Paintballs and Fancams with Michael Longfellow

Summary

Podcast Summary: Disgraceful with Grace O’Malley

Episode: Paintballs and Fancams with Michael Longfellow
Date: January 15, 2026
Host: Grace O’Malley
Guest: Michael Longfellow
Setting: New York City

Overview

This episode of DisGRACEful features comedian Michael Longfellow—best known for his time at SNL—as Grace’s auditioning co-host. With her signature irreverence and curiosity, Grace dives into Michael’s comedic roots, odd jobs, high school memories, experiences with fame and fandom, and a healthy dose of online shenanigans and running bits. Michael’s dry wit and genuine self-deprecation pairs perfectly with Grace’s playful chaos as they riff through icebreakers, fan submissions, their top films, painfully relatable anecdotes, and a Mad Libs finale.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Catching Up: The Billionaire Island Gig

• [01:26] Michael recounts getting flown out to perform for billionaires on an island, under a strict NDA:

  “I got invited to an island by a bunch of billionaires to perform with a no photography or recording clause.”

• He jokes about negotiating for more pay due to the optics (“Not the least risky time for people of…well, to be inviting someone to an island to perform,” [01:53]).

2. Rapid-Fire Icebreakers & Life Anecdotes

• Therapy & Rorschach Tests:
  Neither have had Rorschachs; riff on if anyone really gets prescribed meds from “an ink blob.”
• Family & Ketamine Therapy:
  Grace’s dad experimenting with ketamine therapy, leading to funny exchanges about stealing horse tranquilizers ([02:55]):

  “He asked me if he should steal a little...so my mom could see what it feels like...”

• High School Memories:
  Michael’s alma mater pride only appeared post-grad; he quit football after a now-famous NFL player outshined him ([03:53]).

  “I quit football because we were going out for tight end together...he was younger than me and hairier and looked like a man.”

• Comedic Roots:
  Neither felt “cool” in school theater. Michael’s first real acting/audition story—driving to LA at 19 at a stranger’s invitation—was “horrifying and embarrassing” ([05:27]).

3. College, Creative Writing, and Haunting

• Arizona State Stories:
  • Michael admits to a “2.1 GPA” ([05:59]), jokes about the school’s open admissions, and forgetting his ghost-themed thesis:

    “It was an etiquette guide on how to haunt appropriately.” ([06:47])

  • Grace: “That could be a movie…prim and proper ghosts.”
• Transition to Comedy:
  Michael’s leap to LA included appearances at Meltdown with Kumail Nanjiani/Jonah Ray, which served as his career launch pad ([10:58]).

4. Streaming, SNL, and Conan O’Brien

• Both reminisce about late-night and streaming shifts:
  • Michael says, “The only thing I wanted to do in comedy, and I got to do it. And the best guy ever” about Conan ([08:32]).
  • Hilarious family moment: his old roommate’s mom (Carol) stole snacks from the Conan set ([09:03]).

5. Stand-Up Beginnings & Paintball Obsession

• Home club was featured on Bar Rescue (truly, twice—“for the failures” [10:07]); “Howard is unhinged, and it was very real.”
• Paintball as an Adult Hobby:
  Michael spends questionable money on paintball—“I spent my money like I had a guaranteed salary” ([21:08]); describes fields near prisons and their “primal fear” rush.

6. Family, Drugs, and Medical Snafus

• Ketamine, Gout, and Collapsed Lung:
  Grace declares, “Every summer, me, my mom, and my sister say, ‘oh, I’m gonna get gout again’” ([12:35]).
  Michael details a “spontaneous pneumothorax” (collapsed lung from yawning!)—“not even from weed,” though he let people believe it was.
• Pothead Insights:
  Michael’s take: “Pot turns on you, gives you panic attacks for four years, and if you keep going, you stop getting panic attacks.”

  Grace: “Don’t quit. Pussy.” ([16:33])

7. Academic Mediocrity and ADHD

• Both commiserate about terrible GPAs, Adderall, and parents who “didn’t believe in” ADHD.

  Michael: “Every task is a mountain to climb” ([17:32])

8. Impressions, Social Media, and Familial Bonds

• Both attempt Trump and Tucker Carlson impressions.
  • Michael shares he has a voicemail from his late grandmother, with Tucker Carlson ranting in the background.

  “Tucker’s in the back, like…” ([18:52])

• Fandom:
  Michael avidly tracks social media mentions and admits to running a Reddit burner to defend himself ([31:02]).

  “I do have a burner, and I respond to people that are wrong.”

9. Fan Engagement Segment: Videos, Questions, & Memes

• Fans submit TikToks, inside-joke videos, and questions (from Maggie, Sab, Evie, Erin, Asia, Kai/Jada, etc.).
  • Michael often recognizes fan handles, shows genuine appreciation, and playfully rates their bits.
  • Subjects include his favorite movies, future Australian tours, mysterious “Heated Rivalry” (a gay hockey show), and being asked to help fans get into the Jimmy Fallon audience for celebrity interviews.
  • Michael and Grace’s top four films:
    • Michael: Shrek, Shrek 2, Full Metal Jacket, Superbad (also Titanic, Lord of the Rings) ([34:50-36:13])
    • Grace: Titanic, Lord of the Rings, Anchorman 2

10. Mad Libs and Disgraceful Receipts

• Grace makes Michael read a Mad Lib for comedic effect, ASMR-style; joke references to Nikki Glaser and award show tips—“only 420 guys watching, all on oxys” ([56:03]).
• Receipts segment: Grace presents old photos and tweets for Michael to explain or react to, e.g.:
  • His “coke guy/Honda Civic” tweet ([61:44])
  • Childhood lacrosse photos, haunted house dummies, Joe Rogan’s “alpha brain” ([64:12])
  • Threw out the first pitch for the Arizona Diamondbacks ([66:54])

11. Closing Shout-Outs & Plugs

• Michael shouts out Phoenix, Five Iron Golf simulator, Colin Jost, his college roommate James (who brought strangers to an SNL party), and local sports teams.
  • Mentions his tour, dropping gamer tags, and a surreal story:

    “Drake follows me on Instagram a month before Kendrick made him up…He liked a deep crowd work clip. It wasn’t even SNL related.” ([71:30-71:50])

• Grace and Michael end on high energy, hyping up 2026 for both.

---

Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• On therapy and Rorschach tests:

  “Who’s getting prescribed serious medications from an ink blob?”
  – Grace ([02:37])

• On failed auditions:

  “My mom drove me, and it was so horrifying and embarrassing. I just got in the car, we drove back to Arizona.”
  – Michael ([05:41])

• On standup beginnings:

  “You think a headliner’s gonna come save you from this small town? Never happens.”
  – Michael ([10:48])

• On social media and fan edits:

  “I love the fan edits. I send them to my friends.”
  – Michael ([04:19])

• On Adderall and ADHD:

  “My parents didn’t believe in it, so once I got to college, I was like pretty sure I got this thing going on.”
  – Grace ([17:23])

• On running a Reddit burner:

  “If it’s strictly SNL, strictly you talking about yourself, just put a little so obviously reminder in my phone to delete that.”
  – Grace/Michael ([31:04])

• On receiving odd fan DMs:

  “My girlfriend’s mom once sent me a video of cartoon cats singing on YouTube and was just like, maybe for the show.”
  – Michael ([27:06])

• On jobs and lying to get them:

  “I lied to Colin Jost that I golf so he’d take me on the road…humiliated myself.”
  – Michael ([41:49])

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:26] – Michael’s billionaire island gig
• [02:55] – Ketamine therapy stories
• [05:27] – First awkward LA audition
• [06:47] – “How to haunt appropriately” thesis
• [08:32] – Conan O’Brien segment memories
• [10:07] – Club on Bar Rescue
• [12:35] – Gout and family genetics, ketamine therapy
• [14:20] – Collapsed lung from yawning
• [16:33] – “Don’t quit, pussy” on weed panic attacks
• [18:52] – Dead grandmother voicemail feat. Tucker Carlson
• [21:08] – Paintball addiction details
• [24:48] – “Is the ice broken?” segment
• [31:02] – Reddit burner confession
• [34:50] – Top four movies (fan question segment)
• [56:03] – Mad Libs with Michael
• [61:44] – Disgraceful Receipts (old tweets and photos)
• [66:54] – First pitch at Chase Field (Arizona Diamondbacks)
• [70:33] – Shoutouts and tour plugs

---

Tone & Overall Vibe

• Playful, self-aware, and unapologetically off-the-cuff
• Both hosts are quick to roast and riff, but there’s genuine warmth—especially toward fans
• The humor is dry, irreverent, and often veers into the absurd or hyper-specific (as when poking fun at medical events, online culture, or convoluted family trees)

---

Final Thoughts

This episode is a fast-moving, joke-dense celebration of awkward beginnings, internet rabbit holes, and the realities of both rising and existing in modern comedy. Michael Longfellow’s understated, self-effacing style brings consistent funny, while Grace O’Malley ensures no bit goes unriffed. Fan participation is embraced and lovingly mocked, old tweets are not forgotten, and listeners gain both a sense of community and a highlight reel of what happens when comedians are simply left to be their weirdest selves on-mic.

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Find Michael Longfellow on tour at MichaelLongfellow.com, check his socials, and maybe catch him on Xbox—but “otherwise, don’t find me; I stay in the house.” ([72:05])

Transcript

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[Michael Longfellow]

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[Michael Longfellow]

Remember 9 11, 2001. Guess who won the World Series a month later against the New York Yankees. I never thought about that until I got older and I was like, oh, they should have won.

[Grace]

Well, welcome in.

[Michael Longfellow]

Thanks, Grace. What a day. What day is it?

[Grace]

Probably Wednesday.

[Michael Longfellow]

Probably Wednesday.

[Grace]

That's good. That's good. We're right on path. This is my first day back at work since the New Year.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah. Happy New Year.

[Grace]

Happy New Year.

[Michael Longfellow]

I guess this is kind of the first thing I've done work wise.

[Grace]

Can you talk about what you did for New Year's or no?

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, I was. I got invited to an island by a bunch of billionaires to perform with a no photography or recording clause.

[Grace]

NDA.

[Michael Longfellow]

I signed something. Let's keep you safe. No, it was. No one touched.

[Grace]

There's the list.

[Michael Longfellow]

And I think I can renegotiate my pay because it's not the. Not the least risky time for people of. Well to be inviting.

[Grace]

That is true.

[Michael Longfellow]

Someone to an island to perform.

