the first time I really felt, like, some confidence being me.” – Lucas, [56:44]

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11. Rapid-Fire Game: Takes on Random Topics

Timestamps: [51:30]–[54:50]

• The hosts run through quick takes on everything from Broadway Video (“No comment.” – Lucas, [51:41]) to taking edibles on airplanes and the anxiety that comes with it.
• Notably, Lucas riffs on dating in the neighborhood:

  “Mistake. Recipe for anxiety walks.” – Lucas, [52:23]

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12. Local News Pranks: The Neck Brace Incident

Timestamps: [64:05]–[68:45]

• Lucas tells the story of faking an injury with a neck brace for a local Dallas TV segment, both for content and to mildly troll the morning show.

  “I said I was pro-choice at the show last night. A bunch of people tried to abort me.” – Lucas, [65:36]

• He reflects on the discomfort and guilt, and why sometimes pranks aren’t worth the awkward post-interview fallout.

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13. Disgraceful Receipts: Deep Dives into Lucas’s Past

Timestamps: [78:21]–[82:41]

• With Nora’s research, Grace exposes old photos of Lucas at Stanford, at Patreon (regretting not taking equity “I would have been a billionaire” – [79:25]), and a Saks Fifth Ave family shoot.
• Lucas reacts with embarrassment and deadpan deflection throughout.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “If they don’t have the Colts, they have to kill themselves.” – Lucas, on the importance of football for local identity [03:39]

• “You post a modizer, you’re a clickbait beta cuck.” – Grace, reciting hate DMs about political posts [08:54]

• “I would just make PowerPoints and say stuff in such a way that sounded like I was confident.” – Lucas, on being a corporate strategist [14:26]

• “No matter how bad it goes, someone had a good time. No matter how good it goes, someone had a bad time.” – Lucas, on audience perception [47:49]

• “Camp was like the first time that I really felt, like, some confidence being me. Like, it felt so good.” – Lucas, on summer camp memories [56:44]

• “I said I was pro-choice at the show last night. A bunch of people tried to abort me.” – Lucas, on trolling local Dallas news [65:36]

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Important Timestamps

• [01:07] – Lucas enters; banter about social media following and “teen magnet” label
• [03:05–04:54] – Football, community, and cultural bonding
• [08:27–10:13] – Handling backlash from political comedy & activism
• [11:02–14:12] – Listener “fuck up” stories and corporate party mishaps
• [27:47–30:44] – Starting comedy headlining tours early, structuring an hour, confidence building
• [31:06–43:54] – Audience disruptions, heckler tactics, crowd work wisdom
• [53:53–56:50] – Summer camp, adolescence, first crushes, confidence
• [64:05–68:45] – The infamous “neck brace” news prank story
• [78:21–82:41] – Disgraceful Receipts: old photos, regrets, family

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Tone & Flow

Throughout the episode, the dialogue is fast, sharp, sardonic, and vulnerable in bursts. Both Grace and Lucas lean into their neuroses and comedic self-doubt, giving listeners a candid peek behind the curtain of two New York comics navigating modern fame. Lucas’s blend of self-deprecating honesty (“People don’t like me on podcasts usually.” – [83:04]) and Grace’s supportive ribbing create a rapport that is alternately playful, bracingly real, and refreshingly frank.

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Conclusion

This episode succeeds as a microcosm of contemporary comedy—balancing online infamy, audience turbulence, and personal history. For comics, fans, or anyone curious about the business, DisGRACEful delivers both genuine advice and plenty of laughs, anchored by two comics who aren’t afraid to cringe at themselves.

Shout-outs & Plugs:

• Find Lucas on all socials & at lucaszelnick.com ([83:32])
• Grace’s tour & podcast updates via her social channels

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

Have you looked like at what your gender stuff is? Yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's on Instagram. It's like 50 50, but on TikTok it's very female.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. And, and by the way, which is great. Which I love.

[A]

Hey guys. Welcome back to another episode of disgraceful. If you see our breath, it's because the heat is out. But lucky, lucky, lucky me. Lucky, lucky you. We have Lucas Zelnick in the building.

[B]

Pleasure to be here. And we're going to. We're going to make it work.

[A]

We're going to make it work. We're going to have a blast. It's that the heat is at full blast but it's not on.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So that's where we're at. Lucas, you're like a teen heartthrob right now.

[B]

A teen heartthrob.

[A]

Yeah. You're big with the young girls.

[B]

Like a pedophile.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's start with that.

[B]

I guess you're in the hot seat.

[A]

For some weird stuff.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I. Yeah, I guess I'm a teen magnet.

[A]

Teen magnet.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, now. Hmm.

[B]

So a magnet for teens.

[A]

Yeah. No, no, I know. Well, I, I know this, but I don't know too much because I'm not again, a pedophile.

[B]

But nor am I for the record.

[A]

That's good. Let's get that record straight. Cuz I can't be hanging around.

[B]

Which camera should I look at to say I'm not?

[A]

Probably all three. Just to clarify that.

[B]

Not a pedophile. I'm not a pedophile.

[A]

Slower for that one.

[B]

I don't know if I'm in for.

[A]

Can you do that one in Spanish?

[B]

Soy no pedophilia.

[A]

But. No, but you're. You're fucking popping off. The reason I know you're. You're big with the girly pops right now.

[B]

Tell me.

[A]

Is because I've had a few girls come up to me after my shows and say, oh, my God. I just saw. I just saw this kid. Oh, my God, I love him. Oh, my God. I was like. It was Lucas Zelnick. And they're like, oh, my God. Yes. How did you know? I'm just like, I just knew. I just had a. I just really knew.

[B]

One thing I notice about whatever level of this I'm at is that people typically don't know my name.

[A]

That's not what I was trying to get at, because.

[B]

No, no, no. I know. Just more of, like, an aside. Someone came up to me. I went to the Broncos game because I was in Denver, which was super fun, very cold. Wait, Studio? Yeah, I. I'm not a big Broncos fan. Yeah, you're a Pats fan, right? So you were happy. You watch the game?

[A]

No, I was in Canada. I couldn't. I couldn't watch it.

[B]

Right, you couldn't get, like, the rights.

[A]

I. I tried. I, like, watched the last two minutes on my mom's, like, FaceTime.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's.

[B]

I got. Are. Have you always been. Are you into football? Have you always been.

[A]

Oh, I'm doing what those, like. Like, dumb slots do when it's like, the playoffs and, like, you're like, oh, my God, I've been watching all year. Yeah, I'm doing that. Yes.

[B]

Okay. Okay. Because I just got into football, like, this year, and I think it's. I think. I assume it's because I'm getting more sad. Like, I need more things to help me feel.

[A]

Gotcha.

[B]

Because I keep being in towns. I think the way I got into it is I kept traveling to towns where it's a big deal.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

You know, and then. Because I'd be in, like. I'm trying to think of, like, a good example of a place like Indianapolis.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Right. And it's like, if they don't have the Colts, they have to kill themselves.

[A]

Yeah. Buffalo. It's the same thing.

[B]

Buffalo.

[A]

Like, you go and you visit them, or, like, don't you hate it here? But we. We. At least we have the bill.

[B]

Yeah. All right.

[A]

But then the season ends. Is yours. Yeah.

[B]

They're just, like, clinging on to the edge of the bill.

[A]

What lot are you going to tomorrow? I'm like, I'm not going to the game. Like, what the fuck? They lose their mind.

[B]

They have the bills. It's like a really manic way because if we didn't have the bills, it would be really hard to be alive here. But at least we do. So then I kind of. But it's infectious. Like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because then you're in that place. Or like, you do Saturday night shows, maybe you wake up Sunday and everyone's in their jerseys. And it's like there's a collectiveness that I don't think exists in, like, a big city. And it's not my first choice to be in. I'd prefer to be in a big city where there's a lack of collectiveness. But second choice, second choice.

[A]

You've got to get with it or get lost. Yeah. Kind of. Deal. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's like, it's a sense of community. Community.

[B]

It is.

[A]

If anything.

[B]

If anything, it's all they have. It's the thing. Keeping. It might be one of the only things right now keeping, like, the country together. Cause I feel like liberals and Republicans in Indianapolis are going to the Colts game and high fiving during a touchdown.

[A]

Yeah. I was gonna say the two things that could keep everyone together without getting politics involved would be sports. And then I was gonna say music. But the super bowl halftime is a big to do for some people. Like, my dad's a huge Pats fan. He's not getting tickets to the super bowl because I don't wanna hear him about the halftime show.

[B]

I'm trying to think of what music is. Is transcending politics. Cuz right now it is like, oh, you want to listen to folks.

[A]

You know, Republicans love edm.

[B]

Oh, do they?

[A]

No, it's like. Well, EDM just brings everybody together.

[B]

Brands is fake, but this beat rocks.

[A]

No, no, no. Wait for it. It's like the balls that you're up.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know if there is a genre, I guess, like liberals, like some. Some liberals like country music.

[A]

Yeah. Are you one of them geese lovers?

[B]

I'm not anti. I'm not anti geese. Here's the thing.

[A]

Okay. I am because I feel like you are.

[B]

I'm. Well, you think I'm.

[A]

You kind of just like the. The. The face of geese.

[B]

The prototypical. Yeah, I'm a little old to be like the face of geese.

[A]

How old are you?

[B]

I'm 30.

[A]

No, I didn't know that. No, no, don't kill yourself. I didn't know that.

[B]

Yeah, so I'm a little old.

[A]

Are you 29? Turning 30 or you just turned 30?

[B]

I just turned 30.

[A]

So did you have like a big birthday party and I didn't get invited.

[B]

So I think I did invite you, but I didn't have a big birthday party. I had like 15 comics over on my roof. But I think I invited you.

[A]

Oh, okay. Thanks.

[B]

Yeah, you're welcome.

[A]

Yeah, I just, I just figured you threw a big bash.

[B]

No, we missed you.

[A]

Okay, we missed you.

[B]

But you were invited.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Did I say you're not great on your phone. I think you know this. No, no, no, no, no.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, we. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's kind of funny to be like, I don't think you invited me. I'm like, I definitely invited you. And you owe me like three texts back.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. And like happy birthday. When was.

[B]

I texted you the day before my birthday and said turning 30 tomorrow. Please send happy birthday wishes tomorrow.

[A]

That's. We'll. We'll look back and see if that's true. But we like to only report real news here.

