Bob's Top 5 (#2 Will Shock You!)

Summary

Distractible – "Bob’s Top 5 (#2 Will Shock You!)"

Date: November 14, 2025
Hosts: Bob Muyskens (host), Mark Fischbach, Wade Barnes

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Episode Overview

In this lively and unpredictable episode, Bob takes over hosting duties with a deceptively simple game centered on “fun facts” — but, as always on Distractible, chaos quickly ensues. Mark and Wade compete to best match Bob’s personal ranking of five hand-picked, quirky science facts. Along the way, the trio share stories about grief, nostalgia, multiplayer betrayals, and the ongoing absurdity of their podcast’s game rules and scoring system. A constitutional crisis (of podcast rules) emerges by episode’s end, resulting in the listeners themselves being declared the winner — with everyone else joyously roasting each other in the process.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening Catch-up: Life Updates and Nostalgia

• Mark reflects on the anniversary of Unus Annus and the recent loss of his beloved dog, Henry.
  • “This week is also the fifth anniversary of Unus Annus.” (05:40)
  • Mark shares how Chica (his dog) and Henry were part of his life for nearly a decade, expressing the emotional impact.
• Wade is surprised to realize Mark and Amy have been together for a decade.
  • “The fact that you and Amy have been together for a decade blew my mind.” (07:57)

2. Videogames, Friendships & Betrayal Stories (Arc Raiders)

• The hosts discuss recent multiplayer experiences, focusing on Arc Raiders.
  • Wade recounts tense standoffs and betrayals in the game’s “olive grove,” emphasizing the unpredictable mix of friendliness and treachery in PvP (Player vs. Player) interactions.

    “One guy runs over to us... he’s like, ‘Hey, those people over there, do not trust that group. They said they were cool, and then they weren’t.’” (13:01)

  • Memorable moment:
    • Wade narrates the saga of a conniving player trying (and failing) to turn other teams against Wade’s group by lying about an attempted betrayal. The other players side with Wade, leaving the liar to die alone:

      “He was selling so hard every story, and no one believed him... then he just died. And we kept looting our olives.” (14:38)

3. Bob’s Game: Rank the Fun Facts

• Game Structure:
  • Bob handpicks five “fun science facts” and secretly ranks them 1 through 5 by personal interest. Mark and Wade must attempt to guess his order; points are (pseudo)scientifically awarded based on how closely they match his choices.
• The Five Facts:
  • 1. A rainbow on Venus is called a ‘glory’ (17:03)
  • 2. Neon tetra fish form orderly queues to escape emergencies (19:55)
  • 3. Water might not be wet from a scientific perspective (21:15)
  • 4. Giraffes are 30 times more likely than humans to be struck by lightning (24:01)
  • 5. The average color of the universe is ‘cosmic latte’ (28:39)
• The hosts riff, banter, and digress on each fact, debating the merits and the absurdity of each (see “Notable Quotes” below).

4. Ranking Reveal & Scoring Chaos

• Each host reveals their list and justifies their rankings:
  • Wade’s top pick: Venus glory hole (“You guys will never guess — the Venus glory hole.” 32:15)
  • Mark’s top pick: Fish forming orderly queues, fascinated by the research setup.
• Bob’s actual ranking:
  1. Cosmic latte
  2. Fish forming queues
  3. Giraffes/lightning
  4. Venus glory
  5. Water isn’t wet
  • Mark and Wade’s lists both diverge from Bob’s, leading to a complicated, point-subtraction-based score.
  • This lands Wade with 0 points, Mark with -1, and the listeners (via the wheel spin) with 1.

5. Spinning the Wheel of Chaos

• To add more unpredictability, three bonus “wheel” spins are conducted:
  • 1. “Monkey’s paw curls” — something bad happens, no effect on the game. (40:03)
  • 2. “Point for listeners” — suddenly, the listeners take the lead. (40:45)
  • 3. “Most callbacks” — Mark is given a point for callbacks, but not enough to win.
• Constitutional crisis: Bob is forced to admit that, since listeners can’t give a winner’s speech, Wade (as the "vice president of losing") must host the next episode anyway — but the episode is officially recorded as a “listener victory.” (42:12–43:12)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• Mark, reflecting on Unus Annus and Henry:

  “You never know how it was gonna be, and then we’re just gotta plow through no matter what.” (05:59)

• Wade on Arc Raiders PvP Betrayal:

  “He was selling so hard every story, and no one believed him... then he just died. And we kept looting our olives.” (14:38)

• Bob, introducing his game:

  “I found this list, and almost none of them blew my mind. But I did find five fun facts I thought were interesting enough that I was like, ‘Cool.’” (15:54)

• Bob, on water not being wet (“the worst fact”):

  “It’s a fun fact—wait, it’s a philosophical discussion, but a bad one.” (23:43)

• Mark, on the average color of the universe:

  “Who cares?... I’ve called you all to this meeting to declare—[everyone leaves, not even a clap].” (32:39, 33:01)

• Wheel spin causes listeners to win:

  Bob: “I hereby grant the listeners a win... that win will be documented for posterity, and their title as winner of this episode is immediately vacated…” (42:03)

• Wade’s mock winner’s speech for the listeners:

  “Any viewers who disagree with this win can suck it because they’ve never won. So yay to us, the listeners.” (45:52)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 05:40 – Mark discusses Unus Annus anniversary and Henry’s passing
• 09:10 – Call of Duty joke & new games chatter
• 13:01–14:40 – Wade tells the Arc Raiders “olive grove” betrayal story
• 15:54 – Bob introduces game: ranking fun facts
• 17:03–31:05 – Bob presents the five fun facts
• 32:15–34:53 – Mark and Wade give their rankings
• 36:42–38:56 – Bob reveals scores and scoring system
• 40:03–41:07 – The Wheel spins, listeners surge ahead
• 42:03–43:12 – Listeners declared winner, rules crisis
• 45:09–45:52 – Wade delivers the listeners’ “winner” speech
• 46:20–47:43 – Bob closes the episode, admits to the “constitutional crisis”

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Tone & Language

• Playfully combative and irreverent. The trio riff off each other’s comments, feigning outrage and celebrating their own logic (however nonsensical).
• Casual, self-deprecating banter. Frequent in-jokes about rules, points, and recurring podcast bits.
• Fans will recognize the signature Distractible style: structured chaos, rapid-fire digressions, random wheel spins, and an ongoing meta-commentary on their own (often arbitrary) rules.

