Best of Bald (Compilation)

Summary

Distractible: "Best of Bald (Compilation)" – Summary

Date: December 5, 2025
Hosts: Mark Fischbach, Wade Barnes, Bob Muyskens

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Episode Overview

In this playful and candid compilation, the Distractible trio—Mark, Wade, and Bob—dive into the intricacies and absurdities of baldness. The episode curates some of their best conversations about hair loss, head shapes, embracing baldness, and the comedic gold that emerges from this topic. They reminisce about past moments, concoct hypothetical baldness cures, debate whether being bald is a blessing or a curse, and roast each other in familiar Distractible fashion. The lighthearted, affectionate banter reveals real insecurities, self-acceptance, and the power of laughing at oneself.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

Embracing the Bald Life

• Wade reflects positively on his decision to shave his head:

  “I wish I had shaved my head earlier in life…man, I like being bald.” (02:50)

• Bob worries about his own future baldness and head shape:

  “I have a very tall forehead, very flat sides of my head. I’m gonna look like a goddamn Easter island statue…” (02:59)

• The group jokes about extreme solutions for head shape insecurities, including “head surgery” and “skull replacement surgery,” spiraling into bizarre surgical hypotheticals.

  Mark: “Get head surgery. Come on. Just change your head shape.” (03:32)
  Bob: “So cut my skull off. Squish my brain into a new, better head shape.” (03:45)

Social Media and The "Bald" Identity

• Wade details his war with social media after being called bald—ironically, before he actually was:

  “One time I posted a tweet... and you know what the first response was? Bald.” (07:07)

• They joke about the Internet’s power to typecast people and the resulting targeted ads:

  Wade: “I think people tweeting the word bald at me has made to where I only get hair loss ads.” (15:22)
  Bob: “Well, what do people tweet at me then? Crypto scam.” (15:35)

The Science (and Pseudoscience) of Hair Loss

• Wade introduces a news article suggesting a “sugar gel” may regrow hair—accidentally discovered in wound-healing studies:

  “Apparently there’s some kind of study…they used this sugar gel on mice...their fur started growing back…” (08:30)

• The science talk derails into slapstick speculation on homegrown baldness remedies:

  Mark: “We gotta experiment. We just gotta put random things on your head. Let’s start with tapioca, elk’s blood, and then we’ll try lava…” (10:03)

• Bob dryly notes the (un)likelihood of sugar causing harm, riffing:

  “What’s sugar gel going to do that’s bad? Make you sticky?” (10:36)
  Mark: “Was it going to give your head diabetes?” (10:45)

Hair Transplants, Turkey, and “Bald Gurus”

• Mark brings up the modern phenomenon of flying to Turkey for affordable hair transplants, referencing social media photos of post-surgery travelers:

  “Apparently…there’s a horrific picture of…a plane full of people who just had it.” (11:02)

• Wade describes his “bald guru”—a Russian barber who recommends Turkish medical tourism and dispenses blunt advice about his age and appearance:

  “She thought I was 10 years older...she was like, have you thought about going to Turkey and having them do something? You don’t look so old.” (13:34)

Points, Games, and the Distractible Scoring System

• The hosts invent (and subvert) a points system for “bald points,” stringing together running jokes about who’s the “baldest,” fluctuating scores, and coin tosses to determine outcomes.
• They concoct a “bald man’s confidential terms” party game.

  Wade: "A bald host…would come up with a catalog of different terms…if one of us…said those things…they don't know saying them gives them points." (18:41)

Legal and Cultural Oddities

• Mark shares the story of a Scottish court finding the word “bald” can constitute sexual harassment:

  “Scotland High Court rules. Calling a man bald is sexual harassment…there's a connection between the word bald and the protected characteristic of sex.” (19:33, 21:11)

The Experience of Living Bald

• The trio floats ideas for “midlife crisis” greeting cards themed around baldness, mixing bleak wit and self-deprecation.

• They debate the realities of having to shave every day vs. maintaining unwieldy long hair:

  Mark: “Would you rather have hair so long it touches the ground and never be able to cut it again…or shave yourself bald every morning?” (32:32)

• Bob imagines becoming a “hair influencer” if cursed with long, uncuttable hair; Wade extols the simplicity and confidence of being bald.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• On Head Insecurities:
  “I have a terrible head shape for that…I’m gonna look like a goddamn Easter Island statue…”
  —Bob (02:59)

• On Social Media Baldness:
  “One time I posted a tweet…first response was: Bald.”
  —Wade (07:07)

• On Baldness Therapy:
  “What if you’re not bald? What if you’re just evolving?”
  —Bob (05:42)

  “That was an incredible chess move. You just got Bob to admit that maybe microplastics might be bad. That’s double points for Wade.”
  —Mark (07:19)

• On Bald Remedies:
  “We gotta experiment. We just gotta put random things on your head. Let’s start with tapioca…”
  —Mark (10:03)

• On Hair Transplants:
  “You step off that plane, 10 men jump out with dark cloaks and razors…”
  —Mark (12:12)

• On Scottish Law:
  “Calling a man bald is sexual harassment. It is when Wade does it.”
  —Mark (19:33)

• On Living the Bald Life:
  “I like being bald. And the less I gotta shave, the better.”
  —Wade (16:49)

• On Choosing Baldness Over Uncuttable Hair:
  “Keep me bald and happy, baby.”
  —Wade (33:29)

  “I would make that my personality…I would be okay having the hair and making that…defining characteristic.”
  —Bob (34:24)

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Important Segment Timestamps

