Anything Goes (Part 4)

Summary

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Distractible: “Anything Goes (Part 4)”

Episode Date: April 13, 2026
Hosts: Mark Fischbach, Wade Barnes, Bob Muyskens

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Episode Overview

In the fourth installment of "Anything Goes," Mark, Wade, and Bob let loose in a classic Distractible free-for-all. With no particular structure, the trio riff on bizarre internet content, mishaps in medical care, AI and tech news, strange news headlines from around the world, and plenty of their own personal misadventures. The episode delivers the show’s signature blend of chaotic laughter, sharp banter, and surprisingly real stories—plus a healthy dose of fart jokes, pity points, and wheel-of-fate hijinks.

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Key Discussion Points & Segment Timestamps

1. Farts, TikTok Extremes, and Internet Rabbit Holes

[02:38 – 05:35]

• Mark, Bob, and Wade open by joking about judging each other’s farts – “That's such a good name for an episode.” (Mark, 02:50)
• Fartmaxing: Mark shares a TikTok genre of people trying to maximize their farts using odd concoctions (kimchi, pickle juice, high starch beans). “My farmax failed. I'll get 'em next time, boys.” (Mark, 03:43)
• Dog Medicine for Tough Hands:
  • Bob brings up the man who’s reportedly toughened his hands with dog pad medicine, explaining the bizarre consequences (static charge, hand calluses).
  • “His hands sound like they're made of... somehow glass or something. It's horrific.” (Bob, 04:13)
• The hosts riff on the dangers of internet deep-dives and speculate about the content they’re missing (or avoiding).

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2. Clinic Confusion & Medical Mishaps

[06:40 – 15:28]

• Wade’s Health Adventure:
  • Wade discusses recent heart palpitations, describes wearing a heart monitor, and tells the story of being mistaken for a 78-year-old patient, leading to an almost-procedure with three nurses.
  • “And they finally saw through the grey in the ball and realized I wasn't 78 years old.” (Wade, 11:40)
  • Comedic tension as Molly is dismissed from accompanying Wade, leaving her “swelling into, like, red rage.” (Wade, 14:39)
• Spousal Support Struggles:
  • Bob empathizes, sharing about being excluded from his wife Mandy’s pregnancy appointments during COVID, highlighting the universal frustrations of partner exclusion in medical settings.
  • “Every time we're like, can I go with her for this one?... ‘No, you wait out here.’ Like, okay, thanks.” (Bob, 15:28)
• Medical Comedy:
  • Wade is shamed by a nurse for having chest hair before heart monitor sensors are applied: “She was very upset that I had any amount of body hair.” (Wade, 13:38)

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3. Social Sidelining and Family Dismissal

[06:40 – 08:22]

• Wade recounts being repeatedly snubbed by James (Bob’s child), getting dismissed in favor of his wife, Molly.
  • “He looks up at Wade directly... regards him, and is like, ‘No.’ And walks away.” (Bob, 07:42)
  • Mark awards Wade a “pity point” for the snubbing.

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4. Failures of Technology: Delivery Robots Gone Rogue & SORA Shutdown

[22:40 – 26:59]

• Robot Mayhem:
  • Mark brings up news of food delivery robots smashing through bus shelters rather than asking for help, prompting discussions about their actual robustness versus their cutesy design.
    • “Apparently have way higher torque than you could possibly imagine. Low speed, extreme torque.” (Mark, 25:04)
• Bob’s Good News:
  • The AI video generator SORA (by OpenAI) is shutting down due to unprofitability—reportedly $15 million a day running cost.
    • “I feel like that's generally a victory for humanities. Human. What's that word? Humanity.” (Bob, 32:04)
• Disney & AI Mishaps:
  • OpenAI’s rumored billion-dollar Disney deal collapses after the realization that AI + Disney IP = immediate generation of illicit “AI Dishub” content.
    • “The absolute first thing that someone typed in was something horrific with some Disney property.” (Bob, 33:18)
  • Mark and Wade joke about being sued by Disney for their comments (34:00).

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5. International Oddities & Weird News

[35:07 – 50:11]

• Johannesburg Vote-Getting Gone Wild:
  • Wade relays the story of a South African mayoral candidate, who snorkeled in a water-leak-turned-pool on a city street to highlight neglected infrastructure.
    • “Vote for me...because where she went snorkeling was just like an average city street where they've had a water leak for years.” (Wade, 35:41)
• Penguins Causing Global Warming?
  • Bob jokes about a headline claiming king penguins in the Antarctic now have a 40% higher breeding success rate due to climate change—facetiously blaming penguins, not corporations.
    • “It's these penguins, guys. It's definitely not corporations.” (Bob, 39:47)
    • Jokes about “carpet bombing” the penguins follow.
• Japan’s Mysterious Growing Pipe:
  • Wade reports a 32-foot steel pipe unexpectedly rose from a construction site in Osaka overnight. The crew speculates wildly—immediately comparing it to a Mario pipe.
    • “A giant underground pipe rose 10 meters out of a construction site overnight...is this a big promotional stunt for Super Mario?” (Mark, 43:18)
• Wife-Carrying Race in Dorking, England:
  • Bob introduces the annual event. Discussion devolves into logistics: carrying methods, personal stamina, and the challenges for the women involved.
    • “It's not about aesthetics. It's about efficiency, Mark. It's inglorious.” (Bob, 47:58)

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6. Miscellaneous Banter, Running Jokes & Inside References

[51:02 – 55:47]

• New Zealand Charity Mishap:
  • Two teens accidentally donate a bag full of weed, an air pistol, money, and a police scanner to a charity shop.
    • “Apparently if you're a dumb teenager, you can accidentally donate your gun and marijuana to charity.” (Wade, 51:12)
• Diving into Gun Laws and Air Rifles:
  • Short discussion on New Zealand’s strict gun laws and surprisingly powerful air rifles (“air tillery” joke).
• Callback Mania:
  • Classic Distractible tangents: mispronunciations (“holster” for elevator shaft), song allusions (Kate Bush, “Running Up That Hill”), Old Testament God as a podcast listener, social media for divorced dads (“r/divorcedads”).
  • “We need to print out—like little bible-sized constitutional pocket constitution.” (Mark, 62:37)

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7. The Distractible Scoring & Winner’s Wheel

[54:55 – End]

• Point Tally Drama:
  • Mark tallies points for each host—pity points, negative points, all noted—resulting in a tie, leading to a wheel spin to determine the “winner.”
• Wheel Antics:
  • The first spin awards Wade for “made the judge make that face” (due to the snorkeling-in-poop-water story). Second spin lands on “most personal attacks,” discussed as either attacker (Bob) or attackee (Wade). Final ruling: another tie.
• “One Man Show” Fate:
  • Winner’s wheel lands on “one man show,” meaning the next solitary-format episode must be written and performed (primarily assigned to Mark and Bob’s dismay).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.” (Mark, 01:56)
• “That’s such a good name for an episode. We judge each other’s farts.” (Mark, 02:50)
• “My farmax failed. I’ll get them next time, boys.” (Mark, 03:52)
• “He looks up at Wade directly… regards him, and is like, ‘No.’ And walks away. Just fucking.” (Bob, 07:42)
• “She was very upset that I had any amount of body hair. I guess I was supposed to be an Olympic swimmer when I came in, but I wasn’t quite prepared.” (Wade, 13:38)
• “It’s just science… King penguins have figured out that causing climate change will, I mean, a 40% increase in sex. 40%!” (Bob, 39:35)
• “It’s these penguins, guys. It’s a serious issue, and I think we really need to address it. By which I mean, we should probably carpet bomb these penguins out of existence, and that'll probably solve all our problems.” (Bob, 40:02)
• “A giant underground pipe rose 10 meters out of a construction site overnight… is this a big promotional stunt for the Super Mario Galaxy movie?” (Mark, 43:18)
• “Do you know why it’s effective? Because where she went snorkeling was just like an average city street where they’ve had a water leak for years.” (Wade, 35:40)
• “We need to print out Bible—like little Bible-sized constitutional pocket constitution!” (Mark, 62:37)
• “Congratulations, guys. You somehow did it. I think you did it. You did it. You both did it.” (Mark, 62:48)

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Tone & Style

The episode features Distractible’s signature blend of irreverence, quick wit, self-deprecation, and friendship. The trio poke fun at each other's misfortunes and intellectual lapses, debating topics both silly (fart challenges, penguin sex) and unexpectedly poignant (medical bureaucracy, spousal support). Their humor rides the line between juvenile and sharp, balancing crass jokes with clever asides and genuine warmth for one another.

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Listener Takeaways

• Anything truly goes—no topic is too odd, gross, or meta for the Distractible crew, resulting in hilarious, unpredictable storytelling.
• The episode delivers classic Distractible chemistry: roast-your-friends, debate trivia, and make the mundane absurd.
• Even the random winner’s wheel is subject to their chaos, sealing the episode with a non-winning “one man show” fate for next week.

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Additional Highlights & Timestamps

• [22:13] – Mark details his 20-hour flight to Thailand and immediate return.
• [25:43] – Discussion of college campus terrain vs. delivery robot viability.
• [29:01] – The game is “officially” on: Mark starts flipping for who shares their topic next.
• [47:03] – Discussion of fitness, stamina, and carrying wives in races.
• [54:00-end] – Scoring confusion, negative points, and the final fate sealed by the wheel.