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Episode Takeaways

• The episode is a classic embodiment of Distractible chaos: a simple game derails into an earnest debate about rainbows, fish evacuation etiquette, and cosmic colors; a wheel of fortune accidentally transfers podcast control to the listeners.
• Memorable moments include the story of betrayal in Arc Raiders, the hosts’ creative exasperation with the “water isn’t wet” debate, and the hilariously nonsensical constitutional crisis over winner selection.
• If you want a glimpse into the playful, nerdy, and meta-humor that makes Distractible unique, this is an excellent episode.

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Transcript

[Mark]

This episode is brought to you by Facebook. The holidays bring people home. Facebook brings people together. From spontaneous messages that lead to overdue catch ups, to finding new communities and friends to go on tangents with. Like in your favorite podcast Facebook group on Facebook, a little connection goes a long way, especially the night before Thanksgiving.

[Wade]

Facebook is the only way I keep track of like a lot of my family members around the holidays. We're all like nostalgic and remembering like the time that we could all fit under while. And so we all reach out like, oh, have these stories and such, which is actually really, really nice.

[Bob]

But you know, it's even better than that things. Facebook Marketplace is my favorite, but it's even more fun when I have to go visit my stupid parents around the holidays and I can pull up Facebook Marketplace and see what's for sale around their house.

[Wade]

I caught up with a friend I hadn't talked to.

[Mark]

What'd you buy?

[Wade]

A few moments of their time.

[Mark]

You had to pay for that. Lame. Let's reconnect this holiday season with.

[Bob]

This episode is brought to you by Panda Express. If someone wanted to tell me that they love me, all they would need to do is get me some honey walnut shrimp from Panda Express. The message would not be lost in translation. In fact, I might even rather have honey walnut shrimp than words from an actual human mouth hole. If you're trying to get a message to me, honey walnut shrimp, however you want to say it, say it with delicious, authentically cooked American Chinese cuisine from Panda Express. Have you eaten yet? Order now or visit the Panda Express near you.

[Wade]

This episode is brought to you by Welch's Fusions, the newest drop from Welch's Fruit Snacks. We've got to warn you about the consequences of eating Welch's Fusions. It's like three dudes hanging out on a rooftop talking about the future.

[Mark]

Three dudes hanging out on a rooftop installing solar panels to provide a sustainable future.

[Bob]

Three dudes on a roof installing solar panels so that they can power their computers and record their brilliant idea for a podcast.

[Mark]

Pretty awesome consequences if you ask me. New Welch's Fusions are so good. Each one is a combination of two fruity flavors in one juicy bite. One flavor on the outside, another on the inside.

[Wade]

It's an unbelievable taste sensation. So they are recommended for experienced taste buds only. You've been warned. New Welch's Fusions, please use responsibly.

[Mark]

This episode of Distractable is presented BY T mobile 5D home Internet. Okay, how do you guys know when someone's really your friend?

[Bob]

I don't know.

[Wade]

I don't know.

[Bob]

But I do know that T mobile 5G home Internet's got your back with their fast speeds, easy 15 minute setup, a price for any budget and 5 year price guarantee. Visit t mobile.com home Internet to check availability. Guarantees monthly price of fixed wireless 5G Internet data exclusions like taxes and fees apply.

[Mark]

Guarantees monthly price of fixed wireless 5D Internet data exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Service delivered via 5G network speeds very new to factor affecting cellular networks guarantee exclusions.

[Narrator]

Detail@t mobile.com homeinternet Good evening Gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable. This episode. Beholden Bob calls cod, goes raiding then ranks fun science facts Microbial Mark mourns man's best friend, poor Henry mentions moonbows, questions wetness, a metallic camelopodalis whitening. Wade upgrades his peen, blows away bushwhackers, sees glory holes and fears. Zeus bolts from humbling heaviness to cosmic latte.

[Bob]

Yes.

[Narrator]

It'S time for Bob's top five. Number two will shock you. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

[Bob]

Hello everybody and welcome back to your guinea pig's third favorite podcast. That's right, you're watching Distractible. And if you're listening, this intro is not for you because we all know that you're the, you're the real heroes here. Hey listeners, how you doing? Thanks so much for listening. I really appreciate you. I'm your host for this episode. My name is Bob. I've done this before. Even though it from my performance, you might question whether that's true. I have, I promise I have. I have won previous episodes. It is me, former winner Bob, and joined today by my co host, slash competitors, just like always, Mark and Wade.

[Mark]

Hi, I'm Mark.

[Wade]

Howdy Doody.

[Bob]

Wade's the one that said doody. If you've never seen the show before, the way this works is I am the host and I have like a game topic and I'm gonna give out points and then these two guys are trying to get points or not get points because we've had a lot of golf rules for how hard it is to do golf rules on this show. We've had a lot of golf rules coming out lately. This episode, my plan is for the highest number of points to win, but we'll see what the wheel has to say about that and then whoever wins host the next one. That's the whole thing. The points are very strictly calculated. It's basically science. This is basically an Experiment. It's tightly controlled, and, yeah, you'll see, once we get going, how it works. It's very, very carefully planned out. It's very thoughtful, and the points are very important. And the winner is a meaningful choice at the end because it's science. But anyway, before we get into the game, that I have planned. How you guys doing? Hey, Ben.

[Mark]

Got sad small talk. You want that? You want to kick this off with some depressing discussions?

[Bob]

I'm here. I'm here to talk about whatever you want, man.

[Mark]

No, I mean, I'm gonna talk about more later, unfortunately. Actually. Fortunately or unfortunately, I'm not sure which way to go about it, but this week is also the fifth anniversary of Unus Annus.

[Bob]

Oh, wow.

[Mark]

So we've had to plan that. And it's.

[Bob]

What's.

[Mark]

What's interesting about it is, like, we at first was like, holy shit, this is a whole bunch to deal with right now with Henry in the movie and all of it sprinting and having to stop and all these things, and then Unus Annus being like, oh, shit, we gotta do that. But it reminded us very much about doing Unus Annus or maybe Miam. I might be putting thoughts into their minds, but it's. I was. I was thinking about it a lot and just kind of, oh, we did this when Covid happened. And in the moment, it's like, you know, you never know how it was gonna be, and then we're gonna just gotta plow through no matter what. And then we. We finish it with.