• [02:32] – Opening of “best of bald” compilation, initial takes on being bald
• [03:15–05:00] – Head shape anxieties & surgical hypotheticals
• [07:07–07:25] – Social media’s obsession with Wade’s baldness
• [08:30–10:03] – Sugar gel “hair regrowth” news & slapstick home remedies
• [11:00–13:20] – The Turkey transplant discussion & introduction of Wade’s “bald guru”
• [15:22–16:21] – How algorithms target their “baldness” online
• [19:33–21:11] – The Scottish legal ruling on calling someone “bald”
• [32:32–35:38] – “Would you rather” game: shave bald daily vs. immortal Rapunzel hair
• [36:07–36:37] – Poll results: listeners’ preferences on hair vs. baldness
• [37:03] – Closing remarks and episode sign-off

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Tone and Style

The episode is full of comedic riffing, satire, personal anecdotes, faux outrage, and the kind of friendly jabs only longtime friends can get away with. Nothing is off limits, from self-deprecation about head shape to grandiose plans for midlife crisis greeting cards. Through earnest laughter and tangent-heavy storytelling, they reflect modern anxieties around appearance, vanity, and online perception—all while keeping the conversation as unserious as possible.

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For New Listeners

If you’ve never heard Distractible before, this episode is a perfect snapshot of their unique chemistry—irreverent, self-aware, and surprisingly relatable. You’ll leave with a smile, perhaps a new appreciation for the bald life, and the comforting knowledge that laughter really is the best hair tonic.

Transcript

[Bob]

This episode is brought to you by Facebook. You know, when you get that gift that is just like so you. It's perfect. Feel seen, heard, smelt even. Especially when it's a Secret Santa gift. Like, how did Jack from accounting know that I collect vintage action figures?

[Wade]

How do.

[Bob]

That's almost creepy, but actually it's just impressive and sweet. You know, on Facebook, a little connection goes a long way.

[Mark]

You mean Facebook Marketplace? Because all of my gifts that I got you guys are from other people that I found on Facebook Marketplace and the incredible deals that I got from them.

[Wade]

I made my own Secret Santa group so I could give things to myself. And I have been shopping on Facebook Marketplace since you guys mentioned it. And boy, oh boy, the amount of things I can get. For me, there are so many things. Everything is here on Facebook.

[Bob]

True connection is only a click away. Let's reconnect this holiday season with Facebook and turn polite presents into meaningful moments.

This episode is brought to you by Panda Express. If someone wanted to tell me that they love me, all they would need to do is get me some honey walnut shrimp from Panda Express. The message would not be lost in translation. In fact, I might even rather have honey walnut shrimp than words from an actual human mouth hole. If you're trying to get a message to me, Honey walnut shrimp, however you want to say it, say it with delicious, authentically cooked American Chinese cuisine from Panda Express. Have you eaten yet? Order now or visit the Panda Express near you.

[Mark]

This episode is brought to you by Monster Ultra.

[Bob]

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This episode is presented by Panda Express. It shouldn't be difficult, and maybe it's a bit silly, but we've all been there. Sometimes saying I love you is just hard. Whether it's your partner, someone in your family, a good friend. But when you order tasty, authentically cooked American Chinese cuisine from Panda Express, the they'll know what you mean. Because sharing some delicious orange chicken or my personal favorite, the honey walnut shrimp, that means more than words, right? So have you eaten yet? Order now or find your nearest Panda Express.

[Mark]

Slap head, cue ball, hairline, malign, follically challenged and bowling ball aligned. Yes.

It'S Time for best of Bold. I miss your hair.

[Wade]

I don't actually.

[Mark]

Okay, that's fair.

[Wade]

I miss not having all the gray hair, but, like, I wish I had shaved my head earlier in life. I wish I had just bitten the bullet and tried it, because, man, I like being bald.

[Bob]

I will not. I'm not looking forward to. I'm very likely to bald at some point. I am not looking forward to it. I have a terrible head shape for that. I have a very tall, very tall forehead, very flat sides of my head. I'm gonna look like a goddamn Easter island statue when I have to shave my head at some point here.

[Wade]

Well, I seriously considered, like, doing, like, a wig of some kind. Like, trying to get a wig that looked like my old hair and, like, getting one of those, because I didn't know what I would look like. I think if you're actually worried about, like, that's a legit route to go is, like, try to get a wig made that looks like your hair the way it currently is and then not to worry about it. I don't know why it feels like there's almost like.

[Mark]

Get head surgery. Come on. Just change your head shape.

[Wade]

Oh, I thought you meant, like. I thought you meant, like, hair. Hair replace. I was like, there is follicle.

[Mark]

No, no, the problem wasn't the hair. The problem was the head shape. You got to. You got to listen.

[Bob]

So cut my skull off. Squish my brain into a new, better head shape.

[Mark]

Yeah, just shave it all down. Squish it in there.

[Wade]

Can you imagine if they had skull replacement surgery where they just like, literally just took your eyes, put them into a new skull and all that? That'd be awful.

[Bob]

They don't have to take your eyes out. They just cut it off right here and just let your eyes sit in the bottom half while they put the new top half on.

[Wade]

Oh, what if you want a new bottom half, too?

[Bob]

What's that Tom Cruise movie? That's some Face Off.

[Wade]

Minority Report.

[Bob]

Yeah, that's a Minority Report.

[Wade]

The eyes replace the.

[Bob]

Go to a sketchy apartment, and a guy sneezes in your open brain while he. While he puts a new skull on top of you for you so you look different.

[Mark]

The sneeze is good for you. Build your immune system.