[Grace]

It doesn't look good just on paper. Just what you just said does not.

[Michael Longfellow]

Look good with a good lawyer, you know. Yeah.

[Grace]

So now I think it would be great if we started with some icebreakers.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah.

[Grace]

Okay. So I'm going to. I'm going to just say a couple words and you tell me what you think of these things.

[Michael Longfellow]

Okay?

[Grace]

Okay.

[Michael Longfellow]

A Rorschach test.

[Grace]

Sure. Yes. Actually, I didn't Know what you meant at first. And now I.

[Michael Longfellow]

That's like the blot things, right? I've never done therapy.

[Grace]

I. I. Do they really do that?

[Michael Longfellow]

I don't know. Do they? Is anyone in therapy?

[Grace]

Audience.

[Michael Longfellow]

Audience. Who's getting Rorschach tested out there?

[Grace]

You guys seeing splotchy things.

[Michael Longfellow]

Who's getting prescribed serious medications from a ink blob?

[Grace]

Oh, you saw a spider. Xanax.

[Michael Longfellow]

I've. I saw 10 spiders.

[Grace]

That's gonna be heroin.

[Michael Longfellow]

Oh, that's too much. That's a little. Little. Oh, no, no.

[Grace]

Morphine, if you will.

[Michael Longfellow]

Pills. Don't do them.

[Grace]

My father's actually doing ketamine therapy now. So this is. This is a whole new papa.

[Michael Longfellow]

Dad. What do you say we break through this wall and do some ketamine together?

[Grace]

I was. Well, one time, he asked me if he should steal a little so my mom could see what it tastes like or what it feels like.

[Michael Longfellow]

What it tastes like?

[Grace]

What it feels like. And I said, I don't think that's a good idea. That sounds like a drug problem.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, you can't steal. I don't think from who?

[Grace]

Deal the horse tranquilizer. Well, the nurse, she just leaves it out.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, no, that's a legal thing.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Michael Longfellow]

If you. You know, so. But it seems like it makes you smart.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Michael Longfellow]

Grace, after this, let's do some catamount.

[Grace]

I've been down a few holes myself. It's not really. I don't feel like I. Actually, I've never felt dumber on that drug.

[Michael Longfellow]

I don't know what you're talking about. For which it is never touch the stuff.

[Grace]

When I say the word wolves, what comes to mind?

[Michael Longfellow]

Desert Mountain. Go Wolves. Fuck. Chaplin State. That was my high school.

[Grace]

I know.

[Michael Longfellow]

Another thing that I had no pride in while I was there, but now you can't stop, you know? Hey, there's so many. You know, I. I thought I'd be like the most. Not that I'm famous.

[Grace]

No, no, no, no. You are.

[Michael Longfellow]

No one else.

[Grace]

I've Non famous people don't get fan edits.

[Michael Longfellow]

That is, I love the fan edits. I send them to my friends. But there's a all pro tight end on the Baltimore Ravens named Mark Andrews who went to my high school. He's much more famous.

[Grace]

It depends which circles you're running in.

[Michael Longfellow]

That's true.

[Grace]

I don't know who that is.

[Michael Longfellow]

I quit football because we were going out for tight end together sophomore year.

[Grace]

So you just gave up?

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah. He was like, younger than me and hairier. And look like a man. And I also didn't like it. I was just trying to prove to someone that I'm tough. I don't know who.

[Grace]

So did you, like, end up trying out for the school play or.

[Michael Longfellow]

No, I wish I did. I did one theater class, but the cool kids were in it. So they'd be like.

[Grace]

The cool kids are in the theater class?

[Michael Longfellow]

Well, yeah, but they would sit in the back and make fun of everybody.

[Grace]

Oh.

[Michael Longfellow]

And it's very vulnerable.

[Grace]

Oh. Like. Like in.

[Michael Longfellow]

Like, in, like, you do, like, a monologue. And they'd be like, so cool.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Michael Longfellow]

And it would destroy me for a year.

[Grace]

I also did that, and I took it really serious. And I did. I did the monologue from Goodfellas. It's the. The wife talking about the other wives.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah.

[Grace]

And I took it very serious. And there was.

[Michael Longfellow]

I'm sure you were great.

[Grace]

Five people in the class. And I was like, this is mortifying.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah. At the first, like, year of acting is pretty. I remember my first audition. Some drunk lady at the comedy spot in Arizona, which is now not there, saw me and invited me to LA to. To audition for something.

[Grace]

How do you trust that?

[Michael Longfellow]

I feel like you're, like, 19 and you don't know. My mom drove me, and it was so horrifying and embarrassing. I just got in the car, we drove back to Arizona.

[Grace]

Really? Yeah. So asu, what do you. What do you say to that?

[Michael Longfellow]

Go Devils. I had a 2.1 GPA, but I'm an exemplary alumni.

[Grace]

Oh, how about that? Not too shabby. They asked you to come back and give a little speech.

[Michael Longfellow]

I would love to. If they book me, there's money there. Did Indiana. They liked me.

[Grace]

You did?

[Michael Longfellow]

I've seen some other people I know go to ASU and talk. Did they get a literature degree? Because.

[Grace]

Is that what it was? A literature.

[Michael Longfellow]

It's creative writing. But then I forgot about my thesis because I was doing comedy.

[Grace]

Wanted to do. Which is comedy. And so school was out the window.

[Michael Longfellow]

School was time. You can't write your thesis the night before and not have a cover packet and spelling errors. But it was a good idea. It was about ghosts.

[Grace]

Elaborate.

[Michael Longfellow]

It was if you just died. It's an etiquette guide on how to haunt appropriately. So the idea was there, but they were like, you can stay a year and repeat it or just get out and. With a literature degree.

[Grace]

I like that. That could be. That could be a movie. That could be really, like, prim and proper Ghosts.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yes. Where it's like, whoa, buddy, hey, welcome in.

[Grace]

You're doing a little too much.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, you're doing a little too much.

[Grace]

You're rigging elections.

[Michael Longfellow]

We have. This isn't 2016, you know, we.

[Grace]

We can't be hanging out with the devil.

[Michael Longfellow]

You want to hang out with the devil? Well, then haunt appropriately, please. Coming to you. Grace and I are writing a movie.

[Grace]

Yep. It is going to be on doobie.

[Michael Longfellow]

You know what? I'll take wherever to be. Let's get you up to the top, tuby.

[Grace]

Let's get this.

[Michael Longfellow]

You remember I never thought I was going to.

[Grace]

I never thought I was going to really need to like. Peacock app.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah.

[Grace]

Hulu App. I never thought I was gonna use it.

[Michael Longfellow]

I got it when I got that job, and. Hearsay, hearsay. Yeah, I guess I don't really use it too much anymore.

[Grace]

I just. I didn't think that streaming. I didn't think that I was really gonna be locked in on streaming is.

[Michael Longfellow]

What I'm trying to say, I guess. Yeah.

[Grace]

But here we are.

[Michael Longfellow]

Here we are. What is Netflix? It's HBO now. What's going on?

[Grace]

Yes, he does are supposed to.

[Michael Longfellow]

What's happening?

[Grace]

Stay away from each other, guys.

[Michael Longfellow]

Everything's gonna be Netflix. I mean, Netflix does have some rippers.

[Grace]

Hey, I don't mind. I don't mind.

[Michael Longfellow]

Show me a murder diagram.

[Grace]

I love everything that Netflix does. For real.

[Michael Longfellow]

Everything can do no wrong. Give me another word.

[Grace]

All right, let's get another word going. Conan. Oh.

[Michael Longfellow]

The only thing I wanted to do in comedy, and I got to do it. And the best guy ever.

[Grace]

You know, you were, like, on one of the final seasons.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, I got to do it before it got all different.

[Grace]

Yeah, before got choppy. And they did it from their luxury homes.

[Michael Longfellow]

I love the set. And now I look at the set set, and I go, that guy sucks. He doesn't know how to do comedy. All right, for the time, I thought.

[Grace]

You were talking about Conan. You're talking about yourself.

[Michael Longfellow]

No, Conan rules. I.

[Grace]

You. I go. Is that right? You think Conan can't do comedy?

[Michael Longfellow]

No, Conan absolutely rips.

[Grace]

What a cr.

[Michael Longfellow]

My old roommate, my mom's boyfriend's mom that I lived with. Carol came along. She was having my act, and. And then she. She stole a lot of the snacks. She put a lot of the snacks in her purse.

[Grace]

Yeah, my mom does that.

[Michael Longfellow]

Well, get it while you can.

[Grace]

You got to get them. You got to get them where you can.

[Michael Longfellow]

You know how long I'll be here? Carol. Thank the snack. This.

[Grace]

This ain't usually free.

[Michael Longfellow]

You're going to yell at an old lady for taking the snacks.

[Grace]

Nobody. Not a single person.

[Michael Longfellow]

So that's why we'll be taking this basket. Thank you.

[Grace]

How far into doing standup were you.

[Michael Longfellow]

When you did Conan Con in 2018? I started stand up in 2012 or 2013. Like a show a month in until it's like, my junior year of college. I started doing mics every day at the summer going into college, I started.

[Grace]

And then you graduated, and you move right here.

[Michael Longfellow]

Graduated was featuring at the clubs. My home club is on bar rescue. Two times.

[Grace]

No, once.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah. One for the normal one, and then twice for the follow up for the failures. Like people that failed. Howard Hughes, who I owe everything to, tried to fight John Tafford. I was there.

[Grace]

That's classic.

[Michael Longfellow]

It was great.

[Grace]

And is it real?

[Michael Longfellow]

Oh, yeah.

[Grace]

Or is it played up for camera?

[Michael Longfellow]

No, it's real.

[Grace]

That's awesome.

[Michael Longfellow]

Howard is unhinged, and it was very real. And then that club is now defunct, but, yeah, it was just opening, and then the crazy thing happened.

[Grace]

Defunct is a good way to put it.

[Michael Longfellow]

It's gone.

[Grace]

It's. It's done, so.

[Michael Longfellow]

And we hope Howard's okay. Love you, Howard. And then I was just featuring, and you know how, like, you think, like, a headliner's gonna come save me from this small town?

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Michael Longfellow]

Never happens.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Michael Longfellow]

I opened for someone, and Howard got too drunk to drive them back to the airport, so I drove them, and they were like, you're good. You should move to la. And they helped me.

[Grace]

Oh, no.

[Michael Longfellow]

They got me a spot on Meltdown Down. Remember that? Remember when comedy was a bunch of comic books?

[Grace]

What?

