Best of Mark: Part 1 (Compilation)

Summary

Distractible: Best of Mark – Part 1 (Compilation)

Release Date: November 10, 2025
Hosts: Mark Fischbach, Wade Barnes, Bob Muyskens

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Episode Overview

This compilation episode celebrates some of the funniest and most unpredictable moments centered around Mark Fischbach. With Wade and Bob joining the chaos, this "Best of Mark" episode features wild story-telling, ridiculous analogies, heated (and hilarious) debates, and the trio's signature absurdist banter. This recap skips the episode’s sponsor segments and dives straight into the core, covering sketches involving metaphors gone awry, improv horror prompts, bizarre animal adventures, and the truly unhinged “cannoli/hot dog” debate.

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Key Themes and Discussion Points

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1. Absurdist Storytelling and Improvisation

• Ship of Theseus... for Sex Ed?!

  • Mark answers, “Where do babies come from and what are they made of?” with a lengthy ship analogy, equating shipyards to anatomy and shipwrights to, well, sperm.
    • Memorable exchange:

      [06:45] Mark: “Okay, so let's think of the shipyard as a penis. Right? You know what a penis is?”
      [06:58] Bob: “Yeah, my penis is a shipyard.”

  • The metaphor continues, blending reproductive science with surreal, nautical imagery.

    • [10:17] Mark: “…built a ship. Okay. More like. Okay, imagine there was a glowing, ethereal orb in the middle of the shipyard that was birthed from the ocean. And then the shipwright was like, ‘this is my hole. It's meant for me.’”

• Birth as a Cataclysmic Boat Launch

  • Mark’s “sex ed” saga climaxes with childbirth as a traumatic ship launch.

    • [10:51] Mark: “...in a cataclysmic, extremely painful, catastrophic, bloody event was launched. You ever seen a ship launch before?”

    • Bob, the fictive “student,” recoils:

      [11:22] Bob: “It looks like somebody's dying.”
      [11:24] Mark: “No, sometimes. Sometimes.”

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2. Improv Horror Prompts & Mark’s Unique Mind

• "I heard the doorbell ring, but I wasn't expecting anyone"

  • Bob prompts Mark to make this the first line in a horror scenario, and Mark delivers with deadpan weirdness:

    • [12:55] Mark: “Especially since I was in a tent.”

    • [13:13] Mark: “Yeah, it's terrifying. You're camping out in the woods. Ding dong, fuck you. Done.”

• "Beautiful Antique Mirror" Prompt

  • Bob tries to steer Mark into horror tropes:

    • [32:23] Bob: “Don't you guys, like, play a lot of scary games... our instinct is not to perpetuate the scary. It's kind of to make fun of it.”

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3. Bizarre Pig Orgasms (The ‘Penthouse Forum’ Saga)

• Mark narrates, at Bob and Wade’s prompting, the ongoing fate of an “orgasming pig” about to be slaughtered—over several improv rounds and dice-rolls.

  • Milk buckets, fake heart attacks, shit attacks, tractor chases, and elaborate escapes all ensue.

    • [14:50] Mark: “Dear Penthouse Forum, I never thought it would happen to me. There I was Betsy. Oh, man. You've seen a pig before, right? ...Look down, it's not Betsy. It's a pile of straw wrapped in a blanket.”

    • [20:29] Mark: “…I have very few fluids left in my body, but I decide to shit all over him. That'll teach him a lesson he'll never forget.”

• Mark riffs on the story, even after “dying,” returning ghostlike to continue the saga, increasingly convoluted and hysterical:

  • [22:21] Mark: “Hey, what's up, guys? Back from the afterlife here? Want to finish this episode out strong?”

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4. Defeat by Plastic Fork

• A torturous guessing game:
  • Mark, exasperated, fails to deduce that the correct answer was a “plastic fork,” missing the forest for the trees.

    • [16:44] Bob: “Mark, it's obviously a tooth rack.”

    • [16:47] Mark: “Is it a spork?...Spoon. Plastic spoon. No. Plastic fork.”

    • [16:59] Bob: “It's a plastic fork.”

    • Mark laments the unfairness for several minutes:

    • [18:29] Mark: “Why have you done this to me? Why have you done this to me?”

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5. Unhinged Food Analogies: Bread, Soup, Cannoli & the Bread Bowl Baby

• Mark goes on a metaphysical tear, arguing that cannoli, hot dogs, rolled bread, tacos—they’re all “the same thing.”

  • [31:15] Mark: “I don't think there's. There's any difference between a cannoli and a hot dog. Or like cannoli and bread and butter and anything like that. It's a rolled piece of bread. They all fall within. A taco is a cannoli...”

  • Bob and Wade run with the absurdity, escalating to:

  • [41:10] Mark: “...babies are mostly soup. It's a bread bowl. Oh no.”

  • [41:48] Bob: “Babies are soup in a bread bowl. But they're mostly soup.”

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6. Technical Difficulties & Fourth-Wall Breaks

• Mark at one point is “sent to Guam” by editing, and the show breaks continually for side conversations about podcast mechanics, game rules, breaking the AI (ChatGPT) rhyming generator, and more.

  • [23:13] Bob: “Just to translate it into something that's comprehensible. I think Mark just let us know that ChatGPT just told him he can't do any more queries for a while.”

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7. Mark's Epic Victory Songs & Signature Laughter

• After a bizarre series of pig adventure rounds, Mark sings a winner's song in a ridiculous voice, to the delight of all.

  • [35:08] Mark (singing): “I'm the best, I'm the best, I'm better than all of the rest...”