[Bob]

There's so many antibiotics or something. It's fine. Lasers. Just calm down.

[Mark]

Also, you shouldn't be awake for this. Go to sleep. What are you doing awake? Noticing my sneezes?

[Wade]

Well, I'm glad we got this into the. I missed that. I Think I do miss that head reconstruction. My hair, I don't miss. I'm glad you miss it. I don't miss it.

[Mark]

That's good. That's good.

[Bob]

I am choosing to lose all my hair. I believe that having hair is against God. Huh? Huh?

[Wade]

You get a bald point.

[Bob]

All right. Never thought I'd get a bald point. Not until I went bald anyway.

[Wade]

If you don't.

[Mark]

If all your hair doesn't fall out in the next five seconds, I don't think that point should count.

[Bob]

Whoa, whoa, editors.

[Wade]

No one ever will tell us apart now. One time I posted a tweet and I was like, hey, hope you're all well. And you know what the first response was? Bald.

[Bob]

That is not the only time that has happened to you.

[Wade]

And since then, I have declared war on social media because I wasn't even bald back then.

[Bob]

Well, you talked about it. You talked about that for a long time. Since way before you were.

[Wade]

Yeah, but back then, it hurt my feelings.

[Mark]

How are you not sure that your baldness wasn't caused by microplastics?

[Wade]

Because I paid someone to shave it and I watched.

[Bob]

What if your hair follicles are clogged by microplastics?

[Mark]

What if you just need to wash better?

[Bob]

What if you're not bald? What if you're just evolving?

[Wade]

When did you say the start of the microplastics or our plastic age was, Bob?

[Bob]

I mean, the. The back half of the 20th century is kind of like the plastic. Plastics came about in the, like, 60s, 50s, 60s.

[Wade]

Okay, well, I've got some old family photos from probably, like, before that. I don't remember, like, great. Great grandpa was also bald.

[Bob]

Oh, sure. Before that. Yeah.

[Wade]

Well, I don't think he was young.

[Bob]

In like, but he lived in the lead and uranium age, so maybe that's unrelated, but unrelated.

[Mark]

That was lead hair loss.

[Wade]

And actually, you know what? My plastics causing baldness I think supports my side, so. Yeah, you know what? It probably did. Oh, my God.

[Mark]

Okay, so you're saying baldness is a bad thing?

[Wade]

It is for some. Have you seen some people's head shapes? Not everyone is defaultly gifted like me.

[Bob]

I have, like, a crease and I have a big mole on the top of my head. I would look, and it's dead center on my head, so it's not like a spot. It would be like a little target on the top middle of my head. I would look not great with a shaved head. And I'm definitely afraid that that's the direction I'm headed, because my Mom's deaf. F was a bald man. And that maybe that might be my future.

[Wade]

You just grow it down here and it distracts people from what's going on up there.

[Bob]

I can't. Do I get to grow a better beard if I. If I go bald? Is that. Does it migrate? Because I can't grow a beard for shit right now.

[Wade]

I mean, mine started around that time, but maybe not everybody.

[Bob]

I haven't shaved in, like, four or five days. You can't even really tell. No hair grows here at all. No, I grow, like, a terrible little shitty mustache.

[Wade]

That's because of microplastics. Maybe. Probably.

[Bob]

Probably. It's almost definitely because. No, I mean.

[Wade]

Ooh.

[Mark]

That was an incredible chess move. You just got Bob to admit that maybe microplastics might be bad. That's double points for Wade Woo.

[Bob]

Microplastics would never harm me. It's probably Wade's fault that nothing grows on my face.

[Mark]

Why is it Wade's fault?

[Bob]

Because his head is setting a terrible example.

[Mark]

Well, you're moving back to Ohio. You're gonna be nearer to the source, the plague bearer of microplastics.

[Bob]

Yeah, well, if I'm bald in a year, then we'll all know that it's Wade.

[Wade]

We know with the amount of processed food I eat, I'm probably 90% microplastic at this point.

[Mark]

Yeah, that probably actually is probably true.

[Wade]

My tits definitely ain't really more. They're pure plastic microplastic.

[Bob]

I feel like that's points for microplastics right there.

[Mark]

Yeah, that sounds like points for microplastics.

[Wade]

Do you think they look good? Thanks, man.

[Bob]

You're going to credit those fabulous bazoinkers.

[Wade]

I'm willing to give Bob those points if it means I look good.

[Mark]

As you are now is exactly what you were then is what we're discovering.

[Wade]

No, no, I'm bald now.

[Mark]

Are you sure you weren't bald then?

[Bob]

You've always been bald.

[Wade]

This is like my Sixth sense moment. Some bald people don't know they're bald looking in the mirror and their hair just disappears. Funny you mentioned that, because I've got some small talk news that's bigger than me.

[Bob]

Like, 6, 5.

[Wade]

July 25, Carla Lee Casella wrote a nice article in Health called Surprise Hair Loss Breakthroughs. Sugar Gel Triggers Robust Regrowth. Oh, apparently there's some kind of study going on where they were doing something with mice, which is pretty typical, and they put this sugar gel on mice. I don't even think it was supposed to be for hair. Loss. It was supposed to be for something else, but they noticed that when they used the sugar gel on the mice, they were like. Their fur started growing back better and thicker than previous things had. And they were like, huh, Wait, is.

[Mark]

It mice with, like, a little bald patch on the top of their head?

[Bob]

How.

[Mark]

How are these mice bald?

[Wade]

I don't know what they had done, but I think they. Whatever they were doing to the mice before, they didn't the fur to grow back, I think.