[B]

No, I. I'm a little old for geese, but I'm a conformist. Like, okay. You know, like I. If anything is. If anything's to be conformed to, if people are liking. If young people are liking something, I take a little peek.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I listen to them. You know what I mean? I'm not gonna Same shit with Gaza. I'm like, I'm. I'm listening, you know?

[A]

Absolutely. And. And I should stay away from that. I can't. I can't do politics.

[B]

You don't have time for Gaza.

[A]

I don't anything.

[B]

That's okay.

[A]

We can say ice.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, certainly we can.

[A]

Oh, you're actually. You're for ice.

[B]

Is that what you're. I'm anti ice, but this is going into my pedophile ham.

[A]

I will say I came with two coffees. One was hot and one was ice.

[B]

And I took the ice and you took ice. Cuz I want to it up.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

I want to destroy it.

[A]

Yeah. I want to finish it down.

[B]

Ice. I'm going to chew every cube.

[A]

I'm going to. I'm going to suck them all till they're gone.

[B]

Has anyone tried to suck them till they're gone? No one's trying that.

[A]

Prostitutes.

[B]

I gotta say, I've been really in an ice hole. Can we talk about ice?

[A]

Yeah, let's do it. Yeah.

[B]

It's been so bad.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm getting like everything I look at is ice. Just doing something despicable. And then so I finally was like, I was like, ah, should I. Is it like, you know what I mean to say something. I know social media, it's like a little. Is it cringe? Are you actually helping anyone? Are you doing it to be performative? Are you doing it because it's the right. You know. Know what I mean?

[A]

And what I'm learning is it's anything that helps will help.

[B]

Right?

[A]

That's so I. I think that's like, what. Where we're at at this point. Performative or not. At least you said something.

[B]

Yeah, I was shocked. I posted a thing and I got like 10, 15 people in my DMS being like, you.

[A]

What was your favorite? What was your favorite one? Cuz I have a favorite beta.

[B]

I was just like, I posted about ice. You're a clickbait beta cuckoo.

[A]

So you postmodizer, you're a clickbait beta cuck.

[B]

Yeah, that's what they said.

[A]

That could be a T shirt.

[B]

Yeah, clickbait.

[A]

I like that a lot.

[B]

I was like, honestly, I am a clickbait beta cuck, but not for this reason. I was like, you gotta look into what's happening. But also, yes, you are right about me generally.

[A]

Yeah, you missed me on that one. My favorite one I got was, you're nothing but a puppet. You have no idea that those around you are conforming to twist the reality. For which I was like, oh my. Someone. Someone I like posted that reply. And someone goes, if I got those messages all the time, I would feel like I'm in permanent state of psychosis.

[B]

It's crazy.

[A]

And.

[B]

And that's like someone's 10:30am yeah. You know what I mean?

[A]

They're just like someone's.

[B]

Someone's like dripping a coffee, carving out like 15 minutes to be like. Should I say like turning your reality or twit. No, I'm gonna say twisting the reality because that's more an active verb.

[A]

Is this the right proper grammar?

[B]

He's asking the driver, tracking their nasty DM to you. You're a puppet. Is puppet two peas or one?

[A]

They never know. They never know. I am. It's always funny to me when it's like a public profile. I've got a lot of. I've got a lot of red. I almost said blue. I almost said red collar moms. I guess that's like, that's actually like a funny term.

[B]

Red collar.

[A]

She's a red collar mom.

[B]

Feels more correct. They're certainly not blue collar.

[A]

No. Because they have a very fancy family photo. Yeah, they're red collar people. And I got these red collar moms in my DMs being like, like losing their mind.

[B]

I was shocked. I heard mostly from women. Yeah. And I'm like, huh?

[A]

Have you looked like what your gender stuff is? Yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's on Instagram. It's like 50 50, but on tick Tock it's very female.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. And. And by the way, which is great, which I love.

[A]

Hey, hey, women.

[B]

Thank you for supporting my dream.

[A]

Well, I thought to get started, I had some people. What we did was we put on our story. When's the time that you have fucked up?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So people submitted some of those and I'd like to get what you think of these people's fuck ups.

[B]

Okay. Are we sharing our own too?

[A]

Yeah, fuck it. Why not?

[B]

Okay. Just wanted to start getting prepared for my fuck up story.

[A]

It's okay. Jesus, these are fucking long. I'm also not a good reader, Lucas. Fuck, I almost wanna make you read it. I got blackout drunk on a work trip and two seconds away from being stranded in San Francisco. So it was the most stressful week of work in my life on this trip. See, it's starting to get slow.

[B]

No, no, no.

[A]

Thank you. And so on Thursday night, my co worker and I decided to go to the bar for a little after dinner. For a little after dinner? For a little after dinner. Well, I'm Irish and stress and alcohol don't mix for me very well. And so we got very intoxicated with these two men and the bar doc. Last thing I remember was falling off the bar stool and then waking up to pounding on my hotel room door in my bra and jeans. The pounding was my boss who was trying to wake me up. So we all didn't miss our flight. Well, I started crying and called my boyfriend and he told me I didn't have time to cry, which is true. So I. I'm still drunk and I got all my shit together. This is where I, like, wish there was Cliff Notes. And ran downstairs to the car. Threw up multiple times at the car rental place, the airport and the plane. The pros were I didn't spend any money. The men paid for all of our drinks. Cons. Now my boss calls me Ralph. And my co workers think I'm an alcoholic. Huh? Yeah.

[B]

Why is her? We don't know why her boss calls her Ralph.

[A]

No, that's just a little nickname.

[B]

I'm not sure she knows. She's like, I woke up and I'm Ralph now.

[A]

I'm just Ralph now. I'm Ralphie.

[B]

I think the most impressive part of that story to me is that her boyfriend said that she doesn't have time to cry and she didn't get mad at him.

[A]

And then she.

[B]

She sounds like the best girlfriend ever.

[A]

And he was so right about that.

[B]

Yeah, he's so right.

[A]

He's stupid Ralphie. Stupid Ralphie.

[B]

Ralph doesn't have time to cry.

[A]

No. Oh, Ralph messed up again.

[B]

I think if I told. If my girlfriend called me crying and I told her, you don't have time, she'd be like, you.

[A]

Yeah, that's a hang up and then a call back. You know what? I'm not done. Yeah, yeah, actually, matter of fact, I do have time. Yeah. This happened to someone I worked with before. I. We had a camera guy when I worked at Barstool and we tried to wake him up and he. He wasn't waking up. And then they got the. The hotel key and then we went into his room and it was throw up everywhere. I was like, oh, we're gonna. We'll be in the barbie.

[B]

We gotta go.

[A]

And then he comes out, he goes.

[B]

I lost the camera, guys.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

Really? Did he find.

[A]

Was ended up. It was in a bush at the hotel.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

That someone we met while we were there went to go get for us and mailed it back to us.

[B]

Wow. Yeah, that's. I will say this. When. When you cross like a certain threshold of drunkness around your co workers, I feel like everyone switches to a mode. It's been a little while since I've had.

[A]

Yeah. What kind of a job did you work?

[B]

I worked in like a kind of like a corporate strategy job before I was a comedian.

[A]

So you guys are all just talking about ways to figure things out.

[B]

Yeah, it was always like, what is corporate strategy? Like, honestly, very little.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It was a lot of like. Yeah, it was a lot of like, how. How can we think broadly about the landscape? I worked at a. Yeah, it was.

[A]

A lot of that.

[B]

And then I would just make like PowerPoints and I would just say stuff in such a way that sounded like I was confident.

[A]

I feel like you're really good at that.

[B]

I wasn't that good at that job because I kept. I'm not a. I'm not like a very detail oriented person. So I would make mistakes on the numbers, but I was good at communicating what I was trying to communicate with confidence. But then they'd be like, did you double check that number? And I'd be like, yeah. And they'd be like, then why is it Wrong. And I'd be like, sorry.

[A]

Yeah. And then you just like have like a really well written apology email.

[B]

Yeah, I was, I was liked. But I don't think I ever would have gotten ahead in that kind of job.

[A]

Did you want to?

[B]

I just didn't want to be like sad and stuck. The guy was. Well, maybe I should. Well, whatever.

[A]

The guy was working bad for blessing that last guy. I just did. Also last night I had Yvette on.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I said that my guy friends are dumb, dumb idiots. And we clipped that. Which I don't know why we clipped that. And Nora's in trouble and they DMed it to me and they said, you shitting me, Grace? And I said, I have so many. I have so many guy friends. You're like that.

[B]

Yeah. First of all, it doesn't apply to you. Second of all, circle of trust. The pod is a circle of trust.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You're violating my privacy by watching the pod.

[A]

That's like reading my diary. Get the hell off my page.

[B]

Have some respect and don't watch my pod. Please, please, please. It is crazy how when you do podcasts it feels like the first hands they get into are the exact opposite of the hands you want them to.

[A]

It's like we're like direct DMing it to them.

[B]

It's crazy. Have you ever talked about an ex? Like on a pod?

[A]

Never had one.

[B]

So lucky it was occurring to me as I said that I should.

[A]

Oh, you already knew that.

[B]

X less.

[A]

Is that the word?

[B]

No exes. But that's. Do you know how little anxiety you have relative to someone. Anyone else that has an ex? You get to watch the world and you never worry about running into.

[A]

There's one person I would. Two people I don't want to run into.

[B]

You don't want to run in my life?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well then.

[A]

But everyone's got their people.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

But I'm nobody's ex.

[B]

But you're no one's ex.

[A]

So when's the time you fucked up?

[B]

Wait. Oh, what I was going to say about this job.

[A]

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry about that.

[B]

No, it's good. Is just that you. When you are with. When you're in a corporate environment and everyone starts getting drunk.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

There's like a tipping point where you're like, oh shit, we're going to get. We're going to like get really drunk.

[A]

Yeah. I've heard. I've heard these horror stories of these happy hours. Cuz the only corporate job I ever really had was barstool. So it was like, yeah, that's not. It's okay. Like, yeah, we're going to be okay. But I've heard these horror stories of, like, people getting bags with their bosses, and the next day they're in HR because the boss asked them to get a bag and then they, like, blamed it on the intern. It's like. It's a whole.

[B]

I've kind of. I've heard some stuff like that. Or, like, a lot more sex than you might think.

[A]

Oh, the sex stuff. Yeah.

[B]

And like, age gap.

[A]

Yeah. Like power dynamics.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. All from Happy Hours. It's pretty crazy.

