Anything Goes (Part 2)

Summary

Distractible Podcast - "Anything Goes (Part 2)"

Release Date: September 12, 2025
Hosts: Mark Fischbach (Markiplier), Wade Barnes, Bob Muyskens

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Episode Overview

In this second "Anything Goes" installment, the Distractible trio masterfully blend off-the-cuff humor with deeply relatable anecdotes. Mark returns with tales of near-medical peril, Wade and Bob riff on everything from sports soreness to library fines, and the freeform structure allows topics to flow—from silly body grievances to serious commentary on work, wages, and even the psychological nature of inner monologues. This episode is a perfect snapshot of friends at their honest, hilarious, and often unexpectedly insightful best.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

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1. Mark's Hospital Fiasco: The Baby Carrot Incident

[15:20-24:03]

• Mark describes a harrowing and absurd hospital visit after a prank with his dog, Chica, ends with him swallowing several baby carrots without properly chewing, resulting in a severe esophageal blockage.
• The incident escalates into "one of the most painful experiences" of Mark's life, with paramedics, painkillers, glucagon (a real treatment!), and plenty of humiliation as he explains to hospital staff that baby carrots—not a heart attack—are the culprit.
• Notable Quote:

  “Boy, do I have a story about that. …I took a baby carrot, and I… crunch. And she really does look full. …So I did it again. …I’d done four baby carrots at once. And then I tried to swallow that all, and it didn’t go down very good.” — Mark, [16:03]

• Humorous asides abound, such as staff disbelief, Mark’s “waterfall of drool," and the surreal medical advice:

  “The solution to my problem… Drink soda and jump. That was the second solution.” — Mark, [22:49]

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2. Wade’s Weekend Vertigo & the Competition for Hospital Content

[07:13-08:43]

• Wade recounts a sudden, lingering vertigo episode that nearly sent him to the ER—but he refuses to “copy Mark’s content,” humorously blaming Mark for his life-threatening decision-making.
• Notable Quote:

  “My reasoning was, no. Mark’s there. People are gonna say, I'm just copying him. So if I die, it’s this guy’s fault.” — Wade, [07:58]

• Mark deducts “copying points,” introducing playful point-tracking that persists throughout the episode.

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3. Small Talk: Kids, Golf, and the True Nature of Friendship

[09:01-10:38]

• Bob shares life updates—mainly, his child James’s joyous discovery of a lukewarm hot tub (now a “world’s smallest pool”) and a recent golf outing with Wade where actual gameplay fades into background chatter.
• Mark, feeling unincluded, jests about not being invited (he was, in the hospital).

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4. Distractible Merch & The Ship of Theseus Shirts

[11:15-15:14]

• Mark showcases new podcast merchandise, notably two designer “Ship of Theseus” shirts, humorously lamenting that the best designs don’t even say “Distractible.”
• The trio riff on the philosophical conundrum and the challenge of branded merch:
• Notable Quote:

  “If you take threads out of one of the shirts of the Ship of Theseus and switch it with threads from the ship, the other shirt of Ship of Theseus. Are they the same shirt?” — Wade, [14:06]

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5. The Psychology of Inner Monologue

[35:05-43:44]

• An organic discussion unfurls about how interior thinking works. Mark describes “hearing” his own thoughts, even mishearing them (“How did I mishear myself? Who’s listening?”). Wade echoes this sentiment; Bob claims he often has "radio static" silence and rarely any real inner voice.
• The trio debate whether they can “hear” different voices in their heads and what that means in terms of personality, focus, and even sleep.
• Notable Quotes:

  “I was, like, floored instantly. How did I mishear myself? Who’s listening?” — Mark, [35:54]
  “I have silence in my head a lot… Mandy’s the opposite. She’s constantly thinking and talking. …I just have silence in my head a lot.” — Bob, [41:17]
  “My brain’s very active…” — Wade, [42:09]

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6. Life, Work, and Wage Ramblings

[48:24-54:47]

• The guys veer into sports contract negotiations and the oddities of NFL pay structure, using the Cincinnati Bengals’ last-minute dealings as an example.
• Conversation morphs into real talk about minimum wage, how it hasn’t changed in years (“It’s still seven and a quarter, man.”), and personal stories from their minimum-wage days, including food service and break policies.
• Notable Quotes:

  “NFL contracts blow my mind. I don’t get it. …there’s only so much money in the world, right?” — Wade, [49:31]
  “It’s funny because those kids think they deserve money.” — Mark, joking, [51:09]
  “If you're paid that little ... I would just go hide in the walk in…They weren't paying me enough to not do that.” — Bob, [53:37]

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7. Absurd Library Fines & Apple’s Penny Chase

[44:28-47:12]

• Bob reads a story about someone returning a library book 82 years late, joking about the $90,000 fine that the deceased grandmother’s estate narrowly avoided.
• Mark riffs on Apple’s attempts to collect a penny from him and pivots to a tangent about neglecting to promote free 3D printers, exposing his failures as an influencer.
• Notable Quotes:

  “Thank God Grandma’s dead would be how I would summarize this story.” — Bob, [44:28]
  “Hey, Apple, I want you to know that if you are listening to this and you are in any way able to get me free Apple things... why don’t I ever get stuff? Even though I got free stuff? Holy shit. Wait, I gotta make a promo video for Prusa…” — Mark, [46:08]

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8. Points, Games, and Unraveling Competition

[Throughout, esp. 43:59-end]

• Mark’s whimsical point system returns in force—arbitrarily awarding and deducting points for everything from insults and lies to well-timed jokes (“like a me!”).
• The game concludes with coin flips, debates about fairness, talk of “lie points,” and wheel spins that ultimately crown Bob the winner—but only after much mockery and self-aware game logic.
• Notable Quote:

  “Shut up, we’re sleeping now.” — Mark, about silencing his inner monologue and literally, the funniest deadpan comment. [41:50]

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9. Regional Pride & Grievances: Ohio vs. California

[57:09-58:47]

• Wade jabs at California taxes while Mark proudly says those taxes “pay for the benefits.” Bob and Wade discuss the ambiguous nature of Ohio’s regional identity, from “Midwest” to “Great Lakes,” all the while highlighting the absurdity of defining states by arbitrary terms.
• Notable Quotes:

  “Gulf of what is our country called? United States or whatever is better. Fuck the Pacific.” — Wade, [57:24]
  “We touch one of those [Great Lakes]. Touch it all over. We put all our nastiest shit into the Lake Erie lights on fire by us. Because it’s cool.” — Bob, [58:16]

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10. Podcast Banter, Advertisers, and Beloved Chaos

• Throughout, the trio banter about sponsors, dogs, and self-aware podcasting. The tone stays brisk and comedic, punctuated with genuine friendship and playful competition.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• On making listeners cry:

  “Have we ever made anyone cry on this episode?” — Mark, [03:40] “God, I hope so.” — Bob, [03:42]

• On merch design:

  “If you take threads out of one of the shirts of the Ship of Theseus... Are they the same shirt?” — Wade, [14:06]

• Mark’s carrot-induced agony:

  “I was eating carrots... And then I tried to swallow that all, and it didn't go down very good.” — Mark, [16:03]

• Mark’s hospital realization:

  “Drink soda and jump...That was the solution.” — Mark, [22:49]

• Point-keeping chaos:

  “I'm deducting a copying point.” — Mark, [08:21]

• On break times:

  “I worked there for two and a half years and... I never got an official break ever.” — Wade, [53:32]

• Comedic summary of the episode's story:

  “Thank God Grandma’s dead would be how I would summarize this story.” — Bob, [44:28]

• On region pride:

  “Gulf of what is our country called? United States or whatever is better. Fuck the Pacific.” — Wade, [57:24]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:40] — Opening, podcast purpose, “Have we made anyone cry?”
• [07:13] — Wade’s vertigo/ER story, “copying points”
• [09:01] — Bob’s life updates, hot tub, golf
• [11:15] — Mark unveils Distractible Merch, Ship of Theseus shirts
• [15:20–24:03] — Mark’s ER carrot story
• [35:05–43:44] — The nature of inner monologues
• [44:28–47:12] — 82-year library book, Apple and promo tangents
• [48:24–54:47] — Bengals contract drama, minimum wage & work stories
• [57:09–58:47] — California vs. Ohio, regional pride
• [43:59–end] — Points tallying, arbitrary game logic, winner reveal

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Tone & Language

Distractible’s trademark tone is effortless: quick banter, genuine self-deprecation, and affectionate teasing. While the episode touches on serious topics—pain, work, psychological self-perception—it never lets the comedy flag, staying accessible and hilariously re-watchable even for new listeners.

