Best of Wade: Part 1 (Compilation)

Summary

Distractible – Best of Wade: Part 1 (Compilation)

Release Date: November 3, 2025
Hosts: Mark Fischbach, Wade Barnes, Bob Muyskens

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Episode Overview

This “Best of Wade” compilation celebrates the most hilarious, bizarre, and memorable moments featuring Wade Barnes from past Distractible episodes. Mark, Bob, and Wade relive iconic stories, unhinged rants, and absurd games, all spotlighting Wade’s irrepressible wit. If you love watching friends outdo each other’s idiocy and embrace chaos, this episode is Wade at his absolute best—a showcase of indignation, improvisational genius, and comedic timing.

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Key Segments & Highlights

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1. Unforgettable Lullabies and Off-Beat Absurdity

[03:08 - 04:47]

• Bob's Dark Lullaby:
  Bob invents a "soothing" lullaby full of comically bleak lyrics for Wade’s infant self.

  "Rock a bye Bobby on the treetop. Mommy is dead but you still have pops. Now that she's gone the money go by. So sleep little Bobby so papa can cry..."
  – Bob ([03:58])

• Wade’s Reaction:

  "I had so little expectations coming into this that I did not see that coming."
  – Wade ([04:51])

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2. Game of Animal Sounds & Relentless Impressions

[05:03 - 06:27], [13:00 - 14:51], [19:55 - 21:22], [36:04 - 37:41]

• Wade’s Impressions:
  Wade exudes confidence in his ability to replicate animal noises, resulting in chaotic back-and-forths of impressions, guesses, and mock outrage.

• Memorable Quote:

  "I think I'll get all the questions correct and Wade will make all the noises and it'll be a tie."
  – Wade ([05:03])

• Highlights:

  • Animal noise mimicking—ranging from goats, birds, and cows, to camels and even Smeagol from Lord of the Rings.
  • Bob’s self-admitted painful efforts:

    "My mouth hurts."
    – Bob ([14:14])

• Gollum/Smeagol Bit:
  Playful Gollum/J.R.R. Tolkien roleplay rapidly devolves into absurdity, including a Mordor GPS joke.

  "What is potatoes, precious?"
  – Bob ([21:27])
  "If you reach the city of the Damned, you've gone too far."
  – Wade ([21:35])

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3. Generational How-Tos and Religious Rants

[06:09 - 07:48], [22:07 - 24:39]

• “Explain Like an Elder” Game:
  Bob and Wade escalate their explanations for boiling eggs—taking it backward from Google, to early civilization, to biblical times, involving Jesus making a perfect jelly-like egg.

  "I handed an egg to Jesus himself and I swear he touched it. He handed it back, the shell came off and it was jelly-like so I eat it. Jesus made that egg so good."
  – Wade ([07:06])

• Photosynthesis Evangelist:
  Bob increases fanaticism while explaining photosynthesis, ending with a mock-cultish blood sacrifice.

  "My brothers and sisters, I alone speak to the plants... Your donations are the key to the survival of this planet."
  – Bob ([23:19])
  "It's too late. There's nothing we can do except for sacrifice ourselves to bring the plants back. Our blood is the key..."
  – Bob ([24:01])

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4. Riffs and Rants: Pets, Coffee, and Bodily Fluids

Pets – [10:44 - 12:34]

• Wade uncovers the untold horrors of pet ownership, from vet bills and leaky anal glands to cleaning up cat and dog messes.

  "Pets are a bigger responsibility than anyone would have... No, you don't. You're gonna gel up your fingers and shove them up Fido's ass..."
  – Wade ([10:44])

Coffee – [30:51 - 32:35]

• Unleashing on caffeine culture, Wade equates coffee addiction to being a serial killer.

  "You made yourself need your coffee. You got yourself on this goddamn addiction... Oh, my God. It's not my problem. Get over it. Don't get me started on coffee."
  – Wade ([31:18])

Gallons of Urine – [32:40 - 33:44]

• Bob, in character, interviews a local recycling innovator collecting “gallons of urine” for unclear environmental purposes.

  "So I went around with my bucket. I started collecting urine. We put it in some nice sealed containers..."
  – Bob (as “Bill,” [33:01])

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5. Wade’s Best Characters & Impressions

News Parodies – [29:57 - 30:48]

• Bob’s “Olivia” newscaster, giving birth mid-broadcast:

  "Olivia's in the studio today despite actively giving birth. That's right. News anchor Olivia Jaquith went ahead with a three hour morning newscast while giving birth in the studio..."
  – Bob ([30:17])

Impressions Game & Word Play – [15:56 - 16:41], [40:37 - 42:46]

• The group spirals into a word chain, riffing on “deep fried Ruth” and then “Houston, we have a problem,” remixing it through rhymes and word substitutions with increasingly elaborate results.

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6. Satirical Reporting & Inventions

Road Painting/Transylvania Bit – [25:40 - 27:22]:

• Wade and Bob engage in a parody news segment about bizarre, zigzagging road lines in “Pennsylvania,” with Bob as “Drac Ulysses La.”

  "It's actually pronounced Drac... Oh, man."
  – Bob ([27:04])

Clown Plane Revenge Fantasy – [28:09 - 29:45]:

• When asked how he’d handle a plane situation, Wade creates an escalating scenario involving blood, hair, hazmat, and shooting at the sky to "kill God."

  “I would probably go get like the longest range weapon I could find and shoot at the sky nonstop with it, hoping to kill God because this is his fault. Like, he did this.”
  – Wade ([28:31])

Live Reports from Lowe’s Display Shed – [43:12 - 44:10]:

• Wade “interviews” a naked, Vaseline-smeared fugitive.