[B]

Yeah. So honestly, worst case scenario, waking up as Ralph, like, isn't.

[A]

It's not that bad. So what did you do on the. When you got. When you got all.

[B]

Oh, God. Last time I got really. I got hammered at the corporate holiday party. I remember. And I just remember that was at.

[A]

A time where they were spending money on those things.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I think it was. I think our corporate. It was for a company that no longer exists, that was then called Viacom. Now it's called Paramount Global. And we had Snoop Dogg dj.

[A]

Yeah. See, this is what I'm talking about. You were holding out on that. Unless I said. Yeah, I feel like they probably went a little nuts. Yeah, that's pretty crazy.

[B]

And then you see Snoop Dogg and you're like, well, I'm going to get up. Like, Snoop Dogg's here. Like. And Snoop Dogg's smoking a J. I.

[A]

Don'T want Snoop to think I'm a big old. So think I'm. Yeah. Two drinks, please.

[B]

Yeah, I'll take a double for Snoop.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, I. I'll do. I'll do a double for Snoop, Alex. Make it a daily double.

[B]

I don't. I guess I didn't do anything too bad in the. In. In work context other than I blacked out. But when I black out, I'm like. I get really nice and almost childlike. Like, probably my worst blackout college. No, I don't blackout often.

[A]

You don't? No.

[B]

Because, okay, my last, like, huge blackout in college, we went to Montreal when we were 19.

[A]

Because that's like 18.

[B]

Yeah, it's like 18.

[A]

Toronto's. Toronto's 19. The other provinces are 18.

[B]

Yeah. So it was something like that where, like, we basically wanted to go do a legal drinking weekend and we got super drunk. We went to a club in Montreal.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And apparently I passed out on top of the speakers at the club. Like, there were huge. Kind of like as big as this desk by the stage. And I passed out like this.

[A]

Oh, what a pussy, dude. And were you also like, like, like, like ears blocked?

[B]

It fell asleep with my fingers in my ears.

[A]

It all curled up and shit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's so funny. Funny. Oh my God.

[B]

But a lot of times what I would do and I think it's cuz I like, I think I get anxious when I'm up, that I'm out of control. So I try to control things. So a lot of times when I'll black out, I'll wake up and I've cleaned my room.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

And I've like organized things.

[A]

That's pretty cool. You don't do drugs?

[B]

I don't really do drugs. I smoke weed.

[A]

Okay, so you don't.

[B]

I've never done coke. That's good in my life.

[A]

That's good. That sounds like a coke thing to do though.

[B]

Clean it. Clean it's.

[A]

Clean your room before you go to bed. Oh, well, I'm up. So me on coke.

[B]

My house would be spotless. It wouldn't just be my room, it would be the living room too.

[A]

Yeah, you just gotta get the corners. Like, it's not much of a problem if everything's beautiful when you wake up.

[B]

No, I trust my blackout self, but I'm not. I'm no fun. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The guy that like goes thumb to.

[A]

Clean fetal cleans his room.

[B]

I'm like, it's a little loud in here. I think I'll go home and clean my room.

[A]

You're in college with your ears plugged in, falling asleep on the front of the dj.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, you're lucky you're not a girl. You can't be doing that shit.

[B]

No, I think that's right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Can't really be falling asleep in public as a woman. You kind of can fall asleep in public as a man. I found.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm not sure. I've never been like. It's never really bit me in the butt.

[A]

No, you can, you can do that. I also, I saw her clip from another podcast and I wish I could credit who was saying it, but I've been saying this for years. And she was also saying it. She goes, I'm a bigger girl and so nobody's gonna murder me. And I've been saying this for years. All my girlfriends are so worried when they're walking in the streets at night, I'm not who they're looking for. It's like, I'm gonna put up a fight.

[B]

Do you. You don't fear? What's your greatest fear then?

[A]

Getting Schizophrenia. Every damn day I really. I wake up, I'm like, so far so good.

[B]

Totally. It's your biggest fear. That's a huge. That's really scary to think about.

[A]

I mean, like, I'm sorry if that's what you're going through, but it's not. No, thanks.

[B]

No, I don't think they're like, you don't want it? It's great over there. I think they're like, yeah, I wouldn't want it either, but I haven't.

[A]

The meds are pretty good. Like, I'm kind of like so crazy in the sense of like, sometimes I'll be watching like a cuckoo bananas girl on. On TikTok. And I was like, I'm like, oh, they definitely have got that going on. And I just. I won't watch it too long as if it's contagious. Yeah, no, no, I shouldn't say that.

[B]

I know. No, no, I kind of know what you're saying, man. Like sometimes when I'm high into my mind that, like psychotic breaks are possible when you're high and then you're like, what if I start thinking in La La Land right now and then I go to somewhere and I can't come back from there.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's scary and it's heady. And the more you think about it, the scarier.

[A]

The more you think about it. Yeah.

[B]

Which is rare for a fear sometimes for fears, the more you think about them, they get. They stay equally scary.

[A]

It's the not knowing if it's a possibility thing. I think that's. I think that's the one. What's your biggest fear?

[B]

Divorce.

[A]

Divorce, probably. You know, I gotta think about divorce. I think, I think if you end. If you get divorced and then you end up remarrying that same person. That's so beautiful.

[B]

Divorce and then come back together.

[A]

Yeah. Because you're like, you thought you could. You thought you could find better, but actually you guys are meant to be together.

[B]

Like a parent trap.

[A]

Yeah, that kind of thing.

[B]

Beautiful. Do you know of.

[A]

Nope. I just think it would be really cute.

[B]

I met a guy at one of my shows, actually.

[A]

Tell me more.

[B]

Got married.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

To a woman. Divorced, Remarried someone else. Divorced. And then married the first one a second time. Divorced.

[A]

I think that's beautiful.

[B]

But then they got divorced again. They've been divorced twice.

[A]

It's just like, stop trying. Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

I mean, certainly you can't go for three or you can. I feel like after two, you're. You're so unserious.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You've married the same person and divorced them twice each.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like third would almost be like.

[A]

Guys, we're doing it again.

[B]

Yeah. You can come if you want. Yeah. This time, no vows.

[A]

We're doing Halloween costumes.

[B]

Let's not vow anything. Yeah. She's wearing a black dress. I'm wearing a white tux.

[A]

I. This weekend, I kind of got the holy grail of call outs at a show. Some lady said she her daughter's friend. And I was like, wow. And I was having fun with it until I was like, wait, hold on. How old were they?

[B]

Right?

[A]

Yeah. And she claims it was of age, but I don't. I didn't trust her.

[B]

But like, did she say how old? Because there's of age.

[A]

And then it's like she said, My daughter's 30. I said, well, how old was the daughter's friend when you fucked him? She's like, he was a plumber. And I was like, okay, so he's working a man's job, I guess you're saying plumber. I'm like, how long have you had your eyes on him? And she was like, I don't like this anymore. And I was like, you're the one who said it. She said it with her chest.

[B]

Were you like, do you guys want to say anything? That's crazy. And.

[A]

Well, yeah, I kind of just said, what's the worst thing you guys have ever done on a bender?

[B]

And she was like, I fucked my daughter.

[A]

I. And I don't think she was ever drunk for this. Like, a lot of times people just do their weird brag right. For that question, and that's what that was. But as I've seen your. I mean, I love every single fucking clip you put out. And it's weird to say comic to comic. I feel like we don't do that enough.

[B]

Say it to comic.

[A]

I think we should. Oh, no, no. Just like give each other compliments. Compliments.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's like, not a thing. Yeah, so much so some.

[B]

I feel like comics decide, like a couple safe comics that everyone can be like, oh, they're great, they're great. And it's some combination of like, comedy points. You know what I mean? They've been in it forever. They. And then. But yeah, comics can be very cagey about compliments.

[A]

Yeah. I just. I think it's weird. Like, we are. We are friends. Yeah, we're friends. So I think friends. I think friends should give friends compliments. I don't know, because, like, it would if we didn't have cameras in front of us. I don't know if I'd say this right. It's a weird thing. It's a weird thing where, like, I've complimented people before, and they're like, oh, yeah.

[B]

You know, sometimes I worry. I'm like. I'm like, I don't. I find a way. Most compliments I hear are like. I find a way to hear them as cutting in comedy because I think comics are so insecure.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? Like, I've had people say this, which, by the way, is something that. A compliment that I would say to you, but then you're worried that it's. I've taken it in a negative way. If someone says, you've gotten so much better.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I'm like, so how bad was I?

[A]

Yeah, no, I'll. I'll take that one.

[B]

You'll take.

[A]

I'll take that one because, well, you deserve that one.

[B]

You've been grinding. Well, it's not even that. It's just like, growing quickly is something to be proud of, no matter where you started and where you end up, you know?

[A]

Why have I asked my h vac guy I found on angie.com to change my grandpa's trachea tube? Because I was so amazed by how quickly he replaced our air ducts, I knew I could trust him to change.

[B]

Pop Pop's tube while I was on vacation.

[A]

Make it quick, young man. Aw. See? Pop Pop trusts you.

[B]

I think we should call a doctor. Connecting homeowners with skilled pros for over 30 years. Angie, the one you trust. Define the ones you trust.

[A]

Find pros for all your home [e-mail].

[C]

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[A]

It does say that you started your headlining tour when you shouldn't have particularly. Yeah, you must have said that because we. That's not. That's not our opinion. Okay.

[B]

Our editorial here says that you're not ready for the level of success you've gotten. Would you agree?

[A]

Well, yeah, We. We were just in. We just. We were just at your shows this weekend.

[B]

We sent scouts, and you're not ready. So what are you. No, no, I've definitely said that.

[A]

So you said that. And so, like, I don't know. I kind of have the same thing of, like, I had the opportunity to go out, and so I just had to fucking do it.

[B]

I think that was smart of you.

[A]

And how did you figure out your hour that quick, like, because if you just have to go, you just have to go.

[B]

Well, it wasn't super quick for me. The way I started was I was splitting an hour with Jamie Wolfe.

[A]

Oh, hell, yeah.

[B]

Another comedian slash great friend.

[A]

You guys still friends?

[B]

Yeah, we're still very tight. We. I'm gonna see him today. He's come to Philly with me.

[A]

All right. Relax.

[B]

Are we still friends? I'm actually seeing him in 30 seconds.

[A]

Yeah. I'm actually gonna pick him up in my car.

