Best of P*ssed Off: Part 1 (Compilation)

Summary

Distractible – Best of P*ssed Off: Part 1 (Compilation)

Podcast Date: January 16, 2026
Hosts: Mark Fischbach, Wade Barnes, Bob Muyskens
Theme: A fast-paced, laugh-heavy compilation of the hosts’ best rants, indignations, and peeves, with extra spotlight on misunderstandings, daily annoyances, and the unique flair the Distractible trio bring to the art of “getting pissed off.”

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Episode Overview

This "Best Of" compilation stitches together classic moments of exasperation, hot takes, and hilarious rants about everyday annoyances. The hosts riff on everything from the technicalities of Chapstick to existential rage at plastic forks and funerals, all while playfully blaming one another for convoluted guesses, confusing answers, and the generally infuriating nature of modern life. As always, the chemistry among Mark, Wade, and Bob means relentless teasing, absurd hypothetical questions, and the occasional philosophical aside—all served up with heavy sarcasm and endearing self-mockery.

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

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1. The Chapstick Debate

[02:09 - 04:52]

• The Set-Up: The hosts play a game involving clues and guesses about an object related to "sunscreen, lotion, and tissues."
  • Bob tries to nudge Wade toward Chapstick by giving “seasonal” as a clue.
  • Wade is thrown off by earlier answers about containers and is frustrated when Chapstick is revealed.
  • Quote – Wade:

    “How the actual fuck is Chapstick related to lotion or sunscreen? Those are liquids.” (02:33)

• Container Controversy: A running gag develops as Wade argues that Chapstick is very much a container, and Bob protests its “primary part” is the balm itself.
  • Multiple voices chime in about where they store Chapstick and whether Wade was led astray by bad answers.
  • Quote – Bob:

    “The primary part of chapstick is the chapstick.” (03:03)

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2. Bob’s Pet Peeve – Pets

[04:52 - 06:39]

• Vet Bills and Anal Glands: Bob goes on an unfiltered rant about the realities of pet ownership—medical costs, aging, and the many bodily functions pets subject owners to.
  • Quote – Bob:

    “You gotta take them to the vet once every month or two and have someone stick their fingers up their ass to release their anal glands.” (05:08)

• Unpredictable Animal Behavior: The group humorously personifies their own pets’ picky eating, litter box failures, and general chaos.
• Dark Humor: Joking advice on playing the podcast loudly for pets while "putting them in their cage."

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3. Mark’s Aversion to the Number Nine (Gas Prices)

[06:53 - 09:19]

• Psychological Trickery in Pricing: Mark launches into an epic rant on the use of nines, especially “.9” in gas prices.
  • Quote – Mark:

    “It infuriates me that that exists.” (07:46)
    "It's not even like a good psychological trick. It's like one fraction of a penny. It's nine tenths of a penny." (09:05)

• Rallying Cry: They propose opening a gas station with no fractions or nines, just to be different.

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4. Bob’s Fridge Story: No Verbs Allowed

[09:33 - 11:18]

• Improvised Skit: The group attempts to retell a notorious “fridge incident” story using only nouns.
  • Rapid-fire delivery, lots of laughter, and playful confusions follow.
  • Memorable Moment: The relentless "fridge, bush, water shut off" refrain as each tries to out-absurd the other.
  • Quote – Wade:

    “O, fridge. Two guys, front door. Me, the one guy. Oh, no.” (09:57)

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5. The "Revere, Hua" Linguistic Spiral

[11:54 - 14:15]

• Accent Chaos: The group attempts to pronounce and reverse random syllables (“Revere, hua”), devolving into chaotic parodies of dialects, ghost noises, and palindromes.
  • Quote – Mark:

    “It’s two palindromes inside the same word. It’s river, Revere. River.” (13:31)

  • No one is sure what word they're even aiming for—much confusion, much delight.

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6. Counting Celebrities and Silly Spellings

[15:32 - 16:41]

• Celebrity Mishmash: The team tries to keep track of celebrities named throughout the show, with joke spellings and mistaken identities (e.g., "Megan the Stanleyan," "Michael Obama").
  • Quote – Mark:

    “Did I spell Share right? I know it’s a C... The C’s at the end. It’s a silent C.” (16:08)

• Endless Bickering: Mock-seriousness about proper tallying and pronunciation, much to everyone’s amusement.