[Mark]

What were they doing that needed sugar? Is this just sugar? In gel form? You say sugar gel? Yeah.

[Bob]

What is this, Gummy bears? Or what is this?

[Wade]

Deoxyribose gel?

[Bob]

Oh, isn't that DNA?

[Mark]

Doesn't sound like sugar.

[Wade]

But researchers have found it worked just as well as minoxidil, which is a topical treatment for hair loss commonly known by the brand name Rogaine.

[Mark]

Wait, so it's not better?

[Wade]

Oh, how. Dude, I read the article five days ago.

[Mark]

How's that a breakthrough if it's not better than the current treatment?

[Bob]

Same but different is still a breakthrough, Mark. Okay, come on.

[Wade]

I think that they found that this was working, and now they're gonna like, it was by complete accident. That wasn't what that was intended to do. And now they're like, huh, that's crazy. We should investigate this further. I think we're at that step where we don't quite know yet.

[Mark]

We gotta experiment. We just gotta put random things on your head. Let's start with tapioca. We'll move to elk's blood, and then we'll try lava for, like, a quick second.

[Bob]

See?

[Mark]

You know, it might work.

[Bob]

Dude, imagine if lava works.

[Mark]

We won't know until science.

[Wade]

Nice. Icy hot lava. And then absolute zero ice.

[Mark]

Yes, you have some.

[Wade]

Doesn't everyone? Absolute zero calories in my absolute zero ice.

[Bob]

I. It sounds like you should get some sugar gel. Are you going to. Are you saying you're going to try this, or.

[Wade]

I mean, I'm going to wait till they do a little bit more research.

[Bob]

On it, but the thing about this is, unless it's more than it sounds like it is, it doesn't sound like it can hurt you. What sugar. What sugar gel going to do that's bad. Make you sticky?

[Mark]

Yeah, exactly. Was it going to give your head diabetes?

[Bob]

Probably not.

[Mark]

Diabetes is in the feet.

[Bob]

We all know I got skin obedience. It's just diabetes of my head skin from all the sugar gel.

[Mark]

Well, anyway, Wade, that's a great breakthrough.

[Wade]

Hey, it's very important.

[Mark]

You could do what almost every Influencer who's balding does and fly to Turkey. Apparently. That's the, that's the thing. And there's a horrific picture of like a trip to phobia. Picture of a plane full of people who just had it.

[Bob]

Oh, no.

[Mark]

I don't know if you've ever seen pictures of who had just got like the hair transplant surgery is horrifying to look at. And then it's picture. It's a picture in a plane from seeing all these heads from behind and they're just. It's just everyone has just.

[Wade]

Is this the follicle replacement or like the strip?

[Bob]

It's the follicle implants, isn't it? You know what it reminds me of? There's that one doll head in Sid's room in Toy Story where it has, it has the hair like that. It always reminds me. Yeah, no, I get it. I definitely get that. If I. I might be starting to thin out the front here a little bit. And so I don't know what's going to happen. Baldness does kind of run in some of my family.

[Wade]

Me too.

[Bob]

I don't know. I don't think I can do shaved head. I don't know exactly what route to take. I might just have to wear hats 24 7. I'm not entirely sure. I guess I should start putting sugar in my hair and not in my mouth. That'll treat both my diseases.

[Mark]

You just got to go to Turkey. I don't know what happens at the Turkey International Airport, but you step off that plane, 10 men jump out with dark cloaks and razors.

[Wade]

You'll be.

[Bob]

It's not at a hospital. It's just you go. It's like one of those 10 minute hotel nap hotels at the airport. But it's a hair transplant.

[Wade]

I have a hair person who shaves my head who swears by going to Turkey for different things.

[Bob]

Is this serious?

[Wade]

Yeah. Yeah. Actually.

[Bob]

What is the benefit of having her shave your head?

[Wade]

I have really thick hair in the back and there are times where I just flat out don't have time to do it because it actually takes a very long time to get my head as smooth as I'd like to get it. So days like before I'm about to travel because we're doing like a family photo in Minnesota. It's like didn't have a lot of time today. So rather than me spending two hours and like then Molly be like, you left the spot. You left the spot. Like, damn it. I just go there and have them do it. Because it's quick.

[Mark]

He's got a bald guru.

[Wade]

She also apparently is just, like, has all kinds of. Listen, I could talk about that lady for a while. She's so fast. She's the most fascinating person I've met.

[Bob]

Is she from Turkey? Why? How does she have so many Turkey connections?

[Wade]

No, I think she's from Russia, actually.

[Bob]

That's closer to Turkey than we are, probably.

[Wade]

But, yeah, she's got a love web and she loves to go into, like, what's going on in her love life when we talk. And it's always so fascinating, but that's neither here nor there. But she. She's big on, like, telling people to go to Turkey. Because when I came in and she thought I was 10 years older than I am, she was like, have you thought about going to Turkey and having them do something? You don't look so old.

[Mark]

I was like, that's the thing.

[Wade]

Yeah, I could. Is very blunt. Very blunt. But I found something in the article about the mice. They were studying how sugars heal the wounds of mice when applied topically. So the mice had, like, lesions or wounds that, like, no longer had hair growing on them, and they put this on there to help heal the wounds. And they were surprised whenever it was also growing fur back.

[Bob]

No. Yeah. Sugar is good for wounds because it's hygroscopic sugar. Sugar really sucks the juice, you know.

[Wade]

So they haven't actually, as of the time of me reading this article, this doesn't mention them doing any human studies on it, but they were. I've done it with mice. They're like, wow, that's actually pretty effective. Molly sent me that, and I was reading it. I was like, this kind of fascinating.