[Michael Longfellow]

Meltdown in LA is Kumail Nanjiani and Jonah Ray's little show. I don't know this Grace.

[Grace]

I'm new. I'm new.

[Michael Longfellow]

It was. It was the gig of the century.

[Grace]

Now, what is this?

[Michael Longfellow]

It was, like, a cool show in a comic book shop in la. Camil Nanjiani and Jonah Ray hosted. And as someone from Arizona, I thought it was enough reason to move to la.

[Grace]

Well, yeah.

[Michael Longfellow]

And I had a free place to stay for a few months.

[Grace]

Wait, that's awesome. They, like, helped you out and.

[Michael Longfellow]

No, they didn't help me out there, but they got me, like, booked. And then my. My mom's boyfriend's buddy. My mom's boyfriend has really been the reason I'm.

[Grace]

He's your best friend, right?

[Michael Longfellow]

He tries to be. We're. I like him. The family needs to chill. Leave Terry alone.

[Grace]

Terry. Yeah, this is a. You guys go canoeing together, kayaking.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, he. He's. He's an outdoorsy guy. He smokes weed and stuff, which is my. You know, my family's not the biggest in that. They call him. They used to call him passive aggressive Terry Pat because he. When you're drinking a glass, he picks it up right when you put it down and cleans it and looks at you like you're a burden on your family.

[Grace]

Oh, God, Terry.

[Michael Longfellow]

But that's his only flaw.

[Grace]

All right, I'll take it, I guess.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah. Got gout?

[Grace]

Everybody has gout. No, I get goat every summer. What? You eat too much seafood, you get goat.

[Michael Longfellow]

I think what you got? I think you have indigestion.

[Grace]

I got goat. I got got. And I got gout. You eat a lot of seafood and drink 20, 26.

[Michael Longfellow]

I'm getting gout, dude.

[Grace]

Every summer, me and my mom and my sister, we say, oh, I'm gonna get gout again.

[Michael Longfellow]

It's the get.

[Grace]

That's how you get it.

[Michael Longfellow]

Here we go again with the gout. My foot hurts, but just for a few months.

[Grace]

Common misconception.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah.

[Grace]

So I also, when I was watching your. Your Netflix is a joke set. I thought you made up the name Terry because it's so.

[Michael Longfellow]

It's perfect, right?

[Grace]

So my mom's boyfriend's name, it's.

[Michael Longfellow]

It's. That's a completely real. And I had to. The only thing I lied about was seeing him naked so many times. Because I said like 40 times. The real number is like 2,000.

[Grace]

Oh, wow.

[Michael Longfellow]

And so he just.

[Grace]

Listen.

[Michael Longfellow]

Oh, Terry's chesties Terry. Yeah, he walks around the backyard like that Bigfoot video and, and dives in the pool skinny dipping and then gets out and does like a yoga stretch. But he makes the. He makes good dinners for my mommy.

[Grace]

That's good. She's. She's eating well.

[Michael Longfellow]

She's a hard working woman. And he keeps the house. He planted things.

[Grace]

He puts on a show even.

[Michael Longfellow]

He puts on a show.

[Grace]

Does he have the decency to go skinny dip it at night or is it in the daytime?

[Michael Longfellow]

It's bruh. It's. You got to get it out. Daytime, sunlight.

[Grace]

My dad says another thing. He says every summer you gotta go skinny dip. And it feels so freeing.

[Michael Longfellow]

It does feel freeing. I haven't skinny dipped in years.

[Grace]

Does. But my dad does it. Like, that's.

[Michael Longfellow]

Ew, dad, skinny dipping is like. That's a charge.

[Grace]

I'm not gonna lie to you guys. That's how he showers in the summer.

[Michael Longfellow]

Naked.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah.

[Grace]

Skinny dipping in the pool.

[Michael Longfellow]

Oh, okay.

[Grace]

Yeah, that's.

[Michael Longfellow]

That's gonna do it. My dad showers naked. Can you believe it?

[Grace]

Nope.

[Michael Longfellow]

Grace, Grace, Grace.

[Grace]

Yeah, let's change the subject. So when I say collapse lungs.

[Michael Longfellow]

Oh, yeah, I collapsed my lung from yawning when I was a freshman at asu. It's called a spontaneous pneumothorax. It's usually happens to tall, thin basketball players that get hit in the chest really hard.

[Grace]

Oh, but you were yawning.

[Michael Longfellow]

I. Yeah, I went into the cheaping. Down a bong. No, that's what I told people. You have to. Because I was like, I hadn't even smoked weed at that point in my life. But I yawned. My body failed me at as. Yeah. Then I got into it.

[Grace]

Oh, okay. So this was before asu.

[Michael Longfellow]

No, this was at asu. It was the beginning of freshman year. I was a straight edge until. Until college. And then I started and never stopped.

[Grace]

And. And so it actually says I started.

[Michael Longfellow]

Because I didn't want to get caught in the lie.

[Grace]

That's fair. You're a man of your word.

[Michael Longfellow]

And then I think, turns out it's fun to do.

[Grace]

Smoke a bead.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, good for. There's like five years where it sucks and you think about every interaction you've had, but if you just keep doing it, oh, I had a panic attack, so I stopped. Keep going. And then your body breaks. And it's like, all right, now you'll just think of chickens and forget your parents are gonna die someday.

[Grace]

Jesus. That's a. That's an anti drug ad right there.

[Michael Longfellow]

That's right.

[Grace]

That didn't.

[Michael Longfellow]

It is. Is it me at all? I feel like I'm endorsing. Well, it's just there's a period in your 20s where, like, for four years, every time you smoke, it feels like, oh, that handshake I had earlier was terrible. He probably hates me. And people quit. They have panic attacks.

[Grace]

Well, yeah. So this is like, I've heard this amongst potheads, as they call it. And potheads will say that once they've.

[Michael Longfellow]

What do the potheads now?

[Grace]

The potheads, they'll say. They'll say that it's turned on them.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yes. But I'm telling you, it's testing you, and you need to have the strength to keep going. And then your body will accept it and you won't feel bad, but you'll need. Don't. Don't do it if you're not doing it. But if you're already in and you're having little panic attacks, don't quit.

[Grace]

Don't quit. Pussy.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, kind of. Thank you for saying it. Pussy.

[Grace]

Yeah. Doesn't it feel good?

[Michael Longfellow]

Oh, I had a panic attack. I went to the hospital because I was high. Get back on the horse. Hey.

[Grace]

Get back on the horse.

[Michael Longfellow]

Get back on the horse.

[Grace]

Now. My five year period was more of like uppers and I wouldn't suggest getting back on the horse now.

[Michael Longfellow]

What do you mean uppers?

[Grace]

Just anything that makes me feel up.

[Michael Longfellow]

You know, because I was prescribed Aderall from 12 to 15.

[Grace]

Adderall is forever. I'm. I'm hooked on it. Like Jamilady.

[Michael Longfellow]

I. It was a relief to hear that he was doing so. I was like, you're so incredible. If you're raw dogging that, that's crazy.

[Grace]

Down an alleyway going, yeah, so glad to find out.

[Michael Longfellow]

What am I not getting?

[Grace]

But thank God.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, made the doctor stop giving it to me. Cuz I hated it when I was a kid. I didn't know what I had.

[Grace]

My parents didn't believe in it. So once I got to college, I was like, pretty sure I got this thing going on. Cuz I have never been able to get a good grade in my life.

[Michael Longfellow]

Every task is a mountain to climb.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah.

[Grace]

I graduated high school with a 1.59.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yo, how'd you graduate? I had a 1.9.

[Grace]

Oh, that's not. And that's Arizona State for you, baby.

[Michael Longfellow]

State. That's the one I knew I could get into. Only one that said yes. 94 acceptance rate.

[Grace]

Wow.

[Michael Longfellow]

And I had to go on a remedial basis. I had to show them I could do math. I had to move in early.

[Grace]

You're lucky you got in state tuition. I was willing to go just for.

[Michael Longfellow]

Vibes my sister got. She went out of state because she's like smart. And my parents never let her hear the end of it.

[Grace]

No, they never forgave her.

[Michael Longfellow]

Cheap child. So cheap.

[Grace]

So cheap. So charming. We love it when he stays. I can't do a trump.

[Michael Longfellow]

We love it when he comes.

[Grace]

Every guy can do a trump.

[Michael Longfellow]

You see, during Biden, he never came home. And now he comes home the most, probably the best of all time, if you can believe it. I don't do a good job. Never said I do.

[Grace]

That was good. I thought that was good.

[Michael Longfellow]

I have a Tucker.

[Grace]

Oh, let me see. Tucker. Tucker's got a crazy laugh.

[Michael Longfellow]

I have.

[Grace]

All right.

[Michael Longfellow]

I don't want to do a stand up joke, but it's a truth. My voicemail from my dead grandmother. You know, you keep Voicemails.

[Grace]

Yeah, I still haven't listened to mine yet.

[Michael Longfellow]

Tucker's. Yeah, I don't listen to it often. It makes me sad. But Tucker Carlson's in the background the whole time.

[Grace]

No shit. Yeah. That's awesome.

[Michael Longfellow]

It's like a normal grandma voicemail. She doesn't Talk for, like, 20 seconds, and it's just like wind in the mic, even though she's in her house. And then she.

[Grace]

It's her own breath.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, Maggie, stop yelling at her dog. And then she's like, I have to go to Costco. That was our thing. I would drive her to Costco and she'd fill my car up with gas and. But Tucker's in the back. Like.

[Grace]

That'S really funny. So you can never use that. Like, if you ever wanted to, like, drop a beat. And you know how people, like, add.

[Michael Longfellow]

Like, what is beat?

[Grace]

You know, a beat.

[Michael Longfellow]

A beat implies someone's being hit. Someone's.

[Grace]

Oh, you mean.

[Michael Longfellow]

They certainly aren't on your shirt. You know, it's a good brand. Okay. And they make a jersey you can slide in. I mess my wrist up from sliding.

[Grace]

I don't know if you. I don't know if we were rolling for that part, but this guy.

[Michael Longfellow]

Welcome back.

[Grace]

He's a. He's a big paintballer, and he's got. He's got violence on his shirt when he plays paintball.

[Michael Longfellow]

What is it? Is it paint? Is it ball? Certainly isn't. And is Obama gay? What does that mean for Ukraine? I love Tucker.

[Grace]

Wow.

[Michael Longfellow]

Remember the old one, though? This new one's kind of spitting sometimes you're like, why'd I like that clip?

