Distractible: "Best of Bald (Compilation)" – Summary
Date: December 5, 2025
Hosts: Mark Fischbach, Wade Barnes, Bob Muyskens
Episode Overview
In this playful and candid compilation, the Distractible trio—Mark, Wade, and Bob—dive into the intricacies and absurdities of baldness. The episode curates some of their best conversations about hair loss, head shapes, embracing baldness, and the comedic gold that emerges from this topic. They reminisce about past moments, concoct hypothetical baldness cures, debate whether being bald is a blessing or a curse, and roast each other in familiar Distractible fashion. The lighthearted, affectionate banter reveals real insecurities, self-acceptance, and the power of laughing at oneself.
Key Discussion Points and Insights
Embracing the Bald Life
-
Wade reflects positively on his decision to shave his head:
“I wish I had shaved my head earlier in life…man, I like being bald.” (02:50)
-
Bob worries about his own future baldness and head shape:
“I have a very tall forehead, very flat sides of my head. I’m gonna look like a goddamn Easter island statue…” (02:59)
-
The group jokes about extreme solutions for head shape insecurities, including “head surgery” and “skull replacement surgery,” spiraling into bizarre surgical hypotheticals.
Mark: “Get head surgery. Come on. Just change your head shape.” (03:32)
Bob: “So cut my skull off. Squish my brain into a new, better head shape.” (03:45)
Social Media and The "Bald" Identity
-
Wade details his war with social media after being called bald—ironically, before he actually was:
“One time I posted a tweet... and you know what the first response was? Bald.” (07:07)
-
They joke about the Internet’s power to typecast people and the resulting targeted ads:
Wade: “I think people tweeting the word bald at me has made to where I only get hair loss ads.” (15:22)
Bob: “Well, what do people tweet at me then? Crypto scam.” (15:35)
The Science (and Pseudoscience) of Hair Loss
-
Wade introduces a news article suggesting a “sugar gel” may regrow hair—accidentally discovered in wound-healing studies:
“Apparently there’s some kind of study…they used this sugar gel on mice...their fur started growing back…” (08:30)
-
The science talk derails into slapstick speculation on homegrown baldness remedies:
Mark: “We gotta experiment. We just gotta put random things on your head. Let’s start with tapioca, elk’s blood, and then we’ll try lava…” (10:03)
-
Bob dryly notes the (un)likelihood of sugar causing harm, riffing:
“What’s sugar gel going to do that’s bad? Make you sticky?” (10:36)
Mark: “Was it going to give your head diabetes?” (10:45)
Hair Transplants, Turkey, and “Bald Gurus”
-
Mark brings up the modern phenomenon of flying to Turkey for affordable hair transplants, referencing social media photos of post-surgery travelers:
“Apparently…there’s a horrific picture of…a plane full of people who just had it.” (11:02)
-
Wade describes his “bald guru”—a Russian barber who recommends Turkish medical tourism and dispenses blunt advice about his age and appearance:
“She thought I was 10 years older...she was like, have you thought about going to Turkey and having them do something? You don’t look so old.” (13:34)
Points, Games, and the Distractible Scoring System
- The hosts invent (and subvert) a points system for “bald points,” stringing together running jokes about who’s the “baldest,” fluctuating scores, and coin tosses to determine outcomes.
- They concoct a “bald man’s confidential terms” party game.
Wade: "A bald host…would come up with a catalog of different terms…if one of us…said those things…they don't know saying them gives them points." (18:41)
Legal and Cultural Oddities
- Mark shares the story of a Scottish court finding the word “bald” can constitute sexual harassment:
“Scotland High Court rules. Calling a man bald is sexual harassment…there's a connection between the word bald and the protected characteristic of sex.” (19:33, 21:11)
The Experience of Living Bald
-
The trio floats ideas for “midlife crisis” greeting cards themed around baldness, mixing bleak wit and self-deprecation.
-
They debate the realities of having to shave every day vs. maintaining unwieldy long hair:
Mark: “Would you rather have hair so long it touches the ground and never be able to cut it again…or shave yourself bald every morning?” (32:32)
-
Bob imagines becoming a “hair influencer” if cursed with long, uncuttable hair; Wade extols the simplicity and confidence of being bald.
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)
-
On Head Insecurities:
“I have a terrible head shape for that…I’m gonna look like a goddamn Easter Island statue…”
—Bob (02:59) -
On Social Media Baldness:
“One time I posted a tweet…first response was: Bald.”
—Wade (07:07) -
On Baldness Therapy:
“What if you’re not bald? What if you’re just evolving?”
—Bob (05:42)“That was an incredible chess move. You just got Bob to admit that maybe microplastics might be bad. That’s double points for Wade.”
—Mark (07:19) -
On Bald Remedies:
“We gotta experiment. We just gotta put random things on your head. Let’s start with tapioca…”
—Mark (10:03) -
On Hair Transplants:
“You step off that plane, 10 men jump out with dark cloaks and razors…”
—Mark (12:12) -
On Scottish Law:
“Calling a man bald is sexual harassment. It is when Wade does it.”
—Mark (19:33) -
On Living the Bald Life:
“I like being bald. And the less I gotta shave, the better.”
—Wade (16:49) -
On Choosing Baldness Over Uncuttable Hair:
“Keep me bald and happy, baby.”
—Wade (33:29)“I would make that my personality…I would be okay having the hair and making that…defining characteristic.”
—Bob (34:24)
Important Segment Timestamps
- [02:32] – Opening of “best of bald” compilation, initial takes on being bald
- [03:15–05:00] – Head shape anxieties & surgical hypotheticals
- [07:07–07:25] – Social media’s obsession with Wade’s baldness
- [08:30–10:03] – Sugar gel “hair regrowth” news & slapstick home remedies
- [11:00–13:20] – The Turkey transplant discussion & introduction of Wade’s “bald guru”
- [15:22–16:21] – How algorithms target their “baldness” online
- [19:33–21:11] – The Scottish legal ruling on calling someone “bald”
- [32:32–35:38] – “Would you rather” game: shave bald daily vs. immortal Rapunzel hair
- [36:07–36:37] – Poll results: listeners’ preferences on hair vs. baldness
- [37:03] – Closing remarks and episode sign-off
Tone and Style
The episode is full of comedic riffing, satire, personal anecdotes, faux outrage, and the kind of friendly jabs only longtime friends can get away with. Nothing is off limits, from self-deprecation about head shape to grandiose plans for midlife crisis greeting cards. Through earnest laughter and tangent-heavy storytelling, they reflect modern anxieties around appearance, vanity, and online perception—all while keeping the conversation as unserious as possible.
For New Listeners
If you’ve never heard Distractible before, this episode is a perfect snapshot of their unique chemistry—irreverent, self-aware, and surprisingly relatable. You’ll leave with a smile, perhaps a new appreciation for the bald life, and the comforting knowledge that laughter really is the best hair tonic.