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7. Funerals Are the Ultimate Inconvenience

[16:44 - 18:27]

• Wade’s Funeral Rant: A high point of dark, irreverent humor as Wade rails against funerals as narcissistic rituals for the dead.
  • Quote – Wade:

    “Did I not give you enough while you were alive? … Did you not take enough of my precious time while you could reciprocate anything?” (16:52) “Only the most narcissistic, selfish, unbelievably self-centered people would possibly think that what they need after they have left their family mourning and just torn apart is a party for them.” (17:30)

• Open Casket Critique: Lampooning afterlife anxieties and typical rituals in a mock-serious tone.

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8. The Plastic Fork Debacle

[18:30 - 21:30]

• Guessing Game Goes Awry: Kim, Mark, and Bob are exasperated for being made to guess “plastic fork,” which to them seemed nearly impossible based on clues.
  • Quote – Mark:

    “When you said it was not metal, all cutlery went out the window…” (18:59)

  • Quote – Kim:

    “A plastic fork isn’t even rigid.” (21:07)

  • Wade gamely defends his choice as everyone else feels aggrieved by “category error.”
• Running Joke: Mark appeals to the subreddit, jokingly demanding justice for the unfairness.

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9. Cereal: Milk First or Cereal First?

[21:47 - 24:47]

• All-Time Classic Debate: The trio debate whether milk should be poured before or after cereal.
  • Quote – Mark (Milk First Defender):

    “You pour your milk first so you have a fixed quantity of milk. The elements that you’re fighting is time till sogginess.” (22:06)

  • Quote – Bob (Pro Cereal First):

    “I don’t have time to pour cereal 30 times for one meal. I fill that bowl like three quarters with cereal.” (23:50)

• Passionate Arguments: Strategies about sogginess, milk-to-cereal ratios, and existential despair when there’s “not enough milk” or “not enough cereal.”
• Skill Issue: Jokes about not being able to properly estimate cereal or milk left.

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10. Bear Attacks in Japan

[25:01 - 25:34]

• Quick-Fire Trivia: Bob asks about the "most common animal to fear" in Japan, answers are "bears," then spins off into bear-attack anecdotes and statistics.

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11. Kids With Cell Phones: End of Civilization

[25:34 - 27:13]

• Escalating Rant: Bob delivers a high-speed tirade about the ills of children having cell phones—poor focus, instant gratification, education woes, and general societal decline.
  • Quote – Bob:

    “They’re sitting there googling dumb, responding to their friends, texting their friends, looking at porn, making bombs. Whatever teenagers do these days, that’s not sitting there and learning.” (25:54)

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12. The Legendary Coin Flip Losing Streak

[27:21 - 28:52]

• Wade’s Misfortune: Recurring gag—Wade cannot win a coin flip, loses 8 times in a row, accuses the coin of being cursed or weighted.
• Comedy Peaks: Bob jokes about mailing the "lucky coin," further fueling the playful outrage.
  • Quote – Bob:

    "I'm 9 and O with this coin. Oh, it's getting light." (28:18)

• Resignation: Wade tries to calm himself, vowing to remain composed for the end of the episode.

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Notable Quotes

• “How the actual fuck is Chapstick related to lotion or sunscreen?” – Wade (02:33)
• “You gotta take them to the vet once every month or two and have someone stick their fingers up their ass.” – Bob (05:08)
• “It infuriates me that that exists.” – Mark, on the ‘nine’ in gas prices (07:46)
• “O, fridge. Two guys, front door. Me, the one guy. Oh, no.” – Wade (09:57)
• “Did I spell Share right?... The C’s at the end. It’s a silent C.” – Mark (16:08)
• “Only the most narcissistic, selfish, unbelievably self-centered people would possibly think that what they need after they have left their family mourning... is a party for them.” – Wade, on funerals (17:30)
• “A plastic fork isn’t even rigid.” – Kim (21:07)
• “You pour your milk first so you have a fixed quantity of milk.” – Mark (22:06)
• “They’re sitting there googling dumb... looking at porn, making bombs. Whatever teenagers do these days...” – Bob (25:54)

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Top Timestamps for Segment Breaks

• [02:09] – The Chapstick guessing debacle
• [04:52] – Pets: The unvarnished truth
• [06:53] – Gas stations & the tyranny of “.9”
• [09:33] – Bob’s fridge, no verbs
• [11:54] – "Revere, hua" pronunciation spiral
• [15:32] – Celebrity tally chaos
• [16:44] – Rant on funerals
• [18:30] – Plastic fork outrage
• [21:47] – The cereal-milk standoff
• [25:01] – Japanese bear attacks (trivia round)
• [25:34] – Kids with cell phones rant
• [27:21] – Coin flip losing streak resolved

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Final Impressions

"Best of P*ssed Off: Part 1" delivers the Distractible signature blend of rage-fueled comedy and affectionate ribbing, with everyday frustration turned into group therapy—and relentless amusement. The special’s structure lets each host’s strengths shine, whether it’s Mark’s pseudo-philosophical rants, Wade’s world-class indignation, or Bob’s gift for spinning mundane details into epic dramas.