[Grace]

No, he doesn't come up for me.

[Michael Longfellow]

Actually comes up for me. I'm like, well, I've had to listen to this guy my whole life.

[Grace]

Only. Cause you're sending it around. Like, doesn't it sound like me? So you just keep getting it fed back.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, he's just different now and then. I listened to a whole interview once, and I was like, oh, there he is. He sucks.

[Grace]

Yeah. You know, he stinks ass, but for.

[Michael Longfellow]

Two minutes on a clip, he's like, nine. Eleven was an inside job. And I'm like, tucker, let's cook.

[Grace]

You know Gabby Bryant by chance?

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah.

[Grace]

I just saw her clip, and they said she was on a podcast, and they said that she has a Tucker Carlson laugh.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yo, the laugh is something I don't have. He's a statistic. How I know. He's insane. He laughs at things that aren't funny. It's like something stupid a senator said. But it's not like a fart happened. It's not like a joke or funny.

[Grace]

It's not a classic comedy.

[Michael Longfellow]

So he's choosing to laugh.

[Grace]

This actually brings us to our next bullet point for this. This icebreaker game. Paintball gun investment.

[Michael Longfellow]

A lot.

[Grace]

Two million. No, $2 million.

[Michael Longfellow]

I spent my money like I had a guaranteed salary from this job that I had.

[Grace]

I know all about that. So where do you go?

[Michael Longfellow]

There's a place in Staten island and a place in Jersey.

[Grace]

Of course.

[Michael Longfellow]

It'S right next to a prison.

[Grace]

So it's taunting.

[Michael Longfellow]

It's taunting.

[Grace]

But look at these guys having a blast while they're all locked up.

[Michael Longfellow]

That's what I feel like.

[Grace]

I'm, like, kind of crazy.

[Michael Longfellow]

They hear it every day, and we're all, like, having fun.

[Grace]

That's like having a picnic, like, next to the bars, like, having, like, nice sushi and being like, ladies, shouldn't have.

[Michael Longfellow]

Shot that real gun. Could be out here shooting paint. All right, here we go. Game starting.

[Grace]

I'm a good Samaritan, guys.

[Michael Longfellow]

I just. When's the last time you fully sprinted as an adult?

[Grace]

Oh, okay. Just recently. And just recently. And I was a. I was the big bummer buzzkill.

[Michael Longfellow]

Give it to me.

[Grace]

Well, so, okay, we're in Mexico, right? And we go to the pyramids.

[Michael Longfellow]

It's gonna sound racist, I know.

[Grace]

I shouldn't have even done this. And there's so much open space, like a. It's a plateau, if you will. And we're climbing up all these stairs. I didn't know it was a hike kind of day. Didn't know that.

[Michael Longfellow]

That stairs, though.

[Grace]

There's. There. You got to climb up the stairs. It's not. It's not the ones that you can't climb up. We made sure.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah.

[Grace]

You know, we're not bad guys, but.

[Michael Longfellow]

I don't know what that means.

[Grace]

There's some. Well, I saw a video once of people, like, running up a pyramid.

[Michael Longfellow]

Oh, yeah, that's bad. The Mayan ones.

[Grace]

Yeah, we were allowed to do these ones. And so we're climbing up these stairs. We're doing, like, a hike. Da, da, da. And then we get over the, like, another set of stairs, and that's my breathing time. I step away from the group with, like, eight people. I'm like, I gotta breathe this one out.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah.

[Grace]

And then somebody starts a game of tag.

[Michael Longfellow]

What?

[Grace]

Yeah. Grown adult tag, which is.

[Michael Longfellow]

This was recently.

[Grace]

Yes.

[Michael Longfellow]

We're all adults.

[Grace]

We're all adults. I think it's So I think it's the sweetest thing ever to just be like, let's play tag. But I couldn't. And anytime someone ran at me, I said, don't even try. And then someone got me and I said, mm, game's over. And then I was like, you can't be that person. So then I was like, I'm just joking. And then I full sprinted to get someone else.

[Michael Longfellow]

Oh, nice.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Michael Longfellow]

Tag. I play hide and seek.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Michael Longfellow]

Man, that was fun.

[Grace]

It sure was.

[Michael Longfellow]

Anyways, it takes me to get. Getting shot at to fully sprint. Apparently paintball does that for me.

[Grace]

That's fair. I mean, does it. Does it hurt?

[Michael Longfellow]

It does hurt. It's scary. Half the time I'm like, I. I don't want to play this game. But that primal fear. I like that you're getting channel a.

[Grace]

Rush in a good old fashioned way. Like there's. You could have like some, some dark kind of thing that you talk. That you don't talk about. Well, to get off, you know.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, no, I. Paintball. Paintball, you know, not Airsoft, not sitting in a Hyundai Sonata with a full military black ops outfit. Clown. We know it's a game.

[Grace]

And, and you know when to shut it off.

[Michael Longfellow]

I know when to shut it off.

[Grace]

I hope.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yes. As soon as the bell stops.

[Grace]

There's a bell.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, the bell rings.

[Grace]

I don't know anything about. Anything about.

[Michael Longfellow]

And then I don't care how old you are, you're a guy with a gun shooting at me. Bad day to have a 13. 13th birthday.

[Grace]

13Th birthday with all your best pals.

[Michael Longfellow]

You're Gonna remember your 13th birthday buddy.

[Grace]

And going for the head.

[Michael Longfellow]

Well, you want to get shot in the head. You want to get shot. Doesn't hurt. Shoot me in the face every time, please. Doesn't hurt. There's a mask, guys. Is the ice broken?

[Grace]

I think so. I think we're. I think we got a good. I think we got a good groove going.

[Michael Longfellow]

Nice. Yeah.

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[Michael Longfellow]

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[Michael Longfellow]

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[Grace]

Let's get those. Let's get those. Those videos from the fans playing.

[Michael Longfellow]

Oh, yeah. How do we do it?

[Grace]

How do we do as they were trickling in. A lot of them are just videos that they wanted you to see.

[Michael Longfellow]

Okay, great.

[Grace]

Luckily, they're. They're short.

[Michael Longfellow]

Okay.

[Grace]

And it sounds like they just really wanted you to know that they have your humor as well.

[Michael Longfellow]

I'd be shocked if I haven't seen them. I spend a lot of time on TikTok.

[Grace]

And then the other ones are questions.

[Michael Longfellow]

Okay.

[Grace]

All right. Now, this first video is from Maggie. Showepic says hello. Hello. If you could play this for Michael tomorrow, it'd be much appreciated.

[Michael Longfellow]

All right, Maggie. What's it say?

[Grace]

That's not ice cream. That's my. So I thought you were gonna pop in there at some point, but you didn't, so she just wanted you to see that.

[Michael Longfellow]

That's not my ice cream. It's my Biden. Yeah, guys, I'm on, like, cartel Tick tock. Yeah, Like, I. I got Maggie. That was good. My God. We. There's a way to monetize it.

[Grace]

It's not even her video.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, but my. My girlfriend's mom once sent me a video of cartoon cats singing on YouTube and was just like, maybe for the show. Like, just show it. Just show it on the show or do a sketch about it.

[Grace]

It's something there.

[Michael Longfellow]

Love you, Sharon.

[Grace]

Anyone else, like, anybody's, like, come out of the woodwork and be like, hey, I've been thinking about this for my whole life.

[Michael Longfellow]

So much more than I ever would have imagined.

[Grace]

Really?

[Michael Longfellow]

Yes. And they're always like, what about. It's Thanksgiving, and a family roasts each other, never to be done before my friend does. He only has the name, but it's Nickelback to the Future. He doesn't know the second part, but that's a good name. That's for the writers.

[Grace]

Nickelback to the Future.

[Michael Longfellow]

Nickel Back to the future. Make it work.

[Grace]

Yeah, no, it's honestly, like, here's the concept. Do what you do.

[Michael Longfellow]

I expect a draft in the afternoon.

[Grace]

He's more strict than the whole.

[Michael Longfellow]

The whole shebang just shows up to snl. He's not there. Not hired.

[Grace]

And is he. He's standing out with the fans. But, like, not tonight. Or.

[Michael Longfellow]

The customer is always right. Right. I'm a viewer of the show, and I think we need this sketch.

[Grace]

It's my sketch, and I want it now.

[Michael Longfellow]

You know, everywhere I go in the country, people know him. They sing the song back to me.

[Grace]

That's. I mean, that's a. A perfect jingle.

[Michael Longfellow]

Not a single place doesn't know who this guy is.

[Grace]

He's got to be rolling in it.

[Michael Longfellow]

What does he do?

[Grace]

I don't know. I just found out. Ernie Bach. You know, Ernie Bog.

[Michael Longfellow]

No.

[Grace]

He's a local guy. He owns all the car dealerships in, like, New England.

[Michael Longfellow]

That's. This is New England.

[Grace]

When I. When I. If you ever see me do this, it's not wax on, wax off, it's doing New England. Yeah.

[Michael Longfellow]

Is he, like, a great commercial?

[Grace]

Yeah. I mean, he's Ernie Bach. Juniors, everything you're looking for. But I just found out he's got, like, houses in, like, crazy places that you've never seen before. I don't know. It blew my mind that you can make so much money at car dealerships.

[Michael Longfellow]

Oh, yeah, I bet.

[Grace]

I don't know. I thought it was just a little. Yeah. All right, so this is. This is from Sabrina.

[Michael Longfellow]

Okay, Sabrina.

[Grace]

Now this is. She says for Mr. Longfellow.

[Michael Longfellow]

There we go. Whoa. Oh, this is that girl that showed up to a show I didn't listen to. Post Animals. Sabrina. I'm sorry. It's on my list. That was good. That, that.

[Grace]

So this is an inside joke?

[Michael Longfellow]

No, a girl showed up to a show whose name was. Said her name was Sab.

[Grace]

Yeah, that was actually her. Her username. Sab.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah. Okay. Sab. Yeah. And then she just. She's really into this band, Post Animal. She said there's some sort of bit with us that I'm unaware of.

[Grace]

A bit between you, Sab and Post Animal.

[Michael Longfellow]

You, you, you and Post Animal. I guess we have a bit about it.

[Grace]

We have a.

[Michael Longfellow]

They're a very small band.

[Grace]

Does she know this band personally?

[Michael Longfellow]

I think so. I don't know.

[Grace]

Who's we?

[Michael Longfellow]

I think the snl. Reddit.

[Grace]

Okay.

[Michael Longfellow]

Or the Twitter. Snl.