  • [35:41] Mark: “Kudos to Pluto's.” (delivered with an instantly legendary, almost inhuman laugh)

• Bob and Wade encourage Mark to try and replicate the laugh, sparking more failed, hilarious attempts and injury to Mark’s "epiglottis."

  • [36:09] Bob: “No, you know what makes it happen, Mark?...You have to say kudos to Pluto's. That’s how you get that to come out of you. If you could recreate that sentence, I will give you four points, Mark.”

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Notable Quotes & Moments by Timestamp

• Mark as Sex Ed Teacher:

  • [06:45] “Let's think of the shipyard as a penis. Right? You know what a penis is?”
  • [10:51] “...in a cataclysmic, extremely painful, catastrophic, bloody event was launched. You ever seen a ship launch before?”

• Horror Prompt Improv:

  • [12:55] “Especially since I was in a tent.”
  • [13:13] “Ding dong, fuck you. Done.”

• Agony over Plastic Fork:

  • [16:59] “It's a plastic fork.”
  • [18:29] “Why have you done this to me? ...I was like, there's no way it'd be that man. Plastic fork. A plastic fork. Why?”

• Food as Metaphor for Everything:

  • [31:15] “I don't think there's. There's any difference between a cannoli and a hot dog...A taco is a cannoli.”
  • [41:10] “Babies are mostly soup. It's a bread bowl. Oh no.”
  • [41:48] “Babies are soup in a bread bowl.”

• Victory Song/Laughter:

  • [35:08] “I'm the best, I'm the best, I'm better than all of the rest...Kudos to Pluto's.”
  • [36:05] “I don't know if I could do that again.”
  • [36:53] “I'm Woody the Woodpecker now.”

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Timestamps for Highlight Segments

• [03:52]–[05:12]: Mark sent to “Guam” via editing; surreal geography jokes.
• [05:34]–[11:55]: Mark’s infamous “sex ed via ships” bit—where babies come from.
• [12:28]–[14:01]: Improv horror prompt round—tent and doorbell scenario.
• [14:03]–[22:00]: The orgasming pig narrative—Mark’s Penthouse Forum segments.
• [16:33]–[18:29]: “Plastic fork” guessing game disaster.
• [22:21]–[24:10]: Mark returns as a ghost, more games, rhyming bits.
• [27:32]–[29:28]: Mark’s Tesla “cowbell mode” story.
• [29:33]–[31:40]: Food is Everything—the cannoli, bread bowl, soup, and baby analogy spiral.
• [35:08]–[37:13]: Mark’s winner speech, unique laugh, and attempts to recreate it.
• [40:12]–[41:57]: Babies as soup, bread bowls, and philosophical debate wrap-up.

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Summary: Why Listen?

This “Best of Mark” episode is a masterclass in surreal, improvisational comedy and absurd debate, championing the show’s core strength: three friends riffing endlessly, puncturing each other’s logic, ego, and sanity. Mark’s off-the-wall metaphors, Bob’s straight-man counterpoints, and Wade’s dry humor all shine. The result: hours fly by in a flurry of laughter, confusion, and moments that will haunt (and entertain) listeners for days.

Ultimate takeaway:

Babies are mostly soup. It’s a bread bowl. Oh no.

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Listen for:

• Mark’s legendary metaphors
• Ridiculous improv sagas
• Unforgettable laughter
• Debate over plastic forks and cannolis
• The trio’s singular comic chemistry

[All timestamps in MM:SS.]

Transcript

[A]

This episode is brought to you by Facebook. The holidays bring people home. Facebook brings people together. From spontaneous messages that lead to overdue catch ups, to finding new communities and friends to go on tangents with. Like in your favorite podcast Facebook group on Facebook, a little connection goes a long way, especially the night before Thanksgiving.

[B]

Facebook is the only way I keep track of like a lot of my family members around the holidays. We're all like nostalgic and remembering like the time that we could all fit under while. And so we all reach out like, oh, have these stories and such, which is actually really, really nice.

[C]

But you know, it's even better than that things. Facebook Marketplace is my favorite, but it's even more fun when I have to go visit my stupid parents around the holidays and I can pull up Facebook Marketplace and see what's for sale around their house.

[B]

I caught up with a friend I hadn't talked to.

[A]

What'd you buy?

[B]

A few moments of their time.

[A]

You had to pay for that. Lame. Let's reconnect this holiday season with.

[C]

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[B]

This episode is brought to you by Welch's Fusions, the newest drop from Welch's Fruit Snacks. We've got to warn you about the consequences of eating Welch's Fusions. It's like three dudes hanging out on a rooftop talking about the future.

[A]

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[C]

Three dudes on a roof installing solar panels so that they can power their computers and record their brilliant idea for a podcast.

[A]

Pretty awesome consequences if you ask me. New Welch's Fusions are so good. Each one is a combination of two fruity flavors in one juicy bite. One flavor on the outside, another on the inside.

[B]

It's an unbelievable taste sensation. So they are recommended for experienced taste buds only. You've been warned. New Welch's Fusions, please use responsibly.

[A]

This episode of Distractable is presented BY T mobile 5D home Internet. Okay, how do you guys know when someone's really your friend?

[C]

I don't know.

[B]

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[C]

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[A]

Guarantees monthly price of fixed wireless 5D Internet data exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Service delivered via 5G network. Speeds very new to factor affecting cellular networks. Guarantee exclusions. Detail@t mobile.com homeinternet hence again, we return to mirth. Most flighty delving deep in the vault most mighty. It's time for Best of Mark Part one.

[C]

Marker's in a nuclear test range.