  "This was a very slippery interview. This guy kept getting out of my fingers, despite how hard I tried to grasp him..."
  – Wade ([43:24])

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7. Notable Word Play & Game Riffs

Deep Fried Ruth Chain – [15:56 - 16:41]:

• Mark, Bob, and Wade escalate rhyming puns to increasingly absurd iterations (slob, throb, glob, guab, etc.)
• "You mob can't handle deep fried Ruth."
  – Wade ([15:24])

Houston Chains – [40:37 - 42:46]:

• Rapid-fire, ever-changing riffs from “Houston, we have a problem” to “fig juice box Newton trace elements problem.”
  • "Houston, we have a fig Juice box Newton trace element problem."
    – Wade ([41:49])

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Memorable Quotes

• Wade (on pets):
  "You're gonna gel up your fingers and shove them up Fido's ass." ([10:52])

• Mark (on hypocrisy):
  "VPN signups skyrocket in face of porn bans in specifically red states. If you didn't know, hypocrisy abound." ([08:03])

• Wade (on religious fanaticism):
  "Our blood is the key with the soil. To be nutrientized, to be dapiotized, to feel something again." ([24:01])

• Bob (as “Drac Ulysses La”):
  "Paint prices have gone up dramatically since the roads have been paved in such a way..." ([27:04])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment Description | Timestamp | |--------------------------------------------------------|---------------| | Bob’s lullaby for Wade | 03:30 – 04:47 | | Generational boiling egg explanations | 06:09 – 07:48 | | Animal noises/impressions games | Various: 05:18; 13:00; 19:55; 36:04 | | Gollum/Smeagol imitation bit | 21:15 – 21:44 | | Pet ownership rant | 10:44 – 12:34 | | Coffee rant | 30:51 – 32:35 | | Road painting/Transylvania news parody | 25:40 – 27:22 | | Clown revenge/fantasy plane scenario | 28:09 – 29:45 | | Lowe’s display shed, Vaseline fugitive parody | 43:12 – 44:10 | | Houston wordplay riff | 40:37 – 42:46 |

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Why Listen?

This episode is Wade chaos incarnate: from bleakly funny lullabies to fever-pitch rants about pets, coffee, and bodily functions. Whether lampooning news reports or losing his mind in a word-play spiral, Wade’s unpredictability—and Mark and Bob’s encouragement—make this a laugh-out-loud, highlight-packed tour of Distractible’s best comedic fireworks.

Listen for:

• Unhinged character bits and improvised news segments
• Wade’s unfiltered opinions (and specific anatomical complaints)
• Spiraling word games and wild, escalating bits
• Absurdist group chemistry—a masterclass in comedic escalation

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For fans and first-timers alike, these highlights are a perfect crash course in Wade’s singular comedic style and the friends’ equally singular dynamic.

Transcript

[Mark]

This episode is brought to you by Facebook. The holidays bring people home. Facebook brings people together. From spontaneous messages that lead to overdue catch ups, to finding new communities and friends to go on tangents with. Like in your favorite podcast Facebook group on Facebook, a little connection goes a long way, especially the night before Thanksgiving.

[Bob]

Facebook is the only way I keep track of like a lot of my family members around the holidays. We're all like nostalgic and remembering like the time that we could all fit under while. And so we all reach out like, oh, have these stories and such, which is actually really, really nice.

[Wade]

But, you know, it's even better than that things. Facebook Marketplace is my favorite, but it's even more fun when I have to go visit my stupid parents around the holidays and I can pull up Facebook Marketplace and see what's for sale around their house.

[Bob]

I caught up with a friend I hadn't talked to.

[Mark]

What'd you buy?

[Bob]

A few moments of their time.

[Mark]

You had to pay for that. Lame. Let's reconnect this holiday season with.

[Bob]

This episode is brought to you by Mentos Gum. Keep things fresh. It's important, right? And I'm not just talking about fresh breath. It's important to switch up your routine whenever you can. I just. I'm the person who can't help but chew. You put a mint in your mouth, you're supposed to suck on it. I'm like, swallow. So I kind of need gum.

[Wade]

You turn into a cartoon dog. I'm sorry. Next time we hang out, I'm giving you a mint just to see what happens.

[Bob]

And of course, another way to refresh every day is with Mentos gum, available in a range of fresh flavors like spearmint, fresh mint and strawberry. Mentos gum. Yes to fresh.

[Wade]

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[Mark]

This episode of Distractable is presented by T mobile 5G home Internet. Okay, how do you guys know when someone's really your friend?

[Wade]

I don't know.

[Bob]

I don't know.

[Wade]

But I do know That T mobile 5G home Internet's got your back with their fast speeds, easy 15 minute setup. A price for any budget and 5 year price guarantee. Visit t mobile.com homeinternet to check availability. Guarantees monthly price of fixed wireless 5G Internet data exclusions like taxes and fees apply.

[Mark]

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[Bob]

Vaults, we hunt for wondrous escapades. Yes, it's time for Best of Wade part one. And I'm bugged. I don't know why I did that.

[Wade]

Oh my God. Is that Guru Stefan? Guru and Harold's bald cousin.

[Bob]

I don't know what happened to me there. I was possessed. I'm haunted, man.

[Mark]

Get ready for that to be quoted for a very long time.

[Wade]

I'm going to make that a notification sound on my phone. What was it? What was your title, Wayne? Rock. Rock.

[Bob]

Rockaby, Rockaby Bobby.

[Wade]

Oh, that sounds sweet. That sounds calming.

[Bob]

Yeah.

[Wade]

Already that sounds calmer than what Mark had going on.

[Bob]

Well, so my thought process is, is if you're an infant, like what are you going to really remember from this talk other than maybe like some sing songy little lullaby. So I wrote you a little lullaby.

[Wade]

Oh, beautiful.

[Bob]

Oh, wow. That hopefully will stick with you for life. Oh, okay. All right, so I'm just gonna sing it to you. You ready for some cringe everyone out there.

[Wade]

Oh, do it.