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Summary

"Anything Goes (Part 2)" showcases Distractible at its unpredictable, unfiltered best. Drawing on a seamless mixture of gut-busting stories (sometimes literally), deep dives into what makes us tick, and the unique alchemy of three friends who know exactly how to roast, challenge, and support each other, this episode embodies everything that makes the podcast beloved. From the perils of baby carrots to the existential mysteries of inner thought, it’s proof that when anything goes, everything is possible—and almost always hysterical.

Transcript

[A]

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[A]

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[A]

This episode is brought to you by Welch's Fusions, the newest drop from Welch's fruit snacks. We've got to warn you about the consequences of eating Welch's Fusions. It's like three dudes hanging out on a rooftop talking about the future.

[B]

Three dudes hanging out on a rooftop installing solar panels to provide a sustainable future.

[C]

Three dudes on a roof installing solar panels so that they can power their computers and record their brilliant idea for a podcast.

[B]

Pretty awesome consequences if you ask me. New Welch's Fusions are so good. Each one is a combination of two fruity flavors in one juicy bite. One flavor on the outside, another on the inside.

[A]

It's an unbelievable taste sensation. So they are recommended for experienced taste buds only. You've been warned. New Welch's Fusions. Please use responsibly.

[C]

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[B]

Yeah, we basically don't leave the Internet ever.

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[B]

This episode of Distractable is presented by T Mobile 5G Home Internet. Okay, how do you guys know when someone's really your friend?

[C]

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[A]

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[C]

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[B]

Guarantees monthly price of fixed wireless 5D Internet data exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Service delivered via 5G network. Speeds very new to factor affecting cellular owned networks. Guarantee exclusions. Detail@t mobile.com homeinternet Good evening Gentle listeners. Or watchers. And welcome to Distractable. This episode, Makeshift Mark kicks off, displays the new merch, then tells his horror story of consuming babies. Weekender Wade refuses hospice cohabitation, clubs, balls, praises the bangles, and earns dick as an assistant. Blameworthy Bob has a warm pond, a mute mind, and quotes a nanna's meme. From altered images to California philanthropy. Yes, it's time for Anything Goes part two. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hello, and welcome to Distractable. Oh, was it recording? How is it going? All right, cool. Hello, and welcome to Distractable, the podcast where you come for laughs, scoops, and maybe a few heartfelt boo hoos every once in a while. Have we ever made anyone cry on this episode?

[C]

God, I hope so.

[B]

God, I hope so.

[A]

Probably.

[B]

Well, I'm your host, Markiplier. The guy, you know, the guy you love. All the listeners, you know my voice, all the viewers, you know my face, you know my eyes.

[C]

They know your soul.

[B]

They know my soul. And I know theirs intimately. What's wrong?

[C]

I like what he's got going on here.

[A]

Little indigestion, I think.

[B]

Oh, indigestion, that's funny. Boy, do I have a story about that.

[A]

All right, just steal my story, I guess. Yeah, go for it.

[B]

I won't. Not yet. Not yet, guys. Not yet. Anyway, how are you guys? My fellow hosts. My fellow. I can't look at that anymore. Hi.

[A]

Oh, thank God.

[C]

I'm comforted. I like when you make a lot of eye contact. It makes me feel confident.

[B]

Good, good, good, good.

[C]

A lot of real, genuine, not at all disturbing eye contact.

[B]

Yep, yep, yep.

[A]

Indeed.

[B]

Edit out my yawn.

[A]

Double it or nothing.

[B]

Double my yawn. All right, this is Distractible, the game show where I'm gonna be hosting and subjecting these two to my whims. Where's my point keeper? Fuck.

[A]

Always love when you.

[B]

Hold on. I didn't know I was going to be recording.

[C]

That's true. To be completely fair to him, he had no idea he was about to have to be recording.

[A]

That's true. Only about an hour's heads up.

[C]

We were doing stuff. What are you giving me a hard time for? All right. Yeah, you Mark. Idiot.

[B]

Little mean. That's a little horribly cruel.

[A]

Yeah, he's hosting, man. You should go easy on him.

[C]

Ah, you're right, you're right.

[B]

I'm going to write some points here. Grubbing out an address first, but then I'm going to rub it. Points get you some points.

[A]

You got points for 6817 Markiplier Drive.

[B]

Yes, I own my own road.

[C]

Keep telling you, man, you're not. It's hard to stay inconspicuous when you live on a road that's named after your own self.

[B]

No, they would never assume. They would never assume.

[A]

That's why I live on not Wade's Avenue.

[C]

It'd be, like, stupid in every conceivable way. But how funny would it be if you just. If, even if it wasn't you, if someone was like, oh, God, I love Markiplier. I'm going to rename one of the streets in my town to Markiplier Avenue. And then just droves of people just show up. Like, Mark lives here, right? Where is this? Which house is Mark's? And all the poor idiots who live on that road. I mean, it's not their fault, but fuck those guys.

[B]

Look, maybe back in the day, my fans would be rabid enough to do that, but they're real chill nowadays. They're real chill nowadays.

[C]

I don't know.

[B]

Anywho, I gotta write points for who insulted me. Who insulted me?

[C]

Me.

[B]

Wait, wait. Did you insult me?

[A]

No. Bob insulted you. I was. I. I baited him into insulting you. That's points, right?

[B]

Well, I'm deducting points.

[C]

Yeah. Get him.

[B]

Who?

[C]

Hey.

[B]

Okay, that was agreement.

[C]

All right.

[B]

Wait. All right. Minus one point to Wade. All right.

[C]

Man, I can't believe how well that worked.

[A]

Ben, let's try and reverse. Never mind.

[C]

FA la la la la la la la la.

[A]

I'm fine.

[B]

So I have some small talk, which many of you know and many people have had questions about. But I'll let you guys go first. Just to bait the engagement, to drive up the viewership and the listenership, which is more valuable than the viewership, maybe.

[A]

Well, mine's meant to follow yours up, but you know what? I'll lead off with it because it's your fault.

[B]

What the fuck? You're not doing well, Wade. You're not.

[A]

Yeah, well, I'm gonna get you even more so over the weekend. Molly and I had a really, really wonderful lunch on Saturday. We went out, like, to a park, had lunch, got some shaved ice and came home. And I decided to go upstairs and change into, like, some shorts. I love sitting in basketball shorts. Get comfortable. And I got upstairs and I got hit with, like, just the craziest nausea, dizziness, vertigo spell I've had in a long time. And it's like, oh, man, that sucks.

[B]

Ugh.

[A]

Sit down for a minute and shake that off. It didn't go away. It lasted six hours or something.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

And Molly's like, do you think you need to go to the er? The hospital? And Mike, my reasoning was, no. Mark's there. People are gonna say, I'm just copying him. So if I die, it's this guy's fault. He hasn't texted back, so he might still be there for all I know. I can't be in the hospital same time as him. That's his content. Yeah. If anything bad had happened to me, it would have been your fault. Because I was like, I can't go copying Mark. Go to the hospital.

[B]

I'm deducting a copying point.

[C]

Okay, yeah, I get it. I get it.

[B]

Well, okay, wait. No, I shouldn't deduct. You didn't copy. But I'm gonna have this. I'm gonna put this under a lie category. This is a lie. Copy point, deduct lying. The deduction of a copy point. This is.

[A]

I'm worth twice as much because I would have copied. I would have done it. I would have gladly done it.

[B]

Well, I mean, if it lands on the. If it lands on the spot in the wheel, then this lie could either count as a point for you or double E against you. So that's true. All right.

[C]

That lie might go hard if you get lucky.

[B]

Yeah. I need to denote things that are lies. All right, Bob, before I get to my. My hospital story.

[C]

Oh, you know, I really. Not that much. I'm still sick. I made James his life. I had to clean the hot tub, and it got really hot, and so I was like, I emptied it, but then I didn't clean it. But then I filled it back up, and James loves it. So now we don't have a hot tub. We have the world's smallest pool. Because kids aren't supposed to go in hot tubs. It's not good for them because they're tiny. So we just keep it at, like, 90 degrees or whatever. Some, like, warm pool temperature. It's the fucking. It's the best thing he's ever experienced. Kid loves just going under the water, falling down, scaring his parents, thinking he's gonna drown, coming back up, laughing about it. You know, kid stuff.

[B]

You made James alive. That is true.

[C]

That's true in at least two ways.

[B]

You'd think that would be worth two points, but it's not.

[C]

You also might think that I would have done some other stuff since the last time we all talked and hung out, but, I mean, I hit some. Hit some golf balls. Wade was there for that. Yeah, that was pretty fun.

[A]

Yeah, I was good. I was good at it. Three times.

[C]

You did great, man. You did really. You did really good. Good.

[A]

Oddly enough, I was winning one round and then I forgot to play.

[C]

Then it was right near the end and you were like, nah, I'm not going to do anymore. And then no one hit any more golf balls for a while.