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This episode is a must-listen for fans craving the unpredictable energy, strange news, and rapid-fire riffing that define Distractible. Whether you come for the trivia, the banter, or the wheel, “Anything Goes” is Distractible distilled to its purest, funniest chaos.

Transcript

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[Bob]

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[Mark]

Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable. This episode, mogging mark jetsets blows off the boys, then talks robot talk. Wagtastic Wade gets dismissed by James, mistaken for a septuagenarian, shaved, sued by Disney and street snorkels booming head Bob describes doggy dogfisting chides, concrete constructs slam sora and carpet bombs. Proliferating penguins from flatulence maxing to dorking wives.

[Bob]

Yes,

[Mark]

it's time for Anything Goes part four. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hi, welcome to Distractable, the show where you're going to laugh and laugh and laugh because of these two funny gentlemen right here and sometimes me. This one's name's Bob. No, that I guess. This one's named Wade. And that one's named Bob.

[Bob]

Very funny.

[Mark]

Yeah, yeah. And don't forget about our editors. Editors. Make them laugh.

[Bob]

Fart noises never get old. Good one, boys.

[Mark]

Good one, good one, good one.

[Bob]

Who's okay over here judging farts? Who are you to judge farts? Are you the host? Seriously, are you the host? Who's hosting?

[Wade]

I don't know.

[Mark]

That is a good name for an episode. We judge each other's farts. That's such a good name.

[Wade]

God, brings me back to the fart genie.

[Bob]

There's no other level to it either. It's just judging each other's farts. That's a tough one. I think that One has to have homework, right? I feel like you have to record every fart you do for, like, a week or a month or something. And then we. We bring them in so we can talk about it. That's a tough one, but I feel like that'd be worth it.

[Mark]

You seen the TikTok about the guy who was trying to fart Max? No.

[Bob]

What's he like, eating? Beans and stuff.

[Mark]

Oh, man, he was eating so much more than beans.

[Wade]

What does it mean to fart Max? Is that a phrase?

[Mark]

Well, the video is like. He's like. And now, welcome to episode 39 of fartmaxing. I've got some super kimchi here, along with some fiber and some pickle juice and some high starch beans for maximum volume. And.

[Bob]

Oh, extra fart beans.

[Wade]

Yeah.

[Mark]

And then he got some spicy peppers in there. I was like, I think this is gonna be the greatest concoction I've ever had. And it just turns to him on the toilet being like, I am in the most pain I've ever been in. My farmax failed. I'll get him next time, boys.

[Wade]

Kind of hate that.

[Mark]

Yeah. I'm glad my algorithm didn't think that I was super into that, because I only saw two of his videos.

[Wade]

Well, now that we've mentioned it, it definitely will show up.

[Bob]

That sounds like a much funnier version of the have you seen the day 300 of spraying dog medicine on my hands until I can punch through brick walls guy.

[Mark]

Forgot about that.

[Wade]

Yeah.

[Mark]

What happened to him?

[Bob]

He's, like, still going. He's over a year. It's awful. Literally, he does it and his hands sound like they're made of. I don't even know, somehow glass or something. It's horrific.

[Mark]

Why would you want that?

[Bob]

He reached a point where his hands are so calloused that, like, they give off. They have, like, constant static charge. So if he just holds his hand near rice, he can, like, levitate rice because his hands are so fucking. His hands just, like, are infinitely statically charged because he's just fucking shoving him in buckets of rice 24 7.

[Mark]

Oh, man. That's really funny, Wade.

[Bob]

You need to spend either way more or way less time on the Internet. You're not seeing the right stuff.

[Wade]

I think the answer's more to see that. But I'm going to go with less because I don't know that I want to.

[Bob]

There's nothing wrong. Look, it's concerning because I wouldn't want it. And I don't know who's ever going to let that man touch them in the rest of his life. But it's fascinating that this guy is so dead set on having literal hands of steel. He could beat Superman. And in a hand toughness competition, presumably.

[Wade]

Oddly specific.

[Bob]

A bunch of nerds just raced into the comment section to tell me how stupid that was. But I bet he could do it.

[Wade]

I bet he could do it. I bet he.

[Mark]

I mean, he's obviously gaining superpowers right now.

[Bob]

Just hands. Nothing beyond hands. The rest of him is totally normal, but his hands. You don't want to let him touch you. You don't want to let him get a hold of you.

[Mark]

What is in the dog medicine? That's what it makes me confused.

[Bob]

So I don't know what it's made of, but it's for dogs who have, like, I don't know if it's damage to their pads of their feet. It's stuff to toughen up the pads of their feet. Right.

[Mark]

Oh, for the pat.

[Bob]

Right.

[Mark]

That makes more sense.

[Bob]

You spray it on dog's feet if they have like a wound on their pad or if they have like soft pads and they need to be tougher for walking outside or whatever. Like.

[Mark]

Right, right. Okay.

[Bob]

It's. It's for that. So it's literally four, like toughening skin. I have no fucking idea what it's made of.

[Wade]

Why does he just wear gloves?

[Bob]

Because then his hands aren't covered in dog medicine. What do gloves buy him?

[Mark]

Yeah, Think before you talk.

[Bob]

This guy. Why don't we even invite him to this?

[Mark]

I'm giving you a minus zero points.

[Wade]

Why go for dog pads? Why not like bug exoskeletons?

[Mark]

Exoskeletons, eh?

[Bob]

Really? Like hanging out with James Bucks. Bug Exco Kiskeliconson.

[Wade]

I feel like every time he's brought up lately, I get lumped in with the. Wade really is like a two or three year old dude.

[Bob]

We went to dinner the other night.

[Wade]

Oh, yeah. We don't have to.

[Bob]

God, that was so funny.

[Wade]

We really don't have to relive that.

[Mark]

What happened? I want to hear about it.

[Bob]

James has always sort of known Wade as Molly's husband.

[Wade]

He crushes on her hard.

[Bob]

He loves Molly. And then we're like, and this is Wade. And he's like, yeah, yeah, hey. And keeps talking to Molly. He's become increasingly dismissive towards Wade the longer they've known each other. We were out at a restaurant and we were getting ready to leave, I think. So everyone was standing up and sort of making our way out. And I Was like, james, say goodbye to everybody. Give him a hug or whatever. And he ran around and was like, bye, bye. And got everyone except Wade. And then he's standing right in front of Wade, and I'm like, hey, buddy, did you forget anybody?

[Mark]

Like, did you.

[Bob]

Did you say goodbye to everyone? And he looks up at Wade directly, looks right at me, regards him, and is like, no. And walks away. Just fucking.

[Wade]

It was brutal, man.

[Bob]

He thought about it. He was like, I don't owe that guy shit. See ya.

[Mark]

That's very funny.

[Bob]

It was so funny.

[Wade]

When he first started saying goodbyes. Molly and I were standing right next to Bob, and James cuts right across in front of me to go to Molly to say bye to her first.

[Bob]

He, like, pushed you out of the way almost. He was like, don't touch me. I gotta talk to Molly.

[Wade]

I am an obstacle in between one of his many love interests.

[Mark]

That's. That's fair. I'm giving you a pity point just for that, Wade.

[Wade]

Thanks.

[Bob]

He needs it, man. It's tough out here.

[Mark]

You need that? Yeah, it's. It's real tough. How is your life, though?

[Wade]

Well, pre prepared for a couple more pities. I finally went to see a doctor and had an EK done because I was having those heart palpitations. EKG came back clean, which was nice.

[Mark]

That's always good.

[Wade]

And then they put me on a heart monitor for 48 hours. So I was wearing a heart monitor, which I thought would be really disruptive and annoying. It actually didn't really bother me at all, other than the fact I couldn't shower or bathe with it, which was kind of gross, but otherwise didn't really bother me. But I turned that in before we went to dinner over the weekend. I turned that in on Sunday. No one's called me. No one's said a thing. So I. I'm guessing I'm okay or they lost it or something.

[Bob]

If it was bad news, they would have called you right away. Definitely. You're totally fin.

[Wade]

Well, let me rewind to getting the heart monitor.

[Mark]

Okay.

[Wade]

So I go see my normal, like, family doctor, and he's like, all right, we're gonna do an akg. I'll just do some normal tests. And you seem fine, but, you know, just to be safe, he gave me a prescription to something I forgot. It's called just in case I needed it. Probably should have looked into that more. So I've got some medicine I should probably be taking.

[Bob]

Yeah, you might want to learn about that, but go on.