[Bob]

Rock a bye Bobby on the treetop Mommy is dead but you still have pops. Now that she's gone the money go by. So sleep little Bobby so papa can cry. And when you wake Pa will still be sad. So grow up and deal. Cause that's life with dear dad.

[Mark]

Wow.

[Bob]

That'S your first life lesson.

[Mark]

I'll take my L, Bob.

[Bob]

I'll take my lips.

[Wade]

I had so little expectations coming into this that I did not see that coming.

[Mark]

Do I need to repeat what the game we're playing is?

[Wade]

I pretty much got it. I think I'll get. I'll get all the questions corrected. Wade will make all the noises and it'll be a tie.

[Mark]

All right, it may. It may be difficult. It may be difficult. All right, hold on.

[Bob]

Is the whole thing one animal?

[Wade]

Yeah. No, that's goats. That's what goats sound like. I got that one.

[Mark]

Is it good? Holy.

[Bob]

I have to do an impression now. Is that right?

[Mark]

You could also abstain if you don't want to. All right, I think Wade gets it. For the horrified scream and the discrepancy between the two. It truly is. I can't even do it. He did great.

[Bob]

Okay, so what's the to describe this? As if we are old, or as an old person would.

[Mark]

No, you're getting older. So each one of you would have to explain it older than the other one. You are going to explain how to boil an egg.

[Bob]

Turn on the stove, Set your pot there. Oh, shit. Forgot water. Go fill up with water at the sink, put it back on the stove, wait for the bubbles, put in your egg, wait till whatever Google tells you to wait for off the heat, take it out, dump your water, and I'll wait for your egg to cool.

[Wade]

What was that? Our age.

[Bob]

I figured, talking about Google, maybe like, you know, 20s. Yeah, no, that.

[Mark]

That works. I think that works. Wade Older now.

[Bob]

What we used to do is gather some sticks, put them together and you have to light them. You get some little leaves and stuff. You light them and you get your kettle and you put it on top of there. Make sure you take it down to the creek and get some water. The egg is in there and the water is hot. Yeah, you can eat.

[Wade]

It was that old.

[Bob]

I handed an egg to Jesus himself and I swear he touched it. He handed it back, the shell came off and it was jelly like so I eat it. Jesus made that egg so good.

[Wade]

Somehow it got seasonings inside the egg.

[Bob]

On the seventh day, I was supposed to rest, but this fucking idiot just ate my apple. I guess I don't know what the fuck that thing is, but let's make its youth edible many different ways. I suppose they could try frying. Ooh.

[Mark]

Ooh.

[Bob]

That spring looks kind of warm. I wonder if you put one in there and then you could. Ah, they could boil it too. Oh, God. And they're hideous naked. They should blow some clothes, man.

[Wade]

God was not who I thought he was.

[Mark]

VPN signups skyrocket in face of porn bans in specifically red states. If you didn't know, hypocrisy abound. Porn, very bad. But the states that are banning it are seeing unprecedented levels of VPNs. Accessing porn to this day.

[Wade]

Discuss.

[Bob]

Apparently it's gone beyond people now. What it's gone into like air and water bending because we have the red sea and blue sky. It's getting crazy out there. Not just red and blue states.

[Wade]

Did I just miss five minutes of conversation or back to you in the studio? Bob, how do you get throw it back to yourself in the studio?

[Bob]

I met Wade.

[Wade]

Oh, thanks. Bob, I. George Wade Barnes, just want to come out staunchly in favor of porn bans, but also staunchly in favor of VPNs.

[Mark]

If they knew who you were and what you were watching, they would be able to determine people that might be gay, but not out in the openly gay. I said that terribly. I said that horribly. But it would allow government institutions or companies to identify people's sexual orientation based on what they watch. And, you know, that by itself isn't bad. But depending on the people who have that information and have certain opinions about others, sexual orientation or otherwise, could be very, extremely, excessively bad. So, like, the. The. The bad sides are pretty bad. The good sides are limited. Wade in the field, how you feeling that hurricane?

[Bob]

Uh, it's real blowy. It's real bad. Thankfully, it's all straight out here. There's none of that gay wind blowing around. Not sure what transition you wanted with the hurricane, but it's the one you get.

[Wade]

That is one hell of a data point for them to suss out on your personal Internet record. I'll tell you what. The personality analysis algorithms are gonna be confused.

[Bob]

We did say there's none of the gay. How do we interpret this? Do we get him? Do we not get him?

[Mark]

I don't know.

[Wade]

Why is it Oscar the crowd? Why are you a Muppet character?

[Mark]

Oh, my God.

[Bob]

I see we get him.

[Wade]

Oh, Elmo needs to know his next move. Elmo needs to know right now.

[Bob]

Back to you in the studio.

[Mark]

Good. Well, great reporting. That's why you won those awards. All right, Wade?

[Bob]

Yeah?

[Mark]

Pets.

[Bob]

Honestly, don't get me started on pets. Pets are a bigger responsibility than anyone would have. You know pets, they're cute, they're cuddly, they're fun. Sure, but nobody wants to talk about what pets actually need money for. Vet bills. Leaky anal glands. You gotta take them to the vet once every month or two and have someone stick their fingers up their ass to release their anal glands. Because apparently that's a thing they don't teach them. Oh, I want to give you the puppy. No, you don't. You're gonna gel up your fingers and show them up Fido's ass. Well, someone has to, because anal glands get clogged. It's disgusting. Oh, and then they get older. We outlive our pets. That's really sad. It sucks losing pets. Been there, done that. They don't train you for that shit either. But when they get old, it's not all cute, cuddly, fun games. No, I'm learning that Cats stop using the litter box and they shit on the floor and they drag their ass. They go outside, they eat grass, they come inside and guess what?

[Mark]

Oh, grass.