[Wade]

So we.

[Mark]

By the time people have seen this, they've already seen what we did. So we had planned it for a while, and then we did it, and it was great. But it's like right now when I'm recording this, we haven't done it yet. So I'm hoping that everything I'm saying is true.

[Wade]

So it's gonna be great.

[Bob]

This is gonna be so funny when someone is like, oh, wait, can we put. Oh, no, can we do it then next week?

[Mark]

Wait, sorry, but it's been a time.

[Bob]

No, man. That's crazy, though. Five. So five years ago it started. Yeah. November of 2020 would have been when it ended. Right. Because you guys started in November of 2019, right before everything bad happened in the pandemic.

[Mark]

Yeah. So it's. It's technically been six years since we started it. Five years since its death. And so we have kind of had a loose plan, but then all the plans are. You kind of get to the point where you're like, oh, shit, we gotta execute upon the plan. How do we do this? So, ye. It's. It's been. It's been a time. Lot of stuff going on, lots of things happening, and then the emotional burden of, you know, losing Henry has been pretty tough, but the work's been distracting. And we've. We've been moving forward from that. You know, not a lot of people realize, like, I've had Chica for nine years. We've had Henry for seven.

[Bob]

Oh, really?

[Mark]

Henry's been there a lot longer than people think. But, yeah, so it was. It was real tough.

[Wade]

There've been a lot of those year realizations. Like whenever you guys had the wedding, the fact that you and Amy have been together for a decade blew my mind. I was like, no, it's been like. Read it. 7, 10. 10. 10's the number.

[Mark]

Actually, it'll be pretty close to having chica for 10. I got to look up when I got her. I should probably know that, but it's.

[Bob]

Been so long, it's easy to forget.

[Mark]

So I will have or will talk more about that, but with Amy, because, you know, I want to. I want to talk about Henry with Amy.

[Bob]

So that's so many things going on.

[Mark]

Yeah, yeah, it's a lot of things. But it's okay. We're managing. There's. There's other people here to help and. And this is nice to just get back into doing this.

[Bob]

How are you, Wade?

[Wade]

And what a time to segue to game of the year. Is it going to be our creators or Expedition 33? I know what Shroud says. Guys, I've got relevant conversation.

[Mark]

What does Shroud say? What does Shroud said?

[Wade]

Oh, single player.

[Bob]

Only.

[Wade]

Multiplayer should call of Duty 28 or Expedition 33. No, our creators.

[Bob]

On the day this episode comes out, the new Call of Duty. What Black Ops 7 comes out. Calling it now. That's Game of the Year.

[Wade]

If they'd given us an ad read, maybe. But they didn't.

[Bob]

So all streamers are going to conclude together. Call of Duty. Black Ops 7. Game that doesn't even exist yet. Instant game of the year. Instant classic. All you need is more warzone, baby. I have been playing a bit of arc raiders. It's very fun.

[Wade]

When I first started playing, I don't know if it was because I was in, like, the safer areas, but there was a lot of, like, friendly people. It was a PvP game where you'd run into people that were just like, hey, I'm.

[Bob]

Don't shoot.

[Wade]

I'm friendly. I'm just Listen, I'm just collecting flowers, just getting some flowers. And we were like, yeah, hey, we just need some olives and pears. Olives and pears. We're cool.

[Mark]

That's nice.

[Wade]

But the longer I've been playing, I've found more people that are just like, hey, we're friendly, but be careful. Those guys back there betrayed us. Oh, they'd overweight. We got you, loser. So we do have had a couple of those moments lately where people have pretended to be nice and then immediately betrayed Fun.

[Bob]

Fun. I love that in a game where you don't really gain very much by killing other players. You just do it for funs.

[Wade]

Typically they could have better loot on them because they've already been looting around, but.

[Bob]

But also you could potentially just get nothing and just. Anyway, I saw a bit that I really want to do in Arc Raiders. I saw this guy posting clips where he goes to the extracts and just stands out on top and is like, I will protect you, everyone. Come to my. I am the extract hero. And like his whole bit is just like the opposite of extract camping, where he's like, this is a safe one. Come here. And extract. And like, I want to be that guy because that's hilarious.

[Mark]

That is nice. That is nice. Is it kind of like rust in a way?

[Wade]

It's PvE. It's like rust when it first came out that had zombies.

[Bob]

Do you know enough about like Escape from Tarkov? Yeah, I think it's kind of like a more casual, less like military sim Tarkov. It's like third person and you don't have, you know, 90 types of ammo and all this bull. You have simplified like weapons and stuff. But the, the gameplay loop is there are robots on the map and it's PvE, but also you can PvP but you really don't have to. And like I've had experiences where I was in with. I was in a duo and we ran into another duo and we were like, well, we're cool, don't you? And then they were just like, let's go kill a big robot. And we went and found a big like walking spider leaper robot and we. That was the first time any of us had killed one. And then we extracted together. It was super cool. It's fun. But there's. There's been plenty of douchebags also who are just there to ruin your time and PvP. It's part of the game. I'm not going to be one of those people who's like, you shouldn't do it. I just don't care for it.

[Wade]

There's a map called Bluegate. In the center of Blue Gate, there's, like, an Olive Garden. It's not Olive Garden. What's it called? Olive Garden.

[Bob]

Olive Garden.

[Wade]

It's called Olive something. I don't know.

[Mark]

It's the place where your family.

[Bob]

Oh, are you thinking of Maggiano's Little Italy?

[Wade]

It might be Terazano's.

[Bob]

Oh, okay.

[Wade]

But no, there's, like, a little field of, like, trees where you go to get olives or apricots or lemons. It's just like a. Oh, you meant.

[Bob]

You meant that there's olive tree.

[Wade]

Yeah, but the place is actually called Olive something.

[Bob]

Olive Orchard. Olive Patch.

[Wade]

Blue Gate, Olive.

[Bob]

There's an Olive Garden.

[Wade]

Olive grove. Apparently it's called the olive grove. I thought it was called Olive Garden. My bad. They did have breadsticks when I was there. But anyway, we went to this olive grove. It's, like, central in the map. And in order to upgrade your. Which you have to do in this game. Sure.