[A]

I was very, very bad. And I had one around where I was like, actually, I'm doing okay. And then, yeah, we just kind of were like, what if we talked instead and we all forgot about the golf part? It was fun. It was a good time.

[B]

Yeah, that does happen. Not to me. I wasn't there. I wasn't invited.

[C]

You live far away. And also, we're in the hospital or whatever happened.

[B]

You don't know what happened.

[C]

Yeah, well, you won't tell us.

[A]

Yeah, we know that our texts were ignored and you were like, oh, yeah. By the way, guys, sorry I missed this. I'm fine. Like, days later.

[B]

Look, a lot of people text me.

[C]

We both saw your Instagram post and we're like, oh, God, I hope he's okay.

[B]

A lot of people texted me.

[A]

Look, people texted me. They're like, is Mark okay? I was like, I don't know. He probably just needs content.

[C]

It's actually just a room you put together in your own house.

[B]

Just here. I'm gonna tell you about it. But before I tell you about it, I gotta show you guys something. This is just for the viewers. Oh.

[C]

Get the pixelation ready. Editors.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[C]

I saw a picture of that, but I didn't know it existed.

[B]

Oh, it's flipped, man. Why did I set all this up just to be able to do this?

[C]

Look, it's just not time right now. That bit is going to totally pay off.

[B]

It's going to be so funny sometime later.

[C]

It's going to be time for that, and it's going to be hilarious.

[B]

Yeah, okay. All right. Meanwhile, people can see on the wider angle the absolute mess that my room is.

[C]

It's really not that bad.

[A]

This is the filter to look like Michael Jackson at the end of Thriller when he looks up and his eyes are all fucked up. This is just that filter.

[B]

Look at this. Oh, my God. Is this what you think it is?

[A]

Listeners, I would describe what I'm looking at to you, but I don't know if I'm allowed.

[B]

Yeah, you are. Why wouldn't you be alone?

[A]

All right, Bob, you got it.

[C]

I would describe what I'm looking at to you, but I don't know if I have the words to capture such immense, inconceivable, conceivable beauty. It's the Triangle of Fairness shirt, I believe.

[A]

I think it's also reversed in the camera, so I'm looking at it backwards.

[B]

I. We already said that. That already was talked about.

[A]

Not live.

[B]

No, literally, like, 30 seconds ago, I said, like, whoa, it's flipped.

[C]

I was talking about that. I said that.

[B]

Wait, do you remember how I sat down with, like, man, why did I set all this up? The media thing I said before?

[A]

That was.

[B]

That's flipped. Why did I do all this for that?

[A]

Because. No, I don't believe you. I'm too good of a listener.

[B]

You know, if you're representative of all the listeners, no wonder we give them so much.

[A]

Listeners rise up and do nothing.

[B]

Like a me.

[A]

Like a me.

[B]

Like a me.

[C]

It's a him. Your leader.

[B]

All right, like a me. I'll give you one for that. Like a me, but not for listening. I want to be very clear. That's not a listening point. All right, but I'm wearing the official distractible merch. I bet you guys wish you had some of these. You'll have to buy it off the website if you want piece of this. Look at this. The Seuss.

[A]

The Seuss backwards.

[B]

Oh, my God. Are you really okay? Hold on.

[C]

Does it say assembly instructions?

[B]

Jesus Christ.

[A]

Hey, the Seuss.

[B]

I mean, the editors flipped it for everyone, I'm assuming, but you guys, man.

[C]

Yeah, Mark's just trying to make us look stupid.

[A]

Have you ever heard of the ship of the Seuss?

[B]

I like this one.

[C]

No, it looks good.

[B]

Yeah, it's pretty good.

[A]

They both look good.

[B]

And then we got this one as the last one.

[A]

Ooh, look at that fancy boat.

[B]

We had two people make designs for the Ship of Theseus, and they were both so good that we kind of just went with both of them.

[A]

If you take threads out of one of the shirts of the Ship of Theseus and switch it with threads from the ship, the other shirt of Ship of Theseus. Are they the same shirt?

[B]

This is just a damn good shirt. This doesn't even say distractible. We kind of fucked up with this one because people are just gonna buy this because it's a good shirt, but it doesn't say distract. Distractible anywhere on it.

[A]

No distractible whatsoever.

[C]

I don't think there's anyone alive who would hear about the Ship of Theseus and not immediately think, oh, I know that from the hit podcast Distractible.

[B]

Yeah, you gotta. You gotta put that in guys, when you can't just go to the website, buy that one, because it's just. It's about distractible, right? Man, we. We messed up.

[A]

Not even the back of the shirt. There's no distractible anywhere.

[B]

No, no, there's. I think, actually maybe on the collar. Yeah, on the collar. It's printed. You see it, right? Oh, hell, yeah.

[C]

Oh, yeah, I see that.

[B]

There we go. Distractible. There.

[C]

So it's on there.

[B]

It's on there. Yep.

[C]

It's happening.

[B]

Finally. God, how long has it been?

[C]

Honestly? Possibly like a year. I don't remember.

[A]

It's been so long. I'm not sure we ever had merch.

[B]

Yep, I don't think so either.

[C]

I don't think we did ignore the distractible merch sitting behind me.

[B]

Anywho, my story. So I was in the hospital. And I want to preface this. No matter how much you guys make fun of me for what I'm about to say, understand this was easily one of the most painful experiences of my life. Okay. Right.

[C]

That's a pretty high bar for you.

[B]

It is. Yes. It was actually. It was actually happening. It might have. If. If it lasted any longer, it would be number one, but. Yeah. So I was eating carrots.

[A]

Classic mistake.

[B]

You guys know how I don't chew that good?

[A]

No. I thought you changed that behavior years ago. I thought we talked about this.

[C]

Were you eating baby carrots or whole horse carrots?

[B]

Baby carrots. Baby carrots.

[A]

They were soft and chopped up.

[B]

I like how online people called it. Me relapsing. Like, I relapsed into not chewing. Go easy on me. Relapsed. Anyway, so I was playing a hilarious prank on Chica. And this is karma, right? This is all karma. So I was. I took a baby carrot, and I don't know why, first thing in the morning, there's like, right? I woke up, I went to the fridge, grabbed a handful of carrots, and I was like, yeah, this is a good breakfast. And I'm like, it's not the worst thing. But I was like, I'll do that. And then I went over to Chica. I munched one down, and I went over Chica, like, oh, I'll play a funny prank on her. So I pick up her paw, and I secretly pop a baby carrot in my mouth, and I go up to her paw and go, crunch. And she goes, she really does look full. So it's like, that was really funny. So I'll do it again, right? And I haven't swallowed any of it yet. Because, you know, I was still playing the prank. Only one can't pat my head and rub my stomach at the same time. So I pop another in secretly and I go, crunch. And she's like, she puts her other paw, like, on my hand.

[A]

Look.

[C]

No, please stop, Stop.

[B]

So I do it again. And then I think by then she gets it. I think she saw me put the carrot in. And then I. Then I put her paw down and I put another carrot and I'll crunch it down. I'm like, see, it's not that bad. I get done with that crunch a few more times. See, I was chewing a little bit, but the thing was, I was in the middle of the joke. So I did like four baby carrots at once. And then I tried to swallow that all, and it didn't go down very good. And I. It's like, have you ever swallowed something and it's like too much and you feel the pain of it because you go down. Well, that gets a lot worse the farther down it goes. So what happened was I got. I had the baby carrots went down and then they just stopped right, right around here, dead center of my chest, right? So right in the center of my chest. And I'm like, ah, shit, this sucks. Ow. This fucking hurts. So I go to get some water, and I know shit's bad. When I tried to drink the water, it doesn't go down, it just right back up. I can't even get water down. Oh, I start to. It starts to hurt even more and more because it's like your. Your esophagus has, like, peristaltic motion when you swallow. It kind of is the same as the intestines where it's, like, rhythmic. It pushes, like, it squeezes things down so it can get things done. So it's squeezing it, it's compacting it, and it's compacting into a more dense ball of sharp baby carrot bit, partially chewed baby carrot bits. After about a few minutes, I realized like, holy shit, this might be one. This is unbelievably painful. I am now convincing myself that maybe this is a coincidence. And because the pain is just me, literally just, ah. And strangest thing. And I'm sure it's just the body's response to try to clear something out. Waterfall of drool. Just like, I can't stop endless drool. But I know I can't swallow it down because it won't go down. So it's just. So I'm. I make it about, like, 10 steps towards the bedroom. I Think Amy was still asleep at this point. Call it to Amy. And she runs out and finds me huddled up against the couch, clutching my chest. Just drool everywhere. Horrible sight. She was horrified, called 911. Immediately we woo. Bunch of paramedics come in there, they take a look at me and I'm huddled over clutching my chest and I can barely get words out. Like when I say this was unbelievable, it was unbelie painful. And I was just sitting there like, holy shit, is this how I'm going to die? And so they get an ekg. They see it's not heart, but it's like the pain just like fucking. Because it won't go away, right? Because it can't get down, it can't go around. So I take a wee woo ride down to the hospital where I have to try to explain people over and over. Yes, I've had a heart attack in my past. I ate some carrots. It's carrots. I ate some carrots. Even the ambulance drivers who I convinced eventually came into the hospital and they were like, he's got chest pain, but it's not cardiac related. He ate some carrots. And the hospital staff was like, just because you say it's not cardiac related.