[Bob]

That doesn't feel so good. Oh, I vomited. That makes me need to shit too, for some reason. Let me just leave all that right by the couch where you sit. So your feet can either be in the nice, nasty icky or on the lovely cleaning solution you put down. Just got a new rug. Oh, boy. Not marked yet. I better go mark that hike. Piss bleh all over the goddamn place. Oh, I don't want to eat the food you got today, Father. Oh, this canned food, it isn't what I happen to want. I don't want those treats today. I want what you want. All that stuff, Steak that you've been cooking looks great. You had to look away to crack open a drink. Fucking mind. Get your own food now, dad. Oh, okay. Guess I'll just fucking starve. What good do you? Give me some cuddles, some cute moments. But all of the shit, don't get me started.

[Mark]

God, you really went there, man.

[Wade]

I hope your pets don't listen to this podcast.

[Bob]

Yeah, man, I'm going to make them.

[Wade]

This is. This is what you play for them when you leave the house. Put them in their cage and play this episode on full volume.

[Bob]

Oh, yeah. Take out the blanket. Just cold, hard crate with a TV monitor and this.

[Mark]

That's pretty good. That's pretty good, man. Next up, Bob, you're first.

[Wade]

I think I. I think I know this one too.

[Bob]

Oh, yes, the AR15. What the. What the hell?

[Mark]

It's.

[Wade]

No, no. Yeah, I know. I think I know what that is. I think. I think that's a. Is that a magpie?

[Mark]

No, unfortunately, it's not.

[Wade]

I think I still know what it is. I think I just don't know what it's called because I could see. I could see this bad boy.

[Bob]

It's obviously the African hissing cockroach.

[Mark]

A damn fine guess what? A damn wrong guess.

[Wade]

Dig. It is actually an African animal.

[Mark]

I'll let Wade also chime in on this, because here is this animal, and I am unsure if this is actually gonna make the sound in the video. I can't see how, but here we go.

[Wade]

Oh. Oh, it's clacking. I see it. Yeah, I see it. I see it.

[Mark]

Damn, that's loud.

[Wade]

That's so loud. That's terrifying.

[Bob]

This is a bird that has seen war and is mimicking war.

[Mark]

Oh, hold on, I gotta play it with my phone.

[Bob]

It's so big. Can I vote we don't try to mimic that sound? I'll break my teeth.

[Wade]

Well, don't. Don't do that.

[Bob]

My mouth hurts.

[Mark]

If you feel like you have to, I can't stop you. But I don't suggest it.

[Bob]

Can you play it one more time?

[Mark]

Yeah, yeah, I get you. I think that was closer.

[Bob]

That was pretty good.

[Mark]

It had the right resonance to it.

[Wade]

What's on your desk?

[Bob]

That was my armrests. And also at one point, one of them fully just went down, even though it shouldn't, without pressing the button. So I'm a little concerned.

[Wade]

Yeah, well, they're probably designed to withstand that.

[Bob]

Also. Ow.

[Wade]

My hands hurt better than your teeth.

[Mark]

You can't handle the truth.

[Wade]

You can't handle my truth.

[Bob]

You can't handle thigh truth.

[Wade]

You can't handle fried truth.

[Bob]

You can't handle fried Ruth.

[Wade]

You can't handle deep fried Ruth.

[Bob]

You, bob can't handle deep fried Ruth.

[Wade]

Do I have to say my name there then?

[Mark]

Yeah, yeah, I think so.

[Wade]

You slob. Can't handle deep fried Ruth, you throb.

[Bob]

Can'T handle deep fried Ruth.

[Wade]

You mob can't handle deep fried Ruth.

[Bob]

You cobb can't handle deep fried Ruth.

[Wade]

Y you rob can't handle deep fried Ruth.

[Mark]

Didn't he just say.

[Bob]

Didn't.

[Mark]

Did you say.

[Wade]

He said throb. He said throb, I think. And we have said Bob, but Rob is different.

[Bob]

You nob can't handle deep fried Ruth, you little knob. Can't handle deep fried Ruth, you widdle knob. Can't handle deep fried Ruth, you wittle fucking knob.

[Wade]

Can't handle deep fried woof.

[Bob]

You wittle fucking glob. Can't handle deep fried woof.

[Wade]

You wittle fucking shit guab. Can't handle deep fried woof.

[Bob]

You wittle fucking shitglob. Can't handle deep fried paper roof.

[Wade]

The fuck? You little fucking shit knob.

[Bob]

Can't handle deep fried paper wrapped Ruth, you widow knob. Can't handle deep fried paper sleuth.

[Mark]

Paper wrapped Ruth.

[Bob]

Paper wrapped.

[Mark]

Also, I think there was some glob knob.

[Bob]

Yeah, I made it glob. He turned it back to knob, so I just went with it. Because you didn't call him.

[Mark]

Yeah. If I don't catch it, I don't think I can count it. Unless you do. Some kind of coin.

[Bob]

I'm saving that for later. I'm going to need it.

[Mark]

Oh, I do have one more article. This is the most breaking news. This appeared just an hour ago. Elon Musk are You ready?

[Bob]

Can't wait to see where this one goes.

[Mark]

Appears to admit he's guilty of cheating in gaming scandal. This is might be the worst thing.

[Bob]

He'S ever done in the last hour. My heart goes out to him. I can't believe this has come out. If he had just admitted to boosting in the first place, no one would have given a shit. But trying to claim it was his own work. Very unfortunate. Coming to you from one of the tier 15 maps in path of Exile, where I've been dead for the last hour after not knowing how to play. I'm coming to you live, shackled in Elon's basement. I can tell you he's been throwing a tantrum all day. This episode is brought to you by Welch's Fusions, the newest drop from Welch's Fruit snacks. We've got to warn you about the consequences of eating Welch's Fusions. It's like three dudes hanging out on a rooftop talking about the future.