[Wade]

Molly wasn't there to tell me it was important. So I forgot about it till this time. My bad. But then he's like, let's get you on a heart monitor for a couple of days just to see what's going on. So I had to go to a hospital to get the heart monitor. They didn't do it there. They scheduled me an appointment to go to the hospital. I walked in with Molly and the doctor had been like, yeah, it's gonna be really quick. They're just gonna put a couple of like, sensors on you. You'll carry the heart monitor around. It'll be easy. Shouldn't be a quick appointment, Whatever. Then they'll have you drop it off. Cool. So we go to the hospital and I check in and they send me to another place where I check in again, make sure I'm in the right spot. Double checked in. Molly and I sit down and the lady comes back right away and calls my name, is like, oh, man. So fast. There's a people waiting. But they wanted me first. This is excellent. And Molly starts to go back with me because after the I forgot to ask questions about my medicine debacle, she's like, I will be with you every step of the way from this point on. So she goes to go with me, and the lady that calls my name is like, patient only. You have to wait here. And the look Molly gave. I thought the lady was going to die on the spot, but she hold firm and made me go back by myself. And I was like, well, they're just putting on a heart monitor. How this. It's going to be fine. Like, whatever. They take me back to a room. It's a big room. I was like, man, this is a. This is a large room for a simple thing, but okay. But it's fine.

[Mark]

Is there an audience in the rafters? Is there like a circle room?

[Bob]

It's an operating theater.

[Wade]

There's three other nurses in the room.

[Mark]

Oh, good.

[Wade]

And they start striking up a conversation with me. They're like, this is your name, your birthday? Oh, happy early birthday. Like, oh, thank you. They're like, I'm April 4th because my birthday is April 3rd. I'm April 4th. I'm April 5th. It's like, that's weird. We all three, four, five. And they're all like, oh, we're just. We're excited to have you here. And I was like, great. Why are there so many of you for this? Are you so excited? Why are you excited?

[Mark]

Never seen a freak like you before.

[Wade]

Wow. Yeah. It's like, I'm just here for a heart monitor. But hey, everyone. Yep. I like chatting with people. There's people. I got an audience, I'm happy. And they sit me down, keep asking me some questions. And they're like, all right, well, this is going to be pretty simple procedural thing. About 45 minutes or so. And I was like, procedure, 45 minutes. These are words that don't sound like putting on a heart monitor. Come to find out they were going to be doing some like, super stress tests or something. And the only reason they figured out that it wasn't the supposed recipient is I guess they finally saw through the gray in the ball and realized I wasn't 78 years old. But for the first however many minutes, I guess I convinced them.

[Bob]

I like that part of the conversation was about your birthday too.

[Wade]

You sure was.

[Bob]

So they were thinking about that and they, in their head, they were like, man, he looks great. Wow. It was born in the 50s. Wow.

[Wade]

They had my name right, too. So they must have had the right cover sheet, but the wrong back sheet or something. I don't know. But they had. They had a good mixture of correct and very incorrect information.

[Mark]

There's a deaf 90 year old in the waiting room named Wade. Just saying they'll call me any second now.

[Wade]

Oh, is this what performs the test? Yeah, you take this, you go home and we'll call you in a couple of days. Really thought I was getting more done than this.

[Bob]

Doctor said there would be more nurses to talk to.

[Wade]

Always love attention.

[Bob]

Yeah, same. You're all the same.

[Wade]

So anyway, when they finally figured out that I was the wrong patient, this is like 10, 15 minutes in, another nurse comes, she's like, hey, come with me. Sorry. We really know what we're doing here today, I promise. It's just. It's a little hectic. I'm like, okay, good. So can I have my wife come back?

[Bob]

They take you to another room with a huge machine that says anal probulator. And they're like, all right, lay down. Face down. Wait a minute. Which weight are you? Oh, shit.

[Wade]

It was Wade Day at the hospital. I should have known.

[Bob]

We scheduled by name. I always tell them that's a terrible plan.

[Wade]

They had the lady that came back and got me. She apologized for the mix up. I was like, can my wife come back? And she's like, this will be too fast now. You don't need her. And it's like, man, she takes me to the equivalent of a broom closet. This is a much smaller room. There is barely sitting room in this One, I've really missed the nice big stress test room. But this room felt a lot more apt for the very minor. Just get out. That happened. And then she was upset. I've got like, I'm not. I'm not a super hairy person. I do have a little bit of hair on my chest. And she was like, I was hoping you'd be one of the hairless ones. And I was like, excuse me.

[Bob]

Open.

[Wade]

You're like, well, I forgot my razor. Give me a second. I was like, okay. So then she leaves, and then she comes back with, like, a little handheld, like a razor, and just like,

[Bob]

all

[Wade]

right, that'll be good enough. But she was very upset that I had any amount of body hair. I guess I was supposed to be an Olympic swimmer when I came in, but I wasn't quite prepared.

[Mark]

She looked at your head and was like, I really hope it carries down.

[Wade]

So, yeah, I felt shamed.

[Bob]

This guy hates hair.

[Wade]

I felt very shamed for having any amount of chest hair. But then she put the. I think it was like five sensors on, pressed a couple of booty doo doo on this beeper thing, put it in my pocket. And she's like, all right, here's a paper. Write down when you have any issues. Write down the time. Here's where you return it. I'll circle it. Ok. Fun. I walked out, and Molly looked like that girl from Willy Wonka who ate the blue candy was, like, swelling into, like, red rage over time. She was very unhappy.

[Bob]

Oh, okay.

[Wade]

Not. She wasn't, like, swelling up.

[Bob]

She was a human blueberry.

[Wade]

Well, blues, I guess. The wrong color. She was turning red with rage is what I'm trying to say. I just did it wrong, you know, Wrong color, wrong fruit, wrong movie, probably, but okay. I walked out and I was like, look, I've got the. And I mean, she looked like her eyes were about to shoot lasers because one, I was a lot faster than 45 minutes. But she thought, she's going to sit out there for 45 minutes, too. She was there to go with me. And she kind of had a hectic morning to make sure she could go to the appointment just to be shoved in the waiting room. And then I started telling her about the mistakes and how, like, oh, yeah, I could go to this other room. You could have definitely come back to that one. Oh, I should have never said those words because, man, oh, man, we got out quickly. And it was probably for the best because she was not a happy camper with being dismissed by people that took me to the Wrong room and all. I need to go make sure the right things happen. No, we've got him. We're going to go do the stress test on your 78 year old husband.

[Bob]

The context could not be more different, but, man, do I feel that rage about not being allowed back in the room. It was during Mandy's pregnancy, which it was during like Covid time. So everything was weird and it was. It's a different context because I understand that they have rules about like, oh, let's make sure. Let's give the woman a chance to be separate from the man who's accompanying her to make sure that, like, if she has a problem, she can talk to us. Because that is like, that's a reality. That's fine. But man, every fucking time we did anything because Mandy had like a doctor's visit or more a week during her pregnancy, and every time we're like, well, can I go with her for this one? She's really anxious today because you're gonna jab a needle into our fetus. Baby in her belly. And they're like, no, you wait out here. Like, okay, thanks. Great. I'm glad this isn't stressful for anyone. I'm sure my wife will love handling this by herself. I fucking hate that. Again, totally different context. And I understand generally, but oh my God, I hate that so much. Especially because, like, for this one, Molly didn't have to go with you. She wanted to go with you. She was trying to, like, help or, you know, just make then for them to be like, oh, you. You are not allowed. Okay.

[Wade]

Yeah, they dismissed her. I mean, they were very like, just like, no, you'll wait here.

[Bob]

Yeah, well, they do it. They must do it 100 times a day because every. Even at the maternity doctor, they were just like, you can't come in. Get out here. Like, I was an idiot. And I should have known that this was my first time ever doing any of this. So I. Why would I know that? Okay, now I feel that very deeply. Whatever that rage Molly felt, that's the worst. But it's fine. They didn't only almost did the wrong thing for you.

[Wade]

Very close, but yeah. No, not quite.

[Bob]

They got you good enough. Which is what I look for in my medical procedures.

[Wade]

Yeah, Love good enough.

[Bob]

Whenever I go to the doctor, I'm like, hey, I got this lump. I don't really want you to put too much effort out, but could you take a good enough look at it that I'll probably be fine. And I really appreciate it. It's all My insurance will cover.

[Wade]

Well, they did good enough. And then of course, I had the best, least stressful, no palpitation weekend ever. And then I turned that thing in Sunday. And then yesterday my chest was just. We were sitting down, we were watching a movie. Molly and I were just watching a movie and all of a sudden my chest was like, remember me, asshole? I was like, fucking why? And again, another like two hour episode.

[Bob]

She just manufactured it. I don't know what it would be, but you should have sought out experiences to like stress yourself out. So when you take it off and turn it in, you're just like, God, what a weekend. They'll have to believe me.

[Wade]

I didn't know watching a movie would trigger, I don't know, like, maybe I was warm, like my cat was sitting on my lap.

[Bob]

Was it a scary movie?

[Wade]

No, to be. It was a Few Good Men, like Tom Cruise movie from the 90s. Very.

[Bob]

It's not very scary at all.

[Wade]

Very mild courtroom drama.

[Bob]

I would say it might have been because you were sitting down, because that can have a pretty heavy effect on heart symptoms like that. But I find it hard to imagine context in which I think you'd be standing up. So I feel like that's your natural state of being.