[B]

Hey, if we do another ad bit with meteors or like explosions. You've got it.

[A]

Hey, I ordered a new mattress. Ding dong O. This is so dumb.

[B]

Oh, so we have an idiot, a sleep deprived guy and a sick guy doing a podcast episode today and this is what you get.

[A]

Oh, the bomb.

[B]

It's like when you give toddlers technology and they make their first video and it's like really shitty and they look at it embarrassed, 20 years later, like, what was I thinking? Mark is either gone or sitting very still. Hello?

[C]

He's thinking.

[A]

Hello. Hello.

[B]

Let's try a simple one. Mark, how many fingers?

[C]

Hello? Oh, wait, I know how to fix this. Mark, how many fingers?

[A]

Hello?

[B]

I texted you.

[A]

Hello.

[B]

You know what, Bob? I'm gonna give you a good Internet point.

[C]

Thanks. That seems fair.

[A]

Hello? They tried to take me out. It didn't work. The world government.

[C]

Oh, sweet fucking Jesus.

[A]

No, no, not again.

[B]

Hello?

[A]

I'm getting out of here. Let's leave. You and me, Wade. Three, two, one.

[C]

Whoever leaves first wins. Wade is clearly right there. Neither a few left.

[A]

Editors send me to Guam, put me in Guam.

[C]

I have no idea what that. Why do you look like you're underwater? I don't think Guam is underwater.

[A]

Look at all this. Guam. Is that offensive?

[C]

No idea. Probably.

[A]

I feel offended.

[B]

You know, to be fair to Mark, I looked up Guam and the first image was a beach.

[C]

Oh, pretty close.

[B]

Guam is a U.S. island territory in Micronesia.

[A]

Because I know there's a military. A lot of military presence. And John, who is on an aircraft carrier, they would dock there. And that's actually where he spent all.

[B]

Of COVID Oh, these guys are. They know the future. Guam's World War three significant. Oh, that's two. That's a two. I can read.

[A]

Hey, Bob. Bobby boy, have A seat, Have a seat. Have a seat. Have a seat.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Have a seat. All right. Okay. So I heard from your teacher that you were asking some questions that the teacher was legally not allowed to disclose to you, given the laws currently implemented in the state that we're in. Was not legally allowed to answer the questions for you. So I have taken it upon myself to create a slideshow presentation to guide you through this process. But why don't you just ask me? Ask. Ask me. Ask me anything.

[C]

Ask me anything.

[A]

I mean, to start it off, I've got a whole thing here, but, you know, I want to hear from you.

[C]

I just curious. How. Where do babies come from and what are they made of?

[A]

Excellent question, excellent question. Have you heard of the ship of Theseus?

[C]

You know, I have a memory of that. Almost like a fever dream from earlier in my life. I think so.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Good, good. Okay. All right. So a baby. Think of it like a ship. You like ships, right?

[C]

Yeah, ships are cool.

[A]

Yeah. So. So.

[C]

So.

[A]

But instead of a built ship, you gotta. You gotta, like, build a ship at some point, right? It starts from nothing.

[C]

Sure. In the shipyard.

[A]

But an idea. It's an idea of a thing.

[C]

Right? Yeah.

[A]

Okay, so let's think of the ship yard as a penis. Right? You know what a penis is?

[C]

Yeah, my penis is a shipyard.

[A]

Let's just think of it that way. This is our world of imagination right now.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

All right, so the shipyard is looking at, let's say, the ocean. Think of the ocean as what's called a vagina. Let me just show you the slide of a vagina. And you probably haven't seen one. This is a vagina, right?

[C]

Sure.

[A]

Clitoris, the clitoral hood, the mons pubis. You've got the labia minora and majora. Right?

[C]

Where.

[A]

Hmm?

[B]

What is.

[C]

Where is. Where is that at?

[A]

Don't worry.

[C]

Do I have one of those?

[A]

This is just so you think of the ocean when you look at this. Think of the ocean, okay? You're looking at this. Think of the ocean. You know, the ocean with the waves and splashing all around. Right?

[C]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Don't think of it. Let me go now to the penis. Right now. This is a penis.

[C]

That's not what mine looks like.

[A]

That's okay. Don't worry. It's. Don't worry about it right now. Okay, you see, this is the shaft. This is the cavernosa majorum. This is the perennial. Here you have the glands, you know, the foreskin. Well, depending. I mean, another story for another day. Okay. All right. But I really want you to focus down here on what are known as the testicles. Right.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. All right. Okay. But again, don't think of this. Think of a shipyard, okay? This is a shipyard, and in a shipyard, you have a bunch of people running around.

[C]

Right? Yeah.

[A]

The people that actually, like, build the ship. Okay, all right.

[C]

Shipwrights. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Shipwrights.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Yeah. Shipwrights.

[C]

Very good.

[A]

Very good. Okay. I know stuff. And let's just assume that one day the shipyard got really drunk. Okay. They had a party.

[C]

Whoa.

[A]

Yeah. You know.

[B]

Okay, sure.

[A]

Do you know what that is? You don't know what that. Okay. Anyway, I know what a party is.

[C]

They had a party. That sounds fun.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, they had a party. They had a party at, say, let's say a ski lodge or something like that.

[C]

Okay, There's a ski lodge in the shipyard.

[B]

Got it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then there. Yeah, and then there was a beach where the ocean was there. Okay.

[C]

Ski. Ski beach. Got it.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. Okay. So one of these shipwrights was looking at the ocean, and the ocean was looking at the shipwright, and they locked eyes and they were like, oh, yeah, you know.

[C]

Okay, he likes the ocean.