[Bob]

Yep. You do want to do that.

[Wade]

What? Huh? What?

[Mark]

Say again?

[Wade]

What? You have to feed it, and at one point, you need apricots and lemons, and then later on you need olives and mushrooms and more apricot. Whatever. So a lot of the stuff you need is in this olive grove. And we went there, and five teams converged there at once. And everyone was pretty chill, except for one group, and we didn't really know what was happening. So we hear. We hear one group that's, like, fighting. We think they're fighting robots. And then one guy runs over to us. He's like, hey, those people over there do not trust that group. They said they were cool, and then they weren't. Okay, that's cool, man. We're just here to grab some olives. Yeah, yeah. It's what we were here for, too. But they went crazy for some reason. All right, well, we'll keep an eye out, but we're just gonna go loot. And then he kind of ran off, and we hear, like, him run back, and he's like, screaming. He's like, oh, God, look out. The leaper. Shoot it. Shoot it. And we're like, it's not even mad right now. Why would we shoot it? And so I'm going to loot something. Basically, the dude lied. He was trying to bait us into shooting the leaper so the robots would attack us so he could kill us and loot us. And then he tried that, and then another team came over after the dude tried to betray us, and we downed him. And then he told the team. He was like, hey, these guys aren't cool. These guys told me they were friendly.

[Mark]

They shot me.

[Wade]

And we're like, this dude came over here. Like, you guys can resume if you want. We're not dealing with him. No, he tried to betray us. He tried to get us to fight the Leaper, but the dude was. He was selling so hard every story, and no one believed him. So, like, all these teams kept converging. He was, like, crawling around on the ground like, hey, these guys betrayed me, and none of us were having it. They're like, we ran into them earlier. They were cool, man. We're not gonna screw with them. Oh, come on. And then he just died. And we kept looting our olives.

[Mark]

He just died?

[Wade]

Yeah, but he was really committed to the bit.

[Bob]

That's really funny.

[Wade]

Anyway, Arc Raiders, not game of the Year. Unless.

[Bob]

Unless Shroud says so.

[Wade]

This episode is brought to you by Uber. You know that feeling when someone shows up for you when you need it most? Yeah. We all need that sometimes. And Uber knows that. Uber isn't just a ride or a meal delivered. It's showing up no matter what.

[Mark]

I think that might be them knocking on the door. And because they're, you know, Uber's really good about getting them right to where you are. To them or the FBI, I'm not 100% sure.

[Bob]

Yep.

[Wade]

When it really matters, whatever it is, you show up or there's a will. We're on our way.

[Mark]

Uber.

[Wade]

On our way. Download the app today.

[Bob]

Yeah. Well, you guys want to play a little game?

[Mark]

Sure. Sure. Oh, should we make a disclaimer that we're trying to catch up on episodes? So the episodes for the next few episodes are going to be a little shorter than usual. We're just trying to make sure that we get back up and running without having to blow everything up.

[Bob]

Today's game is called 20 fast questions. Oh, no, no. I'm just fucking with you. I was originally going to call it that, but it's. I'm not doing that. No, this. This game, I found this list, and it's one of those lists of, like, oh, it's 158 fun facts that will blow your mind. And I started reading it, and almost none of them blew my mind. But I did find five fun facts that I thought were interesting enough that I was, like, cool. And so I made a list. I made a tier list. You could say I made a ranking one through five of These five fun facts, and I want you guys to see if you can match how I ranked them. We're going to talk about the fun facts real quick. And then you're just going to make your list so that there's five things. So it's one through five, one being the highest, five being the lowest. And we're just gonna talk about them. And then at the end, I will give your ranked list a score, and then that will be how we determine who wins.

[Mark]

Okay, so pretend I wasn't listening to the first half of that, the most important information. Pretend I wasn't wrestling with getting a cable off the ground.

[Wade]

Five things. Five things.

[Bob]

Five things.

[Wade]

5 things. 5 things.

[Mark]

Okay, 5 things.

[Bob]

I have a list, and they're ranked 1 through 5. 1 is good, 5 is less good. Okay, I'm gonna. We're gonna talk about them, and you guys are gonna rank them. That's the whole thing. At the end, I thought I have.

[Mark]

A system more in there.

[Bob]

No, no, I just. At the end, I have a system for. I'm gonna score your. Your lists. That's it. Fact number one, A rainbow on Venus is called a glory. I really wish it was on Uranus that was called a glory. But a rainbow on Venus, which is not the planet Uranus, is called a glory. Appearing as a series of colored concentric rings. These are caused by the interference of light waves within droplets rather than by reflection, refraction, and dispersion of light, which is how a rainbow is made on Earth. So they look similar because it basically breaks the light out into rainbow of colors. Breaks it out. And it looks like a rainbow kind of, but it's called a glory. That's pretty cool, right?

[Wade]

Yeah, yeah. I just got caught up in, you know how the rainbow is kind of like a bridge in design?

[Bob]

Sure, sure.

[Wade]

Is that a glory hole?

[Bob]

Well, an Earth rainbow is a glory bridge, but a Venus rainbow is a glory hole.

[Mark]

All rainbows are circles, but we only see part of it. That's why a moonbow, you can see a full circle.

[Bob]

Is that a thing?

[Wade]

Yeah. A moonbow?

[Bob]

Yeah.

[Mark]

You've never seen a moonbow?

[Wade]

I played Fran Bow back in the day.

[Mark]

That's good. Give him a point.

[Bob]

Okay.

[Wade]

I'm just here, man. Well, I was. I'll be right back.

[Bob]

All right.

[Mark]

If you see a moonbow, usually it's easier to see with a full moon. And if it's straight up in the sky, you can see a full halo around, which is like. When you think about the rainbow, it's not just a structure it's not just a bo. It's not just that it would continue if the Earth wasn't in the way.

[Bob]

What causes that on the Moon, though? Is it our atmosphere causing that? Yeah, because there's no atmosphere on the moon. Right.

[Mark]

So, yeah, it's the same thing. You need the same kind of similar scenario. You need, like, moisture in the atmosphere, but enough to not be blocked. And it can hit it. It's very pretty when it happens. Last time I saw it, I was up in Idlewild with Amy.

[Bob]

I've never seen that. That sounds really cool.