[A]

Doesn'T mean it's not.

[B]

So they get me in there and I'm trying. It's carrots. Oh, it's carrots.

[C]

Mark sitting in the ER going, I don't think this is how you fix a carrots.

[B]

So I get to the hospital room and they're all very worried because it's like I am like 9 out of 10 pain, clutching my chest, spasming. Ow. And so finally they do an EKG there. And they're scared first because the first machine that they hooked up to me was going, beep, beep. She's dead.

[C]

I'm sorry to tell you this, sir, but you're dead. Oh.

[B]

So they reattached the leads and they do it again. So, and they're like, oh, this machine's broken. But in the meantime they're just like, put another IV in. So I got one IV here, one IV here. Oh, it's carrots. It's carrots. They, they make me think I'm dying. So they, they, they, they get the, the, they get a new machine in and they hook me up and finally it's like, boop. Perfect blood pressure, perfect sinus rhythm. My heart has never looked healthier, right? So then they're like, ah, okay, all right, well let's get a, let's get the Doctor, and he'll talk to you. And I'm still in agony. So when the doctor comes in, I'm talking to the doctor as if, like, he would know what my chart said or something like that. So I'm like, ah, the pain, because it was going up and down, it pains back. He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't even know you, man. I don't know your story.

[A]

Where'd you grow up?

[C]

Well, you came in here. I thought we were gonna do all right. Were you just hiding from someone or.

[B]

Yeah, I think it was just because they were in. Because when it's a chest pain, they move so fast that they. Because you could die in a second. So they didn't write anything down. So they just sent the doctor in. And so I had to explain to him through all the pain that I was eating carrots and I played a prank on my dog. It's wrong. And then it was like, oh, you got. Oh, okay, all you've got food. Oh, that makes sense. Very painful. I feel for you. We're going to get you some painkillers. So they got me some morphine. Helped a lot. They got me this thing called glucagon. Made up medicine. Definitely fake. This wasn't real. Anyway, they get glucagon in me, and that dilates your esophagus. And I shit you not if that didn't work. The solution to my problem, he said. I thought he was joking at first. He was not joking. Drink soda and jump. That was the second solution.

[A]

That's what they did for Bugs Bunny when he went in there after choking on carrots.

[B]

I mean, honestly, I. I really casino. After they realized I wasn't dying. He was like, no, they try to make me laugh, you know, because I'm in agony. And. And so I'm trying. I'm joking along, too, as much as I can. And I thought he said, drink. Yeah, we'll get you some Sprite and we'll. You'll jump up and down a few times. And I go. He's like, I'm serious. Yeah, well, yeah, that's. That's the solution. Otherwise, they get an endoscope and they push it down or pull it out, but you have to go under for that. So they got the glucagon and they got the morphine. And I sat there for an hour while they were seeing if that worked. And then I started slowly drinking water. And at first, before the glucagon, it still wasn't going down. Then afterwards, it was, like, starting to Go down. And then I got another whole bottle of water. As soon as it was gone. Pain gone instantly. It was crazy. Which makes sense because when I had, you know, bowel obstructions, as soon as it's gone and not like, stretching your intestines or your esophagus, the pain's gone instantly. So I feel silly walking out of there, like, because I'm walking out, you know, like, no wheelchair for me. Just like, thanks. Like, an hour after I came in with full wee Woo. Like, everyone's, like, putting attachments to me. I just like, thanks, guys.

[A]

La, la, la, la, la, la.

[B]

But definitely one of the most painful experiences in my life.

[C]

I don't know how my pain compared because it's totally different. But I had. I had sciatic nerve pain, which basically, like, almost paralyzed one of my legs one time. It just got really compressed and pinched. That experience when you go in and, like, I was. I was sitting in the waiting room crying, like, actively, like, shuddering, like, it was the worst pain I've ever felt. And everyone in the waiting room was like, why the fuck aren't they seeing this dude? What's wrong with this guy? Because I just sitting there, like. Like, constant. And the moment when the doctors see you, I'm sure they, like the way you described it, they see you and you have chest pain, and they're like, he's fucking dying. Everyone get in.

[B]

Oh, the machine. Boo.

[C]

And the moment they're like, oh, he's not dying, everyone just fucks off.

[B]

And you're still.

[C]

You're still there, like. And they're like, all right, calm down, sir. You're fine. All right, Can I get a full history? Can you go back to age of 13 if you could? The huge switch from, you don't feel any better at all, but you feel like you're gonna die. To the doctors being like, we'll get to you, all right? Calm the fuck down. Like, you're gonna be fine. That doesn't feel great. I doesn't. It's not very fun in my experience.

[B]

No, not at all. Yeah. I mean, it makes complete sense. And I. The problem was, I kept saying, I have had a heart attack in my past, but it wasn't because my heart was bad. It was a drinking thing. And then I have to explain that. And they're like, what does it mean? I'm, like, half Korean. I get. You know, I can't process alcohol, right?

[C]

What's Korean?

[B]

Yeah. Which Korean? What does that mean? What does that mean? So, yeah, it took. Took a bit.

[A]

Which half Left, right, top, bottom.

[B]

Yeah, that's, that's what happened. That's why I was in the hospital. That's why all that occurred. It wasn't my guts for once. It wasn't. It was because I played a prank on Chica.

[C]

Yeah, I assumed you had like a bowel obstruction or something because you love.

[A]

To get those because you were pulling a prank. Without a carrot in the world.

[C]

I can't tell if he likes that or doesn't like that.

[B]

I like it. I like, I like it. Like, I like it. I like. That's a lie. I don't like it. You got two lie points right now. That's a plus point though.

[A]

I've not even been the one to lie, I don't think. Unless I did.

[B]

Anyway, so, yeah, very painful. Same kind of thing as an intestinal blockage, but yeah, totally unrelated. Not anything to do with my past history. I just, hey, chew your carrots. There might be something else. I'm gonna get a follow up and they're gonna look, I'm actually going to get an endoscopy just in case because if there's something else, because I've had baby carrots before, I'm not the best chewer. But, but if there is something else, they're going to look just in case. If there's like a lump or something like that or some kind of like if I've had acid reflux and haven't noticed it and it's caused like scar tissue up there, you know, there's, there's a possibility this could be something else. So I am going to follow up. Except when I called the doctor to follow up, this isn't my normal doctor. Like somebody referred to me, call them up. I was like, hey, I want to get a follow up. Because I was in the hospital and they're like, all right, what for? Like literally the attitude I got. Well, I mean I, I was in because I, I had a blockage in my esophagus. Uh huh. And they said I should get an endoscopy. You need to go under for that. I'm like, why? Yeah, like what am I supposed to say that? Anyway, they haven't called me back. I think I called the wrong number.

[A]

You don't sound like you can afford to go under. I don't know if we want to talk to you anymore, sir.

[B]

Yeah, like they referred me to the doctor that they have at the insurance companies that evaluate your cases over there.

[C]

This guy doesn't even know if you have to go under for an Endoscopy. Like we're gonna see him anyway.

[B]

So. Yeah, that's. That's my story.

[C]

I've never had that. But that's honestly a fear kind of a small time fear that I have in my head because I chew my food pretty well. But I'm the. I've had it happen where, like, I'm eating something and you like, take a big bite, and then immediately as you're like finishing taking the bite, someone is like, oh, hey, I haven't years how you do it. And I'm like, like, try and hork it down real quick because you're trying to talk or whatever. I've had a couple times where I like, it got down there and I started to feel the start of that pain. And then I took a drink and I could feel the water just like sitting in my. And for a second I was like, oh, my God, can that happen? But all like the couple times that's happened, after a second it just goes whoosh and flushes and I'm fine. But that sounds really awful. I can't imagine that's, like, really unpleasant.

[B]

I doubt there's many foods that can do that. I mean, you'd have to be eating like chicken bones usually for something like that to happen. I think carrots was probably the best thing for it because it's sharp, like, it's crunchy, but it's not gonna tear my esophagus like a chicken bone would if it was fractured or something like that.

[C]

Yeah, well, and carrots are. Are not very. They're not like water soluble. Right. Like, if you're eating anything with like, bread or starch and then you try and take a Dr. Even just your saliva, it'll eventually dissolve a little. Carrots are a little more like, don't do that.