[A]

Then the shipyard decided. Well, it wasn't really a decision. Okay. Ordinarily, shipyards, they have safety precautions known as osha. But, you know, let's just say that OSHA failed at this moment in time.

[C]

Sure.

[A]

And one of these shipwrights started getting really, really productive. Okay. And built a ship. Okay. More like. Okay, imagine there was a glowing, ethereal orb in the middle of the shipyard that was birthed from the ocean. And then the shipwright was like, this is my hole. It's meant for me. And dove headfirst into that glowing, ethereal, alien orb and merged into being part of the DNA from the shipwright and part of the DNA from this orb, which there was inside of it merged together. And then that started building a boat.

[C]

Okay. Yeah, sure. And then that's like a man boat.

[A]

Yeah, exactly, exactly. Except that the shipwright was, like, melted as he entered into it. So the entire being that was the shipwreck kind of, like, dissolved, and all that was left was the primordial goo within him.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

So then this boat starts growing and growing and growing. And then one day, in a cataclysmic, extremely painful, catastrophic, bloody event was launched. You ever seen a ship launch before?

[C]

Yeah, it kind of slides in and makes a big splash.

[A]

Yeah, big splash. But pretty big because you're pretty small, right?

[C]

I am small. Yeah. Okay.

[A]

I'm Gonna show you this next slide. This is a. In the middle of a childbirth. Okay, now you'll see. Yeah, you'll see. The head is starting to emerge. It's a boat. It's a boat.

[C]

Which part is the boat?

[A]

The head is the boat, the vagina is the ocean, and it's. It's called birthing a boat.

[C]

Uh huh.

[A]

So when that.

[C]

It looks like somebody's dying.

[A]

No, sometimes. Sometimes.

[C]

If.

[A]

If, let's say, like the boat gets stuck and doesn't get enough water.

[B]

I'll be right back. I need alcohol for the rest of this.

[A]

Normally it's fine. And this boat is you.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

That's where babies come from.

[C]

Okay. Okay.

[B]

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[A]

Yeah.

[B]

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[A]

I think that might be them knocking on the door. And because they're, you know, Uber's really good about getting them right to where you are. It's either them or the FBI. I'm not 100% sure.

[C]

Yep.

[B]

When it really matters, whatever it is, you show up where there's a will. We're on our way, Uber. On our way. Download the app today.

[C]

All right, Mark, the first sentence is, I heard the doorbell ring, but I wasn't expecting anyone.

[A]

And so I come up with the second half.

[C]

Yeah, you give me the second sentence. And it's a horror story, so make it.

[A]

Make it scary. Okay, so say it again.

[C]

I heard the doorbell ring, but I wasn't expecting anyone.

[A]

Well.

[C]

I told you I Real hard, but I have no idea if these are good prompts, so good luck.

[A]

Especially since I was in a tent.

[C]

Oh, man, that just raises so many scary questions.

[B]

And then I remembered I don't have a door.

[A]

I know, right? Yeah, it's terrifying. You're camping out in the woods. You hear ding dong, fuck you. Done.

[C]

That's. Yeah, that's not good. Everybody knows that's problem, Mark. I think you can beat that. I believe in you. I heard the doorbell ring, but I wasn't expecting anyone.

[A]

Oh, God. I've almost got something. I've almost got something. Oh, it's gonna. You're gonna shit.

[B]

You're gonna shit.

[A]

Go run to the bathroom. Everybody listen to this. You're about to poop your pants. Um, especially since I was on.

[B]

Hope.

[A]

Everyone made it to the bathroom in time.

[C]

Ah.

[B]

I'm not gonna ask if you're ready. We're just jumping in.

[A]

All right.

[B]

You're an orgasming pig and a farmer is coming to slaughter you.

[A]

Oh, God.

[C]

What? Male or female pig?

[B]

Mark is the author of this story.

[A]

Oh, okay, good.

[B]

You have at least 30 minutes.

[A]

Of what?

[C]

Orgasm power. What do you mean at least 30 minutes?

[B]

Yeah. The farmer's not gonna kill you during. He's respectful.

[A]

So what, do I gotta make it last long?

[B]

No, not necessarily. You just have to survive.

[C]

But you could not the orgasm.

[B]

You have to survive the farmer. The farmer is the threat. The orgasm is just happening. That's the matter. But I thought you were ready.

[C]

Come on, man, let's. What? What do you even have to think about? The first move's obvious. Okay.

[A]

All right, all right.

[B]

Here we go.

[A]

Dear Penthouse Forum, I never thought it would happen to me. There I was Betsy. Oh, man. You've seen a pig before, right? Anyway, finish the deed. Barely three minutes into mid finish and here I hear Farmer John's boots thundering down the roadway. I know what's up. He fed me oats that morning. I know a trap when I see it. Look down, it's not Betsy. It's a pile of straw wrapped in a blanket. Fool on me, right? Anyway, I know he's very polite. He'll make sure that I get to enjoy myself before my bitter, bitter end. Well, two can play it that game. I see a pail of milk that he left out. Fool he is. I've got a bucket full of fraud that's gonna keep this going all night long. So long as he sees some white fluid occurring. He's not gonna kill me because he thinks I'm not done yet. Take that bucket, stealthily slide it under me, and I just take a hoof and I go for hours.

[B]

I don't know if I've ever hoped for a 20 more in my life.

[A]

But I'm hoping for it right now. Damn it, Mark.

[C]

I'll give you this hint. I'll give you this hint. Mark.

[B]

What?

[C]

It's an audio clue.