[Bob]

Molly's sending not very subtle hints. Hey, look at this new treatment. Breakthrough for baldness.

[Wade]

Every now and then I. I wonder. I'm like, do you really, like, be bald?

[Bob]

Yeah. Yeah, it's great.

[Wade]

I'm, like, falling asleep. She likes to browse. Right when she goes to sleep, it's like, what are you browsing over there?

[Bob]

You wake up and she's standing over you with a big vat of sugar gel. Just like, no, sorry, sorry.

[Wade]

Are you hungry? Cereal. Why is my head sticky? Anyway, that's all I got.

This episode is brought to you by Uber. You know that feeling when someone shows up for you when you need it most?

[Mark]

Yeah.

[Wade]

We all need that sometimes. And Uber knows that. Uber isn't just a ride or a meal delivered. It's showing up no matter what.

[Mark]

I think that might be them knocking on the door. And because they're, you know, Uber's really good about getting them right to where you are. To them or the FBI. I'm not 100% sure.

[Bob]

Yep.

[Wade]

When it really matters, whatever it is, you show up or there's a will. We're on our way. Uber on our way. Download the app today.

I think people tweeting the word bald at me has made to where I only get hair loss ads. I think the fact that I look at Twitter and it's just like, wow, Wade is bald. Bald, bald, bald. It's like. Then everything's like, oh, he keeps looking at these bald messages. Maybe he needs some hair.

[Bob]

Well, what do people tweet at me then? Crypto scam.

[Mark]

Do you get nothing but crypto scam?

[Bob]

I get so many crypto scams, guys, half of my entire Twitter everything when I go on that app is just some crypto scam or Web 3.0 NFT, whatever bullshit scam thing. And it's like, neat. I'll be sure to click on that.

[Mark]

Oh, yeah, I got some travel ad, car ad.

[Bob]

I would like car ads. I love cars. Actually.

[Mark]

A lot of car ads. Wait, no.

[Wade]

Why? Let me know if you find a good one. Someone is still looking in this group.

[Bob]

I thought you had one ordered.

[Wade]

Well, we've got one on weight, but that's more for Molly. I still need one.

[Bob]

Ah, can't you just get a Corvette then or something? If Molly's getting a big people mover.

[Wade]

I could just leave and go. Probably buy a car. But, like, I want to figure out which one I want.

[Bob]

You know what you should buy. I was trying to think of something funny, but there are no bald cars.

[Wade]

Wait, are there hairy cars?

[Bob]

I don't know. While I was trying to figure out if there was. It's nothing.

[Wade]

What movie was the Shagging Wagon where it was like a dog called the Shagging Wagon?

[Bob]

Are you talking about the. The dog truck that they drive in? Dumb and dumber.

[Wade]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bob]

Hair fast or slow?

[Wade]

Slow. I like being bald. And the less I got a shave, the better.

[Mark]

He's right.

[Bob]

You're both right. And this is a weird one, but I like getting haircuts. And the idea of like a nice, like, long, relaxing haircut sounds kind of nice. Like it'd be. It'd be like a spa day. I'm imagining. Almost kind of on board with that.

[Mark]

I just don't like getting haircuts because for some. Well, it's my own fault because I don't go to the same person so every time it's a real gamble.

[Bob]

No, I do that too, and it is a real gamble. But I like the reward of when you go and you, you get a good person and you're like, oh, man, this is the best. Because a bad haircut, it's fine, but it's not, it's whatever, not that bad. But a good hair, a surprisingly good haircut.

[Wade]

How long would a haircut taken slow. I guess it wouldn't matter if you only do it once every however long.

[Bob]

Yeah, I mean, I'm imagining it'd be like a whole day or something. Have to be kind of. Because hair. I don't know. What's a hair? How long do you think a haircut.

[Wade]

Is okay to be bald man? I got to, I got to shave a little bit more frequently than most people. So it's like, it takes, we'll say an hour every week or two. Unless you came up with a daily, because daily you can kind of get one of those things. Just go over it a little bit. Maintaining bald is harder than maintaining hair as far as, like, the shaving you do a lot more frequently.

[Bob]

Anyway, we all agreed, so I think.

[Wade]

One of the best distractible topics would be, huh?

Bald man's confidential terms. Ooh. Where the bald guy has confidential terms that you guys have to figure out.

[Mark]

It's like a bald confessional.

[Wade]

Yes, sure.

You know, I got an idea for later.

[Mark]

All right, continue. What's bald? So it's not a bald confessional, it's bald confidential terms.

[Wade]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So basically, I would, I mean, a bald host, any bald host of us would come up with a catalog of different terms and terminologies, sentences, and assign points. If one of you other, one of us other hosts were to say those things. Wow. But they don't know that saying them gives them points. They just have to be confused as to why they're getting point.

[Mark]

That's incredible. I, I, I didn't even give Bob a chance to come up with the title of his future episode that I'm going to do. So I'm going to award you the points and the points for the title because you just clearly swept and, and, and deserved it all because he told.

[Wade]

Me to go first and I went for it.

[Mark]

I appreciate that and I appreciate you. You got big points coming your way. Oh, there's a. Here's one to you, Wade. This is, this is a very, a high court. I don't know which court, but it seems like Scotland High Court rules. Calling a man bald is sexual harassment. It is when Wade does it.

[Wade]

I have so many lawsuits coming toward.

[Mark]

You viewers and listeners in the Scotland. Yes.

[Wade]

Just so happens I might have land in Scotland.