[B]

Jamie's under this couch right now. No, we're still very close. So that helped me that we did about six, seven months that way.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And what we did was, like, at first, we're each doing 30 minutes, and then what we did was we moved to doing 35. And one thing I noticed. I don't know how you split up, how many jokes you write versus crowd work versus, like, whatever else you do up there. Sorry, that sounds.

[A]

It's called choreo.

[B]

Yeah. Or, like, riffing. I meant. I didn't mean that in a negative.

[A]

Way, but, you know, whatever you chicks do, you.

[B]

You probably can't talk about your period for probably, like, 30 or whatever. So.

[A]

Strip. I'm pretty sure. Women. Comic strip.

[B]

But what I did was, like, I had. At the beginning of the tour, I did 30 minutes sets.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And I was probably doing, I don't know, like, 20 minutes of jokes. Right. And then, like, 10 minutes of riffing and crowd work.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And my goal by the end of the tour was I had the ability to do 35 minutes with just jokes.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

And then once I had that. Which it was. Took a while, but took like, maybe six months.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

To go from like, 20 to 25 minutes to, like, 35 minutes. And not even 35 good minutes, just 35 minutes where I was like. I'M fine saying this is gonna be all right.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Like, I'm not worried about it. I'm not, like, thrilled about it either. Then I was like, okay, well, if a headlining set has to be at least 45, can I riff for 10 minutes?

[A]

Minutes? Yeah.

[B]

That's, like, how I started was I gave myself just the confidence to be like, I know I could do 45, but for figuring out an hour, I mean, I'm. You know, I still haven't taped any hour I'm doing. I'm getting closer. But I. I think it's like, you. First of all, you only need 40, 45 minutes of jokes, period, in my opinion. I mean, you can have an hour of jokes, but, like, you do want room to riff and do crowd work and do other stuff because it is a live show, and that's, like. That's fun for people.

[A]

Yeah. Especially if you're there. They're gung ho, like, ready to go for it. I mean, like, all of that's what I was, like, trying to say is all of your clips are hilarious. You're so quick.

[B]

Oh, thank you.

[A]

I don't know. And, like, you're. You're really good about. I have this Persona that I'm trying to get rid of is like, I'm just mean. I've found myself to just become mean. And I'm not like, a mean. You think you're mean on stage? I've become.

[B]

In what way?

[A]

Like, mean.

[B]

Like, because I'm just ripping.

[A]

I'm saying exactly what I wanted to say my whole life, but I've filtered it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. And so there's no filter. And so if, like, someone's being a dumb bitch and she's taking up my time, I'm gonna say that. And I shouldn't. Well, because that's. I'm so happy that they're there, you know?

[B]

Is it possible that some of these people you're being mean to are being a little bit disrespectful of your performance?

[A]

Yes, of course. And this is. This is what it is.

[B]

Here's what I noticed, because I think probably we each kind of started with people coming for similar reasons, which is, like, at the very beginning, you're starting, and these people don't know what they're gonna see when they come to a show. So now I've been doing this enough years that at least for the people that come back, they do know what they're coming to see.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

But my first year of going out, and now you're on what Year two.

[A]

Yeah, we're getting there.

[B]

But my first year of going out, they truly didn't know. So it's like there was some disruption and some chatting, and maybe they thought, you know, they've seen one and a half minute highlights, or maybe they've, you know, they've heard you on a podcast and they love you through that and they're not exactly sure how to show up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And some people are going to come. This was at least the case with me. And just have a straight up bad time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And not come back. And that's a good thing, because next year, the people that are coming back know what they're getting, and they're gonna be respectful.

[A]

Yeah. A lot of the times it's. The girls are like, after I. Like when I meet them after the fact, they'll be like, oh, my God, it's my first comedy show. I'm like, oh, that's why.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Cause I've performed for your crowds at the stand before.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And I sometimes found people to be talking or heckling a little bit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I didn't know if that was just because you weren't on yet and they were there to see you.

[A]

No, they just were confused about what is.

[B]

Like, what's the deal. Yeah.

[A]

They didn't know what the procedure was. Exactly. Yeah.

[B]

But the good news is, people. You'll teach them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then if you're mean to them and they like that, they'll come back. And if you're mean to them and they hate that. They won't.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But as long as you keep doing your thing, you will. It might grow and shrink. Like, it might not be incredibly linear.

[A]

We're at the shrinking part currently.

[B]

Yeah, but. But that's because, I mean, you were having a massive moment.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it wasn't only about your comedy.

[A]

That's a big stinker.

[B]

But you will identify the people that are there for your comedy. It's not gonna be. It's not. It's not gonna shrink to zero.

[A]

Yeah. That's the thing. It's like the comedy is like this. It's like a wave. It's like a dolphin.

[B]

But that's. But you were smart to go out when you did. Because I did the same thing. I went out and I wasn't ready, but people were coming, and it was kind of like a lot of people didn't come back because they didn't have a good time. And some of that was my fault. And maybe some of that was their fault in terms of, like, I Think it's going to be a mix. Like, it's. They have a certain expectation that you may or may not meet. And also you have an expectation of them that they may or not meet.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And also, you're going to get way more experience. Like, you probably learned this year things you can and can't do. One thing I learned that I couldn't do is, like, I was obsessed with, like, addressing. Oh, you liked that? You didn't like this? You like that? Because when you start in New York and you're doing short sets, that's like, a great way to keep the audience engaged. Always commenting, he's fun. He's in the moment. He's in the room. Then you do an hour, and it's like, shut up. Stop commenting on everything. Like. Like, not everything's a hit. You're doing an hour of time.

[A]

It's like. And then it's like, the only way it kind of hits is if it's like. Like, if Gaffigan's doing it. And it's like, oh, you guys didn't really like that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Did you? Because he does, like, a whole different voice. But if we're just saying, oh, that didn't hit, did it? And then you keep saying it, it's like, are you broken? Yeah. We paid to see you do funnies. This is. You get inside of your weird brain. Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

You get like, two or three of that, and then you kind of gotta start to build more comfort with just, like, it's going how it's going. And you can save it through committing more to your performance and smiling more. Whatever set of performance things help you earn the affection of them, but commenting on it is not the way. But you'll learn that that's pure experience.

[A]

Yeah, I learned. I learned that. It's like. Because then you lose. You lose a big time. I also learned I can't. I can't drink as many. I can't. I was drinking so many beers before I was going up.

[B]

Because you were nervous.

[A]

Just because I. Because that was my habit. That was my. That was my pre show ritual. That's, like, the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Were you drunk up there for the first couple? Stop shaking your head. Nora goes, mm, yeah, for the first couple, I was. But those were, like, the ones where the shows were selling out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so I was like, all right, they're selling out. If. And they've been selling out. So I've been drunk at everyone, so that's got to be why they're Selling out.

[B]

I.

[A]

It was like this weird science I had in my head. Yeah, it's really bad.

[B]

You know what's holding everything together? My drinking problem.

[A]

If I don't. If I don't drink, then I don't have a career. And that's where I was at.

[B]

That's really what you thought?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

I thought they wanted to have a party.

[B]

I get that.

[A]

I was going. Yeah, you were.

[B]

Like, I don't want to be lame. And, like, not be drinking when everyone's trying to, like, get lit.

[A]

Because prior to that, any kind of a show I put on was, like, throwing a party at a college.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And so I was like, I gotta combine the two. So I have to, like, be party fun person and telling jokes, and it's just that you can't do both.

[B]

And now what are you doing now?

[A]

I'm just, you know, sticking to the craft. I will have, like, one or two in between shows maybe, but that's about it. Great. Yeah, it's been good. But what I was gonna say about you is that even if someone's being a dumb clown, you're able to be so nice to them still.

[B]

I don't get it.

[A]

But there's, like, There's I'm better than you kind of thing, but they don't realize that. Yeah. I love that.

[B]

I don't have as much leash. Also, like, you can't be an angry man. Is scary.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Society really judges an angry woman as being a bitch.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But, like, an angry man, people are like, whoa. Like new. You know what I mean?

[A]

I mean, I guess. And what are your shows? 50. 50.

[B]

Yeah. These days about.

[A]

Yeah. Okay.

[B]

If someone's really annoying me, all I've learned, basically, you'll learn what works for you, because there's whatever works in the moment, and then there's what the rest of the set looks like after.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So, like, a lot of times when I. When I was earlier on, I would be mean to a heckler and it would work, and I'd be like, oh, yeah. Like, that was. And then, like, the next 15, 20 minutes, everyone's like, ooh. Like, it's weird. Like, the emotion of. It's like he's kind of a dick and, like, were all here for him, and he didn't express a bunch of gratitude.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I learned through mistakes that that's. That for me, at least. But I think every act is different. Like, over expressing gratitude. One is good for my mental health. Like, it's like, okay, you want to be here, You Are appreciative of.

[A]

Oh, my God, I did psycho. I did some psycho shit this weekend. I was having such bad shows. I went into the first show and I was like, this is gonna be awesome. We're gonna have fun. We're gonna. It's gonna be a great show. And I was like, literally, like a psychopath. My head. And I had a fucking fantastic set. But, like, I had to, like, trick myself into wanting to be there because it was going so bad.

[B]

That only goes. That only gets worse, unfortunately, like, the. The desire to not have to do this night after night, you know, like, this month, in the last three weeks. This month, I'm doing 35 shows in 21 days.

[A]

Knuckles. That's pretty fucking sick.

[B]

That's not good.

[A]

That's a lot of shows. And.

[B]

Yeah, and. Well, I think it's a reality of being a performer. I mean, like, I don't know. I watched the Taylor Swift documentary. I was like, how on earth does she do that?

[A]

You watched that? Oh, you have a girlfriend?

[B]

I do, yes. I did watch with her, but I was also just interested in, like, how someone has the stamina to do three and a half to four hours of performing a night.

[A]

I was, too. That's why I watched. Like, I'm not much of a swifty, per se, but, like, she blew my mind. And I was like, I couldn't believe it.

[B]

What did you learn?

[A]

How much went into it.

[B]

How. Why she's able to do that? Because I didn't quite figure it out.

[A]

I think it's just, like, her true love. Love and passion for it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So you might be fucked.

[B]

Also, I do think, like, when you have, like, a hundred thousand people watching you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Maybe that's enough to be like, all right, I better watch it.

[A]

I'm not gonna lie. Even the show where I was tricking myself into liking it was way more people than the other shows. So I was like. I liked. I love it. I love that so much more.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The bigger the crowd, the better.