[A]

They get more plump and firm and they keep growing.

[B]

Actually, technically, yeah, they. They do kind of plump up. But I remember that Bill Nye thing about he dipped a carrot in water and yeah, did that. But I. I think that all in all of the things that could do it, which are like the hard kind of foods like that, that's probably the better one to do it. Just harder to take care of.

[C]

All right, my next episode idea is you guys are going to have a baby carrot eating contest. Whoever can eat the most baby car one bite and swallow wins.

[A]

All right. A battle to the death.

[C]

Mark's all stretched out, so it's really going to be skewed in his favor.

[A]

Oh, think I've got my. I've got My glucagun right here so I can pre glue. I'm going to pre glue. Come expand.

[B]

I am not stretched out because I was eating some things and it's still, it's still kind of tender. Like it's sore to eat things. So I got to, I got to eat soft foods for a little bit.

[A]

You know who really wants to kill you are wagers and waitresses. Because they wait until right when you put a big bite in your mouth and you two like the first two chews, they're like, how is everything? Can I get you your, like, drinks Empty. Like, do you need anything? You better say it with your words. If you do, I'm not gonna notice your empty cup. And you're like.

[B]

I know, I know that's a stand up bit. And I know you're probably saying it, but I've never experienced that because there are many. More often than not. I am not stuffing food in my mouth. And I've seen you eat. I've seen you eat. It's every second you don't breathe, you just eat.

[C]

Never empty.

[B]

When we're going out to dinner together.

[A]

I occasionally come up for air. They don't wait for that moment. It's always the biggest bite. And I swear they watch. They like creep around the corner and they're like, oh, he's about to take the bite. Let's see if they need anything.

[C]

No, I honestly, I think Mark, spot on. I eat a lot. I'm like a big dude. I'm stereotypically. I eat a lot. I'm a big guy. You make me look like I don't eat very quickly and like I don't eat nearly enough food. I don't know how you do it, but I think it would be hard for a waiter to find a moment where you weren't in the process of shoving food in your mouth during a meal. I think that's a you problem.

[A]

It's like the former president once said, eat fast and carry a big straw. Roosevelt, right?

[C]

Yeah, I think that's. I think that's what he said.

[A]

Come here. For all of your history knowledge, listeners.

[B]

And viewers, did you see eat fast and carrot a big straw or Carrie?

[A]

I said Carrie, but carrot's hilarious. Because of what happened to you. That's tragic. Because of what happened to you.

[C]

That's what I meant.

[B]

All right, you know what? I'm scratching all this out. I don't want to do anything.

[A]

This episode is brought to you by Mentos Gum. Keep things fresh. It's important, right? And I'm not just talking about fresh breath. It's important to switch up your routine whenever you can. I just. I'm the person who can't help but chew. You put a mint in your mouth, you're supposed to suck on it. I'm like, swallow. So I kind of need gum.

[C]

You turn into a cartoon dog. I'm sorry. Next time we hang out, I'm giving you a mint just to see what happens.

[A]

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[C]

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[B]

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[C]

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[A]

This episode is brought to you by Uber. You know that feeling when someone shows up for you when you need it most? Yeah. We all need that sometime. And Uber knows that. Uber isn't just a ride or a meal delivered. It's showing up no matter what.

[B]

I think that might be them knocking on the door. And because they're, you know, Uber's really good about getting them right to where you are. It's either them or the FBI. I'm not 100% sure.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

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[B]

All right, so it is now well into the episode. The laughs just don't stop. Except they do now, because there's no time for really anything else we gotta go with. And anything goes.

[C]

Ah, darn it, I'm good at these.

[B]

Okay, you go first.

[A]

All right. What are we doing?

[B]

Anything goes. Whatever you want to talk about. There's things I could talk about that might not be topical. I could kick it off with something that is this. But I've also just told a big story.

[C]

How you gonna let. How you gotta let him off the hook when he just jumped in and told you he was good?

[B]

All right, I won't let him off, though.

[A]

Yeah, don't let me off the hook.

[B]

You're on the hook.

[A]

I want to talk about something. Our body design. I've been throwing football. I've been playing basketball. I'VE been swimming. I've been doing different things. And then, like Bob said, we went and played a little bit of golf, and my forearms hurt. I've been doing the sports. So why I hurt? Why those muscles, like, not recognize? I've been throwing football 20 yards for the last few weeks. No swing a golf club for an hour and a half, and you have to be sore. I'm a little bit peeved that my muscles weren't more prepared for that because I've been training them.

[C]

You haven't been training them in golf?

[A]

No, but they should know better by now. Like, if I work them out in one way, they should just be prepared for everything, because that's how bodies should work. Brain tell body be prepared. Body no prepared. That's not my fault. It didn't do its homework. That's not my fault. It knew we were golfing, like, a month in advance, but it didn't prepare. It did not prepare.

[B]

Didn't even take a practice swing.

[A]

It's like, it makes me do all the work, and it's like, why do we evolve this way? Pet peeve. I want to get out of there.

[B]

Okay. So did I tell you about my. I was tired, and I had this weird brain fart that made me question the nature of my reality?

[C]

I don't think so.

[B]

So I was driving, and it was like, I wasn't dangerously sleep deprived, but I was talking in my own head. And I forget what it was exactly at this point that I said to myself, but in my head. You know, you got the voice in your head, right? I know some people say they don't, and I don't believe them.

[A]

Oh, it's there.

[B]

So talking to myself in the car, and I say something in my head that I misinterpreted. I heard myself wrong, and then answered my question, the opposite of what I intended. And I went back like, oh, no, that's not what I meant. And I. I was, like, floored instantly. I was floored because I was like, how did I mishear myself? Who's listening? I was like, who's listening that could mishear me? What? What? I. I was. I was done the whole day.

[A]

You're having a Dexter dark passenger moment or something?

[B]

Yeah, I mean, basically. I mean, they've. They've said a lot, and I've brought up, like, the. The. I don't think it's even the right term. The bicameral mind. I don't think that's the right term for it, but it's like the experiments for the Two halves of the brain, like, how one's kind of a silent passenger. And it's like, if I'm talking, who is listening? And how could I mishear myself? How could I misinterpret what I said in my own head? How is it possible? Because I answered the question that I asked my wrong. What is that? Anyway, did.

[C]

Did both of you, like, realize the whole time what was happening? Like, one of you asked the question and the other one answered it wrong, and the first one was like, that's not what I asked you exactly.

[B]

Yes, it was exactly like that. Like, no, that's not what I meant. And that's what happened. It's like, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. That's not what I meant. And then both of us just went bonk. Wait, who's.

[C]

Listen, who.

[B]

Who said. Who said that?

[A]

Dude, you are one precious lens away from Smeagol golemming yourself.

[B]

I mean, pretty. I think we. You know, I think really, we all are.

[C]

I'm really going to have to stick to my guns and say that. I just don't have an inner dialogue. I just actually don't.

[B]

You don't see pictures in your no inner dialog? This guy.

[C]

I don't. It sounds completely crazy to me. The couple times in my life that I ever feel like I've heard a voice that, like, wasn't a sound I was physically making. Scared the shit out of me. It physically. It, like, scares me so much that I'd, like, go. And I look around the house. I'm like, who the fuck talk?

[B]

What?

[C]

I do feel like I'm talking in my head, but it feels more like if I was sitting in an empty room and I was just like, oh, I gotta remember to do that thing later. But it's. It's just silent thoughts. It's like I'm aware I would say it out loud if I. If I was alone, but I'm not saying it out loud. So I'm just thinking it, but it doesn't feel like I'm. It's just a weird thing. I feel like you're right. I feel like I kind of agree with you that it's like a perception thing more than a different reality thing for people. But it really just doesn't. None of my experience lines up with the, like, oh, I see pictures. Oh, I talk to myself. Like, I don't. I don't. I really doesn't feel like that there. There.

[B]

The majority of the time, I think it's like that, where it's like, it's not a conversation. It is just a passiveness that is applying, you know, words to what's around me. But many times it's. It's actual. I. I have a conversation with myself all the time.

[A]

I have conversations with myself, too, but I don't. I don't hear my. Like, if I'm speaking out loud, it's different. It's not auditory. Whenever I'm thinking, it's. It's in my voice, and it's in the way I speak, but I don't hear myself. I don't know how to describe, like, the. The thought process of, like, it's a conversation, but, like, it. It's lacking the auditory component while having the sensation of being auditory.

[B]

I suppose that, like, it's hard to interpret it one way or another because it's like you're not obviously not hearing it.

[A]

But I don't like the sound of my own voice, and I don't mind listening to my thoughts because it's not my voice.

[B]

You could have a conversation in your head with different voices?

[A]

Yeah. Then I can kind of hear it if I'm trying to do a voice, but if I'm just having, like, a thought, it's not the same thing.