[Mark]

It is. It's very cool. Yeah, but you gotta. You could be out at night, you know? I don't know how many times you're out at night looking up at the moon.

[Bob]

I do. Honestly, I do that. I like having, like. I have a fire pit. You sit out, you have a fire, you look at. I'm in an area in Cincy where, like, it's pretty. There's a lot of light pollution, so I don't get, like, the best view of stuff. But, yeah, I do like looking at. When we used to go camping in Northern Michigan, going down by the water and just staring up at the sky because you could see satellites. If the ISS was, like, in the right location, you could see the ISS go overhead. It's very cool. I used to do it all the time. Never saw a moonbow. That's one of the five things. You have no reference right now, but could pick a spot for where you think that might be. But the next fun Wade's on here. Let's talk about it without him.

[Mark]

Okay.

[Bob]

The next fun fact is that fish form orderly cues in emergencies. Scientists have observed that schools of neon tetrafish, when evacuating through narrow passages in sketchy or otherwise, like, dangerous situations where they're trying to escape from something, they will form an organized queue so that they don't run into each other and clog up the little passageway. And they stay organized even while they're panicking and escaping until they're all escaped safely.

[Mark]

That is interesting. Are these all true?

[Bob]

I'm not gonna say I went and found all of the academic papers, but these are all purportedly true things. And I'm realizing now they're all generally kind of sciencey things, because I guess the only facts I find interesting are science facts.

[Wade]

Did we learn anything other than Uranus rainbows?

[Bob]

I don't know. You weren't here, so I had to.

[Wade]

Help someone who was lost.

[Mark]

Yeah. Okay.

[Wade]

Well, they were delivering my food.

[Bob]

Well, so we did the Venus rainbow, Venus glories, and then the one Mark and I just talked about. And now we're gonna do the third fact. Third fun fact. Did you know that water might not be wet? This is a philosophical one.

[Wade]

I've heard that.

[Bob]

Yeah. This is a scientific perspective on it. Most scientists would define wetness as a liquid's ability to maintain contact with a solid surface. So, like, a towel is wet because because of surface tension and other qualities of the towel, the water stays absorbed into it. Right. Connected to that solid surface. That means water is not a solid surface and water just is water. There is no water on water. Water is water. So water can't be wet then. If by this definition, from this perspective, potentially.

[Mark]

Yeah, I've heard this before too. And I think where this rubs people wrong is there's a generally accepted life experience with water that it. In almost every scenario where a human is interacting with water, makes things wet, feels wet, is generally wet. So for. It's, you know, it's like. It's like Pluto. You know, you're technically right, of course, but everyone's life experience had Pluto being the. The planet at the. Anyway, it's.

[Wade]

Can't get our nine pizzas without Pluto.

[Bob]

How is eight pizzas any worse than nine?

[Wade]

That's not how.

[Bob]

You. All right.

[Wade]

No. I think you broke a spark plug in my brain.

[Mark]

Yeah. So it's like they can be technically right all they want. It really won't change people's experience when dealing with water. They're not gonna go like, oh, don't worry. That water's not wet. Don't be afraid.

[Bob]

But it's not wet, Mark, because it's certainly not dry.

[Wade]

Water needs to be wet.

[Bob]

Just because it makes you wet doesn't mean that the water is wet.

[Mark]

But would it be considered dry then? If it's not wet, is it dry?

[Bob]

The water is dry until it interacts with a solid surface, but then the water is still dry. What's it? This is the question. We need to come up with a definition for when water has physical objects in it. The water makes things wet. What do things make? Water.

[Wade]

Ah, one of my spark plugs.

[Bob]

Oh, no, no.

[Mark]

You did.

[Bob]

Oh, we're losing so many spark plugs on this one.

[Mark]

Come on. This is a terrible fact.

[Wade]

I hate this.

[Bob]

I love this. It's a fun fact. Wait, it's a philosophical discussion, but a bad one.

[Wade]

Listen, there's bad philosophy.

[Bob]

There's no such thing. Well, I'm not gonna say that. All right, Fun fact number four. Did you know, giraffes are 30 times more likely to, to get hit by lightning than human people.

[Mark]

Makes sense.

[Bob]

While there are only five actual well documented fatal lightning strikes on giraffes between 1996 and 2010, due to the population of giraffes being just 140,000 during that time frame, roughly, that makes it about 0.003 lightning deaths per thousand giraffes each year, which is 30 times more than than the fatality rate for human beings. Is it because they're tall? Probably right.

[Mark]

Yeah. I thought you were going to bait and switch us. Like it's not because they're tall.

[Bob]

Giraffes live primarily in like deserts, I believe, where there isn't stuff. If giraffes lived in a city where there are, you know, 10 plus story buildings all over, I don't know if their height difference between them and humans really does much, but they live in a world where they're the tallest thing for a long time, for miles around most a lot of the time.

[Wade]

Don't they live in savannahs?

[Bob]

They don't live in Georgia, Wade. Oh, because. Never mind. Is it, is it savannahs? I mean, are, am I still correct though? There's not like a lot of like tall forests and stuff right there?

[Wade]

No, no. They're very open. There's not a lot of trees. Yeah.

[Mark]

Relatively arid, I think. Not necessarily jungle, although I suppose it could. I don't know if anything stopping them.

[Bob]

Yeah, I have no idea what the actual defined habitat of a giraffe is. It could be include jungles or things, but.

[Wade]

Oh, they live in Chad. No, from Chad to north South Africa.

[Mark]

What's annoying is the places where there's color where they are. They cover the name of that country. I don't know my geography.

[Wade]

This is useless.

[Bob]

You got to find another map map of words and then compare map of giraffes to map of words. Anyway, I do think there's some, there's some bias in that because giraffes live in a place where they're easily the tallest thing. And humans, Humans are never the tallest thing. The world that we've created. Even if it's like a nomadic people humans live in, you know, I believe in Mongolia, they live in these big like traveling like yurt things where they, you know, there are, there are societies where they're nomadic and they travel, but they still live in a structure that they erect that's way taller than people.

[Wade]

Are savannas and woodlands, usually in like grasslands south and western Africa.

[Bob]

My other theory Was that giraffes might be partially made of metal. Maybe in 1987, all giraffes were replaced by the government, and it's actually a conspiracy.