[Mark]

Three dudes hanging out on a rooftop installing solar panels to provide us a sustainable future.

[Wade]

Three dudes on a roof installing solar panels so that they can power their computers and record their brilliant idea for a podcast.

[Mark]

Pretty awesome consequences if you ask me. New Welch's Fusions are so good. Each one is a combination of two fruity flavors in one juicy bite. One flavor on the outside, another on the inside.

[Bob]

It's an unbelievable taste sensation. So they are recommended for experienced taste buds only. You have been warned. New Welch's Fusions. Please use responsibly. Don't chew on that, Max. Cooper loves that chew too.

[Wade]

Oh, now he's into Cooper's food. Wow, he is loving it. What do you feed Cooper?

[Bob]

Blue Buffalo? Life protection Formula. He never leaves a crumb. I love it because it's made with high quality protein, nutrient rich fruits and veggies, and wholesome whole grains. Looks like we're switching to blue. Blue Buffalo foods are made with the superior ingredients your dog needs to thrive. Can your dog food say that? Visit feedbluefood.com to learn more. This episode is brought to you by Uber. You know that feeling when someone shows up for you when you need it most? Yeah, we all need that sometimes. And Uber knows that. Uber isn't just a ride or a meal delivered. It's showing up no matter what.

[Mark]

I think that might be them knocking on the door and cuz they're. You know. Uber's really good about getting them right to where you are. To them or the FBI. I'm not 100% sure.

[Wade]

Yep.

[Bob]

When it really matters, whatever it is, you show up or there's a will. We're on our way, Uber. On our way. Download the app today, Bob, I got.

[Mark]

A tough one for you. Okay. If you can identify this sound, you could get a point.

[Wade]

Oh, God. I want to say this is some kind of arachnid. No, I'm going to go with cow.

[Bob]

That is correct. It was a cow.

[Wade]

Hard to believe.

[Bob]

You get a point.

[Wade]

All right, Wade.

[Bob]

All right, here we go. Here we go. Sorry I smeagled again. It was a complete accident, guys.

[Mark]

No, actually, wait. I totally forgot there was some other thing I was gonna do. Wait, is there any other thing that you think that animal could be that would be more convincing than the correct answer?

[Bob]

Yeah. So after Tuesdays, whenever I usually do podcasts, stream, and then record, I sit in this chair for a long time. That's also the sound my knees make whenever I stand up after being here for 12 hours. That's incorrect. You don't know that.

[Mark]

You're right, I don't. If you can record that sound and it sounds exactly like this recording. All right, well, that was a tie, because I think you both made the exact same sound, and I don't know who did it better.

[Bob]

My first one was clearly the best. Yeah.

[Wade]

If Wade gets credit for his first one, doesn't that mean that I win?

[Mark]

I have no idea. Was that. Should we count that? That was the official. Your ability to do a Golem esque cow is very impressive.

[Wade]

Precious.

[Bob]

Moo.

[Mark]

Precious.

[Bob]

It'S me, Smeagol.

[Wade]

Hey, is that my ring? Where did you find that?

[Bob]

What is potatoes? Precious Gollum.

[Mark]

How do we get to Mordor?

[Bob]

Well, you take the 405, follows me.

[Wade]

If you reach the city of the Damned, you've gone too far.

[Bob]

Get on the field and just go.

[Mark]

All right, we're spinning and you guys are gonna. Oh.

[Wade]

Oh, God.

[Bob]

Great. Right off the bat, this is the one I was most looking forward to.

[Mark]

You're gonna be getting more fanatical. Formerly religious, but fanatical as you explain. And, Bob, you went first, so Wade, you're now going. And give us a nice baseline to work with, Wade, of. How does photosynthesis work? Just the basics.

[Bob]

Well, as all things, it works through a little bit of prayer and belief. We look up and we are blessed with rays from above that come down and they hit the greenery on this beautiful planet. As the rays hit the plants, they're filled with God's love and they bloom.

[Mark]

I've got to pause. I'M so sorry. It has to start with a normal. It has to start normal and then get fanatical. So I love, I love the. The ambition.

[Bob]

But what's a normal, fanatical explanation of photosynthesis?

[Mark]

No, not fanatical.

[Wade]

Not fanatical at all. Zero percent fanatical.

[Bob]

Okay, so I'm not doing any kind of thing.

[Mark]

No.

[Bob]

Photosynthesis.

[Mark]

Yes.

[Bob]

All fair enough.

[Wade]

All right.

[Bob]

Well, heat and light hitting a plant are converted into energy via the process of photosynthesis inside of a plant. Because the inside of plants are complex systems full of cells that require nutrients, including from the soil, from rain, so on and so forth. But light and heat are a very important source of energy. And the process of photosynthesis is simply the conversion of that energy into nutrients so that the plant can thrive.

[Mark]

That's a very apt description. That's great. That is pretty much what photosynthesis is without getting too into the weeds. Wait, a little more fanatical.

[Bob]

My brothers and sisters, I alone speak to the plants. I alone know what they have to say and what their needs are. And your generous donations are exactly what they need to get the process of photosynthesis started. Without you, the sun's rays will dim away. I've heard it from the plants themselves. They speak, they whisper, they yell, they scream, they cry. They love. And they need your love right now. So please be generous. Your donations are the key to the survival of this planet. Every blade of grass, every tree, they all need you and your support. And I will speak on their behalf and on your behalf to them to make sure we can all live in harmony. Amen.

[Mark]

Amen. Amen. Amen. Very, very good.

[Bob]

It's too late. There's nothing we can do except for sacrifice ourselves to bring the plants back. Our blood is the key with the soil. To be nutrientized, to be dapiotized, to feel something again. Take the blades, take these cocktails, drink and slant and allow our blood to bring the plants and photosynthesis back. For the sun is not strong enough without the blood of you and I. Jesus, God. God damn.