[B]

When I do the bigger crowds, I similarly, I feel more fear, which helps me feel more awake.

[A]

I feel less fear.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

It's crazy. It's a weird thing. I just, like, eat. I eat it up a lot more.

[B]

Oh, interesting. Well, I prefer fear because without fear, I don't feel much from it.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. I just, like. I get this adrenaline, and I don't know if it's fear. I fear the smaller shows because it's so intimate.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's like, oh, five people gonna walk away. It's not usually five, but sometimes if it's five, people are gonna walk away from here. Five. Or we gotta get these five corrects right.

[B]

Like, you know every single person.

[A]

And listen, it's not five. It might have been eight. It might have been eight. You know, it's peaks and valleys going on. But yeah, that was just a long winded way of saying that, like, you handle yourself very well when someone's being a clown.

[B]

Thank you. I honestly, I think it, it's only. It's. It's just taken a lot of time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like a lot of time. And it's still not there, but it's like you just, you. I remember, like, one of the first things I ever did when I was really exhausted, someone heckled me one time. This was like five or six years ago. And I, I said, I said, I'm a professional comedian.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

And like, there was like a weird level of, like, pride or like, I know how to do this born out of the fact that I didn't and I shouldn't have been. And it was like an ego thing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But the more I do this, the, one, the worse I realize I am, and two, the more I think there is a validity to who's in the audience and how they're feeling, even if that's not how they should behave.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think, like, standups kind of lose the thread when we're. When we, like, obsess about the rules and. Oh, you heckled me. It's like some heckles. Yeah, some heckles are purely disruptive, and it's one angry person or one annoyed person or one bored person, and they're not reading the room and they're ruining it for the whole show. And those people deserve to be, like, treated accordingly.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But sometimes, like, there's heckles, or, like, someone didn't hear you, or like, or they didn't mean tackle, but it came out of their. Like, those are all different scenarios and you don't want to alienate the crowd by pretending they're not.

[A]

Yeah, that's something. That's something I. I just kind of am starting to figure out, I guess.

[B]

Yeah, but I don't think that's that you're mean. I think it's that you're probably either.

[A]

Like, girls will yell, I love you. I'll be like, fuck off. Sorry, did you say you love me? That's really sweet. Oh, Jesus. But you just threw me off, man.

[B]

Yeah. And I think, are you. Are you just kind of sick of being disrupted up there?

[A]

No, I like the Disruptions. I'm pretty good at them, but if it's, like, constant, I'll just, like, lose my shit. But then, like, the rest of the crowd is, like, on my side. Because the person has obviously been a problem all night, right? So it's like. It's like a 50. 50.

[B]

Can the club handle that for you?

[A]

I like handling it myself.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

That's. That's like the catch 22. It's like. They're like. There should be, like, a code, right? I'm like, no, I got this no matter what. Yeah. Oh, no, no, it's okay. Cause everything's gonna be all right. I've had girls piss their pants in the front row, and I still didn't want the club to do anything.

[B]

You didn't need the club to do anything bad.

[A]

I was like, baby girl, you gotta go. She goes, no, I don't wanna go. I said, okay, fine. And then the club was, like. Physically was picking her up out of her seat, and I was like, ooh, this is getting weird territory. Cause she's really drunk and you're, like, manhandling her. So, like, I feel like you should've just let her fall asleep or something. And her friends could help her out. I don't know. I don't know. There's no good answer to this.

[B]

They should go. They should be escorted out with their friends.

[A]

Yeah. No friends. We're going with them. I go, you're not gonna go with your friend. It was a whole thing. I was like, you're not gonna go with your friends?

[B]

That sounds like a tough. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. And it was.

[B]

But I tell the club to step in for me when it's really disruptive. And that way you don't have to.

[A]

Look like a dick.

[B]

Yeah. You don't have to be the dick. They'll be the dick.

[A]

Yeah. I don't know. I did, like, reverse psychology this weekend with a guy just. He just kept saying, women, women. I hate women. I was like, okay, do you want to be here? And he was like, no. I was like, oh, think on that. And he ended up leaving himself. It was great. It was really good. Yeah.

[B]

Well, that's good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

As they should. I said that to someone recently, too. I was like. They were, like, really upset from. I landed wrong. I said something crazy. Like, I forget what. I said something like. It was about, like, all the ice shit going on.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I was like, can't we just go back to, like, bombing Iraq? Like, can't we just all agree to, like, bomb some faraway village with, like, innocent brown people instead of, like, you know, tearing ourselves apart. And it was meant to be satirical, but it was kind of one of those things that just kind of landed, like, I meant to be just like you.

[A]

You were just like. You know what? I'm gonna say it. Yeah.

[B]

Am I the only one thinking we haven't bombed a rock in forever?

[A]

Can I play devil's advocate for a second? No one's.

[B]

No one's taking the other side. Let me just play devil's advocate.

[A]

You just are screaming.

[B]

So it landed really poorly, which, by the way, like, I didn't blame this person.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

A lot. Everyone else besides this one person kind of understood that it was a joke, that it was an underthought joke.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, I hadn't written. It wasn't, like, in my notebook. Like, we should bomb around.

[A]

There's definitely in your notebook somewhere. But it was in the notebook in.

[B]

My mind, and it came out, and I was like, you know, I said it, and I was like. Obviously, I was like. And of course, I didn't mean that. And then, you know, this person just didn't take to it well, which I didn't blame them for. But eventually I was like, you're having a terrible time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're bugging me out. Because I can see you shaking your head at everything I say. Clearly, I've landed wrong with you. Like, do you. Do you want to go home?

[A]

Because I was like.

[B]

And I was like. I don't mean, like, you're kicked out. I mean, like, you can stay, but, like, are you sure you want to?

[A]

You sound like a. You end up sounding like a teacher. Do you want to go home? Do you want to go home?

[B]

Because if you don't want to be here. I'll wait. No, I'll wait.

[A]

Yeah. No, no, no. I could call your mom right now. Do you want to go home?

[B]

I'll wait. There's 30,000 you just invited to the field trip. It's a Taylor Swift concert. I'll wait.

[A]

I'll wait.

[B]

I'll wait till you enjoy. I wonder if Taylor Swift. I. It actually seems like when people go to a Taylor Swift concert, not one person leaves having a bad time. Maybe that's the difference between music and comedy.

[A]

That's. I. I kind of. That was another takeaway I got from that documentary. It was, damn, I wish I could sing. Damn, I wish everyone knew my songs. Damn, I could play the Wish. I could play the hits.

[B]

Yeah, oh, yeah.

[A]

If you could play the hits. Oh, my God. What A crotch?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What? A crotch.

[B]

Oh, go to the bathroom, she's on the bleacher. No, no. Still have to stick to comedy. Takes one note for me. I go, not possible.

[A]

I don't know this musical comedy. People give that shit. I think it. I think it's very entertaining and very classic.

[B]

There's something to it. There's something they figured out.

[A]

People. People don't like it. I love it. I think it's awesome. I think it's. I think it's. Anyone who can do it is. They've got a good thing going on. I want to just do it. I say it to my sister all the time. I just want to do musical comedy. She's like, you can't sing, so you can't. Can't do that. I. Like, we left, like, one person we saw. She's like, you're just gonna try to do what we just saw? And I was like, yeah.

[B]

I mean, go for it. Why not?

[A]

No, I. I don't know. Can you. So you can't sing?

[B]

No.

[A]

All right. There goes that.

[B]

What? I will. I'll skip. Skip three, skip four.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Really assumed you could sing. What? I. Here's the last thing I'll say before you move on to the next card that you should keep in mind. Unasked for advice. No matter how bad the set feels, it's go. Feels like it's going. Someone left having a good time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And conversely, this is already.

[A]

This is. I will say this is sounding like all my shows are bombing.

[B]

No, no. I was.

[A]

Want to make that very clear. We've been having a blast since. Things are good.

[B]

Oh, but.

[A]

But it's. You know, is this up and down?

[B]

Yeah, but that's all. That's.

[A]

I'm trying to sell tickets, and it sounds like I'm bombing every show. No. Okay.

[B]

I just want to make sure shows are hard. Like. But this is what I was gonna say. No matter how bad it goes, someone had a good time. No matter how good it goes, someone had a bad time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's shocking because some of the sets that I thought were my best sets ever, I've gotten, like, one or two messages from people being, like, hated.

[A]

That was because you said one thing that they didn't like usually. Yeah. Because they harp on that.

[B]

Usually. But that's enough for some people to have a bad time. You know, you say something they didn't like early on, and, like, it's like their brain is flipped.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Perception of you. But it's like, it's helpful to know that. Because it's like, I don't know. I kept walking away early on and I was like, that was all bad. Or like, that was amazing. And it's like, most shows, you should just be like, I did my best. Onto the next. Some people really enjoyed that. Some people probably didn't. And the ones that did will find their way back for sure.

[A]

Yeah. So you're doing helium. How many shows in helium? 10.

[B]

You said doing nine. Shooting tonight.

[A]

That's wild. So you have to go right from here.

[B]

I'll go home and get my bags.

[A]

Get your nightie.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wearing nightgown to bed.

[B]

Yeah. I'll get my. I'll get my period specific 1800s nightgown. Ebenezer Scrooge style nightgown.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'll get my wax candle set just.

[A]

In case it goes out. It's really golden. I can't do a fucking Philadelphia accent. I really want to.

[B]

I can't either.

[A]

It's Del. Del Co. I could do Del Co. Because they sound like fucking.

[B]

That's pretty good.

[A]

It's like they did it. It's, like, valid, but it's like, oh. So, like, where we do it look like. I don't know. It's weird.

[B]

No, that was.

[A]

It's like a. Like a hick Valley girl accent. Yeah, it's interesting.

[B]

Like racist Valley girl.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. You never see that.

[B]

No. Except in Philly.

[A]

Yeah. Delco, right?

[B]

Oh, Delco is a place.

[A]

Delco is like an area. It's a very small area.

[B]

Del. No, not Del. Oh, really?

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Okay, Cool.

[A]

Nora can spot a Delco accent from a mile away.

[B]

Why have I asked my electrician I found on Angie.com to bury my pet hamster Nibbles in our yard for me? Because I was so moved by how carefully he buried my electrical wires, I knew I could trust him to bury my sweet Nibbles after his untimely end.

[A]

Huh?