[Wade]

Really good iron intake in those leaves.

[Mark]

Which government?

[Bob]

The government. The world government, Mark.

[Mark]

The world government. Okay, all right.

[Bob]

Okay. Obviously the one run by the lobster people.

[Mark]

Maybe something they're doing is generating static electricity.

[Bob]

I don't know why. I just imagine all the giraffes, like, shuffling their feet. Like, giraffes don't pick their. They're all just like. And they're always really, really zappy because they shuffle around a lot.

[Wade]

Is that why, like, the fur on their neck stands up? It's the static.

[Mark]

Does it?

[Bob]

Probably.

[Wade]

I don't know.

[Mark]

Well, they do have those two protruding things. It's very lightning rod esque.

[Bob]

Oh, that's true. Maybe that's some sort of alien technology.

[Mark]

Maybe they once upon a time were able to cast lightning, like, channel it from their horns and zap it out, like, to kill their prey. The great predators giraffe.

[Bob]

Well, they were such great predators that they killed all the prey, and now they're vegetarians because they ran out of stuff and the things to eat. Okay.

[Wade]

If I was walking next to Mark and it was thunder and lightning, I would feel more in danger than I would think Mark would be, because I'm closer to the lightning strike.

[Bob]

Closer to God, closer to death.

[Wade]

So maybe the giraffes, Maybe it is the height thing because their heads are always in those very conductive branches if they're wet. Stop it, Bob.

[Mark]

This British is coming out all over the place, man.

[Bob]

He's just leaking accents today.

[Wade]

No, his wet comment made me mad because all the water won.

[Bob]

Was that a. Was that an always sunny reference or is that not a thing?

[Wade]

I've not seen that there's.

[Bob]

Okay, there's a scene in that show where, oh, Charlie Day's character is doing something completely insane. And then the. The other guy just goes in a voice that's not his normal voice at all, goes, stop it, Charlie. It is really fucking weird and out of pocket. I guess that's just a funny thing funny guys do. I guess you're just funny in that way.

[Wade]

Thank you.

[Bob]

All right, this is the last fact.

[Wade]

Oh, second to last, right?

[Bob]

Nope. Then you'll all have to rank all these facts we've been talking about this whole time. The universe has an average color. We all know how Mark likes to do math with colors and how hilarious it is when we have to compare the color of our Shirt to the color of our backgrounds.

[Mark]

I love it. You know I love it.

[Bob]

Astronomers have found that the light coming from galaxies averages out into an off white color that they have decided to call cosmic latte. The color of the universe is cosmic latte.

[Mark]

Okay. So they decided this based on the average wavelength of light.

[Bob]

This is the average wavelength of emitted light as far as we can observe.

[Mark]

Again, this is one of those things where it's like, this is very similar to the water is wet situation because a thing's color is based on its reflected light, Right?

[Bob]

Sure.

[Mark]

But in the universe, most of it is nothing. So you would, you would have to base it on the number of reflective surfaces as opposed to anything. But maybe that is majority.

[Narrator]

I don't know.

[Bob]

I have to, I have to assume that they remove the empty parts, Right. Like, this was clear. They, they, they got rid of the outliers, which would include anything where there's nothing that they can sense. Like the black parts of the, of the sky are not black light. They're just. No, no light to be observed. I feel like this has to be an average of what they're like. Things that are actually bouncing light towards whatever sensors, telescopes, whatever they're using.

[Wade]

I suppose cosmic latte is just cream.

[Bob]

Yeah, it is. It sounds really cool. Like if you, if someone was like, what color is cosmic latte? In my head, I would imagine all sorts of stuff. It's just like beige.

[Wade]

It's literally like that thing your grandparents that they've had for 40 years that was painted white originally, but it's faded and old and gross looking now.

[Bob]

Yeah. Well, so listen, the reality of what the color is doesn't need to spoil the fact that it's called. I just like that. It's called cosmic latte. I think that's really funny. I think that's a good color. I want to paint my house cosmic latte because then I can tell this very boring story to everyone who comes over to my house. Don't yawn at me.

[Mark]

Sorry. Just so bored.

[Bob]

All right, now that we've all, all of us have talked about all five of these insanely fun facts.

[Wade]

Yeah, I've got them ranked. Yeah.

[Bob]

You're done. Oh, done.

[Wade]

Yeah.

[Mark]

Wait, is five the least interesting?

[Bob]

Yeah, yeah. One is the top. The most interesting to decide because I, I already said that a bunch of times.

[Wade]

Exactly. So we should have repeated it again. We'll repeat for Mark.

[Bob]

Yeah, well, he didn't leave. He just doesn't listen. That's different.

[Wade]

I had to. My food was lost and there's nothing I care about more in life than food. Well, that might be true. Damn, I don't know.

[Bob]

I'll text Smolly real quick.

[Wade]

Food's kind of important. All that. I tell her. I'd like to think the same is true for her.

[Bob]

All right. Well, Wade, if yours is ready. Mark is still figuring. What is your list, Wade?

[Wade]

All right, 1 to 5 or 5 to 1? Which one do you want me going?

[Bob]

Go 5 to 1. Let's make it fun.

[Wade]

Number five, water isn't wet.

[Mark]

All right.

[Wade]

Four, universe. Average color is cosmic latte.

[Bob]

All right.

[Wade]

Number three. Dunno, wasn't here for it. Number two, giraffes are 30 times more likely to get hit by lightning.

[Bob]

All right, number one.

[Wade]

You guys will never guess the Venus glory hole.

[Bob]

All right.

[Wade]

What a beautiful list.

[Mark]

Well, don't say anything until you hear my list. Okay? Well, I didn't boo your list.

[Wade]

You probably weren't listening to it.

[Mark]

I wasn't, actually, I don't remember. I remember what you started with because you had number four. What? My number five is. So number five for me is cosmic latte.

[Bob]

Because number five is cosmic latte. Got it.

[Mark]

Because who cares?

[Wade]

Who fucking cares?

[Bob]

Why did that even make my list? You're right.

[Mark]

Yeah. That's. Something aside, it was like, I've called you all to this meeting to declare.

[Wade]

Everyone leaves, not even a clap.