[Wade]

Well, one of my mistakes, I did go on a walk on Saturday and it was a nice warm day. I got like halfway into this walk, like 20, 30 minutes into this walk, and I like, for whatever reason, I had like a, I don't know, cartoon flashback of like reading the paper, me holding the paper. And it's like, try to avoid activities that may cause you to sweat. And it's a hot, kind of humid day and I'm halfway into this walk, starting to like drip sweat from my bald head. I was like, oh, no. I was like, I got to walk back. I just like, look, and there's this hill. And then the hill grew as I looked at it and I just was like, real slow walking back, like kind of standing in the shade for a minute, like, yeah, wouldn't want to sweat. That might get my stickies to unsticky. Why have I done this?

[Bob]

I'm a little surprised you didn't just lay down in the shade and call Molly to come pick you up.

[Wade]

I'm not a quitter. I was going to make it back.

[Bob]

Hey, getting picked up and being brought back counts as making it back. I'm pretty sure.

[Wade]

I don't know. That doesn't sound like finishing the walk.

[Bob]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Finishing the walk is not what we were talking about making it back home safely is what we were talking about.

[Wade]

Anyway, that's it as of right now. I still occasionally have a little chest burp. Fluttery feelings. No pain. Everyone keeps asking how the pain is. It's like if I had to give it a number, it'd be like a one or a two. Not really pain. It's just like I kind of noticed that it feels like my chest drink a lot of soda and is burping in the wrong organs.

[Mark]

Oh, it's nothing.

[Wade]

Nothing at all.

[Mark]

No pain. Just burping into my spleen. Just, you know, random gas pockets going into my liver.

[Wade]

It's. It's like a weird fluttery fluttery. Like I don't feel. I don't know.

[Mark]

My pancreas is jumping today. But, you know, it's not that bad.

[Wade]

You know, whatever. But I'm alive for now, so that's good.

[Mark]

We're all alive for now. That's the promise.

[Wade]

Thanks, Joker.

[Bob]

I don't know why I was. I heard problem coming out of your mouth at the end of that one.

[Wade]

I thought he was gonna say, that's the problem.

[Mark]

All right, all right, all right. Enough fun. Now's the time. Not for fun.

[Wade]

I was having so much between being blown off by James and wearing a heart monitor. I can't wait for the less fun.

[Mark]

Oh, you get about to be blown off by me because I was struggling.

[Wade]

Excuse me.

[Mark]

I'm gonna blow you off so good.

[Wade]

Oh, man. Hope that's not a markiplier promise.

[Bob]

Well, both will take turns blowing you off.

[Mark]

Yeah, exactly.

[Wade]

Guys, my heart can't take this.

[Mark]

So I was traveling internationally and that's my excuse for not coming up with the perfectest crime, which is something that I made a very bold proclamation that I would have ready and it would be like, it's going to be the perfectest crime. This is where it would be awesome if I suddenly said, just kidding, and unleashed the perfectest crime upon you. And then like, informational packets would be hand delivered to you in office doors and so get ready for anything goes part whatever.

[Wade]

Never mind. Stay out.

[Mark]

I. I even thought about doing that other episode where it's like we the the opposite of the one I did before. But I'm going to save that because now that we're doing weekly, there are more opportunities for things to have happened in the wider world. You know, international events and whatnot, Gaming news of various types that have occurred, horrible upsets that have plagued society that are being put to the forefront. It's time to break it all out. Because, boy howdy, I couldn't figure the rest of the perfectest crime out again. I was traveling internationally. I did a flight out to Thailand and that's a 20 hour journey. And then did it right back. Stayed one day and turned right back around.

[Bob]

That's a lot of flying for one day.

[Mark]

Yeah. And you'd think if I was up on a plane, I would be able to just like brainstorm and think in there, right?

[Bob]

Trapped in a room with nothing but your thoughts and a writing utensil.

[Mark]

You're right. And I sure did.

[Wade]

I know that sounds rough, but I have to do the same thing this week, only it's eight hours and I'm driving. And it's nationally, not internationally.

[Bob]

I'm traveling nationally and I'm traveling less,

[Wade]

but it's basically the same Internet.

[Bob]

Not internationally. Internationally. Internationally in a side of a nation.

[Wade]

Yeah. Not outer national, international.

[Mark]

Just to give you guys some more time to get up there. You know, there's little delivery robots that

[Bob]

prowl the streets that fall off the curb and go, please help me up, please help me up. And nobody helps them because they're like, fuck you, little robot.

[Wade]

Haven't heard that.

[Mark]

So I always thought those things were like, little and weak and they could barely drive. Just in the past few weeks, those little delivery robots have smashed through bus shelters twice.

[Bob]

Yikes.

[Mark]

They've smashed through the glass of a bus shelter. Just

[Wade]

what do these things look like?

[Mark]

Hold on.

[Bob]

They look like very large, remote controlled coolers.

[Mark]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bob]

They're not like car sized or anything, but that is stronger. I would have thought they'd be little pushovers. It seems bad that they could cause that much damage.

[Mark]

You want to see a video of it? I have one.

[Wade]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bob]

It was a joke, but I. There was a whole. I think it was a NPR journalist who did a whole piece on this place in England, which was one of the first cities to implement this sort of like, delivery robot scheme as like a citywide service kind of thing. And literally she. She has a. She did a very long, like journalistic look at it, and there she had all these clips of them, like falling over or getting stuck and being like, hello, I am stuck. Please pull me out of this mud. Like being really like, kind of funny, but kind of obnox. And none of them destroyed anything.

[Mark]

Yeah, well, the uprising has begun, so beware.

[Bob]

That's not good.

[Mark]

Yeah. Check this out.

[Bob]

Oh, no. Does he realize? Oh, he blinks. God, I hate that. If they're going to have a blink, they should have do like a little like he's an animal. Like he's all blink, blink and just carries on.

[Mark]

So I'm hoping that this isn't like. Because you never know these days with like videos and whatnot because there's a little bit of a jump there, but it seems like it's not.

[Bob]

It does have a weird sort of jump. And it's real. It's got a ton of aliasing, so it's pretty hard to tell. This honestly looks like it could be like OTR in Cincinnati. Do you know where this is? Some like St. Louis.

[Mark]

This is Chicago.

[Bob]

Chicago, okay. It looks like some Midwest city.

[Wade]

Oh, they ripped off Cincinnati to begin with, so it's all right. That sounds right. Yeah, that.

[Bob]

That tracks.

[Mark]

But anyway, so that was one of two incidences. Watch out for those. Apparently have way higher torque than you could possibly imagine. Low speed, extreme torque. They will break your kneecaps backwards and then keep going.

[Bob]

I have also seen videos of those things getting absolutely fucking demolished in crosswalks because they do have to. They cross roads and they follow the rules of the crosswalk without any of the human intuition that keeps humans alive. And there are plenty of clips of people just not stopping and turning right on red. And just like. Because they're little guys and they don't destroy cars, cars destroy them.

[Mark]

And I will say this, I will never order from one because I'd be embarrassed to meet it outside. Has anyone, you guys or in the audience ever ordered from one of these things?

[Bob]

I think the only context I can imagine that and see this is the thing too is I was a lazy college kid. But I have seen that these are popular in like college towns where it's like you can order. You order some food or you order some. Something from a convenience store type place and it brings it like, brings it to your dorm because you live. Because you know, that's big business. There's however many hundreds of kids all living in one building, so it makes sense for them to. But even still, even in college, I was such a lazy college kid, I could still walk up the street to go to the gas station or walk down the other way to go to the Kroger or whatever. Like, it wasn't. That wasn't that hard and it would be very embarrassing. Also, this is specific, but the place, the hall that Mark and I lived in our freshman year of college. Do you remember the big fucking steps from Calhoun street down to get into Sittahall?

[Mark]

Oh, yeah, yeah. The two levels down there.

[Bob]

I just love the image of One of those things, getting to the top of those and to just be like, like all the way down trying to get to the dorm.

[Wade]

UC would not be an ideal campus for those things. No.

[Bob]

Every 50ft there's another stairs up or

[Wade]

down or steep hill or.

[Bob]

Yeah, well, they've got the torque for hills, apparently.

[Wade]

Yeah.

[Mark]

I mean, they could just plow right through one of the walls there.

[Wade]

Now, some of you sees buildings that could probably get through the walls. Those are some old buildings. In some spots, do you see they're

[Bob]

tearing down the old cement sadness tower, whatever that Crowley, whatever that one was called. Oh, no. Why, it looked like a Soviet prison.

[Mark]

It's like the largest single pore concrete structure.

[Bob]

Yeah, something like that. It was an expensive and huge pain in the ass to take down. I did hear that it was obscenely expensive just to remove that building.

[Mark]

It is full of concrete. It is one big slab. That thing probably doesn't want to come apart.

[Bob]

They're just like the wheels of progress. I don't know. They're getting rid of it so they can build some new building that'll look horrific or be really stupid and fucking 30 years. I don't know. I think it was. Honestly, as much as it's been really difficult to remove, I think it was so old that it was like parts of it were uninhabitable because it was no longer, like, it was no longer watertight. And there were literal. There were like, areas that were just, quote, quarantined off because they were flooding or every time it rained, it blew whatever rain. So as much as it's hard to take down, I think it was also just a really old shithole because it's just an old building, but hard to

[Wade]

fix potholes on a building.

[Mark]

And it's hard to rewire something like that, probably.