[B]

Nibbles gone too soon. May he scurry in peace. Hey, sorry about your pet, but I just wire stuff. Nibbles would have let you like a brother. Connecting homeowners with skilled pros for over 30 years. Angie, the one you trust to find.

[A]

The ones you trust.

[B]

Find pros for all your home [e-mail].

[C]

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[A]

Let's do this. We got a little game here. It's rapid fire takes or insights on the following topics.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. Broadway video.

[B]

Oh my God. You mean my former employer.

[A]

Yeah. Lorne Michaels production company.

[B]

Yeah. No comment.

[A]

Wonderful. The Upper west side.

[B]

The Upper west side as a location. Lot of Jews with scoliosis.

[A]

British people.

[B]

No. Not enough guns. Guns are bad. But they have too much gum.

[A]

Not enough gun.

[B]

That's right. Bad tooth to gum ratio and even worse tooth to gun ratio.

[A]

Grand Theft Auto gta, if you will.

[B]

Right on its way. Stay tuned.

[A]

Okay. Dating only in your neighborhood.

[B]

Mmm. Mistake. Mistake. Recipe for anxiety walks.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

When here's what I'll say is if you're dating people that live around you, you are getting your morning coffee within radius of running into someone you had sex with. And the peak of that first caffeine anxiety with that is a no bueno.

[A]

You really are a nerd. Caffeine makes you tick.

[B]

Yeah, I'm a. I don't. I don't have the solid mental standing to do a hard drug.

[A]

That's fair. I'm not. I'm not telling you to do hard drugs. I'm just saying it's. Like, yeah, I'll. I'll have a coffee here.

[B]

Well, I hope I don't see someone I stuck my dick in.

[A]

The rest of my day is going to be nothing but an anxious nightmare. Okay, what about edibles on airplanes? Going right to that. Ooh.

[B]

Used to love starting to hate. Was once once believed that it was the perfect place to be high because you're trapped and no one can tell you you have to do anything. But now I'm realizing one, that's not true. People can tell you you have to do something. Especially in a scenario where your plane goes down. You have to do a lot of things. Yeah, like brace for impact. Or like get the emergency exit. Two, I'm afraid of flying now, so. Oh, you are?

[A]

I Developed a terrible time to be fucking scared of flying.

[B]

That's why I got afraid.

[A]

Oh, because of.

[B]

I started having nightmares every night that I was gonna die in a plane crash.

[A]

Okay, what about. What do you think about summer camp?

[B]

Oh, I loved summer camp. I loved, loved. I was the king of summer camp for. You have to understand, for a Jew, I'm like, yeah, this is a Jewish thing.

[A]

I didn't know camp. I would have fucking thrived at camp.

[B]

You would have.

[A]

I would have loved camp.

[B]

It was. I mean, I'm talking tears when you had to go home. Tears and tears and tears.

[A]

Was it just all boys or boys and girls co ed?

[B]

And I went to an all boys middle school, so this was, like, my exposure.

[A]

Oh, my God. Chicks go to women.

[B]

It was amazing.

[A]

And so what did you do here?

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Was there, like, a theme for the camp?

[B]

Every day you get, like, different activities.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

They, like, there's a schedule, you know, and most of them are great. There's some that everyone hates. Like, I forget what the ones were that we hated. Like, you didn't want to have to do, like, crafts.

[A]

Yeah, that sucks. That's for mental hospitals.

[B]

But there was like. Yeah, that's for. Yeah, that's like, not that. Drinking a cold coffee and just, like, putting together a puzzle.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

As you die. Yeah, yeah, that's for dying.

[A]

That's where. Yeah.

[B]

Crafts are like purgatory. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but then the good ones were like, lake. You could just go lake.

[A]

It was just called Lake. Lake, guys. Lake.

[B]

It's like. And then you're doing lake. You'd be a lake. And you could lake however you wanted. And that was awesome.

[A]

That's pretty sick.

[B]

And it was beautiful. And then, Doug, like, crushes were. Oh, my. Like, you.

[A]

Would you. So you start your crush at the beginning of summer. Did you ever lock it in by the end?

[B]

Yeah. Well, there would be rumblings, like, before summer. So you'd be either. Like. I remember before we had phones, it was aim. But then, like, once we had phones. Username Loud Noises two eight seven.

[A]

What?

[B]

It was. It was an anchorman quote.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You know when Brick gets really overwhelmed and he's like, loud noises. That was my. That was my screen name. And then you'd get to talking and be like, okay. Like, so and so. Kind of has a crush on so and so. And then you try to, like, preserve it. You'd. You know, you'd get to camp, and then there was Canteen. Canteen was like, after dinner. It was a place with Dessert. So you got, like, one dessert. It was, like, ice cream pops and stuff. And you'd go up there, and then there was kind of, like a hangout area, and you could, like, go around the back and, like, kiss.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And then, like, if someone was into you, their friends would be like, they want to meet you.

[A]

Yeah. You just. You give them a popsicle. Like here.

[B]

Yeah. You give them a different kind of popsicle.

[A]

Yeah. You could suck this or me, darling.

[B]

I didn't get sucked.

[A]

That was.

[B]

I was, like, 13. I didn't get sucked.

[A]

Shocked, but I got jerked.

[B]

I got jerked.

[A]

You got jerked?

[B]

I got jerked off.

[A]

Nice. Nice.

[B]

Yeah, I got jerked off behind the hockey rink, counselor. I got molested.

[A]

Oh. So camp was. Your camp was amazing. Well, your. Your special prize.

[B]

Your camp was, like, the first time that I really felt, like, some confidence of just being me. Like, it felt so good.

[A]

Why you? Because I. I just picture you always cool.

[B]

That's nice. I have a good handle. On what. How I'm perceived, I don't think.

[A]

Because I think you're too cool. I think. I think.

[B]

Do you think I'm rude?

[A]

No, I just think, like, you know, like, you've got it going on kind of thing. And some people have that.

[B]

Not how I feel, though.

[A]

That sounds better on camera.

[B]

Undoubtedly. Yeah, I'm too.

[A]

No, I just, like, you know, like, some people, like, have a good confidence, and, like, you have, like.

[B]

I have a good confidence.

[A]

It probably took you a little bit time to get there, but confidence to me is just like, okay. They know what they're doing, like, speak when spoken to kind of thing. So if you ever see me and I don't say anything, it's because in my head, you have to approach me first because you're too cool.

[B]

But I think that this is the thing, is people think you're aloof for that reason, too, you know, because they're like, oh, like, I think she's so all that or whatever. Yeah, but you're probably just like, should I say something? Should I not?

[A]

Yeah, no, I. And then I always just, like, put my foot in my mouth.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I want to make a, like, a coffee table book of, like, all my weird interactions I've had with people over the years. I'll just say, say some weird shit, dude. Yeah, it's really bad.

[B]

You and I are the type to, like, misadap and then kind of go our separate ways.

[A]

No, no. Yeah. No, like, together. Yeah. Like, 100.

[B]

Like, see each other. Like, you put out your fist, I pat you on the shoulder at the same time. I keep walking. You're like, okay, I'm headed out. And I'm like, what? And then you're like, nothing. And I'm like, okay, I'm going down.

[A]

He's like, yeah. I picture it's like, yeah, in a hallway. In the hallway. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Literally happened before.

[B]

But that's a bad. That's also, like, a bad place to have a social interaction. There's a show happening.

[A]

Whisper.

[B]

You got to, like, whisper.

[A]

People walking by. You can barely see the person. And I'm like, the kind of tism. Where I need to see someone's mouth when they're talking. Mm.

[B]

I don't understand that.

[A]

I, like, I need to see someone's mouth when they're talking. It drives me crazy.

[B]

If I can't, like, this is.

[A]

Dude, I can't really? Yeah. I don't know. It's kind of weird, like, if someone's sitting in front of me in a car and, like, the. Like, it happened recently. That's why I give this example. But then, like, the. The little head part is covering their mouth. I'm like, yo, what are you saying? And I'll have to, like, try to look for them.

[B]

Yeah. You need to see tongue.

[A]

Yeah, I need to see Tom. Yeah. Dude, it's like camp.

[B]

You need to French talk.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

We indeed.

[A]

Yeah. Where'd you segue to that?

[B]

Oh, no, I was gonna say I was not athletic. Really.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

By boys school standard. I went to, like, preppy boys school.

[A]

Did you go away?

[B]

No. Here in New York City.

[A]

Okay. Cause that would be too much away from your parents, like, if you went to sleepaway camp. Bye. Bye. School and sleepaway camp.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Your parents hated your ass. Totally.

[B]

Totally.

[A]

And if that happened to you, call in. I want to hear what you're up to. I was home, but they weren't.

[B]

They were with. I was with nannies a lot.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. Can you speak Spanish? For that reason?

[B]

I cannot. We had white ones. Oh, not by personal preference.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Because I'll tell you why we had white nannies. Because my parents treat the people that work for them terribly, and they would never do that to a person of color.

[A]

Damn straight. So do we have any more things we want to ask you about? Oh. Oh. On the topic of rapid fire takes reading City facts on local news stations.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was. That was awesome, actually, that I got.

[A]

To do that now that I've said that out loud. Taking off your shirt.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

For the local news station.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That was Fucking hilarious.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

That was so funny. I don't know if I could like, fuck with them like that. It was. It's the best tactic I've ever seen.

[B]

I. It makes me feel so uncomfortable to do it, but I. I don't know. So. Okay. The worst things I've done.

[A]

I know only fans, girls.

[B]

This is the.

[A]

I didn't mean this.

[B]

We're all just trying to make money fucking with these people.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

The last one I did, it feels.

[A]

Fine with the shirt off.

[B]

Just felt better with the shirt off. I felt great.

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay, Everyone. Everyone knows probably you want to do.

[A]

All your shows with your shirt off.

[B]

Like Bert.

[A]

I was going to say there's only one guy could do that.

[B]

I'm not the second guy that can do that, that's for sure.

[A]

Like, what do you mean? Bert does that? That. That's my thing.

[B]

Yeah, Bert has. Oh, I thought that was a shirt.

[A]

Like one of those shirts you buy.

[B]

Yeah, I thought that was one of those, like Halloween costume shirts, like the tattoo sleeves. Wait, Burke Kreisler is not just wearing a shirt that looks like shirtless.

[A]

No, I thought that was like an aprony puts on. That's so crazy.

[B]

I thought that was like a shirtless style, like a wetsuit top. I thought he was wearing a rash guard on stage. I thought that was cgi.