[Grace]

Are they nice on there?

[Michael Longfellow]

To me.

[Grace]

Yeah, they love you.

[Michael Longfellow]

I mean, you know, there's.

[Grace]

I know the Tik Tok girls love you.

[Michael Longfellow]

It's very. Yeah, there's some wild ones. Of course. You're always gonna get that. But then you click on their profile. Oh, yeah.

[Grace]

You were looking.

[Michael Longfellow]

I used to look a lot. I don't look much anymore.

[Grace]

Yeah. That'll ruin your whole experience, though, I feel like.

[Michael Longfellow]

Oh, you see some nice things in your eyes. You're like. You see some nice comments and you start walking around with a bit.

[Grace]

Yeah. If. If you know they're nothing but nice, you.

[Michael Longfellow]

I do have a burner, and I respond to people that are wrong.

[Grace]

No shit.

[Michael Longfellow]

So you got to do it.

[Grace]

And it's. It's you. Because if you go on your profile, it's like Michael Longfellow actually fake email faking. But if you look, you can see which threads you. You reply to. And if it's strictly snl. Strictly you talking about yourself, just put a little so obviously reminder in my.

[Michael Longfellow]

Phone to delete that. You're right. Didn't think of that. Delete Reddit burner.

[Grace]

That has gotta go.

[Michael Longfellow]

You know what? I think my name is in the email. Like, it's a fake email without my name.

[Grace]

Michael lover76.

[Michael Longfellow]

I think my number's attached.

[Grace]

Yeah, fake email.

[Michael Longfellow]

But I ain't been found out yet.

[Grace]

All right, this next one.

[Michael Longfellow]

This is the best from Evie.

[Grace]

Hi, Grace. Evie.

[Michael Longfellow]

I know Evie.

[Grace]

You know Evie.

[Michael Longfellow]

Well, I see. I see Evie's name a lot and tweets that involve me.

[Grace]

You're very good about this. So far, you've pretty much known everyone who's reached out.

[Michael Longfellow]

I mean, you get tagged when they talk about you.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Michael Longfellow]

And then they're always surprised that you, like, respond.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Michael Longfellow]

He's lurking.

[Grace]

I was tagged 10 seconds ago. He's bored.

[Michael Longfellow]

I never too big to get excited about a couple ones and twos on the Twitter notification.

[Grace]

Love to hear that. Are you calling these women ones and twos or.

[Michael Longfellow]

Whoa, Grace. No saying you see a little notification one and two. I mean, all women are tens to me.

[Grace]

That's not true. Hi, Grace. I'm trying to send in my video for the podcast, but it won't seem to let me. I didn't have to read that, so I'm gonna send it to you.

[Michael Longfellow]

Don't be mean to Evie.

[Grace]

What? No, I just didn't. I feel like I should have said.

[Michael Longfellow]

This is a video from Evie. Trim the script.

[Grace]

Hi, Michael. Hi, Grace. My name's Evie, and a lot of me and my friends are wondering what your guys's favorite top four films are. And also because I'm from Australia, I wanted to ask Michael, would you ever consider coming over for a tour? Because we just love you so much over here, and I can't wait to listen to the episode. And I love you guys so much.

[Michael Longfellow]

I've got to get to the Down Under.

[Grace]

They don't want me.

[Michael Longfellow]

You're going to love Grace.

[Grace]

Grace and Michael. What are your favorite movies also? Michael, you got to get over here. We love you.

[Michael Longfellow]

It's such a long plane ride. I want to go to Australia, but I don't know if I can do that plane ride.

[Grace]

Why not? You just.

[Michael Longfellow]

It's like 15 hours.

[Grace]

Yeah, but it's like once you're there, you're there. You got to stay for a little. You can't stay for two days like you just did.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, that's true.

[Grace]

You gotta. You gotta be there for a little bit.

[Michael Longfellow]

I would love to go to Australia.

[Grace]

Yeah, it's on the Barca list for me for sure.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, I've been. I went to. I've been to Canada mostly.

[Grace]

Now, that is nothing like Australia at all.

[Michael Longfellow]

No, but it's gorgeous country and it's so close. And Edmonton has the biggest mall in North America.

[Grace]

No.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yep. Sorry. Minnesota. It's Edmonton. Same brand. You live there when you do the comedy club.

[Grace]

Oh, is it in the mall?

[Michael Longfellow]

House of Comedy. And they have an amusement park. And I went once. But you can't be alone as a guy.

[Grace]

Why?

[Michael Longfellow]

I was just on a ride next to like.

[Grace]

Oh, you're a pervert.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, that's what they think.

[Grace]

No, no, I know you're not.

[Michael Longfellow]

I'm not there to grab any. And also, riding a roller coaster next to a stranger is very embarrassing.

[Grace]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Michael Longfellow]

It's like a lot of jostling and we're both have like cool, cool faces on. Trying to look like we're not having.

[Grace]

Fun and you can't react.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, it's just a little.

[Grace]

It's like. Yeah, you just can't be like, this is fun, right?

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, it's just like.

[Grace]

I enjoyed myself.

[Michael Longfellow]

Good. Good to meet you, Ed. I will come to Australia someday. Favorite four movies.

[Grace]

My apologies.

[Michael Longfellow]

Oh, man. Shrek. Shrek 2. The only. Only sequel. Probably the best sequel of all time.

[Grace]

I beg to differ. And no one ever has me on this. But Anchorman 2.

[Michael Longfellow]

Oh, it was good.

[Grace]

Thank you.

[Michael Longfellow]

I watched over. Has me on that one with Zach Pugh and he was. Because, yeah, I didn't. I watched it like a little bit. But then you only watch it. Not a wasted second. No, not a wasted second.

[Grace]

Neither would Shrek 2 either.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, Shrek 2 is just. I mean, you know, when I was a child. Full Metal Jacket is up there now.

[Grace]

What's that about?

[Michael Longfellow]

Stanley Kubrick. Anti war Vietnam movie.

[Grace]

Oh, okay. Got to brush up on my American.

[Michael Longfellow]

Very good. Very quiet silent film. Well, it's just like there's no glorification.

[Grace]

Of the war now, when you say quiet and it's a war movie, how.

[Michael Longfellow]

They'Re walking around and it's just. You hear their footsteps and then someone gets shot. There's no, like, dramatic music making it seem cool.

[Grace]

It's just nothing like welcome to the Jungle. Like, nothing like that.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah.

[Grace]

Okay.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah. No, no, no. What is that? Credence? No Credence. Clear Water.

[Grace]

Sympathy for the Devil.

[Michael Longfellow]

It's a good film. What about you? That's three.

[Grace]

That's three.

[Michael Longfellow]

So you go.

[Grace]

No, go for it. Go for fourth.

[Michael Longfellow]

You were on a roll for it once.

[Grace]

Yeah. Oh.

[Michael Longfellow]

Oh. I'm gonna get this wrong. Oh, it's. It's. It's up there with Super Bad or Titanic? Super Bad. Only because it does. The first movie where I saw people acting, but it didn't feel like acting. Yeah, I was like, they're talking normal. Oh, that's allowed. Great.

[Grace]

That's awesome.

[Michael Longfellow]

Favorite movie? I mean, gotta love Titanic. Second part, Lord of the Rings. All of the Lord of the Rings.

[Grace]

Oh, okay.

[Michael Longfellow]

Which I consider one film.

[Grace]

Okay. What?

[Michael Longfellow]

It's.

[Grace]

It's, you know, it plays into all.

[Michael Longfellow]

I know it's three films, but it's. What?

[Grace]

Yeah, I know. Or Star Wars.

[Michael Longfellow]

Why are you doing that?

[Grace]

I know, I'm sorry.

[Michael Longfellow]

Star wars sucks. Okay.

[Grace]

I really feel like those go hand in hand for guys if you like it.

[Michael Longfellow]

Hey, man, we got bows and swords. Get your lightsaber out of here.

[Grace]

Yeah, that's. It's more organic.

[Michael Longfellow]

It's. It's better.

[Grace]

Hobbits and shit. Okay, next. Hi, Michael. Yeah, we have went before, as you might recall. I'm your biggest fan and you are my favorite comedian. I would do anything for you, but not in a creepy way. More in a wholesome. Not favorite actor. Okay, so my question for you is, have you watched Hidden Rivalry? Because if you haven't, you have to watch it. You have to watch it. And another question is, like, would you use your SNL connections to help out your biggest fan, who is me, to get into Jimmy Fallon show where he interviews one of the stars of Heated Rivalry? That would change my life.

[Michael Longfellow]

I do know her. We last saw each other after I did a reading for a play on a stage at. I believe it was clubcoming. I can't really remember the venue, but I do know her. What did. What did she ask if I watch.

[Grace]

Have you seen Heated Rivalry?

[Michael Longfellow]

No.

[Grace]

Okay. It's the gay hockey.

[Michael Longfellow]

Gay hockey.

[Grace]

You just can't. No, dude, I can't even believe it's all anyone's talking about. It's like they asked Miley Cyrus on the red carpet. You watch Heat? Rivalry.

[Michael Longfellow]

She's.

[Grace]

No. Can you stop asking me what I.

[Michael Longfellow]

Have never heard of this. I never heard of that Leo movie, the new one.

[Grace]

I didn't either. Actually marketing on that. Where is.

[Michael Longfellow]

What am I? I'm in the world.

[Grace]

Yeah, no, I know. And you say you're always on your phone, but cartel. And he a gay hockey. I guess they don't really go.

[Michael Longfellow]

Let me look up. He did rivalry really quick.

[Grace]

It's just like.

[Michael Longfellow]

Or should I google gay hockey?

[Grace]

Gay hockey will come right up, I swear to God.

[Michael Longfellow]

Rivalry, gay hockey.

[Grace]

Or like some other videos. You could probably tell me, but I.

[Michael Longfellow]

Think it's a popular TV series. Yeah, but a secret romance between two professional male hockey players. I love that.

[Grace]

Yeah, it's just like all the rage. But I really want her final question.

[Michael Longfellow]

I don't know if I'm the guy to. I think you're a little late. Even though I'm still friends with everybody and no burnt bridges. And I love Lorne.

[Grace]

I love using. I love using that time to get what you want.

[Michael Longfellow]

I respect.

[Grace]

She was loaded. However much amount of time she wanted to do, she went with 58 seconds. She asked a question and then she asked for a favor.

[Michael Longfellow]

Is she asking to get on Jimmy Fallon or is she asking for one of the heated rivalry people?