[Mark]

Amen.

[Wade]

Did Wade die?

[Mark]

I think he sacrificed himself.

[Wade]

Oh, I get it. That's very fanatical.

[Bob]

I like my music like I like my weather. Funky.

[Wade]

You need more lower lip bite if I'm going to believe that one.

[Bob]

Oh, I was like, oh, lower teeth need to bite.

[Mark]

Ah, man, that's going to be clipped forever, you know that's going to be forever.

[Bob]

Yeah, I remember back when we were.

[Mark]

At Village Tavern and you know, you had those supermodels coming up.

[Bob]

My single face. I'm not worn that in 12 years. Single face that. I win.

[Mark]

All right, I'm gonna show you guys a picture before we get to the next one.

[Wade]

Ooh, somebody was drunk. Some. Someone driving the paint truck. Just bouncing curb to curb as they go paint the lines on the road.

[Mark]

Wade, please describe this picture for everyone who's just listening.

[Bob]

Unfortunately, what we're looking at is a really messed up image of the corpse of an old road. You can see the chalk lines where they were drawing where the road had died, and they paved a new road right on top of it. But they redrew the chalk lines to make sure you could see where that old windy road died. What we're actually. Actually looking at is some of the most brilliant McDonald's marketing of all time. If you see the M's and the yellow lines, they want you to drive down the road and know you're headed toward McDonald's breakfast. What the is this? And why is this? It's like the road was too quick to get down. It's like we need to make the road longer. What if we make them curve around a little bit, make it take longer to get down the road?

[Mark]

You got there eventually, yes. This is a speed measure to try to get people to slow down in their driving. Now, here's the thing. This is in. Where is this in. This is Pennsylvania. And it's meant to zigzag because you can't, obviously. Well, you totally can go fast doing this.

[Bob]

I've got one of the local residents here who apparently has been experiencing other unforeseen issues. Drake, Ulysses, La. Would you want to tell us what you. What you've been seeing?

[Mark]

Huh?

[Bob]

It's actually pronounced Drac, the neighbors and I. One of the things we haven't noticed is that the paint prices have gone up dramatically since the roads have been paved in such a way. Wait, you said Pennsylvania, not Pennsylvania. Oh, man.

[Wade]

She just actually think it was Transylvania for a while.

[Bob]

Back to you. That's my line. My bad. That's Drac. Back to you in the studio, Drake.

[Mark]

Ulysses Law. That almost made me vomit. I'm not gonna lie. Can't just unleash something like that.

[Wade]

You weren't even laughing. You just jumped straight to vomit.

[Bob]

Oh, man.

[Mark]

Right to vomit. Right. Straight to vomit.

[Bob]

When I said that name, did you guys have any idea what was coming up? No.

[Wade]

I was so fucking confused.

[Bob]

That's the dumbest.

[Mark]

Whoa, man. Yeah, that might be. That might be. That might be your dumbest.

[Bob]

Good. The vampire.

[Mark]

Oh, man. Wade, how would you handle this situation?

[Bob]

Well, I'd go into one of the bathrooms, I'd put my clown costume. I'd walk up.

[Wade]

Which clown? Which kind of clown? What kind of clown? Which clown?

[Bob]

Oh, you know, like red hair, yellow.

[Wade]

Oh, okay, okay. Hamburger. I believe that's called hamburger. Classical hamburger. Clown.

[Bob]

I'd walk up to the person, I'd say, don't you know whose plane this is? And then they'd be, oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mr. Mr. Our Clown. And I go walk on the plane. I'd get some hair with some blood that I'd been saving in my basement and I'd put hair on each of the seats. But because there's blood becomes a biohazard. They have to get a Hazmat team to come look at the plane. And in the meantime, I would probably go get like the longest range weapon I could find and shoot at the sky nonstop with it, hoping to kill God because this is his fault. Like, he did this. So once he's gone and the plane is under Hazmat and people can't take off, I feel like I vindicated myself. And I call a cab to go somewhere else, I guess for vacation.

[Mark]

I'm still laughing and hoping to kill guns.

[Bob]

Well, clearly he's ruined my fucking vacation. Like, who else are you gonna bl. Don't shoot the messenger.

[Wade]

Just Wade standing out on a Runway.

[Bob]

Just like.

[Wade]

Do that. Do the cartoon thing where it like zooms, scrolls up really fast. It's like God is up, up in heaven. Just like, oh, God, I didn't think I could get up here.

[Bob]

Does he say, oh, God? You say, oh, me.

[Wade]

Oh me.

[Mark]

All right, so I'm gonna chuck it over to my ace reporters to replace me eventually. Fighting for the top spot, a co host, co anchor here. Who wants to go first? Should I flip for it or do you guys gotta.

[Bob]

I have a story.

[Wade]

Go for it. Shit, man.

[Bob]

Thankfully, I'm not the only professional here. There is somebody else who can deliver some of this news. No pun intended. Let's go over to Olivia. It seems like the weather is going to be mostly sunny, partly cloudy, chance of rain. Back to you. Thanks, Olivia. Olivia's in the studio today despite actively giving birth. That's right. News anchor Olivia Jaquith went ahead with a three hour morning newscast while giving birth in the studio. Lots of weird chocolate covered pickles being consumed in the studio today.

[Mark]

I want you to win the One man show so badly.

[Wade]

Well, yes, actually. Host an episode for that to happen.

[Mark]

So wait, do you want coffee? Because that's what's up.