For listeners: Whether you’re in it for relatable outrage or absurdist humor, this episode compiles the purest doses of Distractible’s cathartic style, making this a perfect jumping-in point or nostalgia trip.

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New episodes of Distractible are available only on Spotify.

Transcript

[Host]

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[Mark]

From being peeved to incandescent, yes.

[Bob]

It'S.

[Kim]

Time for Best of Pissed Off Part one.

[Wade]

I can't think of anything that relates to like sunscreen, lotion and tissues.

[Mark]

No, it's right there. It's right there.

[Bob]

If I had a one word clue, it would probably be seasonal.

[Wade]

I feel like this is a thing I just either have never heard of or don't use is where I'm at right now.

[Bob]

I'd be shocked. Yeah, you've heard of this, You've heard of it. You've probably seen it used more recently than you think. Chapstick it is. And I put some on while you were doing that.

[Wade]

How the actual fuck Is Chapstick related to lotion or sunscreen? Those are liquids.

[Mark]

Well, I could see. I could see it being related to that also.

[Kim]

How is that not a container full of chapstick?

[Wade]

You completely got me off of anything that was like lotion or deodorant or Chapstick. When you said it wasn't a plastic container filled with something, did he ask that question? Yes, I asked if it was a container and his answer was, oh, not really. I don't think of it like that.

[Mark]

No.

[Bob]

The primary part of it is not a container. The primary part of chapstick is the chapstick.

[Wade]

It is a container filled with a material.

[Bob]

We all. I don't know. I went through it. Mark and I went through it. We did the best we could with that, man.

[Mark]

I didn't hear that question. I didn't hear that one.

[Wade]

Also. I get you on the wet one, but I'm going to go ahead and say the bodily ablution one was also a bad answer. You use that at any point in time, primarily in public, because usually it's when you're outside. You don't use that during a bodily ablution?

[Bob]

That depends. I use it when my lips are chapped. I don't use it as a preventative. I use it after my lips are chapped.

[Wade]

You don't keep it also? I'm just gonna say you probably don't keep it in the bathroom. Probably don't even specifically keep it in the kitchen as much as you keep it.

[Mark]

That's why I was saying that one.

[Wade]

Was you keep it wherever you keep your keys, which is, for a lot of people, the entryway or the mudroom.

[Bob]

I keep Chapstick in our medicine cabinets. So, like our medicine cabinet in the bathroom, I've got Chapstick. In the kitchen, we've got chapstick.

[Mark]

Well, that's why I called that one out specifically.

[Wade]

That's why I said I feel like the container one totally shut off the realm of a bottle of lotion.

[Bob]

That's a. It was a tough question. Like, you could see how it's a tough question to answer.

[Wade]

It's not. No, I don't.

[Host]

Actually.

[Wade]

If you asked me if Chapstick is a container, I would say, yes, it's. It has a container because it has a lid.

[Bob]

I think my answer was, it's not primarily a container because the primary part of chapstick is the stuff you use.

[Wade]

No, you said that about something else specifically. I wrote down that you said, I. No, kind of. I don't think of it as a container.

[Bob]

I don't. I mean, it is a.

[Wade]

It is specifically a plastic tube containing the chapstick. Yeah, I get that. I get that. Or a thing of lip balm in a little container, which, by the way, could be made of metal. But that one's not that strong of an argument.

[Bob]

Okay. You know, I wasn't thinking of the little handheld lip balm.

[Wade]

That was a fair item. But I do feel like a couple of those questions really fucked me.

[Bob]

Pets. Honestly, don't get me started. Started on pets. Pets are a bigger responsibility than anyone would have. You know, pets, they're cute, they're cuddly, they're fun. Sure, but nobody wants to talk about what pets actually need money for. Vet bills. Leaky anal glands. You gotta take them to the vet once every month or two and have someone stick their fingers up their ass to release their anal glands. Because apparently that's a thing they don't teach them.

[Kim]

Oh, I want to give you the puppy.

[Bob]

No, you don't. You're gonna gel up your fingers and up Fido's ass. Well, someone has to, because anal glands get clogged. It's disgusting. Oh, and then they get older. We outlive our pets. That's really sad. It sucks losing pets. Been there, done that. They don't train you for that shit either. But when they get old, it's not all cute, cuddly fun games. No. I'm learning that cats stop using the litter box and they shit on the floor and they drag their ass. They go outside, they eat grass. They come inside, and guess what?

[Wade]

Oh, grass.