[C]

Does it sound like other people talking, or does it sound like you're just being like, oh, I don't want to.

[B]

Go to the party.

[C]

We have to go to the party, you know, you.

[B]

No, I like, I think people get this when they. When they're like, oh, man, I can hear someone reading that or saying, that thing is like, I can. You can. I can anyways, like, I can have another voice in my head that is a perfectly different voice. I can either apply to someone else that I've heard in my life or it's like some kind of amalgamation. So it's like, yeah, I can have conversations in my head with.

[C]

That's weird. That's the thing that scares me, because I do get that sometimes.

[B]

And if. If it ever gets to the point where I think it's not me, then I know I'm in trouble.

[C]

Yeah. Well, that's when it's happened to me. It's been like. It's been like auditory hallucinations where it's been like, I thought I heard the voice from down the hallway, and it was like a woman's voice, and I'm like, fucking, I'm home alone.

[A]

I control what voice it is. Like, just now, I just imagined Morgan Freeman's voice actually sounded like Morgan Freeman. He just said, and I'm Morgan Freeman. Morgan Freeman. What a name. Morgan Freeman. Why are you saying that? Morgan?

[B]

I think you get, like, the impressionist version of Morgan Freeman, like, saying Morgan Freeman.

[C]

I always think of that. That GMOD meme of where he's like, they're playing like, prop hunt and one of the guys is like, can you help me? As Morgan Freeman? And the guy just goes, I can smell you.

[A]

I think that was gassy. Mexican, right? That did the Morgan Freeman impression. He did a really good one.

[C]

But I was gonna ask, so how much silence do you guys get? Because I would say the majority of my. Whatever the inner monologue, inner dialogue stuff is. The majority of the time I actually kind of just get like static, like silence. I get that a lot because Mandy's like the opposite. She's constantly thinking and talking. And so when we're sitting, not talking to each other, she'll just, you know, I'll have a face. And she'll be like, what are you thinking about? And I'm like, I'll think emptiness, blank space. And I. People always act like that's fucking crazy, like. But I just have silence in my head a lot. I just actually don't. Do you guys get that, or do you have a lot of constant something going on?

[A]

Mine's more like, I'll be either thinking about something passively, or I'll be remembering something, or, like having a memory or random thought. And then as soon as I'm pulled to, like, actively think about it, it's gone. Kind of like a dream. Like, I'll know there was something there. And it's like, I don't know. I zoned out, out. Like, there will have been something, but I will have lost what it was.

[B]

There's very rarely silence in my head. I mean, that's. I think most people have to meditate to get to that level of nirvana. I think he was just on a higher plane.

[C]

That sounds exhausting.

[B]

Kinda, a little bit, but not really.

[C]

But sorta like that. Like, how do you sleep when you're laying in bed? Do you have. Your voice in your head is like. And you're just like, shut up, we're sleeping now.

[A]

This is why I'm awake till like, five, six in the morning. No joke. That's why I'm up so late. I have trouble shutting it down.

[C]

That's crazy to me. That sounds so crazy.

[B]

When I talk about how I first was able to finally make myself fall asleep, it was, shut up, we're sleeping now.

[A]

Literally exactly that.

[B]

And I had to, like, you know, so, yeah, you got it. You gotta shut up. We're sleeping now. But, yeah, we got old quiet head over here.

[C]

Yeah, I mean, I guess I'm just a more elevated person than all you other people, but I literally just like.

[B]

Like.

[C]

Like that sound, that soft radio static is what's in my head a lot of the time.

[A]

I don't get that. I'm. My brain's very active whenever, like, you guys say something and I miss it. Like earlier with the shirt being flipped, it's like, that's because I'm always listening to you two. And also, there's always an inner monologue in my head also talking, oh, I couldn't do that. So I'm like. I'm like, oh, would that be funny?

[B]

No.

[A]

Probably shouldn't go with that one. Oh, let's. Ooh, that makes me think about. What were you guys saying?

[B]

I have the same thing, but I've just gotten really good at trying to pick back up where things are. I don't have a success rate all the time, but I'll snap to it. Be like, they've been talking context. Who's context? Who's context? Who's back in it, baby.

[A]

Another.

[B]

Nailed it again.

[A]

I have to lean into it. I lean into the. I wasn't listening because it's my thing.

[C]

I would never hear anything. I. If there's a TV on anywhere in the world and I'm trying to talk to a person, I can't hear either of them.

[A]

I can shut it down, but I have to actively be like, no, focus. Like, I can do that, but, like, if I don't actively tell myself, too focus on what you guys are saying, I very easily slip into, like. You'll say something that sparks, remember, like, oh, I should talk about that on this. Yeah, that's a good topic. That's a good thing to bring up. That's my small talk. And you guys will be like, wade. And I'll be like, fuck, yeah, I love Transformers. What were we saying?

[C]

Yeah, and you've definitely said that before.

[A]

It happens. It happens a lot.

[C]

Feels like the opposite to me. I have to, like, remind myself I'm supposed to talk. I'll just be sitting listening to someone, and we're having a conversation, but I'll just be like, like, yeah, like, I love what you're saying right now. This is so interesting. And then they'll stop, and I'll be like, oh. I respond, now, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I know this, but I was listening. I just love listening to people. It's Fascinating.

[A]

My brain picks up on every sentence you guys say at first, and then is like trying to think about what I will respond with. And then you guys keep going and then I lose context and it's like, oh, Wade wasn't listening. It's like, no, I was trying so hard.

[C]

You actually weren't listening, though. So I'm just gonna keep giving you.

[B]

No, he was listening. I wasn't listening at all. Actually. I. I opened up a completely unrelated tab just then. You could see by the light that shined on my face that another tab just opened and I was not paying attention. I'm gonna deduct a point for myself for not listening. Ah, that was a long turn. Who do I give a point to that for? Wade. Wade. Was that your discussion? You get a. You get a. You get a. Oh, wait, no. I already gave you this. Started from Wade's body design. Wait, no, that can't be right. Because it was something else. No. Yes. Brain tell do thing, dude.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You got a point for that?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Well, I have news. Thank God Grandma's dead would be how I would summarize this story. Library book was recently returned after being borrowed for 82 years. In the front of this library book, there's an old school stamp checkout check in thing. And it got checked out on. Oh, whatever, June. Oh, that's not even the book. Whatever. It got checked out 82 years ago, approximately. And there's a big thing on the front of the book that says, this is a 28 day book. Borrow every day that it's late is 3 cents in overdraft fees, which if you do the math, would come out to $89,790 after 82 years of not returning the book.

[B]

And that's not even accounting for inflation.

[C]

Yeah, no, that's just straight multiplying it. That's. That's. Yeah. But luckily the book was originally checked out by the person who returned its grandmother. And they were going through an old family home and cleaning out like an attic or storage or something, and they found this book and they were like, oh, shit. And they brought it back to the library and they were like. They left a note in the book, a handwritten note that said, my grandma borrowed this. She's not going to be able to pay you guys. Sorry. And then shoved it in the thing. And because grandma wasn't around anymore, Grandma had passed away.

[B]

Thank God.

[C]

Thank God. Because they would have owed 90 grand in overdraft fees. Sort of like the opposite of the situation that you have going on With Apple, where they're trying to get that penny from you.

[B]

Hey, they haven't sent a message since I think I'm in the clear.

[A]

They're charging you $6 a day for every day you don't pay the penny.

[B]

But what I want to know is who. Who at Apple listens to our podcast because that's the only place that I know about it and. Hey, wait. Nope, not that. Hey, look at me. Apple, I want you to know that if you are listening to this and you are in any way able to get me free Apple things, because I've been trying. Hey, I would love. I've been shouting Apple for a long time and no one has been knocking on my door to give me stuff. And I see other people get stuff all the time. Why don't I ever get stuff? Even though I got free stuff? Holy shit. Wait, I gotta make a promo video for Prusa. Oh, fuck. Oh, that's like six months old. Ah, shit. Oh, God. Oh, they gave me so much free stuff. Apple. Wait, listen, hold on. I can be trusted with the free stuff. Hey, if you want a free printer, get Prusa. They are the great. They have. They're so reliable.

[A]

Literally.

[B]

This sounds fake. It's true. I think I know why people don't give me anything.

[C]

That was a whole journey of self discovery right there.

[B]

Yeah, I know.

[A]

How many points did you lose for that?

[B]

Another one. Minus one for Proos.

[A]

I think you should lose a point for every day you didn't do the promo for Prusa.

[B]

You're right. Oh, man.

[A]

Hope your grandkids one day come in and turn this 10 because they trusted me so good.

[B]

They were like, hey, we don't need a contract, nothing. We're just gonna send you stuff. If you ever need anything, you just email us. We'll get it to. And they did. I haven't done anything for them.

