Distractible – Best of Wade: Part 1 (Compilation)

Release Date: November 3, 2025
Hosts: Mark Fischbach, Wade Barnes, Bob Muyskens

Episode Overview

This “Best of Wade” compilation celebrates the most hilarious, bizarre, and memorable moments featuring Wade Barnes from past Distractible episodes. Mark, Bob, and Wade relive iconic stories, unhinged rants, and absurd games, all spotlighting Wade’s irrepressible wit. If you love watching friends outdo each other’s idiocy and embrace chaos, this episode is Wade at his absolute best—a showcase of indignation, improvisational genius, and comedic timing.

Key Segments & Highlights

1. Unforgettable Lullabies and Off-Beat Absurdity

[03:08 - 04:47]

• Bob's Dark Lullaby:
  Bob invents a "soothing" lullaby full of comically bleak lyrics for Wade’s infant self.

  "Rock a bye Bobby on the treetop. Mommy is dead but you still have pops. Now that she's gone the money go by. So sleep little Bobby so papa can cry..."
  – Bob ([03:58])

• Wade’s Reaction:

  "I had so little expectations coming into this that I did not see that coming."
  – Wade ([04:51])

2. Game of Animal Sounds & Relentless Impressions

[05:03 - 06:27], [13:00 - 14:51], [19:55 - 21:22], [36:04 - 37:41]

• Wade’s Impressions:
  Wade exudes confidence in his ability to replicate animal noises, resulting in chaotic back-and-forths of impressions, guesses, and mock outrage.

• Memorable Quote:

  "I think I'll get all the questions correct and Wade will make all the noises and it'll be a tie."
  – Wade ([05:03])

• Highlights:

  • Animal noise mimicking—ranging from goats, birds, and cows, to camels and even Smeagol from Lord of the Rings.
  • Bob’s self-admitted painful efforts:

    "My mouth hurts."
    – Bob ([14:14])

• Gollum/Smeagol Bit:
  Playful Gollum/J.R.R. Tolkien roleplay rapidly devolves into absurdity, including a Mordor GPS joke.

  "What is potatoes, precious?"
  – Bob ([21:27])
  "If you reach the city of the Damned, you've gone too far."
  – Wade ([21:35])

3. Generational How-Tos and Religious Rants

[06:09 - 07:48], [22:07 - 24:39]

• “Explain Like an Elder” Game:
  Bob and Wade escalate their explanations for boiling eggs—taking it backward from Google, to early civilization, to biblical times, involving Jesus making a perfect jelly-like egg.

  "I handed an egg to Jesus himself and I swear he touched it. He handed it back, the shell came off and it was jelly-like so I eat it. Jesus made that egg so good."
  – Wade ([07:06])

• Photosynthesis Evangelist:
  Bob increases fanaticism while explaining photosynthesis, ending with a mock-cultish blood sacrifice.

  "My brothers and sisters, I alone speak to the plants... Your donations are the key to the survival of this planet."
  – Bob ([23:19])
  "It's too late. There's nothing we can do except for sacrifice ourselves to bring the plants back. Our blood is the key..."
  – Bob ([24:01])

4. Riffs and Rants: Pets, Coffee, and Bodily Fluids

Pets – [10:44 - 12:34]

• Wade uncovers the untold horrors of pet ownership, from vet bills and leaky anal glands to cleaning up cat and dog messes.

  "Pets are a bigger responsibility than anyone would have... No, you don't. You're gonna gel up your fingers and shove them up Fido's ass..."
  – Wade ([10:44])

Coffee – [30:51 - 32:35]

• Unleashing on caffeine culture, Wade equates coffee addiction to being a serial killer.

  "You made yourself need your coffee. You got yourself on this goddamn addiction... Oh, my God. It's not my problem. Get over it. Don't get me started on coffee."
  – Wade ([31:18])

Gallons of Urine – [32:40 - 33:44]

• Bob, in character, interviews a local recycling innovator collecting “gallons of urine” for unclear environmental purposes.