[A]

Doesn't make a sound. Make a sound. It doesn't make a sound. No, it can't be an audio clue. I'm ignoring that. I'm ignoring that.

[C]

That's a real clue and honestly should get you the answer right now.

[A]

I'm ignoring that entirely. I'm ignoring it because it just. It.

[B]

Mark, it's obviously a tooth rack.

[A]

Is it a spork?

[C]

He jumped right past. A couple other guesses for that one. But no, it's not specifically a spork. No.

[A]

Spoon. Plastic spoon. No. Plastic fork.

[C]

It's a plastic fork.

[A]

I hate you.

[C]

It's.

[A]

I hate you. Because why. Why would I think specifically a plastic fork? When you said it was not metal? All cutlery went out the window.

[C]

Because cutlery is just made of plastic.

[A]

Is made of metal.

[B]

Hey, dude, I had to rule out wood. Basketball.

[A]

What do you mean, Bob? What do you mean? Why would the thing be a plastic fork? Why would that be the thing you made the hardest possible thing to narrow down? Because you put it in a category that it's not typically in.

[C]

What? You never guessed fork.

[A]

Because you said it wasn't metal.

[B]

My 12th guess was cutlery for myself. Mark never went there. That's crazy. He stole everything else I said. But not that again.

[C]

Again.

[B]

That's the next one.

[A]

Why would you do that to me? You know, I thought. I thought Spork. A long time ago. A long time ago. I was like, okay, there's a possibility that it's, like, plastic. Something like spork went up in my mind when he was like, plate was associated with. But I was like, there's no way it'd be that man. Plastic fork. A plastic fork.

[C]

Y.

[A]

Why have you done this to me? Why have you done this to me?

[C]

Are you appealing to, like, the subreddit or something? Do you think this is unfair, Mark?

[A]

I am appealing to the subreddit.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

I'm throwing my only flag I have left because, holy crap, I want to take a nap, and I will.

[C]

In your tub with your pillow blanket. I see how it is.

[A]

Plastic fork. Plastic fork.

[B]

This is gonna haunt him for days to come.

[A]

Doesn't something smell a little. Hey, do you smell something? Well, that's a weird smell. I don't know what it is. Have you ever felt a chill run up your spine? It was like something tapped me on the shoulder. But when I turned around. Get ready to forget everything you know about everything. Guys, I. I'm still smelling something. Weird city of people just turning round and round endlessly. All right, if someone doesn't say they're smelling what I'm smelling, I swear I'm. Oh, my God. What happened to the moon? You expect me to believe we're surrounded by gases that we cannot see? I know what clouds look like. Those aren't clouds. Welcome to the show that was formerly known as don't look up. But we were sued by some dumbass in a movie studio. This is. It's in the air. Viewer discretion is advised. Dear Pan Owls forum, I never thought it would happen to Me, there I was with Betsy, you know, a pig, right? I'm not three minutes in finishing. I hear Farmer what's his name's Boot come thundering out the way. I. And I know that I know what's up. He fed me oats this morning. So I know what the game is. And I look down. It's not even Betsy. It's a fucking bale of hay wrapped in a blanket. But I know he's polite, right? I know he's polite. I feel bad, ashamed, tricked. He's very polite.

[C]

He'll.

[A]

He won't finish me before I'm finished finishing. So I look around with as stealthily I can see a bucket milk. Drag it under me. I go like, ah. One white substance as good as another. Dip my who Fango. And then while he's standing there watching, kind of weird, but, you know, we're in this. I was thinking with my little pig brain, and I'm like, ah, I have the ultimate plan. It took me half that bucket to. To. To think of this plan. I feign a heart attack. I know he's a sympathetic sort. He fed me oats. He made Betsy, I guess. And he would. He would not dare kill me if I'm already dying. Shake the milk off my hoof. I lay down and go like. I got a heart attack, right? Surprise poop attack. I jump on him when he gets close. Diarrhea all over. See? Only tool I got left. I have very few fluids left in my body, but I decide to shit all over him. That'll teach him a lesson he'll never forget. And while he is flailing from all the poop, I grab Betsy for later and grab his shovel that he dropped. And then in my I. I do.

[B]

One of these swing with both.

[A]

It's not really like a swing. It's more like a. I tried to decapitate him. Okay, Wade, you can end this. Let's see.

[B]

That was the third one.

[A]

I need an 18 or higher.

[C]

Oh, that's definitely gonna happen. We haven't wasted a bunch of twenties on goofing around. Eight. Hey, teen.

[B]

No.

[A]

If I swallow this right now and die, will you give me the point.

[C]

That'S worth at least two points, I guess. Yeah.

[A]

Everyone pull over to the side of the road. You gotta watch this one. Oh, nope. I'm dead.

[C]

That's two points to Mark, I guess.

[B]

Jesus, I'm getting railroaded here, man. Well, thankfully, he can't compete for any more points now, right?

[C]

If he comes back to life, he loses the two points.

[B]

Just to be clear. Okay.

[C]

Anyway, interesting discussion, I think.

[A]

Hey, what's up, guys? Back from the afterlife here? Want to finish this episode out strong?

[C]

I'm gonna cross out dead and take those two points away real quick.

[A]

Can I get one point? I'm. I'm a ghost, man.

[C]

All right, I'll give you one ghost point.

[A]

Okay, cool. You hear my echoey voice and everything?

[C]

Editors, don't do any of this. Just make him live what he's done.

[A]

No, please. I sign your checks.

[C]

That's not even true. None of us sign.

[A]

You're right. But I could call the person who does.

[C]

I. I know them too. I have their number too. I'll call them and tell them not to listen to Mark. You don't even worry about it.