[A]

I'm the worst.

[C]

You know what, Mark? It worked on me. When I buy a 3D printer, I'm buying a Prusa.

[B]

Okay, that's good.

[A]

I might.

[C]

You would just buy it and leave it in the box. Don't even.

[B]

They were being used aggressively this past week for another YouTuber's project that I'm helping out with.

[C]

So that's nice.

[A]

Yeah, so they're.

[B]

They're being used and they work beautifully. Except one clogged. But that's not their fault. They were kind of sitting there for a bit. And also the person who plugged them in used the complete wrong filament setting.

[A]

Yeah, 3D printers gotta really chew before they process.

[B]

All right, what's next? Wade, you're up.

[A]

Oh, shit. I had something. Oh, you know what? I've got breaking news. Ish. Yesterday, for all of my sports fanatics out there, I know who you are. The three of you. Tyler, really, thank you for listening and watching. The Bengals signed Trey Hendrickson to a one year contract. It's kind of wild. I know that's not something a lot of people care about, but this is a big star player that we've had for a long time. And they've had this negotiation going on for a very long time for this contract. And from what we'd heard, it was like, hey, we're gonna sign you to three years. You agree? Great.

[B]

We agree.

[A]

We're gonna give you this much per year. Great. You agree? We agree. We're gonna guarantee the first year. I want three years guaranteed. No, we're gonna guarantee the first year. No, I want three years. And somehow all of that turned into. What if we don't do any of the things we agreed to? This 90 page contract of which we agreed to 89 and a half pages, what if we just do one year and give you an extra 14 million? Yeah, that's great. A week before the season starts, basically. I don't know. I don't get it. Other players are being signed. They're getting these contracts. The Bengals know what comparable contracts should be. Why are they so stubborn?

[C]

That's why they're such a good franchise. That's why they win so much, because they're really stingy and they make sure all their contract negotiations are as awkward and last second as possible.

[A]

NFL contracts blow my mind. I don't get it. Also, eventually, are we gonna hit like a cap of like. Because every year, right, the next contract's a little bit more. A little bit more. A little bit more. There's only like so much money in the world, right? And we. I know we can keep printing it, but, like, eventually, you can't just keep increasing 10 people's salaries every year while the rest of the world stays in one spot, right? Something bad will happen, right? It's gonna be bad. Can't be good, right?

[C]

My understanding is whatever you said is crazy, and that's not how it works.

[B]

Yeah, that's.

[A]

I don't know. I feel like we don't get raised, we don't work normal jobs, but we. Even when I did, I did. I didn't get a raise every single year. It wasn't like, oh, you're hired as a clerk you get $7 an hour. Next year, oh, you're hired as a clerk, you get $10 an hour. That how it happened?

[C]

Well, I don't know if it should be a 40% raise every year, but I do think people probably should get a raise every year. But they should like match the pace of inflation and cost of living increases, which they don't. In America. That's pretty uncommon. But they should. But they don't.

[B]

Which is why it's so funny. Really funny. When you look at the whole minimum wage argument and how it hasn't changed at all and yet the inflation from the last time it was changed to now is. It's so funny.

[C]

Funny because it hasn't changed at all and it's totally still the same value and amount of buying power for the same minimum wage and everything's fine. No, no.

[B]

It's funny because those kids think they deserve money.

[A]

They're like 35 million. I want 35 and a half million. And most people are like, dude, 750 sounds like I don't know what the minimum wage is now, but for me it was like, dude, 750. 50. I would love 50 more cents.

[B]

Dude, it's not 750, man. It's not 750.

[A]

That's good because that wasn't much money even 12 years ago.

[B]

It's not 750, man.

[A]

Ah, 1250. It would love 1250.

[B]

Nope, go down.

[C]

Is it still seven and a quarter?

[B]

It's seven and a quarter.

[A]

Oh no, it's less than 12.

[B]

It's less than 12, man. It's seven and a quarter.

[A]

I thought minimum wage went up a little bit.

[B]

No.

[C]

Oh, when I got my first part time job, I think it had just recently gone up to 725. And I was like, yes, 725. And then that's still. That was a long time ago.

[B]

And it's In California, it's 1650, which.

[A]

Is basically like 350 in Ohio.

[C]

But that's a state law, not a. Not federal minimum wage.

[B]

Federal minimum wage has stuck. I can't believe you said 750. That's so funny.

[A]

Well, that's how much I made as an assistant manager was 7.50 an hour.

[B]

Oh, good. Yeah. Last time it's changed was 2009.

[C]

Hooray.

[A]

So hey, as assistant manager, I was making 25 cents more than minimum wage.

[C]

Yeah, more than minimum wage. So you're welcome.

[A]

Oh, we also had no breaks because we worked at a food place. We didn't have to be given breaks. We got to work a 12 hour shift with no official breaks and stuff. It was, it was.

[C]

That wasn't the laws, was it?

[A]

That's what the truth of the matter was.

[C]

You get like a 15 minute lunch if you work eight hours. I mean not like I know employment laws anymore. Whatever that seems wrong. I worked at. I worked at like Jimmy John's and pizza places. I only worked at food places. And we always got. You always got like a 15 minute lunch. If you had more. More than an eight hour shift.

[B]

15 minute lunch. That's. Holy shit.

[A]

That's so nice. That's more than I got.

[C]

Yeah, well it was called lunch but it's just a break. You get one for. Per eight or more hours. You get one 15 minute break. Was what we always lived with.

[A]

My memory is not the best. Maybe I'm remembering wrong in the middle.

[C]

There somewhere you get 15 minutes to go to the bathroom or something.

[A]

But I worked there for two and a half years and I'm pretty sure. Two years. I'm sure I never got an official break ever.

[C]

I was a delivery driver so we would just go hide in the walk in or just not come back for a while from delivery. So I found breaks but. But they weren't, they weren't paying me enough to not do that.

[B]

Yeah. If you're paid that little. And it's. You know, it's been a while since I worked a job like that and I've worked my fair share. I don't even remember at that sushi place did we get any breaks. I never really took a break anyway because I was standing around most of the time anyway.

[C]

We didn't really get official breaks. I was always a busser. I never. You switched and I never switched. My only breaks I remember was you could stand and dry glasses and that was like you could sort of lean in the back and dry glasses and that was it.

[B]

Oh yeah. Yeah.

[C]

We never really had like a break break. But you. They would give us. They would feed us. If you started or before dinner started you would come in and you could get family meal or whatever and it was really good.

[B]

That's why that job was so great. And then when I got. When I couldn't go back to it because I had my. My whole explosion going on.

[C]

Your inside explosion.

[B]

Actually it was after that I had my back. I had a lot of back pain for some reason. I think it was related. It was either before. I can't remember when it was but that was a great job. And then I Probably Ohio nor federal.

[A]

Law requires a place to legally give you a break. So you can be worked 12 hours with no meal or rest breaks.

[C]

All right, well that must have just been policy at the places that I worked.

[A]

But most good places give them, I.

[C]

Mean 15 minutes, 15 minute break in an eight hour shift. Really not asking that much.

[B]

Ohio, not too great, huh?

[C]

Man, next time I go work my minimum wage job, I'll let you know how hard it is.

[A]

Oh man.

[C]

Honestly, if you're hiring people for a specific job or task or something and they get all their work done, why do you fucking care what they do? If you, if I pay you to work a full time job which is 40 hours a week and you can do every single thing I expect of you in 38 hours or 35 hours or 25 hours, who fucking cares? I guess I could be like, well, I should assign you more work. But like that's not how jobs work. If you do your job, you do it well. Good job. The whole obsession with like, you gotta be in the office, you gotta be available in certain areas. Like man, you guys need fucking life. You guys need something outside of work to care about. Don't you have like a family or something or anything?

[A]

Not anymore.

[C]

Maybe that's judgy and shitty of me, but I never, never understood the obsession with that sort of stuff.

[B]

This episode is brought to you by FXX and Hulu. Futurama returns on September 15.

[C]

I love this show. It's a great show. I'm excited for another season.

[B]

Anyway, the Planet Express crew is back defying gravity and common sense from the creator of The Simpsons. Come 10 new episodes where the romance is hotter, the threats are bigger and the action is harder.

[C]

Don't miss the all new season of Futurama returning September 15th at 8pm Watch it on FXX or stream it on Hulu. Don't chew on that, Max.

[A]

Cooper loves that shoe too.

[C]

Oh, now he's into Cooper's food. Wow, he is loving it. What do you feed Cooper?

[A]

Blue Buffalo Life Protection Formula.

[C]

He never leaves a crumb.

[B]

I love it because it's made with.

[C]

High quality protein, nutrient rich fruits and.

[A]

Veggies and wholesome whole grains.

[C]

Looks like we're switching to Blue Blue Buffalo foods are made with the superior ingredients your dog needs to thrive.