[Bob]

That doesn't feel so good.

[Kim]

Oh, I vomited.

[Bob]

That makes me need to shit too, for some reason.

[Kim]

Let me just leave all of that.

[Bob]

Right by the couch where you sit.

[Kim]

So your feet can either be in.

[Bob]

The nice, nasty icky or on the lovely cleaning solution you put down. Just got a new rug.

[Kim]

Oh, boy. Not Mark yet. I better go mark that hike. Piss. Bleh.

[Bob]

All over the goddamn place. Oh, I don't want to eat the food you got today, father.

[Kim]

Oh, this canned food, it isn't what I happen to want.

[Bob]

I don't want those treats today. I want what you want. All that steak that you've been cooking looks great. You had to look away to crack open a drink.

[Kim]

Fucking mind. Get your own food now, dad.

[Bob]

Oh, okay. Guess I'll just fucking starve.

[Kim]

What good do you Give me some.

[Bob]

Cuddles, some cute moments. But all of the shit, don't get me started.

[Mark]

God, you really went There, man.

[Wade]

I hope your pets don't listen to this podcast.

[Bob]

Yeah, man, I'm going to make them.

[Wade]

This is. This is what you play for them when you leave the house. Put them in their cage and play this episode on full volume.

[Mark]

Oh, yeah.

[Bob]

Take out the blankets. Just cold, hard crate with a TV monitor. And this.

[Mark]

I hate the number nine because seven.

[Wade]

Ate it because he's a bitch and he let himself get eaten.

[Bob]

Yeah, he lost about.

[Mark]

I put a lot of money on that fight. He got eaten right in front of me, man. Anyway, no, I hate nine specifically. And it's. It has to do with a lot of shopping. And this is another psychology thing, but it's. This isn't even about, like, you. You price something 399, and it's like, it's technically 400, but people go, oh, 399. You know, psychologically, I get the. I get that that works. No, this is about stations, because gas stations do it worse than anybody ever has. And if we all stop to actually think about it for a second to realize how dumb it is, because not only they'll do the trick where it's like, oh, it's. It's 3. 49 a gallon, you know, and it's.

[Bob]

Like, oh, it's 350.

[Mark]

But no, there's more numbers onto the right of that number, and there's either a nine or there's a nine over ten.

[Kim]

And it's just.

[Mark]

It infuriates me. It infuriates me that that exists.

[Wade]

And it's.

[Mark]

If you Google gas station signs, at least in Americ, they're on every single fucking sign. It's. Every single fucking sign is like, da, da da da and 9 over 10, or da da da da 9 in superscript.

[Kim]

It's like, ba, ba, ba ba 9.

[Mark]

Because they. It's just because some marketing or finance guy or someone in some marketing department, however many years ago, was like, oh, if we add this nine at the end, we'll make this much more money over the course of forever and no.

[Bob]

One will know the difference.

[Mark]

And I don't even care about that because at the end of the day, I know people are stupid about gas. And they'll go to the gas station across the street that's 5 cents cheaper to save a whopping, you know, dollar on their entire purchase and wait in line for 10 minutes, then go to the one across the street that's 5 cent more expensive or whatever, or they'll drive across town and waste the gas that they would have saved, whatever that's not what I'm talking about.

[Wade]

It's the fact that we let them.

[Mark]

Get away with this stupid nine, this dumbass nine at the end of these numbers that I. That just. It's just so I want to just punch every single one of those stupid 9 out of 10 signs because it doesn't make a difference in the grand scheme of things.

[Kim]

And it just looks stupid.

[Mark]

It's aesthetically unpleasing. It just is infuriating in every capacity because it's.

[Wade]

It's not even a.

[Mark]

At this point, it's not even like a good psychological trick. It's like one fraction of a penny. It's nine tenths of a penny. I don't care about that. I round up anyway. Like if it's 249 and 9, I go, oh, it's 250.

[Kim]

It's the fact that it's there.

[Bob]

Nine out of 10 people agree. It's dumb.

[Wade]

We. We should start a gas station ch. Premise that there will be no fractions. And in fact that there will be no nines in the. In the. The one cent place ever.

[Bob]

So I need you to do a super fast retelling of Bob's fridge, but without using any verbs.

[Wade]

Oh, hey, we're here to. Oh, hang on. Huh? Right now? Oh, never mind. I gotta. Yeah. Oh.

[Kim]

O, fridge.

[Wade]

Two guys, front door. Me, the one guy. Oh, no.

[Kim]

Oh, thank you.

[Wade]

Side yard, you guys. Fridge. Yeah.

[Host]

Perfect.

[Wade]

And in the bush. Three. Three inside.