[A]

All right, fine. Too many requests in one hour. My fate is pretty sour. Oh.

[B]

I think this is worth it. To hear Mark talk like this for.

[A]

An hour.

[C]

Just to translate it into something that's comprehensible. I think Mark just let us know that Chatgpt just told him he can't do any more queries for a while.

[A]

So you don't have your little AI.

[C]

Buddy to help you rhyme anymore?

[A]

My friend is gone. My friend is done. I'm going to make a hot crossed bun. You get one point minus three. It's only fair. It can not be minus three. Three bad tries. No, no, no. You didn't think you were too slow?

[C]

I was okay. But I had two bad tries and then I got it right.

[A]

No, you are correct. That is so true. Two minus one. But the other way to. To end this game and therefore win in the positives. Your score must win.

[C]

I'm gonna count it. That rhymed. That rhymed. Sounds are allowed. Didn't say that. It has to be words.

[A]

Why did they do this to myself? I could have been Riddle Man. An elf.

[B]

Thanks, man.

[A]

My little problem, I'll tell you, is that this thing only reads in the third person. Boo hoo. I can't seem to get it to ask direct.

[B]

That doesn't make me very erect.

[A]

Let me finish my rhymes, you prick. I think you're a giant dick.

[B]

Well done. That's the best one you've had all day.

[A]

You know what? You know what? I'm going back in time.

[C]

Sorry?

[A]

I'm going back in time. I changed it.

[C]

Your shoulder.

[A]

It's all better now.

[B]

Oh, cool. Well, Bob, you still have more points.

[A]

So what did I change then? Oh, God, what did I change? Oh, no.

[C]

What are we gonna. What are we gonna see in the future?

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

What did I do? Dear Penthouse Forum, you've heard this story before. Me, Betsy, you know pigs. Anyway, three minutes in, Farmer John's coming. I'm not done coming here, but I look down. I did a fucking trick again. Again. It's a pile of hay in a blanket. Anyway, he comes in, he's looking at me. I know he likes to watch. I'm not about that. But he fed me oats this morning, so I know he's playing. He's gonna wait till I finish. I stealthily put the bucket of milk under me, dip my paw and go. I can keep that up for hours. Gives me enough time to think. Ah, heart attack. I've done it before, I'll do it again. Shake my hoof off. Dumb idea. He comes over, poop attack, right in his eyes. Blast him, grab Betsy, grab his shovel. Tornado attack didn't work. I throw the shovel away, grab Betsy again, drag out to the outside where there's a tractor. I've seen the farmer use a tractor before. I throw Betsy up by the gas pedal. I say when, I say floor it. Do it. I push buttons, I pull levers, get that thing rumbling, point it right towards where that farmer's shaking in my shit pile. I say, floor it. And I remember Bestie's a pile of hay. Can't really do that. I scramble. I like shit. I'm on the other side of the tractor. It's already going. She's gonna blow if I don't divert power to the engine or the wheels. So I dive for the gas pedal, push Betsy, unfortunately out of the window. And I see Betsy tumble right under the tractor thresher blades. She was a pile of hay. She actually reformed back into a bale. The blanket perfectly back. All the way on the other side. Actually better than before after what I'd done to that pile of hay was not in the correct shape anymore. Betsy's by me. I hit the gas pedal. Try again. Alright. I rig it to self destruct. And then I dive off with Betsy. If you want something a little different.

[C]

No, I like that. I just don't know if it's gonna work. Please.

[A]

I still, much to my chagrin and I've talked about it endlessly. Drive my Tesla that I've had for eight years, the giant piece of shit. And that's not just me, like hating for hating.

[C]

No, it's been bad. It's been really bad.

[A]

I drove it off the lot as a piece of shit. It's been a Piece of shit. Through every year of its warranty in which it's been in service every single year for many times, same problem. And they've done full replacements on the suspension three times, and now it is officially out of warranty. So if it happens again, I'm screwed anyway. In Tesla, there's a cowbell mode that is activated by pressing the cruise control four times. And the thing is, if I press it twice and it doesn't activate, I'm gonna press it, because to activate it, you press it twice, right? I go to click, click, and it doesn't go. So I go click, click again. And then I activated cowbell mode. So for the rest of the fucking drive to Tyler's house. Wait, so is it this?

[B]

Is it actually the song? Is there something weird about pressing cruise control multiple times and Don't Fear the Reaper coming on?

[A]

It is. Exactly. It was exactly that.

[C]

It was.

[A]

Don't.

[C]

What the fuck?

[A]

It was a whole. I couldn't figure out how to turn off because pressing it four times again only restarts the song. And I'm in the middle of driving on the highway way. So I'm just like. So for 20 minutes.

[C]

It's a long song, but even when the song ends, it just loops.

[A]

It loops after the first few lines. And then Christopher Walken comes out and says, I got to have more cowbells. I got a fever, and the only.

[B]

Prescription is more cow bell.

[A]

And then it goes again.

[C]

The whole fucking drive. What if you spread butter on a piece of bread and dip that in another sauce?

[A]

That's a cannoli.

[C]

That is not a cannoli.

[A]

What's the difference between that and a cannoli? What do you think a cannoli is?

[C]

Oh, my God. Do you think a cannoli is related to bread, Marlon?

[A]

No, because what I'm thinking about it is a cannoli. You put. You have, like, a flat piece of thing. You wrap it in something. So if you were to dip bread in something, you kind of have to put some kind of a fold in. You kind of have to put a fold in it.

[C]

It's got a fold in it rolled. And then they dip it in, like.