[Mark]

So that's. I don't give a shit. I thought that the next one would be water might not be wet, but it's not. Because I'm basing this on what makes me ask more questions or what leads to further queries or stuff like that. And giraffes more likely to strike by lightning just as like, huh. Yeah, they're tall. That makes sense.

[Bob]

Really?

[Wade]

That goes to say.

[Bob]

What the. So that's.

[Mark]

I've called you onto this meeting. I've deduced just years of research. I've discovered that giraffes are more likely to be struck by lighting. And everyone would be like, ah. And then leave. You know, the TED Talk that is these things.

[Bob]

Sure, sure.

[Mark]

So in third, it's water might not be wet. Because people would get. You'd get a response after they've declared water might not be.

[Wade]

Because every.

[Mark]

The audience would be like, bo.

[Bob]

Why'D.

[Mark]

You waste your grant money on this? Then they'd leave.

[Wade]

Right?

[Bob]

Okay. Okay.

[Mark]

Number two is actually. Rainbow on Venus is called the Glory. Because I think that that's cool. It's interesting. It's a totally different way to get a rainbow.

[Wade]

You Put that at number one.

[Mark]

No, that's number two.

[Wade]

No, I know, but you put that at number one.

[Mark]

Yeah, I did. And I'll tell you.

[Wade]

Unbelievable. That's clearly a number three.

[Mark]

You get, you get the, the, the. You get the question of, like, oh, that's cool. There's a different way to make a rainbow, but with fish. This TED talk was going to be fascinating because this guy has to start with how he put these fish in emergency situations. What fire did he light in that fish tank to get them to do a fire drill? How did they.

[Bob]

Why was.

[Mark]

How many fish didn't make it out.

[Wade]

Of the exit in the orderly queue? Like, what was the emergency?

[Mark]

I have so many questions, like, what is the behavior that causes him to form an orderly queue? What defines an orderly queue? One fish at another strength, stretched out. Do they loop? Do they have turnstiles? Do they have the winding cues like in a theme park? I have so many questions. I believe that that would be a very interesting TED Talk. And whoever did this research has got to be an interesting person. They would make that TED Talk entertaining.

[Bob]

When the fire starts in the aquarium, these fish get out the stanchions and know how. Know how to set up DSA line that wraps efficiently.

[Wade]

No, that's clearly a number three. That's what I was thinking this whole time.

[Bob]

All right, hang on. Just doing some final math here.

[Wade]

Mark, you put up a good fight.

[Mark]

Thank you.

[Wade]

You're welcome.

[Bob]

The way that I scored this, which I'm sure by explaining this, I will make someone really angry and they'll tell me why this is a terrible scoring system, is that for each ranking that you did, I basically subtracted a point for each spot away from my rank that you were. So I have a whole. I have some math on the page.

[Mark]

I think our cosmic latte is gonna cost us.

[Wade]

Not knowing that fish were doing fire drills might kill me.

[Bob]

I will say I had cosmic latte at number one purely because I really like that the name is so interesting sounding and the fact is so fucking stupid. I think that's really funny. It's not a fun fact because of the fact. It's a fun fact because you know that those scientists were like, we have the perfect name. Cosmic. Cosmic Latte. But. And that's the only interesting thought they've ever had. But it's really funny. So, yeah, that one's gonna Cause that one stirred it up a little bit.

[Wade]

Mark, I like your list more than that.

[Bob]

Thanks.

[Wade]

Thank you.

[Mark]

He's a fool.

[Bob]

Yeah. Well, look, we all had our Own reasons. And only one of us gets to give points. Mark, you got points for Fifthus Honus being a busy boy. Explain to me what a moonbow was allowing for me that I was technically correct, even though that's stupid and zappy. Giraffes. Wade, you earned points for promoting Shroud, encountering that bad liar in Arc Raiders, having played Fran Bow. Because Mark said I should give you a point for that. This is why we can't get. Or we can't get our nine pizzas without Pluto. And then the subsequent head explosion when I said eight is just as good. Yeah, and saying stop it, Bob, or whatever the fuck you said. Yeah, whatever. And then for the lists, mark, you lost 10 points.

[Wade]

Jesus.

[Bob]

My list. My list was cosmic latte fish or forming cues. Giraffes are 30 times more likely to get struck by lightning. Rainbow on Venus is called a glory, and water might not be wet. Uh, so mark, you lost 10 points. Based on my math, I have only.

[Mark]

A potential of 11 lost points from that.

[Bob]

Yeah, you could have bad.

[Mark]

Did I fucking.

[Bob]

You could have done better. Oh, no, Wade, you lost eight points making the final score. Wade with zero and Mark with negative two.

[Mark]

Actually, I did my math right. There's only a potential 10. I did the exact words.

[Bob]

Yeah, well, I. I don't know. This will help anyone who's out there listening or watching, but I had. So the way I kept track of this is I had mine 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. And then Marks was 2, 4, 5, 3, 1. You pretty much optimized it to lose the maximum amount of points that you could. Wade saving grace was that he got that water might not be wet. Was the. Was the least interesting fact on that 1. He lost 0 points for the fact that water might not be wet. Oh, that's good.

[Wade]

It's so awful. What a horrible waste of life someone did to come up with that idea.

[Mark]

It's not over yet.

[Bob]

It's not over till it's over.

[Wade]

No. Golf rules are still in play.

[Bob]

I mean, honestly, Mark's only down by two.

[Mark]

Like, that's a totally. I've done it before.

[Wade]

Now the wheel's only gonna give us one today.

[Bob]

How many bonus spins shall we have? I'd put my money on three, based on the way this wheel operates.

[Mark]

Oh, and you know it's gonna be three.

[Bob]

Three, baby.

[Wade]

I'll take three more points.

[Bob]

Oh, I have to add a thing to the wheel. As prepared as I was for this, I did not. Is Is funnest fact and an absolute or a thing on Here.

[Wade]

I don't think so.

[Mark]

Yeah, no, that's. That's actually a good one. I feel like most of us could bring a fun fact.

[Bob]

Funnest fact. All right. We currently have 76 wheel options. Apparently, it now supports up to 2000 plus. So this wheel will last us for quite some time. And we have three spins. Spin number one is monkey's paw curls. Oh, what was that one? Was that that? We increased the percentage on the One man show.

[Wade]

I thought that was actually called that.

[Mark]

Yeah, there's something that's actually called that. I think that just means something terrible happens somewhere in the world.