[Mark]

The bush.

[Wade]

The bush.

[Kim]

The fridge.

[Wade]

The bush. Oh, what's that?

[Kim]

Oh, no. Water shut off.

[Wade]

It's a noun.

[Bob]

You're right, you're right, you're right.

[Mark]

Okay, I got it.

[Guest]

Okay, you're good.

[Kim]

New house. I don't know.

[Wade]

It should be water shut off. Make this here. Sorry.

[Mark]

Bush.

[Wade]

Anyway. Did I that part?

[Host]

Yeah.

[Wade]

Anyway, I don't think that's how you. Fridge. House. Right.

[Mark]

Thinks of herb, isn't it?

[Wade]

I think not when I do it.

[Guest]

Good answer.

[Wade]

Anger.

[Kim]

One. Acceptable.

[Wade]

Two guys, Fridge.

[Mark]

That was beautiful.

[Guest]

Oh, man.

[Wade]

I don't remember what. Not that much actually happened. I was just so mad. I kept talking about it.

[Mark]

Revere who?

[Wade]

It doesn't have to be fast, man.

[Guest]

You can.

[Mark]

Famous historian.

[Wade]

Hoo hoo.

[Mark]

Revere. All right, one more time. Hit me.

[Bob]

Revere who?

[Mark]

It changes every time. That doesn't help me, man.

[Bob]

Revere.

[Guest]

Revere. Ahuh.

[Mark]

You can change it, Revere.

[Bob]

It's Easter. He changed it.

[Kim]

He changed it.

[Wade]

Of course he did.

[Bob]

It depends which. Which accent you prefer.

[Kim]

What do you mean it depends? That was completely different. Pronunciations.

[Mark]

All right, pick one.

[Guest]

Revere.

[Bob]

Hua.

[Guest]

Revere, hua. Not hua.

[Bob]

Hua.

[Mark]

Okay, one more time.

[Guest]

Revere, hua or hua.

[Bob]

Hua.

[Kim]

That was two different things.

[Mark]

He just said two different things right there.

[Bob]

Revere, hua.

[Guest]

Revere, hua. Huh? Huaw.

[Host]

Okay.

[Guest]

Revere. Hua. O. Revere. That wasn't a fucking word.

[Wade]

What are you talking about? You didn't say it like a ghost.

[Kim]

When you're the one in the chair.

[Bob]

It does not sound like it.

[Guest]

Revere awa.

[Host]

Rev.

[Guest]

What the fuck is that?

[Bob]

Okay, I'm saying hwa.

[Guest]

Huah.

[Bob]

Yes, that's what I'm saying.

[Mark]

Hoa.

[Guest]

Ohah.

[Bob]

So you should say the opposite of hoa.

[Guest]

Hoah. Ohah.

[Host]

I am. Okay.

[Kim]

What do you mean? That is you go hoah and hwah.

[Bob]

You're doing great. You're doing great.

[Wade]

Oh my God.

[Mark]

Revere.

[Guest]

Hua.

[Wade]

Hoah.

[Mark]

Oh, that's, that's, that's. Play it in reverse editors. I'm saying the same thing. It's the same word.

[Guest]

Revere, Revere, Revere.

[Mark]

It's, it's two palindromes inside the same word. It's river, Revere. River.

[Guest]

River. River. Oh, river. Oh, river. Owa River.

[Wade]

That's not a word.

[Mark]

I know many words.

[Wade]

This is not a word.

[Guest]

Owa River.

[Bob]

He's still like Johnny Prophets.

[Guest]

Owa river. O A river.

[Wade]

Say the first part faster.

[Guest]

Oh boy.

[Wade]

But all in one. All in one go. Just say the first part faster.

[Guest]

Oh, a river. A river. Oh, a river.

[Bob]

O.

[Guest]

A river. Oh, a river. O. A river. Oh, a river. Oh, a river.

[Bob]

Lose the first.

[Kim]

Uh, why?

[Guest]

Wa river. Wa river.

[Wade]

Uh huh.

[Kim]

Wherever it's. Wherever is that it's now. Why didn't you go home?

[Wade]

This episode is brought to you by Shopify. Look, it happens. Set out the new year. You're ready to change your world.

[Host]

You're ready to change yourself. You're to do better.

[Wade]

So you don't just drop back into.

[Host]

Your same old habits and suddenly it's February and you're still doing all the same stuff.

[Wade]

But this year I have a goal.

[Host]

This year I'm going to walk 365 miles in 20, 26 in this year. And the key to accomplishing a New Year's resolution. Keep it simple and manageable.

[Wade]

And that's why Shopify is so successful.