[A]

Whipped cream on the inside.

[B]

Here's the definition of cannoli. Italian pastries in the form of hard, tubular shells filled with sweetened ricotta cheese and often containing nuts, citron. I don't know how instant browns or chocolate bit.

[A]

I rest my case.

[C]

You maybe dip the end of the cannoli in some chocolate and pistachios or something.

[A]

You don't dip into shit.

[C]

A cannoli has nothing to do with this.

[A]

Either way, the comparison stands because a cannoli is not bread and therefore you putting something on it.

[C]

But what I said wasn't a cannoli either.

[A]

Spreading butter on a piece of bread.

[C]

And then dipping that in a sauce does not make it a cannoli.

[A]

I dare you to do it without rolling it and view you.

[B]

I think he's imagining you're rolling it up for some reason.

[A]

Yeah. You look at it after you're done dipping, and you're like, oh, my God, I made a cannoli.

[C]

You don't need to spread butter on a flat piece of bread. You take a hunk of bread, you spread butter around it, you dip. It's still the same hunk of bread you were dipping earlier. Your argument loses weight.

[A]

You don't take a piece of bread, you hollow it out and shove bread inside so the warmth, that melts it from outside in.

[C]

I mean, I do do that, but that's not what I was supposing. That's just for fun.

[A]

I don't think there's. There's any difference between a cannoli and a hot dog. Or like cannoli and bread and butter and anything like that. It's a rolled piece of bread. They all fall within. A taco is a cannoli. That's swee.

[B]

Bold claim.

[C]

I fucking love. No, wait, I love that. Actually, the debate is always, wait, is a hot dog a sandwich? Blah. You know what a hot dog is, idiots? A hot dog is a cannoli.

[A]

It's a cannoli.

[C]

You're all stupid. All right, Mark, here, I'll give. I'll go in a different direction.

[B]

I'll.

[C]

I'll skip. How about this one? I found a beautiful antique mirror at a garage sale.

[A]

Hit me again.

[C]

I found a beautiful antique mirror at a garage sale.

[A]

And then what?

[C]

Wouldn't I like to know?

[A]

Oh, God.

[C]

Don't you guys, like, play a lot of scary games and.

[A]

Oh, yeah. You know, our instinct is not to perpetuate the scary. It's kind of to make fun of it.

[B]

I'm sorry, I had. I wasn't ready for that question Mark.

[C]

I found a beautiful antique mirror at a garage sale.

[B]

Yeah, right.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

And. And action.

[A]

Well, you know, the thing about mirrors is they're. There's. Sometimes you get a. When you have. You know, there's two. There were two. There were two of me in there. There's two. There's two of them.

[B]

There's always Two with mirrors.

[C]

Yep. Huh? Yep. Good. Excellent.

[A]

All right. Oh, dear. I don't have a lot of time. I'm 29 minutes into a 30 minute orgasm when I hear his footsteps coming by forever. What's the name? Go kill me. He fed me oats this morning. Real nice guy. But I know what's up. I don't have long left. Dragon bug and milk under me start spewing out milk. He can't tell the difference. He's half blind anyway. I was half blind. Looked down Betsy's pile. Hey, in a blanket. Look. Don't have a lot of time. It was great until it wasn't truffling that out. And then I realized I need to do a heart attack. Shake off my paw at the same time. Fall over, roll down. He's so nice. Comes over real close, right within shitting distance. Shit in his eyes. Grab Betsy, grab a shovel, try to swing to captain. Didn't work. Too low to the ground. I go outside where his tractor is and I know that I've seen him use it before. Throw Betsy up by the gas pedal. I say, like when I tell you to floor, you floor. I start pushing buttons, pulling levers. And I get it lined up. Engine rumbling. I go Betsy flooring the pile of hay. Start out the window. She goes in and thresher blades. No. And then she reforms into a pile of hay pre with the blanket still on it. It's great. Save that for later. I aim the the tractor right at farmer drone where he's twitching my pile. I hit buttons. I gun it. No. Bounces off doing right on the barn. Then I look back that Doinks threw a shotgun down off the wall. Oh, that's great. Grab a shotgun. I think I can get this. Get in my mouth, go over, try to shoot him in stupid face. Boink. Blank. Fuck. He's so nice. He just had blanks in his shotgun. He wasn't gonna kill me at all. Maybe he wasn't gonna kill me. I apologize. I say, hey, bro, maybe I misread the whole situation. Can you please forgive me? You did right by me by that hay bale. I'm not gonna lie. Couldn't tell the difference. Why don't we just put all this behind us, pal, Pal. I sh. I put my jizz covered out there for him to shake. Pal, Buddy, you need a 14.

[C]

Oh, no.

[A]

Why?

[B]

On the bright side, though, you get to play devil's advocate while determining what's true or false while singing your winner speech.

[C]

Yeah, Mark, winner speech.

[A]

I'm the best I'm the best.

[B]

He's the best.

[A]

I'm the better than all of the rest. They can't do anything. They just are the worst.

[C]

They just are the worst.

[A]

I don't believe in anyone but myself, and I won't give them another host. I'm the one who wins forever and ever. Kudos to Pluto's.

[C]

Please. Only ever laugh like that for the rest of our lives. Three points to Mark for that laugh.

[B]

That was the worst laugh I've ever heard him have. That's awesome.

[C]

What worst? That was the graph. You just have to force it out. You can't let it slow down. It has to have momentum. It has to have force and volume with it.

[B]

Somebody please take that laugh and make it your ringtone.

[A]

I don't know if I could do that again.

[B]

I don't know if you can either.