[Bob]

I've never seen a concrete patio slab last for more than a decade. I have a hard time imagining why a concrete building was ever a good idea. But so it goes.

[Mark]

Hey, you know, dams can last, but, you know, whatever.

[Bob]

That's true.

[Mark]

Now we're getting into the real competition, so anything goes, guys. Entertain the audience at home. They are yearning, yearning for the comedy they were promised it.

[Wade]

Oh, that's what we're supposed to have been doing this whole time.

[Mark]

Oh. Should I flip to see who goes first?

[Bob]

Oh, I suppose.

[Mark]

Head Bob. Tails Wade. Well, usually it's the other way, but I'm gonna switch it up this time.

[Wade]

Whoa.

[Bob]

Oh.

[Mark]

Head Bob.

[Bob]

That's me. I'm Head Bob Bob.

[Mark]

Actually, you go now. Even though you technically offered up the Cincinnati thing.

[Bob]

Hey, I got good news.

[Mark]

I love good news.

[Bob]

SORA is shutting down or has been shut down.

[Wade]

Right.

[Bob]

This is the sign the bubble is bursting. I don't know, I'm verging on a Trump impression there, but if you don't know, OpenAI has many services and OpenAI is the company that runs ChatGPT. One of the things they had that was terrible to behold and shocking to look at was a service that would generate videos from text prompts so you could make a video of Will Smith eating spaghetti, so on and so forth. Service was called Sora, and it has been or is imminently will be shutting down. The reasons for this are not as victorious as I might have hoped, but still, you know what? I feel like it's a win for society. This is probably the biggest, most widely known AI product that I think I've seen going offline. Because it's not. I mean, the reason it's not good, it's because it's not profitable. But it's not like they had an epiphany and they were like, oh, this isn't good for people, is it? Oh, we are sort of stealing copyrighted works to. They don't give a shit. They have not come around on any of those issues. But it's shut down because probably speculation is that OpenAI is looking to do an IPO, an initial public offering, essentially, to become a publicly traded company. It's what you do to. To then have, you know, be on the stock exchange, basically. And when you do that as a company, you have to open your books to the public, or at least to investors. You have to open up your books and people have to look at how much money you're making. How much money are you spending? Are you a profitable company? Apparently, while the results of it were pretty crazy, technically speaking, and pretty terrifying, humanly speaking, apparently it was costing them something like $15 million a day just to run the compute power required to run Sora as a service, which again, generates short video clips from words. So you just tell it what you want. I want a video of a person wearing a trench coat, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and it generates video, whatever. But $15 million a day, I can tell you, I don't think consumers are paying 15 million plus dollars a day to get videos that they can post on their Facebook page so that their grandma will like it, or vice versa. Yeah, because it was such a money burning garbage fire. They were like, let's shut that down so that investors Will actually maybe invest. But anyway, I just feel like that's generally a victory for humanities. Human. What's that word?

[Wade]

Humanity.

[Mark]

Humananities.

[Bob]

I'm a human man, and that's a victory for us. Humanities. Humanin. Human.

[Mark]

I think this rides on the coattails. Not if Wade. Unless you were gonna say something about the Disney thing.

[Bob]

Of the Disney thing.

[Mark]

Okay, no. Okay. The Disney thing. So this is simultaneously coming along. The legs of OpenAI had a Disney deal for, like, a billion dollars. It was like Disney was like, yeah, you can use all of our property to train your AI.

[Bob]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mark]

And that was a week or two later. Disney was like, we're getting out of the deal.

[Bob]

I can't imagine why.

[Mark]

Not sure what terms, but also, I'm like, who at Disney thought it was a good idea?

[Wade]

Like, yeah. Who allowed that? Disney is so protective, typically, of their stuff. That's wild. They were like, yeah, use it.

[Bob]

Yeah. Well, who would do something bad with an AI product? It's only used for good stuff.

[Wade]

Yeah.

[Mark]

Yeah. See how it's making the world better all around us? It's so good.

[Wade]

They just didn't like the AI Dishub.

[Bob]

The one. I think he's going for a. A mashup of pornhub and Disney, and they called it AI Dishub. I totally came with you on that journey, and I do.

[Wade]

Thank you.

[Bob]

I respect how accurate that is because 100%. The first query that they had someone was like, oh, they have Disney IP in the. In the video generation thing. Naked Elsa sucking on, like, immediately. The absolute first thing that someone typed in was something horrific with some Disney property.

[Wade]

100% Olaf's nose, but it's actually a penis.

[Bob]

Olaf sex robot. Dildo knows.

[Wade]

Help me step Snowman. I'm melting.

[Bob]

And then we got sued by Disney.

[Mark]

Yeah, it's on the way.

[Wade]

Allegedly. Allegedly.

[Mark]

We're being allegedly sued by Disney.

[Wade]

No, no, Allegedly. All the things we said before.

[Bob]

Oh, yes, Allegedly. That stuff I said.

[Mark]

Yep, yep, yep. Anyway, who. I. I gave you a point for AI Dizhub. So it's on the record that that was your idea. Wade.

[Bob]

That's Wade's idea. Yep.

[Mark]

Yeah, that was at the. Wade's point. Wade's idea.

[Bob]

That's. Just go after him. Just go after him. Wade invented that.

[Mark]

That's why it's an LLC for limited liability company.

[Wade]

How quickly can someone change their name?

[Mark]

You just switch with that old guy.

[Wade]

That's true. That guy's like, I got the wrong test. I'm being sued by Disney. This is a Terrible week.

[Bob]

FBI kicks down your office door like you're under arrest. And you're just like, what? Oh, you must be looking for that younger Wade. Oh, look, I don't have any hair. Look how old I am. Oh, I must be a guru.

[Wade]

A guru, they said a ghoul. A ghoul.

[Bob]

Yes, I must be a ghoul. Oh, ghoul, fear me. Ooo.

[Mark]

Alright, alright. Fun time's over for you, Bob. You've gotten enough points.

[Bob]

Not nearly.

[Mark]

Wade, your turn.

[Wade]

Let's turn the globe a little bit. We're going to Johannesburg, right? Over in South Africa, there's a mayoral candidate who's really trying hard to get the city to root for her. Vote for her. And by doing so, she decided to go snorkeling as a big campaign. Vote for me. But do you know why it's effective? Because where she went snorkeling was just like an average city street where they've had a water leak for years that they haven't fixed. So she went snorkeling in this big pool of just. Just pissing out water that's been wasted for how many years?

[Mark]

What?

[Wade]

I don't know how long it's been going. Apparently a very long time.

[Mark]

Did she put some chlorine tablets in first?

[Wade]

Based on the pictures, it certainly doesn't look like it. She did look for fish in the muddy, gross looking water, but I don't think she found any.

[Mark]

Oh, I think I got one.

[Bob]

Ah, another turd.

[Mark]

Ah, damn it. I'll find it. Down to the.

[Wade]

This place is known as the city of Gold. Apparently the pool has been there for about three years. They call it a pool of water. Oh God. And it looks like just mounds of dirt with like a house across the street. And there's like water kind of. Maybe she's water. She's splashing out. It's got this really shitty little like do not cross tape line to keep people out. Half collapsed. And then in this picture. Hold on, maybe I should share the picture. There's a single boot in the background. Real good boot. Single boot.

[Mark]

There you go.

[Wade]

See her splashing? There's the little tape line. And there's the boot. There's a boot. There's a boot. Just a boot.

[Mark]

I forgot the whole she's running for mayor thing. I thought this was just some random.

[Wade]

All right, she's running for mayor. She's running for mayor via AP News, which is all my comedy news. I always take it from them.

[Mark]

That's really gross.

[Bob]

I'm sure there's Only good stuff in that hole.

[Mark]

Is she in the lead?

[Wade]

No clue. This was the, the event. The article just came out a few days ago, so I'm not sure that they've had any kind of election since.

[Mark]

All right, okay. Well, that's, that's horrifying. Well done. I'll give you a point. Don't know why I did, but I gave you one.

[Wade]

Okay.

[Mark]

All right, Bob, back to you.

[Bob]

Did you guys know that penguins.

[Mark]

Yeah, I have a loose idea of it.

[Wade]

Wait, do they lay eggs?

[Bob]

They do lay eggs.

[Mark]

I'm gonna blow your mind about birds if you, if you want to go down that path.

[Bob]

I don't know the details of it, but I was just trying to make this article sound exciting. Guys, I figured out who's causing global warming.

[Mark]

Oh man.

[Bob]

Everyone is all up in arms that it's corporations mewing carbon monoxide and other greenhouse gases and record unprecedented levels and blah, blah, blah.

[Mark]

They're mewing. They're mewing to carbon gases.

[Bob]

I said spewing.

[Mark]

Oh, spewing. I heard mewing. Okay, nevermind.

[Bob]

Anyway, it's not them, guys. It's penguins. Specifically. King penguins that live in a sub Antarctic island chain have found a 40% increase in their breeding success rate thanks to warming temperatures. The change in climate has allowed their breeding to begin almost a month earlier than it normally does. And this has increased their breeding success rate, which has increased their proliferation as a species. It's 20,000. And king penguins that live in a sub Antarctic island chain, they're doing this so that they can more effectively bang each other and make new generations of penguins. It's just science.