[B]

Can your dog food say that?

[A]

Visit feedbluefood.com to learn more.

[B]

So that'll bring us to a conclusion. Wade, you got anything negative to say about California? Be careful, my pencil's on the paper.

[A]

Yeah, your taxes fucking Blow.

[C]

Got em.

[B]

Yeah. Our taxes pay for the benefits.

[A]

I don't care what fucking California taxes pay for.

[B]

I don't live there. Maybe you should. Boo.

[A]

Gulf of what is our country called? United States or whatever is better. Fuck the Pacific.

[C]

Is that where Ohio's located? The Gulf of the United States?

[A]

Yeah. Just twice removed.

[C]

It's like we're on the shoreline of the Gulf of the Gulf of the Gulf of the United States. You know, Kentucky.

[A]

We're considered east. Go Midwest.

[C]

Honestly, we should be our own region. There's all this stuff where people are like, Ohio's not Midwest. And like culturally a lot of Ohio is. But I get it because we're pretty far east. But we're definitely not East Coast. I feel like Ohio Valley. I mean, what are we? Great Great Lakes region is. Do we get to be included in that? Are we Great Lakesy? We touched. We touched one of those. Touch it all over. We put all our nastiest shit into the Lake Erie lights on fire by us. Because it's cool.

[A]

Thank God the Ohio River's never had anything bad go into it.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, It's a good river.

[C]

Good river.

[B]

That was great, guys. It was great. It was great. Man, Wade, your site is weird.

[A]

What does that mean? What does that mean?

[B]

It's. It's got two live points, some negatives, a scratched out completely thing going on here, man. You might want to flip that coin. So many. Right.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Unfair.

[A]

I'll do it right now.

[B]

All right, well, you didn't.

[A]

I didn't.

[B]

What is it for?

[C]

What's unfair?

[B]

I was gonna say, let me read it first and then you could tell. I declare unfair to your points.

[C]

Yes, all of Wade's points are unfair. I like this. This could go. This go really well for me.

[B]

All right, so if it's all unfair, then I need to reverse all of the points values. But I'll tell you, that's not going to help you.

[C]

No, I like this. This is good.

[A]

At least then they'd be fair.

[B]

You could have let me read them first. All right.

[A]

No, that would have been more unfair.

[B]

All right. Okay. All right. Okay. Where's my coin? There it is. Here we go.

[A]

Heads.

[B]

Tails.

[C]

Tails.

[B]

Tails. Sorry, bud.

[A]

All right. Very fair. Very fair. Points. Fair points. Thank you, Mark. For a fair game.

[B]

All right. So Bob, you got. You made James a lot. You can't hear voices in your head. Nerd. Shut up. We're sleeping now. Thank God Grandma's dead. And then there was a lot more discussion after that and I kind of Stopped writing. But that's four points for Bob there.

[A]

Low bar.

[B]

Wade, you lost a point for agreeing. For agreeing with me. For agreement, man. See, things like that, you could have said. You could have said. Oh, no, you both were in agreement that you should lose a point. That's what it was. Was.

[C]

Oh, that's right. We agreed Wade to lose a point. That's right.

[A]

I don't think I knew that's what I was agreeing to, but, yeah, I guess I did.

[B]

I have a minus one copying point, but that's a lie, so it doesn't count right now.

[C]

Unless.

[B]

Unless the wheel makes it count. You got one point for, like, a me.

[A]

Ah.

[B]

Then you got a plus one point without a carrot in the world.

[A]

It's because you choked out a carrot. Do you remember that?

[B]

It's also a lie point, so it doesn't count. Oh, so there was a point for eat fast and carrot something I crossed.

[A]

Out because Carrot a big something. Straw. Carrot a big straw.

[C]

He didn't say. He didn't say carrot a big straw. He said carry a big straw.

[B]

Oh. Actually, it was a minus one point, and I scratched it out because I felt like that was unfair.

[C]

Well, I think you should probably count that one.

[B]

Too late now anyway. And then you got one for Wade's body design, so you're a net +1 1. Unless the lies come.

[A]

All right, baby.

[B]

All right. Okay. We got this.

[C]

Thank God I set such a low bar.

[B]

I feel like the contextualization of the unfair. You can frame it in a way that even if it doesn't come up the way you want, I believe you could wait in the future. I believe you can use the unfair coin if you word your unfair carefully so that if it turns up the more likely thing, then you might still benefit. Benefit.

[A]

I think it's unfair that unfair was already used, and we should get to use it again.

[B]

Yeah. Too late.

[C]

Okay, Wade calls super secret double unfair. How many?

[B]

It's gonna be two.

[A]

All right, one man show.

[C]

What are we adding to the wheel? Mark?

[B]

Let's put another lie one on there because I. I want it to work. Wait, what are the lies Ones that are there.

[C]

So lie points count?

[B]

No, there's already a live points count, and there's always a live points points. I think there's a live point doubling.

[C]

Or reverse live points doubled. Live points don't count.

[B]

Okay, so lie points do count, but that wouldn't matter because he had a plus and a minus lie point one.

[C]

Oh, cool.

[B]

But. Okay, all right. Okay, let's do Another lie.

[C]

One is like, absolute value of lie points.

[A]

They all become positive.

[B]

That's. That was. That was how I was thinking. Like, all lie points are positive, so it's absolute. Absolute lies.

[A]

Absolute value. Oh, man. We're going into real math.

[C]

Five points, absolute. We'll definitely remember what that means. Yeah, I think we.

[B]

If you put the two lines around absolute, you, You. I think we all remember that.

[C]

Oh, I see where you're getting at. All right, all right, we got two spins coming up here.

[B]

Two spins. Wade, you have a chance technically.

[C]

Also, surprise. Golf rules is out here.

[A]

Still.

[C]

Happiest contribution.

[B]

You did make James alive. Boss job. But Wade was complaining about his forearms hurting.

[C]

I saved great granddaughter 80,000. $90,000.

[B]

That's true. I complained about pay, and I talked about my pain. So I think that goes to Bob. Now, wait. Don't get discouraged now.

[A]

Hold on. Pain payment, arm soreness. Those are. Yeah, I think Bob gets it.

[B]

You could still win. Win.

[A]

I could.

[C]

There's ways, theoretically. And it would be hilarious.

[B]

This wheel is dense. Oh. Holy.

[A]

How many points that give me?

[B]

All right, so you had two lie points. One negative, one positive. Now both of those are positive. Since they canceled each other out, that's a net gain of two points.

[A]

That gets me two, three. Wait, does the scratched out point. Was that a lie? Does it count now too?

[B]

No. No. Even if that did, it would still only get you to four. Bob has five points. Respin, respin, respin. Nope. That was really good about you getting the absolute. That's how lies can really come in.

[C]

Yeah, that makes lies a big swing. Actually, I kind of like that because the other ones kind of like, make them kind of like, ooh, risky. But that one's like, okay, well, Bob wins.

[B]

I think no matter which way I look at this, it's the winner. So, Bob, how do you feel as.

[C]

The greatest competitor to ever play the game? I feel pretty good. I expected this. I knew it was gonna happen. I deserve it way more than Wade does. And I'm excited. Excited to grant my glorious hosting another time. Time to the glorious viewers and slightly less glorious listeners of this podcast. You're pretty welcome. Thank you.

[B]

You're welcome, Wade.

[A]

I tried to say it was unfair. The coin disagreed, so I guess I'll swallow my lumps. Even if I still disagree, I will not be enacting the filibuster. That is my right for the podcast. I will just take the lump and lose.

[B]

Is that. Is that a thing?

[A]

We didn't say it wasn't a thing.

[B]

Thing. We didn't say a lot of things.

[C]

Wasn't a thing.

[B]

But there are implications that we have.

[A]

Exactly. But maybe one day, if I don't agree fully, I'll hold out. I will hold this whole podcast up. But today's not that day.

[C]

I do believe he would do that.

[A]

Oh, I would.

[C]

I was saying I believe.

[B]

Well done. Congratulations on losing. All right. Thank you, Bob. Thank you, Wade. Bob, you congratulated your big win. You're gonna host the next one. Everyone at home is beautiful.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

You get plus two beauty points. Hey, I'll give you a wheel spin. And if, if, if it lands on something, you're, you're. You're. I can't promise your dreams will come true, but they'll double in size. Your dreams will double in size or they'll shrink by half. Listen to these guys. My scream. Lord Minion777 I am Markiplier and have a good day. A podcast out your team Adjective used to describe an individual whose spirit is unyielding, unconstrained. One who navigates life on their own terms, effortlessly.

[C]

They do not always show up on time, but when they arrive, you notice.

[B]

An individual confident in their contradictions. They know the role, but behave as if they do not exist. New team the new fragrance by Miu.

[A]

Miu, defined by you.