[Bob]

Don't get me started on coffee. I'm not a coffee drinker. People will say, they wake up, they're like, oh, the smell of a fresh cup of coffee. People have their nasty yellowed coffee teeth. They have their nasty coffee breath. One cup of coffee when I wake up gives me some energy to start my day a month later. Two cups of coffee gives me the energy to start my day a couple months later. Oh, man, I've not had coffee in like two hours. I'm starting to really wear down. I've only had two pots of coffee today. Oh, I only need 18 forests of coffee to get through my week. You weak fucking little bitches. I don't have any coffee. I don't have any goddamn energy drinks. I'm a fucking person who just learns to deal with it. Jesus, fuck. Oh, I need my coffee. No, you don't. You made yourself need your coffee. You got yourself on this goddamn addiction to coffee. What good is it done to make you spend more money to get more coffee that doesn't quite get you that same high the first cup ever did. It's like your goddamn serial killer. You got your first kill. Oh, man, I gotta do another one, see if it gets me that same high. No, the coffee will never recapture that first moment of coffee glass you had. It will never be as good. And you smell bad. It smells bad, it tastes bad, it takes up space. I could have other good things in the store. Oh, you know, you work at a place that serves coffee. You know what you do? Every 10 minutes, you change the fucking coffee. You throw away the nasty wrapper of coffee grounds. You start another brew of coffee. People come in, in. I'll have my 50 cent cup of coffee. Actually, it's a dollar today, sir. The price went up. Yeah, that's what happens in the world. Prices go up. And I'm sorry you're grumpy. You didn't have your cigarette in your coffee. Oh, my God. It's not my problem. Get over it. Don't get me started on coffee.

[Mark]

Okay?

[Wade]

And you smell bad.

[Mark]

Damn, man. First one. It's a lot of pee, man.

[Bob]

Sorry. It's a lot of pee. Man has no idea who is putting.

[Mark]

Gallons of urine in his recycling bin.

[Bob]

Gallons.

[Wade]

It's a lot of pee. How does he know it's gallons? Is it in containers?

[Mark]

Yeah. First account from our reporter in the field, Wade here.

[Bob]

So I was interviewing a neighbor by the name of Bill. Bill, do you want to tell Us your story.

[Mark]

Yeah.

[Bob]

Hi, man. Just want to let you know, recycling here, it ain't free. We can't all afford recycling. But the water supply, it's been a bit rough. It's hard to get water. So I was talking to some of the other folks and we decided, well, we make liquid, right? And they could probably recycle it, make something good out of it. So I went around with my bucket. I started collecting urine. We put it in some nice sealed containers and we put it in Mr. Dween's bucket. And we're like, oh, they'll come collect the bigger bucket because they'll recycle it. I mean, it's liquid. Why can't you recycle liquid if you recycle wood and cardboard and plastic and all that? So we're just trying to do some good for the community. Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Whatever your name was. Bill. Yes, Mr. Bill, back to you.

[Mark]

Thank you to Wade. Reporter Wade reporting from Portland, where water is a problem. Yep. And people talk like that. Wade, feeling paranoid?

[Bob]

No, man. An atom's pretty simple. You have the nucleus, which is like the command center, made up of protons and electrons and so on and so forth, and cameras, microphones, and such that the nucleus always kind of knows what's going on. And the way, you know what kind of atom you have is how many things are kind of floating around, watching things. Basically, it, you know.

[Mark]

Oh, all right. Yeah, that basically. Is it any deeper levels? Apparently.

[Bob]

Get it off me. I cut it off. I'll slice it.

[Wade]

All right. Okay.

[Mark]

All right. That's. That's. Yeah. Bob, I'm afraid that unless you got something deeper in you, it's gonna be hard.

[Bob]

I need knee pads for these kind of shows, man.

[Wade]

See, he's dying because he knows the truth.

[Bob]

Oh. Oh. Now there's liquid in my lungs and my ears. Thanks, man.

[Mark]

This episode is brought to you by NOS Energy. NOS Energy exists to boost your horsepower. So it depends on what kind of boost you need. Are you prepping for an exam? Are you prepping for a job interview? Are you prepping? Happen to wake up in the morning? You a prepper?

[Wade]

Oh, I'm a big prepper.

[Bob]

If you want the high performance boost that tastes great. NOS Energy comes in a range of refreshing flavors. Original GT Grape and Sonic Sour. And NOS Zero Sugar is, you guessed it, sugar free.

[Mark]

NOS Energy, get after it. Find out more at drinknos.com that'S-R-I-N-K-N-O-S.com.

[Wade]

This episode is brought to you by Joe Malone, London. I don't like smelling like everyone else. You know, like, I want to smell good, but I also want to smell like me.

[Bob]

Is this a hint for holiday gift idea?

[Wade]

They have gift sets. They have limited edition special colognes. They sell candles. They have all kinds of stuff that your best friend slash podcast co host might love to receive. Shop holiday favorites@jo malone.com or at a Jo Malone London store near you.

[Mark]

Here we go.

[Bob]

Didn't hear these. I can't help but feel like that's a little bit more challenging than the cow. Why does he get cow and I get Mark stubbing his toe while falling down a flight of stairs?

[Mark]

No.

[Wade]

You know what that was? That was Tyler six minutes into a hard laugh.

[Bob]

Half here. I'll play it again because, please.

[Mark]

This.

[Bob]

Is a real animal. This is a real animal. I want to qualify.

[Mark]

These are all animals, okay? This is.

[Bob]

This is the European jackrabbit pony. It sounds like a motorcycle, and whenever you ride it around, you have to tilt its ear a little bit to make sure you're getting the full speed.

[Mark]

That is a pretty good guess, but unfortunately, that is not correct. Bob, what was your guess?

[Wade]

My. My first guess was this is Tyler six minutes into a really good laugh. I also think it kind of sounds like a donkey. Who forgot how donkeys are supposed to sound?

[Bob]

Is it weird? My first thing I thought was Mark stubbing his toe while falling down a flight of stairs.

[Wade]

Is that what the. The second half is? Mark starts falling down the stairs?

[Bob]

I'll hold your impressions because there's going.

[Mark]

To be another point on the board. I want you guys to understand. Neither of you got what it was, but it's a camel.