[Mark]

Okay. And so they're fucking so much that it's causing global warming.

[Bob]

Oh, no, they're just causing all of the extra emissions and stuff. And oil.

[Mark]

Oh.

[Bob]

So, ah, they're making it happen so that they can have more babies. They were concerned about the great king penguin replacement theory. So they're just dominating the world and doing whatever they have to do so that their species may prevail. Humans be damned. Humans and other inferior species, really, all of the rest of us, it's these penguins. Guys. It's definitely not corporations or anything like that. It's definitely not humanity. It's these penguins. Because I can tell you what, climate change is not helping humans have any extra sex. We got that. We're pretty much maxed out on that sex maxing. Yeah, we're sex maxed. But these king, these king penguins have figured out that causing climate change will, I mean, a 40% increase in sex. 40%.

[Mark]

That's pretty good.

[Wade]

Imagine everyone out there.

[Bob]

Imagine. Think about it a lot. It's these penguins. Guys, it's a serious issue, and I think we really need to address it. By which I mean, we should probably carpet bomb these penguins out of existence, and that'll probably solve all our problems.

[Wade]

I've been on social media too long. My first thought was, how many people are going to be like whenever you said 40% more sex? Imagine they're going to be like, well, 40% more of zero. Still zero.

[Bob]

Where are you on social media that's populated by all of our parents? You have Twitter set to only dads who tweet mode.

[Wade]

Bunch of just sad. Like, a lot more sex, including multiplying my amount of sex. It's still zero.

[Bob]

Wade's only social media is just r divorce dads.

[Mark]

Is that a subreddit? I'm going there right now.

[Bob]

100 is.

[Wade]

It's gotta be. That sounds like something real. I'm sure it's a happy, fun place.

[Mark]

Got 10,000 weekly.

[Bob]

Oh, man.

[Mark]

It's people asking for help.

[Bob]

Oh, that's not funny. It's supposed to be funny. Come on, Reddit.

[Wade]

I didn't expect it to be funny. Who would have thought it would be funny?

[Mark]

Oh, man, it's talking a lot about child support questions.

[Bob]

All right, listen, I wasn't looking for actual divorced dads who are. Look, I was thinking. We've talked about him before. Graham Barrett on TikTok and how he opens packs of divorced dad cards. That's what I was thinking. R divorced dads would be. All right, where's the funny one?

[Wade]

R divorce comedians?

[Bob]

Real divorced dads or. I don't know, whatever it is, just.

[Wade]

Just divorce comedians.

[Bob]

Well, it's not just all of them.

[Wade]

Oh, maybe.

[Bob]

Look, if Brian Regan can't make it work, I don't know who can.

[Wade]

Still haven't seen that guy hear good things from you two.

[Bob]

He is probably one of the defining standups who shaped the type of jokes that I make on a daily basis.

[Mark]

So, yeah, same.

[Bob]

You have all. You have him to thank for all of this. You're welcome.

[Wade]

Maybe that's why I haven't watched.

[Mark]

He's going to be in Ridgefield. Connecticut. Connecticut.

[Wade]

What happened to Connecticut?

[Bob]

Both Connecticuts. He's going to be in Connecticut and Connecticut.

[Wade]

Ridgefield.

[Mark]

I saw ct and I was like,

[Wade]

God, I hope this is Connecticut.

[Mark]

He's going to be in Ridgefield City. I rolled, gambled, and I made it.

[Wade]

I mean, your other options are what? California and Colorado.

[Mark]

Look, I don't know how many sea states there are.

[Wade]

You got to sing the little song.

[Bob]

Look, it's actually Texas. It's the Commonwealth of Texas. Come on, get with it.

[Mark]

Common Texas.

[Wade]

How about Common Texas?

[Mark]

You know, 1580 B.C. before common Texas.

[Bob]

So they keep time down there.

[Mark]

The sweet calendar joke thanks me.

[Bob]

All right, cool. How many points is that worth? You?

[Mark]

Oh, man, a million and a half.

[Bob]

Me just took the lead.

[Mark]

All right, Wade, keep it going. Wait, whose turn?

[Bob]

Yeah, it's Wade.

[Wade]

All right, listen, we talked about some horny penguins. What about horny steel pipes? Because there's a pipe in Japan that grew 32ft overnight, and nobody knows how.

[Mark]

Wait, what?

[Wade]

A giant underground pipe rose 10 meters out of a construction site overnight. And everyone was like, who did this? Who did this? As of the release of this information, which was a couple weeks ago, no one knew why it happened. Is this in Tokyo? No, in Osaka. In Osaka, there was a steel pipe. I'm trying to figure out how wide the pipe. It looks like a bridge support. This is a big pipe. Something happened that caused it to rise 32ft out of the ground. And everyone was like, man, they did some. They did some work last night.

[Bob]

Show me the pipe.

[Wade]

You see this pipe? You see this pipe right here?

[Mark]

Oh, what the fuck?

[Wade]

Apparently this part was like, down here, and it just overnight.

[Mark]

This isn't just like a pipe going horizontally.

[Wade]

This is a pipe.

[Mark]

This is a pipe that looks like. I don't even know what to equate

[Wade]

this to a tunnel.

[Mark]

It's like the Willy Wonka elevator. Just the thing that is around. The elevator holster.

[Bob]

You know the holster? Yeah, yeah, the elevator holster.

[Wade]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mark]

Came up out of the ground.

[Bob]

I think they're just leaving one important piece of information out of this article that makes it all make sense. When it came up out of the ground, it happened overnight. So not a lot of people were around. But when it came up from. Emanating from all around, but also from nowhere, was just this classic sound that just went.

[Mark]

Oh, that would have been a much better description of what it is.

[Bob]

And then. And then an Italian guy jumped out of it.

[Mark]

Is this a big promotional stunt for the Super Mario Galaxy movie?

[Bob]

Super Mario 2. Chris Pratt's gonna come climbing out of the pipe any minute now.

[Mark]

Hey, guys, it's me, Mario.

[Bob]

Wahoo. Hey, Luigi. You like, you know it's a high. You're high jumper. Wow, brother.

[Wade]

Or it's much more serious. And all people from Italy are evacuating to Japan via this pipe right now. Osak is the new Rome.

[Bob]

A tan Italian guy climbs up out of the pipe and goes, adios mio. But in Italian, help me.

[Wade]

We will trade you our pizza for some Hibach. Trades of pizza for hibachi. Hibachi sounds really good right now.

[Mark]

You guys want to go hibachi?

[Wade]

Let's go after this recording, please.

[Bob]

Oh, can we record videos at Hibachi? Can we just do an episode that's just our reaction to Hibachi? Just a camera set up, and we're just like, the.

[Wade]

The.

[Bob]

The flame or whatever, and we're just like.

[Mark]

Have you seen that video of, like. It's a bunch of guys just that threw, like, a Molotov down a long, big, empty pipe. And so it's some kind of mesh on top. So the. Some of her standing over and some. And they're filming down, and you see it go down way, way far, super far down. Just falling for, like, five, six seconds straight. And then it hits the bottom and, like, this wall of flame comes up, and all the guys are just, like.

[Wade]

Just, like, naturally.

[Mark]

Just because it just comes out as a human thing.

[Wade]

Just.

[Bob]

Just.

[Wade]

It was very Monkey.

[Bob]

Like, that's 100% how I would react if I was standing over that when it happened.

[Wade]

I'm not.

[Bob]

No judgment whatsoever. I get that.

[Mark]

Yeah. Just. It's just something like. That reminds me that. Oh, yeah, we came from apes.

[Wade]

Oh, what'd they drop it like a propane pipe? Like, why. Why is a big boom.

[Bob]

It must have been like a big. From who knows what. Yeah.

[Mark]

Had some gas in the. It wasn't a good idea, I assure you. This.

[Bob]

Especially standing over it sounds fucking awesome. What are you talking about?

[Wade]

I know from History of Growing up that Molotovs were never a good idea, because I had some friends that were like, I don't want to have to start a campfire. What if. And then it always went downhill from there.

[Mark]

Yeah, there's a lot of awesome bad ideas. Great name for an episode too. We should definitely do awesome bad ideas.

[Bob]

We should give out awards for them. Maybe name them after some classical scientist of some sort.

[Mark]

All right. Awesome bad ideas. I'm calling that for a future episode. That's great. That's great.

[Bob]

Oh, I didn't realize you were dibzing that.

[Mark]

I'm dibzing it.

[Bob]

All right.

[Mark]

Well. Well, if you. One of you beat me to the punch, I'm not gonna be too upset.

[Bob]

I won't remember.

[Wade]

Unless it's the next episode.

[Mark]

I don't even remember what the. The thing that I'M supposed to do the opposite of the thing that I did before. You know, I don't even remember that.

[Wade]

I don't know what you just said.

[Mark]

I don't either.

[Bob]

I found a new sport for us to participate in. It's not what it sounds like. It's called the Wife Carrying Race. We all have those now and I'm pretty sure our wives would let us carry them and I'm pretty sure they would encourage us to race while doing it.

[Mark]

Yes, they would. Yeah.