[Mark]

Ah, maybe.

[Bob]

Are you a lord?

[Wade]

I've got a one foot by one foot land square that makes. Makes me a lord. It might not be Scotland, but I think it is. It was a birthday gift.

[Mark]

It follows a lengthy legal case brought by electrician Tony Finn, who claimed he had been sexually harassed by his boss during a heated row in 2019. Mr. Finn, 64, made the claim against the British Bung Company where he worked as an electrician for 24 years before he was fired in 2021. Yes, the British Bung. Yes, that British Bung Company.

[Bob]

Oh, okay.

[Wade]

I remember watching the British Bung off. Yeah.

[Mark]

He said he was a victim of sexual harassment after comments were made about his baldness, including being called a stupid bald C. Sensor. Sensor. Sensor. That could be cock. It could be cunt. It could be crap. Fill in the blanks.

[Bob]

Cream, but spelled wrong. Sizzler. But spelled really wrong. Crisp with no I.

Crank with no N.

[Wade]

A cart.

[Bob]

Jolly young fellow.

[Wade]

Candy.

[Mark]

Canned C, A, N, D. You got it.

[Wade]

Carp.

[Bob]

Carp. Oh, you bald carp.

[Mark]

You stupid bald carp. The three person employment tribunal panel, the highest court in Scotland, apparently said the remark, quote, crossed a line. It dismissed an argument that the comment was not sexist because women can be bold too. The judgment said there was a connection between the word bald and the protected characteristic of sex. Noting that it is, quote, much more prevalent in men than women. Judge Jonathan Brain added, we find it inherently related to sex.

[Bob]

So this sounded like it's not a joke.

[Mark]

It's not a joke at all. Why would you think it was a joke?

[Bob]

Because you said, this has to be a joke when you started reading it and I was thinking it.

[Wade]

That's true. You did.

[Mark]

No, no, I said it had to be fake. I couldn't believe it because I was aghast. I was aghast.

I was like, I can't believe this world we live in. Aghast.

[Wade]

I can't tell you the number of times I've walked by like a Scottish construction site, just heard them like, whistle and go, bald. The bald calling. I'm glad it's coming to an end.

[Mark]

In a perfect American accent, they are bald, bald, bald.

[Wade]

Bald.

[Bob]

It's disgusting for some reason because they're on a construction site. It's just like a. Like a New York accent in Scotland. It's like, oh, I can't even do it.

[Wade]

Hey, you're bald in here.

[Bob]

Look at this guy, Baldy.

[Mark]

Anyway, that's it.

[Wade]

Great article, man. That was a good find. I'm glad that. I'm glad that my kind is finally getting the recognition and treatment we deserve.

[Mark]

It's only fair.

[Bob]

Does that mean we have to stop saying that to you? Do you want. Would you like us to make fun of you in different ways?

[Wade]

I've just always considered it flirting. And you guys are welcome to continue. Okay. I'm kinky and I like it. They start calling you Harry instead, that is offensive. And I'm going to take you to the highest court of Ohio.

[Bob]

The Ohio Labor Tribunal. No.

[Wade]

Yeah.

[Mark]

I love a tribunal. We got an inherent tribunal thing going on here, and I think that's the reason why we're so successful.

[Wade]

There's always three. Is that why it's called a tribunal? Never mind.

I see. Now I understand what the name.

[Bob]

You don't see a lot of bi. Bunals in the DoT.

[Wade]

Tribunal. No mobunal, if you're being formal.

What are we doing? Small talk.

[Mark]

The words are tooth fairy, hairy, Wade, bald, water, Wade.

[Bob]

Your word is tooth, ache, dentist, mouth, saliva, drink, water, rinse, repeat, brush, hair, gum, chewy, granola, bar, hippie, peace, love, happiness. Happiness, but spelled wrong, like in the Will Smith movie.

[Wade]

Slap.

[Bob]

Anger, Jack Nicholson. What? Jack Nicholson.

[Mark]

Oh, I thought you said testicles. All right, okay.

[Bob]

No Jack Nicholson, Tiger woods trash into me.

All right?

[Mark]

We'll end it there.

[Bob]

All right.

[Mark]

Bob, you got two.

[Bob]

Yeah. What?

[Wade]

What about me?

[Mark]

Wade, you got none. Bob, you might have gotten one and a half, but I'm willing to give you.

[Wade]

I swear to God, if one of them is happiness, but spelled differently.

[Mark]

No, that's not what it is. So my. My train of thought went from tooth fairy, hairy, and, Bob, you said hair. So I would be like. I'd give that half a point, but. Or a full point, depending on what things.

[Bob]

Fair.

[Mark]

Wade. That was my next word. Bald water, which you said.

[Bob]

What? Bald water.

[Mark]

I'll give you a bonus point if you can explain how I got to water.

[Wade]

I think of the drowned man a lot when I think of Wade. A is the second letter in both. And whenever you see my head, it makes you kind of get all salivaty and drooly and wet, and it makes it like water.

[Bob]

I know why you said water. You said bald, but you were actually still hung up on Wade. And you were like, what else goes with Wade? You Wade in water.

That's. There's no way that's what you have written down.

[Mark]

You're so close, but so wrong. All Right. So neither of you get it.

[Bob]

Well, what did you write down? What does it say?

[Mark]

The last three words were Wade, bald and water. And then I think of the drowned man a lot when I think of Wade. Wade, you were in it. Water. Your whole house was flooded forever.

[Wade]

You know, I'm glad. The things I try to block out from memory are the things you associate with me.

[Mark]

We made a documentary.