[A]

And he's fully clothed at all of his shows.

[B]

They edit his shirt off in post. We'll get my shirt off in post.

[A]

You should do. You should do a clip like that.

[B]

He comes out on every show and fake takes his shirt off like this and it's just.

[A]

It's a green morph suit underneath.

[B]

Bert Kreischer does every show in full green morph suit. Does a fake shirt off, and then they edit pants and no shirt onto him in post.

[A]

I think. Yeah, I think we just cracked a Hollywood coat. Did you watch a show?

[B]

He actually makes very little money because so much of it is spent on cgi.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Sfx. He writes all of his own jokes. It's just that he does CGI for.

[A]

The shirt and it's cgi. Don't get it twisted. He doesn't do the AI.

[B]

No cgi. It's Pixar level retouching of his body.

[A]

He's got. Yeah, he's got to deal with Netflix, Disney, all of them.

[B]

It's. It's crazy. No one talks about this, but this is. This. This is just industry inside.

[A]

This is the scoop.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I watched Rebirth. I fucking loved it.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

It was really funny.

[B]

How many episodes is.

[A]

There's six episodes. 25. 25 minutes each. So it's like watching a movie if you watch it all.

[B]

Oh, so you could just crank it.

[A]

I just cranked it up. I. My show just. I crank stick.

[B]

I'll check it out. Yeah, I haven't seen it.

[A]

It was good.

[B]

It was really good. Oh, this is what I was just saying with these people on the news. So, like, comedians try to go on local news and around to make content, basically. And the. The. I mean, they've been doing it for years, but, like, most recently, the comedian that I've watched do it is Sam Ril.

[A]

Yeah, he's really good at that.

[B]

He's amazing. And he really crosses the line. Like, he'll say things that. That people like, really. The newscasters will be like, oh, my God. Like. Like, that's it for Sam.

[A]

And it's always. It's always. The female anchor gets very upset.

[B]

I. You know what? I would never notice something like that.

[A]

I. I do. I definitely do. Because she's always like, okay. Yep. And where do you say shows are so mad?

[B]

So that's like, one level. So the level I tried to do is one step down, where I basically tried to do it in such a way where I'm kind of messing with them, but they're like. They're like. We can't quite. Yeah. Like, they're like, we can't definitively say he's messing with us enough to stop the interview.

[A]

That's the best way to do it.

[B]

So the last one I did, and it made me feel so bad, I ordered from CVS a neck brace and a sweat.

[A]

Oh, yeah, dude.

[B]

And I went. It was in Dallas, Texas. And so I walk into the news. So here's what I decided is that I was like, they're not gonna let me just put this on right before the newscast. They're gonna know I'm fucking with them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I have to show up to the station in it. So I showed up to the station in the neck brace and the sling, and they're like, oh, very funny comedian. And I was like, oh, see?

[A]

Oh, off camera.

[B]

You had to be camera. I was like. I was like. I was like, no, it's not funny. I pinched a nerve in my neck, and basically, like, my doctor said that if I'm gonna be able to perform this weekend, I need to immobilize.

[A]

Yeah, you can.

[B]

You can put that in there. That's. That is.

[A]

You need the visual for this.

[B]

Yeah, you got.

[A]

I saw this is so funny.

[B]

We can put that in, in post. Like, and so, so I told them that I was really injured.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they were. Oh, they were so nice to me.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

They were like, how can we do. You just sit right there, like, we're gonna bring you everything you need. Like, and, and then I went on and, and right before we went on air, the woman was like, just to be clear, like, is this a joke or is this an injury? I was like, no, no, this is a real injury. And she was like, she was like, okay, okay. And then the air, the light's gone, and I go, yeah. I said I was pro choice at the show last night. A bunch of people tried to abort me and they were. I just saw the look in her eyes, like this guy.

[A]

Yeah, you, dude.

[B]

And when, when the cameras cut, she was like, you know, you could make me lose my job. Job. And I was like, I'm sorry. And she was like, okay, bye. And then it's like, you know, you got to get out of the studio. It was like the most fraught. Just like, oh, like, I'm sorry. I just, I'm. I was like, I'm trying to, I'm trying to shit on Republicans generally for the sake of my left leaning people that are going to watch this. But I'm sorry, you were the collateral in Dallas.

[A]

Yeah, of all places.

[B]

And they were also like, nowhere. You, you are like, please don't say that on the news.

[A]

Don't say that on the, on the air. This is live local television in Dallas, Texas.

[B]

And also the people watching the local news in Dallas are like the most pro life people on earth. Like, they really.

[A]

Thousand percent. They're getting ready for church, you dick.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, I'm probably not doing great things for like the perception of Jewish people among Christian people. You know what I mean?

[A]

You stand, stand for all. Maybe in their eyes, in.

[B]

Well, I think they would probably hate Jews when they see how I act, you know, not that they don't already, but I don't think it's like they've.

[A]

Already got a pretty.

[B]

You're already leaning in a certain direction and then they meet me and they're like, yeah, that's what we thought Jews were like, yeah, tricky. Lying and liberal are three least favorite things.

[A]

Oh, shit. Oh my God. So yeah, you know, you don't, you don't think of the pre interview and the post interview.

[B]

You just see the interview online and that's why zoom.

[A]

It's easy zoom.

[B]

You just log off and it's like, you feel some guilt because you can imagine how they feel.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But you don't have to be confronted with it. So that was my second to last local news interview. And then the last one I did, I sat down and they're like, how you doing today? And I had planned out this bit and I just go, I'm good. I'm just gonna do a normal interview. I was like. I was like, the thing is, comedians usually come in here and mess with you guys.

[A]

And.

[B]

And I was like, I just. I don't have the heart today. So the shows are gonna be super fun. I hope you guys come to the show. It's like, it's good to be here in Tampa.

[A]

Like, yeah, I guess we'll do a boring fucking interview.

[B]

Yeah. I was like, I guess I'll be earnest. And.

[A]

Yeah. And then. But the other thing is, like, you're in your brace. You just take the brace off. You're just gonna keep wearing that.

[B]

After the interview, I wore it out.

[A]

Yeah. And then you had to wait for a ride.

[B]

I did. I had to wait. Like, and. And that was not really a location where Ubers were coming quickly. So I waited like 10 minutes for an Uber. And there was this guy who was. The security guard was so goddamn nice. And when I got off on the way in, he had been like, how'd you get hurt? And I told him my cover story. I pinched a nerve on the plane. And. And then. And then he watched.

[A]

A nerve on a plane. That was what you went with?

[B]

Yeah. Because I was like, I don't have any, like, bruising. Like, I was like, what's the most believable? I need something, like, purely internal.

[A]

I pinched a nerve and a brain. So I have a neck brace on and a sling.

[B]

And I was like, neck brakes on.

[A]

A plane would be bad to take a little nap.

[B]

I was like. I was like, this whole side needs to be immobilized.

[A]

And then.

[B]

And at one point I, like, moved. And this was like, before I said the pro life thing. And she was like, didn't that hurt you? And I was like, yeah, big time. I was like, uh huh.

[C]

Ouch.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Did I not say.

[A]

Ow.

[B]

Oops. I meant to.

[A]

Oh, oops. I was thinking it for sure. I'm just trying to be strong for Dallas.

[B]

Yeah, sorry. I was trying to be Dallas strong. Sue me.

[A]

So do you enjoy a younger audience or an older audience? That's. Yeah, that's the second question you put down.

[B]

I don't know. Define younger and older. I think the perfect audience well, I'll say this. When I do colleges, I have a lot of fun. And the reason why I think is because I think. How old are you?

[A]

I'm 27.

[B]

Okay. Now that I'm 30, I feel like the people that are listening most intently.

[A]

I got you a birthday present too, by the way. It's. Should. Did you get it?

[B]

No.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Is it something.

[A]

I must have had the wrong address.

[B]

Did you text it back to me in response to all the many things I said to you? Unresponsive?

[A]

No. If I ever post a screenshot online, I have to. I have to scribble out how many unanswered texts I have so nobody sees that part.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How many is it? Roughly?

[A]

1,000.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

No, that makes me feel good. If it was like five, I'd be like, it's all me.

[A]

I just can't believe I'm so bad at my phone. Cause I answer in my head. But here's the thing. One time, one person told me, if you answered too quick, you look like a loser. And I see it right when it pops up and I'm like, I will go back to that.

[B]

I'm an immediate. If I don't get to it immediately, it's gonna be days. So I try.

[A]

I just have to rewire my brain to be like, no one thinks you're a pussy for answering quick. They think you're an asshole when you don't answer at all.

[B]

Yeah, it's my bad. It would be especially, like, if it's, like, logistics related. It's just convenient.

[A]

Yeah. No, it's just like, I don't know. Just being a good person. I know. I'm sorry. So younger or older?

[B]

Oh, when I perform for colleges, I like it because it feels like not just that they're laughing, but that they're, like, listening with the hope of, I might say, something insightful for them, which I like to, like, don't necessarily do, but it's nice to be regarded in that way.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, like, you're. It's kind of a different.

[A]

I've just been like, yes, sir, right away, sir.

[B]

Are you listening?

[A]

You're seasoned.

[B]

Oh, I've been doing comedy longer than you. So I guess you've given.

[A]

You've given advice.

[B]

I have given you advice since we've been here. Correct. Did you. But did you like it? I don't know.

[A]

I've attained all of it, and I liked it a lot. Do I seem like a dick today?

[B]

No.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You don't seem like a Dick. I just don't know if it's. If you're like, what the fuck is he talking about?

[A]

No, I'm with you. And I'm locked and I'm loaded.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

And I can watch this back and take notes.

[B]

Taking notes on your own pod.

[A]

Okay. I was. I was watching. One of my friends was on Kill Tony a bunch of times, and I didn't know that, so I was, like, watching their old clips, and my other buddy caught me this weekend because I was also writing my own jokes, like, at the same time, and he was like, what are you just taking from what he did on Kill Tony for.

[B]

Every minute he's gone, all five minutes, plagiarizing.

[A]

I was literally just trying to take what he was saying. So anyways, younger, older.

[B]

Older. I can go up to my age and a little bit older, and then I've had enough of older. So I would say younger, probably.

[A]

Yeah. Anyone. Any. Any dad in the audience just turns into my dad.

[B]

Yeah, Same.

[A]

I just see my dad.

[B]

Same.

[A]

And I just letting my dad down.