[Grace]

So one of the heated rivalry people are gonna be a guest.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah.

[Grace]

And I think this week. So you gotta get on it.

[Michael Longfellow]

So she wants to be in the audience.

[Grace]

In the audience.

[Michael Longfellow]

You know, that might be doable.

[Grace]

And she ended it like this. So balls in your court.

[Michael Longfellow]

It's the wrong show, but it is under. You know what? I'll make some calls.

[Grace]

Yep.

[Michael Longfellow]

It'll be good to find out where I stand as well.

[Grace]

Yeah. And this will air after the fact. So you. We could just pretend she got there.

[Michael Longfellow]

You're front row. I just sent a text. I just texted Jimmy and enjoy. Tell them old Longfellow says hello and that he'd like to do a suited stand up set someday. That is true. Actually.

[Grace]

Suited.

[Michael Longfellow]

Well, yeah. You know, it's like the Tonight show thing. You wear a suit. One time I opened for a famous guy. He made me rent a suit. Cost me all my check. I'll tell you after.

[Grace]

All right, well, I'll find out later. You guys don't get to know. Sorry, but you have to tell me.

[Michael Longfellow]

So I will tell you.

[Grace]

This next one is. Oh, it's actually a picture. A picture of Sarah. But their name is Kai.

[Michael Longfellow]

I love Sarah. Kai. I know. Kai.

[Grace]

This. This is from me and my friend Jaden.

[Michael Longfellow]

Kai and Jaden, they were just co hosts on my Tick Tock Live. I just hit a golf simulator and let people.

[Grace]

Let's get this. Yeah. You know what? You got to start us utilizing Tick Tock Live for when you're just hanging.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, you don't really need to. You know, I don't know what's going on.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Michael Longfellow]

I set the camera up and I. And I just swing.

[Grace]

Just swing at him. You got. You got a golf simulator at your.

[Michael Longfellow]

At your apartment? No, but they were building one at 30 Rock, so I got a membership. I lied to Colin Jones that I golf so he'd take me on the road.

[Grace]

Perfect.

[Michael Longfellow]

And then he took me to, like, the best courses in the country, and I humiliated myself.

[Grace]

I was like, oh, it's been. It's been a while. I'm a little rusty.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, golly. You know, five swings to make contact. That's so unlike me.

[Grace]

I don't know what's going on.

[Michael Longfellow]

And then, yeah, I got to do like. My stepdad was like, you didn't even know where you are? And I didn't. He loves golf. He's like, oh, man, you don't even.

[Grace]

Know who you are.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah. No. Where you are. I guess I was on this legendary.

[Grace]

Who you are.

[Michael Longfellow]

Just peeing.

[Grace]

Pretending to like golf.

[Michael Longfellow]

Just peeing on it. But then I got. You know, I didn't return to the 30 Rockefeller, but they have a location near my house, so that's all I did for like. That was my office for like three months. The guy that worked.

[Grace]

No one can say that. You can't use that. Like a wework.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah. Oh, I take calls. Everyone there knows me. They let me stay after closing.

[Grace]

That's awesome.

[Michael Longfellow]

The guy that did my tour merch worked there. Just met him.

[Grace]

That's. Yeah. Cuz, you know, creative people need a swing or two.

[Michael Longfellow]

He's a. Yeah, he's a skater that works at a golf place. That's awesome. We just have. We align aesthetically.

[Grace]

Hell yeah.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah. He came to my Thanksgiving.

[Grace]

He did.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah.

[Grace]

That's pretty cool.

[Michael Longfellow]

I make friends where I go, dude, I don't.

[Grace]

I need. I need to take a pointer or two.

[Michael Longfellow]

Go take some swings. You want to go right after this? I do have a 3pm tea time. 3pm and then golf simulator.

[Grace]

And I. I'll get the download going on. I almost said Kings of Leon.

[Michael Longfellow]

Kings of Leon.

[Grace]

Lord of Rings. That'd be a good question.

[Michael Longfellow]

King of Rohan. Step Aside reference goes right over my head.

[Grace]

Now. This is.

[Michael Longfellow]

She doesn't know Rohan.

[Grace]

What a doof.

[Michael Longfellow]

The ride is a Rohan.

[Grace]

Okay, so this is from Kai and Jada. This is just like another one of those videos they wanted you to see.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, this is my. Yes, yes, yes. Winner's favorite one. Nicely done. I would send that to my sister. We send funny tiktoks and then we've got this one.

[Grace]

Working on my performance for real. My stage.

[Michael Longfellow]

I mean. That looks cool. Yeah. Is there any way we could pause so I could pee?

[Grace]

Absolutely.

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[Michael Longfellow]

Did you know Tide has been upgraded to provide an even better clean in cold water? Tide is specifically designed to fight any stain you throw at it. Even in cold butter. Yep.

[Grace]

Chocolate ice cream.

[Michael Longfellow]

Sure thing. Barbecue sauce. Tide's got you covered.

[Grace]

You don't need to use warm water.

[Michael Longfellow]

Additionally, Tide pods let you confidently fight tough stains with new coldzyme technology. Just remember, if it's gotta be clean, it's gotta be Tide.

[Grace]

I just found out what a P bomb is. You guys know what a P bomb is? You take your foreskin and you fill it up until it first.

[Michael Longfellow]

What are we doing?

[Grace]

Yeah, I, I, I. That was on a.

[Michael Longfellow]

You have your.

[Grace]

That was a podcast clip I saw.

[Michael Longfellow]

You need to be uncircumcised.

[Grace]

Yeah. You, yes freak Europeans.

[Michael Longfellow]

Remember seeing that kid at the urinal in fifth grade and just being like, thank God it's not me.

[Grace]

Oh, brother, do I.

[Michael Longfellow]

Just kidding. Maybe I'm uncircumcised. Maybe I'm lying.

[Grace]

And we're back from the PE Break Circumcision. We've got two more videos.

[Michael Longfellow]

Okay.

[Grace]

And then I've got a.

[Michael Longfellow]

So far, Jaden and Kai in the lead.

[Grace]

All right, now this is that fangirl, Erin fangirl.

[Michael Longfellow]

Aaron. Yep. Know her. E, R, I, N. Yep. Boom. I don't know her, but I see her name on Twitter.

[Grace]

She knows you.

[Michael Longfellow]

Oh, I do know Aaron.

[Grace]

Hi, I'm Aaron Loki. Run Club Longfellow. I don't know if you're looking for questions or just comments or concerns. But I'm just here to say you're really funny. And what are your top four on letterboxd? So she kind of asked the same question a little bit.

[Michael Longfellow]

What is letterboxd? That's the movie app.

[Grace]

The movie up.

[Michael Longfellow]

Well, I can't tell you my top four, but I did say my top four movies. Aaron, it's always good to see you at the shows. Stop snitching on me.

[Grace]

Ooh.

[Michael Longfellow]

Sometimes you miss a show in New York. It's a 10 minute set. Sometimes you gotta cancel.

[Grace]

Oh, yes, Okay. I had. I had a problem with one girl as well.

[Michael Longfellow]

Why do you keep tweeting it out? Yeah, I love you, Aaron, but same thing.

[Grace]

This is a lineup show. It's not your.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, no, it's just something that it's a set at the stand for, and I just. I couldn't make it. Something happened. That's what she reports on it. She's like, I came all this way from Long island, and he's not even here. And there's like, amazing comics. Yeah.

[Grace]

I was gonna say the rest of the lineup is probably fantastic.

[Michael Longfellow]

Depending on how I'm doing that day, it might be a better show.

[Grace]

So now I. I feel fine to say that we did edit it out. A part where she asked, what was it like getting fired? I just deleted that. I thought that was a rude question to ask.

[Michael Longfellow]

Aaron, you know, there's worse problems to have than getting fired from a television show. Go over to Sudan right now and be like, yeah, well, I got fired from a television show.

[Grace]

And this brings us to Trashy Kitties. This is Asia Bon Lie. And caption this drunk. She's drunk.

[Michael Longfellow]

I'm a big fan of getting drunk and. And. And just posting or DMing. So I threw out a first pitch for the Diamondbacks.

[Grace]

No.

[Michael Longfellow]

Got drunk. It was just like, let me do it. Same with the Suns. And the Cardinals didn't throw out first pitches, but that's how I got you. Only way I'm gonna dm, like people or organizations is funny if I'm hammered.

[Grace]

And, you know, it's like a girl who just graduated college and she's like, wait, yeah, that'd be awesome.

[Michael Longfellow]

No, I don't DM girls.

[Grace]

No, no, no, no, no. This is. But the. The people who are running your favorite sports teams accounts, hopefully usually a young girl.

[Michael Longfellow]

They were all very nice.

[Grace]

Yeah. Which you don't usually realize.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah. They made me jersey.

[Grace]

I'm not. I'm not trying to get you on nothing here, pal.

[Michael Longfellow]

Eight years, you say Eight years. Talk to the hand.

[Grace]

Now, are you one of those guys who keeps your girlfriend's name private?

[Michael Longfellow]

No, I said it on snl.

[Grace]

Okay. And her name is Kate. Kate.

[Michael Longfellow]

I keep everything else private because she's a shy person.

[Grace]

Smart.

[Michael Longfellow]

Someone will follow her. She never posts. Someone will follow her. She'd be like, who is this? And do like a big research. It's like, who cares? Just you. Like, 200 followers. Who cares? No profile picture. Who is this? Are they coming for us?

[Grace]

She says she knows you.

[Michael Longfellow]

How?

[Grace]

How does she know you?

[Michael Longfellow]

Doesn't even get that. No, they don't even send them out. It's just a. It's like user 997-8551. She's like, there's something here.

[Grace]

Is this your Reddit burner? All right, let's see.

[Michael Longfellow]

Asia.

[Grace]

Hey. The C for Michael.

[Michael Longfellow]

That's all you.

[Grace]

Long time listener, first time caller, huge fam.

[Michael Longfellow]

Love you.

[Grace]

If you ever want to.

[Michael Longfellow]

Thank you, like, move to Denver or whatever.

[Grace]

No, I saw you last time you.

[Michael Longfellow]

Were here and you should. Thank you.

[Grace]

You should do it more.

[Michael Longfellow]

I will be back in Denver and.

[Grace]

Sorry. And it's okay.

[Michael Longfellow]

Kitty cat. Hello, young man or woman. What an angel.

[Grace]

So you shouldn't move to Denver. Was that.

[Michael Longfellow]

I don't think I'm going to move to Denver.