[Host]

And that's why you should be using Shopify for your business. The key to success with Shopify is the same. Keep it simple and manageable. Shopify has everything you need. Templates to help design what you want. Tools to help enhance Refine and market those ideas and a way to sell them anywhere, including across social media. Go to shopify.com distractible and make it happen. Join us and millions of others who have started their own [e-mail] distractible.

[Mark]

So we're gonna go through this list and we're gonna make a counting of everyone. So Wade, you mentioned Shakira.

[Bob]

I did mention Shaq Era.

[Wade]

God, I love Shaq's music.

[Mark]

Bob, you got Scarlet Joe.

[Bob]

I believe he went the one with two T's, but we could be wrong.

[Mark]

Wade, you mentioned Mama Plier. She has a real name, but it's okay. Bob. Dr. Jill Biden. Bob with an Ivanka. Wade with a Melania.

[Bob]

Yeah, can I add Melania too? I want to get the Trump's wife.

[Mark]

Hold on, I have to count. There has to be a winner.

[Wade]

Oh, making Mark cite these was the best part of this whole idea so far.

[Mark]

Did I, did I spell share right? I know it's a C. I know.

[Bob]

There'S a C. I. Oh, okay. Yeah, the C's at the end. It's a silent C. Michael Obama.

[Wade]

Fr. No, I know you were trying to type Popra. Got it.

[Mark]

Megan the Stanleyan.

[Wade]

Caitlin Clark.

[Bob]

Caitlin Clark. Calc Kallark.

[Mark]

Hold on, you guys are spoiling all the jokes.

[Kim]

I'm going through it.

[Bob]

Just shut up, Kim Kardashian.

[Mark]

Shut up.

[Guest]

Bob.

[Mark]

Funerals.

[Guest]

Oh, yeah.

[Wade]

Oh, let me just stretch the anger.

[Host]

Out a little bit. Don't even get me started on funerals.

[Wade]

Did I not give you enough while you were alive? Did you not take enough of my precious time while you could reciprocate anything? Let's not even get into whether you did or did not ever say thank you for the countless hours of my life I gave to you. Grandma coming to visit, spending the holidays with you. You eating the food you made for me to make me eat.

[Host]

It's awful.

[Wade]

Don't get me started on funerals.

[Host]

Like those people need any more attention.

[Wade]

Only the most narcissistic, selfish, unbelievably self centered people would possibly think that what they need after they have left their family mourning and. And just torn apart is a party for them. That's who's important at that moment in time. That's what everyone wants. And open casket funerals, please.

[Host]

Oh yeah, I'm gonna die. And then I want you to dress me up real nice. And I want you to do my.

[Wade]

Makeup and I want you to pretend stuff my cheeks with cotton balls. Pretend like they're not all sunken in. And then Come look at me and talk to me like I'm there. Yeah, that's fair. That's fair to everyone. I need that in the afterlife. I'll really enjoy that. I'll drink it up like a delicious salve on my soul. That's fair. That's good.

[Host]

Miss you, Grandma.

[Mark]

Oh, man.

[Bob]

Is it a spork?

[Wade]

He jumped right past. A couple other guesses for that one, but no, it's not specifically a spork. No spoon.

[Mark]

Plastic spoon. No plastic fork.

[Wade]

It's a plastic fork.

[Mark]

I hate you.

[Wade]

It's gonna run.

[Kim]

I hate you.

[Mark]

Because why?

[Kim]

Why would I think specifically a plastic fork?

[Mark]

When you said it was not metal.

[Kim]

All cutlery went out the window. Because cutlery.

[Wade]

He's just made of plastic.

[Kim]

It's made of metal.

[Bob]

Hey, dude, I had to rule out wood. Basketball.

[Kim]

What do you mean, Bob? What do you mean? Why would the thing be a plastic fork? Why would that be the thing? You made the hardest possible thing to narrow down because you put it in a category that it's not typically in.

[Wade]

What? You never guessed fork.

[Kim]

Because you said it wasn't metal.

[Bob]

My 12th guess was cutlery for myself. Mark never went there. That's crazy. He stole everything else I said, but not that again. Again. That's the next one.

[Kim]

Why would you do that to me? You know, I thought.

[Mark]

I thought spork a long time ago. A long time ago. I was like, okay, there's a possibility that it's, like, plastic. Something like spork went up in my mind when he was like, plate was associated with. But I was like, there's no way it'd be that, man.

[Kim]

Plastic fork. A plastic fork.

[Host]

Yes.

[Bob]

Hey, my basketball was very specific, too.

[Kim]

Why have you done this to me? Why have you done this?

[Wade]

Are you appealing to, like, the subreddit or something? Do you think this is unfair, Mark?