[B]

It feels better, like, more rewarding when you can get those people laughing. But even so, it's like, I. I can't really win in my mind with those people if they're not laughing. I'm like, of course they hate me. Of course they fucking hate me. Of course I sound like the most, like, obnoxious, arrogant, whatever. And then if they are laughing, I'm like, pity. Like, they're pitying. This is like, they just feel bad.

[A]

It's like, not even a full win.

[B]

No. And I don't like the way people who are older, they just don't understand. So, like, oftentimes people who are older will be like, are you able to make a living doing this? You know, Whereas, like, young people are like, this is cool.

[A]

You're doing this.

[B]

You know, like, I want to feel like I'm doing this.

[A]

Like, yeah. They're like, are you okay? Can I get.

[B]

Can I get you something to eat?

[A]

Yeah, no, he's never been starving.

[B]

I've never been starving.

[A]

Here it says you were rejected by college improv group. I was. I was, too.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Only because I had a certain color hat I was wearing on my Instagram at one point.

[B]

You were in a MAGA hat?

[A]

Yeah. Because here's why. Here's why we had an election themed party.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Because we had the next day off from. From high school before the election, and so I had no idea. We just went to Spencer's and got whatever we saw for the election theme party. Tossed that hat on. Took pictures at the party. Did not know what politics were at the time. Didn't think to ever take it down. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't know. Had completely changed since then. Yeah. Before COVID no one was.

[B]

This was too much when we looked and we were like, let's some pictures down. Did you take any pictures down in Covid?

[A]

Oh, I did. I did everything I was supposed to.

[B]

Yeah, but.

[A]

So how did you get rejected from the college improv group?

[B]

I. It was the first time I tried improv. They had. I had no right being in there. They fast tracked me to the callbacks because they were like, you seem like a conversationally funny guy. And I was trying improv and I just remember thinking, like, exactly what you would think the first time you try improv. You go, what should I say?

[A]

Yeah. No, they didn't really give like a Elliot there. It's just kind of like, hit. Do the audition.

[B]

Yeah. You have no framework to learn. You just say what you think might be funny in the moment. But like, as. I mean, I learned improv later. And you learned that there's like, really. There's a lot of do's and don'ts. There's a good. There's some good guidelines for how to be funny in an improv context. I didn't know any of them, so I was really unfunny.

[A]

And this is in New York. See, I only tried to do my college improv, so there was no. Like.

[B]

No, this is.

[A]

Wasn't that big of a deal. You're doing this in. But in New York.

[B]

No, I was in college in western Massachusetts.

[A]

Where? Me too. Where?

[B]

Williams College.

[A]

Oh, yes.

[B]

Wait, where were you?

[A]

You asked. Amherst.

[B]

Yes. We weren't far. Hour and a half.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right. I thought that was in like the. There's Amherst.

[B]

Yeah. Williams and Amherst are rivals.

[A]

Are rivals. Okay, gotcha. Yeah. Those are the smart people.

[B]

Amherst nerds. Williams nerds were the ones that freak out off some caffeine.

[A]

Yeah. And go to Montreal like this.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You were probably having fun in college.

[A]

Who's to say?

[B]

Yeah, me too.

[A]

I actually. I became an. I was. That was the only time I nerded out was college. Really? Yeah.

[B]

You would you say you had a glow up since college in a big way?

[A]

No, I just. I just feel like that was like. Like some people just go away for a while. College was like going away for a while for me.

[B]

But you had like a life glow post college.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, yeah, things were rock on, but I was, like, super cool in high school, so it's like, it's been a pretty steady medium. Except for college. College. Maybe you were like, a fucking nerd. No, because I transferred and I, like, had a hard time making friends.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wasn't like college forever missing the dap. You still talk to people from college?

[B]

Yeah. I'm so close with my.

[A]

See, that's huge. That's huge. I don't have that. I don't have that, so. But what do you mean you were rejected?

[B]

Well, I didn't write that. Nor wrote.

[A]

Yeah, that's kind of crazy.

[B]

But I just wasn't accepted, so I guess that is rejected.

[A]

Yeah, because they. They were. They were.

[B]

Well, people had to get cut.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

And I wasn't the best.

[A]

Okay, gotcha. Yeah, I was.

[B]

I was.

[A]

I was good. And I remember calling my friends. No, I was. I was good. I. I remember calling my friends and be like, they're a bunch of nerds, but I think I'm gonna do this. It'd be kind of funny.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then they were like, yeah, you're. You're a bad person. Right, Right. So I was like, all right. Yeah, you should hear what I just said to my friends. You're actually correct.

[B]

You guys nailed it. But it's not because I was wearing a red hat.

[A]

No, it's not because I have no.

[B]

Respect for your political beliefs.

[A]

My dad loved that I wore that hat.

[B]

Why have we asked our contractor we found on Angie.com to be our kid's legal guardian?

[C]

Because he took such good care when redoing our basement that we knew we.

[B]

Could trust him to care for our kids. We only met a month ago, Angie, the one you trust to find the ones you trust. Find pros for all your home [e-mail].

[C]

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[A]

We have this little segment we do here where it's called Disgraceful receipts. And I know you said you've scrubbed online, but we have found some things from your past and we'd like you to explain some of it.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay, that's me working a boom in business school. Okay, that's me at the Stanford University Graduate School of Business.

[A]

Did you go there?

[B]

I did. Shooting a movie that I wrote.

[A]

Oh, sick.

[B]

For my class.

[A]

Hell yeah. Is it. Is it. Is that out anywhere?

[B]

No, it's. It was like an inside joke in the class, so it got played for the class.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Ooh. You do not look stoked here. Oh, mission trip.

[B]

That is me. That's back in my Mormon era. And that was. No, that is when I worked for. I actually interned for Patreon.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Before Patreon was all that. And they gave me a full time offer with Equity. And if I had taken it, I would have been like a billionaire. Oh, yeah, you would like individually a billionaire. I know. I've already said that.

[A]

My tab is right separate of my father.

[B]

I would have like, personally made probably 15 to.

[A]

What was the equity?

[B]

I don't. I didn't even. It was a lot. Back when I worked there, There were probably 25 employees, and now it's a billion dollar company. And I just interned there because, like, my dad knew a guy that invested in it, and they were like, sure, we can set you up as an intern. It was like a total nepo job. And I got along really well with everyone there and they offered me a job.

[A]

And I was like, it doesn't look like it. Yeah, they're all like having a. Oh, they all took the equity.

[B]

They all took all of those people rich. I'm not even being a little bit facetious. All those people in that. In those pictures are multi millionaires now. Wow.

[A]

Good for them. And you're carrying the bags.

[B]

And I'm carrying the bag.

[A]

Nice pants.

[B]

That is not me.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

That's not me.

[A]

This is really not good. That I. Who's. Whose kid is that?

[B]

That's someone else's kid.

[A]

All right.

[B]

That's a kid I went to camp with. That is not me.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Oh, boy. That's me and my cousin. I have never seen this picture. I don't think that's my cousin. It's my Cousin Eli. That is my.

[A]

Can I see? You know. Of course. Yeah.

[B]

Huh. I don't know where this is, but it's not my house. It's in his bed. Back in my bed. He posted this. How did you find my cousin's Facebook?

[A]

She's really good at this, so don't give away your social.

[B]

But he doesn't have the same last name as me.

[A]

Who's to say?

[B]

Well, yeah, he lives in Italy now.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Nice. And.

[B]

Oh, boy, I can already see that.

[A]

What is this?

[B]

That is a father son photo shoot that I was involved with for Saks Fifth Avenue.

[A]

Of course.

[B]

That man on the right's name is. I believe it's Nate Brigazzi. I want to say it's Nate. Nate Burleson.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

He is an American Canadian television host. And the guy on the left's name is Brian Maza. And that's in the middle. That's my daddy. Me and my older brother Cooper. And I don't know why we did this or why it was offered to my dad. And it's definitely very embarrassing. And I was wearing a full face of makeup.

[A]

And. And it looks like it would be an Instagram ad. It says, Dear dad loves sax. That's just what they. That's what they went with for the. For the. For the graphic.

[B]

I think that was the copy for the ad.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Dear dad. Give a. Dear dad. Here's a mixed race group of individuals. Love sex.

[A]

Sure. Dad's fucking handsome. Jesus.

[B]

Thank you. Yeah, I'll let him know that you think that. His teeth are so white. Every time I see him, I'm like, you look rich.

[A]

He's wearing, like, the. I've never even seen that kind of a turtleneck.

[C]

It's like.

[B]

It's like morph.

[A]

Rich turtleneck. Yeah.

[B]

It looks like a reverse bird. It looks like it's CGI'd on.

[A]

It's like what Bert tried to do in the new show. You go watch it. He tries to. He tries to be your dad.

[B]

Does he really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. I should say, I think he was.

[A]

The blueprint for the show. Yeah. So, Lucas Elnick, everybody. Thank you so much for coming on, man.

[B]

I want to say this at the end.

[A]

Yeah, no, don't worry. Right here, right here.

[B]

Yep. People don't like me on podcasts usually. Tell me if this was any better, because I'm really trying.

[A]

Oh, oh. He's doing.

[B]

Trying to be more likable on pods. This is like my New Year's resolution, so I don't know if I really nailed it this time. But if you if you're here, you have a right to be mean to me in the comments because you've made it all the way through so you have all the context necessary.

[A]

Where can they find you and any shout outs you want to give out.

[B]

Oh, come see me live if you wish. Lucaselnik.com and lucaselnik on all socials and.

[A]

Any shout outs you want to give to anybody in the world. Rapid fire style.

[B]

Yeah, hang in there Brazil.

[A]

Thank you guys so much for watching.

[B]

Why have I asked my electrician I found on Angie.com to bury my pet hamster? I was so moved by how carefully he buried my electrical wires and I knew I could trust him to bury my sweet nibbles after his untimely end. This is very strange Angie. The one you trust Define the ones you trust. Find pros for all your home [e-mail].

[C]

Don'T just dream about a better mattress. Make it a reality during Ashley's President's Day Sale, shop our biggest mattress sale of the year and discover amazing deals like a free adjustable base with select mattress purchase.

[A]

Or take advantage of 72 month special.

[C]

Financing on top bedding brands with purchases made with your Ashley Advantage Sink material credit card. Plus save 200 on our mattress hot buys now just 5.99 only at Ashley's Preston. Same mattress sale subject to credit approval. Minimum monthly payments required.

[A]

See store for details.