Distractible, "Buy My Thing!" (March 23, 2026)

Hosts: Mark Fischbach, Wade Barnes, Bob Muyskens

Overview

In this chaotic, art-filled episode, the Distractible crew—Mark, Wade, and Bob—dive headfirst into the world of shameless self-promotion and ridiculous sales pitches with a brand-new game: "Buy My Thing!" But before the game kicks off, listeners are treated to tales of pet disasters, Mark's surreal detour at the Oscars, and a flurry of collaborative doodling that brings every wild story to messy, colorful life. This episode perfectly captures the show's signature blend of hilarious banter, self-deprecating wit, and absolute nonsense.

Main Discussion & Segments

1. Small Talk: Pets, Puke, and Poop Nightmares

• [03:30-07:54]
• Mark and Bob swap horror stories about their pets wreaking havoc indoors:
  • Mark details the relentless cycle of sickness in his house, especially his dog Lexi's anxious habits: “She poops and then she eats the poops and then she throws up poops, which is somehow worse than either individual.” (Mark, 04:42)
  • Wade laments his cat Keters' complete disregard for potty pads, making his home a "minefield."
  • The group laughs over whose life is the most covered in pet bodily fluids.

2. The Real Good AI Horror Writing Competition

• [05:21-07:34]
• Mark plugs a nonprofit project run by his wife: a horror writing competition at RealGoodAI.org/thescarytapes.

  “It'll be like an October podcast series. It'll be fun. It'll be scary.” (Mark, 06:20)
  “Submit stories, please distract me. The rest of life is a hellish puke filled nightmare right now.” (Mark, 07:35)

• Bob jokes about royalties for the “Scary Tape” name, leading to riffing on legal threats and cease-and-desists.

3. Mark’s Oscars Odyssey: Guided Tour by Doodles

• [07:54-25:37]
  • Mark recounts attending the Oscars, hilariously derailed by a local news headline: “Milford grad gets lost at the Oscars: ‘The whole carpet’s red!’”
  • Using on-the-fly drawings (in MS Paint, as described), Mark maps the labyrinthine red carpet security, complete with:
    • XXX-rated Hollywood shops.
    • Sniper checkpoints and bomb-sniffing “poot grade” dogs.
    • Being whisked away by well-intentioned but confusing escorts: “They’ve been told to take really good care of you...” (15:59)
  • Mark and Amy are ushered through a mysterious “floppy door” and unintentionally bypass the entire red carpet experience.
  • Hilarity peaks as Mark draws a deeply disappointed YouTube exec, Fede, after learning Mark missed the press area:

    “I remember him saying something along the lines of... ‘Oh, it would have been good if the press knew you were here, I guess.’”

  • The group riff on Zordon (Power Rangers), Mr. Potato Head, and the experience of being a “secret” Oscars attendee.

Notable Quotes:

• “Let this guy nowhere near the red... Bigfoot’s over there. Mark can’t be over there.” (Wade, 16:57)
• “You showed up inside the building and some guy in a walkie talkie was like, ‘Why the... is he still alive? What did you assholes do out there?’” (Mark, 23:13)

4. Game Time: "Buy My Thing!"

• [25:54-54:57]
  • Wade introduces a new game vaguely inspired by Shark Tank and improv, mixing in a randomized “wheel of things.”
  • Rules:
    • Each round, one host spins the wheel and pitches an assigned object to Wade to persuade him to “buy.”
    • The other host then spins for a rival object and must undercut the pitch.
    • Occasionally, oddball rules (no verbs, etc.) add extra challenges.
  • Highlights:
    • Bob touts the life-saving properties of “shoes” for avoiding stepping in pet poop.
    • Mark counters with “beans”: “The Great Depression was bad. The people in the dust bowl were sad. Except the one guy who had shoes...” (Mark, 33:26)
    • Doodles abound: sad bean men, pink feet, “secret eighth burners” on ovens, and even a “dick oven.”
    • Side-quests include “no verbs” pitches and a never-ending escalation of features.
    • Points are handed out for art, creativity, and making Wade laugh.

Notable Game Quotes:

• “Where else are you gonna get secret dick oven?” (Mark, 43:27)
• “Do you see the fuck over there? Food, heat, life, love.” (Mark/Bob, 44:47)

5. Post-game: Points, Spinning Wheels, and Nonsense

• [54:57-57:03]
  • Points are tallied with absurd criteria: “poop relatable pets,” “poto people,” “speech winner.”
  • The team riff on obscure scoring, “best mental image,” and award “smallest violin” points.
  • Mark and Bob do visual victory/defeat speeches, riffing on sports podiums, baseball games, and how points function in their nonsensical universe.
  • “Red for bad and green for good. What the fuck? I don’t even remember my own bits.” (Bob, 59:52)

6. Memorable Moments & Recurring Bits

• Art Chaos: The episode’s signature: live MS Paint illustrations, described haphazardly for listeners with frequent apologies—“this was really an episode for the listeners, if there’s ever been one.” (Mark, 60:56)
• Mark’s Oscars Debacle: The recurring gag of being too special—or not special enough—to walk the real red carpet.
• Oven Wars: Escalating into the fantasy of a “secret ninth dick oven,” with oven sales pitches that devolve into semi-coherent noun-only performances.
• Meta-Laughter: The hosts break several times at the ridiculousness of their own rules, scoring, and storytelling.

7. Timestamps for Key Segments

• Small talk and pet stories: [03:30–07:54]
• Real Good AI horror writing contest plug: [05:21–07:34]
• Mark’s Oscars adventure (map/doodle tour): [07:54–25:37]
• “Buy My Thing!” Game: [25:54–54:57]
• Points, spins, and final speeches: [54:57–End]

Final Takeaways

• This episode embodies Distractible’s improvisational spirit, blending absurd storytelling, relentless riffing, and the “show don’t tell” disaster of trying to narrate visual gags through audio.
• The group’s rapport and competitive nonsense fuel both heartfelt moments (Mark’s horror-writing contest) and gross-out hilarity (pet mishaps).
• Highlighted by Mark's epic Oscars misadventure and a barrage of MS Paint “masterpieces”, it's a playful celebration of making each other (and listeners) laugh in the face of chaos and confusion.

Final Notable Quotes

• “Submit stories, please distract me. The rest of life is a hellish puke filled nightmare right now.”
  (Mark, 07:35, on the Real Good AI contest)
• “This was really an episode for the listeners, if there’s ever been one.”
  (Mark, 60:56, meta-commentary on the episode’s untranslatable visuals)

For more chaos — and maybe some art you’ll never see — check out future Distractible episodes. And maybe, just maybe, follow Mark, Bob, and Wade… but definitely not on the red carpet.