  "So I went around with my bucket. I started collecting urine. We put it in some nice sealed containers..."
  – Bob (as “Bill,” [33:01])

5. Wade’s Best Characters & Impressions

News Parodies – [29:57 - 30:48]

• Bob’s “Olivia” newscaster, giving birth mid-broadcast:

  "Olivia's in the studio today despite actively giving birth. That's right. News anchor Olivia Jaquith went ahead with a three hour morning newscast while giving birth in the studio..."
  – Bob ([30:17])

Impressions Game & Word Play – [15:56 - 16:41], [40:37 - 42:46]

• The group spirals into a word chain, riffing on “deep fried Ruth” and then “Houston, we have a problem,” remixing it through rhymes and word substitutions with increasingly elaborate results.

6. Satirical Reporting & Inventions

Road Painting/Transylvania Bit – [25:40 - 27:22]:

• Wade and Bob engage in a parody news segment about bizarre, zigzagging road lines in “Pennsylvania,” with Bob as “Drac Ulysses La.”

  "It's actually pronounced Drac... Oh, man."
  – Bob ([27:04])

Clown Plane Revenge Fantasy – [28:09 - 29:45]:

• When asked how he’d handle a plane situation, Wade creates an escalating scenario involving blood, hair, hazmat, and shooting at the sky to "kill God."

  “I would probably go get like the longest range weapon I could find and shoot at the sky nonstop with it, hoping to kill God because this is his fault. Like, he did this.”
  – Wade ([28:31])

Live Reports from Lowe’s Display Shed – [43:12 - 44:10]:

• Wade “interviews” a naked, Vaseline-smeared fugitive.

  "This was a very slippery interview. This guy kept getting out of my fingers, despite how hard I tried to grasp him..."
  – Wade ([43:24])

7. Notable Word Play & Game Riffs

Deep Fried Ruth Chain – [15:56 - 16:41]:

• Mark, Bob, and Wade escalate rhyming puns to increasingly absurd iterations (slob, throb, glob, guab, etc.)
• "You mob can't handle deep fried Ruth."
  – Wade ([15:24])

Houston Chains – [40:37 - 42:46]:

• Rapid-fire, ever-changing riffs from “Houston, we have a problem” to “fig juice box Newton trace elements problem.”
  • "Houston, we have a fig Juice box Newton trace element problem."
    – Wade ([41:49])

Memorable Quotes

• Wade (on pets):
  "You're gonna gel up your fingers and shove them up Fido's ass." ([10:52])

• Mark (on hypocrisy):
  "VPN signups skyrocket in face of porn bans in specifically red states. If you didn't know, hypocrisy abound." ([08:03])

• Wade (on religious fanaticism):
  "Our blood is the key with the soil. To be nutrientized, to be dapiotized, to feel something again." ([24:01])

• Bob (as “Drac Ulysses La”):
  "Paint prices have gone up dramatically since the roads have been paved in such a way..." ([27:04])

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment Description | Timestamp | |--------------------------------------------------------|---------------| | Bob’s lullaby for Wade | 03:30 – 04:47 | | Generational boiling egg explanations | 06:09 – 07:48 | | Animal noises/impressions games | Various: 05:18; 13:00; 19:55; 36:04 | | Gollum/Smeagol imitation bit | 21:15 – 21:44 | | Pet ownership rant | 10:44 – 12:34 | | Coffee rant | 30:51 – 32:35 | | Road painting/Transylvania news parody | 25:40 – 27:22 | | Clown revenge/fantasy plane scenario | 28:09 – 29:45 | | Lowe’s display shed, Vaseline fugitive parody | 43:12 – 44:10 | | Houston wordplay riff | 40:37 – 42:46 |

Why Listen?

This episode is Wade chaos incarnate: from bleakly funny lullabies to fever-pitch rants about pets, coffee, and bodily functions. Whether lampooning news reports or losing his mind in a word-play spiral, Wade’s unpredictability—and Mark and Bob’s encouragement—make this a laugh-out-loud, highlight-packed tour of Distractible’s best comedic fireworks.

Listen for:

• Unhinged character bits and improvised news segments
• Wade’s unfiltered opinions (and specific anatomical complaints)
• Spiraling word games and wild, escalating bits
• Absurdist group chemistry—a masterclass in comedic escalation

For fans and first-timers alike, these highlights are a perfect crash course in Wade’s singular comedic style and the friends’ equally singular dynamic.