[Grace]

Well, you should do it more.

[Michael Longfellow]

I would love to do it more.

[Grace]

You should move to Denver more.

[Michael Longfellow]

Put me there. Book me there. I did the Denver underground, but the one up. The one. Not the cool one in downtown. It was still cool.

[Grace]

I haven't done shows in Denver yet quite yet.

[Michael Longfellow]

It. Man, it's so close to being beautiful. The mountains are right there. Denver and Phoenix had much more in common than I thought.

[Grace]

Really. I love the clay. The clay mountains that you guys got. Yeah, I think it's beautiful.

[Michael Longfellow]

Come on by.

[Grace]

I think it's really beautiful. They have beautiful sunsets.

[Michael Longfellow]

Come on by. Terry keeps a good house. The guest room's open.

[Grace]

I don't think I want to stay with Terry, but I think I. I could. I'd love to come by, maybe have dinner with Terry.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah.

[Grace]

It sounds like you make some good eats.

[Michael Longfellow]

You get him going on a movie. This by Paul Thomas Anderson. That's how he talks.

[Grace]

Oh.

[Michael Longfellow]

Sort of.

[Grace]

Long not staying with Terry at all. Nice.

[Michael Longfellow]

Terry's great, you know, he sounds awesome. I just fine. Stay at my dad's. I'd love to. Which I love, but I really would.

[Grace]

Really hit it off. I know how to handle my dad.

[Michael Longfellow]

So I feel like I could just. I know how to handle my dad. It's getting tougher. Yeah, it was a lot easier the first term. I miss my dad. Is it him still?

[Grace]

No, no, no. He's been gotten by those message boys.

[Michael Longfellow]

But we just don't cross those territories. And it tells me there's food in the fridge. And I always got a place to stay. And yeah, he's always like, there's food in the fridge.

[Grace]

I did the bed up.

[Michael Longfellow]

Did the bed up. Your room is still.

[Grace]

It's not still my office.

[Michael Longfellow]

My room at my mom's house has been my cousin's room, my sister's boyfriend's office.

[Grace]

Why does she get that?

[Michael Longfellow]

I. They moved in there and it was. I would go there and stay and he'd wake me up at 8 in the morning, kick me out of my.

[Grace]

I gotta do banking. I gotta crunch numbers.

[Michael Longfellow]

It is that. I gotta crunch numbers and then on my other, other screen, play. Play an RTS video game. I love Steve. Steve's dope as hell.

[Grace]

Steve sounds cool. Steve sounds like my pals who don't do comedy.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yes. Welcome to the family.

[Grace]

I got, I got one more game for you.

[Michael Longfellow]

Oh, the ad lib.

[Grace]

Yeah, it's gonna.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, they said you could do it before. And I was like. That was like those guys on Breakfast Club that do a song, rehearse, freestyle.

[Grace]

I. I pretended that the, the survey, because I asked, we sent over like if you wanted to fill out the words beforehand like you said. But I presented. It was from the team. It was just me.

[Michael Longfellow]

That was you. I love that. When I ran a show, I used to like pretend I was the producer. I'd send a fake email, be like, sorry, we just can't book you. Good strategy.

[Grace]

So this part we might have to cut. I don't know if it would be fun. Well, maybe. We'll see. We'll see if it's fun to watch you come and such.

[Michael Longfellow]

I mean, I have a literature degree.

[Grace]

So basically what's going to happen is you're going to give me all these words. We're going to fill it in. I'm going to hand you this piece of paper and then you're going to read this direct to camera asmr if you can.

[Michael Longfellow]

Oh, yeah.

[Grace]

Okay.

[Michael Longfellow]

Seven hours later.

[Grace]

All right, I think we've got a good one here. Now this is Michael longfellow reading for Madlip.

[Michael Longfellow]

Thank you. I am 61, based in New York, willing to shave right into this camera, please. We'll have to look at this. Sometimes I will have to look at the card sometime. Oh, yeah.

[Grace]

No, no. Yes, of course.

[Michael Longfellow]

Hi, I'm Michael Longfellow and today I'm going to be reading a large mad lib for you with words I blindly selected before reading the prompt. I feel as if this is a super duper tiny time for me to get some things off my left foot. Let's begin, shall we? Let's begin, shall we? I'll do it then.

[Grace]

I like that second take.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, I've seen your fan edits of little old me and I find them to be tremendously psychotic. That one was accurate, but keep them up. So much so that I feel the need to sprint when I see them. On the subject of sight, I would like to see way more of the small of your back this award season in recent years, we've lost our melancholy for the small of your back twice. A lot of pages.

[Grace]

It's just four.

[Michael Longfellow]

I'm so despondent that they are finally recognizing podcast this year. It's about shitting time, Hollywood. My favorite podcast is the Tucker Carlson Show. God dang it. Hosted by Lockheed, probably. It's in the dramedy category and has been number 69 on the charts all year. The type of people who listen to this podcast are usually robust Tiger woods type who live in Cleveland. Think of a buff Tiger woods in Cleveland. Those are my kind of people. I'd like to use the remainder of time to speak to Nikki Glaser. Why personally, directly. I'd like to use the remainder of my time to speak to Nikki Glaser directly and give her a few dead pointers on how to succeed like a real man when hosting this. Was she already hosted?

[Grace]

She's doing it again.

[Michael Longfellow]

Oh, very good for you, Nikki. Nikki, I open for you the Tempe Improv. Hi Nikki, it's me, Michael Longfellow. Here are a few gritty tips on how to sleep the smooth as a baby's bottom globes. First tip, you have to remember only 420 guys. You have to remember only 420 guys are watching at home. All of the people in the audience are on oxies so they won't remember anyway. Second, make sure you wear a purple and pretentious scarf. Makes your big toe real iffy on camera. Lastly, end the show with a catchphrase like it's your money and you need it now. Everybody knows that if you don't have a catchphrase, you're not a true comic. I just realized this episode will air after the award show. Oh, well, I've been Queen Mary of Scott longfellow thanks for winning, everyone.

[Grace]

Thank you so much.

[Michael Longfellow]

Thank you. Yeah, that was.

[Grace]

That played decently.

[Michael Longfellow]

That played decently.

[Grace]

As. As a guest.

[Michael Longfellow]

Should I do it real quick again the first time?

[Grace]

Would you suggest me doing that as a segment another time or. No.

[Michael Longfellow]

What do you mean?

[Grace]

Yes, you were the testimony.

[Michael Longfellow]

Oh, Mad Libs are great.

[Grace]

Okay.

[Michael Longfellow]

But all the sentences now are Mad libs too, you know, Used to be a Mad Lib. Hey, that's just. That's just on the New York Times. Can I do a second read?

[Grace]

What's it.

[Michael Longfellow]

Can I do the second read really quick?

[Grace]

Yeah, of course, of course.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, I'm gonna do a newsy. Okay, cool. Hi, I'm Michael Longfellow and today I'm going to be reading a large Mad Lib for you with words I blindly selected before reading the prompt. I feel as if this is a super duper tiny time for me to get some things off my left foot. Let's begin, shall we? I've seen your fan edits of me. I've seen little old me and I find them to be tremendously psychotic. So much so that I feel the need to sprint when I see them. On the subject of sight, I would like to see way more of the small of your back this award season. In recent years, we've lost our melancholy for the small of your back. Also, the pages are out of order. I'm so despondent that they are finally recognizing podcasts this year. It's about time. Hollywood. My favorite podcast is the Tucker Carlson show hosted by Lockheed. It's in the dramedy category and has been number 69 on the charts all year. The type of people who listen to this podcast are usually robust Tiger woods types who live in Cleveland. Those are my kind of people. That's all I'll do on the second read.

[Grace]

Thank you so much. You're hired.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yes, I could. I got time. I could really use a job. Right?

[Grace]

We pay in Dave and Buster cards, so.

[Michael Longfellow]

Oh my God, we're all winning. Winning. Choose to lean into it. Every Mazda is engineered to give you effortless control.

[Grace]

Awake up.

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Grace]

Oh, and then this is the little walk down memory lane. Maybe. Maybe the fans have seen these before, but maybe my s just really good at finding some creepy pictures from way back when.

[Michael Longfellow]

I'll be the judge of that. Nora. Nora, are you on the edge of your seat?

[Grace]

You have, like, no back. No. Oh, I hate when that happens. You have a. You're squeaky clean, aren't you?

[Michael Longfellow]

Oh, I was the only comic on NBC's Bring the Funny that they had to delete. No tweets for, which was kind of embarrassing. I was like, n. There's smart and good. There's something on that.

[Grace]

I'm sure I've got something.

[Michael Longfellow]

But no. Yeah. Quit being dumb on Twitter and ruining your dumb life.

[Grace]

Now, these pictures, this is called disgraceful receipts. It's pictures from your past. And you're just gonna explain them maybe in three or four words.

[Michael Longfellow]

I don't fear my past.

[Grace]

Two, three.

[Michael Longfellow]

Oh, yes. Okay. So that was a picture taken at this recording studio in Hollywood. I did a show for Tony Visick, who is the man that taught the comedy class my mom signed me up for when I was 18. Didn't want to do it.

[Grace]

She signed you up when you were 18?

[Michael Longfellow]

I told her I wanted to do stand up maybe, and I think she was like, oh, my God, he has any interests at all. And so she signed me up and made me go. And it was me and a bunch of senior citizens who became my friends. And you know what? It was a great way to start comedy. And then I interned for him because I did. I wasn't going to pay for.

[Grace]

Oh, yeah, that's the hat.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah. So I interned for him my whole college.

[Grace]

You do a little grunt so you can get a little free out of it.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah. But they had an alien doll, so I took a picture with them.

[Grace]

That's an 18 year old boy with.

[Michael Longfellow]

A passion that is 21 or 2.

[Grace]

I don't see age up next.

[Michael Longfellow]

I don't age.

[Grace]

An old tweet. Too many guys that look like they do coke also own Honda Civics.

[Michael Longfellow]

C. I don't think I tweeted that. All right, is that a real tweet?

[Grace]

Do you have long? Michael Longfellow with three W's?

[Michael Longfellow]

My stepbrothers owned Honda Civics. And that's. Wait, what'd you say? Long. I do have three W's. That's a tweet.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Michael Longfellow]

That's an unusually 2015 I tweet. Oh, okay. Yeah, we went dark I was tweeting ASAP Rocky lyrics back then, for God's sakes. She said her pistol. Go.

[Grace]

April 13, 2015. I wish the barista would see me tip the jar before my poor drink.