[C]

No, you know what makes it happen, Mark? You have to say the sentence. The whole sentence. You have to say kudos to Pluto's. That's. That's how you get that to come out of you. If you could recreate that sentence, I will give you four points, Mark.

[A]

Oh, God. Okay.

[C]

If you could give me a full on kudos to Pluto's, you will steal this victory. And I feel like it would be well deserved and way to agree with that. All right.

[A]

Kudos to Pluto's. That was so bad. It got caught in my throat. I don't know how I did that. When you get in the. I can't. How did I do that?

[B]

I'm Woody the Woodpecker now.

[A]

What happened? How the fuck did I do it? I don't. I can't. I literally can't make my epiglottis move that fast, which is how I made that laugh happen. Oh, my God.

[B]

All you had to do was recreate it, man.

[A]

Dude, can you even create it? How did I. In a bit. When I go over here.

[B]

That's your recreation. That hurts. Something down here.

[A]

See, it's weird, right? Your penis form. I never imagine what happened to me. You know Betsy, right? Well, anyway, three minutes into IU 30 minute orgasm, I hear Farmer John, he's coming my way. Oh, oats this morning. I shouldn't have known. You're gonna kill me. Look down. It's not even. Betsy's a hay bale in a blanket. I say, grab a bucket of milk that he forgot, pull it under me, start slinging around. He walks in, loves to watch. He sees me slinging around. He's like, oh, I better wait till he finishes. He's so nice. He's so goddamn polite. Anyway, I get a lot of thinking time in as I'm fling going. And then I realize, ah, if I fake a heart attack, he's so nice. He's not gonna kill me if I'm already dying. He might think something wrong with me. Go over, shake my hoof off with milk. He comes over real close, shit in his eyes. He flows down, grab Betsy, grab the shovel. Tried to tornado attack him. Doesn't work. Go out to the tractor, throw him up by the pedals. I start pulling off punch levers. It fires life. I go for it. She's bail head. I throw her out the window. She goes into thresher blades. I go, oh. And then she's even hotter than before when she comes out the other side with the blanket still on it. Man, that was a good blanket. I hit the gas pedal, bounce off the wall, boink. Oh. Shotgun falls down. I grab it in my mouth.

[C]

I go over there.

[A]

I'm like, I'm gonna blow you away. You some big clickbank. It's a blank. This guy was so goddamn nice. I stick out my milk covered, jizz covered, shit covered pa and I go like, pal. He says, no. I like, well, fuck you then. Anyway, he was gonna eat me himself. He says, I grabbed the lantern from up on high ice, dive bomb into it. I dive up, bomb into. I headbutt. It blasts into a fireball conflagration. It takes the whole barn covered in hay, everywhere, wood beams. I say like, baby, I can't kill you, but I'm gonna take you with me or something. I said something cooler than that. It was in the moment. I can't remember right now. And then as we're all burning and we're in there, he rises from the embers. He's half, you know, V from vendetta. When he stood out of the ashes, everything went, oh, that's what he did right then and there. He's naked too. Well, I mean, I'm naked too, but I'm a pig, but that's okay. And then I see behind him, Betsy, Betsy there. She's walking into the flames right behind him. He doesn't see. He's. He's too busy screaming about to kill me. Removes the blanket off of herself, wraps him and her in the blanket. I'm like, oh, my bacon sizzling. But she's sacrificing herself to take this guy down once and for all. Because a blanket's gonna seal them both up. They will both burn. And I might live, but he will die. And I might die. You need an 11. Please, please, please, please. You did it. It's a 15.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

The curse has been broken.

[C]

Welcome to my side of the dice. Roll mark where you never win. And it only gets worse.

[A]

That's. That was quite. That was quite a battle. Many phases. Just because you can eat something does not make it bread. Just because you can roll something does not make it a cannoli. Just because you can breed something does not make it bread. And just because you have a baby does not mean that it is tapping into your blood supply directly. Because there is a blood barrier between the placenta and the mother's uterus that provides, through diffusion, the nutrients necessary to sustain the baby.

[B]

The babies have to have oxygenated blood when they're still in the womb. Yes.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

So is that air? Was oxygenated blood still, technically, is oxygen still, technically, air at that point?

[C]

Babies actually breathe liquid in their lungs when they're in the womb.

[B]

But is there any source of air in them?

[C]

I mean, on a very small scale, then, yeah. Oxygen would be dissolved in blood, so.

[B]

They could be bred.

[A]

There's a gaseous solution dissolved in the blood that they're being oxidated. That does not necessarily mean because it's turning into a soup, they of oxygen.

[B]

Soup.

[A]

That is not air, because soup is bread.

[B]

Soup.

[A]

Babies are mostly soup. It's a bread bowl. Oh, no.

[B]

It's a bread bowl.

[A]

A canola. Oh, no. Oh, no.

[C]

Oh, God.

[A]

Oh, no. Oh.

[B]

Everyone listening to this point has lost all of their hair, all of their patience and their sit. Their mouth agape, drooling, wondering, why did I tune in to this? Our ultimate conclusion here is. Babies are a bread bowl.

[C]

Babies are soup in a bread bowl. But they're mostly soup.

[A]

Watch new episodes on Spotify. And now a scary story brought to you by Instacart. Saturday was busy, but now it's Sunday. So you're rotting in bed, and that's when you start to smell something rotten. And it's not you. You follow the smell to the laundry room, where you find a full pile of laundry and an empty container of detergent. Panic sets in. But then you open Instacart and order everything you need to get your life back together delivered in as fast as 30 minutes for one less Sunday. Scary. We're here.