[Bob]

If you win the race, you get a barrel of ale.

[Mark]

I mean, where do we sign up? This sounds pretty awesome.

[Bob]

All you have to do is go to. Yes, this is a real place. Dorking in Surrey, which is in England. If you go to Dorking on the right Sunday of the year, you can participate in the Wife Carrying race. It's a real place. It's not too terribly far outside of London. From my quick glance at a map that I took a minute ago, this

[Mark]

is not how I expected them to be carried.

[Wade]

I found a picture of this. Yeah.

[Bob]

No, it's not about aesthetics. It's about efficiency, Mark. It's inglorious.

[Wade]

It's about sending a message. I don't know what the message is.

[Bob]

It's like a dog chasing a car.

[Mark]

I guess it. Wait, are you looking up at the picture of this?

[Wade]

Oh, I see it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's.

[Mark]

I guess that's efficient. You know, the more I think about it, I'm more like, yeah, I guess

[Wade]

be a lot more awkward if they flipped her around the other way.

[Bob]

So for listeners, and also because I'm not sharing the picture anyway, the picture is of a guy sort of standing pretty upright and his wife is like face down over his shoulders and his head is like between her legs. So her legs are out in front of him and he's holding her legs and then her top of her body is hanging down his back kind of like a backpack. But then she's grabbing around so she's holding onto her own legs and sort of like helping him carry and balance. It's effective. I think the worst part of this is it's a quick race, but the woman has to be basically upside down the whole time. You must get a terrible head rush.

[Wade]

If he stops all of a sudden, she's going to break her nose.

[Bob]

How hard do you think his ass is? I don't know.

[Wade]

Based on carrying and running, probably pretty firm.

[Bob]

I don't think this picture is of the winning couple, but the winners this year were two Finnish. I Think it's Finnish, right? Yes. Two Finnish people. Teemu Tuvenan, Tuvainan Tovenin. Oh, man. No chance. And hata lenanen leaninen. 0% chance those are right. Both finish, apparently a finished couple in 1 minute and 45 seconds, which is pretty fast. It's not a very long race. We could do distance racing. I feel like I'd be better at distance racing. I'm not really a sprinter, you know, no one is disadvantaged at this. There's no height advantages. There's. I feel like we would all be on pretty good footing. I mean, any. If anyone's a disadvantage to me because I probably. I would say I'm in the worst shape of us in terms of just, like, running ability.

[Mark]

I actually don't know. You've been walking every day, right? I swear, I have not done any cardio at all. Because if I do any cardio at all, I am dead for the rest of the day. I go up a hill and I'm out of breath. It's truly terrible. And I need to fix that. That.

[Bob]

I hear if you go up enough hills, it gets easier.

[Wade]

Okay. And you get to listen to Kate

[Mark]

Bush while you do it. I don't get that one, but I'm sure it's funny.

[Bob]

That's that stupid song. Was that from Stranger Things?

[Wade]

Well, that's where it's known from. Yeah.

[Bob]

Oh.

[Mark]

Oh.

[Bob]

If I only could locate Bush, I'd

[Mark]

be running up that hill. I. I get you. Okay. Yeah.

[Wade]

Say it. God. We had an old episode where I got critiqued for saying God so many times. Do it.

[Mark]

Well, I didn't get critique. Who critiqued God? Did God critique you?

[Bob]

God got halfway through. Episode was like, I can't, man.

[Wade]

I fucking can't.

[Bob]

Like, I'm gonna skip this one.

[Wade]

Is this asshole gonna keep doing callbacks this whole time?

[Bob]

I've listened to every other episode. I'm gonna skip this one. I can't do it anymore. Fucking guy.

[Wade]

And neither is my son, Jesus. Pack up. We're going home.

[Bob]

I'm gonna confuse him with another wait at the hospital just to show him who's boss.

[Wade]

All that bitch.

[Mark]

Let there be 10 wades of varying ages at this ex visit.

[Bob]

Let everyone for the rest of his life think that he's 78 years old.

[Wade]

And people say Old Testament God isn't the real one. I knew it.

[Mark]

All right, Wade, you have one more to close it out.

[Wade]

Did you know in New Zealand you can't own a gun before 18? You can't possess marijuana or distribute Marijuana, unless it's medical. But apparently if you're a dumb teenager, you can accidentally donate your gun and marijuana to charity. So there were two teenagers in New Zealand that were apparently getting their car fixed and they had a backpack full of goodies that they actually left right outside of a charity donation center. So whenever someone saw the backpack, they're like, oh, someone donated a backpack. And they went to go through the backpack and found a lot of weed, an air pistol. What else was in the bag? Some other shit in there, whatever too. I think money. I think there's a bag of money. And the person who found the bag and found all this stuff was like, I don't think we can put this up in our charity place. I'm just gonna call the police. The teens came back later very upset. They were very agitated that they left all of their weed, gun and money apparently at the charity donation center. I don't think it ended well for them, if I had to guess. I don't know the full result. But how old were they? I don't know if it gives their exact age. I just get teenage. I think they're under 18, but they're in New Zealand. So that means a day older than us, but younger.

[Mark]

Not great.

[Bob]

A day older than us, but they spin the other way when you punch them.

[Mark]

Yes.

[Wade]

What?

[Mark]

That's funny.

[Wade]

That's.

[Mark]

That, that's where the boy.

[Bob]

That's a hemisphere joke right there, baby. Fuck.

[Mark]

Good one there. Good one. Yeah.

[Wade]

I think because they're. They're under 18, I think that a lot of the details are probably sealed or whatever because they're juveniles.

[Mark]

What's the gun law in. In New Zealand?

[Bob]

My only knowledge about it is that it's fairly strict. And I believe an air pistol is not necessari necessarily like a. Not like an airsoft gun, but it does shoot like. Well, it shoots with air. It's air propulsion, but it does shoot like bullets still. Not like plastic bbs or, or even metal bbs. I could shoot bullet shaped projectiles potentially, But I'm not 100% sure. And I believe New Zealand has very strict laws about gun ownership and registration and stuff. But I don't actually know for sure.

[Wade]

I would imagine so. It says that people under 18 can't possess air pistols without a license and adult supervision, so. Oh, they also found a police scanner in their bags. They had a police scanner. Drugs, money, air pistol.

[Mark]

Oh, okay. This is a criminal duo.

[Bob]

I mean, these guys just wanted to be cops. They were like, oh, we'll listen to the Police scanner. And we'll have this weapon just for safety. And they must have listened in and beat the cops to a drug bust and apprehended the drug dealers. And they were gonna take all that stuff. Stuff to the. I'm sure that's what was happening.

[Mark]

Heroes. They're heroes.

[Wade]

And they were hanging outside of a charity, so, you know, they're good people.

[Bob]

Yeah. What kind of criminal hangs out outside a charity shop? That's cop activity right there.

[Mark]

Yeah, that's copic. That's hero activity, actually.

[Bob]

Yeah, I know what they're doing.

[Mark]

Air rifles I knew could be powerful. There's a video called an air rifle that's more powerful than a firearm. And I was like, there's no way. And then I see him shooting it, and this metal target is like. It's a.72 caliber air rifle. I don't even know what that means,

[Wade]

but I know it's big.

[Bob]

70. Yeah. Wait, does that mean it's bigger than a.50 caliber, like, sniper rifle? Because those are. Those are big.

[Mark]

Yeah, 0.72 inches. So I guess a caliber is like. That's what that is.

[Bob]

That's like a small artillery shell. What the.

[Wade]

You should see the ones that shoot Air Tillery. Shells.

[Bob]

Artillery. Nice.

[Wade]

Thanks.

[Mark]

Thank you.

[Wade]

I was so scared. You're beat me to the joke because I was like, Air Tillery. Just wait for Bob to give me. To give me an in.

[Mark]

I'll give you.

[Bob]

Give him another pity point.

[Wade]

Hey, pity win is still a win.

[Mark]

All right, I'll go Air Tillery. Okay. Okay. I got you, buddy. All right, we're gonna wrap that up there. Well done, boys and boys. Bob, you got Dog Handman, Dog hand medicine. Dog hand, Medicine Man. That's right. Dog Hand man. That's what it is. All right, you got Wade Dismisser, Anal Probulator. Goodbye, Crosley Tower. Sora shutting down. Yay. Global warming from Penguins. Mario Pipe Wife carrying race Hemisphere joke.

[Bob]

Yeah. Got that hemisphere point.

[Mark]

You got a total of nine points there, Wade. Now, do we count this interrupting point? I don't know if the episode started maybe.

[Wade]

Did I interrupt again? Do I get a point for that?

[Mark]

No, it was a minus point.

[Wade]

It was a minus point.

[Mark]

Oh, shit.

[Wade]

No, I didn't rewind.

[Bob]

Yeah, No, I think Wade's right. I think it counts. I think he's on something there. Damn it.

[Mark]

All right, well, I guess it's in there. So that's a minus one on the interruption.

[Wade]

I fell for it.

[Mark]

You got minus zero for. Think about what you've done. I don't remember what that was.

[Wade]

That could be a lot of things, man.

[Bob]

This was. This one started off real rough for you, didn't it?