[Mark]

I am appealing to the subreddit, yes. I'm throwing my only flag I have left because holy crap. That is the least fair thing.

[Kim]

What are you doing?

[Wade]

How many times a week do you think you use a plastic fork, Mark?

[Bob]

Barely.

[Wade]

I don't believe that that's absolutely true. You're currently living in another city at.

[Mark]

An Airbnb where they have silverware and.

[Wade]

You don't order food and you don't order food when you're working all day.

[Mark]

I always prefer to eat it with the silverware that's there because it's a.

[Kim]

Better utensil to do.

[Bob]

It's all right. I use enough plastic forks to make up for it.

[Kim]

And Also, in this thing, a plastic fork isn't even rigid.

[Wade]

Yes, it is.

[Kim]

No, it's not.

[Wade]

It's.

[Kim]

It's a flimsy piece of plastic.

[Bob]

Dude, you get a plastic fork from, like, cheesecake factory. Those things are like, I could stab.

[Wade]

Your eye out with the right plastic fork.

[Kim]

I want to take a nap. And I will.

[Wade]

In your tub with your pillow blanket. I see how it is.

[Mark]

Plastic fork. Plastic fork.

[Bob]

This is gonna haunt him for. For days to come.

[Mark]

I literally, like, halfway through.

[Wade]

Well, you didn't even guess, Spork. I would have probably given you a hit.

[Mark]

Oh, no, no, it couldn't be that. That'd be ridiculous.

[Wade]

Why couldn't it be that? I want to do another food one because I'm curious about this.

[Mark]

I hope you bring up cereal. I hope to God you bring up cereal.

[Wade]

Oh, that one's quick and easy.

[Bob]

Okay, how can you screw this up?

[Wade]

There's only one answer with cereal. Let's do that real quick. Cereal.

[Bob]

Oh, here we go.

[Wade]

What? Or bowl of cere. Order.

[Bob]

Oh, I'm gonna. I'm gonna roll up the sleeves.

[Mark]

You put your bowl down, you pour milk in it, then you pour your cereal. Dude, I'll die on this hill. And there's so many reasons all you sheeple out there that think it's okay. You put your. Pour your cereal for Zen your milk. No, you pour your milk first so you have a fixed quantity of milk. The elements that you're fighting is time till sogginess. If you have your milk first, you get the quantity of milk that you want, and then you pour CE a little bit at a time so it never becomes soggy. And then you will have a perfect ratio of cereal to milk at the end of it, because you will pour.

[Wade]

Exactly as much cereal as that milk.

[Mark]

Requires in the duration that it needs to be poured.

[Wade]

So the chisagginess thing is always the argument. And, like, that's correct to me, but I've never understood. You know how I do it is you pour the cereal first, and you pour a small amount of milk, and then you eat down the side so that you're eating the part that's in milk as it's getting milk saturated before it gets soggy. There's not enough milk, like, for me, like, less than a quarter of the bowl is ever touching milk at any given moment. Why? Why? If you pour milk first and your cereal floats, you get, like, five cheerios before it's floating over the edge of the giant bowl of milk that you just poured.

[Kim]

How much do you fill it with milk. I don't know.

[Wade]

I assume if you pour milk first, you pour a lot because you're a fucking weirdo.

[Mark]

Like a third of it in there. You don't want a lot of milk, but you're just you. The way you're describing it, you're a milk firster in denial. You're a milk firster.

[Wade]

I would just rather have my cereal maxed out and then enough milk to make it very delicious to eat.

[Bob]

I don't have time to pour cereal 30 times for one meal. I fill that bowl like three quarters with cereal. I pour like half full of milk and then it's like a hot dog eating competition, man. I'm ravenous, I'm a fast eater and I am pouring through that thing.

[Mark]

You don't need to do that. If you just pour your milk first.

[Bob]

I like it and I wouldn't change it.

[Mark]

And how many times have you been there when you have your cereal, you pour your milk and say, you're like, oh, shit, I don't have enough milk. I got to go pour more.

[Bob]

Never you can tell how much milk you have.

[Wade]

That's never ever happened. Because when I pick the milk out of the fridge, I know exactly if I have enough or not enough milk.

[Kim]

Then pour that amount into your bowl.

[Bob]

You know what I've had happen, which is even more sad is whenever I'm preparing for this and I go to pour the cereal and the box weighs so much, I'm like, oh, there's at least enough for a bowl and like four pieces of cereal come out and that's it.

[Mark]

Well, that's, that's a whole other issue. That's another issue.

[Wade]

That sounds like a skill issue.

[Mark]

Yeah, that's a different issue.