[Bob]

Oh, there's a lot of stairs in camel land. Rally car over here. What the. That's what I hear, man.

[Mark]

Idaho governor signs bill criminalizing public breast exposure and truck nuts.

[Wade]

Ooh.

[Mark]

When they came for our breasts, I said nothing. And when they came for our truck nuts. Because I've only had a truck for a little bit now, but I'm assuming I will get that in the mail at some point. They'll send me my truck nuts.

[Wade]

Yeah, definitely.

[Bob]

I have an interview here with one of the local Idaho residents. What's your name, sir?

[Mark]

Mr.

[Bob]

Potato Head. Mr. Mr. Head, can you tell us what's been going on? It's been terrible. My little spuds have seen things they shouldn't be seeing anywhere and everywhere. Their boobs out, balls out, all kinds of things. It's been incredibly painful, especially for Me and my wife, we've had to keep our eyes peeled to see the things going on around here. Did you just say peeled because it was a pun? No, you heard it here first. They've had to keep their eyes peeled to make sure that their little spot aren't seeing the terrible things going on in Idaho. Back to you in the studio.

[Mark]

Thank you. For those who are just listening, they didn't see Wade's waddle out of that interview.

[Bob]

I'm a master of impressions.

[Mark]

Pick a number, one through five. Four.

[Bob]

Oh, it's a Australian mini antelope.

[Mark]

I'm gonna look that animal up. If that's not real, I'm gonna deduct a point from you. How dare you make up animals here.

[Wade]

I hope it's a real animal.

[Mark]

It came up as an animal.

[Bob]

Thank you.

[Mark]

What adorable mini antelope. Wait, wait. What the. Were you right?

[Wade]

There is no native species of antelope in Australia. However, there have been instances of non native antelopes being introduced to certain regions.

[Bob]

Yeah, just like the camels and other things. Was that the right noise?

[Mark]

It's not the right answer. No. This one is much less inspiring. This is simply a lemur.

[Bob]

Dude, I literally guessed lemur, like, three guesses ago. Why are lemur's less inspiring? They're so cool.

[Wade]

It looks a little bit like this is the lemur who became the joker in the Lemur universe. I don't know why his lipstick is so bold, but it's a lot.

[Mark]

Yeah. For those who are listening only this.

[Bob]

This lemur is just.

[Wade]

Do you want to know how I got these scars?

[Mark]

It's just truly. Just really beautiful. All right, who can imitate that? Man, that was, ah, so close.

[Bob]

Thank you.

[Mark]

Houston, we have a problem.

[Bob]

Houston, we have a big problem.

[Wade]

Houston, we have a big space problem.

[Bob]

Houston, we have a big race problem.

[Wade]

Houston, we have a big grace problem.

[Bob]

Houston, we have a big lace problem.

[Wade]

Houston, we have a big mace problem.

[Bob]

Houston, we have a big trace problem.

[Wade]

Houston, we have a big trace elements problem.

[Bob]

Houston, we have a pig trace elements problem.

[Wade]

Houston, we have a rig trace elements problem.

[Bob]

Houston, we have a fig trace elements problem.

[Wade]

Houston, we have a fig Newton trace elements problem.

[Bob]

Houston, we have a fig juice Newton trace elements problem. Wait, wait, that can't be right. The singer, she does angel of the Morning, which is the opener to Deadpool.

[Mark]

I could have swore. Did he add two words that time or.

[Wade]

No, he just added a really weird word.

[Mark]

Okay, all right. Okay. All right. Okay, I'll let it slide.

[Wade]

Houston, we have a fig Juice box Newton trace element problem.

[Bob]

Houston, bro, we have a fig juice box Newton trace elements problem.

[Wade]

Houston, bro, we have a big fig. Juice box Newton trace elements problem.

[Bob]

Houston, little bro, we have a big juice box Newton trace elements problem.

[Mark]

No, sorry. It's a big figure.

[Bob]

Why? Did you catch it when Bob said big?

[Mark]

No, you needed big and fig. You just said big.

[Bob]

I thought we changed big to fig.

[Mark]

Did we? Am I wrong? Bob, am I wrong?

[Wade]

I thought it was Fig Newton. Juice. Fig, juice box Newton. Yeah, I think it was just fig.

[Bob]

I'll take the L. Give it to me.

[Mark]

I think you added one because you said Houston, Little bro. Little bro.

[Bob]

Fucking. We have a big juice box Newton. L trace elements. Whatever the.

[Mark]

I don't know.

[Bob]

Give me the L. I'll take the L. God damn it. I'm sure I fucked up.

[Wade]

Wait till you're trying to earn zero points on the whole episode.

[Bob]

I know. Whenever I'm beat and this one is beating my ass anyway.

[Mark]

Police find naked man in Lowe's display shed with Vaseline and a phone.

[Wade]

I feel like we all understand what's happening though there.

[Mark]

We sure do. We sure do. We got Wade, who's on the scene.

[Wade]

With the man in the shed.

[Mark]

An exclusive scoop.

[Bob]

Yes. So this was a really difficult interview to get. This was a very slippery interview. This guy kept getting out of my fingers despite how hard I tried to grasp him. Tell us exactly what was going on. Hi, Mom. I see. And can you tell us more? It does appear drugs are involved.

[Mark]

Mark.

[Wade]

All right.

[Mark]

Drugs are involved. I see. So we're not so different after all.

[Bob]

Slipped away again. The only way to find him there is a greasy set of footprints. Just so you know. Know. Authorities have been all over it. But this has been a slippery suspect.

[Mark]

I'm not going to give you any points for the puns.

[Bob]

If.

[Mark]

If that was you actually acting for that laugh in the middle as him, that actually would have. That's incredible. Incredible acting. And we give you all credit for that.

[Bob]

Thank you. Watch new episodes on Spotify.