[Wade]

I lived it.

[Bob]

I have a T shirt with that on it.

[Mark]

Exactly. We sold a T shirt to help pay for your walls.

[Wade]

I have the shirt too, which is kind of productive to helping me.

[Bob]

I want a card that you send someone when they start having their midlife crisis. This is like a congratulations on your midlife crisis greeting card or something. Can be anything. We live in a world where I can take any picture I want or I can buy stock photography and get things printed. So the world, the world is your oyster.

[Mark]

Got it. Mark on the front, right?

[Wade]

Uh huh.

[Mark]

It's not so bald. You open it up, packet of hair stapled inside. Like you can have it as a keepsake. So it's like. And it can pop out at you too.

[Bob]

Be like, here it's on like a spring. You open it and the hair is just like boing, boing.

[Mark]

Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it's got a sound bite in there, but it's that guy from spongebob going, my eyes, my eyes.

[Wade]

Not everyone has to go bald in their midlife crisis. You could just be bald before.

[Bob]

It's that the crisis is not because of the bald, but that is. I feel like a lot of people will like get hair transplants because they're having a midlife crisis and they're like, ah, I can't be bald, I can't stay like this. I don't think you have to do that. I think some people look really good with a fully shaved head.

[Wade]

Yeah, So I had a different idea.

So you remember like the old Captain America. So you're having a midlife crisis?

[Bob]

Sure.

[Wade]

So it doesn't have Captain America, but it says, so you're having a midlife crisis. And it shows like, I don't know, a middle aged guy, maybe, full head of hair, but graying or bald. And then like, I don't know, like a strapping model in the front seat of like a Corvette convertible going down like a nice gold paved road. And then you open it up and the Corvettes crashed and on fire and there's bodies on the ground. It just says, expectations versus reality.

[Mark]

You're going to die.

[Bob]

Is that a Threat or it's just.

[Wade]

As expectations versus reality.

[Bob]

It just has that. That gives a threatening aura to me.

[Mark]

Yeah.

[Wade]

Don't go through it. Don't do it.

[Bob]

Don't get the hair transplants. Or maybe I see what you're going for. Little. Little ominous, little threatening.

[Mark]

You could kind of read that as opening as like it's already over. You know, you might as well accept that, you know, the inevitability of your demise. It could happen at any moment, you know, so why even try?

[Wade]

That's really dark. Why is my so dark?

[Mark]

There's that guy that thinks that being brutally honest is the equivalent of being interesting. You know, we're like, I'm better than anyone because I always tell my friends like it is. Hey, you look like shit today, Bob.

[Wade]

Hey, Wade.

[Mark]

What the fuck happened to your hair?

[Wade]

Whoa. It's gone. Genet.

Man.

[Bob]

I don't like that guy.

[Wade]

I do get that one guy at every stream who their comment is just wager bald. Every stream someone thinks that's like an original comment. There's one person that comes in. That's all they say.

[Mark]

You don't understand. They just had a surgery that gave them vision for the first time in nine years. And they. They just. Their. Their first instinct was to come to watch your stream because it's what they wanted to see. And they just. They're so flabbergasted.

[Bob]

You don't sound bald.

[Mark]

I swear I hear hair swishing back and forth as he speaks. Must be his beautiful head of hair.

[Bob]

You have the confidence of a much more healthily haired man. It comes through in your voice.

[Wade]

I used to watch Wade for years and years. I thought really highly of him. Till I found out he was. Well, bald. Well, bald.

[Bob]

Yep.

[Mark]

Maybe he had hair before the event and it just like.

[Wade]

How do you think we bald?

[Bob]

I don't know.

[Mark]

There's emergency balding. It's like a lizard's tail when you gotta escape real fast.

[Wade]

It just. I did used to keep a glass thing on the wall. In case of emergency, you break the glass to bald. I don't have that anymore. But you are right. You know what? Points for remembering that.

[Bob]

Please end in a tie for Wade. Please end in a tie.

[Wade]

Keep going, keep going, keep going.

[Bob]

I mean it's. Is it between Mark and I who's the baldest? Or is it.

[Wade]

It's supposed to be.

[Bob]

I have. I'm receding. You can see I have a little. I have a little. It's receding.

[Wade]

Do we just re spin this one?

[Mark]

Look at this it's like if you pull it apart, it's really bald.

[Bob]

If I go like this, it looks like I'm just all the way bald.

[Mark]

I have really. I have the Vegeta hairline, remember?

[Wade]

Dude, if you could come in here with your hair up like Vegeta's.

[Bob]

My hairline goes as far back as my ears are over here. It's. It's climbing.

[Wade]

If I.

[Mark]

Wait, if I lean back like this, do you.

[Bob]

You have so much hair, you can't even do it.

[Mark]

I have a. I have a large crown. See?

[Wade]

If we're doing this, I think Bob has more forehead exposed. What's the. What's your thing, Mark? Mark, you're all. What is it? Mid face. Bob's all forehead. I'm sorry.

[Bob]

Wait. Just try and negotiate the point so that he doesn't do the one minute shows.

[Wade]

So honestly. Well, the funny thing is, right now you guys are tied. So if either one of you get this point.

[Bob]

Yeah, so you're just trying to make it so you don't get the point for baldist.

[Wade]

No, I can take the point. I just said. I don't know if it's between you two, we should re spin, but if it lands on like listeners or viewers. You want me to take the point for baldness? I'll take the point.

[Bob]

Nah, nah, you're the host. Don't let me talk you into it.

[Wade]

I'm the baldest. You know what? You. I'm the baldest. We will do the tie spin.