[Bob]

I've got this. There's no way I don't get this point.

[Mark]

You've got this. I'm going to. I'll send you the time that it starts at. You're so good.

[Guest]

Ready?

[Mark]

Yes.

[Host]

All right. And go.

[Bob]

In Japan, what do you think the most common animal to fear would be? Oh, I'll tell you the answer.

[Guest]

Bears.

[Bob]

Bear attack shelters are going on sale in Japan as the country experiences record high number of incidents. Bears in Japan going crazy.

[Kim]

Listen, Bob, don't even try to say anything. I've got this point. I don't know if we gonged or not, but I'm gonna tell you about bears.

[Bob]

They're mammals, they got claws.

[Kim]

Don't you step in. I'm telling you about. This is my point.

[Mark]

Wait, here's a Here's a topic. I'm not sure which side to take you on, but let's say kids having cell phones.

[Bob]

Don't get me started on kids with cell phones. When we were growing up, we were lucky to have a walkie talkie. My grandparents gave me a walkie talkie and if I got out of range of the walkie talkie, grounded in trouble, not going out again. Kids with cell phones, they don't worry about dial up Internet like we did. They can just access whatever. Whenever they're in class, cell phone goes off. Hold on. Teacher gotta take this call. That's why they're dumb as not learning anything. Because they're sitting there googling dumb, responding to their friends, texting their friends, looking at porn, making bombs. Whatever teenagers do these days, that's not sitting there and learning. We talk about the education system, family. Oh, it must be the teachers. Oh, must be this. No, it's the goddamn stupid ass kids and their worst parents giving them all this technology way too early. And they don't know how to handle it because they're giving it an early age. They think, oh, I can just go off and multitask whenever ever. No, your brain's not that good. Our brains aren't that good. Humans brains aren't that good. We're all stupider for having phones in front of us at all times. Kids with cell phones, worst idea, Nothing good is coming of that. They might once in a blue moon have an important text or call that comes that doesn't have to go through the principal's office. We had a protocol for that if something important happened. Principal comes in, intercom goes off, come in. We need to tell you something now. It's hey, Grandma died, by the way. Just thought you should know. Love you. Don't forget to do your homework.

[Kim]

Bye. And it's like, why is that on your phone?

[Guest]

Phone?

[Bob]

Don't even get me started on this.

[Wade]

I looked at my cell phone every.

[Host]

Time you said the word phone during that.

[Bob]

See, I take that phone and beat little Timmy's head in with it. Be like, you're pay attention now. Gonna pay attention now.

[Host]

No, he probably is not.

[Bob]

This is good therapy. We should do this more often.

[Mark]

I'm just gonna show my desk so, you know, there's no other lens caps.

[Wade]

Okay, so, you know, good.

[Bob]

You know, is this the kind of production we can expect from the movie?

[Mark]

Okay. Okay, so I'm gonna, I'm gonna flip it in camera. It's gonna go straight up.

[Wade]

I'm sticking with heads, sticking with Heads. Heads. I've never lost with heads.

[Mark]

Are we ready?

[Guest]

Three, two.

[Wade]

Fucking.

[Kim]

No way. Eight points to nothing.

[Bob]

Mark, you might just need to call this before he comes back. He's really mad.

[Mark]

No, it can land the other way. I don't.

[Wade]

I don't know.

[Bob]

Wade.

[Mark]

Call it.

[Host]

Scared.

[Bob]

Oh. Let's go. Heads.

[Guest]

Okay.

[Mark]

It's not cursed for you.

[Guest]

I don't know what's going on.

[Bob]

All right.

[Mark]

Okay.

[Wade]

So. It can't.

[Mark]

It can't.

[Guest]

I. I don't know, Mark.

[Bob]

I'm gonna need to get that from you. I think that's my lucky coin.

[Mark]

All right.

[Host]

Okay.

[Guest]

All right.

[Bob]

You mail that to me. I'm 9 and O with this coin. Oh, it's getting light.

[Mark]

Oh, he's back. Okay, cool.

[Bob]

Do we tell him or we not tell him about the other coin flip after he left.

[Wade]

One other coin flip. I'm fine. I'm. Calm down.

[Bob]

Okay, so you were 0 and 8.

[Mark]

I know.

[Bob]

What.

[Mark]

And then I flipped it. I was like, maybe it's weighted. And I flipped it, like, to see if it could land on heads. And it landed on heads, so it's like, can.

[Bob]

So it was heads for me, just not for you.

[Wade]

I took some deep breaths, and I'm back now. And I'm just gonna put what you just said completely out of my mind so that I can remain calm for.

[Host]

The the end of this episode.

[Kim]

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