[Bob]

Oh, that's it. We're just cashing that in. The monkey's paw curls. Something bad happened. Got it.

[Mark]

I believe that was the. But we don't know if. If we're wrong about that subreddit, correct us. If we're right, we're sorry.

[Wade]

Either way, we're sorry.

[Bob]

I'm sure it wasn't that bad. I'm sure it wasn't that bad. I am going to click disable this option on the next spin to appease. To appease the subreddit. Spin number two point point for listeners.

[Wade]

Oh, man. Mark, your chances are on life support.

[Mark]

Yeah, it could be. You never know.

[Wade]

I'm a little scared that something terrible's about to happen to me.

[Bob]

Wait, I didn't think this through. Listeners currently have one point.

[Wade]

Oh.

[Bob]

Wade currently has zero points. And Mark currently has negative two points.

[Mark]

Oh, fuck.

[Wade]

Well, the rules are. What the rules are.

[Bob]

I'm not sure.

[Wade]

Better hope for golf rules. All right.

[Bob]

Yeah, we might have to. We might have to pause that one anyway. Spin number three. Save us.

[Wade]

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

[Bob]

Most callbacks. Mark did a callback because Wade did the. My spark plug broke. And then Mark's spark plug broke.

[Mark]

That is true. But it could not be true.

[Bob]

Wait, did you do callbacks?

[Mark]

Nope.

[Wade]

I don't think so.

[Bob]

All right, guys, I have a solution.

[Wade]

We just let the listeners win.

[Mark]

We just cancel the podcast.

[Wade]

Just give them the W, man. Just give them the W. I have.

[Bob]

An even better solution than that. The final score is listeners with one point, Wade with zero points, Mark with negative two points.

[Wade]

Negative one. Right, because he got the.

[Bob]

Oh, negative one. That's right. That's right. Very close. As is required by our constitution, I hereby grant the listeners a win. As the listeners cannot give a winner's speech, and thus the speech portion of the show cannot commence. That win will be documented for posterity, and their title as winner of this episode is immediately Vacated for the next person who is present and able to. To give a winner speech. Because the way the Constitution works is I'm the host until the speeches happen and I declare the winner, and then I give up my powers, so I'm still the host, so I'm God. Also, I hate the listeners. So you congratulation, listeners, you get one documented victory of this podcast. That's not enough to win the trophy that everyone that we get at the end of the season that totally exists, and we've definitely done and beat me this year. And what actually happens is Wade wins this episode as it's like you're the vice president, and the president died right after he said the last word of the inauguration.

[Wade]

I was thinking more like the winner was caught doping, and so I win because they get disqualified. But I guess that works, too.

[Bob]

Oh, it's like. It's like drag racing. You lost to the listeners, but then the listeners hit the scales on the way back to the pit, and they were 12 pounds underweight, so they're DQ'd. Wade is the champion. Mark loses either way, but problem elegantly solved.

[Mark]

There will be a row in the subreddit, I imagine, or a column. There's gonna be some spreadsheets, typing.

[Bob]

Trust me, for everyone who keeps track of how many wins. Everyone. The listeners have a win.

[Wade]

Do I get a win from this?

[Bob]

I mean, technically. Well, maybe I would say no. Technically, you did not win. Technically, you assumed the host position, so you. You assume the position of the winner, but the listeners actually got the win. So this is like a. There's like a weird, you know, like constitutional law ring around the rosie of nonsense just to make the system work, because otherwise everything falls to shambles. Man, imagine the Constitution that we didn't think through, and the episode idea that I only thought through for 15 minutes gave us so much chaos. I can't believe it always does. All right, well, Mark, give us a loser speech.

[Mark]

I. I lost. I'm right there with the viewers. Now. I know how you feel today, and you know how I feel today. But more importantly, we both know how Wade feels today. For the first time, there will be two losers speech, and that is a tragedy that we will never live down.

[Wade]

Constitution says there has to be a winner speech.

[Bob]

Wade, you will give the winner's speech on behalf of the listeners. You are not a winner, but you are accepting the Daytime Emmy on their behalf. So you do get to speak at the podium. You're a loser, but pretend like you're a winner.

[Wade]

Well, it's an Honor to be here with you two today. I'm here on behalf of the listeners who couldn't make an appearance, but they wanted me to say a few things, such as, this has been a long time coming. There's been a lot of ridicule toward the listeners. Viewers have always gotten preference. We push everyone to watch. We do visual bits, but there's never been audio. Only bits except for, you know, the whole first two or three years of the podcast. But we don't count that because it's too far distant. We, the listeners, are happy that justice has finally been served and we have a win in our column. And or row, the spreadsheets will be filling out and any viewers who disagree with this win can suck it because they've never won. So yay to us, the listeners.

[Bob]

Haha.

[Wade]

To Wade, who had to give this speech today. Okay, didn't need that part. Mark, the fact that you lost, truly embarrassing, Bob setting this up. A real epidemic failure. Everyone loses today except for us, the listeners. We deserve this. Everyone else sucks.

[Bob]

Haha.

[Wade]

Haha.

[Bob]

Surprisingly accurate, I think. I feel pretty. I feel like a loser.

[Wade]

I feel worse than a loser.

[Bob]

Anyway, I feel like I need to apologize for throwing our podcast into a constitutional crisis. I did not think it all the way through. I think every episode I host from here on out, the viewers and the listeners start with negative 1000 points. So good luck, idiots. Also, I'm sorry that I accidentally created the precedent that viewers and or listeners, if they ever want to claim their points and for their wins to mean anything now, have to be present, which is not an option. This is kind of like one of those rules that exist just to be a dick kind of situations. But good, good speech, Wade. I think you really captured the sentiment that I'm sure the listeners would have expressed. Congratulation, listeners, and not congratulations, but it is your duty, Wade, to host the next one. And man, am I excited to see the rows and columns in the subreddit after all of this comes out. I really it up guys. Anyway, make sure you follow Mark and Wade and myself. Our names are probably on screen. It's Minion 777 or Lord Minion 777. Mark my screen. We're out of here. Wade's gonna host the next one, even though he's a huge loser just like the rest of us and. No, that's it. I was gonna say another thing, but there's no more things because this is the end. Podcast out.

[Narrator]

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