[Bob]

That's unfair.

[Mark]

I'm the baldist. If I win, I'm bald.

[Bob]

Oh, wait. So if Mark wins, he's bald. If Mark loses, all heads. Mark is bald. All tails, Bob is bald. No. Well, the. It would be doubly unfair, which would mean Wade would get two points.

[Wade]

Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, I guess between me and him.

[Bob]

Wade has to do two one man shows.

[Wade]

I don't think that's how we're doing this. Heads for Mark. Anything else? Doesn't really matter.

Fell on the floor.

[Mark]

Do I do that again?

[Bob]

Yeah, I would re flip. I would say that's a reflip for Mark. You've better flip carefully though, because mine was tails.

[Mark]

It landed tails on the floor. I'm not lying about that. That's what it.

[Bob]

I mean, it's pretty immature. Again, you. It doesn't. I don't think it changes it either way, does it?

[Wade]

That would give me two points.

[Bob]

Is that enough to affect the outcome?

[Wade]

Wade, no.

[Mark]

Tails.

[Wade]

All right, well, you know what? At least I beat the listeners Wade.

[Mark]

You have a choice here, and I made this one specially for you. It's worth double points, two whole big points.

[Wade]

I think I'm down by eight. So this is where my comeback begins. Yeah.

[Mark]

Okay. Would you rather have hair.

[Bob]

Go on.

[Mark]

That is so long it touches the ground and never be able to cut it again, so it will always be at least your height in length, or shave yourself bald every morning?

[Bob]

It's hard to imagine what it would even feel like to shave yourself bald every morning.

[Wade]

Yeah, that's weird.

[Bob]

That sounds.

[Wade]

Sounds like a lot of effort. However, coming from the once having hair club, I know how annoying having hair can be. And watching Molly, like, try to brush her hair, wash her hair and all that. Having hair that long and that much of it. If you want to dye that hair, if you want to, like, brush it, put it up into a certain. Like, that is going to be so much more work. Thank you.

Keep me bald and happy, baby.

[Mark]

I like that. I like that.

[Wade]

He's picking shape.

[Mark]

Bald every morning. You're gonna look. I do agree, like, kind of in a way, having that long hair might be inconvenient, but also, you know, luscious locks, you could wear them in a certain style, but. Bob, what's your answer?

[Bob]

I wish I actually did have hair that long because that's the kind of quality that when a person has it, it becomes their entire life and you don't have to do anything else. And we live in a world where, if that was my. If that was my curse, I would make. I would make that my personality. I would make that my job. I would be like a hair influencer or whatever. Like, yeah, it would be a lot of work, but that would. That would subsume everything about my life, and I wouldn't have to have any other aspects to my personality. That would just be who I was, what I did all the time, and I could get help with it. You know, a hair stylist, hairdresser, whatever her. I'm not saying that I know for sure what that would be like, but I would be okay having the hair and making that. That would be a very defining characteristic. And I've always thought I'm a nondescript, non interesting, average looking, like, you know, dude. Like, I'm just some guy. I thought. I think it would be interesting to live that life where you're such a distinctive person, because there are definitely people in the world where it's like, there's a thing. There's a thing about you that clearly defines how you look, who you Are. And you clearly embrace that. That. I think that would be interesting. It might be difficult, but I would.

[Wade]

Choose that you go to vacuum. The vacuum is clogged from one hair. A piece of hair gets into your food, you turn into a magician where.

[Mark]

You'Re like, oh, well, I think you.

[Bob]

Probably just stop swallowing initially. You don't need to swallow the whole length of the hair.

[Wade]

Sometimes it gets, like, you know, like, if it gets caught up in, like, a pastry or something you make and you don't know it, and, like, the very end, you're like.

[Bob]

I think if it was. If it was that long and it was continuously going, I would probably notice that at some point and be like, oh, let me pull that out.

[Wade]

Well, it can be wrapped up in, like, one little hairball that you.

[Mark]

Well, then you just swallow the hair.

[Bob]

I would just not eat the hairball. Yeah, I would just feel like you.

[Wade]

Would notice it, but point being being bald. So much easier, and I look great.

[Bob]

I definitely agree that it's easier and you pull it off. I don't think I could pull off ball. I think I have a really ugly.

[Wade]

I didn't think so either till I did it.

[Bob]

I have, like, a big. I have, like, a mole thing that I can feel is, like, a lump right here.

[Wade]

I got a couple. Like, you know, I've got a bump somewhere. I don't know where it is. I got a couple bumps on my head. Just hard to notice. Plus, we're tall, Bob. No one sees the top of our head unless we want them to.

[Bob]

It's easily concealed. That's true.

[Mark]

Absolutely. I think. I guess. I wouldn't know. But this one is also split 50%. It's even closer of a margin than the other one because it's. It's 338 to 333.

[Wade]

This is people afraid of being bald and afraid what they look like bald.

[Mark]

And the winner of this point was 338,000 versus 300 and basically 34,000.

[Bob]

Is Wade shaving bald every morning?

[Wade]

Just specifically me?

[Bob]

Yes. You get this specific. Would you want to have long hair.

[Wade]

Or have Wade shave his head every morning? Which one?

[Bob]

You've been waiting for it, and here it is. Wade, this is your reward point for being bald.

[Wade]

I already won best hair, like, a couple of weeks ago or whatever it was. So, like, that's true. Best hair, best bald. I'm the best me. All you other Wades and other timelines yourself. I'm number one, baby. Put me on a boat and I'm bugged.

I don't know why I did that.

[Mark]

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