[Michael Longfellow]

What?

[Grace]

Can you read that? I'm not gonna read it.

[Michael Longfellow]

I wish the barista would see me tip the jar before they pour my drink. I bet they'd extra whip cream me up, down and all around I bet they'd extra whip cream me up, down and all around.

[Grace]

Poor spell like a poor person.

[Michael Longfellow]

Literature degree at Arizona State University.

[Grace]

Listen, I couldn't even read it.

[Michael Longfellow]

What am I spelling for? We don't got a phone. These kids on TV are wasting their time. A lot of tweets from the old days. I prefer Michael instead of Mike, unless I'm alone in my kitchen after catching a fork I almost dropped, in which case my appropriate titles become Big Mike or Attaway, kid. Not terrible. What year was that?

[Grace]

2019.

[Michael Longfellow]

Pre covered. Different person.

[Grace]

Yeah, we were just.

[Michael Longfellow]

This was all dirt back then.

[Grace]

There was no dark yet.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, it did get weird.

[Grace]

All right.

[Michael Longfellow]

Was that it?

[Grace]

No.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, I played lacrosse.

[Commercial Announcer]

Nice.

[Michael Longfellow]

That would come up. Defensive pole. Pretty much just hit people with a big stick. Played the last two years of high school because my friends that played World of Warcraft signed up. Our parents said you have to do an instrument or sports. So we all played the cross for two years.

[Grace]

The parents banded together out of the. The trio.

[Michael Longfellow]

I mean, maybe that's just why I signed up, but then they were also signing up, so we were, I guess, lax bros in a way. But we were also. We were, like, not cool on the lax team, even. But I. I was great at face offs. All right, I'll get that ball started.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Michael Longfellow]

Hell yeah.

[Grace]

That's like. It's a time to shine.

[Michael Longfellow]

It's my time.

[Grace]

You've always been a star, kid.

[Michael Longfellow]

I've done my. I've not been a starter, but a star.

[Grace]

I'm gonna need to know where you get this, because I. I think I need some of that.

[Michael Longfellow]

Oh, that's Joe Rogan's on it. Alpha brain. I. That's a text I sent to Andy Lopez. How do you have that?

[Grace]

I don't know.

[Michael Longfellow]

Did I tweet that?

[Grace]

It's on Twitter, and I forget. Oh, got creepy. And I was not gonna have my.

[Michael Longfellow]

Sisters back on that, so Joe Rogan tweets. Well, a lot of people do. It's alpha brain. It's. You know the term brain fog, which. I don't even know what that is.

[Grace]

Is that like, yeah, it's like when me. When I'm trying to read out loud.

[Michael Longfellow]

It's. It's. It's snake oil. I was. I think I texted Andy Lopez like he was doing something big. And I was like, do you need some alpha brain? I bought it once. I tried it.

[Grace]

How did it make you feel?

[Michael Longfellow]

I felt nothing.

[Grace]

It's clinically studied. Yeah, it says it on the bottle. Nothing.

[Michael Longfellow]

I feel like you know how easy it is to get. That said. Is it FDA approved? No, no.

[Grace]

Shown to help support memory and focus.

[Michael Longfellow]

It's got alpha GPC and L theanine and all the other bullshit all these things have.

[Grace]

So now we do have a text. And this I hope was on Twitter too. Okay. This was also on Twitter.

[Michael Longfellow]

Oh, yeah. My sister sent me that. My mom goes super. She's amazing with holidays and Halloween. She decks. She makes the whole place a haunted house. And I guess she found. She just put some clothes of mine on a dummy. I wasn't home that year. I was at snl. What's my sister. I just want you to know mom put a dead body in the pool for decoration and it looks a lot like you.

[Grace]

Yeah, that'll do something.

[Michael Longfellow]

It does look a lot like me. It was kind of unsettling. But you got to come to my mom's Halloween. It's. It's amazing.

[Grace]

My dad. My dad will pretend to be a mannequin and scare little children because they have to earn the big candy bars.

[Michael Longfellow]

Love that attitude. I think my dad, I don't know, probably answers the door with a gun. Just kidding. But he has like 19. He's been preparing.

[Grace]

That's what he said. Just kidding.

[Michael Longfellow]

Preparing for a home invasion his whole life.

[Grace]

Oh, really?

[Michael Longfellow]

Oh, yeah.

[Grace]

I mean, it's been the perfect state for that. I feel like there's like, when I.

[Michael Longfellow]

Stay with him, I put coffee cups in front of the. The in the in house cameras and it drives them crazy.

[Grace]

That's awesome.

[Michael Longfellow]

What's this? That's just a good headshot. Where was that cameo? Oh, yeah, I think my hair was super long, so I was like, you know, you probably don't recognize me. Let it. Get it to how it is on. On tv. And then I just, you know, perfect.

[Grace]

Shooshed it up.

[Michael Longfellow]

Quit posting the cameos, guys. That's for you.

[Grace]

All right. And this is the last one.

[Michael Longfellow]

Now that's a guy who used to pitch.

[Grace]

That's something to hang out on.

[Michael Longfellow]

That was a. That was my first dream as a child. Throwing out a first pitch at Chase Field. The Arizona Diamondbacks. I bounced it off the plate.

[Grace]

That's the name of your team.

[Michael Longfellow]

Arizona Diamondbacks. We beat the New York Yankees.

[Grace]

I've never even heard.

[Michael Longfellow]

Well you should because we're in New York. And remember 9 11, 2001. Guess who won the World Series a month later against New York Yankees. I never thought about that until I got older. But I was like, ah, they should have won. But this is our year. They attacked America, not just New York.

[Grace]

That's true.

[Michael Longfellow]

And sorry we had Randy Johnson.

[Grace]

I don't know if I'm gonna. I don't want to die on that hill.

[Michael Longfellow]

Well, no. 9 11, New York. You get it. My mom's birthday is on 9 11. That's 100% true. Do you know we have all the.

[Grace]

Respect many people with the birthday 9 11. You haven't noticed that?

[Michael Longfellow]

I. I don't know if I've met anyone other than my mom.

[Grace]

Oh, Connor Wood. Shut up.

[Michael Longfellow]

Connor Wood. I remember the day it happened. 2001. She's crying in the kitchen. I thought here comes 40. Sorry, that's a joke. It was the largest domestic terrorist ever.

[Grace]

That's good. That's good.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, but we did win in the year the Yankees should have won the most.

[Grace]

I just always thought that the third.

[Michael Longfellow]

Year expansion team is our third year of existence.

[Grace]

I always thought your baseball team was the Cardinals.

[Michael Longfellow]

That's our football team.

[Grace]

So confusing.

[Michael Longfellow]

And then our basketball team.

[Grace]

That's going to be the Arizona Raptors.

[Michael Longfellow]

Whoa. Toronto Raptors, Phoenix Suns. Now who is our mascot? You say, who is our now defunct hockey team? Two years ago we had an NHL team.

[Grace]

And then the red faces or something along those lines.

[Michael Longfellow]

What the fuck?

[Grace]

I don't know. You said it.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, it was the red faces, the red skins. It was the Arizona Coyotes.

[Grace]

Oh, you said it was changed, so I thought it was probably racist.

[Michael Longfellow]

I mean you're fair to assume.

[Grace]

I thought maybe they had a sunburn. You, you. Your head went dark. I get I'm red face right now because I'm blushing.

[Michael Longfellow]

Great. And we were talking about. Grace is big on bringing the Redskins name back. It's an honoring of them. That was. That's what she said.

[Grace]

What a great way to start off the year by saying something just borderline righteousness.

[Michael Longfellow]

I've got a good feeling. I've got a good feeling with 2026 grace.

[Grace]

You know what? If they're talking, they're talking.

[Michael Longfellow]

I think it's going to be a good year for Grace.

[Grace]

I think it's going to be a great year for Mr. Longfellow.

[Michael Longfellow]

Well, you know.

[Grace]

And I'm not talking about your father.

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah.

[Grace]

Now, at the end of each podcast, this is your time to just shout out. Shout out things. Shout out places, shout out whatever the hell you want to shout out. And tell them where to find you.

[Michael Longfellow]

All right? Shout out. Phoenix, Arizona. Shout out Five Iron Golf simulator. Went there every day after I got canned for three months. I'm decent at golf now. Shout out Colin Jost for getting me into golf. Shout out my homie James, who I brought to an SNL party. College roommate. He brought a few. He was there on a business trip, brought a few ladies, and I figured they must work together. And then my girlfriend asked them after four hours, where'd you meet James? And they're like, we met him at a bar 20 minutes before this.

[Grace]

That is that guy.

[Michael Longfellow]

That's why I love you, James. But also jb.

[Grace]

Careful, jj.

[Michael Longfellow]

Shout out.

[Grace]

Extend a favor.

[Michael Longfellow]

Women. Not everything has to be a joke up here, all right? And you can find me on the road. Go to Michael Longfellow.com or click on my comey link in my Instagram bio. I'm currently on the Worries if not tour. My last tour was no Worries if not when I had that money out. So hours hot right now. We're about to shoot it.

[Grace]

Is that true?

[Michael Longfellow]

Yeah, that is true. Yeah, it's exciting. So come see it before it's. Come see it in its peak form. And then also, I mean, I just dropped my gamer tag on Instagram, so you can just find me on Xbox. A bad idea, rug gals. Find me on Twitter at. It's all my name. I'm not on Facebook anymore. I have an account, but I don't. I won't see a message if you send it. Find Me by shout Out. Bones Underground. God, Bones.

[Grace]

These gamer tags now.

[Michael Longfellow]

Team Sesh. Shout Out Drake. He follows me on Instagram a month before Kendrick made him up. I don't know. He just posted me, yo. What?

[Grace]

Yeah, dude. In a carousel with him and his mom.

[Michael Longfellow]

He liked a deep crowd work clip. It wasn't even SNL related. Yeah, very cool. We miss you, champagne. Poppy.

[Grace]

We love you, our dog. You keep things humble in the six.

[Michael Longfellow]

You get the people moving. I'm in Toronto February 5th and 6th. Find me there. And otherwise, don't find me. You'll never. I stay in the house.

[Grace]

All right, that's been Michael Longfellow, everybody.

[Michael Longfellow]

Thank you so much.

[Grace]

Happy 2026. And we are back, baby. Numbers are gonna go through the roof.

[Michael Longfellow]

This is the year.

[Grace]

Oh yeah, baby.

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Michael Longfellow]

Power.

[Commercial Announcer]

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