[Wade]

Sure did.

[Mark]

But you got the James pity point, which negates the interrupting thing. So we're going to go from here. EKG champion. Molly didn't tell me it was important. Was hoping you'd be one of the hairless ones.

[Wade]

Yeah, she was.

[Mark]

AI Dishub, which your lawsuit is in the map. Snorkel in poop water. Japan pipe. Italian evacuation tube. Very funny. And New Zealand. And air Tillery. It's nine to nine. Oh.

[Bob]

Oh.

[Wade]

That include my minus one?

[Mark]

Yes, that did.

[Bob]

I shouldn't have let you have that air Tillery point.

[Mark]

The air Tillery really got you there.

[Wade]

I shouldn't have let me have that at minus one.

[Bob]

If only.

[Wade]

All right, well, he'll spin it. He'll go to the viewers. We'll get one spin, then it'll be a tie.

[Bob]

Oh, I have to do that. I'm just sitting here like, wow, I can't wait for Mark to pull the wheels up. Right, right. That's my thing. I do that.

[Wade]

We've gotten rusty only doing one episode a week.

[Bob]

I know. After how much we were recording for two weeks. Especially when, like, Mark was like, oh, I'm going to be bathing in blood for the next three weeks, so we'll have to get ahead. Doing one a week. Feels like I don't see you guys for, like, months at a time.

[Mark]

Yeah. But lots to catch up on. It's great.

[Bob]

It's fun.

[Wade]

Even though we've actually been doing games and still spending time recording.

[Bob]

I told you I was going to talk about something before we hit record that I didn't even talk about, and now I'm not gonna.

[Mark]

All right, save it for next time if you don't win.

[Bob]

All right, the total number of spins shall be.

[Mark]

Oh, two.

[Bob]

Two of them. Would you like to add, sir?

[Mark]

Made the judge make this face.

[Bob]

Made the judge make the mark face.

[Wade]

We're not gonna. Wait a minute. What is the mark face?

[Bob]

Also, just so it's on recording, I'm gonna slowly scroll this list because I didn't notice, and I don't know if it's always been. I click this shuffle button every time we spin the wheel just to mix them up. The other button in this pair of buttons is clear all.

[Wade]

Oh, God.

[Bob]

With one fucking click, I could just stop hovering over. No, no, get away.

[Wade]

No, no.

[Bob]

Anyway, so I'm just gonna get this on video. I'm just gonna scroll this list.

[Mark]

That's good. That's good.

[Bob]

Yeah, I'm sure nothing bad will ever happen. We're on 101 entries and I've still never accidentally click that deletes all of the entries. But I'm sure it'll be fine.

[Wade]

Editors, just save that for us somewhere because it sounds like we won't still know where it is, but save that for us.

[Bob]

All right. Two spins it is.

[Mark]

Can't see anything.

[Bob]

Oh, it's the one you just had.

[Mark]

Hey, Wade, you made me make that face because of the poop water.

[Wade]

That was literally.

[Mark]

Hey, that's good.

[Bob]

No.

[Wade]

Have we ever had the days at Edition? Come on.

[Bob]

I don't think so. That was a less than 1% chance of that happening way back in the

[Mark]

beginning when we had less entries. I think it happened, but it's been a long time.

[Wade]

Well, Bob, here comes your point.

[Bob]

A point for Bob and a tie for Mark. A point for Bob and a tie for Mark. Come on, wheel. Oh, lie points don't count. We don't have any lie points. Does that mean we re spin or does that mean it's useless? I forget how we've done this in the past.

[Mark]

I'm good for a respin. I feel like if it doesn't apply, which this doesn't, there are no lie points.

[Wade]

Bob and I would have taken the win. Well, I guess it doesn't count. Move on. We have a winner.

[Bob]

Most personal attacks.

[Wade]

I got attacked the most. I don't know who it.

[Mark]

Yeah, but is this to the attacker or attackee?

[Bob]

I don't feel like I lobbed a lot of personal attacks, but I do feel like Wade got picked on a little bit in this episode. So I'm confused.

[Mark]

So, Bob, you have a point for Wade. Dismisser. I'd say James made the most personal attacks, but either way, Wade was getting attacked.

[Wade]

I think this usually goes to the person who does the attacking.

[Mark]

Okay, if it does, then that would be to Bob, and it would be a tie.

[Wade]

But you're the judge, so you get to the. I guess you rule how you want it to go.

[Mark]

I mean, I think the word of law here applies to most personal attacks, meaning that they did the most, which would be Bob for having Wade dismiss her there. So I think I have to call that a tie.

[Bob]

My son did that. I get credit for that. That.

[Mark]

That's true. Given that he's half your DNA, therefore half.

[Bob]

You still worth one whole point though, right?

[Mark]

Yep, yep, yep. It sure is.

[Bob]

Okay. I thought you were about to lead that into and so it's one half of a point.

[Mark]

And yeah, I could convolute this to get out of the wheel, but I'm going to.

[Bob]

Does that mean we have to do the winter wheel spin?

[Mark]

Yeah.

[Bob]

Brave. Mark is feeling brave. That is.

[Mark]

And for some, my head says it's at 23%.

[Bob]

I have a written down it's 23%.

[Mark]

So plus 2%. So at a solid 25, I think

[Bob]

we add after, don't we?

[Mark]

We add after. Yeah.

[Bob]

So 23% of 360 is. 82.8. 83.

[Wade]

That somehow looks a lot more reasonable than 87 did.

[Bob]

Now it's more like what I thought it was gonna be.

[Mark]

Let's throw down.

[Bob]

Gentlemen, the wheel of fate.

[Mark]

Welcome. Oh, come on.

[Bob]

Oh, God. Oh my God.

[Wade]

It was.

[Bob]

It was not even close. And then it was like actually back to one man show. What the fuck?

[Mark]

Oh, I thought that was man. All right.

[Wade]

That's brutal. Well, Bob, good luck. I'm not even gonna be in town to help write it.

[Bob]

That's not good. I'm the worst at writing these things.

[Wade]

Oh, well, the Bob Mark show.

[Mark]

That's okay. I'll write my own show.

[Wade]

Yeah, Mark, you write your own one man show.

[Mark]

I'll write my own show.

[Wade]

You get you. I'll get me.

[Bob]

It resets to 6% then. Is that the deal?

[Mark]

Yes, it resets to 6. I could have been completely arbitrary in my judging of those previous wheel spins. I feel like this is my entirely my own fault. Nobody wins. Well, I guess. Wait, does this count as a me win or. No, not.

[Bob]

Yeah, I think it's nobody wins.

[Mark]

Yeah, nobody wins or both of you guys win. I can't remember.

[Bob]

Whoever does that in the subreddit, tell us.

[Wade]

Tell us how we do our own shit.

[Bob]

Please tell us how this show works.

[Mark]

God, we need to print out Bible like little bible sized constitutional pocket constitution.

[Bob]

Yeah, it's a living constitution. By which I mean I don't remember.

[Mark]

Anyway, congratulations, guys. You somehow did it. I think you did it. You did it. You both did it.

[Bob]

We did it. Is this a good thing that we that had happened?

[Mark]

Mutual neutral speech.

[Wade]

Neutrally assured destruction.

[Mark]

Wait, your speech first.

[Wade]

Mark, listen. Great episode. It was weird from the start. I knew things were weird last week whenever my heart was acting up and James dismissed me. It only makes sense we'd have a weird ending on this episode. So prepare yourselves for not weird, but just one man show, I guess.

[Mark]

Well done.

[Wade]

I'll be okay.

[Bob]

I'm fine. Don't ignore the fact That I missed the mute button there for a solid 10 seconds. I'm fine. Everything's fine.

[Wade]

Whatever face you were doing. I was like, is this a bit or is he dying?

[Bob]

I know. That's just the face I make when it feels like I'm about to cough up my tongue.

[Wade]

Oh, I don't like that neutral speech.

[Bob]

A non loser speech, we'll call it. Honestly, I feel a little bad. Said I feel like the winner's wheel is always a gamble. And Mark was very fair in his point judgments and was very. Didn't. Didn't do like I do and wheeze a lot of things and make sure he doesn't have to deal with the wheel. But it's because the wheel should have been in his favor, and he really just. He really just got it right on the chin there. But you're a trooper and an honest man and probably more honest than I've ever been on this show. So you have to respect. Respect it. But I have to feel a little bad because you didn't deserve it. But we don't all get what we deserve, do we?

[Mark]

No, we do not, I think. But, hey, next week I'm gonna get something, aren't you? Yeah, I. Yes.

[Bob]

It'll probably be good. Probably.

[Mark]

Either that or we'll forget.

[Bob]

Yeah, I'm gonna text five minutes before and be like, hey, I'm gonna be late. And also, who shall.

[Wade]

No, no, that sounds right.

[Mark]

That does. All right, thank you, everybody, so much for listening and or watching to this podcast. Be sure to follow the podcast for more episodes. You do that by clicking the follow button, wherever that is, and also click the follow button on these lovely gentlemen. It's in the middle of their faces. If you can't find it, then you need to update your device because there's important security enhancements that you probably need. Have a good day. Listen to more distractible podcast out.